Jeff Kay's Blog, page 7

What Sounds Cause You To Wince And Grimace?

Toney and I were talking about sounds that drive us crazy yesterday. I have a bunch o’ them, and so does she. However, they don’t overlap much. And she thinks my list is ridiculous, while hers is perfectly logical. It’s funny how that works, right?

She says for her it’s all “human” sounds. Including, but not limited to the following:

Lip smacking
Gum chewing
Whistling
Foot tapping
Finger drumming
Knuckle cracking

I also cannot stand the first two on that list, especially the lip smacking. It’s one of those things that almost makes me angry. Was there no home training? How was this atrocity allowed to continue deep into adulthood?! My parents would’ve put an end to that shit long before it was allowed to metastasize. Hell, some people seem to have a mouth with perfect acoustics to accentuate the noise and project it into the room. Like a tiny Hollywood Bowl with teef. I’ve attempted to re-create the impossible volume of random people eating chips and salsa in Mexican restaurants, and can’t do it. Not even if I really go for it and risk a catastrophic chip laceration.

But I also have others that Toney believes are ridiculous.

For instance… the sound of someone talking through a walkie-talkie almost makes my brain explode. I don’t know why. I think it’s just the shrillness of it, and the unnecessary high volume. I’m almost certain you can adjust the volume up and down, right? Why are they always — without exception — kept on the LUDICROUS setting? Also, walkie-talkies are not telephones, you shouldn’t be having full conversations over them. Grrr… I’m getting annoyed just writing about it. Whenever we’re in Sam’s Club or Home Depot, where the employees all carry those things, I’m about to crawl out of my skin. And Toney doesn’t seem to even hear it.

Also… somebody dragging a chair across a tile floor. If you have to move it, pick the thing up and set it back down. We were in a brew pub a few months ago, with the unfortunate name Wallenpaupack Brewing Company, and it was like a school cafeteria in there. It was huge and cavernous, with tile or linoleum on the floor. Everybody kept dragging and shoving their metal chairs, and causing loud scraping noises. I was shouting, “Seriously?!” It was nothing short of maddening, and Toney… nothing. It didn’t even register with her. Amazing. But if somebody had been across the room tapping their foot, it would’ve been a different story.

Another one that makes me crazy: incessant beeping, like on heavy machinery or a forklift or whatever. It can go on for a limited amount of time and I roll with it. But at some point a threshold is crossed and I flip my lid. It’s like Chinese water torture. STOP IT! MAKE IT STOP!! I’LL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE FUCKING GROUND! And Toney doesn’t even notice it.

Sometimes it goes the other way, but not often. The most obvious example of that was when Andy, the king of dogs, was still with us. Any kind of noise he would make with his mouth made Toney lose her mind. Like if he was drinking water “too long,” or licking his ass or wiener or whatever dogs are always doing. I sincerely didn’t notice any of it, but she could seemingly lock in on that crap from a different floor of the house. Sheesh, I’d say. What a kook.

What do you have on this subject? Which sounds cause you to wince and grimace? Bring us up to date on it in the comments. Any unique ones? Anything out of the ordinary? I’m interested to read all about it.

And before I call it a day here, I have a few links to share. Some friends o’ the site and podcast have some cool projects going, which I want to alert you guys to.

Producer Zipp does a hilarious podcast with his friend Bob, called No Redeeming Qualities. Every year they produce counter-programming to Shark Week, and do a series of shows about a different animal. This years it’s the walrus, and here’s some info about Walrus Week. Good stuff! You should definitely check it out. Also, they asked a local band (they’re in Houston) to create a brief Walrus Week jingle, maybe 10 or 15 seconds long. And the band, called Dompston Checks In, came back with an amazing full-length song, which you can hear right here. Do yourself a favor and crank it up!

Also, my old Peaches Records & Tapes buddy Eugene has a great new(ish) podcast called Wheeler’s Dog — which is a super-obscure Green Acres reference I’ve learned. Eugene is a funny guy and his podcast is really good. He takes a similar approach to it as I do in mine — reacting to things that happen in our everyday lives. But with his own unique Eugene point o’ view. The podcast is available everywhere, and I recommend it. Check it out.

And I’m calling it a day here, my friends.

I hope you’re doing well out there.

Take care!

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

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Published on August 03, 2020 08:39

Are You A Super-Picky Eater? Will You At Least Try Stuff?

That’s the thing. There are items on this list that I don’t like, but I know I don’t like them… because I’ve tried them a few times. I’ve met many people who say they don’t like a long, long list of things they’ve never tasted. That bugs me. Also, there’s no shortage (amazingly enough) of full-grown adults who eat like six year olds: hot dogs with ketchup, chicken strips, macaroni and cheese, burgers with next to no toppings, cheese pizza. And not much else. That also bugs me. And… I’ve met many adults who have a weird hang-up about their food “touching.” You know, the mashed potatoes can’t brush up against the corn or they’ll experience some kind of emotional collapse. Freaks.

Also, there are several items on this list I don’t like, but will eat in small amounts. Things like mayonnaise and garlic. The problem there? It’s very difficult for people to exercise restraint with either of those ingredients. Can you think of any others that are more routinely over-used than mayonnaise and garlic? I recall standing in a Subway in Atlanta years ago, apocalyptically hungover, and the woman in front of me kept asking for more and more and more mayonnaise. It was piled up high, jiggling and shiny. I’m not kidding, I nearly barfed. Blecch.

But, when I go to Wendy’s I always order my #1 with “no pickles.” I let the mayo ride. So… I don’t really like it, but I’m semi-reasonable on the subject. Pickles are far too dominating, and also loaded with garlic. Those things can go to hell. However… I do like sweet pickles. Especially with grilled cheese sandwiches, for some reason.

In any case, there are six items on the above list that I’d absolutely say no to, in every case: liver, tofu, asparagus, raw fish, olives, and snails. Liver is nasty. I’ve had tofu, and it’s off-putting. It seems to get bigger as you chew. Asparagus is one of the rare vegetables I don’t care for. Raw fish? What am I, a pelican? You hipsters can have my serving. I could choke down a few olives if I had to, but wouldn’t enjoy it. And snails? Maybe I’m a hypocrite, but I can’t recall ever eating them. And I’m cool with that.

There’s stuff on the list that are not my favorite, but they’re not on the NEVER list. Like zucchini. That’s a mushy bullshit vegetable. But it doesn’t turn my stomach.

How picky of an eater are you? Do you eat like you’re still in fourth grade? Can your food touch or does it trigger nervous exhaustion? How many items on the list above are in your NEVER category? Is my six low? High? Normal? I’m curious to find out. I feel like I’m far from picky, but I’m not going to be engaging in any extreme-eating, either. I’ve had stuff like alligator and snake, and attended a so-called Beast Feast years ago. I stopped at Burger King on my way home from that thing. The snapping turtle bisque just didn’t do it for me. And the coon cutlets were nicely prepared but unsatisfying. I tried it all, though.

Bring us up to date on this one, won’t you? Use the comments section to report your number from the above list, and share your thoughts on picky eaters.

Before I go, I want to alert you to something very cool. Producer Zipp (who does an expert job making my podcast sound semi-professional) and his comedy partner Bob have produced a radio drama called Beer Run. Zipp wrote the script, and the two of them perform all the characters. It’s hilarious, and highly recommended. Check it out here. It’s about fifteen minutes long, and is very creative and funny. Give it a listen!

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

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Published on July 06, 2020 09:06

A Few Quick Things, vol. 20

Toney and I made our triumphant return to one of our favorite watering holes on Sunday. Here I am enjoying a Wallenpaupack Largemouth IPA at Backyard Ale House in Scranton. We had to make reservations online, and were allotted a one-hour block o’ time to eat, drink and be merry. It was great to be out and about again. It had been three months and one day, according to our calculations.

We had the 4 pm to 5 pm block, and enjoyed two beers each and an order of their fantastic homemade chips and sour cream and onion dip. We love that place and are sincerely glad they’re back. I took a picture there a few months ago, before the world turned upside down, that is one of my all-time favorites. Check it out. That dude was out there enjoying a smoke. We could see out, but he couldn’t see in. It’s like something out of a DEVO video.

Anyway, we might eventually be able to just drop in and leave when we want. Imagine that level of luxury! Have you been able to return to any favorite bars or restaurants? Our section of Pennsylvania is slow to reopen, so most of you are probably way ahead of us.

Yesterday I was reading some crap on Reddit about what people wear to bed. That website is a giant time-suck and sometimes I wish I’d never discovered it. It’s destroying my life. In any case, there’s a page on there where people ask questions, very similar to our Question o’ the Day, and thousands and thousands of people weigh in. On this one, people were talking about what they sleep in, and there’s a large percentage of people who claim to sleep nude. I find that to be ridiculous, but whatever. This comment made me laugh, and I thought I’d share.

By the way, Reddit has pages — known as subreddits — for nearly every subject you can think of, and lots that you’d never consider even if you were in the throes of Typhoid Fever. Like any of these, for instance. It’s fantastic, really. But it’ll ruin your life. What are your favorite subreddits? I keep up with baseball news there, read comments about TV shows I’m watching and podcasts I’m listening to, and also cool shit like this. It’s a bottomless pit. Great! And extremely dangerous.

Speaking of TV shows I’m watching, are you a fan of Alone? Season 7 just started and the first episode was craziness. The premise, in case you don’t know, is they leave 10 people in some godforsaken area of the world completely alone. They film themselves, there are no camera crews or anything of the sort. They’re usually dropped 10 miles apart, or thereabouts, so they never encounter each other. And whoever survives the longest wins a half million bucks. This year is a little different, but not much. It’s brutal, and fascinating. I’ve watched every episode and here’s generally how it goes:

Vicious predators are curious and drop in to “visit.” Eventually they just accept the humans as part of the community and leave them alone.
Food becomes an issue and some of the people begin to starve.
The ones who endure the first two phases start to lose their everlovin’ shit because they’re alone and tired and undernourished.

Oh, it’s great TV! And you know how long I’d last? That’s right, zero minutes. Because I wouldn’t get off the boat. Funk dat. Some guy quit during Season 2 (I think) on the first day, and he made it longer than I would’ve. Here’s a shot from the first episode of the new season. Dude found half-a-boat in the woods and turned it into a hot tub. No way I’d submerge my goods in that tepid basin of filth. It’s a good way to pick up one of those peehole parasites I read about on Reddit. Know what I’m sayin’? Do you have any thoughts on Alone? Please share.

And what streaming services do you subscribe to? There are dozens of them now, and we still only have the original three (?): Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime. Do you have any of the others? I don’t need more, but am always intrigued.

I suffered the granddaddy of all leg cramps last week. Oh, I’ve had plenty of them during my ridiculous life. But this one was in a different category, and my leg was sore for several days afterward. It was impossible pain, and would not subside for a long time. I was hurtled, with no advance warning, into a world of pure anguish. It was bullshit. And whenever I tell somebody about it they say, “Yeah, I’ve had those.” It’s highly unsatisfactory.

Also, there’s this, which makes my soul ache.

And I need to go to work now. How’s it so freaking late so early in the day??

Have a great one, my friends.

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

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Published on June 16, 2020 09:30

How Has The Lockdown Affected You Personally?

Before we get started here, I want to make it clear that I’m not whining. And this isn’t some super-serious exercise, either. And if we’re all still alive and haven’t lost anyone to the virus, we should consider ourselves lucky. And all that. So, if you’re inclined to lecture me from atop the high horse, I’d like to encourage you not to. I know it’s hard to pass up an opportunity to shine, but please make an attempt. I’d be much obliged.

Yes, we’re still in lockdown mode here in the upper right-hand corner of Pennsylvania. Technically we’re still under a stay-at-home order, although that seems to have gone out the window the past few weeks. It felt like everybody was following it. Then, almost at the exact same time, we all said funk dat. Oh, everybody is still wearing masks in stores, etc. But they’re sure as shit not “staying at home.” The traffic is back, and people are flocking to wherever they’re allowed to flock. The beautiful weather probably contributes to that. It’s perfection out there!

This whole thing hasn’t affected me much. I’ve been working through it all, and so has Toney. Both our boys temporarily(?) lost their jobs, but the younger one went out and got another one at a grocery store. The older hooligan? I “joke” with him that he’ll look back at the Coronavirus with great fondness. He’s got money flowing in, and isn’t doing jack shit. Oh, these are the glory days for him.

So, the ways it has affected me are slight, I’d say. I’ll try to break it down, and ask you to do the same, if you’d like.

I don’t like talking about my job here, ’cause it’s never a good idea. But, like I said, I’m lucky enough to have seen no interruption in my employment through this ordeal. I know how fortunate I am. But it’s stressful, and I don’t really know why. It’s not that I’m scared, or anything along those lines. Everything just feels heightened and intense. Just the vibe or energy, or whatever you want to call it. It’s not normal, and it takes its toll. I can’t explain it, because I don’t really understand it.

And I’ve had to give myself shitty homemade haircuts, which bugs me. Right now I feel like my head is shaped like a rhombus. Toney will help if I ask her, but she sure won’t volunteer. I’m thinking about firing up the clippers after I finish here and trying to de-rhombus my shit before I return to work. A real haircut will feel like the world’s biggest luxury, if it ever happens again. Man! I look like I’m in the throes of sickness, or maybe living on the streets. I need to find an underground back-alley barber, or whatever.

And my favorite Chinese carryout joint closed for a couple of months, which concerned me. I thought they’d never return, after so many weeks. But they’re back! And they’re slammed with business. I’ve been there twice since they reopened and it’s a beautiful thing.

I ordered Cracker Barrel once from DoorDash during this crap. That was a first for me. I don’t get food delivered, it’s not the way I operate. But this dude rolled up at my job with two piping hot meatloaf meals inside a canvas sack, and mister…. I thought I was a delivery convert. But I haven’t done it a second time.

And I’ve watched an enormous amount of TV. It’s not something I generally engage in, not at this level. And it concerns me a little. I’m getting somewhat addicted to television. I hope I can break it once things return to “normal.” I don’t want to be a TV watcher. Ya know? But I’ve powered through Ozark, the new season of Bosch, the new season of Homeland, Dead to Me, Devs, and several others I’m not remembering. I need baseball back, to fill the hours I’m currently burning with TV. Ahhh…. baseball. I miss it even more than real haircuts.

What about you? Please bring us up to date. Are you still working? What’s changed for you over the past couple of months? Use the comments section to check in with us. I hope everyone is well.

I’ll be back soon. Please feel free to give the latest wide-release podcast a listen, if you’re so inclined. Right here. It has some funny moments. There’s a new one for patrons too.

Have a great day, my friends!

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

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Published on May 26, 2020 08:55

What Do You Eat When You’re Hungry Between Normal Feeding Times?

You know, like a late Saturday afternoon? Lunch is in the rear view mirror and dinner is still hours away. You’re hungry as a sumbitch, and something needs to happen. Or it’s 8 pm, and dinner didn’t quite fill the void? Chips and crap like that just ain’t gonna get it done. You need some real food, but don’t have the energy or wherewithal to do any actual cooking. Or you’re getting ready to hit the dormancy platform at 1:00 am and realize you’re really freaking hungry?

What do you do? I have trouble with this. I always want something more substantial than just a bowl of Rice Krispies (although that ain’t bad, especially with sliced bananas), but don’t want to break out actual pans ‘n’ shit. I need some tips. I know a sandwich is always a good option, but a good one requires some effort. And some ingredients. I don’t like just a couple of slices of ham on two pieces of sad and flaccid bread. That’s garbage. It’s hard to maintain and calibrate all the proper sandwich components. Ya know?

It might seem weird, but I like to make a giant container of salad every weekend. I buy all sorts of ingredients and it takes me an hour to chop it all up. That hits the spot until Tuesday or so, when it starts going brown on us. So, that’s not an everyday solution.

A simple one that’s really good and satisfying is two scrambled eggs on toast, with a couple of slices of sharp cheese. I do that several times per week, and it’s nothing short of delightful. And it takes roughly four minutes to prepare. But I feel like there should be many other options like that. I should have a dozen such things in my arsenal, but it’s like I have a block and can’t think of others. Oh… grilled cheese is a one good. And I make a damn good grilled cheese, thank you very much.

But help me out here. I’m struggling. I need more between-meal ideas. I’m very limited in my options, ’cause I’m snacktarded. You’d think a man who throws such a large shadow would have this down to a science by now. But I feel like I’m in need of outside help. What do you eat when it’s between feeding times, and you need more than just a handful of Funyuns, or whatever? Help me out, won’t you? Tell us all about it in the comments.

And please don’t suggest soup. Soup is bullshit.

Before I call it a day here, I’d like to alert you to a new episode of the WORLD FAMOUS podcast, which I posted late last night/early this morning. I like this one, which is somewhat rare. Check it out right here, or wherever you get podcasts.

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

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Published on May 14, 2020 09:34

Ranking The Candy Bars!

Last time we shared the candies we dislike, and today I’m going to make an effort to rank my Top 5 favorite candy bars. I don’t eat them all that often anymore, but I’ve rifled-down enough during my ridiculous life to have an opinion. And it’s difficult to limit it to just five. However… if I expand it to 10 it feels like I’m padding the list with a couple that are not top-tier. So, let’s give it a shot. Here are my five faves, ranked:

5. York Peppermint Patty

4. Snickers

3. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup

2. Take 5

1. Kit Kat

I realize there are a couple of controversial entries there. Including number five, which seems to be the most divisive candy bar of them all. But, what can I say? I love ’em! When I admit this, my heterosexuality is sometimes called into question. Because I enjoy a light and delightful candy bar?! Whatever. When I’m at Target or Walmart and spot a box o’ those beauties near the checkout, I’ll go for one every time. But I don’t see them as often as I used to, and it concerns me.

The other one that might surprise people is number two. Most of the top tier entries have been around for decades, but Take 5 is relatively new. And I find it amazing that such a perfect concoction was created at such a late date. 2004, according to Wikipedia. It feels like every combination must have surely been tested by then, right? But here we are. This is a solid and fantastic candy bar, definitely one of my favorites. I wish I had one right now.

Kit Kat kicks ass, needless to say. When we were in England they had a massive number of novelty versions, and I see a few over here too. But it’s the original that I love. Sure the Sunday Roast version is intriguing, and the Pepperoni Pizza Kit Kat is probably interesting, but just give me the tried and true. The best candy bar of them all!

The others are classics, and would probably appear on many Top 5 lists. The ones that were left off, but are also really good: Milky Way (like 3 Musketeers but with a ribbon of delicious caramel as a bonus), Almond Joy (I’m a big fan of coconut in this context. I don’t always like it, but it works here), and Payday (when they’re fresh they’re really good, but they are often semi-stale), and Caramello (damn, should this one be in my Top 5?!).

Some popular ones I don’t really like include Heath, Butterfinger, and Nestle Crunch. I like Krackel but Nestle Crunch makes me sad. It’s a poorly-executed knockoff, waxy as all fuck.

Just because I was curious I looked up the year each of my Top 5 were introduced. Here they are: Kit Kat (1935, but 1970s for USA), Take 5 (2004), Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup (1928), Snickers (1930), and York Peppermint Patty (1940). So, I was correct that most date to before WWII. Crazy. The good stuff survives, right?

What do you have on this one? Tell us about it in the comments. Am I way off? Set me straight, won’t you?

And there’s a new podcast episode available, if you’re so inclined. Check it out here.

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

View more on Jeff Kay's website »

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Published on April 27, 2020 09:47

My Attempt At Ranking The Candy Bars!