Leon Scott Baxter's Blog, page 4

Two Minutes of Teen Reason

My sixteen year old has really begun to embrace the "teen" part of "sixteen". She's a great kid: straight A's, good group of friends, not boy-crazy, a don't hear curse words or see cigarette ashes or smell alcohol on her breath. But, she still can annoy the begonias out of me!

This week she was sick, so she stayed home from school. On Thursday she asked if she could go to a friend's house to sleep over.

"What?!!!"

Was she serious? One, she was sick. Two, we don't do social calls at 9pm on school nights. And, three, sleepovers on school nights just don't happen in our home.

She argued that she was feeling better, that the next day was a short, wasted day at school, and that all of her friends' parents were allowing their girls to go to the sleepover (damn those other parents who make us look like the mean ones).

But we put our foot down and told her it wasn't happening. Then, she asked if she could just stay home from school the next day seeing that it was a shortened day, all her friends would be staying home (those damn parents again), and that since she still had a decent cough, riding her bike to school would aggravate it, and she'd be hacking like a lumberjack.

Like I said, she takes her school work seriously, so her mom and I told her that she could make the call, but that if she chose to stay home, she shouldn't expect us to let her hang out with her friends that evening. This is when she fully embraced her "teeness" and got incredibly upset. "It's not fair" (her mantra for 2016), she expressed.

Then she went into this whole monologue about how she missed her friends, and that she has good grades, and she's coughing, but actually feels better, on and on with more confusing teen logic. We stood firm. You make the decision: go to school and hang with friends, or stay home and... stay home.

Our old-person logic was that if you can't hang with a two mile bike ride (no inclement weather) and a couple hours at school, then you're not up to hanging with friends later that day. The "discussion" ended with an attempted door slam (our cheap doors are too light to actually slam) and she decided to stay home.

So, what's the point of this post? Well, the next day she ended up texting her mom during the day to tell her she was sorry for the way she acted (from a 16-year old...my 16-year old?), and that she went overboard. Turns out, none of her friends' parents let them stay home from school and they all went...but her (Now we look like the parents that make all the others look mean). 

I couldn't believe she admitted her mistake and actually apologized. Just goes to show us that our little girl is still in there somewhere under all of the make-up, hair products and outfits from Tilly's. 

Thing is, when we got home later that night, she had used all of her time at home to create a Power Point presentation as to why she should still go out with her friends that night...at least we had those two minutes of reason from our teen.

image courtesy of morgue file (mantasmagorical)

Really Bad Couches

There's a good chance you already know the story about Ethan Couch, the "Affluenza Teen" who fled to Mexico to avoid the consequences of breaking his probation. If you are not familiar with the story, click here to get a quick recap.

When Ethan was sixteen, while under the influence, he plowed his truck into people and a couple of cars, killing four and injuring nine. Instead of jail time, Couch received ten years of probation. Why? Because a judge didn't want to blame the kid because he was a child of privilege. No joke. Not kidding! He got off because he was spoiled.

According to a 20/20 episode, his folks were loaded. Ethan was not disciplined nor consequenced. Everyday was Christmas for Couch. He wanted a jet ski. Folks bought him one. In the mood for a Nintendo? Next day it's his. 

His folks let him start driving when he was thirteen. They bought him his own home (yes, his own home) when he was fifteen. They gave him a tricked out truck, and he had parties with alcohol and drugs at his personal home down the street.

In a deposition, his mom said she couldn't remember the last time her son was disciplined. 

These parents never parented their son. they gave him what he wanted, so he never learned how the world worked. If he wanted something, he expected to have it immediately, and his parents made sure that happened. 

​These parents are perfect examples of Snow-Plow Parents gone rogue. By not giving their son boundaries, by giving him everything he wanted, by Ethan never knowing consequences, they created a monster that killed four people. And, the sad part is that our judicial system instilled in him that he still doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions, by giving the teen probation.

Well, the final blow comes now that Couch broke probation and was found partying on an online video. So, instead of taking his punishment, Mommy comes to her boys's aid again and shuttles him off to Mexico to hide him from US Marshals and the FBI. 

When will these parents ever learn? I know it's too late for the Couches, but it's not too late for most of us. Give kids boundaries. Make rules. Follow through on their consequences. And, let them be uncomfortable. Discomfort today will help them so much in the future.

image courtesy of ​©MorgueFile.com/bang

I Get To Lift Weights to Intimidate My Daughter's Boyfriend

Many of you already know that I am the father of two girls, Grace and Riley, twelve and sixteen. Some of yo u may know that I am also a bit of a fitness nut. I exercise six days a week (basketball, weights, yoga, etc...). I eat pretty well. I've done the P90X exercise program three times and Insanity once. 

The thing is, I'm going to be 47 this week. I'm an old man in the world of fitness. Shouldn't I get to live the rest of my days eating something other than salmon, asparagus and brown rice? The truth is that my daughters have been my fitness inspiration for many years.

See, I've always said that I'd work out until the girls moved out of the house. I want to be ready when they bring home boys. I've kidded that when that day comes, I will tear off my shirt, grab my ax and chop the wood I've been holding onto for over a decade. Then, I'd come in, sweaty and dirty, and extend the hand not holding the ax and shake the boy's hand, "Hi, I'm Riley's father, Mr. Baxter."

My wife shared this running joke with a friend recently who didn't find it all that funny. Apparently she had recently read an article written by a mother of a teen boy, who found this kind of joking and posturing offensive and disrespectful.

You have to realize, that I didn't read the piece, although I would have loved to. What I'm working from is what my wife told that her friend told her, after reading the piece. 

Based on that, it sounded as if her boy was polite and respectful to the young women he dated, and she (as well as her son) felt insulted when a father of a teen girl tried to put him in his place, even if he's joking.

I was once that same boy. I was polite and respectful to the girls I dated, and I moved awfully slowly (partially out of that respect, as well as my lack of experience). But, I recall datinig a girl in high school whose dad was a police officer. He was very nice to me, but I knew he was a cop who had a pistol in a box on the top shelf of his closet. So, when things ever got hot and heavy, I knew I had to make good choices knowing that there was a dad with a gun waiting back at home. And, that was fine, because the brain of a teen boy (even the polite and respectful ones) can easily get overrun with emotion and passion. Having that pistol-check in the back of my mind, allowed me to think before I acted.

​I only joke about the whole ax thing, but the exercise part is very real. I want any boy who is dating my daughter to have in the back of his mind, "Her dad is pretty cut," so that he will slow down before he acts.

And, if this will offend the boy and/or his mom, so be it. We are still living in a world where there are far more sexual assaults on girls than there are on boys. So, I will take that risk that I might make a sensitive young man a bit uncomfortable to ensure that my daughter is safe. 

Besides, I have been on both sides of this coin. I was that polite, respectful teen who was put in his place, by the Alpha Male police officer dad. And, now I am the dad of two girls. The writer of the piece that I am referring to, has never been either. 

If you can find the original piece, please comment below so I can read it myself. Thanks.

Image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/taliesin

Family Meetings Improving...Kinda

Today we had our second family meeting since our 5-Day Parenting Experiment. All in all, it went better than the week before. I think part of it has to do with the fact that it was a much shorter meeting. Last week went long because we were introducing the concepts in Duct Tape Parenting, and apparently not everything sunk in.

They say that people really only retain about 10% of what they hear the first go 'round. That was obvious when my eldest, Riley, asked, "Why are we even trying to change anything? What's the point?"

Last week, I thought that was made so incredibly clear, but I'm guessing that we sounded like Charlie Brown's parents "wah wah, wah wa wa wah" after yammering on for over ten minutes.

So, we had to reiterate that we want to make change for two reasons: 1) we want them to be self-sufficient by the time they head out the house at age eighteen, and 2) we want them to start to take up some of the slack, some of the burden off of our back (no, they won't jump at this chance just because they're good girls) so that we will have more time to dedicate to them, to teach them to drive, take them to the store, help with homework, pick up friends, etc...

Last week, the girls copped out a bit and said they wanted to work on us reminding them to do dishes and pick up their items. In other words, they wanted nothing to change. This week, Grace, my twelve year old, said she'd like to prove to me that she can grocery shop. So, she'll come with me once a month on my weekly shopping trip and will take the reigns.

While her sister was making this choice, Riley's attention span was running short. "You choose something for me," she told me. 

"Oh no, no, no," I responded. "You need to choose what you want to get under your wing. If I choose it, it's really not yours." So, she decided that she would focus this week on putting away her laundry.

It wasn't ideal, but we think this meeting went better, and that they have a better understanding of what we're doing and why we're doing it. The more we meet weekly and discuss this, we think it will all make more sense to them and will become more of who they are, and who they will become.

image courtesy of ​©MorgueFile.com/pippalou

Post Experiment Meeting: Fighting Siblings

Curious how the culminating meeting went after our five-day experiment, based on the book, Duct Tape Parenting?

Not well. I think it would have gone better had we only one child, but because we have two, there was a lot of accusations and defending of oneself. Now, mind you, we prefaced the meeting ("we" meaning me and my wife, Mary) by telling our girls (12 and 16) that we were going to report what we noticed, saw, and found, that these are not attacks or accusations. 

We had taken notes and photos and started with the positive things we'd noticed. Then we discussed what was not done, the things that we would have nagged them about or done ourselves after we got tired of the constant reminders. That's when the defense sprang to life: The only reason that wasn't done was because I had to do my homework and then I forgot. Or, the attacks: That wasn't my job. I would have put the dishes in the washer, but she never put the clean ones away.

To be honest, it made me very sad. I was hoping that it would enlighten the girls as to all that we generally nage them about and do for them. But, instead, they felt attacked. 

Next we made lists of things they could do and were willing to do, things they could do, but weren't consistently willing to do, things they couldn't do yet, and we created a fourth list not in the book of things they've not been asked to do yet.

We told the girls that we want them to start owning more responsibilities in the house for three reasons: 
1. So they will be ready to handle the adult world when they are 18 and not come running back home three years later.
2. So they don't have to hear us nag, reminder and lecture them. and, 
3. So they can have more of our time. We told them with all of the reminders, nagging and us picking up after them, it all adds up, and we deserve down time as well (reading, TV, exercise, time to talk as a couple). If we get our down time and they start taking some of the responsibilities off of our shoulders, when they ask for our time, we'd be more willing to give it: to reread a homework essay, to watch a movie together, to take them to the store, to pick up friends for a sleepover.

Finally, after that motivating talk as to why they should do more at home, we asked them to choose some things from the lists we had created to work on. And, (here's what killed me) neither girl wanted to attack anything new, nothing from the can but aren't willing to do list, nothing from the can't do list, and nothing from the haven't been asked list. They took the easy way out. They said this week they'll try to do what they normally do with less reminders...Cop out!

So, we'll see where this goes. We revisit next Sunday. If they are choosing not to do more, looks like Mary and I will continue to do it, and they'll find more negative responses to their requests...not as punishments, but as a result of lack of time.

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/phaewilk

Day 5 of the Experiment: Can't Wait for Tomorrow

You can't imagine how happy I am for tomorrow. Our five day, Duct Tape Parenting experiment is over. Again, dishes are piled in the sink. My wife and I went to a holiday party this evening, so the girls took care of their own dinner (kudos to them), but as I head off to bed, there's half a pot of mac and cheese on the stove and a ladle with some of the pasta sitting on the counter.

So, what will come of all of this? My wife, Mary, has been taking notes and I take photos daily. We'll show the girls and tell them what we noticed and they will defend themselves and blame the other one. But, we hope that they realize that we aren't attacking them. Instead, we want them to realize that all of the things we took note of, would have been us nagging or straightening up.

We wnat them to know that we no longer want to nag or do their work. Will that motivate them to step it up? Probably not, but we'll also explain that we want to take time out of our days to help them with their homework, to take them to the store, to take them out to practice driving. But, we also deserve our downtime, and if they force us to do their work (a little here and a little there) it all adds up, and that takes away from the time we deserve to wind down. So, we will still take that time, but it might be at the expense of the time they want from us.

So, we are hoping that they will see the correlation between doing their part and our ability to do more with them. We'll see how it goes with our culminating meeting tomorrow.

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/anitapeppers

Day 4 of the Parenting Experiment: All We Can Stand!

It's Day Four of the Duct Tape Parenting book experiment. My wife and I are not "nagging" our daughters to do what they are supposed to be doing, and, let me tell you, I can't wait to finish this thing...It's hard!

I woke up this morning and the dishes hadn't been done. I had just assumed they had been done, so I started frying my eggs, and when I reached for the spatula, it wasn't there. I also made a huge smoothie (as I do many mornings) and I fill up this extra large cup I got years ago from an amusement park. Today...no cup! So, I filled up two normal size cups and used them instead.

My wife, Mary, told me, "I can't stand this any more!" Our twelve year old daughter tried on Mar's boots, took them off in the garage and just left them there. My wife was happy she stumbled across them. Our daughter also borrowed my wife's scarf, which was found on a random shelf in the house. 

But, we duct tape our mouths and say nothing. Mary takes notes. I take photos and on Sunday we have a talk with the girls about what worked, what doesn't and the next step (changes) that we'll take.

One more day...Pray for us!

image courtesy of 5demayo

Parenting Experiment: Day 3 - Your Move, Girls

I woke up this morning and found the sink was emptied of the dirty dishes. Yay! That means that maybe my girls are not as quick as I'd like them to be with regard to straightening up, but they are still aware of their responsibilities...well, at least some of their responsibilities.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, take a look at my last two posts. My wife and I are in the midst of a parenting experiment based off of the book, Duct Tape Parenting, and we have to avoid nagging (we call it "reminding") the girls to do the things they are expected to do. After the five days we get to talk about what we've learned and go from there.

So, yes my girls can wash dirty dishes, and the pancake I had found on the pan in the kitchen in the evening was even gone in the morning...but the ingredients weren't. There were spices and baking powder (why baking powder in pancakes? I have no idea) sitting on the kitchen counter...right next to the basketball that's been out for two days.

Shoes are still on the floor, clothes are all over the bathroom, school items are spread about everywhere. And, we have to keep our lips zipped. here's the good part, though. Tomorrow eveing we're supposed to get our Christmas tree, and traditionally we decorate it the night we get it....Not this year!

See, when we decorate the tree, we also put out our house decorations: snow globes, Santa statues, Nativity scene, wreaths, etc... But, we can't put those out because the house is a mess. We aren't supposed to nag the girls, but we can refuse to decorate. When they ask why, we can just say the house is too dirty. 

Let's see what they do. Your move girls!

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/Andalusia

Day Two Of The Parenting Experiment

It's only been one day of the Duct Tape Parenting experiment and my house is a mess! Dishes are piled up in the sink, shoes are in the office, school items are strewn about the floor, and there's a cooked, uneaten, chocolate chip pancake 1n a pan on the stove presumably from earlier this morning.

I've caught myself numerous times before telling the girls to pick up this or put away that. This is going to be hard, but I am hoping that it will either get straightened up this evening before I go to bed, or that it will get so incredibly bad that my girls won't help but to notice the disaster we once called a house, and maybe they'll see how much we "nag" and why we do it.

We we finish our five-day experiment, hopeful the girls will be enlightened and want to make changes on their own (What are the odds of that happening?). If not, we get to try tactic number two: "Don't you want to be prepared for life by the time you are 18?" And, if that doesn't work, we go to the old "Well, if you don't help around the house and we have to do all the work, we will be unable to take you to the store, drop you off at your friend's house, watch that movie with you, help you with your homework, etc..." Not because we are punishing them, but be cause we are using that time we could use with them, doing the things they could be doing to help the household.

​Crossing my fingers!

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/SDRandCo

Five Day Parenting Experiment

I like my parenting book, Secrets of Safety-Net Parenting , but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate other books that help me as a dad. This summer I read Duct Tape Parenting by Vicki Hoefle. I really liked a lot of what she wrote about in her book. I wanted to implement some of her ideas and strategies right away, but I didn't want to do it without buy-in from my wife, Mary. So, I gave her the book and asked her to read it so we could start the duct-tape process.

Mary finally finished the book. We talked about our plan of action, and decided to implement it in December.

Today is the first of December, so we have begun. Now, I am not an expert in Hoefle's techniques, but if we understand correct, we are to start with this five-day experiment. We told our daughters about it, and now we're off to the races.

So, this five-day experiment is Mary and me putting duct tape over our mouths (figuratively... at least for the first couple of days), and we don't remind the girls to do what they are expected to do. We don't clean up after them. We don't do what they are supposed to. All we do is observe, take notes and keep our mouths shut.

What's the point? According to our interpretation of the book, it's to categorize what our girls can't do, can do (but aren't willing to), and can (and are willing to) do. Once armed with this information, we are to share it with our girls, let them know that our job is to get them ready for the real world by the time they are eighteen, and ask them which of the things they won't or can't do they want to start working on.

We'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now, we just need to get through the next five days. Does that mean we may end up with a pile of dishes, eating off paper plates? Could be. Does that mean we may have to wade through piles of dirty socks and sweatshirts? Quite possibly. But, it's part of the process. 

Keeping our fingers crossed and our mouths shut. Wish us luck. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/cyblor