Balaka Basu's Blog, page 6

Social Media Detox and #FOMO

Yesterday evening, after much trepidation, I finally uninstalled Facebook and Instagram from my mobile phone. It is probably too early to write this post, as I am yet to see how long I can refrain from the two nefarious social media platforms. We all are aware of how Facebook and Instagram are stealing our attention to make profits. We all have watched Social Dilemma and The Great Hack on Netflix but yet we still keep using Facebook and Insta. It is similar to the smoking addicts who keep smoking cigarettes even after watching what happened to Mukesh (or is it Dinesh?) before every movie in the cinema hall. We read articles about how social media is damaging our mental health, how it is ruining the youth, yet we keep checking our notifications. I realized that unconsciously, I was also a social media addict. Therefore, it is time I detox.

Confession Time

I am guilty of using social media for personal gratification. A comment on my photo saying “you look gorgeous” gives me a dopamine boost. However, social media also triggers jealousy and a feeling of inadequacy in me. Those things make me depressed and anxious. Below is a (rough) list of things that triggers sadness. jealousy and a sense of incompetency in me. #FOMO

Photos of FB friends traveling to exotic places always make me sad. Even though, I have traveled my share of places yet whenever I see images of my friends in exotic places it always makes me feel that they are having more fun and they have a better life than me.When I am stuck in Mumbai traffic with potholes, traffic signal beggars, and construction work all around and I see my NRI friend driving smoothly on the German Autobahn, it does make me feel sad. I start thinking that they are lucky to live away from India.When I see my friends looking thin, beautiful, and young. I feel inadequate about my looks. When I see lovely couple photos, I start feeling that others have a better relationship.When I see my friends spending time with their parents or grandparents, I start feeling sad that all my grandparents and parents are dead and I can never share a moment with them.When I see an ex-colleague joining a top position in a top company, I start feeling that maybe I should have focused more on my career.Images of people having a clean and well-decorated house make me feel that maybe my house needs a revamp.People having read more books also makes me #FOMOPeople who know about Game of Thrones, Lord of the rings, Vampire diaries, Squid Game, and Ozark also give me #FOMO as I have never watched these shows.

The list is endless. So many things make me sad, anxious, and excluded. The algorithm of Facebook strives on making us feel inadequate so that we buy products to make us feel good. Over the years, brands have made us feel inadequate to promote products. They always wanted us to look fairer, thinner, taller, etc. Facebook is just adding to that. They are trying to make us feel insecure so that we tend to buy something or do something to feel secure. (Zucker Dada is no Santa Claus, he is not here to spread love and joy. Mark Bhai wants us sad, miserable, communally divided, war-torn, depressed so that we spend more time on social media so that his bank account can inflate.)

I realized I was also falling into the trap of social media. That is when my gratitude journal came to the rescue. I felt thankful that I have traveled enough, I don’t need to shift abroad because in spite of the traffic jam and potholes I love Mumbai and this is the city where I truly belong. I may not be thin or young but I am fit, healthy, and aging gracefully. I am loving growing old as many people are not fortunate to reach my age. My parents may not be alive today but as long as they were with me they gave me lots of love and happiness. I am sure they will meet me again. My colleagues are doing good and I should feel proud and happy for the hard work and sacrifices they made to reach this position. I may not have the cleanest home but I keep my home organized and clutter-free, my home is my safe place, and being home is the best feeling in the world.

I am happy that I decided to go on a digital detox as I would not be consuming the humongous amount of trash that gets posted on social media every second. I have spared myself from ten thousand reels on the song Kancha Badam. I hope this time off from social media would make me more productive and I would be able to do things that I truly love like blogging, journaling, completing my TBR, watching nice documentaries, meditating, yoga, sleeping, walking in the woods, and simply sit by my window seat with a cup of kadak chai.

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Why I Am Enjoying Growing Old

A whole bunch of grey hair is adorning my forehead these days. Each time I visit the salon, the hairstylist makes me feel ashamed of my greying hair. He keeps suggesting numerous dyes, hair color, highlighter, streaks, blah! blah! blah! The same is when I meet my friends. They keep giving me advice on how to color my hair and look younger. However, the truth is that I love my grey hair. Yes, you heard it right. I love the grey patch.

Unlike many, I am not ashamed of growing old. Rather I am excited to grow old. Just like when you pass college and get excited to enter the workspace to implement all your skills and education. I am also excited to apply all the knowledge, wisdom, and maturity that I have earned in the last four decades into my life.

Honestly, I am not proud of my twenties. I was not exactly a rogue. I was a law-abiding, obedient, and ‘good’ girl. However, I was naive. I used to think from my heart and not my head. I made many bad decisions in my twenties from attracting wrong toxic friends, wrong career choices, and letting others hurt me. I didn’t practice self-care. I didn’t protect myself and let myself be vulnerable.

Throughout my thirties, I was salvaging and redeeming the wrong decisions and choices of my twenties. However, when I reached my forties, I realized that I have become a better version. No, I am not yet the best version of myself but definitely better. I am stronger, more confident, and most importantly protective of myself. I have the courage to speak my mind. More fearless and sceptical than my twenties.

I have also stopped reacting to every situation. My Buddhist practice has made me a calmer person. I always try to see things from the other person’s perspective. I try to analyze why the person is reacting the way they are. This helps me avoid a lot of confrontations. I have also learned to practice patience.

Therefore, back to my grey hair. Each grey hair on my forehead is like a certificate that I have gained after learning a lesson from life. Each grey hair is like a badge of honor and wisdom. I have looked young for forty years and now I want to look like a graceful middle-aged woman. I do not want to look or behave like a bubbly young school girl anymore. I want to keep my heart young with love, empathy, and compassion but let my body grow old the way nature wants it.

I care for the environment and do you know how much carbon footprint the cosmetic industry is leaving behind? Well, I do not want to judge or make you ashamed of your life choices. Just don’t make me feel ashamed for my grey hair. I respect your choice, you do mine.

P.S. I learned a new word while writing this post. It is called Gerascophobia. It is the excessive fear of growing older. I already have a phobia of snakes (Ophidiophobia). fear of unorganized space (ataxophobia), fear of large mathematical equations (arithmophobia), and fear of dentists (dentophobia). I have enough phobias, let Gerascophobia not be on my list.

PPS: The following image is only for reference. I just wish to look this bohemian and sexy with my grey hair. wink! wink!

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Mommy Kiddo Trip- Season 2

In 2018, I had done my first ever Mommy kiddie trip to Darjeeling and Sikkim. My friend K and her daughter had joined us. We had been together for 15 days and went to places like Kolkata, Shantiniketan, Kurseong, Darjeeling, Gangtok, Xangu Lake, and Siliguri. It was undoubtedly, one of my best trips. Four years later, I again went on a vacation with my sonny boy. This time his friend R and his mom joined us. However, this time, it was a short weekend trip to Nagaon, 9 km from Alibag.

Unlike the previous trip, it was less eventful. Nevertheless, a relaxing and rejuvenating trip. Something that I needed badly. We booked a car and reached Nagaon, just before sunset. Watching the beautiful sun set was a view to behold.

Sunset

The following day, we spent mostly playing water sports and sea bathing on the beach. It was not very crowded. We could actually relax a lot on the beach, while the kids were busy riding the beach bike. This trip will remain memorable for the food. Loved the Malvani style sukha chicken and bhakri. The resort was also amazing with aesthetically designed interiors inspired by Portuguese and French decor style.

A trip without tasting the local cuisine and some good food are incomplete.

In the evening, we visited the Kulaba Fort. The view from the Fort was amazing.

Lunch Date with Myself

I have a habit of going to the malls and movies alone. I even go to the restaurant and eat alone. However, thanks to the pandemic, I had not been able to do this for a very long time. Finally, this Sunday, I managed to have a lunch date with myself.

My son wanted to watch the movie Uncharted with his friends. The movie theater that was showing the 4D version of the movie was almost 10 kms away. Honestly, I was not comfortable leaving 4 teenagers go to a place 10 kms away all by themselves. The helicopter mom in me took precedence and I said they can go only if they allow me to accompany them. Initially, they didn’t like it but finally caved in. I allowed them to book a cab and followed their cab like a typical sleuth Momma. Inside the mall, they went inside the movie hall and I decided to spend 3 hours window shopping. 3 hours of absolute ME time.

Well, I couldn’t restrict it to window shopping and bought quite a few things that I had wanted to buy for long. However,the best part was drinking coffee at a Starbucks while reading a book. My friends often ask me how can I concentrate in reading inside a noisy cafe. They feel it is some kind of intellectual showoff (read: antlami) to read inside a cafe. But the truth is that the cacophony inside the cafe is like a white noise for me that helps me forget my pain and focus on the book.

I love to observe strangers in a mall. Each person is like a new book and I like to read them. You may find this creepy, it is actually creepy that I eavesdrop conversations. Like I was sitting opposite two young girls in their late teens and overheard one of them complaining that a boy named Heet literally stalked her. She seemed amused at the boy’s behavior but the fact that she is aware of the term stalking was reassuring. We grew up at a time when stalking was considered macho in Bollywood movies and so we grew up thinking it was okay if a person stood below my window come rain or sunshine. Thankfully these girls know that it is wrong. And that is reassuring.

This trip also made me realize that my sonny boy has grown up. This was the first time we visited a mall and instead of going to Hamleys he went to Apple store. I realized he has left behind his toy days. He also did not demand a Mcdonald’s happy meal. I realized that the kids have really grown up during the pandemic. The first mall visit after the pandemic was so different from the visits before the pandemic. The son may have grown up but the mom is still young at heart so I ended the mall visit after buying this quirky cup.

22/02/2022 – First Post of 2022

This is my first blog post of the year. Therefore, first, let me wish you and your loved ones a very happy 2022. Coincidentally, today is 22.02.2022. All over my social media people are going bonkers over this date. I am not that enthusiastic though. To me, it just means that we have already crossed 53 days in 2022. And, in these 53 days, I have experienced quite a few good and bad things.

I wanted to begin 2022 on a positive note, so started the year partying with my friends. The first week went away in fun and galore but by the second week, the Universe conspired to slow me down. And, I tested positive for covid. I expected that I would be back on my feet in a week, but things were tough and I am still not back on my feet. Even while typing these lines, I am coughing like crazy. The worst part of Covid was that it stopped my yoga practice, something that I love to do daily.

Covid made me feel grateful for the friends that I have. My friends helped me throughout my quarantine. Every day, some friend dropped food at my door. I can never thank them enough for all the help that I received. Every difficult time comes with a lesson. We should remember challenging times for the lessons that they taught us.

I finished reading two amazing books. If you follow me on Instagram then you can go and read the reviews of those books there. My WOTY for 2022 was HEAL. Earlier it was only emotional healing, post Covid now it is more about physical recovery and healing.

Thank you for reading this post. Hope you keep reading my posts. I promise to be more regular in my blog. Have a great year ahead. Happy healing to all.

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Bad Habits to Get Rid of in 2022

In my previous post, I wrote about how I want to heal in 2022. Healing wouldn’t happen overnight. It is a process that is going to take time. The roadmap of the healing journey is slightly complicated. It is going to be a journey within. In this journey, I have to be introspective and look within myself. I need to look at my habits, thoughts, mannerisms, and idiosyncrasies. Once I identify the problem areas, I need to improve myself. At the end of the healing journey, I wish to become a better person. I would want to become more compassionate, tolerant, and spiritual. As discussed in the previous post, healing starts with accepting, forgiving, and thanking. I may add here the words “improving” and “rectifying” also. To heal, the first thing that I need to do is get rid of my bad habits. We all have bad habits but most of us live in denial. Self-care starts when we accept those bad habits, forgive ourselves for those habits and then discard them. Once we “declutter” our minds from these bad habits, we get closer to our healing goals. Emotional healing starts with mindfulness. Here are the bad habits that I want to get rid of.

Judging Others: Let me confess, I do judge others. I judge a person for their political orientation, cultural inclination, intellectual abilities, bad grammar, book choices, movie choices, clothes, etc. The list is long. I am no saint. For example, if I find someone watching saas-bahu serials, or reading and enjoying a Chetan Bhagat novel, I judge. However, in 2022, I would like to be less judgemental. I need to get down from the high horse and not judge others for their life choices. Who am I to judge? It is their life their choices. Let them enjoy whatever floats their boat. I should respect the choice of another person even if it differs from mine.

Gossiping: Most people gossip. Unless you have become a saint in the Himalayas, it is unlikely that you can avoid gossips. We gossip about our friends, family members, colleagues, neighbors, and celebrities. There are two types of gossiping, one is where you share problems/information with your friends and listen to theirs. The other is spreading rumors. The latter is harmful and I have never consciously indulged in it. Gossiping has certain benefits, especially it helps you bond with others, generates empathy, keeps anxiety at bay, and also helps in problem-solving. Gossips can be harmless, however, there is a thin line between gossiping and bitching. Often when you are indulging in gossiping, a herd mentality comes into action, and we end up being unnecessarily over-critical. This year, I would try to be more mindful and avoid unnecessary discussions about another person.

Listen more, Talk less: Everyone wants to talk, everyone wants attention, everyone wants likes on social media. In this age of “talkers”, there are very few listeners. Nobody has the time or patience to listen these days. Therefore, this year, I would like to listen more, understand more and learn more from my friends (both online and offline).

Observe more: Observing is an act of mindfulness. Simply observing is so therapeutic. Apart from observing nature, we can also observe people and situations around us. Careful observation can help us see things in a nuanced manner. Often we jump to conclusions without observing properly a situation or person. Observing carefully can help us see through things. This year, in a particularly critical situation, I decided to give myself some time and simply observe. I did nothing but kept observing and gradually a lot of the things became clear. When we are busy taking action we often miss out on the finer details. Observation can help us assess the situation more accurately.

Stop Comparing: We all consciously or unconsciously compare our lives with others. Thanks to social media, there is no escaping from comparing because some people will literally point out to you. I am yet to become a Buddha, therefore, there are days when I fall into the trap and start comparing. I have compared even silly things like they have a better window curtain than mine. All of us are guilty of this. However, this year, I would consciously refrain from comparing my life with that of others. I am grateful for what I have, even if it is not as beautiful as theirs.

Become a giver: We are always busy taking something from nature, society, or relationships. However, to grow as a person it is important to become a giver. I should try to give back more than I take. I will try to give back to nature by nurturing a garden, making compost, and reducing plastic waste. I will try to give back to society by volunteering for social services. I will give more time and effort to my relationships.

These are my goals for the year 2022. What are your goals? If you are struggling with achieving your goals then do read my post on push goals and pull goals where I have discussed how to make achievable resolutions. That post helped many to fulfill their goals. So read it before writing down your resolution for 2022.

WOTY: Heal, We All Need to Heal

Every year teaches us something new. 2021 was no exception. This was a year of realization and minimalism. This year, I realized how important self-care is. Very few of us actually take care of ourselves. Most of us are busy taking care of our kids, pets, partners, parents, friends, and even strangers. But how many of us actually take care of our own selves? trust me, very few of us. As a society, we have been taught to be selfless. But taking care of us doesn’t mean we have to be selfish. We can be selfless and yet take care of ourselves.

We all have our own share of trauma, pain, sadness, and emotional bruises. Some of us have childhood trauma, some have painful marriages, some have not been able to fulfill their dreams and some have a deep pain from losing a loved one. There is not a single person who can claim that they have no pain. We turn into bitter individuals due to this pain. Therefore, it is important for us to heal ourselves from this pain with self-love and self-care.

In 2021, I focused on decluttering my life. Actually, my decluttering journey had started a couple of years back, however, this year it was my primary focus. Along with material clutter, I also got rid of emotional clutter. This year, I stopped doing a lot of things as they were halting my journey. I stopped giving importance to material possessions and inclined more towards spiritual possessions. I started accepting myself the way I am. I stopped criticizing myself and comparing my life with that of others. I am on my unique journey and there is no point in comparing.

Thankfully, I also got rid of quite a few toxic people in my life. Anything, be it a human or material, if it is not adding any value to my life and if it is holding me back, then the wisest thing to do is let it go. I got rid of so many things and gifts that I had kept only because they reminded me of something or somebody. I got rid of them and created space for new things to come into my life. Before getting rid of any stuff, I said thank you, as at some point that stuff must have given me happiness. The more my physical space became clear, I realized my mind was also becoming clearer. Life is always more enjoyable when there is less clutter. If you are also struggling with de-cluttering then read my posts on Swedish Death cleaning and Minimalism. I think, one of the best things that I did in life was becoming a minimalist.

My word of the year (WOTY) for 2022 is HEAL. My WOTY for 2021 was HEALTHY, It included a healthy body, healthy mind, healthy relationships, a healthy environment, and healthy living. To fulfill that goal, I regularly practiced yoga, tried to eat healthily, spent more time with friends who make me happy, and did massive decluttering. While decluttering, I could see how unnecessary emotional baggage had kept me away from my healing journey. Therefore, 2022 is going to be all about healing, self-love, and self-care.

Healing is not easy. When we start the process of healing, it actually causes more pain. However, to heal we need to accept and forgive. The first person whom we need to forgive is ourselves. I have accepted my life. I have also started forgiving. While we accept and forgive, we also need to be grateful. Happiness is a practice, it comes to those who practice gratitude regularly. We cannot wait for the big promotion, the big trip, the big wedding, etc to be happy. We need to be happy right now. The moment we look at the beauty of our present and feel grateful, we become happy. Nobody else can make me happy. The only person who can make me happy is myself. The more we realize this the happier we become.

Life is not supposed to be easy but if we accept this fact then it is easier to move ahead. Wallowing in self-pity for all the wrongs that happened to us actually stops our spiritual growth. We need to transcend our daily sufferings by changing our thought processes. In a difficult situation, we need to look at the ‘”collateral beauty”‘. Once we change the pattern of our thought and replace complaining with gratitude a lot of things change.

Let me conclude this post with the beautiful beginning line from the book The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck.

“Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult–once we truly understand and accept it–then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

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The cages you live in: Understanding social conditioning

A beautiful post that is worth reading by fellow blogger Shinjini.

Why I Hate Gifts?

It is a common belief that everybody loves to receive gifts. However, the more people are embracing minimalism, the more gifts are becoming a botheration. Ever since I started my minimalist journey, gifts have become a source of botheration and irritation for me. Before you start judging me for being rude to the sentiments of the gift giver, please give me a chance to explain myself.

There are two types of gifts, the first are those where a person puts in a lot of thoughts, love, respect, compassion and care to choose a gift. However, the second is when a person gifts you out of obligation and social conventions. I have problem with the later.

When I started de-cluttering, I realized that most of the things that I was throwing away came as gifts. For example, I received almost thousand gifts on my wedding. I know many of those gifts were ‘re-gifted’ gifts. Indian families are famous at re-gifting. I remember, one of my BFF got married couple of months before my wedding and she gifted me a rice cooker. When I opened it, I found a card that had her name as recipient. I understood that she re-gifted me something that she received on her wedding. All of us got some items in duplicates like toaster, casseroles. flasks, etc. on our wedding. Don’t you find this similar?

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Over the years, we received gifts on birthdays, anniversaries, Diwali, new year, return gifts, and travel souvenirs from friends and families. Things and stuff just started getting accumulated.

The gifts we give are often part of social obligation. It is not always something people give out of love. They give it because they are expected to give it. When people gift out of obligation, they are often not mindful while choosing the gift. Let us be honest, we all are guilty of this. However, when we feel like giving a gift from the bottom of our hearts the gifts are usually mindful.

I honestly appreciate those couples who mention clearly on their wedding cards not to bring gifts. I wish, I had the wisdom back then to ask people not to bring gifts. Recently, I attended a wedding where the couple had requested to give saplings and seeds as gifts. They plan to plant those saplings and grow a forest. Isn’t it a beautiful thought? I wish I had done the same.

As a society, we should stop focusing on material gifts and start gifting experiences. For example, why not we gift someone a holiday, a restaurant voucher, a plant to grow, a pet, or an experience. My son once receieved a neem sapling as a birthday return gift. Initially, he didn’t like it as he was expecting a toy. However, 7 years later the plant is still alive while most of his toys are either broken or lost.

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As per Wikipedia: “A significant fraction of gifts are unwanted, or the giver pays more for the item than the recipient values it, resulting in a misallocation of economic resources known as a deadweight loss. Unwanted gifts are often “regifted“, donated to charity, or thrown away.[3] A gift that actually imposes a burden on the recipient, either due to maintenance or storage or disposal costs, is known as a white elephant. One cause of the mismatch between the giver’s and receiver’s view is that the giver is focused on the act of giving the gift, while the receiver is more interested in the long-term utilitarian value of the gift.[4] For example, many receivers prefer a future experience instead of an object, or a practical gift that they have requested over a more expensive, showier gift chosen by the giver.[4] One means of reducing the mismatch between the buyer and receivers’ tastes is advance coordination, often undertaken in the form of a wedding registry or Christmas list. Wedding registries in particular are often kept at a single store, which can designate the exact items to be purchased (resulting in matching housewares), and to coordinate purchases so the same gift is not purchased by different guests. One study found that wedding guests who departed from the registry typically did so because they wished to signal a closer relationship to the couple by personalizing a gift, and also found that as a result of not abiding by the recipients’ preferences, their gifts were appreciated less often.[5] An estimated $3.4 billion was spent on unwanted Christmas gifts in the United States in 2017.[6] The day after Christmas is typically the busiest day for returns in countries with large Christmas gift giving traditions.[6][7] The total unredeemed value of gift cards purchased in the U.S. each year is estimated to be about a billion dollars.[3]“

We do realize that the tradition of gift-giving is also leaving carbon footprints behind. However, the consumerist world will always encourage us to give more gifts. They would say that you can express true love only through gifts. However, as a human being, if you are concerned about nature then gift something that serves a greater purpose. Do not gift something that simply creates clutter and eventually lands up in the trash bin. As we are approaching the festival season, let us commit to be more mindful while giving and receiving gifts.

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How I Spent My Birthday

Every year, I get loads of wishes on my birthday from my social media friends. Thanks to the birthday reminders they get on their notifications. Therefore, this year, I wanted to play a game. I removed my birthday from social media applications. I wanted to see how many remembered my birthday without notifications.

Honestly, I expected only couple of calls and messages. But to my surprise, I got so many calls and messages from friends and family. Trust me when I say that I am getting belated wishes even two weeks after the birthday. However, all those who called or messaged share a close bonding with me. I have a connection with them. They are my cousins, school and college friends who I have known for more than 30 years. Old colleagues who have become family now and also blogger friends whom I have known since the beginning of my blogging journey. To sum it up, the day went great. I enjoyed thoroughly.

Lesson: Those who really love and care for me do not need notifications to be reminded of my special day.

Well, on the other side, I do have some forgetful friends, who do love me but invariably forget my birthday. These ones are my favorite, my best friend N is one such person. I always make a point to remind her on my own to save her from embarrassing situations. Am I not a darling??? Ha Ha Ha!!!!

This year, I had no plans for my birthday. However, thankful for small mercies. I started the day doing a beautiful yoga flow titled ‘happy birthday yoga’. It was such a good feeling when Adrienne, my online yoga guru said ‘happy birthday’ and lighted a candle for me. In the afternoon, I made my favorite basanti polao and kosha mangsho for lunch. This is something that my mom used to cook on my birthdays. I followed the tradition. In the evening my friend K came to meet me. My regular readers are acquainted with K. She is the friend with whom I usually go on my ‘girls trips‘ and ‘mommy and kiddy trips‘. She is the most bindaas woman I have ever met. The entire evening went by chatting with her over chai and …ahem! nothing (we both are trying to diet). The better half and son got me a cake, a bouquet and kebabs (yes, in that order). I had very little, yet next day morning my weighing scale showed weight gain…hey bhagwan!!!

As I am growing older, my hair is greying, my wrinkles are showing yet I am embracing them. I have decided to stop coloring my hair and let the grey hair be the ‘silver lining’ in my life. Growing old is not as scary as people make it sound. I don’t understand why people want to hide their age and pretend to be younger. I think, I am proud to have occupied mother earth for such a long time. Before signing off, here is a cake for all of you. Take care, stay safe. Love you all.

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