Leon Scott Baxter's Blog, page 10

Sex Life

Made With Code

This is a cool little romantic gesture because it’s so different.

The site, MadeWithCode.com, can make incredible personalized, 3-D bracelets that say anything you like, for free.

These guys take what you want to put on a bracelet and have it made on a 3-D printer and ship it to you in a few weeks.

Consider the options:
“I love you”
“Pete + Alexis”
“Will you marry me?”

Be creative. Choose something that no one else would appreciate. Pick your color, and order away. It’s fun and memorable. It’s creative and takes thought and effort. That’s what makes it romantic.

What to Do (Baby #2)

Morning Hay Rolling

Can morning sex help your relationship? I think, yes. Here is a quick list of the good you get from a morning romp.

1. Great way to start the day. Sex is an activity we associate positively with our partners and ourselves. If you wake up and do something that good first thing, how can you not have a great day, especially with your partner?

2. Keeps you connected through the day. If you connect with your partner intimately first thing in the a.m., you start the day with a positive connection with them. That leads to a bit more flirting and positive feelings the rest of the day.

3. Burn a few calories togeter. Sex can be considered an aerobic activity. And when we exercise with our partners there are many benefits especially if that work out is without clothes. 

4. Can help you sleep. Too many of us are getting too little sleep. That leads to crankiness and friction in relationships. I you have not had enough sleep throughout the night, then have a little norong roll in the hay, after the “high” for men especially, it’s easy to fall back to sleep. If you nkow you are behind in your zzzz’s, don’t fight it. Take another hour under the sheets so you won’t bicker later in the day. 

5. More to come. This one is especially for the fellas, but the gals might find it a benefit, too. If you have morning sex, there’s still that opportunity for evening sex, as well. Knowing that you your morning adventure may have just been a prelude as to what’s to come, keeps the friskiness alive throughout the day, and it keeps the guys moving forward positively, which of course will make the women happy campers.

I Bet

I have an old friend who is hovering around 70-years old. I’ve known him for about 25 years. I’d say for about the last twenty years, he’s been committed to the same woman, but he vowed he would never marry again. He had previously been married, had a couple of kids and didn’t want to go through the divorce process again.

©iStockphoto.com/Bubert

My family visited this couple last summer. They are happy, spuky and fully invested in one another. I was so surprised when they announced to us that they were planning to tie the knot. I couldn’t believe it! After all these years, why did they finally decide to get hitched at this point in their lives. The guy tells me it was because as they aged, insurance and taxes and the like all benefit a married couple. And, if one goes into the hospital for something serious, in certain circumstances, visitation is only for immediate family and spouses. So, they wanted to be sure to take advantage of all the marriage perks during this time in their lives.

Yesterday at my office, I learned that a woman I work with, who is probably in her mid-sixties, announced she and her long-time boyfriend of twenty-two years would be getting married soon. First, I had no oda she had a serious man in her life, much less for over two decades. Here was another AARP couple who had waited quite some time to say “I do.” Was she doing it for the same reasons as my buddy and his fiance (That’s so starnge to say)? 

I got to thinking, and even if they were, sure it’s practical and makes sense, but I also believe there’s a kind of release associated with “not being married” for so long. I haven’t been there, so I am only speculating, but I would assume that you get to a certain point and you feel you need to stand your ground: “We will not get married. We don’t need to. We can be just as committed without the certificate, priest and the rice.” Yet, when your circumstances kind of force you into having to finally marry the love of your life, I bet there’s a weight lifted. i bet there’s a bit of a hidden smile. I bet it’s going to feel glorious to finally say “I take you…” and it’s not just for insurance reasons….I bet.

What I Mean to Say

As I sat down to write this post, I was racking my brain, “What will be the topic?!” I wasn’t sure where to go with the post. And, I thought that was so weird, because I absolutely love to write. I write all the time. That made me ponder about the word “love”. I love to write, but I also love to play basketball. I love most Michael Jackson songs, as well as watching Modern Family. I love my dog, Lucy, as I do my mom, both of my daughters, and my wife. I love getting a good night sleep and dancing at weddings. I love the way my Italian shoes fit me, a new haircut, and key lime pie. 

©iStockphoto.com:IngredientsPhoto

How the heck can I use the same word for how I feel about my wife as well as how I feel for my shoes? We use the word love too liberally. Yes, it does mean a strong positive feeling for something or someone, but that positve feeling is very different if I am talking about my mom versus a TV show. According to a Washington Post piece, the Eskimo truly do have 50 words for “snow”. Shouldn’t we have at least fifteen for “love”? There’s love for entertainment, romantic love, familial love, love of past times and friends. 

Even within the the umbrella of romantic love, there’s “loving”, “being in love”, falling in love”, “puppy love”, etc… I have actually used this ambiguous term to protect myself in the past. When I first professed my love for the woman I eventually married, I wasn’t sure how she felt about me. Instead of telling her “I love you”, I told her “I think I am falling in love with you.” By saying that, in essence I was telling her that I was unsure if I was or wasn’t in the process of maybe loving her one day in the future. Ambiguity.

Okay, so maybe we don’t really need fifteen words to help identify each kind of love. It’s worked fine the way it is for many years, but it can create some confusion. So, when professing your love, say exactly what you mean. Doing that will create a terrific line of communication between you and your partner (or dog, or shoes, or TV shows), and I’m sure you will love it!

I Love You More

My wife and I just had a discussion about who loves who more. We had just returned from a dinner party with a group of guys that I hang out with and their wives. When I introduced my wife to them, many told her that they were glad to have met her because they’d heard so much about her and what a great marriage we have. 

©iStockphoto.commevans

Jokingly I told her that her friends never said that about her and our marriage, so therefore, since I speak highly of our marriage to my guy friends, it’s obvious that I love her more than she loves me.

Mary (my wife) argued that she didn’t think so, that we loved each other the same. “How can you say that?” I asked. “You can’t know how much I love you.”

“Well, I know that I love you as much as I can love. There is no more. So, if you love me that much, we’re even.”

My retort: “Your level of love-possibility has been met. Therefore, you don’t know what is passed that level. You cannot fathom it. So, therefore your belief about the extent of love is limited. But, seeing how I obviously talk about our relationship, and yu don’t, my love exceeds yuors.”

Okay, this is not a healthy exchange for most couples. Mary and I have been in a happy marriage for over 22 years and we know that this is just our way to poke fun at one another. But, it got me thinking. Is it important for couples to love one each other equally? The short answer: no.

We can never know how much our partner loves us. We can hear what they say. We can experience what they do. But, we can never feel what they feel. But, that’s okay. If we ever did learn that one of us loves more than the other, that could be the downfall of our relationship. Instead, as long as we believe our partner is truly dedicated to us and fully committed to the relationship that should be enough. We shouldn’t use our partner’s love level as a barometer for how much we love. Love as much as you want. Accept how your partner loves you. And, don’t worry about comparing…unless of course she never mentions you to her friends.

Getting the Bow-Wow Out of Your Teen

Teens. If you are like me, you've got at least one of these beings living with you at home. And, doesn't it seem to have morphed in the last few years from dog-like to a more feline feel? When mine was younger, and I’d come home she'd be happy to see me, "Daddy!" she'd scream when I walked in the door, throwing her arms around me (tail-wagging). Today, I walk in, and she looks up from whatever electronic device she has in her hand to be sure I am not an intruder. Once she's assessed that I am safe, she looks back down at her device and walks casually into her room (feline aloofness).

But, we love them, don't we? And, although they often do their best not to express it, they love us, as well. That's why we want to do the best we can as parents for our Tom-Cat-Teens. We want them to be happy and successful. But, how do you get through that hormone-thick exterior and make an impact on this person who will toss out a monosyllabic response once for every five questions asked?

The only way for a person to be truly successful is for them to find happiness in what they are doing. That goes for our teens, too. And for them to figure out what it is they should be doing, teens need to discover their passions and strengths. Often, even at this age, they still haven't found these and need our help to zero in on them. But how do we do that when our teens are unwilling to open up?

Here's a little secret about teens: the whole cat-thing is a facade, and every now and again, their dog-like qualities surface. When they do, you need to be ready. You can't push a teen to tell you what they are into, but you can wait one out. When you are driving her to a friend's house or sitting down to dinner, she'll slip and tell you about the funny thing a friend said on the bus, or the cool thing she learned in art class, or how her friend can do a front-hand-spring.  When she cracks that door, don't push it open, just listen, absorb and file away. This is what excites your teen. Now, do a search and see if you can find an app that let's her explore her art interest, like SketchBook Express.

This may be her passion, but may not be her strength just yet. It's okay if she's not wonderful at graphics and design right away. Encourage her to continue her passion out of her love for it. And, as she continues to work on it, she will also be building her strength.

What we as parents often are inclined to do when our children are successful is to praise their accomplishments, but psychologist, Carol Dweck, has studied praise and children and has learned that contrary to what many parents believe, praising our teens’ accomplishments actually stunts their desire to continue pushing. Why? Because when you tell your teen she's created a wonderful painting, she's focused on the goal (wonderful art), and not the process or effort it took to get there. So, the next time she considers creating a piece of art, she may feel pressure to repeat that same success, which can be too much for some teens, therefore some decide not to try again for fear of failure.

Instead, fight your urge to praise the accomplishment, and instead praise the effort and improvement. "Wow, I can see how much you have improved over the last three months. You've worked very hard to get to this level."

As a result, you get a teen who wags her tail a bit when no one’s looking, yet still prances like a non-interested alley cat. That’s a happy young person who is on her way to success.

                                                                                                                                                                                          Image: ©iStockphoto.com/friztin

Escaping from “Screen Love”

I guess I’m old fashioned. I often get asked for advice for couples who are in relationships with people they have never met. They met online. They talk on the phone. They text. They Skype. They message. Some even write letters, but they’ve never actually met face-to-face. This is where the “old fashioned” part of me comes into play. See, I don’t call this a full relationship just yet. It used to be that meeting someone online was pathetic (at least, much of society looked at it that way). Now, it’s considered fine to have met someone on a dating site or through a forum. And, it makes sense to me that before meeting, it’s a good idea to connect with this person to learn more about them, if they are someone you might be interested in, if they share likes and interests with you. So, a few phone calls, video chat and emails are a good bet.

©iStockphoto.com:AfricaImages

And, of course there are those instances when the person you met online is too far away to meet right away. So, instead of throwing the baby out with the bath water, you stay connected online, with the intention to finally meet person-to-person in the future. So, what I’m getting at is that I see this virtual relationship, as just a stepping stone to a “real” relationship (y’know, where you can actually be in the same room and all).

But, some people are content with these virtual relationships. I even have a client who plans to marry his girlfriend (who he’s never actually met), and keep their marriage virtual, meaning, they will never actually meet. This bugs me. Why? Because I’m old-fashioned. To me a relationship needs to be personal, face-to-face. You need to be able to take in all of your partner. You should be able to touch and hug, and kiss and hold hands. 

But, am I being just old-fashioned? I mean, why do couples need to be with one another face-to-face ever if that fulfills their needs? Who am I to say that a virtual relationship is not valid? It’s hard to spit out, but I have come to the conclusion that if both parties in a virtual relationship are okay never meeting and this “screen love” satisfies, why should I knock it? I do know for a fact though, that a relationship where both parties can experience each other fully, is far deeper than a virtual relationship, but that shouldn’t mean that screen love isn’t without value. I mean do we negate all vanilla ice cream lovers just because there are banana splits and ice cream sundaes available?

If you are okay with just staying connected onscreen, then, so be it. But, if would really like to connect and have a conventional relationship, don’t hide behind the screen. You have to get out there and meet at some point. There’s a new program called Love Prison, that does just that. The show takes two people who have been in a virtual relationship and who want to make it more conventional. They put them in a house on an island, take away all devices and outside communication. They force them to live with each other in the home for 23-hours a day (one hour of yard time a day) for a week and video them via remote cameras so as to avoid camera people and producers messing with this social experiment.

I watched the first episode this week and found it very interesting. We learn that it’s much easier to create the personae you want someone to believe you to be when you never really meet. And, if you are okay loving a “character” versus a three-dimensional human being, then by all means never meet. Sometimes that makes life easier (living the fantasy). But, if you want to know your partner, all of your partner, the good and the bad, the idiosyncrasies and the foibles, then by all means, meet. And, if you need a little push, apply for Love Prison.

Hold Her Hand at a Baseball Game

When I was a high school senior, I started dating a young lady a few years younger than I was. She was great, funny, out-going and cute. I enjoyed my time with her immensely, but the thing was, I wasn’t sure how my peers would react to her since she was younger than the rest of us. Should that really have mattered? No. But, for my teen mind it did.

So, whenever it was just the two of us, we’d be close and hold hands and the like. Yet, I specifically recall when we went to a baseball game. We sat together, but I left a little space between our legs as we sat on the bleachers and I didn’t hold her hand. I didn’t think she’d think anything about it…but she did. She pulled me aside and asked why I treated her so differently when we were around my friends and asked if I was ashamed of her. 

What a jerk I’d been. I didn’t know she had noticed and, besides, why should I have cared what others thought about her. I really liked her and so great qualities in her. I apologized to her, grabbed her hand and headed back to the game, proudly displaying the young woman I was enamored with. We broke up a few months later, but what I learned from that relationship is to always be proud to be seen with my partner. If they are good enough to be my partner, they are good enough for the world to know that I have chosen them.

I write this little story because I was reminded of it when I read this article about ten things happy couples do (“Be proud to be seen with your partner” is number ten). Take a look at the piece and see if you are doing these ten things. If not, what changes do you need to make?