Brian Francis's Blog, page 25

Green Bean Casserole

It goes without saying that there’s a pretty big date looming at the end of this week. No, I’m not talking about that Mayan end-of-the-world thing. I’m talking about my annual Caker Christmas party on December 22. (I set it the day after Armageddon just in case.)

This year, I’m doing a “vintage” theme – all the recipes have to come from caker cookbooks from the '50s and '60s. Suffice to say, I think me and the Italians are in for some incredible indigestion gastronomical delights. I’ll post all the deets the following day – provided my sodium-induced edema doesn't get in the way. (I swear, I can't even get my knitted slippers on by the end of the night.)

In the meantime, help yourself to this staple of caker holiday dinners. Green Bean Casserole is so popular, even cakers who don’t know they’re cakers (which, truthfully, is most cakers) make this dish. If you want to ramp up the festivitiness of it, use the French-cut beans with pimento pieces. That way, pieces of green and red shine through the grey sludge like tiny bits of hope. And given the state of the world sometimes, I think we need every scrap of hope we can find.

2 one-pound cans cut green beans, drained
¼ cup milk
1 can Cream of Mushroom Soup
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1 ½ cups French Fried onions

Heat oven to 350°. Combine beans, milk, soup, pepper and ¾ of French Fried onions. Pour into 1 ½ quart casserole. Bake, uncovered for 30 minutes. Top with remaining onions and bake 5 minutes longer.

Source: Let's Break Bread Together, The United Churches in Canada

Reader Recipe: Double Double Slice

Recently, I was accosted approached by a stranger at an event. Usually it’s Security, but this time, it was a Caker Cooking reader named Jenny. She told me that she recently dreamt (dreamed?) up a caker recipe (by that I mean she literally had a dream) and wanted to share it with me.

In Jenny’s words:

"Inspired (subconsciously) by Confetti Slice, the peanut-butter-and-coloured-marshmallow bake sale classic, it went by 'café au lait slice' in my dream. But the name didn’t sufficiently capture its cloying sweetness. Hence, Double Double Slice."

I made it (with some minor variations) and can confirm that Jenny’s Double Double Slice is double double delicious. It's like the sophisticated cousin of my controversial Peanut Butter Marshmallow Squares. In fact, I think Double Double Slice falls under a new caker category: nouveau caker cooking. (I'll have to trademark that before Sandra Lee catches wind.)

Since I always associate Peanut Butter Marshmallow Squares with the holidays, I'm more than happy to welcome Jenny’s Double Double Slice to my aluminium platter of Christmas baking.

Thanks, Jenny! Sweet dreams.

3 tablespoons butter
¾ cup dulce de leche or sweetened-condensed-milk toffee (See Note 1)
2 ½ cups white chocolate chips
3 teaspoons instant espresso powder (See Note 2)
4 cups white mini marshmallows

Melt butter, dulce de leche or toffee, and white chocolate chips in a double boiler. Stir in espresso powder until combined. If the mixture is too thick, add 1 tbsp cream. Let cool a bit. Stir in marshmallows, and press mixture into a greased 8-inch glass baking pan. Refrigerate until firm, and cut into squares. Preferably small squares. A little goes a long way.

Note 1: Jenny said if I couldn't find dulche de leche, I could boil a can of Eagle Brand Sweetened Condensed Milk in a pan of water for three hours to turn it into toffee. Three hours??? The Good Lord wants me to enjoy life and not stand beside a stove. So I used dulche de leche-flavoured Eagle Brand Sweetened Condensed Milk. It took three seconds to open.

Note 2: I have a hunch most cakers won't know what espresso powder is (pronounced "ex-pres-soh"). To be safe,  I substituted it with instant coffee granules. Decaffeinated, of course. You don't want hyper cakers on your hands during the holidays. Trust me.

Source: I Dream of Jenny

Macaroni Christmas Tree

There really is no shortage of caker crafts you can make this holiday season. Alls you need is gold spray paint, access to a dollar store and about four minutes.

This macaroni Christmas tree is a cinch to make – and just look at the results! You'd probably pay close to twenty dollars for this in the Sears catalogue.
The instructions said to use white glue, but I had a problem getting the macaroni to stick. Plus I kept eating it. (The glue, I mean, not the macaroni.) So I brought out the ol’ glue gun and managed to burn off a few layers of my fingertips. Be careful! Especially when gluing on those little elbow buggers. I was cussing a blue streak. But all the pain was worth it. Now if only I could type without having to use the end of a pencil.




Instructions:

Buy an assortment of different shaped pasta. 








Glue in a pattern around a Styrofoam cone. Then spray paint the crap out of it. I set mine in a terra cot pot that I also spray painted the crap out of.






Source: Make Your Own Accessories For Every Room, 1971Special thanks to Georgia for loaning me her book!

Cocktail Meatballs

Folks, there’s no cause for alarm. That bouquet of Charlie perfume and shrimp cocktail sauce you’ve been smelling lately isn’t the sign of a stroke. It simply means that Caker Christmas Cocktail Party Season (or CCCPS) is in full swing.

Caker holiday parties are great because you get to hover around a nut-crusted cheese ball, snoop through people’s medicine cabinets and play Connect Four. And there's always someone in reindeer antlers who has too many rum and Cokes and refuses to come out of the bathroom.

Guaranteed you'll find these tangy meatballs during CCCPS. The ingredients may not look too appetizing (grape jelly and chili sauce?) but a bit of magic happens when the two are combined. Don’t forget the toothpicks. You don’t want to burn your fingers fishing the meatballs out of the pot.

Prepare small one-bite size meatballs and fry until well done. (See note 1.) This can be done ahead and then stored in the refrigerator.

Sauce: Make up just before serving. Combine equal amounts of Heinz Chili Sauce and Welch’s Grape Jelly to desired volume. (See note 2.)

Warm until the mixture is glassy. Add meatballs to sauce and warm thoroughly. (See note 3.) Serve in a chafing dish on cocktail sticks. An excellent party appetizer.

Note 1: Or do what I did and buy the pre-cooked frozen ones and heat them in the sauce.
Note 2: I made about 30 meatballs and used 2 cups each of chili sauce and jelly.
Note 3: I let mine simmer for about a half hour. You can also do them in a slower cooker.

Source: Mixed Blessings Book of Recipes, Salem United Church

(Not exactly a title that inspires confidence, is it?)

Reader Recipe: Ritz Christmas Treats

My month-long Caker Christmas extravaganza continues with a reader recipe from the East Coast, sent in by CBC Canada Reads producer, Erin Balser.

In Erin’s own words:

"The Annapolis Valley is rich with community cookbooks, all with their delightful own twists on seafood fare and caker goodness. They were made for everything – church fundraisers, school fundraisers, for the Legion, for the holidays, etc. This particular one was made by the Royal Bank Branch members in Weymouth and Digby and my mother, being a Royal Bank member herself, was eager to support this cross-community initiative and gave all her children a copy of this book for Christmas in 2007. So, at least on the East Coast, the community cookbook is alive and well.

I have never made Ritz Christmas Treats. They scare me. But I felt if anyone I knew was up for the task, it was Brian Francis."

Erin, I’m deeply honoured. And I’m also deeply happy to report that Ritz Christmas Treats are deliciously addictive. It should be renamed Ritz Christmas Crack. I had to call 911 because I couldn’t stop eating these. (The operator wasn’t amused, but she was probably a non-caker.) In any case, I hope Ritz Christmas Treats become as much a part of your holiday traditions as awkward relative hugging and clove-studded orange candle holder thingies.

Thanks, Erin! Be sure to check out the CBC Canada Reads 2013 competition. My book,  Fruit , was in the 2009 edition and I have to say – there’s nothing more surreal than listening to your book being discussed on national radio while you’re on your way to No Frills.

2 boxes Ritz Crackers
2 cups dry roasted peanuts
1 cup white sugar
1/2 cup margarine
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup corn syrup
1 tsp vanilla

Put peanuts and crackers in roasting pan. In a saucepan, boil sugar, margarine and corn syrup. Boil for 5 minutes. Add vanilla and soda. Pour over crackers and peanuts. Bake at 250 stirring every 15 minutes. (See note.) Remove from oven and put on wax paper. Break apart.

Source: Royal Recipes, Caring For Our Community, Royal Bank Digby & Weymouth Branches, Nova Scotia











Note: It doesn't say how long to cook it. I left it in for about 45 minutes.

Ye Olde Christmas Milk Carton Lantern

Before there was electricity, cakers from ancient times had to rely on candle-lit lanterns at night to safely guide them to the outhouse. Sometimes, they carried shotguns on account of the coyotes. (Pronounced kai-yoats in those days.) Here’s a Christmas craft that pays homage to the bravery of our toiletless ancestors while adding some modern day dollar store jeuge.
Ye Olde Christmas Milk Carton Lanterns are easy to make and add that touch of personal pizazz to your holiday table or toilet tank. Just make sure you wash the milk carton really good before you use it. Otherwise, people might assume that smell is coming from you. I’ve lost a lost a friends that way.




Instructions:
Take a milk carton and cut out rectangles on all four sides.










Spray paint the crap out of it.










Cut one of those grey foam thingies to fit the bottom of the carton, then cut out a circle in the centre and insert your votive. Set it into the bottom of the carton and add your greenery, bells, etc.
Note: Never light this. If you do, I guarantee you’ll have the worst Christmas ever.

Shortbread Cookies

Grab your maraschino cherries and gold spray paint – it’s Caker Cooking’s month-long Christmas extravaganza! 
The holiday season holds a special place in my caker heart on account of my annual Caker Christmas party where I force invite Italian people to make – and eat – caker food. Leading up to my big party on December 22, I’ll be posting caker holiday recipes, stunning Christmas crafts that you (or a three-year-old) can make, as well as holiday faves from Caker Cooking readers.

In the meantime, I’m taking a break from snowing my windows to enjoy a glass of rum-spiked eggnog, along with these granny-approved shortbread cookies. Cakers don’t usually use real butter in our recipes because a) it’s expensive and b) who has time to sit around waiting for butter to soften? But we make a yearly exception for these melt-in-your-mouth classics. 
When my mom used to make shortbread cookies, she always chintzed out on the best part – the maraschino cherry. (They looked like fingernail clippings.) I say don't hold back. Cut those beauties in half! The more these cookies look like boobies, the better. 
1 cup butter½ cup icing sugar1½ cups flourred and green maraschino cherries
Preheat over to 300°. In bowl, add butter and icing sugar. Beat for 2 to 3 minutes on medium speed with electric mixer. Add flour, then beat again until well blended. Drop by spoonfuls on greased cookie sheet and top with cherry. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes (or until light brown edges appear). Remove and cool.
Source: Royal Recipes for the Love of Tiny Hearts

Reader Recipe: White Stuff

When this recipe was sent to me from the Knox United Church cookbook from Qu'Appelle, Saskatchewan, I could only hang my head in shame. I’ve talked before about how cakers are pretty uninspired when it comes to naming their food. White Stuff, sadly, is about the laziest name I’ve come across – well, besides Pink Thing.

I’m glad the world isn’t run by cakers. Just imagine how adjectiveless everything would be. Nail polish would fall into two colour categories: red and not red. Movie ad headlines would scream “NOT BAD!” High-end restaurant menus would feature items like “Expensive Cow Pieces” and “Eggy Pudding with a Crust That’s Been Blow-Torched.”

That’s not to say White Stuff isn’t tasty. It most certainly is. Just do yourself a favour and call it anything but.

And that, my friends, officially brings "Stuff Made with Cereal" month to its sugary end! I’m off to the dentist now to get some new teeth.

2 cups Cheerios      
2 cups Crispix cereal
2 cups peanuts  
2 cups pretzels
2 cups melted white chocolate

Mix first four ingredients in a big bowl. Add melted chocolate. Stir lightly till coated.

PS: MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR! My Caker Christmas extravaganza starts on Monday! I’m really pulling out all the stops. Trust me – this is going to make Hee Haw’s Christmas Special look really low budget. Stay tuned.


Source: Knox 2000, Knox United Church, Qu'Appelle, Saskatchewan

Chex Caramel Chocolate Drizzles

Well, here we are − the final week of “Stuff Made with Cereal” month and boy, do I have the battle scars to prove it. My palate is all scraped, I’m so addicted to corn syrup that A&E wants me for Intervention, and I have enough Niacin running through my veins to kill a small animal.

For those of you assuming otherwise, today’s recipe proves that caker cooking goes far beyond coil-bound recipe books from the '70s. In fact, the wonderful world of cakery is all around us. We just need to open our eyes – and hearts – to find it.

I discovered this recipe recently on the back of a box of Rice Chex cereal. And you know what? It actually made Rice Chex taste good. Funny how melted caramel can do that. Serve this to your guests in a Cool Whip container. Those extra touches can often mean so much.

6 cups Rice Chex cereal
25 caramels, unwrapped
2 tablespoons butter or margarine
2 tablespoons milk
¼ cup melted chocolate chips

Place cereal in large microwaveable bowl. In medium microwaveable bowl, microwave caramels, butter and milk uncovered on High 2-3 minutes, stirring after each minute, until caramels are melted and mixture is smooth. Pour over cereal; gently stir until evenly coated. Microwave on High 3-4 minutes, stirring after each minute, until just beginning to brown. Spread on waxed paper to cool. In small microwaveable bowl, melt chocolate chips uncovered on High about 1 minute or until chocolate can be stirred smooth. Drizzle over snack. Refrigerate until set. Store in airtight container.

Note: I don’t own a microwave, so I used a double boiler and then put the mixture in the oven at 250°, stirring every minute or so until it browned.

Source: Rice Chex cereal box









PS: MOTHER OF GOD! Caker Christmas is just around the corner and I've got the gold spraypaint-stained fingertips to prove it. Watch for my month-long extravaganza, starting Monday, December 3.

Special K Squares

I’m into week three of “Stuff Made with Cereal” month and I'm feeling a little strange. It could be because Mildred has been distant lately or that I’m bazaared out, but I keep having nightmares about being chased by apple head dolls while wearing knitted slippers. Maybe I’m consuming too much corn syrup from all these cereal recipes. LSD has nothing on this shit.

Speaking of drugs, our latest caker recipe involves Special K, a cereal that’s a bit of a mystery to me. What does the K stand for? What’s it made of? And why do I always think of a woman swirling around in a red dress when I eat it?

My taste-tester had issues with the butterscotch chips. He says their fake maple-y scent stays lodged in his nose for weeks, but he’s a tad dramatic. In other words, Italian. Feel free to substitute the butterscotch chips with peanut butter chips if you don’t like things lodged in your nose.

½ cup white sugar
½ cup corn syrup
Place on stove, let come to a bubble. Remove from stove. Add ½ cup peanut butter. Pour this mixture over following mixture:
3 cups Special K cereal
½ cup coconut
Mix thoroughly. Spread in medium-sized pan (greased.)
Melt together:
1 package butterscotch chips
½ package chocolate chips
Spread over mixture in pan. No more cooking needed. Keep in cool place. Cut in squares.

Source: “The Village” Cook Book












PS: GOOD LORD! Caker Christmas is right around the corner! This blog’s gonna explode like a can of fake snow. I'm talking food, crafts, reader recipes and more. And don't throw out your milk cartons. You'll find out why soon enough.