Jeff Kay's Blog, page 19

A Few Quick Things, vol. 75

It’s as humid as the underside of a Walmart shopper’s backflaps today. I saw the birds flying in a V on Saturday, which means this hell is almost over. But it ain’t over yet. Sweet sainted mother of Sebastian Cabot. Summer is bullshit and it’s not going to go quietly.

Today is our 25th wedding anniversary if you can believe it. And I did something unorthodox and just wished Toney a happy anniversary face-to-face. You know, just here? Inside our house? I didn’t feel the need to use Facebook as a middleman on that deal. Since she’s, you know, in the same building as I am? Crazy, I know.

We’re going to Las Vegas on Sunday to celebrate. I’m not sure how we decided on Vegas, but we did. It should be fun, I hope. We’ve both been there, but never together. Neither of us are gamblers, so that’s not the draw. We just wanted something unusual that wasn’t going to break the bank. We’ll be gone for a week, and it’ll be mostly about gluttony. At least on my part. I’m going to eat my way right up to the cusp of a blackout, then wash it all down with copious amounts of craft beer. Just like I did on our honeymoon, a quarter century ago. Holy shit!

I might attempt to tip my way to a room upgrade. Have you ever been successful with something like that? I’m not usually that ballsy, but what do I care at this point? I think that city runs on tips and bribes, anyway. I’m going to try to tap into that shit, too. Let me know if you have any suggestions or stories on that front. Use the comments section. I need guidance.

Oh, and before I forget… No updates next week. The bunker is going dark. No podcasts either. However, I plan to document the trip in real time on Instagram, using the hashtag #JeffInVegas. So, feel free to follow me there, or just follow the hashtag itself. A handful of other Jeffs have used it in the past, but not very many. And the most recent is from 2017. So, I’m taking it over, dammit.

Speaking of the podcast, I finally uploaded the Monday episode, right here. And this is the description:

All of us have encountered various forks in the road during our lives, points where we were forced to make big decisions on how to proceed. And, if you’re like me, you’re convinced you made the wrong choice nearly every time. In this one I tell you about the unlikeliest of such forks and the way in which I botched it. I hope you enjoy it! Pass the beer nuts.

This one’s available at all the regular podcast places, as well as Patreon. I’ll do a Patreon-only Thursday show (and Surf Report update) this week, and then I’m on vacation until 9/17. The good news? I should have no shortage of stories when I return. Oh yeah.

Help me out with your tipping stories, won’t you? Do you have good success? I don’t think I’ve ever attempted it. Oh, I tip for superior (or even mediocre) service. But not to get an upgrade, or something like that. Do you have anything on this?

And I’m cutting this one short. It’s a holiday, as well as our anniversary, and I probably shouldn’t be in front of the computer. Right? By the way, a weird mailman just delivered a CD to me from Amazon. It was a tiny, tiny person with a backpack and a windbreaker with a hood. WTF? He/She was driving an official mail truck, and I don’t know what the hell’s going on… It’s Labor Day, for one thing. They deliver mail on national holidays now? And it’s a million degrees outside. Why the winter coat and luggage? The whole thing was bizarre. Here’s what they brought me. EASILY my favorite lesbian Australian indie rock singer. There’s not even a close second.

I’ll see you guys again on Thursday.

Have a great week, my friends!

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

Please Share Your Worst Traffic Jam Horror Stories! Oh, I Have A Fresh One To Tell You About

Yesterday I was supposed to meet Steve for lunch at Cracker Barrel in Wilkes-Barre, at 12:30. And I got absorbed into one of the worst traffic clusterfucks I’ve ever encountered during my long, undistinguished life. This screenshot from my phone tells part of the story. As you can see, it’s 1:15 when I grabbed it — a full 45 minutes after I was supposed to be there. And the Barrel was a mere 2.4 miles from where I was sitting, but still a 27-minute journey!

I was losing it, man. I was boxed in on all sides by tractor trailers, and some unknown claustrophobia was starting to bubble up. Ya know? I felt trapped, was agitated about being so late, and moving toward a full freakout. But I was able to maintain, somehow.

I ordered my lunch over the phone, with Steve acting as the intermediary between me and the waitress. I wanted him to just hand her the phone, but he played the delicious home cookin’ middleman. And, thankfully, it didn’t take a full 27 minutes to get there. It probably took between 15 and 20, and they were bringing our food out as I angrily entered the scene.

So, we had a rushed lunch. Grrr… I still needed to arrive at work at a reasonable time. It certainly wouldn’t be my scheduled start time of 2, but I had a management meeting at 3, and definitely needed to arrive before then. So, we were rifling down our meals and didn’t get to talk as much as I’d hoped. It was highly unsatisfying, the whole experience.

But Steve had made a purchase of the West Virginia craft beer I love — Devil Anse IPA — and I paid him for that and we made the transfer from his trunk to mine. Plus, he gave me a can of a “black IPA” made by the same company. It’s called Mothman. I’ll be testing that one out on Saturday. Oh yeah.

So, at least I got a shitload of fantastic, not-available-in-Pennsylvania beer out of the deal. Steve didn’t get much, unfortunately. He just hung around a Cracker Barrel for half the day, waiting on my husky ass to arrive. I feel kinda bad about that.

And by the way, I thought I’d get fancy with it and take backroads to work from there. But they were all messed up too. I arrived at the 3 o’clock meeting about 10 minutes late. I mean, this traffic jam — created by road construction I heard — was absolutely BIBLICAL in nature. In fact, the cashier at the restaurant asked if I was traveling southbound. When I told her I was, she said, “Don’t do it. Just go home.” I wanted to call my boss and tell her that Betty at the Barrel advised me not to report for work today but suspected the company wouldn’t recognize Betty’s authority.

I don’t really have a question, I guess you guys can report on the worst traffic jams you’ve encountered. I’ve talked about one in California years ago, when people were out of their cars cooking burgers on grills and passing Frisbee, etc. Toney was about to snap during that one. It was horrific. What do you have on this subject, anything? Use the comments section.

And before I call it a day here, I’ll link to the Thursday episode of the podcast, right here. It’s definitely the weirdest one so far. I had several topics I wanted to discuss in it. But one awkward subject dominated. The title: If I Want To Wear Chinese Underwear, That’s My Business! And here’s the description:

This is a weird one, be forewarned! I discuss, at length, the underwear crisis I experienced about five years ago, and my ongoing struggle in the “underwear realm.” And near the end, I tell you about the Whistle Dick of the Week, who I encountered while visiting a Guitar Center with my son. I hope you enjoy it! Pass the beer nuts.

And that’ll do it for today, my friends. If you have anything on hellacious traffic jams, bring us up to date on it. And I’ll see you guys again on Monday.

Have the great weekend!

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

What Sounds Drive You Absolutely Insane?

Before we get started, here’s your link to the Monday edition of The Jeff Kay Show podcast. It’s also available in all the usual podcast locations. And there’s a website the hosting company auto-generates. I have almost no input into this thing, it just appears as if by voodoo black magic. But it’s another place where you can hear the Monday episodes if you’re so inclined.

Here’s the description:

In this one I tell you about an aborted visit to the new Dairy Queen, people double-dipping on the stuff I don’t know, the Lewis Phenomenon, Jim Halpert as an international badass, being trapped in the haircut funnel, a music video that single-handedly destroyed the career of an 80s rock star, and asking Gordon Ramsay to please come up here and put a metaphorical foot in my ass.

I hope you enjoy it. Seventeen episodes now! They’re stacking up quickly, and I’m far less self-conscious in front o’ the microphone at this point. That’s not to say they’re good, or anything. Let’s not get crazy. But there are some laughs, I think. Thanks for listening!

Today I’d like to ask you guys about the sounds that make you absolutely crazy. I have lots and lots of ’em. In fact, Toney often accuses me of being “on the spectrum.” I don’t know about that, but there are plenty of sounds and noises that send an electric current of white-hot annoyance straight through me. Including, but not limited to:

People smacking their lips while eating

The sound of people talking through walkie talkies

Incessant gum snapping

The creaking door voice

The half whine/half cry little shithead kids make

People dragging chairs across a floor

When a diva-style singer launches into one of those showy up-and-down yodels

Ludicrously loud cars and motorcycles

People who almost literally make the GULP sound while swallowing

Repetitive ink pen clicking

I could probably come up with 20 or 50 more, but you get the idea. I’m now going to turn it over to you guys to list the sounds that really touch a nerve with you. Use the comments link below, or maybe above.

And it’s crazy, but our Las Vegas trip is less than two weeks away. It doesn’t seem real. We’re deep (deep!) in a rut here, and the idea of Toney and me on an airplane, going to some over-the-top vacation destination just feels impossible. But, unless something happens here at Chez Kay between now and then, we’re going. The boys will be on their own for a week, and that’s on them. They’re old enough. Sheesh. Hopefully, the cops and/or fire department don’t have to get involved. I’m fairly concerned about that, but am sure it’ll be fine. Maybe. Possibly. ,,,We’ll see.

OK, I’m calling it a day, my friends. If you haven’t given the podcast a listen, please do. The Monday episodes are completely free and readily available. I’m digging the whole experience so far. It’s fun!

I’ll see you guys again on Thursday.

Have a great week!

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

Things You Might Hear While Attending A Baseball Game, But Hopefully Never During Sex

I often start these things with a proclamation that I have very limited time. And I’m never lyin’. But today I have very limited time. I have to break out the goddamn italics. So, let’s jump right into it.

Yesterday and today have been somewhat comfortable, here the Upper Pierogi Belt. Oh, it’s roughly the same temperature, but that NFL blanket soaked in sea water humidity has subsided greatly. You take that crap out of the equation, and it’s not bad at all. But it won’t last. Within a couple of days, it’ll be right back to the ocean water comforter. Summer sucks ass.

And every year around this time I’ve officially had enough. I start looking to the skies for those ducks or geese or whatever the hell that start flying southward in giant honking V formations. It’s a sure sign that it’s almost over. This year is no different, not really. Not when it comes to the weather. But… there is one big difference that makes my heart sink every time I think about it.

I’m gonna miss baseball. I’m fully invested again, probably for the first time in 25 years. Crazy, huh? I’ve tried to re-engage several times, and it didn’t take. But, for whatever reason, 2018 was the season of my return. I listen to at least part of every Reds game, and often more than that. They’re not a super-successful team, in fact, they’re in last place, but they’re fun. Oh, they can score a ton of runs in a short period of time, my friends. Unfortunately, their starting pitching is not good. Anyway, as I’ve said before, the Reds are the most exciting terrible team in baseball.

And come fall — my favorite time of year — I’m going to be mourning the loss of the sport. I know I will. I hate to even think about it. The only good thing… At this point in my life, months go by in a flash. So, spring training will roll around in about three or four weeks, in Jeff Kay years.

Anyway, I’m going to drop a Question o’ the Day on you guys, and go back to work. My current workload there is about to trigger a real-life Tony Soprano-style panic attack. I have to get it under control. I’m losing it, man.

So, the Question is in the title: What things might you hear while attending a baseball game, but hopefully not during sex? I have a couple, to get the screwball rolling:

He can’t close the deal. They’re bringing somebody else in.

Oh man, he put that one in the dirt.

Are those Dippin’ Dots?

Maybe not hilarious. But you get the idea. Please help me out, and take over from here. Use the comments section so thoughtfully provided by our WordPress overlords.

And this is the description for the ridiculous new podcast episode, which is available here:

In this one I go on and on about the new Dairy Queen opening near my house, the trouble I had watching the final episode of Alone, people who don’t put enough effort into their ball-busting, and the lyrics of another old Bob Seger song. Thanks for the support! The Thursday shows are especially for you guys. Enjoy!

By the way, the title of this one makes me chuckle: They Turned Me Into A Sexual Lubricant! It’s all explained in the episode.

I’ll see you guys again on Monday.

Have yourselves a great weekend!

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

How Much Sleep Do You Need? How Much Do You Get?

Before we get started with this quickie, here’s a link to the Monday podcast episode. It’s also available at iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, etc. And this is the description I wrote for it:

This one is all over the place. We discuss the rarest of occurrences at my house, adventures in passport renewals, revenue enhancement fees, the thing I think about when somebody mentions Canada, how the Brits love to look down their noses at Americans, a grand canyon, the curious history of the Jeffs, and whistle dicks who say “legit” all the time. I hope you enjoy it! Pass the beer nuts.

Yesterday I had to get up at the swarthy ass-crack of dawn and go to work for six or seven hours. I don’t mind the six or seven hours, but the early alarm flat-out kicks my ass. I felt like a zombie the remainder of the day, was fading in and out of consciousness while Toney and I were watching TV, and couldn’t fall immediately to sleep when I finally surrendered to the platform. It was like some kind of unfunny cosmic joke.

And today… I still feel weird and out o’ sorts. In fact, it might take until Wednesday for me to feel completely normal again. I blame some of that on my age — I used to be able to bounce back from shit like that. In fact, during a previous lifetime, I had a job where I rotated a week on day shift, a week on the evening shift, and a week on overnights. With a few days off in between. And I was fine. I don’t remember having any troubles with that schedule. I think it might kill me in 2018. Is that melodramatic? I believe it’s true.

I’ve become a delicate flower when it comes to sleep. I need at least seven hours per night, or I struggle the next day and am full-on miserable. That certainly wasn’t the case earlier in my life. How much sleep do you require? Do you generally get it? Tell us about it in the comments, won’t you?

Also, have you ever worked a schedule that you never really adapted to? I used to work overnight at a grocery store in North Carolina and was exhausted 100% of the time. But it wasn’t because of the hours, it was because it was physical labor and I was often there for 12 hours at a time. That was no good. But I don’t blame it on the shift, really. It was the shittiness of the job itself. Man, that was the worst…

What do you have on this? Have you ever known anyone who could get by on four hours, or whatever? Do you think that’s true, over a long period of time? I’m skeptical. Please use the comments to bring us up to date on your sleep situation.

And I need to call it a day here.

Have a great one, my friends!

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

Profiling The Previous Owner Of My New Car! Our Favorite TV Show Spinoffs! A New Podcast Episode!

How long am I allowed to call my new car new? I’ve had it for about three months now. It still feels new to me, but I suspect that window is closing. I think I’m weeks or days away from having to transition from “my new car” to “my car.” I’m not sure what the official ruling is on something like that. Do you? Is three months the cut-off? Help me out, won’t you?

Speaking of my new car, the previous owner was apparently named Bryce. While connecting the Bluetooth I’ve seen multiple mentions of “Bryce’s Cruze.” He had everything labeled that way. And as I drive to work, I sometimes attempt to profile this Bryce.

Here’s what I know:

He took great care of the car and didn’t drive it much. The thing is flawless, as far as I can tell. I mean that literally. I haven’t seen even one tiny scratch or stain. It’s perfect. And the mileage was super-low when I bought it. Of course, I’m cranking that up in short order. But ol’ Bryce didn’t drive it much. Wonder how many times he farted in it? I didn’t see that on the Carfax. Maybe I’ll dig that out and check it again.

Also… all his radio presets were still in place. And it’s baffling, my friends. It’s a lot of hip-hop, country, and alternative rock. Also, a shitload of local channels that do not come in for me. So, apparently, Bryce lived in another part of the country. Like I say, the SiriusXM channels are all over the map. There’s jazz, metal, commercial country, hip-hop… It’s hard to get a handle on this gentleman. There is, however, no classic rock. And no Hair Nation, or anything like that. So, that would make me believe that Bryce is a youngster, right?

The only news channel he had in his pre-sets was BBC. What’s that tell us? Maybe that he’s not particularly political since he’s not tapped into MSNBC or Fox News? I think BBC sounds intriguing to a person in the abstract, but I suspect he never really listened to it. It’s on page 5, I think, of his favorites. Far down the list.

And I don’t know if we can read anything into this, but the driver’s seat was pushed up way too far. Was that done during the detailing at the car dealership, or is Bryce a tiny, tiny man? It’s hard to say.

I’m going to keep investigating, and building a profile of this person. I have a feeling the car was driven under a two-year lease, and once the two years were up… he turned it in and I bought it. But I want to know more about Bryce himself. Any input into this will be appreciated. Do any of the clues I mention tell you anything? Help me out, won’t you?

And I saw the graphic above a few days ago, lodged in the colon of the internet somewhere. I have no recollection of Grady having his own show. Do you? It feels like I would’ve been all over that shit. I loved Grady. Maybe it happened during “the dark years,” when I was almost 100% detached from popular culture. Except for music, of course. In any case. I’d like to use Grady as the premise for our Question o’ the Day: What is your all-time favorite TV spinoff? Also, what’s the weirdest and/or most unlikely spinoff? And, if you’re so inclined: What character SHOULD’VE had a spinoff but didn’t? Use the comments section.

Frasier is a common answer to this question, right? It was a great show, for sure, and a spinoff of Cheers. But if you mention it here, please do me a favor and spell it correctly. For some reason, it’s one of the most misspelled names on the internet. It’s often spelled Fraiser. WTF? What is going on? Is close good enough? And why is it so consistently wrong in the exact same way? I don’t understand.

Finally, I posted a new podcast for patrons today. This one has a lot of poop jokes and ass comedy. In other words, one of my finest efforts to date. $4 patrons can listen to it here. And this is the description:

In this one, I talk about a recent conversation I had with my wife about colonoscopies, and how it began on a serious note but quickly degenerated into a litany of amateur butt and poop jokes. I also discuss a traffic ticket our youngest son was issued and my extensive history with traffic cops. This is a good one, I think. I hope you enjoy it!

By the way, this one was a sloppy mess before the production dude got his hands on it. He made it sound nice and smooth. I wish I knew how to do all that stuff. At some perpetually undefined day in the future, I might start trying to learn audio editing. We’ll see. My guy does a great job with it.

And I’m going to call it a day, my friends.

I’m going to cook up some more eggs and toast and go tackle a few more “opportunities” at work. I’m growing weary of all the opportunities if you want to know the truth. But what are you going to do?

Have a great weekend!

I’ll be back on Monday

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

A Few Quick Things, vol. 73

I need to get your thoughts on the man who stole a commercial airplane a few days ago, and went joyriding and did daredevil stunts above Seattle, etc. I was fascinated as a mofo by that story on Saturday. Wild shit! Here’s a full transcript of his conversation with air traffic control. The guy’s cracking jokes and making sarcastic remarks… He seems like a good dude. Funny. I laughed out loud when he asked them if it’s possible to do a “backflip” with the airplane. An amazing story.

It’s sad that he was depressed, and everything that goes along with it. And I’m sure his family is in anguish. But his final day was certainly a memorable one. Right? And he kept saying he didn’t want anybody to get hurt or even be inconvenienced by his actions. It’s a shame it ended the way it did, but it was an audacious and memorable end.

Can you tell I’m dancing around this? I’d like to get your thoughts on it. Please use the comments. Were you as fascinated as I was by this? We’re bombarded with news stories ’round the clock, but this one went straight to Number One on my charts, for a good 24 hours. What about you?

Alright, let’s move on to less treacherous things. Around midnight last night, I uploaded Episode 13 of The Jeff Kay Show podcast. It’s everywhere, or should be. Let me know if you can’t find it on your podcast app o’ choice. Here it is at Patreon. And here’s the description:

In this one, I talk about my three semesters at West Virginia State College. Very little effort was put forth, I received the results I deserved and dismissed it all as nothing more than 13th grade. You’ll learn about a memorable English class, a photography course that still haunts me to this day, and a wild filmmaking class I took with my friend Rocky. And I close it out with another Rocky story, involving vodka and Five Alive. I hope you enjoy it! Please let me know.

I have an interesting plugin (or whatever the hell) installed on this computer. It’s called Grammarly, and it monitors your writing and offers suggestions. And one thing I now realize, after using it for a few months… I don’t know shit about commas. I thought I did, but apparently I was completely wrong. The thing is constantly telling me to add a comma here, remove a comma there. It’s relentless, and feels mildly naggy. Ya know? Also, I don’t always agree with it. Have you used this thing? What are your thoughts? It catches some legit problems for me, so there’s value. But it feels like a virtual backseat driver sometimes.

My new phone arrived a few days ago, and it’s activated and everything. It’s super fast! However… the secret internal clock has been turned on and I’m sure the thing will become sluggish-by-design in about 16 months. Is that paranoid? I don’t think so. I think that shit’s built in. But I’ve got about a year before the real bogging down begins. Loving it so far. It’s the LG V30.

And I need to start winding this one down already. I need to make a big plate of toast and eggs and get ready for work. I’m in a toast and eggs groove right now. It takes a little work, but the payoff is enormous. I’m not hungry for hours, which is amazing to me. And I’m getting better and better at preparing it. They’re near perfection every time now.

I’ll leave you with an additional Question for you guys to ponder. Is there anything that instantly takes you back to a sickness or some other unpleasantness from earlier in your life? I’ll give you a few personal examples:

When I was in high school I got some kind of flu-like horribleness and stayed home for days. It was miserable. I’d just lie on my bed, feeling like absolute shit, listening to an album I’d just bought: Adventures in Utopia by Utopia. You know, that Todd Rundgren band from the 70s/80s? Anyway, for years I was unable to play that record because it transported me back to the sickbed and the all-encompassing yuck of that week.

Also, I got super-sick one time after drinking an enormous number of Long Island Iced Teas with Rocky. It was bad, my friends. And even now, I can’t stand the smell of those things. Or even something like a 7 & 7, which is Long Island Iced Tea-suggestive. I mean, that shit was 35 years ago, and it still holds true today. I can’t stomach the smell, and I’d probably upchuck if I actually took a sip of one. Blecch.

And, when we lived in California I came down with a bad case of what the doctor declared bronchitis. I don’t know, but it took me out, boys and girls. The guy gave me all kinds of shit about not coming to see him except when I’m sick, and I didn’t even have the energy to tell him to ram it up his ass. There’s a time and a place, motherfucker. Anyway, there have been two times in my life when I was so sick I was actually concerned, and that was one of them. It was about 105 degrees outside and I was shivering under a pile of blankets. It was crazy. And the older boy was very young and would watch the same videos over and over and over. In one of those kiddie videos, there was a black woman who sounded like she might be from one of the Caribbean islands, singing a song called “Miss Mary Mac” or something similar. Whenever I heard that thing, for months or years later, I felt actual anxiety. Weird, huh?

What do you have on this one? Anything? Please tell us about it in the comments.

And I need to go now. You guys have a great day!

I’ll be back on Thursday.

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

What’s Your Relationship With The Big Brands?

Before we get into this one, I have a couple of quick things… First of all, why is there so much Everclear hatred in the world? I’m listening to their So Much For The Afterglow album and enjoying the living shit out of it. I like most of their stuff, at least the stuff I’ve heard. But whenever I mention them — almost without exception — people shout, “Oh god, I hate them!” I don’t understand. The songs are solid, the lyrics are compelling, and the guitars are crunchy. Why all the hate? I’m baffled. Oh well.

Also, the podcast is now in iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play, and TuneIn. Those are the heavy hitters, and many of the smaller apps feed directly off iTunes, so it should continue to spread. The availability, anyway. Not sure about the number of downloads. But it’s available in most places at this point, I believe. I have to wait on Spotify and IHeartRadio. Both require five episodes, but I’m not sure how many people use those services for podcasts, anyway. I’ll attempt to get listed in both places, as soon as possible.

Anyway, if you use an app that does not list the Monday episodes of The Jeff Kay Show let me know and I’ll try to rectify the situation. And in the meantime, here’s the Thursday episode — for patrons only. The Thursday episodes are for the folks who contribute $4 or more per month, right here. Join us! It’s fun. Here’s the description for the new one:

After an enormous amount of research, a new cell phone is finally on its way to the nondescript home in suburban Pennsylvania. I obsess about that kind of thing and go on a lengthy tangent about the other ridiculous crap I fixate on. The list is fairly lengthy. Then, of course, I reveal the Whistle Dick of the Week. A Thursday tradition! Thanks for listening, and thanks for the support! It is sincerely appreciated.

Finally, when I logged into WordPress a few minutes ago there was a notification asking if I’m interested in being an early adopter of the Gutenberg system, or somesuch. I clicked yes, because why not? It said in the near future we’ll be FORCED to go full-Gutenberg, whatever the hell that is. So I went for it, and when it was finished shuckin’ ‘n’ jivin’ I think I had the exact same look on my face as this gentleman. It was like a completely different program. WTF? I mean, there was no resemblance whatsoever to what I’m used to doing. So, I frantically looked for the GO BACK TO CLASSIC button. Good god. There’s going to be a full-blown learning curve with this thing. I don’t mind minor tweaks, but sweet sainted mother of the Crimson Chin! This looks like a complete overhaul. Why?? Why can’t they just leave us alone? Am I going to have to be Six Sigma certified now, to run a freaking blog? Sheesh.

Now to the brand names… What brands are you loyal to? Are there any products that absolutely have to be a certain brand for you? I can only think of a few for me. I only buy Wrangler jeans, not because they’re stylish (obviously) but because I like the way they fit. If I buy some other brand, any other brand, it’ll feel weird and I’ll be walking around adjusting and tugging and pulling. I can’t have that. Also, I’m locked in on some toiletry brands. I’m not much for, you know, armpit adventurism, and that sort o’ thing. What about you? What do you have on this one? Which brands are a must? Tell us about it in the comments.

Also what store brands or off-brands are as good or better than the big nationals? I’m thinking potato chips, right? I like Lay’s, they’re solid, but some of the regional brands are as good or better. What else falls into that category?

And finally, what brands do you have an aversion to? Possibly an irrational aversion? I’m gonna go with Apple. I know their products are fantastic, but they annoy the shit out of me. The whole Apple thing… The smugness of their fans is at the top of the list. Plus, their software and all their stupid ways of doing things piss me off. Do you have anything like that? Let’s hear about it.

What’s your relationship with the big brands? Are you absolutely loyal to Ford, or Fruit of the Loom, or Nike? Or whatever? Tell us all about it, won’t you?

And I’m going to go see my buddy over at the Chinese carryout near our house and get this day underway. He calls me “Mr. Jeff,” by the way. He’s good people. And his beleaguered underlings make one hell of a beef and broccoli.

I’ll see you guys again on Monday.

Have a fantastic day and weekend!

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In Celebration Of Getting Drunk At Work, And A Very Special Episode Of The Jeff Kay Show

Obviously, I don’t get drunk at work. Let’s be clear about that. I mean, seriously. But Toney and I were watching an episode of The Office a few days ago and Jim and Andy got smashed while working on some special project after hours, and it got me to thinkin’… Do people really get a buzz on at work, during regular business hours? I assume the answer is yes, and would like to get your feedback on this one.

Some personal experience I’ve had on the subject:

When I worked at Fas-Chek, a grocery store in Dunbar, I think all the managers were hitting the sauce, all day long. They kept bottles in their cars and were walking back and forth on an almost continuous basis. Then they’d come back in and call us numb-nuts and shit-for-brains, etc. Ahhhh… such precious memories.

In fact, after I’d been there for a year or so, and earned his trust, the night manager would occasionally ask me if I wanted a “special Coke.” Then he’d leave the store for a few minutes, and bring me back a bottle of soda loaded with rotgut whiskey. Helped take the edge off of a long night of stocking the feminine napkins.

And at the same store, we used to drink beers inside the walk-in coolers, after 10 pm when the drunk manager went home. It’s insane, now that I think about it, but the manager left at 10 and the store stayed open until midnight. So, for the last two hours, the whole place was run by dumbass high school kids. As you might imagine, shenanigans ensued.

Later, at the Dunbar Exxon, there was a lot of drinking on the job, as well. The owners left around 5 pm, it was super-busy until about 8 pm, then it was Miller Time. When I worked the overnight shift, Miller Time started upon arrival. You’d get your register drawer in order, clean up to your satisfaction behind the counter, and grab a quart of beer from the cooler. Ridiculous.

Also, in Atlanta, I worked at a place called Gemini Distributing for about six months. They were an indie music distributor, located in Norcross. Long out of business… But I went to lunch most days with some rambunctious character straight out of The Bronx, or somesuch. His accent was as thick as his drinking problem. He was a smart dude, and a musician, as well. But he had a small problem with the bottle… And he’d get shithoused on lunch break every day. We’d go to Pizza Hut and he’d do nothing but drink beer. He’d start with a pitcher, finish it off, and start ordering pints until our hour was up. He was always trying to get me to join him, and I never would. “I guess you’re not as hard-driving as I am…” he’d say in his Bowery Boys accent. Wonder what happened to that guy? He was no dummy, that’s for sure.

What do you have on this? Anything? Please share your stories of drinking on the job. Use the comments section above or below. I can’t remember and am too lazy to check.

Finally, I have something to announce from the Biting Off More Than I Can Chew desk… I’ve decided to release two episodes of the podcast every week, instead of just one. Until I change my mind, there will now be episodes released on Monday and Thursday. But… here’s how it’s gonna work:

Monday’s episode will be available everywhere, including the podcast app currently on your phone. Wherever you get yer podcasts, the Monday episodes will be there and completely free. Eventually. More on that in a moment…

Thursday’s episode will be available only to patrons at Patreon who contribute $4 or more per month. Just like it is now. Nothing changes with Thursday. These episodes WILL NOT be available everywhere. Only at Patreon.

In fact, all episodes will be available at Patreon. Monday will be wide-open to anyone who cares to listen, and Thursday will be locked-down for patrons only.

Is that confusing? I don’t think it is, but what do I know?

By the way, a HUGE thank you to the folks who have decided to support me at Patreon. You guys are awesome, and I appreciate it sincerely. I hope you’re enjoying the podcast, and I’m working on some other patron-only benefits, as well. Thank you guys!

And I’m enjoying the podcast more than I could’ve ever imagined and want to crank it up a bit. I like the idea of having one episode per week available to the general public. It’s fun, so far. Let’s see what happens with it. Nothing but crickets probably, but you never know.

Here’s the frustrating part, though. The center of the podcast universe, unfortunately, is Apple. Most of the podcast directories feed off iTunes in some way, so you HAVE to be on iTunes. And dealing with Apple is nothing short of maddening. In fact, after I published Crossroads Road I attempted to get it into the Apple ebooks store, and finally just said fukkit. They make it so impossibly complicated you want to start punching panes of glass.

And this was no different. I started the odyssey on Saturday afternoon, and finally got the thing submitted to iTunes sometime on Sunday. During that time I nearly had a full-on nervous breakdown. If it hadn’t been for a Reddit page for podcasters, I would’ve never figured it out. Check this: you have to use the first Apple ID you ever created (not necessarily the current one) with which you made a purchase. So, if your login information has changed through the years, the current one won’t work for submitting a podcast. You have to use the one from 2006 or whatever. Nowhere is this information made clear, plus it makes no sense. WTF??

Anyway, it’s in Apple’s hands now. I’m waiting for them to review and approve the podcast. From what I read it can take anywhere from three hours to ten days. I received a confirmation email from them, but no approval yet. So… let’s give it some time.

The first episode is, however, up in Stitcher. They’re the second largest directory, so that’s some progress. Also, it’s at Patreon. I had some problems with this one, including a power outage, two computer crashes, and my son suddenly blasting Slayer while I was recording. Also, I was a little tired and sound a bit Tom Waits-like. But I think there are some laughs. I’m pretty happy with it. Give it a listen, if you’re so inclined.

Hopefully, by next Monday you’ll be able to pull the Monday episodes up on your favorite app. Except for Spotify. You have to have five episodes in the can before Spotify will add you. But we’ll be there soon. As they say… stay tuned.

And I’m calling it a day, my friends. Let me know what you have on people drinking at work. And if you have any questions about the podcast thing, put ’em in the comments and I’ll respond ASAP. The Surf Report is blocked at my job (I think it’s categorized as FILTH), so it’s a little difficult. But I’ll answer as soon as I can.

I’ll see you guys again soon. Thursday, in fact.

Have a great day!

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!

What’s Your Relationship With Spiders? I Hate The Bastards!

My boss is recovering from a spider bite on her shoulder that really messed her up. It happened while she was walking her dog, she said, and in short order… she was running a high fever and the bite area just kept getting worse and worse. She went to the doctor and they immediately knew what it was, and put her on the road to recovery. But, holy crap. That thing did a number on her. She showed me her shoulder and it looked like she’d taken a hit from a flamethrower. “And that’s a big improvement,” she assured me. Man, I hate spiders. I really do.

A couple of years ago, in very similar circumstances, I took Andy, the King of Dogs, out to sling some urine. And when I returned to the Surf Report bunker something stung me or bit me on my left forearm. It felt like a bee sting, but the aftermath was something completely different. I leaped from the chair and began hollering like a hillbilly in a mudsuck, and never actually recovered the offending insect. But I’m pretty sure it was a spider of some sort.

My left arm went full post-spinach Popeye on me, and the skin was so stretched I thought it might start pulling apart. It was crazy! Then it started changing colors, and eventually, a clear liquid began pouring out of it on an almost continuous basis. People at work were aghast and said I needed to go immediately to the emergency room. But I just wore longsleeve shirts and rode it out. Probably not the greatest plan, but it worked out for me. And at this point, I’m probably immune to everything. Right? I’m not willing to test it. What am I going to do, start boxing cobras? I don’t think so.

Have you ever been taken down by an insect bite? Did you ever develop a limb that changed colors with your moods? “Oh look, Jeff’s in a whimsical frame of mind. His diseased left arm is a deep yellow.” Goddammit, I’m getting pissed just thinking about it. I hate those little creeping sacks of poison. Always creeping… looking for a place to deposit their toxins…

But, of course, whenever there’s something that’s almost universally hated (or loved) there are the contrarians who insist on going the other way with it. You know, the folks who take great pleasure in informing you that spiders serve a higher purpose, etc. Fuck off. I’ll burn down this house if I have to, to get rid of one of those bastards. And by the way… Bravo, contrarians. Bravo.

I’ve known two people, both former co-workers, who almost died because of spider bites. One was in the hospital for a month or maybe longer. It got into his bloodstream, and he was all messed up. Almost went to the light. I think he had to learn to walk again, and things like that. And the other guy was cleaning up his yard, carrying a bunch of sticks and crap, and was bitten by a Brown Recluse near his belly button. A freaking porthole opened up in his fleshy torso (he insisted on sharing photos later) that was one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen. The porthole was hideous, as well.

What’s your relationship with spiders? Are you one of those weirdos who take them outside, so they can kill another day? Or do you fight fire with fire like us rational folks?

Also, what’s your worst insect encounter? I was stung once by a wasp, in the middle of my back, straight through my shirt. I’d like to have that on video. You could probably play a James Brown song over the top of it, and I’d look like I had some serious moves, my friends.

I need to call it a day. I posted Episode 10 of The Jeff Kay Show podcast today, right here. And here’s the description:

In this one we discuss the younger boy’s solo trip to New York City (gulp!), people with no sense of adventure, my transition from no confidence to a state of freeing defiance, the Baseball Weirdness hashtag, the Whistle Dick of the Week, and an exciting announcement at the end! Thank you guys for listening! And thanks for the support!! It’s much appreciated.

You guys have a great weekend. Mine is starting a day early, ’cause I took Friday off for no other reason than I wanted to. How do you like them apples?

I’ll see you again on Monday!

Now playing in the bunker

Support us by doing your shopping on Amazon! In Canada? Here’s your link. Thank you, guys!