Beth K. Vogt's Blog, page 7

Choosing Not to be Afraid of the Dark

I was afraid of the dark when I was a child.

Truth is, I was afraid of the dark when I was a 21-year-old newlywed. That was a bit of surprise to my husband.

I had both real and imaginary reasons to be afraid of the dark.  Make believe monsters are scary enough. The real-life ones? Those are harder to face, both in the dark and in the daylight.

As a child, I created elaborate rituals to protect myself when it came time to go to bed and to turn off the lights. I surrounded myself with a barricade of stuffed animals and backed myself against the wall.

A little comfort. No real protection.

I also dragged out my good nights with verbal mantras of “’Night. Love you. See you in the morning. Sleep tight. Sweet dreams,” as if my words wove some sort of magical defense through my room.

In my teen years, dealing with my fear of the dark was simpler: I just left the lights on. All night long.

As a mom, I didn’t want to pass my irrational fear of the dark on to my children. It was time to find my brave, even if I had to fake it for their sakes.

Sometimes we grow up not because we know how to, but because we know we need to … first for someone else, and then for ourselves.

This process seems out of order. We should value ourselves enough to do the hard thing, the needed thing. But we don’t. Maybe it’s because we’re comfortable in our normal, even if normal is hindering us.

Our fear isn’t harming anyone else, right? No one even knows how we walk hand-in-hand with fear because we cope so well, surrounding ourselves with grownup rituals and mantras. Sometimes we disguise them as prayers.

But fear limits us. Fear tells us we can’t. Fear tells us we shouldn’t. Because of my fear of the dark, I dealt with an undercurrent of anxiety every day of my life for years. The sun started to set and my fear ratcheted up.

Faking being brave only accomplishes so much.

Fear is the belief that someone or someone is dangerous – usually because of something that happened to us. This is my very unprofessional, non-medical definition of fear.

Darkness is just that – dark. There is nothing bad or evil about the darkness. God made both day and night – and he called both good. Do bad things happen at night? Yes. But bad things happen in the light of day, too.

Am I still afraid of the dark?

No, no, I’m not.

Walking in the light of freedom started with not wanting my children to be afraid. Then I realized I wanted to not be afraid – just for me.

I had to do the hard work of getting to the “why” of my fears. I had to walk back into the darkness of my abuse and drag it into the light. Allow reality to be as ugly as it was, while realizing God is bigger than what happened to me. Allow him to heal me. To gather up all the broken pieces and make me whole.

Choosing not to be Afraid of the Dark https://bit.ly/3dM5mKP #courage #choices
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'The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.' Quote by @BreneBrown https://bit.ly/3dM5mKP #darkness #light
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Choosing to Return to the Beginnings of Your Dream

@bethvogt

My goal was simple: Sort through a stack of papers that needed to be filed.

I never expected to return to the beginnings of a dream.

A white restaurant napkin scribbled on both sides with words written in black ink and protected by a plastic page protector was slipped among the workshop notes and conference brochures and book contracts and royalty statements.

A napkin full of notes represents the beginning of a dream?

Yes, yes, it does. Dreams can have peculiar beginnings.

I was that little girl who loved words and books and English assignments. Who dreamed of being a writer. But I didn’t dream of writing happily-ever-afters – maybe because, for a long season in my life, I didn’t believe in them.

When I embarked on the writing road in college, I chose journalism – nonfiction writing and editing. Years later, God used a season of burnout to transition me to writing fiction.

I had a lot to learn about writing novels. Any kind of dream, my friends, is hard work.

What does a white napkin filled with a bunch of scribbles have to do with my late-blooming dream of writing fiction?

I brought those notes back from my first fiction writers retreat, the product of a writing exercise where a bunch of wannabe-writers brainstormed our manuscripts’ opening sentences while we ate dinner.

Accomplishing that exercise? It was the first time I thought, “I can do this.”

Writing a good first sentence was hard. The thought of writing the entire novel scared me. I’d arrived that weekend with a 40-thousand-word manuscript. I went home and, based on the feedback I’d received, tore my story apart. My word count was smaller. My challenge loomed larger.

That flimsy white napkin reminded me I could do this.

Here I am, years later, a published author. To be honest, 2020 hasn’t been the easiest writing year for me. While I published my 13th book in May, I’ve wrestled with my writing dream. At times I’ve doubted it.

Finding the napkin among that sloppy pile of papers reminded me there’s no expiration date on the “it’s gonna’ be hard” clause when you pursue a dream. That I can do this writing gig, even if I’m not exactly sure how to do it today. I can take it one day at a time and do what I know to do now, while I pray and ponder over what to do next.

What about you? Does your dream seem too hard?

Find a way to go back to the beginnings of your dream. Remember some of the hard things you conquered way back then. Whatever you’re facing today, you can stare down the hard again. Give yourself time. And don’t be afraid to seek the encouragement of those you trust – those who’ve walked with you as you’ve pursued your dream.

Choosing to Return to the Beginnings of Your Dream https://bit.ly/3doUq5C #dreams #encouragement
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'When you have a dream that you can't let go of, trust your instincts and pursue it. But remember: Real dreams take work ...
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Enter the Fall into Reading Giveaway Featuring Authors Deborah Raney, Beth K. Vogt, and Becky Wade

@bethvogt

“Another fall, another turned page…” by Wallace Stegner (1909-1993), novelist

 

Are you enjoying the arrival of autumn and all various social media posts and quotes celebrating the seasons? Ones like:

“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.” L. M. Montgomery (1874-1942), novelist
“Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.” Albert Camus (1913-1960), author & journalist
“Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn.” Elizabeth Lawrence (1922-2000), actre\

 

I’m celebrating the season with two award-winning author friends, Deborah Raney and Becky Wade, with our “Fall into Reading” giveaway, highlighting the different sisters series we’ve written:

The Chandler Sisters Series by Deb Raney
The Thatcher Sisters Series by Beth K. Vogt
The Bradford Sisters Romance Series by Becky Wade

Enter the giveaway from October 5-12. We’re selecting 3 winners — 1 for each series. (Giveaway for U.S. residents only.) 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

Enter the 'Fall into Reading' Giveaway Oct 5-12 for a chance to win a #sisters book series by award-winning authors @deborahraney @beckywadewriter or @bethvogt! #giveaway #booklovers
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Choosing Kindness Over Being Right When It Comes to Politics

@bethvogt

People are talking about both of the who’s and all of the what ifs of the upcoming presidential election.

I’m not going to be one of those people. Not here on this blog. Not on any social media platform. And very rarely with family and friends.

There’s the oft-repeated saying, “Never talk about politics or religion in polite company.” Maybe it’s because too often all semblance of politeness disintegrates the longer any conversation about politics lasts.

At least, that’s been my experience.

Everyone has their opinions about politics. Drive through your neighborhood and you’ll see a variety of “Vote for (fill in the blank)” signs in front yards. I choose not to comment on political signs, and I also choose not to post signs in my front yard. While I have the freedom to do so, it’s a bit like joining the conversation for me, in a non-verbal way.

Not talking about politics doesn’t mean I don’t think about politics. Not talking about politics doesn’t mean I don’t care about the election or about my country.

Not talking about politics does mean I care about relationships more than convincing you about my political point of view – and yes, it also means I care about relationships more than listening to you convincing me about your political point of view.

I know some people enjoy a good debate. I applaud those who can stay within the boundaries of “friendly” and “healthy” and “respectful” and “two-sided” when it comes to discussing politics. But all too often, people consider a difference of opinion a personal affront and go about attacking and unfriending others, in both virtual and real ways.

Sigh.

The presidential election is in 34 days.

Everyone who can vote, should vote.

And no, I don’t want to know who you’re voting for and why.

One candidate is going to win. One candidate is going to lose.

Some of us will be happy with the results. Some of us won’t be.

We are not in control of any of the candidates or the outcome of the presidential election – except that we can and should vote.

Please, consider this: Besides voting, what we do we control during the next 34 days are our words and our actions.

 Maybe it’s time to remember another oft-repeated saying: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.” And that quote, my friends, is attributed to Thumper, the bunny rabbit in Walt Disney’s Bambi.

I’m not saying your opinions and your values don’t matter.

But I do believe kindness matters more – that our opinions and our values should be undergirded with compassion and gentleness.

Choosing Kindness Over Being Right When It Comes to Politics https://bit.ly/33fqjdo #perspective #bekind #2020election
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''It's better to be kind than to be right.' Quote by @ANNELAMOTT https://bit.ly/33fqjdo #kindness #2020election
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Keeping the Conversation Going about Suicide

@bethvogt

This isn’t the blog post I’d originally written for today.

Seven weeks have passed since my friend’s death by suicide. My sadness is sometimes a dull ache; at other times my heart breaks all over again.

Last night I realized September is National Suicide Awareness Month, also known as Suicide Prevention Month.

I couldn’t ignore the God-prompt to set aside my completely prepared post and talk with you about suicide prevention.

Families and friends separated from loved ones by suicide often wonder, “Why didn’t I know?” or “What more could I have done?” Suicide is a difficult issue because people who are suicidal often don’t talk freely about their struggles. Suicidal thoughts are a formidable foe that often shames and isolates people.

Do you know these statistics about suicide in the United States?

10th leading cause of death in the U.S.
In 2018, 48, 344 Americans died by suicide. There were an estimated 1.4 million suicide attempts.
On average, there are 132 suicides per day. Another way to look at this: On average, one person commits suicide every 16.2 minutes.
54% of Americans have been affected by suicide.

We often talk about how serious a person is about suicide based on whether a person has planned “how” or not. I discovered the recommendation that people struggling with suicidal thoughts develop a “suicide safety plan.”

“When you’re in a crisis situation, it’s not the time to figure out how you’re going to handle it,” said Jill Harkavy-Friedman, a clinical psychologist and vice president of research for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. “What a safety plan does is it helps you figure out beforehand a strategy for handling distress.”

Along with writing the plan with someone you trust and sharing copies of your plan with several people you trust – their names and contact information should be listed on your plan – the Suicide Prevention Resource Centers recommends using the list to identify your personal warning signals, such as:

Increased use of alcohol or drugs
Withdrawing or feeling isolated
Talking about being a burden
Extreme mood swings

Also include ways to distract yourself, including:

Exercising
Calling a friend
Meditating
Listening to music

Is a safe plan a guarantee against suicide? I wish it was, but no. Suicide and depression are linked, and the combination can increase the likelihood that a person struggles with shame and the inability to be completely honest.

What can we do? We can be available and trustworthy to the ones we love who are hurting. If we see warning signs of any kind, then we reach out. We listen. We pray. If the situation warrants, we offer to help them find professional counseling.

Suicide Lifeline:  If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at  800-273-TALK (8255)  any time of day or night or chat online.

 

Keeping the Conversation Going about Suicide https://bit.ly/3clvk7f #NationalSuicidePevention #hope
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'Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting any better.' Quote by Unknown https://bit.ly/3clvk7f #NationalSuicidePevention #honesty
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Sources:

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention https://afsp.org/

 USA Today https://buff.ly/2TZytQy

Choosing to Ignore Others’ Negativity About You

Have you ever been treated like someone’s personal fly paper?

Not sure what I’m talking about? I can explain.

Last week, my daughter, Christa, who is back at college, texted and said one of her friends wanted to “chat.”

Anybody else see an instant red flag when a friend says, “Can we chat?” but gives no hint as to what the topic might be?

Later, Christa texted to say the less than 30-minute conversation went well.

And then she added: She said some things she didn’t really have a place to say, but I’m not gonna’ let it stick to me. I’m just moving on.

Me: About you?

Christa: Yeah.

As we’re texting, I’m praying. Trying to restrain my Mama Bear. Let my adult daughter handle her relationship stuff.

Then I text Christa this: Don’t be anyone’s personal fly paper. Don’t let their junky stuff stick to you.

  Christa: I like that.

  Me: It just came to me.

 Christa: blog post quality content

 So now I’m sharing this truth with you: We don’t have to be anybody’s personal fly paper. Ever.

I saw fly paper once, hanging up on a relative’s back porch: a long strip of yellow paper with these dead flies all over it.

Effective, yes. But nasty.

Fly Paper 101: Fly paper is effective because flies have a strong sense of smell and the paper is coated with an attractant that is also sticky. The more flies struggle to get loose, the more they stick to the fly paper. Most fly papers on the market now are non-toxic, but in the past, they were coated with something poisonous to kill the flies more quickly.

We’re all in various relationships with other people. Family members. Friends. Romantic interests. Colleagues.

If we’re not careful, we allow someone’s offhand or intentional comments to cling to us. The negativity lingers … and our sense of worth dies a slow death.

There have been times when my day is going well … and then my mood changes. My outlook darkens. At first, I’m not even sure why. I mentally retrace my steps through the day, reviewing conversations. I realize something someone said to me – or about me – has replayed in my head for hours.

Sometimes it’s an internal monologue I’ve allowed to go on unchecked – my own negativity filled with recriminations and doubts.

Accusations of any kind – from others or from ourselves – poisons our souls.

For our mental health, it’s vital to remember we are no one’s personal fly paper. We are so much more valuable than to allow someone’s careless, incorrect opinion to toss us aside. We have to avoid their junk – their judgements, their bad attitudes – and refuse to let them stick.

 

Choosing to Ignore Others' Negativity About You https://bit.ly/2R4AURH #opinions #perspective
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'Don't let someone else's opinion of you become your reality.' Quote by @LesBrown77 https://bit.ly/2R4AURH #opinion #selfconfidence
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Choosing to be Honest About Depression

@bethvogt

 

A few weeks ago, I applied for long term health insurance. After all the ups and downs we’ve had with my mother-in-law’s care, my husband, Rob, and I want to do as much as we can to ease things in the future for our adult children.

Last week, the company denied my application.

Okay then.

Then the real fun started. I had to submit a form to get past the insurance company’s cryptic statement of “sorry we won’t cover you but we won’t tell you why except it was something your medical care provider wrote in your medical records.”

Rob is a family physician. I stay informed about my health. My migraines? Managed. My asthma? Managed. My cholesterol? Managing it.

The answer arrived quickly, along with a refund of the I-thought-they’d-say-yes deposit.

The reason for the denial? My history of “recurrent major depression and anxiety with reported symptoms of increasing anxiety noted during a visit in mid-March.”

I always want to be honest here … well, this is me being h-o-n-e-s-t.

Do I have depression? Yes. I take a mild antidepressant every day. I have since my thyroid went completely bonkers after my youngest daughter was born, almost 20 years ago. Note: Sometimes after childbirth, a woman’s thyroid stops functioning. Usually it rights itself. Mine didn’t. It was over a year before we got things under control, and my medical provider recommended an antidepressant because of complications with my thyroid.

My attempt to get off the antidepressant didn’t go so well. Knowing my history of abuse, Rob said, “You’ve probably struggled with some level of depression your entire life – and you’ve managed it up until now.” And then he suggested I stay on the medication.

I decided that If a small white pill helped me function as a wife and a mom – as a woman – so be it.

Fast forward to 2020.

I shouldn’t even have to explain this to anyone, much less some unknown person at an insurance company. We all know what this year has been like.

I had some tough days in the early part of 2020. After one week particularly rough week, I talked to my medical provider, who is not my husband, by the way. We discussed options to I help me feel more myself.

And for that, I get a denial and a label of “recurrent major depression and anxiety.”

My response to all this?

You deny my application? That’s fine.

I deny your label.

Yes, I have depression. Whatever my medical provider, who I trust and respect, wrote in my chart, I do not have major depression. I have functioned every single day of my life for the past two decades with depression. Some days are harder than others, but most days are good. I had a rough go for one week – 7 days – earlier this year.

Guess what? Everyone is having a rough go in 2020.

I have a diagnosis of depression – and I love my husband and my kids.

I have a diagnosis of depression – and I love my friends.

I have a diagnosis of depression – and I write award-winning books.

I have a diagnosis of depression – and I live my life, pursue dreams, trust God, and I don’t quit.

And here’s the most important thing I want to say: If you are dealing with depression – yes, you: Asking for help if you are struggling is never wrong.

Don’t accept shame from anyone. Don’t accept guilt from anyone.

Ask for help.

Choosing to be Honest About Depression https://bit.ly/3jx7SpZ #perspective #depression
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'Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully.
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Choosing to Stress or Choosing to Trust

@bethvogt

Life stopped abruptly for me last week, thanks to unrelenting muscle spasms in my jaw. Forget powering through the pain – sleeping was the wiser choice, curling up in my bed with either a heating pad or ice pack pressed to my face.

Not how I planned to spend the week.

Several days in, I was in bed – where else? – half awake, half asleep, wrestling with the reason for my muscle spasms.

Stress. Yep. Stress was causing me to clench my jaw so hard that my muscles spasmed.

Up until the pain got so bad I couldn’t ignore it because I couldn’t eat or talk, I thought I was managing what life was throwing at me.

We all have life stressors right now. The ongoing pandemic turbo-charges the stressors of school, work – even our attempts to relax. We’re all trying to manage our lives today and into the foreseeable future.

But “coping” with life stress is not the same thing as trusting.

That’s the realization I faced when I couldn’t make the muscle spasms stop.

I was managing my stress. Shifting it from one shoulder to the other, day in and day out. Waving at God and saying, “Don’t worry. I got this handled.”

Truth was, I needed to shrug all that stress off my shoulders and lay it at God’s feet. Admit, “This is way too much for me to carry. I need your help.”

Okay. Time for a story.

Years ago, when I was first dealing with my abuse, struggling to accept the reality of what happened, a friend shared this story with me:

A young man was walking along a road carrying a sack of rocks on his back. After a while, an older man came along in a wagon. He stopped beside the young man carrying the sack of rocks on his back and offered him a ride in the wagon. The man accepted, climbed up into the wagon, still shouldering his load of rocks. They road along in silence for some time before the older man said, “You are welcome to set that load of rocks down in the back of the wagon.” But the younger man declined. “No, thank you. I can handle this load myself.”

 Why do we needlessly shoulder burdens we were never meant to carry – especially when help is offered?

 If you’re stressed today, consider doing two things:

Rest. When our bodies are stressed out, we need to allow them to rest. It’s not weakness to acknowledge we’re worn out or that we can’t push through emotional or physical pain. Let’s accept we’re human and that we have limitations.
Trust. We don’t have to go it alone. Pause and consider who you trust enough to ask for help. And yes, it’s difficult to reach out and admit that life stressors have taken us down. Sometimes I even struggle to find the words in a private, whispered conversation between me and God, who has proven to be trustworthy time and time again. Trust isn’t always the easiest choice … but realizing we can ask others for help can provide instant emotional breathing space.

If you’re facing tough days – and most of us are – know that I prayed for you as I wrote this post. And I’m praying for you now. Yes, you.

 

Choosing to Stress or Choosing to Trust https://bit.ly/3gqZxlD #encouragement #choices
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'Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it.' Quote by @BrianTracy https://bit.ly/3gqZxlD #stress #choices #trust
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Choosing to Believe We’re Never Lost in the Crowd

@bethvogt

Yesterday I was praying about this blog post, having pretty much determined I wouldn’t write one for today. And yes, I always pray about my blog posts.

I told God if I didn’t have an idea by five o’clock, I wouldn’t write one. No harm, no foul. I’d just figure he was giving me the week off.

Five minutes later, I had an idea.

We’ve been watching the Mission: Impossible movie series as a family. Yes, we’re back to the “Your mission, should you choose to accept it” movies. I like them because of the impressive chase scenes.

But then I realized Ethan Hunt, the hero, is more than a super spy. He also has Christ-like qualities.

There’s a common theme in the Mission: Impossible movies: Ethan Hunt will not abandon a member of his team, even if it jeopardizes the overall mission. Some of his superiors, as well as the enemies they are trying to thwart, think this is Hunt’s fatal flaw. Even Ethan Hunt himself sees it as a weakness.

But in M: I Fallout, one boss gets it right, and tells Hunt: “You had a terrible choice to make in Berlin: recover the plutonium or save your team. You chose your team, and now the world is at risk. Some flaw deep in your core being simply won’t allow you to choose between the one life and millions. Now you see that as a sign of weakness. To me that’s your greatest strength.”

Hunt’s loyalty to his individual team members makes Hunt a hero. And it also makes Hunt Christlike.

Think about it: when Jesus tells the parable of how the shepherd goes after the one lost sheep, he’s showing us how God cares for each one of us. (Luke 15:1-7) We don’t get lost in the crowd. You aren’t more important than me. I’m not more important than you … and the mission isn’t more important than any of us.

In God’s economy, we are the mission.

There are so many different messages being thrown at us these days about what is important. In a politicized arena, the emotions intensify and voices get louder and louder because people want to be heard. They want to be right. More right than anyone else.

The one true message I wish people could hear is this: God values each and every one us. He sees us. He never loses track of us.

It’s all too easy to feel lost in the crowd these days, swallowed up in negativity and discontent and doubt. Believe me, I’ve battled those days. Those doubts.

But I’m choosing to remember the truth that even if I feel lost, I know Someone is always searching for me.

Maybe you needed that reminder today, too.

 

Choosing to Believe We're Never Lost in the Crowd https://bit.ly/3gbAzXs #hope #faith
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'Hope is a renewable option: If you run out of it at the end of the day, you get to start over in the morning.' Quote by @b_kingsolver https://bit.ly/3gbAzXs #hope #perspective
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Doing the Hard Work of Reconciliation

@bethvogt

My youngest daughter, Christa and I had an argument two weeks ago.

Arguing is unusual for us. It’s unusual for me to argue with any of my adult children.

That said, a rather intense verbal wrangling occurred, with both of us saying, “You wanna’ go?” at some point. It sounds better when an almost 20-year-old says it.

Christa here. I don’t remember either of us saying this; however, it’s not hard for me to believe that we did. What I do remember is this was one of the most heated fights with my mom.

I’m happy to say Christa and I have reconciled. We talked our stuff through and forgave one another in a true, honest way, where things aren’t covered up or ignored.

  That was the biggest part of the whole conversation for me. Yes, it was hard. There were things that were hard to say and hard to hear. But those things have to be brought to light for true reconciliation.

Reconciliation didn’t happen overnight. Sometimes it takes a while to work through tough issues. Yes, I know the admonition not to let the sun go down on your anger. I believe in it, too. But here’s the thing: not all disagreements – arguments, fights, whatever you want to call them – can be resolved by the time the sun sets. Life doesn’t always fit in the rising and setting of the sun.

But in the midst of all the angst – and there was angst and silence and tears – Christa and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that we loved each other. That we would figure this out. That this uncomfortable state of affairs wasn’t permanent.

And now I want to mention the dream I had during the in-between time.

I had no idea about any dream until Mom said, “Hey, you should read this blog post I wrote.”

Christa and I still hadn’t talked things out to the reconciliation point. I took a nap because, well, I was in the middle of a 2-day migraine.

In the dream, I was upset. I knew I needed to stop holding onto my anger and unforgiveness. Got it. I needed to stop wanting to be right. Got it. (Although doesn’t thinking you’re right feel good?)

I found these two clear plastic containers and exhaled my anger and unforgiveness into them. As I did, the containers filled up with this toxic green smoke.

After I had done this, I could breathe again.

There was no need to wonder “What was that dream about?”

I’m very thankful for this dream, for both of us. It helps us both move on from any pain or anger and step into a new season of our relationship. I’m thankful for a mom who is willing to forgive and go through the hard times so we can continue to cherish the good.

Doing the Hard Work of Reconciliation https://bit.ly/3izMrUS #relationships #forgiveness
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'It is not 'forgive and forget' as if nothing wrong had ever happened, but 'forgive and go forward ...' to create a new future.' https://bit.ly/3izMrUS #reconciliation #relationships
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