Jeff Kay's Blog, page 9

What Do You Think About This “Poop Calendar” Somebody Posted On Reddit?

The first thing that crossed my mind when I saw it? If I’d thought of something like that, I definitely would’ve done it! Especially ten or so years ago. In any case, this is supposedly a yearlong recap of some unknown Reddit user’s asstivity last year. As you can see, there are three possibilities: zero, one, or two shits per day. I guess that’s reasonable, but what I find to be amazing is all the BLUE days, which signifies zero. Zero shits. I don’t want to get too personal here, but my calendar would be almost 100% brown, with a smattering of red. A mere 4.1 poops per week? I don’t understand that; it’s not a world I know. Maybe he lives in Wisconsin and can’t get enough of the local cheeses? I’m unclear. One thing I can almost guarantee: he’s not a coffee drinker. Also, Thursday is poop day? What’s that all about it? It’s bizarre. I linked to this at Facebook, but people were afraid to click through. I guess they thought it was a photo gallery? Heh. Understandable. Let me know your thoughts on this important matter. Use the comments section, and I’ll see you guys again soon.

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

Clumsy Translation Shirts! Transfer The Fun Berry!!

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

Why? Why? Why? vol. 14

Why? #1: I recently overheard two people (purposely vague) talking about how they MUST sleep while wearing socks, and I find this to be bizarre if not borderline psychotic. I know it’s a matter of personal preference, but how in the name of all that’s holy could somebody prefer such a thing? It’s crazy. Why not a windbreaker or a snoozing Stetson? Just the thought of wearing socks to bed makes me edge toward a panic attack. Also ridiculous: sleeping in the nude every night. And, on the other end of the spectrum: getting all trussed up in a full set of 1950s button-up pajamas. Why would you wear a suit to bed? There’s only one proper dress code for the dormancy period: t-shirt and underwear. Who’s with me?! …Hello?

Why? #2: I’m sure there’s some nerd-as-all-fuck reason for it, but I’ll ask anyway. Why is there a NUMBER LOCK key on the computer keyboard? What possible reason would the average person have to turn off numbers? Why not a VOWEL LOCK? Or a PUNCTUATION LOCK? Other crap I don’t understand on the keyboard: END, SCROLL LOCK, and PAUSE BREAK. I have no idea what any of that is and don’t want to know. I have a feeling it’s all a holdover from the days when computers used punch cards and that sort of thing. Am I wrong about that? Regardless, the NUMBER LOCK key is the worst of them all. It’s always getting engaged by mistake, and triggering momentary confusion, followed by fast-moving white-hot rage. Especially when I’m attempting to enter a password and none of the numbers are going in. Man, I’m getting all worked up just thinking about it.

Why? #3: At this point, in the year 2020, why does it still feel like I hear the Spin Doctors on a daily basis? They’re always out there, everywhere I go. It feels like those two or three radio hits have soaked into the universe somehow, and I just encounter it all like oxygen. I hear them in grocery stores, blasting over the PA system at gas stations, as bumper music on TV and radio talk shows… Why them? Of all the big ’90s bands the Spin Doctors MUST be the ones I hear most often. Everywhere I go… everything I do… there they are again! It’s not that I hate them (not really), I just find it curious how something like that could happen. How does such a deep, deep saturation occur? We’re not fully conscious of it but I believe we’re all living under the spell of the goddamned Spin Doctors every day of our lives. Sweet sainted mother of Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong!

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

Tell Us About Your First Apartment! How Old Were You? What Kind Of Furniture Did You Have? Did Anything Crazy Happen There?

That’s Sedgefield Gardens in Greensboro, NC, where I rented my first apartment at the age of 22. I ended up living in three different units inside that place across four-or-so years. It wasn’t bad at all and is apparently unchanged (according to the pics) from 30 years ago. The legendary Peaches Records, where I worked, was maybe a mile from there. I could’ve walked, but never did. I mean, seriously… A mile?? What am I, in the Iron Man competition? And by the way, the phone number at Peaches was 852-3926. Somehow I remember that.

In any case, the most memorable Sedgefield Gardens era was definitely the final one, when I lived with my brother in a two-bedroom unit. I think that lasted for about two years, and it was non-stop dipshittery and ridiculousness. Yesterday I recorded a new podcast episode describing the “highlights” of that adventure. You can listen wherever you get podcasts, or right here:

I’d love to know about your first apartment after you moved out and were on your own. Please tell us about it in the comments. Did you have real furniture, or was it just crap you cobbled together like we did? Shit! I can still smell that weird elongated couch. Where did it come from? The city dump?? I have no idea at this point. What kind of crazy stuff happened there? Bring us up to date on it, won’t you?

And I’ll see you guys again soon, very soon.

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

Weird Old Ads: Please Help Me Understand What’s Going On Here

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

Random Notes! Some Links! A Few Quick Things!

It’s been one hell of a week, my friends. And it ain’t over. Already today I’ve had my windshield repaired, although the guy couldn’t tell me if it’ll pass inspection. I gave him the international sign for WTF? but he would not abandon the company line. We’ll see tomorrow, I guess. What a bunch of turd jugglers.

Today I need to go to work early (again) so I’m just gonna share some quick links. But there’s some good stuff here; no reason to despair.

Firstly… our friend Metten has started blogging at the old Mockable domain and posted his first update on Boxing Day. Check it out: A Glove Compartment Full of American Cheese Food. Welcome back, Metten! This is going to be fun.
I saw an interesting article linked somewhere recently and wanted to get the feedback of Surf Reporters on it. Here it is: 75% Of Adults Aren’t Friends With Any Of Their Neighbors. I’m just curious, are you part of the 75 or the 25? I’m definitely part o’ the former. But I have the Half-Shirts on one side… and the owners of a ludicrous high-stepping killer poodle on the other. I’m not taking all the blame here. Although I am fairly reclusive and antisocial. Oh well. Let me know where you stand.
A few nights ago I re-watched a highly-entertaining 17-minute documentary from 1986, called Heavy Metal Parking Lot. Are you familiar? Two guys went to the parking lot of a big music venue in Maryland, before a Judas Priest/Dokken concert, and spoke to some of the folks there. It’s one of those concepts that’s so simple and pure it makes me jealous. If you haven’t seen it, and have even the tiniest amount of curiosity, check it out. It’s a lot of fun. It’s EXACTLY like it was when I was in high school. There’s also an interesting Where Are They Now? follow-up, during which they show up unannounced at the home of the so-called “Zebra Man.” Yeah, that’s some good, awkward stuff.
Last night I watched the first three episodes of a show on Netflix called You. It’s possibly the worst title for a TV show in history, but that’s neither here nor there. It’s some wild shit so far, and I’m already invested. Have you watched the show? It’s twisted! Don’t spoil it for me, but I’d like to know your thoughts on it. And by the way… the lead character is VERY reminiscent of Nostrildamus. For what it’s worth.
And finally… in the new episode of the podcast, I explain why this has been one hell of a week. I tell you about my car trouble (which featured a mouse nest under the hood!), my first visit to a doctor in seven years, and how I’m apparently going to be shitting in a box soon. Listen here. It’s a fun episode! Please check it out.

And I’m going to work now. Urgh. This tweaked-out schedule is taking its toll on me. I crave normalcy! When will the normalcy return?

Have a great day, boys and girls.

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

Another Twisted Childhood Memory!

Yesterday morning I was talking with my brother on the phone and one of us brought up a picture our dad used to carry in his wallet. This was when we were very young, but both of us remember it vividly. It was a weird-looking man, or possibly woman, with a very long neck. And he would supposedly tell people it was a picture of his wife and take pleasure in watching them struggle to come up with a diplomatic response. He found great joy in their discomfort and the general awkwardness of the moment.

And while we were talking I did a simple Google search for “ugly woman,” and there it was! The same exact photo, on the very first page of results. Do any of you know it? Was it some famous thing from the 1960s? Is it something that went viral during the Johnson administration? I’d love to know more about it. Had you ever seen it before today? If you know anything, please help me out.

I sent the picture to my dad’s smartphone, which he still hates and complains about on a consistent basis. He was forced into using one by his pay-as-you-go provider, and he’s extremely resentful. But I gave him ten minutes to see the photo and called him up. I asked if he remembered it, and he said, “Oh yeah. I carried it in my wallet for several years. I still have it. I saw it in a drawer just a few days ago.” He couldn’t remember where he got it but assumes a friend gave it to him somewhere along the line. I asked him why he carried it, and he confirmed that he liked to tell people it was his wife. When I asked why he stopped he said, “I don’t think your mother appreciated it very much.” Ha!

He wanted to know how I had it, and I attempted to explain. But I don’t think he really understood what I was saying. Then he asked a very good question: “How in the hell do you remember that? It was from 50 years ago.” I told him I wasn’t sure but have been thinking about it. I now believe I remember it because it’s kind of twisted, and also something to do with my dad. You know, a couple of the things I’ve always loved?

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

A Great New Addition To The Bunker Collection!

I’m going to have to get this thing framed, so it’s not currently on display. But it will be soon, and I’m excited to have it. In my home office, I try to surround myself with small tributes to the things that have meant a lot to me and have long craved something from Jean Shepherd. But he’s fairly obscure (criminally), and the right piece never really came along. He’s now known, if at all, as the person behind A Christmas Story. Which annoys me somewhat… It’s like when people only know Warren Zevon as “that Werewolf of London guy.” Wow! That’s just a scratch on the surface of the tip of the iceberg.

Jean Shepherd had a radio show in New York City from the late 1950s to 1977. It was a 45-minute nightly program, usually airing from 11:15 to midnight, I believe. And he told stories from when he was a kid and from his time in the army. Or he might discuss some obscure thing he saw in a newspaper, or just play kazoo for most of the show. You never knew what you were going to get, but you knew it was going to be great. He was hip and funny and smart, and one hell of a storyteller.

Dr. Buford, a longtime Surf Reporter, hipped me to the man many years ago, and it was right in my wheelhouse. I ended up procuring mp3s of all of Shep’s shows that have survived, and it’s more than 800 episodes. I’ve listened to all of them at least once, many of them multiple times. They’re great! Especially the ones from the 1960s. That’s when he was hitting on all cylinders. All the big scenes in A Christmas Story were tales he told on the radio show and also wrote about in his books. His books are also great.

In any case, most of the Jean Shepherd stuff you see on eBay (or whatever) is Christmas Story-related or paperback copies of his books. Most photos of him are from the 1970s for some reason, when he was bearded and looked like Mr. French from Family Affair. I wanted something from the ’60s, and preferably something authentic. I’m not 100% opposed to a photo reprint but preferred something original. And I finally got it! This is a 1966 photo from the picture files of a newspaper, to coincide with the release of Shep’s first book. Here’s the back of it.

And if you want to learn more about Jean Shepherd, here’s his Wikipedia page, and this is a good article from The Atlantic about him. This is a great song by Donald Fagen (from Steely Dan) inspired by Shep and an article by Fagen about the man.

Do you do anything like this? Surround yourself with items that pay tribute to important stuff that kinda, in some small way, made you who you are? I’m not talking about family, I’m talking about writers and musicians and artists, and that sort of thing. Please tell us what ya got, or what you’d like to have in that realm.

And I’ll leave you now with my favorite photo of Jean Shepherd. Is that cool, or what? If I could find a vintage version of it or a large framed copy, I’d snap that shit up in short order. I saw a magazine article years ago that showed an NYC apartment with a huge wall-sized version of it. I experienced a pronounced case of wall-envy that day. Why can’t my walls be that cool? Hey, I’m trying!

Have a great day, my friends.

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!

Surf Report Classic: The Gallery Of Scary-Ass Santas!

IT FEELS like I posted this last year, but it was two years ago already. Why is time moving at such an accelerated clip now? Sheesh. In what will feel like just a couple of quick years I’ll find myself at “would’ve been 90.” It’s upsetting.

In any case, two Decembers ago I scoured the internet for the most disturbing old Santa photos I could find and posted my 20 “favorites” at the site. And I’d like to alert you guys to it once again; it’s one hell of a gallery. Please check it out here. Oh, I looked at a lot of weirdness that day, my friends. And I ran it all through the Jeff Kay filter and narrowed it down to the 20 I found to be the most troubling. Enjoy!

Also, notice that “Support us by doing your shopping at Amazon” thing at the bottom? That’s what got me booted from the program. Grrrr… I really like that Regrettes album, though.

Have a great day!

Ads Vs. Reality: The Burger King Taco!

THESE THINGS have been around for a while now, and (needless to say) I’ve been intrigued. I was fired up and ready to go all-in on ’em during the week they were released. But a guy at work took the wind out of my sails a bit. He got to them before I did and offered up a lukewarm review. He didn’t completely trash the things but was obviously underwhelmed. If I were a person who used the phrase “meh,” that might be how I’d characterize his review. And who wants meh? Not meh.

But today, on a whim, I announced to the family I was going to Burger King and buying up a sack of those bastards. “Who wants in?!” I shouted. Toney and the older boy politely declined, and the younger boy said, “Are you serious? You’re going to eat one of those terrible things?” I corrected him and let him know I was going to eat FOUR of those terrible things. He shook his head in disgust, got in his car and drove away. We haven’t seen him since.

For the record… the ride to BK and back was harrowing, my friends. I don’t think anyone is at home this Saturday before Christmas. They’re all out there stimulating the economy with fervor and gusto, and gumming up the works. Sweet sainted mother of Oil Can Boyd! I was away from the safety of my home for roughly 14 minutes and almost suffered an emotional collapse.

In any case, the tacos are much thinner than the advertisements portray them. In fact, they’re smashed flat. When I removed the first one from its holster I was not impressed. I mean look at that sad and flaccid thing. There couldn’t be much meat or fixin’s in there, right? And the tortilla or taco shell or whatever you want to call it felt tough, not crispy. The first bite didn’t do much to dispel my concerns, either. It was nothing but tortilla and taco sauce. “OK, this is bullshit,” I mumbled. But I got a hit o’ meat with the next bite, and some lettuce too. Huh, not bad. They’re kind of tasty, in fact. The sauce is fairly mild but has a small amount of kick. And when you get everything together in a single bite, I’d go so far as to say they’re pretty damn good.

I polished off all four of them with no problem and could’ve taken down one more. Heck, they’re only a dollar each. So I’ll keep that in mind next time: five is the magic number.

Let’s not get carried away and proclaim the Burger King taco “good stuff.” But it looks much worse than the ads and tastes a lot better than the reality. I rate it a respectable 6 out of 10.

What are your thoughts on this latest delicacy? Please share ’em in the comments.

And I’ll see you guys again soon!

Support us with a monthly $4 donation at Patreon , and get an extra podcast episode every week! We’re also at Venmo (@thewvsr) and PayPal (jeff@thewvsr.com). Thank you, guys!