Balaka Basu's Blog, page 8

How to Forgive someone who hurt you

For years, I have struggled to forgive those who hurt me. Some have hurt me in the past, others are hurting me now. Let me tell you, it is not easy to forgive others. Forgiving is not a destination but a journey and we should forgive others for our own sake. By forgiving the person who hurt us, we start our own healing journey. For our own sake we should forgive.

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Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time to forgive someone else truly. Sometimes it can take years to forgive the person. I know, there are people whom I have still not forgiven. There are some whom I have forgotten and not forgiven. Or maybe I totally forgot about them and they do not matter anymore.At times we get hurt not because of the other person but due to our own ego, greed, stubbornness and pride. Therefore, it is important to understand where we stand before starting the process. Often we realise that it was equally our fault and the other person was just retaliating. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person and see why he or she did whatever they did that caused pain to you. Often we would realize that the person hurt us unknowinglyPractice compassion. Always believe that who hurts you is the one who needs compassion because he or she is not well. So always pray for the person who hurts you.Forgive but also learn your lesson. Do not let the person hurt you again and again. Forgive but do not forget and never give them opportunity to hurt you again.Protect yourself from those who hurt you. Never let them hurt you again. Learn to draw boundaries.



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How to deal with a Toxic person

We all have to deal with some or the other toxic person in our lives. Some of us grew up with toxic parents, some had a toxic sibling, some had a toxic friend in school who bullied you, some of us had toxic girl/boyfriends, some are married to a toxic spouse, some have toxic in-laws, toxic bosses or neighbours. Many of us are also dealing with toxic news channels and political parties or twitter trolls. The list is endless. Here are some tips on how to deal with these toxic people.

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Acceptance: First thing is to accept that these people are toxic. No matter what good intentions you have in your heart, these people will never value it. They are like poison, they will contaminate whatever comes close to them. Therefore, first thing is accept them the way they are.Do not try to change them: This is a mistake most of us make. We feel that we can change them. We try and try till the time we are broken and exhausted but they will never change. Once again accept that they will never change.Do not take them seriously: This one is the toughest part, but once you start practicing this, soon you would see the difference. Toxic people are liars, manipulators and treacherous. They are skilled in gaslighting others. They would leave no opportunity to belittle you. They would blame you for everything. Believe in yourself. Be confident about yourself and do not take whatever they say to your heart.Do not fall prey to their victimhood: Toxic people love to play the victim card and blame others. They are perpetually sad and they seek sympathy and compassion all the time without giving anything back in return. Compassion is a good virtue, have compassion for them but do not let them manipulate you with their victim card.Avoid arguing with them: These people survive on fights. While normal people feel drained out after a fight, toxic people feel energised. Fighting and quarelling is their energy tonic. They keep searching for opportunities to fight. The best is to consciously avoid arguing with them. No matter how hard you try, you can never win a fight with them.Draw boundaries: You cannot change them, you cannot win a fight with them but that doesn’t mean they win. Learn to draw boundaries. Be firm and do not do whatever they want you to do. In a calm tone, without getting perplexed stay firm on your decision. These people are cowards and they fear strong resistance.Ignore them: It is easily said than done but try to ignore their toxicity. Do not take anything they say or do to heart.Toxicity is a mental disorder: Treat these people as someone who is sick. They may not even realize how toxic they are or how much harm they are causing to others. They are selfish and narcissistic people. Treat them with compassion similar to the person who is deranged.Love yourself: Toxic people are energy vampires. They can drain away all your positive energy. It is extremely important to love yourself in this situation. Surround yourself with positive people, try to do things that makes you happy, smile more often and be happy. Do not depend on the appreciation or validation of a toxic person.Have faith in Karma: In my life, I have seen that karma never spares anybody. Do not try to punish the toxic people in your life. Wait and watch Karma do it for you. What they do to you they pay back.Forgive: This seems difficult but try to forgive them. Whenever they start hurting you, be mindful, do not react immediately, stay calm and keep telling yourself that even though the person is hurting me, I do forgive. Be mindful of your hurt. Often we feel hurt but are vague about what exactly hurt us. Being mindful would help us pinpoint where it hurt most and also help us forgive the toxic person. No matter you are responsible for your own emotions. Take charge of your emotions and do not let the toxic person hurt you. Forgive them.

I lost a Family Member to Covid- Things you shouldn’t ignore

Last week, we lost my husband’s elder brother to covid. He was only 58 years old. His death was so sudden that even now I feel like it is just a bad dream. However, good and bad both are part of life and we should accept them.

An awareness of death enables us to live each day each moment—filled with appreciation for the unique opportunity we have to create something of our time on earth. I believe that in order to enjoy true happiness, we should live each moment as if it were our last. Today will never return. We may speak of the past or of the future, but the only reality we have is that of this present instant. And confronting the reality of death actually enables us to bring unlimited creativity, courage and joy into each instant of our lives.

Daisaku Ikeda

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Dada, (as I used to call him) was a man full of positivity, good energy and laughter. He was always smiling and spreading joy. He was a deeply religious man and loved his wife to the moon and back. They have been married for thirty years and still they behaved like ‘honeymoon couple’. Dada was always full of praise and appreciation for his wife. In last 15 years, I never saw them fighting or arguing. I never heard him utter a single bad thing about his wife. Dada was always hugging and kissing his wife even during large family gatherings. He was even frowned upon in the extended family for his PDA.

Dada’s death taught me quite a few lessons regarding how to handle COVID in a better way. Most people are not taking COVID seriously. It is sad to say that Dada belonged to that category. His negligence caused his death. He didn’t get tested early. He didn’t measure his oxygen level properly. He stayed home even when his oxygen level went down below 80. He was going out regularly when he was supposed to stay home. Probably he didn’t wear his mask properly or wash his hands the way he should have. Now, there is no point regretting because we won’t be able to bring him back. However, those of you who are reading this please take care of yourself and obey the COVID guidelines diligently.

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Do not neglect symptoms: A pandemic is going on and it is important that you do not neglect symptoms. If you have any of the symptoms like sore throat, cough, fever, body ache, fatigue, lack of smell, lack of taste or lack of appetite then do try to get tested. These days private laboratories are also doing covid testing. They are coming home to collect samples. Do not wait and get tested.Thermometer and Oxymeter: These two instruments can save your life. Check for fever at regular intervals. Check you oxygen level on a pulse oxymeter. If your level goes below 95 then immediately visit the ER. If you do not get admission then start oxygen support at home after consulting the doctor.Wear a mask: Most people consider the mask as a botheration. I plead all of you to wear masks whenever you step out of the house.Wash your hands: Try to wash your hands for 30 seconds frequently.Sanitize: Your home, office, door knobs, switch boards, table, faucets should be sanitised regularly.Avoid gatherings: Do not visit crowded places. Maintain social distancing, avoid social gatherings.Live in the moment: This is the time when you should live in the moment and make best use of it.

Dada and his wife had always planned to start enjoying their lives after the kids were settled. They never took a vacation, went out for movies, went out to eat or go on a trip. They were focused in bringing up the kids and planned that once the kids were settled and they became empty nester then they would start doing all the fun stuff.

We shouldn’t wait for tomorrow and make the best out of today. Create your bucket list and start doing whatever you ever wanted to do, today itself. However, one thing that Dada did was never fail to say ‘I love you’ to his spouse, something that many of us take granted and stop doing after few years into the relationship.

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How a “To-Do’ List can be helpful

I am a huge fan of ‘to-do’ lists. I honestly, cannot function without a ‘to-do’ list. Some people write a daily ‘to-do’ list. Well, ahem!! I write a ‘to-do’ list for the whole year, each month, each week and each day. I know, this sounds crazy but I am probably bit of a control freak. I think gradually I would progress to write a ‘to-do’ list for every hour (I occasionally do that using post-its). I know, I am sounding like Sheldon Cooper but I do love that guy. I binge watch his antics.

On the second day of January, I write the ‘to-do’ list for the entire year. Incidentally, second January is the birthday of Daisaku Ikeda, my spiritual mentor. Every year, on his birthday, I write down the things that I wish to accomplish that year.

I also set monthly and weekly goals, however, they are not always written down. I diligently write down the ‘to-do’ list for the next day before going to bed, every night. At night, after finishing all my work, I sit down with my journals. First I tick off the things that I accomplished doing from my ‘to-do’ list and then write down the ‘to-do’ list for the next day. Then I start writing my gratitude journal. Writing a gratitude journal is an easy way to feel happy in life. We always look at the black spots in our lives but a gratitude journal helps us look at the brighter side. After writing my journals, I chant my prayers and then go off to sleep.

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The ‘to-do’ lists that I write are divided into 3-4 sections. The first section is dedicated to daily chores like laundry, dusting, exhaustive cleaning etc. The second section contains the menu for the day. I like to pre-plan the menu a day in advance, some people plan a menu in advance for the whole week, but for me a day before works well. The third section is for my office work, the emails that I need to sent, the follow-ups that I need to do etc. The fourth section is dedicated to my health goals. I added this section recently after I realised that my body is no more as healthy as it used to be even a year back. Therefore, I felt it important to take special care of myself.

The benefits of a ‘to-do’ list are:

They help you keep track of the tasks that we otherwise tend to forgetThey help you stay motivated to finish the taskThey give you satisfaction when you realise that you have completed work from your listThey help you organise your work betterThey help you manage your timeThey reduce your stress level as you are aware of what has to be done and when



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When you write a ‘to-do’ list allocate time for each thing. Dedicate time for the mundane and routine things also. For example, I dedicate time for each things like watering the plants, bathing, watching TV etc. When you do this you are in control of time and that helps you not to waste time. If I have dedicated my TV time from 1pm-2pm then if I watch TV till 2.15pm, I become aware that I have spent extra 15 minutes and that means now I have 15 minutes less time to finish writing my emails.

A ‘to-do’ list can be beneficial for everyone from a homemaker to a student and a retired person to a employed person. I love to be organised and a ‘to-do’ list is the best way to help me stay organized. I have noticed that my work doesn’t get done on days when I don’t write a ‘to-do’ list. I become lazy and start procrastinating without a list. Therefore, for me the best way to get work done is by following a ‘to-do’ list.

Are you like me? or do you feel that writing a detailed ‘to-do’ list is nothing but waste of time. Do let me know.

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What made me Grateful in August # MondayMusing

Due to this Covid 19, each day seems like a struggle. I often feel that nothing good is happening around, however, when I sit down to write my gratitude journal, I realise that August has been an amazing month.

What made me Grateful in August

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Birthday: August is my birth month and I always feel extra happy this month. I had little expectation for this year. I was prepared to spend a boring birthday without friends and family coming over. On the contrary, I had one of the best birthdays. The day started with calls, video calls, voice messages from friends and family from various parts of the world. Even unexpected people called to wish me, like my ex boss. So many of my blogger friends called to wish. Love to all of you. The best surprise came from a dear friend who has recently turned a home-baker. She surprised me with a chocolate cake from her home bakery. A beautiful note accompanied. Husband and son also had ordered another cake. Therefore like last year’s birthday, this year also I ended up cutting two cakes.

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Finished Writing my first Film Script: Yes, you read it write. I finally finished writing the first draft of my movie script. I also did an online course on script writing before writing. This project gave me immense satisfaction. Had always wanted to write a script but never managed the courage to take the plunge. The script looks impressive, keeping my fingers crossed. Let me see what is in future for this child of mine.

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My Story turned into a Play: Long back I had written a story called “Not Love Story“, the story was appreciated by the readers a lot. Everyone felt it was a poignant story about two friends. During lockdown most of us had enough time in our hands and so we decided to enact that story. The result was this amazing bilingual production that you can now listen on Youtube. We used the Bengali title “Ekti Na Premer Galpo” (Not Love Story).

Thank You Card from Guru of Indian Matchmaking: This is bit funny, nevertheless, I am grateful for the card that Ravi Guru Singh sent me. Guru was one of the participants in Indian Matchmaking and after the show he was getting badly trolled. I showed support to him on Instagarm and as an act of gratitude Guru sent me this Card. It was a nice gesture.

Visited Outdoors: Mumbai is slowly opening. On one weekend we decided to go out to meet our friends whom we had not met in last six months. We decided to meet outdoors to maintain Social Distancing. We met at Bandra Sea-link. It felt great to be outdoors after such a long time. The only bad thing is that couldn’t hug my friend.

My Maid is Back: Last but not the least, my maid joined back work and a huge load of housework is now taken care by her. I am so thankful to have her in my life.

Book Giveaway- “Those Delicious Letters” by Sandeepa Mukherjee Datta

Book giveaway alert!!! Read till the end…

When I review a book or a movie, I try to be as impersonal and objective as possible. However, for this book, I would make an exception and start with a personal story.

Once upon a time, a young lady called Sandeepa, in far away New Jersey was at the crossroads of career, motherhood and culture. She started a food blog called “Bong Mom’s Cookbook”. She was anxious to leave a legacy of Bengali culture and tradition through food recipes for her daughters. Her only incentive was that one day her daughters would grow up and cook those recipes and fill their kitchens with the same aroma that filled her warm kitchen. Thus, diligently she started posting on her blog about various Bengali recipes along with stories about her childhood, her parents, grandparents, her home in Kolkata and the hills where she grew up.

Almost a decade ago, back here in India, another young woman (yours truly) was also at the crossroads of career and impending motherhood. One night, this woman had a pregnancy induced craving for “shukto” (a Bengali bitter version of Malayalee avial) that her departed mother used to make. Strangely when her mother was alive she never liked Shukto and never bothered to learn the recipe. But now that the mother was no more, she was desperately craving for that particular food (pregnancy hormones to be blamed). She decided to find the recipe and make it herself.

She called her grandmother and couple of aunts; everyone gave their own version of the recipe. She figured out that they were different from her Mom’s recipe. Then she tried making it from the book of Bela Dey, a famous Bengali food author. The shukto turned out a “politically correct” version with all the proper ingredients and exact measurements but strangely it didn’t taste like the one her mother used to make. She felt frustrated. In her exasperation she did a Google search and came across the recipe on a blog by someone who claimed to be a Bong Mom.

Next day, she made shukto exactly the way it was mentioned on the blog. With steamed rice she took the first morsel and Bingo!! It tasted exactly like the one her Ma used to make. For a moment she felt that her Ma had cooked it for her.

This was the beginning of a journey between a blogger and a reader. The blogger started sharing her life and recipes on her blog and the reader lapped up every bit of it. The blogger was an unknown woman in a foreign land yet someone she could absolutely relate. Her stories had such a nostalgic appeal that the reader almost got addicted. The reader was never an ardent cook but the recipes that the blogger posted had a strange appeal that forced the reader to try them so many times. Thank you Bong Mom.

About the Book

When I started reading Sandeepa’s second book “Those Delicious Letters”, I found an uncanny resemblance to my journey with Bong Mom. In the book, forty year old Shubhalaxmi starts receiving monthly letters with traditional Bengali recipes from a mysterious lady in Calcutta claiming to be her grandmother. Drawn by the nostalgia in the letters and lured into the delicious world of forgotten food, Shubha starts experimenting with the recipes.(In my case they were blog posts from an unknown woman from a distant land).

The protagonist Subhalaxmi is an extremely relatable character. She almost represents our entire generation where we all are trying to wear too many hats and balance them. She has her own vulnerabilities and idiosyncrasies. The humor in the book would keep the readers hooked. There is hardly any page that would bore you or fail to amuse you. The letters from the woman, who refers herself as Didan, tells the story of a bygone era.

Traipsing through a year filled with delicious food and memories, Shubha tackles heartbreaks, marriage, parenting, adventure and a failing business, with wit and élan. Does Shubha find out who writes her those letters? Can she save her marriage and business? What happens to the grandmother who shares her life and food through those letters? A rich tapestry of rediscovering love and family while straddling two continents, peppered with humor, colorful characters and lip-smacking food! The added bonus are the recipes at the end of each chapter. The recipe of hinger kochuri was so enticing that I woke up at 12 am to soak the urad daal.

[image error]The Hinger Kochuri that I made

As promised at the beginning, I am going to give away a free copy of the book “Those Delicious Letters” by Sandeepa Mukherjee Datta. You just have to answer the following questions. The best answer would win a free copy.

*****conditions:: The contest is only for readers in India.

Do you love to cook?

2. What or who inspires you to cook?

3. Name your favourite recipe from your mom’s or grand-mom’s kitchen?

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Name of the book: Those Delicious Letters
Author: Sandeepa Mukherjee Datta
Publisher: Harper Collins India

Download the free first Chapter

First Chapter-Those Delicious Letters

Buy here:

Buy from Amazon.in

Buy from Amazon.com

Buy on Flipkart

Buy from stores

How is the Freelance Job Market during COVID?

I have taken sabbatical from my career many times. I hold a record for most sabbaticals. First,I took sabbatical to complete my M.PHil, next time I quit job to join my husband, who was working abroad, next after my son was born, then after I had a life threatening miscarriage due to ectopic pregnancy with twins, after that I took a break after I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis (IC) a rare auto-immune disorder that had left me bed ridden. In 2016, I quit my job to take care of my bed-ridden father. That was technically my last ‘office’ job. Nevertheless, I continued working with the company from home till last year when the company was taken over by another group. PHEW!!!!!!

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I started taking up freelance assignments for two reasons, firstly I was tired of the daily commute and staying confined in an office space for 12-14 hours and secondly I wanted to spend more time with my son as he was going through a mental turmoil after his grandpa’s death. He was extremely attached to my father and his death affected the little boy in more than one way. His dyslexia became worse and I decided to give him more time to help him cope with the tremendous pressure that Indian Education System puts on a child. Especially for dyslexic or other slow learners this system can be gruesome.

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However, in a way 2016 onward it was a productive period for me. During this phase I started my patient advocacy group for Interstitial Cystitis that led to me help numerous IC patients within and outside India. I traveled extensively attending conferences, I wrote for many international medical journals, gave speeches and it was undoubtedly a phase of growth. During this period, I also started this blog, took part in A-Z challenges and published my first book. During this period, I also wrote for various online magazines on numerous issues related to women.

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Since the end of 2019, I partnered with an old friend and started working on a new project that we were about to launch by April 2020. However, COVID crisis hit us badly and the financiers backed out leaving us in a lurch. For the first time in my life I am ‘jobless’ without a choice.

I have hit a stage in my life, where I am utterly confused regarding my career. And let me confess, I am scared. The ground scenarios is tough. Freelance assignments are going away like hot cakes. People are willing to work for as low as 15 paisa per word. Jobs from good companies are now having more than 2000 applicants. The worst was when my ex-boss put up a public post on Linkedin almost begging for a job. He had started a new venture that tanked due to COVID crisis and now for him it is hard to pay even the fees of his kids and other utilities.

Many of my friends have started new ventures during this lockdown. I am not sure if they are doing it ‘only’ out of passion or due to the pinch in their pockets. I just pray it should not be the latter. Suddenly, COVID has made the world a competitive place.

The first few months of Lockdown was crazily hectic. I was actually happy to be jobless, because honestly, I wouldn’t have been able to manage a full-time demanding job after juggling a demanding husband, cooking four full fresh meals in a day, cleaning dishes, cleaning the house, homeschooling and little bit of work for my patient forum was enough to keep me on my toes.

Thankfully, now I have time and so all the thoughts are coming back. Should I finish the book that I had started to write? should I write a new book on all the travel anecdotes? Should I start a new blog??

Will keep you posted.It would take lots of courage and patience to move out of the comfort zone but will try.

Gratitude List July

Ever since the Covid crisis began, I struggle to find moments that I can feel grateful for. Nevertheless, the greatest moment of gratitude is that I am still alive.

I wake up every day and try to find a motivation to get through the day. On few days I find solace in music on another day gardening gives me some moment of happiness. Here are few things that I am grateful for.

Stop Motion Animation: I am really grateful for all the things that my son is learning and doing during this pandemic. He had always been fond of Lego and used to make different structures using the bricks. During the Lockdown he started learning to make stop motion animation videos using Lego bricks on YouTube. He created quite a few such videos and uploaded those projects on YouTube, so that they do not get lost.

The smile on his face was precious when few of his friends subscribed to his channel. I am grateful for all the encouragement he is getting from friends and family. You can check one of his videos below.

Cooking: In my previous post, I have mentioned How Cooking is Helping us Cope during this Lockdown. I and son learned quite a few recipes during this time. I also tried few long forgotten dishes that my mother and grandmother used to make. Cooking is helping me stay sane. Below you can check something that we made.

Family Drama: I am blessed to have a close knit extended family. Even though we stay in different parts of the world, we keep in touch with each other on a daily basis. All of us meet once a year during the summer or winter holidays. Last year, I was lucky to meet them twice, but this year, thanks to COVID we couldn’t meet. Naturally, we were missing each other. Video calls were not adequate to fill the gap. Therefore we decided to do something to come together albeit virtually. We did an Online drama on our Grandfather. He had a habit of drinking tea with a certain type of biscuit every afternoon exactly 4 pm. The irritating part was that he never stored that biscuit and sent one of his grand kids to fetch it every single day fresh from the baker. One of us had to run to the baker to get only two biscuits every single day at 4 pm. Back then, we honestly used to find it annoying. But now that he is gone we miss it and thus made it our theme for the drama.

The best part is all of us took part. Even his great grand kids were part of the production. It was such a fun thing to do that it is difficult to describe in words. You can check the drama below. (Alert: It is in Bangla)

Went Out: I went out of my building society for the first time in July. I had not stepped out of my complex in four months. Therefor it was refreshing to meet my BFF Kavita, my regular readers would know her. I went on a Mom and Kid trip with her to Eastern India. We went for a walk, laughed our hearts out, and came back relaxed and rejuvenated. We wore a mask and followed social distancing.

Yoga: I started yoga again, but my frozen shoulder is making it difficult for me to continue with my yoga. I can’t visit the physiotherapist, therefore no clue how long I would have to bear this pain.

This was my July. Let me know how was yours. Did you create a Bucket List during this pandemic? If not, then I would suggest you do. It would help you cope with the present situation.

My Sanctum #wordlesswednesday

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Ever since the Covid crisis began, it has taken a toll on our mental peace. I am struggling hard to get some “me-time”. A time when I can peacefully sit with my cup of tea and look out of the window. These days I am always at the beck and call of the two boys in my house. I can hardly enjoy my cuppa peacefully.

Thankfully, the other day the man went to attend a meeting after four months. Even though I was worried for his safety, a part of me was immensely happy because I knew after four months I would be able to enjoy my cup of masala chai uninterrupted. Thank God for small mercies.

Linking this to Wordless Wednesday hosted by Esha and Natasha. I am presenting my small window garden where I am growing mint and arrow plant side by side.

Can you Guess the Plant? #ThursdayTreeLove

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My husband prefers to call himself an urban farmer. As you are aware from my previous post ‘Time we grow our own food‘ that his grandfather was a farmer by profession who grew everything in his farmland. However, his uncles migrated to the cities and now they have sold most of the farmlands. Only few orchards remain. My man somehow retained the genetic love for growing plants and keep experimenting on our small balcony. Earlier he grew Brinjal (eggplant), bitter gourd, tomatoes, green chillies but this time he got real adventurous and grew this staple crop.

Any guesses??????

This is Paddy. Linking this to Parul’s #ThursdayTreeLove