Christina Bauer's Blog, page 86
January 22, 2014
B&N Readers: Angelbound is Today’s 99-Cent Nook Daily Find
Sooooooooooo excited to be today’s Nook Daily Find! Huge thanks to the teams at INscribe and Barnes & Noble for making this happen!
# # #
PRESS RELEASE: Today Only! Angelbound is the 99-Cent Nook Daily Find at Barnes & Noble
NEWTON, Mass. – September 23, 2014 – Ink Monster LLC, publisher of new adult romance books in genres of sci-fi, fantasy, urban fantasy, and paranormal romance, today announced that Angelbound has been selected as the Nook Daily Find by retail powerhouse Barnes & Noble, and will be heavily promoted across its internet and Nook properties for a one-day price of 99 cents. Some facts about the scope of this opportunity:
Barnes & Noble has more than 40 million customers.
Barnes & Noble has a 27% share of the eBook market and sells three times as many eBooks as compared to physical books online.
Barnes & Noble sells more than 1 million unique book titles every year.
“Considering the million-plus titles carried by Barnes & Noble, it’s a huge honor to selected for their Nook Daily Find,” says Aileen Latcham, Editorial Monster. “We’re thrilled to achieve this new level of partnership with a major retailer.”
At Ink Monster, each book series includes a minimum of three titles across a regular schedule of release dates. The next installment of the Angelbound series (Angelbound: Scala) is due for release on May 13, 2014. More details on Ink Monster’s unique publishing approach may be found in the company’s manifesto. Additional information on Angelbound is listed below.
To find out more, visit www.InkMonster.net. To sign up for the company’s newsletter, please complete the form here.
About Angelbound by Christina Bauer
Eighteen-year-old Myla Lewis is a girl who loves two things: kicking ass and kicking ass. She’s not your every day quasi-demon, half-demon and half-human, girl. For the past five years, Myla has lived for the days she gets to fight in Purgatory’s arena. When souls want a trial by combat for their right to enter heaven or hell, they go up against her, and she hasn’t lost a battle yet.
But as she starts her senior year at Purgatory High, the arena fights aren’t enough to keep her spirits up anymore. When the demons start to act weird, even for demons, and the King of the Demons, Armageddon, shows up at Myla’s school, she knows that things are changing and it’s not looking good for the quasi-demons. Myla starts to question everything, and doesn’t like the answers she finds. What happened seventeen years ago that turned the quasi-demons into slave labor? Why was her mom always so sad? And why won’t anyone tell her who her father is? Things heat up when Myla meets Lincoln, the High Prince of the Thrax, a super sexy half-human and half-angel demon hunter. But what’s a quasi-demon girl to do when she falls for a demon hunter? It’s a good thing that Myla’s not afraid of breaking a few rules. With a love worth fighting for, Myla’s going to shake up Purgatory.
For more information, visit the Angelbound page on Barnes & Noble.
About Angelbound: Scala by Christina Bauer
Nineteen-year-old Myla Lewis has transformed into the Great Scala, the only being with the power to move human souls to Heaven or Hell. Although she no longer fights demons in the Arena, Myla still has tons of ass-kicking to do as she redefines the afterlife and rebuilds Purgatory’s government. Unfortunately, her world falls apart faster than she can put it together. An enemy out of Myla’s past is sapping her powers, making her weaker by the day. As her true enemy becomes clear, Myla discovers that all the after-realms are at risk. After losing so much power, does she still have the strength to save her world?
To pre-order Angelbound: Scala, visit B&N today.
About Ink Monster
Ink Monster LLC publishes new adult romance books in the genres of sci-fi, fantasy, urban fantasy, and paranormal romance. The Company follows a studio model with teams of authors developing story-worlds under the umbrella of Ink Monster intellectual property. Ink Monster’s first two books, Angelbound and Becoming Alpha, launch on December 17, 2013. For more information, visit www.InkMonster.net.
About Barnes & Noble, Inc.
Barnes & Noble, Inc. (NYSE:BKS) is a Fortune 500 company and the leading retailer of content, digital media and educational products. The company operates 673 Barnes & Noble bookstores in 50 states, and one of the Web’s largest e-commerce sites, BN.com (www.bn.com). Its NOOK Media LLC subsidiary is a leader in the emerging digital reading and digital education markets. The NOOK digital business offers award-winning NOOK® products and an expansive collection of digital reading and entertainment content through the NOOK Store® (www.nook.com), while Barnes & Noble College Booksellers, LLC operates 695 bookstores serving over 4.6 million students and faculty members at colleges and universities across the United States. Barnes & Noble is proud to be named a J.D. Power and Associates 2012 Customer Service Champion and is only one of 50 U.S. companies so named. Barnes & Noble.com is ranked the number one online retailer in customer satisfaction in the book, music and video category and a Top 10 online retailer overall in customer satisfaction according to ForeSee E-Retail Satisfaction Index (Spring Top 100 Edition).
General information on Barnes & Noble, Inc. can be obtained via the Internet by visiting the company’s corporate website: www.barnesandnobleinc.com.
###Copyright © 2013 Ink Monster LLC. All Rights Reserved. All other brand names, product names, or trademarks belong to their respective holders.
Media Inquiries: PR@inkmonster.net
The post B&N Readers: Angelbound is Today’s 99-Cent Nook Daily Find appeared first on Ink Monster.
January 21, 2014
THAT DAY I SMELLED SO GOOD by Ruby the Dog
by Ruby the Dog
I shall never forget that day
That amazing, unbelievable day when I smelled sooooooooo good
The humans took me on a boat ride to Salem, Massachusetts
I got off the shaky-wierd vessel and walked on my leash like a good little girl.
But then…
There was a great green field
And no one around
Mmmmmm, summer
I was so excited.
Watch me Jump! Jump, jump, JUMP!
Hear my short, happy barks! Ruff! Ruff!
The man-human took pity on me and let me off my leash.
What a fool he was,
Playing right into my master plan.
I raced across the field, just as the humans expected
But then, at the end of the green, there was a small beach
And the water there was at…
LOW TIDE.
Ah, the lovely piles of muckity muck all around!
How I rolled in them, sniffed them, barking my joyous song of stink!
The humans were too afraid to wade through the gunk and get me
Oh, what fools they were to miss this fun.
Then I met Fishy, my little dead scaly friend.
Shall we play together, fishy fish? May I roll on you?
Thank you, don’t mind if I do.
WEEEEEEEEEE!!! Hey, there’s your eye!
Finally, the man-human offered me a pizza bone
So I left Fishy behind and accepted servitude on my torturous leash
The humans had to wait for hours until the next boat ride back home and to the inevitable bathtub
But until then, I was the greatest-smelling doggie in the universe!
How the other dogs envied my stench
My walk was a saunter, a prance, a dance of elation
For one glorious afternoon, I was ultimate in putrid dog.
Oh yes, that was my day
The low-ride day
The day I smelled sooooooooooo good.
Also About Ruby the Dog:
6 Crazy-Cool things About Ruby the Dog
Why Ruby the Dog is a Frustrated Author
Ode to a Spatula, a poem by Ruby the Dog
Mother-Effing Squirrels, another poem by Ruby the Dog
The post THAT DAY I SMELLED SO GOOD by Ruby the Dog appeared first on Ink Monster.
January 17, 2014
Starbuck’s New Menu: What’s Good and What Sucks From Someone Who Knows Far Too Much About This
You may have noticed that Starbucks got a new menu, something with a pink faux-logo called Patisserie or Boulangerie or some shizz like that. If you read my posts, you may also have noticed that I spend an inordinate amount of time at Starbucks. So, I thought some of you may benefit from my obsessing over every detail of this new menu.
With that in mind, here goes…
Still around: Breakfast Sandwiches
Thank. God.
These are a good anytime meal and at a reasonable # of calories each, they taste a lot better than they deserve to. So, that’s awesome.
New and Mind-Blowing: Chocolate Chip Croissants
These are super-yummy, not too caloric, and taste especially awesome warmed up. Woo hoo! Color me happy. Pro tip: These fly of the shelves fast, so grab them if they’re there. The regular croissants are okay too, if you want to be a treat-pussy.
Total Bummer: The Muffins
In the new menu, there is this huge attempt to hide the fact that muffins are, in fact, the worst thing you can eat (far worse than donuts) by camouflaging said muffins as a ‘loaf’ or some kind of a ‘muffin-let.’ And even at these mini sizes, they’re still like 10,000 calories each. WTF? What goes into muffins anyway? I mean, donuts are deep fried—and then dipped in frosting—and they aren’t as bad. Which just makes you think: when I was eating a muffin as big as my head, what was that? Like two big macs worth of calories? :::shiver:::
Answer: best not to contemplate that shit.
But still, if I want a muffin, I want a goddamn muffin, not a muffin-let or a mini-loaf that doesn’t really scratch my itch to nosh. So net-net, this is a total bummer, but I more blame the new laws stating that stores have to show caloric content than the Starbucks kitchen itself. Some things were just sweeter when you didn’t know.
The New Little Pastry Square Things
These are OK, I guess. But they aren’t really a meal and they aren’t really a treat and they look weird. Like someone’s girlfriend at corporate used to date some guy who thought this was cool once when he saw it at a fake patisserie in LA. So there. For some reason, I feel very strongly that they do not belong in New England (aka Ink Monster HQ.)
Mother-Fucking Terrible: The Cookies
Okay, so the new menu-shtick here is that everything you can now buy from the pastry case can be heated up. Woo hoo. Unfortunately, the heating process does ZERO to cover up the nasty, cheap, high school cafeteria-style cookies that are now served in Starbucks. Here’s why:
The cookies come in individual plastic baggies, just like Grandma used to make. Oh wait, Grandma never did that shit because she wasn’t a FUCKING FACTORY. WTH?
They are of uniform shape, aka perfectly round with a neat, arched top. To this, I say no no no no no! A good cookie should look hand-made with rough edges and big chocolate chips, especially if I’m about to pay $9 for it. Put a little effort into this, people!
When it comes to taste, the Hostess Elves have it all over the new Starbuck’s cookies. For reals. What is the world coming to? If I wanted a puck-shaped mouthful of sawdust, I’d eat a puck-shaped mouthful of sawdust. Nuff said.
Long story short, don’t eat the cookies.
Closing Thoughts
In case you’re wondering, many of your favorites are still there: the cake pops are good, donuts are classics, as are the cheecake brownies, if you like those kind of things. But I’m still nursing as grudge over the muffins and cookies (in case you haven’t noticed). And I won’t even go into the weird pastry square thingies again.
Now, you may think ‘this is a first-world problem and she/I should stop whining about this stuff.’ And I’ll agree with you. Totally. And then, I’ll grab that decent-looking muffin out of your hands and run for it. Go me.
The post Starbuck’s New Menu: What’s Good and What Sucks From Someone Who Knows Far Too Much About This appeared first on Ink Monster.
January 16, 2014
Book Review: IRON FEY Series
The post Book Review: IRON FEY Series appeared first on Ink Monster.
January 14, 2014
MOTHER-EFFING SQUIRRELS by Ruby the Dog
by Ruby the Dog
I see you out there
Going through my human’s trash
Mother. Effing. Squirrels.
You are fat. Smelly. And not too afraid of me.
YET.
This is my yard, you furry little fools,
And although I’m terrified of garbage bags, plastic dogs, Christmas tree lights and statues of Jesus,
I am not afraid of you,
MOTHER. EFFING. SQUIRRELS.
Hear my roar-like bark through the window-thingy at the bottom of this door!
Any moment now, I shall break free from my human’s den, race onto the lawn, and then?
PAYBACK.
Ah, HA!
The woman-human let me out and now I chase thee with abandon
Bark! Bark! Bark! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr-OWL!
Fear me, for I am doggie-death!
Leave my lawn now or I shall…
Hey, did that woman-human drop half a french fry here last week?
Oh yeah, she did.
Cool.
Nom Nom Nom.
DAMN, that was good.
Maybe she dropped some more nearby.
Better sniff around.
Oh.
Hey, squirrels.
You’re still here.
Get back to you in a minute.
Also About Ruby the Dog:
6 Crazy-Cool things About Ruby the Dog
Why Ruby the Dog is a Frustrated Author
Ode to a Spatula, a poem by Ruby the Dog
The post MOTHER-EFFING SQUIRRELS by Ruby the Dog appeared first on Ink Monster.
January 10, 2014
Which Lord Of The Rings is the best?
Unless you’re a Tolkien freak like me, you may not be aware that there are actually three different versions of LOTR out there (2 film and 1 radio). As a public service, I have forthwith ranked them Bronze, Silver and Gold as follows:
The Bronze goes to… The Cartoon LOTR
Guess where this famous shot first appeared?
This animated version was released in 1978 complete with big-eyed Frodo, a badass Aragorn, and quite a few musical numbers, some of which are pretty catchy. It’s worth a watch if you’re an LOTR afficianado, or if you want to see how differently two film directors can reinterpret the same source material (or in some cases, how they can somehow choose the exact same shots!)
For me, the best part of this movie was Aragorn, pure and simple. No offense to Viggo, but in the books Aragon was no hottie, yet he was still super-attractive. The animated LOTR captures this concept handily. And why is that so important to me? Well, the cartoon below says it all:
And the Silver goes to… the PJ LOTR
Now, we come to what many consider to be THE non-print version of LOTR.
Don’t get me wrong, Peter Jackson and his interpretations of Tolkien will continue to separate me from my money for many years to come. And Fellowship of the Ring was freaking phenomenal. I saw it in the theaters 13 times, and caught something new each visit. Look at the little flowers in the Shire gardens! Oooooh, there’s the party tree! And WOW, the orcs look so cool! SQUEEEE!
If the next two movies had kept up that mind-blowing level of awesomeness, I would have been hard pressed not to give this one the Gold. But my favorite parts of the story were missing, and arguably there wasn’t much Peter Jackson could do about it (more on that below.)
Which means the Gold goes to… the BBC LOTR
In 1981, the BBC did a 13-part interpretation of LOTR as a radio play and MAN, does it ever KICK ASS.
IMHO, the reason’s because LOTR was partially inspired by epic poems of the Beowulf ilk, so they’re meant to be performed by a professional storyteller who sits before a roaring fire, weaving spine-tingling tales to an audience filled with mead, ill-gotten treasure, and huzzahs. There’s nothing like having LOTR spoken aloud to bring out those primal, epic roots.
And that, my friends, means a radio play.
The BBC script is also epic in terms of the scale and the skill of its writers. This radio play captures the bittersweet loss that was the underlying theme of LOTR in particular, and Tolkien’s generation in general: the onslaught of the new world over the old. In LOTR, it was the time of the elves and magic folk giving way to the age of men. In Tolkien’s lifetime, it included the Saruman-like wheels of industry that were tearing through the beloved British Shires of Tolkien’s youth. But that’s just for starters.
In LOTR, I think Tolkien was really trying to come to terms with the loss of innocence for an entire generation as a direct result of WWI. In fact, sections of LOTR were written by Tolkien as letters to his son as he served in the WWII-era Royal Air force (for more detail, check out the section entitled ‘Writing’ here.) You can almost feel the text saying, ‘you’re not the first to lose your innocence to Mordor. No matter how impossible, the ring can be destroyed.’
Tolkien himself served as a Lieutenant in WWI (for details, see the ‘WWI’ section here). It’s hard to overplay the effect this experience had on his writing. For example, Gandalf’s famous ‘You shall not pass’ phrase was first said in WWI by the French General Robert Nivelle at the Battle of Verdun. Like Gandalf, it was bravado wording that ultimately ended in sorrow.
I almost hate to point this out, but the only flaw in the otherwise-perfect BBC LOTR is the choice of voiceover artist for Lady Arwen, who sounds like a geriatric Lucille Ball after a martini-n-smokes bender, rather than an otherworldly elf. That said, does any epic storytelling other than Lawrence of Arabia have any business being perfect? I think not.
The post Which Lord Of The Rings is the best? appeared first on Ink Monster.
January 9, 2014
Demonpedia: The Furor
Demonpedia is a regular series where I geek out on one particular demon in the Angelbound world. This week, I’m doing the Furor, which is the ancestral ‘demon type’ for Myla, the main character of Angelbound. Please note that I don’t own these images or claim any copyright for them. This is cool stuff I found on Google or Pinterest that inspired me.
The Furor: pronunced [FYUR-or]
Like ghouls, the Furor exist in a grey area between demon and human. Some of them even consider themselves the highest form of life possible. All Furor can manifest as either a human, a dragon, or somewhere in between. Depending on individual preference, Furor can spend most of their time in one state, while others change frequently. Furor are divided up into tribes depending on their skills and scale color. Firelords, for example, are the ruling tribe and have black scales. Hexenwings are magic users and their tribe is colored grey when in dragon form. Here’s an example of what I think a Hexenwing would look like as a human:
This is what I think a Furor could look like if it decided to hang out between forms. I did a full history for the Furor, and there were times when being all human was in fashion, or all dragon, or half-and-half…
In their human form, all Furor have a tail (like Myla.) But Myla isn’t full Furor, so she doesn’t have body scales or the ability to turn into a dragon. It depends on the tribe, but Furor have different colored body scales based on their tribe, as well as their rank within that tribe. Armscales like these are for leaders:
Of course, the coolest form for the Furor is their dragon form. There are many different types of dragons, and the way they look is somewhat driven by where their orginal habitat was in their homeland of Furonium. Here’s a grey Hexenwing dragon from a mountain range of the same hue:
A forest Furor:
and a water Furor:
I could go into a lot more detail, but that gives you a basic overview…
Any requests out there for what I should cover next time?
The post Demonpedia: The Furor appeared first on Ink Monster.
January 7, 2014
Kicking Ass @Work: Tips for Working Parents
This week, I’m sharing my favorite tips for being a working parent…
To set some context, I’ve been an office-worker-slash-parent for almost ten years, both from home and office settings. (It may be nit-picky, but I think all parents are working parents, which is why I say office worker.) Over time, I’ve come to find three things are absolutely critical…
Tip #1: Invest in a good headset
If you’re like me, your day job takes place in both home and a traditional office. No matter how careful the day’s plan, there will come a time when you have both a very important call and a very noisy child in the house, all at the same time. For this inevitability, it’s key to buy a good headset early and make sure it has a mute button. Don’t be afraid to spend some bucks; it’s worth every penny and you will love yourself for this, trust me.
Tip #2: You’re always sick
Okay, this tip depends on your office setting, but until you know the lay of the land, you should be the one who’s sick. Here’s the deal: you could be out for a week with a bad cold and no one will think twice. But if you say you’re out for a week because your kid is sick? Chances are, someone will get resentful, even though it’s your sick time and what business is it of theirs how you use it anyway. Hey, having a sick kid is enough of a pain without dealing with coworker angst. My two cents.
Tip #3: My little coworker
You have your awesome headset. You can use the mute button like a pro. And yet, still, you’re on an important call and there are suspicious child noises going on in the background. Pro tip: don’t pretend the noises aren’t there. The focus of the call quickly becomes ‘what’s that weird noise’ versus whatever you’re trying to get done. Also, it can come off as fishy: ‘why is this person pretending to be in an office when they aren’t?’
My suggestion is to say early in the call ‘just so you know, you may hear my little co-worker in the background today.’ If you want, you can add some detail, like: ‘school got cancelled’ or whatever. Every time I’ve said this, people have been super-cool. Normally, it starts a quick conversation about my kid in particular and beloved children in general. Commence au bonding moment.
So there you go: invest in a good headset, always say you’re sick, and keep handy the ‘my little coworker speech.’ Hope these tips are as useful to you as they’ve been to me!
ALSO IN THIS SERIES:
How to tell who’s aligned with whom
3 Strikes and I Call Your Manager
Rule of the 3 Ps
Get anyone to back to fuck off
Work means never having to say ‘I’m sorry’
The single biggest red flag of all time
The post Kicking Ass @Work: Tips for Working Parents appeared first on Ink Monster.
January 3, 2014
LOL FUN: Mel Brooks, the Demigod of Shtick
What makes Brooks a demigod of shtick, at least to me, is that he’s also fearless, insightful and strong.
And I’m not talking fearless in the sense of ‘I’m going to say shocking things just to push the envelope.’ That kind of funny doesn’t have staying power, and Brooks has been creating comedy for 60+ years. Brooks creates stuff that’s—as he puts it—in bad taste when “bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.” He makes you squirm, laugh, and realize something important, all at the same time.
And that takes balls.
My favorite quote of his is: “When you go up to the bell, ring it, or don’t go up to the bell.” It’s an all-or-nothing strategy, often in the face of some very dark topics, that makes him as much healer as humorist. Here are a handful of clips from his movies, along with my favorite quotes from the man himself. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
MEL BROOKS CLIPS AND QUOTES
History of the World, Part 1: The Last Supper
“I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.”
“Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.”
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.”
“By using the medium of comedy, we can try to rob Hitler of his posthumous power and myths.”
History of the World, Part 1: The Inquisition
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
Also in the LOL FUN series:
Dave Barry, the King of Pee-Your-Pants Funny
Top 5 movies for shtick
The post LOL FUN: Mel Brooks, the Demigod of Shtick appeared first on Ink Monster.
The Demigod of Shtick: Mel Brooks
What makes Brooks a demigod of shtick, at least to me, is that he’s also fearless, insightful and strong.
And I’m not talking fearless in the sense of ‘I’m going to say shocking things just to push the envelope.’ That kind of funny doesn’t have staying power, and Brooks has been creating comedy for 60+ years. Brooks creates stuff that’s—as he puts it—in bad taste when “bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.” He makes you squirm, laugh, and realize something important, all at the same time.
And that takes balls.
My favorite quote of his is: “When you go up to the bell, ring it, or don’t go up to the bell.” It’s an all-or-nothing strategy, often in the face of some very dark topics, that makes him as much healer as humorist. Here are a handful of clips from his movies, along with my favorite quotes from the man himself. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
MEL BROOKS CLIPS AND QUOTES
History of the World, Part 1: The Last Supper
“I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.”
“Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him.”
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.”
“By using the medium of comedy, we can try to rob Hitler of his posthumous power and myths.”
History of the World, Part 1: The Inquisition
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
Also in this series: Dave Barry, the King of Pee-Your-Pants Funny
The post The Demigod of Shtick: Mel Brooks appeared first on Ink Monster.
