Jeff Kay's Blog, page 4

What’s The One Craziest Thing You Witnessed At Each Of Your Jobs?

My plan, when I started this one, was to share one insane story from each of my main jobs throughout my life. But I quickly realized that it would translate into 10,000 words or something ludicrous. So, I’ll just do the West Virginia jobs — the stoopid early ones, when I was young, Jiffy-Popped, and adrift. Please feel free to adapt as you see fit, and share your stories in the comments. I attempted to come up with stories that were truly crazy, but for each job I could likely come up with five more. Hopefully I chose the right ones? Let’s get to it, shall we?

The paper route

One day I was doing the route and my friend Steve was with me. We saw some guy hide something in a space between two buildings on 16th Street. He kept looking around, all nervous and twitchy. After he disappeared we walked over there to investigate, and found a brown paper bag with a porno magazine inside. We were maybe 12 or 13 years old and had seen Playboy and Penthouse and things like that. But this was something far sleazier and way more graphic. We began flipping through it and it was grotesque. It made me want to go home and pet my dog, talk to my grandmother, or engage in some other wholesome activity. But we couldn’t look away. Finally we turned a page and there was a GIGANTIC close-up of a terrible vagina. I mean, we had no real frame of reference, but this thing was larger than life and… and something seemed off about it. After a split second of stunned silence both of us began howling in protest, “Oh God! Look at that thing! Look at it!!” It was like a monster. Or a zoomed-in plate of three-cheese manicotti or something. It was not erotic in the least, and seemed exploded and damaged. For some reason I think the magazine was German, but I’m not sure about that. We put it back in the hiding spot, and it wasn’t there the next time we looked. I was secretly relieved, but pretended to be disappointed and shouted, “Dammit!”

The toll bridge

I was on the overnight shift one evening, working by myself at the foot of the Dunbar Toll Bridge. I was out in the booth, probably looking at a book or magazine, when I heard the office door slam. What the?! It was probably 2:30 am… and somebody just went into the office? This was no good. And like some idiot in an ’80s slasher film I went to investigate. As I opened the door I remember my heart hammering in my chest, not knowing what I might be walking into. And inside the storage room I found a middle-aged woman in a fancy dress sitting on a large case of toilet paper. She was completely smashed. I asked if I could help her and she said she was waiting on Charlie, or some name like that. She was so drunk she could barely talk. I told her there’s nobody else around and she couldn’t stay in there. So she got up and began teetering down the middle of 10th Street on the sides of her shoes. After about 30 yards she turned, raised both middle fingers and shouted, “Fuuuuuuck you!!” Then she disappeared into the night.

Fas-Chek grocery store

One day a woman came in, filled a cart with groceries, placed a nickel in the front windowsill, and walked out the front door without paying. One of the managers, a guy named Skeeter, rocketed out of the elevated big-shot stand and went after her. He brought her back into the store, and began talking to her in the frozen food aisle. By this point a few of us had gathered round to see what the hell was going on. Skeeter asked her for an explanation and she was highly agitated and kept mentioning “kumquat money.” We all just looked at each other in confusion, but it apparently had something to do with the nickel she’d tried to leave behind. Skeeter said he had no idea what in the sweet and sour shit kumquat money is, and ordered somebody to call the police. That’s when things moved into a different phase. The woman — a large black lady, roughly 30 years old — let loose with a crazed shriek, and threw a roundhouse punch that connected squarely with Skeeter’s jaw. We tried to intervene but she was going wild and screeching like a mountain cat. She got Skeeter in a backwards bear-hug, and began spinning him round and round. Skeeter’s tiny feet were bicycling wildly, and he had a look of pure terror on his face. We finally got them separated and the police arrived moments later. They asked her for a name and she said it was “Secretariat.” I don’t know… Like with the German vagina referenced above, something was clearly askew here. I think the woman was suffering some kind of mental health issue, and I’m fairly certain the store opted not to press charges. But Skeeter never heard the end of it, and his prodigious mustache would twitch in agitation every time someone brought it up.

Exxon convenience store

I worked the overnight shift at this place as well, always with another person. One hardened redneck gentleman I was often paired with had some kind of personal issue with a guy on the 3 to 11 shift. Who the hell knows why? It was probably stemming from an argument about snuff or aftermarket mufflers. But he was stewing and grousing about this person for several days, vowing eventual hick revenge. And one day he came in snickering with excitement. I asked him what was going on and he showed me a large three-pronged hook. “You’re not going to kill him, are you?” I asked. And he just snickered like Muttley again. Later that evening, after the owners went home, he told me his plan. At the end of each shift the cash registers are zeroed out, a report is printed, and most of the money is placed inside a bank bag. And that bag is shoved through a mail slot in the locked manager’s office door. He was going to feed that hook and some fishing line through the mail slot, grab his nemesis’s bank bag, remove a hunk of cash and put it back. Then the guy would presumably get into trouble, and maybe even be fired. I just stood there blinking real fast, amazed by his sustained hatred and ingenuity. He went to work and it took a long time. At one point he emerged in a state of panic. He said he’d snagged a desk chair and couldn’t work it loose. The chair was now pulled all the way up against the door. I shrugged, having no suggestions for him. He went back and eventually came strutting out with the evening shift’s bank bag. He sat down behind the checkout counter, in a state of triumph, and began counting the cash. He pocketed more than $100, but some odd number like $116 or $133. Something like that. He asked if I wanted any and I told him no. So he put it back through the slot, and walked around with a glow of victory the rest of the night. I asked him about the desk chair and he said he’d shoved a broomstick through there and moved it back near the desk. Now, all there was to do was wait for the fallout. The guy’s drawer was now a complete disaster. This was going to be great! And yeah… not a word was ever said about it.

Like I said, I could come up with several other stories for each of those ridiculous jobs. But I hope you enjoyed the ones I chose. If you’d like to share one crazy story from one, some, or all of your jobs, please use the comments.

And I’m going to call it a day, my friends.

I’ll see you on the podcast side o’ things, and in the Friday email. Sign up here if you haven’t.

Have yourselves a wonderful week!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post What’s The One Craziest Thing You Witnessed At Each Of Your Jobs? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

How Far From Your Childhood Home Do You Live?

As you can see, I’m about 495 miles from Dunbar, WV — my hometown. But I’ve also been 251 miles (Greensboro, NC), 507 miles (Atlanta, GA), and 2324 miles (Santa Clarita, CA). When I was young I repeatedly proclaimed that I’d never leave West Virginia, and meant it. I’m not sure what that was rooted in, but felt strongly about it. Then I began to panic as my 23rd birthday approached and didn’t have jack-shit going on. So, I not only left my parents’ house, but left the state. It was a sudden and out-of-left field decision, but I don’t regret it. It worked out OK. I still love West Virginia, of course, but have had many cherished adventures since I left there.

The reason I bring this up… apparently one of our kids is moving out this summer. He’s also 22, same age as I was. But I feel weird about it. He has one year left of college, and I wish he’d just continue living here until he graduates. But, it’s his decision. He accused me of talking him out of it the last time this came up, and he’s absolutely correct about that. I tried to do it again this time. Oh well. Maybe it will do him some good somehow? He’s pretty mature, so there’s not a lot o’ growing up he needs to do. Not like me at that age; I was a freaking basket-case. But, something maybe. We’ll see.

How far from your hometown are you? And if you’re still in your hometown, how far are you from your childhood home? Please tell us about it. Use the comments.

The boy, in case you were wondering, will be fewer than 10 miles from us. So, he’s not venturing far. Just… out. Like I say, I feel weird about it. Sometimes this house seems pretty damned crowded with four adults living in it. But I get no joy from the thought of one of us not being here. I know it’s inevitable, and the way of the world. But I don’t have to love it, do I?

In any case, how far have you ventured? Please bring us up to date on it.

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post How Far From Your Childhood Home Do You Live? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

In Celebration Of Cussing, Cursing, Swearing And The Use Of Foul Language!

How goes it, my friends? I took today off from work, and am operating at a decidedly casual pace. I just polished off a Moe’s burrito. I hadn’t been inside that place in years, possibly five or more. I’m not a huge fan. I believe Chipotle is roughly a million times better. But, on a whim, I decided to return. It was alright, not great. I noticed they don’t have the ridiculous names for their offerings anymore. Like “Joey Bag o’ Donuts” and stuff like that. That’s better. And it’s all remodeled and semi-fancy in there. It’s been a long time. But the food tasted exactly like I remember it. Like I said… alright, not great.

Also, the rosy-cheek nerd who was taking my order was trying to rush me through my choices, which I didn’t appreciate. Every time I asked for another component he’d bark — before I’d even finished speaking — “Anything else?!” There was nobody behind me, no need for the extra pressure. I wanted to tell him to calm his tits and not get his Rosacea in an uproar, but was able to maintain somehow. It might be a few years before I go back. We’ll see.

Today I wanted to get your feedback on profanity. I have a few questions on the subject I jotted down in the ol’ notebook. What say we start powering through them?

How much cursing was there in your house while you were growing up?

My folks would let some words fly, on a semi-regular basis. But only the lower-caliber ones like shit and damn and hell, and things like that. I’ve NEVER heard either of them use the f-word, not once in my entire life. It might’ve happened when we were not around, but never in front of me or my brother. My grandmother, who lived directly across the street from us, never used any profanity whatsoever. She might be the only person I’ve spent a considerable amount of time with that I could say that about. Her husband, my grandfather, made up for it, though. He was cussing for two. Heh.

At what age did your parents first hear you say a swear word?

I was probably seven or eight and my dad overheard me and my friend Doug repeatedly use the word shit. Inexplicably, there was some spelling of it too. I remember him bringing it up, and kinda laughing about us hollering S-H-I-T! S-H-I-T! He was both amused and confused, but also wanted me to know he’d heard it and we should probably tread lightly. I was embarrassed, so it worked. I still don’t curse (much) around my parents. It’s a respect thing.

How do you feel about cussing in front of kids?

I take the same approach as my folks did. However, my kids have definitely heard me drop a few f-bombs. Not many, it’s not a word I use all the time. But it’s definitely part of the repertoire, especially as the boys got older. We’ve never been the types to fill every sentence with swear words, but the potential for an outburst is always there. Sometimes I hear people spewing the crassest, trashiest language in front of young children and don’t care for it. I know they’re only words, and all that. But at some point it causes me to furrow my brow in a judgmental manner.

Who are the most prolific swearers you’ve met?

It’s mostly co-workers for me. I’ve known people through the years who seemingly can’t communicate without the word fuck. It’s in every sentence, and used as a verb, adverb, noun, adjective, modifier, etc. If some of those guys (almost always guys) were forced to stop using the word, it would be like asking you or me to stop using the letter e. I’ve worked in and around warehouses for many years, and also in the music industry. I know profanity, and sometimes it takes over a person’s life. Like kudzu on an outbuilding.

What are your favorite swear-word substitutes you’ve heard?

These usually come from women, I notice. Here are a few that jump immediately to mind:

flippin’frickin’I don’t give a kittycheese and ricecheese and crackersson of a Boh, sugarfiddle sticksbull butterquit fiddle-farting around

What do you have on this subject? Please feel free to answer any or all of the questions. Use the comments section.

I also remember, when I was young, being over at a kid’s house (a blue ribbon weirdo, btw) who told his sister to stop “bugging” him. And his mother flew off the handle and told him she doesn’t tolerate profanity in her house. I was totally confused, and still am. He said, “stop bugging me.” Nothing else. Profanity?? What the? And I had a boss who didn’t like when I described somebody as “cocky.” She said the root word is “cock,” which is something I’d never considered. Not once in my entire life. To this day I kinda self-edit when the word “cocky” jumps into my mind. And my grandmother on my dad’s side HATED the word “fart.” She had a giant problem with it. So we had to say things like “let one fly.” Hilarious.

Please let me know your thoughts, and have a great weekend.

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post In Celebration Of Cussing, Cursing, Swearing And The Use Of Foul Language! first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

What Did You Have For Lunch Today? I Tried The New KFC Chicken Sandwich

I apologize in advance. This one is going to be a quickie, ’cause I gots no time. As I type this, the younger boy is heading over to KFC to purchase, on my behalf, their much ballyhooed new chicken sandwich. My instructions: If it comes in a meal, get the meal. If not, just get that deep-fried poultry ball as a standalone. “Um, OK,” was his puzzled, but used-to-it response. As soon as it arrives, I’ll go upstairs, try it out, and return to the bunker for my review. How’s that sound?

Have you tried this thing? What are your thoughts? When everybody was whipped into a frenzy about the Popeye’s chicken sandwich, I tried it a few times, and thought it was fine. Actually, pretty good. But nowhere near as tasty as Chick-fil-A, and much saltier. I’ve had the Popeye’s sandwich maybe three or four times now, because people at work love ’em, and don’t really have a need to ever eat one again. I sort of enjoy it while I’m having it, then feel my blood pressure spiking due to the sodium load. It’s fairly disgusting.

OK, he’s here… Give me ten minutes.

I’m back. He was able to secure a meal, and chose Coke as the drink. Here’s the reality pic:

It was decent, but I’m not blown away. The chicken is extra-crispy, and there’s mayo and pickles on it. The bun is supposedly buttered, which is a nice touch. But is it better than Chick-fil-A? Ha! That’s my answer. It’s bigger, and probably cheaper. But not anything super-special. It’s a standard-issue fast food chicken sandwich. I took a couple of bites with the pickles, just to get the full experience. Then I plucked those nasty bastards off. I could still taste the residue, but it was now a muted nastiness.

I don’t know. There’s so much chicken sandwich hype. This thing is fine, definitely not terrible. But it’s not as good as what you could get at Wendy’s for the last hundred years or so. I feel like there might be a salt issue with this one, too. I can already feel it taking hold. Also, there was a stringiness that was slightly off-putting. Every time I took a bite it was still tethered to the mothership, if you know what I mean. I had to move the sandwich far away from my mouth to snap the cord. Not great.

Apparently Burger King is coming out with a new chicken sandwich, as well. I don’t know if it’s out, but I do know I haven’t tried it. Here are my rankings, so far:

1. Chick-fil-A (with a bullet!)
2. Wendy’s Homestyle (available since the Carter Administration, or some shit)
3. KFC
4. Popeye’s

The last two could flip-flop and I wouldn’t have an issue with it. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

What are your thoughts on this important issue? How would you rank the FAST FOOD chicken sandwich? I put fast food in all caps, ’cause I’m not talking about some diner on the outskirts of Tulsa that “does” the best chicken sandwich in the world. I’m talking about shitty fast food, OK? Chick-fil-A is easily the best, in my opinion. And the tried and true Wendy’s Homestyle is better than any of the new interloper sandwiches. Right? Right. Please share your thoughts.

And if you didn’t have a chicken sandwich for lunch, what did you have? We need to know.

I have to go to work now. One more day of “opportunities” to navigate, then two glorious days off.

Have a great one, my friends!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post What Did You Have For Lunch Today? I Tried The New KFC Chicken Sandwich first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

What Were You Doing On March 9, 1999?

That’s the day I registered this domain. A little over 22 years ago! Is that not crazy? For the record I wanted wvsr.com, which was taken, even back in those early internet days. And not by a radio station, either. Those guys are still chugging right along too. Godspeed, split rail folk! So, I had to put “the” in front of it. It’s not ideal, but it worked out OK. I guess. People get confused by it and the letters get all jumbled. It’s not perfect, that’s for sure. If I had to do it all over, I might’ve put a little more thought into it. …The story of my life.

Somehow I registered jeffkay.com exactly one year later, to the day. I’ve never done anything with that domain, except tie it up so some other Jeff Kay can’t have it. Years ago I received occasional inquiries from random Jeff Kays around the world, asking if I’d be interested in selling it. But that hasn’t happened in a long time. I guess the collective Jeff Kay realized it’s a lost cause?

I have some other domains, but those two are the oldest by far. I mentioned on the podcast that I recently secured adsvsreality.com. I’d been trying to get that thing for years, maybe a decade. It was owned by some company that was trying to flip it for profit. But eventually they dumped it, and I swooped in. I have a few others I’m watching, and hoping to do some more swooping in the near future. Oh, I’m out there… lurking. Always lurking.

The early days of this website was maintained with a program called Microsoft FrontPage. It was good for its day, but was eventually outdated. And yet I kept using it, way past the outdated date. In August of 2008 I finally started using WordPress, which is what I’m still using. Here are some stats covering the WordPress era:

Akismet is a so-called plugin that does a great job of filtering out comment spam. Without it, the site would be inundated with “comments” about making money at home, boner meds, etc. Over three million of them blocked, and counting. Also, we’re coming up on 100,000 legit comments. Pretty cool, huh? And 1426 posts. That’s a lot of nonsense, right there.

In any case, do you know what you were doing around March 9, 1999? I don’t expect you to know anything about that specific date, but just in general.

We didn’t know it yet, but were nearing the end of our run in California. During the second half of ’99 I was approached by Warner Home Video about possibly moving to Pennsylvania and taking the Field Operations Manager position. But in March none of that was happening yet. We were just living in the desert out there with the spiders and snakes and bees, and scary-ass swooping birds. And I was working in Burbank at WEA home office (RIP). We now had two boys: the older was about to turn three years old, and the younger was about four months. Money was tight, but we were getting by. Toney was running a fully-licensed and registered in-home daycare. Which sucked it with gusto. I think I was hanging around with Mark Maynard around that time, and he probably inspired me to register the website name. It looks like his was registered in May of 1999, so that makes sense.

The late, great WEA home office in Burbank, CA.

What about you? What were you up to in March of 1999, or thereabouts? Please tell us about it in the comments.

Before I call it a day here I’d like to invite you to sign up for the resurrected mailing list, if you’re so inclined. Every Friday I send out a recap email to subscribers, and I think it’s pretty good. If you’d like to get in on that deal, sign up here. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed. And if you are? Just unsubscribe.

And I hope we all have a great weekend! I’m going to include myself this time. Is that so terrible?!

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post What Were You Doing On March 9, 1999? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

In Celebration Of The Cheap-Ass Swill Beers!

A few days ago I saw a clickbait article that promised to rank the best “cheap” beers. I can’t find the exact piece, which bugs me more than it should. But here are a bunch of similar ones:

This one
This one
This one
This one

I could keep going, but you get the idea. In the one I saw — possibly the first link above, but I don’t think so — they listed Coors Banquet beer as best overall. I thought that was interesting, because I generally dismiss all things Coors in a highly snooty fashion. Also, I didn’t think I’d had one in 25 years. Best overall? Huh. Maybe I should buy a 6-pack and see if I was being unfair?

At this point in my life I drink mostly fancy-ass craft beers, and Yuengling lager. And I don’t drink nearly as much as I used to do, ’cause the used to do was outrageous. But God knows I’m no stranger to a lot of the beers on the lists above. Not all of them, but most. My friend Tim once remarked, while some other friends and I were in the midst of a “session” a hundred years ago, “If I got lost in the Sahara desert with nothing to eat but saltine crackers, and was finally rescued, I couldn’t drink as much water as you guys drink beer every night.” Heh.

Oh yeah, we used to drink whatever was available too. A lot of Bud Light, Miller High Life, Busch, Stroh’s… whatever. Some defunct classics too, like Meister Brau and Goebel and Little Kings. Also Falls City, remember that?! All of it was pure swill, I’m sure. But we weren’t exactly connoisseurs. We just wanted to crank up the April Wine and start to guzzling. So… I have some insight, much of it many years old. But insight nonetheless.

And this would be my list of favorite “cheap” beers: Pabst Blue Ribbon, Miller High Life, and Rolling Rock. A couple of those are probably based in nostalgia, or some sense of ancient brand loyalty. But the Pabst choice is pure. I don’t remember drinking it as a youngling much. But at some point I realized it’s an honest-to-goodness solid choice.

My friend Steve and I attended a baseball game in Cleveland a few years ago, on one of the hottest days I’ve ever experienced. We walked out of that stadium totally depleted, like when Spongebob visited Sandy’s underwater dome. We headed straight for a bar, and Steve ordered something from an obscure brewery in Vermont or somesuch. Still struggling and teetering on the edge of a seizure, I asked the bartender if they had any Pabst tall boys. She said, “Now, that’s more like it!” and went to get our beers. Steve was surprised by my order. But when I started downing that thing it felt like a fire was being extinguished inside me. I’m surprised a puff of smoke didn’t come out. It’s just so drinkable and tasty too. I know it’s an ironic hipster beer, but I’m no longer concerned with such trifles. And, by the way, Steve switched to PBR for the second round. ‘Cause it was the only correct choice.

When it comes to the cheap beers, I’m only down with the ones that existed in 1980 and earlier. Some of the newer ones — like Keystone and shit like that — don’t interest me at all. But I’m thinking about reacquainting myself with some of the old “favorites.” In fact, I purchased a big honkin’ 30-pack of the Coors Banquet on Saturday. Last night I finally had a couple of them… and they were good. I mean, none of it’s great. But it was better than anticipated. And 30 cans cost me $20. Crazy. Maxes out my bunker fridge in a pleasing fashion too. I have to admit, I was being unfair to the Coors Banquet. I hope they’ll accept my apology.

What do you have on this subject? Anything? Please share it in the comments. In addition to your favorite cheap beers and the ones you drank as a youngster, please tell us the brand of your first beer, if you remember. Mine was Miller High Life, purchased underage (at 16!) from Wagner’s Market in Dunbar. I was with my friends Rocky and Mike. We drank them and went to a high school basketball game. And that’s how it started. It was the slipperiest of slippery slopes.

I’m calling it a day here, my friends. Just one more day o’ work, and finally some downtime. I’m burning out! But, at least I have a chilled box of swill in here waiting for me. Ha!

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post In Celebration Of The Cheap-Ass Swill Beers! first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

Do You Always Make Your Bed? And Other Assorted Questions Related To Sleep

I absolutely hate to climb into an unmade bed. Hate it! So… I make ours every day. Toney was previously more agnostic on the subject, but she’s come around on it, too. Once in a great while I’m rushed and have to be somewhere earlier than normal, and it gets forgotten. And she doesn’t like to climb into that clammy mess either. But it’s my job to keep the shit maintained. Somehow.

I’ve gotten pretty good at it through the years. In fact, I know all the military tucks, and everything. I’m not saying I always do that, but it’s in my repertoire. The only thing that throws me off is the quilt we use as a comforter. An old lady who lived down the street from us when I was growing up made it for us as a wedding present (I think). It’s a handmade quilt, and very cool. She’s gone now, of course. She’d be roughly 120 years old if she were still around. Anyway, that thing is SLIGHTLY rectangular. You can’t really tell by looking, but if you put it on wrong you’ll notice it. So… I’d say four days out of seven I do it the wrong way, which triggers some bitchin’. “Why is this thing not square?!” I’ve shouted a million times.

But I do good work. I’m quite accomplished in the art of bed-making, thank you very much. I’m not sure I could change the oil in my car, but we all have our areas of expertise. What are you feelings on this subject. Is it simply mandatory that the bed be made daily? Please bring us up to date on this important subject.

I also have a few additional sleep-related questions. Don’t feel compelled to answer them all. Just pick and choose the ones that interest you. Here ya go:

How many hours of sleep do you believe you require to function well, and how many do you usually get? I need 7 or 8, and get 5 or 6. And it’s mostly my own fault.What time do you generally hit the sack? It’s after 1 am for me. Sometimes as late as 2:30.Do you read in bed? I do, almost nightly. I’d say six nights per week, generally. I use a Kindle Paperwhite, one of the greatest inventions yet.What’s your standard sleep position? I start off on my side, but Toney says I eventually end up on my back. She has a big problem with this, and says it’s weird.What do you wear to bed? I know… completely nude. I’ve asked this question before, and everybody claims to sleep naked. Is this really true? I sleep in underwear and a t-shirt.Do you wear socks to bed? If so, why in God’s name?! I can’t even imagine such a thing.How often do you wash your sheets? We’re inconsistent with it, but nothing ridiculous. I knew people during the Greensboro and Atlanta years who claimed to have not washed their sheets in years. Years! That was back when I was in my 20s and associated with people in their 20s. Ridiculous.

And that’s all I can muster, my friends. Please share your thoughts on these sleep-related items.

I almost didn’t make this Friday update, but got it in with 54 minutes to spare! I hope all’s well in your corner o’ the world. I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Do You Always Make Your Bed? And Other Assorted Questions Related To Sleep first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

I’m Going To Need Your Opinions On Pizza

I was told late in the day today that I’m needed at work early in the day tomorrow… so this one is going to be a quickie. I’d like to get your opinions on pizza. For instance, what are your favorite toppings? If you could choose three or fewer, which ones would you choose? Cheese is a given, but feel free to go with extra cheese. I like any combination of pepperoni, sausage, bacon, onion, and green peppers. Those are my favorites, and if I had to narrow it down to just three I’d probably go with pepperoni, green peppers and onions. Tomorrow it might be something slightly different. The pizza in the picture looks almost perfect… except for the fungus. What do you have on this? Please tell us about it in the comments.

I never really liked the deep dish, or even the locally renowned “Old Forge style.” It’s almost like a casserole. I just prefer the kind you can get at a regular pizzeria, or at a walk-up NYC-style by-the-slice kinda joint. In the latter case just pepperoni or cheese will do, thank you very much.

We’re lucky to live in an area of the country where there are good-to-great pizza shops every couple of blocks. I’m not kidding, this area is lousy with kick-ass pizza. Sometimes I’m just blown away by how good it is. It feels like we’ve ordered from 25 different pizza joints at my job alone. There’s a place called Pizza Bella and another called Gerry’s that are just fantastic. There’s always good pizza available, wherever you are. But up here… it’s an abundance of riches. I wish I had some right now.

Needless to say, I’ve also enjoyed my share of chain takeout pizzerias. I sometimes opt for a large three-topping pie from Domino’s for lunch. You have to order it online and pick it up, but it’s only $7.98. And Domino’s is pretty damn good these days. They had a reputation for being terrible for many years, but they’ve improved. And it’s difficult to shake a negative opinion of a business. Can you think of any that you originally hated, then came around to liking? In any case, they’re good and not great. Perfect for a quick and cheap lunch. And there’s always half a pizza left over for after work! I haven’t had Pizza Hut in years, but don’t have a negative feeling about them, either. I remember being lukewarm on Papa John’s and Little Caesar’s. I’d take Domino’s over them, unless my memory is faulty. There’s a place called Hungry Howie’s in Myrtle Beach that I always thought was pretty damn good, too. They’re a chain, but I don’t know much else.

What do you have on this subject? Do you have pizza opinions? Please unburden yourself.

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post I’m Going To Need Your Opinions On Pizza first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

A Few Quick Things, vol. 88

There’s some kind of wicked stench in my car, and I can’t find the source of it. It smells like rotting flesh. I have a feeling there’s a gone-rogue chicken nugget wedged somewhere, and it’s slowly decomposing. Last night, as I was leaving work, I found myself stretched across my backseat, shining the flashlight on my phone underneath the seats and alongside the console. And I can’t locate the troublesome tender. I just had to move my car, so the older boy could get out, and the stink was still hale and hearty this morning. I guess it’ll eventually just disappear, right?

On a related note, I’m thinking about trading that car for something newer. I probably should wait a few weeks now. But I run up the miles on vehicles, on account of my long commute. Three or four years ago I attended a management training course (super-valuable experience for sure) with another guy at work. It was in Rhode Island, and we rented a Chevy Cruze to drive up there. We loved the car so much we each bought one when we returned. I’m not kidding. So, we purchased them at roughly the same time, and yesterday I asked him how many miles his has on it. He said about 44K. Mine? Pushing 100K.

So, I want to dump that thing. There’s nothing wrong with it, I just want to trade it before it has zero value. Plus… the new car fever launch sequence has now been activated, and it’s hard to pull out of one of those situations. Stay tuned. Maybe I’ll post one of those duck-face gang-signal photos of me standing beside it? …Yeah, probably not.

Speaking of that, what in the hell is this “fam” shit that people are suddenly inserting into their sentences? I used to think it meant family, or maybe good friends (like family). But now it just seems to be inserted randomly into conversation. And it’s sometimes used in place of “Oh, man!” or “Holy shit!” Somebody will say something outrageous, and another person will exclaim, “Fam!” What in the everlasting hell?? I walk through life confused a good percentage of the time.

The Cincinnati Reds announced they’re going to allow 30% capacity at their stadium this year, and hopefully increase that number as the season progresses. That’s good news. Last year they had those weird cardboard cutouts in the stands. So there might be a golden retriever sitting beside an operations manager from Dayton sitting beside Edgar Allen Poe, etc. Plus, they used fake piped-in crowd noises for the TV and radio broadcasts. Getting back to good old fashioned dipshit humans is great progress. I’m looking forward to baseball. Spring Training games start this weekend, and opening day is April 1. Bring it on!

My friend Steve gave me a bootleg DVD of the Beatles “Let It Be” documentary. That thing has been out of print since, what, the 1980s? Something like that? It was never released on DVD, and was only on VHS briefly. I think Paul McCartney hates it, because it makes him look like a tyrant and an asshole. Whenever somebody posts it on YouTube it’s immediately removed. Somebody doesn’t want us to see it. Also… Peter Jackson was commissioned to make an alternative movie using the same raw footage. That will be called “Get Back,” and comes out this summer. I’ll wager that Paul comes across in a more positive light in that film. Just a hunch.

Somebody at work was telling me how “great” Smashburger is. I’ve never been to one, ’cause there are none around here. However… I’m going to be Smashburger-adjacent on Saturday. Any good? Or am I receiving faulty intel? What do you know about this important situation? How should I proceed?

And finally, I’m going to follow up on something I was talking about in a recent podcast episode. I was down here in the bunker, around midnight or so, and needed some food. I’d had a few craft beers that evening, and a hunger was taking hold. Then I remembered: there’s Chinese leftovers in the fridge! I think I literally squealed with excitement. For a question I’d like to know your favorite “midnight snack.” It could be leftovers, or any other thing. What do you go for, during a late night hunger attack? I also like a big bowl of cornflakes with bananas. That always hits the spot. But… Chinese leftovers might be at the very top of the pyramid. What do you have on this? Please share in the comments.

And I’m calling it a day, my friends. I’m going to launch the Friday email momentarily, then head off to work.

Have yourselves a great, great weekend!

I’ll be back soon.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post A Few Quick Things, vol. 88 first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

Check In: How’s The Weather Where You Are?

This morning, before I even had my first cup of coffee, I was outside shoveling and cleaning off cars again. And, once again, I left work early last night on account o’ the bullshit. It snows almost daily, and I am well and completely sick of it. That pic is the street in front of our house. It’s looked like that, more or less, for a month or more. It’s maddening.

It’s also very cold. The current temperature is 28 here, which is better than it has been. When I leave work most nights my car tells me it’s 8 or 14, and I have to YANK on my door to break the ice seal and get inside. I’m probably going to need Tommy John surgery before spring, because of all the amplified door yanking.

Winter before last I drove home in a hell storm and got trapped on Interstate 81 for a long time. It was excruciating. And the younger boy and I drove back from Philadelphia that same winter, after seeing a show, through one of the most nerve-racking, scary-ass snowstorms of them all. And I’ve driven through many of them. But no more. I decided, after those two events, that I’m not doing it anymore. I’m not risking it. I used to risk it, and felt an obligation to do so. But I reached a point where I said, “Nope, I’ve done my time. I did my three hundred sphincter-clinchers, and now it’s somebody else’s turn.” So, I stay home or leave early. Like I did last night. I feel like my obligation was met long ago.

I know there’s bad weather all over the place this winter. Please bring us up to date on your situation, wherever you happen to be. Use the comments section. And I hope you’re safe, and have electricity and water, etc.

The good news: Spring Training is underway. That’s a sure sign that warmer weather is on the way. Just think: in just a few short months I’ll be on here bitching about the heat and humidity! Ahhh, the cycle of life.

Sorry this one is so abbreviated. I feel comfortable blaming it on the relentless snow.

Tell us about your current weather, and location. And please consider subscribing to the mailing list if you haven’t. Right here. I’m sending out a recap email every Friday. I think it’s pretty good. Check it out, if you’re so inclined.

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great weekend!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Check In: How’s The Weather Where You Are? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.