Jeff Kay's Blog, page 15

Rock ‘n’ Roll Relics In Concert! Great Album Titles! Our Favorite Live Records!

Some version of Mott the Hoople is scheduled to play in Philadelphia in April. Check it out. Ian Hunter is about 80 years old at this point. Yeah, I might have to go to that show. I’m not sure you can really call it Mott the Hoople, but it’s Hunter performing the great old songs. It’s the same justification I used when I decided to see the so-called New York Dolls a few years ago. It’s not really the Dolls, but it’s David Johansen doing the songs. And that’s worth seeing.

And speaking of Hunter doing the old songs, the Now Playing link below is one of my favorite live albums. I don’t generally like live albums, but there are exceptions and that’s one of them. Great album! With the late, great Mick Ronson on guitar. That record has been a part of my life since 1980, and that’s a long time.

Also, it’s worth noting that Ian Hunter released a (great) solo record in 1979 called You’re Never Alone With A Schizophrenic, which is pretty hilarious. Wonder if that title would fly today? I doubt it, but maybe. It reminds me of another great album title: Love Songs For The Hearing Impaired. That one’s by the former lead singer of the Georgia Satellites and I used to blast that thing (on cassette) when I lived in Atlanta. It’s a rocking and fun album that sounds especially great in a car for some reason.

Am I at a point where I only go see old relics from another era in concert? It’s starting to look that way, huh? Oh well. I make no apologies.  I still listen to new music at home, I’m just not going to travel to Philly or whatever and visit a punk club at 1 am. I’m pretty much done with all that, thank you very much. Funk dat.

For today’s Questions, I’d like to know your all-time favorite album titles. They don’t have to necessarily be albums you love, just titles you love. Know what I mean? Tell us about it, won’t you? Also, if you want to weigh in on live albums, go ahead. I have a handful that I like, but overall… not a huge fan. Also, are you in the “only the relics” phase as well? Or have you transitioned to “not even the relics?” What kind of bands do you see at this point?

And I need to go to work now. I got very little sleep last night. It’s gonna be great!

I uploaded a new podcast episode for patrons, right here. It’s a disjointed mess, but maybe not a complete disaster. This is the summary:

This one was recorded early in the morning before the coffee had fully taken hold and with the threat of a plumber showing up at any moment. So, it’s even more raggedy than usual. I tell you about some unusual trouble I had while driving on Interstate 81, the installation of our new dishwasher (finally!), the deceptive nature of certain bad haircuts, a super-obscure band I’m going to see in March, and the crazy book I’m reading. Thank you guys for listening, and thanks for the support!

You guys have yourselves a fantastic weekend!

I’ll be back on Monday.

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

A Few Quick Things, vol. 49

It’s cold outside. Sweet sainted mother of Mr. Whipple! Right now my phone tells me it’s 4 degrees, FEELS LIKE -8. I don’t care for it. Yesterday I was out there cleaning off the cars and within a small number of minutes, it felt like my hands were on fire. This is bullshit. Yeah, yeah… I know about gloves. You’re missing the point. It’s cold, very cold. That’s the point.

One more move, my friends! That’s what I’m clinging to. You’ve got to have something to cling to, right? I know I do.

As I’m typing this I don’t have the Monday podcast back from the guy who makes it sound good, but I’m hoping it’ll be coming over any minute now. In it I talk about the times I got injured doing stupid shit. I’m fairly risk-averse, so my stories are not very dramatic. Hopefully funny, though… But I’d like to get yours if you have any. Or even the stuff you witnessed. There’s seemingly no shortage of people doing stupid crap that leads to injury. Tell us all about it, won’t you? Also, give the podcast a listen for my modest entries into this category. It’s a solid episode I think.

By the way, the Tom Petty CD linked as Now Playing below is one of my favorites. It’s a great album, without a bad song. And nobody ever thinks about it or mentions it. It’s all Damn the Torpedoes and Full Moon Fever and Wildflowers with that man. But he had other great records. In fact, he never made a bad one. Yowza! If you only know the hits, do yourself a favor and dig a little deeper. Petty was great, for a long, long time.

I was talking to Toney this weekend about how I can’t really whistle. Oh, I can manage a weak little whistle lite, but it’s an affront to purveyors of the true whistle. I don’t know why I can’t do it, but I can’t. You can file a lawsuit if you’d like. Sheesh. Anyway, I’d like to know about simple things you can’t do for whatever reason. I’ve known people who can’t snap their fingers. Ha! It’s hilarious to watch them try. Anyway, please share whatever you have on this one. Use the comments.

And the podcast was just delivered. You can listen to it here, or wherever you snag your podcasts. Here’s the summary:

The title says it all. In this one I talk about the times I injured myself doing stupid shit. Although to be perfectly honest, I’ve never really been a daredevil. So, my tales are not super-dramatic. I throw in some other people stories though, and I’m pretty happy with the way it turned out. I hope you enjoy it too. Thanks for listening!

Last week was terrible at work, my friends. One of the worst in recent memory. But I’m going to make this week better. We have a certain amount of control over things, right? If nothing else, our mood and general approach. So… to an improved week! Let’s all have a better one. And if you need inspiration here’s a little boost from one of my spiritual leaders, Ray Davies.

I’ll see you guys again on Thursday.

Have yourselves a fine week.

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

What Are Your Weekend Plans? Also, What’s The Longest You’ve Ever Worked The Same Job?

I often start these updates with something along the lines of “this one’s going to be a quickie.” Or something similar. But this one really is going to be a quickie. I’m getting a very late start. I couldn’t get off the platform for one thing. Oh well. Let’s get to it.

Apparently there’s some kind of monster storm bearing down on us. Up to 16 inches of ice and snow. Yikes! The good news? It’s supposed to happen over the weekend when I don’t have to worry about getting to work, or feeling guilty about NOT going. So, that part’s good. The bad news? Shoveling all that crap. Man, that goes beyond suck.

But we’ll just make sure we have plenty o’ real food and junk food and beer, and ride it out.  What other choices do we have? As long as the electricity doesn’t shit the bed, due to the ice, we’ll be good. Probably.

Yesterday I received a notification on my phone that caused my heart to skip a beat. It was a partial headline that started with ‘Longtime Reds Announcer Marty Brennaman’. Then it cut off. He died?! Marty bought it?? NOOO!!

But, thankfully, he’s still alive. He did, however, announce his plan to retire.  The 2019 season will be his last behind the microphone. His 46th year! The man has been the voice of the Reds since I was a little kid. I can’t even remember anyone before him. I know Al Michaels preceded him in Cincinnati, but I was too young to remember any of that.

So, it’ll be weird. He was a huge part of my childhood and beyond. I used to listen to almost every game. I drifted for several years, and am now back to my old habits. And Marty’s still there! It’s fantastic. He sounds exactly the same. It’s a direct thread to simpler times, if you know what I mean. I hate to see him go. But I’m glad he’s not dead. They scared me!

And I need to get into the shower, buy some Chinese food for lunch (I’ve got a very real hankerin’), and head on down the Devil’s Parkway. I told you this one was going to be kinda half-assed. I apologize. I have a new podcast for patrons, though. Check it out here. Man, that new microphone makes a big difference. The performances might not be any better, but the sound is full and rich. So, that’s something, right? Here’s the summary:

In this one I tell you about a ridiculous new project I’ve undertaken: collecting audio files of the person I consider to be the funniest man in the history of the human race. I also discuss my longtime love of radio, and a few other assorted odds, as well as ends. I hope you enjoy it! Thanks for the support, and thanks for listening.

For a Question I’d like to know what your weekend plans are. You know, while I’m out there shouting profanity with ice crystals forming inside my underwear? Tell us about it, won’t you? Also, what’s the longest amount of time you’ve worked at the same job? Can you approach Marty’s 46 years? I worked for Time-Warner for 17 years, but it was three different jobs in three different cities. So, that doesn’t really count, does it? My longest would be my current job: eleven years. Holy shitballs! That’s amazing. In any case, what do you have on this one?

I’ll see you guys on Monday, unless I’m stricken by the Big One or whatever.

Have a great weekend, boys and girls.

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

A 35 Year Wait To See One Of My Favorite Bands Is Coming To An End! Also, Please Share Your ‘Grass Is Not Always Greener’ Stories

A million years ago, give or take, I was encouraged to buy a compilation album called Pillows and Prayers. It was a collection of songs by artists who recorded for a British indie label called Cherry Red. I don’t think I’d heard of any of the bands on it. But it was cheap, something like five bucks, and my music mentor (Barry Budget) was the one doing the encouragin’. So I bought it. Barry, by the way, ended up creating the cover art for my novel Crossroads Road a long time later.

Anyway, I fell in love with that album. Especially the songs by a band called The Monochrome Set. When I saw one of their full-length albums (Eligible Bachelors) in the import bin at Budget Tapes & Records I asked Barry if I should take the plunge on it. It cost way more than five dollars. He said, “Absolutely!” Then he went on for a long time telling me how great The Monochrome Set are. So I bought it, and it’s one of my all-time favorite albums. I can’t explain it, but there’s some kind of crazy magic in that thing. Some of the lyrics are hilarious, but it’s no joke. Every song is great, and there’s just a general vibe that I find highly appealing. And it felt like Barry and I were the only people in the world who knew about them. At least in West Virginia (ha!). Here’s the original AllMusic review of the album:

One of the classic, undiscovered albums of the early ’80s, Eligible Bachelors is a tour de force of wit and musical imagination. It features some of the funniest songs ever committed to vinyl, kicking off with “Jet Set Junta,” which, alongside bookend song “The Ruling Class,” pillories the neuroses of the wealthy. “The Mating Game” is also deeply amusing as a cad’s cynical guide to the opposite sex, with lyrics like, “Blond, brunette or redhead, black, yellow or white/They taste the same, in the mating game.” But it’s not all jokes. “The Midas Touch” is an exquisite slice of whimsy riding a near-perfect guitar riff, with an emotional reach that shames most peers of songwriter Bid. Whether or not the rear cover testimonial from Andy Warhol is genuine, the Monochrome Set had released an age-defining record here. It’s a shame nobody else knew about it.

Hey, I knew about it! Oh, I knew about it real good. In fact, when I was at WEA Atlanta one of my co-workers was going to London and I gave her a twenty and asked her to find a CD copy for me. She came back with it, only mildly annoyed that I’d given her an assignment during her vacation. In any case, the band broke up in the 80s and got back together in the 90s. Then they broke up again and re-formed in 2008. And (check this out!) I’m going to get to see them in March! I can’t believe it.

They rarely come to the U.S. But they’re doing a quickie tour in early spring, and I’ve already purchased my tickets for the Philadelphia show. And I only had to wait 35 years! I’m super excited. I’m taking the younger boy with me. Oh yeah.

And speaking of bands breaking up and getting back together. I have a theory about that. I believe there’s a timeline that goes something like this:

Band forms with no expectations. Fun!
Band builds a small following, and members start to believe this might actually add up to something.
Band experiences even more success: the upward trajectory has been established. The sky’s the limit!
Band plateaus, and eventually backslides in popularity.
Band members start to blame each other for the fact they’ve been doing this for seven years now and playing the same places or worse.
Band breaks up, vowing to never speak to any of those assholes again.
Band members take jobs in the civilian world, realize it SUCKS MASSIVE ASS, and quickly re-group.
Band hits the road again, thanking the Lord God above that they still get to play the same places or worse.

I’m not talking about The Monochrome Set here, I’m just talking about bands in general. That’s gotta be the way it works, right? They get beaten down and resentful, leave the music world in a blaze of defiance, and quickly realize they had it pretty damn good. Even if they didn’t become U2. What do you think?

The new podcast episode is up. Check it out here, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here’s the summary:

In this one I tell about our new dishwasher fiasco (it’s currently inside a box in our living room), a brief run-in we had with a surly store clerk (asshole), a disappointing visit to my beloved Five Guys (no horizontal hold), and a travel back in time in search of an elusive beer (found it!). All that and The Whistle Dick of the Week. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening!

I don’t really have a question, so I’ll go with this… Just like that generic band, I was talking about above, have you ever made a sizable change in your life only to realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side? In the comments please tell us about the times you’ve made big decisions that didn’t work out for you. Like leaving a job I guess and realizing later that it wasn’t so bad after all. Heh. Use the comments.

And I need to go now. Another week of “opportunities” awaits. Sweet sainted mother of Bump Wills!

See you guys again on Thursday.

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

Are You A Collector? What Are The Most Extreme Personal Collections You’ve Seen?

I used to collect baseball cards. Yeah, I know that’s not unusual. Lots of boys (and probably some girls) did that. But, over time, my collecting turned into something mildly insane. It wasn’t just buying packs down at the corner store, sticking them in a shoebox and trying to get all the Reds players, or whatever. Oh no. It started that way, but in 1975 it turned some kind of crazy corner.

That summer, when I was 12, I decided I was going to amass a complete set: all 660 cards that were released by Topps that year. So, I made my own checklist, which was typed if you can believe it. I had every number from 1 through 660 hand-typed by yours truly on a piece of paper and would mark off each card number as I obtained it. Getting all those numbers marked off became a full-on obsession. It’s all I thought about, and that’s not much of an exaggeration.

And when you get down to the end, where you only need 15 or 20 cards, it becomes MADDENING. You buy pack after pack after pack and not a single number gets marked off. Topps also had what they called rack packs, available at places like K-Mart. Here’s what I’m talking about:

As you can see, six cards are visible in each pack: three on the front and three on the back. So, I’d beg my parents to drive me around to stores in other towns to try to track down the elusive cards. If I could actually see a needed card through the plastic it was a beautiful day. Otherwise, I’d have to just roll the dice, keep buying regular packs, and hope for the best. We also did some low-grade trading between friends. I’d gladly give up a Mike Schmidt card, or a Pete Rose, for some second-string outfielder I still needed to complete the set. But a lot of those guys didn’t take care of their cards, and they were appallingly bent and scuffed. And I can’t have that.

So, anyway. That was the summer when the obsession took hold. Then, Steve and I moved into ordering vintage cards through the mail from dealers. I think we saw an ad in The Sporting News or something and sent off for their price list. It was something called The Trading Card Company in Dearborn, Michigan. Oh, we did a lot of business with them during the early days of the mania. The hobby was nothing like it is today. It was small and the prices for cards were low. I can remember receiving a 1957 Topps card from them for a player named Moe Drabowsky. I couldn’t believe it! Something inside my brain exploded. It felt like I was holding some kind of impossible magic in my hands. 1957! Had this been some kid’s card, back during the Eisenhower era? I romanticized the shit out of it and was fully hooked.

Eventually, I was subscribed to two hobby magazines: Sports Collectors Digest (still in existence?) and The Trader Speaks. I believe SCD came out every two weeks and was fairly thick: probably 90% ads from dealers offering cards for sale. I’d go through those things with a goddamn highlighter, and spent nearly every cent of my paper route money on baseball cards. The Trader Speaks was for a more advanced collector, and I couldn’t afford most of the stuff advertised there. But I loved reading about it. It also smelled really good, the ink and the paper etc. That was one great smelling magazine!

So, it got way out of hand. But I quickly built a nice collection. I liked the 1950s Topps stuff, and early 60s too. But I also had some items from the 30s and 40s, and even some old tobacco cards from 1910 or whatever. I have a Cy Young card if you can believe it. And Ty Cobb. I started running ads of my own in SCD with lists of things I wanted to buy. So, price lists arrive by mail, and my mother would frown with concern. What’s going on??

But, beer and girls and music eventually caused my first obsession to fade a bit. However, I became equally crazed about music. This album triggered it. It wasn’t exactly the same, but close. I didn’t really think of it as collecting, the way I had with baseball cards. I just wanted to build the best music library possible. I wasn’t attempting to complete sets. It’s a small difference. But, make no mistake about it, I was FULLY obsessed and equally ravenous to find missing items. I can remember my dad joking that he was going to have to install support beams in the kitchen of our house because of the weight of all that vinyl in my bedroom above.

What’s your relationship with collecting? Do you collect anything? Have you ever? I can’t afford it anymore. It’s a young man’s game. Or a millionaire’s. I still have the tendency in me, it’s just lying dormant at the moment. Also, what’s the most extreme personal collection you’ve ever seen? I mean… people can become crazed with this stuff. Believe me, I know. How about bizarre collections? Tell us all about it in the comments.

And I’m calling it a day, my friends. I don’t have the podcast back yet, but expect it any minute now. Hopefully, I’ll be able to upload it before I leave for work. Stay tuned.

Wait! Here’s the Thursday podcast. I’ve decided to make it available to everyone. You know, so non-patrons can hear what the second weekly podcast sounds like. Here’s the summary:

In this one, I tell you about the plans I’ve made for the new year, including my travel and writing goals. I also discuss previous New Year’s resolutions, and why I don’t do ’em anymore. Thanks for the support! And thanks for listening.

Hey, I kinda like this one and have decided — on a whim! — to make it available to everyone. Just so you non-patron folks can hear what the Thursday shows sound like. Enjoy! And don’t forget this part:

Need twice the Jeff Kay? We’ve got you covered. Just pop on over to patreon.com/jeffkay, sign up for a $4 (or more) monthly donation, and you’ll immediately gain access to the Thursday shows. They’re a full 30 minutes each, and only available to supporters at Patreon. It’s a lot of fun, so do it up!

I hope you guys have a great weekend! This week eats it from the ass in, and I’ll be happy to get it into the proverbial rearview mirror. Sheesh. If I could only write about everything in my life…

I’ll back on Monday.

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

You Can Thank Me Later: A Hidden Gem On Amazon! Also, The Release Of A Very Funny… Radio Drama Kind Of Thing

I have a lingering cold. It feels like yesterday should’ve been the final day, but it’s the visitor that will not leave. Oh well. At least it’s just a cold, and not some vomit-launch high-fever diarrhea-catapult jamboree. I hear that’s going around. In fact, I have no medical evidence of this, but I’ve convinced myself that since I’m almost finished with a bad cold, my immune system is operating at a higher level and fighting off all the worse illnesses out there. If it’s not true, I don’t want to hear about it. Keep that shit to yourself.

Indeed, everybody’s hacking and coughing and sneezing. Everywhere I go it sounds like square dance night at a 1957 Tuberculosis sanitarium. The fact that I’m in the throes of illness should not surprise me. The spores of sickness are airborne and plentiful. The grossness has been weaponized!

But today’s gotta be the end of it, right? What’s this lingerin’ bullshit? It started on Wednesday. It’s too much.

In any case, I finished watching a show on Amazon this weekend that turned out to be FANTASTIC. Have you seen Catastrophe? Man, that’s the good stuff. It’s a comedy, but no hack sitcom. This ain’t Alice, goddammit. It’s about an American guy who has a quickie relationship with an Irish woman while traveling on business in London. She calls him about a month after he returns to Boston and informs him she’s pregnant. When his phone rings it displays Sharon (London Sex). He ends up moving there, to be a part of the kid’s life. He barely knows the woman but is determined to do the right thing. And there’s your premise.

It is very funny and super-smart — every episode is written by the stars, Sharon Horgan and Rob Delaney. It’s fairly raunchy and is LOADED with memorable lines. I’m thinking about watching it again, ’cause it’s is so dense with filthy and brilliant dialog. Here’s another review in which they call the show depraved. I don’t know about that, but I loved it. In fact, I can’t stop thinking about the final episode of Season 3. It was genuinely suspenseful and gut-wrenching. As well as hilarious. Crazy!

There’s one final season, which I believe is being shown in England now. At some point, Amazon will add it. They have some sort of stake in the show, with exclusive streaming rights, etc. Looking forward to it, but I wish they weren’t calling it quits on the show. It’s really, really good.

I recorded a podcast over the weekend, while I was totally sick. I was late sending it to Producer Zipp and don’t have it back yet. It’s my fault, and he’s also probably pulling his hair out editing out all the coughing and sneezing and snorkeling. Maybe I should’ve skipped it? I don’t know. I’m fairly fixated on sticking to the schedule these days. As soon as I can get it posted, I will. It has some laughs in it, despite your host wiping his feet at death’s door.

UPDATE: It’s up!

And speaking of Zipp, he and his podcast partner Bob are releasing a one-hour scripted comedy… radio drama or somesuch. I heard it in advance, in fact, I listened to it twice. Very silly, and very funny! Here’s the trailer and the full program is supposed to be released today as the latest episode of their No Redeeming Qualities podcast. This thing was a year in the making, a huge undertaking. And I’m not kidding, I laughed throughout. Please check it out. You’re going to like it.

And I’m calling it a day here, my friends. If you know of any hidden gems, like Catastrophe, on Netflix/Hulu/Amazon, please share. I didn’t even know about that show. It nearly got past me, and I wonder what great shows have gotten past me? There’s an embarrassment of riches out there!

I hope you guys have a fantastic day.

I’ll be back on Thursday.

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

How Many U.S. States Have You Visited? How Many Have You Lived In?

Above are the ones I’ve visited. I think it’s 27, plus Washington D.C. For some reason, D.C. is listed on all the interactive map sites as a state. Unless I missed a headline somewhere along the way, it ain’t a state. Oh well. According to this article, the average is 12 states visited. Seems low to me. Does it seem low to you? On the other hand, I know some people who’ve probably been to three states (two begrudgingly) so they skew the results.

A couple of things… I’ve been to the Denver airport a number of times, for layovers. But the article specifically says “excluding airport layovers,” so I didn’t count Colorado. Also, I’ve never been to Louisiana, which is something I’m not proud of. I will admit that whenever people start talking about how great New Orleans is… I just clam up and let them assume I’ve been there. I don’t lie, I just withhold information. Also, I’m not 100% sure about Maine. I might’ve crossed over the border, but I’m not certain so I didn’t count it. And it feels like I should’ve been in Michigan at some point, but can’t remember any details so I left it off, as well.

So, I’m fairly confident my number is 27. What’s yours? If you need a list (I certainly did), here’s one.

In addition, I’ve LIVED in five states: West Virginia, North Carolina, Georgia, California, and Pennsylvania. I’d like to add one more to that list before they haul my bloated carcass off to the specialty crematorium for the husky. Maybe South Carolina. We’ll see how it goes.

I believe my grandmother Kay visited all of the “lower 48” as they’re called. I don’t think she ever made it to Alaska or Hawaii. The crazy thing about that: she didn’t start traveling until she was up there in years. She was busy raising a bunch of kids and keeping the proverbial train on the tracks. But, later in life she started traveling and having fun and made it to most of the states. I don’t think I’ll get to as many as she did.

As for countries visited, I only have three: USA, Canada, and England. I’d like to add to that list, as well. Starting with the other UK countries.

In any case, please share whatever you’d like in the comments. How many states have you visited? How many have you called home? How about countries? I’m sure I’m on the lower end o’ the scale with countries visited. Use the comments link to bring us up to date on it.

I don’t have the podcast back from producer Zipp yet. So, I can’t link to it here. I’m sure he’ll send it soon though, and I’ll upload it to Patreon — maybe after I get home from work tonight. It’s a thank you episode for patrons and is #50 if you can believe it. Fifty episodes! Is that crazy, or what? Who could’ve predicted I would’ve stuck with it that long? Certainly not me. But I love it! Unless I’m wiped out on I-81 or whatever, there will be many, many more episodes.

And speaking of that, I’m thinking about doing an episode where I answer listener questions. So, if you have anything you’d like for me to address, send me an email to jeff@thewvsr.com, with the subject line ASK JEFF. And, unless the question is completely inappropriate, I’ll answer it in a future episode. And give the asker a shoutout, as well. Pretty exciting, huh? Damn right.

And that’s going to do it for today’s update. It’s almost time to leave for work. The cool thing? Yesterday felt like Monday, but today’s Thursday. So, there’s that. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

UPDATE: The new podcast episode is now live! Here’s your link. And here’s the summary:

Recorded live inside a full house! Everybody’s moving around like ants, my phone is exceedingly chirpy, and I have a sore throat. Fun times! In this one I tell you about an angry email I received from a guy who has an issue with Patreon, my fancy new podcasting microphone (still in the box), New Year’s Eve television, 1980s convenience store coffee, 2019 calendar shopping, and the Totally Out of Context Quote of the Week. Thanks for the support! I hope you enjoy it.

I’ll see you guys again on the next real Monday.

Have a great one!

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

Field Report: The All You Can Eat Chicken Plank Palooza

I realize I’m late with this report, but there was a little something called Christmas that happened since this spectacle took place. So, I hope you’ll give me a bit of slack. Sheesh. In any case, I met a couple of friends at Long John Silver’s last Sunday to see how much damage we could inflict by taking advantage of their new All You Can Eat deal. Here’s how it works:

On Sundays between 11 am and 7 pm, at participating locations, you can go in and order the normal Chicken Plank dinner, or Fish and Chip dinner. They cost $7.99 each and come with your choice of two sides. The standard is fries and cole slaw, but they have other bizarre things to choose from, like green beans ‘n’ shit like that. They used to have tiny corn on the cobs — known as cobbettes. But those are gone, as far as I can tell. Our store offered pierogis if you can believe it. Completely ludicrous.

So, you start out as normal. But you have to be careful, ’cause that initial visit to the counter locks you in. When you return to the trough you can only order additional servings of whatever you first chose. So, you can’t be switching it up and going with chicken this time and fish the next time, and you’re not allowed to power through the full assortment of side items. It’s all set in stone with your first order. Those are the parameters, and we quickly learned there’s no wiggle-room. Oh, they run a tight pirate ship at the LJS.

Here are my partners in gluttony: Mike and Ryan. Mike (on the right, looking at his phone) has a well-deserved reputation for stunt eating (my term). His standard order at McDonald’s:

Two Big Macs
Two cheeseburgers
Ten piece McNuggets
Large fries
Large soda

That’s not for laughs, it’s for dinner. Just for him. Every time. So, Ryan and I were excited to see what might happen when he’s unleashed on all you can eat planks. Oh, this was going to be good! We talked about maybe calling ahead and warning them, so they could adjust their staffing levels, etc. But we decided to just let everything happen organically.

As I was driving to the restaurant in Wilkes-Barre I received a text from Mike telling me he’s in the parking lot doing his “pre-meal stretches.” Heh.

Below is how I played it: just the standard dinner. A couple of notes… The fries are notoriously bad and also filling. I thought about going with a scoop of corn or something like that, which would theoretically allow more room for planks and maybe translate to a higher final count. I knew I’d probably come in last in Plank Count, ’cause I can’t eat enormous amounts of salt and grease in one sitting. But I didn’t want to totally embarrass myself. However, I ended up just going with the tried and true. It’s what I know, and didn’t want to overthink things. Also, the drinks were extra, and the final cost was $10.90 for each of us. Damn! That’s a lotta extra loot for six cents worth of soda.

You can see that the planks are fairly large. Larger than I realized. You get three the first time, and after I finished off everything in the photo I already felt a little wobbly. Man, this wasn’t going to be good for me. If I wasn’t careful I might puke, or worse. I could already feel the sodium working its magic in me. I was almost certain fluid was starting to build up in my lower legs.

But I returned to the counter, of course. I mean… that’s the point, right? They only give you two planks on return visits, I learned. Which was fine by me. They also give you additional servings of all the sides you first ordered, as well as a load of those delicious hushpuppies. They’re not stupid. I polished off round two and felt like I was pushing my luck. There was a very good chance I’d shit myself during the drive home. I felt… not completely sick, but sick-adjacent. I was done, I proclaimed. “Pussy!” Ryan shouted.

Here are the final two contestants, in action. It’s my favorite photo, ’cause you can see the anguish on Ryan’s face. This is late in the palooza, and he’s struggling. But Mike? No issues. Keep ’em coming!

During the final stretch, we decided they were playing mind games with us. Ryan attempted to charm the cashier into allowing a plank/fish switch, and she would not be swayed. Would not even entertain the thought. What’s the story with that?? Also, we’re pretty sure they employed the following “tricks” to keep the Plank Count as low as possible:

Over-serving o’ the hushpuppies. Every time Mike went back for more food, he returned to the table with a larger serving of those bready balls that seem to increase in size after you eat them.
It felt like they were turning the air conditioner off and on. It would become unbearably cold, then a little too warm. Of course, it might’ve just been my central nervous system cutting in and out, due to sodium overdose.
The volume of the music was fluctuating and seemingly calculated for maximum annoyance. I was expecting them to break out the Psychocandy album by The Jesus and Mary Chain, which is what we used to crank up to clear out the store at closing time when I worked at Peaches Records.

Ryan hit the wall second, of course. And eventually, even Mike threw in the grease towel. Here’s the trash we generated. And here are the final Plank Stats:

Jeff: 5

Ryan: 8

Mike: 11

One thing to keep in mind… the family meal, which is supposed to feed, you know, an American family comes with eight planks. And Mike had eleven. Ryan did very well, also. I got my money’s worth but wasn’t totally happy with my performance. Also, I felt like crap for the rest of the day. And holy hell, the thirst! I couldn’t get enough water. Blecch. I don’t think I’ll be returning to Long John Silver’s for at least… a few more days. OK, maybe today. We’ll see.

Final note: While we were in the parking lot, doing a recap of the fesitivies, Mike said he should now go through the drive-through and order something, just to see their reaction. Ha! I wish he’d done it.

And that’s the report. I hope you enjoyed it. I posted a new podcast at midnight, too. You can listen to it here, or wherever you get podcasts. Also, please don’t forget to use our Amazon links while redeeming your gift cards, or whatever. Just click through and shop as normal. It’s an easy and painless way to support the Surf Report.

For a Question, I’d just like to know about your experience with stunt eating. Have you personally participated, or possibly witnessed, a remarkable feeding frenzy? If so, please tell us about it in the comments.

And I’ll see you guys again on Thursday.

Happy New Year, my friends!

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Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

Without Using Numbers, Tell Us How Old You Are

I was just going to add this to the bottom of today’s update, with three or four of my contributions to get the conversation going. Then I started having fun with it, and it’s taken over the whole freaking thing. In fact, I have a feeling I’ll continue to add stuff to my list even after I publish it. Obviously, it’s the Question of the Day: what Eric Alper (whoever he is) asks above. We’re not all the same age, so our answers will come from different eras, give or take. In any case, please use the comments section to bring us up to date on it. Here’s what I have so far:

HBO came on around 3 pm.
You didn’t know who was calling until you answered the phone.
Only old people drank coffee.
You had to hand crank your car windows down.
Pornography was hidden around town and shared. It takes a village.
Kids experienced sissy bar-envy.
You had one shot at seeing a TV show. If you missed it, you were screwed.
Toilets were never shown on television.
You had to call 344-5111 to get the correct time.
Kids went around ingesting three-foot-long plastic tubes of sugar and artificial coloring, and nobody thought twice about it.
Bologna sandwiches were routinely prepared and eaten.
You had to wait six to eight weeks for delivery.
According to TV shows, Chinese restaurants apparently served one thing: chop suey.
People put salt in their beer.
There was a mysterious “bridge” column in the newspaper.
Every grocery store had a giant display of plastic eggs which contained (inexplicably) ladies hosiery.
You had to take your soda bottles back to the store to collect a deposit.
Pull tabs on drink cans came all the way off and were scattered EVERYWHERE.
You had to buy TV Guide magazine to know what terrible shows were on.
Sometimes people would have to go up on the roof to adjust the antenna.
You mailed your film somewhere in a yellow envelope that came with the newspaper, and the developed photos would come back eventually. From somewhere.
People collected S&H Green Stamps, as well as Top Value Stamps. And there were redemption centers that felt like something out of the USSR.
Teachers would spank kids with big wooden paddles in front of the class.
People would “lay out” to get a tan and rub oils on their skin to accelerate the degradation.

More to come, I’m sure! I hope everybody is having a great holiday season. Our Christmas was shockingly pleasant. One of the best in recent memory, I’d say. And that was a relief. I’ve never gotten into New Year’s Eve, or any of that nonsense. So, it’s all in the rearview mirror for me. Whew! It’s a weight lifted. You could probably add “We actually enjoyed Christmas, and looked forward to it” to the list above. Right? Right. …It’s unfortunate but true.

I’ll be back on Monday. I know I owe you guys a full report on the Long John Silver’s Plankapalooza. I’ll do that next time, I promise. With a few photos, as well.  And I’ll have a new podcast episode on Monday too. I’m itching to get back to it.

Until then… please remember to continue using our Amazon links while doing your online shopping. December isn’t over yet!

I’ll see you guys again soon.

Have a fantastic weekend!

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

A Few Quick Things, vol. 24

How goes it, boys and girls? I hope it goes well. I’m a day late on this one, but that sort of thing will happen from time to time. I met Steve yesterday for lunch, as well as overslept a bit. And that knocked us out of business for a Thursday update. Oh well. He gave me a very cool Christmas gift: a Pete Rose autographed baseball, inscribed with the phrase I’M SORRY I BET ON BASEBALL. Crazy, huh? Great gift!

I was also late with the podcast. I finished it late and didn’t have it back from the producer dude until I was already sitting in front of a steaming plate of chicken ‘n’ dumplings at Cracker Barrel. Then I ate myself right up to the cusp of a blackout and was unable to post the episode. But I completed the transaction last night, right under the wire. I posted it around 11:45 PM. Technically still on Thursday, right? Right. Here’s yer link. And here’s the summary:

In this one, I tell you about a heartbreaking turn of events surrounding a $7000 purchase, and how you’re playing a dangerous game if you’re relying too heavily on any one internet-based company. Also, the Totally Out of Context Quote of the Week! I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening, and thanks for the support!

And just so you know… I’m going to take next week off on the podcast. I have a feeling many of us are going to be in a state of emotional and physical upheaval. So, the Jeff Kay Show is going dark. It’ll give me a chance to (possibly) re-charge my batteries a bit. But I’ll be back on New Year’s Eve with a new episode. And I’m going to continue updating the Surf Report as “normal.”

And speaking of the guy I just referred to as “the producer dude” for some reason, I want to share something with you here. He and a friend also have a podcast, called No Redeeming Qualities. It’s genuinely funny, and I recommend it. I listen to most episodes, and they’re always great fun. In any case… the guys are trying something fairly audacious. And I’m a big fan of audacious. For the past year or so they’ve been working on a one-hour audio play… or radio drama, or whatever you want to call it. It’s a scripted comedy about the governor of Texas being shoved down a flight of stairs in his wheelchair, called Wheels of Justice. The trailer is here. Please give it a listen and share your thoughts. The full show will be released on January 7. I can’t imagine taking on something like this, but I love it! Check it out. I laugh every time.

Last week, or possibly the week before, Nancy and her family were hit by that giant snowstorm that hammered the Carolinas, etc. She has very little exposure to snow, and asked Toney for some advice. Including, but not limited to:

What do you do with the snow after you shovel it off the driveway? Throw it into the street?

I guess bagging it is not a good idea?

Can you clear off your car with salt?

By the way… she has a doctorate. Hey, whatever. Pass the organic oatmeal stout nuts.

Also, just a reminder… I mentioned this in a recent podcast episode, but I’m meeting a couple of friends at a Long John Silver’s on Sunday, and we’re going to take on the all-you-can-eat Chicken Plank challenge. Oh, it’s going to be quite an event. One of the two guys is known for his ability to eat ENORMOUS amounts of food, and we’re all on the edge of our seats about that. How much damage can he do? It might end up on CNN. I’m going to personally attempt to eat two full Chicken Plank dinners and will consider that to be an accomplishment if I’m able to get there. But he’ll go way past that, I’m certain. I’ll update on Monday, possibly with photos. And hopefully, I won’t shit myself while driving home on Sunday. Or get arrested for driving under the influence of chicken, grease, and salt. Stay tuned.

Based on very recent experience, here’s something else you can’t cheap out on: plastic wrap. Like Saran Wrap? That sort of thing? I think I asked that Question recently, or it might’ve been seven years ago. It all runs together at this point. I’m a mess. Anyway, the store versions of Saran Wrap are among the most infuriating things in the world. Holy hell! They won’t tear correctly… they ball up. It makes me want to punch a plate of glass. What other products can you NEVER cheap out on? Tell us about it in the comments.

And finally, I was in a work meeting recently and was forced to participate in one of these deals: “OK, let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves. Also, if you would, tell us a quick fun fact about yourself!” Sweet sainted mother of my winking sphincter!! I hate shit like that with the intensity of a thousand suns. But I’m going to make it the Question o’ the Day here. In the comments, please tell us a fun fact about yourself. Something most of us would not know.

And I’m calling it a day here. I’m working tonight, off the weekend, working a half-day Monday, off Tuesday and also Friday. So, after today (which might also be abbreviated… ahem) it’ll be fairly painless for a while. Are you getting any time off because of the holidays? Days off are awesome, ain’t they?

Have a great weekend!

I’ll be back on Monday.

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!