C.K. Edwards's Blog, page 13
January 19, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - there are a wide variety of cancers
Wow, this post is starting out kind of dark.
But you can't deny it. There are a tremendous number of cancers, just like there is an impressive diversity in the apple population.
Don't take my word for it. Go online, look it up. There are dozens and dozens of varieties of apples.
But you're already online, aren't you?
Hey, here's an idea. Since you're online looking at apples, go ahead and choose a variety you haven't tried before and order a case. It will show up at your door in a few days. Won't that be a nice? If you want, you can even drive by my house and give me a couple apples. We'll eat them on my porch.
Boy, this post turned out much happier than I thought it would.
Though there's still that cancer thing.
There are a wide variety of cancers . . . eh.
But you can't deny it. There are a tremendous number of cancers, just like there is an impressive diversity in the apple population.
Don't take my word for it. Go online, look it up. There are dozens and dozens of varieties of apples.
But you're already online, aren't you?
Hey, here's an idea. Since you're online looking at apples, go ahead and choose a variety you haven't tried before and order a case. It will show up at your door in a few days. Won't that be a nice? If you want, you can even drive by my house and give me a couple apples. We'll eat them on my porch.
Boy, this post turned out much happier than I thought it would.
Though there's still that cancer thing.
There are a wide variety of cancers . . . eh.
January 16, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - folding chairs
Some people think the golden age of cartoons had to be in the late 70s or early 80s when you had such classics as Scooby Doo and Lonestar.
You remember Lonestar. He was that Native American sheriff on a western world somewhere in space that . . . actually that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it? If Lonestar was from another planet, he'd be a Native Something Else sheriff. And while I'm being nitpicky, that talking horse of his, I swear I can remember him shooting a space gun even though all he had was hooves. How do you shoot a space gun without fingers or opposable thumbs?
At least Scooby Doo made sense. Two boys and two girls who lived together in a van but weren't sexually attracted to each other and who traveled across the country with their talking dog solving basically the same crime over and over again and somehow the bad guy always said the same thing as the police took him away.
I have a friend who thinks cartoons from the late 70s and early 80s suck. But she grew up poor, which probably means her parents couldn't afford proper furniture, just folding chairs. Now it just stands to reason you can't watch cartoons sitting on a folding chair. It's impossible to lounge in a folding chair and cartoons can only be appreciated when you are lounging.
This supposed "friend" of mine maintains that most cartoons are a waste of time. She says, and I quote, "cartoons eat your brain." For her, the only proper thing to watch on television is a documentary or independent film.
What an idiot.
Folding chairs . . . eh.
You remember Lonestar. He was that Native American sheriff on a western world somewhere in space that . . . actually that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it? If Lonestar was from another planet, he'd be a Native Something Else sheriff. And while I'm being nitpicky, that talking horse of his, I swear I can remember him shooting a space gun even though all he had was hooves. How do you shoot a space gun without fingers or opposable thumbs?
At least Scooby Doo made sense. Two boys and two girls who lived together in a van but weren't sexually attracted to each other and who traveled across the country with their talking dog solving basically the same crime over and over again and somehow the bad guy always said the same thing as the police took him away.
I have a friend who thinks cartoons from the late 70s and early 80s suck. But she grew up poor, which probably means her parents couldn't afford proper furniture, just folding chairs. Now it just stands to reason you can't watch cartoons sitting on a folding chair. It's impossible to lounge in a folding chair and cartoons can only be appreciated when you are lounging.
This supposed "friend" of mine maintains that most cartoons are a waste of time. She says, and I quote, "cartoons eat your brain." For her, the only proper thing to watch on television is a documentary or independent film.
What an idiot.
Folding chairs . . . eh.
January 14, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - the doorman outside my building didn't great me with enthusiasm today
The doorman outside my building didn't great me with enthusiasm today.
I can't figure it out. You'd think a guy with such a snazzy uniform would be happy all the time. I guess that just goes to show that good tailoring can solve only so many of the world's problems.
It does make me wonder what got what's-his-name down today. Not that anything would be a valid excuse for his behavior. The guy's job is to be a ray of sunshine when people like me enter or exit the building. Someone told me once that he's been doing it for thirty years.
I hate to do it, but I'm going to see about getting whatever his name is fired. I'm kind of a stickler when it comes to things like courtesy and kindness.
The doorman outside my building didn't great me with enthusiasm today . . . eh.
I can't figure it out. You'd think a guy with such a snazzy uniform would be happy all the time. I guess that just goes to show that good tailoring can solve only so many of the world's problems.
It does make me wonder what got what's-his-name down today. Not that anything would be a valid excuse for his behavior. The guy's job is to be a ray of sunshine when people like me enter or exit the building. Someone told me once that he's been doing it for thirty years.
I hate to do it, but I'm going to see about getting whatever his name is fired. I'm kind of a stickler when it comes to things like courtesy and kindness.
The doorman outside my building didn't great me with enthusiasm today . . . eh.
January 12, 2015
There was that dream about hiking in the mountains east of Milford, Utah
There was that dream where I was hiking in the mountains east of Milford, Utah and there were lots of lizards but I couldn't catch any of them because their tails would come off and that seems like a poor defense mechanism, especially if it's a teenage lizard and prom is the following weekend and the little guy has already asked a girl lizard and he picked out the boutonniere just that day so he can't back out, but now he doesn't have a tail and I don't know much about lizard society but I suspect being tailless is embarrassing, but what do I care about a lizard and whether or not he get his first kiss, only I'm a hopeless romantic and I do care about the upcoming lizard prom and if that tailless lizard asked to borrow my car for the dance I would say yes but he probably won't because he ran under that rock over there.
January 9, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - video tape rewinders
Kids nowadays don't even know what a video tape rewinder is.
Me, I can hear the sound of a rewinder as I write this, how it always started low and in control and then in the end was so frantic. It was like waiting for a bomb you wanted to go off.
It occurs to me that movies aren't as good these days, and I think one of the reasons is we don't have to use video tape rewinders anymore. Back in the day, rewinders performed the useful service of being a discriminator when it came to what people watched. You pull a video tape out of its cover and find it isn't rewound? Only the best moves didn't get put back in the cover.
For instance, last night I watched Mrs. Doubtfire.
I think that pretty much says it all.
Video tape rewinders . . . eh.
Me, I can hear the sound of a rewinder as I write this, how it always started low and in control and then in the end was so frantic. It was like waiting for a bomb you wanted to go off.
It occurs to me that movies aren't as good these days, and I think one of the reasons is we don't have to use video tape rewinders anymore. Back in the day, rewinders performed the useful service of being a discriminator when it came to what people watched. You pull a video tape out of its cover and find it isn't rewound? Only the best moves didn't get put back in the cover.
For instance, last night I watched Mrs. Doubtfire.
I think that pretty much says it all.
Video tape rewinders . . . eh.
January 7, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - gentleman with a whipcow
I can only give up one seat.
That's the thought that crosses my mind as I stand on the train today after having given my seat to a lady.
But there's another lady next to me and right over there is that guy with a whipcow and he isn't getting up.
If I had a moderately cool super power like making people get out of their seat with the force of wind power or maybe a magic lock of hair from Gwyneth Paltrow I would totally make whipcow guy get up right now.
Be dangerous though. I've heard that absolute power corrupts absolutely. I could become as bad as that guy with a whipcow.
I have but one seat to give.
And maybe half-a-stick of gum. I'll have to check my pocket.
Gentleman with a whipcow . . . eh.
That's the thought that crosses my mind as I stand on the train today after having given my seat to a lady.
But there's another lady next to me and right over there is that guy with a whipcow and he isn't getting up.
If I had a moderately cool super power like making people get out of their seat with the force of wind power or maybe a magic lock of hair from Gwyneth Paltrow I would totally make whipcow guy get up right now.
Be dangerous though. I've heard that absolute power corrupts absolutely. I could become as bad as that guy with a whipcow.
I have but one seat to give.
And maybe half-a-stick of gum. I'll have to check my pocket.
Gentleman with a whipcow . . . eh.
January 5, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - friendly fire
I like to sleep with a pillow between my legs.
If I don't have a pillow between my legs I don't sleep well at all.
In the winter time sometimes I think it would be great if the pillow was warm, but I've learned that you shouldn't be fooled by any kind of fire that looks friendly.
Like a campfire, for instance.
What could seem more friendly than a campfire in the woods, its warm glow casting back the darkness and there you are with your family or a bunch of Scouts?
Fire is stupid. Play kissy-face with it all you want. It'll still cause severe burns if you ignite a pillow and stick it between your legs. Not all that friendly. No sir, not at all.
Friendly fire . . . eh.
If I don't have a pillow between my legs I don't sleep well at all.
In the winter time sometimes I think it would be great if the pillow was warm, but I've learned that you shouldn't be fooled by any kind of fire that looks friendly.
Like a campfire, for instance.
What could seem more friendly than a campfire in the woods, its warm glow casting back the darkness and there you are with your family or a bunch of Scouts?
Fire is stupid. Play kissy-face with it all you want. It'll still cause severe burns if you ignite a pillow and stick it between your legs. Not all that friendly. No sir, not at all.
Friendly fire . . . eh.
January 2, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - there's that dishwasher soap lid
There's that dishwasher soap lid with the broken spring that doesn't allow it to flip open during the second cycle of the wash. It's just a useless lid now, hanging there like a scab stuck on a sliver of skin. The smart thing to do would be call a repairman. Probably.
Yeah, probably that's the smart thing, but it occurs to me that inventing a blanket with a built-in refrigerator that's also super intelligent and can earn extra cash working for a local start-up company as a network administrator would be even smarter.
My wife wants me to call the repairman but I like this blanket idea. My wife will thank me later.
There's that dishwasher soap lid . . . eh.
Yeah, probably that's the smart thing, but it occurs to me that inventing a blanket with a built-in refrigerator that's also super intelligent and can earn extra cash working for a local start-up company as a network administrator would be even smarter.
My wife wants me to call the repairman but I like this blanket idea. My wife will thank me later.
There's that dishwasher soap lid . . . eh.
December 31, 2014
Daily Ambivalence - ring out the old
Tonight everyone's going to stay up until twelve to ring out the old year and then ring in the new year. These hopeful people will look to the new year to bring them all the things they wanted to get this year but didn't because Costco ran out of them.
The approaching new year is often represented in the media as a baby and the year ending is represented as an old man with a beard. I guess because babies are good and old men are fairly bad.
I just wonder why we don't spend a little more time considering how the old man did? Maybe he did a pretty good job. I mean, what if the baby is a brat who refuses to live on a budget and leaves the toilet seat up?
With modern medicine these days being old doesn't mean you can only be defined as having one foot in the grave. Old people live into their sixties. Even seventies, I think. I'm just saying it might be wise to take a look at the old man before you throw him out.
I'm just kidding. This year sucked.
Ring out the old . . . eh.
The approaching new year is often represented in the media as a baby and the year ending is represented as an old man with a beard. I guess because babies are good and old men are fairly bad.
I just wonder why we don't spend a little more time considering how the old man did? Maybe he did a pretty good job. I mean, what if the baby is a brat who refuses to live on a budget and leaves the toilet seat up?
With modern medicine these days being old doesn't mean you can only be defined as having one foot in the grave. Old people live into their sixties. Even seventies, I think. I'm just saying it might be wise to take a look at the old man before you throw him out.
I'm just kidding. This year sucked.
Ring out the old . . . eh.
December 29, 2014
Daily Ambivalence - Captain America's broken shield in the last Avenger's trailer
I've broken lots of things in my life.
When I was a kid I used to break things all the time. Less so now. I've learned to not touch stuff so much. Because, you know, it's the touching that starts it all.
I don't think I've ever broken anything that I didn't touch. Unless you count that time with the boomerang. Or that other time with the kazoo at the museum.
Anyways, I guess you can't fault Captain America for breaking his shield in the last Avenger's trailer. It is, after all, his shield. So of course he can touch it.
And maybe that's not even Captain America's real shield in the movie trailer. Maybe Captain America was fighting the bad guy near a Toys R Us and they blew the place up. You been to a Toys R Us lately? There's Captain America shields everywhere, and they're just made of plastic.
What with product placement in movies these days, I'll bet that's what you actually saw in the trailer. SPOILER ALERT. That probably means Ultron's lair is under a toy store.
Captain America's broken shield in the last Avenger's trailer . . . eh.
When I was a kid I used to break things all the time. Less so now. I've learned to not touch stuff so much. Because, you know, it's the touching that starts it all.
I don't think I've ever broken anything that I didn't touch. Unless you count that time with the boomerang. Or that other time with the kazoo at the museum.
Anyways, I guess you can't fault Captain America for breaking his shield in the last Avenger's trailer. It is, after all, his shield. So of course he can touch it.
And maybe that's not even Captain America's real shield in the movie trailer. Maybe Captain America was fighting the bad guy near a Toys R Us and they blew the place up. You been to a Toys R Us lately? There's Captain America shields everywhere, and they're just made of plastic.
What with product placement in movies these days, I'll bet that's what you actually saw in the trailer. SPOILER ALERT. That probably means Ultron's lair is under a toy store.
Captain America's broken shield in the last Avenger's trailer . . . eh.
