Clare De Graaf's Blog, page 37
April 7, 2014
One Question Every Christian Should Ask Themselves Often
“Would the people who know you best consider you a Christian or a follower of Jesus?”
I still remember the stunned look on Dave’s face when I asked him the question over breakfast ten years ago. To give him a chance to recover a bit, I took the time to clarify my question. “What I mean Dave is this: based on how you live and what you’re passionate about, would your wife, your children, co-workers and fishing buddies - would they consider you a Christian or a serious follower of Jesus? And by the way, you don’t have to answer that question to me today. I’m not your spiritual authority. But, Jesus already knows the answer. The question is, do you?”
I’d known Dave for a few years, but not well. He was forty something, husband and father of three, attended a conservative church in town, and was involved in a men’s Bible study – a typical Christian. Our kids went to school together and we’d talked a number of times at school functions, but not in depth.
His reason for wanting to meet that morning was to ask if I would spend some time with him to help figure out some moving parts in his life. His relationship with God was flat. The company he was working for was in turmoil. He and his wife were struggling. The usual mid-life stuff. I’ve mentored many men in our community, so it was no surprise that he would ask me to help him sort things out. But, obviously he hadn’t expected to be hit by this truck.
Dave’s first question after he’d regained his composure was, “What’s the difference between a Christian and a follower of Jesus?” A fair question, but I wanted to hear his answer first. So I asked him to take a crack at it.
I still remember the stunned look on Dave’s face when I asked him the question over breakfast ten years ago. To give him a chance to recover a bit, I took the time to clarify my question. “What I mean Dave is this: based on how you live and what you’re passionate about, would your wife, your children, co-workers and fishing buddies - would they consider you a Christian or a serious follower of Jesus? And by the way, you don’t have to answer that question to me today. I’m not your spiritual authority. But, Jesus already knows the answer. The question is, do you?”
I’d known Dave for a few years, but not well. He was forty something, husband and father of three, attended a conservative church in town, and was involved in a men’s Bible study – a typical Christian. Our kids went to school together and we’d talked a number of times at school functions, but not in depth.
His reason for wanting to meet that morning was to ask if I would spend some time with him to help figure out some moving parts in his life. His relationship with God was flat. The company he was working for was in turmoil. He and his wife were struggling. The usual mid-life stuff. I’ve mentored many men in our community, so it was no surprise that he would ask me to help him sort things out. But, obviously he hadn’t expected to be hit by this truck.
Dave’s first question after he’d regained his composure was, “What’s the difference between a Christian and a follower of Jesus?” A fair question, but I wanted to hear his answer first. So I asked him to take a crack at it.
March 31, 2014
The Do’s and Don’ts for Dealing with a Substance Abuser
A few weeks back I sat in a coffee shop with a bright young businessman, late 30’s, college educated and good looking. He had everything going for him, but two things; he was spiritually lost and an alcoholic, but he just wouldn’t admit either was true! And the reality is, if you don’t believe you […]
March 27, 2014
The “Other” 10 Second Rule
In light of Monday’s blog about a woman’s emotional affair with her best friend’s husband, I thought this blog by Rob Parsons would be helpful. Ron is the president of Care For the Family, a ministry to families. Please consider passing this blog on to the people in your life and by the grace of God, it may be read by someone actually contemplating an affair.
“Over the years, I’ve talked with many men and women who have been involved in affairs. One of the most salutary things is to realize that with many of them, they didn’t intend to be unfaithful to their partners. They sometimes blurt out, “It just happened.” They will normally go on to talk about some innocent event in which they were involved (often a genuine desire to help the other person in some way), and then go on to say, “It suddenly got out of hand.”
When is the battle won or lost in an affair? Is it decided at the bedroom door? No. The battle is so often decided when somebody smiles at you across a room and you have ten seconds to decide whether you will walk those twenty feet or keep talking to the boring colleague next to you. There is, in so many affairs, a line that has to be crossed. The tragedy is that so often it is drawn very near the beginning of the relationship, but once it is crossed, it is hard to go back.
I spoke recently with a man who was in the middle of an affair. He’d lost just about everything. He said: “Rob, she offered me a lift. The second I got in that car, it was as if it was all decided.”
“Over the years, I’ve talked with many men and women who have been involved in affairs. One of the most salutary things is to realize that with many of them, they didn’t intend to be unfaithful to their partners. They sometimes blurt out, “It just happened.” They will normally go on to talk about some innocent event in which they were involved (often a genuine desire to help the other person in some way), and then go on to say, “It suddenly got out of hand.”
When is the battle won or lost in an affair? Is it decided at the bedroom door? No. The battle is so often decided when somebody smiles at you across a room and you have ten seconds to decide whether you will walk those twenty feet or keep talking to the boring colleague next to you. There is, in so many affairs, a line that has to be crossed. The tragedy is that so often it is drawn very near the beginning of the relationship, but once it is crossed, it is hard to go back.
I spoke recently with a man who was in the middle of an affair. He’d lost just about everything. He said: “Rob, she offered me a lift. The second I got in that car, it was as if it was all decided.”
March 24, 2014
Should I Confess my Emotional Affair with my Best Friend’s Husband?
The following is an edited excerpt from an email I received last week.
“I’m a single woman. I am in a difficult situation. I have been suffering from a lust-issue. I’ve had an emotional affair with one of my best friend’s husband. Kissing, some touching, but no sex. I never wanted this to happen, but it did.
I have felt terribly guilty about what happened. I’ve broken it off, but I still think of him often. My guilt at times is so strong that I can’t focus all day long. I have confessed my sin to God and to this man, but I feel terribly guilty towards his wife. Do I need to confess to her, or is that something he should do? Can I confess when he hasn’t? I feel so bad since I feel like such a hypocrite when I’m with her.
Her husband has had several adulterous affairs. She calls me because she suspects he’s seeing different women, not knowing I was one of them. Do I need to tell her? I’m scared it will tear her apart. I have called her husband to talk about the issue. He says, she’d rather not know and it will ruin our friendship if I would confess. I’m also afraid for the consequences in our small church we all attend. What should I do?”
- “Jane”
So how would you advise Jane? Here’s what I wrote to her, but I’d be interested in your ideas or comments as well.
March 17, 2014
Peanut Butter Sandwiches
Why do Bad things happen to “good” people?
Have you ever had a friend, family member or someone you’re mentoring, come to you and ask why a loving God has not “fixed” some problem in their life? In situations where the source of their troubles is obviously their own choices, I’ll often tell this story.
A construction worker sat down on a pile of lumber with his buddies to have lunch. One man opened his lunch box and slammed it closed in disgust. “Peanut butter sandwiches on Monday! Peanut butter sandwiches on Tuesday! Peanut butter sandwiches on Wednesday! I can’t take it anymore!”
“Why don’t you ask your wife to make something different,” asked his friends. “Well that’s the problem, I make my own lunch.”
If I’m really honest with myself, a lot of the frustration in my life is self-imposed – my own doing. I leave late for a meeting, get caught in traffic and am embarrassed, when I’m late. I speak to my wife disrespectfully and blame her for the resulting fight.
I meet with people all the time who complain about all kinds of things that can be traced back to poor or sinful choices they’ve often made.
March 10, 2014
Starting the Conversation – Introducing the Spiritually Indifferent to Christian Ideas
I get asked this question a lot: How do you evangelize? Meaning, how do you start conversations with non-Christians that will hopefully lead to spiritual things?”
Carefully and thoughtfully is my short answer. Christians have a bad reputation of dumping the whole truckload on total strangers or new friends in “Christianese,” language that we understand but means something different to others. Therefore, the first thing I need to say is - go slow. Build a relationship with people. Be transparent. Share your failures. Talk about the people you value. Build trust. Show them that you’re a different kind of Christian than they expect.
Once you’ve built a relationship, I’d intentionally think about making some pre-decisions about a series of statements or questions you could use to engage the spiritually indifferent in faith conversations. Here are a few that others and I have used;
Carefully and thoughtfully is my short answer. Christians have a bad reputation of dumping the whole truckload on total strangers or new friends in “Christianese,” language that we understand but means something different to others. Therefore, the first thing I need to say is - go slow. Build a relationship with people. Be transparent. Share your failures. Talk about the people you value. Build trust. Show them that you’re a different kind of Christian than they expect.
Once you’ve built a relationship, I’d intentionally think about making some pre-decisions about a series of statements or questions you could use to engage the spiritually indifferent in faith conversations. Here are a few that others and I have used;
March 3, 2014
Suspicious of God
“I believe God will meet all my needs. But, I’m not sure he’ll meet all my needs. That’s my fear.”
My wife, Susan, and I recently attended a weekend retreat sponsored by Generous Giving, a ministry that encourages thoughtful, biblical generosity. So, here we were sitting around a huge stone fireplace in a Christian camp lodge, with seven Christian couples, most of whom were strangers, talking about stewardship.
My first observation is that it’s often easier to talk to strangers about this topic than our friends. With strangers, we can read what the Bible says and nod our heads in agreement – safe, knowing full well, they don’t have a clue as to how we really live – what we’re really like.
But, thanks to our moderator, the minute that statement made at the beginning of this blog was thrown out, everyone nodded silently. We had found common ground! There are people who truly lack food and shelter, the basic needs of life, but not this group! All our needs have been met. But, in that statement we immediately recognized that our hearts have slowly morphed so that many of our “wants” have now become our “needs”!
Why is that? Why have we let our wants so shape our happiness? I John 2:15-16 lays it out. “Do not love the world or anything in the world.If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world – the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life – comes not from the Father but from the world.” I John 2:15-16
John knew what we all know; most of us are content with what we have, until we see something nicer. Then mysteriously, what we have, instantly feels dated and second rate.
Here’s a truth you can take to the bank; “You can’t become content by getting what you want, you’ll just want more.” Discontentment is an addiction than can only be broken, like other addictions, by an intentional effort to understand the problem, and asking the Holy Spirit for the will to stop !
My wife, Susan, and I recently attended a weekend retreat sponsored by Generous Giving, a ministry that encourages thoughtful, biblical generosity. So, here we were sitting around a huge stone fireplace in a Christian camp lodge, with seven Christian couples, most of whom were strangers, talking about stewardship.
My first observation is that it’s often easier to talk to strangers about this topic than our friends. With strangers, we can read what the Bible says and nod our heads in agreement – safe, knowing full well, they don’t have a clue as to how we really live – what we’re really like.
But, thanks to our moderator, the minute that statement made at the beginning of this blog was thrown out, everyone nodded silently. We had found common ground! There are people who truly lack food and shelter, the basic needs of life, but not this group! All our needs have been met. But, in that statement we immediately recognized that our hearts have slowly morphed so that many of our “wants” have now become our “needs”!
Why is that? Why have we let our wants so shape our happiness? I John 2:15-16 lays it out. “Do not love the world or anything in the world.If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world – the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life – comes not from the Father but from the world.” I John 2:15-16
John knew what we all know; most of us are content with what we have, until we see something nicer. Then mysteriously, what we have, instantly feels dated and second rate.
Here’s a truth you can take to the bank; “You can’t become content by getting what you want, you’ll just want more.” Discontentment is an addiction than can only be broken, like other addictions, by an intentional effort to understand the problem, and asking the Holy Spirit for the will to stop !
February 27, 2014
God’s Story
The Meta-Narrative
(The Grand Story) of the Bible
The Bible is far more than a compilation of true stories about people and nations existing long ago. The Bible itself is one amazing story. It’s the story God is telling about himself and the people and world he created. It’s not only a story of history, it’s a story about what he’s doing today and what he expects of every person on earth, in general, and all those who call themselves Christians, in particular. Without understanding this larger story of his incredible love for the world and his plans to bring peace on earth once again, the small stories don’t always make much sense. The Bible, made up of 66 books written by men but inspired by God, can be overwhelming to people investigating Christianity. To get a better feel for this grand story, or the meta-narrative of the Bible, I’ve summarized the Bible in less than 2,000 words — a kind of Cliff’s Notes of the Bible. Even though I had to leave out massive portions of this incredible book, I hope you’ll get a feel for the heart of God and the love of God for humans who he uniquely created in his image. Finally, I hope you’ll see yourself in this story. Whether you’re searching for God or trying to find your way back to him, God desperately wants you to be part of his story and his life — forever. Please just sit back and enjoy the story of God.
(The Grand Story) of the Bible
The Bible is far more than a compilation of true stories about people and nations existing long ago. The Bible itself is one amazing story. It’s the story God is telling about himself and the people and world he created. It’s not only a story of history, it’s a story about what he’s doing today and what he expects of every person on earth, in general, and all those who call themselves Christians, in particular. Without understanding this larger story of his incredible love for the world and his plans to bring peace on earth once again, the small stories don’t always make much sense. The Bible, made up of 66 books written by men but inspired by God, can be overwhelming to people investigating Christianity. To get a better feel for this grand story, or the meta-narrative of the Bible, I’ve summarized the Bible in less than 2,000 words — a kind of Cliff’s Notes of the Bible. Even though I had to leave out massive portions of this incredible book, I hope you’ll get a feel for the heart of God and the love of God for humans who he uniquely created in his image. Finally, I hope you’ll see yourself in this story. Whether you’re searching for God or trying to find your way back to him, God desperately wants you to be part of his story and his life — forever. Please just sit back and enjoy the story of God.
February 24, 2014
How to Frame the Story of God for People still “Kicking Tires”, Spiritually
Have you ever noticed that almost all the great stories follow the same story line?
Once upon a time, things were good and then something awful happens when someone, or something evil, destroys the good life people once had. A hero then rises up, risks or sacrifices his or her own life, destroys the villain, rescues the situation, sets things right again, good triumphing over evil and they all live happily ever after. Think about it! From childhood fairy tales, like The Big, Bad Wolf, to The Shawshank Redemption, Braveheart, LeMiserables, Titanic, Star Wars, Gladiator and Lord of the Rings, this story line holds. Why do you think this is?
It’s because all these stories borrow their power from the Grand Story woven into the fabric of our being. It’s part of our spiritual DNA! We were created in the image of God and every person no matter how far they’ve wandered from God knows that something is terribly wrong with this world. We’re frightened and we long for someone or something to rescue us and make things right again. We even dream of being heroes ourselves, rescuing others from injustice and evil.
This is the story line which runs through the Bible from beginning to end and it’s the story line of a biblical worldview. I’m thankful to John Eldridge in his wonderful book, The Epic, for introducing me to these illustrations of how to think of, the story of God in scripture. It’s a great way to introduce those you’re mentoring or your own children or grandchildren to the story of God.
Once upon a time, things were good and then something awful happens when someone, or something evil, destroys the good life people once had. A hero then rises up, risks or sacrifices his or her own life, destroys the villain, rescues the situation, sets things right again, good triumphing over evil and they all live happily ever after. Think about it! From childhood fairy tales, like The Big, Bad Wolf, to The Shawshank Redemption, Braveheart, LeMiserables, Titanic, Star Wars, Gladiator and Lord of the Rings, this story line holds. Why do you think this is?
It’s because all these stories borrow their power from the Grand Story woven into the fabric of our being. It’s part of our spiritual DNA! We were created in the image of God and every person no matter how far they’ve wandered from God knows that something is terribly wrong with this world. We’re frightened and we long for someone or something to rescue us and make things right again. We even dream of being heroes ourselves, rescuing others from injustice and evil.
This is the story line which runs through the Bible from beginning to end and it’s the story line of a biblical worldview. I’m thankful to John Eldridge in his wonderful book, The Epic, for introducing me to these illustrations of how to think of, the story of God in scripture. It’s a great way to introduce those you’re mentoring or your own children or grandchildren to the story of God.
February 17, 2014
Marriage
For years when asked about books I recommend on marriage, I referred to two that have most impacted Susan and me, Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerich and The Five Love Languages, by Chapman. I now have a third book, the Meaning of Marriage, by Tim Keller. My wife, Susan, suggested I read Keller’s book while we were on vacation awhile back, and like most husbands, I groaned inwardly. I just wanted to veg, not read another marriage book and then have to talk about it on vacation!
But, I read it and loved it! It’s not your typical “how to” book. It’s an honest book about why marriage can be so difficult and at the same time the most rewarding of all human relationships. So, rather than talk about the book further, I’m offering you a few of my favorite quotes in the hopes you’ll get a copy of your own. Enjoy!
