Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 191

On Texas, Girl Talk, and Lots of Questions!

I’m in Texas! Last night I gave my Girl Talk in Houston, launching a 5 day tour I’m taking through the Lone Star state, speaking in San Angelo, Seminole, Austin, and San Antonio. I’m here with my friend Tammy, and we are just loving how warm it is. Tammy lives in Quebec City and she left behind 6 feet of snow. I’m in southeastern Ontario and I left behind 2 feet of snow. Seventy degrees is seriously better!

I met a bunch of people from the blog yesterday, too. I guess I have a lot of readers in Texas, and many came out to say hi and take some pics. So much fun to actually connect in person to people who read me everyday!

And I met J. Parker from Hot, Holy and Humorous! J and I have been online buddies for years, and we’ve talked on the phone, but never actually met. She took us out for lunch and we caught up, and then she came to the event. Here we are holding each other’s books.

I spend the first part of my talk discussing how God designed sex and why on earth He made men and women relate to sex so differently (believe me, there’s a reason). Then we have a break, and during the break people have the opportunity to leave anonymous questions. After the break I answer as many as I can in 15 minutes, and then talk about how to make sex great in three different ways–spiritually, physically and emotionally.

It’s funny, because I can almost always predict what 6 of the questions will be. I usually always get them. And then at each venue there are always a few new ones, which makes it fun.

But every Monday I usually post a reader question and answer it, and I’m sorry that I don’t have time to do that today. But it occurred to me that you all may not realize that I do have a place where you can look up my answers to the most frequently asked problems. Almost all the emails that come in relate to questions that I have already answered on the blog–you just may not know where to find those answers.

So since I don’t have time to post today, I thought I’d point you all to the one central place that you can likely find answers to some of the things that are bugging you. Here it is–my Marriage FAQ.

If you’re in the Austin/San Antonio/Seminole area, I hope to see you this week! Just click on “Events” above to get taken to my schedule, or take a look on Facebook. And I know that next year I’ll be heading through Chicago, Louisiana, and Texas again, as well as booking other states. So if you’d like to be included in the tour, just email Tammy.

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post On Texas, Girl Talk, and Lots of Questions! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

The Appeal of 50 Shades of Grey–and Why We Should Fight

Fifty Shades of Grey is coming to theaters everywhere next Valentine’s Day. It’s become the highest advanced ticket sales for any R-rated movie ever. Groups of women are going to see it together.

What should our response be?

It’s sold as a series that can reignite women’s sex drives, boost their libidos, and even enhance their marriages. But is that true?

Today all over the online world bloggers are uniting to talk about this movie and why it’s a bad idea. I’ve written several posts on the book before, including:

Why 50 Shades of Grey Will Hurt Your Marriage
Pulling Back the Shades: How to Respond to 50 Shades of Grey
Why Ereaders and Erotica can Wreck Your Marriage

I want to take a bit of a different approach in today’s post and talk about why the movie appeals–and then what we should do about that.

Why Are Women Drawn to 50 Shades of Grey?

Honestly, I’ve read a lot of Christian commentary on 50 Shades of Grey, and the response is often something like: “it’s wrong, period!” People see the whips and the chains and the awful language and we’re horrified.

I agree that reading erotica is wrong and that it will harm your marriage. And this particular series glamourizes what is essentially a violent, abusive relationship (with shades of pedophilia in there, too).

Nevertheless, many women are drawn into the sexual fantasy about it.

But here’s the complicating factor: a lot of sin in our lives isn’t caused by sinful hearts as much as it is caused by brokenness–by deep places of hurt within ourselves. Remember when Jesus warned people not to be a stumbling block to one of his little ones and cause them to sin? He wasn’t denying that the little ones were sinning; but he was saying that the cause of that sin was not some evil on the part of the little ones, but some way that they had been hurt or harmed by someone else.

Brokenness is as much a cause of sin as our own sinful nature. Brokenness is dangerous.

And just like many men (and women) are tempted towards porn because they feel lonely and it gives them a sense of control, so there is something inside of many women which draws them towards this kind of erotica.

Dannah Gresh and Juli Slattery do a great job in the book Pulling Back the Shades to explain why 50 Shades of Grey is so alluring to so many. But I want to take it even farther today. They talk about how women are looking for more excitement in their sex life; how they’re sick of being bored (among other things), and that’s all true. But that would apply to any kind of erotica or any kind of sex toys, etc. The simple fact is that there is something unique about this particular brand of erotica–this particular story of bondage and sado-masochism that has captivated millions. What is it? That’s what I want to figure out today, because I think when we understand the root we’ll understand the response.

Root #1: Feeling Alone

In her book The Fantasy Fallacy, Shannon Ethridge looks at how we all have sexual fantasies, and those fantasies are not all bad. Some, however, cross a line. But where do those fantasies come from? Our sexual selves is very rooted in our identities, our fears, and our deepest longings. And those are shaped especially by our brokenness. So it’s hardly surprising that our sexual fantasies often say much about the state of our hearts.

When you look at the root of the fantasy appeal of 50 Shades of Grey, you can see a lot of brokenness.

Let’s start with this: The book centers on a naive 21-year-old who is alone in the world and just beginning her adult life.

Do you remember those years?

I do, and they weren’t pretty. They were the loneliest and scariest of my life. I didn’t know what I’d be doing. I didn’t know who I’d marry (or if I’d marry). I didn’t know if I’d be alone my whole life.

I have two daughters aged 17 and 20, and so I’m surrounded by them and by their friends. And this is a hard, horrible time for many of them. It’s just really unsettling. I wouldn’t want to go back at all.

And so, in the midst of feeling naive and unprepared for life, she meets this strong, confident billionaire (yes, billionaire. Good, realistic plotting isn’t exactly what this series is known for). She gets someone who will take care of her (even in a warped way). And that can be really intoxicating.

 Root #2: Feeling Like You Don’t Have To Be In Control

A lot of women are control freaks. It’s not necessarily because we want to be in control, though. It’s because there are so many things we’re desperately worried about, and because we’re multitaskers, we think about them all the time. We can’t get away from them. And because we worry so much, we feel like everything rests on our shoulders. If we don’t do all the right things, everything will fall apart.

That’s a heavy responsibility.

We feel responsible for making the right decisions about our kids. We feel responsible for our marriages, for our parents, for our friends. We feel responsible for keeping ministries going at church. We have so much on our shoulders.

Doesn’t sounding like you have no control sound intoxicating?

A while back I had some health scares and I had to go through a number of tests. I posted a Facebook update that I had had an MRI–and despite all the banging (MRIs are really loud) I almost fell asleep. It was one of the most relaxing times I’d had in ages! I got to lie there, and there was absolutely nothing I was allowed to do except be still. It was heaven.

So perhaps it’s no wonder that the whole idea of bondage and someone else being in control and making all the decisions appeals in a deep way to women. Many of us are wounded because we are carrying around burdens and cares that cannot and should not be our own.

Root #3: Dealing with Shame

Many of us are just plain ashamed of our sexuality. We equate being aggressive in bed or even enjoying ourselves with being slutty or being “bad”. It’s hard for us to initiate sex, or to tell our husbands what we want in bed.

Having a man that takes the choice out of it, then, is freeing. If he’s doing something TO you, and you can’t resist, then you’re free to enjoy yourself without having to admit that you’re somehow bad.

Dealing with the Ugly Fruit

Remember, the root just shows us what our heart issues are. But when we let that root take hold and we let that grow, we can bear some awfully ugly fruit.

And that’s what happens with erotica like this. We may have reasons to be drawn to it, but when we read a lot of erotica, or watch it in movies, it clouds our fantasies. It starts to pair our sexual response with a fantasy rather than a person (our husbands), and just like porn does, it makes it harder to stay present with our husbands. We’re not making love with them; we’re using them while fantasies are going through our heads.

And those fantasies are hard to remove. Soon you need them even to get aroused. Not a good thing. And that’s when we cross the line from brokenness into sin.

Then there are those who will eventually start to act this stuff out. There’s a reason demand for bondage gear is growing. But when you start living this out in real life, you cement a relationship which is the farthest thing from truly intimate you can find. You create a violent, degrading relationship instead of a healthy meeting of two equals.

What Should Our Response to 50 Shades of Grey Be?
If you’re drawn to 50 Shades of Grey:

Recognize the reasons. Try to identify the roots of the appeal of the fantasy. Is it that you don’t want to be alone? Don’t want to feel in control all the time? Want to enjoy sex without feeling shame? If you can identify the root, then you can help heal any brokenness that’s there. You can run to God to work out your insecurities. You can work with your husband on how to feel more comfortable with your sexuality. You can start wrestling with God about how to trust Him in faith and not having to be so in control.

That’s a tall order, I know, because for many of us these roots run deep. Many porn addicts suffer from a similar thing. Their roots are often things like never being properly affirmed (in porn the women are always there and ready and eager), or never feeling like  you’re powerful enough. Sometimes a big part of defeating the temptation of these things is admitting what the root is, and dealing with that as well.

If you’re talking with someone who is thinking of seeing the 50 Shades movie:

Explain the chemical process of how we start to pair sexual arousal with fantasy, and then we can’t get aroused in a relationship anymore. Tell her it’s a very similar physiological response as men with porn. And here’s what else happens: once we start using erotica, we tend to want more–and different. So we read weirder and weirder stuff that we would never have been drawn to before. It changes you in ways you don’t want.

Emphasize this rather than just “it’s sinful”. The “it’s sinful” doesn’t always help. Yes, it is, but sin has repercussions. If you explain the repercussions, it’s easier for people to see the danger.

The Pull for Porn & Erotica for Women Is Going to Escalate

Porn is a problem for men today in a way it never was before the internet. It was always a temptation, but it was never this widespread.

This is going to escalate for women now, too. We’re the next target. And it’s an easy progression from erotica to full blown porn.

So let’s start realizing that not all porn users are male, and that females struggle too. And let’s protect ourselves (and our daughters). Talk openly with your friends so that we make talking about this mainstream. Get filters on your computer. And fight against it!

Sex Can Be Fun–and Healthy!

So let’s spread the word that we don’t need bondage, whips and chains to have fun in bed! What we need is greater openness, less shame, and more intimacy.

And that’s why on this Fight Back Against 50 Shades of Grey weekend I’m going to put 31 Days to Great Sex on for just $2.99 from my store (in .pdf) and on Kindle at Amazon.

I want to give you EVERY REASON to pick up this book. Seriously, it’s only 3 dollars! And it’s got 31 challenges you and your husband can do together to help you talk about sex again, explore more, flirt more, be more affectionate, and spice things up. And I have several days where we deal with all the junk that’s holding us back, too.

Already have it? Pick up a copy for a friend, or a sister, or a relative that is thinking of going to see the movie. Show them there’s another way!

The post The Appeal of 50 Shades of Grey–and Why We Should Fight appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge February: Spice Things Up

It’s our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge in 2015–February edition!

Most of us want to grow, but life often gets in the way. And sometimes we just need new ideas and a fresh perspective to help us figure out how to do marriage better!

So this year I’m challenging you to read 12 books with me. Last month we looked at Setting the Right Foundation, and we focused on Gary Thomas’ A Lifelong Love. I did a giveaway for those books and picked the winners last night! I’ve notified them all by email, but you can see them on the giveaway at the bottom of this post).

I know some of you haven’t read a book in a long time, but remember: it’s just one book a month! And I am so impressed by how many of you joined me last month! Way to go!

 

Choose from these 3 books on Spicing Things Up!

Why three books? Well, if I just pick one you may have already read it! And we all have slightly different issues in our marriages, so I want to suggest a variety of books that can help.

Since it’s Valentine’s Day month, I thought it was a good time to focus on sex. So all of our books this month will help you in the bedroom. I didn’t include my book 31 Days to Great Sex because it’s not exactly a book to READ; it’s more a book to DO with your husband. But it does make a great Valentine’s Day gift (either in paperback or for your e-reader), and you can read more about it and other possible sexy Valentine’s Day gifts here!

Now on to the books I have chosen. Usually I just review one book, but this month I’ll be talking about several of these, since sex is, of course, one of the main subjects on this blog! But the main two that we’ll be dealing with are The Passion Principles and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I’ve written before about Pulling Back the Shades, and you can read my review here.

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Here’s my signature book, probably the one I’m most proud of! I know many of my regular readers have already read it, but if you’ve been reading this blog for a long time and you’ve never read it, here’s your chance. Honestly, I say so much more in the book than is just on the blog, and share a lot of personal stories. And it’s all in one place!

Who should choose this book? Anyone who likes the blog! And anyone who wants sex to be amazing and is wondering how to really experience intimacy on each of the three levels while making love: physical, spiritual, and emotional.

Get it here.

The Passion Principles: Celebrating Sexual Freedom in Marriage by Shannon Ethridge

Does the word “passion” sound wonderful–but you can’t really figure out how to live it out? You’ve always got so many things going through your head, so many things you “should” do, that it’s hard to give yourself over in the moment to your husband.

Shannon looks at how God created us to be passionate, and how that’s lived out specifically in marriage.

Who should choose this book? Anyone who wants to understand how to live a fuller life, especially sexually.

Get it here.

  Pulling Back the Shades: Erotica, Intimacy and the Longings of a Woman’s Heart  by Dannah Gresh and Dr. Juli Slattery

With 50 Shades of Grey hitting the movie theatres this Valentine’s Day, I thought it was fitting to include a great response to this phenomenon that’s not judgmental, but helps us understand the allure and then fight against it to discover godly sexuality.

Who should choose this book? Anyone who is struggling with 50 Shades of Grey or a temptation towards reading erotica.

Get it here.

Every Thursday on my Facebook Page from now on I’ll try to have an “Author” Day, where an author from our Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge answers your questions. I’ve already sent your questions from last month off to Gary Thomas, John and Lisa Bevere, and John and Stasi Eldredge, so look for their answers up on Facebook soon.

And I’ll be having a “Shannon Ethridge” day, too. So leave your questions in the comments now for Shannon, and leave any for me while you’re at it, and I’ll pick four for each of us to answer.

Thanks so much, everybody, and happy reading!

The post Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge February: Spice Things Up appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Regaining Intimacy and Rebuilding Trust After a Porn Addiction

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! Today Jennifer Ferguson, author of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart, joins us to talk about regaining intimacy and rebuilding trust after her husband’s porn addiction.

I did it was because I was afraid of losing him. I needed to remind him I was still there, still valuable, still able to please and satisfy him. Perhaps I needed a way to remind myself: I am still his wife. Don’t give up. Keep trying.

Each time I caught my husband, Craig, looking at porn, I would go through the same emotional cycle. At first, I would explode, wrath drenching us both, the slime of sin and shame dripping from our mouths and our hearts. Then, I would see his contrite heart, the doubting of himself and my love for him. My anger would recede and I’d try to show him the best way I knew how that I was willing to move on and try to forgive. And I’d offer myself to him on the bed.

But my offering was tainted. Sex is supposed to be a reminder of those wedding vows, the ones you took to love, honor, and cherish. This gift I was giving him wasn’t wrapped in intimacy and devotion. It was wrapped in fear and doubt.

I don’t want you to forget about me.
I’m trying to be everything you need.
I need you to tell me you think I’m enough.
I need you to tell me I’m more than porn.

It took a long path of healing for Craig and I to regain intimacy, emotionally and physically, with each other. Intimacy requires a level of trust and even though I could trust Craig with my body, I couldn’t trust him with my heart, the very place from which intimacy arises.

Not every partner has the same reaction to his/her spouse’s porn addiction. Some people are like me – they withdraw emotionally, but not physically. Some spouses withdraw physically, but are still able to give emotionally. And some are able to give nothing at all as porn wreaks havoc.

How do we regain intimacy with our partners when we are unsure if we can trust them? How do we give the gift of ourselves, physically and emotionally, when the act of betrayal could be just a few short steps away to another room? How do we give of ourselves if we are unsure if what we are giving will be received without comparison to something we know to which we can never measure up?

The truth is, this wasn’t something I could do on my own. I was too broken. My own baggage of self-worth and competition was too heavy and the anger I repressed because of my fear was always threatening to erupt. None of this was conducive to rebuilding intimacy. Also, part of the reason Craig turned to porn was because he felt inadequately prepared to address his own needs in relationships. He needed to learn how to communicate and press in instead of hiding and running away. We needed Jesus to show us how to let go and let each other in.

Here are some of the practical ways we started the rebuilding process that might work for you, too.

1. Remember when you first met

When you’re in the middle of fighting addiction, it easy to quickly get tripped up by fresh hurt and repressed pain. There are triggers all around and emotions run high. It was easy for me to return to places of anger and label him as “the porn addict who is ruining our marriage.” It was easy for Craig to interpret anything I said as controlling or manipulative. But when we took time to remember our relationship way back from the beginning, it interrupted our current vantage points and took us back in time. Recalling the first time we met, the first time we kissed, the first time we knew we were meant to be married helped us to see each other without all the current junk. It reminded us of the things we saw in each other that we dearly loved. It rekindled dormant feelings that were crucial in bringing us back to the foundation of our marriage – our love for each other and our love for God.

2. Converse. A lot.

Marriage, let alone overcoming addiction, takes a lot of intentional work and practice. Craig had to practice emotional intimacy because it was not only something he didn’t intuitively know how to do, but he was also afraid of it. He feared that if I knew the real him – the one with needs and emotions – I would dismiss him and not meet them. He had to learn to trust me with his emotional self. As he let me in, he realized his sharing made me embrace him all the more. Letting me see the fullness of who cleared a path so I could ask him things about his addiction. (How can pornography really not be about me? What kinds of things trigger you to turn to porn? How can you not compare me to then?) He realized that his behavior had a significant impact on me. And as he realized how much I cared for him, the more he wanted to be able to take care of me. In addition, the deeper our emotional connection went, the more I could physically be intimate without fear, anxiety, and constant comparisons going through my mind.

3. Be spontaneous–and don’t overanalyze!

When a good thought about your husband or your wife pops into your head, say it. If you aren’t in the same physical proximity, you can send a text. Or write it on a sticky note and hang it on the mirror. The more truth you can speak to each other and the more you can affirm your relationship, the stronger it will be. If you’re out shopping or running errands, see if your spouse can meet you for a quick cup of coffee or lunch. See a little something in the store that you know would bring delight? Buy it. When those good thoughts and ideas pop into your head, do not let Satan steal that moment of joy. Don’t weigh in your head whether or not he deserves it. Don’t stop to think if she is really in love with you or if she’ll be grateful. Push through with love and trust that God will use your act to grow much fruit in your marriage.

I know from experience these things are not easy to do, but they are worth it. And remember this: You weren’t meant to journey this road alone. If you need help, ask. Satan wants you to hide behind the shame of porn addiction, but when you utter the truth, you invite Jesus in.

Jennifer Ferguson and her husband Craig are the authors of Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography.

 

Now it’s your turn! Do you have any marriage advice for us today? Leave a comment, or link up the URL of your marriage post in the linky below!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more here.

The post Regaining Intimacy and Rebuilding Trust After a Porn Addiction appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 Mistakes I Made as a New Bride

Today frequent reader and contributor Ngina Otiende from Intentional Today joins us with her top 10 mistakes–in the hopes that we won’t follow in her footsteps! Her first book released  yesterday on Amazon, and I think Ngina’s stuff is awesome. So I asked her to guest post for me, so I could spread the word about Blues to Bliss.

As a new bride I didn’t know much about marriage, the man I married, or myself.

But I thought I knew a lot. 

After almost seven years of marriage, now I can smile at some of my naive expectations and thoughts. But back then it was no smiling matter. I was steeped in new bride blues, I had no grace to give myself or my husband. And I did not understand that good wives are made over time, not over night.

Here are Top 10 things I did as a new bride that set our marriage on edge (and how not to follow in my steps!)
1. Scrubbing our house down the day he went back to work

And proudly proclaiming “I scrubbed the house down..and my back is killing me!” when he walked through the doors in the evening.

What he heard?

“Your (former) bachelor pad is filthy and it’s your fault I am in so much pain”

No man wants to feel like they hurt their wife, especially not from the wife herself! Or that they are dirty.

Over the years I have learned that it’s not so much what I have to say but how I say it and when I say it.

2. Thinking our first fight was the end of our marriage

Before marriage I heard “In marriage, God will either see both of you or none of you” I interpreted that to mean that Tommy and I had to be in perfect agreement all the time – no conflict or issues, certainly not sulking and being mad at each other for days at a time. When we stumbled into blues-ville, God would leave, to return once we sorted out our issues.

I battled hopelessness and despair. I thought our little love would limp for the rest of its life (because divorce was never an option). And I was mad with Tommy for messing up our spiritual life!

Over time, God would show me that every couple has issues, even the brand new ones! In fact it’s our issues that make us need Him. He would never leave us or forsake us, but we had to make a conscious intentional decision to invite Him into our messes. We (let me say, I) also had to learn how to put our messes in His hands. And leave them there.

3. Fearing to seek help

You know how you get married and everyone thinks you are swinging from the chandelier in excitement, all day, every day? And if you happened to have received excellent premarital counseling from mentors, you feel awful about going back to them with issues because you reckon that’s like saying “Your advice and effort not work”.

Yup. I did not yet understand pre-wedding mentoring is advance preparation; it does not wipe out possibilities of marital challenges, it equips you to handle them.

Our mentors understood that challenges would come and they wanted us to consult them and not feel ashamed. Me, I needed to get over my pride and say “Er, I am having a hard time following this guy because I think he doesn’t like me anymore”

4. Forcing him to stay up late in the night to resolve conflict.

I was the in-your-face-we-can’t-sleep-till-we-talk-about-this new bride. My husband was the melancholic, conflict averse we-don’t-have-to-talk-about-this-now-or-ever new groom.To say that we had hot debates would be incorrect because many times I would be having hot debates all by myself, while he sat and brooded.

Especially when I elbowed him at 2 am in the morning with “I can’t sleep, we must talk!”

You can’t always iron out conflicts the first time you try. And since God is always interested in real peace, not fake peace that comes from sweeping things under the carpet or rushing through resolution to get back to your “nice Christian lives”, He doesn’t mind us working through challenges slowly, so we can get  to the bottom of things. He’s not worried or intimidated when it takes a couple of sittings – or days – to iron out the creases and crooks.

5. Ironing his clothes

On the week my husband returned to work, I ironed all his work shirts, polished his shoes and proudly pointed it out when he came home in the evening. I was so proud of myself.

My husband plucked everything from my hands, walked away and told me not do that again.

Husbands are different. I thought all good wives take care of their men in that way. But mine likes to pick his clothes, iron them, polish his shoes and generally take care of himself.

Now that I am slightly older in marriage, I am beyond grateful that my man likes to take care of himself like that! ‘Cause there are many who prefer to be helped in that area (and nothing wrong with that by the way). My lesson? Don’t import everything you hear, just because it works in someone else’s marriage doesn’t mean it will work in yours.

6. Thinking I had nothing to give

Because of our not-so-few-squabbles, I felt disqualified from helping others. I also felt the pressure to be perfect in order to mentor and walk with other courting couples, brides-to-be and newly-weds.

I would learn that  it’s my messy marriage that gave me a message, my hurts and lessons enabled me to empathize. Without experiential lessons, I would be an empty gong; trying to take others where I had never been.

Now I know that early marriage adjustments and challenges are good because they keep you on your knees and make of you an effective messenger of God’s love.

7. Worrying about disappointing others

Not too long in marriage someone came to me and told me she’d heard my husband and I were very unhappy. And this person was so disappointed because “If she (Ngina) had waited so well and yet ended up in an unhappy marriage, then marriage is no good at all”.

I was shocked that someone imagined I was miserable. Why? Was it that time I cried during worship? Is it the way I am wearing my hair, do I look unhappy? If others think we are unhappy, are we unhappy? We don’t agree on everything, does that mean we should always agree? She’s a single person, what other singles have I disappointed, how will this affect them for the rest of their life? 

I was an irrational mess.

Marriage is not perfect. Ours was not, still isn’t, perfect. Though we get better, you never really eliminate challenges.Fortunately the only person we need to be doing marriage for is God. He’s the Author–our happiness and joy and impacting others is a result of living for Him and doing marriage His way.

My lesson? Don’t take responsibility for other peoples’ opinions and disappointments, even their joy!

8. Making my husband the source of my happiness

I don’t know how we stumble into this idea as new brides. But somewhere between the glories of a courtship filled with chivalry and sweetness and the crescendo of the engagement and a wedding, we start imagining that our husbands are responsible for our happiness and joy. We are crushed when they disappoint (because they do at about Week 1 of marriage).

We start wondering if we made a mistake and how to correct it. I learned quickly  that I married a fellow human being. If I wanted happiness and joy, I had to go get it myself!–from God, not from a human being. Tommy was, still is, the most amazing man, but He cannot supply what I need to get from God. I have to remove that impossible expectation on him and look to God to meet all my needs.

9. Having no life outside “us”

I had just resigned my job of 7 years, I had nothing going on in terms of a career. I  “lost” 99.9% of my friends when I got married. I was broke. And I was a newlywed! (isn’t that why we get married anyway, to have a forever best friend?!). But while Tommy was the greatest guy and the best gift that ever happened to me since Jesus, he made for a terrible girlfriend. And the sad thing was, he was not even trying to improve. I had high expectations, but over time I would learn that I need other women in my life–I need activities. I need to cultivate  passions and goals outside my marriage–not to compete with my marriage, but so I could be balanced and purpose-filled.

10. Expecting great sex without intentional involvement 

I expected my husband to know how to make the bedroom exciting without my involvement. “He’s the guy; he knows how to make things work.” I was a passive new bride. And it made for disappointments before I started making serious mental adjustments.

Guys like to know what is working and not working in the bedroom–not in harsh critical ways, mind you, but through loving practical feedback. When they operate in the blind, they tend to give their wives what they think they need. And that’s not always a good thing.

The wise bride learns (and the emphasis here is learns) to speak and communicate and respond to her husband, not lie back and expect fireworks without effort.

Ngina Otiende is the author of the newly released book, “Blues to Bliss: Creating Your Happily-ever-after in the Early Years“. In the book she talks about her early marriage challenges and how God transformed their relationship through intentional effort and grace.  Ngina blogs at IntentionalToday.com where she equips the early-wed wife with tools and resources to create intentional happily-ever afters. Connect with Ngina on Facebook, and Pinterest 

The post Top 10 Mistakes I Made as a New Bride appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Reader Question: I’m Not Attracted to My Boyfriend

Can you marry your boyfriend if you’re not attracted to him?

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. This week’s question is a doozy, and I’m going to need a lot of input from you, my readers.

A reader writes:

I’ve been dating a guy who’s my best friend for two years – he loves me, and wants to marry me as soon as possible, and is definitely physically attracted to me. I love him deeply in a care for him sense, in a trust him sense, in a he’d be the greatest dad sense. But he’s short and fat and sweaty and I can’t, I can’t imagine being into him sexually. Even kissing sometimes is good, but frequently repels me. I’m a virgin with no other experience at all (and frankly with little natural interest in sex most times, anyway). Is there…what on earth can I do? I can’t bear to break his heart, but I don’t want to forever resent that he isn’t even in shape and he’s 25….

Oh, wow. That’s one I’m not sure I even have an answer for! And this likely falls into the category, there isn’t a definite answer, and you have to ask God and just feel right about it. The answer could be different for different people.

So I just want to give a few thoughts, that may be a little contradictory, but which hopefully raise a bunch of things to consider as you pray/think through this.

Sex is an intrinsic part of marriage. When you marry, you have to commit to having regular, enthusiastic sex.

Seriously. Anything else just isn’t fair to the person you’re marrying. If you’re thinking to yourself, “well, I’ll agree to have sex once or twice a week, but I don’t think I’ll ever enjoy it, and I’ll have to grin and bear it”, I just don’t think that’s fair to the guy. So much of a guy’s self-esteem comes from knowing that he can bring pleasure to his wife–not just that she “lets” him have sex with her. It’s when it’s a mutual thing that he feels like a man. If him touching you repulses you, that’s not a good thing.

Sex is more than physical

At the same time, sex is more than physical. For most couples, those butterfly, intense attraction feelings fade after a year or two. What you’re left with is a deeper love that’s based on companionship and togetherness, and that can actually make sex more intense. It’s not just hormonal; it’s actually based on a deep and abiding love.

And when you do totally love someone, that vulnerability that you share with them becomes sexy. Having someone that knows you that well becomes sexy. And being able to explore and figure out how he can make you feel great (which is possible even if he’s bigger), can leave a woman very sexually satisfied. Many women, for instance, marry guys who are trim and slim, and ten years later end up with someone who is very overweight. But you can find a way to make the marriage work, even if you aren’t as attracted to your husband anymore.

This is an extreme example, and perhaps one I shouldn’t bring up because of the controversy, but I do think it fits. I have known one couple who married where he was homosexual and she was heterosexual. Yet he found that he was attracted to her–just not to any other women. God helped him to channel his desire to her, even though she wasn’t what he normally found attractive. And their sex life worked because it was based on this deep emotional connection.

My concern, though, is that this secondary attraction–the one that is based on love and companionship more than just raw hormones–should likely have kicked in by now. If you were going to be able to be attracted to him based on his good character qualities, I would have thought that you would have felt it already.

Settling in marriage hurts everybody

It sounds from the letter that you’re around 25 years old. That’s still pretty young. Marrying someone because you feel like you “owe” him since you’ve been so close for so long, and you can’t bear to break his heart, could easily do more harm in the long run. Yes, it would be devastating to break up now, but if you married him, would you always yearn for something else? Would you always feel like you had settled? Would you always secretly wish there was something else for you?

If you think that, and then you face a tragedy together or some stressful times, those thoughts will be magnified tenfold. And he will sense them. You’ll be chronically unhappy, and he will feel like a failure.

When you marry, you have to be prepared to love and embrace wholeheartedly. I do believe that this is possible to do without a lot of sexual attraction; I’m not sure it’s possible if he actually repels you. There’s a difference between being neutral and being a net negative.

If you really can’t picture marrying him, I think it’s better to break it off sooner rather than later. If you keep waiting for those feelings to find you, you’re keeping him from finding another woman, and you’re keeping yourself from finding another man.

Let’s be realistic about finding a marriage partner

One last thought: let’s be realistic when we are looking for who to marry. People tend to marry someone of similar attractiveness. So I don’t mean to be offensive here, but if you’re waiting for a Brad Pitt (and I’m not saying our letter writer is), but you yourself are no Angelina Jolie, then perhaps you need to be more realistic. There are things other than looks that are important, and if we’re too picky about who makes a good mate, and if we judge solely on looks, then we may paint ourselves into a corner.

Attraction is a hard thing to define. It is certainly partially hormonal and almost animal, so that the thinking part of our brains play little part. But it is not entirely that. When we choose what we want to find attractive, quite often we can overcome physical shortcomings if the other things are important enough to us.

So that’s my answer. I guess I’m going back and forth on this one a lot, because I’m not sure there is a definitive answer!

But I’m hoping my readers can chime in (you all gave such great feedback on the wedding ring controversy last week!).  Were you always attracted to your husband? How important is attraction? Let us know in the comments!

Leading up to Valentine’s Day I’ll have challenges on my Facebook Page for you to do to keep the romance in your marriage! And don’t forget–it’s a great time to start 31 Days to Great Sex! Check back in on Facebook for lots of happenings this month.

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

The post Reader Question: I’m Not Attracted to My Boyfriend appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

A LifeLong Love with Giveaway

This year on the blog I challenged everybody to read one book a month–that’s 12 books over the year–to boost your marriage. Every month we have a different topic (next month is sex! ), and hopefully it will help you all to get a new perspective on how to grow your relationship. (Check out all of the subjects for each month here!)

For January I gave you all a choice of three books–A Lifelong Love by Gary Thomas, The Story of Marriage by John and Lisa Bevere, and Love & War by John and Stasi Eldredge. I’m so thrilled so many of you took me up on the challenge, and today I want to share some of the gems I learned from A Lifelong Love–and then leave you with a giveaway!

And bonus–I just realized that Gary’s publisher put the ereader version of A Lifelong Love on sale this week! That wasn’t even planned. So you can pick it up on Kindle or Nook, etc., for only $3.82!

Gary Thomas always takes you to the feet of Jesus. When I read his book The Sacred Search, about finding a mate, the thing that stuck with me the most is that in looking for a spouse, as in everything else in life, Matthew 6:33 must be our guiding verse:

But seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and then all these things shall be added to you.

In A Lifelong Love Gary shows how to live this out once we’re married.

I write about marriage all the time, but sometimes I reread what I’ve said and I worry that it’s missing something. It’s not that I don’t agree with what I’ve written; it’s just that it’s all so practical. I’m usually talking to people about how to solve specific problems; and so I give them specific steps. But Gary reminds me, and us, that in everything, it’s all about what we’re doing for God. It’s all about our attitude about Jesus. And our marriages are about far more than our feelings.

Ironically, when we realize that, we can find true marital bliss.

Gary’s book takes you to the feet of Jesus. It’s divided into three parts: The Magnificent Obsession (remembering that the mission of our marriage, just like everything else, is pleasing God; Growing Together, or how to overcome significant hardships in your marriage; and The Journey Toward Love, or how to live out a real oneness with your husband.

I felt this book would be perfect for our January entry of Setting the Foundation, because if we get this “magnificent obsession” right from the beginning of the year–that God needs to be the centre of our focus, our aim, and our worship–then the rest of marriage will fall much more easily into place.

If I could sum up what Gary says, it would be this:

“A good marriage isn’t something you find; it’s something you make.” (click to tweet)

I can’t sum up the entire book, but what I would like to do is give you three snapshots, one from every section, that meant a lot to me. And I’ll be adding other thoughts on my Facebook Page to give you fodder to think throughout the weekend, so do stay tuned there!

God desperately cares about how you treat his son

The night before Gary married his wife Lisa, Lisa’s dad broke down in tears and said to him, “I don’t have to worry about Lisa. She’s found a guy who will take care of her. She’s going to be okay.”

And he was so relieved.

Now that I have a daughter getting married I totally get it. You pray so hard for your kids to find someone who will cherish them, and treat them well, and serve God with them. And when they find that person, you relax so much!

And one day Gary realized that just as Lisa’s earthly dad was so concerned about her happiness and well-being in marriage, so her heavenly father was, too. God wasn’t just Gary’s father; God was also Gary’s Father-in-Law. And how he treated God’s daughter desperately mattered to God.

So Gary turns that question back on us: what if one of the singular best services that you can give to God in this life is to love your husband? Even if he isn’t always loving back. Even if he’s difficult. Even if he doesn’t understand your love language, doesn’t get your personality, doesn’t love sharing his heart.

Gary tells the story of one mom of five who is exhausted and complaining about her husband–and feeling so distant that they rarely make love. She has reason to feel ticked off. But he asks her, “how would you feel if one day your son grew up and married a woman who treated him just like you are treating your husband?” The question floored her.

So let me ask you who are moms that same question: how would you feel if your son grew up and married a woman who treated him the same way you treat your husband right now?

That question has made me refocus my evenings with my husband. I want to make sure that when he gets home from work and we have some time to spend together that he knows I’m glad he’s home. That he knows I waited for him all day. That he knows there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.

Gary talks about how loving like this IS hard–but it’s what draws us into God’s arms and what grows our own spiritual dependence. And God does notice your acts of love, even if your husband doesn’t. And there will be a reward for those acts, even if you don’t see them on this side of heaven.

Be careful of power imbalances in marriage

In the second section of the book Gary gets practical about the really difficult seasons in marriage–what it’s like to be in a lonely marriage, and how to overcome that.

I appreciated his emphasis on the idea that marriage IS a battle–but it shouldn’t be a battle we fight against each other. It should be a battle we fight WITH each other. Together we form a team that God uses to transform the world. When we see that–that we are part of this epic struggle and epic story that God is waging and writing, then marriage has a deeper purpose. Indeed, that idea that there is a bigger story behind our marriage than just whether we feel loved is the key theme in all three of the books I chose for this month. Think of you and your husband on the same team, fighting for God to transform this world, rather than on opposing teams bashing each other.

In fact, this idea–that we should be on the same side engaged in the fight together, can truly transform marriages because it gives you a sense of purpose.

Nevertheless, sometimes we do feel on opposing teams, and Gary outlines how this often manifests in power imbalances. These occur when one spouse appears to care more for and is fighting more for the marriage than the other.

Here’s an example: when dating, the guy woos you and dates you and is romantic, but once you’re married all he wants is sex. The romance seems to end. And she feels lonely.

Or when the baby comes, she becomes all tied up in being a mom, and the husband feels left out.

Here’s the danger of power struggles that women need to understand. Gary writes: “One thing I’ve learned about men: if we don’t think we can win, we usually won’t even compete; we just start focusing elsewhere.”

And so you drift. And the biggest sign that power imbalances are causing one or both of you to check out of the marriage? your social circles become distinct and separate. You start confiding in and hanging out with people your spouse doesn’t even really know.

Fight against the drift. Remember that marriage must be something intentional, so that when we feel ourselves drifting, or when we notice our spouse starting to check out, we don’t just get mad. We do something to rebuild intimacy.

Gary says, “When couples say “I do” on their wedding days, I wish they’d add, “and I will, every day of our lives.” “

Love isn’t a feeling. It’s something that you are intentional about. It’s not about being “in love”–it’s about practising love.

How can I bless you?–not How can I get my needs met?

Here’s where the rubber hits the road, where the real heart attitude shows itself. In your interactions with your husband, what is your motivation? Is it to get your needs met? Or is to bless him? Gary urges us to keep our eyes on how we can love. What if the greatest lesson you can have on this earth is not how to find love but how to love? When we learn to love, we become more Christlike. We’re transformed into the likeness of God’s son (Romans 8:29). We grow.

And so when you are at a standstill in your marriage, ask yourself, “what can I do to bless my husband?” And start doing! When we act love we feel love. I know you’ve heard this all the time, but it is real. Why is it that you feel so attached to your kids (those of you who are moms). Have you ever read a story about a horribly neglectful mother and said to yourself, “How could anyone do that to their child?” But it isn’t that hard if you haven’t acted love. When you get out of bed in the middle of the night repeatedly to soothe a child; when you give up your own time to spend with a child; when you spend hours on homework and wiping dirty noses, you are so invested that you feel those loving feelings.

When you don’t invest time and energy, the feelings aren’t there.

So how do you bless your husband?

I really appreciated one example Gary gave that is something I say repeatedly here, too. Blessing your husband means you care about his ultimate good–not just about his feelings. So he gives the example of a woman who throws away her husband’s stash of porn against his wishes. A woman who wants to bless her husband will not allow him to do something that will harm their intimacy and his relationship with God. He won’t enable sin.

But it’s our attitude her that matters. When you confront your husband, are you doing so because you want your own needs met? Or are you honestly looking after his own interests? The result may be the same, but the heart attitude dictates how the whole interaction feels. And the heart attitude is what brings God into the picture.

I appreciate Gary Thomas so much, and I know this book will help you see your husband and your marriage in a whole new way, pointing you to Jesus. A Lifelong Love is only $3.82 on Kindle right now–a huge sale! So pick it up today.

I’ll be announcing February’s books next week, but just a heads up: they’re about sex! And we’re going to have fun!

But today I want to leave you with a giveaway, featuring many of the books that I’ve talked about this month on the blog. You can win one of 9 prizes of:

One prize of: A Lifelong Love, The Story of Marriage, Love and War, and Choosing Him All Over Again

Two prizes of: A Lifelong Love

Two prizes of: The Story of Marriage

Two prizes of: Love and War

Two prizes of: Choosing Him All Over Again

Just enter the Rafflecopter below to win! Remember: you get 5 entries if you leave a blog post comment with a question you’d like Gary to answer! I’ll send the top 5 questions his way and ask him to respond on Facebook!

I’ll draw the winners next Wednesday night at midnight EST, and then announce them on Thursday when we do our next marriage challenge post.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Some other bloggers have taken up the challenge to read and review some of my picks as well!

Check out Mom’s Morning Coffee with her look at Setting the Right Foundation, too.



(If you’re a blogger who has also reviewed some of these books, leave a link in the comments. If I get enough of you, I’ll start a Linky next month!)

The post A LifeLong Love with Giveaway appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Are We Expecting the Impossible in Marriage?

Are your expectations in marriage impossible to achieve?

Recently I was going through some older posts that most of you will not have seen, and I came across this one about having sky-high marriage expectations. I thought it was worth re-running today.

You may have heard it said before that “the enemy of the best is the good”. The French philosopher Voltaire made it famous (though he said it in French!), and it caught on because it’s so true. Often we get so caught up doing good things that we miss the best. We miss our priorities.

But that being said, I think the reverse can also be true.

Sometimes the best is the enemy of the good.

When the best is more a fairy-tale ideal than a reality, then it can become the enemy of making any kind of real progress. The best can actually be a hindrance to your marriage.

Allow me to use an analogy that doesn’t have to do with marriage first to show you what I mean. A while back I caused a ruckus in the comments section of this blog because I insinuated that there were things that women could do to reduce the chance of sexual assault, and we should teach these to our daughters. I never said that we could eliminate rape (because we can’t)–but I said that we could reduce it.

People kept taking issue with me, so I kept writing follow-up posts, and the comments grew worse and worse. One commenter really summed up the other side perfectly. She said (and I paraphrase):

Women should be able to wear whatever they want and go wherever they want. You should be talking to the men, not to the women!

She was a little ruder than that, but I’ll leave out the colorful language.

What a strange comment, though. OF COURSE women should be able to wear what they want and do what they want without getting raped. We should live in a world where there is no abuse, no rape, no children in poverty, no wars, and no violence. But we don’t live in that world. And since we don’t, what steps can we take to protect ourselves?

They were focusing so much on what SHOULD be that they refused to acknowledge that there were any steps you could take to make our present life, the one we are living in right now, even the least bit better.

It was all or nothing.

Have you ever felt that way about your marriage? I once knew a woman who eventually left her husband, who explained it to me this way:

God created marriage to be a joining of two human beings–an institution where we’re able to communicate, and love, and respect, and share ideas and share vision and purpose. He created marriage to build us up, not to tear us down. He created marriage to be part of our fulfillment, not part of our destruction. My husband didn’t know how to communicate. He never listened to me. He never talked to me; he only ever talked past me. He used sex just to satisfy himself. In other words, it wasn’t actually a marriage. And so I ended it.

I have no doubt that her marriage was extremely difficult, but do you see the problem with her position? She was saying that because her marriage was not one in which two individuals were completely joined, it was thus not a marriage. God intended marriage to be fulfilling; it was not, therefore the argument about whether one had biblical grounds to divorce was moot because this wasn’t even marriage!

Her argument is flawed, because while God said marriage should be like this, He never invalidated marriages that were not like that. Indeed, in Corinthians Paul even tells women married to men who aren’t Christians to stay if they can–and these marriages are obviously not a complete joining of minds and ideals.

This woman was looking for the best in her marriage; she didn’t find it, so therefore she invalidated everything else.

Many of us enter marriage with similar thoughts. Marriage SHOULD be a place where we can completely bear our souls. Marriage SHOULD be a place where we are unconditionally cherished. Marriage SHOULD be a place where we find our best friend. Then, when the should doesn’t happen, we give up. We have expectations in marriage about how things SHOULD be, and we can’t settle for second best. We don’t look at little changes that we could make to grow the marriage, or to grow our communication, because we figure that he is just hopeless. He’s so out of touch with what a husband should be, that growth is well nigh impossible.

None of us is perfect, though, and I think we need a different strategy. If your husband isn’t a good communicator, or sulks constantly, or watches too much TV (or plays too many video games), or never spends any time with the kids, that doesn’t invalidate your marriage, and it doesn’t mean that things can’t get better. After all, by staying away from drunken parties, girls can drastically reduce their risk of date rape. Similarly, by learning new communication techniques, you can drastically reduce your risk of growing apart and ending the relationship. You can do things to move in the right direction, even if those things won’t give you 100% change. They can still make your life significantly better.

Now, in some cases no matter what you do you can’t rescue a marriage. You can’t stop an abusive man from hitting you just by learning to be nicer or not pushing his buttons. You can’t stop a porn addict from using porn, and these things do need to be confronted. But in most marriages it’s not these huge issues that bring us down. It’s disappointments in the day-to-day.

What I would suggest, then, is that we stop focusing on our ideal expectations for marriage, and we start looking at what we can do to make things better.

In other words, quit focusing so much on the destination, and focus instead on the direction. Move forward, even if it’s slowly, and you will eventually get there. Focus so much on the finish line, and how far it is away from your current position, and you can quickly lose heart.

This applies to aspects of marriage, too. I was at a place in our marriage once where everything was going really well–except sex. It’s not that it was horrible; it just wasn’t what it was supposed to be, according to the media and all the sermons I heard about how God created sex to be wonderful. For a few years, I gave up. It’s not that we didn’t make love; it’s just that my attitude was one of: “this just isn’t for me. It’s all for him, and I’ll just get through it.” I believed that if sex wasn’t the ideal, then I had been cheated, and there was no point in even trying.

It was only when I had an attitude shift where I started to ask whether I could believe that it could get better–even if it was slowly. When I made the mental shift, then the way I acted also changed.

Whether it’s in your marriage as a whole or in individual parts of your marriage, don’t give up because you haven’t reached the ideal.

Ask God to help you make baby steps, because those steps can add up! Ask Him to give you a new heart to grow, even if it’s slowly, because moving in the right direction gives you a new attitude or outlook on your marriage which is so much more energizing.

Whatever you do, don’t let the best become an enemy of that real, helpful change.

Tomorrow I’m going to be reviewing Gary Thomas’ book A Lifelong Love, our January entry in the Ultimate Marriage Reading Challenge. It has a wonderful perspective on how to handle a marriage that isn’t the best, and I’m so looking forward to sharing it with you!

The post Are We Expecting the Impossible in Marriage? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Wifey Wednesday: 3 Keys to a Great Date Night

What makes a perfect date night?

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can comment or link up in the linky below.

And today, Cassie Celestain from True Agape is joining us to talk about the 3 keys to a perfect date night. She’s the author of Creating True Agape: 20 At Home Dates.

It is time for a date night! Probably long overdue, but you have finally put your foot down to make a date happen. Seeing how it has been a while since you and your husband have had alone time your mind is spinning about with all the possibilities. This does happen to you too, right? Please tell me I am not alone!

My husband, Ryan, and I keep tight schedules. Between his day job, motivational speaking on the side, working towards becoming a professional triathlete and our marriage blog, True Agape we stay busy. Oh and I almost forgot…our 6 month old! Since my primary Love Language is Quality Time I could take a date night once a week, but that just doesn’t happen. Instead, we opt in to have dinner together every night to ensure we connect daily, but then have a date every few weeks.

When we align everything up just perfectly (a few weeks ahead of time, of course) to have a date I have such a hard time deciding what kind of date we should do. Movie? Fancy restaurant? Double date? Shopping? Cuddle at home? Sex session? Bike ride? There are just so many options! I do believe, however, you can choose the wrong date. Dates should be chosen with a purpose in mind.

Why dates with a purpose?

With anything else in our lives when we want a certain outcome we plan accordingly to get there. We want to run a 5k so we start a training program. We want chicken lasagna for dinner so we find a recipe and shop for ingredients. For an end result, we have to prepare.

Dates are the same way! At the end of the date do you as a couple need to be relaxed, have reevaluated goals, connected intimately, or just have had a little fun and variety? Think about what end result you would like, then consider what kind of dates have the best odds to get you there.

3 tips for choosing the right date
Know Each Other’s Love Languages

I think knowing each other’s Love Language is not only important for date planning, but vital for marriages in general! There are three ways to find out your husband’s Love Language. When you know your mates Love Language you know how he feels loved the most. You can then take this into consideration when planning your time together. Choosing a date highlighting your Love Languages will make you two feel more connected and appreciated at the end of your date.

Ryan’s primary Love Language is Words of Affirmations closely followed by Physical Touch. When he needs his love tank filled we will often do dinner and something that helps us to connect physically. Dinner without baby allows us to check in with each other on our goals and projects which gives me opportunities to praise his efforts. Then, we cuddle at home while we watch a movie or do an at home spa night. When I feel like we need to connect I prefer one on one time. I enjoy dates where Ryan’s full attention is on us and what we are doing.

Know Each Other’s Current Needs

Sometimes when a date time comes around we know that as a couple we need time together. Really examine why you feel like that. Is it for the need to connect by communication? Really getting to talk other than day to day to-do’s? Or do you know your guys is having a stressful time at work and could use a fun outing? Maybe it’s the fact that your sex has been interrupted by little ones several times. Now you have the chance to seduce your man for as long as the two of you want! When starting to plan your date be aware of both of your needs.

With our little one just 6 month old we have been adjusting to the lifestyle of parenthood. That comes with responsibilities of caring for someone else’s life. Although it is an adventure every day we needed a different kind of adventure! We wanted to get out, have fun and not have to worry about much. We sent the baby off for her first overnight stay with grandma and decided to play laser tag. A carefree date night was just the kind of outing we needed!

Know Your Circumstances

When you know the circumstances and keep them in mind you have better odds of planning a date that will be enjoyable. If your goal is to stick to a budget going out to a fancy place unplanned could cause stress or tension. If your sitter needs to be gone the same time the movie would finish that probably is not be the best choice. If you both have been on the go a lot going out might not be as pleasant as a date night at home. Be sure to take circumstances like time, money and energy into account.

On the same date night mentioned above we decided to go a little date crazy. It was our first night without the baby and we planned to take full advantage of the evening! Our plan was laser tag, a movie, dinner and some intimate time. Talk about a busy evening. But it was all going to work perfectly until our planned movie time was sold out. We were trying to decide if we would watch the movie at a later play time or just skip it. In the end we decided to skip it. We were looking forward to sometime in the bedroom without fear of waking the baby. Along with a nice long night of sleep, of course! Going to the later showing would have put a hamper on those parts of the plan.

With our busy schedule often times our parents help us by watching our baby when we have business appointments or travels. When the times arise that they can watch our girl for us to go on a date Ryan and I have to make sure we are choosing the best date. We plan a date with a purpose by keeping in mind our Love Languages, needs and circumstances. At the end of our dates we feel more connected and rejuvenated. We’re encouraged to continue being each other’s help mate to the best of our abilities. And we are left looking forward to the next date night we have together!

What tips can you share that help you choose the right date night?

 

Cassie Celestain is a wife, mom, runner and a marriage and family blogger at TrueAgape. She believes respect, trust, understanding and willingness creates happy marriages and families. She strives to keep those things the main focus in her daily life and wants to challenge others to do the same. You can get her free 6 page guide “The Secret to Making your Husband Feel Loved”now.

 

Want to date with a purpose? Cassie’s book Creating True Agape gives you 20 at home date ideas for you and your hubby! They get you talking, get you dreaming, and get you in the mood! Great ideas and printables for all kinds of meaningful nights you can have right in your own home–without having to hire a baby-sitter. Keep connected in your marriage this year. Check it out!

Now it’s your turn! What marriage advice do you have for us? Just link up the URL of your own marriage post in the linky below. And be sure to link back here so that other people can read these great marriage posts!

31 Days to Great Sex is here (only $4.99!) It's the best $5 you'll ever spend on your marriage!

Learn to talk more, flirt more, and even explore more! You'll work on how to connect emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.

Find out more here.

The post Wifey Wednesday: 3 Keys to a Great Date Night appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 Questions Teens Ask About Sex

Teens will invariably ask questions about sex. Are you prepared?



Today on Top 10 Tuesday guest poster Rajdeep Paulus joins us to share the questions she’s had from her teens about sex! Personally, the worst question I had was from my daughter Katie, who wanted to know, “How long does he have to leave it in for?” Let’s just say conversations are often awkward–but it’s so important to leave the lines of communication open! Here’s Raj:

I’m a big advocate of communication when it comes to parenting, and when you come from a culture that didn’t talk about certain things, and you look back and wonder if things had been different if you had talked about the tougher topics with your parents, there’s one thing you can do about it. Change things when it comes to talking to your own children. And I think most parents would agree that they’d rather have their teens ask them then go to their peers or some on line website that might not tell the whole story or tell our kids how to put the delicate information in context of God’s plan for their sexuality. It’s a much more complicated topic than just abstinence vs. experimenting, and our teens need to hear the truth from us, well before they enter serious dating relationships and move forward to wedding days. I’m blessed to have a great relationship with my girls at this point, and they seem comfortable enough to talk to me about things. I tease them every once in awhile about who they have a crush on, and they all know that mom chased down a boy in fourth grade and kissed him, so they know mom’s not someone who doesn’t “get it,” sort-a-speak.

Here are the questions that have come up in the last few years with my firstborn who is now fourteen. Usually after we’ve had some heart to heart about something else. Often when we’re driving somewhere. And always when it’s just the two of us.

The First Ten Questions Your Teen Might Ask About Sex

1. What does it mean “to try?”

When my teen was a tween, she overheard hubby and I chatting with newlywed friends of ours that were trying to start a family. When the kids streamed into the living room, we began to talk in code and assumed the kids weren’t paying attention. Until later when my then eleven-year old asked me, “What did Uncle J. and Aunty M. mean when they said, ‘They were trying to have a baby?’”

I took a deep breath, knowing that my response could end the conversation or open up the door to many more questions. “What are you really asking? What do you want to know?”

And then she said, “Well, what does it mean to try?”

And then we had our first conversation that involved a lot of pauses and, “Does that make sense?” and “What else do you want to know?”

2. Do you have to take off all your clothes?

I thought this was a cute question. I still recall this walk hubby and I took on Devon Street in Chicago a week before our wedding. We were buying garlands and found some nice ones that looked like they were made of real flowers, and Sun turned to me while holding the garland in the air and said, “Can’t wait for our wedding night when this is all you’ll be wearing,” and I nearly fainted with shock. He was thinking about it. Me. Without clothes on. And I went home and cried, because I didn’t love my body, and it just hit me that he would see it. So as a mom who understands that self-image and self-love are important, I try my best to encourage my girls and help them to love their bodies the way God created them so when it’s their time, they won’t be ashamed or afraid like I was.

3. His what goes where? Is there any other way? I mean, it seems so weird. Complicated. Did I mention weird?

I think it’s good to acknowledge that the puzzle piece aspect is both weird and wonderful. And it’s normal to think the whole thing is cu-razy weird when you first hear about it. I recounted my own personal reaction when I first learned about sex in Health class. We had some laughs. And then I reminded her that acceptance and celebration comes with age and maturity and security in a strong marriage.

4. Why do they call it “safe” sex?

I think that’s a good question too. There’s nothing safe about an act that will forever change your mental, emotional, and physical world. I think it’s the furthest thing from safe, and that’s why it’s so special and not to be dealt with or decided lightly. I think that’s all the more affirmation that God created this act for married people. That’s the safest place to learn and enjoy intimacy.

5. Should I close my eyes?

Funny how we often close our eyes when we kiss. But it’s up to each person to know how they want to experience things. And I encouraged her to try things both ways, with her eyes closed and open. With the lights on and lights off. With music and without. There’s something to variety that spices things up and when it’s her turn, I want her to know there’s room for creativity. God made us creative for a reason.

6. Will it hurt?

That’s something I think more teens and young newlyweds need to understand. That it could very well hurt, but there are also ways to keep it from hurting or hurt less. And it’s okay if your kids want to talk about things with a physician. And the knowledge of real truth can also keep teens from rushing into things knowing that it’s not all easy under the sheets like Hollywood often portrays it. Conversations are important to have, closer to the wedding date, in my opinion.

7. Why do all the kids at school giggle when someone says the number 69?

Yep. This came up. And we talked about it. Position and all that fun stuff. But we also touched on how sex-obsessed our culture is and how the exploration and experiencing of things out of place of God’s timing leads to a lot more than heartache. I know of couples who were actually “bored” on their honeymoon. And I always refer back to the picture my best friend gave me close to my own wedding day: sex is like a beautiful garden surrounded by the fence of marriage. You can steal touches and moments by reaching past the fence, but shameless pleasure and wonder comes after you say your vows, unlock the fence and roam the garden freely.

8. What if I just want to stick to just kissing? Is that an option?

That’s the beauty of marriage and communicating and as days and weeks, months and years go by, you learn that not every night is a night to “sleep” together. Some nights are a time to just snuggle and fall asleep in each other’s arms. ☺

9. What if I don’t like sex?

I was very honest with her when she asked this. I said, “At first you might not, but some day, when you figure out how your body works, I promise you, you will!” Hopefully. But there are no guarantees. But if things go as they should, it could go amazingly, but it’s like every great relationship, you learn together, grow together, and grow in your love for each other as God gives you time and patience with each other.

10. Does this mean you and Dad…?

Don’t answer that.

What did I miss? And you and your kids? What kind of questions have come up?

UPDATE: After Raj wrote this, she and her husband learned that he’s been diagnosed with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, a serious heart condition. She’s just asking people to pray for her husband, and for peace for her and her family. Thank you! I know she’d appreciate some kind words in the comments, too, to say that you did pray for her.

Rajdeep Paulus studied English Literature at Northwestern University, and spent over a decade as an English Teacher and SAT Tutor, during which she married her best friend from Chicago whom she then followed to the island of Dominica where he began medical school. Fourteen years, four daughters, and a little house on a hill in the quaint town of Locust Valley, New York later, she now blogs weekly and writes masala-marinated, Y.A. fiction.When Raj is not tapping on her Mac, you can find her dancing with her princesses, kayaking with her hubs, coaching basketball or eating dark chocolate while sipping a frothy, sugar-free latte. She blogs at www.insearchofwaterfalls.com and secretly hopes someday she’ll own a laptop that functions under water.

And check out her first YA Novel: Swimming Through Clouds! Sheila reviewed it here.  The sequel is and Seeing Through Stones.

The post Top 10 Questions Teens Ask About Sex appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.