Leon Scott Baxter's Blog, page 6

Parenting With Nets and Tape

If you are going to buy just one parenting book, make sure it's mine, Secrets of Safety-Net Parenting . But, if you were to buy two parenting books, make sure the second one is Duct Tape Parenting by Vicki Hoefle.

I don't usually review books on this blog, but I read Vicki's book this summer and felt compelled to share with you. 
Duct Tape Parenting  is a great book for parents with kids up to age eighteen. It's different than my book, though,  Secrets of Safety-Net Parenting . What I like about Vicki's book is that it compliments my book, as my book compliments hers.

Duct Tape Parenting  is about raising kids to become proficient adults, and we parents only get eighteen years to do it.  Secrets of Safety-Net Parenting  on the other hand is about raising happy, successful children. The confidence that children gain from the strategies in Vicki's book runneth over to the successes and passions I explore in mine.

I delve into failure, passions and perseverance. Vicki talks to the reader about our roles as being maids, rather than parents. Her book offers strategies to help free parents from being those maids while liberating our children to yearn to become more independent.

I have two great kids (Perfect? Not quite, but good girls), yet I, like most parents, was able to identify with many aspects of the book. 

Here's my warning, though: the first 90 or so pages of the book established parental frustrations, and I could have done with less of this. I was afraid the book was only going to be about how frustrated we get, but not address how to get past these frustrations. 

I'm glad I didn't throw in the towel. The next two-thirds of the book got to the meat of the strategies and it was well worth wading through the beginning. I recommend this book to any parent who feels like a servant of their child, rather than a parent to them, as well as any parent who wants to feel confident sending their child off int the "real world" at age eighteen.

I absolutely can't wait for my wife to read  Duct Tape Parenting . I don't feel I can move forward with the book's strategies until both my wife and I are on the same page. If you read the book (after you read mine), let me know your thoughts on it, and if you have used the strategies, tell us if they worked or not. 

She Can Fail and Still Get Into College

I think the back-to-school shopping list is something you can get from many parents, but I think it's so crucial that I send my daughter back to school with the freedom to fail. Of course I don't want her to fail 11th grade, classes or even tests. What I am sending her back with is opportunities to implement what she has been taught. Then, if she chooses to take a short cut, she learns from natural consequences.

This summer she took a 6-week language course through the local city college online. She barely got each assignment done on time, staying up until the midnight deadline each week. She also did the bare minimum, getting assignments done, but not really attempting to "learn the language". She takes the final next week, and there's a good chance she won't be acing it! She currently has a 4.5 GPA. This grade could bring down her average, but that's okay.

I think that as parents of teens we can easily get caught up in the whole get-all-A's, do-college prep classes, apply-to-the-most-prestigious-schools mentality, as if this is what our parenting years was all leading up to. I am sending my daughter back to school with the freedom to learn from her mistakes. And, if that means she can't get into Stanford, I know she will be fine. She'll still get into a good college. And, by making and learning from her high school mistakes, she will carry that with her to her non-Stanford college and be a success there and anywhere else in life.

image courtesy of ©iStockphoto.com/chrisgramly

Grocery Lists and Natural Consequences

I do the family grocery shopping in our house every Sunday morning. The job became mine for a number of reasons: 1) I am good at shopping sales, 2) I clip and use coupons like a champ, and 3) I like choosing what will be in our fridge for the coming week.

Everyone knows the rules. When we are low on, or out of, an item it needs to be put on the grocery list. Saturday evening, I will cross-reference the list and our coupons and be ready for the next morning foray into the food aisles. 

The problem is that at times members of the family neglect to add needed items to the list. So, I'll come home only to find out a day later that we have no bread or that we're down to one roll of toilet paper. "No one wrote it on the shopping list!" I bellow.

And, it's usually our daughters who are the culprits. "Oops, sorry, Dad. I forgot." So, I saddle back up and head out for an additional trip so I can make my sandwich and use the John.

The girls are legitimately sorry and haven't purposely sabotaged my shopping excursion, but no matter the amount of lecturing and reminding my wife and I employ, they still neglect to add the items to the list.

My youngest, Grace, age eleven, has really been into making homemade lemonade this summer (and it's really good). So, she's been using the bottled lemon juice we keep in the fridge. When I went out shopping last Sunday, on my way back to the car from the store with grocery bags in tow I get a call from Grace. She asks if I can buy lemon juice. She had used the last bit and forgot to add it to the list.

I could have just turned around and grabbed another bottle, and it would have been little inconvenience, but I decided to use the opportunity to emphasize the bigger issue. I told her I was done shopping and that if she put it on the list, I'd get it the following week.

Seven days without her delicious lemonade will be hard on us all, but because she loves the process of making it, it should really affect her! I am hoping that this "natural consequence" for something that is important to her, will transfer to the entirety of shopping list rules (and not just for lemon juice). Here's to hoping toothpaste and peanut butter make the list this week.

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/cohdra

Being My Teen's Shuttle Driver

I remember being in high school a thousand years ago, and being unable to wait to turn sixteen. Sixteen meant getting a driver's license, and getting a driver's license meant freedom, which is precisely what I wanted as a teenage boy. 

For the past year and a half/two years, I've been excited for my teen daughter, Riley, to turn sixteen as well, so she could obtain a bit of freedom herself. Since being a high schooler, Riley's life has revolved around social activities with her group of girlfriends. I shouldn't really say that, because she does focus on her job, her schoolwork, and being on the cheer team, but as the "designated driver" it feels as though I am always taking her and her friends to the mall, picking them up from the beach, and driving them to and from  sleepovers.

It would be nice for my girl to start getting herself around town, but unlike my teen years, kids today don't seem to need to drive as badly as we had. Oh sure, I'm sure there are plenty of kids who get their license on their sixteenth birthdays, but far more are putting it off, my daughter being one of them. She says she'd like to drive, but taking the courses and training are just inconvenient for her at this point, precisely because of all her school work, her job and her cheer.

So, that means she's still relying on the Dear Old Dad Taxi Service to get around. But recently, a couple of her friends have gotten their license and a couple more are taking the courses to get theirs. I've spoken to some of the parents of the new drivers and realize there's a new inconvenience with a teen driver...worry!

I'm hearing that since you as a parent aren't dropping them off here and there, you never are quite sure where your kid is. Of course you fear for their safety on the road, and you never know if there will be driving while texting, talking on the phone or while intoxicated. 

After hearing from the other side, I happily accept this lesser of two evils (far lesser). Sure, it's inconvenient, but at least I know for the time being that she is safe. Yes, she will have to drive one day, and I need to let my little one fly out of the nest. I'm not holding her back, but if she wants to put off driving, I'll happily be her shuttle service.

Learning to Get Back "On-Leash" In Time for Back-to-School

I love summer. I love it so much that I will state it again: I love summer! Seeing that my wife and I both teach elementary school, summer for us is like being a couple of Labradors at an off-leash dog park for two and a half-months. We are free for ten weeks. It's a lovely time of year.

On top of that, our puppies get to be leash-free as well (except for the 16-year old who has online puppy classes this summer). That means we get to spend extra time with our daughters, spontaneous frozen yogurt outings, family vacations, trips to the beach, BBQs and staying up late.

It's that last bit of freedom that scares me a bit...staying up late. We all do it. Our 9:30 or 10:00 bedtimes have slowly crept to 10:30, then 11:00 and for some of us, midnight is the norm. For the teen, sometimes later. I'm not so concerned that we aren't getting enough sleep. My wife and youngest daughter sleep in every morning. I take naps (because, for the life of me, I can't sleep in any longer), and we generally say "good morning" to our teen right after the rest of us have finished eating lunch.

My concern is getting us all back on track in the next four weeks. It happens every August. We try to get our sleep schedules back to normal, and end up laying in bed the night before school starts, wide-eyed praying for slumber. And, of course, the more you think about not sleeping, the more you don't sleep.

So, this summer I have vowed to start correcting our sleep ways earlier. Each week we'll go to bed thirty minutes earlier than the week before, and by the time we are called to return to our leashes, we'll be ready. Of course, we'll have to tweak this for our vampire of a teen, but I think we can pull it off. 

Check back with us in a few weeks and see how we're doing. 'Til then, off to the dog park!

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/Nesstor4u2

Do Your Best With Your Teen, Then Wait and Trust...Maybe

My little Riley is not so little any more. She is sixteen years old, and towers over her mother. I still tip the scales when it comes to weight and height, but at 5' 11", and 165 pounds, I am no longer the towering, imposing father she looked up to when she was in grade school. She realizes I'm not a big man, and often refers to me as a "shrimp," all in fun.

Grace is an amazing young woman. She has a 4.4 GPA, takes college and honors courses, is on the school dance team, hangs out with a wonderful circle of young ladies and isn't dating yet. But, she's still a teen, and boy, is it tough in many ways?

This girl is cocooning like never before (see my piece on this for reference). Life is all about her. She can't help it, but it's annoying: leaves plates and wrappers all over the house, wants what she wants immediately, responds to her mom and my questions with monosyllabic answers, has her face buried in her phone, and seems to know way more than we do.

Yet, her mom and I call her on these things and still try to teach her what we expect, but it just doesn't seem to be getting through that teen cocoon of hers. It's easy to throw up your hands and just wait out the next 700 days until she's off to college, but, of course we can't.

For the summer, Riley signed up for a Spanish course through our local city college. It will cover two years of Spanish in six weeks, all online. So, it's pretty intense. The course started a couple days after we had returned from a family trip to Mexico, so Riley was already behind on her first assignment.

She worked an entire day to catch up. Her assignment was due by midnight. She worked, took breaks, then worked some more. Ten minutes before midnight she pressed "send" and discovered that all of her work was lost. She was so frustrated. She's a teen and this is her summer. She worked her butt off and for what? 

She told us she wanted to drop the class and she'd take it again later in the school year. Riley is a responsible young lady, and I know she'll do what she says, but I also know that she has no idea how much work she'll have during her junior year. I told her if that's what she wanted that I would back her up on it. Then, I was surprised when she asked what I would do (my teen girl actually asked for my advice?). I told her that I would just barrel through it during the summer, and I'd be so pleased later that it was behind me, whereas if I put it off, it would be there looming over my future. 

She thought for about three seconds, then said, "I still want to drop it" (so much for listening to Dear Old Dad). But, I got it. It's summer and frustrating, and she wants to socialize more with her friends. My wife suggested she sleep on it and make her final decision the next morning. "Why? I already know what I'm going to do," she whined. 

"Just go to sleep, and you can drop then." So, she slept. Next morning, I hear Grace up in her room, but she doesn't come out. Finally, I knock on her door and see her at her computer. "Whatcha working on?" I ask.

"Spanish."

"You're not dropping?" I asked with as little emotion as possible.

"No," she responded monosyllabically.

I left her room and was so proud of her. I was stunned. I was shocked. And, I realized that our teen daughter really does hear us. And, because we have not given up on her, even though it often feels we are talking to a beautiful brick wall with her face buried in her iPhone, some of what we say gets through.

Never tell Riley, but this gives us hope as well as reason to continue to offer our advice, to tell her to put away her shoes, to be kind to her sister, and to look at us when she talks. They hate to admit it, but our teens still hear us, and although their prefrontal cortex may not be fully developed, given the right advice and enough time to ponder it, they can still surprise us.

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/Aroldo

There's an Actual Safety Net at This Safety-Net Summer Vacation

It's summer. that means the kids are out of school and we're looking for a family vacation, right? When looking to take the kids on a trip, I want to create memories and experiences that will last a lifetime, but I also want to give my kids the opportunities to try new things, discover more about themselves, and learn resilience and perseverance. Basically, it would be ideal if there was a place to flex my Safety-Net Parent muscles.

We just got back from vacation a few days ago, and it was all about Safety-Netting (it literally had a safety-net). My wife and I took our 11 and 16 year olds to Club Med Cancun. We saved for ten months to be able to pull it off, but with the older one looking into colleges, we realized that there won't be many more summer vacation opportunities.

The Cancun Village is family-oriented. Not all Club Meds are, so you'd want to look into that before choosing one. The weather was wonderful. the Caribbean Sea water was glorious. The food was remarkable. But, what really worked for us was that it played right into safety-netting.

The girls had ample opportunities to discover new passions: snorkeling, cooking, trapeze (that's where you find the safety net), dancing, volleyball, kayaking, swimming, and much more. And, when they found something they loved, they started to build on it every day to make it a strength. you don't always have that kind of opportunity at home. The other thing was that when they messed up, slipped or failed, the staff was there to show them where they misstepped, how to rectify it, dust them off and have them try again.

There was so much to like as a Safety-Net Parent at Club Med Cancun: trying new foods (frog legs and octopus), exposure to new cultures and languages, and learning independence ("We'll pick you up at the Kid's Club at 4:00"). It's great for us parents as well, because it gives us the chance to model the behaviors we want our kids to internalize: taking calculated risks, trying new things, being physically active, meeting new people, and making healthy food choices.

It also gave me and my wife the opportunity to keep the romantic fires burning while the kids were off with the groups, in bed or at an activity. And, one of the best things parents can do for their children is model a strong, healthy and loving relationship so that they can bring that to their own relationships in the future.

If you were wondering about where to take the family this summer and you want something tropical, my vote is for Club Med Cancun. 

Fathers' Day from a Dad's Perspective

It's Fathers' Day. If you have a father, let me speak on his behalf. 

First, the apostrophe goes after the "s', not before, because it's not a day for just one father. It's a day to celebrate all of us. Just sayin'.

Second, I read that 30% less money is spent on fathers than on mothers for their respective holidays. We are okay with that. We know that you connect with your mom in a different way than you do us (meaning, you like her best). We know she works very hard, and for some reason we think we deserve to get 20 minutes of down-time after work, while she's tending to all the rest of us. We know she carried you in her tummy-pocket for 40 weeks and we just kept pointing and announcing, "Look what I did." And, we also know that it's easier to shop for Mom than it is for us, which brings me to the next point...

Third, there's really not much we need this year... again. We don't need a "Best Dad" coffee mug. The old one with stains that we've been using works fine. We don't need a new tie. Yes, we wear them, but it's not because we love them. It's because it's expected at work. So, if you get us another, it's kind of like getting us a toothbrush. Sure, we'll use it, but only 'cause we have to.

Fourth, this is what we'd really like... to sleep in late, to watch sports or a movie in our boxers and socks in the middle of the day. We wouldn't mind it if you brought us a beer. One is enough. Oh, and if you have any of those Betty Crocker brownie or cookie mixes, we could totally go for some of those...if there's already some in the pantry. 

Fifth, you don't need to take us out to dinner. It'll be crowded and it will cost money and that means I'll have to put on pants and maybe even a tie, and we'll have to turn off the TV.

Sixth, if you still choose to give us a "Best Dad" mug and/or a tie, if you wake us up early with breakfast in bed, if you would prefer we go for a bike ride than watch the game and you can't find a beer or a box of Betty Crocker, if you feel compelled to take us to dinner, and if on your card you put the apostrophe between the "r" and the "s"... it's all good. It means you love us. It means you are putting out the effort. It means you are trying. And, it means that we're probably doing an okay job and this is your way to show us.

We will wear our tie to The California Pizza Kitchen (after waiting an hour and fifteen minutes for a table), and we'll bring our "Best Dad" mug for them to fill, ooh, maybe with a beer. Oh, and if they can seat us in front of that screen with the game on, that'll work. I bet they'll even have brownies on the menu. We'll take one of those. But, most important is that we are spending it with you. We couldn't be fathers without our children. Sometimes you make us crazy. Sometimes we wonder if the money hemorrhaging will ever stop. But, we wouldn't change a thing, not one thing, especially those nine months of pointing at your mother's tummy. 

I am hoping that they're offering a 30% discount for Father's Day (watch that apostrophe!!!).

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/Prawny

How Business Benefits Children

I firmly believe that children are not too young to venture into business. What it takes is giving them the freedom to be creative. As parents, adults, and teachers, we can't shoot down their ideas, even the bad ones, because when we do, we stifle the future potentially successful ideas.

When a child is told they "can't", "it's impossible" and that they are "too young", they embody these. Why waste the time to delve deeper into their own creativity, when they already know the reaction will be negative?

What we must do to help our children find success in business is to support them when they find something they want to run with. They may have the idea, but we adults have the experience. Our job is to point them in the right directions, to offer guidance as far as marketing, to make suggestions on how to better the product or service, and depending upon the child's age, make the phone calls needed to get the ball rolling.

The eleven-year old in this clip started this business when she was eight (after a failed business at the ripe old age of five). Her belief in herself as well as her product got her to the point where she could give back to others, which lead to her winning a college scholarship.

Think of who she may become because of the experiences she's had in business starting as a kindergartner: a failed business, selling in brick and mortar as well as online, social media marketing, additional SKUs, donating her product to those in need, international trade, making charitable donations to an organization dear to her heart, learning supply and demand, understanding cost, wholesale and resale, and finally success.

These are invaluable experiences that can only help her later in life. Should we push all children into business at an early age? Of course not, but the children that gravitate toward it should be encouraged, not shunned. It offers them confidence, self-esteem and pride. 

Good Article on Raising Financial Savvy Kids

I love talking to my kids and students about finances and how to think of money not as something you must work for, but as something that works for you. 

I recently read this piece by Thomas Corley, called "Will Your Child Be Rich or Poor? 15 Poverty Habits Parents Teach Their Children". I was a bit torn. There were parts that I thought were spot on, and others that seemed a bit degrading.

The first part of the piece was a list of fifteen stats comparing the wealthy and the poor, things like, "6% of the wealthy play the lottery vs 77% of the poor" and "72% of the wealthy know their credit score vs. 5% of the poor". 

These statistics give the impression that if the poor change their habits and stop playing the lottery and find their credit scores, they can become wealthy. But, I wondered if it wasn't the other way around, if maybe it wasn't the actions that created their financial situations, but their financial situations that created the actions.

If you are poor, do you really want to be reminded of your credit score? If you are poor and see no way out, wouldn't the lottery hold out some hope for you? I'm not stating that the financial circumstances create the actions in the statistics Corley lists, but it got me thinking. 

The second part of the piece I absolutely loved. Corley lists habits that parents and teachers should instill in children to create better opportunities for success, things like creating to-do lists and sending thank you cards. 

If kids learned these habits and internalized them, I truly believe they would be happier, healthier, better balanced, more successful, and possibly better off financially as adults.

If you get a few minutes, it's worth the read.


image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/idahoeditor