Betsy Talbot's Blog, page 30

Life is Full of Second Chances

We are pleased to share the following article from guest contributor and reader Matt Koenig from 1 Year Sabbatical. Matt reached out to us in February to talk about his story and struggles with living the good life. His story was inspiring and we wanted to have him share how he and his wife have handled the ups and downs of living your dreams.

When Betsy and Warren asked if I would write a piece for the site I was very apprehensive.  I didn’t feel qualified to speak to anyone about following your dreams and living the good life.  In fact I felt like a complete and total failure.  How could someone like me who failed at things more often than not write anything inspiring?  Despite reservations I wrote with the hope that in some small way my struggles will show that failure is not the end of the world.  In fact it is just the beginning.

I’ve dealt with the seemingly polar opposites of dreams and fear.  But rather than opposing forces I think they are complimentary opposites.  I’ve always seen fear as a negative force that paralyzed me into complacency.  But fear can also be the opposite, a highly motivating force that sparks one into action.

When faced with a choice between life and death most of us will choose life even if that means making difficult decisions.  Aron Ralston the mountain climber who while hiking in an isolated canyon in Utah became trapped by an 800 pound boulder grappled with the choice between certain death and cutting off his own arm in order to survive.  He chose life.

Now our decisions may not seem as dramatic but aren’t they?  We are all going to die.  The older I get the more this thought haunts me.  We get one shot at this life.  Am I doing the things I dream about or is the fear of uncertainty pulling the strings?

A year ago my wife and I dreamed of taking a yearlong sabbatical to Indonesia.  I blogged and talked a lot on a variety of hip buzz word topics.  But all I was doing was talking.  I had no real plan and I wasn’t taking actionable steps toward realizing that dream.  Maybe I was more in love with the dream than in actually doing it. Talk is cheap but action is the currency of life.

We failed miserably.  I felt like I had not only let myself down but everyone who supported our dream.  I hated myself and my life.  I stopped blogging, sank into depression, argued and fought with my family and mentally surrendered to the thought that this was how my life was supposed to be.  I felt trapped, unable to escape a situation that didn’t appeal to me.  I had no clear picture of what it was I really wanted.

Fear is an insidious force that manifests itself in ways we often don’t even realize.  It pretends like it’s a good friend just trying to protect us.  It’s that smooth talking rational voice inside our heads offering up any excuse at all for remaining complacent.  It wants us to ignore our gut feelings and extinguish our desires.  This is my struggle.

When fear fuels failure what do you do?  How do you deal with embarrassment?  How do you react?  I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past year and life taught me a few lessons.  Here is what I am doing now to deal with failure and strive to live the good life.

I don’t feel embarrassed

.  We failed.  People may have even written us off, even said negative things.  I’m over the embarrassment.  Embarrassment only leads us down the path of self-pity and that walk steers us away from our dreams and goals.  Who cares if we failed?  We now know what not to do next time.  I try to remember that this is MY life.

Evaluate our failure

.  Why did we fail?  What do we need to do or change to make sure we don’t do the same thing again?  Mistakes and failure are how we learn.  We are taking a long hard look at where we went wrong.

Re-evaluate our dreams and goals

.  After the disappointment we took a step back and re-evaluated our goals.  Were they realistic based on the parameters we set?  I firmly believe that anything is possible but one must also be realistic about the timeframe.  We had set a financial goal for our sabbatical that turned out to be unrealistic based on constraints we placed on ourselves.  We also didn’t have a realistic plan to reach those goals.  It’s easy now to look back and see the problems.  Failure is simply life showing you a different path to reach your goals.

Set new time frames with very specific actionable steps

.  We messed up.  We failed.  We took a step back (or forward) and re-evaluated our situation.  Now we are working to set a new time frame and make very specific actionable steps to reach our goals.  Our biggest problem was that we were so caught up with envisioning ourselves living the dream that we failed to take the required action to actually get there.  Anything worth doing requires work and sacrifice.  We are now working on a well-defined list of steps we need to take and assigning a realistic time-frame to each.  I’ll say it again; action is the currency of life.

Never ever, ever, ever give up

.  Regroup!  We will never give up on what we want.  We might fall on our face again.  We might make a fool of ourselves.  We might have many uncomfortable moments and conversations.  But our dreams continue to haunt us and make us miserable until we do something about them.  Never give up!  We fail?  Regroup!  We fail again?  Regroup!  But we never give up.  Our life depends on it.

I hope our experience offers you encouragement that failure is not the end of the world. In fact it is just another step in the right direction.

Matt Koenig is a husband, a father to two wonderful boys and a photographer.  He is on a journey to live in positive and inspirational ways, complain less and experience all this world has to offer.   You can connect with him at http://www.mattkoenigphotography.com.

Looking for insights and information to identify your dream and make it a reality? Check out our book, Dream Save Do. We wrote this guide to help anyone who is struggling to identify their dream and how to amass the cash to make it a reality.

Singing the stories of the people you meet

"If you read 10,000 books it is good. If you walk 10,000 kilometers it is better. If you meet 10,000 people and sing about them it is best." ~ Ancient Chinese saying

I used to think I knew a lot because I read a lot. Many bookish people are this way, trotting out obscure facts at dinner parties and kicking ass at Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit. We find comfort in knowledge, and with the Internet and books we can have it almost instantly and with very little effort.

We are so good at learning in a theoretical sense that we sometimes forget to actually take it for a spin, get our hands dirty, and put it into practice.

The ego-centric me of 2010 thought I would add to my vast stores of knowledge from reading on our travels around the world, but something else entirely has happened:

I discovered early on I really didn't know shit.

At least when it came to putting it into practice, that is.

What good is it to learn something but not discuss it, test it, and make it better?
How helpful is it to read history without tying it to current events to see how the flow of time impacts our world?
Why work to make myself a better person without bothering to get to know people who think differently than me?

As much as this idea would have frightened me 10 years ago, it invigorates and excites me now. Every single person can reveal something new, and every single destination adds to my knowledge of the world and myself. Every bit of knowledge can be tested, discussed, and broadened by releasing it into the world through action and conversation.

Knowledge is dynamic, not static; progressive, not stationary.

In the week since we left our temporary home in Thailand to travel to China this lesson has been at the forefront of my mind, and there are three distinct reasons why.

Red-Headed Stranger

As we were eating a spicy papaya salad and enjoying a cold beer on a warm night in Luang Namtha, Laos, an older woman with flaming red hair and silver bangles on both arms stopped by our table and asked to join us. Her name was Julie and she was from London.

As the conversation progressed, we learned a lot about Julie and her long life of travel and adventure. Our jaws dropped when she finally revealed she was 79 years old, especially after hearing the story of her month-long bicycle journey around Laos with a friend 4 years before. She was traveling alone now after the death of her husband, and still with a long list of places to see.

I was reminded of my grandmother who died in her early 70s, lonely and in very poor health, who used her sharp tongue and isolated lifestyle to keep people at a distance all her life. And here was this vibrant, interesting woman with friends all over the world who still read voraciously. Not only that, she had to say goodnight at 10 pm because she wanted to get up early to do some yoga before catching her 10-hour bus to Luang Prabang the next morning.

I can read books every day about the importance of living well every single day and agree with the sentiment, but taking it to heart, actively using it in my life, and seeing the difference in people who do and do not heed this advice make the lesson come to life.

I sing the story of Julie because it is the story I hope for us and for all of you:

A life of never-ending curiosity
Supportive family and friends
Strength to move forward after significant loss

The Handwriting on the Wall

We met Wall as we were checking out of the guesthouse in northern Laos. Wall was near the end of several months of backpacking around Southeast Asia during his one-year sabbatical from his work in the finance industry in Shanghai. We hopped in the back of the truck with him for our ride to the bus that would take us to China.

Wall told us about China during our day-long trip to get there, and he easily bonded with the other travelers of various ages from different countries on the bus. One man, a 60-year-old Thai, related his time in Beijing 20 years before and the songs he learned. It took almost no prompting for Wall to join and sing along with him.

As we got to know Wall, we were impressed by his ability to interact with just about everyone, his deep respect for others, and his continuing quest for knowledge and self-improvement. He is a student of people and willing to talk to anyone to find out their story and add to his knowledge of the world.

He is quite accomplished for a 24-year-old man. Actually he's accomplished for someone of any age, having traveled all over China and the outside world, climbing to base camp on Mt. Everest, and even walking 700 km between provinces in a quest on both self-reliance and reaching out to strangers. This is in addition to his "conventional" accomplishments of getting a degree and landing a great job.

He was born into an ambitious, financially stable family in a bustling city instead of a rural farm, and he appreciates this fact. He also knows he can do even better, and he doesn't rest on his laurels as he could so easily do.

I thought of the early-20s people I know from around the world and imagined all of them pursuing a life of knowledge and self-improvement like Wall and what our world would be like if they did. And then I realized it is never too late to start.

I sing the song of Wall because it is what I wish for every young person in the world:

An appreciation for the benefits given through the circumstances of your birth
A desire to move beyond the constraints of your station in life
A preference for learning and experience over wealth and material things

Fat Mother

We got off the bus in Jinghong, China, a bustling small city of about half a million people (small by China standards, that is) in the Yunnan Province. There are not a lot of Western travelers here, and everywhere we went there were stares.

After a morning of sightseeing we decided to stop for dumplings and found a shop near our hostel. Our friend Wall ordered for us and began chatting with the owner. He discovered she had just opened a few days before and was very excited to have Westerners in her shop. She took it as an omen of good fortune for her first business, and when we told her how much we loved dumplings she invited us back for a special dinner that night with her son.

We arrived to find a special table set outside the restaurant for us. She brought out specialties from her home province in the Northeast of China, thousands of kilometers away. Not only were we eating local, we had gone off menu!

We brought a bottle of rice wine as a gift, and we were gently told it was rubbish. They brought out the "good stuff" made by a local farmer (Chinese moonshine), and it was remarkably better than what we brought. We learned how to toast the Northeast Chinese way (one by one and looking at each other, similar to the French), and we drank to the shop owner's good fortune in business and the happy chance of getting to know each other.

Her son is learning to be a chef at school, and we talked about food and cultural similarities and differences between our two countries and even between their home province and Yunnan. After a couple of hours of eating and drinking, Wall shared with us the name of the restaurant: Northeast Fat Mother Dumpling Shop. We nicknamed her our Little Dumpling, which made her laugh hysterically. Imagine, calling a grown woman a dumpling!

She wanted to know more about us, how to attract travelers to her shop, and even how to talk to any Westerners she might see in the street. Her curiosity and enthusiasm kept us at her table well into the night, through a thunderstorm, and to the bottom of the bottle of rice wine.

She told us of her hopes for her son to enjoy his new career, to find a wife, and to experience more of life. She told us of her desire for a bustling business and to meet more international travelers.

She said that night was one of her happiest in recent memory, and we would have to agree.

I sing the song of Fat Mother because it is what I hope for my mother and all mothers in the world:

Children who love and respect you
A talent to share with the world separate from your role as a mother
Courage to start new ventures in middle age and beyond

Singing the Stories You Know

Maybe you are stuck in the same way of learning as I used to be, counting on books and internal processing to gain knowledge. Perhaps you have taken the next step of voicing and testing your knowledge out in the world, taking it for a spin and refining it based on your personal observations.

But if you haven't yet learned to actively extract stories, lessons, and clarifications on your own life from the people you meet – possibly even the ones you don't like! – you are missing a key component of life learning. Everyone has something to teach you, whether it is specific knowledge, the pros and cons of an attitude or lifestyle, or even how to communicate in different or better ways. When you share what these people have taught you, you advance our whole society.

Wall told us he thinks about what he has learned every single day before he goes to bed, and the lessons from other people figure highly in his list. We have now adopted this strategy as a way to cement our learning and remind us to share those stories with other people.

Street smarts come from living out loud every day, walking and talking to the people along the way.

Read as many books as you like, but don't forget where those stories originate: out in the real world.

 

Avoidance beats willpower every time

Your willpower is weak.

We're not making any personal attacks on you. It is true for everyone. And only a masochist would worry about building up willpower anyway. I mean, who in the hell wants to deprive themselves of something they really want just to say they did it?

Not us, and probably not you.

The key to getting around one of your weaknesses – over-shopping, eating junk food, or even drunk-dialing your ex – is to not even expose yourself to the possibility in the first place. Take the easy way out.

Stay out of malls so you won't be tempted to shop
Avoid the junk food aisle at the store entirely so chips and cookies won't make it into your home
Download an app on your phone that requires you to complete complex games to determine your sobriety before allowing you to call or text your "forbidden" list

We're written about the fallacy of willpower before, especially in Dream Save Do, but it bears repeating. Because we are human, it is inevitable we will put ourselves in harm's way again, even when it makes no logical sense.

Your willpower is weak, and even if you make it stronger it will never be foolproof. Your better option is simple avoidance, which also makes for a less stressful life.

But sometimes we forget our own lessons and need to be reminded. This past week we were feeling sentimental about our last few days in Chiang Mai, Thailand after living there for six months.

Just one last trip to the Sunday Walking Market, ok?

Warren's goal was to shoot some more pictures of this famous vibrant market that stretches from one gate of the old city to another. My goal was to try out my new point-and-shoot camera, but I quickly got waylaid by my desire to own pretty things made in what has quickly become the closest thing to home we've had in almost 2 years.

Bracelets
Shirts
Handbags

I've been living a minimalist life long enough to know I couldn't take a wall-sized wooden elephant carving with me, but jewelry and clothes? Surely they would fit in my backpack.

We've been to dozens of markets in our travels, and I rarely get this "I've gotta have it" feeling. I'm usually happy to appreciate and move on. But when these pretty things are combined with the sentimental feeling of a place I've loved and happy memories of new friends and big projects completed, I want to capture it and take it with me.

But we all know you cannot take it with you. A strong memory or feeling stands on its own without need of a physical reminder. Would your true love slip your mind if you didn't have the trinkets from your relationship? Would you forget the day your children were born if they weren't standing right in front of you? Of course not.

It brings to mind last night's chat with a pushy local hill tribe woman in Laos trying to sell us bracelets as we ate dinner. She quickly noticed Warren wearing a wedding band but not me, and in some pretty direct sign language asked why we were together if I wasn't his wife.

I laughed when I finally understood because I don't need a wedding ring to remind me of the man I'm with 24 hours a day. It was then that it dawned on me that I didn't need a reminder of my time in Thailand, either. It will live on in my heart and mind forever.

Though the gorgeous necklace I bought will remind me of the lesson if I need it.

Need help saying no to the wrong things? Click these links to find out more about working around willpower with your money in Dream Save Do and with your possessions in Getting Rid of It.

 

Sunday Brunch with the Talbots (from Dr. Suess to China…oh my)

Settle in with a cup of coffee and your favorite pastry to travel around the interwebs with us as we share our favorite articles and resources from the previous week to help you Live the Good Life.

On to the good stuff

Like so many of you, we grew up with Dr. Seuss rhymes and stories. His books captured our imagination while teaching us about language and life. It is great to see another side of the genius of Dr Seuss.

It is fascinating to realize how much learning a new language can have on your life. This wonderful article explains how being bi-lingual makes you smarter. And here we thought it was just helping us order cheese and wine in different countries. It makes me appreciate the millions of bi-lingual speakers around the world just a bit more.

From novels to historical fiction to the ancient myths of Greece, our stories have dominated the written word. This article, Your Brain on Fiction, from the NY Times is a fascinating look at how reading stories can "change how we act in life." Now we have an excuse for reading novels as we just love a good brain stimulation.

We've been consuming vast amounts of information about China and are overwhelmed with excitement for what we will experience. One of the interesting articles we found aims to debunk the misconceptions most of us have about China. It is a great read to learn more about this mysterious and exciting country.

I love the idea expressed of living life without "should". The goal for us all is to live our lives by not saying "I should do that" but instead just doing it. I think this is actually similar to the wise words "Do or do not. There is no try." Thank you Yoda for your guidance.

Inside scoop

After almost 6 months, we said goodbye to Thailand this morning and are off on our next adventure. We will be spending a few days on buses as we head up through Laos and crossing the border into China. We're excited for what the next few months will bring us. We'll be sharing the stories and images through our newsletter and Facebook, so sign up if you are not already there.

Embrace Who You Are Today

When I was 10, my dad was killed by a drunk driver. He was 32 years old. I remember that night more clearly than any of my childhood. That evening turned out to be the single most defining moment of my life, and it meant that I grew up without a father.

My last memory of my dad was camping in the woods at a Boy Scout weekend. It was the first time we had done something just as father and son and is a memory that I cherish more than any other.  That weekend also marked the end of father and son time for me and the last 30 years have been without him in my life.

He was not there to talk with me about sex (which in retrospect is not necessarily bad since it would mean thinking about my dad actually having sex).

I did not have my dad there to teach me how to drive.

He did not show me how to fix things. Though my mom tells me his tool of choice was always a hammer, so perhaps it is good I did not carry on this tradition.

He never got to see me grow to be a man. I would have loved to have him see me take the knowledge he provided to create a life I'd like to think he would be proud of.

I missed ever hearing my dad tell me he was proud of me.

We never discussed politics, religion, or world views.

We never spent a Sunday watching a baseball game.

We never shared a beer, which would really piss him off since he loved beer more than the air he breathed.

I missed ever being able to tell him I am proud of who he was.

My life could be defined by all the things I did not have with him. I could spend my days thinking about how my life would be different if he had lived. But, that is not who I am.

I am the man I am today in part BECAUSE my father died when I was 10.

My dad died before he was able to pursue his passions, always expecting that he would be alive tomorrow to make them come true. I am living my dream because my father never had that opportunity.

With his death, my mom became the most important person in my life. She was my best friend for years, listening to my problems and discussing issues that I never would have shared otherwise. We explored a wide range of issues and she never held back, letting me ask the questions regardless of the subject.

My mom was my hero. Overnight she went from stay at home mom to single, working mother. She knew all the answers and could solve any problem. She inspired me (and continues to do so) by what she provided to me. I know in retrospect how hard this transition was on her, but at the time all I knew is she was our rock during a tragic time. I have more respect for her than any person I've ever met because of what she gave me.

I am in love with a strong, independent, intelligent woman who inspires me each day to want to be better. I cannot imagine my life without her, but know that I could never have appreciated all she could give me if my mom had not influenced how I view women.

I am passionate, happy, and full of dreams because of how my life was shaped. The death of my father changed so much for me, but it also set me on the path I live and love each day. I wear his wedding ring as a reminder of who he was, what impact his death had on my life, and as an inspiration to leave each day as if it was my last.

I am living my dream in part because my father died when I was 10.

I do shed a fair number of tears in reflection of my dad and a life without him. However, I do not regret or bemoan the situation. Instead, I focus on where my life has taken me as  result. Instead of focusing on who I could have been, I am embracing who I actually am each day.

We all have events in our past that shape us into who we are today. Without these experiences, we would not be who we are at this moment. Instead of focusing how life "could" be different or wishing you could change the past (which we all know is not possible) focus on the positives you have today.

A bankruptcy that may have led you to be more responsible with money
A job layoff that could have led to you starting your own business
A nasty divorce that possibly created turmoil in your life, but without it you would never have met your soul-mate

Think of 3 things in your life today that you love and that would not be true if this event/experience had not happened.

Embrace who you are today.

Sunday Morning Brunch (or, the brain food buffet)

Sunday morning is the sweet spot of the weekend where you are relaxed from the efforts of last week and not yet stressed about your upcoming schedule. You know, kinda like the peaceful feeling you get from watching elephants bathe each other and then roll around in the mud.

Settle in with a cup of coffee or tea and travel around the interwebs with us as we explore our favorite brain food from the previous week and let you know what's coming up.

On to the good stuff

This was a lightbulb moment: the perils of over-giving and the joys of giving just enough, from Elizabeth Gilbert. Our tendency is to always over-give, and now we better understand the consequences for us and other people.

Do your iPod earphones fall out while jogging or exercising? We learned to snake the cord down the back of our shirts when exercising to keep from accidentally pulling the cord out with our arms, but we never realized this obvious and ingenious method for keeping the earbuds in. Thanks, Lifehacker.

We're overdosing on documentaries about China, a country with dozens of different ethnicities, landscapes as diverse as jungles and deserts, and big enough to contain 5 time zones. Learn more about this amazing country through the Wild China documentary series, free online.

An eye-opening TED Talk about regret sent to us by Jodi from Legal Nomads after a spirited discussion on the subject over lunch. This is a complex topic, and Kathryn Schulz did a masterful job of untangling it. Well worth 17 minutes of your time.

If you like podcasts with interesting people, check out Alec Baldwin's Here's the Thing. Alec interviews a variety of people, and asks some pretty great questions. This one of Saturday Night Live's Lorne Michaels is great because it touches on a practice we love: going out and doing something repeatedly and learning from your mistakes instead of practicing behind the scenes until it is perfect (because it never will be). Many thanks to our friends the Globetrotter Girls for telling us about it.

Inside scoop

You'll notice on the website this week that we've gone to a Facebook comments system. We're going to love seeing all your faces as we chat about living the good life. And if you aren't already friends with us on Facebook, why the hell not?

T -7 days and counting until we leave for China. The big question is whether we'll remember how to pack our bags after 6 months of staying put. (Who are we kidding? The only one who worries about this is me. Warren is already packed and ready to go.)

Are you on Pinterest? We use Pinterest to share our Live the Good Life brain food. Click here to follow us and see what we're chewing on each week. 

How to start a book club

The wrong kind of book club is as boring as watching paint dry. The right kind of book club will show the world in a different light, bring you closer to your friends, and give you a reason to get tipsy and laugh maniacally once a month (besides your period, that is).

A great book club simultaneously fulfills 3 of the 5 Tenets to Live the Good Life: Rally the Tribe, Nurture the Spirit, and Strengthen the Mind. In this instance only, I give you permission to multi-task.

Mission

The key to a great book club is in your mission. If the mission is evaluating the author's thought process and  fact-checking historical accuracy – yawn – you'll probably find it hard to get members and even harder to sustain it long-term.

A mission that everyone finds interesting, like reading a certain genre or subject of books, is a good start. A friend of mine belongs to a food-centric book club. Each month they  have a cookbook, novel or nonfiction book about food and a food theme where each potluck dish has to contain the specific ingredient. It's like Iron Chef! When you ask people to get creative before they even walk in the door, your conversations are going to be better.

"You are so right! Why don't we talk about this more?" ~ Facebook message

Mix of Friends

If everyone agrees with you, it's going to get boring fast. What I loved about my book club in Seattle was the difference in perspectives of the women in the group. We had new mothers and grandmothers, several childless women, artists, entrepreneurs, people with conventional jobs, people with unconventional jobs (a shaman, believe it or not), single, partnered, separated, gay and straight women.

Men are welcome additions to book clubs, too. In fact, I just got a great email from a man today who is reading my latest book. Tell me a man who reads a book about women's confidence to better understand his love life is not the kind of man you are dying to meet. And no, I'm not giving out his email address. 

You will regularly blow your mind when you hear something you were so sure of refuted, challenged, or enhanced by someone with a different life experience than you. Recruit a variety of people you know – not necessarily just your good friends – to make it unforgettable.

"You know that woman you totally envy? The one that always seems to be doing cool things and hanging out with interesting people. You could be that woman and this book will show you how." ~ Amazon reviewer

A Book You Can't Stop Talking About

Pick something that inspires conversation, a subject that affects you, an interest you all share, or something controversial like a biography of someone you admire or despise. I wrote Strip Off Your Fear (SOYF) specifically for book clubs. I want women to talk about the subject of confidence, speaking up, and living the life you want instead of what everyone else wants you to do. And I definitely want women to speak up when it concerns their rights, their bodies, and the way they are treated in society and by their governments.

"So far this book is not just speaking to me but shouting…I think I'll keep reading." ~ Facebook message

Some books now come with book discussion questions of the mind-numbing sort. Do you care what I was thinking when I wrote this book, or do you care what you and your friends think about what I wrote? Believe me, that second discussion is going to be far more meaningful in your life.

I did include discussion questions in SOYF, but I also included a recipe for delicious food, a signature cocktail, The Skinny Strip, and a soundtrack. I have redeemed myself from lame author-dom. Drink up, shake your ass, and have the conversation that means most to you.

Basic Rules

Here are a few basic rules to keep it easy. I find the fewer rules you have the better, and these are mostly to spread the work around and keep things flowing so no one person is left with all the work.

Hostess picks the book, either by vote or by dictatorship, and suggests menu theme.
The previous hostess leads the discussion to take some pressure off the current hostess (who will lead the discussion next month).
Everyone contributes an item of food and/or drink.
Use Facebook or Evite to send out invitations so you can see the number of responses and bring food accordingly. It also just makes life easier than a string of group emails and the dreaded 'reply all' button.
People will always have to miss for some reason or another, but if they've missed the last 3 or 4, odds are they are not finding enough value in the club to make it a priority. Find a replacement. A good book club looks for new members all the time to add to the conversation, and you'll see that there is always room since not everyone can come every month. You can have a 5-minute conversation at the end of each meeting to talk about inviting new members and deleting inactive ones.

"In Chapter One, these words: 'It never occurred to me I could disagree, modify, go another way, or be different. It simply wasn't done.' And with these words, I knew that Betsy Talbot was telling her story…and mine…and that of many, if not most women." ~ Amazon reviewer

Fun Extras

You can find the cocktail, soundtrack, recipes, and discussion questions for SOYF here. Yes, I really, really want you to talk about confidence and being comfortable in your own skin with supportive people in your life. You can adapt all of your monthly discussions to have a food or music theme. How cool would it be for someone to create a playlist for each book selection to play while you're eating and socializing? Your book club can be as interesting and fun as you decide to make it.

One of my friends has the greatest question at the end of each discussion. She always wants to imagine what the characters are doing now – at this instant – and we spent a lot of fun nights discussing what they are doing as we are talking about them.

Since I wrote Strip Off Your Fear about you and me and every woman we all know, I'll ask you this:

How does our story continue?

If you haven't gotten the book yet, you can buy it on Amazon (and check out our great reviews). Not quite ready to start your book club? No problem. You can sign up for the International Book Club Discussion + Twitter Party on April 23 with Femmenation radio host Debb Whitlock and me. I'll be calling in from China, where I'll be testing my confidence over the next few months in Mandarin.

Virtual Launch Party: Strip Off Your Fear

Editor's Note: March 15, 2012, 12:01 a.m. Pacific to 11:59 p.m. Pacific. Be there or be square. Get your free copy of Strip Off  Your Fear during that time and then pay it forward by buying a copy for a friend tomorrow. It's a love fest of naked confidence for us all!

The Scene: It is a gorgeous, crisp night and you walk up to the restaurant to see dozens of people waiting to get in. The buzz is in the air, and you are excited about this book launch party. You look around and see several friends among the strangers and you are glad they got your Facebook updates, tweets, and Pinterest posts about the book and party today. You laugh and joke with the people around you as you slowly make your way to the door.

Hey, there's Betsy and Warren!

Well, hello there. Thank you for coming to our book launch party! It's so nice to see you again. Let us take your coat. You know, we have to confess we were worried some of you would show up naked under your trench coats given the title of the book. You are a very unpredictable bunch! (Okay, okay, it was really just Tranque we were worried about.)

The hair? Yep, it's new. Just yesterday in fact. I can't stop rubbing my head, and neither can Warren!

You brought us a bottle of Ketel One vodka? Why thank you. Darcey Howard is going to be thrilled to put this behind the bar. She's mixing a lot of her Skinny Strip cocktails tonight! Come on over and try one. You'll like this  – and she does heavy pours. In her day job, Darcey shows women how to dress themselves and their businesses to reflect their mission and values, but her not-so-secret superpower is knowing where the best food and drink can be found in New York City, and she's not afraid to use it. When this party is over, I'm following her out the door.

Before you get too tipsy, be sure to head over to the virtual Amazon table and pick up your copy of Strip Off Your Fear: Slip Into Something More Confident. It's free until 11:59 p.m. Pacific on Thursday, March 15. Why? Because we know how to throw a good party. (Don't have a Kindle? No problem. There are free Kindle reading apps for just about every electronic device.)

Well, if you insist, of course you can go back tomorrow and buy copies for your friends. And every day after that until the end of time. You can even tell them where to go so they can buy their own, pass the word, share on social media, and walk around with cardboard signs. Really, we don't mind. Talk about it all you want. Muchas gracias.

photo by mediafury via Flickr

You look to your left and see Rob laughing with Joanna and Beth. Is that Peggy over there telling jokes to nrhatch, Angela, and Paz? Wait a second…are Kent and Caanan going up on stage to sing Brick House? This party is really heating up.

Hey, Warren. Can you turn up the music?

Did I mention we have a playlist to go with the book? It just seemed to work so well with the subject of stripping and image. The whole playlist is available on iTunes, though I'm betting you probably have a lot of these songs already. Now that I think about it, I should have used Carly Simon's You're So Vain. Damn, we're probably going to be thinking of songs to add to this playlist for weeks – all with the visual image of you guys going up on stage to take your turn at the mic. I knew the karaoke machine was a good investment.

Feta and Walnut Stuffed Magic Mushrooms

Rule-breaking deviled eggs

Sexy scallops

Hungry? Of course you are. How could you pass up this kind of food? My friend Karen Rosenzweig from Seattle made the Sexy Scallops (actual pornography on a plate, isn't it? Mmmmm). She's the sexy spitfire standing over there in the snazzy fedora live-tweeting the party on her phone to her army of fans.

My Canadian expat friend Alison Cornford-Matheson created the Feta and Walnut Stuffed Magic Mushrooms and Rule-Breaking Deviled Eggs. Thai food is mostly cheese-free, so I'm doubly glad Alison arrived from her home in Brussels with feta. Mmmmm, cheese. Alison is the smiling redheaded photographer in the Indian-inspired outfit snapping photos of the people on the dance floor.

Speaking of the dance floor, did you know Leslie Irish Evans could do the splits without spilling her drink? Impressive!

Samantha Searle popped in from the Australian Outback to attend the party and create the cake. I just burst out in tears the minute she showed the it to me. It really is terrific, isn't it?

Hard to believe she kept that little figure on top through the plane ride and customs. The woman has talent! And she looks great in a shimmery evening gown, don't you think?

I love how we can all come together from all the corners of the globe to toast confidence and getting emotionally naked with ourselves and the people we love.

Speaking of which, I need to head back to the door and greet the other guests. Please mingle around, have some more food and drink, and chat it up with the others in the comments.

Tell us what you most like about the book, the party, and the subject of confidence. Hey, you can even take your turn at the karaoke machine if you like. (If Kent will give up the mic, that is.)

What's next?

Of course you can have the recipes for your own party. They are all in the Book Club Planning Guide mentioned in the book, along with Darcey's cocktail recipe, the link to the playlist, discussion questions, and even suggestions on making the evening more enjoyable. If you want to know more, you can also find the reason I wrote the book and a little bit about the people who jumped in to help. It's been a love fest.

We like to have a good time around here, and since you're going to want to discuss this with your friends after you read the book, we wanted to give you an easy roadmap to do it.

Stay tuned for my conversation with the fabulous Debb Whitlock of FemmeNation on Monday, March 27 at 9 a.m. Pacific (streaming online and live on KKNW 1150 radio locally in Seattle). We'll be talking about the book and announcing the details of the virtual book club and Twitter party for women all over the world on April 23.

This is an important conversation, ladies. Let's start talking about it.

After the cake, though. Definitely after the cake.

Cheers!

 

Confidence is sexy

It is November of last year and I'm writing a book about overcoming fear, and it is not going well. The words are not flowing, and the few that do make it through are – to put it bluntly – shit. After 30,000 nuggets of shit, I decided to call a halt to this project. I wasn't fully into it, and the results showed. I just couldn't get worked up about fear. Things were not happy at the House of Talbot because writing a book is why we came to Thailand in the first place.

Then things got real: my friend Donna was murdered by her ex-husband. And the political climate in the US became overtly anti-woman as the political races heated up. Some of my closest friends and family members were undergoing significant personal issues because of their inability to speak honestly and clearly in their relationships, businesses, and communities.

It finally dawned on me that fear wasn't the problem because fear never leaves us. Conquer one fear and you'll quickly find another – we all know that. The problem is really a lack of confidence, the inner fire that comes from living your authentic self, speaking your truth, and demanding respect from others, including yourself. Especially yourself. When you have this, you can face fear on a regular basis with a pretty good result.

The Flip Side of Fear

So I started writing about confidence. In fact, I couldn't stop writing about confidence. I remembered how I felt in my 20s and early 30s, afraid to speak up, scared to death of what other people would think, and without a clue that I could choose the type of people I wanted in my life. I could even kick the wrong people out!

I remembered the first few times I said 'no, thank you' and 'I want this' and 'this is who I am' – all followed by an emphatic period. No apologies, no clarifications, no excuses. It was scary as hell and completely liberating at the same time.

I remembered the fiery meltdown at 29, the divorce that followed, and the experimental and eye-opening events that followed as I took the messiest path to self-confidence I could find. I wrote about all of it in detail in this book for one reason and one reason only: to show you that you don't have to curl yourself up into a little ball to get along. You don't have to go with the flow, keep your thoughts to yourself, or force yourself to laugh when you want to scream or cry.

I Wrote This for You

Strip Off Your Fear: Slip Into Something More Confident is my love letter to you, one that shows you how to find your way back to the path that started with your gung-ho young self, the one who wanted to do great things. I want you to recapture that spirit now that you have the experience and resources to make good shit happen for yourself and the world.

I want this for you, your sister, your neighbor, your coworker, your friend, your mother, and your aunt. I want you to have a voice in your body, your home, your career, your community and your government. I want you to stop worrying about what happened 5, 10 or 15 years ago, to delete the biased stories and comments from people in your past that are keeping you from seeing who you are right now in this very moment. I want you to talk about the topic of confidence with every woman you know.

But enough about what I want. What do other women want?

An early draft elicited this response:

Every fucking word – in my face – "make me go ouch" words – make my eyes tear up because you hit so close to home and I almost want to close the book. But because I know you are right and I'm curious I read on and then laugh out loud because I know you are talking about ME….yep ME…

I will buy dozens of copies, give them as gifts, lead book clubs and parades. THIS is the message I want to read.

I'm so excited to share it all with you later this week I can hardly stand it. It goes deeper than our previous message in Dream Save Do because it hits at the heart of our lives –

learning to speak our truth, be who we are without apology or excuse, and demand more from ourselves and the people with whom we share our lives.

You'll find out more on Thursday – much more – so be sure to stop by for the virtual launch party. You'll find out just what the juicy middle of my message of confidence is all about. Without learning to speak up, be comfortable in my own skin, and attract the right kind of people in my life I would have never met Warren or have the life I lead today, which fits me like a glove.

My message is simple:

Speak up. Be proud of who you are, what you know, and what you do. Help other women  do the same.  When you change your world for the better, you make it better for the rest of us.

This book is how I went from wee to ME. It is a lesson in how you can do the same. The party starts at midnight Pacific on Thursday. Don't be late.

Want to know exactly when the book goes on sale and what kind of special launch-day goodies are in store? Sign up for our newsletter to get first dibs.

The Art of the Ask (or, how to ask for help when it isn't obvious)

You know what's not too hard? Getting help when you're obviously in need. People rally with food, money, time and resources when you are sick, in a bind, going through a divorce or job layoff, or with the joyful stress of bringing a new child home or moving to a new house.

It isn't too tough to ask for or receive help during those times (even if you have to offer free pizza and beer to get help with a move), so we're not going to talk about that today.

What we are going to talk about now is asking for help when things are going pretty well and the help you need is going to take your life from good to better. You know what I mean here: getting feedback on a good idea to improve it, introductions to speed the path to a new job/date/friendship, or support and accountability in a new physical fitness program. For whatever reason, we feel guilty asking for help when we are not in obvious 'need.'

We don't want to put anybody out, and we feel self-centered for asking. This is such a big deal that scientists are looking into why people choose to help:

"One idea is that most people cooperate because it feels good to do it. And there is some brain imaging data that shows activity in reward-related regions of the brain when people are cooperating.

"But there is a whole other world of motivation to do good because you don't want to feel bad. That is the idea behind guilt aversion," Chang said.

Whether your friends and colleagues are into feeling good or avoiding feeling bad, you can get rid of your feelings of guilt for asking for help unless your friends are sociopaths – in which case, you need new friends.

How to ask for help when times are good

We've talked about the art of the ask before: worst-case scenario is you get a "no," and that's no worse than the automatic no you get from not asking. Since we've agreed your non-sociopathic friends want to help you out of the desire for good feelings or the avoidance of bad feelings and that the worst you can expect is a no, let's get to the business of how to ask for help when times are good.

Share your excitement/opportunity

If you aren't excited about it, people won't be very excited to help. Work out how you will showcase your opportunity – sell it, baby, sell it! – so others can catch your enthusiasm.  You don't start a movement with a whisper, sell a book without promotion, or get elected without a campaign.

When I first started writing Strip Off Your Fear, I did what I failed to do in the first two books: I shared the process with friends, readers, and perfect strangers. I put out funny blurbs about the research I had done so people would be as excited about the topic as I am. The book is ready to publish and the news isn't "new" to anyone who knows me or reads our website.

 

Start talking about your project or idea long before you need help so people will be already be familiar with what you are doing.

Be specific in your request

No one has given your idea as much thought as you have, so you can't expect them to intuitively know that you need help or how they can best assist you. Be very specific in what you need, and ask people according to the level of relationship you already have with them and their own interests, abilities, and time constraints.

For instance, I asked friends via Facebook about the title/subtitle options and feedback over some of the topics within the book. These are requests that didn't take much time away from people and fulfilled my need for general public opinion.

For heavier requests, like reading an early draft of the book and providing detailed feedback, I asked smart women in my target market with a writing background first if they would, then I provided a detailed list of what kind of feedback I needed. Those that were willing and able to help did, and I got exactly what I needed to make the book better. Don't make anyone guess or assume they know what you need. They don't unless you tell them.

Pinpoint your need so the other person knows exactly what is desired of them.

Make it easy for people to help you

When you ask for help, make sure you have done as much of the legwork as you can. For the upcoming book, we made a page of sample tweets and updates for fans and friends to share. They don't even have to think about what to write or find the link – we did it all for them.

When asking for guest posts and other promotional help, we have taken into account the other person's audience and needs. If we can help them at the same time as they are helping us, everyone wins. For example, we might do an interview around how we promoted this book to an audience of writers or marketers instead of talking about the contents of the book. We still get publicity, and the owner of the media outlet gets valuable information for their audience. We both win.

When you can make it fun, you will get a better response to your requests. We lined up some really great contributors for the virtual launch party next week, and because of the fun, top-secret nature of it, people were excited to help. (Sorry, can't spill the beans on this one yet!)

Go the extra mile and make it easy (and fun, if possible) for people to help you.

Thank them

Please and thank you are always welcome. Do not take for granted anyone's help, even if you don't think it took much for them to do it. No one forgets your appreciation – or your lack of it. More than that, people like to know how they were able to help you, so if you can circle back and tell them, do it.

My goal with our next book is to start a conversation around women's confidence and the fears holding us back. This is really important to me, and in thanking the friends and contributors on this project I tell them what their help means in the overall scheme of things. The reason I want people to discuss this in book clubs is not just to sell more books (we have enabled lending on this ebook, so it is not all about the sales),  it is to spread the idea. Some of the help I've asked for is related to this idea, and I want people to see how their contributions (still top secret!) – while seemingly not related – are completely on track to accomplish this goal.

Thank your contributors and let them know how their help contributed to your success.

Return the favor

Most of your friends won't be keeping tabs on this, but you should always be willing to help out where you can. Not everyone is good at asking for help, so check in on a regular basis and offer your expertise. Stay in touch with your friends and acquaintances so you know what they have going on in their lives. When you consistently look to add value to the lives of your friends, they will naturally want to do the same for you. We cooperate because it makes us feel good.

Another option for returning the favor is using the good old-fashioned barter system. You can often trade your skills and talents for those of other people, so the payback happens at the same time you are getting help. When we were working on this book, we did some business and website consulting for a few people in exchange for their help in researching media outlets and providing critical feedback. You may not always have something to barter, but when you can this is a very effective strategy for getting help. Don't be afraid to suggest this.

Offer your help in return, either right then with a barter or by checking in regularly afterward. Do not forget your karmic obligations.

I'll leave you with one final thought as we wrap up this edition of The Art of the Ask: When you practice giving in your everyday life you will feel far less guilt for asking for help. You will come to appreciate the circular nature of life and how we all need to give and receive help as part of our life's journey. The more you focus on living your life this way, the easier it will be for you to ask for help when you need it.

Unless you are a sociopath, in which case you stopped reading a long time ago.

 

Do you know someone who needs help simply learning to ask for help? Forward this article to them and let them know about next week's book launch of Strip Off Your Fear: Slip Into Something More Confident.