Clare De Graaf's Blog, page 28
November 9, 2015
A Guest Blog: When Your Apology Falls Flat
In our years of counseling couples and families, we have encountered this challenging scenario many times:
Wife: "I would forgive him if he would just apologize."
Husband: "I did apologize. I said I was sorry."
Wife: "That's not an apology."
In the husband's mind, he apologized; in the wife's mind, he did not. Does this sound familiar? Have your apologies to your spouse and children fallen flat? Do the apologies of the people in your family connect with your heart and motivate you to forgive? Or do they seem to seldom apologize? What are your children learning through your words and actions about what it means to apologize?
After two years of research, we have discovered that people have different apology languages. A person may apologize sincerely, and yet, the apology is not perceived as sincere because it's spoken in a different language. Consider these five distinct languages of apology:
Wife: "I would forgive him if he would just apologize."
Husband: "I did apologize. I said I was sorry."
Wife: "That's not an apology."
In the husband's mind, he apologized; in the wife's mind, he did not. Does this sound familiar? Have your apologies to your spouse and children fallen flat? Do the apologies of the people in your family connect with your heart and motivate you to forgive? Or do they seem to seldom apologize? What are your children learning through your words and actions about what it means to apologize?
After two years of research, we have discovered that people have different apology languages. A person may apologize sincerely, and yet, the apology is not perceived as sincere because it's spoken in a different language. Consider these five distinct languages of apology:
November 2, 2015
Why Just Having a Doctrinal Statement For Your Church, May Not Be Enough
When I was a kid, my parents made me memorize the Heidelberg Catechism, 129 questions and answers. Memorize the whole thing! You couldn’t get kids to do that today at gunpoint!
The catechism was the framework for understanding a reformed, covenantal, biblical worldview. As a 12-14 year old, I couldn’t have cared less. When I asked my parents “why,” they said they didn’t simply want me to know what Christians believed, but why we believed it. What a novel thought! But even now, 50 years later, what I learned way back then, the Holy Spirit still uses to remind me why I have the confidence I do in God’s truth.
Every church has a Statement of Doctrine. But half dozen years ago, the elders at my church felt we needed more than a statement of what we believe. We came under conviction that with biblical truth under attack everywhere, our people needed more context. They needed to know why we believe, what we believe!
The catechism was the framework for understanding a reformed, covenantal, biblical worldview. As a 12-14 year old, I couldn’t have cared less. When I asked my parents “why,” they said they didn’t simply want me to know what Christians believed, but why we believed it. What a novel thought! But even now, 50 years later, what I learned way back then, the Holy Spirit still uses to remind me why I have the confidence I do in God’s truth.
Every church has a Statement of Doctrine. But half dozen years ago, the elders at my church felt we needed more than a statement of what we believe. We came under conviction that with biblical truth under attack everywhere, our people needed more context. They needed to know why we believe, what we believe!
October 26, 2015
Who Trains the Elders and Deacons in your Church – Anyone!
The night I was elected elder in my church, I began serving. Within a week I was voting on decisions that I was totally unprepared to make. I was clueless about what elders did or how they did it, so I just watched some of the more experienced elders. For better or worse, I just did what they did and within a few months, I was catching on.
But what exactly, was I catching on to? Was I truly being a biblical elder or was I just doing what the elders have always done at my church?
It took me a few years to figure out that something was seriously wrong with this process. My church and Jesus as head of the church, deserved better than this on the job training of leaders. So a dozen years ago, the leadership of our church did three things that dramatically changed the way our leaders were trained and organized.
But what exactly, was I catching on to? Was I truly being a biblical elder or was I just doing what the elders have always done at my church?
It took me a few years to figure out that something was seriously wrong with this process. My church and Jesus as head of the church, deserved better than this on the job training of leaders. So a dozen years ago, the leadership of our church did three things that dramatically changed the way our leaders were trained and organized.
October 19, 2015
Choosing the Leaders of Your Church by “Casting Lots”
Nearly 20 years ago, I was elected an elder of my church. But, I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was honored that I was both nominated by the elders and pastors and elected by the congregation. But something bothered me about the process.
It felt like a popularity contest.
I felt badly that there may have been men in the church more spiritually qualified than me. But because these other men weren’t as well known in the church or the community as I was, they were not elected. So, I voiced my concerns to the elders.
“That’s the way we’ve always done it,” “Almost ever church elects it’s leadership that way” or, “We believe God speaks through the people to vote for the leaders he wants,” were the reasons I most frequently heard. Still, the whole process felt more like a democracy, than biblical. There had to be a better way.
Voting by the Congregation
James M. Boice a respected pastor had this somewhat cynical comment on popular voting in general: “One of the things Presbyterians especially do is to outvote the dissenters. We call a meeting. We ask people to speak. We make a motion, being careful to follow Robert’s Rules of Order. Then when we have our motion and our second, we vote to cut off debate, vote, and the majority prevails. Our will is done, and everything has been accomplished democratically. I have heard people say, ‘The Holy Spirit speaks through the fifty-one percent vote.’ But that is usually not the case, to judge by outcomes.”
It felt like a popularity contest.
I felt badly that there may have been men in the church more spiritually qualified than me. But because these other men weren’t as well known in the church or the community as I was, they were not elected. So, I voiced my concerns to the elders.
“That’s the way we’ve always done it,” “Almost ever church elects it’s leadership that way” or, “We believe God speaks through the people to vote for the leaders he wants,” were the reasons I most frequently heard. Still, the whole process felt more like a democracy, than biblical. There had to be a better way.
Voting by the Congregation
James M. Boice a respected pastor had this somewhat cynical comment on popular voting in general: “One of the things Presbyterians especially do is to outvote the dissenters. We call a meeting. We ask people to speak. We make a motion, being careful to follow Robert’s Rules of Order. Then when we have our motion and our second, we vote to cut off debate, vote, and the majority prevails. Our will is done, and everything has been accomplished democratically. I have heard people say, ‘The Holy Spirit speaks through the fifty-one percent vote.’ But that is usually not the case, to judge by outcomes.”
October 12, 2015
Jesus – The Only Way?
Last week, I got a call to meet for coffee with a small group of young pastors and leaders, working with college students at our church. “We’d like to hear how you handle these questions.”
“Why do Christians insist that faith in Jesus is the only way a person can get to heaven? Isn’t that arrogant and disrespectful of other religions?”
None of these young leaders had any doubt that Christ is the only way a person can be made right with God. But they were frustrated that the arguments they’d been using, just weren’t doing the trick. So they were looking for new material.
Perhaps you have an older child or grandchild who’ve voiced the same questions. You’ve tried giving them a Josh McDowell or Lee Strobel book, but you’re not even sure they’ve read it, or ever will. Perhaps what I said to this group will help you as you dialogue with them.
“Why do Christians insist that faith in Jesus is the only way a person can get to heaven? Isn’t that arrogant and disrespectful of other religions?”
None of these young leaders had any doubt that Christ is the only way a person can be made right with God. But they were frustrated that the arguments they’d been using, just weren’t doing the trick. So they were looking for new material.
Perhaps you have an older child or grandchild who’ve voiced the same questions. You’ve tried giving them a Josh McDowell or Lee Strobel book, but you’re not even sure they’ve read it, or ever will. Perhaps what I said to this group will help you as you dialogue with them.
October 5, 2015
Some of the Most Important Questions Any Parent or Grandparent Can Ask of Themselves
A few months ago, I was meeting with a Christian businessman I really admire. As we began talking about his childhood, I asked him if his father ever told him, he loved him. He thought for a moment and said with a look of nostalgia, “I don’t recall him saying those words, but I know […]
September 28, 2015
But the Law Says I Have a Right!
A few months ago, I sat with an attorney representing a well off investor, who had a claim against a small struggling businessman. The man and his wife had signed for a loan. The terms were reasonable, the interest was fair, but the man’s business had failed and the investor had already foreclosed on the real estate owned by the business.
However, the investor was concerned that the property alone, when sold, would not cover the debt, so now he was about to take the couple’s two old cars, a trailer used for work and his tools. To complicate matters, both the investor and the small business owners were Christians. So, I got a call from the debtor, who I barely knew, and he asked if I would get involved. I promptly called the investor, who I’d met only once, and asked if we could meet. He agreed, if his attorney could be present, (who was not a Christian).
It was clear from the legal documents that the investor and his attorney had the legal right to everything the debtor had. He and his wife had signed personally for the loan. But, I listened to the investor's version of the story. I’ve learned there truly are, two sides to every story. When he finished explaining, the investor said with righteous indignation, “The law says, I have a right to do this!” My response surprised him.
However, the investor was concerned that the property alone, when sold, would not cover the debt, so now he was about to take the couple’s two old cars, a trailer used for work and his tools. To complicate matters, both the investor and the small business owners were Christians. So, I got a call from the debtor, who I barely knew, and he asked if I would get involved. I promptly called the investor, who I’d met only once, and asked if we could meet. He agreed, if his attorney could be present, (who was not a Christian).
It was clear from the legal documents that the investor and his attorney had the legal right to everything the debtor had. He and his wife had signed personally for the loan. But, I listened to the investor's version of the story. I’ve learned there truly are, two sides to every story. When he finished explaining, the investor said with righteous indignation, “The law says, I have a right to do this!” My response surprised him.
September 21, 2015
Civil Disobedience, the Bible and Kim Davis
I’ve been asked a dozen times over the last few weeks, for my opinion on Kim Davis, the Rowan, Kentucky, County Clerk who was jailed a few weeks ago for refusing to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. So what are Christians to think?
Based on my research, Kim takes God seriously. She gave her life to Jesus four years ago after three failed marriages and several children born out of wedlock. But since her conversion, she takes both marriage and the Bible serious – seriously enough to go to jail for what she believes. You have to admire anyone who is willing to be jailed for their religious convictions!
However, I do not agree, either with her decision, or her rationale for making it. I’ll first explain why. Then, I’ll present several biblical options for someone in her position.
Legalizing sin
I believe the Supreme Court’s decision to allow same-sex couples to marry was a terrible decision that, like Roe vs. Wade, legalizes a sin, God prohibits and will have repercussions for our society we can’t even imagine today. Read my blog on July 2, 2015 (http://bit.ly/1T8gyAB) to read a summary of my objections.
That being said, when the Supreme Court of the United States makes a ruling, for all practical purposes, it becomes the law of the land, for which there is no appeal, other than a constitutional change. I understand there are Christian legal experts who disagree. They believe only Congress can make laws, not the Supreme Court, therefore Davis is not violating an actual law. However, almost all Supreme Court legal experts I’ve researched, seriously disagree – and cite hundreds of Supreme Court rulings, that never were backed up by a law in Congress, which de facto, became the law of the land. (Affirmative Action, Brown vs. The Board of Education (the desegregation of schools), etc.)
But, Kim Davis did not give the argument that she wasn’t violating an actual law as her reason for disobeying. Rather, in the words of her attorney in court, “her (Davis) religious convictions and faith, should exempt her from having to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, which violates her conscience. This is a freedom of religion issue.”
So the question is, can Christians refuse to obey the law of the land? The answer is both “no” and “yes.”
Based on my research, Kim takes God seriously. She gave her life to Jesus four years ago after three failed marriages and several children born out of wedlock. But since her conversion, she takes both marriage and the Bible serious – seriously enough to go to jail for what she believes. You have to admire anyone who is willing to be jailed for their religious convictions!
However, I do not agree, either with her decision, or her rationale for making it. I’ll first explain why. Then, I’ll present several biblical options for someone in her position.
Legalizing sin
I believe the Supreme Court’s decision to allow same-sex couples to marry was a terrible decision that, like Roe vs. Wade, legalizes a sin, God prohibits and will have repercussions for our society we can’t even imagine today. Read my blog on July 2, 2015 (http://bit.ly/1T8gyAB) to read a summary of my objections.
That being said, when the Supreme Court of the United States makes a ruling, for all practical purposes, it becomes the law of the land, for which there is no appeal, other than a constitutional change. I understand there are Christian legal experts who disagree. They believe only Congress can make laws, not the Supreme Court, therefore Davis is not violating an actual law. However, almost all Supreme Court legal experts I’ve researched, seriously disagree – and cite hundreds of Supreme Court rulings, that never were backed up by a law in Congress, which de facto, became the law of the land. (Affirmative Action, Brown vs. The Board of Education (the desegregation of schools), etc.)
But, Kim Davis did not give the argument that she wasn’t violating an actual law as her reason for disobeying. Rather, in the words of her attorney in court, “her (Davis) religious convictions and faith, should exempt her from having to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, which violates her conscience. This is a freedom of religion issue.”
So the question is, can Christians refuse to obey the law of the land? The answer is both “no” and “yes.”
September 14, 2015
The Rest of the Story
“I’ve had it! Our marriage is a sham. I really believe it would be better for the kids to not be exposed to the constant tension in our home. I just want to be done with it.”
I’m guessing that you’ve heard these pain-filled words from a family member or friend and found yourself at a loss as to what to say.
Setting aside for a few minutes what the Bible has to say about divorce, and who’s to blame for the disintegration of the marriage, here’s what I tell anyone who is contemplating initiating a divorce and is saying; “I just want to be done with it (or her, in this case) and move on.”
The Rest of the Story
“The truth is as long as you live, if you have children, you will never be done with it. For the rest of your life, every holiday, every birthday, every graduation and every wedding involving your children will be a negotiation. You not only will have to negotiate the shared custody schedule with your spouse, as your kids get older they will be increasingly reluctant to continue to be pawns in this game and will generally want to spend less time with both of you. While this is difficult for you to imagine, it occurs with enough frequency, particularly among teenagers, that it is almost always detrimental to your relationship with your child.
They will feel guilty on holidays because one of you is alone. They will feel pumped for information about your ex and violated if that information is used by you against her. They feel helpless and they resent being put in that position. As a result, they will talk less to both of you and you’ll truly wonder – “why?”
I’m guessing that you’ve heard these pain-filled words from a family member or friend and found yourself at a loss as to what to say.
Setting aside for a few minutes what the Bible has to say about divorce, and who’s to blame for the disintegration of the marriage, here’s what I tell anyone who is contemplating initiating a divorce and is saying; “I just want to be done with it (or her, in this case) and move on.”
The Rest of the Story
“The truth is as long as you live, if you have children, you will never be done with it. For the rest of your life, every holiday, every birthday, every graduation and every wedding involving your children will be a negotiation. You not only will have to negotiate the shared custody schedule with your spouse, as your kids get older they will be increasingly reluctant to continue to be pawns in this game and will generally want to spend less time with both of you. While this is difficult for you to imagine, it occurs with enough frequency, particularly among teenagers, that it is almost always detrimental to your relationship with your child.
They will feel guilty on holidays because one of you is alone. They will feel pumped for information about your ex and violated if that information is used by you against her. They feel helpless and they resent being put in that position. As a result, they will talk less to both of you and you’ll truly wonder – “why?”
September 7, 2015
How To Be a Hero
I just met my newest spiritual hero.
A woman I’ve met only once before, just left my office. The first time I met her, was four days after her husband confessed to a serious sexual sin. She was mad, angry and disillusioned about men in general and let one of our pastors and me know it, in no uncertain terms.
“I’m never going to let this man back in my life, my house, or my bed again! I’m done! I’m not only done with him, but I’m done with men!”
We simply listened, which for a guy is almost impossible. But it was clear she just needed to vent. She said she was going to divorce him, because she had biblical grounds. We agreed, she did. And she subsequently did file for divorce.
She’d just been given, her get out of hell free card!
Over the 30 years I’ve been a mentor and elder, I’ve noticed this phenomena if one of the spouses in a tough or mediocre marriage has had an affair, or commits some other serious sexual sin. When that happens, the sinned-against spouse was just handed their, get out of hell free card.
A woman I’ve met only once before, just left my office. The first time I met her, was four days after her husband confessed to a serious sexual sin. She was mad, angry and disillusioned about men in general and let one of our pastors and me know it, in no uncertain terms.
“I’m never going to let this man back in my life, my house, or my bed again! I’m done! I’m not only done with him, but I’m done with men!”
We simply listened, which for a guy is almost impossible. But it was clear she just needed to vent. She said she was going to divorce him, because she had biblical grounds. We agreed, she did. And she subsequently did file for divorce.
She’d just been given, her get out of hell free card!
Over the 30 years I’ve been a mentor and elder, I’ve noticed this phenomena if one of the spouses in a tough or mediocre marriage has had an affair, or commits some other serious sexual sin. When that happens, the sinned-against spouse was just handed their, get out of hell free card.
