Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 209

How Porn in the House Affects Kids

When dad (or mom) uses porn, what happens to the kids in the house?
Today’s guest poster is going to tell her story today. She’s a frequent reader and a blogger, but she wishes to remain anonymous to protect the family members mentioned in her story. But I know her story could be so many others, too:

Porn’s version of paying it forward

Their eyes stared back at me each morning.  I tried to avoid looking at them by covering my face with my teddy bear or by looking down at my feet, but there was something strangely hypnotizing about them.  Stacks and stacks of magazines full of half-naked women piled just outside of reach, but not out of sight.  Odd really, considering that racier posters were in plain sight on the wall.

The word on the street that porn is harmless and that pin-up girl pictures never hurt anyone grieves my heart in the deepest way.   Not just because of the damage that porn is doing to marriages, but because of its effects on children.  Porn in the home pays forward dysfunctional attitudes and behaviours, passing on a heritage of sin and brokenness to the next generation.

Porn’s legacy in my life began with me feeling grossly unattractive and inadequate as a girl and eventually as a young woman.  It was the sentiment I experience now looking at a Cosmopolitan magazine in the grocery store multiplied by a thousand.  I didn’t know then that the images were not real.  My father was so captivated by these women, but I didn’t look anything like them.  Would any man ever want me?

The pictures also accelerated my sexual awareness.  I could sense when adults around me were attracted to each other and knew exactly what a locked door meant well before I had the emotional maturity to sort out how I felt about it.  I was confused, but I didn’t feel safe talking to anyone about it.  Sex was blatantly displayed around the house and yet I still felt a sense of shame about it.

Worst of all, these images distorted my view of myself as a woman.  I never saw pictures of men treating women with respect.  The women were always posed in such a way as to be “available for the man’s taking”.  The result in my young and impressionable mind was that the purpose of a woman was to be used by a man.  You’d think that this would be horrifying to a young girl, but it wasn’t.  I was actually petrified that I would never be “used” in that way by anyone.  I didn’t look like the women in the pictures, so I must not be desirable.  In my desperation to prove my own worthiness and desirability, I basically threw my virginity at the first guy I dated (who I didn’t even like!) because at least then I was desirable enough for someone to sleep with.

Hiding porn doesn’t erase its damage

In today’s world, grown-ups can hide their porn behind computer passwords, which I think provides a false sense of security. There’s no porn in the house; there’s only porn on the computer. It’s all tucked away, so it won’t hurt the kids, right?  Not so much.

Kids have a way of finding their parents’ secrets. My dad had movies, too.  They were at the back of the closet on a special shelf with a blanket on top of them.  I found them while looking for my game console, and knew exactly what they were.  I never watched one, but I easily could have.

Porn impaired my father’s parenting judgment.  If we are exposed to something over and over again, it becomes normal for us, and it takes more and more to produce a sense of shock.  While I was thankfully never in the room when the back-of-the-closet movies made their way onto the TV, I did see more than my fair share of inappropriate media content.  I spent countless hours watching shows with violent and sexual themes.  I was also taken to an R-rated movie at the tender age of 8.  Images of naked prostitutes from that film remain crystal clear in my mind more than 25 years later.  Worst of all, they have a habit of popping into my head when I’m making love to my husband.  Perfect.

Porn in the home compromised my stepmother’s parenting judgment.  I think that my stepmother was affected by desensitization as well.  Nudity was no big deal to her.  She would force me to change out of my swimsuit in public places in spite of my protests because she thought my objections were ridiculous.  During a group campout, the girls had to sponge-bathe outside while the boys watched.   This was no big deal for her, but it made me want to puke.  Could she have been so misguided without porn’s influence?  Perhaps.  But I’m guessing it didn’t help matters any.

A better legacy

The issues that I’ve mentioned still affect me to varying degrees today.  They didn’t just disappear when I grew up and got married.  I have many of the symptoms of porn use even though I have never voluntarily looked at it!  By God’s grace I have a wonderful husband who is captivated by me and only me.   Together and by God’s strength, we are building healthy attitudes and behaviours, trying to pass on a heritage of faith and wholeness in God to our children.   Won’t you join us?

Sheila says, Thanks so much for writing this, Anonymous! I appreciate it.

If you are struggling with porn in your house, here are some posts that can help:

The Top 10 Effects of Porn on your Marriage and Your Sex Life

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn

What to do if you Catch Your Child Using Porn

The post How Porn in the House Affects Kids appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Reader Question of the Week: How Do I Prevent My Teenage Sons from Using Porn?
Is Looking At Porn Cheating?
Is Porn the New Smoking?

Soul Ties: How to Break Them and Live in Freedom

A New Season!  Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”–so today I want to announce a new day here in our community.  With the desire to reach and teach as many as possible and with intention to promote Christ in all things–marriages, family and life, I am going to start using Wednesdays to promote and share some wonderful posts that you may not have read–and to give you some treasure troves of new bloggers to follow. So I will be discontinuing the linky from now on. I want to be sure that the posts that you read from here I can thoroughly agree with, and so I’m going to hand pick the ones I recommend. They will share on topics I have picked for each week.  This week’s topic talks about putting your past behind you and forgiving yourself.
Soul ties–or invisible bonds–wreak havoc on so many marriages. Today guest poster and author Danielle Tate explains what soul ties are, and how we can break them.

When I was 17, I naively thought the sexual behavior I partook in was harmless and momentary. I reconciled in my head that because we had intentions on getting married and because our hearts were “right” toward each other that sexual activity was somehow okay.

Two years later when we split, my heart literally ached. I remember standing in the grocery store parking lot where he worked just wanting him to hug me “one last time.” He was like a drug, a good drug that I needed. I was going through withdrawal over a silly boy but my body ached without him. Friends told me to move on but I could not get past the feeling that part of me had suddenly been ripped away. Recovery was slow and painful – filled with anger, rebellion and a new tattoo.

“The next time it will be different,” I told myself. Boy, was I right. It was all kinds of different. Seven years of hell ended with exposed lies, infidelity and abuse. Way different from my straight-A, Honor Society, college-bound beau. Yet the old familiar feeling of needing my fix still came even after I dumped his clothes in the driveway. I was addicted, but to what?

This time, unlike before, I initiated the break up. I knew he was a loser (though I see him differently now) and I knew it was a very unhealthy relationship. Yet for months, we had “conjugal visits.” It seemed I was the prisoner sentenced to a life of longing fulfilled only by someone I didn’t love and didn’t even want to be around.

Twisted isn’t it?

Yet this is what happens when we have sexual experiences outside the confines of marriage. Actually, it’s what happens when we have sexual experiences regardless of our marital status. Every time we have a sexual experience, we are creating deep-rooted bonds with the other individual. There are a few different terms used to describe these bonds but the most popular, and the one I use in my book is “soul ties.”

The Dynamics of Soul Ties

A soul tie is defined as “A spiritual connection between two people who have been physically intimate with each other or who have had an intense emotional or spiritual association or relationship.”* If you think of sex inside the confines of marriage this is a wonderful thing. God created us to have sexual relations with our spouse that in turn create deep-rooted bonds.

See, He knew that after the honeymoon, there’d be morning breath, bills to pay, kids to raise and dirty socks left on the floor. He knew life would happen and so He created us to be deeply bonded with our spouse so that during the crazy seasons of life when we sometimes don’t really like our spouse, we would still be deeply bonded to them.

Soul Ties, Drugs and Super Glue

When we have a sexual experience, our brains produce dopamine, the same chemical that feeds a gambling addiction, your chocolate cravings and the junkie’s need for another fix. Dopamine is often described as the “feel good” chemical of the brain and it plays a major role in our lives (good and bad). You see, our bodies don’t care if it’s cocaine, a cupcake or a sexual experience – dopamine will be produced and it will bind us. This is why my former boyfriends were like my drug of choice and why I could not see myself without them. I was addicted to the high. I had created soul ties when I had these feel- good, intimate experiences with guys I wasn’t married to. This is also why it literally hurt when I broke up.

Soul ties are like super glue. If you’ve had sexual encounters outside of marriage, consensual or forced, there is most like a lingering soul tie that needs to be dealt with otherwise you’ll forever be plagued with thoughts, feelings and even actions that are unwanted. I mention forced encounters because, although pleasure is not associated with abuse, our brains still produce chemical reactions and our soul can still be tied to someone who has abused us. Some symptoms of lingering soul ties include:

Someone whose voice you hear in your head
Obsessive day-time thought about someone
Dreaming or waking up at night thinking about someone on a regular basis
Someone you think of or “see” in your mind when you are intimate with your spouse

A Marriage in Crisis

Speaking of spouses, the hidden soul ties in my life deeply affected the first several years of my marriage. It gto so bad that my husband thought I was having an affair. I was distant, I disliked sex….I really disliked sex and I was not fulfilled. Unbeknownst to him, I would cry almost every.single.time we had sex. The guilt, shame and dirty feelings I had as a sexually active single woman carried right into my marriage. Those feelings didn’t go away just because we said “I do.” Ceremony alone was not enough to make my past sexual sins disappear. I needed healing. I needed forgiveness and I need a clean break.

Breaking Soul Ties

There are 4 Key steps to breaking soul ties:

Acknowledge
Confess and Repent
Forgive
Break and Remove

First, we need to acknowledge that there is a problem. Ask the Lord to show you who you have ungodly soul ties with. Make a list if you need to. Secondly, we need to confess and repent of our sins. This may involve finding a godly accountability partner that you can confess to and who can help you walk through the process. It maybe be a church counselor, pastor or elder or a family member.

Next, we need to find forgiveness. We need to accept God’s forgiveness, we need to forgive ourselves and lastly, we need to forgive our former partners or abusers. Remember, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.”

Finally, you need to verbalize a prayer to break off the soul ties. You need to speak it out! Life and death are in the power of the tongue so when you speak out you are declaring with your mouth the power of Christ to break the ties to your past. You must also do an inventory and remove any mementoes, gifts or souvenirs from those past relationships.

*Tim Stewart “Soul Ties (and Breaking Soul Ties)” http://www.dictionaryofchristianese.c...

For more detailed help breaking soul ties and walking through the process of restoration, pick up a copy of Restoring the Lost Petal: A Journey Through the Loss and Restoration of Sexual Purity. It’s available now in my store as a .pdf download (you can read it on your computer or on any phone or ereader), or as a paperback here.

Danielle Tate, founder of Thrive Ministries, is passionate about sharing her message or restoration with women of all ages. After 13 years in the corporate world, she became a stay at home wife and mother and began making natural beauty products and blogging. She is the author of Restoring the Lost Petal: A Journey Through the Loss and Restoration of Sexual Purity. You can find her blogging at More Than Four Walls where she writes about faith, food, and biblical stewardship. Danielle is married to Brad and they have a son, Wyatt.

Hi everybody! Welcome to the new format of Wifey Wednesday! Instead of doing a link up party, I’m going to link up a few posts from awesome marriage bloggers who have talked about the same subject, so that we can stick to a “theme for the week”! So here’s today’s theme: getting over your past.

The Generous Wife: The Tipping Point

Dayna Bickham: Breaking the Cycle of Unforgiveness

Women Living Well: Pursuing Purity (in an Opposite World)

Messy Marriage: Shame on You?

To Love, Honor and Vacuum: Getting over the Guilt of your Sexual Past

The post Soul Ties: How to Break Them and Live in Freedom appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Wifey Wednesday: What Comes First? Sex or Friendship?
Live Blogging FamilyLife's Weekend to Remember, Day 2!
Top Ten Hardest Things to Share after Saying "I do"

10 Ways to Make Your Birthday Meaningful

“It’s my birthday! Now what?”

Ever felt like that? You want your birthday to be special and meaningful, but sometimes it can be a bit of a letdown. You had expectations of what other people would do for you, and those expectations didn’t always come to pass.

My birthday was on Sunday, and I had a great day! Perhaps more importantly, though, I have other things that I’m putting into place to make sure that the year ahead of me starts out on solid footing. So I’d like to share with you today, on Top 10 Tuesday, 10 things you can do to make your own birthday special and meaningful.

These include a few ways to make sure you enjoy your actual birthday, but also several ideas about how to use your birthday as a springboard for taking stock of your life and making sure that you’re on the right path.

Remember our Top 10 Tuesday philosophy: you don’t have to do all 10 things! Find 1-3 ideas that really speak to you, and put them into practice! That’s the way to make your life better: read a bunch of things, but then actually DO the few that you know would make the most difference in your life.

So here we go: 10 Ways to avoid the “It’s my Birthday!” disappointment, and start your new year right instead:

Make the Day Fun for You
1. Plan Your Own Day

If you have certain things you want to do, or certain presents that you want, tell your family. If it’s vitally important to you, then don’t take the risk that it won’t come to pass. My husband is relieved when I tell him exactly what I want for my birthday or exactly what I’d like him to do, because then he doesn’t have to plan it or risk choosing the wrong thing.

Doesn’t that make it less romantic or less special?

Perhaps. But I’d rather have the guarantee that we’ll do what I actually want to do! If you don’t have a clue what you want to do, or if you have a family member who is really good at thinking up the most fun surprises, then by all means just go with it. But if you have something specific you’d like, let them know. Don’t expect them to mind read.

2. Get Outside

Think back to your most meaningful memories over your life. How many of them are spent inside, in front of a screen? Likely few. How many of them are spent outside in nature, or in a car heading somewhere special, or browsing through new shops? Probably many more. We remember things that are special.

So try to get out of the house on your birthday and do something special! Explore a quaint little town near where you live with some friends. Take your children to a special park and giggle with them. Visit a zoo.

3. Let Yourself Splurge on One Thing

Have you been depriving yourself of something? Maybe you’ve cut out all chocolate, or you’ve cut out coffee, or you’ve cut out pop. Maybe you haven’t let yourself read a novel for a while because you have too much to do.

Let your birthday be the one day a year when you’re allowed to partake in ONE thing that you’ve been saying no to. Obviously this won’t work if it’s a major addiction to something bad, like alcohol or smoking, but sometimes this can work wonders! I told myself when I quit Diet Pepsi in December that I could have as many as I wanted once a year–on my birthday. So at 6:30 a.m. on my birthday I cracked open a Diet Pepsi for the first time in 6 months–and found out I hated it. I’ve been craving it for months, and now I think that craving is over because my tastes have changed. So I’m glad I tried.

But knowing that I could have some once a year made it easier to give it up. I wasn’t saying “never again”, after all!

Take Stock of Your Health

Every year, on your birthday, you’re supposed to change the batteries in your smoke detector. In my neck of the woods they’ve been trying to push this as a new habit for years, and it does make sense. We never forget our birthdays; if we think of birthdays as a time to change those batteries, they’re more likely to get changed.

So why not think of birthdays as a time to take stock of your health, too?

4. Make Sure You’re Healthy–or Do what the Doctor Says

This time last year I had a blood test requisition hanging on my fridge door. I had been to the doctor in April, and she had said I should probably get some blood work done. But I had two issues with that: I figured I was perfectly healthy, and besides that, who likes needles?

That requisition sat there, until finally, last November, after almost collapsing from exhaustion after a speaking engagement, it occurred to me that there might actually be something wrong. I went, and discovered I was severely anaemic. And now I think I’m on the road back to health.

If I had just gone and had that test this time last year, my blood levels would probably only have been slightly low, and I could have avoided a lot of misery this year.

My mother had breast cancer at 43. I’ve been going for yearly mammograms for over a decade now.

I’d like to be here for my grandkids, and I’d like to grow old with my husband, but that means taking care of my body now. Let each birthday be a reminder to you to check in with the doctor, and make sure everything is okay.

5. Check Your Weight–and Your Measurements

I know this doesn’t sound like fun, but making a birthday meaningful isn’t just about having a pile of fun. It’s also a reminder that life is fleeting, and we want to be able to enjoy it and serve with purpose for as long as we can. I make it a point to check my weight and my measurements (waistline, hip measurement, etc) every birthday, just so I get a sense of where things are going. I’m perfectly at peace with getting a little bit bigger. That’s part of aging. But I’m not at peace with growing by 10 pounds a year, because if we do that every year, suddenly we’re up 100 pounds in a decade.

Making sure I have something to measure against every year is helpful. I have a special notebook for that, and I just pull it out every year to look at the direction I’m going. That way I know if a course correction is urgent, or if I’m doing well.

Take Stock of Your Purpose

Birthdays are great times to reflect on the year that has past and get inspiration for the year ahead. Here are some of the things I’m thinking about:

6. What’s Your “One Word” for the Year Ahead?

Have you heard of the “one word” challenge? People pray for one word that encapsulates what they want to work on this year.

I definitely know my one word for the next year. It’s PASSION. I’ve felt lately that I need more passion in my life: passion for God, passion for nature, passion for my husband, passion for my family. I’ve been living my life lately too much by rote, pushing myself to do what needs to get done, and I’ve forgotten how to be passionate about it.

Now that my health is getting better, I want to find that passion again in all areas of my life.

When you think of what God is trying to teach you, what word comes to mind? Pray that God will give you a new word.

7. What’s Your “One Song” for the Year Ahead?

I also ask God to give me a song. I don’t want to share all the details here, but God so often confirms things to me through certain songs being sung at key times. And so I often ask Him–what’s the song that you’ll speak to me with this year?

Last’s year’s song for me was “Enough”, originally written by Chris Tomlin. Here are the Barlow Girls singing it:

And guess what song was sung at church on my birthday? That was a cool God moment.

So I’m asking God for a new song this year, one that I will listen to everyday, and sing in the shower, and meditate on. I don’t know what it is yet, but I’m asking!

8. What’s Your Verse for the Year Ahead?

Last year the verse that kept coming back to me, over and over again, was Philippians 4:13:

I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.

Perhaps it was because I was so tired, but I needed that verse.

This year I’m asking God for a different one, one that will help me orient and keep my eyes focused on His purposes for me this year. And when will I get that verse?

9. Plan a Yearly Retreat

I know my “one word”, but I don’t know my verse and I don’t know my song. How am I going to figure them out? I’m planning on taking a weekend by myself to pray through decisions I need to make, relationships, and work. I’m bringing some heavy duty planners so I can look at all my responsibilities and ask, “do I want to keep doing this particular thing?” I’m going to figure out where I’m too busy, what I need to cut, and what I need to add (I haven’t been knitting enough lately. For my own mental health, I need to knit more!).

I have the luxury of being able to go away for a weekend because my children are older now. If you still have little ones at home, maybe this sounds like a fun activity for your birthday? Gather all your planners and go to Starbucks, or better still, pick up some snacks and head somewhere outside. Get some extended peace and quiet by yourself so that you can plan, focus, and clarify.

I can’t do my retreat on my birthday. My book 9 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage is due at the publisher June 20, so I’m frantically editing until then. But I’ve already set the date and put it in my calendar.

Take Stock of Your Relationships
10. Thank Your Family, or Make Amends

You’re getting older. And over this last year you’ve either grown closer to your family members or grown further apart–or perhaps a combination.

It’s a good time to think about the key relationship changes you’ve had this year. Have you had a particularly difficult year with a sister? Have you reconciled with a mother? Have you been sharp and critical with your husband?

Pray about it, and if God brings someone to mind, write a letter or arrange a special date to either make amends or say thank you. Personally, when I need to say thank you, I like doing it in a letter so people can have it as a keepsake. When I need to apologize, I like doing it in person, face to face. Don’t start a new year without making your relationships right.

I know we don’t tend to think about these things as “birthday” issues, but then, changing the batteries in  your fire alarm aren’t birthday issues, either. Yet it needs to be done, and I believe all of these things need to be done, too. If we can start seeing birthdays as a time to take stock and make sure that we’re heading in the right direction, then I think birthdays can be a source of inspiration, energy, and peace for us, rather than a day of expectations that everyone else has to do everything right.

I’m planning my Retreat right now. I hope that you all can take advantage of your birthday, too, so the passing of another year can actually be something meaningful!

The post 10 Ways to Make Your Birthday Meaningful appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Reflections on My Birthday
My Daughter's 18th Birthday Trip
'Twas My Birthday and I'll Gloat If I Want To…

Me and Diet Pepsi, Some Inspiration, and Some Links

Yesterday was my birthday, and I had a lovely day birding in the morning with my husband, then going to church, out to lunch, and then out for a beautiful drive exploring with my mom and my hubby.

My husband and I have recently started bird watching as a hobby so we can spend more time together. And one of the challenges we do is to try to see the number of bird species on your birthday as your age. So I was supposed to see 44 yesterday. We ended up seeing 43. We only went out for 2 hours, so that’s not bad, but I think we didn’t make it all the way to 44 because I’m still only 43 at heart! Anyway, we got up at 6:30 and went out for a while before church. Here we are at a board walk 10 minutes from our house. The boardwalk was under water in places, and I didn’t have boots!

Lots of fun, though.

Here’s the biggest discovery I made yesterday. I quit Diet Pepsi on December 20. I had been drinking 2 a day for  years, and I decided I just couldn’t do the aspartame anymore, so I quit cold turkey. It was hard. And the cravings never really went away. I just longed for something fizzy.

I made a deal with my daughter: every year, on my birthday, I could drink as many Diet Pepsis as I wanted! I was so looking forward to my birthday–not for the presents or the fun, but for the drink!

So here we are, out to lunch, and I have my Diet Pepsi:

Only problem? IT TASTED HORRIBLE!

Seriously. I tried a whole bunch of it yesterday and I hated it. I’ve been craving it for six months, and I don’t even like it anymore. I guess I’m now officially cured. I didn’t finish even one whole Diet Pepsi yesterday.

To my American readers, I hope you’re all enjoying a beautiful Memorial Day weekend!

Since it is a long weekend for the majority of my readers, and since I did just have a birthday, I thought that instead of writing a big post today I’d share some inspiration and a few links that you may enjoy.

I shared that on Facebook last week (are you on my Facebook Page? We have great discussions and lots of great inspiration!).

Because it’s a long weekend for many of you, I thought I’d share some ideas on how to spend some time together, and the importance of spending time together. So I just browsed what posts have been pinned from Pinterest lately (follow me here), and here are some of the more popular ones about building your relationship:

Want a date night? Here are the 50 most romantic movies to watch as a couple (as chosen by my Facebook fans).

10 Cheap Date Night Ideas for parents of young kids. Great ideas here!

25 Marriage Tips. They’re fun! Share them with friends.

2 Player Board Games to play with your hubby. If the weather’s lousy in your neck of the woods today, this may come in handy!

My Husband Never Wants to Spend Time with Me. Finding ways to spend time together that work.

Finally, if you have some one-on-one time today, especially if you can make a picnic and go out in nature to work this through together, what about talking to your husband about your vision and purpose as a family (or a couple)? I’ve got some printables here, and it’s a great exercise to start!

I know some of  you are away from your husbands today because of work, or because he’s deployed and he’s on the other side of the world. I just want to give a big shout out to the military wives who read this blog (or the female military personnel themselves), and who serve their countries well, and yet sacrifice so much. We do appreciate you, and we wish you all the best on this day, too!

Have a wonderful day, everyone!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post Me and Diet Pepsi, Some Inspiration, and Some Links appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
I Miss My Diet Pepsi. Sigh.
Weekend Links and Inspiration
Come Find Me!–and other Weekend Links

The Science of Internet Porn–And What It Does to Sons and Husbands

Happy Saturday, everyone, and to my American friends–happy long weekend!

It’s my birthday weekend. I turn 44 tomorrow. Wow.

Anyway, I thought I’d leave you with a 16 minute video that is SO IMPORTANT to watch. Seriously, just put it on while you’re doing dishes or something today. But please watch it.

It explains the science behind what happens when men watch porn, and traces how porn causes low libido, erectile dysfunction, addiction, depression, and passivity.

And it offers hope for how our brains can change.

It also explains the impact, especially on young teenagers.

So many of you have husbands who watch porn. I think if those men could watch this video, they may finally understand why it’s a problem. And all parents need to see this:

I know it’s heavy, but I hope that gives you something to think about as you’re gardening and spending some family time this weekend!

The post The Science of Internet Porn–And What It Does to Sons and Husbands appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Reader Question of the Week: How Do I Prevent My Teenage Sons from Using Porn?
Top 10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Your Marriage, and Your Sex Life
Reader Question of the Week: Are We Captivating our Husbands or Competing for Them?

Real Christians Can Get Tattoos

Is there a litmus test for being a Christian?

Absolutely. And I think they figured it out around 300 A.D., when a group of bishops got together and wrote the Apostle’s Creed. It’s short, it’s to the point, and it’s everything that should unite us.

Interestingly, though, if you read that creed, you’ll find that it says nothing about tattoos or yoga or spanking or day care or alcohol or modesty or music choices. It concentrates on things like believing that Jesus is the Son of God who died for your sins, was crucified, died and buried; He descended into hell; the third day he rose again from the dead and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. You know, stuff like who God is; what He did for us in the past; what He does for us now; and what He’ll do in the future.

Real Christianity Isn’t About Christian Legalism

I’ve always been of the opinion that you can be a real Christian without having to follow a bunch of man-made rules. Real Christians can get tattoos. Real Christians can drink a beer after work or a glass of wine at dinner. Real Christians can do yoga, can date, can leave their kids in day care, can decide not to spank, can wear shorts, can listen to secular music, can kiss before they’re married, and can even vote Democrat (or Liberal).

Now, there are quite a few of those things that I would never do. I certainly have my opinions about the wisdom of many of those behaviours–as I’ve written about on my blog before. And I do think that most Christians, once they know God better, will start to have opinions on some of them, too.

Nevertheless, I am quite dismayed at the stringency with which many Christians loudly declare that so many of these things are absolute sins and lead to incurring God’s wrath.

It leads me to wonder: are we more concerned about showing people Jesus or about feeling righteous ourselves?

Because sometimes it really looks like the latter. It looks like Christian legalism has made a real comeback.

I wonder if this is more a problem on the internet than in real life.

The internet can be a very polarizing place. I can write a post where I think I take a reasoned approach, and then someone will comment with something so extreme that it seems out of left field. Yet because that comment is there, people tend to assume that opinion is widely held, even if it’s not. Regular people read that comment, and then figure they can’t say anything because they’ll get ridiculed. And thus the comments section of most blogs and websites is dominated by the extremes, giving the impression that that vast middle is underrepresented, when it’s not.

This week alone, I have had comments left on older posts on my blog telling me that it is impossible to do the stretches in yoga without worshiping an Eastern god (even though the yoga exercises I do with my Wii don’t mention anything about emptying your mind, but tons about stretching your hamstrings). I have been told that “courting” is too liberal, because it’s too much like dating, and we should move towards betrothal instead, where a boy “proposes” to the girl’s father before any relationship has started. I have been told that if parents don’t spank their kids their children will go to hell. And I have been told that my daughter is in mortal danger because she read Harry Potter.

Stop it, people, with the Christian legalism. Just stop it.

Paul was not impressed with this kind of behaviour. In fact, he thought it was rather immature. Paul himself ate food that had been sacrificed to idols. He talked to women. He ate food that wasn’t kosher. He did all kinds of things that would have been seen as “breaking the rules”. And then he said this, in Colossians 2:20-23:

Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to the world, do you submit to its rules: 21“Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? 22These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. 23Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

Are we spending so much emotional energy creating a whole new set of increasingly stringent rules which have no power in and of themselves to change behaviour, while ignoring the fact that we are called to show Jesus to the world?  Remember that the more insane and extreme we look, the less likely we’ll have an effective witness.

“Ah,” but some will reply. “Jesus was radically counter-cultural, and so we should be radically counter-cultural, too.”

Yes, but Jesus was radically counter-cultural not to regular people, but to the Pharisees.

It wasn’t the regular people who had issues with Him; it was those who were in the business of writing rules about who would get into the kingdom of God and who would not.

It’s interesting, but in my “real” life (as opposed to my internet life) I don’t seem to have these struggles. In fact, our struggles tend to go in the opposite direction. My daughters had some major conflict at different camps and youth groups because it seemed that all that was ever preached was grace, and not holiness. Yes, God is gracious, and yes, forgiveness is freely offered, but if you love God, you will also live a godly lifestyle. Telling teens that “God accepts you no matter what” isn’t a complete picture of the gospel. Grace without repentance is empty.

And so I often find myself in this strange middle, where I do believe that most Christians need to take their faith far more seriously, and yet I also believe that too many Christians are piling burden upon burden and rule upon rule, making the Christian life almost impossible, if not downright unattractive.

We need to get back to fixing our eyes on Jesus.

When we do that, we won’t have cheap grace, because we’ll be so overwhelmed by His sacrifice that we will repent. But we will also see clearly that Jesus loves people, not rules. And Jesus wants to call people to Himself, not separate His children into internet and cultural enclaves until we become so strange to regular people that Jesus’ message is no longer accessible.

Let’s keep the focus where it belongs: on Jesus. That’s the heart of the gospel far more than Christian legalism with a bunch of “do not touch, do not taste” rules.

 

The post Real Christians Can Get Tattoos appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Are Christians Really Uptight About Sex?
Wifey Wednesday: Should Christians Have Amazing Sex?
Wifey Wednesday: Christians Do Have Unhappy Marriages

How to Face Today When You Want to Turn Your Back On It

At the young age of fifteen, Jennifer Rothschild was diagnosed with a rare, degenerative eye disease that would eventually steal her sight. Known for her substance, and a down-to-earth style, Jennifer weaves together colorful illustrations, universal principles, and music to help audiences find contentment, walk with endurance, and celebrate the ordinary. Today she shares about how to face today, when you feel sad, depressed or stuck. 

“Mom, do I have to get up?

“Yes Jennifer, you have to get up; you are the mom!”

I would begin most days coaching myself to get up and be the grown up I was supposed to be. I didn’t want to face the day because that day was probably going to be like all the yesterdays… dark, hard and long.

That’s how I felt most mornings for a solid year. It was a long year of depression that was like nothing I’d ever experienced. I had been blind since a teenager and I was used to darkness – physical darkness, that is. But, this darkness was different. It was scary and stifling; I had more fatigue than faith.

The doctor explained how menopause had come and my body’s chemical support had gone haywire. I was full blown, chemically depressed! It had affected everything. I was tired, hopeless, forgetful and afraid.

I had relied totally on my mind to navigate blindness. You know, I’d have to pay attention to how many steps I took, which direction I was facing, where I placed my cup, and the like. I had to keep so much information in my brain like my calendar, my to do list, my phone numbers… and on and on.

Then, my brain chemistry and my female hormones engaged in World War Whew! Let’s just say, when blindness met menopause, they did not play nice. I was depressed. Plus, on top of that, I was depressed that I was depressed.

I’d tried to fix myself but I just couldn’t. So, every day felt the same – dark, hard and long. I didn’t want to face my day; I wanted to turn my back on it and roll over and pull up the covers.

Ever felt that way?

I bet you have. We all have. It is for different reasons that we share that dread.

It may be because of illness or debt that you don’t feel you can face your day.

It may be because you dread another encounter with that teenage child, aging parent or controlling boss that you feel you can’t face your day. It may be rejection, insecurity or depression that makes you want to turn your back on today.

Or, it could be your despair, your weight or your bank account that makes you want to call out, “Mom, do I have to get up?”

But, my friend, you do have to get up! Deep down, you want to. So, here are 3 ways to face your day when you want to turn your back on it:

1.  Cry when you hurt

Jesus wept (John 11:35) and so should you. When life hurts, admit your pain and cry. The physical act of shedding tears is important and protects our physical health.

But, crying out to God or emotionally expressing our sorrow is also vital in protecting the spiritual health of our souls.

When you cry out to God and tell Him your fear, despair and concern, you invite Him to join you in it. Don’t try to hold it in, suck it up or pull it off all on your own. When you’re hurt, abandon your pride and reservation and humbly admit your disillusionment to God.

Honesty leads to intimacy but repression leads to isolation. Don’t go it alone my friend. Cry when it hurts; your tears are safe with Him.

 2.  Trust God more than your feelings

Feelings are real, but they don’t always reflect absolute reality. In other words, our feelings about a situation may not always match the facts of the situation. We can misunderstand, misinterpret, and become miserable because of it!

Feelings may be unreliable at times, but they are still important to acknowledge. They hint at what is in your heart and in your head. They point to what you fear and what you desire. They often reveal beliefs you didn’t even know you held. So, don’t totally disregard them. Learn from them. What do those feelings represent? What are they inviting you to pay attention to?

Feelings can be incredibly revealing, so don’t repress them. But, let them serve you rather than govern you. If you let them serve you, you employ them as an intuitive detective that can lead you to ultimate truth. Feel your emotions, but don’t confuse them with facts or base your faith on them.

Your feelings will change; this season of pain will change. But, God never changes. That’s why we ultimately trust him more than our feelings (2 Corinthians 5:7).

God is faithful, God is with you, and you can trust Him with every detail and moment of your day…of your life!

3.  Choose loyalty over logic

Choose to loyally love God and faithfully follow Him even when the path you travel feels dark, hard and long. When sorrow invades our lives it rarely seem sensible to us. Just settle in the mystery of God and be more devoted to His revealed character than your mind’s natural reasoning.

Rest in the fact that your logic sometimes just isn’t enough. What God says about Himself is more dependable than what you “think” during a time of trial.

You can face your day when you know He is with you; He is for you; He is compassionate; He is good, and His ways are perfect.

God has been and will be faithful to you. Don’t miss the blessing that waits just around the bend by abandoning the walk of faith. As you choose to remain faithful to Him, you will see His faithfulness to you more clearly.

My year of depression came to a gradual end and God used it to usher in greater perseverance and gratitude. God can use whatever you are facing that makes you want to turn away also.

Don’t be discouraged my friend, and don’t lose heart. The next time you want to call out, “Do I have to get up?!”  whisper to yourself, “No, you don’t have to, but you want to because you don’t face this day alone!”

Jennifer is a wife, mother of 2 boys, speaker, and writer. Connect with Jennifer at www.jenniferrothschild.com. Jennifer’s new book, God is Just Not Fair: Finding Hope When Life Doesn’t Make Sense, walks through 6 tough questions of faith including, God do you care? Are you fair? Do you hear prayer? These are questions Jennifer wrestled with during her time of depression, and maybe you’ve been there too. Jennifer serves as your guide as you delve into the deep questions and doubts, and all the while, she holds your hand to comfort. She meets hearts right where they are when life doesn’t make sense. Learn more about the book at www.notfairbook.com.

 

The post How to Face Today When You Want to Turn Your Back On It appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Face to Face
Top 10 Ways to Turn Your Bedroom Into a Couple’s Oasis
Weird Things Are Growing Out of My Face

Wifey Wednesday: Reaching Your Sexual Prime–The Right Way

It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you can all link up in the Linky below. Today I want to start with a basic question:

Who has the best sex?

It isn’t the starlets that grace our magazine covers. It’s the married women who have put in over a decade with their men, who had borne children and balanced checkbooks and navigated mother-in-law issues. When I did my surveys for the Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that it was those married 16-20 years who report the best sex. That’s when we hit our sexual prime–when women peak, so to speak.

Now, society has long known that women often feel “sexier” in their late thirties and early forties than they did in their early twenties.

We’re more confident. We often have more money–and time–to spend on taking care of ourselves. We’re more at peace with our bodies.

But just because society gets the timing right doesn’t mean that it understands women well.

Instead of showing women that have hit their sexual stride in marriage, they turn to the Sex and the City phenomenon, or the “cougar” stereotype: in both cases, older, more mature women on the hunt for anyone to go to bed with. Reaching one’s sexual prime, where one is the most confident and the most “in the mood”, is seen as synonymous with throwing off the shackles of convention and having fun!

Their idea of fun, though, is just about the same as what we are constantly advising our teens not to do. What do we tell our kids?

Sex is better when you’re married, because sex is a real bond between two people. You can’t have sex lightly. Making love and lust are not the same thing.

And yet often women in their thirties and forties forget the reason that all of these things are true for teenagers is the exact same reason that they’re true for us: God made sex to be between two married people. He made it to connect us on three levels: physical, emotional, and spiritual. It isn’t just a physical act.

We don’t tell teens that sex is supposed to be for marriage, and that they shouldn’t “hook up”, because they’re too young to handle that kind of behaviour. We tell teens that because it’s true regardless of age.

And that means it’s true for us, too.

Yet many moms aren’t getting that message. Sure, we may not be sleeping with new guys, but we’re still looking to “throw off those shackles”. Why else would 50 Shades of Grey, a mommy porn book that depicts a bondage relationship as something that is loving and erotic, become such a huge bestseller? Because women equate it with sexual freedom. You don’t have to be bored with your husband! You can read some steamy stuff to get you in the mood! Explore your boundaries! Set yourself free!

I understand the pull.

I really do. So many of us have spent years in sexually unfulfilling marriages. We put up with it, and said little, because we were embarrassed, or we just figured that there was something wrong with us.

And then the kids get older, and we gain some confidence, and we think, “I don’t need to put up with this anymore! I’m missing out on so much, and I am going to have some FUN!”

But that’s the wrong prescription. Getting yourself aroused by reading erotica, and then having sex with your husband, means that you’re treating him like a sex toy. You’re having sex, but you’re fantasizing about a novel. And it’s not real intimacy.

What makes sex so great for those married for two decades is that we know each other well enough that we can be truly vulnerable. We can let our guard down. We can be totally open. That makes for amazing sex. Fantasizing about something else just causes us to lose the intimacy.

Sex can be hot, and most women find that it does get amazing once they’ve put in a decade and a half of marriage.

But the best way to have more fun isn’t to look to “throw off the shackles”; it’s to work on more communication, spicing things up, having more fun, and initiating more with your spouse, within your marriage. That’s the recipe for real sexual fun.

So if you’re hitting your late thirties and early forties, and you’re finally feeling like you’re “coming in to yourself”, and figuring out who you really are, that’s great. Maybe your libido is finally hiking, and you really do want to start having some real fun in the bedroom. You want to feel alive. You want to feel absolute passion. That’s all good stuff, and you were made to feel that way!

But remember not to buy in to our world’s idea of what freedom is, and what passion is.

True freedom is being with one person that you can become vulnerable with and share with and explore with. True freedom is having fun with your spouse to explore. It isn’t buying in to everything our world tells us is sexy; it’s finding that sexual freedom that you were always meant to have with your spouse.

Sex should be hot, and that’s totally possible in your marriage. But if you try to spice things up with erotica, or porn, or weird sex toys, it isn’t going to give you the passion you want, because real passion is paired with true intimacy.

What do you think? Have you seen the pressure to “explore” in weirder and weirder ways? How do you respond?

Have some marriage advice you want to share with us? Enter your URL into the linky below! Every Wednesday I feature two posts on my Facebook Page, so don’t miss the chance to get some real traffic!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

 

The post Wifey Wednesday: Reaching Your Sexual Prime–The Right Way appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Wifey Wednesday: Getting Over Your Husband’s Sexual Past
Wifey Wednesday: What is Appropriate Sexual Release?
Wifey Wednesday: Recovery from the Guilt of Your Sexual Past

Kissing in Marriage: Top 10 Kisses Every Marriage Needs

It’s our Top 10 Tuesday day, and I thought I’d run a fun post today on kissing in marriage.

Frankly, I’m afraid that kissing often becomes a lost art in marriage. Most of us kiss before we’re married, but once we’re married we often stop, because kissing is supposed to lead to something else, right? And if we’re not sure we want to go there, then we don’t want to kiss. We wouldn’t want to give him the wrong idea.

But when we stop kissing, we lose one of our greatest ways to boost our own libidos–and we lose out on a lot of intimacy and fun! So today I thought I’d share ten different kisses every marriage needs.

1. The “Hello” Kiss

He walks in the door–and you stop whatever you’re doing and make sure you get to him first–before the dog, before the kids, before anything. And you tell him, “I missed you today, and I’m glad you’re home!” Or if you’re the one who walks in the door, you seek him out first, and you plant one right on him. It’s usually light, it’s happy, and you’re smiling all the way through it.

I think this one’s my favourite–just because I look forward to whenever my husband comes home.

And what if it’s hello after a longer absence? Then all bets are off! You can end up on the floor, you can end up rolling around, you can end up all tangled. And tears are often involved.

2. The “Whooppee! I’m So Excited!” Kiss

You just got a promotion! He just got a raise. You just signed on the house! The little stick was pink. Whatever it may be–this one involves him picking you up and spinning you around, and lots of passion, and lots of laughter, all at the same time.

Because when we’re excited, we want to share it!

3. The “It’s Going to Be All Right” Kiss

Tears are falling silently. The miscarriage is over and you’re lying down in bed. You’re back from your mom’s funeral. You’re recovering from a fight with your teenage daughter, and you’re not sure if the relationship can be repaired.

And you lie down next to each other, hearts breaking, and you reach out and kiss. Sometimes it’s gentle, and sometimes it’s for dear life, but with this salty kiss you’re saying the same thing–I’m here with you. I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to get through this. And I want to share your pain.

Turn to each other when you hurt. It’s very healing.

4. The “I Love You So Much” Kiss

You’ve just prayed together and you’re overwhelmed by how amazing this man is. He’s just come back inside from throwing the ball around with your son. He stood up for you when your mom tried to manipulate you again.

And you’re so thrilled that this man is in your corner.

This kiss is heartfelt, it’s long, it’s drawn out–and you can feel it in your toes.

5. The “I’m Sorry” Kiss

One of your messed up–big time. You’ve confessed. You’ve forgiven. And now you’re rebuilding.

This one often starts out tentatively–but often ends up much more passionately. And often in bed! (Make up sex is a real thing, you know ).

6. The “I’m Going to Ravish You Now” Kiss

Here’s where the excitement is overwhelming, and the kiss takes on a life of its own.

This one almost always leads somewhere fun–and is almost always very memorable. Don’t be afraid to drag this one out. It’s more fun that way!

7. The “Silly” Kiss

You’re teasing each other. You’re tickling each other. You’re trying to gross the kids out. You’re dancing in the kitchen and he dramatically dips you–and then doesn’t let you get up.

We all need times just to be silly in our marriages. Throw in some silly kisses, too!

8. The “I Think You’re Hot” Kiss

This isn’t the passionate one–because you don’t have time. You’re stealing a kiss, and giving him a message for what’s coming later. Here’s where  you grab him, give him a long-drawn out, deep kiss that leaves him breathless–and then you smile and walk away, whispering, “later.” Because everyone needs some teasing in a marriage–as long as it’s going somewhere, of course!

9. The “You’re Just So Darn Cute” Kiss

You’re out for a walk and he’s telling a funny story. He’s imitating a weird accent and acting out a scene from work. He’s making you laugh, and he’s just so cute that you reach over and give him a little peck, laughing all the way.

Throw in some laughter into your marriage–it’s good for the soul!

10. The “Good-Bye” Kiss

Finally, it’s the most important one. Whether it’s just an affectionate peck when you say good-bye in the morning, or a tear-laced drawn out kiss when you’re parting for a while, make sure that every time you part, you part with a kiss. Make it a habit–let that always be the last thing you do, and you’ll hold on to him the whole time he’s gone.

Kissing in marriage is so important to express all kinds of different emotions. It’s our own special way of connecting. If your marriage regularly uses one or two of these–but rarely all ten, maybe it’s time to expand your repertoire! Laugh more. Be silly more. When you’re resolving conflict, end it well. Comfort him more. Be more vulnerable. Open up more.

Kissing can do all of that. So let’s rediscover the lost art of kissing–and have a wonderful time doing it!

Haven’t kissed passionately in a while? Just start with some little pecks to say good-bye and hello, and build from there. But don’t let kissing die. It’s too important–and too fun!

In my book, 31 Days to Great Sex, kissing is one of my 31 challenges! I encourage couples to share a 15-second kiss every day. It can totally transform your marriage. If your romance is stuck in the duldrums, check out 31 Days to Great Sex, and rediscover your passion for each other again.

The post Kissing in Marriage: Top 10 Kisses Every Marriage Needs appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Reader Question of the Week: Help! My Husband Hates Kissing!
Quick Intimacy Tip: Pucker Up!
Intimacy Before Marriage: It’s More than Just Sex!

Reader Question: I Hate My Daughter’s Boyfriend!

“I hate my daughter’s boyfriend.” That’s a tough situation to be in. And that’s our Reader Question this week! Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s this week’s from a woman who is not pleased with who her daughter is dating:

I am concerned about my daughter’s current boyfriend. It seems to me and my son that he doesn’t respect my daughter and he is getting her involved with odd things – role-playing games, songs with bad lyrics, etc. She is 18, so I have limited power, but any advice would be great. Her dad doesn’t really see it, but he is gone a lot for work.

This is a difficult one, isn’t it? Personally, I’m really blessed, because I love my daughter’s boyfriend, but I’ve often thought about what I would do if one of my daughters decided to date someone I didn’t approve of.

And the truth is that once they’re a certain age there really isn’t a whole lot you can do. You can’t forbid them; they’re an adult. Nevertheless, you do have influence, so here are some thoughts I have on how to tackle this problem.

Keep Your Daughter’s Boyfriend Close

You know the saying, “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer?” I think this applies doubly for a situation like this!

Here’s the thing: if you tell your daughter that he is an awful person, and you tell her that you don’t like him, what’s she going to do? She’ll hang out with him anyway, but she’ll do it away from you! You’ll end up driving her away from the family.

Teenage love is a strange thing. People feel all these intense things, and believe that this is real love, and we’re alone in the world, and no one else understands us. Pretty much all teenage couples feel this way to some extent. Add in a slightly controlling or “dangerous” boyfriend, and you’ve already got those feelings doubled.

Then, if you start reinforcing this by telling her how awful her boyfriend is, she’ll take that as a sign that this is true love, and that only her boyfriend does understand her.

Instead, have him over a lot. Engage him in conversation. Ask him to help with things around the house, like fixing some plumbing or changing the oil on your car or something. Treat him like he’s part of the family.

Won’t this tell your daughter that you like him? Not necessarily, especially if you follow the next few steps. But what it will do is show your daughter how he sticks out like a sore thumb. If he is really different from your family, and your daughter is comfortable in the family, and then she finds that he just doesn’t fit, it could easily make him look more pathetic. If she only spends time with him away from the family, he can look better than he really is.

Here’s another benefit: even if you don’t like this boy for your daughter, he is a child of God. And right now, you have influence over him. I can think of two moms that I know who didn’t like their sons’ girlfriends. But they embraced those girls, they mentored those girls, they interacted with them on Facebook and tried to make them feel like they were valued, and when those destructive relationships did end, those girls had seen what Jesus’ love looks like.

If you bring that boy into the fold, you’re not blessing the relationship. You’re simply exerting influence, and showing your daughter that you trust that she will eventually make the right decision. And then you’ll know more what’s going on in their relationship, because they’re living it under your eyes.

Ask Your Daughter What She Wants in a Relationship

Talk to your daughter about the future. Where does she want to be in five years? In ten years? What kind of job does she want? How does she picture herself living? Does she want children? Then ask her in the abstract: what kind of man would make a good father? What are your non-negotiables for a husband? Eventually you may ask her how she sees her boyfriend fitting into this.

The main point: Don’t volunteer your own opinion. Simply keep asking questions. It’s better for her to come to the conclusion herself about whether he’s marriage material than for you to tell her repeatedly.

Share Your Specific Concerns to Your Daughter about her Boyfriend

In this case, the mom is worried about the role playing games and the songs she’s listening to. Again, start with questions. “What do you think of that song?” Share with her that this isn’t a song that you thought that she would like. And ask her, “have things changed? Do you feel differently now?”

If she no longer feels the same convictions that you do, you can’t make her suddenly have those convictions. But you can make her confront her own hypocrisy. Ask her, “how does this connect with your faith?” If she can’t answer it, then at least she can start to see that her faith may be weak. You can’t have a real God experience without realizing that you truly need Him and you’ve messed up. It’s totally okay to help her see that.

One word of warning, though: It could be that she does still love God, but she’s going to express it in different ways than you would. I know some teenagers, for instance, who the parents have told me have “rebelled” and have “turned their backs on God.” However, from my perspective they haven’t done that at all. They’ve gotten tattoos, and they’ve got different views of some social and political issues, and they’ve started going to different churches. But they still love God, they’re still in ministry, and they still pray and identify as Christians. They just do it in a different way from their parents.

I’m not saying that’s what happening here; I’m just saying that sometimes we react to what we perceive is a child leaving the faith, when really they’re choosing to express faith in a new way. I know that’s hard, because it means that your child is rejecting your family culture. But please, in those times, remember that God is bigger than your family culture, and see the faith that is still in your child. Approve of it. Bless it as he or she goes on a different journey, and don’t make him or her feel guilty for choosing something other than what you would do, as long as the essentials of the faith (say, the Apostle’s Creed, for instance) are still there.

What if the Relationship is Dangerous?

But what if it’s not a question of just disapproving of the guy, but a question of the relationship honestly being dangerous? Maybe she’s at risk of pregnancy because you’ve found that your daughter is sleeping with her boyfriend, or you fear he’s violent or controlling. That doesn’t look like the case for our letter writer, but some of you may be facing a more dire situation. Here are some thoughts in that case:

Do Not Let Your Daughter Sleep with Her Boyfriend in Your House

If your daughter is going to sleep with her boyfriend, she’s going to do it somewhere. Either your house, his house, a friend’s house, or the car. Those really are the only options.

You can make sure she doesn’t do it at your house by not letting them in the house alone, and by never letting them be in a room with the door completely closed.

If he still lives with his parents, you can talk to those parents and ask that they not leave the two of them alone, though you have no guarantee that the parents will follow this advice.

If the car is an issue, you can stop letting her borrow your car.

Here’s a more detailed post on this issue:

What to do if you discover your daughter is having sex

Give Her a Taste of Reality

The quickest way to end a fantasy is with a little dose of reality. If your daughter is completely rebelling, and is involved with someone that you know is bad for her, and is openly sleeping with him or doing drugs/alcohol, etc., then sometimes the best thing to do is to issue a bit of tough love. Tell her that she cannot do these things while living in your house, and tell her that if she is going to make these choices, then she will have to support herself.

Will this be hard? Absolutely, and this is really only for the worst case scenarios. But sometimes a person needs to go through a year or two of horror to come back and realize that’s not the way she wants to live her life.

Maybe it’s not to that level, though. Let’s say your daughter is involved with a slightly older guy that has kids with another woman, and he has to pay child support. Have her make up a budget. Have her figure out how much money will actually be left over if her boyfriend pays the full child support. Have her talk to one of your friends who is always in court battling her ex about money or access (you likely have at least one friend that does this; I have several!). Let her see how hard life will be.

If Necessary, Call the Police

If you suspect your daughter is being physically or sexually abused, call the police. Will it make her mad? You betcha. But it’s difficult for the authorites to prosecute unless they have a paper trail showing a pattern. And it could be that this guy has already been charged with domestic violence with other women. Violence is violence; don’t keep it in the family.

Remember that She is in God’s Hands

Finally, and this is the hardest part, remember that she is in God’s hands. You’ve done all you can; you’ve raised her for eighteen years or so, and you’ve instilled all the values in her that you can. Now it’s time for her to make her own decisions–even if you don’t like those decisions.

So pray hard, and lean on God, and learn to trust Him. He really does love your child, and He will protect her wherever she goes. Sometimes it takes a few years in the wilderness for her to figure out what she wants. Those are going to be tough years for you. But God can carry her, and He can carry you, too.

Now’s the time to learn to trust. It’s not an easy lesson, but it’s an important one. And He will be enough for you.

Now I’d love to hear from you: has your child ever dated someone you didn’t approve of? How did you handle it? Or if you ever dated someone your parents didn’t like, what made you eventually see the light? Let me know in the comments!

 

 

The post Reader Question: I Hate My Daughter’s Boyfriend! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Related posts:
Reader Question: I Want to Stop Sleeping with My Boyfriend, But What if He Won’t Marry Me?
Reader Question: When Should You Allow Your Teenager to Date?
Reader Question: Help! I Caught My Son Watching Porn