Clare De Graaf's Blog, page 38

A Guys House – Using Community to Foster Spiritual Growth in Young Men

A year ago I began meeting with a young man and a serious follower of Jesus. With the encouragement of some older mentors, he and some friends have established a house here in Grand Rapids, for single men. They’ve also established some “rules of life” for their house to encourage community, accountability and godliness.

What follows was written by these young men, edited for brevity. When I heard what these guys were doing, I thought immediately about it as another possible “cure” for Consensual Hypocrisy, on which I’ve been blogging.

Pragmatism – Your Children are Watching

When the book, The Classic Treatment and Situation Ethics, hit the shelves decades ago, Christians went crazy. And rightly so! Its thesis was that some moral absolutes could be set aside in certain situations if love was best served. Others expanded on this idea to say the “rightness or wrongness” of a decision depends on the outcome. This new pragmatism became the new litmus test of ethics.

Before you shake your head in disgust at this philosophy, I think all of us Christians are guilty of some form of situational ethics. In fact, it’s a natural extension of consensual hypocrisy on which I’ve blogged the past few weeks. Here’s how it works, subtly in real life – in my life.

Conversations with Young Christians Leaving the Church

“If Christianity were true, it would produce better people.”    

That’s where the real conversation often begins after thirty minutes of pleasantries and them sharing their personal history over a warm cup of coffee at Starbucks. They just lay it out. “This is why I don’t go to church anymore.” Sometimes in the way they make that statement, I sense they’re not really convinced Christianity isn’t true, but hope if they say it out loud, often enough they will. However, the second part, about Christianity not producing better people – in that, they’re true believers! Regardless, they just lay it out, unsure of how I’ll react, or where the conversation goes from there.

Who are these people and how did they find me? 

Consensual Hypocrisy – Part II

On Monday I posted Consensual Hypocrisy, Part I. Today I want to push toward some practical solutions to the problem.

Glass Houses
It’s been said, “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!” And, we Christians do live in glass houses – at least we’re supposed to. Jesus said, “A city on a hill cannot be hid, “and “Let your light so shine before men…” Our lives should be an open book. However, living like that carries its own risks. It makes us vulnerable to the criticism of others and that scares the wits out of us.

So imagine a street with glass houses on either side. There are things going on in my neighbors’ lives that are as visible to me as my actions and attitudes are to them. As we pass each other’s houses and see good, Christ-like behavior we shout a word of encouragement to them and cheer them on as we should. “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” I Thess. 5:11

However, occasionally we see something in their lives that’s troubling. It may not be anything big, but it’s a pattern that unsettles us because we know it’s either wrong or suspect it’s at least very unwise. In either case it’s a behavior that doesn’t appear to square with scripture or in our opinion, doesn’t make God look good. Something in their lives is moving in the wrong direction and we have this impression from God to speak up by picking up a small stone and tossing it their way, hoping this clink on their window will get their attention and have its hoped for outcome – a cessation of whatever the issue is.

Just then we notice that our neighbor isn’t at home. They’re actually standing in front of our house with a stone of their own in hand about to warn us of something they see in our lives. So, here we have two good willed people, who know right from wrong, who care about preserving godly behavior – not religious busybodies, but serious would be followers of Jesus. Our eyes meet, but instead of giving and receiving loving admonishment, something else occurs. Wordlessly we make a deal with one another to mutually suspend moral judgment. I’ll drop my stone, if you’ll drop yours. Consensual hypocrisy.

Consensual Hypocrisy – Part I

Every Christian is a hypocrite! Can we just admit that? All of us pretend to be better followers of Jesus than we really are and are often okay with that! But, why? Why aren’t we doing better? That’s the question I want to explore in this series of blogs.

Sin is the most theologically correct answer to the question of “why” we’re hypocrites, but that’s too easy. There’s a reason why a certain type of hypocrisy is so accepted today. I’ve chosen to call it consensual hypocrisy. And, at the end of this blog series, I’ll ask for your suggestions for dealing with this sin. And yes, it is a sin!

Consensual Hypocrisy
We all know what consensual sex is. Half my teenage life was spent looking for it. It’s two people agreeing to suspend moral judgment on each other to do what they both know is wrong, just because they want to. And, the fact that everyone else appeared to be doing it, or was wanting to do it, simply helped lubricate away my guilt.

Consensual hypocrisy is the silent resignation by the Christian community to a life and lifestyle that looks nothing like what we claim to believe theologically. And, since everyone else appears to be cutting corners on living like Jesus and getting away with it and they’re Christians, it creates a moral, gravital pull on each of us to lower our own standards. And, with this more “pragmatic Christianity” comes the loss of both the moral right and the will to call others back to biblical living.

Here’s how this works in the life of us Christians.

Four Characteristics of Control Freaks

Most of us know controlling people. But it’s rare that any of us see ourselves as controlling. I’ve always been driven. I still am. But, since I came to faith I think I can get away with it because it has the veneer of spirituality.

So, the reason I can write so easily of these four characteristics is that I’m occasionally guilty of all of them. By the grace of God, I’m better than I was. But, I’m a recovering control freak who still falls off the wagon far too often. Perhaps you too need to be in “control” recovery.

You may be a control freak if…

What Role are You Auditioning For?

I was having coffee a few weeks ago with a mid-30’s, very successful businessman who considers himself a Christian. (I don’t know him well enough to know if that’s true, but he thinks he is.) But, I could see he was trying hard to impress me. So, toward the end of our time I asked him this question, “What role are you auditioning for?”

He was unsure what I meant so I went on to explain that we’re all auditioning for the part we hope to play in life. When I was a teenager I wanted to be rich. So, I watched how rich people dress, how they ate, how they carried themselves with confidence. I began acting like them and auditioning for the role I wanted.

Even though I came to faith more than 35 years ago, the truth is I’m still doing that. I’m still trying to impress people with how spiritual, clever, funny or self-confident I am, I still want to fit in and be admired by my friends and, paradoxically I also want to be known as a fully devoted follower of Jesus. And, every honest Christian I know lives this double-minded life. We’re all auditioning to impress someone or some group besides God.

Should Everyone Go to College?

On Monday, I shared the story of me talking to two of our daughters into dropping out of college. This blog might make a little more sense if you read that blog first.

It’s almost an axiom today that you must send your kids to college to get a good job. Is that really true?

I once had a conversation with a wonderful Christian couple, struggling financially to send two of their children to college and then law school, so they could get a good job.

I really pushed back on him. “What makes you think being an attorney is a good job?” He looked at me like I was joking! “No, I’m serious”, I said. “So they get this good job and then end up working 60 hours a week and stressing themselves out like you’re doing, to send their kids to college to “get a good job!” “Really?”

A “Good Job”
First of all, let’s define what a “good job” is. Every good Christian parent should want their children, above all, to love God, be kind and thoughtful to others and to live fruitful, but contented lives for God.

If that’s what you also want for your children, then here’s my observation; lawyers, bankers, doctors and people in business are no more likely to be serious followers of Jesus and be happy or content than plumbers or carpenters.

Somehow we’ve gotten the notion that to be a college graduate and then a professional is “better” than being a person “in the trades” as it was once called. Where did we get that idea and how has it damaged some of our children?

Is it Wise to Encourage Your Kids to Attend College Right out of High School?

Several years ago, I went to lunch with a man whose son was finishing Christian high school in six months. I know their son. He’s bright, mature, and loves God – a natural born leader.

But, his parents were alarmed because he announced he didn’t want to go to college immediately after graduation. He wanted to take a year off and either work, or serve in a ministry. While his parents were proud that he wanted to give himself to ministry or work to save up some money, they were afraid he might decide never to go to college. Clare, what should we do? So, I told him our story.

Who was Jesus, Before He was Jesus?

Yes, you read that right! What was the nature of the second member of the trinity before he was the God/Man Jesus? (By the way, only we Christians, not the Bible call him “the second member of the Trinity”.)

At Christmas, we celebrate the birth of Jesus, but it’s important we remember that the God-part of Jesus pre-existed his putting on of flesh as the Incarnate Jesus. Because he was and is God, Jesus the Spirit is eternal and pre-existed everything. So, what was he like back then? That raises all kinds of questions for me:

At the time of creation, or even before that, did Jesus call The Father, his father? Of course, when Mary conceived, Jesus’ father was God, but was he the father of the pre-incarnate Jesus? 


When Jesus was in the womb, was he thinking God-like thoughts? Was he still communicating with the Father and Holy Spirit? Was he planning his ministry from the womb and thinking adult, mature, all-knowing thoughts or were his brain functions and thoughts much like most babies in the womb? 


After Jesus’ birth, as an infant, when he laid in the cradle, or was held by Mary, was he fully aware of his Godness? Did he know his mother’s every thought, what the weather was going to be tomorrow, the name of the Emperor, or think about the cross in his future? Or was he just a “normal baby,” thinking baby thoughts, growing in wisdom and understanding until his appointed time and public ministry?