Balaka Basu's Blog, page 3

Come Back To Your Breath

In yoga and meditation there is a common phrase often used “come back to the breath”. While doing yoga poses, we often get so engrossed in doing the pose right that we forget to breathe. Sometimes the pose is so exhausting that we get breathless. Holding our breath or not breathing both harm yoga practice. Therefore, our yoga Guru reminds us to come back to our breath. Similarly during meditation, you may find your mind wandering too much. When your mind wanders, you are supposed to “come back to your breath”. It is an act of not only breathing but also finding back your balance and focus.

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Coming back to your breath is not only applicable to yoga and meditation but also applicable to daily life. We are surrounded by so much chaos. Many thoughts cross our minds and we get exhausted. We feel anxious and stop breathing or start panting. That is exactly when you should come back to your breath. Whenever you feel something is not right, or you feel scattered, pained, etc just take a deep breath. You will start feeling better. 

While breathing can instantly make your physical body feel better. A mind may require a little more. Even though a deep breath can instantly send oxygen to your brain and make you feel less anxious. But for your emotions to settle down you need more than a deep breath.

Come back to the breath for you can mean coming back to safe space. A space where you can be yourself, a space where you are jot judged, ridiculed, rebuked, or criticized. A space where you can be authentic. This safe space can be a physical space. It might be a comfortable cozy corner inside your space, a garden, a religious place, or a person.

Sometimes coming back to the breath can also mean coming back to a person who has your back. It can be your parents, siblings, partner, children, friends, pets, your teachers or perhaps a therapist. To some people it can be books, movies or food. Personally, I wouldn’t recommend food as I don’t want anyone to become addicted to comfort eating. 

However, finding a physical comfort space is easier than finding another human being who can be your “breath”. Some people are lucky but others are not.

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Which Is Better, Work From Home or Office?

I have worked from home for eight long years. I started working from home (WFH), way before the pandemic. However, this year, I suddenly got adventurous and decided to take up a work-from-office opportunity. Oh MY GOD!! I have never regretted any decision more than this one in my life. When I took up this new job they said I would need to go to the office a couple of days a week. However, after joining they suddenly changed the rules and made it compulsory to attend office every day. Even though the office is hardly 3 km from my home, Mumbai traffic makes it worse. It takes me almost 45-60 minutes each way. Finding an autorickshaw during the evening office rush is another challenge. Getting ready for the office takes another couple of hours. Eventually, I spend 12-13 hours of my day just after my office which is irritating me.

My WOTY for 2024 was Focus, but unfortunately, I find myself too scattered. Rather, I should say that I have put my hands in too many pies. I am wearing too many hats and that is exhausting me. These days, I do not get enough time to read, go for a walk, spend time with my son, or go out with friends. In a nutshell, I am not getting enough time to do things that I love to do. This is frustrating me and every single day, I feel like quitting my job. However, I love having a career (not a job) so this is not an easy decision.

Yes, I love my career but I also love my life. If my career is draining my life, is it worth it? What is the point of doing a job that gives me no happiness? What is the point of being with people who just bring negativity in life? Money is important, and earning is necessary. However, if I do not get enough time to spend that money on things that I love, what is the point of earning?

Work from home gave me the opportunity to work, earn money, and also do things that I love. I love to travel, work from home allowed me to work from beautiful hotel rooms, overlooking the sea or mountains. Unlike, work from office where the only view I have is a bland white cubicle and the adjacent ladies’ washroom.

In February, I was working while enjoying this view. I used to sit with my laptop on the balcony of my hotel room in Pondicherry and work. What a Bliss!!!(This is an AI-generated image). Trust me this one is way better because this has a window and a plant. My cubicle has neither. Nevertheless, the image captures the claustrophobia that I feel in my office.

Working from home allowed me to spend time with my son. Every afternoon, he used to come back from school, and we used to have lunch together. After that, we used to sit next to each other, while he finished school’s homework, I used to finish my work. Working from the office has taken away that from me. These days, my son eats his lunch alone watching TV, while I eat with some colleagues gossiping about stupid office politics. In the evening, after wrapping up work, I used to go down for a walk or meet up with friends. These days, I feel so exhausted after returning from the office, that the only thing I feel like doing is to finish dinner and sleep.

I love gardening, I used to spend a good amount of time tending my plants in the morning. These days, I am so busy getting ready for the office that I even forget to water my plants. Quite a few of my plants have started wilting due to this. I barely get time to do yoga and meditation. I am good at time management but after spending 13 hours, I hardly get time to do anything else.

I feel so stuck as if someone has locked my soul in a wooden box and thrown away the key. I have always enjoyed working. I never had any “Monday Morning Blues” rather I always felt excited that it was Monday. However, now I cringe at the thought of Monday Morning.

I don’t understand why companies feel that work-from-home is unproductive. I was way more efficient and productive when I worked from home. Companies should have more trust. Instead of evaluating productivity from the time spent in the office, they should evaluate on the basis of how many tasks the employee has completed.

I am really at a crossroads and don’t know what to do. I request my loyal readers to give me their feedback (and also suggestions) on this entire work-from-home vs work from office situation. What would you have done under similar circumstances?

God, Quantum Physics, and the Universe: Unraveling the Connection

I wouldn’t call myself religious. However, I certainly believe in the divine consciousness of the Universe. To me, the Universe is the ultimate creator. We all know that the universe exists but don’t know when it began and when it will end. Both scientists and spiritual leaders are seeking answers to this question. For millions of years, human beings have been trying to solve the mystery of the universe in both scientific and religious centers, nevertheless, we know very little about this. Common sense tells us that God is the manifestation of the Universe. Just like we don’t know the reality of the universe, we also do not know the reality of God. We only know that God is never born and is immortal. This is where scientific and religious thoughts converge. If you believe in God, you should also believe in quantum physics. Everything in this universe is made of particles and thus everything here is connected.

These days fanatic religious leaders try to discard science. However, if you look at great scientists, most of them were well-read about various religious scriptures. A study showed that 83% of scientists believe in the existence of God or the Creator. Even though they believed in God, many of them were not religious. Charles Darwin often had fluctuating beliefs about God, Einstein also believed that scientific study should be able to reveal the mystery of the creator. Carl Sagan wrote, ” Science is not only compatible with spirituality, it is a profound source of spirituality”. My personal favorite scientist Neil De-Drass Tyson also believes that the universe lives within us all. We all are connected to the universe. Francis Collins said, “God can be found in the cathedral or in the laboratory”.

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Therefore, those who try to disassociate spirituality from science are nothing but fools. I do not believe in religions that put us in boxes and separate us from others. I like to read religious texts from every religion. Basically, all of them say the same thing.

Ik Onkaar (There is one God)

Sat Naam (Whose name is Truth)

Kartaa Purakh (Is the creator)

Nirbh-a-o Nirvair (Has no fear, Has no hate)

Akaal Moorat (Is omnipresent)

Ajoonee Saibhn (Never born and Self-perpetuating)

Back to science and spirituality. The Universe is in motion and all of us are in motion like on a potter’s wheel. Here is where Newtonian law coincides with spiritual philosophies. I am particularly fond of Newton’s third Law which is so similar to the concept of Karma in Hinduism and Buddhism. Even in other religions, there is a concept of sin, hell, and heaven which basically talks the same.

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10 Signs That I Am Healing

I started my healing journey in 2022. My WOTY for 2022 was Heal. After two and a half years, it is time to take a look at my progress. Have I really healed? As I always say, healing is a journey and nobody can heal overnight. After years of neglect, grief, trauma, and mental abuse, healing takes longer. However, even a slow progress is progress. I am proud of myself for whatever I have achieved in this journey to heal myself.

Boundaries: I have understood the importance of boundaries. For years, I had no boundary. I allowed people overstep and never reacted to their mistreatment. However, now I have strong boundaries. I feel safer now.

Calmness: I used to get triggered easily. I still do get triggered but I have stopped reacting and started responding. I can stay ice cold at times when someone else is trying to press my buttons. Well, there are still days wen I react, especially during PMS. Nevertheless, my reaction is still way more controlled. There are days, when I can look through the chaos without uttering a word or blinking. Those are the days that I feel proudest of myself.

Guilt-free: The biggest roadblock to healing journey is the sense of guilt. Years of conditioning turns us into feeling guilty for not only our actions but also for the actions of others. If someone else misbehave, instead of blaming them, we feel shame. These days, I have stopped feeling guilty. I am not responsible for someone else’s toxic behavior. I no longer encourage relationships that are solely based on guilt or obligation. I only value authentic relationships.

Criticism: I have stopped getting annoyed by the criticism. I know my truth and no matter what others criticise, I do not let it bother myself. It does hurt when I see others not recognizing my efforts and only emphasizing my negatives. Nevertheless, I have accepted that if a toxic person only wants to see negative traits in me and never appreciate the good qualities, it is their problem. I cannot change the mindset of a person who loves to be in a negative space.

Gaslighting: For years, I have been gaslighted. My feelings, emotions, and emotional needs have been denied. However, I now know my truth and no matter how much others want to make me believe that I am a good for nothing, it doesn’t bother me.

Prioritize Happiness: We often believe that another person is responsible for my happiness. However, the truth is nobody is responsible. We are responsible for our own happiness. The hack to find happiness is actually simple, ignore the things or people that make you unhappy. Accept that you cannot change them. My WOTY for 2024 is Focus and I have started focusing more on the things that make me happy. The more you increase your happiness, the less the toxic people will impact you. I do things that make me happy and never let the smile wilt.

Eggshells: For years, I have walked on egg shells. I used to be a people pleaser and I used to constantly change myself to suit others. Toxic people keep changing the goal posts when they realize that you are a people pleaser and you will do whatever makes them happy. Even after bending myself backward, I couldn’t make them happy. Worse, it changed me as a person and made me depressed. I wish to time travel to those dark days and give myself a hug. These days, I have zero tolerance and I am what I am. Accept or F off.

Shapeshifting: In continuation to the above point, no more shapeshifting. I have started prioritizing my own likes and dislikes. There was a time, I denied my likes and dislikes to make others happy. Be it food, clothing, how I relax, whom I mingle with, and so many other things, I used to just change according to the likes of others. There was a time when I had even stopped ordering in a restaurant and let others order whatever they liked on my behalf. But I don’t do that anymore. What I eat, what I wear, who I become friends with and so many things, I do the way I like

Gratitude: My life is not perfect, nobody’s is. However, I am grateful for the way I have evolved and become stronger and prouder of myself. I am grateful to all the toxic people who helped me evolve with their toxicity. A toxic person never grows as a human. Their souls are stuck in their own hell. They love to marinate themselves in hatred, jealousy, anger, and resentment. Deep down they are cursed and unhappy souls with no redemption. The only thing I can do for them is pray.

Walking Away: Last but not the least, the power to walk away from a toxic situation is the biggest sign of me healing. I now have the courage and calmness to walk away from drama. Trust me, this is a super power. Toxic people thrive on chaos, confusion, and drama. The moment you stop participating and walk away from their trap, they feel powerless.

“Finding Joy in the Imperfections of Life”

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Things That Make Me Happy

What are the things that you enjoy or love? What would be your answer? I ask women, my friends, what they love, and most of them reply that they love traveling, shopping, sleeping, meeting with friends, etc. Most people are very clear about what they love. However, for me, it took years to understand what I truly love. I don’t know why I never had any clear idea about what I loved. Perhaps, nobody ever asked me what I love and thus I never thought about it. However, now that I am addicted to “self-love“, I regularly repeat this question to myself every once in a while. Honestly, now I am extremely clear about the things that I love. Interestingly, I don’t love fancy things. I am in love with the simple things in life. Middle-class simple day-to-day things makes me happiest. Here are the things that I love.

Waking up to the chirping of the birds: People living in other cities take this for granted. However, for me it is a privilege to be able to listen to the chirping of the birds amidst the noise of early morning traffic. Mumbai never sleeps and even early in the morning, traffic snarls dominate. Therefore, whenever, I wake up, I strain my ears to listen to bird’s chirping and when I hear, I feel extremely happy.

Yoga: I love my morning yoga. However, finding time and space to do yoga in the morning is often a challenge. The day, I find space and time to do my yoga practice, I feel so so happy.

Chai: Nothing makes me happier than my morning cuppa. And, yes, I like to drink it peacefully while looking at my plants. I hate when the house turns chaotic before I finish my chai.

Window Garden: I confess that I am not a great plant mom. I often goof up. My plants often turn malnourished and sick. Nevertheless, I love them. It hurts when I see them drooping or wilting. I am happiest when my house is full of plants.

Decluttering: I find decluttering therapeutic. Just cleaning out the drawer or one shelf in the wardrobe is enough to boost my energy. I often dream of starting a business of cleaning and decluttering inspired by Marie Kondo. A clean and organized home is the best thing in the world for me.

Writing: Apart from paid writing, I write for myself also. I end my day writing on my gratitude journal and my to-do list for the next day. I love this ritual of ending my day with gratitude and also planning for the next day. I feel like a headless chicken without a to-do list. I enjoy writing for my blog and feel grateful and happy when others find out time to read and comment on whatever gibberish I write here.

Talking to People: This is a new found love. These days, I enjoy interacting with people. Even though, I still hate large gathering, parties, weddings, etc. I enjoy one-to-one interactions.

Walking: I have started enjoying long walks. I put on a audio book or podcast and go for long walks. It gives me so much energy and happiness.

Sleeping: Nothing is better than uninterrupted sleep for 6-7 hours. Bliss!!

These were my favorite things. These are the simple things that bring immense joy. Please tell me what are the things that make you happy.

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Peri-Crazy: Surviving Hormonal Rollercoaster

Women are not always confident to talk about peri-menopause. They only speak about it with family and good friends but not really in open forums. However, this is such an important phase in a women’s life that we should talk about it more often.

Ever since I hit puberty, I never had any issues with my menstrual cycle. It obediently followed a 28 day cycle. I was fortunate to have never experienced any excruciating pain or heavy bleeding throughout my menstrual journey. Then in March, I missed my periods. It was kind of a shock and I decided to visit my genecologist almost after a decade. She still remembered me and asked me how my baby was doing. When I told that my baby is now a teenager, we both were pleasantly shocked and nostalgic. We realized time flies, the infant that she delivered almost yesterday is now taller than both his mom and the doctor. I felt proud and sad at the same time. Proud of my motherhood journey and sad at how every good thing flies so fast.

Okay, now back to peri-menopause. My doctor said that I have entered the perimenopause stage and it will take me 5-10 years to finally hit menopause. She said that I will reach menopause roughly at the time when my Mom had menopause. Unfortunately, Mom passed away 26 years ago, and if she has taken rebirth as a woman then she is almost 13 years into another round of menstruation. So, doctor said that the next best option after Ma was to ask my Masi, she can give an idea. Mom had 3 sisters, one of them have passed away, the other had hysterectomy and one is suffering from dementia, who can barely remember that she had a sister. So, now I am back to square one without a timeline and have no clue how long this perimenopause will continue.

Perimenopause has made me extremely lethargic. I hardly feel like doing anything. The husband is not really supportive and keep giving me lamba gyan on how I just stay in bed all day doing nothing. How I should exercise more, go for a walk blah blah!! However, he doesn’t realize and fails to recognize that I have invented an amazing AI that does all my work like cleaning, dusting, cooking, opening the door for umpteenth time, watering the plants, teaching the son, cleaning the dishes, organizing the cupboard, sorting out leftovers, cleaning the fridge, doing laundry, taking care of his mom, and my office work just being in bed. I just ask the AI and it does. BTW, the AI is writing this blog as well, because I am in bed just scrolling my mobile.

I am suffering from lots of joint pain. According to doctor, that is also due to perimenopause. I feel like a creaky old woman whose joints are making different types of creaking noises. I can start an orchestra with the noises made by my joints. The knee is suffering the most and these days brisk walking has become a challenge. Nevertheless, I try to walk for an hour. (Oh forgot to tell you, I don’t walk, I send the AI on my behalf for a walk).

The worst symptom of perimenopause is irritability. I have started hating almost everything and everybody. I am turning into a misanthrope. Everyone is irritating me. The other day, son commented that I am behaving like a crazy T-Rex. Smashing anything and everything that comes my way. Meditation used to help me but now this scorching heat and perimenopause has become such a deadly cocktail that I can literally behave like Sunny Deol and uproot a handpump if anyone rub me the wrong way. The funny part is the unpredictability of mood. I can turn from happy-miss-sunshine to hell-hath-no-fury in fraction of a second. So, everyone who has to deal with me is now walking on eggshells.

This was more or less the ranting of an old perimenopausal woman. Now tell me about you?

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Gratitude List: April 2024

April was the month to restore. In yoga, the term restorative yoga is a gentle, therapeutic style of yoga that focuses on stillness, long holds, and deep breathing to help the body and mind rest and recharge. April for me was a month, where I gradually tried to restore my life. January, February, and March went in whirlwind. Finally, in April, I took baby steps to get back to rhythm and routine.

I was feeling extremely lethargic, and was literally dragging myself to do stuff. Therefore, went to the doctor and got a full body check. Thankfully, the reports came out good. The only issue is vitamin deficiency. I have started taking vitamins. Hopefully, the levels will rise soon.

I was often blaming myself that I was not doing enough. However, now when I am writing this, I realize, I was being unnecessarily unkind to myself. I did enough.

The month was hectic workwise with too many deadlines. However, the good thing is that I managed to finish everything on time.

Went to watch two movies in the theatre which in itself is a great blessing.

The better half also acted in a Bengali drama. He performed on Bengali New Year’s Day and his performance was well appreciated. It is good to see that he has started taking interest in creative activities. He even wrote a play and the performance almost turned him into a local superstar.

This was more or less my April. Nothing much happened. It was neither bad nor good. So in a way a non eventful April. How was your April? Please let me know in the comment.

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Does the Internet Overwhelm You?

We all use the internet. In today’s age, there is no way to escape the world wide web. Like everyone else, I also reach out to the internet atleast 10000 times a day. What to cook, how to manage your child, how to become friends with your toxic mother-in-law, how to save a dying spider plant, what was the menu of the Ambani pre-wedding, cheapest flights to Kolkata, how to make more money, how to buy bitcoin, am I a reincarnate, the list is endless and often bizarre. I am sure even Google frowns at my diabolical, eccentric, and sometimes cuter than a teddy bear search history. Just look at my recent Google Search

I mean why am I bothered about who paid for Diana’s wedding? mujhe ja ke paisa wassoli thodi na karna hai? phir bhi I searched. Branded stuff are definitely waste of money for middle class people like us, because grapes are sour. I really can’t afford a Jimmy Choo or LV. So my mantra is by default “simplicity is the ultimate sophistication”, and that is also a jibe at the Ambani pre-wedding which was nowhere close to simple. By the way, do watch Laapaata Ladies, it is hilarious.

Even though, I depend heavily on Google, Pinterest, and Youtube for any kind of learning these days, things can get overwhelming. Back in the days, I used to read books to gain knowledge, now I read internet articles, and listen to podcasts. However, the challenge is that books took longer to read but I can learn the same thing in one hour by listening to a podcast or watching a video. This accessibility has kind of created a “too many cooks spoil the broth” kind of situation.

Sometimes the internet says wealth is good, sometimes Marie Kondo comes and says practice minimalism. Somewhere I read intermittent fasting is good, elsewhere it is bad. The situation gets worse during illnesses. Internet infers every disease as cancer. So, I am eternally living in the fear of carcenoma whenever I get anything from headache to toothache. Internet has given me so many insecurities, for example, do you also read those articles that says “Signs that…..”. So I have read zillion articles on Signs that he loves you, signs that he doesn’t love you, signs that you are turning bald, signs that you are poor, signs that you were adopted, signs that you are unsuccessful in your career, signs that you have irritable bowel syndrome, etc etc. So after reading all these signs, I am convinced that Doomsday is nearing, AI will take over everything, the rich to escape to Mars and we will turn zombies.

Tell me, does the internet overwhelm you as well? what does your search history look like? What is the most bizarre thing that you have searched on the internet?

Gratitude February-Glimmers and Grace

Glimmers & Grace is an uplifting monthly feature in which bloggers reflect on moments of joy and grace experienced (even amid challenges) in the past month.

February started super hectic. As readers are aware from my previous post that husband’s niece got married in January. The wedding was spread over almost a week. The entire first week of February the wedding went on. Soon after, son’s exams started. While, son was preparing for his exams, I started preparing for Sraswati Puja, an annual festival at my home. Many of my friends came to attend the puja. I was excited when everyone said that they felt lots of positive vibes during the puja. Renovation work started at my house after the exams ended. To escape the dust and chaos at home. Son and I escaped to Pondicherry.

View from the Room

In Pondicherry, we spent an amazingly relaxing, refreshing, and rejuvenating vacation. We stayed in one of the guest houses of Shri Aurobindo Ashram. From almost every corner of the room, we could see the sea waves. The ashram was on the Goubert Avenue, in other words, right on the Rock Beach Road. I used to spend most of the day, sitting either on the balcony looking at the sea or people walking on the Rock Beach Road, or else down at the dining hall, meeting fellow guests from across the world. Met one particularly interesting person, his name is Janardan Ji. His Uncle was Champaklal, the trusted aid of Shri Aurobindo and Mother.

Empty Rock Beach Road in the Afternoon

I have never spent such a lazy vacation before. Did absolutely no touristy stuff apart from visiting the Paradise beach. This beach is a real treasure. It will remind you of both Goa and Kerala Backwaters. It was an absolutely empty white sand beach. We sat there under a coconut leaf shack and kept watching the waves rise and fall.

Entrance to Paradise Beach

Loved the food in Pondicherry. For Breakfast and Lunch we ate at the Ashrma’s dining hall. However, dinner used to be a moment of foodgasm. It was a Mom-son trip and both of us like to explore cuisines. The two of us were literally in food heaven trying out various European and South Indian cuisines. One of the Cafes in Pondy became our absolute favourite. Every evening, we went there for some snacks. The ambience was beautiful and the staff were courteous. The day we were leaving, those boys gave us a nice farewell with a cheesecake.

Meeting my college friend and his wife at Pondicherry was undoubtedly serendipitous. We spent an entire evening discussing everything from art, science, politics, and nostalgia. We also went to eat Portuguese food followed by French macaron, vodka cookies, and cinnamon rolls.

On our way back, we stayed for two days in Chennai. Met my husband’s cousin and his family after a long time. I also met my maternal Uncle after almost 20 years. He is a 90 year old young man, who impressed my son with his stories. On the leap day, we were back in Aamchi Mumbai.

Pondicherry After 38 Years

The Pandemic changed my traveling style. Earlier, I used to love traveling to 10 places in 10 days. However, these days, I prefer to stay and explore one place in a leisurely manner. I no longer like to rush my trips and do things slowly. This time, I came to stay in Pondicherry for 8 days.

In 1986, I was barely nine when I first visited Pondicherry with my parents. I remember the year because an event called ‘Hope 86′ was happening, and we missed that event during our trip. My parents were not the travelling type; they only visited relatives’ homes in different towns or Puri, an eternal favourite of Bongs. Other than that, the only long trip we ever took was to South India. Some of my dad’s colleagues planned this trip, and we joined. We visited Chennai, Madurai, Pondicherry, Kanyakumari, and Rameswaram.

Cafe Des Arts

In Pondicherry, we stayed in a French-style house with a portico and an inner garden with a small fountain. I had never stayed in such a fancy place before. The white building with bougainvillea hanging out was a treat to my eyes. I loved the furniture, the bed with stands, and a small stool to climb up on the bed. The room also had Western-style toilets. Back in the 80s, Western-style toilets were also considered fancy.

My dad was not a religious person. However, he always had a special respect for Shri Aurobindo. Interestingly, our family had a connection with Shri Aurobinda’s younger brother Barin Ghosh. In 1908, Barin Ghosh was escaping from the police after the failed assassination attempt of Magistrate Douglas Kingsford. He took shelter in our ancestral home in Kolkata. My great-grandfather was a judge at Kolkata High Court, and our house seemed like a safe place to hide from the police as nobody would search a Judge’s house. Barin Ghosh’s biological mother had schizophrenia, and he was raised by his foster mother, whom he lovingly called Ranga Ma. She was friends with my great-grandmother. At the request of Ranga Ma, Barin was hidden in our house. Later on, he showed gratitude by writing about this incident in his newspaper Jugantar.

When I went to visit the Aurobindo ashram in my childhood, I probably had my first spiritual experience. When I touched my forehead on the samadi, I could feel a current pass through my body. I felt amazing peace and happiness. In the ashram, I was amused to visit their dining hall and watch how they do self-service and wash dishes after meals. The entire experience was surreal. Here in Pondicherry, I spoke with a foreigner for the first time. I had never seen a foreigner before, other than in movies. I still vaguely remember that he was from Scotland. He helped my mom understand the menu card that was written in French. My overall experience was so ethereal that I made a vow to myself to come back. However, that “coming back” happened after 38 years. This time, my son joined me.

One of my dad’s cousins was a disciple of the Aurobindo ashram and spent her last years in the ashram. The ashram members took good care of her in her last days, and she was given a beautiful funeral. I also know a couple more people who have spent their retired lives under the care of Aurobindo Ashram. These days, I often think of my retirement and how not to become a burden to anyone. I often think about senior homes and ashrams where I can spend my life in peace. Aurobindo Ashram and Auroville definitely top the list. When I reached Pondicherry, I had a dream, a dream to find a home for myself. However, this is where the story gets interesting.

This time, I am no longer a nine-year-old innocent child. Over the years, I have become sceptical and cynical. I have also become judgmental and suspicious. I have learnt to question authority, obedience, allegiance, and loyalty. When I touched my forehead on the samadhi this time, there was no spark, current, or goosebumps. Has my energy changed, or has the energy of the ashram changed? In 1986, the ashram was full of youngsters; this time, there were more wheelchairs and walking sticks. The Ashramites are no longer a young, energetic crowd. The average age is now 70 years. This time, I also wondered why Aurobindo’s wife never gets mentioned anywhere. This led me to dive deeply into the internet and find out about her. It was surprising that his wife, Mrinalini or Minoo, found solace in the comforting arms of Ma Sarada, wife of Ramakrishna Paramahansa. Mrinalini became a devout follower of Ma Sarada and worshipped her every day.

Auroville, the Utopian world created by Mother, was a dream destination; however, when I went there, the reality was not conducive to a city dweller like me. Even though we all wish to leave our city life behind and settle in the wilderness, when it happens, we get nervous. Auroville has survived 50 years, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have challenges. Surviving on 20k a month takes work. Staying without roads, water, electricity, and currency is not easy. Auroville is a place for dreamers who see the world differently. Even though I still dream of this kind of life, I also have a pragmatic side that would never allow me to live this kind of life.

I often crave to escape the hustle and bustle, only to start missing it. Auroville is where you need to give physical labor to build the city. I don’t think I really can work in the open in this scorching South Indian heat. Waiting barely for 2 hours in the sun exhausted me; forget about spending entire days tending to the garden or some other work.
Pondicherry, thankfully, is still beautiful. The Colonial French architecture, the bright yellow buildings, the graffiti, the eclectic cafes, the bougainvillaea on each wall, and people from around the world truly make this city an international city.