Leon Scott Baxter's Blog, page 8

For My Daughter to Be Successful I Had to First Let Her Make Mistakes

We know what's best for our kids, right? We're the parents. We've had more life experience. We've made mistakes. They can learn from us, can't they? So, our children should listen to and follow our suggestions. 

That's what I thought when I was advising my teen business-wise. My daughter has a very successful YouTube channel where she offers fashion and beauty tips. A little over a year ago, her subscribers and followers were growing exponentially. My daughter had done some videos on how to make homemade make-up, and I asked her if she wanted to contact the big cosmetic lines, Maybeline or Cover Girl, and pitch them a line with her branding on it.

"I'm a genius," I thought. She could discuss the natural ingredients they could put into the make-up, the colors, the fragrances. They'd put her name and logo on the line. There's be a built in customer base with the thousands of young women who followed her on YouTube and those numbers were just growing. It was a win-win. She creates the line, but doesn't have to do any manufacturing or shipping.

"No thanks," she said to me. "I'm just not feeling it." What the heck is that supposed to mean: "Just not feeling it"? What's there not to feel?! You create what you already love to create. You make your audience happy. You make a few bucks. You build your brand. And, you let the big guys do all the heavy lifting.

She was wrong! This is just want she wanted. I knew it so badly that I had already even crafted that letter to Maybeline. All I had to do was send it. She wouldn't have to know. And, if Maybeline gave her a thumbs-up, then I could break it to her and she'd be excited and would jump on the chance. Yes, that's my job as a father, to do what I know is best for my child, even when she doesn't.

But, I didn't. I wanted to so badly. I knew she could be set for life (or at least until I reached retirement age), but I had to fight every instinct to do what I knew would be best, because, well, to be honest, if she didn't want this, maybe it wasn't best. And, if it was best, it would be a learning opportunity. And, when the next opportunity rolled around she would know better what to do. So, I let it go.

A year later, and guess who came a-knockin'? A company came to her and asked her to design a lipstick, put her name on it and her logo. She didn't get to choose the ingredients or fragrance (do lipsticks even have fragrances?), but she created the color. 

It was definitely a "told you so" moment, but I kept my mouth shut (except for here on this blog post). I think it's one of the hardest things for us to do as parents, to let our kids make mistakes. And, I wondered why. Why is it so important for us to have them do it right? In my case, at least, it was because I was living vicariously through her. I'd made my mistakes already. I didn't need to make them a second time with her. But that was the problem; like me, she needed to make the mistakes so as to know what to do the next time, to learn from her wrong choices, and to realize that her Old Man may know a thing or two... even about lipstick.


image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/productphotography

You've Got to Follow-Through, Parents!

I was at Michael's today for my weekly craft shopping (okay, not really...just buying some last minute Easter goodies), and I saw a mom with a little girl, must have been about three. Her name was Emily (the girl, not the mom). Emily would not listen to Mom. 

Mom told her to put back a toy into a bin. Emily was having none of it. Mom asked Emily to hold her hand. Emily pulled away with a shrug and a moan. Mom told Emily to come with her to the check-out counter. Emily ignored her and walked the other way.

I watched to see what Mom would do. Nothing. Mom did absolutely nothing. She let Emily hold on to the toy, shrug off her hand and walk to the other side of the store. So, I looked at what Mom was buying and saw that there were a few knick-knacks I would assume were for Emily.

Now, Emily was only three. That's what three-year olds do. they try to establish a bit of autonomy, and show their parents that they have minds of their own. Although normal toddler behavior, it's crucial that at this point in their lives that parents draw the line and show their youngsters that there are consequences for their actions.

"So, what would you have done, Almighty Poster of this Blog?" Thanks for asking. This is what I would have done with Little Emily. I would have told her that she needs to listen to me and do what I have asked of her (expectations). then, I would have told her what would happen if she chose not to do what I was asking: I would put back the items I was going to buy for her, adn we'd leave the store immediately (consequences). Then, I would ask if she understood what I said and ask her to repeat it back to me (check for understanding). Finally, if she chose to test the validity of my words, I would do just what I told her. 

We would leave the store without the items. She would cry. I'd feel bad, but I would not give her "one more chance." If I did, she would know that my words are not always the truth. So, the next time, she might test them again to see if I would follow through. Once we got home and she was calm, I would talk to her about what had happened. Then, on another day I might give her the chance to try again.

It's a hard thing for both parent and child to follow through on promised consequences, but when you do, it makes things so much easier down the road. One day of difficulty to ensure easy sailing for a very long time.


image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/ali110

Mama Bears from the 80's Need to Let Their Cubs Fail, Too

I'll admit it. I love to watch me a little TV in the evenings. One of my favorite programs is The Goldbergs. It's a show that takes place on the 80's. The creator of the show, Adam Goldberg, has created his characters based on all of his family, and each episode is loosely based on events that happened to him in his preteen years.

His mom on the show, Beverly, is the helicopter mom of all helicopter moms. She doesn't want any of her three children to grow up. She needs them to need her. She wants no harm to come to any of them. She feeds them false praise, tells them they are the best at whatever they do, and when they are not, she attacks like a mama bear.

In this week's episode her teen daughter wants to become a professional singer instead of going to college. Beverly doesn't have the heart to tell her daughter that she won't make it as a singer. So, she tells her that her career plan is right on, then tells her husband to deal out the truth.

Later when the daughter learns her mom's true feelings she asks her why she did that. Bev responds that she can't stand to see her daughter fail. The daughter responds that that will push her harder to succeed.

I wish I could talk directly to this fictitious character from thirty years in the past. "Bev, shmoopsie, if you want your children to succeed, you MUST let them fail. You can't always be there for them. They will have to learn to stand on their own two at some point. Might as well start today while they are still within the safe confines of your protective home. One day they'll be on their own and if they haven't had the opportunities to navigate failure, it's going to be ten times harder for them when they are faced with it alone. Also, keep in mind, success doesn't mean a thing, Beverly, if you haven't first tasted failure. Let them taste it, so that they can appreciate the deliciousness of success. Now, get back to your Rubik's Cube and episodes of Alf."

Funny thing, though, the creator of The Goldbergs claims that his mom really was just like that. And, look how he turned out...big time creator of  network TV show. I bit neurotic, probably has regular therapy sessions, pay no attention to the twitch... Thanks Bev.


image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/anitapeppers

My Daughter Calls Herself a Geek and That Makes Me Proud

I have an eleven-year old daughter in sixth grade and she is a voracious reader. She loves challenging math problems and brain teasers. Three months ago she taught herself how to create three-dimensional works of art on her computer. And, she tinkers, loves taking things apart, using components from this and motors from that to rig a desk fan or book light. 

Last week, her older sister's light switch was rendered inoperable. So we had our electrician friend replace it, but Little Sis would not allow the old switch to be trashed. She took it apart and knew that one day it might operate a gizmo that might make her life easier.

My eleven-year old didn't always have the most self-confidence. She wanted to be accepted by her peers and sometimes she just wasn't. She wasn't always very confident with who she was, and might even try to hide parts of her true nature from her peers. 

Earlier this week, she dragged me and her mom to her school at 7:30 pm to examine stars with high-powered mini-telescopes. She's a part of the Future Scientists club at her school, and this night was a culminating activity. I heard kids talking about Pleiades, novae, Orion's Belt, Cygnus X, and Jupiter's moons. It took me about half an hour to realize that my daughter was the only girl there looking at the sky... and she was fine with it. 


She tells me that she's a self-proclaimed geek. The reasons: all of her reading, math, science, technology and inventions. And, I am so proud of her, not so much because of all she does, and not because she is a geek. I'm proud of her because she is now okay calling herself a geek. She has embraced the person she always was. And, as a result, she's not so concerned about what others think. Because of that, she now is accepted by her peers more than ever.


I don't know how many parents have to deal with a child who struggles with others and themselves, but my wife and I were fortunate to have championed who she has always been and not try to change into anything different. It took time but when she began to accept her "geekiness", others did as well.

She's a cute young lady, plays basketball, loves to sing, but she's also a geek. She now loves that about her, as do I.


photo courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/chrisgramly

Is Dad's Bullying Consequence a Punishment or Abuse?

A father decides to punish his kid for bullying another student at their middle school. So, he had his youngster hold up a sign that explained what he did and the consequences of his actions, took a picture of it, and shared it on social media. Here's the full story.

Part of his punishment includes apologizing, landscaping and doing exercise at 4:30 in the morning.

This dad obviously is doing something about his child's inappropriate behavior, but some argue that he's going about it the wrong way. They claim that public humiliation makes things worse, and that the exercise in the morning is a form of abuse.

I want to know what you think. 

My two-cents: the bullying inflicted upon the other kid may actually be the abuse. Had the father decided to strike his child as a form of punishment may have been a form of abuse. but, to wake up early is not abuse in my book. To exercise is not abuse in my eyes. And, to have to wear a scarlet letter on social media is a way to remember what one does has consequences.

Three cheers for the dad of the year!

(image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/anitapeppers)

Waiting for the Selfish Teen to Become a Butterfly

My teen daughter has almost always been a really great kid. When she was younger, she was always so kind and considerate to the family, her friends, even strangers. She would look people in the eye and smile. She'd listen to what they had to say. She would ask if she could help and would often times make herself a bit uncomfortable so that others were comfortable.

Then, the teen years hit. This child rarely makes eye contact, staring at her phone all day long. She asks for this, and expects that. When she gets an item at the store or a package in the mail, she opens it, takes the contents to her room, and leaves the packaging for someone else to deal with. She's knows all of her little sister's buttons, and her button-pushing finger has an itchy trigger.

It used to be that the earth revolved around the sun, but in the past two years, it all revolves around her... and I don't like it. Not one bit.

When I complain to my friends about this change in her, they assure me it's not as bad as it seems. And, they remind me how wonderful she is: polite (to them), taking honors classes, cares about her grades, is on the cheer team, raises money for cancer research, has wonderful friends, isn't dating yet, doesn't sneak out, swear, smoke or drink. 

So, why am I having so much trouble with this? It's because I know who she once was and I miss that very nice, caring young lady. Yet, the truth is that this is what happens during the teen years. The world really does revolve around them (at least in their minds). 

 It's tough for us parents to have to live with this, but it's not a cake walk for them either. I remember being a teen, and probably being far worse than my girl. One moment I'd be on Cloud Nine because a girl smiled at me. The next I'd never be able to show my face anywhere to anyone ever again, because of a nose pimple. 


It's like they are making a transformation in a cocoon open for the world to see. the hormone cocktail Mother Nature throws at our teens makes them moody, self-centered, and unstable. 


So, how do we make our way through this time? Remember that the child that entered this cocoon will be there on the other side when all is said and done. I know my daughter is really caring and loving and polite, and it's just this Mother Nature-Cocoon-Cocktail thing that is making her a little insane.


Is this an excuse to accept the behavior? Heck no! But it is the reason. So, I will wait it out and in a few years my butterfly will emerge, and I will smile again.


And, I long for the day when she has a teen of her own and calls me to complain about her selfishness, because then I am going to laugh my butt off!

I Didn't Tell Her She Was the Best Rebounder...Even Though She Was

Today, my youngest daughter played her last basketball game of the season...they lost...again. And, she didn't score a basket...again.

She's in sixth grade and she started playing in third. She's not a natural on the court by any means. She's not very athletic. She's a bit scrawny. She not a great dribbler, and she doesn't shoot well.

But, get this. I was so proud of her tonight!!! I mean I was really proud of her. She stole the ball so many times. She blocked a few shots. She got more rebounds than anyone else. And, she was on that floor after that ball like no other!

After the game, I told her I was so proud of her. I wanted to tell her, "You were the best rebounder on the team. You are so good at stealing the ball!" But, I didn't. People who are way smarter than I (and there are a lot of them) say that when we praise our children for their accomplishments, we risk that they won't attempt them again.

I think it was Carol Dweck who did a study with young people. They were given a simple puzzle to put together. Half the kids were told they were so smart for making the puzzle. The other half were praised for their effort. Then, the kids were asked if they wanted to try a more challenging puzzle. More kids in the "effort" group attempted the second puzzle, compared to the "smart" group.

Why? Apparently, when we tell kids they rock, they want to keep that "Rock" title, and if they try again, they may fail. If they do, we'll no longer think of them as "rockers". Yet, when we praise a child for their effort or improvement, as long as they keep working hard, they'll get that praise from us again.

So, tonight I told my girl, "You worked so hard tonight. I saw you on the floor over and over again. And, do you remember when you you started this season, how you never jumped for rebounds? Did you see how much you improved tonight? I loved watching you tonight!" Hopefully, she'll want to play again next season.


image courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/GlobalStock

Really...437 Questions a Day?

Yesterday I read that the average four-year old asks 437 questions a day...A DAY!!! I have no idea if this statement is true, but I liked the premise enough to run with it and write this post.

So, let's assume that your preschooler really does ask an excess of 400 questions a day. If it's not 437, it sure does seem like it is, doesn't it? Little kids ask so many questions, and it wears on us, right? 

"Why do you put make-up on?"
"How does the chicken get into the egg?"
"Will I have wrinkles like that when I get older?"
"Will I always be a girl?"
"Can you fall asleep with your eyes open?
"What about standing up?

It's cute at first, but the truth is, we have things to do. We've got to take a shower, put gas in the car, answer emails, wash dishes, make lunches, answer the phone. The list goes on. We can't be bothered by answering questions all day, can we? So, we get to the point where it just gets to be too much and we tell them to stop, to go away and do something else, to watch TV or play with Legos.

And, eventually they grow out of it, right?... Or do we just chastise them out of it? Do we tell them to stop enough that they eventually do, and that sense of wonder begins to fade?

I teach third grade, and at times my students have questions that I can't address immediately. I have to be sure we cover the material. There are also times when I want them to so badly to ponder and ask and wonder, and I get nothing. I have learned in the classroom that instead of squelching their questions, that I have them jot the question down for us to address later. Or, at times, I have them find their own answer on their iPads (we're fortunate to have one for every student at my school).

We want kids to wonder. We want kids to ask. Kids who ponder are kids who think, who want to know, who crave data entry. It's our jobs as parents to give it to them. 

Can we answer 437 questions a day? Of course not. But, let's shoot for twenty-five. When we can't answer because we're on the phone or just need a break, ask your child to draw a picture of what they think the answer to the question is. This does three things: it gets them thinking about their own thinking. It gives them time to concentrate on one question for awhile as they are drawing, which means you contend with less questions during that time. And, finally, it gives you a record of the question and their thoughts on it, something you can come back to at the end of the day in bed.

We have to live our lives. We can't answer 3,000 questions a week, but we also don't want to stop our children from thinking, asking and exploring the world. The kids who think are the kids who prosper.

image courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/abu

Rise Above or a Spoonful of Her Own Medicine?

So, today I come home and my youngest daughter, eleven (that's just her nickname, her real name is "Twelve") is working on writing her first novel. Good, right? I'm pleased she's exploring the written word like her old man, but I also notice the TV is on and it's doing that floating "DirecTV" rectangle which means she's been watching something and put it on pause.

I have no problem with this. When she gets home from school she's allowed to watch TV while she snacks. And, I'm tickled forest green (pink really doesn't work for me...it's got to do with my eye color) that she can self-monitor her screen-time. But, I don't like that when no one's watching the TV, that it's still on.

Everyone in the house knows that this is one of my many pet-peeves (instead of coins, I collect pet-peeve). I just don't like wasting electricity, which translates to "I am one cheap son-of-a-gun." 

So, today, while she was writing, I come in and tell her that the TV is on and that she needs to turn it off. Twelve is a lot like me, and doesn't like to stop in the middle of her writing. So, she doesn't even look up and says, "In a minute," not budging an inch.

Now, I don't like this response, because in my mind she should have turned that TV off when she was done watching it. So, although she was in the middle of a sentence, I expected her to hop up, say, "Oops, sorry, Dad. I forgot," and turned it off immediately. She didn't. So, I did. 

Now, I'm not quite fuming inside, but I'm smoldering a bit. I go outside to shoot hoops, and Twelve comes out and asks, "Do you want to hear what I wrote?" Now, you should know, I absolutely LOVE hearing what my girl writes, and we discuss it together. But, today, I said, "I guess." Twelve responded, "What do you mean?" I shrugged, "I guess...if you want to."

Upset, she huffed back into the house. 

Now, here's my dilemma. I know what I did was a bit immature. I did it because I was mad (should have taken the emotion out of my reaction, but I'm only human). As I shot hoops I thought, "Should I have modeled being kind and thinking of others for her, in spite of her selfish move? Or, should I have done what I did so she could see what it feels like, so maybe she won't repeat that kind of maneuver next time?"

Rise above, or taste of her own medicine? Would love your thoughts. 


image courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/alvarez

This Valentine’s Day Show Your Love to Your Kids By Being the Adults You Want Them to Become

It was Valentine’s Day in the eighties (okay, maybe it was really September… I don’t really remember). I was fifteen, my mom asked me to wash the dishes. The only dishwasher we had in those days was yours truly. I did my best to clean the cups and scrub the plates. Then, I placed the items in our dish rack to dry and put away at a later time.

My mom came in and inspected my work. After a long stare she told me, “Oh, no. Uh, uh. This is not done…” I looked in the sink. Empty. I looked at the drying dishes. Not a speck of fried egg nor a spot of dried milk.

“The counter has not been wiped off,” she told me. “Look at these crumbs. When you wash dishes, part of the job is wiping down the counter.”

Now, I was smart enough not to argue with my mom, but deep in my heart I knew she was wrong. She scurried out of the kitchen, and I grumbled under my breath, “Who does she think she is, telling me that wiping a counter is part of washing the dishes? I may be young, but I’m not stupid. Dishes are dishes. A counter’s a counter. If she wanted me to wipe down the counter, all she had to do was ask. I’d be glad to do it,” I lied to myself.

“Who in their right mind thinks wiping a counter has anything to do with cleaning a soup bowl? When I’m a father and I ask my kids to wash the dishes, there’s no way in Hades I will expect them to wipe down the counter!”

Cut to twenty-five years later. I’m a full-grown man, married, got kids of my own and even a house, but still no dishwasher. I remember walking into the kitchen one day and someone had washed the dishes, yet there were cookie crumbs on the counter.

How could I stop them? Like a volcano, the words forced their way out into the cold air of my dishwasherless kitchen before I could stop them: “Who washed these dishes and didn’t wipe down the counter?! When you wash dishes, part of the job is wiping down the counter!”

Oh my God, I’d become my mother!

That’s the thing about being a parent. There’s a very good chance that our children will become us to some extent when they grow up. That puts a lot of responsibility on parents. We can tell our children the right things to do. We can say to them what’s expected, but what really counts is what we do.

On Valentine’s Day we want to show our children that we love them. The best way to do that is by giving them the tools they need to be happy and successful adults.

Our children will become us, so we need to be the people we want them to grow up to be.

Here are seven ways to model the behavior you want your children to embody this Valentine’s Day:

1. Be Honest

We’re always telling our kids to be honest, not to cheat, to tell the truth and not to steal. But, if we are bringing home office supplies from work, calling in sick when we are well, and taking that extra change the store clerk mistakenly hands us, our children are guaranteed to do the same. So, show them honest living so they will embody it.

2. Find Your Passion

We parents often give up on our dreams once we have our children. It’s important that we pursue our passions, and let our kids see this. So, take up photography, start a blog, sign up for a half-marathon. When our kids see that we are following our dreams, they will start to follow theirs.

3. Persevere

The reason that only 8% of adults who set New Year’s resolutions keep them is because when we fall off the wagon, we rarely hop back on. And, when our children see that we don’t push through when we stumble or are met with an obstacle, they believe that’s the way adults handle difficulties. So, when they drop the proverbial ball, our children will not pick it back up… that is, unless they see us doing it first.

4. Love Your Partner

Over half of marriages end in divorce. So, that means that over half the children are exposed to divorce. As a result, the cycle continues. To ensure that your child has a long-lasting, committed, loving relationship of their own one day, we parents must dedicate time to our relationships. That may mean losing some “kid time,” but that loss will be made up exponentially. So, kiss your spouse. Hold hands. Schedule date nights.

5. Work Hard

We expect our kids to study their flashcards for school, practice their piano thirty minutes a night, and run laps for basketball conditioning. Then, we say we are going to lose ten pounds or quit smoking, yet refuse to work at it. If our children hear us say working hard is important, but see us sitting on the sofa watching Dancing With The Stars and taking the easy way out, they will follow our actions, not our words. Therefore, we need to model a good work ethic to ensure our children have one.

6. Give Back

When I was growing up, we didn’t have much, so I learned how to hoard money, in case I needed it later. As an adult, I am better off financially than my family was when I was a child, yet I still have that hoarding mentality and must consciously tell myself I can afford donating to a school fundraiser or sponsor a co-worker running for breast cancer. I never want my daughters to have to struggle with this inner battle when they are grown-ups. If you would like your children to give back, model it for them. Donate to a charity or hand some change to someone who may be in need. If you are strapped financially, consider volunteering your time regularly at church, a soup kitchen, hospital or some other organization you are passionate about.

7. Avoid Excuses

When we voice that we are unable to reach our goals because we don’t have the education, or the finances, or are single parents, we are handing our children the words they will use as excuses as to why they can’t succeed in school, or in sports, or relationships, or on stage. As parents, we don’t have to hide our challenges and obstacles, but by showing our children how we persevere through them, instead of sitting back, we model how they can handle the obstacles that life will put into their paths.

If you want to take your kid out to ice cream this February 14th, or give her some Hershey’s Kisses, to express your love, by all means go for it. But, if you want to express your love all year long, and give them a gift that will last a lifetime, model the behavior you want theme to embody. That’s the kind of gift that lasts even after the others have melted.