Jeff Kay's Blog, page 12

Do You Have A Problem Doing Things Alone? Like Eating In Restaurants Or Seeing Movies Or Even Vacationing?

I generally don’t. I’m introverted and thrive on alone time. In fact, I crave it. There’s a limit, though. I’ve lived alone a few times, usually after breakups, and didn’t enjoy it a whole lot. But if the rest o’ my life is kinda-sorta under control, and it’s just an afternoon or a day or two… I love it. It feels absolutely natural and good. Those long hauls, however? Not so much.

Have you ever watched a show called Alone? They drop ten people separately into some godforsaken place and each of them tries to remain the longest. When they first arrive they have to deal with wild animals, setting up a shelter of some sort, and finding a food source. But once all that’s handled, it’s the “alone” part that starts to get to them. There are no cameramen or anything of the sort. They film everything themselves. And a lot of the participants start to lose it in short order.

And almost everybody I talk with about the show says something along the lines of “Oh, that would be the easy part for me! I could go for a couple of years. I can’t stand people.” It’s nearly unanimous, that reaction. But I think they’re fooling themselves. That shit’ll get you. A lot of the contestants seem surprised and baffled by it. They prepared by learning how to build traps and construct a hut out of tree limbs and break down a fish, or whatever. But the alone part takes them out. Humans are social creatures. They probably should’ve considered that aspect of it. Hell, it’s the title of the show!

In any case, I’m not really talking about being alone in the goddamn arctic or whatever. I’m talking about just eating in a restaurant by yourself, and things like that. I know several people who say they’ve never done it, which blows my mind. I do it, if not daily, at least four or five times per week. Granted, most of those are in fast food restaurants, but I’ve also been a “party of one” at sit-down places. I just look at my phone, and it’s no big deal. That’s what everybody else is doing too, regardless of how many people are at their table.

What about you? What’s your stance on eating in restaurants by yourself? Any issue with it?

I don’t really remember going to a movie alone, but probably have. I’m not a big movie-going person, in general, but I wouldn’t mind going to one by myself. You’re not supposed to be talking in there, anyway. Right? I’ve gone to MANY rock shows by myself, and that’s not an issue either. These were at small venues, mostly in Atlanta. I don’t recall going to any large arena concerts alone. But I’d do it. There was some guy flying solo, roughly my age, beside us at the Tom Petty show a year or so ago. I didn’t think anything about it, and he seemed to be having a good time. A little too talkative for my tastes… but that’s a different discussion.

I’ll probably be attending a baseball game alone next week. Not a problem… I’ll just eat a batting helmet full of soft serve ice cream and three hot dogs, and all will be right with the world.

I don’t have much experience with traveling alone. I’m talking about vacation travel, not business stuff. I did go to Long Beach Island by myself a few years ago. To tell you truth, it felt weird. It was nice and pretty, and all that stuff. But I don’t know if I truly enjoyed it. I thought it would be spectacular, but it wasn’t. I like driving somewhere by myself, so I can control the radio and where I stop, etc. But being at the beach by myself was less enjoyable than anticipated. I’m not sure I’d do it again.

What do you have on this one? Do you have any problem doing things alone? Both times I lived by myself for extended periods were in cities I’d recently moved to, where I didn’t know many people. That’s part of the problem, I’m sure. Also, as I mentioned, both times it was post-breakup, which doesn’t help. So, I probably don’t have a clear experience in that area. If I’d been surrounded by family and friends and co-workers, it would’ve been a completely different situation. At this point though, I hope I don’t find out.

Anyway, please share your thoughts on living alone, eating alone, going to movies and shows alone, etc. Tell us all about it in the comments.

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker

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How Much Sleep Do You Require? How Much Do You Get?

Sleep is creepy, it’s well-documented. It’s death lite, a weird insect-like dormancy that we all accept as normal. In fact, there are whole industries built around this terrifying daily freakishness. Including, but not limited to, the MyPillow guy. And maybe even the Trivago guy. Can you imagine the first person who started to feel sleepy at the end of the day, nodding off, etc.? He probably thought, “Well, shit. I guess this is it?” In any case, sleep is unfortunately required. No matter how disturbing it is. If I could go without it, I would. I fight it and usually sigh loudly in defeat as I make my way upstairs every night to the dormancy platform, located inside the latency chamber. Dammit! I just had a full-body shiver.

But as I type this I’m struggling, my friends. ‘Cause I stayed up way too late last night listening to the Reds lose in Pacific Daylight Time. Some o’ that boolshit interleague play abomination… But that’s a different complaint for a different day. I got about six hours last night, which seems like it should be enough. But I can feel it dragging on my brain. And I know it’s going to be a long day because I didn’t spend enough time in suspended animation.

I require at least seven hours. That’s to feel normal and good the next day. I’m not proud of it. I wish I could report that I need much less since sleep is one of my sworn enemies. But it has a hold on me! Eight hours is also good, but after that, the law of diminishing returns kicks in. My back hurts, I’m disgusted with myself and somehow less-rested. So, seven or eight is the sweet spot for me.

Toney loves to sleep but doesn’t do a very good job of it, as far as I can tell. She’s a very light sleeper and any tiny sound wakes her. If a neighbor, three doors down, farts in his kitchen Toney is up for several hours. She also moves during the night. She starts out in our bed but rarely ends up there. She usually does the last three or four hours on the living room couch. However… whenever I tell her I’d gladly go without sleep if it were possible, she can’t believe it. “Sleep is one of my favorite things,” she tells me. It’s ironic (maybe) that I don’t like it, and can sleep through a goddamn hurricane. Whatever.

What do you have on this one? What kind of relationship do you have with sleep? Do you love it, like Toney? Or do you feel semi-resentful every time you turn in for the night, like me? Also, how many hours do you require? What’s the sweet spot? I wish I could feel good and normal on six hours, but I can’t. Not really. I can manage, but I feel off. Like right now. And that’s part of the reason this one’s so short. Blame the stupid Angels and their stupid other-side-of-the-continent location. Stupid Angels…

I posted a new podcast episode yesterday (I think). Or was it the day before? It doesn’t matter… You can check it out here, or wherever you get podcasts.  Here’s the summary:

In this one, I give you an update on the beepbeepbeep construction project going on next door, the mailing of our spit to Ancestry, a “like” at Instagram that nearly caused my brain to explode, and a crazy tour we’re planning to take in August. I also share a couple of messages left at the Surf Report hotline and respond accordingly. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening!

And I’m going to call it a day, my friends.

I’ll see you guys next time.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker

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Here Are Some Phrases That Should Be Retired From Social Media Immediately

I’m looking at that graphic and realize I’ve never used LinkedIn. I might have an account, but I’m not sure. And I’ve never seen SnapChat. I’m not even sure what it is. I use YouTube, of course, but have never posted anything there. A few days ago I checked to see if ‘thewvsr’ was available as a username and it said it was taken. “Assholes!” I shouted. Who would take that name?? Just some dick, probably. Yeah… turns out it was me. So, I was correct, I guess.

In any case, the social media platform I like the best is Instagram. I genuinely enjoy it. It feels more civilized than Facebook and Twitter, and I think I follow a more interesting mix of accounts there. I’ve never been able to fully crack the Twitter code. I check it from time to time, mostly for baseball stuff, but don’t do much posting. It brings me little joy. I do like the Surf Report Facebook page, where I mostly just post ridiculous pictures I’ve found during my internet travels. Very similar to the old bunker cam photos.

But the main Facebook? Man, that thing makes me insane. There’s some interesting stuff there, I’m not saying there’s not. However, there’s also an avalanche of infuriating shit. Including, but not limited to: smug and knowing political statements made by the most unreliable narrators in the world… humble-bragging… pictures of feet… lunch photos… goiter updates (or whatever)… vague posting (“I’m so over this!”)… people wishing people a happy anniversary who are probably sitting four feet from them as they type…

You know what I’m saying, right? It’s a cesspool, my friends. It makes me grind my molars. But today I thought I’d start a list of phrases that people use on Facebook all the time that make me squint in annoyance. Then you guys can complete it for me if you’re so inclined. How’s that sound? Good, let’s do it.

This! So. Much. This.
I’m just going to leave this right here.
I can’t even.
I see what you did there.
Yassss!
Squeeee!
Meh.
Won the internet.
Awesomesauce.
And go.
Fixed it for you.

There are slight variations of those, of course. But you get the gist, I hope. Please help me create the definitive list, won’t you? Use the comments section to bitch about comments!

Also, just so you know, I’ve streamlined my social media parallel universe. Check it out:

instagram.com/thewvsr
twitter.com/thewvsr
facebook.com/thewvsr

Pretty cool, huh? I’m not sure why it took me 10 or 12 years to do that. Perhaps I’m dumm? Anything’s possible, I suppose. Apparently, I have that YouTube username, as well. Maybe I’ll start posting my podcast there? How hard is that to do? ‘Cause if it’s hard… it’s not worth doing. Right? I think I saw that on a Nike t-shirt.

Speaking of the podcast, there’s a new episode available here or wherever you procure your audio entertainment. This is the summary:

In this one, I give you an update on the iconic Surf Report Bunker, tell you about another ridiculous visit to a beer-fueled restaurant in Scranton, the quickie visit with Toney’s sister, some Half-Shirt construction going on over there, and the ongoing quandary about tipping at the counter. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening!

Check it out, if you’re so inclined. The show has a certain vibe, I think.

And I hope you guys have a fantastic rest o’ the week!

I’ll be back soon. My schedule is all shot to shit, as they say at most of the higher-end New England finishing schools. But soon, I’d say. Maybe Friday?

See ya then!

Now playing in the bunker

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How Paranoid Do You Think You Are?

Toney ordered us two Ancestry DNA kits on a whim this past weekend. It’ll be interesting to see the results, ’cause it’s all a big mystery to me. I think our branch of the Kay family has lived in West Virginia since long before there was a West Virginia. We’re not really sure about our country of origin. At least I’m not. And my brother, who is really into genealogy, can’t pinpoint it either. So, I don’t know how accurate these things are, but it’ll be fun to see what it says. My mother’s side has some obvious Italian, so that should be in there too. I’m thinking England or Scotland, and Italy. But we’ll have to wait and see.

Toney, on the other hand, supposedly has some American Indian. I’m skeptical, and so is she. It’s something her father insists is true, and we’ll find out shortly. I hope she has enough that we can be awarded a casino. Is that how it works? They just hand out casinos? I’ll have to do more research on it.

Anyway, the kits should arrive today. Then our DNA information will be out there to be used against us by a shadowy Deep State or whatever. I know people who believe that, and the thought passed through my mind, as well. I’ve heard people on the George Noory radio show say they’d only submit their DNA info at the point of a gun, etc. etc. They seem to be physically distressed that the “sheeple” are lining up — and actually paying for the privilege — to open this Pandora’s Box. And you’re the world’s biggest fool if you shrug and say, “I’ve got nothing to hide.” Oh, you’ll see. You’ll see real soon.

Obviously, I’m not that paranoid. I’m sending that shit in immediately. I want to check out the questionable-at-best info that comes back. And if I get railroaded into taking the fall for a string of 1987 prostitute murders in the Pacific Northwest, I guess I’ll just cross that bridge of whores when I get to it.

How paranoid are you? And what are you paranoid about? My friend Steve pays for everything with cash, which seems exceedingly paranoid to me. But whatever. And I know many people who are highly skeptical of those Alexa devices. Including my wife.  But where would you put yourself on the paranoia spectrum? Do you have your entire property under 24-hour surveillance for instance? Please tell us about it, won’t you?

I get paranoid at work sometimes, believing there’s “something up,” and that something undoubtedly involves me in a negative way. Oh, I can concoct some conspiracy theories like a champion. But I don’t walk around thinking I’m being watched by the government, or a den of thieves, or anything like that. What about you? Please tell us about it in the comments.

And I released a new episode of the world-famous West Virginia Surf Report podcast last night. You can listen here, or wherever you get yer podcasts. Here’s the summary:

In this one, I tell you about the just-passed weekend o’ near-perfection, the one hour of physical work I put in that nearly destroyed me, the final episode of the great HBO miniseries ‘Chernobyl’ and the unlikely scene I’ll never forget, and our purchase of two Ancestry DNA kits on a whim. I also respond to another question left on the hotline. I hope you enjoy it! Thanks for listening.

I’ll see you guys again on Thursday or Friday.

Have a great week, my friends!

Now playing in the bunker

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I Was Summoned To Jury Duty! How Many Times Has This Happened To You?

I’m fairly certain this was only the third time I’ve been called, during my entire ridiculous life. Twice to Lackawanna County Court in Scranton, and once to Los Angeles County, but after we’d already moved here. So, I’ve only actually reported twice. It seems like some people are called all the time, but not me. Sometimes I wish I’d get involved in a long drawn-out trial, maybe with sequestration and all that. I think it would be interesting, for sure. But I’ve never made it anywhere near an actual jury. I’ve only done time in the pre-jury holding pen, and been dismissed.

Yesterday I went down there and entered the garage where they provide free parking. That thing must have been built during the 1930s, and was extremely narrow and dark. It felt like something out of SAW. There was a lot of construction going on in there, and many of the parking spots were filled with heavy machinery. I just kept climbing up, up, up, and was possibly in a neighboring building at the end. Then I emerged into sunlight on the roof of this horror movie, where I finally found a few open parking spaces. Grrr…

Some guy in a giant pickup truck parked near me, climbed out, and immediately said, “This is bullshit.” Being on the same wavelength, we began a conversation. He was there for jury duty too, and predicted we’d be “out in four minutes.” I told him that’s pretty optimistic, and he repeated, “Four minutes!”

We went looking for an elevator, and never found one. While searching, an older man joined us and he was listening to an obnoxious sports talk radio show through his phone. And that thing was cranked! Everybody on there had a strong NY/NJ accent, which makes a person sound perpetually exasperated. Going on and on about the Yankees, etc. And the three of us walked down, down, down the stairs… ’cause there was apparently no longer an elevator in the building.

The old dude didn’t say a word to us until we got near the courthouse. Then he pointed and said, “You gentlemen are going to want to go through those doors there, and I’ll see you on the inside!” Then he walked away with his impossibly loud talk show blaring. Who the fuck was that guy?

The room upstairs was packed to the gills, and there was an overflow section in the hall, also super-crowded. How many people do they call to these thing? Holy shit. There must have been 200 people, and that’s not an exaggeration. I found an open chair, but was wedged between two guys who were slathered in cologne. I’m in hell… I confirmed to myself inside my head. Last time I went through this thing I was there for eight hours, before they mercifully let us go. Nobody said a word to me, I just sat for eight hours and a man eventually came in and told us we’re free to go. But it wasn’t so freaking crowded then. This was going to be an ordeal.

Then I heard the radio show again. Off in the distance, but getting louder. It was that dude, now wearing a fancy blazer, greeting people as he walked. I still don’t know what his role was there, but everybody knew him, and he knew everybody. And he was still tapped into NYC sports talk at a very high volume.

After a while a gentlemanly older man in judge’s robes appeared and asked us all to squeeze into the main room. The temperature inside was way too high, probably because of the overload of humanity in there. I looked around and was disgusted by many in the crowd. People wearing sweats… cargo shorts… Spongebob pajama pants… There were many baseball caps and hoodies with construction company logos on the back. Some big woman was piled in a chair wearing an Ocean City 2015 shirt. I wondered if she’d decided to dress up today and rejected the 2011 shirt?

Finally the judge started talking to us, but in a very hushed tone. I could make out maybe every other word. Very soft spoken. He was telling a story about Vietnam, where he said he served as a young man. It was heart-wrenching tale, apparently, but it was hard to follow. Then, an amazing thing happened. The guy with the sports talk reappeared in the hallway, with the volume at the same outrageous level. He was way down the hall, but the radio show was louder than the judge. Then the guy called into the show! I ain’t shittin’ ya. He called into the talk show and was on the air.

“Thanks for taking my call, Marco!” he shouted. Right in the middle of the Vietnam tale. “Let me throw a name out at you! Horace Clarke. Are you familiar with Horace Clarke?! Played in the ’60s, fantastic underrated player!” It went on and on, and you could hear both sides of the conversation, because it was on speaker. The judge was whispering his story that probably had a poignant and relevant payoff at the end, and I was 100% focused on this loud baseball talk down the hall. It was crazy! Like something off Green Acres. But the judge didn’t seem to notice, and continued without acknowledging the insanity.

After the talk was over we went back to our cramped seats, and waited. I couldn’t stand being wedged between those two cologne boys, so I got up and began pacing. And I overheard a snippet of a conversation that included the line, “It’s hard to get work as a dietician when you’re a big fat person.”

Eventually a woman appeared and announced that she was going to call 45 names, and those people would be going upstairs with her and “getting to spend the day with us.” So, she started listing ’em off and my name was never called. She took the “lucky” 45, and disappeared. We were told not to move, that somebody would be in shortly to tell us what was happening next. And about five minutes later a guy came in and told us we were free to go. Ninety minutes total… Not bad at all. I was there from 9 to 10:30. A little longer than the 4 minutes my new friend predicted, but I wasn’t complaining. “Screw it. I’m telling my boss I’m on a case. I’m not going back until Thursday,” he told me as we walked back to the scary parking garage. “You sound like one hell of an employee,” I wanted to reply. But I just laughed and wished him luck.

What kind of jury duty experiences have you had? Anything crazy? Please tell us about it in the comments section. Supposedly I’m good for three years now. We’ll see.

Last night I uploaded a new episode of the podcast. It’s available right here, or wherever you get podcasts. Here’s your summary:

In this one, I tell you about our incredibly active weekend that included a radical overhaul of the Surf Report bunker, the surprise arrival of a commercial dumpster in our driveway, and a crazy turn of events while receiving a quote on some extensive landscaping work. I also discuss the great new Deadwood movie and play another message left on the Surf Report podcast hotline that touches off a lengthy story from olden times. It’s a fun episode. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening!

Also, give us a call at the new hotline! You might end up in a future episode of the podcast. Just leave a message, ask a question, make a suggestion, whatever floats your ferry.

And the new Deadwood movie debuted on HBO on Friday. Needless to say, I was there with my fuck-counting pad. Check it out. It was still fairly fuck-heavy, but not anywhere near the high bar set by the series. It was great, though. I plan to watch it again real soon. Let us know your thoughts if you’ve seen it.

I’ll be back on Thursday.

Have a great one, my friends!

Now playing in the bunker

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Have You Ever Lived Somewhere With A Homeowners’ Association? How Was It?

When we were in Atlanta we had an HOA, but it was about as half-assed as they come. I’m not even sure what their role was, beyond collecting the yearly fee. It was probably just maintenance of the community pool, and maybe mowing grass in the common areas, and that sort of thing. We never heard about them telling someone they couldn’t paint their garage door a certain color, or anything like that. As HOAs go, this one was decidedly hands-off.

So, our limited experience was painless. But what about you? We all know about the legendary “gargoyle trouble” my friend Chris had, back in the day. Do you have any history with a homeowners’ association? Good or bad? Please tell us about it in the comments.

While I was sprucing up the bunker over the weekend I uncovered a sheet of paper that I grabbed in Myrtle Beach a few weeks ago, while Toney and I were looking at houses and condos. It lists the HOA guidelines for a place called Bridgewater. I have no idea… We looked at so many of them, and all those subdivisions have similar names. But I thought I’d share a few o’ their bullet-points today and get your thoughts. This isn’t the whole list, just the items that I thought were especially interesting:

Storage buildings are allowed as long as they are approved prior and must match the main house detailing, trim, roof slopes/overhangs and placed on a permanent foundation.
Above ground pools and tree house are not allowed.
Clotheslines are not permitted.
No parking on the streets allowed.
American flags are permitted, no larger than 4×6.
Up to four domestic animals are allowed.
Garage doors must be kept closed when not in use.
Artificial vegetation is prohibited on the exterior, all other sculptures and ornaments must be approved.
Surveillance cameras/lights must be approved.
Fences must be approved. Wrought iron or aluminum, no more than 4 ft high. Black or bronze color only.
Solar panels are not permitted.
No window air conditioning units are allowed.

The list goes on and on, but those are the highlights. What do you think? Could you live under such a regime? I don’t personally have a major problem with any of it. Maybe a philosophical problem with all of it, but that’s a different matter. The fence color rule seems rather bizarre, but I’m not super-passionate about my fence color freedom rights. What are your thoughts? Tell us about it in the comments section, if you’re so inclined.

And I don’t know what’s going on with the podcast. There’s a new episode out there somewhere, I’m just waiting for it to come back to me. I’m sure I’ll have it shortly.

Here it is, and here’s the summary:

In this one, I tell you all about our big honkin’ three-day weekend, which included but was not limited to lazy sackism, grilled meats, beer, and baseball. I also talk at length about the Brazil-like weather we’re having and the problems it causes, my recent mastery o’ the grilled meats, and our trip to a fantastic beer emporium. And I also share a recent call left at the podcast hotline. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening!

I hope you guys have a great weekend! I’m working on a major bunker overhaul. I’ll tell you about it on Monday unless I completely lose my shit. Which is a distinct possibility?

Take care!

Now playing in the bunker

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Do You Have Any Direct Experience With Tornadoes? I Don’t And Would Like To Keep It That Way

How’s that for subtlety? Obviously, I’m promoting the use of our fancy new podcast hotline. You can call it any time, and leave a question, suggestion, or comment and there’s a good chance I’ll include it in a future episode of the world famous Surf Report podcast. I’ve featured three or four already and it really adds another dimension to the show. So, give it a try! It’s fun.

Last night at work we had to go into the “storm shelters” again. There were tornado warnings, which I’ve always written off as pure bullshit. However, a year or so ago one actually touched down near us and took out a few businesses, including the Barnes & Noble store and a great sandwich shop called Stations Grill. I believe B&N is back up and running, but Stations has disappeared, apparently forever. So, that sucks. Not only because we lost a kickass restaurant, but also because I can no longer write these things off as a gross overreaction. Wotta ripoff.

Check out these pictures from last year. This is why my “this is bullshit” proclamations don’t carry much weight with people anymore.

But nothing happened last night, of course. We just hunkered down for 40 minutes and were eventually given the all-clear. I believe this is the third or fourth time we’ve had to do this over the past couple of years. And yeah, I know the Panera Bread store was completely demolished last year by a goddamn twister, but what are the chances of that happening again? I mean, seriously.

The thing is? If I actually saw or heard a real-life tornado I’d probably pass out and shit on my way down. I’ve been in a couple of situations where it looked like something like that was really going to happen, and it scared me. Once in Myrtle Beach, when I was a kid, camping at Pirateland. Awnings were ripped off campers… trailers were tipped over… It was nothing short of terrifying. And the ocean, which was right there, was like something out of a horror movie. Man, you talk about menacing… So, I’m certainly no storm chaser. But I always assume all these “watches” and “warnings” are the just the result of some overly cautious beancounter somewhere,  covering their ass. Ya know? Perhaps I should be less cynical? Yeah… I don’t see that happening.

For some reason, this episode of This American Life also haunts me. It’s about a tornado striking during a high school prom. I’ve listened to perhaps hundreds of episodes of the show, and that one sticks out in my mind. So, yeah. I guess I have a true tornado phobia. However… I know how humans work, as well. So, I always write off the warnings as utter horseshit until there’s evidence to the contrary.

Have you ever seen an actual tornado? I haven’t. I’ve seen funnel clouds forming in the sky, but they didn’t make it all the way to the ground. Scary as shit, I might add. What about you? I assume you folks who live in the middle of the country see them every day while driving to the bank, or whatever? Tell us about your tornado experiences in the comments. I have none and would like to keep it that way, thank you very much.

And speaking of the podcast, I posted a new episode today for patrons. I like it. I don’t always like it, but I like this one. Here’s the brief summary:

A few nights ago I stopped at Sheetz to put air in one of my tires, and this somehow turned into a full podcast episode. The funny thing? It’s one of my recent favorites. Thank you guys for listening, and thanks for the support!

I’m going to work now. A big three-day weekend coming up!

I hope you guys have a great one.

I’ll be back on Monday. Or perhaps Tuesday.

Now playing in the bunker

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Have You Ever Almost Hit Somebody With Your Car? I Have!

You can hear all about it in the new episode of the Surf Report podcast. I mean… this was the closest of close calls, my friends. It makes me anxious whenever I think about it, which is approximately once per minute. Click here, or snag it from wherever you get podcasts of the highest quality.

Have you ever come close to clipping a pedestrian with your car? Or maybe you actually hit a few? Perhaps that’s your thing? Hell, I don’t know. But please tell us about it in the comments. I can’t recall coming that close before. It scared me. The adrenaline spike was enormous.

Also, our power went out last night for about an hour and fifteen minutes. Like we’re in freaking Venezuela or something. Our phones kept receiving weather warnings, especially Toney’s. I mean, those things were coming in at an accelerated clip. I thought there was a catastrophic Samsung malfunction, due to the sustained chiming. But I pay very little attention to things like that, ’cause it almost never adds up to anything. Right? Right.

But shortly before 9 on Sunday it was raining and windy, and the lights started into flickering. Everything went down for a split second, then came back up… That happened again, and finally, it all just shit the credenza. We found ourselves sitting in total darkness, like assholes.

We fumbled around and unplugged our computers, hoping they weren’t already damaged by all that stopping and starting. Then we waited. At first, it was kinda fun — a novelty of sorts. The whole neighborhood was pitch black and very, very quiet. Kind of cool.

But it quickly became boring. Within twenty minutes I was about to crawl out of my skin. This is bullshit! Both boys were at work, and the power was out there too. Eventually, they came home and reported that all the traffic lights were down. It was anarchy! We were undoubtedly just a few hours away from cannibalism.

I was pacing around with my kickass high-powered flashlight, going onto the deck and out front repeatedly. I didn’t know what to do. I was losing it, man. I could see flickering through the windows of neighbors, candles I presumed. This is ridiculous. Maybe it was the Chinese? Maybe they took out the grid? They’re always talking about that on George Noory, perhaps it finally happened? No, probably just the hellacious storm. Back to pacing…

We’d been watching Dateline, which was also annoying. We’ll never know if Cam killed Kaylee, or if it was that security guard who was acting suspiciously. It felt like we were being manipulated by the Dateline team, ’cause they were definitely making it seem like Cam was guilty. It felt like a twist in the tale was right around the corner, but we never got there. And now we’ll probably never know. Bastards!

But as I was pacing, something exciting and invigorating occurred to me: Game of Thrones finale was on at 9, and the power was out! At least I had that bit of good news to cling to. Hopefully, the Half-Shirts are big fans.

It came back on about 75 minutes later, give or take one or two trips to the deck. And, incredibly, the internet worked and the cable worked and everything. Most of our clocks are still flashing, but we’ll get to them in a couple of weeks, I’m sure. So, I watched three episodes of Green Acres on Amazon Prime, uploaded the podcast at 12:01 am, and called it a night.

And now it’s time to go back to work already. How is that possible?! It feels like it was only yesterday when I almost took out that lanky piece of shit on my way home from the office on Friday night. Where did the weekend go? The Chinese probably had something to do with it. And speaking of that, I wouldn’t mind the L14 beef and broccoli lunch special right now, with an eggroll and a Cherry Coke.

I’ll see you guys again on Thursday. Don’t forget about this. Give me a call!

Have a great week, boys and girls.

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

Should I Be Satisfied Or Somewhat Annoyed With This Customer Service Experience?

In the Monday episode of the podcast, I told you guys about a situation I found myself in with Amazon. You can listen to it here. I’ll briefly recap it now, but you’ll get loads more detail in the show… ’cause I went on and on about it.

Recap: I ordered a Kindle Fire tablet for Toney as a Mother’s Day gift. It’s always $150, but they were having a sale and offering it for $120. The “guaranteed” two-day delivery failed and it arrived a day late, on Friday. I was at work, and when Toney got around to cracking open the box, there was nothing but packing material inside. No tablet… no packing slip… What the?!

She passed on the good news, and I immediately called Amazon. I assumed they’d take care of it without any problem because I’m always hearing about their impeccable customer service. Thankfully I’ve never needed to use it, which is kind of amazing when you think about how long I’ve been doing business with the company. In any case, I was thrown into a baffling quagmire of uncommon accents, low-talking, and people “with fever.”

They needed to do a three-day investigation I was told, to find out what really happened. That kinda ticked me off… She was hitting that really part pretty hard as if what I was telling her was questionable. “I’ll tell you what really happened,” I answered, “Somebody stole it! Either an employee of UPS or someone in an Amazon DC. That’s what really happened!” Grrr…

Here are a couple of pictures of the box I took. As you can see, the Amazon tape on the bottom had been slit open and somebody re-taped it. Also, there’s a sticker on the top that seems to have REP written on it. I don’t know what that means.

But she insisted that an investigation must happen, and she’d personally get back to me on May 14. She did not. I never heard from them. So I called and was thrown straight into the same quagmire. It sounded like millions of people were talking in the background and the person on the line with me had a thick accent that I’d never heard before.

I told her I was promised a call-back and didn’t get one. I’m not sure if she apologized because I couldn’t make out 75% of the words she was speaking. But we quickly got down to business and she said they were very pleased to offer me a full refund. I told her I’d prefer a replacement, but she said that was not possible. So, I asked if I’d be able to re-buy the tablet at the sale price, and she said “no.” That was literally her answer, “no.” Why not?? We do not price-match, she said. “It’s your own price!” I shouted. “From a few days ago!” “No,” she repeated.

I said I appreciate the refund, but I’m not very happy with them refusing to honor the sale price. She got a little exasperated and said something along the lines of “I don’t know why you’re unhappy because as far as we’re concerned the package left our facility and was delivered to your house.” Which ticked me off again. “Yes, the package! Literally the package, with nothing inside!!” I answered. She just sighed and said nothing.

And that’s where we stand. The refund was issued, and the tablet now costs $30 more than the day I ordered it. I won’t re-buy it, because fuck that. But I read some stuff online and found out they don’t always offer a refund in that scenario. So, I don’t know if I should be satisfied or somewhat annoyed. I’m leaning toward the latter. What are your thoughts?

Also, have you ever had anything like this happen to you? How did it work out for you? Any experience with Amazon customer service at all? Are you familiar with the quagmire? What country is that call center located in? It sounded like the backward-talking in Twin Peaks.

And I must again emphasize… I’ve been doing business with Amazon since the late 1990s and hadn’t had to call customer service about anything before. This is, as far as I can remember, the only problem I’ve ever had with them. And it probably wasn’t even their fault. Some UPS employee probably did the plundering, right? They should definitely investigate, starting with the United Parcel Service. What can Brown do for you? Plunder your shit!

Please let me know your thoughts on this important matter.

Also, if you’d like to be a part of the Monday podcast (maybe), please leave a message on our exciting new hotline. Ask a question, leave a comment, make a suggestion. Whatever floats yer boat. Here’s the info:

And speaking o’ the podcast, I’m going to upload the Thursday show for patrons shortly. I know it’s Friday, give me a break… It’ll be available at Patreon within the hour. Thanks for the support, and thanks for listening!

I hope you guys have yourselves a fine weekend.

We have a 6-pack of this stuff chilling in the fridge. It was purchased in Cleveland, and is possibly one of the best beers ever! That was my feeling after the first 6-pack, anyway. It’s unavailable in Pennsylvania, it appears… Good stuff.

I’ll be back on Monday.

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

Which Is A Better Day Off? Monday Or Friday?

I’m not off today, unfortunately. And I wasn’t off on Friday, either. But Toney and I had this conversation over the weekend and agreed for once. Having a Monday off is better than having a Friday off. What do you think?

My reasoning: Fridays are the best day of the workweek because people are powering-down and going into weekend mode. There’s hope and the looming prospect of rest and relaxation, and adventures that generally don’t come to fruition. But it’s like opening day of the baseball season, anything is possible.

And Mondays are the worst day of the workweek, right? I mean, can that even be argued? So, it’s only logical to avoid the shittiest of all days and work on the least painful. And I can’t put my finger on why, but a Monday off feels like a true three-day weekend. But a Friday off doesn’t have the same emotional impact.

What are your thoughts on this important matter? Please tell us about it in the comments.

Of course, the population now works 24 hours a day on bizarre schedules. Monday through Friday, 9 to 5, is quite rare, I think. Just go to a Walmart or a grocery store on a Tuesday at 2:30 or whatever, and you’ll see evidence of it. I’m always shouting, “Doesn’t anybody work anymore?!” Of course, the answer is yes, they just work wacked-out hours.

And that’s the second part o’ the question: what schedule do you work? I’m Monday through Friday, but the official hours are from 2 pm to 10:30 pm. So, there you go. What’s your current schedule?

Most difficult schedule I’ve ever worked? Overnights with no set quitting time. That was at a Food Lion store in Greensboro. We started at 11 pm (I think) and finished when the work was done. That’s no good… Often we’d work 12 hours. It was exhausting. I was tired all the time, without exception. I dreamt about being tired while I slept. It sucked a big bent one.

So, I guess we now have three questions:

Which is a better day off? Monday or Friday?
What’s your current work schedule?
What was the worst schedule you ever worked and why?

My Kansas City trip was canceled at the last minute. Do I look upset? I’m not upset. It would’ve been fine and might’ve generated some stories, but I’d prefer not to do it, thank you very much. We are, however, going to Cleveland next week. It’ll be a quickie guerilla strike, in and out. Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, and some other odds and ends… Should be fun, I hope. Oddly enough, Toney and I will be returning to Ohio in August to see a Reds game, and also attend a big tennis tournament out that way. We’re staying at a hotel that is shockingly expensive (to my cheap bastard ass, anyway), next to the baseball stadium. I mean… what the hell? What is this, Manhattan? We’ll also be visiting the Reds Hall of Fame, and plan to take the stadium tour, where they lead you into the bowels of the place, including the press box! I’m excited. I’ve never done anything like that before.

But that’s all the confirmed travel on the books for us. We need to fit another guerilla strike in there somewhere. May to August is too big of a dry spell. Ya know? Maybe we’ll hop on one those cheap Allegiant flights out of Allentown, and go back to Myrtle Beach for three days or something? We kinda blew it the first time, and need some Myrtle Beach redemption. We’ll see.

I posted a new podcast episode at midnight. I hesitate to make any grand proclamations, but I think it might be one of the best episodes yet. Funniest, anyway. That’s just my opinion. If you’d like to listen to it, click here. Or just snag it wherever you get podcasts. Here’s the summary:

In this one, I close out the category and share some more classic stories from my vast work history. You’ll hear about a co-worker who always looked like a million bucks until she got to the parking lot, the memorable character who objected to a new mandatory necktie rule, the guy who thought his car was stolen and was later caught “relaxing” at work, and an extremely memorable cookout with one of my old bosses. I also react to the first two messages left on our exciting new podcast hotline. It’s a fun episode. Thanks for listening!

Once again, I’d like to remind you guys about the new podcast hotline. You can call it and leave a message (a question, a comment, or a suggestion) and I might include it in a future episode, along with my reaction to it. The first two messages are in Episode 9, linked above. It’s fun! Call it today, if you’re so inclined.

And speaking of calls, I’m calling it a day here. I’m starving. Good Lord. Did I even have dinner last night…? Yes, a giant plate of spaghetti and two bowls of salad. WTF? It takes a lot of fuel to keep all this going, I guess. I hope you guys have a great week. I’ll be back on Thursday or Friday.

See ya then!

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!