Clare De Graaf's Blog, page 26
March 14, 2016
Dealing With Difficult People in the Church
Do you have a friend or parent, who’s always suspicious of everyone’s motives, especially leaders of the church?
A few years ago, the elders at our church were wrestling with the issue of how much of a role should patriotism play in our church (4th of July, Veterans Day, etc.). There was a small group who opposed us at every turn, which of course is their right, up until we made a final decision. (After all, we elders could be wrong!)
After a tough congregational meeting on the issue, one couple came up to me, (an elder at the time) and made this accusation, “We don’t trust what we’re being told. We think you elders have all kinds of information you’re keeping back from us on this, and many other issues!”
I was very hurt. I know the prayer and hours of discussion that went into our decision and there’s not an elder I don’t respect deeply as men of integrity. So, I made an appointment with our Senior Pastor to discuss why this couple would ever think we’re capable of intentionally hiding facts to support our position. (In all fairness, we elders have made some stupid decisions, but not dishonest or deceitful ones).
“Clare, I’ve counseled with that couple and their adult children for years. The reason they’re suspicious of the leaders of the church, is because they have so many family secrets themselves, and lie to each other all the time. People with secrets and people who lie, tend to be suspicious that everyone else is just like them. They’re simply projecting their own experiences and personalities, on the church leadership.”
I thought his observations was very wise. Since then, I’ve been aware, even in my own life, how true that is. We all are products of our past and the sins of others taint our worldviews.
A woman who remarries after her husband has been unfaithful, will tend to be more suspicious of her new husband’s potential for unfaithfulness.
A man who grew up with a controlling father or mother, will be far more wary of others “trying to control them,” than the child of loving, affirming parents.
So, what do we do about it?
A few years ago, the elders at our church were wrestling with the issue of how much of a role should patriotism play in our church (4th of July, Veterans Day, etc.). There was a small group who opposed us at every turn, which of course is their right, up until we made a final decision. (After all, we elders could be wrong!)
After a tough congregational meeting on the issue, one couple came up to me, (an elder at the time) and made this accusation, “We don’t trust what we’re being told. We think you elders have all kinds of information you’re keeping back from us on this, and many other issues!”
I was very hurt. I know the prayer and hours of discussion that went into our decision and there’s not an elder I don’t respect deeply as men of integrity. So, I made an appointment with our Senior Pastor to discuss why this couple would ever think we’re capable of intentionally hiding facts to support our position. (In all fairness, we elders have made some stupid decisions, but not dishonest or deceitful ones).
“Clare, I’ve counseled with that couple and their adult children for years. The reason they’re suspicious of the leaders of the church, is because they have so many family secrets themselves, and lie to each other all the time. People with secrets and people who lie, tend to be suspicious that everyone else is just like them. They’re simply projecting their own experiences and personalities, on the church leadership.”
I thought his observations was very wise. Since then, I’ve been aware, even in my own life, how true that is. We all are products of our past and the sins of others taint our worldviews.
A woman who remarries after her husband has been unfaithful, will tend to be more suspicious of her new husband’s potential for unfaithfulness.
A man who grew up with a controlling father or mother, will be far more wary of others “trying to control them,” than the child of loving, affirming parents.
So, what do we do about it?
March 7, 2016
Are Your Conversations a “Snorkel or Scuba Dive?”
Last month, I attended the memorial service of a man everyone who knew him, admired. Scott was a faithful husband, father, successful businessman, but more importantly, a serious follower of Jesus. A year ago, I had an opportunity to spend an hour or so with his son, a high school student. “Tell me about your father,” I asked. Without any hesitation, he replied, “my dad is the real thing!”
A Christian man, or woman, can’t hardly get a higher compliment than that, especially from his children. I agreed with him. Scott was the real thing.
At the memorial service, a young pastor told a story of meeting Scott at a summer family camp in Michigan and halfway through the week, they took a long walk on the beach. A half hour into the walk, Scott turned to his new friend and asked this courageous question, “Is this conversation going to be a snorkel or a scuba dive?” Here’s what Scott was really asking.
A Christian man, or woman, can’t hardly get a higher compliment than that, especially from his children. I agreed with him. Scott was the real thing.
At the memorial service, a young pastor told a story of meeting Scott at a summer family camp in Michigan and halfway through the week, they took a long walk on the beach. A half hour into the walk, Scott turned to his new friend and asked this courageous question, “Is this conversation going to be a snorkel or a scuba dive?” Here’s what Scott was really asking.
February 29, 2016
A Cure for “Beige, Secular Christianity”
Last year, I spoke at a women’s conference, sharing my spiritual journey from beige-Christianity to actually being in love with Jesus. A woman a few rows back, had a sad look on her face and I wasn’t surprised when, during the Q and A time, she asked the first question.
“My husband is a beige Christian, at best. What advice do you have for helping me, help him?”
I told her the truth. I’m not sure anyone can cure anyone else of lukewarm, passionless Christianity, or if you can even call that Christianity. Only the Holy Spirit’s conviction can do that. However, if you know, or suspect, that you, or someone you love is just going through the motions spiritually, and is open to breaking free from that, here’s my best advice to jumpstart your spiritual life;
“My husband is a beige Christian, at best. What advice do you have for helping me, help him?”
I told her the truth. I’m not sure anyone can cure anyone else of lukewarm, passionless Christianity, or if you can even call that Christianity. Only the Holy Spirit’s conviction can do that. However, if you know, or suspect, that you, or someone you love is just going through the motions spiritually, and is open to breaking free from that, here’s my best advice to jumpstart your spiritual life;
February 22, 2016
10 Signs You Are a Secular Believer
If you’re leading a study at your church, or mentoring someone, this is a great topic for discussion. Almost no one thinks they’re a secular Christian, which is the first potential problem – self-deceit.
Just to be clear; Secular Christians are different than carnal Christians. A carnal Christian is someone who claims to be a Christian, yet is living in clear violation of God’s moral laws. However a secular Christian is far more subtle because while they attend church and have an outward veneer of spirituality, they have very little spiritual depth and do not possess a worldview that actually governs their day to day decisions.
The truth is, almost every Christian I know, including me, has drifted into both carnal and secular Christianity from time to time. So, I’m not pointing fingers at them. I’m suggesting all of us use this blog as a tool for self-examination.
What follows is a portion of a very thought provoking blog posted by Joseph Mattera, a full time pastor. (The questions in parenthesis are mine.)
Just to be clear; Secular Christians are different than carnal Christians. A carnal Christian is someone who claims to be a Christian, yet is living in clear violation of God’s moral laws. However a secular Christian is far more subtle because while they attend church and have an outward veneer of spirituality, they have very little spiritual depth and do not possess a worldview that actually governs their day to day decisions.
The truth is, almost every Christian I know, including me, has drifted into both carnal and secular Christianity from time to time. So, I’m not pointing fingers at them. I’m suggesting all of us use this blog as a tool for self-examination.
What follows is a portion of a very thought provoking blog posted by Joseph Mattera, a full time pastor. (The questions in parenthesis are mine.)
February 15, 2016
Is the Idea of a “Christian Tourist” an Oxymoron?
Does Jesus consider you a Christian tourist or one of his ambassadors?
I threw this question out to a group of leadership men one morning in a monthly discussion group I lead called 1st Tuesdays. I could tell that initially most of the men put themselves in the Christian ambassador column. However as the conversation went on and we began to explore the differences between a Christian ambassador and Christian tourists, several of the men grew more quiet and thoughtful. It’s also been a word picture I’ve used with our children and grandchildren, to help them better understand the mission of true kingdom people.
The term ambassador as a descriptor for Christians comes from Paul. “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.” II Cor. 5:20a
Of course, everyone always presses me to define the difference between the two, so I explain it this way.
I threw this question out to a group of leadership men one morning in a monthly discussion group I lead called 1st Tuesdays. I could tell that initially most of the men put themselves in the Christian ambassador column. However as the conversation went on and we began to explore the differences between a Christian ambassador and Christian tourists, several of the men grew more quiet and thoughtful. It’s also been a word picture I’ve used with our children and grandchildren, to help them better understand the mission of true kingdom people.
The term ambassador as a descriptor for Christians comes from Paul. “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.” II Cor. 5:20a
Of course, everyone always presses me to define the difference between the two, so I explain it this way.
February 8, 2016
Three Great Questions to Ask Yourself When Studying the Bible
When I was a kid and in school, I was a hard kid to teach because I rarely took what people told me to be true, unless they could answer my questions. And I questioned everything! In college, I was a philosophy minor. I loved discussing and arguing ideas, to sort out conventional thinking from true wisdom (as I saw it).
Even today, as a follower of Jesus, it bothers me when I hear other Christians use as the answer to almost everything, “because the Word of God says so.” I immediately want to ask “where does the Bible say that? Are there any other verses that give a different interpretation? Are the verses we’re both reading taken in context, or just quoted to justify an idea you already believe to be true?”
I also go on high alert whenever I hear someone quote a pastor who has a reputation for being on the edge. It’s a great temptation for a young pastor, to try to find a new meaning – to a long-held teaching of scripture, and then write a book about it, as if that validates the teaching.
I’m wary of pat answers or new interpretations. You should be very wary of them as well. So, here are three great questions to ask as you study the Bible.
Even today, as a follower of Jesus, it bothers me when I hear other Christians use as the answer to almost everything, “because the Word of God says so.” I immediately want to ask “where does the Bible say that? Are there any other verses that give a different interpretation? Are the verses we’re both reading taken in context, or just quoted to justify an idea you already believe to be true?”
I also go on high alert whenever I hear someone quote a pastor who has a reputation for being on the edge. It’s a great temptation for a young pastor, to try to find a new meaning – to a long-held teaching of scripture, and then write a book about it, as if that validates the teaching.
I’m wary of pat answers or new interpretations. You should be very wary of them as well. So, here are three great questions to ask as you study the Bible.
February 1, 2016
Using Movies to Teach a Biblical Worldview
Whether we like it or not, movies are shaping the worldview and values of our children, grandchildren and young Christians. We can either shake heads and throw up our hands in frustration, or use film to teach. A dozen times in my ministry, I’ve gathered young men together for pizza and a movie, and used films to teach.
While there are a growing number of quality Christian films being produced, most younger people are wary of them. And most of them are just painfully bad. So, I don’t use most “Christian” films. I’d prefer first quality, made in Hollywood films, or those few Christian films with great actors.
Jesus taught using parables. In fact, Matthew 13:34 says this, “Jesus spoke all these things to the crowd in parables; he did not say anything to them without using a parable.” So, while movies today are a lot edgier than Jesus’ stories, the basic principle is the same. Let the story teach and the memory of the story, reinforce that teaching.
When I watch these films for teaching purposes, I will often have a brief discussion ahead of time with my group, so they’ll be watching for certain themes (See my blog last week for some general themes that run through many films). So, here are a couple of my favorite movies for teaching, and why I like them and a brief outline of these themes for each.
While there are a growing number of quality Christian films being produced, most younger people are wary of them. And most of them are just painfully bad. So, I don’t use most “Christian” films. I’d prefer first quality, made in Hollywood films, or those few Christian films with great actors.
Jesus taught using parables. In fact, Matthew 13:34 says this, “Jesus spoke all these things to the crowd in parables; he did not say anything to them without using a parable.” So, while movies today are a lot edgier than Jesus’ stories, the basic principle is the same. Let the story teach and the memory of the story, reinforce that teaching.
When I watch these films for teaching purposes, I will often have a brief discussion ahead of time with my group, so they’ll be watching for certain themes (See my blog last week for some general themes that run through many films). So, here are a couple of my favorite movies for teaching, and why I like them and a brief outline of these themes for each.
January 25, 2016
Most Men Fear the Gospel Will Tame Them
I’ve met with lots of men who find Jesus intriguing. But they’re often scared to death that by becoming a Christian, they’ll become wimpy and domesticated. So, I’ll often begin by telling them what follows, to assuage their fear. Have you noticed that nearly all the great stories follow the same story line? Things were […]
Assuaging the Fear Men Have That the Gospel Will Tame Them
I’ve met with lots of men who find Jesus intriguing. But they’re often scared to death that by becoming a Christian, they’ll become wimpy and domesticated. So, I’ll often begin by telling them what follows, to assuage their fear. Have you noticed that nearly all the great stories follow the same story line? Things were […]
January 18, 2016
The Code-Breaker of Evangelism
About a year ago, I began meeting with a young businessman. This guy was bright, good looking, educated, very successful and he was spiritually lost. He just didn’t “get it!” (The gospel that is.) Perhaps you’ve had the same experience. The following are a few of my observations and my advice, if you truly want to understand what it takes to “break the code” of a person who has little interest in Jesus. Interspersed in this blog are specific ideas to overcome some of these barriers.
Spiritually lost people don’t generally know they are
Spiritually lost people know they don’t go to church, and don’t look to God for guidance, and they even know some of their behaviors are wrong. But they’ve heard God loves them, will forgive them and they believe they are generally “good people,” so they’re not really worried about becoming a serious Christian or worried about hell. They really haven’t rejected the gospel; they just don’t know what it is, and that they are separated from God, therefore they don’t know they need it.
Spiritually lost people don’t generally admire Christians, so they’d prefer not being one.
I’ve heard this observation more than once, “If Christianity and the Bible were true, it would produce better people.” The good news is that Jesus himself has a far better reputation than his followers. Jesus is still an attractive figure to non-Christians.Nevertheless, spiritual disinterested people are generally afraid of becoming a Christian. Your mission will not only be to explain the gospel, but to live the gospel! Authentic Christianity is more caught; than taught!
Spiritually lost people are waiting for you to put “rules” on them.
I met with one very successful, spiritually lost, businessman in a group study for over a year. Finally he pulled me aside and asked this question, “I know that you know I’m living with a woman who’s not my wife. Based on what I’ve ready in the Bible, I’m surprised you guys haven’t talked to me about that yet.”
Spiritually lost people don’t generally know they are
Spiritually lost people know they don’t go to church, and don’t look to God for guidance, and they even know some of their behaviors are wrong. But they’ve heard God loves them, will forgive them and they believe they are generally “good people,” so they’re not really worried about becoming a serious Christian or worried about hell. They really haven’t rejected the gospel; they just don’t know what it is, and that they are separated from God, therefore they don’t know they need it.
Spiritually lost people don’t generally admire Christians, so they’d prefer not being one.
I’ve heard this observation more than once, “If Christianity and the Bible were true, it would produce better people.” The good news is that Jesus himself has a far better reputation than his followers. Jesus is still an attractive figure to non-Christians.Nevertheless, spiritual disinterested people are generally afraid of becoming a Christian. Your mission will not only be to explain the gospel, but to live the gospel! Authentic Christianity is more caught; than taught!
Spiritually lost people are waiting for you to put “rules” on them.
I met with one very successful, spiritually lost, businessman in a group study for over a year. Finally he pulled me aside and asked this question, “I know that you know I’m living with a woman who’s not my wife. Based on what I’ve ready in the Bible, I’m surprised you guys haven’t talked to me about that yet.”
