C.K. Edwards's Blog, page 14

Daily Ambivalence - only 364 days until Christmas

Statements like that used to fill me with gloom but as I grow older the days seem to blink by.

I've heard different theories as to why time hastens when you age. For me, I think it's because of all the days I stay in bed with a pillow over my head. Sometimes I don't wake up for weeks on end.

Whatever the reason, I'm getting older and so now when I say to myself that Christmas is 364 days away, I . . .

No, that's still pretty depressing.

Only 354 days until Christmas . . . eh.

Daily Ambivalence - I've got to watch thirty-seven Christmas movies this week

No Christmas would be complete without watching that movie where Cousin Eddie says the sh@%#er's full.

And I love Red Ryder BB Guns. Syrup on spaghetti too. Classic stuff.

And maybe I'm still waiting for the perfect iteration of Christmas Carol to be made, even though there are dozens, but Scrooge taking his heart out of the ice box is a must.

If I don't hear Boris Karloff narrate the Grinch or Bing Crosby croon about snow that is a total fail.

Three stop-animation films featuring Rudolph is an absolute minimum, and Jack Skellington's incursion can't be missed.

But this December has been really busy so far.

I just counted everything up and I've got to watch thirty-seven Christmas movies this week.

This is going to suck.

 I've got to watch thirty-seven Christmas movies this week . . . eh.

Christmas story reading/2014

Merry Christmas.

I hope the holidays are working out for you this year. If you have time in this busy week, here is a reading of a Christmas story I wrote for friends and neighbors a few years ago. Enjoy.

There was that dream about Cousin Eddie

There was that dream where I was wearing Cousin Eddie's dickie at a Christmas party and the two skinny children from the Christmas Carol were hiding underneath the buffet table and I knew I was supposed to be afraid of Want and that I should fear Ignorance even more but I just caught each of them by the ear and made them eat a whole plate of mac 'n cheese  and a few other things and those kids turned out to be kind of nice.

Ignorance went nuts over the creamed corn.

Daily Ambivalence - getting off Santa's naughty list is hard

Getting off Santa's naughty list is hard. I've tried bribing elves, writing letters to the President of the United States, eating candy, changing my identity, even stocking premium reindeer feed and spreading it on the lawn at night. None of it works.

I got a letter back from the President, which was cool, but he wasn't much help. The letter just said:

"Suck it, loser!"

I didn't really thinking eating candy would do anything but I like candy.

Maybe there's nothing you can do to get off Santa's naughty list. Once you're on you're just plain on.

It's a conundrum.

Getting off Santa's naughty list is hard . . . eh.

That dream about the tarantula

There was that dream where I bought my wife a tarantula for Christmas and the salesman seemed to think it was a good idea and in the dream the tarantula wasn't hairy like most tarantulas are but more kind of furry like Snuffleupagus and who doesn't like Sesame Street so I figured, yeah, a tarantula was a great idea but on Christmas morning the tarantula had escaped from its box but I didn't want my wife to be sad so I assured her that her pet tarantula was somewhere in the house and we only had two more years before we paid off the mortgage but my wife made us move anyway.

Daily Ambivalence - that lady at the cash register doesn't seem to have the Christmas spirit

I haven't gotten up to the lady at the cash register yet, still twenty shoppers in front of me, but I have gotta say that she just doesn't seem to have the Christmas spirit. She isn't smiling, and when she moves it doesn't look at all like she could break into a song any moment, or a dance, or and song and a dance.

Now I'm not a judgmental person normally but that lady is bringing me down. What a hum bug. She obviously doesn't care that Santa Claus will be coming just a few short nights from now. She'll probably deserve that lump of coal that's coming. And you know what? I don't even feel sorry for her. What gives her the right to be such a buzzkill?

Oh, good, just nineteen more shoppers in front of me. I'm going to give that lady a piece of my mind. It's December and she needs to be more jolly.

That lady at the cash register doesn't seem to have the Christmas spirit . . . eh.

There was that dream about Christmas day

There was that dream where I woke up and I'd been transported back in time to that Christmas morning when Uncle Bradford went off his meds again and he got confused about what we were celebrating and he jumped out of a cake mom had made and he started singing happy birthday in a low, sultry voice and I couldn't get over how he'd fit in that little cake but who am I to say what you can or can't do when you put your mind to it and mom was upset because the cake was ruined but I told her to have faith that the Grinch's heart would grow and break the x-ray machine but the Grinch never came. Thanks a lot Jim Carrey.

Daily Ambivalence - I'm not going to switch out that bulb on the Christmas tree

C'mon, there's probably 200 lights on that Christmas tree. Maybe more.

My wife wants me to fix one bulb but what does it matter? 1 out of 200.

No, 500 I'll bet. 1 out of 500 lights. Maybe even a 1,000.

This is one of the reasons Christmas bugs me sometimes. You've got all these heightened expectations. Every dinner, every party, every polite exchange, every song, every waking moment of every day assigned an expectation that no normal human could ever realize.

So, yeah, I'm not going to switch out that bulb.

If I change that bulb my wife might actually expect me to attend a dinner or a party or make polite exchanges or sing songs when I'm awake. No way man.

 I'm not going to switch out that bulb on the Christmas tree . . . eh.

Christmas story/last year

Here is my reading of last year's Christmas story. Thought I'd throw it out again. If you missed it last year give it a try.

Tonight I will work on another another Christmas story from the past and probably have that out for you to hear in a couple days. Look for that.