The Myth of “Closure”
I’ve sat with men and women, months after the death of a child, spouse or parent and have been asked “will I ever find closure?”
My honest answer is “probably not, and I’m not sure you truly want closure.”
Closure works well in some areas, like the closing of a real estate transaction. But the term closure does not apply well to the human heart. It might not be possible, or even desirable, to permanently close the heart on a deep relationship, ended by death.
Are you sure you really want closure?
I loved my mother deeply. When she died unexpectedly more than 15 years ago, I would not look at her in the casket. I wanted to remember her the way I’d last seen her, watering flowers at our cottage on a bright June morning. She was one of the great loves of my life!
Several family members said I was in denial. Perhaps I’d never get closure, they said. I didn’t want closure. I don’t want closure even now. Yes, of course I wanted the pain to lessen, and it did surprisingly quickly. But if ever I went a month without thinking of her, sometimes with sadness but mostly with joy and gratitude, to God, something good would be missing from my life. I don’t ever want closure until I meet her in heaven. Then ironically, there will never be closure!
“‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4
It’s not over
In losing someone, it’s important to remember that the relationship is not over. Death can rob us from the companionship of a loved one, but not from the memories of their life and love. And why would we not want to remember that, even at the risk of some tears?
My honest answer is “probably not, and I’m not sure you truly want closure.”
Closure works well in some areas, like the closing of a real estate transaction. But the term closure does not apply well to the human heart. It might not be possible, or even desirable, to permanently close the heart on a deep relationship, ended by death.
Are you sure you really want closure?
I loved my mother deeply. When she died unexpectedly more than 15 years ago, I would not look at her in the casket. I wanted to remember her the way I’d last seen her, watering flowers at our cottage on a bright June morning. She was one of the great loves of my life!
Several family members said I was in denial. Perhaps I’d never get closure, they said. I didn’t want closure. I don’t want closure even now. Yes, of course I wanted the pain to lessen, and it did surprisingly quickly. But if ever I went a month without thinking of her, sometimes with sadness but mostly with joy and gratitude, to God, something good would be missing from my life. I don’t ever want closure until I meet her in heaven. Then ironically, there will never be closure!
“‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4
It’s not over
In losing someone, it’s important to remember that the relationship is not over. Death can rob us from the companionship of a loved one, but not from the memories of their life and love. And why would we not want to remember that, even at the risk of some tears?
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