Jeff Kay's Blog, page 3

Have You Ever Had A Paranormal Experience, Or Anything Of The Sort?

Sadly, I have not. I’ve been scared plenty of times, because I’m kind of a pussy, but have never experienced anything unexplainable.

Toney tells a story from when she was young and the entire family briefly moved to a farmhouse in Montana (I think). Please keep in mind that her mother is fully insane, and it’s hard to know why, exactly, they moved there. Toney says it was for a very short amount of time, maybe a month or less. And one night she woke up and saw an old woman, dressed like people in old photographs, ironing clothes. This scared her, of course, and she just pretended to be asleep. The next morning someone else in the family (can’t remember who) mentioned a weird dream they’d had about the same woman.

I have nothing like this. I do have a memory of a loud and brash woman wearing an outlandish hat, and over-the-top lipstick. I’ve asked my mother about it, but she has no idea what I’m talking about. I don’t have any reason to believe the woman was a ghost, but she’s mysterious. I have snippets of random memories from when I was very young, and that was one of them. There’s another when a little girl and I were drawing on a sidewalk with chalk, and some angry woman yelled at us for it. My mother remembers that episode, and finds it hard to believe I can remember it, because I was so young. But it’s not a story anyone had ever told. Why would they? As stories go, that one is pretty lame.

But I’ve never seen a ghost or a UFO or a bigfoot, or anything of the sort. I feel kinda left out, if you want to know the truth. I monkeyed around with a Ouija board as a kid, but apparently was unsuccessful in opening a portal to the other side. I think we tried to contact Babe Ruth but he was apparently too busy whoring, drinking and eating an inordinate number of hotdogs in the afterlife to waste time talking to a group of hillbilly children.

What do you have on this one? Anything? And if you’re like me, and gots nothing, please share your earliest memory. My mother’s mind was blown by mine.

Some random notes before I call it a day here:

On January 1 I posted a second column at nonewjeffs.substack.com. I got it in my head that I wanted to try writing a regular humor column about aging. At first I thought I’d do it weekly, but realized I was setting myself up for failure. So… I’m doing it monthly. The first day of every month I’ll post a new column at the Substack page. I wanted something separate from the Surf Report, so it’s focused and specifically about some aspect of aging and nothing else. Here’s some additional info. Check it out if you’re interested. You can sign up to receive the columns via email, or just visit the site every month. Or you can just ignore it altogether. It’s completely up to you, needless to say.Would you watch a two-hour documentary about a band you know almost nothing about? I did, over the weekend, and it was great. I knew of the existence and apparent importance of Radio Birdman, from Australia, but wasn’t super-familiar with their music. I might’ve encountered a song here and there on compilations, but never owned any actual albums. But I’m a sucker for a good music documentary, and theirs was always appearing on lists of the best. It’s called Descent Into The Maelstrom, and features all living members interviewed separately. Fantastic! Not all of them like each other at this point, but they all participated. It’s a great movie, and I’ve been listening to their music at Spotify ever since I saw it. I think I’m going to watch it again, maybe tonight.And by the way… I watched it on the Night Flight streaming service. If you’re into the offbeat and strange, you’ll probably enjoy it. It’s relatively inexpensive too. They have a fantastic collection of 1980s low-budget slasher films, for instance. And all sorts of unusual things, like the Radio Birdman documentary. I love it. I’ve got the younger youngling hooked on it too.Apparently all four of us are going to make a quickie visit to the Tampa area in early March. This is pretty much a definite, not one of our patented half-assed ideas that never actually come to fruition. My parents are down there, and we want to visit them in Florida. It’s something we’ve talked about doing for years, and never got around to following through on. We also want to scout that area as a possible “retirement” locale. I put it in quotes because I’ll believe it when I see it. But Toney does a lot o’ research and is currently zeroed in on that part of the country. Any thoughts on Tampa and surrounding towns? Please share.

And I’m calling it a day, my friends. I’m off from work today, and am going out shortly for a Dairy Queen burger & fries, followed by calendar shopping. Oh, I take that shit seriously. I need three of them, and they have to be the RIGHT ones. Not just some boring collection of sunrise photos, or whatever. I have to pencil in several hours for this project, and today’s the day. I always wait until right after January 1, ’cause the selection is still pretty good and the prices have been slashed. I know what I’m doing…

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Have You Ever Had A Paranormal Experience, Or Anything Of The Sort? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

A Few Quick Things, vol. 139

This is bullshit already. I’m starting to get this crap from every direction. At some point I’m just going to throw in the towel and embrace it. But not yet. It’s still new enough to piss me off and ruin my day. Everybody tells me not to worry about it and “just enjoy the discount.” I think that’s the exact wrong advice. Once you stop being offended it’s over. At some point my parents surrendered to it, but they fought valiantly for years. They didn’t just roll over at the first sign of trouble and start adding up their 40 cent discounts. No, “don’t worry about it” is horseshit. And Sue can pack it.

Also, check this out. This is the person Great Clips has on their website representing a senior citizen. Look at that guy! He makes my blood boil. Can’t you just see him at the block party talking about his investments, European golf vacations and extreme home improvements? And anyway, below is what people in their 20s see when they encounter anyone over the age of 45. Not Mr. Jauntily Glancing Over His Shoulder Douchebuckle Jones. Man, I’m getting all fired up.

As you might be able to tell, I’m working through some things. Heh. As mentioned last time, I’m now publishing a monthly column about various aspects of aging, from my particular point of view. Check it out at Substack. You can subscribe to receive each new column in your email, just visit the site every month, or ignore the whole thing altogether. It’s up to you. …Senior Haircut! Boy, that really smokes my halibut.

— Check out these photos taken by a dude with a cell phone, following the recent tornado devastation in Kentucky. That top one inside the theater, with the screen gone, is one of the best photographs I’ve seen in a while. That is amazing. Unforgettable, really.

I’m fairly terrified of tornadoes, always have been. I was in some kind of storm as a youngling, at Pirateland Campground in Myrtle Beach, where some campers were turned over and awnings were ripped clean off others, and sent sailing deep into North Carolina or somesuch. Scary! And when I was 9 the city of Xenia, Ohio was basically wiped off the map. It was in the news for days, and nobody could stop talking about it. All of that adds up to a deep-seated possibly irrational fear. Do you have anything like that?

— Have you read Larry David’s new piece about Christmas? Check it out. Man, that guy’s grumpier and more curmudgeonly than I am. Love it! I laughed out loud at the part about buying gifts (never without resentment). Hilarious. Reminds of this all-time classic of misanthropy and bitterness. It’s one of the funniest books ever.

— Here’s a holiday classic from the Surf Report archives. The Terrifying Twenty: Santa Edition!

— And here are some photos I took while visiting the Christmas Story house in Cleveland a few years ago. This is a then and now comparison. To tell you the truth, I wouldn’t recommend a pilgrimage to that place. It takes roughly seven minutes to tour the house, and the neighborhood is shabby and fairly run down. There’s a big-ass gift shop though, if you’re into that kind of thing. Steve bought a full-sized leg lamp for something like $200. I think I purchased a postcard. Have you been there? What did you think?

I need to call it day, my friends. I hope you guys have a wonderful holiday. I’m just looking to get it into the rearview mirror, and push on toward Spring Training (if there is such a thing this year). In any case, I hope it’s pleasant for all of us.

I’ll see you again soon!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post A Few Quick Things, vol. 139 first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

What Are Your Favorite Midnight Snacks?

I talked about this on the podcast recently, and would like to get your thoughts on the subject. I’d like to know what your favorite late night snacks are. I’ve mentioned that there’s not a moment of the day or night when I couldn’t eat a complete meal or lay down for a full night’s sleep. And that includes right after I’ve eaten a complete meal or had a full night’s sleep. So, I’m always hankering for one last food item before I climb atop the dormancy platform. And my favorites, as discussed in the episode, are:

A bowl of cornflakes, with bananas (when available)Two slices of toast with apple butterA bowl of garden salad (Ian in Scotland called the hotline and mocked me for this one)A slice (or two) of cold leftover pizza

I mean, I’ll go with whatever I can get. But those are the ones I especially enjoy. I hear people talk about leftover Chinese food, but I never have any leftovers. Whatever I get, I power through it in short order. I have never, not once in my life, put uneaten Chinese food into a fridge. But apparently that’s a popular choice? What do you have on this? Please tell us about it in the comments.

Speaking of food, a brand new Chick-fil-A restaurant opened near us yesterday (I think). Check out this news report, it’s quite memorable. I love Chick-fil-A, but I’m not waiting two hours (or one hour, or one half-hour) for fast food. Ya know? It’s insanity. And I like the guy who says he’ll always be able to tell people he was there on the day they opened. Then added, for some reason, the word “ceremony.” This thing will probably take up two full pages in his scrapbook.

Also, I enjoy the fact that people are getting out of their cars and talking shit each other. Hilarious. I’m not going anywhere near that cluster. And that woman is right, it’s not temporary. It’s going to be like this for a long, long time. A new Chick-fil-A opened in Wilkes-Barre about a year and a half ago, and it’s still pandemonium. Just unbridled craziness. Like I said, I love Chick-fil-A, but not that much. There are few things I would wait two hours for, and a fast food sandwich is not on the list.

Finally, I posted an article at Substack yesterday. I’m planning to publish a new piece there, discussing some aspect of aging, on the first day of every month. You can check out the first one here. And this is some additional information. If you’d like the monthly column to be delivered directly to your email inbox, please feel free to sign up. Or you can read it (or not) at the Substack website each month. It’s totally up to you. I always liked the idea of writing a column, like the old newspaper guys. And since I find myself talking about “getting old” all the time… I thought that might be a good subject to tackle. And it’s only once per month, so I’m certainly not over-extending myself. Check it out if you’d like, and leave a comment or whatever. It’s just something I’m trying out. We’ll see how it goes.

And I’m going to work now. I’m still working funky-ass hours, and it’s taking its toll. But I’m sure I’ll survive, right?

Oh, and speaking of that, I got my booster shot yesterday. I feel completely normal, just like with the first two injections. But I don’t want to get too cocky and have my aorta blow-out or something. But, let’s just say… so far, so good.

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post What Are Your Favorite Midnight Snacks? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

Who’s This Liver-Lipped Root Vegetable-Headed Sumbitch?

I’m monkeying around with yet another ill-conceived side project (more to come on that someday, maybe), and wanted a cartoon version of my tiny Duke head for use there. So… whenever I need something like that I make a beeline for Fiverr. I’ve had a lot of luck with that site, and there have also been a few misfires. I mean, you’re generally not paying much, so you just have to read the reviews, look at the samples and hope for the best. Often the results exceed my expectations.

But take a look at what I received back today. Yep, another one for the MISFIRE folder. Sweet Maria! It looks like I’m wearing lipstick, suffering a rampaging goiter, and enduring a bout of dangerous brick-house constipation. Also, my hair doesn’t look like that. It reminds me of the plastic Devo hair (with chinstrap) from the New Traditionalists era. Who is this bulbous sweet potato-headed mofo?!

Sometimes I ask for a revision (or two), but this time I just paid the guy and walked away. He’s in Indonesia, and maybe the ten bucks will go farther there than it does here? I have no idea. But this shit is both hilarious and unsettling. And there’s no fixing it. Right? There would be no point in requesting a revision. The lips straight-up freak me out! Good Lord. Whenever I look at them I think they’re going to start moving, and I’ll hear the voice of Satan or perhaps Clutch Cargo.

Hey, you win some and you lose some. Especially at Fiverr. At least I get to share the disturbing thing with you guys, right?

Speaking of disturbing, did you see the video of a female singer pissing all over a man’s face onstage a few nights ago? If not, and you’re so inclined, check it out here. What are your thoughts? I’d like to know. I’ve been to a lot of shows in my time, but never witnessed anything like this. I saw the lead singer of a band called Five-Eight get completely naked onstage, which was… memorable. And I saw John Lydon show his bare ass to the audience for far too long. It was too much of a terrible thing. I mean, Angus Young always flashed his bare ass in concert, but ol’ Johnny Rotten thrust his out there and let everyone take a long gander. It’s not something I need in my memory banks, yet it’s there and probably will be forever.

But I have never seen a person urinate on the face of a willing audience member before. Did you see the way he was whipping his head from side to side like he was reveling in the experience? Also, that was quite a load she unleashed there. She’s clearly a well-hydrated young lady. Was there steam coming off of it? I think there might’ve been. Incredible! Apparently this little stunt didn’t go over as well as she’d hoped, and she’s apologizing all over the place.

You’d never catch the Statler Brothers doing something like that.

I’ve had three days off from work, but now it’s time to return. Ugh. I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day, my friends!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! Or you can buy me a beer. God knows I love the beer. In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Who’s This Liver-Lipped Root Vegetable-Headed Sumbitch? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

Scary Shit On The Roads!

I’ve been working later than normal, on account of the nonsense, and was driving home a few nights ago after 1:30 am. I was on Interstate 81, Satan’s Superhighway, when I saw what looked like a dozen police cars, ambulances, fire trucks, etc. on the opposite side of the interstate. I was traveling northbound, and all of the southbound lanes were closed. And there was an enormous amount of activity going on over there, as well as a traffic back-up that went on for miles. Huh, not good, I thought, and turned up the Whitesnake or whatever.

But the next morning Toney asked if I’d seen anything while driving home the previous night. She said there was a wrong-way driver that crashed head-on into a tractor trailer, and one person was dead. “I did!” I shouted. Then we wondered, as we always do, how there are so many people entering major highways traveling in the wrong direction. And I added, as usual, my confusion about how people can’t just get out of the way of an oncoming car. “I think there’s a steering wheel in most vehicles!” I said, “Why can’t they just maneuver around it?”

Later, I read this article about the crash and it gave me a full-body shiver. Personally witnessing the enormous aftermath of it made it more real, of course. It’s horrible. I felt a little guilty for not waiting a minute or two, at least, before I goosed the volume on the hair metal.

The very next day, on Friday, I worked until 1:30 am again. And while I was driving home that terrible crash popped into my mind a couple of times during the 35 minute journey. But I was tired and annoyed and listening to an episode of Suspense, the old radio show. So, it wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. It just bubbled up every once in a while, and disappeared again. But near the end of the trip, as I was approaching my exit, some truly scary shit happened. And the previous night’s tragic event was front and center again.

I was approaching Clarks Summit, where I exit the Prince of Darkness Expressway, and… a small white or silver car went careening past me in the left lane going the wrong way! It was hauling ass southbound in the northbound lanes. If I wasn’t near the exit I might’ve been in the left lane too, who knows? And the part that really scared me? I didn’t see it until it was RIGHT THERE. For years I’ve wondered about that, but now I know. That guy was on me before I realized what was going on. The floor of my ass nearly fell out.

I’m sure all the color drained out of my face, to the point where even Jack White might’ve said, “Dude, you look a little pale.”

I mean, what the hell?? What is going on out there? I’ve been driving for more than 40 years and had never experienced such a thing. I was about to call 911 when I saw two police cars heading that direction with lights flashing, so I was reasonably sure they were aware. By the way, how do they stop someone traveling in the wrong direction on an interstate highway? How does that work? Regardless, it was very scary. Both of us traveling at 65 or 70, heading straight at each other? I’m going to take some possible liberties and say that it’s not ideal.

When I got home I quickly downloaded a police scanner app and tuned into the Lackawanna County Sheriff feed, or whatever it is. And I didn’t hear anything about it, so I don’t know. Maybe I wasn’t listening to the right thing?

Anyway, have you ever encountered something like that? I don’t recommend it. It’s the worst non-snow-or-ice-related thing I’ve witnessed on 81 since a guy a couple of car lengths ahead of me BLASTED a giant deer that seemed to just appear out of nowhere a couple of years ago. It looked like the car just went straight through it, and turned the animal into a blood mist. It all came raining down on my car, and the next morning there was blood and fur all over the front two-thirds of my Chevy Cruze. That was also a Jack White moment. Sweet sainted mother of Ross Grimsley!

If you have any similar tales to tell, please share in the comments. Yikes!

And I’ll see you guys again soon. If you’re hankering for more, I did upload a fresh episode of the podcast today too, if you’re so inclined.

Have a great day, my friends!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Scary Shit On The Roads! first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

Where Were You In Some Random Year? Vol. 1

Let’s go with 1998, shall we? What did you have going on during that year? Was it happy times… sad times… something in between? Please tell us about it in the comments. I’m sure some of you will make me feel like a broken down old sack and say something hurtful like, “I was in third grade.” For the record, I was 35 years old in 1998. And for some reason that terrifies me. Thirty-five is not exactly young, and it was a long time ago. So… connect the dots on that shit and you’ll get to the source of my concern.

In any case, we were living in California in this house:

It was in a town with two names: Canyon Country and Santa Clarita. Literally half of our mail was addressed to one, and the other half to the other. Is that not weird? Canyon Country sounded cooler to me, so that’s the one I used. The house was on a cul-de-sac and nearly everyone who lived there was involved in the entertainment industry in some way. There were a couple of construction guys who built sets on movie lots, a woman who was a professional shopper (if you can believe it) for doodads and accessories used on TV and movie sets, a writer for King of the Hill, and a full-time employee of Adam Sandler. Everybody had kids roughly the same age and they all played together, which was pretty cool. A couple of times per year we’d put road cones at the end of the street and have a big drunken block party.

That was the best part of the California adventure — our little neighborhood. However, there were problems there, too. For one thing it was always hotter than the devil’s peehole. Some days it would get up to 112 or 114. Insane! And there were all sorts of scary-ass creatures out there, like bizarre snakes and coyotes and prehistoric-looking birds that could swoop down and carry off a toddler or maybe even a beer cooler. Our garage was loaded with black widow spiders, and so were all the neighbors’ garages. I mean, WTF?? That’s far from ideal. But it was a neighborhood built in the high desert. What could go wrong?

Toney and I both worked in Burbank, at WEA Home Office:

I liked and admired the people I worked with, but the job wasn’t great. It was a giant music company, but we could’ve been selling umbrellas or light bulbs or underwear and wouldn’t have known the difference. When I worked for the same company at the Atlanta branch it was a party atmosphere, closer to what you’d think working for a record company would be. But home office? No. Just meeting after meeting after meeting. So freaking corporate… I didn’t care for it from the start. I liked the fact that the building was located directly across the street from the main gate of Warner Bros. Studio, and we had access. So we had lunch at the commissary many times. Or just walked around and checked things out. I encountered many celebs over there, including George Clooney, Drew Carey, and the entire cast of Friends.  That was undeniably fun.

An interesting bit of trivia: My direct boss at WEA home office had previously been in a band that was very popular in New England, who opened for the Rolling Stones on their 1965 U.S. tour(!). He’s the one on the right in this picture. He was great, one of my favorite bosses. Check out this song they recorded in 1964. Pure awesome.
Also, Toney was pregnant for most of that year with our second kid. She was working on a plan to leave WEA and start an in-home daycare business, which required tons of preparation, insurance policies, background checks, etc. This was a way to stay at home with the two younglings, and still have some income. I had to undergo an FBI background check myself, and submit to fingerprinting and all that jazz. Our second son was born in November, and she ran that daycare until we left in early 2000. It was horrific. Our home was transformed into a sustained-cacophony diaper and booger hut. I don’t think the 2021 Jeff Kay could handle that level of noise and chaos. But, you do what you gotta do. Right?

Here’s a picture of our two boys, a couple o’ years later, out yachting. The 1998 boy is waving at you guys. Say hello.

What were you up to in 1998? I was under a lot of stress that year, and walked around with a sphincter so cinched-off you couldn’t have fed a straightened paper clip through it. But, we were on an adventure and the adventures are what make life worth living. Right? What do you have on this one? Please tell us about it in the comments.

And I’m calling it a day, my friends. Have a great one.

I’ll be back soon.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Where Were You In Some Random Year? Vol. 1 first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

I Don’t Want To Jinx Myself, But I Have Very Little Experience With Car Crashes. What About You?

The only time I’ve ever been involved in a true “crash” was when a dumbass high school friend drove his car — with me in the backseat — straight into a telephone pole on Myers Avenue in Dunbar. I think he was monkeying around with the radio, not paying attention, and just slammed straight into the pole. I remember one of the hubcaps, or wheel covers, came rocketing off and ended up about 20 yards away. And it was red hot for some reason when we picked it up. Nobody was hurt, but the dude’s car was all gnarled and smoking. It kinda pissed me off, as I recall.

Other than that… I’ve been pretty lucky. Or maybe not lucky, just really good at what I do. That’s how I prefer to think about it, but feel like cockiness might jinx me. So, we’ll go with lucky.

There were a couple of small incidents that I wouldn’t categorize as crashes that are also worth mentioning. One time an ex-girlfriend and I were at a stoplight and kissing (this is when I was about 17 or 18) and my car started inching forward and I bumped the guy in front of me. He jumped out and began waving his arms around and shouting about us “horny ass kids” (accurate) and telling us to “get a room” and all that stuff. I guess he’d been monitoring us with alarm in his rear view mirror. Heh. There was a lot of shouting and gesticulating. But there was no damage and he eventually drove away. My girlfriend and I then started laughing hysterically and couldn’t stop for a good long time.

Another time I was with my friend Bill in his dad’s pickup truck. We were smoking cigars (who the hell knows?) and Bill was trying to relight his and drove into a guardrail. It was at a curve in the road and the truck just followed the guard rail around that big curve while making a sickening grinding noise. The thing was all scratched up and dented, and we kept repeating, “Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit.” But I think Bill parked the truck on the street with the crushed-in side on the outside, and it was believed somebody had sideswiped it during the night. I don’t think he got into trouble for it, if I recall correctly.

But that’s about all I have, thankfully. Toney was involved in a bad wreck one day in Atlanta when a tractor trailer slammed into the back of a car she was riding in. The trucking company had someone out there within minutes, she said, trying to get them all to sign papers and accept checks for $1000 or whatever. All three girls were hurt, but none seriously. It happened days before Halloween, and Toney remembers one of her friends being lifted into an ambulance while wearing an elaborate bumblebee costume. Ha! This was before Toney and I started dating, but we worked at the same place and I drove past the aftermath of it. Scary! Thank God they were all OK.

I don’t have much else to report. I’ve witnessed some crashes, and happened upon a few shortly after they occurred. There were also a few close calls — including one with my parents just last week. But none with me directly involved. What about you? Have you been as “lucky” as I’ve been? Please tell us about it in the comments.

Before I call it a day here, I’d like to invite you to stop by the new podcast website. Right here. It features photos and expanded show notes. For instance, I just returned from a trip to West Virginia, where I visited my folks. I summarized the whole thing in Episode 220, and you can check out some pictures (old and new), as well as a few links that further illustrate some of the stuff I referenced in the episode. Check it out if you’re so inclined. If not, that’s cool too.

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post I Don’t Want To Jinx Myself, But I Have Very Little Experience With Car Crashes. What About You? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

Now That EVERYBODY Is On Tour Again, Have You Bought Any Tickets?

I have, but a lot of it has to do with my kids. Specifically, the older boy. He keeps asking me — before I’ve even had a single sip o’ coffee early in the morning — if I’d like to go see someone with him. Here’s what we have booked so far:

Bill Burr in Bethlehem, PA. We’ve had these tickets for a long time. I’m going with the older boy, and am looking forward to it. I’ve been to some standup shows* during my life, but it’s been a while. Many years, in fact. This one will be fun, I have no doubt. I think the boy ambushed me, like described above, and tickets were purchased before I was halfway through my first cup of Eight O’Clock Bean Coffee. It’s a very vulnerable part of my day, and I think he knows this.

Rolling Stones in Pittsburgh. I’ve never seen the Stones. I had opportunities when I lived in Atlanta 25 years ago, but thought they were past their prime, even back then. Ha! Mick just turned 78, roughly the same age as my parents. The older boy had to work on me for this one. I said no, right out of the box. ‘Cause the tickets are very expensive, and Pittsburgh is far from here. It would require an overnight hotel stay, and maybe two days of PTO burned. But he reminded me I said the same thing about the ticket prices for Tom Petty in Philly, and Tom was dead six months later. “Aren’t you glad we went?” he asked. So… fast forward to 30 minutes later and we’re ordering breathtakingly expensive concert tickets. Now I find out Charlie Watts won’t even be there. Oh well. It might be fun. We’ll see. This one makes me a little nervous. It’s going to cost us a thousand bucks, I think, when you add it all up. And that’s straight-up insane. I saw Queen for $11.

Louis CK in Reading, PA. These tickets were purchased a couple of days ago, following the latest early-morning ambush. I’ve never seen the “disgraced comic,” but think he’s some kind of genius. Brilliant, for sure. Yeah, he’s a flawed sumbitch. But this one didn’t take too much convincing. I was all-in from the jump, as they say. This will be the third time the older boy has seen Louis, and I’m touched that he wants to go with me this time.

Eels in Philadelphia. This one isn’t until next spring, but tickets are already on sale and purchased. I’m going with both boys, and Steve. I’ve seen the Eels more than any band, by far. It’s gotta be ten times or more at this point. Heck, I saw them at the Roxy in Los Angeles, when we lived out there. And many times in Philadelphia. I’ve seen them multiple times at the Theater of the Living Arts, multiple times at World Cafe Live, the Keswick once, Union Transfer once, a Unitarian church once (bizarre!), and maybe others that I’ve forgotten. We never miss an Eels show. Never!

And those are the shows we have on the docket so far. Who knows what tomorrow might bring? Do you have anything booked? Please tell us about it, won’t you?

*Here are the standup shows I’ve seen during my ridiculous life:

Steve Martin at the Huntington Civic Center, at the height of his white-suit, arrow-through-the-head “wild and crazy guy” fame. Fantastic!

Jay Leno at a deli in Charleston, WV, way before The Tonight Show. That’s right, a deli in Charleston, WV. He was hilarious.

Sam Kinison at the Greensboro Coliseum. The tickets were free, through Peaches somehow. I went with a guy named Eddie, from the store. It was madness.

Jeff Foxworthy, closing out a WEA convention. I was disappointed that he was doing the closing night, because it had previously been people like Prince, Iggy Pop, and Rod Stewart. But the man is a pro and had that place rocking with laughter.

Robert Schimmel in a hotel bar, somewhere in California. Possibly Anaheim? This was also at a WEA convention, but wasn’t on the main stage. It was an after-hours thing, open to convention folks after the regular festivities were completed. I’m not kidding… I laughed so hard and so often I was sore the next day, like I’d done a thousand sit-ups or something. That guy was filthy and incredibly funny. RIP Robert. And RIP Sam too.

I can’t remember any others, although it’s possible I’ve forgotten one or two. Have you seen any big-time comics? Please tell us about that, as well.

And I’m calling it a day, my friends. Have yourselves a fine, fine weekend.

See you again soon!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Now That EVERYBODY Is On Tour Again, Have You Bought Any Tickets? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

What Are Your Thoughts On The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet?

I know there’s a lot of snobbery when it comes to buffets, and that’s because many of them are terrible and attract shouty people in Ocean City 2017 shirts with buzzcut hicklet children named Colt, and whatnot. Indeed, places like Old Country Buffet and Golden Corral are one step up from school cafeterias, and that’s impossible to defend. However… there are good alternatives, and folks should not paint with too broad a gluttony brush.

On the latest episode of the podcast I talked about an amazing buffet Toney and I visited on Friday. It’s located in the heart o’ “Amish country” and is called Shady Maple Smorgasbord. It had a distinct Las Vegas-feel, with the sprawling dining room and grand mal-triggering carpet. And the buffet itself was enormous — roughly the length of a football field, it felt like. In addition to that impossible spectacle they had several kiosks where you could get made-to-order burgers, hot dogs, cheesesteaks, NY Strip steaks(!), and many other things. It was crazy!

After we paid our entrance fee (just $15 each during lunch hours) and was assigned a table, we went to work. And mister, the shit was good. At a lot of those types of places you can tell some of the vegetables are from a can, and plenty of corners were cut across the (smorgas)board. But not here. Everything tasted like it was straight outta grandma’s kitchen. The pot roast, in particular, was perhaps the best I’d ever tasted. I hope my mother isn’t reading this…

I’d been hearing about this place for years, but Friday was our first visit. It’s about two hours from our house. Heh. Have you ever driven two hours to eat lunch at a buffet? In any case, I told Toney in advance that I planned to get my money’s worth. I was doing mock stretches in the parking lot preparing for battle. And I did some decent damage, but wasn’t totally happy with my performance. I hit the wall after a small garden salad and three sizable plates of food. It felt like a true professional would’ve been able to push through the pain. I was beating myself up for quitting at the first sign of trouble. Sure, I believed I might vomit or shit myself, but have a feeling that’s what separates the men from the boys. Once your body threatens to revolt and eject something in protest, or the hallucinations start to kick in, it scares the amateurs and they abort the mission. True nirvana is reached only after you summon the strength to push through the terrifying part. And I behaved like an amateur.

I did, however, have two desserts. So, I’m proud of that. I can’t say I really enjoyed either of them, but made them disappear via sheer stubbornness. Later I nearly passed out (and I’m not joking in the least) during a tour of the Troegs Brewery in Hershey. I went into detail on the podcast, but it had to do with the fact that I was loaded to capacity with mashed potatoes, gravy, beef, and apple cobbler, plus a “welcome beer,” and an incredibly hot room where they store the grains and barley in that place. I’m not kidding, I thought I was going to collapse. But I maintained…

What are your thoughts on the buffet? And what are the best ones you’ve ever encountered? When we were in Vegas we had breakfast at one every morning, inside the Mirage. It was shockingly expensive, but also top-notch. They always asked if we wanted to add “unlimited beer and wine” for an additional $15 each. It was 9:00 am! Also, there’s a giant seafood buffet in Myrtle Beach that the boys love, called Crabby Mike’s. They go into some kind of wild frenzy there. I’m not really a seafood kinda guy, but appreciate the over-the-top abundance in that place.

What do you have on this subject? Please share in the comments.

And I’m going to try to get back on track with these updates. I’m not even sure what happened, and the excuses don’t really matter anyway. I’ll do better.

Have a great day, my friends.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post What Are Your Thoughts On The All-You-Can-Eat Buffet? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

I Need Your Feedback On Hot Dogs And Hamburgers

How goes it, boys and girls? As I type this it’s a wondrous Monday holiday. And, because I’m always fond of super-sizing, I took tomorrow off as well. So, I’m in the midst of a big honkin’ four-day weekend. Like I say, wondrous.

I just finished watching the Reds defeat the Phillies 11-1, it’s sunny here (but not super-warm) and there’s a six-pack of one of the best beers in the world in the fridge upstairs. Have you ever had Zombie Dust IPA from 3 Floyds Brewing? Holy shit bulbs! The first time I tried it was at Backyard Ale House in Scranton and was blown away. We don’t see it in stores very often, but Wegmans had it today for $14.49 for six. Rather expensive, but check out the Beer Advocate rating if you don’t trust my word on it.

I’ve also been listening to The Beatles Channel off and on. They’re counting down the top 100 favorite Beatles songs, as chosen by fans. They do it once a year, always over a holiday weekend. Peter Asher is the host and he’s great. He tells stories and drops interesting factoids throughout, that even a big Beatles nerd like myself hasn’t always heard.

So yeah, this has been a really nice day so far. Pass the beer nuts.

In a short while I’ll be up there tending to the grill, cooking hot dogs and hamburgers. And that always makes me happy too. I love the simple burgers and dogs. How can you go wrong? It took a quarter-century or so, but I’ve become very good at manning the grill. Oh, I now turn out some quality charred meats, my friends.

And I have some questions relating to that, if you don’t mind. I’d like to get your thoughts on a few things.

First of all… if you could only choose two, which way would you go? I’d probably go with one of each. I know some people are snobby about the dogs, but I love ‘em. In fact, at any given moment I could launch into a Babe Ruth-style hot dog frenzy that would only end when I blacked out. But I love burgers too. So, I’d have to go with one of each. What about you?

What brand of hot dog do you prefer for home consumption? I think we generally get Nathan’s, but I also see Ballpark Franks occasionally. We were talking about this at work a few days ago and several people mentioned Berk’s. I’m not familiar but am intrigued enough to check it out. Do you have a real preference?

And, what are your go-to hot dog toppings? I have several that I like. Yesterday I had two with mustard, onion, and cole slaw. I also like ‘em with just mustard and onion, and sometimes with mustard and sauerkraut. The classic West Virginia dog is mustard, onion, chili, and cole slaw. If I have all the ingredients I’ll go that way, but it’s rare that I have all four.

I’ve told the story about us being in Florida when I was a kid and seeing a sign outside a restaurant that said ‘We Serve West Virginia Hot Dogs!’ or something along those lines. We were completely confused by this and went inside to investigate. As it turns out… they simply offered slaw as a topping. We had no idea that it was unusual. Everybody ate slaw on their hot dogs, right? Apparently not.

Indeed, even inside the state it’s controversial. Folks up north don’t generally go for the slaw, while it’s popular in the southern part of the state. There’s something called the “slaw line” that dissects West Virginia, and there used to be a sign along the highway where the line supposedly runs. I grew up way down South, deep in slaw country.

Also, what are your go-to burger toppings? I like to pile it on. At home I usually go with lettuce, tomato, onion, ketchup, and mustard. Occasionally bacon too. When I got to Five Guys I sometimes get all that stuff, plus green peppers. Man, that’s solid. Two popular toppings I avoid: pickles and mayo. I can tolerate a little mayonnaise, but the pickles are a hard no.

I have a pretty good handle on the prep at this point, but feel like I could do better with the buns. Any tips will be appreciated.

UPDATE: Dinner was good, and I’m halfway through Zombie Dust number two. Fantastic!

I’ll see you guys again soon.

I hope you had a great holiday.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

 

The post I Need Your Feedback On Hot Dogs And Hamburgers first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.