C.K. Edwards's Blog, page 11
March 4, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - the problem is, I've got three tickets to Paradise
Yeah, I've got three tickets to Paradise.
Jim wants to go with me, of course. So does Alice. And Ramon, Brad, Angelica, and Sophie are all pretending they're my best friends.
I hear Paradise is great but I know Jim would spend the whole time talking about that cousin of his in Nashville. Record deal. Great. Got it. Thanks, Jim. As for Alice, she does that twitchy thing with her eye and she clears her throat too much. I don't want to take either one of those guys.
Same goes for Ramon. He'd just play that game on his phone the whole time. And no way am I taking Brad. We'd have to listen to that boy band he likes the whole trip. Angelia is hot and all, but how can I ever forget that one time when she took the last fry. And I paid! The last fry! Who does that? Sophie would be fine but she's got that mole on the side of her nose. The paradise guys might not even let her in. I mean, who wants to stare at that if you're in paradise?
I don't know, it's just paradise. Maybe I'll stay home this weekend and do a Harry Potter marathon.
The problem is, I've got three tickets to Paradise . . . eh.
Jim wants to go with me, of course. So does Alice. And Ramon, Brad, Angelica, and Sophie are all pretending they're my best friends.
I hear Paradise is great but I know Jim would spend the whole time talking about that cousin of his in Nashville. Record deal. Great. Got it. Thanks, Jim. As for Alice, she does that twitchy thing with her eye and she clears her throat too much. I don't want to take either one of those guys.
Same goes for Ramon. He'd just play that game on his phone the whole time. And no way am I taking Brad. We'd have to listen to that boy band he likes the whole trip. Angelia is hot and all, but how can I ever forget that one time when she took the last fry. And I paid! The last fry! Who does that? Sophie would be fine but she's got that mole on the side of her nose. The paradise guys might not even let her in. I mean, who wants to stare at that if you're in paradise?
I don't know, it's just paradise. Maybe I'll stay home this weekend and do a Harry Potter marathon.
The problem is, I've got three tickets to Paradise . . . eh.
March 2, 2015
That dream about an epic fantasy quest
There was that dream where I was trying to complete an epic fantasy quest, and so there I was walking on that dusty road with my trusty friends who like me were also once farmers before we found out it was our destiny to save the world, only I was a little depressed because somehow I knew this was only book two in a seven book series and that was a long time and I was already sick of mutton and cheese and nobody seemed to cook with curry around here, so I wondered what the Dark Lord was having for dinner right then and if he would just invite me over tonight for a taste of real food maybe I'd end this whole thing right now and go back to farming.
February 27, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - Aliens was better than Alien, but Alienss and Aliensss sucked
The last two movies in the series might not have been called Alienss and Aliensss. I forget. I wasn't involved in the making of either movie. I don't even live in Hollywood.
I did see Jopseph Gordon-Levitt once on the freeway though. He was driving a Toyota Celica, which I assumed was stolen. Obviously. I mean, can you imagine Joseph Gordon-Leavitt going to a Toyota dealer and saying "I'll take that one?"
Why Joseph Gordon-Leavitt would steal a car is beyond me. You can't even sell a Celica for parts.
My best friend in high school owned a Celica. His name was Joseph too. I remember the day we found out that Celicas don't drift well. At least, not when you have eleven people in the car playing MMA. No, that car didn't drift at all. At least, that's what Joseph said. I was stuffed on the floor on the passenger's side.
It would have been nice if iPads were invented back then. I would have watched a movie there on the floor. Probably Aliens.
Aliens was better than Alien, but Alienss and Aliensss sucked . . . eh.
I did see Jopseph Gordon-Levitt once on the freeway though. He was driving a Toyota Celica, which I assumed was stolen. Obviously. I mean, can you imagine Joseph Gordon-Leavitt going to a Toyota dealer and saying "I'll take that one?"
Why Joseph Gordon-Leavitt would steal a car is beyond me. You can't even sell a Celica for parts.
My best friend in high school owned a Celica. His name was Joseph too. I remember the day we found out that Celicas don't drift well. At least, not when you have eleven people in the car playing MMA. No, that car didn't drift at all. At least, that's what Joseph said. I was stuffed on the floor on the passenger's side.
It would have been nice if iPads were invented back then. I would have watched a movie there on the floor. Probably Aliens.
Aliens was better than Alien, but Alienss and Aliensss sucked . . . eh.
February 25, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - there's a peanut on the floor in the men's bathroom
Yeah, I'm not kidding. There's a peanut on the floor in the men's bathroom.
I have a friend who is an bit of a nut-job when it comes to food and cleanliness. You breathe in the direction of a sandwich she's eating and it's yours. Which basically means that if I ate that peanut on the floor of the men's bathroom and then told her what I did it would break her mind.
Not that this is automatically a good thing, and of course there are other factors to consider.
What kind of communicable diseases can you catch from a peanut that's been on the floor of a bathroom for an undetermined amount of time? You know, there's that saying that most bathroom floors are cleaner than your kitchen table.
I believe that, but probably not enough to test it.
Still, it would be great to break someone's mind. You know, kind of bucket list thing.
There's a peanut on the floor in the men's bathroom . . . eh.
I have a friend who is an bit of a nut-job when it comes to food and cleanliness. You breathe in the direction of a sandwich she's eating and it's yours. Which basically means that if I ate that peanut on the floor of the men's bathroom and then told her what I did it would break her mind.
Not that this is automatically a good thing, and of course there are other factors to consider.
What kind of communicable diseases can you catch from a peanut that's been on the floor of a bathroom for an undetermined amount of time? You know, there's that saying that most bathroom floors are cleaner than your kitchen table.
I believe that, but probably not enough to test it.
Still, it would be great to break someone's mind. You know, kind of bucket list thing.
There's a peanut on the floor in the men's bathroom . . . eh.
February 23, 2015
That dream about the construction worker's toolbelt
There was that dream where a construction worker was bragging about his tool belt but the only people who would listen to him were some Japanese tourists who had just gotten off a bus and my first thought was that I hope this post doesn't sink into some Japanese cliche, but then there he was, Godzilla jumping up and down on buildings and I remember the first Godzilla movie I saw as a kid when Godzilla fought King Kong and Godzilla was kind of a jerk back then, but this time I didn't mind him so much because the only buildings he jumped on were chick restaurants like Zuppas and Kneaders.
February 20, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - accordion players in Mexico
Maybe you don't listen to Mexican music on the radio, and neither do I, but accordion players in Mexico all live in palaces and have harems.
No, it's true. You want girls in Mexico? Whip out an accordion.
You ever heard Stairway to Heaven played on an accordion? Neither have I. But it's freakin' huge in Mexico.
Strange how other countries can appreciate such different sounds. You play an accordion in the U.S. and you don't get beat up just by the school bully. Melvin the nerd joins him. You play an accordion in Mexico and you're a rock god.
I think I need to broaden my horizons and learn more about other strange, exotic countries in the world. You know, find out what instruments influence their music.
Like Canada. Does anybody know what Canadian music sounds like?
Accordion players in Mexico . . . eh.
No, it's true. You want girls in Mexico? Whip out an accordion.
You ever heard Stairway to Heaven played on an accordion? Neither have I. But it's freakin' huge in Mexico.
Strange how other countries can appreciate such different sounds. You play an accordion in the U.S. and you don't get beat up just by the school bully. Melvin the nerd joins him. You play an accordion in Mexico and you're a rock god.
I think I need to broaden my horizons and learn more about other strange, exotic countries in the world. You know, find out what instruments influence their music.
Like Canada. Does anybody know what Canadian music sounds like?
Accordion players in Mexico . . . eh.
February 18, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - my car is somewhere in that parking garage
It's not like my car ran away and I'm taping up missing car posters. I parked it over there in the parking garage for some reason. But was it B-13 or G-8?
I wish I hadn't played Battleship with that mime in the park a couple hours ago.
Geeze. I lost to a mime and now I can't find my car.
I should go find that mime. Maybe he knows where my car is.
My car is somewhere in that parking garage . . . eh.
I wish I hadn't played Battleship with that mime in the park a couple hours ago.
Geeze. I lost to a mime and now I can't find my car.
I should go find that mime. Maybe he knows where my car is.
My car is somewhere in that parking garage . . . eh.
February 16, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - Frankenstein's abnormal brain
You ever wonder who the guy was that labeled Frankenstein's brain as abnormal?
What system of measurement did he use? Was it Brickman's Thalamic Orlab Pysiology? The Shirkstain Braid Test?
I wish Mary Shelley had specified. Some brains get labeled abnormal simply because they have an overlarge basal ganglia. I doubt if the townsfolk near the castle took that into consideration when they burned the windmill.
Too bad. Some people think a huge basal ganglia actually equates to going big with Christmas decorations during the holidays. I mean, how cool would it have been to have Frankenstein's pimped out Christmas house in your neighborhood? YouTube would go crazy every year.
Frankenstein's abnormal brain . . . eh
What system of measurement did he use? Was it Brickman's Thalamic Orlab Pysiology? The Shirkstain Braid Test?
I wish Mary Shelley had specified. Some brains get labeled abnormal simply because they have an overlarge basal ganglia. I doubt if the townsfolk near the castle took that into consideration when they burned the windmill.
Too bad. Some people think a huge basal ganglia actually equates to going big with Christmas decorations during the holidays. I mean, how cool would it have been to have Frankenstein's pimped out Christmas house in your neighborhood? YouTube would go crazy every year.
Frankenstein's abnormal brain . . . eh
February 13, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - my fortune teller said that someone I know is going to be sick soon
I wonder how you even make a crystal ball?
Or maybe you don't make crystal balls. Do you mine them?
I've noticed that crystal balls come in all sizes but not all shapes. Because they're balls, I suppose.
My fortune teller's crystal ball is bigger than a basketball, which is too big in my opinion, but she says it told her that someone I know is going to get sick soon. She was emphatic about that.
I'd love to discount the power of that crystal ball, but I'm pretty sure I heard my neighbor complaining about a rosacea flare up the other day.
Wow, that crystal ball is amazing.
My fortune teller said that someone I know is going to be sick soon . . . eh.
Or maybe you don't make crystal balls. Do you mine them?
I've noticed that crystal balls come in all sizes but not all shapes. Because they're balls, I suppose.
My fortune teller's crystal ball is bigger than a basketball, which is too big in my opinion, but she says it told her that someone I know is going to get sick soon. She was emphatic about that.
I'd love to discount the power of that crystal ball, but I'm pretty sure I heard my neighbor complaining about a rosacea flare up the other day.
Wow, that crystal ball is amazing.
My fortune teller said that someone I know is going to be sick soon . . . eh.
February 11, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - if you ever get stuck on a ski lift
If you've never skied, let me tell you that getting stuck on a ski lift is not an occurrence outside the realm of possibility.
Sometimes you'll be on a ski lift and it will just stop. Maybe someone getting on the lift at the bottom fell down and the guy running the lift hit a button so the person could get up and get back on the chair, even though what they wish the lift guy would do is shoot them in the head because everyone else is staring at them.
But you up there on the lift. No one is staring at you. You're alone. It's you against Nature and all you have is your wits and your courage, while Nature has wind and cold and snow and freezing rain and earthquakes and volcanoes with lava and chain lighting.
Wow, you're totally screwed up there.
If you ever get stuck on a ski lift . . . eh.
Sometimes you'll be on a ski lift and it will just stop. Maybe someone getting on the lift at the bottom fell down and the guy running the lift hit a button so the person could get up and get back on the chair, even though what they wish the lift guy would do is shoot them in the head because everyone else is staring at them.
But you up there on the lift. No one is staring at you. You're alone. It's you against Nature and all you have is your wits and your courage, while Nature has wind and cold and snow and freezing rain and earthquakes and volcanoes with lava and chain lighting.
Wow, you're totally screwed up there.
If you ever get stuck on a ski lift . . . eh.
