Betsy Talbot's Blog, page 28

7 Excuses for Why You’re Still in Debt

While we are our riding camels in the Gobi Desert we wanted to provide you with some valuable information on finance and getting out of debt. The following article is from the team over at Money Crashers which outlines how David Bakke managed to climb out of $30k in credit card debt and the lessons he learned in the process. Check out more personal finance tips at Money Crashers.

Due to a lot of bad spending choices I made when I was younger, I had at one point amassed roughly $30,000 in credit card debt. Why I fell into such debt is for another discussion, but the reasons why I stayed in debt for so long can be summed up in one word: excuses.

It’s a fact of life that no one is going to manage your finances for you, and the sooner you grasp that concept, the better off you’ll be. There are very few instances where circumstances completely beyond your control are the main factors as to why you’re still in debt.

Excuses People Make to Stay in Debt

1. Saving Money Is too Hard

Depending upon your level of debt and your current spending habits, this may be true. However, let me be clear: You will never get out of debt unless you can find ways to save money in your everyday life. And while forgoing some of your most common expenses (such as clothing or entertainment) may be difficult, why not look into ways that you can save money which will have little to no effect on your personal life?

Eliminate Landline Telephone. If you look at it objectively, you’ll find that your landline is likely an unnecessary expense in your life. Use your cell phone, Skype, VoIP, or Gmail phone instead.
Review Monthly Bills. Banks have a tendency to sneak unnecessary charges into your account statements, such as maintenance fees and so forth. If you find these, either request that they be removed from your statement, or find a bank that doesn’t charge them – Ally Bank is a good option you can look into. You should review all other monthly bills for hidden charges as well.
Research a Mortgage Refinance. Rates are at all-time lows, and you could likely shave a tidy sum off your monthly mortgage payment.
Save on Groceries. It takes very little time to clip coupons to reduce your monthly grocery bill. Partner these coupons with double coupon days at your local supermarket, and stock up when you find an item that you frequently use at a great price.

2. I’ve Never Been Good at Saving Money

My response to this would simply be, “Neither was I.” Once again, maintaining a healthy personal financial portfolio is solely up to you. If you’re not good at saving money, than make an effort to change your habits.

Identify the daily spending purchases that you can eliminate, such as eating out for lunch, until you’re debt-free. There’s nothing wrong with brown-bagging it to work for a while. If you spend money every day on a cup of coffee at the convenience store, buy a coffee maker and brew it at home. You should ask yourself one simple question every time you reach for your wallet: Do I really need this?

3. Credit Card Debt Is a Way of Life

This is the worst mindset you can have regarding your personal finances, and I learned the hard way that many Americans should not use credit cards. It is a money myth that I subscribed to for years, and when my debt level was at its highest, I was paying nearly $375 per month to my credit cards in interest alone. It took several years to completely eliminate all forms of debt from my life, but when I did, that $375 became money that stayed in my bank account each month. This translated into an annual savings of $4,500 that I could spend as I wished.

It will take a great deal of sacrifice on your part to pay off credit card debt. However, the positive effect being debt-free will have on your life will be worth the effort.

4. I Don’t Know Where to Start

This isn’t really a problem – you can start anywhere. Begin by making a budget. Write down on a piece of paper everything you spend in one month. Next to that, write down how much you make each month. If you are spending more than you make, then you’ll never get out of debt. It is important to control your spending by sticking to a budget and eliminating unnecessary expenditures to keep your spending level beneath your monthly income.

5. I Don’t Have the Time

We are all busy in our daily lives, but you must prioritize, so place it at the top of your list to focus on your debts. For instance, if you currently watch a few hours of television per day, then you absolutely do have time to fix your finances. Forgo the TV for a few nights until you get a firm grip on your financial situation and know what you need to do to save.

6. It’s My Spouse’s Fault

It’s likely that this is merely another excuse to avoid taking control of your own actions and situation. However, if your spouse truly is more responsible for your financial woes than you are, then it’s time to have a frank discussion and formulate a joint plan to become debt-free. If you never had “the money talk” with your spouse, then have it now. Agree on specific money-saving measures and set goals for yourselves as a couple.

Someone has to take the bull by the horns regarding your finances, and sometimes there will be tough decisions to make. If both parties fully understand that there is light at the end of the tunnel, then doing what you need to do in the short term should not be an issue.

7. I Don’t Make Enough Money

While this may very well be a valid point, let me point out that there are two ways to get out of debt: Decrease spending, or increase income. If you truly cannot figure out how to get your spending below your monthly income, then you need to figure out ways to increase revenue.

There are many things that you can do at work to bring in more money, such as volunteering for overtime, taking on more responsibilities, asking for a raise, or, in some cases, just showing up for work on time. If you must clock in each morning and are fifteen minutes late to work three times a week, you can put almost $600 in your pocket (at a wage of $15 per hour) just by being prompt.

Additionally, consider utilizing your free time to generate income. Sell your unused or unwanted items around the house on the Internet, or better yet, start your own business. Identify a key talent and figure out how to turn it into a money-making venture.

Final Thoughts

Once you’ve finally solved your debt issues, the next question might be, “What do I do now?” First and foremost, don’t ever fall into debt again. Once you see how much additional money is in your pocket once you’re debt-free, I doubt you will have difficulty keeping your spending habits in check.

Next, keep the momentum going. Although I didn’t necessarily need to, I continued to practice many of the money-saving methods I utilized to get out of debt, even after I paid off my last balance. This will allow you to focus on your next set of financial challenges, such as planning for retirement.

What tips can you suggest for getting out of debt? Have you successfully eliminated a great deal of debt in your life?

The Traveler’s Guide to Navigating Change

 

Today we became rich. We drew out 1 million Mongolian Tughrik from the ATM and held it in our hot little hands for just moments before handing over 700,000 of it for our next trip. Before you get too impressed, keep in mind 1,000,000 Mongolian Tughrik is the equivalent of $753.00.

Still, it makes the transition into the country a little bit softer by imagining ourselves as high rollers.

Not every country is so gentle. Each destination means calculating a different exchange rate, learning a few new phrases in a foreign tongue, and navigating the cultural differences. We have to learn where to find the grocery store, the bank, the pharmacy, and the laundry. If there is public transport available, we learn how to use it.

Since change is our only constant, we’ve become pretty damn good at it. If you are not yet a pro at change and happen to be in the midst of one, here is our handy guide to navigating your way.

Get there

There is always more than one way to do something, and this is what generally paralyzes most people. Too much choice means no choice at all because there is simply too much information to process.

We research the major ways to arrive at our destination, and then compare them to our budget, available time, and tolerance level for aggravation. Sometimes this means taking a business class flight, and sometimes this means hitching a ride in the back of a pickup truck.

How this applies to you: Find out how to get started and then take the first step. Don’t waste your time problem-solving things that might come later or you’ll never begin.

Example: If you want to run a half-marathon for the first time, you need to sign up for a race. Don’t worry about your training schedule or what shoes to buy until you take the first step and register. You’ll get a lot of help and information by simply taking that first step and you won’t have to figure it out on your own.

Learn the local lingo

We get a better reception than some travelers because we make an effort to learn several phrases in the local tongue. Even knowing the basics – hello, goodbye, please and thank you – will go a long way in making you a welcome visitor in a new place.

We carry small notebooks with us to write new phrases as we learn them, and residents are typically happy to teach us a few words. When someone knows you’ve done a bit of homework to fit in, they are more apt to help you out along the way.

How this applies to you: Learn the vocabulary of your situation so when you ask for help others will know you are serious.

Example: Someone interested in writing a book should know industry terms about writing and publishing and the roles of the various players in the process so agents and publishers will take their pitches seriously.

Convert the currency

We once congratulated ourselves for finishing up our time in a country with no leftover currency to exchange. We crossed the border into the new country later in the day, expecting to find an ATM to withdraw money in the new currency. What we didn’t anticipate was having the ATM be down in a one-horse town. We had to pull out our emergency US dollars and convert them at an ungodly rate at the hotel just to pay for a room and the next day’s bus fare, all the while hoping the next town would have a usable bank.

The lesson is that we always need to keep a little cash on hand to exchange at the border, even though the rate is not as good as the bank.

How this applies to you: It is always easier to transition rather than to make an abrupt change.

Example: You don’t have to quit your job to start a new business. Freelance work could eventually be your ticket to freedom if you start now and build it over time. You may work more hours overall now but with steady progress and less risk.

Find the landmarks

We find the town square first and orient ourselves to it and the various landmarks. There is typically a tourist information office where we can get a free map. This helps us navigate the city later on when walking or using public transportation and to ward off taxi scams to drive us around the block for $20.

Next comes the grocery store, bank, and pharmacy. We also figure out how to get back to our hostel.

How this applies to you: When you know the parameters of your situation or the major steps you can better navigate within it.

Example: When working toward a big dream, keeping a budget is crucial. You must know exactly where you are in relation to your financial goal to keep moving in the right direction.

Explore

Once we have those other steps down, exploring becomes easier. We have arrived, know how to communicate in at least a basic way, have money in hand, and know where we are in the whole scheme of things.

We learn the subway or bus system, where to find a reasonable taxi, and whether it is easier to take a bus or a train between cities. We discover the best restaurants and street food and spend hours exploring the museums and other cultural places. We have a comfort in branching out because our basic needs have been taken care of.

How this applies to you: When you know how all the moving parts work, you are more apt to move yourself.

Example: Working as a volunteer at an event will give you the background knowledge to become a participant next time.

Change from within

When you go about navigating change in a systematic way, it makes even the scariest parts easier to manage. It’s the ‘not knowing’ that will get you every time.

And you don’t have to be a Mongolian millionaire to figure that one out.

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Nurturing Seeds of Inspiration

The seed of inspiration is sometimes so tiny you can’t even see it. It settles into the loose soil of your mind and begins to grow, feeding off the attention you give it. For a long time it might remain almost hidden amongst the other mental flora, growing slow and steady, until one day it peeks up above everything else. It’s that day when the seed from weeks, months, or even years earlier becomes the center of your focus.

20 years of Planting

When I was in my early 20s I worked for an older couple in my small hometown who took a big trip almost every year to some far-flung place on the globe. They were childless, a rarity in my world, and they lived what I considered to be a very exotic life, throwing big parties a few times a year and pursuing unusual hobbies like sculpting and restoring antique carousel horses. They were like no people I’d ever known, and their impact on me was huge. My boss once told mer her favorite country in the world was Portugal, and I’ve remembered this fact for 20 years. It is no accident our final European destination on the Eurasian Adventure 2012 is Portugal, and I know I’ll be thinking of my mentor Ann as we arrive.

The people we are most drawn to have something to teach us.”

Later in my 20s, I did some work for a doctor and became friendly with his wife. They were from Tel Aviv, and Ada didn’t like staying in her house alone on the nights her husband worked at the hospital. She said it was too isolating and scary, so unlike the big city and shared apartment walls she was used to. Vast spaces made her nervous. Having grown up with only vast spaces, I found it fascinating that less space and more people would make her feel safer. How could we be so different!? Now that I’ve visited some of the biggest cities in the world, including Beijing with 20 million people, I understand exactly what she means.

Different realities cause us to see our own in a new light.”

When we stayed with our friend (also named) Betsy in Seattle after we sold our house, Warren helped her organize her basement. As they were going through boxes, she pulled out a notebook and tossed it to Warren, saying he might enjoy reading it. It was a transcribed copy of a great aunt’s journal from her voyage around South America in the early 1800s. We realized upon reading it that our upcoming journey was going to be easy in comparison, what with airplanes and Skype and the internet. It put what were about to do in context with travelers before us, and it made us realize we could do it. It also put the seed in our minds to travel by sea, and less than one year later we were crossing the Atlantic from south to north.

The past can put the present into perspective.”

At a month-long house sit in Brussels last year, we discovered the Conn Iggulden series about the line of Ghengis Khan. The books are absolutely riveting. His descriptions of the Mongol people, the tribal way of life, and the vast open plains under blue skies made us long to see it. We added it to our mental list of desired destinations, never dreaming we’d actually be going there just one year later. As I write this article, we are less than 24 hours from departure.

Books transport your mind to distant places and introduce new ideas, and sometimes you’ll want to experience both.”

Russia has always been fascinating to me, probably because during much of my early life it was off limits as our country’s foe in the Cold War. I devoured books by Dostoevsky and modern tales like Gorky Park. We watched movies like TransSiberian and The Bourne Identity. Then in Thailand earlier this year we became friends with Russ and Michelle, who both love to read as much as I do. They recommended the Edward Rutherford books, among them Russka. This book shed light on how the country first came to communism as well as how the different ethnicities in it got along (or didn’t, as was the case much of the time). The book got me as excited to see Russia as Diana Gabaldon’s books on Scotland did before our visit there. At the time we weren’t planning to go to Russia in particular, but as we began thinking of going north after Thailand, the seasons sort of lined up and it became a real possibility. We now have Russian visas in our passports and will arrive in just a few weeks.

 The forbidden fruit is always most tempting.”

The tiniest seed of all, however, was the movie The Matrix. When it came out in 1999 it was revolutionary in terms of special effects (you may remember Neo dodging bullets in slow motion). You see that kind of thing all the time now, but back then it was cool stuff. But the movie struck me in a much larger way.

At the time I felt like I was living a life that wasn’t my own, abiding by rules I didn’t want to follow, and heading for a destination that wasn’t appealing. The movie made me imagine finding my own Morpheus, breaking free of the confines of a life that didn’t fit, and challenging the Matrix that controlled my life. It excited me like no other movie, and I became a little bit obsessive about it. I’ve watched that movie so many times I could quote it verbatim. (You may have read my recent post on flying your freak flag; this is mine.)

A seed of inspiration is still just a tiny seed, though, and it needs attention to grow. As time wore on and I began making jokes about living in “the construct” and privately calling my overlord at work Agent Smith, the seed began to take root. Why couldn’t I question the world I was living in? Who did my conformity serve (because it certainly wasn’t serving me)?

It was just over a year later I decided to find out what was available in the real world, moving 1500 miles away to start over, questioning everything and making just as many mistakes as I did improvements. It was terrifying, but the seed was strong and it kept me going – all the way to now, living the life of my dreams with Warren.

Nurturing Your Inspiration

There is no way to know what kinds of things will inspire you or where you will find them:

Books
Movies
People
Quotes
Music
Signs
Photographs

The only thing you can do is nurture them as they grow, remaining open to the opportunities and experiences that come to light as you move through your life.

As my friend Melissa Wadsworth says, “What you notice matters.” It may feel silly to admit what inspires you when the seed is small – quotes or movies or even billboard signs – but examining why something sticks with you is the key to figuring out what you want most in life.

After that, it’s simply a matter of harvesting what you’ve grown.

Are you looking for seeds of inspiration? Be sure to subscribe to our posts via email to get photos, videos, and updates from our journey across Mongolia and Russia. 

Adventures in Mind Reading (or, assuming is for asses)

You know the line about assuming, right? “When you assume you make an a-s-s out of u and m-e.” Today we’re going to show how false assumptions can land you in a small Mongolian outpost at midnight with no travel options for another 17 hours. Or something equally fun.

This week we bought our train tickets to Mongolia. We’ve been on several trains during our time in China, and we’ve got the hard sleeper/soft sleeper, upper and lower berth thing worked out. We know what food to bring, the etiquette of sharing a compartment with 2-4 strangers, and how to use the hot water dispenser without getting third-degree burns. We know how to entertain ourselves on a train and, more importantly, how to sleep on one. We are surprisingly well suited to long train journeys.

A nice discovery given the fact we committed to an 18,000-km overland journey, dontcha think?

We are becoming train travel experts, which is why buying the tickets to Mongolia should have been a non-event, certainly not worthy of a mention here.

But here we are, because Warren and I made a classic communication mistake that might pop up in your relationships, too:

We assumed we knew what the other person was thinking.

Let the mind reading begin

Not surprisingly, the sign for the foreigner window at the Beijing train station is in Chinese. But because we are super smart we just looked for actual foreigners in a sea of Chinese people to find the right line.

We wanted tickets to Erlien, a city near the border but still in China. We planned to stay overnight and take a cab to the border the next day and then book a local train to Mongolia’s capital, Ulan Bator. The savings in taking two internal trains over one international train is enough to justify this interruption in plans for budget travelers like us. Or so we thought.

The clerk told us she could not sell us tickets to Erlien and we woud have to go to the International Hotel across the street. We  tried to figure out why we had to leave the train station to go to a hotel down the street to buy a train ticket, but sometimes things in China defy explanation.

We arrived at the swanky International Hotel and asked the concierge where to buy a train ticket. Surprisingly, he knew exactly what we wanted and pointed us around the corner in the lobby to a CITS (China International Train Service) office, which is where international train tickets are booked. Duh. We could have found a CITS office in our own neighborhood.

We told the clerk what we wanted, and she said we would have to get those tickets at the Beijing train station; she only dealt in international travel. We told her we had just been there standing in line and had been directed there, but she just shrugged.

The problem with mental communication skills

After a bit of jaw clenching, we began looking for alternatives. We spent 10 minutes discussing the options with the clerk, and none of them were as good as the one Warren had so carefully plotted out from his research. She finally told us she could get us just over the Mongolian border to Dzamyn-Ude, where we could then buy a ticket on a local train to Ulan Bator. The problem? The train arrived at midnight with no options to get to Ulan Bator until 5 p.m. the next day.

Things were starting to get more expensive, and we were well past the time we allotted for this little errand. Add this to our already complicated feelings about China, and you can see where this was heading.

I was worried Warren was getting frustrated at the runaround and why things were not adding up to what he found online through reliable online resources.

He was worried I was getting frustrated at the time investment to buy the tickets at a discount versus the actual money we would save.

We were both wrong.

When Warren said he wanted to buy the tickets to Dzamyn-Ude I quickly agreed, for the exact same incorrect reasons he suggested buying them in the first place.

We were trying to make life easier for each other and screwed ourselves over in the process.

As we were walking out the door, Warren said he was really frustrated we had to spend more money, but he knew I was getting agitated and wouldn’t want to keep going back and forth to save a few bucks.

I stopped in my tracks and said, “I only agreed to it because I thought you were getting frustrated over the time we were spending dealing with unhelpful people.”

U + Me = Ass

Effective verbal communication skills

We all like to think we know our mates inside and out, but we don’t. Little things like this serve as a great reminder that it is okay to take a step back and check in with each other instead of being the martyr or the parent and “resolving” the situation in the way you think is best for everyone.

In our case, there were no other customers in the CITS office and the train station was just 2 blocks away. We had no other appointments and could have taken some time to regroup and figure out the best plan instead of just taking the first feasible solution. Hell, we could have waited another day to buy the tickets if wanted to.

So this little mind reading exercise has bought us a train ticket to nowhere, or what will surely seem like nowhere when we arrive in the middle of the night with no firm plan for moving forward. Our research since then has not painted a pretty picture, what with Mongolian train ticket lines being compared to rugby scrums and complaints about oversold trains and sharing beds with little old ladies.

But that’s what all this “just-in-time” decision making is all about, right? People get to Ulan Bator all the time on this line, which means we’ll figure it out, too.

Some of our best stories come from these fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants experiences, and what we saved in our budget will surely expand exponentially in our richness-of-experience bucket.Right? RIGHT?

So we’ve relearned this lesson about false assumptions and will be applying it as we move forward on the rest of our Eurasian Adventure 2012. We have a lot more train travel in our future as we visit Mongolia, head across Russia, and explore Europe this summer and fall, and we’ll work on being more deliberate in our decision-making and asking questions out loud instead of assuming.

Learning to connect with your partner  and verify their opinions and feelings is much more effective than guessing at them, even if you might be right 80% of the time.

It’s that 20% that will land you in a remote Mongolian outpost in the middle of the night. Figuratively speaking, we hope.

Are you following along on our 18,000-km journey from Thailand to Portugal? Click here to subscribe via email and get each article as soon as it is published right in your inbox. Still to come: Mongolia, Russia, and Europe!

Flying Your Freak Flag to Find New Friends

You know that delicious feeling you get when you’re surrounded by people who just “get” you? You have a type of shorthand with each other, a common language of words, phrases, and gestures other people don’t understand. When you are with this tribe of fellow geeks/artists/inventors/crafters/athletes/entrepreneurs, you don’t have to explain yourself, your goals, or your habits. You can let your freak flag fly.

If this is an everyday experience for you, read no further. You’ve got this one, Babe, and you can get back to being awesome. But if you are like most people and struggle finding the right tribe to fan the flames of your particular brand of geekiness, keep reading.

How to Make New Friends

China has a lot of internal tourism. In every city we’ve visited, bus loads of Chinese tourists swarm the sites, usually in matching, brightly colored baseball hats following closely behind a guide carrying a flag or umbrella. It doesn’t take much effort for someone to look around and find the rest of the group if they get lost, and they can always ask another yellow-hat person if they need clarification on what’s for lunch or what the guide just said about Ghengis Khan.

It’s a temporary situation, of course, but these yellow-hat people are members of a tribe. They have a shared purpose, and they can easily identify each other as they move through the cities on their tour. They take pictures of each other to post on the Chinese version of Facebook (Renren, in case you’re interested) and form mini cliques to go on the optional excursions over the days and weeks of their acquaintance.

Best of all, they don’t make fun of each other for wearing those ridiculous hats because they know they serve a purpose.

Start Online

The Internet was made for weirdos. And by ‘weirdos’ I mean you, me, and every other human alive today.

We all have our thing, the square peg of our personalities that doesn’t quite fit in round hole of society. Even outwardly conformist people have streaks of rebellion because no human is robot. We are all deliciously complex and flawed, including your dentist, your second-grade teacher (especially your second-grade teacher), and the friendly greeter at your local Wal-Mart.

Our differences are what make us interesting, and with the right nurturing and support those quirks can blossom into greatness.

The Internet is the water cooler for weirdos. It is where we congregate to find each other when we are still too shy to announce our idiosyncrasies and interests to the world. No matter what your interest, there is someone online who is already doing it, talking about it, and recruiting others to join her. (She probably even has a Pinterest board about it!)

Reaching out to the ghost hunters, tornado chasers, scrapbookers, spelunkers, inventors, geocachers, robot builders, letterpress printers, entrepreneurs, cougars, and other people who share your passion, affliction, or interest will remind you that you are not alone, you are not a freak, and there is a place that welcomes your knowledge, passion and insight.

It is not the job of the everyday people in your life to conform to your special interests. (Imagine if you had to conform to all of theirs!) Instead, it is your job to seek out the people who have the same interests you do so you can pursue them together. You will go further, gain more insight, and produce better work with the input and support of people who get you.

Meet in Person

After you’ve become sympatico with your virtual friends, it’s time to take it to the streets. Sure, it’s nice to know you can always log in and connect with your tribe, but nothing beats a live interaction and real-time support and encouragement. When you start bridging the gap between the life you lead and the life you want to lead, you no longer have to feel like a fish out of water when you are away from your computer.

With very little effort on your part, you will be able to find where your people congregate, whether it is a Meetup in your city or just a short trip away. You may even find a conference or convention where you can rub elbows with other Klingons, bootstrap entrepreneurs, comic book aficionados, career breakers, or big thinkers.

These connections and conversations with other people who are pursuing their interests and passions will show you how to more fully do it in your own life.

Recruit Others

Once you meet other people who are seamlessly living the life you desire, pursuing hobbies and interests you’ve previously kept on the down low, you’ll find it hard to resist doing it yourself. After all, these people still have families and friends and seemingly happy lives, so why can’t you?

You begin dropping hints at work, in social settings and even with your pseudo-friends on Facebook and Twitter.

“I’ve been building a boat in my garage for the last 2 years.”
“I just landed my first part in a community theater production of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.”
“Did I tell you I put up a dating profile on Match.com?”
“I’ve decided to take my severance pay and move to Brazil to teach English.”
“I started recording my music in Garage Band.”

These comments are your official raising of the freak flag, and instead of cowering in the corner waiting for a rebuke, you’ll be like the Chinese tour guide gathering her flock of yellow hats, totally immersed in the subject at hand and oblivious to the stares of the people who aren’t in on the tour.

The yellow hats are a beacon, a bond, and a symbol of a shared interest. A single person wearing a giant yellow hat would feel strange, but in a group it somehow feels safe and inclusive.

The beauty of hanging out with your tribe is that you can take all the energy you used to spend on fitting in and apply it on standing out in a crowd that appreciates your efforts.

Once you become comfortable letting your freak flag fly, chasing your big dream is second nature. Find out how to do both in our book, Dream Save Do: A Step-by-Step Guide to Amass the Cash to Live Your Dream. It’s how we did it and it works!

When Things Don’t Work Out As Planned

This is an update in our Eurasian Adventure 2012, the 18,000-km overland trip from Thailand to Portugal and a grand experiment in reducing worry with “just-in-time” decision making. Read the first entry here.

What happens when something you’ve been looking forward to for a long time – your whole life, even – finally arrives and doesn’t live up to your expectations? You feel disappointed when things don’t work out as planned, possibly guilty for not appreciating it, or even anger for the time and effort you think you wasted getting to a lackluster result.

Letting this disappointment, guilt, and anger fester can impact your relationships, self-esteem, and career for months and years to come. You can’t always change the situation, but you have complete control over your reaction to the situation.

Today we’re going to address how to move through those feelings of disappointment and get your mojo back, and we’re going to start by telling you about our much-anticipated trip to China.

Expectations are formed in unlikely places

As a kid, I always thought I could dig a hole to China if I kept at it long enough. I pushed my brothers to help me on the vacant lot next to our house. We usually only dug for an hour or so before they got bored and started building tunnels and hills for their army men or trucks, but until then we were all about getting to China before mom called us in for  dinner.

What would we discover when we popped out on the other side? I always imagined people in matching Mao suits bicycling all over the rural countryside and lots of tea drinking and calligraphy. The people would be wise, spouting Confucian proverbs to each other as they worked together to grow their food and build their country.

When they weren’t slowly stroking their long skinny beards or kicking ass with a little kung fu, that is. 

(I watched a lot of Bruce Lee and David Carradine as a kid.)

My impressions of China have changed as I’ve grown, and I do realize now that you can’t dig a hole to China because of Earth’s pesky molten core (even if you are smart enough to start in Argentina), but I still held on to some unrealistic expectations:

Chinese people are wiser and healthier than other people
China will be dripping with history and lore
Chinese people work together and cooperate better than other people

Expectations, let me introduce you to Realities.

When reality intrudes on dreams

Our trip started out well, meeting our new Chinese friend Wall on the bus from Laos. Having someone to translate both literally and culturally was a big perk, and we had a gentler entry into China the first week because of it. The southern part of China is also more laid back, with breathtaking scenery, and not too vastly different from our time in the beautiful mountains of Thailand.

Some things were already not adding up, though. This healthy environment of people practicing tai chi in the mornings did exist, but so did smoking, spitting, and even shitting in the most public of places. While you’d think the shitting was the thing that would be the most disturbing, it’s actually not. You cannot imagine the symphony of bodily sounds necessary to expel a giant lugee or the frequency with which you will be serenaded by this music in China.

The level of smoking reminds me of my early childhood in the 1970s, before nonsmoking restaurants and public places were the norm. People in China smoke in restaurants, while they are cooking or serving you in restaurants, in stores, in public bathrooms, in elevators, on buses and taxis and trains, in the street, and right next to no smoking signs. The only place we haven’t seen them smoke is the subway, and that’s probably because there isn’t enough room.

Then there was the staring and picture-taking. We are not the only Western tourists in China, but non-Asian tourists are still a very small percentage of overall tourism, especially in places outside Beijing. In the south we were stared at with open mouths and even furtively touched at times to make sure we were real. At first it was funny, but after a while it became unnerving to be gawked at in the subway, at the grocery store, on the bus, while eating, and every other daily activity you can imagine. We began to feel like freaks of nature, and a quick look around confirmed we were.

Interpersonal engagement in China is vastly different than what we’ve experienced in other countries. Conversations are all loud (we joke that Mandarin has four tones but only one volume), but smiles are less common, laughter is less frequent, and there is less courtesy toward even each other than we’ve ever seen in other countries. We expected the communist history to create more of a teamwork mentality, but we’ve seen just the opposite.

To illustrate: We’ve witnessed more slow-motion accidents on bicycles, motorbikes, paddle boats and even shopping carts than anywhere else in the world – people just simply won’t move out of the way and would rather bump into each other than be the one to move aside. People cut in line and shove through even when doing so gives them absolutely no advantage over everyone else. We’ve wondered and debated whether this attitude is a result of a generation of the one-child policy or just a cultural difference that has always been there.

The straw that broke the camel’s back for us was what we like to call the “new old.” Everything in China is being modernized and expanded, and you can’t even imagine the scale of the mega cities and public works projects like the Three Gorges Dam. Growth is explosive here, and the burgeoning middle class is demanding a more Western style of living. Malls, subways, highways, bullet trains – everything you have back in your country times ten is what is going on here. You can’t blame people for wanting more luxury and convenience or for spending their growing disposable income on travel and material goods, and we don’t. What we found surprising about this move toward capitalism, however, was the condition of historical and natural assets.

We imagined being enveloped in thousands of years of history and having all those books and movies we’ve consumed become poor substitutions for the real thing. It has happened in other countries, so we had no reason to expect it wouldn’t happen here. But it didn’t.

Mountains have kilometers of paved paths and stairs up, down, and around them. You pay entrance fees to simply walk onto any mountain, and most have gondolas or chair lifts up to the top for an additional fee. You could conceivably head out for a day of hiking and never touch dirt to your shoes. These places are now set up to accommodate tour groups of all sizes to enjoy in their everyday shoes and clothes. It is rare to find a quiet place to enjoy nature.

Ancient temples have been rebuilt to look “new old,” and quaint villages and towns have been almost completely razed and rebuilt to a conforming “new old” look filled with shops selling touristy souvenirs. The warren of alleys that make up the hutong neighborhoods in large cities like Beijing are being torn down and rebuilt to look old with bars and restaurants to attract more tourists while residents are being shuffled into high-rise apartments. While not everyone is against this, there is no argument it changes the way of life of these people completely, going from a small community courtyard style of co-living to individual apartments.

What we’ve seen is not restoration but instead completely rethinking and recreating history, which ends up looking and feeling more like Disney World than anything resembling historical accuracy.

We came to China looking for ancient history, and we were smacked in the face with modern history.

Even though we had some really amazing individual experiences, these overall trends were so different from our expectations that we began focusing more on what we didn’t like than what we did, complaining to each other and fighting like children. Unlike any other time in our trip we couldn’t wait to get the hell out of the country.

We felt guilty as hell for not appreciating such a fascinating place.

Recalibrating Expectations

A forced stay in an unappealing situation has a way of making or breaking someone. In our case, we had turned our passports over to the Russian embassy in Beijing for two weeks in order to get visas and we wanted to be in Mongolia for the Nadaam festival in early July. That meant staying in Beijing for a month to make sure everything timed out properly.

A MONTH. It was make or break time.

We knew choosing to focus only on our initial expectations and how we’ve been disappointed would be a long wait, so we took a cue from Dream Save Do and did the same thing we did at the very start of our lifestyle design process:

If you can’t get (or don’t know) what you want, start focusing on how to get rid of what you don’t want.

Renting an apartment in a residential neighborhood to escape the hectic pace of the center of Beijing: We now have a more local experience of China to come home to after sightseeing.
Spending more time in parks and natural settings, the places hordes of tourists normally don’t go.
Taking advantage of the extra few weeks here to focus on a writing project: Having a desk and a couch makes a huge difference to two people who normally work in a small hostel bedroom.
Appreciating China from a modern context instead of the historical one we expected. News reports take on a whole new level of understanding now.
Reaching out more to other travelers to socialize and sightsee, which is something we usually make less of a priority than interacting with local people. We’ve started some really great friendships as a result.

We cannot change the environment to fit our expectations, but we can change ourselves. Since giving ourselves this little recalibration we’ve gained a new appreciation for China, a little more insight into our own faulty perceptions and expectations, and the realization that

it’s okay not to like something you (or other people) think you should.

How to adjust when things don’t work out as planned

When your expectations are totally out of whack with reality, you have two choices:

Bitch and moan about it and let it affect your happiness until it ends or everyone around you runs away to escape your bad mood
Focus on how you can adapt your expectations to the current reality and make the best of it as you move your way through it

Photo by Margaret Shaw

If you are the type to consciously pick #1, I don’t think you would have read this far. But perhaps due to inattention or overwhelm, you chose the first one without thinking. Hey, we’ve all done it.

Knowing you are falling prey to your disappointment is the first step in a recalibration process. Here are the rest:


Give yourself a little ‘wallow in the mud‘ time if you need it. Take a full 24 hours if you need it, but nothing more.
If you can’t get what you want, how can you alleviate some of the pain points?
List the things you like about the experience, expected or not, and how you can play those up.
Can you use your time or this experience in another way to help you down the road?
Is there a quick exit strategy and can you use it?

Sometimes there is nothing to be done. You’re disappointed, the moment passes, and you move on. But being stuck in a disappointing situation at work, in a relationship, or in a personal endeavor even for just a few weeks can significantly alter your mood, and it is situations like that where a recalibration can save your sanity and relationships.

The Positive Spin

We don’t want you to think China is all bad or that you shouldn’t come here. We have had many great experiences and met some truly warm and wonderful people. And we’re still looking forward to our last couple of weeks here, where we will visit the Great Wall, Olympic Stadium, and even check out the art scene.

If we had it to do all over again, we would take intensive Mandarin lessons that included cultural exchanges for our first month in the country. We would have also focused more of our research efforts on the history of the last 50 years instead of the last 5000, paying attention to the important story of China’s place in the modern world and how it is evolving. History is being made right in front of us.

Then we would have taken off on China’s fantastic rail system to see this vast and complex country, enjoying the mega cities, the rural rice paddies, the towering mountains, the adorable pandas, and the vast desert.

In fact, now that I think about it, maybe we will come back – a little more prepared, and a lot more realistic.

Like anything, knowing what you are in for, both the good and bad, will help you set up reasonable expectations and avoid crushing disappointment, though even that isn’t the end of the world. Do your research, plan as best you can, and expect the best. But if it doesn’t work out that way, you’ll still be okay.

It isn’t what happens to you, but how you handle what happens to you, that determines your overall happiness.

Are you interested in reading more of our travel-related life lessons? Sign up for the weekly newsletter to get the inside scoop on subjects like how mountain goats tried to kill me, relationship lessons we’ve learned by studying new languages, and how to artificially inseminate a panda. You can also get daily pics from our travels by liking us on Facebook.

A Week of Excuses (Day 7 – last day): I’m Scared

Stay tuned to the end of this article for a free give-away good TODAY, May 29th only. Don’t miss out.

This article is part 7 and the last in our A Week of Excuses series. Why do we put off those things we want most in life? Why do we let excuses stand in the way of pursuing our dreams? In this week-long series we dive into these questions, deliver actionable steps for common obstacles, and provide resources to help you take the first step to making your dreams a reality.

Sometimes, what we want to achieve also scares the shit out of us. We are stuck in a dilema between something we’ve always wanted to do and the voice screaming in our heads telling us we are completely insane for wanting to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

As we create dreams, we often pick some big audacious goals which we’d love to do but are simply too terrified to consider them at the time. Our belief is that we will be more brave, more ready, and overall less scared at some distant point in the future. We continue to tell people it’s our dream, but we put it off as the fear fails to subside.

Overcoming this fear and going after your dream takes action. You are not going to wake up one day and magically no longer be scared of jumping from a plane. Your fear of feeding sharks by hand is not going to slip away in the night after a fun night out with friends. Instead, it is going to require you to take action in spite of the fear. The good news is this action need not be either scary or very difficult. It is simply a first step in the process.

Tips for Managing Fear

Research the details. Learn about each component of your dream to see how it works. Read about companies that may cater to the specific area (skydiving companies, race car tracks). Learn as much as you can about the process so you can demystify much of what you think you know. Read about all the safety regulations and precautions that are provided. The more you know, especially the details, the less scary the dream is. Familiarity breeds comfort.
Find a buddy. As we discussed a couple days ago, finding someone to achieve your dream with can greatly increase your own resolve to make it happen. Especially if they are a first-timer as well. Find people that share your passion and let them know you’d like to reach the goal together. Talk about your fears and let it out in the open. By discussing the fears with others you can gain the encouragement to make it happen. Their excitement will feed yours, and you will each be stronger in the face of fear knowing you have a partner.
Talk to people that have done it before. This was a great resource for Betsy and I when we decided to take off on this adventure. We chatted with others who had left their careers to travel the world. The feedback and discussions were invaluable to addressing our questions, concerns, and many of the fears we had leading up to departure. Most important is to find people with a similar situation as you and someone you can relate with. Finding someone that has 30 tattoos and is addicted to the process may be difficult to relate to if this is your first time. You may not know anyone in your regular life who has done what you want to do, so take advantage of the Internet. I promise you’ll find someone out there who has done or wants to do what you want to do.

These steps individually will not enable you to conquer your fears, but they will help you to make progress towards your goal, which is the key. Gaining as much knowledge and support as possible will give you the tools you need to say yes to your dream despite the fear you will have. The feeling of your new ink or standing on the ground looking back up at the plane that dropped you off will be that much more satisfying because of what you had to overcome to make it a reality.
10 Dreams with Links to Help you Move Beyond Fear

Go skydiving – I am terrified of heights, but decided that I needed to overcome this to fulfill this dream.
Get married – take this test to see if your fear is of commitment in general
Drive a race car – two excellent resources and safe options where you can do your research and then book when ready. In the United States and in the United Kingdom.
Feed the sharks – why not start with whale sharks? They are still technically sharks but without that pesky love of flesh.
Write your memoir – a beautiful and inspiring story of one woman’s motivation to finally write her memoir
Having a baby – many prospective mothers have fears about having children and here is an entertaining tale of one woman’s path to motherhood
Deliver a TED talk – public speaking is the #1 fear for most people, but check out this interview we did with Josh Hanagarne to see how he found success over his Tourette’s Syndrome to speak in public
Learn to scuba dive – this brief article debunks the 4 most common myths (and fears) of diving to get you in the water
Get a tattoo – permanent and pain, these are the 2 words that strike fear in us. In this post and video Betsy talks you through getting her first and doing it all without crying (for which she is very proud).
Volunteer with wild animals – whether it’s pumas, elephants, or monkeys the opportunity exists to volunteer. My thought is to start with monkeys at Monkeyland and work my way up to the pumas.

Whooohoooo, today is not just the end of this series, but also my 41st birthday. I am thrilled we could spend the last week together exploring our dreams and what is keeping us from them. To help celebrate, I’d like to give you something to say thank you for all you’ve done for me this last year.

For the entire day (midnight to midnight Pacific Daylight Time) today, May 29th, we’re giving away our popular book, Dream Save Do. This is the exact same plan we used to successfully plan and finance our dream of world travel, and we get emails every week from people using the steps to map out their own big dreams. We hope you find it gets you a step closer to making your dream a reality.

Click here to get it now. Please share the link with your friends and family so they can get closer to their dreams, too.

No more excuses!

A Week of Excuses (Day 6): I don’t have anyone to do it with

This article is part 6 in our A Week of Excuses series. Why do we put off those things we want most in life? Why do we let excuses stand in the way of pursuing our dreams? In this week long series we dive into these questions, deliver actionable steps for common obstacles, and provide resources to help you take the first step to making your dreams a reality.

Over the last few years we’ve met many people who have a dream but are worried about going after it by themselves. They’d love to start a business, adopt a child, or go on a big adventure but the idea of doing it alone is completely paralyzing. Instead they continue in their current lives hoping to find the right mate and then, and only then, embarking on their dreams.

Step Out On Your Own

None of us ever does anything all by ourselves. You know that, right?

Even if you start your salsa lessons by yourself, you will partner up with various other people along the way making new friends in the process. Starting by yourself simply means you are getting a head start on your dream and new friendships to boot. Solo travelers meet others along the way (in fact, you have to go out of your way not to meet people). Hobbyists join clubs with other enthusiasts. Marathon runners may train solo, but often run races in groups.

While you may begin by yourself, with a smile and a ready hello you will certainly not complete your goal alone.

You can choose to overcome your concern and dive in alone with the expectation other swill join your fun at some point. We’ve met scores of individual travelers during our time on the road who have shared how much they love they did not wait any longer. Each person tells us about how scared they were before leaving, and then the complete release and excitement which replaced it the moment they took off.

These are the same people who now find themselves coordinating day trips with other travelers at the hostel, making dozens of new friends to visit around the world, and having torrid love affairs (we promise to share no names).

Yeah, don’t feel sorry for them.

The fear never completely leaves any of them, but they continue to follow their dream because to them it is simply too important to not embrace the life they want to live.

We met one woman in her 70s who is married but has been traveling alone for over 10 years. She and her husband finally realized he was never going to want to travel even though they had the time to do it, so he gave her his blessing to do it without him. She’s been all over the world with friends, travel groups, and solo, and she returns home to her husband who only wants to experience it second-hand. It works for them.

Dream Partner may not be Life Partner

For some of us we want someone beside us as we embark on our big dream. Whether to share the moments, help to conquer the fear, or simply to take our photos along the way. Regardless of the reason, we simply cannot move forward without someone beside us to encourage and push us forward.

What if someone else is waiting for you to be that push?

Having someone to join you in pursuit of your dream does not mean you must wait until you find your life partner before you can embark of your dream life.

Seek out people that share your interest and connect with someone who is just as passionate and ready to dive into your dream. Attend MeetUp groups, join online forums, reach out to friends and family via Facebook, email, or good old fashioned phone calls. Let people know your goal, what you want to accomplish, and ask them if they want to join you in making it come true.

10 Dreams with Resources for Solo Adventure

Visit all 7 continentscheck out TravBuddy.com where you can search for others looking for a big adventure or post your own
Work on a ranch - read about a solo woman who spent 3 months, over winter, on an estancia in Patagonia
Take the Trans-Siberian Railway –  list your adventure and take advantage of Lonely Planet’s huge forum to find a buddy
Kayak across the English Channel – yes, it can be done and here is a company to escort you the entire way
Adopt a child – good article with advice and guidance to get you engaged in the process of living your dream
Ride a bicycle across the United States - get inspired by this woman riding across the US for her 70th birthday
Take Mui Thai boxing lessons - 
Walk the Camino de Santiago – our friend Sherry Ott just completed the 800km trek and shares her story to inspire you
Sail across an ocean – with this site you can select where you want to go and search for captains who need crew for the voyage.
Learn how to blow glass – a good introduction here along with how to get started

Stay tuned tomorrow for the final installment of the series and a big announcement. In addition, we’ll discuss how to overcome being too scared to follow your dream.

A Week of Excuses (Day 5): I don’t know how to get started

This article is part 5 in our A Week of Excuses series. Why do we put off those things we want most in life? Why do we let excuses stand in the way of pursuing our dreams? In this week long series we dive into these questions, deliver actionable steps for common obstacles, and provide resources to help you take the first step to making your dreams a reality.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” - Chinese philosopher Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu“.

It seems like such a simple statement but it is the first step that truly is the hardest. For Betsy and I, it started with a statement made over drinks with friends that we’d take a year off to travel the world. That one step (ok, it was a giant leap) was by far the hardest part of the process. From there we continued to increase the momentum and have spent the last 2.5 years expanding our dream to the point that it’s taken on a life of it’s own.

Not knowing how to get started on any endeavor is not only common, but generally expected. If you have big dreams, and we know you do, then the idea of how you will achieve them is likely overwhelming. In many cases you may not know anyone else who has ever done something like this and thus lack even a point of reference.

The First Step is Action

Once you commit to making your dream a reality it is critical that you follow it up with action. Action can take a wide variety of forms, but the key is to take a small step now towards your dream, then commit to following it up with another step within a specific timeframe (ideally the next step).

To help get your brain juices flowing, here are a set of first steps you could take this week to take the first step:

Set a date – an excellent first step for any dream
Identify people who have done it in the past
Identify people who will support you in your dream. Friends and family are a great place to start
Explore websites, blogs, and forums to learn from others’ experiences
Google for terms around your dream (i.e. travel the world for a year)
Tell one person about your dream. Share why you are doing it and why it is so important. Then ask for their support in making it come true
Look for groups in your area to connect with like minded souls
Go to the bookstore and peruse the magazines. Pick up a few that touch on your goal.
Create a Pinterest board to start capturing all your research. Spend an hour just exploring your dream and saving them here to share with others.
Create a blog and write your first post. We’ve been surprised how publicly stating your dream can help keep you on track when you falter.

10 Dreams with Resources to Take the First Step

To help get your started here is a list of 10 dreams where people have told us they struggled on were to get started. I’ve provided resource with information designed to help you take a specific action. I hope you take time this week to take the first step towards your dream.

Move to a new country -  16 additional steps to help you keep the momentum up
Start a farm - start first with WWOOFing to get a feel for it and meet others who can help and support you
Buy/run at Bed & Breakfast or Guesthouse - great resource to learn more along with set of steps to go deeper
Start a website  - buy a domain and Baby Plan hosting account (use discount code “movetohostgator” to save 25% on your hosting order)
Teach English in another country – good introduction to the requirements. As a bonus, here is a comprehensive resource for step #2, locating your idea overseas teaching job.
Become a freelance writer - step #1 is apparently to tell people you are a professional writer. Alternatively, for the cynics out there, here’s something to make you smile
Get an article published in The New Yorker – here is their online submission form. In addition, this article provides excellent tips and advice to make your submission stand out.
Learn how to brew beer – after following the easy getting started steps here, my only request is you save 2 bottles for us to try it when it is done.
Participate in an archaeological dig - nice list of different dig sites around the world. Start your research here, and get ready to dig up some history.
Make loans to entrepreneurs in developing countries – microfinance (small loans to entrepreneurs) has sprung up in the last 10 years. We love Kiva and recommend them as a great place to get started.

Tomorrow we’ll be discussing companionship and the excuse we’ve heard often “I don’t have anyone to do it with”.

A Week of Excuses (Day 4): I’m Scared of Failing

This article is part 4 of 7 in our A Week of Excuses series. Why do we put off those things we want most in life? Why do we let excuses stand in the way of pursuing our dreams? In this week long series we dive into these questions, deliver actionable steps for common obstacles, and provide resources to help you take the first step to making your dreams a reality.

Failure is a part of life and will happen to all of us. We’ve all tried something and failed, whether it’s a relationship (my marriage #1 rings a bell here), a business (been there, too) or simply trying to finish War and Peace. If you are going to try something, failure is a possibility.

There is no easy way to simply get over it, but when going for our dreams we must take action in spite of the fear.

Shift your energy from protecting yourself from failure to squeezing the life out of life. – Danielle LaPorte

This excellent video (just 2 minutes long) with Edward Norton provides an enlightening perspective on fear and how has learned to cope. He states that the most important thing is to realize when you feel fear so you can recognize it and move despite the concern.

Inaction is the Failure

Instead of focusing on the fact you may not achieve your ideal end result, focus on how you will feel if you never even try to make it a reality. Taking no action at all towards your dream means you will never fail, but also guarantees you will never see your dream come true. It also guarantees your life will be far smaller than it has to be.

It also helps to understand how your fear operates. You are comparing your current situation to the final achievement, and if your goal is big you can only fear the giant gap between the two. It is scary to think of all the work and potential for failure in between.

But when you focus on the very next step, the gap is much smaller – microscopic, even. Your fear is much more manageable in small doses, especially when you have success upon success to counter it.

Inaction is the failure, but small, regular action will win the race.

10 Dreams and Resources to Help Move Beyond Fear

Change jobs – overcoming the fear of change is hard, but this resource will give you helpful ideas to make it happen.
Attend a spiritual silent retreat – an honest and amusing view insight a 10 day silent retreat.
Run a marathon – thinking about the end result is almost overwhelming, but starting small is key. Get off the couch, and put one foot in front of the other with Couch to 5k.
Become an actor – excellent interview with Edward Norton talking about how he deals with the constant fear.
Start a business – start small by creating a side business and grow it over time.
Sing in public – start with karaoke and here are 11 steps to get you up on stage and impressing the bar with your sweet voice.
Learn to salsa dance – this story will inspire you to get started learning now.
Become a professional photographer – this covers a broad set of fears so well that now I’m thinking that I may be need to confront my own fears and put my photos where my words are.
Have your paintings exhibited in a gallery – excellent article for any artist who fears failure. Nice insights tailored just for you.
Be a professional poker player – advice from a professional player on how he deals with this ever-present fear.

Neutralize your fear of failure by rediscovering your reserves of self-confidence. Our latest book, Strip Off Your Fear: Slip Into Something More Confident, will give you the tools to do it.

Tune in tomorrow when we’ll be discussing how to start creating momentum with your dream and addressing the excuse “I don’t know how to get started”.