Clare De Graaf's Blog, page 36
June 2, 2014
Are You Sure You Want Your Children to be Extroverts?
I’m an extrovert and until a few weeks ago, I was rather proud of that. Then I read the book Quiet by Susan Cain. The author isn’t a Christian; nevertheless I’ve found it both convicting and helpful.
The basic premise of the book is that for most of humanity, until the 20th century, we valued a “Culture of Character.” “The ideal self was serious, disciplined, hard working, patriotic, and honorable. What counted most was, not the impression one made in public, but how one behaved in private.”
But, that all changed in the last 100 years. Americans embraced the Culture of Personality. We began to pay more attention to how others perceived us. We became captivated with larger than life people who were bold and outgoing. The Culture of Personality was that of a performer. While we still cared about integrity and character, we were drawn to the person who “owned the room.”
How did this come about and what are the implications for followers of Jesus, especially we who are leaders?
The basic premise of the book is that for most of humanity, until the 20th century, we valued a “Culture of Character.” “The ideal self was serious, disciplined, hard working, patriotic, and honorable. What counted most was, not the impression one made in public, but how one behaved in private.”
But, that all changed in the last 100 years. Americans embraced the Culture of Personality. We began to pay more attention to how others perceived us. We became captivated with larger than life people who were bold and outgoing. The Culture of Personality was that of a performer. While we still cared about integrity and character, we were drawn to the person who “owned the room.”
How did this come about and what are the implications for followers of Jesus, especially we who are leaders?
May 26, 2014
Thinking of Adopting?
As I am writing this blog, my wife Susan is in China. She’s there with our son-in-law and daughter and all four of their children to finalize the adoption of Maggie, a special needs two year old. They met our newest granddaughter a few days ago and she already owns their hearts! (Sadly, I had to cancel going due to some back problems ☹.
(Photo of Maggie)
“I don’t want to adopt”
The adoption journey in our family began about 30 years ago. One day my wife Susan told me she’d been praying about adopting a child. My knee-jerk reaction was, “I don’t want to adopt!”
We already had three biological children and that was perfect for me. Besides, I was going through chemotherapy at the time for cancer, with a very uncertain future. Adoption made no sense to me. But, there was another reason I resisted. I wasn’t sure I could love “someone else’s child.” I could imagine being kind to someone else’s child, providing them a home, or even giving money to an orphanage, but adopt? What if we never connected? I wasn’t ready.
But, my wife continued to pray and asked me to pray, so of course I was a dead duck! Slowly, God changed my heart and I said “yes.” Six months later my wife flew to Korea to pick up Betsy, a four-month-old angel and I fell in love with her!
Two years later, we adopted Tyler, also from Korea. Both are now 28 and 30, respectively. Then 20 years ago, Veti, a 15-year-old girl from Albania joined our family. She’s now married and they’re waiting for their first child from Columbia. So adoption is in our blood, not because I wanted it to be, but because God changed me.
Is adoption for everyone?
(Photo of Maggie)
“I don’t want to adopt”
The adoption journey in our family began about 30 years ago. One day my wife Susan told me she’d been praying about adopting a child. My knee-jerk reaction was, “I don’t want to adopt!”
We already had three biological children and that was perfect for me. Besides, I was going through chemotherapy at the time for cancer, with a very uncertain future. Adoption made no sense to me. But, there was another reason I resisted. I wasn’t sure I could love “someone else’s child.” I could imagine being kind to someone else’s child, providing them a home, or even giving money to an orphanage, but adopt? What if we never connected? I wasn’t ready.
But, my wife continued to pray and asked me to pray, so of course I was a dead duck! Slowly, God changed my heart and I said “yes.” Six months later my wife flew to Korea to pick up Betsy, a four-month-old angel and I fell in love with her!
Two years later, we adopted Tyler, also from Korea. Both are now 28 and 30, respectively. Then 20 years ago, Veti, a 15-year-old girl from Albania joined our family. She’s now married and they’re waiting for their first child from Columbia. So adoption is in our blood, not because I wanted it to be, but because God changed me.
Is adoption for everyone?
May 19, 2014
What Happens One Minute After You Die
With all the “I died, went to heaven and back”, books and movies out today, it’s made me aware of just how little the average Christian knows what the Bible teaches about what happens one minute after people die.
I’ve also found that most young people believe in heaven, but reject the idea of hell except for child murderers and Hitler. To them it’s inconsistent with the actions of a loving God. Perhaps you’ll find my explanation for the fate of those who have never heard the gospel, helpful for them as well.
So, I hope you’ll use this blog to share with your family or Bible study group this brief summary. Here’s my disclaimer; much of what I’ve written was gleaned from a wonderful book by Irwin Lutzer, One Minute After You Die. Lutzer is the Senior Pastor of Moody Church in Chicago.
I’ve also found that most young people believe in heaven, but reject the idea of hell except for child murderers and Hitler. To them it’s inconsistent with the actions of a loving God. Perhaps you’ll find my explanation for the fate of those who have never heard the gospel, helpful for them as well.
So, I hope you’ll use this blog to share with your family or Bible study group this brief summary. Here’s my disclaimer; much of what I’ve written was gleaned from a wonderful book by Irwin Lutzer, One Minute After You Die. Lutzer is the Senior Pastor of Moody Church in Chicago.
May 12, 2014
Tell God You’re Sorry, then Live Like You Are
One of the most difficult things to talk about with our children, friends or those we mentor is personal sin – our own struggle with it and what we’ve done well and what we’ve done poorly to deal with it.
I’ve always had a great relationship with our children. So when one of our daughters was uncharacteristically distant, I asked her if something was wrong. “It’s nothing.” (It’s always nothing!)
Days later she came to me and shared something she’d done for which she was ashamed. Ironically, I knew or strongly suspected what the problem was. In any case, the important thing was that she understood what she had done, was sorry for it and had made some good decisions to lessen the likelihood this would ever happen again. Seeing how terribly sad she was I just held her, told her I loved her and how honored I was that she had come to me.
“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
1 John 1:8-9
Confession is good, but repentance is better
It wasn’t only her tearful confession that moved me; it was the safeguards she put in place to keep from temptation in the future, which impressed me even more. She understood intuitively that while confession is good for the soul, repentance is far better. Repentance is more than remorse. It’s disgust, even anger over our sin and a whole-hearted desire to never do that sin again. If we tell God we’re sorry, then he expects us to live differently if we truly are.
I’ve always had a great relationship with our children. So when one of our daughters was uncharacteristically distant, I asked her if something was wrong. “It’s nothing.” (It’s always nothing!)
Days later she came to me and shared something she’d done for which she was ashamed. Ironically, I knew or strongly suspected what the problem was. In any case, the important thing was that she understood what she had done, was sorry for it and had made some good decisions to lessen the likelihood this would ever happen again. Seeing how terribly sad she was I just held her, told her I loved her and how honored I was that she had come to me.
“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
1 John 1:8-9
Confession is good, but repentance is better
It wasn’t only her tearful confession that moved me; it was the safeguards she put in place to keep from temptation in the future, which impressed me even more. She understood intuitively that while confession is good for the soul, repentance is far better. Repentance is more than remorse. It’s disgust, even anger over our sin and a whole-hearted desire to never do that sin again. If we tell God we’re sorry, then he expects us to live differently if we truly are.
May 8, 2014
Introduce Jesus and the “Way of Jesus” to Others.
I was on vacation in Florida a number of years ago and I was invited to attend a men’s study on The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren. (A wonderful book, by the way.) I knew a few of the guys in the study. They were good men – successful in life, faithfully serving on boards of ministries and in their churches – standard issue Christians. So, I drove over to this gated development – Boca Del Boca or some such name, gave the guard mine and went in.
Ten or twelve tanned men sat around a long table and the lesson that day was on the chapter, Sharing Your Life’s Message, essentially sharing what Jesus taught you, with others. They had asked me to lead so I jumped right in with this question, “How many of you are meeting with a man or two or a couple and teaching them what God has taught you?” The only sound in that room right then was the hum of the air conditioning and sipping of coffee. You’d have thought I’d asked them to pull down their pants.
Finally, one brave soul cleared his throat and said, “Well, we attend this study every week.” “That’s great,” I said. “Studies like this prepare us for ministry, but to whom are you passing on what it means to actually live like Jesus?” I never got invited back.
Ten or twelve tanned men sat around a long table and the lesson that day was on the chapter, Sharing Your Life’s Message, essentially sharing what Jesus taught you, with others. They had asked me to lead so I jumped right in with this question, “How many of you are meeting with a man or two or a couple and teaching them what God has taught you?” The only sound in that room right then was the hum of the air conditioning and sipping of coffee. You’d have thought I’d asked them to pull down their pants.
Finally, one brave soul cleared his throat and said, “Well, we attend this study every week.” “That’s great,” I said. “Studies like this prepare us for ministry, but to whom are you passing on what it means to actually live like Jesus?” I never got invited back.
May 5, 2014
Resist the Power of Sin and Rescue Others Still Victims of it
This is Part Three of my blog on the four rules of life, I’ve established to make practical and memorable my personal mission statement: The purpose of my life is to make God look good. So let’s get right to my heart of it and my least favorite topic – sin! About sin, I’m just […]
May 1, 2014
Be Kind, Generous and Forgiving Toward Everyone Today
This is Part Two of my blog series on the four rules of life I’ve established for myself to give teeth to the phrase, making God look good.
Some words wear out – even some words in the Bible.
It’s not that they’re wrong. The Bible uses them. But it may be that certain words have become so familiar they’ve lost their original meaning – like billboards we’ve seen so often, we no longer even think about its message.
The word grace, or to be gracious is one of those wonderful words which has worn out – but it shouldn’t. The term “means of grace” is interpreted differently by various denominations when they’re describing baptism, communion and salvational grace. But there’s one use of that term on which all Christians agree.
God gives us good things we don’t deserve which we have the privilege and obligation to pass on to others. This too is part of the good news – the gospel. That’s why Peter writes that all of us, “should use whatever (grace) gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administrating (dispensing) God’s grace in its various forms.” I Peter 4:10 (parenthetical note, mine)
Be a Grace Dispenser
The 10 second rule is a reminder to dispense, or give out what we’ve so generously received from God to others. So, when I say a kind word, I’m passing on the kindness Jesus has shown me. When I forgive, I’m passing on the forgiveness I’ve been given in Christ Jesus and from Christ Jesus. When I give money, which Jesus has deposited with me, I am the means of grace Jesus chooses to work through, to actually pass dollar bills or checks to another person. You and I are stewards of God’s grace. The reason Jesus uses us is to distribute it, because he’s not physically present anymore on earth – or is he…?
“But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness.” Romans 8:10. We are Jesus’ stand-in!
Some words wear out – even some words in the Bible.
It’s not that they’re wrong. The Bible uses them. But it may be that certain words have become so familiar they’ve lost their original meaning – like billboards we’ve seen so often, we no longer even think about its message.
The word grace, or to be gracious is one of those wonderful words which has worn out – but it shouldn’t. The term “means of grace” is interpreted differently by various denominations when they’re describing baptism, communion and salvational grace. But there’s one use of that term on which all Christians agree.
God gives us good things we don’t deserve which we have the privilege and obligation to pass on to others. This too is part of the good news – the gospel. That’s why Peter writes that all of us, “should use whatever (grace) gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administrating (dispensing) God’s grace in its various forms.” I Peter 4:10 (parenthetical note, mine)
Be a Grace Dispenser
The 10 second rule is a reminder to dispense, or give out what we’ve so generously received from God to others. So, when I say a kind word, I’m passing on the kindness Jesus has shown me. When I forgive, I’m passing on the forgiveness I’ve been given in Christ Jesus and from Christ Jesus. When I give money, which Jesus has deposited with me, I am the means of grace Jesus chooses to work through, to actually pass dollar bills or checks to another person. You and I are stewards of God’s grace. The reason Jesus uses us is to distribute it, because he’s not physically present anymore on earth – or is he…?
“But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness.” Romans 8:10. We are Jesus’ stand-in!
April 28, 2014
Love God Enough to Trust Yourself to Him Completely
This blog is Part One of my next four blogs on four simple rules of life that summarize for me what it means to make God look good and be a serious follower of Jesus. (Reference my blog of April 21, Following Jesus Made Simple, introducing this subject). And, here’s the first rule:
Love God Enough to Trust Yourself to Him.
Like you, I’ve probably told God I love him and have sung it ten thousand times, but when it gets right down to it – what does loving God actually mean?
It’s quite natural that in thinking about loving God, our minds would automatically go to worship and specifically to worship in church. It’s the place and the way we’re most accustomed to “loving God.” When we join with other lovers of God in singing praises, prayer and hearing from God in a sermon or message we are loving God and he loves it when we do.
“Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God.” Psalm 100:1-2
I don’t know about you, but I feel guilty sometimes because I don’t always feel as emotional about loving God or Jesus as other Christians seem to be. The warm, joyous, tearful feelings I experience most often come when I’m singing praise choruses, listening to the testimony of a new believer, in times of personal prayer or when some new revelation from God or about God, washes over me. But those don’t happen every day or even every week, to me.
And, I can’t, by an act of my will, just conjure up these feelings and make them happen. I love it when I’m surprised by joy – I just can’t surprise myself into joy. I now think of these moments simply as a wondrous gift from God to encourage me to press on and as his way of reminding me that I’m his beloved.
But in between these mountain top experiences are there other ways we can demonstrate to God and others our love for him? Is it really possible to love God when our hearts are heavy and fear, not faith, grip us?
Love God Enough to Trust Yourself to Him.
Like you, I’ve probably told God I love him and have sung it ten thousand times, but when it gets right down to it – what does loving God actually mean?
It’s quite natural that in thinking about loving God, our minds would automatically go to worship and specifically to worship in church. It’s the place and the way we’re most accustomed to “loving God.” When we join with other lovers of God in singing praises, prayer and hearing from God in a sermon or message we are loving God and he loves it when we do.
“Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God.” Psalm 100:1-2
I don’t know about you, but I feel guilty sometimes because I don’t always feel as emotional about loving God or Jesus as other Christians seem to be. The warm, joyous, tearful feelings I experience most often come when I’m singing praise choruses, listening to the testimony of a new believer, in times of personal prayer or when some new revelation from God or about God, washes over me. But those don’t happen every day or even every week, to me.
And, I can’t, by an act of my will, just conjure up these feelings and make them happen. I love it when I’m surprised by joy – I just can’t surprise myself into joy. I now think of these moments simply as a wondrous gift from God to encourage me to press on and as his way of reminding me that I’m his beloved.
But in between these mountain top experiences are there other ways we can demonstrate to God and others our love for him? Is it really possible to love God when our hearts are heavy and fear, not faith, grip us?
April 21, 2014
Following Jesus Made Simple
On the cabinet next to the sink where I get myself ready every morning, I have a small, plastic coated piece of paper with my summary of my personal mission statement, “The purpose of my life is to make God look good.” Under that statement are four phrases or rules of life that give “teeth” […]
April 14, 2014
Do You Have a Secret?
There’s a question I’ll occasionally ask the men I’m spiritually mentoring, especially if they exhibit a lack of contentment, healthy relationships or seem “stuck” spiritually.
“What are you trying to keep secret that needs to be brought into the light?”
Everyone has secrets. Some secrets are simply embarrassing. We’d prefer people not know because they’d make us look foolish, or naïve.
Other secrets are about others – we’re keepers of other people’s secrets. We hold them in trust for them either because they’ve asked us to do so, or because we don’t want to dishonor them by letting their secrets out.
I don’t think Christians should worry if these are their only secrets, unless the secrets we keep for others keep them from getting help they desperately need. But other secrets may be toxic or cripple you spiritually, relationally or emotionally.
Family Secrets
Does your family have a secret? I don’t mean your, “Aunt Clara got pregnant out of wedlock,” type of secret which is simply embarrassing and best left quiet. Is there a secret in your family that is so dark that it still cripples relationships decades later?
Physical abuse
Sexual abuse
An infidelity
Emotional abuse
“What are you trying to keep secret that needs to be brought into the light?”
Everyone has secrets. Some secrets are simply embarrassing. We’d prefer people not know because they’d make us look foolish, or naïve.
Other secrets are about others – we’re keepers of other people’s secrets. We hold them in trust for them either because they’ve asked us to do so, or because we don’t want to dishonor them by letting their secrets out.
I don’t think Christians should worry if these are their only secrets, unless the secrets we keep for others keep them from getting help they desperately need. But other secrets may be toxic or cripple you spiritually, relationally or emotionally.
Family Secrets
Does your family have a secret? I don’t mean your, “Aunt Clara got pregnant out of wedlock,” type of secret which is simply embarrassing and best left quiet. Is there a secret in your family that is so dark that it still cripples relationships decades later?
Physical abuse
Sexual abuse
An infidelity
Emotional abuse
