Betsy Talbot's Blog, page 23

How Your Habits Impact Your Relationship

Editor’s Note: This is the first in an occasional series titled, The 24/7 Relationship: Lessons on Life, Love, and Laughter. If you have a relationship topic you’d like us to write about, email us. And if you want a bigger sneak peek into how our habits create the life we live, be sure to sign up for our weekly Sunday email. 

What you see is what you get.

This was my standard line in relationships after my divorce, and I did it to establish a boundary. “I’m not changing for you.” It was my way of standing firm, not bending to the will of others, and maintaining my identity.

“No, I will not consider an alternative.”

“Yes, I always do things this way.”

“Is there a problem?”

It was a tad bit of overkill in the accept-me-as-I-am department, and it was disastrous for any kind of relationship growth, not to mention personal growth.

When I met Warren, I was coming off another doomed relationship where we both decided not to budge from entrenched positions on opposite sides of the battlefield. It was as successful as you’d imagine – like a zebra hoping to find love in a den of hungry lions – and I began thinking I was just not cut out for love.

(Or maybe I just like zebra meat.)

In reality, I was letting my commitment to my habits erode my chances of a healthy relationship.

Today I’m going to address the 3 types of habit clashes that impact your relationship:

Simple habits that bug you or your mate and can be fairly easily fixed
Moderate ones that can be resolved mutually with a creative workaround
Deal breakers, and why it’s important to call them out up front

An Environment of Change

What happens when you start something new – a job, a move, a hobby, or going after your big dream – is that things change. You are no longer what you were before this new event because your environment is now different. When you refuse to acknowledge this shift in reality with an adjustment to your habits and actions, your ability to succeed is severely challenged.

Your new job won’t work the same as your old job.
Your new health plan requires you to eat and move differently than you did before.
Your new relationship means adjusting to another point of view.

You cannot expect to embark on something new without changing yourself. It doesn’t mean you morph to fit every new environment; that would be counter-productive to your long history of personal growth. But it does mean you  have to examine what you want most and how you have to adjust your attitudes, habits, and actions to make it work.

You aren’t changing so much as you are growing to fit the life you really want.

When Two Worlds Collide

When Warren and I started dating, I was just beginning some heavy work in personal growth. I think Warren would say the same. Together we began the sometimes bumpy transition from two individuals to a couple.

He didn’t like tomatoes or mushrooms and liked having a daily regimen. He neatly rolled his tube of toothpaste from the bottom. He was a confirmed morning person…to the point of singing. To this day he has never needed an alarm clock to wake up on time.

I loved eating a wide variety of foods and craved a more ‘spontaneous’ style of doing things. I squeezed my toothpaste from the middle. I was a night owl who hated alarm clocks and loved naps.

At first we were attracted because of our differences (isn’t that always the way?). But it wasn’t long before reality set in and we had to find a way of reconciling our habits if we wanted to stay together…and we did.

How to Reconcile Your  Habits with Your Partner

First off, the good news: You don’t have to reconcile them all. In fact, this is the most valuable lesson to learn when starting a new relationship of any kind. There are things that bug you, and then there are things that are a dealbreakers.

In between the small stuff and the relationship-killers, there are a whole host of clashes that can be resolved in an easier way.

Habits that Bug You

I slam car doors. It probably comes from driving a 1979 Chevy Nova as my first car. This car was HEAVY, and it was a clunker. I had to reach out to grab the door and pull it hard to shut. The habit of slamming the car door stayed with me even after I had more modern cars that didn’t require the herculean effort to close.

This drove Warren crazy, and it was something I didn’t even realize I was doing. He finally snapped and yelled at me when I slammed the car door on the way to dinner about a year into our relationship. I was completely taken aback by the outburst, and it certainly put a damper on the evening. But it taught us a valuable lesson.

These irritants add up over time. Better to say something awkward early on than let it build into an enormous explosion, especially when it is something so easy to fix.

Am I committed to slamming car doors as part of my core personality? No. It’s just one of those habits that stuck and is easy to change.

The Lesson: Speak up when something really bugs you and you know it would be simple to change. It will only get worse over time as it simmers and your mate is oblivious to your irritation. Your partner will appreciate an early comment far more than a crazed outburst.

And if you’re the target of this sane, constructive feedback, take it as intended. If it isn’t something core to your being, it should be pretty easy to do something to make your partner’s life better.

Habits that Can Be Resolved Another Way

You remember I mentioned our toothpaste incompatibility. This turned into a real problem for us as every morning and evening turned into a “why did you squeeze the tube” and a response of “why does it matter?” It’s not a great way to start or end the day, so we came up with a great solution: two separate tubes of toothpaste. For less than $5 a month, we solved a daily grumble.

You don’t have to spend all your energy on stupid fights. If an easy workaround is available, especially when combating a daily habit you’ve had for decades, then take it.

Warren likes noise. When we first got together, he left the television on all the time, whether he was watching it or just answering email on his laptop. It was background noise to him, but it was like nails on a chalkboard to me if I was trying to read or otherwise relax. Rather than take away his “white noise” or force me to fight the distraction, we came up with a very simple solution: headphones and earplugs.

If he can use headphones, he does. If he can’t, I use earplugs. We both win. Again, a $5 solution.

The Lesson: When you focus on resolving the problem instead of who wins or loses, you can usually find a way to make both of you happy. And isn’t that the goal in a relationship?

(And no sweat if your relationship is not new and you haven’t tried this before. Just bring it up during your  next marriage contract review.)

Flat out Deal-Breakers

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to your partner that certain behaviors or attitudes are not in alignment with the way you want to live your life. Be very open with what you want in a relationship and what you will not abide so you have a better chance of having the relationship you want.

And really, this  list of deal-breakers should be fairly short. If you come up with more deal-breakers than your partner can keep up with, you are probably not with the right person.

When Warren and I first started dating we had conversations about children, religion, political affiliations, what we expected in a partnership (and what we were willing to give), monogamy, sex, money, work, and lifestyle. We each had our eyes opened a bit, but we were also further bonded because we knew exactly what we were getting into.

After these conversations we both know what will send the other one packing. While this information is powerful, it is also key to holding us together because we know the boundaries of our behavior and the requirements to keep our relationship strong.

The Lesson: Know the limits of behavior for you and your mate. If it is that important to you, it shouldn’t be a secret to your partner. (And it doesn’t matter what those boundaries are if you both agree to them and they aren’t hurting anyone. It’s your relationship.)

Keep in mind that your requirements come with a level of responsibility. When I demanded full partner status in our relationship in every way, Warren countered back with a financial demand about sharing our money as partners. I wasn’t expecting this, but to ask for equality I had to also give it. There are some great personal lessons to be had if you look at deal-breakers this way.

Adjusting Your Habits to Your Relationship

When you look at your habits and attitudes in relation to your partner, it’s not a win/lose scenario. It’s a merging of two styles from people who love each other. While it can be rocky to negotiate at times, your daily habits are also what will bind your relationship tight and make it possible for you to chase dreams together – the most delicious result of all.

How to adjust when necessary:

Focus on clear, quick communication about the things that bug you
Take fast action when you can adjust your behavior to make your partner’s life better
Create workarounds when possible so you don’t stress out over the small stuff
Be up-front about your deal-breakers
Live up to the ideals you require from your mate

A wise man once told me we love people not in spite of their quirks but because of them. While I’m not sure I’m that evolved just yet, I’m definitely working on it.

This is part of an occasional series titled, The 24/7 Relationship: Lessons on Life, Love, and Laughter. If you have a relationship topic you’d like us to write about, email us. And if you want a bigger sneak peek into how our habits create the life we live, be sure to sign up for our weekly Sunday email. 

40 Books to Answer the Question: “What Is My Dream?”

“A book is like a key that fits into the tumbler of the soul. The two parts have to match in order for each to unlock. Then—click—a world opens.” ― Brad Kessler,

Books have always inspired Betsy and me to try new things in our lives and have shaped our dreams, both individually and as a couple. Books have the potential to open our minds to the possibilities in life. They can radically change our minds and plant the seeds for new directions. Books:

Challeng us mentally
Transport us to new worlds
Open up possibilities we had not seen before
Enable us to connect with others who are living their dream
Allow us to explore ideas from the comfort of our homes

In addition, books are powerful resources to help you answer the question “What is my dream?”. Inspiration to define your dream can come in a plethora of forms, but a book has the ability to peer inside your mind and create the image of what your dream life may look like.

Over the course of our lives we have read hundreds of books, but there are a few which have shaped our lives into the dream we are living today. Each book listed below has opened our eyes to new ideas, ways of approaching our lives, or opportunities we did not know were possible. We can trace many of the greatest experiences we have had back to words that inspired us to take a leap.

“Be as careful of the books you read, as of the company you keep; for your habits and character will be as much influenced by the former as the latter.” ― Paxton Hood

Following is a list of the 40 books that have inspired us the most. If you are struggling to determine what you want most in your life we believe these books can provide a foundation to answering the question “What is my dream?”.

Determine what intrigues you most and dive in. Head to your library or click on a cover and purchase a copy from Amazon.

What books have inspired your dreams?

40 Books to Inspire Your Dreams




Creativity is a habit, and this book teaches creatives how to systematize their creativity to make it more powerful and focused than ever before.



Who wouldn’t want to know how such a prolific and successful author makes it happen? Like Twyla Tharp’s book, this one focuses on the work habits that shape creativity into actual creations.



A novel of personal strength and fortitude and overcoming terrible circumstances. Not everything in life will go your way, but it is up to you how you will let it affect you.



Explore the limits to which others will go to try big things and the courage it takes to see them through.



Can you see a theme here? We really like books on habits – those small daily efforts that morph your life into something incredible.



Motivation and guidance to step outside the norm and create something amazing. Warren started his first company after reading this book.



Discover the wonders of living in another country through the eyes of one man following his passion.



Fiction is just as powerful for motivation as non-fiction. Cronin examines what it would be like if we had to start all over again and the resiliency with which we would do it.



Discover the freedom of living life without limits, ignoring the nay-sayers, and taking off to chart your own path.



The “magical realism” type of books show us the world is not always as it seems, and the characters who build a life based on this knowledge are always compelling and interesting. Just like in real life.



This book opened our minds to the creative potential in us both and provided us with practical resources we could use to explore them. We are better writers as a result.



You’ll quickly realize that “magical realism” is one of Betsy’s favorite types of books. The main character ages twice as fast as everyone else, and in looking at his life passing you feel an urgency in your own.



Learn about Japanese culture and the quest to understand a foreign people and language.



What happens when you isolate the intellectuals and take away all their tools except pen and paper? None of us are superior to the other, just differently gifted and inspired.



Arguably the greatest adventure ever which inspired us to visit Antarctica and live a more adventurous life alway willing to say yes.



This is the first in a 5-part series which opened our eyes to the Mongolian Empire. We devoured the books and then chartered a course to Mongolia to experience the country for ourselves.



We’re always looking ahead, and in this book it’s a treat to look back and see what it takes to build something big. Having an appreciation for your history makes for a better future.



This is a story about humble beginnings and eventual personal success – despite the Spanish Inquisition. (Cathedral by the Sea)



For years Warren would hold on to so much in his life, creating a ball of stress. This book helped him to see the importance of letting go and focusing on the good in life – and there is a lot of good.



Can you imagine losing your sight in your 40s? Ingrid has Retinitis Pigmentosa, and this personal memoir of how she discovered the disease and how it has affected her and her family will indeed give you focus.





Love that transcends time, ignores the wrinkles and age spots, and sees reality as a mirror of the heart – this is a beautiful book about love and loss and forever chasing what you really want.



My favorite characters in this book are the Indian doctor couple who come to Ethiopia to work in the hospital. Their attitudes toward their work and each other will make you want to be a better human.



This is a book about choice – leaving the comforts of the world as you know it to pursue something different. As expected, this book speaks to us. And it is also the reason we went to Scotland.



This is the single best asset for us when we started our first business together. It taught us the importance of building consistency and gave us the tools to create the business we have built today.



Sometimes life decisions are unpopular or misunderstood. This is the story of one such decision and how it impacted one woman’s life. Your choices have consequences, and this is a good reminder.



We love books that show the interconnectedness of life, history, and people. When you realize how much we have in common, it’s hard not to want to make the world a better place.



We uncovered a desire to explore the Pacific and an interest in living on an island for a few months. A lighthearted read which opened up a new appreciation for conveniences.



This book inspired Warren to learn more about each culture he visits and to challenge any preconceived ideas he may have. It is an eyeopening account to a part of the world most of us know little about.



This is feminism on steroids, told from the vantage point of Ahab’s wife. The adventures are incredible, and it was a big inspiration for Betsy to go wandering the world and making my own way.



Warren found a new love of hiking and exploring the mountains while reading this in Peru. It has inspired some fantastic hikes and created a new passion in us both.



Do The Work is Betsy’s go-to book on Resistance and fighting through it to get the most desired results in your life. When you feel the tug of resistance it is often the sign you are close to the magic.



Another book on magical realism, this time showing the connectedness of people who share a common history or event. While we all have individual experiences, learning about the collective experience is also valuable.



This inspired Betsy in her 20s to start thinking about life in a completely different way. “I thought I was grown up, but this book taught me I still had a lot of growing up to do (and could choose the direction of my path).”



An excellent resource for writers looking to expand their creativity. We both enjoyed the blend of history with fiction and learned more about the art of storytelling.



After receiving this as a gift from his mother, Warren learned the motto he lives by to this day “Live life with no regrets”. A book that shaped him early in life and still holds a big part of his heart.



Each of us will be impacted by cancer in our lives. This biography of the disease is a powerful tale of what we’ve learned and how far we’ve come. An excellent primer in combating one of humanity’s deadliest diseases.



Warren discovered a passion for Morocco as well as the importance of not just understanding the culture when you live in another country, but also the beauty of embracing it.



We love this book for what it teaches about travel, that the biggest journey is actually inside yourself.



Each time we’ve read the story we are touched by a different aspect of Carroll’s world. Most recently we love the metaphor of following the white rabbit down the hole to discover a new path available for our lives.



Provides practical and detailed steps to creating the action plan for your dream life. It has inspired hundred to define their dream and take the steps to make it come true.

How to Get the Most Out of Married with Luggage

You speak differently when you’re talking to your mate, your parents, and your coworkers. It doesn’t change who you are or what you have to say, but it does show that you recognize the different needs of the people receiving your message.

Your mom might listen for hours, but your boss wants the info short and sweet. You can analyze things with your friends over a glass of wine or have a light-hearted conversation with your coworkers in the break room.

It’s the same for us. We want to share ideas and tactics on living closer to your dream, and we do this in a variety of ways: the 500+ articles on this site, our books, videos, Facebook, and in our weekly newsletter. Some people consume all of them because they like the way the message is reinforced. Others prefer one over the others, and that’s cool, too.

If you think each one is the same, think again. Here’s a little cheat sheet to help you get the most out of this site.

How to Get the Most Out of Married with Luggage:

Website: You can get a new article on personal growth every week. These come in the form of how-to guides, interviews with inspiring people, or life lessons from our travels. This is what we’d call “evergreen” content that is helpful anytime. You can pop by the website and read it or sign up to have it delivered via email or RSS feed.
Weekly email: Every Sunday morning we arrive in your inbox with a more casual letter from us, an original article inspired by what happened the previous week, updates on reader success stories, and fun extras like Warren’s recent 5-part garage decluttering video series (yes, he really cleaned out someone else’s garage just to make videos for you!). It’s a more personal connection and completely different from the blog, if you’re into that sort of thing (and we are!). Click here to get it delivered via email. Click here to read the last edition to see if it’s right for you.
Facebook: Need a fun or inspiring start to your day? These short bites of inspiration or instruction are exactly that and include funny and beautiful photos from our travels. Click here to Like us on Facebook.
Google+: If you’re following us here, you’ll get first notice on our live Google + Hangouts, which are video chats where you can ask questions via chat after a 20-minute lesson on some aspect of personal growth or dream achievement. This is our newest feature and one we think is going to be a big hit. Circle us on Google+ here.
YouTube: We like making videos for you, and these 5-minute chats add to the topics of personal growth on the website. Subscribe to our YouTube channel and you’ll get videos as soon as they are uploaded along with the replay videos from our Google + Hangouts chats as soon as they become available.
Budgeting: Is your dream long-term travel like ours? Find out how much we spend every month as well as tips for traveling on a budget at our RTW Expenses website.

The message of personal empowerment and living your dream is important, and we want easy access to the this information.

If you want to know more about a specific subject, we have books to help with that. You can find all of our books here, and you can buy them in paperback or ebook.

Dream Save Do: An Action Plan for Dreamers
Getting Rid of It: Eliminate the Clutter in Your Life
Strip Off Your Fear: Slip Into Something More Confident

What’s Coming Up

This spring we’ll be releasing our video podcast series on creating the life you want.
Later this year we’ll be announcing our virtual retreat, and it will be an option for deeper learning and access to our help in creating your own Dream Action Plan – all from the comfort of your own home.
We have a few other things on the agenda, like a book of relationship lessons and an on-site dreamer’s retreat in an exotic locale in 2014. (We keep dreaming bigger so you can, too.)

So take what works best for you, invest in more focused topics as you need them, and know that we are always on hand to share our experience, knowledge, and resources for creating the life you want out of the life you already have.

(Don’t worry, this reminder doesn’t replace the weekly article. Heads up for that on Friday!)

5 Practical Steps to Asking for What You Want

Last night we hosted our first live video event and had a great time doing it. During the 50 minute discussion we:

Discussed the importance of asking for what you want and provided 5 actionable steps you can take
Provided a sneak peak at an early version of our new web show intro video
Answered reader questions about relationships and staying motivated

We enjoyed being able to share more insights into how to carve the life you want from the life you already have. During the course of the video we referenced a few links and resources to help you in your process:

More practical information on “The Art of The Ask” is included in our book, Dream Save Do: An Action Plan for Dreamers.
Shelly asked if we ever fought and we discussed our biggest fight in Scotland
Learn how asking for what you want can lead to big experiences
Doug wanted insight into finding someone to share his dream with and we discussing finding people with similar interests at Meetup.com
In response to Rodney’s question on online businesses, here are 50 ideas for side businesses you can start.

If you cannot view the link below, click here to see it on YouTube.

We want everyone who has a dream to go after it. Help us spread the word by sharing this post with fellow dreamers in your life by clicking on the Facebook share button below.

Your Action Plan for Dreamers has Arrived

Hot off the presses! Get your copy of Dream Save Do: An Action Plan for Dreamers, in print or ebook today. Already read it? We’d love to hear what you think in a public review. Click here to leave one on Amazon.

If you regularly daydream about a life that is different from the one you’re living today, pay attention. This is gonna get juicy.

You probably never get past the daydreaming part because you simply don’t know where to start and what actions to take every day, much less figuring out how you’re going to pay for it all.

On top of that, there’s the worry about how to tell other people – out loud! – that you want to be a ghost hunter / tornado chaser / scrapbooker / spelunker / inventor / geocacher / robot builder / letterpress printer / entrepreneur / writer / chef / traveler or whatever else you’re dreaming of.

What will people think?

It’s enough to stop you dead in your tracks, waiting for the “some day” that will somehow be better than today to chase your dream.

(You’re probably wondering when I’m going to get to the good news. Coming right up!)

The truth is, there is never a “good” time to follow your dreams. While that might sound depressing, it’s actually very good news. It means there is no better time than now – lickity split, pronto! pronto! – to take action on that dream.

Now is the Time

All you need need is an action plan, and we’ve created one for you in the second edition of our book, Dream Save Do: An Action Plan for Dreamers.

The book is $9.99 in ebook format (Kindle, Nook, and iTunes) and $12.99 in paperback format. It is the closest thing you’ll get to actually sitting down with us and hashing out your dream without a passport and a plane ticket.

This book is the action plan we used to change our lives from corporate ladder climbers to world travelers in just 2 years and how countless other people have achieved their goals since we published the first version of this book in 2011.

But you shouldn’t just take our word for it, even though we have trustworthy, honest faces.

Take the word of Beth, a woman who used this Action Plan for Dreamers to take her side business to full-time status within 6 months, kissing her lame day job goodbye. Not only can she support herself and her son, she actually has employees! Beth focused her energy on making this dream happen, and along the way she even landed a book deal. (Yes, your dreams can get bigger as you go. It’s allowed.)
Listen to Matt, who failed in his first attempt to take a family sabbatical while his kids were still young. He used the Action Plan for Dreamers to recalibrate his goals, include his family in the planning process, and even create some side income along the way. At the time of this writing, he and his family just returned from a life-changing 3-month trip to Indonesia, and they have bigger plans ahead for their family.
Check out Samantha, who loved making fancy cakes for her friends but never thought she’d be able to have her own cake shop. She took our “take the first step” approach of simply calling about the requirements before ruling it out on her own assumptions, and she was shocked to find it would only take her 6 weeks to start selling cakes from her own kitchen! Little Avenue Cakes was born, and she’s been the hottest cake decorator in her corner of Australia ever since.
Do you think you’re going to go against the flow? Then Akiyo’s story might resonate with you. As she was finishing her Ph.D., she decided to rethink her life and how this structured lecturer’s job was going to fit with her bipolar disorder. She used the Action Plan for Dreamers to set up a lifestyle that fit her specific needs instead of trying to fit her needs into  ready-made lifestyle. People thought she might be crazy to walk away from a sure thing, and now the only crazy in her unconventional life is crazy happy.
Family and friends make it harder to change sometimes – they want to keep you as you are because that’s what they know. But if you have a dream you’ve been holding for 20 years or more, you’ll appreciate Brenda’s story. She took a job layoff and turned it into a job teaching overseas, which was her biggest dream. The thing that had been keeping her back before was her dad, who didn’t want her to leave. Learn how she finally made the break without breaking the relationship after 20 years of being pressured to stay.

These are 5 of the case studies in the book, stories from people just like you who wanted to do something different with their lives and finally made it happen: logistically, financially, emotionally, and socially.

You can do it, too.  

What’s in it for you

This edition has 33% more content based on reader questions, comments, and stories from the past 4 years. It’s even available in print now, which was a frequent request.

You’ll find real-life stories from other people, insights into our own experience, and studies on happiness and achieving goals. You’ll dive deeper into dreams and how to envision the one that fits you perfectly. You’ll discover how your money can work for you instead of against you. You’ll learn about motivation, screwing up, and automating things so it’s easier. You’ll also learn a lot about what it’s like to achieve a big dream and the mental and emotional lessons that will stay with you for life.

But most of all, it’s the Action Plan to make your dream a reality in the no-BS, conversational style you’re used to from us.

What else do you need to convince you now is the time?

A sample chapter
Answers to your burning questions
Reviews from other people

If you’re looking for an overnight success or a lot of navel gazing and contemplation, this isn’t for you. But if you think something is missing in your life and you want to do something about it right this minute, this is the plan you’ve been waiting for.

Of course we want you to buy the book. But more than that, we hope you’ll take action on your biggest dream today and every day after until it is your reality.

You deserve nothing less.

Do you know someone who needs to hear this message? Please share this post with a friend who has a dream but is struggling with how to make it happen.

How I Handled My Naysayers (And Fell In Love With My Life)

We are pleased to share this guest post from reader, writer, and traveler Gigi Griffis. Today’s topic, dealing with the naysayers to your dream, is a great lead in for our upcoming release of the second edition of Dream Save Do. Be sure to sign up for our newsletter to receive advance notice of the release and the first chapter from the book. 

I’ve had nay-sayers in my life for as long as I can remember.

You know the ones: the well-intentioned friends, family, and even strangers who are concerned that if you start a business at 26, you’ll fail spectacularly and become a homeless vagabond. Or if you quit your job and travel the world for a year, you’ll get malaria and be eaten by a crocodile (possibly at the same time). Or if you get that English degree, you’ll work at Wendy’s for forever.

They mean well (usually), these nay-sayers. Or at least I like to think that they do. They want you to be financially secure, to have a roof over your head, to live a long, healthy life.

But they don’t get it. They don’t get that a long and healthy life isn’t enough for you. That you also want to scale that mountain peak, jump off the ledge, change the world.

They also don’t get that their feedback can wear on you. That they’re making obstacles where perhaps none existed before.

So…how do you deal with them gracefully? How do you take that deep breath, push through their wall of doubts, and leap into your dreams?

Perhaps my story will help:

Nearly ten years ago now, I was sitting on the floor of my dorm room crying my eyes out. I wanted desperately to be a writer—and, in keeping with that goal, I wanted to change my major to English. But, oh, the nay-saying! Older, wiser people that I trusted were vehemently against the idea. Why would I change my major to English when I could do something practical?

“You’ll never get a good job!” (They cried.)

“Major in something practical!” (They begged.)

“That starving artist thing isn’t a joke!” (They scolded.)

I battled for a long time on that floor, eventually deciding to do what I loved, even if it was the longer, harder road and no one but me believed in it.

It was my first hard lesson: to trust my heart and to beware anyone who says “always” or “never.”

Fast-forward a few years: I was then working as a copywriter at an ad agency. I loved the writing. I loved the clients. But I was tired of working late into the night, feeling constantly tired, spending my time and resources building someone else’s business. My heart said that it was time to start my own business. And as I quietly, then boldly, announced my dream, the nay-sayers grew wide-eyed and began to outline the lengthy list of why It Would Never Work.

“You’re too young,” was the most common nay-say, followed by some variation of: “Most businesses fail in the first two years.”

This time, there were no tears on the bedroom floor. This time I felt the fear, I recognized the anxiety, I listened politely to the nay-sayers, and then I politely dismissed them from my business.

After all, none of these people had started their own businesses. Let alone at the age of 26.

This was my second, less difficult lesson: you can choose whose opinions matter. And, for me, it makes sense to choose people who are living their own dreams, following their own hearts, living the life they choose. I chose not to make other people’s fears my own.

I also learned that it gets easier. The more you follow your dreams, the more you build confidence in your ability to make those dreams happen. And the less the nay-sayers weigh on you.

I hired someone to design my new business website that week.

Finally, fast-forward with me once more to 2011, when I’d been successfully self-employed for a whole year.

I was dreaming again: dreaming of taking my small business and my small dog and traveling around the world.

Boy, did those nay-sayers not like that idea.

But this time I was ready for them. When they said that traveling with a dog was impossible or that I’d lose all my clients or that I wouldn’t be able to work, what with all the distractions of Scotland or Paris or Prague, I listened politely and promptly forgot about their objections.

Because by then I knew that just because they presented a problem, didn’t mean I couldn’t find a solution. Just because they were afraid to leap off the edge and into their dreams, didn’t mean I had to be.

Which brings me to today:

Today I am in Paris. I still have my successful little small business. I am a writer. And I travel full-time with my dog.

So when it comes to your nay-sayers, remember that it isn’t their life. It’s yours. All yours. And what you do with it and how you do it is all yours too.

And also remember that your nay-sayers are people. They’re nay-saying because they’re scared. And the best way to handle them? Kindly thank them for their input and continue your course. And when they timidly peek their own dreams out into the light, be there to encourage them to battle past their own fears and nay-sayers.

Your life will be all the richer for it.

Author Bio:  Gigi Griffis is a writer and humorist with a penchant for snuggly puppies, new places, and Italian cooking. In May 2012, she sold her stuff and took to the road with a growing business and a pint-sized pooch. You can read all about her adventures on her travel blog, you can hire her to write awesome stuff for your website, and she’d love to be friends on Facebook. 

How to Change Your Life at Any Age: An Interview with Singer Serenity Stewart

You’re into you, but you’re into you for all the wrong reasons. ~ Serenity Stewart

There were 2 bath towels soaked with blood before Serenity Stewart thought there might be a real problem. She was working as the administrator for a very large gynecology practice in Arizona, and she didn’t have time to be sick. The recurring nosebleeds she’d been battling for weeks had turned into a full-blown fountain of blood from every opening in her head.

Her sister finally took her to the ER, and it turned out she had a brain aneurysm. As a 50-year-old working single mom of  4, she says she just didn’t have time for this back in 2005. She just wanted the doctor to fix her up and send her home. He tried explaining the severity of her condition and the next steps, and instead of paying attention, she asked for some loose leaf paper so she could hand write her will.

Blood was pouring from her ears and she was still focused on taking care of other people.

She thought she was going to die, and no one was more surprised than her when she woke up.

Several days later she was sent home to rest. Doctor’s orders were to relax and recover, and she couldn’t stand it. She worried about work and her kids and “wasting time.” After watching a few Jack Nicholson movies, she began thinking about her life. After a while, she couldn’t stop thinking about her life.

She kept coming back to the same question about her overworked, under-lived lifestyle:

Why am I doing this?

Childhood Dreams

Serenity has a voice like an angel, but her mom always told her, “I think you could stand up to the devil.” With this kind of fearless attitude, you’d think she would have pursued her love of singing and become world famous long before her 50th birthday. Her family was musical – her mom an opera singer and her dad a pianist – but even those good genes and a desire to sing weren’t enough.

Instead of heading to Broadway, she fell in love, got married, became a mother, got divorced, and turned her ambition into something “reliable” to support her family. She was very successful in all outward appearances: an important job managing a big group of physicians, a nice place to live, money to give her kids a good education, and even the frills like great clothes and nice meals out.

But she still wasn’t singing except for her twice-daily performances in the car on the way to and from work.

Evaluating the Situation

As she restlessly stayed at home recovering from her aneurysm, she began focusing on herself for perhaps the first time in her life. She decided to finish out a few weeks at work and take a sabbatical. There was a lot to consider, and she needed time away to process what happened to her – both the brain injury and how she got so far from her biggest dream.

I had to shed all the hats I’d been wearing to find the real me. I hadn’t thought about myself like that in a very long time.

She traveled to California to visit a friend, and he offered her a trip on his boat. She ended up spending a year and a good chunk of her savings living there and thinking about her life, journaling and looking for what was real and what was manufactured. Those introspective moments on the boat led her to this conclusion:

“I should do what I’m here to do before it’s too late.”

Serenity realized her ability to sing was only a talent, one she had been hoarding for herself. To truly see it as a gift – the way she had seen it as a child – she had to actually give it to other people. This meant overcoming all her lifelong fears of not being good enough (a common ailment of over-achievers) as well as the societal pressure of being too old to start singing professionally.

She had to crack open the tough outer shell she created to preserve herself for all these years of hard-scrabble single parenthood and work. If this was going to work, she was going to have to be vulnerable.

Chasing the Dream

She began shedding her current life, learning to live without all the possessions and status symbols she craved before. Stripping it down to the essentials was her new status quo, and she reveled in the clarity it brought to her life. She kept asking herself:

“Am I really this person? Who was I meant to be?”

It started out as a personal project, singing simply to share her talent. She sang at churches, joined choirs, and gained experience performing. She worked her voice every day. She bought equipment piece by piece as she had the funds – microphones, amps, recording equipment.

As she continued focusing her life on this dream one small step at a time, she thought of a simpler era, times when war and other overriding concerns caused people to focus on what was truly important: love, loss, and pulling together. As Serenity created more simplicity in her own life, she began singing the songs from the 40s. She dressed in clothes of the time, showing just how attractive a woman of any age can be when she’s following her dream. She began playing gigs around town.

Her partner – now her fiancé – encouraged her to finally set up a budget and record a CD of these torch songs. He told her she was ready, something she already knew, and she took the final plunge of investing in herself by going to Las Vegas and recording a CD.

Serenity’s Take on How to Change your Life at Any Age:

Most people are holding themselves back. Ask yourself these questions: Who am I? Is this all there is? Is this all I want? Am I happy with me? Am I happy with my life? If the answer to any of these questions is not pleasing to you, it’s up to you to fix it.
There’s no magic pill. It’s still about you doing the work on the soul and spirit of you. Unlock the childhood trauma and lessons that weren’t ever real. They leave a residual effect, and you have clean the chalkboard and start all over.
Slow down. It was the brain injury that forced Serenity to stop, and she says without it, she might never have done it. She was too busy living to really live. Take some time for yourself to figure out what you want and what you don’t. It’s far more important than Facebook, television, or housework.
Stop taking responsibility for everyone else. They like having you do it, but they are often more than capable of doing it for themselves. Allow them – and you – the growth experience.
Say what you mean. She says she was “shut off” before as she worked for everyone else, but now she’s “turned on” for herself. This means saying no when she doesn’t want to do something and learning to ask for what she wants without shame. Not everyone is going to like it, and they don’t have to.

Living the Dream

Serenity is still amazed at the outpouring of support for her CD, P.S. I Love You. She’s been performing regularly ever since, giving the gift of her talents and finally realizing the happiness she’d been sitting on for so long. Serenity is working on a new CD and even planning a European tour this spring. She never imagined her life could turn out this way, especially at 56, and she’s glad she took the time to finally focus on herself.

It’s not too late for her, and it’s not too late for you.

I don’t feel guilty. I have adopted a sense of entitlement to my life. ~ Serenity Stewart

Do you think you’re too old to live your dream? Give yourself a wakeup call with our book, Dream Save Do: An Action Plan for Dreamers. Buy it today on Kindle and get the updated second edition automatically when it is published on February 15.

Find the Right People to Increase Your Creativity

After 3+ months, today we are leaving the US to head to Mexico for our next adventure. We are looking forward to a few months of new writing projects, expanding our Spanish, and immersing ourselves into the culture. In addition, we’re excited about a new endeavor to create our own modern day version of the salons of old, which is intended to provide “informal gatherings where people talk big talk, talk meant to be listened to and perhaps passionately acted upon.”

Surrounding yourself is people who share your passion and interests will help to spur your own creativity and help keep you motivated and on track as you follow your dream. In today’s video we provide a bit more insight into the value of regularly getting together with others to exchange ideas and talk passionately about what you care about most.

You Don’t Have to Be a RockStar to Be Famous (but it Helps to Travel with the Band)

Warren and I crammed ourselves into the back of the car while our friend Russ loaded his Fender bass guitar case on our laps. The amp and the speaker were in the hatch, and Russ’s wife Michelle was in the front passenger seat. It was Saturday night, and we were on our way to a gig.

We love hanging out with creative people of all types, but our early-bird nature usually means we are tucked away in bed at the time most musicians are just going to work. This night was different, and we were excited to watch Russ perform with his band, Secret Town.

Russ pulled the car to the curb, turned on the hazard lights and we began to unload equipment. I looked at Warren and said, “we’re roadies!” We carried the equipment to the stage, where Russ directed the unloading and positioning of equipment and introduced us to the opening act. We found a table near the front, ordered our drinks, and set up the camera to take photos and video for the band’s website.

How we Got the Gig

Before we get to the show, I should explain how we all met and why we were together again.

Russ and Michelle began reading our website when they first began planning their own year of travel in 2009. Russ reached out to ask us a few logistical questions, and we became casual online friends.

When they arrived in Thailand a year ago, we finally met in person and really hit it off – so much so that they stayed for a month at our guesthouse. Six months later, we met up again at a farmhouse in Slovenia for a week of hiking and relaxation. We love these guys, so we made it a point to see them again during our US visit.

Russ has an encyclopedic knowledge of music, plays 5 instruments, and has an easygoing personality. He’s the kind of guy you could envision playing a ukelele under a big tree on a summer day while singing folk songs (which he did in Slovenia).

What Russ really missed in the year he and Michelle traveled the world was playing music with other people. He’s an IT guy by trade, but a musician at heart. It’s an essential component to his happiness, so the first thing he did upon returning home to San Francisco was join a new band.

Russ’s dream is to play music, and he makes sure his life fits around this dream.

The Perks of Being with the Band

Which brings us back to last Saturday night. Russ is building a website for the band, and he can’t very well take his own pictures while playing. We spent a very enjoyable evening hooting, hollering, singing along, and taking pictures and videos. We were the roadies and photographers of the night, and it was fun to see our friend playing with a professional band.

The pictures don’t lie; he was enjoying the hell out it.

At 1:00 a.m. we packed up the equipment and began walking toward the door. A group of guys came in and saw me with the big Fender case and said, “Are you guys done playing?”

They thought I was part of the band!

I mustered up as much cool as I could and casually told them the show was over. Then I kept walking like it happened to me every single day of my life. Just another fan at another gig on another night. It felt GREAT to be a rockstar for about 15 seconds and gave me a tiny little peek into what it’s like to be a working musician in a great city like San Francisco.

We were there to support Russ, to see him shine as he pursued his one big love besides Michelle, and use Warren’s skills as a photographer and videographer to help Russ promote his band. But we didn’t expect the secret thrill of being “with the band” and getting an inside look at the life of a musician.

Be the Roadie for Your Friends

When you support other people in the achieving or living of their dreams, some of the magic will naturally rub off on you. You can’t help it. Your friend is doing big things, you’re lending your talents to support or help in some small way, and there is good juju all around.

Dale Carnegie famously said if you help enough people get what they want, you’ll get what you want. In this case, we played a very small role in the night, but the law still applies. You don’t give to receive, but you can’t stop the goodness from washing all over you. It’s a proximity thing.

Remember, it’s not just the pursuit of your own dreams that will make you happy. Support someone else – even if it’s just carrying their equipment – and you’ll get the brush with fame that comes from being with the band.

Dream Like a Child Again

Remember those days when you wanted to be an astronaut, dig your way to China, or become a professional athlete? As a kid, you didn’t know you couldn’t be what you wanted. When someone asked, you simply told them: “I want to be president.”

It isn’t until we reach adulthood that we begin making excuses, visualizingobstacles, and giving in to what’s available instead of what we want. It took Warren and me almost 30 years to recapture the dreams of our 8-year-old selves. A visit to Warren’s mom this week in Colorado reminded us how we had come full circle.

Transcript

March 19, 1979: The Train That Went Around the World

Once upon a time there was a little train and he liked to travel. One day he said to himself: “I want to go around the world.” So he went home and asked his mother and father. They both said, “Yes.” So he kissed them and he was off around the world. He did not get back til March 29, 1979. When he got back he told all friends about the big trip. The End.

It’s pretty amazing that a guy who ended up traveling the world in his 40s had the first germ of the idea when he was just 8 (even if he mistakenly believed he could do it in just 10 days).

You probably have dreams like that, too. Maybe you were a train or a princess or a monster, but you can remember what you wanted so much back then. I read the Boxcar Children books as a kid and always imagined living lean and by my own wits while solving great mysteries. My life today is not too far off the mark.

We are often asked how you know what you want to do with your life:

According to the Center for Disease Control, about 4 out of 10 Americans have not discovered a satisfying life purpose. Forty percent either do not think their lives have a clear sense of purpose or are neutral about whether their lives have purpose. Nearly a quarter of Americans feel neutral or do not have a strong sense of what makes their lives meaningful. ~ The Atlantic, There’s More to Life Than Being Happy

Dream Like a Child

One clue, a start down the path, would be to revisit your childhood dreams. What did you want to do back then, even if it is so fantastical you know it couldn’t happen today? Whatever it is, it will reveal the root of what got you so excited at age 8 and what can reinvigorate you today.

Tell us in the comments: What did you want to do when you were 8?

Every week we tackle dreaming in a practical way in our newsletter. Sign up here for your non-caffeinated but totally energized Sunday morning life wake-up. (Coffee not included.)