C.K. Edwards's Blog, page 12
February 9, 2015
That dream about rock and roll
There was that dream where I was driving to class and I was pretty excited because it was a course on my favorite band, Self, but I couldn't find a place in the hallway to park where I wouldn't also get a ticket, and who needs a class about your favorite band anyway because rock and roll is all about freedom, only Self is more like synth pop so I parked in front of English 110 and when I got my ticket later that day it wasn't a monetary fine but an assignment to diagram ten sentences and write an essay on Edmund Spenser's contribution to free verse poetry.
February 6, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - you should put bacon on it
You know that chef guy with the cooking show? The one where "you should put bacon on it" is his catch phrase?
Last year, I took it as a personal challenge to disprove this silly catch phrase. In my opinion, all people who make blanket statements of any kind are idiots.
I mean, the idea that you can fix anything just by putting bacon on it is preposterous.
Case in point. A few weeks ago I was about to drive to my phrenologist but I was having a heck of time scraping the ice off my windshield. It hit me then - put bacon on it! Catch phrase disproved.
Problem is the ice came right off. My car has worked better since then too.
Rotten bastard. I'll find a hole in that chef's catch phrase yet.
You should put bacon on it . . . eh.
Last year, I took it as a personal challenge to disprove this silly catch phrase. In my opinion, all people who make blanket statements of any kind are idiots.
I mean, the idea that you can fix anything just by putting bacon on it is preposterous.
Case in point. A few weeks ago I was about to drive to my phrenologist but I was having a heck of time scraping the ice off my windshield. It hit me then - put bacon on it! Catch phrase disproved.
Problem is the ice came right off. My car has worked better since then too.
Rotten bastard. I'll find a hole in that chef's catch phrase yet.
You should put bacon on it . . . eh.
February 4, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - pyromania is frowned upon in warmer climates
Isn't it strange that gasoline should smell so good but you can't drink it?
Or, you can, but it doesn't taste good and you can only drink it in small quantities before it makes you sick.
Like all people, I can still remember my first campfire. I was four years old and all the important parts are as vivid in my mind as if it happened twenty minutes ago.
The book of matches was new. The cover was red and yellow and said Holliday In, Tucson. My dad wasn't a smoker so he didn't have much practice with the book matches. He ruined three before one caught. The flash of flame was brilliant. I could feel the image hit the back of my brain like it was a magnesium baseball.
Such happy childhood memories.
Pyromania is frowned upon in warmer climates . . . eh.
Or, you can, but it doesn't taste good and you can only drink it in small quantities before it makes you sick.
Like all people, I can still remember my first campfire. I was four years old and all the important parts are as vivid in my mind as if it happened twenty minutes ago.
The book of matches was new. The cover was red and yellow and said Holliday In, Tucson. My dad wasn't a smoker so he didn't have much practice with the book matches. He ruined three before one caught. The flash of flame was brilliant. I could feel the image hit the back of my brain like it was a magnesium baseball.
Such happy childhood memories.
Pyromania is frowned upon in warmer climates . . . eh.
February 2, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - I've never actually been to the Shire
Before you say anything, I know. I'm not stupid.
Bilbo died and Frodo went West and got a condo in Valinor. I know I wouldn't be able to hang with them if I went to the Shire. Still be cool though.
People are always talking about trips to Hawaii or Paris but no one ever seems to go to the Shire. In my opinion, that is a golden opportunity that travel agents just aren't exploiting.
I've never actually been to the Shire . . . eh.
Bilbo died and Frodo went West and got a condo in Valinor. I know I wouldn't be able to hang with them if I went to the Shire. Still be cool though.
People are always talking about trips to Hawaii or Paris but no one ever seems to go to the Shire. In my opinion, that is a golden opportunity that travel agents just aren't exploiting.
I've never actually been to the Shire . . . eh.
January 30, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - how many of us would recognize our severed foot?
I was asking myself that question this morning.
My friend Delia Giseppe went and saw a documentary at Sundance about a guy named Shannon who found a severed foot in a used grill he bought. The dude gets some publicity and starts capitalizing on the story and then another guy comes along and says "Hey, that's my foot!"
I haven't seen the documentary, but from the summary I guess there is a court battle, lots of fighting over ownership of the severed foot, lots of small-town politics, and even the violent murder of a Saimese cat. (I might have made up the part about the cat)
Of course, there are numerous discussion points one can take from this story.
The first, and most obvious, is - isn't Shannon a girl's name?
The second, and right behind, would have to be - once Shannon found the foot in the grill, did he ever actually use the grill?
And I suppose you could also throw in there that if your foot got cut off, would you recognize it a couple weeks later when a guy tried to sell it on QVC?
How many of us would recognize our severed foot? . . .eh.
My friend Delia Giseppe went and saw a documentary at Sundance about a guy named Shannon who found a severed foot in a used grill he bought. The dude gets some publicity and starts capitalizing on the story and then another guy comes along and says "Hey, that's my foot!"
I haven't seen the documentary, but from the summary I guess there is a court battle, lots of fighting over ownership of the severed foot, lots of small-town politics, and even the violent murder of a Saimese cat. (I might have made up the part about the cat)
Of course, there are numerous discussion points one can take from this story.
The first, and most obvious, is - isn't Shannon a girl's name?
The second, and right behind, would have to be - once Shannon found the foot in the grill, did he ever actually use the grill?
And I suppose you could also throw in there that if your foot got cut off, would you recognize it a couple weeks later when a guy tried to sell it on QVC?
How many of us would recognize our severed foot? . . .eh.
Daily Ambivalence - I wonder if there's much child labor involved in the mass production of peanut brittle
I go through peanut brittle phases where I just can't get enough of the stuff.
Crunchy yet airy hard candy. How can you not love that?
This question would be academic if I didn't actually know people who don't like peanut brittle.
What a puzzle. I'm convinced it can't be the taste. And that makes me fearful that child labor is the reason some people don't like peanut brittle. Maybe the people who don't like peanut brittle say that because they are conscientious objectors, even though they probably like peanut brittle as much as I do.
Which is silly. Those people could come to my house and eat some peanut brittle that I made instead of buying peanut brittle made in China.
I stopped using child labor a long time ago.
Depending on your definition of child labor, of course.
I wonder if there's much child labor involved in the mass production of peanut brittle . . . eh.
Crunchy yet airy hard candy. How can you not love that?
This question would be academic if I didn't actually know people who don't like peanut brittle.
What a puzzle. I'm convinced it can't be the taste. And that makes me fearful that child labor is the reason some people don't like peanut brittle. Maybe the people who don't like peanut brittle say that because they are conscientious objectors, even though they probably like peanut brittle as much as I do.
Which is silly. Those people could come to my house and eat some peanut brittle that I made instead of buying peanut brittle made in China.
I stopped using child labor a long time ago.
Depending on your definition of child labor, of course.
I wonder if there's much child labor involved in the mass production of peanut brittle . . . eh.
January 28, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - iPhones are interesting
I was waiting at the train stop the other day watching a spectacular sunset.
Sure, I watched it for a few minutes, but then I noticed this guy sitting next to me and he was looking at his iPhone. I leaned over to see what was so amazing but he wouldn't let me see the screen. He kept turning and edging away.
Now all I can think about is what must have been on that screen. For days now.
I started following the guy.
He lives in a small rambler in a cul-de-sac about ten miles from my house and he has either three or four children. If it's four, two of the girls look a lot alike.
It's driving me crazy. That really must have been something amazing that was on his phone for him to have not noticed the sunset. What could it have been?
The dude's never far from his iPhone though. Even at night, he never puts it on the night stand next to his bed. He curls up with it like it's an extra pillow. I wait there in the darkness for my chance but he never lets go of it.
I sure wish I could see what was on that iPhone.
iPhones are interesting . . . eh.
Sure, I watched it for a few minutes, but then I noticed this guy sitting next to me and he was looking at his iPhone. I leaned over to see what was so amazing but he wouldn't let me see the screen. He kept turning and edging away.
Now all I can think about is what must have been on that screen. For days now.
I started following the guy.
He lives in a small rambler in a cul-de-sac about ten miles from my house and he has either three or four children. If it's four, two of the girls look a lot alike.
It's driving me crazy. That really must have been something amazing that was on his phone for him to have not noticed the sunset. What could it have been?
The dude's never far from his iPhone though. Even at night, he never puts it on the night stand next to his bed. He curls up with it like it's an extra pillow. I wait there in the darkness for my chance but he never lets go of it.
I sure wish I could see what was on that iPhone.
iPhones are interesting . . . eh.
January 26, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - I started a low carb high protein diet today
I was making fun of my kids and my wife last week because they were on a low carb high protein diet and I was eating chips and dip. With a side of lard.
This weekend, somehow, they talked me into going on the diet with them. It was in the middle of Sunday dinner at grandma's, when I was at my weakest. Something about family togetherness. Unity. All that crap.
Now I'm writing this post breakfast, as in I ate breakfast ten minutes ago, and I'm already hungry.
How long does it take a full-grown man to die from hunger?
Is it lost on most people that most of the word "diet" is made up of "die?"
If you've enjoyed these posted attempts at humor the last year or so then I'm sorry. This could be the last one.
I'm going to go write my obituary.
I started a low carb high protein diet today . . . eh.
This weekend, somehow, they talked me into going on the diet with them. It was in the middle of Sunday dinner at grandma's, when I was at my weakest. Something about family togetherness. Unity. All that crap.
Now I'm writing this post breakfast, as in I ate breakfast ten minutes ago, and I'm already hungry.
How long does it take a full-grown man to die from hunger?
Is it lost on most people that most of the word "diet" is made up of "die?"
If you've enjoyed these posted attempts at humor the last year or so then I'm sorry. This could be the last one.
I'm going to go write my obituary.
I started a low carb high protein diet today . . . eh.
January 23, 2015
Daily Ambivalence - mutating the flu virus
I'm not all that afraid of the scientist out there who is working on the mutation of the flu virus that will one day escape and start the zombie apocalypse. He's just trying to make a living.
I don't know why, but as I've thought of this guy, I get the feeling that his name is probably Kevin.
Regardless, I don't have a problem with people doing the day-to-day grind, even if it does end up causing the end of the world. I would, however, like to make one suggestion to Kevin if he happens to read this blog.
It would make it easier for some of us survivors. With mutated mumps you're probably talking extremely swollen glands. Head shots would be a dream.
Mutating the flu virus . . . eh.
I don't know why, but as I've thought of this guy, I get the feeling that his name is probably Kevin.
Regardless, I don't have a problem with people doing the day-to-day grind, even if it does end up causing the end of the world. I would, however, like to make one suggestion to Kevin if he happens to read this blog.
Stop using the flu virus immediately and try your luck with the mumps.
It would make it easier for some of us survivors. With mutated mumps you're probably talking extremely swollen glands. Head shots would be a dream.
Mutating the flu virus . . . eh.
January 21, 2015
That Olympic dream
There was that dream where the Olympics was coming to town, though the Olympics turned out to be more like a traveling circus and the competitors were farm animals and my bookie called me about a sure thing and I have a terrible gambling habit so I bet my life savings on France to win but the animal from France turned out to be a lamprey eel, which isn't even a farm animal, but that didn't seem to disqualify it, and I know the Olympics is about more than just winning gold medals but where am I suppose to live now?
