C.K. Edwards's Blog, page 15
December 8, 2014
Daily Ambivalence - I saw a documentary on figgy pudding
I saw a documentary on figgy pudding the other night and - call me crazy - the pudding looked disgusting. Didn't even look like pudding.
Kind of ruins that whole Christmas song for me, you know, even makes me question the Victorian era pattern upon which much of our current Christmas tradition is based.
I don't understand what it is about figgy pudding that could inspire a song. Follow me on this - you're a kid living during the Victorian era and you make songs about figgy pudding when you could have had a Snickers bar or maybe some rope licorice. Why not write a song where you say "now bring us some Reese's Pieces, now bring us some Reese's Pieces . . ." That totally scans.
I'd sing along with that version of the song. But figgy pudding? Pass.
I saw a documentary on figgy pudding . . . eh.
Kind of ruins that whole Christmas song for me, you know, even makes me question the Victorian era pattern upon which much of our current Christmas tradition is based.
I don't understand what it is about figgy pudding that could inspire a song. Follow me on this - you're a kid living during the Victorian era and you make songs about figgy pudding when you could have had a Snickers bar or maybe some rope licorice. Why not write a song where you say "now bring us some Reese's Pieces, now bring us some Reese's Pieces . . ." That totally scans.
I'd sing along with that version of the song. But figgy pudding? Pass.
I saw a documentary on figgy pudding . . . eh.
December 5, 2014
I could have sworn that guy was dead
I just got a Christmas card from Harvey and I could have sworn that guy was dead.
I even stopped sending Harvey Christmas cards a couple years ago. And I took him off my Facebook friends list.
You know what that means?
That video of the cat band playing In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida that I shared yesterday? Harvey didn't get that. Because I thought he was dead. But he's not.
It's a Christmas miracle.
I even stopped sending Harvey Christmas cards a couple years ago. And I took him off my Facebook friends list.
You know what that means?
That video of the cat band playing In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida that I shared yesterday? Harvey didn't get that. Because I thought he was dead. But he's not.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Daily Ambivalence - I could have sworn that guy was dead
I just got a Christmas card from Harvey and I could have sworn that guy was dead.
I even stopped sending Harvey Christmas cards a couple years ago. And I took him off my Facebook friends list.
You know what that means?
That video of the cat band playing In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida that I shared yesterday? Harvey didn't get that. Because I thought he was dead. But he's not.
It's a Christmas miracle.
I even stopped sending Harvey Christmas cards a couple years ago. And I took him off my Facebook friends list.
You know what that means?
That video of the cat band playing In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida that I shared yesterday? Harvey didn't get that. Because I thought he was dead. But he's not.
It's a Christmas miracle.
December 3, 2014
Daily Ambivalence - I heard that Christmas song 20 minutes ago
I've been listening to the same radio station all morning and they played this same song twenty minutes ago.
After a little careful thought this actually fills my heart with gladness, because probably the only logical explanation for this with all the millions of Christmas songs to choose from is parental pride. I'll bet the DJ on the other end of the speakers really loves this song because his kid is the one singing it.
Totally understandable. If I was a DJ and my kid had a Christmas album, I'd play it all the time.
Weird though. That DJ must be really old if Neal Diamond is his kid.
After a little careful thought this actually fills my heart with gladness, because probably the only logical explanation for this with all the millions of Christmas songs to choose from is parental pride. I'll bet the DJ on the other end of the speakers really loves this song because his kid is the one singing it.
Totally understandable. If I was a DJ and my kid had a Christmas album, I'd play it all the time.
Weird though. That DJ must be really old if Neal Diamond is his kid.
December 1, 2014
There was that dream about the midnight train
There was that dream where I took the midnight train to Georgia and I was hoping it would drop me off somewhere along the coast but when the conductor kicked me off I was in Macon, which sounds great because Macon sounds like bacon but I didn't even catch a whiff of cured pork and Macon is in the center of Georgia so there was no ocean except for this guy's yard where he'd set up a small wading pool for his daughter and her friends but when I crashed the party to lay out a little I found that most southerners actually do carry guns and the dad didn't appreciate it when I spoke to him in my best southern accent and I'm lucky that my dog Oakley jumped up on my bed at that moment in the dream and licked my face because I've heard if you die in a dream you die for real.
November 26, 2014
Daily Ambivalence - Thanksgiving is on a Thursday this year
That guy on the phone says Thanksgiving is always on Thursday but I swear when I was little it happened on Monday once.
Not that it was all that great a Thanksgiving, as Thanksgivings go. Mom got out a frozen pizza and dad had to work at the sock factory. The police even raided my older brother's garden that he was growing in his room. But it was still Thanksgiving and I was grateful for so many things:
the purplish gray rash on the side of Uncle Herman's face seemed to be fadingthat squirrel I'd locked away in a box in my closet had stopped moving and keeping me up at nightmy teacher had recently stopped crossing herself every time she walked by my deskYeah, I remember that Thanksgiving Monday like it was yesterday. We might have been eating pizza but mom had all the candy corn pumpkins you could eat. I got in trouble because I bit off all the green stems.
That's the only part I like.
Thanksgiving is on a Thursday this year . . . eh.
Not that it was all that great a Thanksgiving, as Thanksgivings go. Mom got out a frozen pizza and dad had to work at the sock factory. The police even raided my older brother's garden that he was growing in his room. But it was still Thanksgiving and I was grateful for so many things:
the purplish gray rash on the side of Uncle Herman's face seemed to be fadingthat squirrel I'd locked away in a box in my closet had stopped moving and keeping me up at nightmy teacher had recently stopped crossing herself every time she walked by my deskYeah, I remember that Thanksgiving Monday like it was yesterday. We might have been eating pizza but mom had all the candy corn pumpkins you could eat. I got in trouble because I bit off all the green stems.
That's the only part I like.
Thanksgiving is on a Thursday this year . . . eh.
November 24, 2014
Daily Ambivalence - if I had a Brummie accent
From what I hear, you have a Brummie accent if you come from Birmingham, which is a city somewhere in England.
I've always wanted to have an English accent because maybe then people would think I was smart or interesting. Trouble is, I hear if you're going to spontaneously adopt a new accent, Brummie is not a good choice.
Which is too bad because the word Brummie sounds so Brittsh and I like to say it with every bit of affectation available inside my mouth.
Brummie. Brummie. Brummie.
Imagine that the sound of my voice as I say this is a sweet mix of Charles Dickens' Oliver asking for more and Dick Van Dyke on his way to what should have been an Oscar nomination. That's what it sounds like when I say Brummie.
Top of the mornin', Govna. And all that rot. Excuse me while I pop on the tele and watch some BBC.
If I had a Brummie accent . . . eh.
I've always wanted to have an English accent because maybe then people would think I was smart or interesting. Trouble is, I hear if you're going to spontaneously adopt a new accent, Brummie is not a good choice.
Which is too bad because the word Brummie sounds so Brittsh and I like to say it with every bit of affectation available inside my mouth.
Brummie. Brummie. Brummie.
Imagine that the sound of my voice as I say this is a sweet mix of Charles Dickens' Oliver asking for more and Dick Van Dyke on his way to what should have been an Oscar nomination. That's what it sounds like when I say Brummie.
Top of the mornin', Govna. And all that rot. Excuse me while I pop on the tele and watch some BBC.
If I had a Brummie accent . . . eh.
November 20, 2014
Daily Ambivalence - boys don't paint their toenails
Toenail polish is part and parcel of any woman's make-up sack but guys typically come into contact with toenail polish only if they have a girlfriend and she wants to brand him without using irons that you stick in a fire.
I for one am grateful for toenail polish because I've heard that branding is quite painful. That and branding seems like it would be confusing as well. You see a guy with a Bar S or a Circle J branded on his shoulder and what exactly is that supposed to mean?
Boys don't paint their toenails . . . eh.
I for one am grateful for toenail polish because I've heard that branding is quite painful. That and branding seems like it would be confusing as well. You see a guy with a Bar S or a Circle J branded on his shoulder and what exactly is that supposed to mean?
Boys don't paint their toenails . . . eh.
November 18, 2014
Daily Ambivalence - three things to know before you die
Some people take it for granted that cats clean themselves and therefore have no need for cat shampoo, conditioner, or any of a string of vitalizing products.
The most amazing dog
in the world
In the pet store yesterday I noticed there are lots of hair products for dogs.
This is my dog Oakley.
Even though Oakley is a she, the shampoo we use is called Stud. If Oakley has a problem with that she has never said anything about it.
I think my cat Boris would definitely have a problem with a shampoo called Stud, even though Boris is a guy. But like I said, cats clean themselves.
All this brings me to the subject line above which is "three things to know before you die."
I had a friend who thought there were four things you need to know before you die but he died last week so I think he was wrong.
There are only three things you need to know before you die.
Three things to know before you die . . . eh.
The most amazing dogin the world
In the pet store yesterday I noticed there are lots of hair products for dogs.
This is my dog Oakley.
Even though Oakley is a she, the shampoo we use is called Stud. If Oakley has a problem with that she has never said anything about it.
I think my cat Boris would definitely have a problem with a shampoo called Stud, even though Boris is a guy. But like I said, cats clean themselves.
All this brings me to the subject line above which is "three things to know before you die."
I had a friend who thought there were four things you need to know before you die but he died last week so I think he was wrong.
There are only three things you need to know before you die.
Three things to know before you die . . . eh.
November 14, 2014
Daily Ambivalence - cuff links with a dose of cyanide in a hidden compartment
Cuff links look cool but I always wonder about one thing - does the guy just not like buttons?
A bit of history for you. Buttons were invented some time in the past. Before buttons people used twigs and pins and cuff links to secure garments or to avoid wardrobe malfunctions. Cuff link people are mired in the past, stuck using an archaic form of fastening.
I for one am glad buttons were invented. And I'm glad for many reasons.
Can you imagine playing the Xbox without buttons? Try pushing on a cuff link or even a collection of pins to get your warrior princess to jump across the Eternal Chasm and then stab the Red Orc. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start. No way you do that with cuff links.
I wonder if people who wear cuff links are even aware of the controversy?
One time I saw a spy show where the bad guy hid cyanide in a cuff link and he killed himself when he got caught. That was kind of cool, but if I remember right it was an old movie. Black and white even.
Cuff links with a dose of cyanide in a hidden compartment . . . eh.
A bit of history for you. Buttons were invented some time in the past. Before buttons people used twigs and pins and cuff links to secure garments or to avoid wardrobe malfunctions. Cuff link people are mired in the past, stuck using an archaic form of fastening.
I for one am glad buttons were invented. And I'm glad for many reasons.
Can you imagine playing the Xbox without buttons? Try pushing on a cuff link or even a collection of pins to get your warrior princess to jump across the Eternal Chasm and then stab the Red Orc. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start. No way you do that with cuff links.
I wonder if people who wear cuff links are even aware of the controversy?
One time I saw a spy show where the bad guy hid cyanide in a cuff link and he killed himself when he got caught. That was kind of cool, but if I remember right it was an old movie. Black and white even.
Cuff links with a dose of cyanide in a hidden compartment . . . eh.
