Clare De Graaf's Blog, page 22
November 28, 2016
Discussion Two: Not All Gays Are Alike
It surprises many traditional evangelicals that the term “same-sex attracted” or “gay Christian” isn’t an oxymoron. There are people who believe that you’re either a Christian, or same-sex attracted, but you can’t be both! That’s a myth we’ll deal with in this discussion.
Something we said in Discussion One: An Introduction about the terms we will use in this book bears repeating: While many versions of the Bible use the word homosexual, today that term has a lot of baggage, and implies both a life of sin and a person who has adopted a gay identity (even though in fact neither may be true). Therefore, in this discussion, we will most often refer to Christians who are attracted to a person of the same gender as same-sex attracted or SSA. “Same-sex attraction” is a descriptive term that gives us the freedom to describe a person’s temptations without labeling them with an identity or making assumptions about their sexual activities. When we use the term LGBTQ or gay, we are referring most frequently to non-Christians (but they can be Christians) who have taken on the identity of a lesbian, gay, bisexual transgender, or questioning person.
How many men and women experience SSA?
Something we said in Discussion One: An Introduction about the terms we will use in this book bears repeating: While many versions of the Bible use the word homosexual, today that term has a lot of baggage, and implies both a life of sin and a person who has adopted a gay identity (even though in fact neither may be true). Therefore, in this discussion, we will most often refer to Christians who are attracted to a person of the same gender as same-sex attracted or SSA. “Same-sex attraction” is a descriptive term that gives us the freedom to describe a person’s temptations without labeling them with an identity or making assumptions about their sexual activities. When we use the term LGBTQ or gay, we are referring most frequently to non-Christians (but they can be Christians) who have taken on the identity of a lesbian, gay, bisexual transgender, or questioning person.
How many men and women experience SSA?
November 21, 2016
Discussion One: An Introduction
(This is the first in a series of eight readings and discussion questions, that make up “Leading Your Church to be as Gay-Friendly as the Bible Teaches.”)
The title of this Discussion Guide, Leading Your Church to be as “Gay Friendly” as the Bible Teaches, manages to offend almost everyone at first.
Most LGBTQ men and women we’ve spoken with can’t imagine that the evangelical church could ever be gay friendly—and many evangelicals can’t imagine why we’d even want to make the church gay friendly. This is exactly why many of us are standing on opposite sides of the proverbial “same-sex debate canyon,” shouting at each other and getting nowhere. This guide is a blueprint for how you and your church can move beyond statements of belief and take the initiative in building understanding in your congregation, with the ultimate goal of building relational and spiritual bridges between all of us.
The title of this Discussion Guide, Leading Your Church to be as “Gay Friendly” as the Bible Teaches, manages to offend almost everyone at first.
Most LGBTQ men and women we’ve spoken with can’t imagine that the evangelical church could ever be gay friendly—and many evangelicals can’t imagine why we’d even want to make the church gay friendly. This is exactly why many of us are standing on opposite sides of the proverbial “same-sex debate canyon,” shouting at each other and getting nowhere. This guide is a blueprint for how you and your church can move beyond statements of belief and take the initiative in building understanding in your congregation, with the ultimate goal of building relational and spiritual bridges between all of us.
November 14, 2016
Leading Your Church to be as Gay-Friendly as the Bible Teaches, By Clare De Graaf and Laurie Krieg
For the past year, Laurie Krieg, my co-author and I have been writing a discussion guide on the topic of homosexuality. We’ve titled it, Leading Your Church to be as “Gay-Friendly” as the Bible Teaches, and it was written specifically for pastors and church leaders.
We believe the discussion of homosexuality and same-sex marriage will be the debate in the Church, for the next decade. We also believe there is a better way to approach these issues than doctrinal statements alone. But you may be thinking, “why in the world would any biblically conservative church actually want to be ‘gay-friendly’ at all? Really?”
Wouldn't Jesus expect us to be kind and welcoming to our non-Christian LGBT, neighbors and visitors to our churches? How about Christian men and women right in most of our churches, who have unwanted sexual attractions to their own sex and want to remain pure but are being tempted and are too ashamed to tell anyone, or come to the church for help? What about your students? Would we not want to be friendly by making your youth group a safe place to openly discuss these issues before they head off to college and buy into the affirming theology of Christians who think God is fine with committed, monogamous same-sex relationships? Then there are parents of LGBT men and women who need our friendship and understanding, not judgment. And we could go on!
Leading Your Church to be as Gay-Friendly as the Bible Teaches is a free, eight-lesson discussion guide for church leaders. It was written to help non-affirming pastors introduce their staff and other leaders, and eventually church members to a biblically conservative but more gracious approach to understanding the experience, language, and theology of LGBT men and women.
This guide goes beyond doctrinal statements of what the Bible teaches on this subject. Christians who complete the eight weeks will feel far more comfortable having thoughtful, biblical, and grace-filled discussions with their friends, neighbors, children, and LGBT men and women. This guide also provides a specific plan of action to begin changing the culture of your church by educating students, parents, and the entire church.
Over the next eight weeks, my blog will introduce the eight discussions we’re hoping pastors and church leaders will begin having, and that we hope you will consider having with your Bible study group. If you want to download all eight discussions at one time, it’s available here. (There’s also a six-week Small Group Edition available for $3.00 each.)
Here’s a preview of each discussion;
We believe the discussion of homosexuality and same-sex marriage will be the debate in the Church, for the next decade. We also believe there is a better way to approach these issues than doctrinal statements alone. But you may be thinking, “why in the world would any biblically conservative church actually want to be ‘gay-friendly’ at all? Really?”
Wouldn't Jesus expect us to be kind and welcoming to our non-Christian LGBT, neighbors and visitors to our churches? How about Christian men and women right in most of our churches, who have unwanted sexual attractions to their own sex and want to remain pure but are being tempted and are too ashamed to tell anyone, or come to the church for help? What about your students? Would we not want to be friendly by making your youth group a safe place to openly discuss these issues before they head off to college and buy into the affirming theology of Christians who think God is fine with committed, monogamous same-sex relationships? Then there are parents of LGBT men and women who need our friendship and understanding, not judgment. And we could go on!
Leading Your Church to be as Gay-Friendly as the Bible Teaches is a free, eight-lesson discussion guide for church leaders. It was written to help non-affirming pastors introduce their staff and other leaders, and eventually church members to a biblically conservative but more gracious approach to understanding the experience, language, and theology of LGBT men and women.
This guide goes beyond doctrinal statements of what the Bible teaches on this subject. Christians who complete the eight weeks will feel far more comfortable having thoughtful, biblical, and grace-filled discussions with their friends, neighbors, children, and LGBT men and women. This guide also provides a specific plan of action to begin changing the culture of your church by educating students, parents, and the entire church.
Over the next eight weeks, my blog will introduce the eight discussions we’re hoping pastors and church leaders will begin having, and that we hope you will consider having with your Bible study group. If you want to download all eight discussions at one time, it’s available here. (There’s also a six-week Small Group Edition available for $3.00 each.)
Here’s a preview of each discussion;
November 7, 2016
Second Guessing God
I’ve been spending a lot of time these days trying to understand LGBTQ people and their struggle. And it is a serious struggle. Every Christian with a same-sex attraction (SSA) I’ve met has begged God to remove that desire from them, hundreds of times. They did not want to be that way. But for reasons known only to God, that temptation has not been removed. So, now what for them?
In a few weeks, I’ll begin a five-week blog series, a discussion guide for small groups, we’ve been writing, entitled, “Leading Your Church to be as Gay-Friendly as the Bible Teaches.”
However, today I want to explore the question I posed above; “So, now what for them?” LGBTQ Christians read the same Bible as you and I and the verses that discuss same-sex sex appear to be clear and unambiguous. Verses like these;
“Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.” Leviticus 18:22
“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” Leviticus 20:13
“Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.” Romans 1:26,27
“Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9, 10
So, there they are! Same-sex, sex (and all kinds of heterosexual sex outside of marriage as well) are forbidden by God. Therefore, every Christian, gay or straight has a choice to make when it comes to our sexual practices. Obey or disobey God. For thousands of years, those were the only two choices.
But does the Bible really mean that?
But many Christians with a same-sex attraction believe they have been offered a third choice. The debate has shifted from what the Bible says, to what the Bible really means when it prohibits same-sex sex.
In a few weeks, I’ll begin a five-week blog series, a discussion guide for small groups, we’ve been writing, entitled, “Leading Your Church to be as Gay-Friendly as the Bible Teaches.”
However, today I want to explore the question I posed above; “So, now what for them?” LGBTQ Christians read the same Bible as you and I and the verses that discuss same-sex sex appear to be clear and unambiguous. Verses like these;
“Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.” Leviticus 18:22
“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” Leviticus 20:13
“Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.” Romans 1:26,27
“Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9, 10
So, there they are! Same-sex, sex (and all kinds of heterosexual sex outside of marriage as well) are forbidden by God. Therefore, every Christian, gay or straight has a choice to make when it comes to our sexual practices. Obey or disobey God. For thousands of years, those were the only two choices.
But does the Bible really mean that?
But many Christians with a same-sex attraction believe they have been offered a third choice. The debate has shifted from what the Bible says, to what the Bible really means when it prohibits same-sex sex.
October 31, 2016
How Thoughtful Christians Are Breaking Old Giving Habits
The average Christian gives most of their stewardship giving to their church, the Christian school their children or grandchildren attend and to local ministries. In fact, we know that 97% of all giving by American Christians, stays right in the U.S.
As I said in last week’s blog, if God has entrusted American Christians with over half of the Christian world’s giving power, do we really believe he wants us to spend 97% on our fellow Americans? What about the 2,000,000 billion who’ve never heard the gospel? What about the 1,000,000 billion who live on less than $500 a year and lack everything?
That’s the question and here’s my answer;
If everything we own belongs to God, I’m confident if he were directing our giving, far more than 3% would go to the underserved of the world.
If you agree, let’s take a look at how we got into the 97% habit and also, how we can break it.
As I said in last week’s blog, if God has entrusted American Christians with over half of the Christian world’s giving power, do we really believe he wants us to spend 97% on our fellow Americans? What about the 2,000,000 billion who’ve never heard the gospel? What about the 1,000,000 billion who live on less than $500 a year and lack everything?
That’s the question and here’s my answer;
If everything we own belongs to God, I’m confident if he were directing our giving, far more than 3% would go to the underserved of the world.
If you agree, let’s take a look at how we got into the 97% habit and also, how we can break it.
October 24, 2016
“What Kinds of Ministries Do You Like Giving To?,” May Be the Wrong Question
I was with a group of men recently and I was teaching on biblical stewardship. At one point, one of the men asked, “what kinds of ministries do you like giving to?”
“Before I answer that, I have a question for you. How much of what you own, belongs to God?” I asked. “All of it,” was his reply.
“Well then, what ministries I like giving to, or what you like giving to, is the wrong question. The most important question is this; where does God want his resources invested?”
“Before I answer that, I have a question for you. How much of what you own, belongs to God?” I asked. “All of it,” was his reply.
“Well then, what ministries I like giving to, or what you like giving to, is the wrong question. The most important question is this; where does God want his resources invested?”
“What Kinds of Ministries Do You Like Giving To?”, May Be the Wrong Question
I was with a group of men recently and I was teaching on biblical stewardship. At one point, one of the men asked, “what kinds of ministries do you like giving to?”
“Before I answer that, I have a question for you. How much of what you own, belongs to God?” I asked. “All of it,” was his reply.
“Well then, what ministries I like giving to, or what you like giving to, is the wrong question. The most important question is this; where does God want his resources invested?”
“Before I answer that, I have a question for you. How much of what you own, belongs to God?” I asked. “All of it,” was his reply.
“Well then, what ministries I like giving to, or what you like giving to, is the wrong question. The most important question is this; where does God want his resources invested?”
October 17, 2016
Attention Every Bad Listener, (From One of Your Own!)
Like most husbands, when their wives ask them to read something, my heart rate instantly rose when my wife Susan suggested I read just three pages of a book – on listening.
I’m a terrible listener. But those three pages gave me hope and a specific plan to get better at a skill, scripture highly encourages.
“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” James 1:19
So, if you or someone you know is listening challenged as I am, just ask them to read this blog, which is edited from a wonderful book entitled The Listening Life, by Adam McHugh (Intervarsity Press). Then buy this book!
Pushing the Arrow
Good listening starts with the scandalous premise that this conversation is not about you. Allow me to repeat myself: this conversation is not about you. Yet everything in us wants to make it about ourselves. It is an ever-present temptation, even if we are not aware of it. Perhaps especially if we are not aware of it.
It is my aim to simplify the art of listening, the art of not making the conversation about you, as much as possible. Imagine that there is a big arrow hovering over the space between two people engaged in a conversation. It is a very smart, mind-reading arrow, and it swivels to point at whomever the attention in the conversation is focused on. To listen, we remind ourselves, is to pay focused and loving attention on another. So, as the listener in this conversation, your goal is to keep the arrow pointing at the other person. Encourage the other person to keep talking, to take an idea further, to go deeper into a story, memory or emotion. Then you’re listening. If you remember nothing else from this chapter remember this.
I’m a terrible listener. But those three pages gave me hope and a specific plan to get better at a skill, scripture highly encourages.
“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” James 1:19
So, if you or someone you know is listening challenged as I am, just ask them to read this blog, which is edited from a wonderful book entitled The Listening Life, by Adam McHugh (Intervarsity Press). Then buy this book!
Pushing the Arrow
Good listening starts with the scandalous premise that this conversation is not about you. Allow me to repeat myself: this conversation is not about you. Yet everything in us wants to make it about ourselves. It is an ever-present temptation, even if we are not aware of it. Perhaps especially if we are not aware of it.
It is my aim to simplify the art of listening, the art of not making the conversation about you, as much as possible. Imagine that there is a big arrow hovering over the space between two people engaged in a conversation. It is a very smart, mind-reading arrow, and it swivels to point at whomever the attention in the conversation is focused on. To listen, we remind ourselves, is to pay focused and loving attention on another. So, as the listener in this conversation, your goal is to keep the arrow pointing at the other person. Encourage the other person to keep talking, to take an idea further, to go deeper into a story, memory or emotion. Then you’re listening. If you remember nothing else from this chapter remember this.
October 10, 2016
The Golden Rule, for Adults
Even atheists know the Golden Rule. “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31.
Good parents have taught their children to obey the Golden Rule, from the time they could talk. And whenever someone mentions the Golden Rule, we nod in affirmation and say, “That’s the only way to live!”
And when we were children the application of the Golden Rule was pretty straightforward.
Share your toys
Let the other person have their turn on the swing
Don’t hit your sister
That hurt her feelings. Is that the way you’d like to be treated?
“Kids, remember the Golden Rule. Do onto others as you would have them do to you.”
But the application of the Golden Rule gets more complicated as we get older. Why? Because it sometimes involves our attitude toward people different than us or people who’ve hurt us deeply and it often costs us dearly.
Good parents have taught their children to obey the Golden Rule, from the time they could talk. And whenever someone mentions the Golden Rule, we nod in affirmation and say, “That’s the only way to live!”
And when we were children the application of the Golden Rule was pretty straightforward.
Share your toys
Let the other person have their turn on the swing
Don’t hit your sister
That hurt her feelings. Is that the way you’d like to be treated?
“Kids, remember the Golden Rule. Do onto others as you would have them do to you.”
But the application of the Golden Rule gets more complicated as we get older. Why? Because it sometimes involves our attitude toward people different than us or people who’ve hurt us deeply and it often costs us dearly.
October 3, 2016
Have You Prepared Your Children or Grandchildren for Your Own Death?
Over the years, I’ve met so many young people who have walked away from God or became angry with him because “he took my mother (or dad) from me. Why would a good God, a loving God do that?” So a few years ago I decided to prepare our grandchildren for the day of my […]
