Leon Scott Baxter's Blog, page 3

Don't Smart Kids Learn From Their Mistakes?

My youngest daughter, Grace, is twelve. She's incredible...so very intelligent and creative. When she was five she started her first business. At eight, she began her second business. This one, very successful for a third grader. A month later she started donating a portion of her proceeds to charity.

Grace has taught herself how to be a 3-D animator. She was in GATE classes in grade school, takes honor's classes in middle school, and we just got her progress report today: all A's. So, yes, she's a smart-patarty.

So, my question is, how is it that she rarely seems to learn from her mistakes. Grace is just about as clumsy as she is smart. When she was in second grade, I told her a would give her five bucks the day she could show me she had no bruises on her body (yes, she fell that much). I held that five-dollar bill for a good two years...that's over 700 days of my clutzy girl in bruises (I feel fortunate that no teacher had ever called CPS on me and my wife).

I know clumsiness is something that she will live with all her life. But, I would think that there would be ways for her to reduce the clumsy that is Grace. She sits on our stools at the counter and always rocks, which inevitably leads to a stool falling and pounding our hardwood floor.

"No more leaning in the chair," I have said 214 times. And, she whole-heartedly agrees, nods and promises. Next thing I hear while I'm in my bedroom, is wood hitting wood, followed by Grace's, "Sorry."

I am always exhaulting that everyone makes mistakes, but the wise ones learn from them, and avod repeating them. Yet, Grace is constantly doing exactly what she knows has caused her to fall, step on the dog, drop a glass, even though she's vowed she wouldn't. Just this week, she was using her laptop, and put it down on the sofa without looking where she placed it. I saw that it wasn't in a safe spot.

"Grace! Grace!" I called as she walked away from the machine. I began to slide from the sofa. Before she realized it, it banged against the wood floor. The screen looked like an electric, horizontal zebra pattern, and it began honking like an injured miniature goose. She had broken her laptop.

It was all I could do to keep from saying, "I've told you a thousand times to watch what you are doing." Didn't need to. She was devastated.

But, I would think that a person who continued to make the same mistakes, mistakes that affecting her negatively, probably wasn't the sharpest tack in the box. The thing is depending on the box, there's a good chance Grace is the sharpest tack. 

I don't get it. Wouldn't her rerun of mistakes prove that her brain wasn't as engaged as one might think of a straight-A, honors student, who's run her own business for the last four years? Someone help me out here!

I guess it's partly our fault..Grace just has trouble living up to the name we gave her. 

image courtesy of ​http://www.freestockphotos.biz/stockphoto/9241

Don't Smart Kids Learn From their Mistakes?

My youngest daughter, Grace, is twelve. She's incredible...so very intelligent and creative. When she was five she started her first business. At eight, she began her second business. This one, very successful for a third grader. A month later she started donating a portion of her proceeds to charity.

Grace has taught herself how to be a 3-D animator. She was in GATE classes in grade school, takes honor's classes in middle school, and we just got her progress report today: all A's. So, yes, she's a smart-patarty.

So, my question is, how is it that she rarely seems to learn from her mistakes. Grace is just about as clumsy as she is smart. When she was in second grade, I told her a would give her five bucks the day she could show me she had no bruises on her body (yes, she fell that much). I held that five-dollar bill for a good two years...that's over 700 days of my clutzy girl in bruises (I feel fortunate that no teacher had ever called CPS on me and my wife).

I know clumsiness is something that she will live with all her life. But, I would think that there would be ways for her to reduce the clumsy that is Grace. She sits on our stools at the counter and always rocks, which inevitably leads to a stool falling and pounding our hardwood floor.

"No more leaning in the chair," I have said 214 times. And, she whole-heartedly agrees, nods and promises. Next thing I hear while I'm in my bedroom, is wood hitting wood, followed by Grace's, "Sorry."

I am always exhaulting that everyone makes mistakes, but the wise ones learn from them, and avod repeating them. Yet, Grace is constantly doing exactly what she knows has caused her to fall, step on the dog, drop a glass, even though she's vowed she wouldn't. Just this week, she was using her laptop, and put it down on the sofa without looking where she placed it. I saw that it wasn't in a safe spot.

"Grace! Grace!" I called as she walked away from the machine. I began to slide from the sofa. Before she realized it, it banged against the wood floor. The screen looked like an electric, horizontal zebra pattern, and it began honking like an injured miniature goose. She had broken her laptop.

It was all I could do to keep from saying, "I've told you a thousand times to watch what you are doing." Didn't need to. She was devastated.

But, I would think that a person who continued to make the same mistakes, mistakes that affecting her negatively, probably wasn't the sharpest tack in the box. The thing is depending on the box, there's a good chance Grace is the sharpest tack. 

I don't get it. Wouldn't her rerun of mistakes prove that her brain wasn't as engaged as one might think of a straight-A, honors student, who's run her own business for the last four years? Someone help me out here!

I guess it's partly our fault..Grace just has trouble living up to the name we gave her. 

image courtesy of ​http://www.freestockphotos.biz/stockphoto/9241

Our Teen's Appetite Is Significant

It's Saturday...and there's food in my refrigerator! This may not seem astonishing to many of you, but if you do weekly grocery shopping for the family every Sunday like I do, and you have a teenager, it makes perfect sense.

My wife, Mary, and I have two daughters, 12 and 16, and I am the grocery shopper in our home. It's been my job for years. I'm good at finding deals, using my club card, and maximizing coupons. I relish looking at my receipt and seeing "You Saved 41% Today". Besides, if I shop, I get to choose what we're going to eat for the week.

But, today I opened the fridge and still couldn't see the white of the back walls. Our fruit bowl still has bananas, oranges, a pineapple and one of those mini-watermelons. We still have half a gallon of milk, and in our pantry I saw an unopened bag of Wheat Thins Pita Chips. What am I going to do when I go shopping tomorrow?

A more important question might be, Why is there still food in my house? And, the answer is simple: because my teenager has been gone all week.

My 16-year old, Riley, has been traveling in the Caribbean via a cruise ship, with a close friend, her family as well as a third girl. It's the longest she's been away from home away without the rest of the family, a total of ten days. It's good practice for us; we're getting a taste of what life will be like once she heads off to college in a year and a half.

Her little sister, Grace, misses her, as do Mary and I, but we FaceTime with her, call and text almost daily. Grace is getting our (Mom and Dad's) our full attention (something she's never really had before). Riley is learning what life is like with roommates and a little more independence.

But, the most unexpected benefit of her being gone has been the free grub the ship offers. Riley is trying new foods (escargot) and enjoying experimenting with her palate. We knew that teens ate a lot, but we had no idea how much until after Riley had been gone a week. We actually have food leftover, and that means, that although we will miss our daughter once she moves away after high school graduation, our grocery budget will decrease significantly.

Yeah, I know, spending less on groceries doesn't quite balance out how much we'll miss our girl, but it doesn't hurt. And, after the youngest one is away as well, we might actually be able to afford a cruise ourselves.

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/diannehope

I Love Sharing Random Acts of Kindness With My Daughters

In 2013 I decided to challenge myself to do a Random Act of Kindness (RAOK) a day for the month of April. After a few days of the challenge, I opened it up to my friends, my students, my wife and my daughters. I found that involving my kids was such an incredible experience.

This year will be our fourth go at The April RAOK Challenge, and the movement is growing, including schools, and sororities, and clubs and businesses. I think, though, that the biggest benefit is getting our kids involved with kindness early on in their lives.

My daughters are now 12 and 16. When we started they were 9 and 13. We've made cookies for the local fire department, passed out cold drinks on a hot day, and the parking fee for the person behind us entering an amusement parking lot.

I have found that our daughters learn good behaviors (and probably bad ones, as well) through what my wife and I model: eating, exercise, reading, refraining from profanity, and even kindness. When they see us helping someone on the street or mowing the neighbor's lawn, they realize this is jus "what we do" and they become a part of the experience.

It also gives us common ground what with them being in the teen/tween years. At this age, our daughters don't necessarily always want to be around us (unless we are taking them somewhere or buying them something), but when we're baking to surprise someone, or we're giving people cold drinks, they don't mind so much being in the kitchen or on the bike path with their parents.

And, as it turns out, kids who are kind to others, who give to their community, who volunteer have increased self-esteem and confidence, decreased stress, are calmer and end up doing better in school. They feel a connection to their community and realize they are part of something bigger than just themselves.

I am thrilled to be sharing RAOK Month with my daughters again this April. If you would like to learn more about it join us on Facebook. Also, here's a list of kid-friendly RAOK you might consider sharing with your child. Finally, here's a list of RAOK videos that inspire young people.

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/rosevita

Our Temporary "Only Child"

For four and a half years it was just me, my wife and our daughter, Riley. Then, Grace came along and expanded our little family. Grace has always lived in a home that she shared with her older sister. Riley remembers life without her younger sister, Grace. My wife and I remember life with just one daughter, but Grace has never experienced life as an only child.

There have been times when Riley has been gone for the weekend or for sleepovers, but nothing more than a couple of days...that is until two days ago. Riley had the opportunity to go on a spring break cruise with a couple of girlfriends and another family. She'll be gone for eleven days...a week and a half, with no Riley!

It's the first time that Grace has had me and her mom just to herself for this long. I see this as a great opportunity for our daughter to get undivided attention from her parents, attention that she really hasn't had the opportunity to experience ever in her life.

But, instead of being delighted at the possibilities, Grace at first only saw that her sister was gone. She didn't know to be excited about being an only child for a week and a half, because since she'd never experienced it before, she didn't know what she was missing. She only knew she missed her big sis.

On the first night she longingly went through videos of her and her sister. She grinned ear to ear, when she got a text from Riley. When her sister called, she rushed to the phone to join the conversation.

But, my wife and I are still giving her the only-child treatment, and I think Grace is really starting to dig it. So far one morning she and I watched a Harry Potter movie we hadn't seen yet. As I write this, she and her mom are in the kitchen making salsa and guacamole for our Mexican Dinner Bar tonight. We'll be heading to Frozen Yogurt in a couple of nights and are going to the movies later this week.

Grace still misses her sister, but she's starting to appreciate having Mom and Dad to herself with no teen interruptions. She's getting a taste of what life will be like in a year and a half, when Riley will head off to college...and so are we.

image courtesy of https://pixabay.com/en/only-child-autism-toys-shadow-723822/

Does She Really Need To Fail in Every Situation?

As a parent, I am all about letting my children make mistakes ("fail" if you will) in order for them to learn from their errors and make wiser choices or decisions next time.

Some of you know, my oldest daughter, Riley, has a pretty successful YouTube channel. Recently, she was asked to star in a series of videos for a different, very popular YouTube channel as a guest host. They needed her to supply them with her minor's entertainment work permit, as well as her Coogan account information in order for her to be paid.

I wasn't exactly sure what the Coogan account was. I remember the child actor from the films of the twenties, and something about him not getting the money he deserved when he came of age... kind of like Gary Coleman of Diff'rent Strokes fame in the eighties. 

This was on a Friday and the shoot was on Monday. So, being the "Safety-Net Parent" that I am, I told my sixteen year old to contact the management company and ask about the account as well as asking for a contact number in case we got caught in traffic or something. She can do this. She's a big girl. I've taught her well, and this is her gig, her love, her passion.

So, Friday night she hangs out with friends. Saturday night she spends at a friend's house, then heads to a nearby amusement park the next day. When she finally walks in the door on Sunday evening, I ask what the management company said. She tells me (get this), "I haven't checked my email in two days."

WHAT?!

So, Riley looks, and sees that just a few minutes after sending her email on Friday night, they responded. They gave us the contact number, and explained what the Coogan account was, and that she'd need to open one before the shoot...at 9 a.m....the next morning. 

There was NO WAY we'd be able to get a Coogan account in time. And, I'm thinking, how is it that my daughter has not learned yet responsibility? She's smart and at times seems to use the gray matter between her ears. I have given her lots of opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them in less "important" situations. So, trying to stay calm, I ask my high school junior why she didn't take responsibility on this situation.

And, after she rambles off some not-so-heartfelt apologies, and some illogical excuses about "people distractions" (translation: "hanging out with friends") I realize that she didn't take responsibility for this situation, because she'd never been in this situation before. She had never been asked to check for a response on an email on a Friday night regarding a bank account before going to an amusement park for a video shoot in three days.

Oh sure, I've given her plenty of other opportunities to learn responsibility in her life, but because she has a teen brain, and not one that has been fully cooked, it appears that she has difficulties transferring her learning from one situation to the next. Therefore, I realize, if she is to make good decisions in her life, I must provide her with every conceivable situation in the universe in order for her to know how to handle each one...individually.

Do I really mean this? No. But, it sure as heck felt like it on Sunday evening. I will keep giving her opportunities to make decisions and if she fails, there's another learning opportunity. And, maybe when her brain is fully cooked, she be able to make the leap from one situation to the next. Until then, we deal with them one at a time, as they come up.

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/markgraf

Leave the Kids at Home When You Go to Costco

I just got back from Costco. I love February at Costco, because that's the month they send me my rebate check, cash money that I have been accumulating all year for using their credit card.

My wife and I shop once a month at Costco, because we can't afford to do it more often. We like this monthly adventure, because we leave our two daughters, 12 and 16, home while we get to spend quality time together buying refried beans in bulk as well as feminine products by the gross. It almost passes as a date: over an hour long, just the two of us (and 17,306 strangers), we laugh and joke, flirt a bit, and eat all along the way. Can't beat that.

But today, as we arived at the Costco parking lot, I remembered that our rebate check was still back at home in our kitchen drawer. I told my wife, Mary, that one of us had to go back for it while the other shopped. Well, since my wife was rear-ended a few weeks back and her 1999 Toyota RAV was being serviced, she was driving a late model Jeep Cherokee. And, my wife had already staked her claim on this borrowed vehicle. So, she jumped back in the car and headed home while I scoured the acres of warehouse aisles shopping and waiting for my wife to return with our check.

Well, turns out, without all the banter and flirting, I can get my Costco shopping done solo in under an hour (though it's not nearly as fun). So, I called Mary, told her I'd be near the pharmacy and I waited.

That's when I saw a mom shopping with her two kids, a girl who looked about ten and a boy who was tall and lanky, almost his mom's height, probably about fourteen. I could see her, but not hear everything she was saying. She had her hands over her ears and was forcefully saying, "Stop it. Just cut it out!" as far as I could tell from reading her lips.

Her son came at her with a devious smile on his face, saying something that caused Mom to put her fingers in her ears and say "I can't do this. I just can't do this!" The boy seemed to be enjoying this. Little Sister walked away, arms folded, scowling. Mom couldn't see her any more. So, she came over to retrieve her daughter, "I can't get rid of him," she told her daughter. "So, we just have to deal with it." She was speaking of her beanstalk teen, I am assuming.

My first instinct was that Mom needed to show her son who was in control, that she shouldn't fall apart in public, that she needed to shift the power in the situation. But, then I remembered that I have been there before, a place where my daughters have gotten on my last nerve and it's all I can do not to duct tape them to a telephone pole. In those situations I remember not caring about what anyone thought. All I wanted to know was how I was going to make it to the end of the day without being arrested for what I was thinking, then wondering how I was going to make it until she would head off to college.

Then, Mary showed up, and I remembered why we left the girls at home. On with our samples of clam chowder and our Costco date.

image courtesy of ©MorgueFile.com/Prawny

Throwing Out the Duct Tape for The List

I tried. I swear, I tried. A few months ago my wife and I gave the book, Duct Tape Parenting , the old college try. I chronicled our efforts right her on this blog starting on December 1st of 2015. 

I absolutely LOVE the idea behind the book: our kids need to learn a bunch of stuff during the 18 years they are with us, if they are to be ready to be adults when we boot them from the nest. The book is great in listing lots of things I didn't even think of when it comes to what my 12 and 16 year old daughters need to know before walking out our door.

They give us a 5-day experiment (which, by the way, was an incredible test of patience) in order to find what the girls can do, can't do and can do, but aren't willing to do. 

Since the beginning of December, we've had weekly meetings in order for the girls to decide what they want to work on next so they can feel closer to being ready for adulthood. What I loved about it was the answer to my question: Why would the girls want to take on more responsibility? And, the answer was because it not only gives them a since of empowerment, but it also frees us, as parents, up to say "yes" more: yes to driving practice, yes to playing games, yes to shooting hops yes to running out and picking up something for them at the store.

I have great daughters (not perfect, but good kids), but during our Sunday night family meetings I could feel the eye-rolls that the girls were forcing themselves not to commit. They only chose a new area to tackle because they were "supposed to." They really weren't motivated to do this.

So, my wife and I reevaluated and decided that the girls didn't get enough say in what they should work on (although, they had all the say). They just didn't feel like they got to choose enough. 

I absolutely think Duct Tape Parenting is spot on when it comes to it's ideas, but it didn't work with my girls because we started it too late. I recommend the book for parents of toddlers and little guys, but it's fighting an uphill battle with older children.

But, we haven't given up. We are now using the "Ready for Adulthood" checklist. It's a long list (six pages), but it's written directly to the child. And, it's a list of all the things that kids should be able to do before walking out of the house after 18 years. So, instead of us telling the girls they've mastered it or not, we are putting the list in their hands.

They read it and check off the items they can do. The ones left are the ones they can choose to work on, and we'll meet every week to see where they are. This time we won't tell them we agree or not with what they can or can't do. Again, it's ll in their hands. Hopefully, this empowerment will motivate them to move forward on their own. 

I'll let you know.


image courtesy of ​©MorgueFile.com/jdurham

Family Trips

We took the last 4-day weekend and made it a 5-day so my wife, and I and our two daughters could go on a whirlwind family vacation to Orlando. Let me first recount the many obstacles I personally had to endure to make this happen:

• As a teacher, writing lesson plans for the substitute teacher almost took as long as teaching the same lessons
• I didn't eat any meals for the first 19 hours of our trip (unless a banana and blue chips counts)
• And, I didn't sleep for the first 40 hours (yes, I did catch a few minutes here and there, but no more than two hours total)
• The head cold I brought with me decided to try to escape upon landing and I felt like Kirk from an episode of Start Trek when aliens invaded James' mind
• My coughing fits
• We missed our connecting flight at JFK my almost 2 hours due to weather and fuel condition
• We arrived out our final destination six hours late
• Our reservation for The Blue Man Show was put in on the wrong date
• Once they got us in the show, they gave our seats away
• I thought I possibly cracked a vertebra in my neck when a giant ball at The Blue Man Show fell on my head when the lights went out
• The front desk clerk at our hotel forgot to give us our keys upon check-in
• The email I sent to the hotel manager in order to get my itinerary printed froze the resort's printer

But, then there were these:
• Our daughters actually enjoyed interacting with one another
• They slept in the same bed without bickering and arguing
• They laughed together and we don't know why
• We didn't watch TV
• There were no sleepovers
• The family was forced to reconnect
• We actually talked on buses, planes, in line, and at meals
• We remembered we can all four have fun as a family
• We went on rides and saw shows together
• We laughed... a lot: at my 16-year old having trouble pronouncing words, at my 12-year old's clumsiness, at my wife's attempts at accents, and at my snoring!

Although there were many obstacles, the positives far outweighed the negatives, and that's why we'd do it again!

Legitimate Praise

As many of you know, I am not only a father and husband, but I also teach third grade. Although I love teaching eight-year olds, the best part is when they come back to me in two years, five years, or ten years, and let me know what I taught them about life, and perseverance, and effort, and respect, and responsibility has stayed with them in life.

This school year one bright young man in my class (I'll call him Calvin) just refused to do much work. He turned in very few assignments, rarely turned in any homework, and sometimes wouldn't even turn in or complete in class tests. He was fully capable, but didn't have the support at home nor a personal history of success in school. So, he created this vision of himself as someone who could not do well, therefore he didn't do well.

You should know I am a rather strict teacher with very high expectations for my students. I want the best from them every day, and Calvin was absolutely not giving his best. Using the tough-love approach I am known for, I let him know how incredibly capable I knew he was, and when he wouldn't turn in work, I had him do it while other kids were doing more "fun" activities. Yet, Calvin was resolute in his stubbornness. I contacted his parents, moved him to different spots in the room, but he just wouldn't do the work. It seemed like neither my "tough" nor my "love" was affecting him.

Then, this month something incredible happened. I moved him to a new group within the classroom, a new set of students. He felt like he was part of a new community, and the "captain" of this team, a sweet young lady, took Calvin under her wing. She went through his papers everyday: "Take this one home and finish it. Recycle this one; you don't need it. Put this one in your writing folder." And, he came to school one day with his homework completed.

The other students were stunned, and they were proud of him, and I praised him like never before. Because of that, Calvin saw himself in a different light. He realized that all the words I had said to him earlier were actually true; he was capable and smart and could be successful. Calvin started doing his work. He smiled when people noticed his efforts. He began to offer more than what was asked of him.

So, what's this have to do with Safety-Net Parenting? Calvin proved to me that although I was telling him he was capable, it meant nothing to him because he knew he hadn't done anything that deserved that praise. He had to get out of his comfort zone and do, before the praise meant something. So, I guess as a parent I think we need to keep our eyes open for when our children take that step, get uncomfortable, and actually try, because that's when we need to praise the most. Had I or Calvin's peers missed the opportunity to point out our appreciation for his effort that one day he brought in all of his homework, he could have easily fallen back into his rut and thought "See, what's the point of even trying?"

Praise effort. Praise improvement. And, make the praise legitimate and valid. It really does make a difference to our children.

image courtsey of ©MorgueFile.com/kakisky