Joshua Becker's Blog, page 67

7 Proven Ways to Break Your Cell Phone Habit

The statistics are quite overwhelming:

The typical cell phone user touches his or her phone 2,617 times every day. 2,617 times!Most people, on average, spend 3 hours and 15 minutes on their phones each day.Half of all phone pickups happen within 3 minutes of a previous one.

And the impact of this usage is staggering:

Reducing the quality of conversations. Adversely impacting short-term memory and problem solving.Negatively affecting our sleep patterns.Resulting in more negativity, distress, and less emotional recovery in young children.Increasing obesity.And the positive correlation between smartphone addiction and depression is alarming.

You would think, given the statistics and what we know to be true about cell phone usage, it would be easy to put down and walk away. But I can attest the struggle is real.

As a parent of two who makes his living online in this modern world, I know full-well the addictive nature of mobile devices and how great the internal battle is to harness the benefits of our smartphones without falling prey to its intentionally addictive design.

Nor do I miss the ironic fact that many of you are reading this very article on your phone.

Phones are good and helpful… you are able to read this article right now because of it. But we know all too well they also have the potential to become a negative presence in our life if we allow them.

So how do we keep cell phone usage in proper alignment with our lives? What are some tools or ideas to help us cut down on our cell phone usage?

Here is a list of seven I have used myself or learned from others:

7 Proven Ways to Break Your Cell Phone Habit



1. Set aside one day/week.

This is, by far, the most common approach I see among people who have taken intentional steps to curb their cell phone habit nowadays. But I credit Tammy Strobel for being the first person I heard talk about it—almost ten years ago. Choose one day each week (usually a Saturday and Sunday) and set your phone aside. That’s it, make a habit of it.

2. Use a 30-Day Experiment to reset your usage.

For me personally, this has been the most helpful way to break my cell phone habit. My cell phone use, when not intentionally limited, tends to take over more and more of my free time. It happens unintentionally and quietly—I don’t even seem to notice it happening.

Seven years ago, I gave up my smartphone for Lent and used it only for calling and texting (no other apps allowed—even maps and photos). It was a 40-day period of reset that helped me align my usage with more important pursuits in life. Since that first experiment, I have used the 30-day reset two additional times—each with great success.

3. Use apps to bolster self-control.

There are apps for almost every problem in life. In fact, there are even some wonderful apps built to help us limit our time on our devices. Here are some of my favorites:

Space. Set goals and track your daily progress to manage your habits.

Forest. ($1.99) Stay focused, be present. Forest is a beautifully designed app that brings gamification to productivity and results in real trees being planted based on your personal phone use habits.

Moment. Through short, daily exercises, Moment helps you use your phone in a healthy way.

Flipd. Lock away distracting apps for complete focus.

Screentime. Set daily usage limits on your phone or specific apps.

4. Don’t charge your phone near your bed.

Want to know the best way to keep your kids off their phones too much? Don’t allow them to charge their phones in their bedroom.

Want to know a great way to keep yourself off your phone? Don’t charge it in your bedroom.

Many of the negative effects of overuse (poor sleep, hindered communication and intimacy) can be eliminated by keeping your cell phone out of your bedroom. As with many of the items on this list, this is a principle I’ve found personally helpful.

5. Put your phone away when you walk in the door.

Christopher Mims writes a weekly technology column for The Wall Street Journal—a job that certainly requires the use of tech on a consistent basis. His simple and proven way to keep life in healthy balance with his cell phone is to put it in a kitchen cabinet at the end of the workday. In his words, “The more you physically remove the phone, the more you can build a habit of having some ability to ignore it when it’s on your person.”

When you finish your day of work, put your phone in a drawer or cabinet. This is a helpful practice for all people, but I think it is especially important if you have kids or a spouse at home in need of our undivided attention.

6. Change your phone settings.

Among the most often suggested ideas for reducing cell phone usage, you find tips and tricks by simply changing the settings on your phone.

The most common suggested ideas:

Turn off notifications Set screen to black-and-white Remove distraction-based apps from your home screen Set a longer passcode Use airplane modeTurn on do not disturb

In my opinion, turning off notifications is something everyone should do regardless of how habitual their cell phone use is. Just because someone in the world wants to text you, email you, or tag you in a post on Facebook doesn’t mean they deserve your attention. My cell phone screen is not currently set to grayscale, but I have found that setting helpful in the past.

7. Put a hairband around your phone.

In one of the most thoughtful personal stories I’ve ever read on how to overcome cell phone addiction, Brad Soroka recommends placing a hairband around your cell phone. When placed in the middle of the phone, the hairband allows users to answer phone calls easily, but makes other uses of the phone more difficult (including simple texting).

In his words, “Every time you want to use your phone, this brings about a mindfulness exercise and makes you ask ‘what is my intention?’ If you really want to use the phone, set your intention for why, and remove the hair band.”

The hairband trick is not about making your phone impossible to use. The practice is about bringing greater mindfulness to each specific use of it… as opposed to mindlessly unlocking your phone every 3 minutes.

When used as a collection of tools to improve my work, health, parenting, and life, cell phones are wonderful and bring countless benefits. But when used mindlessly and unintentionally, they become a distraction from the things in life that matter most—in addition to the negative effects listed above.

Learning how to use our smartphones effectively may be one of the most important life skills any of us can learn.

How My Shopping Habits Changed After Simplifying My Home and Life

Note: This is a guest post from Julianna Poplin of The Simplicity Habit.

It wasn’t that long ago when a trip to the mall would mean hours scouring stores looking for the best deal and all the new trendy things I just had to have. Shopping, for me, was part-hobby, part-sport. It my idea of fun.

If I spent too much, I’d feel guilty and experience buyer’s remorse. There would be a sinking feeling in my gut every time I opened my credit card bill. But that didn’t stop me from continuing the cycle.

I maintained that pattern from my teenage years into my thirties.

But then, something changed. I had children and suddenly my time, priorities, and life began to look different. When my kids were little, I started on a journey to simplify my life—one drawer and one closet at a time.

It wasn’t easy. The process forced me to ask difficult questions: Why had I spent money on some of these things? What had I been thinking at the time? I felt careless and foolish for some of the decisions I’d made.

I decluttered my home. Somewhere along the way, my thoughts on shopping changed drastically.

Here are 5 ways my shopping habits changed after simplifying:

1. Shopping is no longer a hobby

Gone are the days of enjoying marathon shopping trips just for the fun of it.  I no longer find myself in a store because I’m bored or can’t think of anything else to do. That doesn’t mean I don’t have downtime in my life, it just means I have found other things to do that are more enjoyable than walk through a department store full of things I don’t need.

I’ve come to a place where my desire to live simply and without clutter outweighs any desire I have to shop.

It isn’t easy to live simply in a consumer culture. We’ve been told shopping is a great way to spend your day or that the sale happening right now will never be repeated. Social media is filled with memes about moms shopping at Target because there’s truth to it. I used to be one of those moms.

But I’m not embarrassed to say that Target isn’t my happy place anymore.

After dealing with my clutter, I saw consumerism differently. My eyes were opened anew to marketing messages and the consumer traps I’d fallen into. I woke up and saw advertising for what it is: Companies trying to make money by making us feel like we need things that we don’t actually need.

Occasionally, I enjoy shopping with my mom and sister but only when I’m looking for a specific item or am trying to help them find something.

Shopping is no longer something I do for entertainment. There are
better things that I can do with my time for both my bank account and my
well-being. I much prefer reading, writing, or having coffee with a friend. Consider
how your time could be better spent if you quit shopping for fun. What would
you do instead? How could your money be better used?

On the rare occasion when I do go shopping, it’s for something
specific. I often leave the store empty handed. I’m fine with that. It saves me
money. The only time it frustrates me is when I feel like I’ve spent too much
time looking for just the ‘right’ thing.

2. I have become extraordinarily picky

After simplifying my home, I have become more selective when I do buy things. Simplifying has resulted in me becoming more intentional in my purchases than ever before.

This is an artifact of sorting and decluttering so many items from my home. During the process I removed so many items I had simply settled for and never really used or loved. At the time, maybe they were on sale or I hated the idea of leaving a store empty-handed. But I felt the pain of regret on having wasted money on so many unnecessary things.

Clothes were the biggest offender. I’d convince myself I needed to be on trend or buy the latest style or color. I’d try on various pairs of jeans and simply settle for what was good enough. But in the end, they didn’t fit quite right or I’d have to keep pulling and tugging at them. They became more annoying more than anything and I didn’t feel like myself when I wore them. Life is too short to wear uncomfortable or fussy clothes.

Nowadays, I need to be sure I really love or need an item before I purchase it. The high of simply buying something new wears off quickly and the process of dealing with regret and mistakes feels terrible. So be selective in what you buy. Don’t settle. You’re better than that.

3. Buying gifts is a greater challenge

In the past, I rarely considered the potential impact of a gift on the person I was giving it to. If it was an item I thought they might enjoy or was their favorite color, I’d buy it. But after simplifying and decluttering, I’ve become much more intentional in my gift giving.

I don’t want to create clutter in other people’s homes. I want the gift to be enjoyable and useful. I never want someone hanging onto a gift I gave them that they didn’t like. (I know some people have a hard time giving things that are gifted to them).

I give much more thought to whether a gift will actually be useful to them. I have found that buying consumables or experiences as gifts helps considerably in my thought process. In those instances, I know the gift will not be something that adds clutter to their home.

Don’t be afraid to ask people what they want or would find useful. Let’s agree to stop giving each other clutter!

4. I have become more protective about what my kids receive from others

I am fortunate to have parents and in-laws who try to respect my need for simplicity. I know that is not always the case.

In my family, before holidays and birthdays, family members will ask me for suggestions on what to get my girls. My mom’s love language is not gift giving, she much prefers quality time. So her new tradition is to take my girls out on a date. They enjoy breakfast together and then shop for something I’ve said they need—usually shoes.

My in-laws, on the other hand, are gift givers. It is their love language and they enjoy seeing the girls’ faces light up at whatever toy they’ve purchased for them. Most years, I’ve been able to think of something fun they would enjoy—but I will admit it is getting harder as they get older.

I don’t want more toys in the house. They already have too many. I have one child who will easily declutter and one who struggles greatly to let things go. Even though I know it isn’t the intent, it is still challenging to not see additional gifts as a burden.

This is a big change in how I see the world.

When kids have more toys than they can manage, it creates problems. Things stop getting put back. They get stressed over ‘not knowing where things go.’ I either end up doing more picking up or we have ‘heated conversations’ over needing to take care of their things otherwise mom will take the things away. It is an unneeded stress for them and for me.

I am now a fan of experience-based gifts. The kids enjoy them and they don’t create more clutter and stress in our home. And this isn’t just about keeping clutter down, science tells us those experiences create far more meaningful and lasting memories than a plastic toy. It’s not always easy to get everyone on board with what you think is best, but a mom can try.

If you buy gifts for kids, don’t buy cheap junk just to bring a smile to a child’s face. There are other ways to accomplish that smile without adding the burden of clutter.

5. Shopping exemplified my selfishness

How you spend your money reflects your priorities and your heart.

When I would shop for fun and buy things I ultimately didn’t need or want, my priority was me. It was a self-centered experience focused on what I thought I was lacking. Marketing was aimed towards making me think about me more, which I didn’t need help with. That’s a pretty natural tendency.

My shopping habits were selfish, and it ended with me having a cluttered home. This can be hard to admit, but it’s true. And ultimately, it cost me more than it benefited me.

Once I was able to get outside of myself and my own desires, I was able to see how much true need there is in the world. Suddenly, the purpose for my money wasn’t just to make me happier.

Simplifying helped me see there are better and more important things I can do with my money than spend it on things I don’t need.

Wasting my money on silly things made me feel satisfied in the short-run, but it resulted in me feeling bad in the long-run. Choosing instead to be responsible by saving and giving brought me long-lasting peace and contentment.

My life and shopping habits have changed for the better as I decluttered and simplified my home and life. I no longer have the desire to window shop or buy things just because. Instead, I focus on what I already have. I choose to be grateful instead of dwelling on what I’m lacking.

I don’t miss shopping, not at all. I think about all the time I’ve gotten back to do other better things. Simplifying didn’t force me to stop shopping—it increased my awareness and changed my perspective so I no longer enjoyed accumulating more.

***

Julianna Poplin blogs at The Simplicity Habit . She is a wife, mama, and professional declutterer who helps people create margin so they can say yes to the great. You can also find her on Facebook.

Inspiring Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

F ill your life with stories to tell, not stuff to show.

The simplicity/minimalism movement is a beautiful community. And I enjoy any opportunity to promote writing that encourages people to live more by owning less.

So fix yourself a nice warm cup of coffee or tea. Find a quiet moment this weekend. And enjoy some encouraging words to inspire more simplicity in your life today.

Shop Less, Live More – Save the Planet. It Doesn’t Sound That Bad to Me | The Guardian by Gaby Hinsliff. A sustainable environment means consuming less, not differently. With retail therapy losing its appeal, that should be easy.

12 Ways to Find More Time in Your Busy Life | Thrive Global by Milena Regos. I changed the way I work and found that busyness doesn’t equal productivity.

Does Minimalism Make Your Life Better? | Lemonade. The pursuit and purchase of physical possessions will never fully satisfy our desire for happiness.

Why Slow Mornings May Be the Secret to Tech-Life Balance | Elemental Medium by Andrew Zaleski. The strategies people are employing … are about redefining their relationship with technology in a way that orients their lives toward better mental health and well-being.

7 Things That Shouldn’t Impress Us Anymore | Joshua Becker on YouTube

What to Do When You Get Stuck Decluttering

Let’s face it: Becoming minimalist can be hard work—especially if you’re working through an entire home. A lot of times, we start the process excited about the potential of owning less. But soon, the enormity of the task begins to set in.

As a result, there are times when you may feel frustrated, disheartened, or want to quit altogether. If that is you, let me encourage you today. You can do it! You can make progress this weekend.

To help, here are seven strategies for when you feel stuck decluttering:

I have recorded a series of videos about minimalism. To watch more, subscribe to Becoming Minimalist on YouTube.

72-Hour Minimalist Ebook Bundle

For the next 72 hours, the Simple Bundle is available.

What is the Simple Bundle?

For the next three days, 17 minimalist bloggers and writers have come together to offer 17 of the most helpful ebooks & courses on the topic of minimalism in one unbelievable package for $37.

If bought separately, the products would total a retail value of $225. But for the next 72 hours, we’ve come together to offer them all in one place for one low price.

Why the Simple Bundle Sale?

For the past couple months, I’ve been wanting to collaborate with other minimalist/simple living bloggers on a special project that would benefit our readers and would be fun for all of us to do together.

The Simple Bundle was born. Some of the best minimalist resources, from some of the best minimalist writers on the planet, all together at once for a limited time.

It’s a great deal for our readers, great publicity for each of the writers, and a wonderful way to continue promoting minimalism around the world.

Where can I buy the books?

The Bundle can be found on The Simple Bundle website for the next 72 hours only. The sale starts right now, but ends Tuesday morning at 8am ET.

What books and resources are included?

I’m glad you asked. Here is a list of all 17 ebooks and/or courses you’ll find in the Simple Bundle:

1. Clutterfree with Kids by Joshua Becker

As parents, balancing life and managing clutter may appear impossible—or at the very least, never-ending. But what if there was a better way to live? Clutterfree with Kids offers a new perspective and fresh approach to overcoming clutter. With helpful insights and inspiring stories, the book serves as a valuable resource for parents.

2. Essential: Essays by The Minimalists

The best of The Minimalists. This collection of essays has been edited and organized to create an experience that’s considerably different from reading individual selections. From simple living, decluttering, and finances, to passion, health, and relationships, Essential is for anyone who desires a more intentional life.

3. Enough by Patrick Rhone

Enough is a very personal metric. What is enough? Like our center of gravity, each of us must find what is enough by swaying from less to more until a comfortable medium is found. Discover the tools and strategies you need to find what is enough for you right now and provide the flexibility to adjust as the conditions change. As an added bonus, you will also receive Patrick’s book Minimal Mac with helpful advice to simplify technology.

4. Miss Minimalist by Francine Jay

This delightful collection of articles provides great inspiration to pare down your possessions. Jay breezes from practical topics, like “What’s in a Minimalist Kitchen” and “How Many Shoes are Enough,” to more philosophical musings, like what the Japanese or ancient Greeks can teach us about simple living.

5. 30 Days to a Simpler Life Course by Brian Gardner

Complete with action plans, challenges, stories, and recommended further reading on topics such as home, digital, finances, work, mind, and life, this 30-day email course will inspire + encourage you to design a simple life. Delivered as a PDF file.

6. Microbusiness Email Course by Courtney Carver

Ever dream of starting your own business? You’ll benefit from this course if you’ve ever wanted to create a microbusiness, develop a new income stream, start a blog, or approach social media in an intentional way. This course includes 1 PDF with 12 Lessons, 2 inspiring playlists, and more than 34 minutes of audio lessons.

7. The Clutter Cleanse by Erica Layne

Discover the nine truths that are keeping you stuck in a home with too much stuff and with a heart that feels so much heavier than it needs to. If you want to declutter and experience the freedom of living with less—but if you somehow never make real progress toward your goal—this book will teach you why and will empower you to make lasting change.

8. One Bite at a Time by Tsh Oxenreider

Broken down into manageable chunks, One Bite at a Time provides you with steps, tips, links, and motivation to slow down and simplify. With this book, you’ll receive permission to focus on just one thing at a time, until you’ve got that task down—and then you can move on to the next one. It is practical and do-able.

9. The Minimalism Challenge by Minimalism Co.

The Minimalism Challenge offers a full year’s worth of lessons on how to transform your life with simple steps that empower you to improve your decision-making, build good habits, and focus on what matters most. It includes 52 lessons grouped into 12 monthly themes that teach you how to live easy for an entire year (and beyond) by cultivating awareness, clarity, and focus.

10. The Cozy Life by Pia Edberg

This is the original and first published book about Hygge that started it all… In today’s world, we’re constantly rushing from one thing to the next and are struggling with information overload. Rediscover the joy of the simple things through the Danish concept of Hygge in The Cozy Life. This book will inspire you to slow down and enjoy life’s cozy moments!

 11. Break The Twitch by Anthony Ongaro

Break the Twitch is all about taking a step back, identifying the Twitch—the impulsive, unproductive responses we have to discomfort—minimizing those distractions, kicking the clutter, and doing more of what matters. If you’re tired of your life being left on autopilot and you long to live more intentionally, you need this book.

12. Fresh Start by Sandy Kreps

Fresh Start is a must-have for anyone that needs to declutter their home and simplify their lifestyle. Simplicity and green living writer Sandy Kreps offers suggestions to help you get rid of unnecessary items in your home as well as clearing out those extraneous tasks and commitments that keep you moving at a frantic pace.

13. Considerations by Colin Wright

Considerations is a book about attaining new perspective, figuring out what you believe, and determining how those beliefs should guide your actions. The book contains over fifty short essays intended to spark new ideas and questions.

14. Simplify Magazine: The Decluttering Issue

In this issue of Simplify Magazine, we tackle the important issue of living clutter free. The insightful articles were written by professional organizers, storytellers, life coaches, authors, and some of today’s leading minds and voices in the simplicity movement. You will find thoughtful and practical ideas on spring cleaning, thinning out your closet, and decluttering your mind.

15. RightSizing by Kathy Gottberg

Most people don’t start thinking about retirement until they hit 40, 50 or beyond. But what if making some simple changes in the way we live today gave us the opportunity to retire earlier and more fearlessly than we expect? If you’re worried about your future and are tired of the rat race that seems to lead nowhere, rightsizing might be the best way for you to reimagine your life—starting today

16. The Smart Girl’s Guide To Surviving Her Twenties by Courtney Livingston

You’re just seven steps away from knowing everything you need to know about surviving and thriving throughout the most transformative decade of your life. Okay, maybe not everything, but at least the important stuff. This quick, fun read will fully prepare you to take on this very exciting stage of life that is being in your twenties.

17. The Ultimate Guide to An Uncluttered Life by Allie Casazza

Unavailable outside of Allie’s online courses, this power-packed PDF will help you develop a life-giving morning ritual to start each day off right, simplify the time-consuming task of meal planning and grocery shopping, setup simple home rhythms so what needs to get done gets done, change your phone settings to quiet the tech noise and live present, and much more.

If any of the preceding minimalist books spark your interest, you can purchase them individually or you can purchase them all for $37 this weekend only. Not a bad deal if you ask me.

But the offer does end in 72 hours. Don’t miss it.

Saying I’m Sorry? Avoid This Word at All Costs.

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Allison Niebes-Davis, PhD of Dr. Allison Answers.

Several months ago, in a busy season of life, I was working more than normal. I was just a few months into expanding my psychology practice, hiring new psychologists, training new staff, and handling all the official stuff that comes with being a small business owner.

I’d pulled several late nights at the office, pushing and hustling to get things done. I knew the pace wasn’t doable forever, but in that early phase, it was necessary.

After several long days and late nights, my husband and I both acknowledged the toll the workload was taking. We knew we needed to carve out space for quality time together.

Given that we’re both psychologists, we’re pretty good about paying attention to our relationship and what it needs, aware of what happens when humans neglect relationships for too long.

Knowing quality time was in order, I looked at my schedule the night before. When I noticed I didn’t have clients the following evening, I told him I’d be home early so we could have dinner together, go on a walk, and just relax.

It was good for us to know a reconnect was just around the corner. I was looking forward to it, and I had every intention of being home early when I said I would.

But I’m guessing you can imagine what happened next.

The next day, I ran late with clients, scrambled to put out several fires, and returned a handful of phone calls that couldn’t wait. I walked into our house, an hour and a half late, knowing I’d messed up.

My husband had cooked, and my dinner sat waiting for me, cold on the kitchen table. It was that cliché image of someone working too much and ignoring what matters.

The minute I surveyed the scene I felt an overwhelming pang of guilt. I’d broken a promise. I hadn’t done what I said I would do. And I missed something important.

Here’s a painful truth about relationships: We mess up. We hurt others. And we speak out of anger. We forget important things. We lash out at our partners. And we lose patience with our children. We don’t mean to do these things, but we do. They’re part of being human, and they’re part of engaging in relationships.

So even though we don’t mean to mess up, we do.

When we do mess up, lose our cool, or hurt someone we care about, an apology is in order. Owning up to our mistakes, acknowledging their impact, and saying we’re sorry is important.

In that moment, as I looked at my cold dinner on the kitchen table, I knew I needed to apologize. But it turns out, saying I’m sorry is a little trickier than we think.

When you apologize, it’s important to acknowledge three different things: the action, the impact, and the intention.

1. Acknowledging the action is about calling attention to the offense itself. Running late, lashing out, or being inconsiderate. By calling attention to the specific action, you let the person you care about know you are aware of your exact error.

2. Calling attention to the impact means you acknowledge how the other person was affected. You acknowledge how your offense made them feel. Perhaps they felt hurt, disrespected, or unimportant. Acknowledging the impact of your actions is a step so often skipped, mainly because it’s uncomfortable to sit with the way our mistake has impacted someone we care about. I knew my husband would be hurt and disappointed I’d missed dinner, and a part of me was looking for the quickest way to downplay that hurt.

3. The third step is the one most people rush straight to, skipping past acknowledging the action and the impact. You acknowledge the intention, desperately trying to explain yourself and how the mistake happened. You were running late, you were tired, it was outside of your control. You didn’t mean to, you weren’t trying to be rude, or it wasn’t totally your fault. This part of an apology is often done to try and lessen the pain of the mistake, also absolving you of any guilt.

But if we’re not careful, overfocusing on our intention can contribute to our loved ones feeling invalidated and minimized. So work hard to include each of the elements in your apology.

That being said, even if you issue a near perfect apology—acknowledging the action, the impact, and the intent—there’s still one word that can bring an apology crashing down. There is one word that can make a heartfelt “I’m sorry” seem anything but.

The word to watch out for when saying I’m sorry?

“But.”

I’m sorry I lost my temper, but…
I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but….
I’m sorry I was late, but…
I’m wasn’t trying to be rude, but…

The word “but” negates what you said just prior to it. It minimizes the impact of a genuine apology. It’s like saying, “I know that you were hurt, but it wasn’t really that bad. It’s not that serious.”

The word “but” pushes the responsibility of your mistake off you and onto something or someone else. It subtly says, “It wasn’t really my fault. I couldn’t help it. Don’t blame me.”

When you’re on the receiving end of an apology, this feels invalidating. Your experience feels small. And your pain feels overlooked.

So often, when we apologize, we think our main job is to explain ourselves—to provide a reason and a rationale for our action. And the word “but” is a great aid in doing this.

But the main purpose of an apology isn’t to explain ourselves. It’s to acknowledge the action and the impact it had. As soon as you say the word “but” in an apology, your apology goes downhill. Because at that moment, you are no longer accepting responsibility for your actions and the impact they had. And that’s what makes an apology so powerful.

When I came home late that night, every part of me wanted to apologize and say, “I’m sorry I’m late, but work was crazy today. A million people needed something, and I couldn’t get out of there any earlier!”

I wanted to use the word “but,” minimizing the pain I’d caused and the promise I’d broken. I wanted to use the word “but” to lighten the mood and give my best reasoning for missing the mark. I wanted to use the word “but” to diffuse my responsibility and blame outside factors.

But I know better. I know that word is dangerous, hurtful, and invalidating.

If you’re not supposed to say “but,” how should you word an apology? Two options: 1) Embrace the word “and;” and 2) Embrace a period.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there on time. I said I would be, and I was running late.
I lost my temper; I’m sorry. I’m stressed, and I didn’t mean to take it out on you.
I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. It was insensitive of me.

Notice the difference? By getting rid of the “but” and embracing the period, you acknowledge the impact of your actions without minimizing the person’s experience or explaining away your responsibility.

So while an apology with “but” might have felt better in the moment, I knew it would only deepen my mistake. So, I took a deep breath, swallowed, and embraced both the word “and” and a period.

I told my husband, “I’m sorry I’m late. I said I would be home early, and I’m not, and I know that’s super crappy. Things at work got crazy, and I tried to do too much. I’m sorry.”

The difference between this apology and the one I’d initially wanted to give might seem small. It might seem subtle. And from a language perspective, the difference is small.

But from an impact perspective, the difference is enormous. When it comes to communication and relationships, little things matter. Details make a difference. And three little letters change the game.

If you’ve made a mistake recently, if you’ve been careless, or if you’ve accidentally hurt someone you care about, know that you are human. It happens and you’re not alone.

But now decide: How do you want to respond? Do you want to respond so that you feel better or so the person you care about feels better?

Thankfully, my husband responded with compassion that night. And my dinner heated up fine in the microwave. We carved out time to spend together, and I stuck to it.

I was reminded in that moment of the power of a thoughtful apology—one that focuses on impact, not intention. One that focuses on vulnerability, not defensiveness. And one that uses “and,” not “but.”

***

Dr. Allison Niebes-Davis is a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Dr. Allison Answers, a website designed to simplify psychology to help people live healthy and meaningful lives. You can also find her on YouTube and Facebook.

What Makes a Home Beautiful

I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. An awful diagnosis for anyone, at any stage of life. But as a 48-year old father of four, with two in elementary school, it has shaken everyone in our community. He’s now in a daily battle to stave off cancer, provide for his family, and both parent and husband well.

In preparing themselves for the long days and years to come, my friend and his wife decided to downsize their home—moving from a 3,400 square foot home to 1,800. They saw the move as an opportunity to save money, time, energy, and effort for the journey ahead—a journey that would require strength, focus, energy, and intentionality.

They hadn’t lived in their larger home for long before the diagnosis. In fact, I still remember the first time I visited—Christmas, last year. It was for a party and their home (the larger one) was decorated immaculately. All of this was before the arrival of cancer into their lives.

My wife and I arrived early for the party and offered our hosts the first thoughts that entered our mind, “Your new home is beautiful. Thank you for having us over.”

As the party attendees continued to arrive that evening, I watched as many had similar greetings for their host and hostess, “Your house is gorgeous!” “This is stunning!” And “Your home is absolutely beautiful!” Customary greetings, I know, but these compliments were not empty words of praise—the house guests were genuinely impressed with their hosts’ home.

We are, after all, a culture and society that loves big houses and expensive furnishings and decorations. Most people spend their lives, and if current stats on household debt are correct, most of their money pursuing bigger and bigger homes in nicer and nicer neighborhoods.

In fact, the average American home has nearly tripled in size over the last 60 years, all while the average American family has decreased in members. And if all this increased space isn’t enough, 10% of us rent offsite storage and 25% are unable to park even one car in our garage.

But sometimes I wonder if these bigger homes (and the increased furnishings and material possessions that go inside them) are actually benefiting our lives. And if they are not, are they worthy of our praise and admiration? Is it possible we are looking for “beauty” in all the wrong places?

The concept of home as an ideal for safety and comfort, of
acceptance and belonging, is one that resonates with almost everyone. But
somewhere along the way, we began chasing a different ideal. “Home” became a
place to upscale, store an ever-increasing pile of possessions, and chase a
never-realized perfection portrayed in Pottery Barn catalogs and
Home-Improvement reality shows.

But what is the purpose of home and what makes the concept beautiful in the first place?

Home is a place to come home to. It offers a place to relax,
unwind, and rest. It provides opportunity for interaction among family
members—a safe harbor from the storms of life to find acceptance, security, and
stability.

But home is also a port of departure when you’re ready to brave the high seas of life again. As John Shedd said, “A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” Home offers us rest and security so we can live our best lives in the world outside—accomplishing the most good for the most amount of people.

These are the ideals we should strive for with the home we
create: a safe harbor and effective port of departure. And when these ideals
are being met, our home is beautiful. We do not need to constantly increase
square footage, discounted furniture, or decorations.

In fact, often times, reducing the square footage and/or the number of possessions in our home allows us to better realize those ideals that make a house a home. When our money, time, and energy is not spent accumulating and caring for things that don’t matter, we have more resources available for the things that do.

Last week, my wife and I dropped off dinner at our friends’
new, smaller home. It had been a long day for them full of scans, doctor
visits, diagnoses, and treatments. We did not intend to stay long—they needed
rest as much as they needed a fresh meal.

However, while dropping off the food I asked my friend how he was liking his smaller home. He said, “It’s great! I no longer have a mortgage payment because we removed that burden when we downsized. We’re in a more stable position financially which is important to me. Sure, we’re still adjusting to living in smaller quarters as a family. But this house is easier to clean and take care of so I can focus more on things that matter. Most importantly, it’s bringing us closer together as a family. And Joshua, that is the thing that means the most to me right now as I fight for my life and theirs.”

I looked around the room one more time. I saw a family
growing closer, better prepared in this smaller space for their difficult
journey ahead. “Bob, I think it’s beautiful.”

How to Win at Money

Recently, I received an email from a reader. It went something like this, “We just don’t feel like we’re winning at money. Do you have any advice?”

I’m not going to include any details of the message—they are not necessary. But the sender phrased an important question, “How can we win at money?”

When most people think of winning (or succeeding) at money, they do so in terms of comparison to other people. They wonder, “Do I have as much money as others?” If so, they assume they are winning.

One problem with this approach is that looks can be deceiving. One friend may dress in nice clothes or drive a nice car, but have so much debt their net worth is below zero. Another friend may drive a modest car, but have investments well above the averages.

We never win at money by comparing our possessions with others.

In fact, we never win at life when we compare ourselves to others.

Winning at money should be defined differently.

The question we should be asking is this: Am I meeting my financial needs and spending my money in a way that is aligned with my values?

If you are, you are winning at money! The goal each of us should pursue with our finances is to meet our needs and align our spending with our passions.

How then do we win at money?

Given my definition above, here are the steps we should take to win at money:

1. Don’t see money as a competition.

One of the most joy-robbing things you can ever do is compare your income, savings, or net worth with another person. Remember, you have a 1/7,350,000,000 chance of being the wealthiest person on the planet. If you are not the wealthiest human alive, comparing your money is always going to be a losing proposition—there is always going to be somebody with more. So don’t see money as a competition with others, see it as a competition with yourself to make the most of the little bit that you have.

2. If you have food, shelter, and clothing, remind yourself you have enough money.

If money is not a competition, then what is it? Money is merely a means to expedite trade. It allows us to purchase the things we need for life—food, shelter, clothing, etc. If you are able to meet the needs of your family, it is important to remind yourself that you already have enough. Does that mean you eat at the fanciest restaurants in your town or live in the most expensive neighborhood? No, it doesn’t. But it does mean your needs are met and that is something to celebrate.

To get a sense how your income compares to your fixed costs, use a personal spending plan.

3. Don’t buy stuff you don’t need.

Most people reading this blog post earn enough money to live. Not everyone, of course, but most. One reason we struggle to get ahead financially is because we waste so much on things we don’t need. One way to win at money is to reject excessive consumerism. As an example, we chose to pursue a more minimalist life in 2008 and have saved over $150,000 from unnecessary spending since then. You can do the same.

4. Save some money.

One way or another, put some money in savings every paycheck. Even if it’s only a few dollars each pay period, find it and put it aside. You can open a savings account at your local bank or you can use online resources like Robinhood (if you’d like to invest in stocks) or Capital One Savings (if you just want the interest). I currently use all three options for personal savings.

5. Give some money.

Your money is only as valuable as what you choose to spend it on. One of the quickest ways to feel like you are winning at money is to use some to help solve problems you are passionate about solving. Again, you may only be able to give a few dollars each month, but give something, somewhere. Not only will this gift help others, it will give you a great sense of satisfaction in life and serve as a reminder that you already have enough.

6. Ask questions.

If you want to win at money, find somebody you look up to and ask as many questions as possible. Ask them how they got started making money, saving money, or investing money. Ask them what lessons shaped their decision-making over the years. And ask them about specific circumstances in your life. Most people want to help you. But when it comes to something as personal and private as money, they are not going to step into your life without an invitation.

If your goal with money is to have more than the person next to you, you’ll never be content. Additionally, if you are looking for money to provide you with happiness and security, you’ll never find enough. These are not the proper measurements to determine if you are winning at money.

Are your needs met? And are you spending your money in a way that aligns with your values? If so, you are winning. Well done.

Encouraging Simplicity. Weekend Reads.

For the last seven years, I have been compiling and publishing curated articles that inspire simplicity in life. At first, it was an exercise in communicating to Becoming Minimalist readers the most popular articles I sent out on Twitter.

But over the years, it has become more than that. It has become a place where people (every other week) come for a dose of inspiration. And it has become a place to promote and encourage writers around the world who are publishing content about minimalism, simplicity, and intentional living.

I think you will enjoy this collection of articles hand-selected for you this weekend. Grab some coffee, tea, or lemonade and be inspired to live a simpler life today:

My Secret to Good Hospitality: Having Less | Open Hearted Home by Lilly Neubauer. “This home may never be in a magazine, but it will be remembered by good people for being a space that values community and love – thanks to me changing my focus from ‘what else do I need to acquire to be worthy?’ to ‘what do I already have that’s worth sharing?'”

Competing with the Paltrows: ‘Hamptons Anxiety’ is No Joke | New York Post by Stephanie Krikorian. Being ungrateful is contagious.

Why I Choose to Live Within My Means | Forbes by Joshua Becker. Because I live within my means, I enjoy a significant level of freedom that others do not. It allows me to sleep better, carry less stress, and live a more calm, relaxed life.

Claiming Quiet in a Loud World | No Sidebar by Heidi Barr. Never assume that loud is strong and quiet is weak.

What to Do When You Get Stuck Decluttering | Joshua Becker on YouTube

Greed and Worry Have the Same Effect On Our Lives

Greed is a powerful motivator. Defined, the word means “an intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth, power, or food.”

Worry, on the other hand, is a very different emotional state. If greed is “intense, selfish desire,” worry is “a state of anxiety and uncertainty over actual or potential problems.”

They are different, but I’m starting to recognize they might have more in common than we think. Because, in many regards, they produce the same negative outcome in our lives.

Greed and worry have the same effect: The accumulation and possession of more things for ourselves than we need. And subsequently, the missed opportunity and joy of giving to others.

Both worry and greed keep us from living our best lives in the same way.

From the outside, we recognize greed as blatantly negative, maybe even evil. It is something we assign to others, but rarely see in ourselves. Greed has far too many negative connotations to ever assign the motivation to our own hearts and minds.

Worry, on the other hand, is rarely seen as such a negative emotion. In fact, we sometimes use the phrasing with pride, “Oh, I’m just a worrier.” Or perhaps even more frequently in passing, “I’m just worried that…..”

Worry, you see, is more culturally accepted than greed.

Worry is seen as prudent and wise, even thoughtful at times. But don’t be fooled, there is a likelihood it is producing the exact same result in our lives as greed and selfishness.

It keeps our fists tightly clenched on money and possessions.

It seems to me there are only two reasons that keep people with means from being more generous with their money and possessions. Either 1) they intentionally want to keep as much for themselves as they can (greed), or 2) they are so worried about the future they can’t imagine giving away money or time to someone else (worry).

Two very different emotional states… but the same result.

We would benefit from recognizing their presence in our lives. And taking intentional steps to overcome them.

If either condition is present, the antidote is to intentionally pursue their counterparts: selflessness and hope.

Through selflessness, we give ourselves to others. We take the very resources (time, money, energy, talents) used for selfish gain and spend them on someone else.

Selflessness is often overlooked as a key to happiness and living our best life because it appears to run contrary to the very notion. But only when we embrace service and selflessness do we find lasting significance. Selflessness benefits the receiver and it benefits the giver. It is the ultimate win-win situation.

Hope, on the other hand, is the counterpart to worry. While worry brings anxiety by focusing on the problem, hope directs our attention to the solution. It allows us to see the obstacle through a different lens and replaces debilitating worry with life-giving expectation.

It frees us to become generous and giving. When we worry less about what we will eat or drink in the future, we open our eyes to those around us who are unable to eat today. And we are freed to give out of our excess.

May each of us live our lives to their greatest potential. And may we no longer allow greed or worry to keep us from them.