Betsy Talbot's Blog, page 31

Fear of public speaking (and how action trumps analysis)

Fear typically rears its head when we are drawn to something powerful: an idea, environment, or relationship that we know could be life-changing if we only took that first step.

Think about the last time an idea really intrigued you. Were you pushing your boundaries, standing on the precipice of a leap that could bring you something terrific? Were you this close to landing a deal, strengthening a relationship, maximizing your talents, or creating something powerful? If you didn't take that leap, do you feel regret over what could have been?

We've all felt that before, the combination of anxiety and exhilaration that comes from the realization that we are on the edge of…something. We have that overall body tingle, a heightened awareness, and our fingers and toes twitch involuntarily as we prepare to jump right in or run away as fast as we possibly can.

You know what many of us do at this point. We step back and the anxiety fades, taking with it the exhilaration, the feeling that we are moments from something fantastic, if we can only push through. At first we console ourselves with statements like, "it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway," but we know deep down that is false comfort. By saying no to the opportunity – which is what you do whether you consciously step back or let the clock run out – you are making it a sure thing that it won't work out.

Action Trumps Analysis (or, "why not?")

You know the old joke, that most people attending a funeral would rather be in the casket than than standing at the podium to deliver the eulogy. Fear of public speaking is a big concern for many people, and I've seen this play out personally and professionally for even the most confident people.

Stepping up to the microphone – even the thought of it – makes our stomachs tense and our hearts beat a little faster. We imagine forgetting our words or having a technical problem, clicking quickly through our PowerPoint presentation as we fill the air with nervous chatter, watching as the audience members nod their heads and whisper to each other about how stupid we must be. We're doomed to a life of mediocrity, everyone will laugh at us, and it will all be front-page news tomorrow.

(I know, shades of the Drama Queen here.)

Now imagine you were diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome as a kid and you've spent your early adulthood researching and trying all kinds of techniques to manage your vocal and motor tics. Josh Hanagarne found success over his Tourette's Syndrom through strength training and other forms of intense body discipline, and he writes about his day job as a mild-mannered librarian who can rip phone books in two at World's Strongest Librarian. (Like Clark Kent with a Library Science degree.)

Josh is not a person who shrinks back from challenge. In fact, he is the guy who leaps forward into opportunity, and it shows in the level of success he's seen in his life.

I asked Josh to give us a little background on how he "accidentally" became a professional speaker:

In December of 2010 I got an email from the PACER organization in Minneapolis. Apparently someone had heard me talk for a couple of minutes at a Tourette's Syndrome Support Group picnic here in Salt Lake and immediately wrote to an acquaintance at PACER to ask that they invite me. That was a huge surprise. From a casual picnic of maybe 20 people to a group of 1200 special educators and parents of kids with special needs.

A week prior to the Minneapolis engagement, the same group asked if I could fill in for someone at their conference in Washington, DC. I said yes, and so far those two engagements have resulted in more invitations. So it wasn't thrust on me, and I didn't chase it. I got invited and thought, "Why not?"

To ease his concerns about his first speech, he made sure he understood what information he needed to convey, what kind of audience he would be speaking to, and the kind of result they wanted with the speech. 

 I was a little uneasy about whether I was right for the audience, but the leaders assured me that I was, so I trusted them. I had a story to tell and all I could do was tell it well, so I prepared and did it. Based on the reaction, I did everything I was hired to do.

Other than his action-based approach to challenging new opportunities, Josh has some great insight into using fear as a motivator.

Fear is useful. For me, it's a clue. I tend to thrive when something makes me uncomfortable. I don't think fear should be avoided, and it often can't be avoided. I don't seek it out as in, "I'm going to run into that burning building because that would be scary and therefore edifying." But when I sense that something scares me, it feels like an opportunity. When I do something that scares me, someone else usually gets something out of it.

There's nothing wrong with being afraid as long as the fear doesn't paralyze you.

 How this can help you in your next big challenge

Ask yourself, "Why not?" Are your answers legitimate ( I would get burned putting my hand on a hot stove ) or in the realm of the ridiculous (Failure would mean I could never show my face in this town again)?
Instead of worrying, inform yourself. Find out what is required of this new opportunity and work through the logistics. Too often we spend time worrying about things that don't matter and let the things that do slide by. We increase our chances of failure when we focus on the fears and not the facts.
Acknowledge your fear and use it as a compass. Is it something that will help you or someone else? Then you are probably on the right track. Just don't stop moving!

Do you struggle with fear and confidence? Check out Strip Off Your Fear: Slip Into Something More Confident, available on Amazon on March 15, 2012.

Perception is Reality (or, how to challenge your beliefs)

 

I used to believe that love was enough – enough for a successful marriage, and enduring friendship, a strong family connection. Once you proclaimed your love, it was sufficient to weather any storm…right?

(Stop laughing guys. I can hear you, you know.)

It wasn't until I went through a few rough patches in my first marriage without giving any thought to personal growth or communication strategies that I realized love isn't enough. It played out in my friendships, too. When one person gets too busy for the other, lifestyles change, or a falling out isn't repaired quickly enough, the relationship falters. You may always love the other person, but the love alone won't sustain the relationship. It takes daily work and compromise.

(This is probably why I don't watch romantic comedies or read love stories.)

Warren and I used to joke that everyone should get married the first time just to learn how not to screw it up the second time. Neither of us realized in our first marriages that the "do" in "I do" is a verb and implies action. If we don't make the effort in the early golden period of our relationships to build on our communication skills and resolve problems, we will struggle mightily when a big test comes our way. In hindsight, this is completely logical and I'm embarrassed that I ever bought into that "happily ever after" crap, because boy was I tested!

This was an emotionally and financially draining lesson we both went through, and since we can't change the past, we've learned to challenge our assumptions going forward. Discovering and challenging those limiting and harmful beliefs is the real road – albeit a bumpy one – to happily ever after.

Whether you are laboring under the false belief that love should be enough or you have your own brand of complete nonsense keeping you from Living the Good Life, here is a primer on getting rid of the bullshit.

Perception is reality, ya'll.

 

Define your limiting beliefs

These are the assumptions that need challenging most. No matter how smart you are, if your soul is going in the wrong direction, it will drag your brain along behind it.

If your relationship is failing because of your outdated or fairy tale concept of love, this belief is limiting the potential you have with your mate, friend, or family member.
If you tell yourself you can't lose weight, get organized, manage your money, or even get a good night's sleep – guess what? You won't.
If you believe general stereotypes about the way the world works – I can't trust anyone, good things never come my way, they are all trying to take advantage of me – it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Go one, write out your limiting beliefs. You don't have to share them with the rest of the class.

 

Determine how those limiting beliefs have impacted you

In the instance of our divorces, you can imagine how this false message of love without effort affected us and our former partners emotionally and financially. We all know plenty of people who have fallen prey to this limiting belief.

From your list of limiting beliefs, consider:

How each has affected you in your life thus far
Where you learned it to begin with – was it something that happened to you, a phrase repeated by your parents, or an early experience at school?
Now put on your detective clothes and examine it in detail. Is there an exception to the rule? Could you convince a stranger this is true? A self-limiting belief draws its power from the stories we tell ourselves and the past history we can't shake. It does not rely on facts.

For some reason I can't shake the image of smarty pants Velma, Shaggy, Scooby Doo and the gang at the end of every show. The limiting belief is being led away in handcuffs by the local police, shaking his fist at you and saying, "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" That's just how my mind works.

 

Reframe your limiting beliefs

In our cases, we learned the hard way that love is not enough. Love is a journey, not a destination, and sometimes there are detours, potholes, and road closures. We put forth daily effort in this marriage to keep it heading in the right direction.

This reframing of our limiting belief – that love is a journey and not a destination – has kept us on track for 8 years through cross-country moves, job changes, starting our own business, selling everything we owned, saving enough money to travel around the world, and making this long-term travel into a permanent lifestyle. We're not limited by our beliefs on love anymore, and we know and appreciate how much work it takes to keep this thing going.

To reframe your own limiting beliefs, you have to inject a dose of reality. Is it true that you will never be able to manage your money, or is it that you haven't set your mind to do it? Or that you are listening to a story from your younger, less focused self that is no longer accurate? Are you really incapable of organizing yourself, showing up on time, or finding someone to trust? I don't think so.

Try these on for size:

I can get organized if I spend 15 minutes a day clearing the clutter.
I can lose weight if I burn more calories than I eat every day.
I can manage my money if I write down what I spend every day and see it in black and white.

Finally, you have to drill this reframed belief into your head. Make yourself a postcard, pin the lovely photograph Warren took to motivate you, or create your own. You have years of negative self-talk to overcome, and it will take repetition and repeated exposure to remind you.

Or you could just go through a really gut-wrenching life experience. You're free to pick the option you want, of course, but I'd go with the postcard if I were you. It's a lot cheaper.

 

Permission to Be Healthy – 10 Tips to a Healthier Life

Today we are excited to share this guest post from Courtney Carver, author of the blog Be More with Less. Courtney's story is inspiring and has helped us to realize the importance of not taking our health for granted. We are sure you will enjoy her perspective.

In 2004 I moved across the country in search of deeper snow and steeper trails. I moved to start a new life with my daughter and the love of my life.

In 2005, I married my great love and dreamed about our active, adventurous future.

In 2006, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, a progressively, debilitating disease that can result in double vision, paralysis and cognitive decline. A disease with no known cause or cure.

When I was diagnosed, I didn't know enough to take action. I only knew enough to be really scared. And then I remembered that I knew more than that. I knew that the healthier I was, the stronger my fight against MS would be. Once I gave myself permission to really take care, good health became my mission.

My health plan formed over time. Each change informed the next. 6 years later I'm happy to share the actions that have stopped MS progression in my body, made me a nicer person and encouraged me to live life with hope, joy and gratitude each day. With each change listed below, I'll tell you how I made the change and suggest a simple shift for you. These are big changes, but they all started with a simple shift; a lean into change.

Diet

Prior to my diagnosis, I ate a typical high sugar, carb laden, meaty American diet. After extensive research in my search for health, I experimented with a 30 day raw diet, and slowly transitioned my diet to 100% vegetarian, low dairy diet and am working to cut all dairy and animal products out of my diet. Slow and deliberate change will last longer than radical decisions.

Simple Shift: Eliminate meat 1 day per week. After a month, try 2 days a week.

Health Care Team

I've always had regular physicals and precautionary tests, but I hadn't intentionally formed a medical team. My first neurologist told me that diet and exercise weren't a factor for MS patients. She told me that all MS patients declined. I went home and cried, and then, I fired her and hired a team of doctors and health care practitioners that partner with me to find the best treatments for me and achieve the best overall health possible. They are the experts in their fields, but I am the expert of my body. I am more invested in the outcome than they are, and remember that as we work together.

Simple Shift: Bring a list of questions to your next appointment and interview your doctor to be sure they are a good fit for you. When you intentionally hire your doctor, you can begin to take control of your health care.

Drink Water

I start every morning with a glass of water to slowly wake my digestive system and begin the day with good health in mind. 98% of what I drink every day is water. You can eliminate empty calories, artificial colors and sweeteners and other unpronounceable ingredients by choosing water over sodas and other drinks.

Simple Shift: Choose water instead of juice, soda or other beverages with meals.

Eat Colors not Calories

You can typically create a plate full of colorful fruits and veggies without worrying about overeating or gaining weight. If you choose them in season, they will taste better than anything arriving in a can or bag at your local grocery store. While there are many nutrients in each, most colors stand out for certain health benefits. See this simple color chart to start eating your way towards better health and more energy.

Simple Shift: Add a colorful vegetable to your next meal. Don't be afraid to try something new.

Assess Stress

We all have stress, but too much makes us sick. Stress causes disease. Stress exacerbates disease. Stress makes us mean, sad and worried. Overextending myself physically, emotionally and financially was killing me. I eliminated many of the things that cause stress in a normal day.

Simple Shift: Make a list of everything that is stressful for you in a regular day. Awareness is the first step.

Debt

Debt and money caused the most stress in my life. I got into debt before I turned 20 and feeling defeated, kept spending and incurring debt. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't have credit cards, student loan payments and car payments in my life. After listening to stories of other people that were living debt free after years of overspending, I knew I could do it too.

Simple Shift: Organize your debt and expenses on paper. Identify one monthly expense you can cut and add the difference to your smallest monthly debt payment. When the smallest debt is paid, move on to the next.

Do Good Work

I used to be really busy and really tired from working a job that I didn't like. Instead of sticking with it in fear of not making money, I built my own business. Now instead of doing busy work, I do good work.

Simple Shift: If you don't like your job, or your job wears you down, consider a new career. Make a list of things you love, and things you could teach other people. Next, do a Google search to see if other people are doing something similar. Ask them how they did it.

Exercise

Move every day within your ability. Find activities you like to do. I am not inspired in a gym, but love to walk my dog, hike with my husband and leave all my worries on a yoga mat through a vigorous or sometimes gentle practice. Start small, moving a few minutes a day and add on every week. You don't need a trainer, workout plan or expensive equipment to get started. Just move your body.

Simple Shift: Start with 5. After you brush your teeth in the morning, do 5 sit ups and 5 push ups. Just 5. After the first week, add just 1 more of each for the next week. If add 1 each week, by the end of the year, you'll be doing 56 push ups and sit ups each morning.

Simplify

Physical and emotional clutter was weighing me down and that affected my mood and overall health. I didn't feel good walking into a messy home or spending weekends cleaning. Instead of organizing or hiring someone to handle it, I let it go. We got rid of more than 50% of our stuff and continue to donate things that we don't need. Shopping is no longer a recreational activity and we find joy in spending time together and doing things we love, instead of measuring ourselves by what we own.

Simple Shift: Place an empty box near a door. Add things to it during the week that you don't use with a goal of filling the box by the end of the week. When the box is full, tape it up and drop it off at a local charity.

Live

Each of the changes I made unfolded a life I didn't know was possible. I am open to opportunity, have the clarity to notice the beauty in my everyday life, and the time and attention to be grateful for it.

Simple Shift: Notice and say thank you for 5 things that happened each day before you go to sleep. Write them down. If you can't think of anything on a day, be grateful that you wrote down 5 things the day before.

The changes I made are not specific to MS, or any disease. Each of them or a combination will lead to a healthier body and mind.

My life didn't end when I was diagnosed with MS. That is when it really began. Don't wait for a life changing diagnosis to take charge of your health. Fortify your body. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself so you have the strength and desire to take care of people you love.

Make these changes your own. Research, experiment and dismiss perfection as you learn what makes you feel good. If you try a 30 day raw diet and bail after 10 days because you miss hot soup, move on and try something else. This journey towards better health is not about being perfect and doing things right. It's about learning what is best for you and your body. Be vigilant about your health and grateful for the opportunity to change.

With health, you can have everything you deserve.

What changes have you made to become healthier?

Courtney Carver is the author of Simple Ways to Be More with Less. Read more from Courtney at her blog, Be More with Less, or follow her on twitter.

WWWBD (or, how to make a decision)

Photo by Alison Cornford-Matheson

At the risk of sounding like the charismatic leader of a religious cult (still on my bucket list, by the way), I'm going to advocate something new the next time you have a significant decision or opportunity in front of you.

Think about what we would do with the same decision in front of us. Yes, you read it correctly. When wondering how to make a decision ask yourself,

"What would Warren and Betsy do?" 

Take yourself completely out of the equation and imagine us telling you about the opportunity and our decision and how it was going to impact our lives. Think about us telling you in person, or you reading it some day on the blog. How would you react? Would you wish you could do it, too?

I'm not advocating this because I'm vain (though I am vain). I'm advocating this because people are already doing it and telling us how it helped them get out of their own way and make big decisions. This strategy works.

The most recent story was a Canadian woman who was presented with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to relocate from North America to Europe while she was on an extended vacation, but she had to give her answer quickly. Her first thought (which she admitted to us later): "What would Warren and Betsy do?"

When she told us we laughed, because it is a story we are hearing more and more. And hey, we are more than happy to be the stand-in characters for your decision-making process, believe me. It is a really effective strategy to take yourself out of the moment and visualize as a bystander because you can see so many more options (and realistic problems) this way.

This woman took herself out of the equation and imagined what someone else would do – someone she admired because of a particular personality trait she wanted to develop (in this case, our comfort with environmental change).

She's now living the expat life in a beautiful village and running her small business over the internet. Little does she know we're going to pop in and see her one day. Hope she has a spare bedroom.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in ourselves and how a decision would negatively impact us, or the logistical considerations, that we completely overlook all the benefits or spend our times worrying about freakish possibilities that would never really happen. We let our fears get in the way, real and imagined. We think about how it would affect everyone around us, and we extrapolate the decision out over the years, as if we can predict the future. Sometimes we forget who we have become and instead try to make the decision based on who we used to be.

What started out as a simple opportunity is now a possibility burdened by liability, probability, and history. You can see why it would be too exhausting to even contemplate a decision after piling all that crap on top of such a brilliant opportunity.

Placing yourself outside the decision-making process and allowing someone else evaluate the opportunity can give you the perspective you need to make a good decision. It removes the baggage of your history, current circumstances, and expectations.

It doesn't mean you'll always do what you think we'd do, but it does mean you'll start to look at the opportunities in front of you in a clearer, bolder way.

Just know that if you tell us about it we might show up on your doorstep to help you celebrate. (Don't worry; we won't show up empty-handed.)

Do you know someone struggling with a big decision? Share this article with them. Who knows, they might just envision you as their ideal problem solver!

How to reboot your brain

What I remember most about Maria's aneurysm was the day they cut her beautiful hair in order to place a shunt in her head. She was still out of it most of the time, but she was aware enough to tell the nurse to braid it first so she could donate it to Locks of Love, the charity that makes wigs for cancer patients. The nurse placed her thick braid of hair into a plastic Hazardous Materials bag and handed it to us. Even in the midst of deep personal crisis, Maria was still a generous spirit.

The book she's written about her experience, Rebooting My Brain: How a Freak Aneurysm Reframed My Life, comes from the same generosity, aiming to help people who suffer through this and the friends and family who support them understand the long-term physical, cognitive, and emotional side effects of such an injury.

Before the Aneurysm

Maria is a lot like you and me. She is married, works hard, likes to be with her friends, is concerned for her aging parents, and walks her dog every day. She recycles, cooks dinner, and likes to travel. She is Everywoman, trying to make her corner of the world a better place.

In 2008 she moved to Seattle from San Francisco as a newlywed with her husband Paul. Her business was flourishing, she was in love, and she was settling into a very good life.

That's why her story is so powerful: it could have been me, you, or anyone you know.

Maria began having severe headaches, which finally resulted in her collapse at home with the aneurysm. She is very lucky her husband came home to check on her or she wouldn't be here to tell the story today.

After the Aneurysm

If you've read our story, you know Maria's experience gave us the "life is short" message we needed to hear to stop living a life that wasn't right for us. But it impacted Maria in a very different way. Her biggest dream was to get back to normal and get on with her life. In fact, her biggest goal was to walk her dog every day.

When you're dealing with physical frailty and blindness, that is no small feat.

Something you may not know: Maria is the one who came up with the Married with Luggage name during a day trip after her release from the hospital in the fall. We were still tip-toeing around her, scared we would break her, and her husband Paul encouraged us to tell her about our decision to travel. Without missing a beat, she said, "Oh, you mean like a Married with Luggage kind of thing?"

It was moments of clarity and brilliance like this that showed us she was still there, fighting to come back.

A brain aneurysm is not an illness many people recover from to the degree Maria did, and her insights into how this affected her physically, cognitively and emotionally are priceless.

This is a book you will want to read, mainly because Maria tackles this tough subject with just the right amount of humor and candor. You will be moved, but you will also learn something about how your brain reacts to trauma and how you can support someone who goes through a brain injury.

You'll also learn how Maria's life – her clear mission, her large tribe, and healthy spirit – helped heal her body and mind.

The Mind Meld

Maria and I chatted via Skype, and you can listen to our conversation below. After that, go buy the book! It's only $2.99 on Amazon right now.

Podcast Powered By Podbean

00:54 How does it feel to be moving back to San Francisco when the last move you made came shortly before the aneurysm?

01:54 Maria recaps her story of when the aneurysm struck and the early days.

03:07 There was always someone visiting Maria or helping her out – not for days or weeks, but for well over a year. She talks about building a supportive network of people in your life and how they came through for her.

05:34 Maria's relationship with her husband went from partners to patient/caregiver very quickly. She covers this as well as the trickier transition back to partners after recovery.

08:52 While we wanted to get away from our normal, all Maria wanted was to get back to hers. She talks about how priorities change in a situation like this, and how they probably could have changed for her (and for many of us) even before.

10:31 In the past Maria found it hard to ask for help, and with blindness she simply had to.

Maria Ross Today

11:19 Her dog Eddie played a big role in her recovery, and she shares why he was so important to her (not just because he's so cute)

13:11 Maria's hair was her signature, and when she lost it, it was a big blow. We talk about vanity and identity here, and I admit that I didn't think of her as fully healed until her hair grew back to its former length.

16:30 This is where we get into Maria's personality changes and the ongoing adjustments from the aneurysm. We are far more adaptable creatures than we think.

18:31 Maria reveals the brain strengthening exercises she used to get better and what she still does to remain sharp.

21:32 We talk about ways you can support someone recovering from a brain injury and resources available.

25:20 What's next for Maria? We talk about her patient advocacy work, training for caregivers and staff, and ongoing speaking and writing about brain injuries and recovery.

Love and Happiness in 500 Days

It was over dim sum and beer last night, celebrating the finish of our book, we realized another big milestone. Today marks 500 days since we left on this life-changing journey around the world. It reminds me of the 1001 stories Scheherazade told in One Thousand and One Nights – we've had 500 of our own stories so far. (Though I have to admit we are not collecting our stories to escape murder by the king, so Scheherazade's one up on the badass scale from us.)

We recorded a video for you below to mark the occasion and share some of our lessons. I swear we did not hire those monks to casually walk through the frame, but I'm pretty thrilled they did. We want to remind you that living your dream is pretty freaking great, and the only way to get there is through the small steps you take today, tomorrow, and every day after.

It boils down to how you treat yourself, how you treat the people around you, and the focus and energy you put toward your dreams every single day.

What have we learned in 500 days?

Warren has become a much calmer person, less prone to stressful outbursts, and more adaptable as a whole. I've seen the years melt off his face on this journey as he lets go of the negative energy. By getting rid of it, he's opened himself up to new hobbies and interests, like learning Spanish and Thai, cooking and writing.

I've learned to be more dependent on others and ask for help, which was hard for me to do before. I'm overcoming my good girl tendencies to never need anything or anyone and to only show my work when it is complete. I'm exposing more of my imperfections and in-progress self than ever before, and it is both scary and exhilarating. I have done more in the last 500 days by sharing my half-baked ideas and asking for help than I have done in the last 5 years by myself.

These are our lessons. There are lessons out there waiting to be learned by you. But you've gotta take the first step.

(click here if you don't see the video below)

Do you know someone who is struggling with their goals right now? Send them a link to this article so they can see what it looks like on the other side of all the hard work. It is worth it!

How to fight fair

We live together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. We also have a small business together. Our lifestyle is one of frequent change in location, people, food, and customs.

You know what this adds up to, right? Fights. Yes, we fight. We told you about our epic 12-mile marriage counseling hike in Scotland, and we have had at least one in every country we have visited on 4 continents of travel. You cannot be with another person all the time without fighting, and if you add in a business and a nomadic existence requiring dozens of negotiations and decisions a week, things are bound to get interesting.

One thing we've learned during our 16 months of travel and togetherness is there is no real buildup of a fight anymore. In our old lives, we had plenty of space and outside commitments to take off the pressure of a simmering resentment, and it could build for days or weeks at a time. In our current lifestyle, we're lucky if we can hold it below a boil for 24 hours (though thankfully we don't have to experience this very often anymore).

So even though we disagree, the arguments don't last as long and we are actually getting pretty good at resolving things like adults. It takes a lot of practice to get to this point, and since we've had the benefit of it, here are  the 5 best strategies for successfully arguing with your mate (successful meaning you come to a conclusion and deepen your relationship and understanding of each other, not that you just get tired of fighting and call a truce or have sex or one of you leaves.)

How to fight fair

This article was originally inspired by the name calling, lying, fact twisting, passive aggressive moves, and just plain meanness we've seen in the political news coverage from the US. The election is already nasty and we still have 9 months to go. If the average couple behaved this way when trying to work out a budget, take care of a home, raise children, or even plan a vacation, our divorce rate would be 90% (the other 10% being the portion of our population not deemed suitable for the rights and privileges of marriage in the first place by the same elected officials who keep getting caught in adultery scandals – go figure).

Stay on topic

Fight about one thing at a time. Don't drag out what happened yesterday, last month, or last year. This is the death blow to a fight because it takes it in a winding circle forever.

This is what politicians do. (Have you ever watched a televised debate?)

And this is what people do who don't actually have a strong argument in the first place.

If it is worth fighting about, then fight about it. If you have enough energy to bring up 10 other things, then the fight isn't about what you thought it was in the first place. Go back to your corner and rethink it before you come out swinging.

Avoid extremes of language

You ALWAYS do this. I NEVER get that.

Ha! I'll bet you thought I was going to talk about profanity here, huh? No way. Verbal bombs work for some people, so I'm not going to diss them. But I am going to call out the "always/never/you make me" trio that will stop any progress in a fight immediately.

Always and never are not real. Always and never are lies. And when you bring up always and never it means you cannot think of a single good instance to discuss and would rather fling an inflammatory bomb to make your point. If you cannot name one instance, you do not have a point. If you can name one instance, fight about that one instance.

Politicians do this frequently, making blanket statements about the other party, groups of people, countries, and regions of the world. They say it as fact to help prove their point, but you know nothing is ALWAYS or NEVER and when someone trots out that line, they haven't done their homework. They are counting on you to be lazy enough not to ask for details.

Fight in specifics, not generalities.

It works the same in a relationship, and when you cannot name specifics you cannot get to the root of the problem. "You NEVER take out the trash" is actually "You haven't taken out the trash for the last week." The first one has no response but anger at the lie because the other person has obviously taken out the trash before – it is why you are mad that he/she isn't doing it now. The second one opens you up to a conversation of what has been keeping someone from their regular chores, which is probably the true issue of the fight.

You are crazy if you think he/she makes you crazy

The "you make/made me" tactic is another gem. No one can make you do anything. A more accurate response might be "I feel like X when you do Y," fully taking responsibility for your actions but showing your partner what is a trigger issue for you.

Your partner is then free to point out that your reaction is totally off base ("Really, me spending time with my friends once a month makes you feel lonely? Sounds like the issue is yours, not mine.") or see that you have a point and adjust their behavior going forward ("I never meant to worry you by not calling when I am going to be more than an hour late from work. Even if I'm really busy, I'll take the time to text you from now on.") Think about your complaint from your partner's standpoint and see if you can shoot some holes in it yourself before you react and open your mouth.

Avoiding an argument altogether because you realize you are the jerk first is a huge timesaver and an effective personal growth tip.

(Is your mate the one blaming you for their negative actions toward you and treating you overall like crap? This goes way beyond regular couple fighting. Get some help.)

I love it when politicians say they aren't going to negative with their ads "unless the other candidate does," as if someone else's behavior could make you change your own. If you aren't a dick, how could someone else's actions turn you into one? There had to be some dickishness in the genes already.

Assigning the worst motives in your mate

Why is it that this person we love to pieces one day can be the devil himself another? Instead of looking at this as a problem that needs to be solved, all of a sudden it becomes the evil plan of a demonic mastermind set on ruining your life. (Perhaps this is my Drama Queen getting a little wild.)

Give your mate the benefit of the doubt. You may not agree on the particular topic at hand, but unless you are living with a total jerk, they probably aren't lying awake at night plotting ways to make your life miserable.

When he or she says something that is not quite right but you know what they meant, don't jump on the fact that they used the wrong words just because you can. (Just because you are a better debater does not make you a better human being.) Don't assign motives to their actions that are completely off base just because you are mad.

Remember that this person loves you and even if he or she did screw up, it isn't because they are the spawn of Satan or a newly-diagnosed sociopath.

You can be mad, just don't get crazy with it.

This brings to mind the rants about the "death panels" that were going to come to pass with President Obama's healthcare plan. Disagree with the man's healthcare plan if you don't believe in a single payor system, but please don't make up crazy stuff to strengthen your argument, because it certainly doesn't.

Agree to the resolution

As the the fight is winding down, you can't skip the final step just because you are starting to feel nice to each other again. It takes calmly stating the resolution – what you are going to do and what your mate it is going to do to resolve this – so you don't have to revisit this same topic again.

We like to say "going forward…" as the end of our arguments, spelling out what each of is going to do about our behavior and how we can alert the other person when we sense one of us is veering off track so we don't have the same fight over and over. Unlike politicians, we don't get paid for that.

Our politicians go into a stalemate, break for recess, or kill bills. If something gets through, the other side vows to even the score (as if managing our country needed a score sheet).

When the goal is resolution and not keeping score, you'll both come out ahead.

Fighting fair

Fighting for the sake of fighting is something politicians do. They smear mud hoping they can land more on their opponent than they do themselves.

In a relationship, a fight is a necessary part of building a life together. Even though they aren't always pleasant, having a goal to resolve the issue and not just to win, say "I told you so," or give an ultimatum is key to Living the Good Life.

Oh yeah, and makeup sex. Definitely makeup sex.

Wouldn't it be great if we could have some sweet bipartisan lovin' from our politicians about now?