Clare De Graaf's Blog, page 24

Six Things You Can Do to Address Racism

Our family, including our grandchildren, have been discussing the events in Dallas and the videos of black men being killed by police. Everyone has an opinion, because we all want a solution.

I hear white Christians blaming the problem on the immorality and breakdown of the family in urban America. And blacks see racial discrimination everywhere from the justice system to education. And there are elements of truth in both camps. Human nature is such that we tend to find evidence to support the views we already hold. And at no time was this form of confirmation bias more obvious than in the O.J. Simpson verdict. And I was guilty myself!

But if I hear one more politician, or new commentator say, “It’s time we have a national conversation about gun violence and racial discrimination by police against black men,” I think I’ll scream! We’ve been having those conversations for years, and intensely ever since the Trayvon Martin incident in in 2013, spawning the Black Lives Matter, movement.

Please don’t misread me; I’m all for discussions and conversations, even at the national level to address these problems. But, we can learn from environmentalists who coined the phrase “Think globally, but act locally.”

So, what does “act locally” actually mean in this context? It means that although you and I alone can’t change national policy, we can and should be far more proactive with our own family and friends. So here are six ideas to get started;

The Myth of “Closure”

I’ve sat with men and women, months after the death of a child, spouse or parent and have been asked “will I ever find closure?”

My honest answer is “probably not, and I’m not sure you truly want closure.”

Closure works well in some areas, like the closing of a real estate transaction. But the term closure does not apply well to the human heart. It might not be possible, or even desirable, to permanently close the heart on a deep relationship, ended by death.

Are you sure you really want closure?

I loved my mother deeply. When she died unexpectedly more than 15 years ago, I would not look at her in the casket. I wanted to remember her the way I’d last seen her, watering flowers at our cottage on a bright June morning. She was one of the great loves of my life!

Several family members said I was in denial. Perhaps I’d never get closure, they said. I didn’t want closure. I don’t want closure even now. Yes, of course I wanted the pain to lessen, and it did surprisingly quickly. But if ever I went a month without thinking of her, sometimes with sadness but mostly with joy and gratitude, to God, something good would be missing from my life. I don’t ever want closure until I meet her in heaven. Then ironically, there will never be closure!

“‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

It’s not over
In losing someone, it’s important to remember that the relationship is not over. Death can rob us from the companionship of a loved one, but not from the memories of their life and love. And why would we not want to remember that, even at the risk of some tears?

A New Kind of Reconciliation With a Former Spouse

Almost every divorced Christian I know cannot imagine reconciling with their former spouse. So much hurt, so many bitter words and fights. “Clare why would I take that risk and jump back into that snake pit again?”

Not only are there those risks, but in most cases one or both of the spouses have remarried. “So, Clare even if I wanted to reconcile with my ex it is impossible.”

Surprisingly, it isn’t. At least, not the kind of reconciliation I’m encouraging.

So what follows is the advice I gave to a divorced man recently that you may want to pass on to a divorced friend, or anyone at odds with another believer.

What Does it Mean That We Are Created in the “Image of God?”

I went to church all my life, as well as Christian schools, and I swear until I was in my mid 30’s I thought we looked like God. In every picture I ever saw of him, he had two arms, two legs, and was old. He looked like us.

And the fact that Jesus was both God and a man, simply reinforces that idea, because he did look like us! It’s also true that God (or an angel of God) has taken on the form of a man, like when God visited with Abraham to discuss destroying Sodom and Gomorrah.

But God’s natural state is a spirit. “God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” John 4:14. He doesn’t look like us and we don’t look like him.

Then what does it mean when the Bible says, “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27.

The Hebrew root of the Latin phrase for image of God –imago Dei– means image, shadow or likeness of God. At the very least this means humans occupy a higher place in the created order because we, and not animals are imprinted with godlike characteristics. Let’s talk about just a few of the characteristics of God, humans possess, but unlike God, we possess them imperfectly and to a far lesser degree.

What is God Like?

I grew up attending a Christian school where we learned the attributes of God – what God was like. However, 75% of the young Christian men I mentor haven’t really thought much about how immense and amazing God really is and how very different from humans he is. But in other ways, because we were created in the image of God, we have much in common with God. (I’ll cover that subject in next week’s blog, What Does it Mean to be Created in the Image of God?)

So, I put together the following information about the attributes of God, to teach the men I mentor. Perhaps you too have a person you’re spiritually mentoring, or an older grandchild who ought to better understand, what God is like.

A Father’s day Note

Written by Tom Cole – 2016 Father’s Day is this Sunday. I have found that when I ask a man about his father that it usually stirs a strong emotional response. For some that response is incredibly positive, and regrettably for others, that response is filled with pain and anger. Regardless of where you fall […]

Does God Require us to Understand How He Calls People to Faith?

Every theologian throughout history has attempted to explain God’s decision-making process in granting salvation and man’s responsibility to receive it. Almost all end up in either Calvin’s camp, or Arminius’, with plenty of nuanced explanations within each.

Briefly, John Calvin believed salvation, start to finish was a sovereign act of God. God chooses those he wants to save, (election) makes them want to be saved (irresistible grace) and once they are saved, keeps them that way until they die, no matter what. (perseverance of the saints)

Jacob Arminius, a contemporary of Calvins’, believed humans had a lot more free will in this process. Humans could accept or reject God’s offer of salvation and once saved, could reject God or live such sinful lives that they could lose their salvation.

Each group comes fully armed to this theological debate with dozens of scripture passages that “prove” their position’s superiority over the others. Denominations and churches have split over these issues for centuries. But why?

Why is it we insist on having an explanation for the mind of God, on this matter at all?

Why not be content to leave what God does behind the curtain a mystery? Is there anywhere in scripture where God requires us to understand and explain accurately why he does, what he does, to grant salvation to any individual? And is there anywhere in the Bible, he calls us disobedient if we can’t explain how he does it? No!

However, what God has made clear, that both Calvin and Arminius loosely agree on, is what God requires for a person to be born again and therefore to be saved. So, what is man’s responsibility prior to, and after being granted salvation? That question is answerable.

5 of the Most Dangerous Lies Some Christians Believe

Last week, my blog was entitled, “The Lies We Tell Ourselves, and Why We So Desperately Want to Believe Them.” All of the lies we tell ourselves are harmful to some degree and some may also be sinful. If I know I’m a few pounds overweight, but tell myself I’m fine, that lie may be harmful to me, but may not be a sin.

However, there are other lies we tell ourselves that can be dangerous or deadly to our spiritual, physical, or relational lives. And if you, or someone you mentor has believed one of these lies, you have an obligation to tell them. The real danger of believing these lies is that they keep us from addressing the problem the lies are actually covering up.

So, here are my top 5 most dangerous lies (perhaps you have others you’d like to let us know about as well.)

The Lies We Tell Ourselves, and Why We So Desperately Want to Believe Them

We all tell ourselves lies, even Christians. It’s not that we consciously play some mental game to talk ourselves into believing a lie. The path to self-deceit is more subtle than that. But here’s how it often works in the life of a Christian.

We’ll often read in scripture something that God expects, which we find hard to do, and in fact, would prefer not doing. For example, every Christian knows this teaching of Jesus, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:15. Jesus’ teaching is quite straightforward and unambiguous. Yet, almost all Christians refuse to forgive someone of something they’ve done to them in the past.

Given Jesus’ strong warning in this teaching, how would we dare risk not forgiving anyone and doing so quickly?

Here’s where the lies begin to shape themselves. And it may be more than one lie, each layered on the next, that gives us “moral justification” for not forgiving someone.

Is Cohabitation a Sin?

I spend a good deal of my time spiritually mentoring 20-30 year old men, often single. And I’m still shocked when they freely disclose, without a hint of embarrassment, that they’re living with their girlfriend. I’d expect this indifference to violating God’s moral laws from non-Christians. But, I often get the same response from men raised in Christian homes and who actually attend church with their girlfriends!

So, why is this happening and how can you frame the discussion for your own cohabitating children, grandchildren or the singles you’re mentoring? Here’s how I try to address this issue.