Jeff Kay's Blog, page 5

Have You Ever Experienced Sleep Paralysis? It’s Some Scary Shit!

A couple two tree random things before we get started here:

I’m scheduled to get my first dose of the vaccine tomorrow afternoon. It’s through my job, and I signed up the moment I was eligible. Needless to say, there’s differing opinions on it. But I’m totally onboard. We have to get this shit behind us. So we can get back to baseball stadiums, concert halls, and a normal non-stilted trip to the goddamn Cracker Barrel. Oh yeah, and for health reasons too, I suppose.Yesterday I randomly chose a pair of underwear from the drawer that caused me great discomfort throughout the day. It wasn’t a tightness issue, it was the way they’re designed. There’s a mashing effect, and not enough give. Know what I’m talking about? There has to be some give! An uncomfortable pair of underwear can flat-out ruin your quality of life. Yet, at the same time… a comfortable pair is rarely appreciated. It’s like some jobs I’ve had in my life: I was only noticed when something went wrong. I was nothing more than a corporate ball sock. In any case, I will be more careful with my selection today. And, perhaps, a weeding out should happen soon?I recently stopped at a Sheetz convenience store on my way home from work and ordered a grilled cheese sandwich: Swiss and cheddar on sourdough, with a slice of ham. And as I was standing there waiting on it to be prepared this dude walked up and started engaging a touch screen. Hey, whatever. Portly men with dinosaur feet need to eat too. Also, the sandwich was delicious, in case you were focusing on all the wrong things.

The main topic I was planning to write about is something that happened to me a half-dozen or so times when I was a kid. It was before fifth grade, I know, because it happened at our first house on 21st Street. Are you familiar with something called sleep paralysis? I saw it mentioned somewhere online recently, and it triggered some unpleasant memories.

It’s where you’re asleep but dream you’re awake — and paralyzed. It’s genuinely terrifying. Your heart starts pounding, and it feels oh-so-real. I also recall trying to yell for my parents and not being able to do that either. Like I say, it happened maybe five or six times, all when I was young. But, thankfully, not once after 6th grade or so.

Have you experienced this horror? I’ve read that people have had heart attacks as a result of sleep paralysis, and I can believe it. It’s terrible.

I also had a dream, around the same time, that my parents were killed in a nightclub fire. I mean, they weren’t hanging out in too many nightclubs at the time, so there were plot holes. But it was so detailed and real that I remember my grandfather breaking the news to me and my brother, and seeing the news reports on TV. I can see the outside of the smoldering building in my mind. It still gives me a full-body shiver when I think about it. Crazy!

Thankfully that insanity stopped — after puberty? I don’t know the science behind it, but I’m happy it ended.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? Do you know what I’m talking about? Share your stories in the comments section, if you’re so inclined. Also, did you ever have a scary dream a long time ago that still haunts you? Not a “really weird dream” with Harry S. Truman, Mr. Whipple, and a salsa band. But something that was full-on terrifying? Please share. And, by the way, what do you think our Sheetz friend dreams about? I’d like to get your thoughts on that too.

And I need to call it a day, my friends.

I’ll be back soon, very soon.

Have a great weekend!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Have You Ever Experienced Sleep Paralysis? It’s Some Scary Shit! first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

A Few Quick Things, vol. 33

The younger boy, as he’s known, came down to the bunker an hour or so ago and showed me the photo above on his phone. He asked if I’d ever heard of Mark Cohen, and I said, “Of the Nashville Cohens?!” Which is both confusing and not nearly as funny as I’d hoped.

Turns out, Cohen is a photographer who did most of his work around here — in the Upper Pierogi Belt. The picture he showed me was taken in 1976 and is titled Boy In Yellow Shirt Smoking. It’s reportedly Cohen’s most famous shot, and it was snapped in Scranton. I was not familiar, but instantly intrigued. I started doing some Googlin’ and that dude is pretty damn amazing. Here’s a good overview, and this is another. And here’s an odd bit of footage of him walking around Wilkes-Barre just walking up to people on the street taking their pictures — complete with obnoxious flash. I don’t really understand how somebody hasn’t kicked his ass yet, especially when he starts photographing peoples’ legs, and shit like that.

In any case, his photos are fantastic and right up my alley. I love stuff like this. He calls it “intrusive street photography,” which seems like a good descriptor. I feel like I might become a bit obsessed with this guy and his work now. And I didn’t know anything about him 90 minutes ago. A fresh obsession!

— And since we’re on the subject, here’s perhaps my most famous shot. It’s entitled Mr. Funnelpants Checks His Balance. I’m selling prints for $10,000 each. Serious inquiries only.

— I had a small but significant victory this morning, my friends. It was a long time coming too. For the past decade, maybe more, I’ve been attempting to secure the URL adsvsreality dotcom. Some sleazy company owned it for years, and was attempting to sell it for thousands of dollars. But I kept an eye on it, and noticed the asking price recently started dropping. It was still too much for me, but it got all the way down to $599 at one point. Still deep in “funk dat” territory, but it got my hopes up. Maybe those pirates were souring on it, and might eventually let it go? Then there was a mysterious auction that took place… I wanted to bid on it, but got spooked when the auction site asked me to send a photograph of my driver license, and a selfie of me holding the license. I mean, what the hell, man? It bugged me that I had to pass on the opportunity, but something felt off about the whole deal.

And today I just randomly checked it at GoDaddy, like I do a couple of times per month, and it was available! Not at a premium price, but just a regular everyday URL. I think I actually pumped my fist in the air and quickly purchased it — for $12.99. I should’ve bought it many years ago, when Ads vs Reality was popular and kicking. But it never occurred to me, ’cause I’m dumm. Oh, I probably won’t do anything with it (or maybe I will?), I just didn’t like the idea of someone else owning it. Is that weird? I didn’t think so.

— I’ve never dabbled with facial hair, except for one brief and mortifying era in California, but have about six days worth of growth going as I type this. It started over the weekend, rooted in nothing but laziness. Then the snow came, and I took Monday off from work, which super-sized the half-assery. By Tuesday I had something going, something I’d never seen before. And I’m letting it ride, baby! At least for the time being. Toney says it looks “terrible.” But it’s new to me and I find it mildly fascinating. It’ll be gone by Monday, for certain. But for now I’m just seeing what happens.

— I believe I mentioned this already, but I’m not sure about it. A few weeks ago I re-launched the weekly email. It comes out every Friday, and is a summary of all the Surf Reporty stuff that took place during the previous week. I think it’s pretty good. If you’re not signed up, you can rectify that here. And if you are signed up, and don’t want the emails, that’s cool. Just unsubscribe. It won’t hurt my feelings. Well, maybe a little. But I’ll survive.

— Earlier today I was listening to this Tom Petty album via Spotify. And mister, that thing is one of the most transporting albums of them all. For me, anyway. Several years ago there was a higher level of chaos than normal at the House of Kay and Toney and I were unable to take vacation together. Something to do with the hooligans. So, we decided we’d each take a trip alone. Toney met her sister in Myrtle Beach, which was kind of a cheat in my book. But I literally went on vacation by myself. I spent several days at Long Beach Island, NJ… all by myself. And during that trip I listened to that TP album nonstop, for reasons unknown. Now, when I play it or even hear a song from it, I’m transported back to that weird, disconcerting week. I wouldn’t do a beach trip alone again, I don’t think. I didn’t much care for it. I do love Tom Petty, though. A little more with each passing year, in fact. And that album has some kind of spooky quality that makes me slightly uneasy, but it’s a good kind of uneasy, if you can dig it.

Do you have anything like that? An album or song or even a smell, that takes you right back to some specific period in your life? At my previous job, which was inside a manufacturing plant, there was an area that I passed through on my way to the cafeteria every day that smelled EXACTLY like the old Dunbar Bowling Alley of my youth. Probably some cancer-causing agent that I was whiffing, but it always triggered a powerful nostalgia inside me. What do you have on this? Anything? Also, what are your thoughts on vacationing alone? It seems like a good idea, in abstract. But when it got down to reality… it wasn’t good for me.

And I need to call it a day, my friends.

I’ll see you guys again soon!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post A Few Quick Things, vol. 33 first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

Have You Ever Won Anything Significant While Gambling?

I was talking to my dad a few days ago and believe we were discussing the recent billion dollar lottery jackpot. And he reminded me that a friend of his often proclaims the $10 scratch off ticket as the “best bet in all of gambling.” I’ve heard him say that before, and find it interesting. Sure, it sounds like the kind of standard bullshit you hear blowhards say all the time. But this guy is no blowhard, and he definitely knows a thing or two about what he’s talking about. I still don’t fully believe him, mind you, but he’s not just some mouthy asshole trying to act like a big shot. So…. I’ve decided to test it out. The best I can, anyway. Over the weekend I started the $10 Scratch Off Project. The way it works: every weekend I’ll buy one (and only one) $10 scratch off ticket, and on Mondays add the results to the tracker. I plan to do this for a year, and see where we stand at the end. It won’t tell us if it’s the absolute “best bet,” but we should definitely know if it’s a good one. I think it will be fun.

And for the record, I’m not a gambler. Never have been. I never buy scratch offs and rarely play the Powerball, and that sort of thing. I mean, I generally spend $10 per year on gambling, not $10 per week. So it makes me a little uneasy. It feels like flushing cash down the ol’ poop catcher. Heck, when Toney and I were in Las Vegas a couple of years ago I spent zero dollars on gambling. And we were there for more than a week. It’s just not my thing. But I’m doing it for the project! I think it will be interesting. I just hope it doesn’t flip some switch inside me and I become a degenerate gambler, like that guy who owned the sporting goods store on The Sopranos. That poor bastard ended up hanging himself! I’m terrified of the demons lurking inside me. Wish me luck.

Also, what’s your relationship with gambling? What’s the most you’ve ever won? What’s the most anyone you know has ever won? I used to talk to a guy on the phone at one of my other jobs. He worked at a CD pressing plant in California, and hit a multi-million dollar jackpot. That guy quit instantly and I never spoke to him again; he was out of there like shit through a goose. And who can blame him? Anyway, let me know what you have on this.

This a quickie, but I need to go to work. It’s snowing out there, so it might turn into one of those sphincter-clampers. OMG… I’m so sick of all this crap. The snow, the ice, the biting wind… I think I’m right on the verge of adjusting my official ranking o’ the seasons. More on that in a future update. Maybe.

Before I go I’d like to invite you to give the new podcast episode a listen. Right here. I think it’s a pretty good one.

Have a great day, my friends.

I’ll see you again soon.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Have You Ever Won Anything Significant While Gambling? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

What Type Of House Would $250,000 Buy Where You Currently Live?

Last night Toney and I watched two episodes of a new show on HGTV called Self-Made Mansions. It’s basically House Hunters for people who recently became self-made millionaires. It’s an odd premise, but whatever. We watch these kinds o’ things. And there were a couple of things that struck me:

Both couples seemed appreciative and grounded, not cocky and demanding like many people we see buying high-end homes on those types of programs. Yeah, I only saw two episode, which is a small sample size, but both couples seemed genuinely grateful. It was so unusual, I noticed it right away.Also, despite having almost identical budgets, the types of houses each couple had to choose from were wildly different, because of where they lived. I mean… strikingly different.

The first couple was in Charlotte, and had an $800,000 budget. And the houses they looked at were sprawling and luxurious, with a crazy amount of square footage. I don’t know if you’d call them mansions, but they were really, really nice.

And the second couple was in Portland, OR, with the same approximate budget. But the houses they looked at were similar to the one we live in here. I mean, it’s not bad, but nowhere near what those Charlotte folks were contemplating. It was amazing.

Today I thought I’d take a trip through Zillow and see what $250,000 would buy me in the various places I’ve lived during my life. Toney informed me that $250K is the average home price, so that’s why I chose it. And before we get started… I want you to know that I tried to choose a representative house for each city/town, I didn’t go with anything trying to be dramatic. So, let’s get started, shall we? I’ll do them in backwards chronological order.

Clarks Summit, PA

This one’s about $240K, in the town where we currently live. Here’s the listing, if you’re interested. It’s 3 bedrooms, 3 baths, 2083 square feet. It’s a ’70s throwback, but there’s a pool table.

Santa Clarita, CA

I had to raise the price to $300,000 on this one, because I was only getting results for land — no actual houses — at $250K. This one is listed at $279,999. It’s a 700 square foot, 1 bedroom, 1 bath condo built in 1985. Here’s the listing. “Cozy” and “super-cute” don’t bring me much comfort.

Lithonia, GA

I’m not sure why there are random shutters missing, but whatever. This home is listed at $260,000. It has 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, 2976 square feet. Here’s the listing. Looks nice! They need to place an order for at least six new shutters, though. Maybe there was a windstorm?

Atlanta (Virginia Highland area)

Atlanta is huge, so I limited my search to the area near where we lived. This is a 2 bedroom, 1 bath condo with 723 square feet. For $240K. Check out the listing if you’re interested. That area is not cheap.

Greensboro, NC

This one is listed at $249,000. It’s 1942 square feet and has 3 bedrooms, 2 baths. Here’s the listing. The inside looks nice. Reminds me of the house my parents had after they inexplicably moved to Charlotte for a few years.

Dunbar, WV

This is the most expensive house currently listed in my hometown. It’s $219,000: 4 bedrooms, 3 baths. There’s no square footage listed, but it’s big. Here’s the listing. I hope you love paneling!

So, there you go. The outliers, of course, are Southern California and our old neighborhood in Atlanta (where we were renters). The rest are relatively similar. Well, the Dunbar house is cheaper and probably bigger, and the one in Lithonia is big too. But it’s not as dramatic a difference as Charlotte vs. Portland on that show we watched last night. That was insane.

If you’d like, please share a link of a $250K house listing where you currently live. I used Zillow, but any will work.

And I’m calling it a day, my friends.

Have a great one!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post What Type Of House Would $250,000 Buy Where You Currently Live? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

Have You Cut The Cord? Would You Recommend It?

There’s been some discussion here at the House of Kay about possibly shitcanning our always-rising cable bill and going with an all-streaming alternative. I feel like I’d be cool with it, ’cause I watch very little TV. But some other members o’ the family might feel differently. At least that’s what I anticipate. Have you done this? Does it really save much money? I mean, once you pay for internet, a primary streaming service, and all your add-ons… it feels like it would be only slightly lower than a regular cable/satellite bill. Am I wrong?

Another question: if you go with YouTube TV or Hulu Live, or one of the other similar services, do you miss anything? Do you suddenly realize that something isn’t there anymore and throw your hands into the air out of frustration? I have a feeling there would be something I didn’t even think about, until I went to watch it. Then, “Dammit! This is utter bullshit.” I need some guidance on that as well, my friends.

A few days ago Toney called our cable company, Comcast (which is very expensive, but incredibly stable), and asked the price to keep only our high-speed internet. Wanna guess? No, it’s even more than that. It’s $125 per month. Crazy! But that’s the center of the whole streaming universe. Right? You can’t be expecting to stream everything, and have shoddy internet. Then, if you add Hulu Live at $65 per month, you’re at $190. I think they have some kind of DVR service with that, which is good. But it’s still a lot of money.

And we have too many streaming services right now, which I’m paying for out of my personal allowance money, not the family budget. I need to get rid of some of them; it’s getting out of hand. Here’s what we have:

Netflix (feels essential)
Hulu (has Seinfeld and It’s Always Sunny, so it’s staying)
Amazon Prime (good stuff, always interesting and surprisingly cool)
HBO Max (love it already, especially the Turner Classic Movies section)
Disney+ (almost certainly the first one to go, after I power through the Pixar films)

We also get ESPN+ as part of a package deal, and that’s useless, except for the 30 for 30 documentaries. They have all of them, and they’re great. Maybe when baseball season starts? I don’t really pay for this one, but it hasn’t been very exciting so far. I could drop it and not miss it.

So, you see what’s happening? I don’t want to add it all up, but if I did it would be a breathtaking amount of monthly dollars — just for TV/internet. And I don’t even watch very much TV. The problem? Those streaming services are all really freaking good. It’s all right there at your fingertips, and that brings me comfort. Someday I might want to watch something specific, and need it to be there for me. I don’t really want to give up any of them, to be honest. Disney+ is the weak-link, but even it’s kinda good.

What are your thoughts on this? Help me out, won’t you? Has cutting the cord worked for you? Did it really save you much money? Or is it a fool’s errand? If it worked, let me know which “live” streaming service you’re using. Any downside? I need all the help I can get. Also, which of the add-on streaming services do you have? Is my lineup excessive? It feels like it is. But I was talking to somebody at work recently who scoffed at it, and proclaimed it “for beginners.” He had many, many more than I do. And that made me feel a little better. If you had to give up one of them, which would you choose?

Please bring us up to date on all this, if you’re so inclined.

Also, if you’re dying to hear my Appalachian accent through your earbuds, you’re in luck! Here’s the latest podcast episode.

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Have You Cut The Cord? Would You Recommend It? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

Remember When Shopping Malls Used To Be Kinda Fun?

Not anymore. At this point malls offer little more than expensive clothing for the young and angular, jewelry stores (why so many jewelry stores?!), hideous shoes, and unreasonable underwear for high school girls. I don’t really fit into any of that (so to speak). On the rare occasion Toney drags me to one of those places I almost instantly lapse into a semi-catatonic state. Here’s an Instagram account that does a great job documenting this phenomenon; these are my brothers.

It wasn’t always this way. As impossible as it might seem I can recall a time when I didn’t object, or even secretly groan, when somebody suggested a trip to the mall. There was stuff for me there, things I didn’t mind checking out. Do you remember? What happened?! It would be easy to blame it on the age difference, but I don’t think that’s it. The 1983 Jeff Kay would’ve been bored as shit with the current malls too. Oh, he might’ve been young and angular, but hip and shockingly expensive clothes was never an interest. No, a time-traveling me would be equally despondent. ‘Cause there’s nothing there for me now.

Here’s some o’ the stuff that used to make it kinda fun:

Record stores. At the Town Center Mall in Charleston there were two: Camelot and National Record Mart. Camelot was fairly lame — a standard mall record store. But NRM was fun. I genuinely liked exploring in there, and found some surprisingly cool things on their shelves. The NRM in the Huntington Mall, also not far from where I grew up, was even better. For whatever reason they had an AMAZING cutout bin. Cutouts, in case you’re unaware, were albums that had been discontinued by record companies, and were being sold at a very low price. Sometimes just a dollar, but usually $2.99 or thereabouts. Most of it was garbage, of course, but there were treasures mixed in if you had the patience to look. And mister, I had the patience. I discovered some of my favorite records of all time in the NRM cutout bin at the Huntington Mall: the first two Undertones albums, All Mod Cons and This Is The Modern World by The Jam, and the original Nuggets compilation. That shit was electrifying!

Book stores. I mean, they weren’t the greatest, but they weren’t bad. We had the two standard offerings at the Charleston Mall: B. Dalton and Waldenbooks. Both had a ton of magazines, which I always enjoyed. If my girlfriend wanted to do a deep-dive on clothes shopping, or whatever, I might wander over to one of the bookstores and check out their roughly one million magazine titles. Sometimes I even bought a few of them. I was always a magazine guy, especially anything to do with music. But also baseball, National Lampoon/MAD, photography, travel, and anything else that caught my eye. I liked those stores. I bought a bunch of books there too.

Pet store. I know these are frowned upon nowadays, but my girlfriend and I always made a pilgrimage to the pet store at the Charleston Mall. We used it as nothing more than a dog zoo. Ya know? But it was enjoyable to walk over there and take an extended gander at all the puppy-mill cuteness. I don’t remember any cats at the zoo, but there might’ve been some. I’m all about the hounds, and always have been. I think my mother bought a dog at one of those places once, on a complete whim. She named him Tojo for some reason, and he later turned into a diarrhea cannon. He could shit thirty feet, on a good day.

Heaven. This is an obscure one, but a few of you might know what I’m talking about. It was part of a chain, and there was one in the Charleston Mall during the early days. They sold rock t-shirts and kitschy things. All very hip and cool. In retrospect… seems like an odd choice for 1984 Charleston, WV. In any case, I loved that place. They sold retro candies, from elevated candy counters. They were way up in the air, so you could feel like a little kid looking up. Get it? And they sold stuff like Zotz, which you didn’t see all the time. Also, in the back they had a small selection of vinyl LPs. There I discovered a record label that was totally new to me at the time: Rhino Records. Again, electrifying! I bought a surf rock compilation that blew my mind, and a collection of songs by the 1960s garage rock band The Standells. I believe I purchased an album by the Chocolate Watchband there too. Do you see why I didn’t object to going to the mall then?! Here are some pictures of a young Sharon Stone sporting a Heaven sweatshirt.

Food court. I was wildly sheltered as a youngster, when it came to food. Even Americanized chain restaurant Mexican felt like the complete outer limits of exotic back then. So, when they opened that crazy food court at the Town Center Mall, with all those different offerings, it was amazing to me. They had a Greek restaurant up there, and Chinese, maybe even Indian. All sorts o’ things. They also had a Chick-fil-A and a place that made really good cheesesteaks, called Steak Escape. And they had all those mysterious places like Corndog on a Stick (WTF?) and Orange Julius. Oh, it was mesmerizing. It felt like a trip around the world every time you went to the third level of the mall. Fun stuff!

Arcade. I was never a big video game nerd, but always loved pinball machines. So, this wasn’t a huge draw for me, but I enjoyed the fact that arcades existed. The downside: it was always very hot, and there were too many asshole 13 year old boys in there. Also, it never smelled very good, probably on account of the two things just mentioned in the previous sentence. So, not my favorite. But the fact that they existed made me happy for some reason.

Today? Nothing. Unless you’re in the market for an over-priced diamond bracelet, or a pair of banana-yellow skinny jeans. You can’t even get those giant chocolate chip cookies anymore. Man! There’s nothing for me there anymore. And I reject the notion that I’m outside the demographic now. It’s just boring. Oh, I used to like to watch dipshits climb into that hurricane machine. That was just a couple of years ago. Have you ever seen one of those? It’s a booth that you climb into and experience hurricane-level winds. That was fun. I always hoped someone would totally freak out and turn the whole thing over, but it never happened. Now it’s gone too. Oh well. And there’s still Spencer’s, which is shockingly trashy. I went into one this past weekend and couldn’t believe some of the stuff they sell in there. Trashy!

What’s your current relationship with the mall? Do you buy anything there? I do buy shirts from JCPenney sometimes, and maybe sneakers at Shoe Depot, or whatever that place is called. But other than that… nothing. What about you? Tell us about it, won’t you? Also, if I’m forgetting anything from the old days, please remind me. Like Chess King? Ha! Ludicrous.

I need to call it a day, my friends.

I’ll see you again soon!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Remember When Shopping Malls Used To Be Kinda Fun? first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

Are You A Collector? What Do You Collect? Tell Us About It

In 1975 I was 12 years old, and obsessed with baseball. During that summer my brother and a couple of friends decided we were each going to attempt to build complete sets of that year’s baseball cards. And we were going to do it the only way we knew how: by buying pack after pack after pack of cards. They went for 15 cents each that year, which is equal to about 75 cents in today’s money.

This became an obsession for me and my friend Steve. Some of the others were less enthusiastic, and a couple dropped out without completing the task. I remember typing, on an old manual typewriter, my own homemade checklist. There were 660 cards in the set, and I sat down and typed in long columns every number between 1 and 660. Then I began marking the numbers off as I purchased more and more packs.

By the time we reached a point where we each only needed thirty or forty cards we could buy many packs and not get any of the ones we needed. Of course we traded with each other and helped one another as best as we could. But there was a time, late in the season, when we were all buying tons of baseball cards and not moving the needle whatsoever. Plus, it felt like every pack I opened included the Los Angeles Dodgers pretty-boy Steve Garvey, and it was maddening. “Not Garvey again!!” I’d scream, standing outside Wagner’s Market, or Bowen’s Pharmacy. We were beginning to panic, because time was running out. And fucking Steve Garvey and his freakish forearms taunted us again and again.

But we powered through and completed our sets without resorting to mail order or anything of the sort. And the weird thing? By the end we weren’t chasing stars, or household names. No, it was obscure sumbitches on teams we didn’t care about. I feel like Topps purposely printed fewer of a handful of random players to take advantage of nerds like us. It was crazy! By the end of the summer I was spending almost all of my paper route money on baseball cards. Indeed, we were buying out all the stores of their entire stock, and would have to ask our parents to take us to neighboring towns to buy cards. At K-Mart and Murphy’s Mart they had these see-through display packs, which hung on pegs. But you could see six cards in each of them: three on the front and three on the back. Man… we plundered those bastards like the addicts we were. If one of your missing cards was visible it was like Christmas morning.

My brother, Steve and I completed our sets. Everybody else quit or came up short. And it was one of the most exciting and enjoyable summers o’ my young childhood. So much fun! Eventually we bought plastic sheets and put the cards into notebooks, and I still love those things. Just looking at them makes me happy deep down.

Then it got even crazier. We started buying cards through the mail, participating in auctions and subscribing to magazines about the hobby. The two main mags were Sports Collectors Digest (still around today!) and The Trader Speaks (long gone). I remember early in the process we found out about some outfit in Dearborn, MI, called The Trading Card Company. They had some kind deal where you sent them a small amount of money and they’d send you a random card from a long time ago. The first one I received was for a player I didn’t know — Moe Drabowsky — but it was from 1957. And man, that was like receiving a jolt of electricity. I romanticized the shit out of that card, imagining some kid having it before me, back during the Eisenhower era, and it just blew my mind. So cool! It almost felt like time travel.

And that was how it started. Steve and I went into it full-on. For a few years it’s all I thought about. I was quite literally obsessed. My Dad took my brother and me to a baseball card convention near Cincinnati one year, and I bought a complete set of 1954 Red Man tobacco cards. I occasionally ran display ads in Sports Collectors Digest, at the age of 13 or 14, and was just running wide open on that shit. I used to place ads in the local Penny Saver too, and bought cards off people all around the area. WANTED TO BUY! People couldn’t believe it that somebody would hand them cash for those old cards in the back of the closet. This was before the hobby became so insane. Most people still thought of it as something for kids.

But eventually it did become insane, and I tapped out. Prices went way up, and I couldn’t afford it anymore. Also, I became more interested in beer, music, and girls. Not necessarily in that order. But it was a great run. There’s something primal inside me that still gets very excited by old baseball cards. Just looking at that Drabowsky card, for instance, does something to me.

Did you ever catch the collecting bug? Steve still has it, and never really quit. He travels all over and is still deeply involved in sports collectables. He has an enormous collection. What have you collected? Did you ever reach the point where it was a true obsession? Or was it always fairly casual? Tell us about it, won’t you? Use the comments section.

And I’m calling it a day, my friends. As is the tradition, I’ll now link to the latest podcast episode right here. In it I share a long list of things I’ve never done. Check it out, if you’re so inclined.

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post Are You A Collector? What Do You Collect? Tell Us About It first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

The Good Vegetables vs. The Bad Vegetables!

What’s your relationship with the veggies? I encounter a surprising number of people — adult humans — who reportedly never eat them at all. Except, they always say with a smirk, french fries and potato chips. This is foreign to me. I’ve always loved nearly every vegetable, since I was a little kid. I don’t know how this happened. I believe my brother is fairly picky in that regard, and we were raised by the same people at the same time.

I’ve been known to order the vegetable plate at home cookin’ style restaurants, forgoing all meat options, for no other reason than I like it. And nearly every weekend I prepare a gigantic salad here at Chez Kay, and Toney and I work on it ’til it’s gone. I love a good salad. In fact, I insist on using so many things, Toney asks me to prepare it with just the core components: lettuce, tomato, onion and cucumber. And keep all the additional stuff separate. I often have radishes, green peppers, and celery on the side. Sometimes other items. Toney doesn’t want to commit to all that, and wants saladic options.

And it’s not just the standard vegetables I enjoy, I also go for some of the more controversial offerings. I love, for instance, brussel sprouts. And just a few days ago I was super-excited to learn that Cracker Barrel had boiled cabbage available that day; I went to town on that shit. I don’t consider broccoli to be controversial, but many people do. I love it. Same goes for cauliflower.

Needless to say, this isn’t because of health concerns, or anything along those lines. No, I’m not super-invested in that sort of thing. In fact, I eat lots of garbage passed to me through laziness holes carved into the side of various “restaurants” around town. I just sincerely enjoy vegetables, and eat them when I can. And I also like fast food, and eat that too.

However… there are a handful of vegetables I don’t like. These are the bad vegetables, in my opinion. They are: any kind o’ squash (probably not even a vegetable, but gets lumped in), zucchini (same thing?), asparagus (blecch), and sweet potatoes (blecch again). I also have only limited exposure to turnips, and don’t know enough to have an opinion. Same goes for okra. I’ve had it in gumbo, and stuff like that. But am not qualified to pass judgment.

What are you thoughts on this? It’s very important that I know.

On a related note, I also like most beans. The one exception that jumps to mind is black eyed peas. Not good. They taste like dirt to me. I’ve tried multiple times, even at great soul food restaurants in the South. Not a fan. Here’s a bowl of Great Northerns I made a couple of weeks ago. My grandmother called ’em “white beans,” and I’ve been trying to re-create the ones she prepared when I was a kid. This latest batch was close, if not right on the money. It’s taken a long time, but I think I’ve finally unlocked the mystery of the sacred white bean. Those are chopped onions on top.

In your opinion, what are the good vegetables and what are the bad ones? And if you have any beanpinions, feel free to share them, as well. Use the comments section, so thoughtfully provided by our WordPress overlords.

Also, check out the latest podcast episode where I tell the story of how I ended up selling meat door to door at one particularly dark point in my life. You can listen here, or wherever you get podcasts.

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post The Good Vegetables vs. The Bad Vegetables! first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

I Feel Like I’m The Oldest Person In Every Situation

I’m starting to get paranoid. I find myself routinely surveying the people around me, and looking for someone (anyone!) who might be a little older than I am. And I often come up empty. I’m an old man at this point, and don’t even like to tell people my age. This is a relatively new development, maybe the last three or four years. I never volunteer my age, ’cause the number is frightening to everyone within earshot. Sure, I know all the cliches:

You’re only as old as you feel
Age is just a number
You’re not getting older, you’re getting better
60 is the new 40 (or whatever the fuck)

And others that I’m probably too old to remember. Those things can be packed deep. Also: Who cares what people think? That one can be packed, too. It’s not so much what people think, it’s how I’m going to feel about the situation when they recoil in horror. I’m not concerned about them so much, I just don’t need my fears confirmed. Ya know? Here’s another one:

Well, it’s better than the alternative

That’s certainly true. But it’s true in any situation. “Man, it’s hot in here!” “At least you’re not dead.” “My new shoes keep squeaking.” “It’s better than being in a grave.” “This burger is overcooked.” “I knew somebody who roasted alive in a warehouse fire, and I bet he’d love to be here to eat that overcooked burger.” So… that’s no comfort to me. It can also be packed.

Recently I find myself getting defensive about my age too. Like at the self-checkout stand at the grocery store… It bugs me greatly when one of those zit-spangled little shits comes over and asks if I need assistance. Why me? Why are you asking me in particular? Believe it or not, despite my gray hair, I know how to operate this complex apparatus. I can even successfully navigate the purchase of a Roma tomato — utilizing the convoluted produce lookup tool — if necessary. I’m able to figure it out. So quit hassling me, Adolph Zitler.

The same thing happened at a restaurant over the weekend. It was one of those deals where you have to scan a barcode to bring up the menu, and the over-caffeinated anorexic waitress wanted to hold our hands through the process. I blasted her with my eyes and she scampered away to probably drown her sorrows in a comically-elongated can of Rockstar or whatever. I go on and on about it in the latest podcast, if you’re interested.

Anyway, I’m becoming one of those grouchy old bastards who sees conspiracies around every corner, and in every shadow.

Ready for another cliche?

I don’t feel old, I feel like I always have.

I guess that’s good, right? But the tiny (but loud) cynic who lives inside my head whispers that it’s all a false sense of comfort. Oh, you’re old, he whisper-shouts, make no mistake about it. I know… And I realize there are lots o’ people actually older than I am who are probably sneering at my concerns. And I do find small comfort in the fact that my parents are 21 years older than I am, and have apparently been having the time of their lives for the past 10 years or so. That makes me feel a little better.

How are you doing with the aging process? Have you reached my level of insanity yet? Bring us up to date on it, won’t you?

And I’ll see you guys again real soon.

Have a great day!

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post I Feel Like I'm The Oldest Person In Every Situation first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.

We Haven’t Had Any Heat At Our House Since Thursday Evening!

When I came home from work on Thursday night I walked through the door and bellowed (to nobody), “What in the long sleeved shit?! Why is it so cold in here??” I walked straight to the thermostat and gave it a little extra juice. Then I went to bed an hour or so later, without thinking any more about it. But when I got up the next morning Toney told me the furnace wasn’t working at all. Ugh! What if it’s dead? Visions of a $3000 replacement bill started dancing in my head.

But it’s even worse than that. We can’t even get anybody to come out and look at it. Toney called our normal place and they said “maybe Monday or Tuesday.” Then on Monday it became “maybe Wednesday.” It’s freaking cold in here! So, we called other places and it was an even longer wait. One guy said the end of next week “if all goes well.” That’s no good.

So, we went through the weekend with no heat. Toney and I got into a mini-argument about buying a space heater, but it was eventually purchased. It helps in the living room, but the bedrooms are like sleeping out in the yard. It’s crazy. We’re stacking blankets like Little House on the Prairie. And, fueled by the low temps predicted for the next couple of nights, I’m now worried about our pipes freezing.

And nobody will even come out to take a look at what might be causing the problem. We’re in a frosty-ass holding pattern. It’s bullshit. I feel like checking into the Hilton in Scranton and just letting the chips fall where they may.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without heat or electricity or some other vital utility? I’m sure some of you who live in hurricane or earthquake areas have some REAL horror stories to tell. This is only Day Four for us, but it’s taking its toll. It feels like a tomb in here. And Toney has all the blinds down, believing it will help, which only makes it sadder and more demoralizing. The gloom is taking me down!

What do you have on this subject? Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?

And I’ll be back soon. Hopefully in a warm and toasty state.

Have a great day, my friends.

UPDATE: We now have heat again. A person came out today and was here for more than seven hours. He said we had “stacked” problems, meaning more than one. It wasn’t a cheap fix, but I don’t have any suspicions he was scamming us in any way. Something called an aquastat was the main culprit. Who the hell knows? I’d never heard that word before in my life. All I know is… it’s warm and toasty in here again. Pass the beer nuts.

Support the Surf Report with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon, and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). In Canada? Do your holiday shopping at Amazon! Thank you, guys!

The post We Haven't Had Any Heat At Our House Since Thursday Evening! first appeared on The West Virginia Surf Report!.