Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 195

December 12, 2014

Go to Your Room! Why Kids Should Hang Out in the Living Room Instead

For my column today I thought I’d rerun a Christmas column from a few years ago where I talked about computers in kids’ rooms. It goes along well with our discussion yesterday about protecting kids with all the new gadgets at Christmas!

Computers in Kids Rooms

Disciplining children is a minefield for parents today. You’re not supposed to spank. You’re not supposed to yell. So when a 13-year-old child is tormenting his 9-year-old brother, parents utter the greatest threat that’s still acceptable: “Go to your room!”


Yeah, that’ll teach him.

Here’s a kid who obviously does not want to be with the family, and, in punishment, you send him to a place where, according to the Canadian Teachers’ Federation, 50% have their own television, and another 25% have a computer. “Go to your room!” is no longer sentencing a child to hours of boredom; it’s sending a child to a place where they have access to the outside world, with no parental interference, and often no parental guidance.


Traditionally, the living room was for living; the bedroom was for sleeping. Being banished to the bedroom was harsh indeed. Today, many children prefer to cocoon in their rooms, which they’re trying to turn into entertainment central. It’s not unusual for most kids’ Christmas lists to have “electronics” highlighted right at the top. The Santa in you may be tempted to oblige. The Scrooge in me is asking you to reconsider.


After all, what happens when kids have a television in their bedroom? According to a University of Haifa study, middle schoolers with TVs in their room sleep thirty minutes less a night, on average, than children without a television. The Canadian Pediatric Society calls televisions in bedrooms one of the biggest factors in childhood obesity. These children also score lower on reading and math tests. And perhaps most importantly, they’re twice as likely to start smoking and get involved in other delinquent activities, even controlling for all other factors.


While the health and educational detriments of television are important, it’s that last one that concerns me most.


When kids have televisions and computers in their room, they are more likely to make lifestyle and moral choices that parents don’t approve of because their lives have now become more and more independent.

Kids with TVs in their rooms live in their rooms, not in the kitchen or the family room, where they can hang out with their parents. And perhaps just as importantly, they tend to live solitary lives, not lives with their siblings. If you’ve ever wondered why kids squabble so much, perhaps it’s because they aren’t forced to play together or cure boredom together. Instead, they just retreat to their rooms to be entertained on their own.


I really can’t think of anything much more destructive in a family than encouraging your child to cocoon. Kids need input from parents. They need conversation. They need meal times. They need to have fun! But we’re letting them grow up by themselves, in their wonderfully decorated rooms with every little gadget. It’s wrong.


If your lives consist mostly of gathering the children for the practical functions of life, like putting food on their plates or collecting homework or ascertaining everybody’s schedules, and then you separate during your leisure times, I doubt real conversation or sharing will happen.


If your children hang out in their own rooms, rather than in the family room with siblings, I doubt great friendships will develop.

Before you shop this Christmas, then, ask yourself: what values do you want your children to have? Do electronics in their bedrooms contribute to your vision? Probably not. So maybe the Santa in you should invest in board games for the whole family or comfortable furniture for the living room, rather than for bedrooms. Your kids may think you’ve turned into Scrooge, but they’ll be better people for it.


If your kids have gadgets, computers, or phones in their room, make sure you’ve taken steps to protect them online!



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Published on December 12, 2014 05:28

December 11, 2014

Kids, Gadgets, and Christmas: Protect Your Kids Online

Protect Your Kids Online: If you're buying gadgets this Christmas, don't let those gadgets become traps. Help keep them fun--and safe!
Have you done all your Christmas shopping yet?

Personally, I don’t usually start until panic sets in, likely around the 18th, but I have at least thought about what I’m getting everybody. We don’t tend to do Christmas big; I focus on 3 Gifts (something they need, something they want, and something to nurture their spiritual side). And that’s it.


But with teenagers in the house, often the “gift they want” is some sort of electronic device. And that can be a real treat and a real benefit to them, especially if they’re students.


But it can also be a danger, and so this time of year is a great time to reevaluate internet safety at your home. If you’re going to bring new devices into your house on Dec. 25, that means that you’re going to bring EVERYTHING that’s on the internet potentially into your home, unless you take some steps to stop that.


I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but because I write a marriage blog I get tons of emails everyday. And I would say that half of all the emails I get from women (and men) in troubled marriages revolve around porn. And often the root of that story isn’t “he started watching porn when we got married”–it’s “he started looking at porn when he was 11″, or “she started reading erotica online when she was 14.” Kids often start younger than we even think–younger than we think that they are even interested in it. And then they can easily get sucked in to something that will affect their sexuality, their spiritual life, their social life, and even their future marriage.


I am not against devices in the house. I love computers and I love spending time online.


But you simply have to be realistic about how to protect your kids online.

It’s the best gift that we can give our kids, and our future sons and daughters-in-law: to raise children who were not exposed to that much porn/erotica as early teens and teens.


And this is not just a boy problem. Girls watch porn, too! In fact, most estimates are that 30% of people who access porn sites are female. We often get scared for our boys, but our girls are in danger to temptation, too.


So here are four ideas to keep your family safe–even with all the new gadgets!


Keep Devices in a Central Place at Night

When do kids tend to access porn? At night, when they’re lying in bed on their own and they have complete privacy. So a simple solution is to make it normal to charge all devices in a central place every night. Bonus #1: your kids actually sleep rather than checking Facebook all night. Bonus #2: your phones actually get charged (I always forget to charge mine).


So get a central charging dock that can handle multiple devices, like this:


Great Useful Stuff Rustic Modern Collection: Ultra Charging Station Multi-device Charging Station and Dock for Iphone 5, 6, 6 Plus, 4s, Ipad Mini, Ipad Air, Ipad 4, Samsung Galaxy S3 S4, Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 3, Macbook Air, Smartphones & Tablets


Turn the WiFi off at night–or change the password

Another option? The wifi goes off at 11 every night. That stops kids from staying up too late, and it stops the temptation to browse questionable sites. I’ve also known parents who change the wifi password every week, and kids can’t get it until they do their chores (or their homework!)


Get an Accountability Program

Finally, I think it’s so important to get some sort of internet accountability program for your family, so that the temptation is removed. And I’m a big fan of Covenant Eyes. Here’s how it works:


You sign up for a family plan, and can get it installed on your computers, phones, tablets, and iPods. Covenant Eyes gives all websites a rating, from A-okay to Mature to Pornographic. And you can register each user as to what level they’re allowed to access (adults could access mature but not pornographic; 11-year-olds can’t access Mature either). Then, if that family member ever tries to access a site that’s out of their rating, an accountability partner of your choice will receive an email.


You can also have the option to block those sites altogether.


I think part of being a good parent is protecting your kids from the filth that is out there. So I’d encourage you–if you’re buying devices for Christmas, or if your family already has lots of devices, get some internet protection, too.



And the great thing is that Covenant Eyes is giving a discount JUST for people who click using my link where you’ll get two months of internet safety free!

It’s just $13.99, and that gives you a Family Account on multiple devices–really all that you own. There are no limits. You can assign everybody their unique user name, and add filtering to each account (or to only a select few) for free. You can set what kind of sites your kids can visit (a 5-year-old should be far more restricted than a 16-year-old, for instance). You can even block internet access at certain times of day (which is much easier than turning off the wifi altogether!).


You’ll get the discount automatically when you sign up through my link, but if for some reason it doesn’t appear, just use the code “TLHV” at the checkout (for To Love, Honor and Vacuum!)


This offer is only good until December 31, 2014. After that, you’ll still get one month free–but not two!


Get it here.


Don’t let those Christmas gifts become the vehicle through which your child starts accessing questionable stuff early–and forms a habit which is so hard to break.


It’s not “bad” kids who start to do this. It’s MOST kids, even good kids.

It’s those kids who are solid Christians, who just get lonely, and who are curious. It’s those strong Christian kids who end up marrying other strong Christian kids, but they bring all this sexual garbage into their marriage which messes up their libidos and their expectations and their ability to experience real intimacy. The emails I receive aren’t just from women who are married to BAD guys; most of them are women married to good, Christian guys who never dreamed these upstanding guys struggled with this, because they’re the last people you’d think had this issue. And it started when they were young teens. It often started at Christmas.


Please, talk to your husband about this and consider adding Covenant Eyes to those gadgets and phones you have or the ones you’re buying. It really is part of being a responsible parent today!


Learn more about Covenant Eyes here.

Now, maybe you’re thinking: but that’s just “window dressing”. We should be looking at the heart issues that bring up the temptation in the first place. If you simply take away the temptation, that doesn’t change the heart.


And I understand. But I don’t buy it. These are KIDS. They aren’t wise enough to understand what’s dangerous to them, and they’re naturally curious. It’s very hard to withstand that curiosity. And once they get sucked in, it gets much worse. If you can prevent that from happening in the first place, you do your kids a tremendous favor.


Look, back when I was a kid, if you wanted to see porn you had to find a friend’s father’s stash of Playboys in the garden shed. Or if you were older, you had to get in your car, drive to the corner store, reach for that paper-bag-covered magazine, take it to the cashier, pull out your wallet, pay for it, and drive home with it. Those are a lot of steps–and a lot of chances for your conscience to work and for the Holy Spirit to convince you to turn around and run. Now it’s available with one click. It’s too easy. And so we need to fight smarter.


Get Educated on Teens and Porn

Widespread internet access at home is only about 15 years old. In 2000, 43% of homes had access to the internet (and much of that was dialup). Today it’s 81%. That means that unless you’re in your late 20s, most parents today did NOT grow up with internet in the home when they were teens. But to our kids this is normal. We are the dividing generation. Every generation after this will have gone through it and will understand, and our kids will probably be more careful with their kids. But we didn’t grow up with it, and so we don’t understand. We can’t in the same way.


So we need to get educated.


Here are a few ebooks and resources from Covenant Eyes that you may find helpful. All are free and can be downloaded immediately:



When Your Child is Looking at Porn (what to do when you “catch” your child or teen accessing porn)
Your Brain on Porn (how porn actually affects the brain)
Parenting the Internet Generation
A Parent’s Guide to Cyberbullying

And more! Download these ebooks here.


And here’s a quick infographic on teens and porn use:


 


How Pornography Addiction Affects the Teenage Brain – Infographic Learn How Pornography Addiction Affects the Teenage Brain – Infographic


This Christmas, be a vigilant parent and protect your kids online. We need to live in the real world; I don’t believe in getting rid of technology. But I do believe in being safe. And so I wish you all a very safe Christmas!
This post contains affiliate links.

 


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Published on December 11, 2014 05:48

December 10, 2014

Wifey Wednesday: What Do I Do with a Workaholic Husband?

When your husband is a workaholic: how to communicate your needs for him in your #marriage!
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then give you a chance to link up your own post in the linky below. And today we’re going to deal with this problem: what do you do with a workaholic husband?

A reader recently wrote me this letter:


My husband’s work hours are way out of control. He owns his own business and regularly works 75-90 hours a week. We have been married almost 30 years and our kids are almost out of the nest.


His obsession with work overrides his common sense. The kids and I staged an intervention (literally) where we said that they would not ride in his car with him if he continued to text and check emails while driving (that has improved a bit since then).


He thinks I don’t appreciate his hard work. I do, but it has left me to be virtually a single parent, and in fact, an angry, disconnected wife. I try to open discussions with “I/we want to have you at home more. I miss time with you”, but it immediately goes to accusations that I don’t understand his work, his stress, the economy etc.


I am tired of pat Christian answers about making my home a sanctuary for him and understanding that work is what God created him to do. I am angry when I hear other Godly men ask with a laugh, “Still working those crazy hours?” instead of calling him on his out of balance life. I have considered talking to an elder couple that we are close to in order to have someone else discuss this with him.


My husband is a good man and I know, in my head if not my heart, that he loves me and his kids, but even as I write this, a voice in my head whispers, “but not enough to cut back his work hours”.


My heart breaks for this woman. She IS married to a workaholic husband, and it’s making her feel so unloved. So what does one do in this situation? Here are some general thoughts about workaholism and marriage.


Is He a Workaholic or Does He Just Work Hard?

My husband is a physician, and when he was in training he was often at work for 100-120 hours a week, being 36 hours on and 12 hours off. It was horrible. When he had his own practice he was still on call frequently, and his work weeks were still long. I never considered him a workaholic, though, because he loved being home–and when he had to dictate charts or bring work home he was always really grumpy about it. He wanted to be away from work; the job just didn’t always allow it.


What good would it have been for me to be angry at him for that? He was already upset that he wasn’t home more; me adding to that would not have helped. Working hard and working long hours does not necessarily mean he’s a workaholic.


A workaholic husband, on the other hand, is someone who routinely chooses to engage in work rather than engage in family time even when the job does not necessarily demand it. If he’s a pastor and he’s forever visiting people and counselling people after hours and going to meetings and he’s never with his family, then he’s likely a workaholic. If he’s a business owner (like our letter writer’s husband) and he can never put the job down, then he’s likely a workaholic.


Certain jobs are more prone to workaholism: the “caring” professions, especially ministry ones, where you can always justify working harder because “people need me”, and entrepreneurs, who feel as if everything rests on their shoulders. There are others as well, but those are the two categories that seem to be especially prone to it.


If He Simply Works Hard
Can He Switch Jobs?

Can you make a long-term plan for him to get more training so that he can qualify for something different that pays well? Can you create a 5-year plan together that gets him into something more manageable–so that your family life is better?


Can You Change Your Work?

One reason that my husband’s job was never too much of a burden to us was because I didn’t work outside the home. Because I was there to take care of the day-to-day things, then when he was home we could relax as a family. If I had been working 40 hours a week too I don’t know how we would have done it. When he got home instead of playing a game or talking we’d have to clean something or tend to errands.


Is there a way that you can reduce your hours or change your work so that the family becomes more manageable–even with his hours?


Can You Carve Out Family Time?

I have two dear friends who are both family physicians in a small town. The wife works part-time; the husband has always worked more than full-time because that’s the nature of the job. While he’s around most nights, he honestly is gone a lot of the time. But what they have done is carved out several weeks of vacation a year where they get out of town completely, so no one can page him. And they love their vacation time! They’ve taken their girls on missions trips, on backpacking adventures, and all kinds of places so that they create memories.


If your husband puts in a ton of hours at work, perhaps he can negotiate more vacation time where he’s out of the office and away from his phone.


I have another friend who is a project manager for huge corporate projects. He goes to work in one place for 2-3 years, managing some new huge launch, and then he’ll move to another corporation. So everywhere he goes it’s always at a stressful, busy time. He misses Thanksgiving sometimes. He misses weekends sometimes. But one thing he never misses is his kids’ quiz meets (his kids do Bible quizzing with my daughter). He coaches and he’s made that his priority. So even though he misses some traditional family things, he is always there for one particular thing that has become his priority–his barometer of whether he’s involved enough or not. And that works really well for them. Can your husband find one thing that he is always there for–coaching soccer, working with the youth group, attending a small group with you? And that is always your priority?


For years my husband and I spent Wednesday nights ballroom dancing. He never, ever took call on Wednesday nights, no matter what. That was our time. So, yes, I couldn’t always count on him for birthdays or for weekends, but I knew that he would always be there for me for Wednesday nights.


If Your Husband is a Workaholic
Can You Plan Your Goals Together?

Men Are Like Waffles--Women Are Like Spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your DifferencesIf the issue is not one of time but honestly one of priority, then it’s a much bigger problem. Like Bill and Pam Farrel say, men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti. Men live their lives in little boxes: when they’re in one box (like work) it’s hard for them to think about another box. And often that work box gets really big.


One way to force them out of it is to talk to them about goals. Workaholics are often quite good at setting goals because they do it in the work setting all the time. So what about asking him to set goals for your family and your marriage? I’ve got some printable, downloadable worksheets right here that you can use to dream together and vision together.


If you start asking, “what do we want our family to look like?”, and then “what are the action steps we need to take to get them there?” that can help him see that he has action steps that need to be taken at home, too.


Developing a Vision for Your Family


Can You Find the Root of Workaholism?

Is workaholism about money? Or is it about self-worth? Or is it about a lack of trust in God?


I have a friend named Mark who has a construction company. He has always prioritized his family. He works long hours, but he’s home on weekends, and they do vacations together. When the downturn came in 2008, he didn’t lose his business, though many in his town did. And he says he just trusted God. He worked a little harder to drum up business, but he didn’t panic, because he knew God would take care of them.


Sometimes people become workaholics because they’re essentially scared that God won’t take care of them, so they have to do it all themselves. In that case it’s a trust in God issue.


Sometimes he’s grown up to believe that his worth is from his work, and so he puts all of his emphasis there.


And sometimes he just wants more money, thinking that it will buy security.


Figuring out what the spiritual root is can help you tackle the problem. And sometimes you will have to talk about this with a counselor or a third party. In extreme cases, you will have to say, “I can’t live in the marriage like this anymore and we need to get help.”


Other times just using logic can help. How much money is enough for your retirement? If you go at this trajectory, will you manage? Does the business need to expand? Do you need to work that many hours? If they can see it in black and white that their financial goals are already met, that can help them scale back.



If the issue is that he’s in a caring profession, and the demands are never ending, then I’d read this post which addresses specifically that.


Be Honest with Your Own Role

I am not saying this is the case with my reader at all, but I have had many men comment on this blog about how desperately lonely they are in their marriages, and how they have turned to their work instead so that they can cope with the loneliness. The babies came, and their wives threw themselves into the kids, virtually stopped having sex, and were critical and demanding. And the men felt unloved.


So they threw themselves into work, and for a few years everyone was happy. He could cope because his needs were met at work; she could focus on her kids unimpeded. Then the kids started to grow, and she began to miss him, but he wasn’t here anymore.


Ask yourself if you have done anything to contribute to his workaholism (and this is not always the case). Then ask him. And if you have, repent, apologize, ask forgiveness, and try to start fresh. Here’s a good post on asking for forgiveness.


Confront Him About His Workaholism

Like my reader, I have heard the advice, “just make your home a sanctuary he wants to come home to!”, and there is some truth to that. But I think that truth is more relevant if your husband works hard, not if he’s a workaholic. If he simply works hard, he needs that sanctuary. If he’s a workaholic, the problem is usually a spiritual one, and no matter what you do it won’t get better. In fact, you could end up enabling him to grow further away from God and further away from his family if you do nothing.


Boundaries in MarriageInstead, I’d advise my reader to bring in that older couple she was referencing. Perhaps talking to a counselor would help. Read the book Boundaries in Marriage. But do not just let it be. That makes you an enabler, not a spouse.


Our reader and her kids did a good thing confronting him about texting. That was a great first step. But take the next step, too.


Make Your Own Life

My friend Leanne had a workaholic husband. She tried for years to change it and finally realized she couldn’t. So she stopped waiting around for him. She began taking the kids on vacation by herself. She took them to the beach in the summer rather than trying to plan around his schedule–and then being disappointed again. She started taking painting classes herself and hired a baby-sitter for the kids. She stopped putting her life on hold and started living it.


An interesting thing happened. His workaholism stopped bothering her quite as much because she had other areas of joy in her life. And because of that, he started wanting to be home more. He realized he was missing a lot of fun, and he made more of an effort to be there for those beach trips.


Their marriage is still not perfect, but she’s finding it easier to cope with it.


WifeyWednesday175 So those are my thoughts on workaholism–and now I’d love to know yours! How do you deal with a husband who works a ton? Let me know in the comments!

And now it’s your turn to leave your own link for Wifey Wednesday! Just put the URL of your marriage post below, and be sure to link back here so other people can read the great marriage advice!








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Published on December 10, 2014 05:55

December 9, 2014

Top 10 Ways to Be a Merry Mom this Christmas

Top 10 Ways to Be a Merry Mom This Christmas

Please welcome our guest author, Lindsey Bell, who is posting with us as part of her December Blog Tour.  Today she is sharing great tips for how to be a merry mom this Christmas–words to live by every day, really .  And be sure and enter her mega- giveaway–details are at the end of this post!

Christmas is my favorite holiday, but it also has the potential to be VERY stressful. With parties to attend, goodies to bake, programs to prepare for, gifts to purchase, and cards to send, Christmas can sometimes be far from joyful.


We might say “Merry Christmas” to the checker at the grocery store, but many of us don’t always feel merry. Here are a few tips that might help!


How to Be a Merry Mom:

1. Simplify.


Most of us are on the go WAY too much. I read a book recently called Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford, and she said something in the book that stuck with me.


What she said was this: “My child cannot kiss a moving target” (23).


Our kids can’t kiss us or hug us or cuddle with us if they can’t catch us. If we’re always on the go, when will our kids have the opportunity to just BE with us?

As much as we’d love to attend every Christmas event, there are times when it’s wiser to stay at home and be with our families.


Simplifying begins by prioritizing. Decide which events you most want to attend, and then allow the rest of fall off your calendar.


2. Begin your day well.


About six months ago, I attended The Better Together Conference put on by The MOM Initiative. At that conference, one of the speakers challenged each of us to begin our days with our faces on the ground in prayer.


I’ve been doing that since then, and my days have drastically changed.


I think the reason they have changed so much is because God is filling me up early.


Before, when my children challenged me, it was me that spilled over (me, plus a little bit of impatience, frustration, and irritability). Now, when my kids push my buttons, it’s God that spills out of me.


Because I take time each morning to have Him fill me with His presence, it’s His Spirit that seeps out of me throughout the day.

3. Work on your marriage.


When our marriages are strong, we are happier people.


As much as we’d like to believe living in an unhealthy marriage doesn’t affect our moods, that’s not reality. Happy marriages make happy people; unhappy marriages make unhappy people.


Take time this week to work on your marriage. Buy a marriage book to read together. Have a date night. Have sex with your spouse. Pray together.  


4. Count your blessings.


Many of us mistakenly assume we have to feel thankful to voice thanksgiving.


We don’t.


Instead, it’s often the voicing of thanks that creates the feelings of thanksgiving.


In other words, if you take time to count your blessings, you will grow more thankful. You’ll begin noticing more blessings in your life. Your focus will gradually shift off the hard things in your life to the blessings instead.


5. Take care of yourself.


A happy mom is a mom who takes care of herself. Sure, there are seasons in our lives when we can’t get a full night’s sleep. There are seasons we can exercise every day.


But do your best to take care of you. Eat well. Exercise regularly. Rest as much as your little ones will allow.


6. Get away from time to time.


Nothing makes you adore your little ones more than being away from them occasionally, so if you’re able, go on vacation with your spouse, go on regularly dates, take time to yourself, and don’t feel bad about doing it.


7. Stop comparing your life to the lives of others.


Steven Furtick once said, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”

Stop comparing your life to the lives of those around you. Sure, their life might look great on Facebook or Pinterest. But you’re not in their home everyday.


The key to happiness is to stop looking outside your surroundings to find it.


8. Laugh and smile more.


Laughter is good for the body, mind, and soul, so choose to laugh more. Instead of getting angry when everything goes wrong of a morning, choose to laugh instead.


When your holiday plans don’t turn out as you expected, choose to smile and laugh instead of blow up in anger.


9. Do something you love.


Writing has always been something I loved. When my son was first born, though, I thought I needed to put my writing aside until my kids were grown.


I’m so thankful my husband told me to write then instead of waiting until later.


When moms use their gifts, talents, and abilities, they’re happier women…And when we’re happier women, we’re happier moms.


Granted, there are certainly seasons when I can’t write as much. But that doesn’t mean I can’t do it at all.


10. Be present.


It’s tempting—especially on the hard days—to escape with my phone…to log into Facebook or Pinterest and only be half-there with my children.


What happens when I do this is that I stop enjoying my kids.


It’s only when I’m fully present that I fully enjoy my life. My guess is, I’m not the only one.

So if you want to be a merry mom this Christmas, choose to be with the ones you’re with.


What other tips would you add to this list?

 


This post is part of Lindsey Bell’s December blog tour. To enter to win Lindsey’s MEGA-GIVEAWAY (the winner will receive 6 books!), leave a comment on any of Lindsey’s guest posts this month (including this one).


Enter to win


For a full list of participating blogs (and ways to enter!) visit this post on Lindsey’s blog.


About Lindsey Bell:


Lindsey BellLindsey Bell is the author of Searching for Sanity: 52 Insights from the Parents of the Bible. She’s also a stay-at-home mother of two, minister’s wife, avid reader, and chocolate lover. You can find Lindsey online at any of the following locations:


Her blog: www.lindsey-bell.com


Her website: www.lindseymbell.com


Twitter: www.twitter.com/LindseyMBell


Facebook: www.facebook.com/AuthorLindseyBell


Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/LindseyMBell01


 




Searching for SanityAbout Searching for Sanity:


Have you ever looked at your beloved children and wondered, what in the world am I doing? Why did God trust me—of all people—to raise them?


Motherhood is the most difficult job many of us will ever take. Searching for Sanity offers moms an opportunity to take a breath, dig into the Word, and learn from parents of the past. In short devotions designed for busy moms, this book uses the parents of the Bible—both the good and the bad—to inspire today’s mothers.


You can pick up a copy today at Amazon or Barnes and Noble.



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Published on December 09, 2014 04:00

December 8, 2014

Reader Question: Should You Wait Until You Finish College for a Relationship?

Reader Question of the Week Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today’s comes from a college-aged friend of my oldest daughter Rebecca. Should you wait until you finish college to have a relationship–or to marry?

This is a question that’s rather emotional to me, because both Rebecca and myself dated men who felt this way–and eventually ended it. Both of us were just starting relationships when we were around 18-19, and those men, who genuinely liked if not loved us, decided that they didn’t want to pursue a relationship because school was more important.


In retrospect, we’re both glad, even though it hurt horribly at the time, because I got my amazing husband and Rebecca is now in a serious relationship. But that man that I would have married in a heartbeat has now been divorced at least once, and the man Rebecca would likely have married is now alone.


I am not saying that we are the ones who caused these men’s heartache–as if, had they chosen us instead, they’d be happy now. I actually think that this idea they both had that school came first was the main cause of their current predicament–not that they lost us in particular. So let me share my reader’s question, and then I’ll look at it from several angles: the young woman; the young man; and the parents of that young man.


I have been close friends with a wonderful Christian guy for quite a while, and lately we’ve been getting a lot closer. It was obvious that he liked me and I liked him, and we seemed genuinely perfect for each other. Then out of the blue he told me that he needed to end it because school came first. What do I do?


I’m going to answer that by talking mostly to the guy in this scenario, so here goes:


Should you wait until college is over to pursue a relationship? Some thoughts on why that can backfire.
Priorities Follow You–if you prioritize work above all early, you will prioritize it later too

Rebecca and I were chatting about this question yesterday, and she said an insightful thing: “in marriage you have to deal with personality differences and family of origin differences and differences in expectations, but these can all be overcome if you share one important thing: you both feel the relationship comes first.” And she’s right. If the relationship comes first, you will work through these other things.


But here’s what happens to many people when they approach school: They think, I have made certain goals for my life academically and career-wise. And I can’t afford to have anything distracting me from my goals.


There’s a problem with that line of thinking, and it goes like this: If you decide that the main focus for your life will be your career, then the main focus of your life WILL BE YOUR CAREER. It will not automatically change once you graduate. Essentially you’re saying: I need to concentrate on my real life now, and when I am ready I will add a wife and children (or a husband and children, if the roles are reversed). And that’s the problem: you’re ADDING the wife to your life; she is not the central focus of it. You have compartmentalized your life, and you likely will continue to do so.


Besides, is there really biblical basis for this kind of an attitude? In 1 Corinthians 7:32-34 Paul writes this:


I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided.


When you are married, the concerns of your spouse CAN and SHOULD come first; when you are single, the concerns of God come first. Those who feel called to full-time ministry as a single person are absolutely free to pursue it. But those who eventually do want to be married need to realize that when thy are married the concerns of their spouse will come first. If you live your life too compartmentalized now, it will be very difficult to all of a sudden do a 180 and then start thinking of your wife, and here’s why:


Life Does Not Get Any Easier After College is Over

This essentially is the biggest misconception people make about relationships and college. They’re so focused on reaching their goal–whether it’s becoming a doctor or getting that Ph.D. or whatever–that they think that once this is over I can start to live my real life.


But let me tell you: I have been married to a physician all during his training (including medical school and residency), and I have done postgraduate work myself. And while there is a unique kind of stress to school, there is stress at every stage of life. Every single stage. And it doesn’t get easier.


If you train yourself that your way of handling stress is to be alone and buckle down and get it done, then that is also the way you will handle stress when you are married. If you think you have no time for a relationship now, you will have no time for a relationship later, either–even if you do marry. Everything in life is about priorities. And deciding that a relationship is a lower priority now is also toxic to a marriage later. Those who prioritize school now are far more likely to become workaholics and have distant marriages later. Which leads me to this thought:


Don’t Underestimate the Asset that a Relationship Can Be During College

I grew up without my dad. I endured my mother and my step-father splitting up at a very vulnerable age for me (14). My son died.


But with all that, I can tell you that the thing that took the worst toll on me is the fact that my now-husband initially broke off our engagement. For three months I was alone, thinking that relationship wouldn’t work, until he came back and we started again.


Why do I share that? Because as terrible as the death of my son was, I could deal with it because I was in a good marriage. Being married strengthened me; being alone shattered me. I learned a lot from that period of my life; it was a spiritual turning point, and God used it for good. But looking back, I also know that one reason God gave us a marriage partner is so that we don’t have to take the storms of life alone. Having someone to walk through the hard times with you is a tremendous boon.


I was married during some of Keith’s hard struggles with school. Medical school was awful for him; he’s an outgoing, energetic, kind person, and having to do extreme bookwork for two years with professors constantly talking down to you was debilitating. He almost quit, and he often says that he would have had it not been for me encouraging him and telling him that being a doctor would be completely different from being a medical student. If he could just get through this, he could get through anything.


And sex didn’t hurt either.


Seriously, sex is a great stress reliever.


So here’s the thing as a student: you’re going to go through stress anyway. It’s going to be a lot of work. So you can choose to go through it alone, or you can say, “if God brings me someone, I’ll really consider it.”


There is a degree of pride in saying “I can do it on my own better.” God made us for relationship.


God’s Agenda is Not Always Our Agenda

I’m a goal-oriented person, and so I can understand being so focused on an academic goal that you decide that relationships have to wait. But I don’t think this is a wise spiritual decision.


You may have the best plan in the world–but that’s all it is. It is a plan of your own making. Do not EVER become so wedded to your own plans that you miss out on what God has for you. Keep open to the Spirit. Keep open to new things. Keep open to changing your plans. If your plans become your life, then you are cutting God out and you are standing in His place, and that’s pride. It may seem like it’s selfless–I don’t want to get into a relationship with someone when I know how much I will have to work to get through this degree, and so I’m sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of the person I may end up hurting–but it’s really pursuing your own goals no matter what.


For some people that may be what God has for them. But in my own life, every time I have thought I had a really great plan God has changed it. The people that I see who are miserable today or not living up to their potential tend to be people who have pursued their own plans. Be careful.


A Quality, God-Fearing Spouse is Not Easy to Find

Why do those two men regret me and Rebecca? Because they let us go, thinking that in their own timing they would be able to find someone like us. They felt this was an act of faith–believing that God would bring someone else when they had made themselves ready. And now they’re both lonely. (By the way, I don’t find any particular satisfaction in that; when I was 20 I would have. Today I’m just so grateful my life turned out as it did).


God does not work on our timetable. And if you find someone that you respect and admire and get along with easily and laugh together who also loves God–do not give that up lightly.


Break Up Because the Relationship Won’t Work, Not Because the Timing Won’t Work

If you end something, it should be because God has shown you the person won’t work. Timing isn’t a deal-breaker; it’s an obstacle, that’s all. Jacob had to work fourteen years for Rachel in the Old Testament story, but he didn’t abandon her just because of timing. “A wife of noble character is hard to find”–as is a husband of noble character. Don’t shut a door that you don’t know will open again. That may feel like an act of faith, but from what I’ve seen, it’s more likely that you’re substituting your own plans for God’s plans.


But What About Money to Support a Spouse?

After all, if you marry, shouldn’t you be able to support someone? Isn’t that a legitimate reason to wait?


It may be a legitimate reason to wait to marry; but I don’t think it’s a legitimate reason to wait to have a relationship.


First, if you’re living off of student loans and part-time jobs to put yourself through school, chances are it’s cheaper to be married and live in one household anyway, so money shouldn’t really be a factor in that case. When Keith and I married we saved money, and because we were married we also qualified for more government assistance because they stopped taking our parents’ income into account.


But what if you’re going through school on your parents’ dime? Here’s where parents need to enter the conversation. With our daughters, we are paying a certain percentage of their undergraduate costs (once you’re in grad school you can earn your own way). We have always decided to do that, and it doesn’t change if they marry. So they don’t get cut off from support for school just because they marry.


Last Words to the Young Woman:

To the woman who asked this question, you need to move on and run far away from this guy. If he can’t prioritize you now, he would not be able to prioritize you if you ever married, either. Run close to God, and God will fill the gaping hole you’re feeling right now. And God will bring someone into your life who WILL prioritize you–don’t ever settle for less.


Last Words to the Young Man:

I do understand how important school is. I understand the urge not to pursue a relationship because everything is so up in the air, and you don’t feel you have the time to dedicate to a relationship right now. If no young woman presents herself, then this may honestly be okay. But be careful of ending a potential relationship with a great young woman over timing, because the timing will never get better. And ask yourself this: in twenty years, what do I want most? A great career, or a great marriage and family? If the answer is “a great career”, then you likely should remain single always. That isn’t fair to a spouse. And if the answer is “a great marriage and family”, then that doesn’t happen automatically.


You can’t wall yourself off from people now and expect to be able to prioritize them later. Tread carefully; listen to God’s voice; and keep your eyes open.


Last Words to the Parents:

We live in an age where we value status and career almost over everything else. This is a mistake. The most important aspect of your child’s life will be the legacy he or she leaves behind. For some of us, that will be about career, but for most of us, it’s about family. And family often speaks more to character than anything else. Don’t push your child away from relationships in college, because that’s giving the wrong message about what’s really important in life.


And now, let me know: what do you think? Can and should college and relationships be combined? Leave me a comment and tell me your experiences!





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Published on December 08, 2014 05:48

December 5, 2014

My 3 Gifts of Christmas

Yesterday, I mentioned my 3 Gifts of Christmas, so I thought I would re-run it, in case you missed it previously. This column is a special one to me. For the last few years I’ve mentioned our method of gift giving, and inevitably people come up to me on the street, months later, telling me how much they appreciated it. Perhaps it will be something that will bless you, as well!

My Three Gifts of ChristmasApparently I buy really lousy Christmas presents. I had always mildly suspected my shortcomings, but recently economist Joel Waldfogel confirmed them. In his book Scroogenomics, he showed rather indisputably that if you ask Christmas gift recipients to assign a value to the gifts they receive, they inevitably quote a number less than the actual cost, leading to a waste of $963 million a year in Canada. And the gifts that are valued the least? Those from aunts, uncles, and grandparents, who apparently only get 75 cents of perceived value for every dollar spent.


I do have trouble buying for the nieces and nephews and various other younger people in my life. I don’t always share the same interests, and being the incorrigible aunt that I am, I refuse to pander to hobbies that don’t suit me. Instead, like many millions of aunts and grandparents and in-laws all over this nation, I buy something lousy instead. My preference is always books. Unfortunately, most younger Canadians don’t share my passion, and thus they consider these types of gifts with about the same amount of affection that I consider most X-box games. And thus we reach the gift-giving impasse.


One of my nephews announced rather brazenly that this year he’d rather just have cash. Doling out money, though, seems so crass. If gift giving is going to degenerate into passing along cash and gift cards, then Christmas becomes a season of greed, rather than a time to express our love.


Nevertheless, Waldfogel’s news isn’t all bad. We actually do quite well on certain gifts. The closer we are to people, the better the gift giving becomes. Siblings value gifts at about 99% of their value, and spouses do even better, at about $1.02. I’m pretty sure my children tend to like their gifts from me, as well.


Even if I buy my girls good gifts, though, is that really the point of the season? According to most of the seasonal flyers that pass through our mail slots it certainly is. Shoppers’ Drug Mart, for instance, in their 36 page “Gifts Made Easy” flyer managed to talk about the “Top 10 Gifts They’ll Love” (though I’m sure my nieces and nephews wouldn’t like those either), and lots of things to “Rock your Holiday”, or go “Twinkle Twinkle”, while only mentioning the Christmas word three times.


If Christmas is only about gifts, then we are in trouble.

It has become a big waste, whether we’re successful gift givers or not, because all we’re doing is breeding greed. I know it’s difficult when children are young and they desperately want the latest toy, but parenting is about identifying teaching opportunities, and I think this is one of them. Life is not about accumulating stuff with as little work as possible; life needs to be about giving, about making a difference, about family, and values, and faith, and love, or life becomes very empty indeed.


That’s why several years ago we started a new gift giving tradition with my children.

We call it the “Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh” ritual, where they each get three gifts, and nothing more. The gold gift is something they want. The frankincense gift is something they need, like socks. And the myrrh gift is something to nurture their souls. It could be a journal, or a book, or a CD, or a movie. It’s something that reminds them of their purpose here on earth, or encourages them to think, to write, and to pray about what’s important. It’s always the biggest challenge to find such a thing, but it’s a challenge I’m up for, since it reminds us of the reason for the season. And I’m pretty sure, despite what the flyers might say, that reason should not be greed. Pass it on.


Need to come up with ideas for “myrrh” gifts–Christmas gifts to nurture the soul? I’ve got a whole bunch, divided by age and gender, right here!


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Published on December 05, 2014 04:00

December 4, 2014

Christmas Gifts to Nurture the Soul

We do the three gifts of Christmas--something they need, something they want, and something to nurture their spiritual side. Here are ideas for spiritual Christmas gifts for your whole family. For several years I’ve been telling you all about our Christmas gift tradition, the Three Gifts of Christmas: Something They Need, Something They Want, and Something to Nurture their Spiritual Side. It’s the gold, frankincense and myrrh gifts!

We’ve been doing this with our girls for years now, and I’ve started doing it for my husband, too. But coming up with a good idea for a “spiritual” gift is always a bit of a challenge–and, quite frankly, the most fun challenge I have at Christmas! I always want to make it meaningful.


I often get asked by people who read about my “three gifts of Christmas” idea for thoughts on what they can do for the “myrrh” gift, or the spiritual gift, and so today I thought I’d share some ideas for different ages and genders to get you started.


I’ll be doing this post a little bit differently, though. I’ll be updating it constantly until Christmas, making use of the comment section and adding good ideas when they come in! So be sure to pin it or bookmark it so you can come back and refer to it later–I may have even more ideas!


But Christmas should never be only about getting what you want. We have to also remind ourselves of the meaning behind the season, and that’s why I always try to include something that will help girls think about who they are in Christ, or will help them grow in their relationship with Him.


You don’t want to get a “bad” present, though–a present that no one will actually like. You want to get something that’s actually useful and that they will use and appreciate.


So here we go–spiritual gifts for your family, divided by age and gender!


Christmas Gifts for the Spiritual Side–young children (4-11)

In this category I’m big on books, because reading out loud to children is one of the best things we can do! I’m focusing on kids that are 4 and up here.


The Best Christmas Pageant Ever – Book $4.87


The Best Christmas Pageant EverThis is the best book ever written. Seriously. As a child, we read it out loud every Christmas Eve. The problem was that my aunt would know what was coming, and would be laughing so hard she would find it hard to keep going. When my kids were 4 or 5, we started reading it out loud on Christmas Eve with them, too (it’s a long read, but you can do it in a few hours while you’re all sitting around doing crafts or eating or something. And it’s so wonderful!) Now that my daughter has a significant other, we’ll be making him listen to the reading of it, even though he’s 20. You’re never too old for this one!


It is hilarious, it is heartwarming, and it is wonderful.


Treasures of the Snow (Patricia St John Series)Treasures of the Snow – Book $7.32


Another of my favourite novels growing up. I read it to my girls as well, and it was one of the ways they best understood the gospel at a young age. Just a beautiful story of sibling love, and the hardship of life in poverty in the mountains of Switzerland. It’s lovely.


The Chronicles of Narnia Boxed SetChronicles of Narnia Box Set – $31.49


I’ve read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe out loud to so many kids I’ve lost count. It was my go-to read aloud book when I was a camp counselor, and I used it to lead several kids to Christ. I also read it to my cousins and to my own kids several times. And when you reread the books as adults, you see so much more! To me, this is the best book series ever.


Adventure Bible, NIVThe Adventure Bible – $19.65


Want your children to learn to start doing devotions on their own? Here’s a full Bible that’s meant for kids–highlighting great stories, great verses, and containing lots of info about Bible times (as well as beautiful pictures). It’s meant for kids 9-12 (or 8 if your kids are good readers). If you have children younger than 9 years old, you can also get The Adventure Bible, early readers edition.


Apples to Apples Bible EditionApples to Apples Bible Edition – $20.57


Our family is big on board games, and often our “spiritual” gift to the kids over the years has been a Bible based game. The kids love Apples to Apples, and so this one would fit well for kids 8 and up. Sometimes games help the spiritual side the best, because they also encourage family time! And we’ve found that when we have other families over for dinner, we often end up playing games, so it’s a great way for fellowship, too.


Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband
Christmas Gifts for the Spiritual Side–preteens

For this group, I’d still recommend the Narnia series if they haven’t read it, along with The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and the Apples to Apples game. Then we’ll add these options. Again, it’s big on games because games mean FAMILY TIME, which also nurtures your spiritual side!


Cactus Games Scattergories-Bible EditionScattergories Bible Edition – $20.61


Again, games are awesome! Here’s the classic game of Scattergories, where one team is given a letter, and you have to match as many things on that category with that letter in each round. So fun!


Bible Taboo Taboo Bible Edition – $20.64


I am seriously good at Taboo, if I’m the one giving the clues. Seriously. No one can beat me. And this game is awfully fun! You have to get your teammates to say a specific word or phrase WITHOUT using any of the words on the card (so you may have to get them to say the word “manger” without being allowed to say Mary, Joseph, Jesus, Bethlehem, Shepherds, Inn for instance).


Cactus Games Outburst-Bible Edition Outburst Bible Edition – $23.59


We’ve got this one and we play it all the time. There’s a card with ten answers on it, like 10 Names of Christ or 10 Places Jesus Visited or whatever, and your team has to name as many as possible in the time allotted.


Bible Games Combo w/Free Deck of Standard Playing CardsIt’s been great with youth groups, too!


Bible Games Combo – $89.99


Includes all of the games I’ve mentioned here, plus Mad Gab Bible and a free deck of cards. This is awesome!


Specifically for Preteen Girls:

Daughter of China – Novel $7.75


Daughter of ChinaI read this book a few years ago and was so touched by it. It’s all about the persecuted church in China, but you learn about it through the eyes of one teenaged girl, who has normal hopes and dreams that don’t seem to be able to be realized. At this age kids often read the Beverly Lewis Amish series or start reading other Christian romances. If you want to get a book that’s accessible that’s also really beautiful, try this one.


Swimming Through Clouds: A Contemporary Young Adult NovelNovels by Rajdeep Paulus – Swimming Through Clouds – $9.58


Rajdeep is a good friend of mine, and she’s written two novels for teen girls that deal with friendship, grace, and finding your way in the world when you start off with a really dysfunctional family. Will help teens see their friends with new eyes, too.


NIV Backpack BibleNIV Backpack Bible – $16.09


Here’s a small Bible that lays flat that will fit in a backpack or anywhere else for kids on the go! It’s pretty and purple and girls will love it.


Specifically for Preteen Boys:

God's SmugglerGod’s Smuggler  by Brother Andrew (updated) $12.37


GIRLS CAN READ THIS TOO!!!! But it’s a great book for boys, and those are sometimes hard to find, so I’m putting it in the boys’ section. Brother Andrew was an amazing man who smuggled Bibles into communist countries throughout the 1970s an 1980s. His stories are absolutely riveting. This edition has been updated and slightly rewritten to make it more accessible, and it’s a great biography to read. It’s more like reading The Bourne Identity or something–it’s that fast paced.


NIV Boys Backpack BibleBoys’ NIV Backpack Bible – $13.98


A smaller Bible that lays flat which will fit in a backpack or which a boy can easily take along to church. It’s brown, so not girly at all!


Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband Christmas Gifts for the Spiritual Side–Teenagers

For teens I’d recommend any of the games, especially Scattergories and Outburst and Taboo. And no matter the age, you still have to read The Best Christmas Pageant Ever out loud. At this age I’d stress starting to get into some serious Bible study, which is why I’m including wide-margin Bibles or Bibles that are designed for taking notes. I bought a wide margined Bible about a decade ago and I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost it because it’s got all of my notes and thoughts in it! I think encouraging kids to start actually writing notes in their Bibles is a good thing–and this is what I’ll be getting my girls this Christmas (I just realized that as I was typing this! I’ve been trying to figure out a spiritual gift, and this fits the bill. I’ve bought them the smaller Bibles before, but it’s time they had something to actually write in).


Here are two Bibles that fit the bill, but there are likely many others. Just make sure they have wide enough margins to take notes!


NIV Note-Taker's BibleNIV Note Takers’ Bible – $38.40


A Bible with wide margins specifically designed for you to take notes during Bible studies, sermons, etc. It doesn’t have a lot of study aids, but it’s great for just being the plain Bible text–with your own personal commentary.


ESV Single Column Journaling Bible (Black)ESV Journalling Bible – $31.36


Here’s a Bible with the text in a single column, verse by verse, to let you take notes on each verse. Lots of room for writing! The pictured one is in black, but it comes in many different colours as well.


ACCU-Gel Highlighters Study KitBible Highlighters - $6.70


Okay, that must be a gimmick. BIBLE highlighters? Is that like Bible pencils and Bible erasers, where people put “Bible” in front of it to sell it? Actually, in this case, no. It’s a real thing. And here’s why: if you’re going to highlight in your Bible, you need highlighters that won’t bleed through the page to the other side. So these are awesome, because they let you highlight on one side, but when you flip the page it’s still okay. Bible pages are super-thin, because the Bible is so long, so normal highlighters won’t work. If you have a teen who is serious about Bible study, these are great.


Sakura 30081 Pigma Micron Blister Card 005 Ink Pen, 0.20-mm, BlackBible Pens – $4.79


Again, the best way to write in a Bible is with special pens that won’t bleed through. Often normal ballpoint pens do, and the markers that won’t fade often bleed as well. These pens don’t bleed, but they’re crisp and clear.


Crayola Colored Pencils, Assorted Colors, 24 count (68-4024)Pencil Crayons – $2.99


You can never fail with pencil crayons to colour in verses you like or words you want to highlight! I still colour all the verses I’ve memorized yellow. These are just standard Crayola coloured pencils, but even if you have some in your house, it’s good to buy a set for each person so that they have their own to keep with their Bible and they’re not searching all over the house when it’s time to do devotions.


Safely HomeSafely Home - $12.37


Very rarely has a novel impacted me as much as Safely Home by Randy Alcorn. Again, another book about the persecuted church in China. There are two specific incidents that stand out to me: first, everyone in one town decides to leave, making the town abandoned. The reason? Everyone has already accepted Christ, so there is no more mission work that can be done there. It is time to move on. Second, in China, people pray for having the honour of being the last martyr before Christ returns. Can you imagine making such a prayer for yourself–or your child? It helps you get a totally new perspective on what it means to follow Christ.


Uncle Tom's Cabin Uncle Tom’s Cabin – $9.49


This used to be required reading in high school, but few teens read it anymore. And quite frankly, this is one of the most Christian books I have ever read. It is quite simply beautiful. It opens people’s eyes to the horror that was slavery, but also lets you see how Christ can enter in and transform lives. Another thing I appreciated: not all whites were bad, and not all blacks were good. Harriet Beecher Stowe wrote a novel about the complexities of real life, and she accomplished something so well that we are still trying to figure out today. Also, this books has the best gospel presentation I have ever read. Every person needs to read this book, at least once in their lives.


Specifically for teenage boys

C80L Forgiven Jewelry-3 Nail Cross Necklace on Suede Cord-Christian Jewelry3-Nail Cross Necklace on Suede $9.49


Here’s jewelry for boys–it’s a cross necklace with a twist, constructed out of 3 nails (the nails in both hands, and the nail in His feet). It’s powerful.


Specifically for teenage girls

Shine Necklace – $40


It’s gold plated, and it gives the message: I want to shine wherever I am, in school, at work, at home. It’s lovely, and a conversation starter.


Shine Necklace


 


Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband
Christmas Gifts for the Spiritual Side–adult women

I’d add the wide margin Bibles from above, along with the highlighters and Bible pen, as well as the family games. Then here are a few other choices:


 It is well with my soul necklace – $36


If you have a woman in your life who has gone through a difficult time this year, here’s a lovely piece of jewelry to remind her that God is always with her bringing peace.


It Is Well Necklace


Grateful Necklace - $39


A beautiful pewter necklace that you can add charms to–either words like “family”, or initials of your family members, or anything else!


Grateful Necklace


How Great Thou Art wall plaque – $14.99


This is my mother’s favourite hymn, and it means so much to us as a family. You can find plaques of many of your other favourite hymns, or other verses, over at Dayspring.


How Great Thou Art Plaque


 


Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband Christmas Gifts for the Spiritual Side–adult men (like husbands!)

Men can be harder to buy for. You can include the study Bibles mentioned above, or some great books, but some guys don’t like reading books. If your husband isn’t a reader, don’t get him a book just because you love it. Here are some other ideas that may work:


Sermons to listen to in the car


Download some awesome sermons and create a CD for him (or put them on his iPod) so he can listen in the car while he drives to work! If you know of a great site to download sermons, or some wonderful ones, let me know in the comments and I’ll add the links here.


Audio Books


If your husband drives a lot for work, then listening to a good book can help break up the trip and give him something meaningful to think about. When I drive to speaking engagements I often listen to books. Search around for some good ones you think he’d like and download them to a CD or to his iPod. I’m linking here to the book Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas, but you can find a ton of books at Audible that he will like!


Noble Man Mug – $9.99


Show your husband that you think he’s a noble man! A sturdy mug with an inspirational message.


Dayspring Noble Man Mug
So remember our theme: 3 Gifts at Christmas for those you love. Something they need, something they want, and something to nurture their spiritual side. It’s the gold, frankincense and myrrh method of gift giving! And see if it helps you and your family think of Christmas in a new way.

My 3 Gifts of Christmas: gold, frankincense and myrrh. Something they want, something they need, and something to nurture their soul. Read on for ideas!


Now, I would love to hear your suggestions! Leave them in the comments, and let’s brainstorm together about how to make this season meaningful!





 


 


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Published on December 04, 2014 07:45

December 3, 2014

Beauty from Ashes: Part 2

Sexual Shame in Marriage: A beautiful 2-part series of a true story of how one woman broke free of sexual shame and found God's love--and a great marriage!


What is it like to recover from sexual shame and live a full life with your husband? That’s what Joy McMillan is writing about in her book XES:Why Church Girls Tend to Get it Backwards…and How to Get it Right. Yesterday I published an excerpt of her story, and today, for Wifey Wednesday, I’m going to run the ending to that story. There’s so much more to Joy’s book, but I thought you’d really enjoy her lovely testimony, which moved me.


Read Part 1 of Joy’s Story here.

XES: Why Church Girls Tend To Get It Backwards...And How To Get It RightThe very same week my world fell apart, Jehovah Sneaky was at work behind the scenes. The women from the Bible study that my mum led on a Thursday morning were taking a trip down to North Carolina for a conference. And I just happened to be desperate enough to go with them. While I don’t recall too much from the weekend, teaching or ministry wise, I distinctly remember the women who carried me through some of the loneliest days of my life. They scooped me up, lifted my chin, and like a flock of mommas, enveloped me with love.


I spent the next couple of years digging into my relationship with God, avoiding boys like the plague, weaning myself off shop-lifting, and trying desperately to avoid the temptation to slip into the sexual habits I had created years before.


Painfully aware of my inability to have healthy relationships, I told God that my heart was His. Fully and completely. I knew I couldn’t be trusted with my heart, as I had flung it at every passing boy over the past several years, so I surrendered that decision to Him, committing to not pursue a relationship again without knowing He was releasing my heart into their care.


I started leading youth group, teaching a Bible study, and even stumbled my way into Christian radio. I had started over, stuffed my past down deep enough that it was hardly even discernible, and was now determined to earn my way back into God’s good grace. I was going to prove to Him that I was worth saving.


After three years of celibacy, while perfecting my new ‘God’s girl’ image, a pastor I worked with at the radio station introduced me to a young man. While I didn’t notice him at first, we kept running into each other at random media events, first at a Michael W. Smith concert, then at a SonicFlood concert, and again at Festival Con Dios. We finally started to connect the dots when the general manager of the station, and our pastor friend, exchanged our emails and got the ball rolling. Because of the hour-long distance between us, we got to know each other via phone and email, and after a month of lengthily conversations, we had our first date.


When I had surrendered my heart to God a couple of years earlier, I had begged him for wisdom. Having run so quickly into physical encounters with boys in the past, rarely connecting emotionally, and never sharing a spiritual bond, I had asked God to reverse that trend when the man He had for me came along. I watched him honor this request in the following months as we connected instantly over our mutual love for Jesus first, developing a sweet friendship after that, and carefully putting boundaries in place for sexual purity. Everything seemed to be going just peachy!


An interesting thing happened on our second date, however, when the topic of sexual purity arose. Sitting in his Ford Escort in the Farmer Jack’s parking lot, I panicked. The conversation had turned to me and I had a choice to make. To tell, or not to tell. Dry heaving out the window, I turned back to him and whispered, “I was date raped when I was 15.” Nothing more. I had decided to share the ‘poor me’ part of my story, and keep the ‘bad me’ portion in hiding, assuming the basic knowledge of me being ‘used goods’ would validate the presence of some junk to work through.


Heaven knows, if he really knew the amount of sexual baggage I came with, he’d head for the hills.

Our relationship progressed and in March of the following year, he proposed in the white sand of a Florida beach at sunset. It was beautiful and glorious, and on that day I was only slightly aware of the farce I had become. I had grown so accustomed to pretending that I had almost managed to convince myself that my ugly past was simply a figment of my imagination. I would go through the mental motions of carving out ground at the bottom of the ocean, dumping all my iniquities into the pit, and then smothering them in cement. I would repeatedly drown out the memories each and every time they threatened to rear their ugly heads and remind me of who I was.


From the outside looking in, I had it all. The perfect job, a wonderful family, an amazing fiancé, and impeccable faith. The only problem was, I knew my life was still a charade, and the fear of exposure — and the subsequent ruin — kept me tightly enslaved.


While everything blossomed on the outside, I was quietly withering on the inside.


Secrets will do that to you.

I have learned over the course of the past decade or two that whenever I keep dirt hidden, it has power over me. These secrets fester and take on a life of their own, devouring my confidence and joy, and driving me further back into the shadows of insecurity. But when brought out into the light, they lose their power, and I gain power over them. As long as we allow the enemy a foothold in the darkest recesses of our heart, in amongst the secrets and cobwebs, he will poison our self-image, smudge our purpose, and chain us down with fear.


I developed such a warped sense of reality that I — to this day — have chunks of memory completely blotted out. I remember several times waking up in a cold sweat from a dream that left me gasping for breath, heart pounding out of my chest. Vivid scenes of my involvement in a murder, and the messy attempt to cover it up. I spent many days searching through my fractured memories, desperate to know whether this was something I had actually been a part of, or whether the devil was simply capitalizing on my inability to separate fact from fiction.


In the months leading up to our wedding, we did everything we knew to do in preparation — we took every marriage class, read every book, and spent time with older, wiser couples who invested in our relationship. While at times I felt like a fraud in talking about past experiences, simply leaving out massive chunks of my history, I had finally managed to convince myself that as long as I could keep up the performance, no one would ever be the wiser. But the alternative was no longer an option.


It was mind over matter, and I was determined to protect this beautiful new life I was living.


Two months before our wedding, in August of 2003, I ended up driving to New York with a close friend for a media event. I assumed it would just be a fun-filled few days at Six Flags, hobnobbing with artists and brushing shoulders with the big wigs of the music industry. But God had other plans.


On the final evening of the event, I found myself sitting front and center in the stadium, media pass hanging proudly around my neck. After Michael W. Smith’s set, TobyMac rocked the stage, followed by the delightful presence of Kirk Cameron. I was loving my front row seat, until she came out. Pam Stenzel1, purity advocate extraordinaire. She talked about abstinence and purity and virginity and boundaries, all the things I assumed I didn’t really need to hear at that point. After all, I was gettin’ hitched in 2 months. She went on to share how important it is to live with full disclosure in marriage, to dialog with honesty and transparency. And I wanted to die. I hoped the earth would just open up and swallow me whole. This was not what I wanted to hear. After all, I had quietly dragged these secrets around for the past several years, and with my wedding just around the corner, it made no sense for me to go rummaging through the trash now. Let bygones be bygones. Don’t stir up this hornet’s nest, woman.


But the pit in my stomach deepened as she drove home the need for relationships to be built on foundations of trust. “Fine, God. Just fine. I get it” I whimpered. Paralyzed in my seat I watched as people flooded the prayer tent. I was so very aware of an urgency in my spirit, a sense that God was saying, “Joy, I’m giving you the opportunity of a lifetime…but you have got to act within the lifetime of this opportunity.” I knew that window would close quickly, as making it to our wedding day without telling him the truth, would mean taking my secrets to the grave. I couldn’t possibly burden him with that after he was tied to me.


It was now, or never.


“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives”


Genesis 50:20


The thought of allowing my fiancé into those dark, dirty places of my life seemed impossible, so I thought I’d outsmart God at His own game. “Okay, God. Let’s make a deal,” I started, “if I speak to Pam and she tells me I should tell him everything, I’ll do it.” Looking at the growing mass of sniffling bodies in and around the prayer tent, I was certain this was my ticket out. I wandered over, sheepishly standing off at a distance, trying to plan my next move, when I turned to go. Standing directly behind me was Pam Stenzel. How He did that, I will never know, but there she was in all her purity-advocating glory, and I couldn’t escape. 7 years of running came to a screeching halt and I fell apart in her arms. She cried with me, prayed with me, and confirmed what I felt God was prompting me to do; it was time to take out the trash.


I am so thankful for the precious friend who accompanied me on this trip, a dear friend of my fiancé’s long before she became my own. She quietly listened as I processed through my raw emotions, ranging from terror to anger and back again, and then helped me prepare my heart for what was about to take place in my relationship. She, too, prayed with me, encouraging me and speaking hope into my heart, and was the first person to hear snippets of the life I had kept secret.


Once home in Michigan, I went to the apartment we were renting, where my fiancé was currently staying, and waited for him to return home from work. Apart from the day I spent staring at my newborn son through cold ICU glass, being intubated and cardioverted, as medical staff fought to save his life, this was the longest day I’d ever known.


After avoiding eye-contact and dancing around the subject for as long as possible, he pried, and I cracked. I don’t recall how the words emerged from my lips, but through snot and tears, he heard snippets of a life very different from the one I had painted. Certain the filth of my true identity had manifested on my face, my chin remained planted on my chest as I dredged the secrets up from hiding.


Lies upon lies. Relationship after relationship. Sin cloaked in more sin.


And then he asked me what I feared most he might ask. “How many were there?” The number slipped from my lips, and then I was gone.


Convinced this sealed the fate of our relationship, I left my engagement ring on the couch and ran for the bathroom. Curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, I ached for God to just take me home. I was an undone, incoherent and utterly destroyed by my own failed masquerade. Surely death would feel better than this mess I had made.


What felt like hours later, but I’m sure was closer to 30 minutes, I heard him in the doorway. He bent down, scooped me up and, hands firmly holding my face, forced me to look at him. I will never forget the pain I saw in his eyes. A pain I had caused. But mingled with the hurt, was a compassion I didn’t understand.


He took my hand, got down on his knee, and asked me — once again — to marry him.


Restored

Oh, friend. This moment will forever be sealed in my memory. Heaven kissed earth in the wee hours of the morning in that little apartment on Potter Street, and through this extravagant expression of grace and forgiveness, that boy changed my life. For the first time, truly, in my life, I understood — tangibly — the radical love of Jesus. The love that says, “even though I know you completely — with all the ugliness and brokenness you carry — I still want you!”


I was utterly wrecked in the most beautiful of ways.


The next morning, puffy-eyed and surprisingly courageous, I sat on my momma’s lap and told her what had happened back on the night of September 15th, 1996, and how it had impacted the choices I’d made over the next few years. We wept together as she wrestled to understand how they’d missed the warning signs that I was so deeply in trouble. She asked to share it with my dad, and shortly afterwards asked that I share my story with our women’s group at church.


Faster than I ever thought possible, this terrible tale that had held me captive all these years lost its power and become a powerful weapon against the very one who had tried to destroy me.


The following year, as we navigated the unchartered territory of life as newlyweds, we spoke at a purity conference. Sharing honestly and transparently from our personal journey, we were able to reflect on some of the struggles we were working through as a couple as a result of our poor choices, while celebrating God’s extraordinary faithfulness.


And while I’d love to tell you that our life has been sunshine and roses since the truth emerged, we’ve had a whole heck of a lot to work through.

My husband wisely sought counsel from a Godly mentor. He reminded him how hard it must have been for me to bring this to him, and how important it was that he work through it, forgive me, and then let it go. “Never bring it up again,” he added. And I am so incredibly thankful and blessed to say, he never has.


While I’m still uprooting lies I believed and associations I made during sexual encounters as a teenager, we’ve come a mighty long way! Despite the years of junk we’ve had to wade through, the many soul ties we’ve had to sever, and the deep insecurities I continue to wrestle with, the sweetness and freedom of our intimacy has grown exponentially over the past several years.


To add to the sexual baggage, I dragged a boatload of emotional wounding into our marriage. I had so cemented into my mind the notion that ‘conflict destroys relationships’ that it took me years to not shy away from it. Past experience had proven this theory time and time again, so when something was bothering me, I stuffed it. And when my hubby picked up that something wasn’t right, and brought it up…I hid.


Fear of disappointing him fueled my drive for perfection and gave voice to my inner critic. The lingering sense that I was never good enough, in the kitchen, bedroom or laundry room, bubbled close to the surface, rearing its head in hyper-sensitivity and defensiveness.


This poor guy had NO idea what he had gotten himself into.


I cannot imagine what life would be like for us today, had I tried to keep everything locked up inside.

I wonder whether we would have even survived. Secrets tend to breed more secrets, which destroy the trust and safety of a marriage, and eventually unravel the very fabric of your relationship.


While those tools we’d placed in our marital tool belt came in handy when dealing with love and respect issues, or gender roles, and finances, nothing could quite prepare us for the daily walking out of married life. Especially one that required much healing and reprogramming for our interludes between the sheets. Our sex life, once settled into, was lack luster at best, as I struggled to stay emotionally present, while shying away from anything creative that might recall the experiences I’d had years earlier. Honest, open discussion, coupled with prayer, really helped us overcome many of these issues, and continues to act as our go-to when, from time to time, unexpected things emerge.


It’s been amazing watching God use our journey and our struggles to encourage other couples wrestling with the same stuff. We’ve had the opportunity to mentor several couples, and lead many different marriage courses, simply because we’ve made our imperfect selves available to Him, and because we truly love watching our resourceful God redeem our brokenness and use it for His glory.


Redeemed

We had the opportunity to fly home to South Africa and Namibia in 2006, in celebration of our third anniversary, and to connect my hubby with the family of mine he’d not yet met. Many of our fondest memories together were created during the 5 glorious weeks we spent gallivanting across the countryside.


On our last evening in South Africa, before heading over to Namibia for our final week of vacation, I had another of those ‘God opportunities’. One of those, “I’m giving you the opportunity of a lifetime…but you have to act within the lifetime of the opportunity” moments.


We had spent a week with my parents’ best friends in Johannesburg and I had been sharing how I was still wrestling with some severe insecurity. In fact, my people-pleaser streak was threatening to become a fully-blown way of life. I was terrified of disappointing people and in my effort to never rock the proverbial boat, I had become relatively passive-aggressive in the way I dealt with things.


My mom’s longtime best friend, who had headed up their area’s Theophostic Ministry2 (and inner healing ministry; ”Theo” meaning God, “Phos” meaning light), had asked whether I’d wanted to set aside some time to really pray about these things and ask God what the root issue was. Initially I’d been eager, but as the clock ticked down and our final hours with them became fewer, I felt a mild panic. “I don’t really feel like being an emotional, snotty mess,” I reasoned. “Don’t worry about it…I’m good.” But there, in the pit of my stomach, was that bubbling sense of urgency.


Don’t miss it, Joy. Don’t miss what I have for you.


Just before we were scheduled to be picked up by my dad’s sister, who was going to take us to their place, and then drive us to the airport in the morning, I dove in headfirst.


Wait. I want in. I want everything God has for me…bring it on!


So we called and asked her to come 2 hours later, then jumped in with both feet. As I sat cross-legged on her bed, begging God to uproot this life-sucking burden from me, we waited. Allowing God to take me back to the beginning, where lies took root and truths got twisted, the tears and snot began to flow. From the forgotten parts of my heart, God brought to mind snippets of scenes that had taken place when my older sister and I were 4 and 6. He took me, in my mind’s eye, to the white garage door of our favorite worker’s apartment on the grounds of the hostel we’d lived in. As vice-principle of the high school, my dad also had the position of superintendent of the girls’ hostel attached to the school, and it’s the place we called home for 4 years after our arrival from Cape Town.


What took place in that small bedroom had been all but erased from my memory. Only fragments had remained, but slowly things shifted into place. Suddenly it all made sense.


All those years I’d wrestled with shame and guilt because something about our childhood had felt mysteriously dirty, but without remembering what had actually happened, I simply stuffed the feeling, owned the shame, and believed that something must just be wrong with me. I was broken. And dirty. And disturbed.


All those years my sister and I dabbled in things we had no place dabbling in. And now it made sense.


This was the missing piece of the puzzle I’d been desperately trying to assemble, and God — in His sweetness — had revealed it at the perfect time. The very next day we landed in Namibia, and as we walked the grounds a few days later, hand-in-hand, processing through and releasing the wound of innocence stolen, God brought closure to an incredibly confusing chapter of my life. We stood outside that white door, cried, and let it go.


Upon arriving home in the States, just before Thanksgiving, we discovered we were pregnant with our first child. We did the math and discovered our little lady was conceived in Namibia. How like our God to bring new life out of a chapter of my life that had reeked of decay.


We named our daughter ‘Alathea Grace’, Alathea being Greek for “truth.”


For she, our precious gift, was the new life birthed out of a season saturated in truth, and seasoned heavily with grace.


XES: Why Church Girls Tend To Get It Backwards...And How To Get It RightIf you’ve enjoyed these excerpts from Joy’s book, XES: Why Church Girls Tend to Get it Backwards…And How to Get It Right, pick it up now! She shares not just her own story but also what she’s learned along the way about how to nurture a fulfilling sexual relationship with her husband, too–despite sexual baggage, exhaustion from kids, or shame.


Joy-Bio-ROUNDJoy McMillan is a freelance graphic designer, writer, conference speaker, and tea drinker extraordinaire. She is the founder of Simply Bloom Productions LLC, a creative little company with a big heart and an even bigger dream.


Joy & Joe have been involved in leadership & marriage ministry for as long as they’ve been married (2003), and with one foot planted firmly in the law enforcement world, they feel a tremendous burden to champion and celebrate God’s passion & purpose for marriage.


Originally hailing from Southern Africa, Joy lives with her scrumptious husband and two beautiful loin-fruit in Michigan.


WifeyWednesday175 Now, what marriage thoughts do you have for us today? Leave your own URL of a marriage post in the linky below!








The post Beauty from Ashes: Part 2 appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.



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Published on December 03, 2014 04:03

December 2, 2014

Beauty from Ashes: From Sexual Shame to Grace and Healing

Sexual Shame in Marriage: A beautiful 2-part series of a true story of how one woman broke free of sexual shame and found God's love--and a great marriage!


Recently Joy McMillan asked me to review her new book XES: Why Church Girls Tend to Get it Backwards…And How to Get it Right. I read it and wrote an endorsement. But I was so touched by her personal story of sexual shame and redemption, and I knew my readers would be, too. And so I asked Joy if I could run an excerpt from her book on the blog.


It’s long, so I’m going to run it over two days. It reads like a fast paced novel, and I know you’ll love it! Here’s Joy:


XES: Why Church Girls Tend To Get It Backwards...And How To Get It RightMy older sister and I were born in Cape Town, South Africa, and grew up in Windhoek, Namibia, where our parents moved to a few years later to avoid the discrimination of the apartheid government. That may sound unusual coming from a white South African, but my parents were passionate about us growing up in multi-racial schools, and felt led to transplant our family in what was then called South West Africa. A few years later, my younger sister arrived, and 3 years after that, our baby sister.


If you’re doing the math, yes, that’s 4 girls. And a mum. And yes, my dad is a rockstar.


Random fun fact: with my dad also hailing from South Africa and my mom from Zimbabwe, our family of six were born in 3 different countries across Southern Africa.


I have many fond memories of my young childhood, and a startling amount of negative ones. Not because there were more negative than positive, not by a long shot, but because I think that this tends to be the way our brains process life. And the way the enemy of our souls wages war on the battlefield of the mind.


It floors me how, looking back, I can recall things my parents did in complete innocence that were misinterpreted and twisted in my vulnerable little heart. My older sister, with her skinny little body, did ballet. I, however, was “muscular,” so I did gymnastics, even though I ached to dance. Sarah, with her beautiful brown eyes, looked lovely in pink, so she got a pink ballerina dress. A blue dress was a natural fit for me with my piercing blue eyes. Sarah’s hair was straight and long. Mine, on the other hand, was curly. Only nobody knew this. We lived in a semi-arid desert climate, much like Arizona, which is very unsupportive of follicularly swirly girls. And let me just tell you, if you’re going to brush a gal’s hair like it’s straight — when it’s not — and not give her any anti-frizz serum to make it look good, it is not going to cooperate. And it didn’t. My super fine, frizzy hair went every which way, except when we made trips to the coast. Then it curled and looked lovely. Who knew!? So, my mum kept it cut short because it was the only way to manage my mop.


Blue dress. Short hair. No ballet. Large Unabomber glasses. They all spelled out the same thing: “You are not feminine, Joy, in fact you’re sort of like a boy.” It didn’t help that I naturally gravitated to the boys, because they were uncomplicated and fun, which further alienated me from the girls. When my body started to do weird things and the boys wondered what was going on, I simply lifted my shirt and said, “Yeah…check it out…isn’t that crazy? I’m sprouting boobs! Wanna touch em?” I was just one of the boys, and while I loved feeling like I belonged, I ached to feel accepted within my own tribe…


I started snipping diet tips from beauty magazines and compiling health folders before I hit my double-digits. I became obsessed with my appearance, desperate to battle the bulge before it battled me. Watching my mom struggle with her weight for as long as I could recall, and seeing the resemblance in how we were built, struck a fear in me that fueled my obsession.


Despite the lies I believed about my lack of worth and value, I became that girl. The one making out with the boys at every middle school dance, not because I really loved to suck face, but because it made me feel pursued and valued, and was, admittedly, rather fun to shock the other girls. I had a new ‘boyfriend’ every week and lapped up the false sense of confidence it provided me.


While I started to appear happy and confident on the outside, I was empty and broken inside.

My family moved to America near the end of 1994, where I attended my second high school. Talk about culture shock. By the time I had found my feet and nestled into a good group of friends, our visas had expired and we were moving back home to Namibia. With the difference in school year (our school year mirrors the calendar year, while a school year in the States runs from September through June), I begged my parents to allow me to try correspondence schooling, rather than repeat 6 months of school, and struggle once again to fit in with the other kids who’d maintained their friendships in my absence.


The few friends who had stayed in touch with me during my 18 months overseas, via snail mail, were eager to hear how life had treated me. And I was not one to disappoint. I conjured up all sorts of stories about beach volleyball and cheerleading, of which I knew nothing, because the pitiful time I’d spend shuffling through the halls, trying not to be noticed, was too painful to relive. Lying became second nature to me, and with no one to contradict my stories, I simply painted the picture of the life I’d wanted to live. I created the image of the girl I wanted to be, and they bought it, hook, line and sinker.


It seemed, for a time, that life was looking up for me, but the veneer was only paper thin.


After years of childishly dabbling in promiscuity, and yet never crossing the virginity line firmly established in our conservative Christian home, I started dating older boys on the sly. In September of 1996, shortly after I turned 15, I met the sons of one of my dad’s colleagues who were visiting from England. I quickly connected with the older one and started spending more time with him. Little did I know of the competition raging behind the scenes in this testosterone-charged household, and the night before their family flew back home, they spiked my drink and the younger one took me downstairs to his room. I don’t recall much of the rest of the night, except spending the wee hours of the morning rocking in the fetal position in my older sister’s bedroom repeating, “I’m not a virgin, I’m not a virgin, I’m not a virgin.” And then there was the phone call I received from a very angry older brother who wanted to know what the hell I’d done with his brother (that I’d refused to do with him) the night before.


I knew little, but I knew enough.


This was a pivotal point in my journey. Life as I knew it had officially changed. The little value I felt I had left had been taken from me, and I suddenly had no reason to say, “no.” I threw myself into the arms of any interested male in a hopeless attempt to find significance. I used people and pleasure to temporarily numb the pain, desperately trying to quench my thirst for meaning and value.


Following in the steps of Adam and Eve, I allowed my shame to drive me into hiding, away from exposure and away from God.


The deeper I slipped into promiscuity, the harder it was to get out. Not only was I worthless, now I was dirty.

I jumped from relationship to relationship, going home from the bar with boys I barely knew, often much older than myself. I was only 15, but looked much older, and in a country where underage drinking was the norm and no one was carded, I continued to slip beneath the radar. I had a love-hate relationship with this thing I had going on. I loved the temporary thrill of being pursued, but I hated that it only briefly drowned out the loneliness and isolation. Once over the high, I slipped further into the dark.


“One who is full loathes honey from the comb, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet.” Proverbs 27:7


I remember lying dazed in some guy’s bed late one night when his housemate returned home. There had been no tenderness, no affection. Only business, without any form of protection. And now, with a third person in the room, there was no introduction. No closing of doors. No respect. Only a sick awareness that I was his prey for the night and the joke was on me. He threw me my clothes and quietly drove me back to the bar where he left me. The next time I saw him was on the rugby field, where I discovered he played for our national team.


You might have thought, by the way I strutted my stuff around town, that I was making a bold proclamation to clear up any doubts about my questionable femininity, “See people, I have a vagina…and I’m not afraid to use it.” But it was nothing that blatant. Or glamorous.


It was a well assembled front that afforded me the attention I craved, while quietly destroying any remaining shreds of my identity.


I’d nab the boys with my charm and enjoy the temporary thrill of feeling valued. But then it would be time to cough up the goods, and I’d feel stuck. I couldn’t escape the hell hole I’d dug for myself, so I learned quickly to run away mentally, while remaining present — albeit half-dead — physically. A habit it took me years to break once married.


I was drowning, and no one knew it.

Looking back I’ve wondered where my parents were while I traipsed around town, wasted and used. But as I get older and wiser, and after several hard conversations with them, I’ve realized that they were battling their own devils. Knee-deep in good works, they were busy proving their own worth and value, while raising 4 girls.


While my older sister had openly rebelled and fast earned herself the label of ‘black sheep’, I was still trying desperately to keep my iniquities hidden. I had seen the devastation my sister’s exit from our faith had caused my parents, and had determined to not put them through that again. So I was a respectful, hard-working student by day and a faithful pew-warming kid on Sunday mornings…and a bar-hopping floozy by night.


During this same year, I started shop-lifting. It started small, with a lipbalm here or a pack of gum there, and grew to include near daily fixes of clothes, CDs and make-up. Getting things for free became such a thrill, despite the gnawing awareness that what I was doing was wrong, that when I finally committed to stop (years later), it was incredibly hard. Unless you’ve experience the pull of an addiction, and the cycle of adrenaline and pleasure you experience, it’s hard to understand the way in which it sucks you in and then quickly spirals out of control.


I lost two little side-jobs that year as a result of stealing. I even stole several home pregnancy tests that I hurriedly took in grocery story bathrooms, vowing to God that if he would not make me pregnant, I would stop what I was doing. I knew that if that little line were to imply ‘with child’, that I would be thrust into a new world of scary choices and heart-breaking consequences.


When my parents discovered I had stolen their bank card and had made several withdrawals, and after they’d driven around town early one morning trying to locate me after I’d lied about where I’d spent the night, they knew correspondence schooling had afforded me freedom I had no place managing. Into my third high school I went, where I earned the nickname “the body” and started dating the older brother of a school friend. I kept the fact that he had a son a secret, as I was sure my parents couldn’t handle the truth.


More secrets, more separation.


As the crowd I spent time with morphed into a different breed of people, pornography became something I was regularly exposed to. Once again fueling the dump of adrenaline that coursed through my young veins, I got sucked further out to sea.


When we got the news that our visas had been renewed, and that we would be returning to the States, I was all too happy to leave a country that had grown to represent a season of so much guilt and shame.


Two weeks before we flew out, while visiting family in South Africa, I met a young man. I had just turned 16, and he’d just turned 21. We got hammered, along with 2 others, then went for a joyride out on the town. Trucking down a main street in Cape Town at a ridiculous speed, we hit the broadside of a taxi that had pulled out in front of us. The next thing I knew I was getting a morphine shot in my butt and surgery scheduled for my jaw, broken in two places. You would think that the events of the evening would act as perfectly clear warning signals, but I was too blind to recognize them.


Our relationship continued, long-distance, over the next two and a half years.


I viewed moving across the world as a much-needed fresh start, and I could, once again, present the image of the person I hoped to be. Only this time…one unblemished by sexual baggage. I started my senior year at a small town school (my 4th high school, if you’re keeping track), and slunk into the background. Sadly, having an accent makes you stand out by default, but with ‘insecure’ written all over my face, I became prime real estate for those meanies looking for a target.


I had transitioned from a young girl who loved people and thrived in school to a shattered young woman who was afraid of letting people in and who hated the emotional torture of school. I was terrified of my mask slipping, convinced that if anyone knew who I really was, I would be hung out to dry.


While I wasn’t physically bullied or tormented, the battle that raged in my head made any encounter with unfriendly people miserable. If someone laughed in the hallway while I was walking through it, they were laughing at me. If more than one person smiled at me when I walked in to the room, it was because I was the butt of their joke. When people didn’t greet me in passing, I thought it was because they didn’t like me. I longed to be invisible, and yet, watching others blossom in things I was too scared to try out for — like sports or theater — made my heart ache for more. I was desperately jealous of their confidence and courage, but the thought of risking failure was too much to bear.


So I stayed in my shell, dragging my dirty-girl secrets everywhere I went. When my boyfriend would come up to visit, for months at a time, I’d quietly slip back into the lifestyle I’d lived back home, and then seamlessly revert back once he left.


After I had graduated, and while working on my massage therapy certification at the local community college, this boyfriend of mine popped the question. It wasn’t really a lovely surprise seeing I’d sort of pushed him into it. I was convinced he was the only one who would ever want me, so I informed him that this was the natural progression of our relationship. I bugged him to hurry up and buy me a ring… while simultaneously insisting that we stop having sex. Not really a good combination for the average male.


God had started to woo my heart and there were certain things I knew I had to weed out of my life in order to get my life back in order.


Little did I know, a new girlfriend had popped up on the other side of the globe — one who wasn’t insisting on a ring or pushing for purity — and when the email arrived that 18th day of February 2000, informing me that it was no longer working out and that we should go our separate ways, the world as I knew it crumbled. I slept and wept, unable to get out of my bed, spinning that meaningless new ring on my finger.


Renewed

But this, my friend, is where it starts to get good….


Come back tomorrow for the follow-up to Joy’s story, when you hear what happened when she reveals all! Or you can find out right now by buying Joy’s book XES today!


XES: Why Church Girls Tend To Get It Backwards...And How To Get It RightIf you’ve enjoyed these excerpts from Joy’s book, XES: Why Church Girls Tend to Get it Backwards…And How to Get It Right, pick it up now! She shares not just her own story but also what she’s learned along the way about how to nurture a fulfilling sexual relationship with her husband, too–despite sexual baggage, exhaustion from kids, or shame.


Joy-Bio-ROUNDJoy McMillan is a freelance graphic designer, writer, conference speaker, and tea drinker extraordinaire. She is the founder of Simply Bloom Productions LLC, a creative little company with a big heart and an even bigger dream.


Joy & Joe have been involved in leadership & marriage ministry for as long as they’ve been married (2003), and with one foot planted firmly in the law enforcement world, they feel a tremendous burden to champion and celebrate God’s passion & purpose for marriage.


Originally hailing from Southern Africa, Joy lives with her scrumptious husband and two beautiful loin-fruit in Michigan.



The post Beauty from Ashes: From Sexual Shame to Grace and Healing appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.



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Published on December 02, 2014 04:16

December 1, 2014

Reader Question: How Do We Interact with My Husband’s Ex?

Jealous of Husbands Ex

Every Monday I like to put up a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it! I’ve been busy lately on speaking trips and driving my daughter to visit friends for American Thanksgiving, but I’ve found some time to actually write a new post today. Two people have sent me similar questions about how to interact with your husband’s ex, and I thought I’d try to look at it from different perspectives.


Here’s one reader:

Reader Question of the Week


 It recently came to my knowledge that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law they are still friends with my husbands ex… Now he and I were both in long serious relationship (5 years) wih our exes before we met, so I know they were in each others lives a long time, just like my ex, but I feel so hurt and completely disrespected that they choose to remain friends with her on their Facebook. My husbands ex was horrible to him and did some long term damage to his self esteem which I am still helping him repair!! They claim that it is their life and they can be friends with who they want, and his mother is afraid of “hurting” her if she deletes her. I tried talking to my hubby about it and he says he has asked them before to delete her and they won’t. She messaged him the night before we got married, ( a year ago today!) and told him she was happy for him and I just think it’s sick that she still has her nasty tentacles in his life.  It bothers me so much knowing she likes and comments on pictures of his family!! I blocked her but there is not much more I can do! Tried to have hubby talk to his family again but they are sooo stubborn about it!!


Help!!

Okay, I can understand being upset about this, but I think we need to be careful before over-reacting in some situations. I’ve had divorces in my extended family and I did not cut out that person from my life. Now in our case kids were involved, but I also thought of these women as my sisters for quite a few years, and it is hard to just write a person off because of divorce papers. So I do have some sympathy for the mother-in-law and sister-in-law here.


So here’s what I would say:


1. Your husband has done nothing wrong. He hasn’t spoken to the ex-girlfriend or encouraged that relationship.

So please don’t take it out on him! He can’t control what his ex-girlfriend does. But your husband chose you. The more you make this into an issue, the more you make things uncomfortable for him. What does it matter if she likes family pictures? Your husband is out of her life and firmly into yours, and isn’t associating with her, so she poses no threat to him. The only potential threat is that you get upset and you take that out on him or his family. Try to let it go.


Now, if your husband were pursuing a relationship with his ex or still texting his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, that would be a different story. But here he has cut off the relationship and he has put himself in your camp. If you take out your anger towards her onto him, you will push him away and treat him very unfairly. You also show that you don’t trust him–whereas he hasn’t given you any reason to think that you shouldn’t, as far as this letter shows.


2. You can talk to your in-laws about it, but ultimately it is their decision.

This ex-girlfriend was in their lives for a long time–5 years. That means that your in-laws have a relationship with her, even if she wasn’t nice to your husband. That is their choice. I still have my former sister-in-law on Facebook. She was close to my girls when she was their aunt, and I always got along with her well. But I don’t socialize with her. I have my brother-in-law and his new girlfriend over, not my former sister-in-law. But she’s still part of my social circle, and I want to watch her kids grow up.


The fact that I still talk to my former sister-in-law or like her pictures on Facebook does not mean that I have chosen her over my brother-in-law’s new girlfriend. It just means that I’m still interested in her life–in the same way that I’m interested in lots of people’s lives that I’ve known over the years. But she’s not the one at the table at Christmas dinner–the new girlfriend is, and that’s absolutely fine with me, and I hope I’ve made that clear to them.


It’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal.


3. I think you need to ask yourself, “why does this bother me?”

Your husband isn’t interested in her anymore and doesn’t continue a relationship with her. Your in-laws accept you and haven’t chosen her over you; they just still have some contact.


Of course, if there is something going on with her and your husband, then you’d have to do something about it. But the more you waste emotional energy over a woman who doesn’t matter anymore to either of your lives, the more you waste emotional energy that you could spend just loving on your husband.


Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really think you need to let this one go!


That was Letter #1. Now here’s Letter #2:

My husband and I are married for 3 years now. Before our marriage my husband knew this girl for almost 5 years. They studied in the same college and they were close friends with some flirting. Everybody in their college knew about their flirting or what ever it is they had. They did not date each other though. They thought of getting married but it did not work out . His ex is also married now. My husband was not in touch with her after our marriage. Now my husband gets a good job in the same area where his ex works and we live in the same area where his ex lives. I am just worried about my husband and his ex running into each other, talking and getting invited to some dinner/ parties. How do I mingle and talk to her? Should I talk to my husband about how I feel or just leave it. I do. trust my husband. It’s just that I don’t want myself or my husband to have any connection with his ex nor do I want to hear about their college stories or get invited to any dinners/ parties of his college friends. What should we do?


I asked this question on my Facebook Page yesterday, and I’ll just highlight some of the great answers.


A number of readers reminded her to be gracious above all.


I know you would prefer to have different social circles and to not listen to stories of their past, however, sometimes you have to grin and bear it because it is the right thing to do. Every time I have to deal with my step-daughter’s mother, I have to remind myself to take the high road because mine is the face that she judges Jesus with. If I am not kind and gracious, she will be poisoned to the idea of ever coming to Christ. And I know it REALLY sucks. A LOT. I have asked my husband to establish some very clear boundaries with her – as in, he knows where the line is even if she doesn’t. I have had to listen to her tell a group of people that she still loved my husband. How do you cope with that? You are kind, gracious and blow off steam later. Christians are held to a higher standard, and even though it’s not fair, we deal with it. I’m not saying for you to be a doormat, but you can be courteous for 5 minutes if needed. Hope this helps!


My best advice is to be gracious always. Always. It will put you (eventually) in a more peaceful place when you do encounter them and any “dirt” that gets stirred up will not gain traction. You have a lot more control in this situation than you realize. Always be the bigger person. It’s sometimes not easy, but it gets easier with time and it is so worth it! You can do this!!


Be classy and and don’t say anything to anyone that will cause a story to rise. Satan is already at work to keep breaking up families / marriages


I like all that advice! I’d also say that you can likely choose to have different social circles usually, and if you do run into her occasionally, that’s okay. Just take the high road.


The main thing here to remember is that YOUR HUSBAND CHOSE YOU.

His past is in his past–unless you choose to bring it into the present. If someone else tells a story about your husband when he was younger, that does not have to reflect on your husband today, and it’s your choice what to do with it.


Again, if your husband is actually still interested in this woman or is doing something to show you that he isn’t over her, that’s an entirely different story. But I think what often happens to us is that we become suspicious of our husbands because we are insecure about our relationship now. The way to deal with that insecurity is not to try to grill your husband or punish your husband for his past so that he can reassure you about your present; that will usually backfire because you will push him away.


Instead, it’s to work at making your relationship the best it can be now. Do all the things that you know go into a good marriage. Work at loving your husband. If you are comfortable with him, and he is comfortable with you, what does it matter what happened earlier?


Our jealousy usually says more about our relationship today than it does about our husband’s relationship then.

Again–that is not always the case, and if you see your husband flirting or encouraging an inappropriate relationship then you must take action. But let the past go and live your life in the present. That’s better for your marriage, and will make you much more fulfilled in your marriage.


Now, let me know: have you ever had to interact with your husband’s ex? What did you do? Tell us in the comments!





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Published on December 01, 2014 04:16