Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 210

The Night My Husband Talked in His Sleep

When my daughters were babies I tended to be the one who got up in the middle of the night with them. First, because I was nursing; and second, because my husband was doing his residency in pediatrics and worked such ridiculous hours he really needed the sleep when he could get it.

But occasionally he’d be on a light rotation, and so we’d agree to split the nights. On “his” nights, if the babies woke up, I’d shake Keith. “Rebecca’s awake,” I’d say. “I know, I can hear her,” he’d reply. “Are you going to go get her?” I’d ask. “I will in a minute. Let’s just see if she goes back to sleep,” he’d say. And then we’d continue to have this two-way conversation, and I could never get him out of bed.

One night, I got up, went to the phone, and dialed the hospital. His pager went off, and he was up like a rocket. He dialed in, and the receptionist said to him, “Go get your baby. She’s crying.” Mission accomplished.

Keith has this amazing ability to carry on full conversations while he is totally asleep.

So last Wednesday, at 11:30 p.m., when we were all in bed, the phone rang. It was the alarm company. My mom was out of town, and the alarm at  her house was blaring. “There may be intruders at Mom’s place,” I told Keith. “That’s awful. Are you going to check on it?” he replied. “Well, I thought you could,” I told him. “I’m kind of tired, honey, and I don’t even know all her codes for her doors and alarms and such. Why don’t you just go?” And this went on.

Once I realized he wasn’t budging, I put on a sweater, got in the car, and thought about how terrible my husband was for making me go battle potential burglars by myself. Thankfully the police were there when I arrived, and they checked out the place with me and ensured a lack of People of Evil Intent. I headed home. “What happened?” he asked. “The police were there,” I told him. “They sent backup, since they never go into a potentially dangerous situation alone,” I said. “That’s smart,” he replied. “Just glad you’re home now, honey.”

The next morning he called me. “Sheila, did something happen last night? Something about police?” I laughed, and told him that he had sent me off to battle burglars. He laughed too, but then he was a little perturbed. “You know me,” he said. “You know I’d never send you in a dangerous situation alone like that. You should have really woken me up.”

And I do know him. And I should have woken him up. But his conversation seemed so normal I forgot all of that right then. I forgot that he was acting out of character. I forgot that he would never really do that. And I assumed the worst and got caught up in the moment.

I have put my husband through several similar things lately. As I shared last week on the blog, this whole perimenopause thing has not been treating me kindly. My hormones are totally out of whack, and there are times when I almost feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience. I’m mad at the world, though the world has done very few mean things to me. If my husband dares to smile or have a good time while I’m in the middle of one of my funks, I take personal offense. How dare he have fun if I have work to do? How dare he not share in my mood?

And then the day passes and I’m fine again, and I look back on the monster I manifested the day before and I so wish I could banish her forever.

But most of all, I wish that people would see that that is not the real me.

And so my husband and I have come to an agreement.

We will not assume the worst of each other.

From now on, when someone says something out of character, we will not assume the worst. We will try not to take offense. He will back the truck up and say to me, “You look like you’re just really overwhelmed right now, and I don’t want to contribute to that. I love you, and I want you to relax, so I’m going to leave you alone for this afternoon and I’ll take care of myself and Katie.” That’s far safer for both of us. And me? I’ll get a spray bottle of water by the bed so if I ever do need him to wake up, I know it will be a done deal.

How many times do we cause extra heartache because we assume the worst and forget the truth about those we love? Instead, we judge them by what’s going on right now. Maybe if we could take a step back, and not get so caught up in the moment, we could see the totality of the relationship. We could keep perspective. And that would help us love more, give more, and forgive more. And if we capture some burglars while we’re at it, all the better.

 

The post The Night My Husband Talked in His Sleep appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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How God Used a Leaky Faucet to Fix My Attitude

Today’s guest post is from Shaylah Coogan from There Once Was This Girl, where she shares her life-changing story about her laundry room and choices that helped fix her attitude.
I am not particularly proud to admit this, but I had a bit of a breakdown this past weekend.

It was the last weekend of Spring Break, and I had the morning to the evening of every day planned out.   I was doing the breakfast dishes Friday morning, and as I opened the cabinet below the kitchen sink, I noticed water where it shouldn’t be.  I pulled out the dish-washing detergent and some other junk I had in there. Lo and behold everything was covered in water.  Not only that, but the wood cabinets and the back wall had really soaked in the water draining from the sink…or I should say not draining through the pipes as it should.

The sink, the pipes, the faucet…all old.  We had a small leak at the faucet for some time now that we became comfortable with–ignoring since it wasn’t really causing any damage.  And about a year ago we noticed a few drips from the pipes below, but it was nothing a bit of patch work couldn’t fix up.  We should have known better that small, simple signs of damage are actually signs of impending doom to your budget.

Oh the budget!  I can’t very well leave that part out.  My husband and I have been on a kick for a few years now of paying off our debt.  We are making much headway with the exception of the house, two credit cards and my glorious student loan (I used the word “glorious” in an extremely sarcastic tone in order to refrain from the other words I would like to use).  In order for us to reach our financial goals, we stay on a fairly tight budget and it works!  For a good portion of the year, we are a one-income household which is nothing new to me as a former single mom.  

So over the years, I have learned to stretch a dollar in many, many ways.

Like using coupons, menu planning, stockpiling, creative cooking and freezing and also finding ways to cut costs around our home and in everyday expenditures.  This gives us more money for the fun things to do as a family, vacations and saving money.  We pay cash for things and if we don’t have the cash then guess what?  We don’t buy it.  It’s a simple philosophy that really works but really took some getting used to on my part.

I was a financial mess (did you think I’d say guru?!) as a single mom.  I didn’t know how to budget or save and I seemed to make dumb mistake after dumb mistake with my hard-earned money.   My philosophy was if I don’t have the money to pay the bill AND I don’t see the bill then the bill doesn’t exist.  Don’t judge me….I never claimed to be the smartest mom in the world especially when full of stress and anxiety.  For me single motherhood created this massive and overwhelming amount of stress that many times I couldn’t see the forest for the trees…if you know what I mean.

So…God blessed me with a budgeting genius for a husband.  Funny how He knows just what I need.

Lets go back about two hours prior to the “kitchen catastrophe”.  We are halfway through the month, the budget was already set and we had a trip planned in there for the end of March.  As I was checking my emails, I had two emails reminding me of two different upcoming invoices due at the end of this month.  One was a complete surprise to me and the other I had forgotten about.  So needless to say, neither were budgeted for.  The stress, anxiety and past emotions from my years as a single mom were starting to fill up the machine that releases my tears.  I fought back telling myself that these are things to not worry about.  Rely on God and give Him my stress, anxiety and worry.  And I did…and it worked.  Thank you Jesus.

“Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks.  And God’s peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7

The only way I can make sense of what happened next is that the enemy heard my voice give this worry to God.  The enemy felt my mind erase my past experiences and emotions and felt me relax in peace of His presence. An hour later and we have a kitchen disaster.

I didn’t panic or stress out.  At least not right away.  At first it looked as though it was an easy fix then we discovered that the previous owners shoddy repairs and cheapness topped by our band-aids now meant a brand new sink, facet and plumbing.  I think many women might get excited about that prospect.  And I would have, IF the expense had been planned for, budgeted and saved for.  I began to think about the weekend plans wasted, the budget ruined, money gone and my mind quickly took a left turn and hurdled into my past struggles.  If only I could run that fast AWAY from those thoughts.  I lost my “Christ center” as I like to call it.  It’s my stillness where only He can calm the waves and helps me weather my storms.

With my “Christ center” far, far away, I became short-tempered with everyone.  Now I was the one ruining the weekend.  This was spiraling out of my control.

So I went to the one place where I was certain and with out a doubt, guaranteed to be alone with my tears, my anxious thoughts and worries.  A place where I could attempt to restore Christ at my center.

The laundry room.

No one touches that room.  I often wonder, do they even know how to find it?  Everyone goes out of their way to avoid the laundry room at all costs for fear of me popping my head out to say “hey come help me.”  So it’s become my sanctuary…all that’s missing is a comfy chair.  I don’t like to break down especially in front of others.  I refuse to be weak, is what I began to tell myself.  Once those thoughts passed and my toughness was breaking through my tears, I realized this was the enemy at work again and was pulling me into a prideful mindset that kept me in trouble so many years ago.

I remembered the Lord said “Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing, now shall it spring forth; shall you not know it?” – Isaiah 43:18-19

The reminder of my past financial mistakes and the enormous consequences of those mistakes were creating roadblocks in my mind, once again adding distance from God.  He tells me in this verse that in order to look forward with joy in all things (even a small kitchen disaster), I must first let go and not dwell on my past.  Doing so will keep my focus on my past failures and the emotional turmoil of those failures and off of what God has in store for me now.

I felt as though God was telling me it is okay.  This is not a big deal.  You are stirring up old emotions and worries that have no place here.  My acceptance of this truth caused me to turn to leave my place of refuge and in walks my husband.  Straight into the dreaded laundry room to hug me and say this is not a big deal.  Don’t worry.

God is so awesome.

This “new thing” God suddenly sprang on us was lots of time together focused on solving a problem.  We messed up the plumbing and install a few times, learned from our mistakes (thank you YouTube!) and yes it messed up our budget a bit but that’s okay.  If there is one huge thing I have learned from my single motherhood days is that worry and peace cannot coexist and that every minute given to me each day is filled with choices.  Choices of peace, prayer, worship and thankfulness which bring me closer to Him.  Or choices of worry, stress, anger, resentment and anxiety to push me further away from Him.   It’s an easy choice.

Shaylah Coogan is a Christ loving, 40 year old mom of two and a wife to a very patient and loving man.  As a former single mom, she has been following her purpose and calling by providing encouragement, support and guidance to other single moms in hopes that none of these amazing women have to live a life on the verge of breaking. Find her at her blog, There Once Was This Girl, or on Facebook.

The post How God Used a Leaky Faucet to Fix My Attitude appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Dear God, He’s Home! Living with a Stay at Home Dad

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! Today, please welcome Janet Thompson, blogger at Woman to Woman Mentoring, speaker and author, who shares some time tested truths to help you thrive during this season of living with a stay at home dad.

I couldn’t figure out how to be okay with me getting up and going to work and him staying home.—Chris

 

THE WIFE OF A STAY-AT-HOME man is going to talk to God—a lot!

Maybe she’ll write a cathartic letter in her journal: Dear God,. . . . Another wife might begin her pleading or thankful prayers with “Dear God,”. . . . Still other wives in times of desperation or frustration cry out, “Dear God, HE’S HOME!”

The various times my husband has been a “stay-at-home man,” I regularly expressed each of those “Dear Gods.” So if you have a stay-at-home man and he’s driving you crazy, don’t feel guilty if you haven’t always been joyous about this new closeness in your marriage relationship. And don’t feel alone.

With unemployment at an all-time high, baby boomers reaching retirement age by the droves, military pulling out of many areas and returning home, businesses down-sizing or setting up virtual offices in homes, chances are pretty good you either are or know a woman with a stay-at-home man.

Myriad emotions and reactions erupt from both spouses when an otherwise out-of-the-home-every-day husband is suddenly home all day—every day. Many wives have their own label for this occurrence. In Honey, I’m Home for Good!, Mary Ann Cook calls it spouse-in-the-house syndrome. Then there’s retired-husband syndrome or military reintegration syndrome.

Every couple’s response to their unique syndrome evolves from how they’ve dealt with previous transitions in their relationship. Couples who stumbled and fumbled without finding workable resolutions in the past, will probably stumble and fumble through this new situation too. However, couples who have successfully developed and implemented coping techniques may be better equipped to adjust to a full time “stay-at-home man.” Even so, unexpected issues can blindside both spouses.

Game Changer

There’s no age qualifier for a husband suddenly being home 24/7. Sometimes it comes as a shock like a layoff or illness and other times it’s the natural progression of expected retirement or return from deployment. Whatever the reason, even when we know it’s coming, the reality of a hubby being home full-time is disarming.

Planning is essential, if you have that luxury. Each time my husband has been home—three layoffs, disability, retirement—it’s always been a surprise and no time to plan. It hit us both hard and we struggled through adapting to the transitions and changes we each experienced.

For Better or For Worse but Not For Lunch

The universal frustration expressed by wives of stay-at-home husbands: he’s invading “my space” and my work load is increasing while his is decreasing. The prospect of fixing lunch every day can push a wife over the top.

One incident about my husband losing his job and setting up shop in our home is now very funny, but wasn’t at the time. By 8 a.m., he’s in “the office,” which is now upstairs in our home, ready to begin his day. On the first day of his new life, he bounded down the stairs about 11:30 and said with an enthusiastic smile, “What’s for lunch?” I was in the kitchen, but lunch wasn’t my agenda. My mind quickly went into fast forward and I could see the rest of my life fixing one meal after another—cooking, cooking, and cooking . . . . I didn’t respond in a positive way. Should have said, “Wherever you’re taking me,” or possibly, “This kitchen is closed for lunch.”

What I said was, “Lunch! I do lunch with my friends!” Ouch. He looked crushed and I instantly knew I had mishandled this new phase of life.—Jean

He’s Home and I’m Not

A working wife, or a wife who has had to go back to work, may feel the burden of supporting the family when she’d rather be home. When a stay-at-home man takes over household chores while the wife continues working, she’s blessed. However, not all husbands are willing or capable of helping around the house. More often wives complain that when they walk in the door from work, their husbands are sitting on the couch asking what’s for dinner. Or she still has to come home and take care of a sick or disabled husband plus all the household chores. Just like a wife with a deployed husband, her work doubles and it’s hard not to become resentful and exhausted.

My former policeman husband has been home a year now (due to his work-related injury) “helping” take care of household duties while I went to work. We’ve struggled to figure out our new situation. House cleaning became an immediate issue: within two weeks, he hired someone. My first reaction: “You never hired a maid for me, why do you get one?” Once I got over those feelings, it was a grateful relief and I look forward to coming home from work to a sparkling house on Tuesday afternoons.

Food was another out-of-control issue: the children were accustomed to my cooking. Tears became a common part of our home for several months. It wasn’t just the kids. I shed my fair share also. Work stress after being out of the field for almost ten years, missing my children after being home with them for eight years, and adjusting to a husband going through an identity crisis, kept us all on our knees. Only an utter dependence on God got us through those first months.—Veola

Restoring the Joy

Not every husband can go out and get another job, at least not right away. Instead of feeling resentful or overwhelmed, we wives need to put into perspective issues like lunch or helping with household duties and discuss with our husbands in the same way we would discuss a major decision or planning a trip—talk it out. It’s better to unveil your frustrations and angry feelings, than letting negative emotions simmer and percolate in your heart until they spew out with words you can’t control or take back.

Start all discussions with prayer. Share how you’re feeling with your husband without using the accusatory “you” or all-inclusive words like “never” or “always.” Be watchful of not comparing him with other husbands in your thoughts or words. Comparing won’t motivate your husband, but it will alienate him. It’s a lose/lose manipulative tactic sure to close your husband’s spirit and ears.

Wise Words from Women with Stay-at-Home Husbands

Make each day the best it can be. You don’t know how many days you’ll have left together.
Understand where your husband is at in his life and don’t make his retirement or at-home-experience miserable.
Don’t belittle or put down your husband—build him up. Find out his concerns and needs, don’t just focus on your own.
Communicate your needs honestly and lovingly.
When shopping together, pick a store that also has sporting, gardening, or electronic departments and let your husband browse or send him to find something.


What’s important to your spouse should also be important to you and what’s important to God should be important to both of you!

This post includes excerpts from Dear God, He’s Home! A Woman’s Guide to Her Stay-at-Home Man (New Hope Publishers)—the third book in the “Dear God,” series by author and speaker Janet Thompson. Janet is the founder of Woman to Woman Mentoring and the award-winning author of seventeen books, including: Dear God, They Say It’s Cancer, Dear God, Why Can’t I Have a Baby?, Praying for Your Prodigal Daughter, The Team That Jesus Built, and the Face-to-Face Bible study series. Janet and her stay-at-home man, Dave, are enjoying this season of life in the rural mountains of Idaho. For more on her books and ministry, see Janet’s website at womantowomanmentoring.com.

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Top 10 Annoying Things About Women Aging

Today’s guest post from J at Hot, Holy & Humorous  is a light-hearted and yet true reflection of annoying things about women aging.  I think her top ten will make you laugh and maybe even say an “Amen” or two!

Sheila recently wrote a transparent post about women aging–and what she was going through in midlife.. While reading her struggles, there was a lot to which I could relate. I’m (well) into my 40s and starting to read more and more about menopause. Because like a brewing hurricane out on the ocean, like it or not, it’s a-comin’.

Just so all of you older ladies can nod in remembrance, you peer-aged women can utter “uh-huh” in solidarity, and you younger women can brace yourselves for the inevitable…let me confess my Top Ten (Annoying) Things about Aging.

1. Sometimes I cry for any ol’ reason or no good reason at all.

Most of the time, I’m fine—in normal emotional control. Then I’ll have a day or two or three when my tear ducts seem to have malfunctioned and my eyes turn into a fountain. Even chest-heaving sobs may make an appearance. When I ask myself what’s so awful that I’m melting into a puddle like the Wicked Witch of the West, I haven’t a clue. Maybe I heard bad news or had a stressful day, but such events wouldn’t normally send me into frenzy of weeping. So far, my best way of coping is to let it all out. As my grandmother (and King Solomon) would say, “This too shall pass.”

2. I can’t remember your name or where I put my glasses.

My memory has never been extremely sharp. I’m terrible at remembering birthdays and deadlines. (Thank you, calendar app!) But my memory has worsened to a dull edge that couldn’t cut softened butter. Not long ago, I had my husband and a few restaurant staff searching for a pair of glasses for several minutes before I found them…On. My. Face. And I simply have to apologize if I haven’t seen you in a long while and we run into each other in the store, because even though our children played together for three years straight, I have no idea what your name is. It’s buried somewhere under the hormonal hoopla happening in my brain.

3. Calories have turned evil and go straight to my waist.

I considered other options—such as a party magician blew up balloon animals and implanted them in my belly while I was sleeping; the extraterrestrial from the Alien movie left Sigourney Weaver’s tummy and slithered into mine; or my body is smartly storing blubber for an upcoming arctic winter (mind you, I live in Texas). Yet, I keep returning to aging and shifting body chemistry to explain why eating a cookie now translates to an inner tube appearing around my midsection. Thankfully, my husband has responded by saying there’s “more of you to love”…and suggesting we walk more often.

4. I’m allergic to new stuff—what’s up with that?

I stopped wearing earrings a few years ago, because suddenly, out of nowhere, my body developed a sensitivity to any kind of metal I tried to put through my earlobe hole. My body has decided to develop new allergies and sensitivities. I’ve become itchy during Spring when I never had issues before, and I have to carefully watch what I put on my skin or risk a rash that keeps me scratching during the day and awake at night. If this problem keeps expanding, I may need to live in a bubble.

5. My feet have gotten bigger, by which I mean “fatter.”

It must be the 40-plus years of walking on these feet that have finally managed to make them spread out like pancake batter on a skillet. Indeed, I read an article about how the tendons and ligaments lose elasticity in older age, resulting in bigger feet. And then it went on to predict that you could gain a half-size every 10 years past age 40. Good heavens! At that rate, I’ll be wearing my husband’s shoes by the time my dead feet are tucked into a casket.

6. The sleeping princess can snore like a fire-breathing dragon.

Remember that elasticity thing up there with the feet? It turns out that happens with your throat muscles too, so they collapse more in older age and can obstruct air flow just enough to make your pretty feminine self snore like a lumberjack. And since you’re sleeping, there’s not a thing you can do about it. You simply have to hope your husband snores louder so he doesn’t hear how you’ve become a midnight rumbler.

7. I want all the fan vents turned on me.

I don’t have hot flashes (not yet, at least), but I do get warmer than I used to. Not all the time, but often enough I’ve strategically placed fans around the house and turned all my car air-conditioning vents toward the driver’s seat. Now and then, I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and have to push off the covers, and the hubby a bit, to get cooler air moving around me. I haven’t yet had to clear out space in the freezer for a personal retreat, but I pray that’s not around the corner.

8. I should buy stock in a lubricant company.

As you grow older, your body may not moisturize quite so well…down there. A young wife may wish to buy stock in a personal lubricant company right now, so she can put that money back into her pocket when she forks it out for lube in later years. Vaginal dryness is a common complaint of perimenopause and menopause, and it’s quite possible for your brain to feel ready for sex with your husband and your body didn’t get the memo. So break out the bottle of whatever you use and improvise. It works. But I still wish Firefly Organics or Sliquid were listed in my retirement fund. I’d feel a little better.

9. I have a permanent smudge on my nose (which my doctor calls an “age spot”).

I was sitting with a friend at lunch recently, and she said, “You have something on your nose.” I wiped the bridge of my nose, and she leaned forward and said, “Right there.” I wiped again. “Huh, it’s not—” she started, but I’d realized the problem and offered, “Oh yeah, I didn’t use concealer this morning. That’s my age spot.” And just to make sure it doesn’t get lonely, I have four other small “smudges” that have cropped up on my face that I’d like to take a cheese slicer too. But it probably wouldn’t help. My doctor says it’s normal, and even more age spots might join the party. Guess I’ve earned each of those stripes—or rather, spots.

10. I should be Kegeling right now, and every minute of the day.

We moms had already been complaining for years about the toll of childbirth on the pelvic floor. But aging leans out of the toll booth, open its hands, and slaps on its own tax as you as you journey through life.  I understand that doing squats could be a better solution, but all I can hear in my head sometimes is my gynecologist’s mantra on Kegel exercises: squeeze, release, squeeze, release. Some of you older women were doing it right then while reading those words, weren’t you?

So why share all the negative nitty-gritty about growing older and experiencing perimenopause and menopause? For one thing, you can see I haven’t lost my sense of humor. If anything, my funny bone has sharpened over the years.

And strangely enough, I’m more comfortable and confident about myself than I ever was in my teens, 20s, or 30s. So I’ll take the hassles and keep the number that is my age. Every year I grow older is another year to spend time with my family, build a better marriage, share the gospel of Christ, and yeah, laugh a little at myself and this thing called life.

J. Parker is the author of Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives and writes the Hot, Holy & Humorous blog, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.

 

 

The post Top 10 Annoying Things About Women Aging appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Reader Question of the Week: Some Quick Answers and a Question from ME

Every Monday I like to put up a reader question and take a stab at answering it, but today I thought I’d go through several ones that I’ve received recently that I can answer quickly. Some of the questions I’m just going to put links up to answers, because I’ve written about it before. But if people are sending me in a question, chances are some of you have the same ones, and you don’t know there’s already a post on it.

Then I’ve got a question to ask you! (I’m writing a book and could really use some help!). So here goes:

1. My Husband’s a Photographer, and Takes Boudoir Photos. Is that Okay?

She writes:

Earlier in our marriage my husband took boudoir photos of some women at their request. I asked him to stop, and I thought he did, but I recently found out he’s still taking them. I don’t want to be the “police” in our marriage, but I had confidence that he understood where I was coming from in this situation and I feel as though he has broken my trust. He says he needs the freedom to take photos artistically without worrying what I might think and needs me to trust him that his motives are pure. Perhaps they are, but the intimacy of someone posing nearly nude for a photo taken by my husband seems to cheapen the intimacy we share. He does not have plans for more shoots like this. However, I am struggling with wanting to be supportive and at the same time protecting our marriage and the intimacy we share. To him, taking those photos is completely separate from our relationship and has no effect on us as a couple.

That’s a tough situation! It’s interesting–I answered the question a while ago “Is it okay to take sexy photos of yourself for your husband“, and talked about boudoir photos shoots, and we had lots of debates in the comments. But nobody actually mentioned the effect on the photographer’s marriage. Something to think about.

My quick thoughts: I’d be uncomfortable with this, too, and I’d definitely ask him to stop. If he just won’t, though, then I’d insist on being there during these photo shoots. I don’t think that solves the problem–he’s still looking at another woman who is almost naked–but at least you’re there.

And I’d pray a lot! But yes, I’d make an issue out of it with him, and I’d maybe say something like this: “I believe that this isn’t what God wants. Why don’t we look at how much money you made from the photos in the last few months, and then decide that you won’t take them in the next few months, and pray that God will make up the difference?” I’ve often found that when we do the right thing, God honours that.

2. PMS Kills My Libido!

A reader writes:

My hormonal imbalances wreak havoc the week before my period & then when I start, I feel tons better. I have spoken to my OBGYN & she has increased my magnesium & that seemed to help with my last PMS. But here’s the thing, the week before, I’m not in the mood sexually at all. Then we usually do nothing sexually while I have my period. So, essentially, we only have 2 weeks out of a month to enjoy sex. What can I do to improve this?  Those 2 weeks we have fun & build up my hubby’s stamina, but then my PMS issues begin. Then we are back to square 1. Ugh.

I hear you. Oh, how I hear you! Hormones have been wreaking havoc with me, too!

I’ve written a post on hormones and sex which may help. It’s more specifically about menopause/nursing, etc., but I think it applies any time our hormones are out of whack:

When Hormones Mess Up Your Sex Life

3. My Husband Has ADD–How Do I Not Nag?

Here’s the situation: Her three boys have ADHD, but her husband seems also to have it, though it’s undiagnosed. She writes:

I don’t feel like it is entirely appropriate to approach my husband the same way I approach my children. I don’t want to treat him like a child, but at the same time he is doing many of the same things they do, and it drives me CRAZY!!! I feel like nobody listens to me, usually because I have to repeat myself many, many times to everyone. I feel like nobody respects my opinion, or what I am saying, because I am constantly interrupted! I am the only one keeping the house picked up and organized, in a house full of people who want to hold on to everything, and never put any of it away! I am exhausted trying to balance it all, and I am afraid that the relationships in our house are falling apart. I am constantly frustrated with everyone, my husband is frustrated by the kids behaviors, and mess, but is failing to see that he is the exact same way, which makes me even more frustrated!!!!

I hear you. I can just imagine living in that chaos! I wrote a while ago about husbands and ADD, and this may help:



When Your Husband has ADD

Reader Question of the Week: Can Things Get Better?

A Whole TON of Links–and MOTHER’S Day!

Hello, everybody! Happy Saturday!

Thought I’d share some quick things with you today.

How I’m Doing

First, I can’t tell you how enough how grateful I am for all the well wishes and prayers after my recent surgery. All went well, and it’s been a little over a week now and I’m feeling pretty good. Back to normal from before the surgery, and I’m hoping that soon I’ll feel back to normal from about two years ago, before I started the extreme fatigue.

Someone commented to me that the first thing she noticed after her surgery (she had the same thing) was her nails. They stopped chipping and they grew again! I looked down at my hands yesterday and saw this:

I’ve got nails again! I actually need to file them. How exciting!

How I’m Procrastinating

So instead of recuperating I am now full up into writing mode! I have the manuscript for 9 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage due into Waterbrook next month, and I’ve got to get some serious work done.

Now, I don’t know if that fact is AT ALL related to this fact, but my youngest daughter just posted a new video on procrastination. The In Denial procrastinator, who is playing 2048 like a maniac, and from whom you need to “back away slowly”, is not at all me. Not. At. All. She didn’t get that from someone in her household or anything.

In all seriousness, I’ve been a bit of a bear to live with lately, so I decided to leave my hubby and youngest daughter for a time and come and live at my oldest daughter’s house so I can get some serious work done without distractions. I just needed a bit of a retreat. So I’m hanging out here and writing like mad–or at least trying to.

I figured out why I was having such problems with some of the chapters yesterday. I think I was giving too many pat answers, and after the reaction to my column yesterday about the purity culture, I realized that what people really crave is authenticity, not rules or pat answers. The latter half of the book was already going to be a bit controversial; I’ve decided to bring more of that into the first half. And now I’m excited about writing again!

So here I am this morning in all my glory: glow in the dark pyjama pants, no makeup, and the “I Love My Husband” T-shirt from The Love Shirts!

That Purity Culture Thing

Speaking of writing, if you haven’t read the series of posts this week about purity and the purity culture, I encourage you to do so.

Here’s what I was trying to show with the three posts: purity is so important, but the way that we emphasize it is often counterproductive. First, because we talk about intimacy before marriage purely in physical terms and ignore the other aspects of temptation; and second because we make it all into rules and not relationship.

I do believe in purity; but I think maybe we need to stop saying “sexual purity”, because it implies that sexual purity is somehow more pure than other forms of purity, and it implies that purity is about genitalia and not the heart. We should be emphasizing purity before God, and when we do that, we’ll be talking about the right issues.

I also absolutely believe that God saved sex for marriage for very good reasons. Here are some:



Why God Wants us to Wait for Marriage for Sex

Why We Should Wait

The Beggar’s Daughter also has a great series she’s written lately about boundaries in dating called “Kissing is Not Sex”. Here’s part 1 and part 2.

Finally, an AWESOME comment about how to make purity a matter of the heart when you’re dating.

The most interesting part of yesterday’s post, too, I think, was actually the comments section (though I did like the column, too, if I do say so myself). Thanks for all the great discussion!

The Nightmare in Nigeria

One of the very legitimate criticisms of the purity movement is that it makes those who have been abused or attacked sexually seem like “tainted goods”. And with the news being filled with the ongoing desperate plight of the 276 kidnapped girls in Nigeria, my thoughts and prayers have been very much oriented that way.

If you haven’t heard the news, a group of Islamic terrorists have kidnapped 276 Christian teenage girls and threatened to sell them into sex slavery or make them child brides. The girls are 14 to 18. I simply cannot comprehend this. How can anyone think that God would sanction this? As a mom to two teenage girls, I’ve been quite overcome this week.

And so I’d ask you to say this prayer with me, and help take these girls’ plights to God:

Dear God, you know each of those 276 girls intimately, and by name. You know where they are, and you know their state. They are not hidden from you. And so, Jesus, we bring each of them to you. Protect them physically. Protect them from the elements–from hunger, infection, and snakebites. Protect them from their captors. And please, bring them home.

Help them to stay strong in you, and to have a peace that passes understanding. Let them be strong for each other and be a support for each other. Lord, may they be so righteous that their captors will be brought to shame, and that they will “heap burning coals” onto the captors’ heads and cause some of these men to have pity and to help them find safety.

Be with their parents and families, and give them peace and strength and comfort. May they feel the world’s prayers.

Be with the Nigerian soldiers who are trying to locate them. Give the military wisdom and even visions from you. Let the foreign help that is coming in not be confusing, but let it be integrated seamlessly and quickly so that the girls can be rescued.

Most of all, Lord, let these girls always know that they are precious in your sight, that they are pure because of Jesus, and that no one and nothing can separate them from your love.

And be with all who are trafficked in the sex trade around the world right now, even those who are not front page news. Go to battle for them, and show us how we can be part of the solution.

In Jesus’ precious name,

Amen.

It’s Mother’s Day!

Somehow in all of the turmoil of writing this book and surgery I totally forgot it was Mother’s Day! And so I didn’t post on it.

I’ve posted on it in the past, though, and so I’ll link to some of those posts right now.

How to Avoid Disappointment this Mother’s Day

Mothering on a Weak Stomach

A Microwave and a Mother’s Heart

For those of you who are mothers, have a great day tomorrow!

And for everyone, have a wonderful weekend. Keep the girls in Nigeria in your prayers. And if you could say a prayer for me, that the words will come easily as I write, that would be much appreciated.

The post A Whole TON of Links–and MOTHER’S Day! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Has the Christian Purity Culture Gone Overboard?

Sheila is a columnist for Faith Today magazine, Canada’s premier evangelical magazine, which publishes six times a year. Here’s her column for May on the Christian purity culture.
What is the Christian purity culture?

Four Duggar girls–teens from the homeschooling reality show family 19 Kids and Counting–have just released their first book. Garnering the most press attention is the little tidbit that they will save not just sex, but also their first kiss, for their marriage.

I have several friends who have saved the smooching for the ceremony, and they’re very glad they did. I certainly don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, though the thought of hundreds of people watching me kiss for the first time is more intimidating than romantic. But I still find the whole Christian purity culture a little perplexing.

My mother grew up in a very conservative rural Manitoba community. They kept the Sabbath sacred; they didn’t wear makeup; they certainly didn’t dance. But kissing, at least when you were engaged, was fine. Today, though, large swaths of Christianity are more conservative than our parents’ and grandparents’ generations were.

What’s going on?

I think it all started with Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Good-Bye. That book spread like wildfire through the church, and all of a sudden dating, which had been one of the main attractions of youth groups for decades, became an anathema.

Yet while I agree there’s little benefit to high school relationships (an opinion I am so glad my teenage daughters shared), Boy Meets Girl, Harris’ follow-up book about courtship, still left me a little uneasy. He and his now-wife didn’t kiss until they were married. They really only did that famous “Christian side hug” that every evangelical teen has perfected. And Harris has a list of strict guidelines they followed so as to not feed lust.

Are Christian teenage girls growing up ashamed of their sexuality?

Lust is a real battle, yet this movement to grab lust by the throat and throttle it until it’s dead seems a little like overkill. We have purity ceremonies where we ask girls to stand with their dads and pledge not to have sex until marriage. We give endless talks on modesty, discussing hemlines and cleavage and how high T-shirts should be (two finger widths below the clavicle, apparently). I do believe in modesty; the world would be a much better place if everyone agreed that leggings are not pants. But in our eagerness combat the sexual revolution are we doing more harm than good?

That’s the question Amanda Barbee asked recently in her viral article “Naked and Ashamed.” She says that the evangelical church has made teenage girls ashamed of their sexuality, and this causes much sexual dysfunction later. As a sex and marriage author, I certainly see where she’s coming from. We spend so much time telling girls, “Don’t do it! Don’t even think about it!” And then they get married and suddenly some switch is supposed to go off that lets them see sex as a positive thing.

What makes it especially problematic, though, is the way we frame the whole issue. “Boys are walking hormones who will lust all over anyone in a tight sweater. It’s your job to keep him from lusting!” Girls’ sex drives are barely mentioned, while boys are presented as testosterone-induced drones, rendered helpless by cleavage. Girls become responsible not just for their own purity, but for boys’ purity, too, and sex becomes something boys want but girls have to fight against. No wonder so many girls grow up ambivalent about sex!

Unfortunately, Barbee didn’t offer an alternate approach. Yes, we’re shaming girls too much, but purity is important, and sex before marriage damages you both spiritually and emotionally. We do need to teach our kids to wait.

Or do we? Maybe that’s the fundamental problem with our current approach. My teenage girls’ biggest complaint about youth events is that they always centre around three messages: don’t have sex; don’t drink; and don’t cut yourself or starve yourself. But if we really want kids to make good choices, maybe we should stop teaching them to do the right thing and start introducing them to Jesus.

I was recently talking with a 19-year-old young woman who didn’t date in high school, but is now in quite a serious relationship at university. When she and her boyfriend were first discussing boundaries, they decided not to define “how far they should go” because as soon as you draw a line, you immediately rush to that line and start flirting with it. Instead, they decided that they would start every time that they’re together by focusing on Jesus. Make Jesus the centre, and the rest will follow.

We have become so scared that teens will have sex that we have created a purity culture that is centred around rules and shame rather than centred around Jesus. Yes, we should be modest, and yes, we should be pure. But we’ll achieve that much faster by having a relationship with Christ than by memorizing a bunch of rules.

I’m convinced that Christian kids often rebel because we put too much energy into teaching rules and not enough into showing them how to love Jesus. Rules don’t win people to God; Jesus does. And He’s the only one who can help us create a purity culture anyway.

For more on the Purity Culture debate:

Jessica at The Beggar’s Daughter linked up a great post this week on exactly this subject that I wanted to show you! She’s a young, single woman who writes a lot about purity. And in her post “Kissing is not Sex“, she says this:

If you listen to some teachings today it would seem as if letting a man wrap his arm around you is just as bad as letting him sleep with you.  It would seem that being alone with a man will automatically lead to fogged windows out on Lover’s Lane.

What happens when we take young women from this sex-obsessed approach to purity (because that is exactly what this is), and we brush them up against a guy and nothing happens? When holding his hand does not lead to petting or when having coffee does not lead to a slumber party? If a girl has grown up believing these are boundaries and that all roads lead to sex, the temptation is going to be to throw all of her ‘boundaries’ out the window.

Nothing happened when she held his hand, so why should anything happen when they snuggle? Nothing happened when they were alone for coffee, so what’s the big deal if she rides in his car?  She starts thinking, “What’s the big deal?” and that is the last thing you want her thinking! What we need to be doing, instead, is encouraging young women to establish their boundaries and to come up with guidelines that help them.

Great point! Read the whole thing.

Now tell me: how do we set boundaries and maintain purity WITHOUT shaming girls or becoming legalistic? I’ve been exploring this on the blog all week, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on the Christian purity culture.

The post Has the Christian Purity Culture Gone Overboard? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Why Purity Early Protects You Later
Pure Hope–Bringing Purity Back to the Bedroom
Myers Briggs ESFP–The Perfect Christian Woman (with a WARNING!)

Intimacy Before Marriage: It’s More than Just Sex!

Yesterday Darby Dugger shared a great post about her biggest regret: not staying pure until marriage. I’ve written at length on the blog about why we should wait until marriage for sex, and why God made sex just for marriage. But sometimes I fear that in all of our talk about saving sex for marriage we forget that the biggest sexual temptation isn’t always a physical one. Intimacy before marriage isn’t only about sex.

And so I thought today I’d share the BIG ISSUE that often causes couples to fall in the area of sexual temptation.

Here’s the scenario: a couple decides they want to wait until marriage to have sex. Yay! That’s all very good. And so they sit down and they talk a lot about boundaries. Will we kiss? If so, for how long? 10 seconds? 15 seconds? Can we kiss on the neck, too? What about hands? Where can they go? Just on the back? Nothing under clothes? Can we ever lie down together? Can we snuggle on a couch together? Etc. etc. etc.

I’ve read Christian books that talk at length about which of these boundaries you should have. As a teen, I sat through talks that laid out extremely specific boundaries that couples should adopt (right down to how many seconds you can kiss, as if we’re holding a kitchen timer or something).

We add rules upon rules to what we’re going to do physically–as if that should be our primary focus about intimacy before marriage.

And that’s where we make what can potentially be a big mistake.

When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (an awesome book for every wife, but ESPECIALLY for those about to get married!), I divided the book into three main sections: how sex works physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.  All three go into having a great sex life. And, in fact, all three are highly related to our libidos. Like I shared in the book, the times when I feel most like jumping my husband are the times when I hear him pray out loud for our girls. Hearing his heart for our children, whom I love very much, and going before God together, is seriously sexy.

We tend to think about intimacy before marriage in these terms:

Physical Intimacy = Bad

Emotional Intimacy = Good

Spiritual Intimacy = Very Good!

What are we doing here? First, we’re portraying physical intimacy as a bad thing–it’s dangerous!–which often does a real number on women once they’re married, because it’s hard to flip that switch once you are married and start to see sex as a good thing.

But we’re also turning sex into entirely a physical thing, and forgetting that it is so much more than that.

We’re actually cheapening sex.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with praying together before you’re married. In fact, I think it’s a very good thing! We need to know that we can pray together and have a spiritual life together.

But here’s the thing we also have to know:

It is precisely WHEN we are praying together that we are most likely to fall sexually. It is WHEN we are spiritually and emotionally close that we are most likely to experience real sexual temptation.

And all of this applies especially to girls.

Many girls can “turn off” the sexual cues they get when they’re kissing, and can resist. We know that we’re not going to have sex before we’re married, we decide that in our heads, and we don’t let it go too far.

But when you’re praying together and feeling close, all of a sudden those sexual feelings will come on, full blast, when you didn’t really expect them. And if you, as a “good Christian girl”, have drawn up all of these physical boundaries, and have been concentrating on spiritual and emotional intimacy, you may be very surprised when all of a sudden you find yourself in a compromising situation you never dreamed of.

So what am I saying? That we shouldn’t be emotionally or spiritually close?

No, I’m not saying that. Here’s what I’m saying:

Intimacy is a wonderful thing, and intimacy in its fullness is meant to be experienced only in marriage.

It is wonderful to start to feel intimate before you’re married. But be aware that sexual temptation is often far more tied up in emotional and spiritual intimacy than it is in sexually “fooling around”. If you draw all kinds of lines that you “will not cross” physically, but fail to talk about what’s going to happen when you’re praying together or sharing deep memories or crying together and all of a sudden you feel tremendously drawn to each other, you’re likely setting yourself up for a fall.

Certainly talk about what you want to do physically, but I think a better conversation to have is this one: we are going to feel really drawn to each other the closer we get–closer in every way, not just physically. So let’s just set some boundaries like we won’t be in each other’s rooms late at night, or we’ll try not to hang out in an empty house too much, or we’ll have a friend that we text constantly for accountability.

The root of temptation is often not sexual, and if we make everything into something physical, we set ourselves up for inadvertent failure (and a whole lot of shame), and we also don’t present the full picture of who we are sexually.

Does that make sense? Let me know in the comments if this is something that you experienced when you were dating/engaged. When did you feel closest? How did you handle boundaries?

P.S. I’m doing a whole bunch of FLASH GIVEAWAYS on my Facebook Page over the next few days to celebrate getting to 20,000 fans! Head on over and watch for the giveaways–and then just comment to win!

 

The post Intimacy Before Marriage: It’s More than Just Sex! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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Why I Wish I Had Stayed Pure Before Marriage

Today, on Wifey Wednesday, we welcome guest poster Darby Dugger, who is talking about staying pure until marriage. And remember: every Wednesday, you can link up your own marriage posts in the linky below!

“We have a young sister, and her breasts are not yet grown. What shall we do for our sister for the day she is spoken for? If she is a wall, we will build towers of silver on her. If she is a door, we will enclose her with panels of cedar.”

Verse 9 from the Expanded Bible says this,

If she is a wall [chaste],

we will put silver towers on her [support and honor her].

If she is a door [ promiscuous],

we will protect [enclose] her with cedar boards [put a stop to her sexual activity].

~Song of Solomon 8:8-9

I love the sense of community responsibility in this passage. Of course, personal responsibility is a must, but so is accountability… especially in the area of sex. For example, as a parent, I take these words to heart realizing that as my children enter into the dating scene (years from now, they are only babies today), I want to build a wall around them. I cannot leave them to practice self-control and abstinence on their own and, truthfully, it would be unloving for me to do so. Without the help of Bible believing Christians, they will fail.

I know this because I failed to stay pure.

I was always a good girl. In high school and college I made wise choices, I did not party, drink, cuss, or even flirt. My faith was what I was best known for, and it made perfect sense that I met my amazing husband volunteering at our church. We both held leadership positions within the different ministries in which we were involved. What attracted us most to each other was how we served the Lord in our individual lives. When we first began our courtship, in order to avoid sexual temptation, we made the choice not to kiss very often.

However, I did not guard my heart.

As I began, steadily, giving my heart away to my boyfriend… compromise began to set in. It entered subtly with our time boundaries: We began to spend more alone time together and, occasionally, I would even stay the night in his apartment. I rationalized that because we were not engaging in inappropriate sexual behavior it was okay. I enjoyed sleeping on his couch because I loved being around him, but I didn’t pause to think about the appearance of sin (1 Thess. 5:22 – KJV) we were portraying to his neighbors or the temptation that was to follow.

Not guarding my heart led to a compromise of alone-time boundaries which, eventually, blurred into physical temptation. About a year after our relationship began, we began to stumble in the area of purity. We both knew it was wrong, we would repent, and strive for purity again, but we were going about it alone.

We deeply desired to do things correctly, but we were trusting in our own flesh not to make the same mistakes we had already made.

Throughout our entire year and half dating relationship, no one that we were close with stopped to ask us how we were doing with staying pure until marriage. I am sure one of the reasons for this silence was people assumed we were doing things God’s way. But we weren’t. Don’t get me wrong, we tried to please God, but we failed. And for us, one failure led to another and another.  Satan began to whisper to me that it was too late to strive for purity in our relationship and, as I believed his lies, I was filled with shame.

It was only during premarital counseling that our minister asked us point blank if we had had sex. Our silence was his answer. Ironically, it was his loving, but firm, response that gave us the motivation to choose differently in our relationship.

It became easier to practice abstinence for the duration of our engagement because we had someone come along side us and encourage us towards the Biblical standard of purity.

After that awkward, but impactful, meeting… my then fiancé and I made the choice to abstain until our wedding night. A choice we had tried to make earlier, but now, with the help of someone else, it seemed possible.

I believed the lie from Satan that because we had made a mistake, God could never redeem it.  Discouragement has plagued my heart from the first time we crossed the line physically until today.  In fact, writing this post, over ten years later, is part of my healing process. Even since our marriage, I have lied to people and told them we were pure on our wedding night. In doing so, I missed so many opportunities for God to use our mistakes to help other people. The purpose of this post, however, is not merely to disclose a buried secret, but rather to share the wisdom I have gained through my mistakes.

1. I learned that staying pure until marriage is incredibly difficult without the help of others.

Truly, I was the last person I thought would give up her virginity before marriage and yet, because of my pride, I never confessed my struggle to another believer. If I had confided in a trust-worthy friend when the first temptations came, I bet our relationship choices would have taken a different direction. Now, as a married adult, I love to come alongside dating couples as they strive for purity. I don’t avoid asking them the hard questions rather than assuming they are making the right choices. Some are more receptive to my probing than others… some have made fewer mistakes than others, but either way, I am offering myself as a partner on their journey to help them remain pure until their wedding night. Premarital sex is a detour from the Divine plan for physical intimacy, and it is never in God’s will for a couple.

2. I learned that remaining sexually pure is equally as hard within marriage as it is before marriage.

Accountability must be brought in. I once heard a DJ on the radio say that if you have premarital sex it is telling your future spouse that you believe in sex outside of the wedding vows and that mindset can lead to higher chances of adultery. I personally don’t know if I agree with this completely, neither my husband or I believed in sleeping around or living together, and we didn’t make a habit of having (or justifying) premarital sex. Purity was simply a struggle at which we failed. However, that does make us more aware of how easily our flesh can lead us astray and how innocently physical temptations can begin. Thankfully, my husband and I have matured in this area and we both have people in our lives who we meet with regularly who help us remain faithful to each other in our thoughts and actions. We have in place many boundaries, which begin by guarding our emotional intimacy, in order to help us “affair-proof” our marriage. We willingly choose to confess our struggles to each other and to other believers. In fact, it is the people who ask us the hard questions who have become our closest friends and allies because it communicates their love.

3. I learned, first hand, that premarital sex has consequences one cannot escape.

Even though my husband and I did strive for purity until marriage for the majority of our dating relationship, the mistakes we made had consequences that lingered long after the wedding night. Ephesians 3:20 tells us that God can do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine. My husband and I missed out on more than we could ask or imagine by straying from God’s plan for us. However, along with the consequences, God has also offered us incredible grace. My husband and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary this year and, while, for many years sex was a source of contention for us; it is now an incredible and beautiful part of our relationship. God truly can bring beauty from ashes and He has certainly done that for our physical relationship (which brings me to my knees before Him all the more!).

My advice to married readers: Don’t rely on your own strength to keep your marriage bed pure! Invite accountability into your thought life, your internet history, and you physical boundaries with other! Also, invest in those around you who have yet to make it to the altar. Stand with them, encourage them, pray for them, and don’t be afraid to step on their toes. Oh, how my husband and I wish someone had stepped on ours! 

My advice to single readers: Don’t compromise sexually and stay pure. Take it from someone who has walked down a road I will always wish I had not: make wise choices about guarding your heart, avoiding the mere appearance of sin, and certainly abstaining from sexual intimacy before marriage. If you have already made mistakes, I urge you to start a fresh beginning today! It is never too late to hit the reset button. God wants to bless you more than you can ask or imagine. Don’t miss out.

And for all of you: let’s heed Darby’s advice and hold others accountable around us! Let’s ask the hard questions, as she says. Need a starting point? Here’s a post on 10 questions to ask a friend before she gets married.

Darby is a wife, mother, speaker, blogger, and author of the devotional, For the Love of Our Husbands. Her greatest passions are promoting healthy marriages and encouraging women to pray fervently for their husbands. Darby believes strongly in sharing her own weaknesses… trusting that God will redeem her sin struggles for His glory. You can connect with Darby via her website www.darbydugger.com.

 

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up your own marriage post in the linky below!

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4 Ways to Boost Your Health–and Your Marriage!

Today’s guest post is from Gaye at Calm. Healthy. Sexy–who wants to share with us how healthy can be sexy! I know usually on Tuesdays I do top 10 posts, but I thought we could handle just four points for today, since they’re all great! So here are 4 ways to boost your health–and your marriage!

You possess an amazing power.  Did you know that?  All women possess this power, although many aren’t aware of it.  Don’t worry – it’s not a weird “magic” sort of power.  It’s simply this – the power to improve your health, and at the same time to strengthen your marriage.  Many of the health problems we experience are tied to our habits – the choices we make in our lives, day in and day out.  Fatigue, irritability, and low energy, as well as serious condition like diabetes, high blood pressure and cancer, are closely linked to those daily habits and choices.  Our “power,” though, is that we can improve things like our energy and vitality and reduce our risk of getting sick, simply by making different choices and establishing new ways of doing things.  Here are 4 habits that can unleash your power to improve your health, while creating additional benefits for your marriage.

 4 Ways to Boost Your Health–and Your Marriage!

 1. Move your body every day.  My #1 health tip for women is to get up and move your body every day.  Some of that movement (4 or 5 times a week) should be exercise – 30 minutes or so of planned activity that raises your heart rate and breaks a bit of a sweat.  And some of it should simply be moving your body throughout the day – getting up from your desk, off the couch and out of the car and just moving.  That combination – planned exercise plus regular movement – provides tremendous benefits, including increased energy, reduced stress, better sleep, and decreased risk of diabetes, heart disease and cancer.  You don’t have to go to a gym – instead, find ways to incorporate exercise and movement into your day.  Walk at lunch, walk while the kids practice soccer, dance with your husband, exercise with a DVD, or ride bikes as a family – anything that gets you up and moving.

Marriage Benefit – Regular exercise helps you look and feel better.  It helps you take charge of your body, rather than feeling like pregnancy, breastfeeding, childrearing and aging have taken charge and are ruining it!  All of these things build confidence, which can benefit all areas of your marriage, especially sex and intimacy.  Plus, exercising with your husband creates a bond and a shared interest.  My husband and I have walked and talked while our boys rode bikes, while they played at the playground, and before, during and after their soccer games.  (Now if I could just get him to try dancing!)

 

2. Feed your body well.  Our bodies operate best when we feed them real, whole foods.  They need fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts, legumes, and protein (dairy, fish, meat, or eggs).  They don’t need much added sugar or added chemicals, or any artificial fats. Processed foods, which contain many of those ingredients, contribute to obesity, diabetes and heart disease, and they don’t provide the kind of energy most women need to get through their busy days.  In fact, they can make you feel “weighed down,” rather than energized and ready to go.  So begin adding more real foods to your family’s diet, and gradually begin cutting down on processed foods.  Serve fruits as snacks, add an additional vegetable to each meal, make some of your own sweets and treats, add fruits and vegetables to smoothies, and use your Crockpot to make “fast food.”

Marriage Benefit – Eating well helps you and your husband look and feel your best.  It can help both of you lose weight.  Perhaps most important, a healthful diet plays a key role in preventing “lifestyle diseases,” like diabetes and high blood pressure, both of which create worry and stress and can impair sexual performance.  You want to grow old together, and the best way to enjoy your life now and in your later years is to do everything you can to stay healthy.

 

3. Control your family’s schedule.  “Wait a minute,” you may be thinking, “that’s not a health habit.”  Maybe not directly, but your family’s schedule plays a major role in your health, peace of mind and marriage.  Many families are on the go all day, every day.  They’re running from one activity to another – only to collapse into bed at the end of the day and do it all over the next day.  When that happens, there’s little or no time for relaxing, exercising, cooking real food, enjoying family meals, managing stress or simply enjoying life.  Controlling your family’s schedule can help you change that.  The basic idea is simple in concept but difficult in practice – you and your husband control your family’s activities, rather than letting them control you.  Doing so may mean making some tough decisions.  One of the toughest may be that you decide to cut, cancel or streamline some of your children’s activities.  Or maybe you have difficulty saying “no,” and need to unload some of your own commitments.  Either way, bringing your schedule under control will free up time for taking care of your health and mental health and simply enjoying your life as a family.

Marriage Benefit – Controlling your family’s schedule can free up time for you and your husband to focus on each other and your marriage, which is good.  It also allows you to establish your marriage (not your children’s activities) as the focal point of your family, which is great for the two of you and for your children.

 

4. Make love frequently.  Want to feel less stressed and sleep more soundly?  How about reduce pain and boost your immune system?  If so, add more lovemaking to your life.  Regular sex does all of those things and more.  It can also promote bladder control (by strengthening your pelvic floor muscles), increase libido, and reduce high blood pressure.  For husbands, regular sex can improve prostate health and may reduce heart attack risk.  It’s like taking a powerful medication, but cheaper and a lot more fun!

Marriage Benefit – We often think of sex as something that just benefits our husbands, but that isn’t true!  Making love regularly is great for wives, great for husbands and great for the two of you as a couple.  Regular sex brings you closer together.  It “smooths out” some of the rough spots in your marriage, and helps you focus on the things that matter and let go of the things that don’t.  It’s (probably) the primary way your husband builds an emotional connection with you.  And it’s fun – when the daily grind feels a bit too tedious or stressful, sex adds some fun and relaxation to your life.

What are your best tips for boosting your health and strengthening your marriage?  Please share them in the comments – I would love to hear from you.

Gaye Groover Christmus is a wife and mom to two almost-grown sons. She has a master’s degree in public health and works as a technical writer and editor in a health field. Her passion, though, is sharing information with married women about ways to slow down, live more calmly, enjoy better health and greater energy, and develop fun and intimacy in their marriages. She believes that knowledge is power, that small steps can lead to big changes, and that women armed with knowledge and a plan can transform their hurried, hectic lives. Gaye blogs at Calm.Healthy.Sexy.

The post 4 Ways to Boost Your Health–and Your Marriage! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

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