Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 194

December 30, 2014

Top 10 Posts of 2014

Top 10 Posts of 2014 from To Love, Honor and Vacuum (a blog about marriage, sex, and God!)


The new year is almost here!


Last week I shared the Top 10 “Top 10 Tuesday” posts of 2014. Today I thought I’d share the Top 10 posts overall on this blog for 2014.


Some were written this year; and some are still popular years later.


And the most popular post of all time wasn’t even written by me!


Here they are:


Why Do Teenagers Rebel? A 19-year-old explains how it doesn't HAVE to happen! 1. Why I Didn’t Rebel

From 2014


My 19-year-old daughter wrote this post in 15 minutes when she was bored in stats class, and it’s been read over a half million times this year. Wow!


She shares what she thinks my husband and I did to create a family atmosphere where rebellion was less likely to happen. Of course, there are no guarantees, but there are trends. And this is what she’s come up with.


50 Best Bible Verses to Memorize 2. 50 Most Important Bible Verses to Memorize

From 2011


I wrote this list up three years ago, and it’s gone crazy since!


If you’ve ever wanted to memorize more Bible verses, but you don’t know where to start, this can help. And it’s a great time of year to jump in! One verse a week in 2015–with 2 weeks off. You can do it!


Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband 3. Stocking Stuffers for Your Husband

From 2012


Back in 2012 I thought it would be a good idea to come up with some stocking stuffer ideas for men.


Since then, I keep updating it with ideas that readers send me or with neat things I see on Amazon.


If you didn’t use it this Christmas, pin it for next Christmas! Some neat stuff in there…


16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband 4. 16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

From 2012


Flirting never gets old!


But a marriage without flirting gets stale really fast.


Check out these ideas, which were originally part of my 29 Days to Great Sex series!


Why Doesn't My Husband Want to Make Love? 5. My Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love

From 2012


When I wrote my 29 Days to Great Sex series, I had a number of readers say, “I’d love to try this, but my husband never wants sex!” So I wrote a follow-up series on what to do when your husband has no sex drive.


And now that series has become one of the most popular on the blog. In fact, many people who read this blog arrived here with exactly that problem.


You can start reading that 4-part series  here.


The Effects of Porn--a Must Read! 6. The Top 10 Effects of Porn on Your Marriage

From 2014


Here’s another post that was actually written in 2014! And it kind of goes along with the above post about men losing their libido.


It’s all interconnected.


Check out what porn does. It’s not harmless, and we need to spread the word!


And remember: If you sign up with Covenant Eyes before midnight on December 31, you’ll get 2 months of protection online free! It’s accountability and filtering (if you choose to use the filtering). Protect your kids, and keep temptation at bay for the adults in the house, too.


You’ll get the two months automatically if you follow this link, but you can also use the code TLHV if you’re logging on later! Or tell other people about the TLHV promo code–it’s only available until tomorrow at midnight!


Covenant Eyes


How to Initiate Sex with Your Husband--witout feeling awkward 7. Top 10 Tips on Initiating Sex

From 2014


My third (and last) post to make the list from 2014!


How to initiate sex–what to do, what not to do, and why it doesn’t have to be intimidating.


But it does make a difference in your marriage!


7 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage 8. 7 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage

From 2013


It’s nice to see this post on the list, since I just finished the manuscript for my book based on it–9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.


That book will be out in August.


But if you want to see the themes, a lot of them are right here!


25 Funny But True Marriage Tips for a Long and Happy Life Together 9. 25 Marriage Tips

From 2010


Some fun and short tips to keep your marriage happy!


This was originally a column I wrote for our local paper, but it’s gone a little viral since.


So fun!


50BestMarriageQuotes 10. Best Marriage Quotes of 2011

From 2012


So funny that this is still on the list in 2014! But here are some great marriage thoughts from marriage bloggers around the web–including me!


Have a great new year, everyone!



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Published on December 30, 2014 04:22

December 29, 2014

The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle Flash Sale!


Just Two Days Only…It’s Here!

With the new year, many of us are busy making resolutions about how THIS year will be different. THIS year we’ll lose weight, exercise more, and eat out less.


I vowed that for ten years, but none of it really stuck until I actually started reading books about health that I got from the FIRST healthy living bundle sale. I learned all about how the oils that I thought were so healthy actually weren’t. I finally quit Diet Pepsi for good. I began to drink teas for the health benefits (and I know what they are now!) I pulled all those bottles of essential oils I bought years ago and put them in a diffuser. It really made a difference.


I’ve had some major gallbladder/food intolerance issues over the last year that have sent me to the hospital several times and have caused many sleepless nights in major pain. But I’ve actually managed to deal with a lot of it, even when doctors couldn’t help much, because I’ve finally figured out how to eat well.


We all want to make better health and lifestyle decisions for ourselves and those we love. We want to lose some weight, have more energy, use greener products, create nutritious meals for our families, get fit, and feel confident that we’re doing all we can to prevent serious diseases.


How many times have you “tried harder” to improve your health? How many times have you “tried harder” than the last time, only to fail again?


Here’s a secret: Trying harder has never been your issue.


Instead, you should be trying different. Trying simpler.


Most people over-complicate the process of improving their health. They think the silver bullet is in the complexity, in the personal trainers, in the protein shakes, in the gym memberships.


But it’s actually the opposite.


The silver bullet is in your head–in the knowledge you have and how that knowledge empowers you to consistently make the right decisions (big and small) in your everyday life.


You probably start every January the same. Recharged. Rejuvenated. Reinvigorated. Ready to retry the same things you knowledge bank remembers, hoping to not re-fail again.


In the midst of all that, you seem to forget: To be reborn, you cannot recycle.


To put it another way: The only way to go somewhere you haven’t gone before is to do something you haven’t done before.


But even if you know that, it’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and intimidated by the flood of information out there…what should you be listening to? It’s not easy to know and it’s even harder to find the right information. And so we’re frozen into complete inaction instead!


That’s where the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle comes in — a complete and curated collection of the best eBooks and eCourses to give you all the best practices, tips, tools and resources you will ever need to solve any health challenge you or your family want to overcome.


For the ridiculously low price of just $29.97, you can get access to a carefully curated collection of eBooks and eCourses with a total combined value of $1,030.


The bundle contains a wealth of information from the very finest healthy living writers out there – but there’s no risk of getting overwhelmed! A useful Getting Started Guide is included with your purchase, which will help you identify the most valuable resources for your specific health priorities.



The Ultimate Bundles team has done all the hard work for you – finding the top experts across a number of healthy living fields and combining their products into one essential collection. If you want to take control of your health, there’s no better way to start!


The Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle will only be on sale for 2 days only – from 12am EST on Monday, December 29 until 11:59pm EST on Tuesday, December 30.


But don’t wait until the last moment – this encore sale lasts for 2 days only and then it’s gone for good!


You can buy with confidence because your purchase is covered by the Ultimate Bundles 30-day guarantee: you have 30 days to enjoy all the books and courses in the bundle, and if you don’t feel like it’s made a huge difference to your family’s health, you’ll get your money back in full!


Click here for more info or to buy now.



As if this great collection of eBooks and eCourses wasn’t enough, the Ultimate Bundles team has also partnered with 7 fantastic companies who’ve each agreed to give a special bonus to every buyer. The bonuses have a total value of over $145 – more than 4 times the price of the Ultimate Healthy Living Bundle itself!


The bonuses include free goodies aplenty, like a starter culture from Cultures For Health. You’ll also get gift sets from Made On Skin Care Products and Homegrown Collective.


There are virtual goodies, too – a 4-month membership to StayAtHomeYoga.com and a 3-month premium membership to meal planning service Tradishen. And as if all that weren’t enough, there are also $15 gift certificates for Strawesome.com and Trilight Health. There is a nominal shipping charge for several of the bonuses, based on each company’s standard shipping rates, and is usually $3-5.


Here’s what you need to know about the sale:


When? 12 a.m. EST Monday, December 29 until 11:59 p.m. EST Tuesday, December 30


What? 74 eBooks and 6 audio & eCourses, PLUS over $140 worth of bonus products you’ll really use!


Where? Purchase the bundle HERE.


How much? Well now, that’s the best part. The entire package is worth $1140, and it’s selling for less than $30. Sweet deal, right?


We think there’s something here for everyone, and don’t forget… our Getting Started Guide will show you exactly which resources cover the topics and health concerns that matter most to you!


We know you’re eager to see exactly what’s included in this bundle, so head on over to the website, where you can see the full list of eBooks, eCourses, and bonus offers. Here are just a few of my favorite categories–there are dozens more books than just these:




Nourished MetabolismAnd one of the books that I appreciated so much was The Nourished Metabolism, which helped me see the dieting yoyo in a whole new light–and gave me a new respect for my body!


When you’re ready, you can either buy here directly, or right through the website. It’s fast and easy, and you’ll have your bundle sent to you via email within minutes.


Click here for more info or to buy now.



Remember, this flash encore bundle is available for 2 days only, from 12 a.m. (EST) on Monday, December 29 to 11:59 p.m. (EST) on Tuesday, December 30.


I have included affiliate links in this post. Read the fine print about this bundle and read the answers to frequently asked questions about the bundle.


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Published on December 29, 2014 04:12

December 24, 2014

Merry Christmas to All!

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Merry Christmas to all! I wish you all a peaceful season, with meaningful times with family and friends.


I wish you all a time of reflection, when you remember with wonder the awesome gift of God in Jesus.


And I wish for reconciliation, love, and grace in all of your families.


Have a wonderful holiday.


I’m taking off for a few days, but the blog will resume next week!


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Published on December 24, 2014 04:16

December 23, 2014

Best of Top 10 Tuesdays from 2014

The Best of Top 10 Tuesdays posts at To Love, Honor and VacuumThe Christmas holidays are upon us, and soon 2015 will be here!


And so, as I wind down for the year, I’ve been thinking back on all of the things that I’ve written over the last 12 months. One of the features I started was Top 10 Tuesdays, where I brainstorm and share lists of things for you. Sometimes it’s not always 10s, but I still like the idea!


And these have been some of my most popular posts. So today, as I’ll be going offline for a few days to relax with my family, I thought I’d leave you with the top 10 Top 10 Tuesday posts, and give you some things to read in case you missed any.


And now can you give me a Christmas present? If you like any of these posts, just share them on Facebook or Pinterest for me! Thank you!


And if you’ve been wanting to introduce my blog to a friend, THIS is a great post to share, because she can read 10 of the best things I’ve written this year.


I checked Google Analytics and looked at what posts had been viewed the most. And here they are:



The Top 10 “Top 10 Tuesday” Posts of 2014

The Effects of Porn--a Must Read!1. Top 10 Effects of Porn on Your Marriage and Your Sex Life


Honestly, this is likely one of the most important posts I’ve ever written. So many people think porn is harmless, and it’s not. I share what porn really does to you–and I encourage people to quit.


This is my #1 post for people landing on my site out of nowhere, so I have so many people searching for info on how to quit porn and why to quit porn, and I’m so glad they land here instead of somewhere sketchy.


And remember: If you sign up with Covenant Eyes before midnight on December 31, you’ll get 2 months of protection online free! It’s accountability and filtering (if you choose to use the filtering). Protect your kids, and keep temptation at bay for the adults in the house, too.


You’ll get the two months automatically if you follow this link, but you can also use the code TLHV if you’re logging on later! Or tell other people about the TLHV promo code–it’s only available until New Year’s Eve at midnight!


Covenant Eyes


How to Initiate Sex with Your Husband--witout feeling awkward2. Top 10 Tips to Initiate Sex


Let’s have some fun!


Initiating sex doesn’t have to be hard and it doesn’t have to take a lot of time. It’s just about attitude. And it’s important in a marriage.


I talk about what to do and what not to do–and how it doesn’t have to be intimidating.


So check it out–and put it into practice!


 


Discipline without Spanking: 10 Other Ideas3. Top 10 Ways to Discipline without Spanking


Here’s a parenting post that made the list. I actually really like this post, too.


So often when we think about disciplining our kids spanking is the first thing that comes to mind, and time outs is the second. Neither is usually the most effective way of dealing with our kids, so here are some other ideas that teach kids well.


 


It's My Birthday! 10 Ways to Make Your Birthday Meaningful4. Top 10 Ways to Make Your Birthday Meaningful


If it’s your birthday, don’t wait for someone else to do something for you! Do something for yourself.


Here’s how I made my birthday meaningful, by spending the day thinking and praying through goals and making sure this year would count.


Some of the ideas are fun and some are more purposeful, but the message is the same: it’s an important day for you. Make sure YOU’RE the one to make it meaningful, rather than being disappointed in others.


Top 10 Kisses Every Marriage Needs--because kissing in marriage is FUN!5. Top 10 Kisses Every Marriage Needs


It’s a fun one! Let’s never stop kissing in marriage.


See how many of these kisses you enjoy…


 


10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married6. Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married


I love this post!


I asked up on Facebook what my fans wish they had known before thy walked down the aisle, and then turned it into a post! The answers weren’t all what I expected (financial issues was #1, not sex!)


See what you think–and then pass it along to engaged couples you know.


10 Cheap and Easy Date Night Ideas7. Top 10 Cheap Date Night Ideas for Parents of Young Kids


Such a fun post!


If you want romance in your marriage, little kids can pose a problem. But they don’t have to!


Here are 10 fun date night ideas–5 going out dates, and 5 staying in dates–that parents of young kids can do on a dime.


4 Kinds of Talk Every Marriage Needs8. 4 Kinds of Talk Every Marriage Needs


Here’s my first post to make the list that ISN’T a 10! It’s only a 4.


But the four are important.


Every marriage needs these 4 kinds of conversations–some more intimate, some more fun, and some more laid back. Take a look and make sure you’re covering the bases.


Most Important Thing to Do to Improve Your Marriage9. ONE Thing You Can Do to Improve Your Marriage


I had a reader write and say, “I can’t do 10 things. What’s ONE?” And here’s my answer.


It applies to almost all marriage problems. It’s easy. It takes no time. It costs no money.


And yet we rarely do it. Check it out…


 


Top 10 Reasons Marrying Young Can Actually be Good--for You and for Society10. Top 10 Reasons for Marrying Young


One of my favourite posts! And so true.


You may be hearing more about this subject from me in the next month or two…


So there you go! Some reading material over the Christmas break. I hope you’ve enjoyed this Top 10 feature. It has been one of my most popular, and I have a whole lot of others planned out for the new year.


As always, if you have ideas of posts you’d like to see, leave them in the comments.


And thank you in advance for sharing these!


Merry Christmas!



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Published on December 23, 2014 04:16

December 22, 2014

My Man of Steel

Yesterday was my twenty-third anniversary. We’ve were married at Christmas when I was 21 and he was 22.


When I started writing my newspaper column twelve years ago, one of my first columns was about my anniversary. And so I thought I’d publish it here–about what Keith meant to me after eleven years of marriage. This was first published on December 21, 2002.


Reflections on Our Anniversary: My man of steel


This Saturday I’m supposed to give my husband something made of steel.

We’re celebrating our eleventh anniversary, and for this blessed occasion whoever is in charge of anniversary gift etiquette obviously ran out of ideas. “Paper? Taken. A nice wooden chest? Taken. What about diamonds? Better save that as an incentive to stick around.” Growing increasingly desperate, she probably looked out the window, saw her husband’s ‘57 Chevy up on blocks, and yelled, “Steel!”, forever relegating us to eleventh anniversary hopelessness.


I figure I’m left with a new car (fat chance), the foundation for a new house, or power tools. But the only thing more ridiculous than me trying to choose a power tool would be my husband trying to use one. The one and only time he did any home improvements was his attempt, along with another doctor friend, to hang a pot rack. Instead of drilling into a stud, they drilled into my toilet drain, sending water—and I don’t know what else—into our kitchen.


Whatever I choose, though, it occurs to me that Ye Olde Marriage Etiquette Lady may have had a point.


Steel is an appropriate metaphor for marriage.

Steel holds houses together, keeps bridges from buckling, and forms the foundations of our cities. Steel doesn’t bend.


Over the years of our marriage we’ve had some tough times. Keith’s residency at the Hospital for Sick Children was horrendous. He always came home exhausted. Two babies demanded our attention, leaving us with no energy for anything else. In the middle of this, we had a beautiful baby boy, who lived only 29 days. Though I will treasure those precious four weeks forever, his death left a hole that can never be filled on this side of heaven.


When I walked down the aisle eleven years ago, I knew I loved Keith and that he loved me.


I figured that love would be enough for forever. I was wrong.

Love alone would not have seen us through these eleven years, through miscarriages and sleepless nights, through baby stresses and our son’s death. As much as I adore my husband, I don’t think it’s love that has made our marriage strong. Indeed, that idea—that love keeps us together—can actually harm a relationship.


If love is what keeps us together, then when we stop feeling all gushy towards each other we wonder if the relationship is viable. Commitment is just as important as love, and perhaps even more so. If you’re not truly committed to each other, you can’t really discuss problems. Whenever you do, the whole relationship may be at stake. But when you are committed to each other, you can hash something out until you get it right, because you know that person isn’t going anywhere.


During our first year of marriage, I was ready to kill my husband many times over, or at least bean him on the head with a frying pan. He understood nothing about my feelings, while I, of course, understood everything about his. What allowed us to get through that time was not that we loved each other—there were times we both doubted it—but that we knew we were in this for the long haul. We had promised God, and we had promised each other, and we did not make those promises lightly. And if you’re in it for the long haul, then you may as well work it out, because the longer you wait, the more miserable you’re going to be.


In every relationship there are times when splitting up seems like the only option.

Certainly in cases of abuse or chronic infidelity this may be the case. But overall, God promises that people will be happier if they choose to honour Him by staying and working it out. It occurs to me that this is the way steel is forged: through hard work. The sign of a strong marriage is not that storms don’t come; but that when they do, you decide to weather them together. And as you do so, that steel supporting you grows stronger.


My husband is the most romantic guy in the world. He’s easy to love. And as we’ve chosen to commit to each other, the steel holding up our house has grown stronger. My kids can tear all over it and it won’t collapse. They can jump and tug and pull, and we’ll stand firm. I cherish every day we have together, and I look forward to many more.


It is not love that keeps a #marriage together; ultimately it is commitment.



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Published on December 22, 2014 05:15

December 19, 2014

O Christmas Tree

O Christmas Tree When I was in Canadian Tire a while ago I saw an absolutely stunning Christmas tree.

It was decorated in silver bows and balls with purple accents. It was my ideal tree.


Such a tree, however, will never grace my living room. No matter how much I want a purple and silver one, I have too many other decorations that render a consistent colour scheme impossible. I have a family Christmas tree.


First comes the gold heart embossed with “Keith and Sheila, 1991″ that we received at our wedding. Then there are all the Christmas decorations we made as children which our parents thoughtfully gave us our first Christmas together (were they trying to get rid of them, I wonder?). There’s the canvas stitched candy cane Keith made, and the decorated styrofoam balls I did. Other decorations full of childhood memories hang beside them, like the angel candle holders that were on my Baby Jesus birthday cake when I was six.


And now, of course, we have added our children’s decorations. At first they were fairly innocuous ones, like “Baby’s First Christmas”. They have since become more ambitious. One year the girls and I made dough Christmas shapes and then glued little pictures to them. Katie, who is living proof that you can survive your second year of life eating only dried play dough (believe me, it wasn’t my choice), actually left nibble marks in some as she tried to eat them, too, despite the salt content. Add the decorations the girls make at Sunday school out of little paper doilies, and there’s no room for those classy purple balls.


Our lives are very much like these Christmas trees.

We spend so much effort trying to have the perfectly decorated life, with the right kids, the right jobs, and the right promotions. But it can be exhausting to live that way. Our work is never done. We’re always on the go, and when we do sit down it’s only to plan how to drive our kids to more lessons, run some more errands or throw on yet another load of laundry before we make dinner.


The family Christmas tree, with all its imperfections, is better because it is uniquely us. Anybody can have a perfectly purple Christmas tree. Not everyone can have the one decorated with your own white doily angels and pipe cleaner reindeer.


Christmas anchors us and reminds us of whose we are and of what’s important.

A sign at a local Dry Cleaners recently read, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there”. Many of us are stuck on some sideroad of endless errands and work because we need a road map to get us home, a map that can only come by slowing down and reflecting, if just for a little while. With the busyness of life, we often ignore our spiritual side, never taking time to think about life, death, parenting or our purpose on this earth. Christmas can be our roadmap, a time to take stock of our lives and consider if we’re heading in the right direction.


Whatever your spiritual background is, the challenge is the same: let’s take the time during the holidays to honour it. At my house this week, we’ll have a “Baby Jesus Birthday Cake” (chocolate, of course), to remind us that Christmas is when the all-powerful God became as helpless as a baby so he could live among us and die for us, so we could live forever with him. I don’t want that just to be my Christmas message; I want to live it through the rest of the year. But if I don’t take the chance now to see whether my daily life reflects my spiritual priorities, I may not have time once the daily grind starts anew.


I will gladly take my Baby Jesus birthday cake angels and little dough hearts over purple balls any day. That’s who I am, and who I want to be. Christmas is one of the few times of year when we can contemplate life without someone telling us to move on to the next task. Let’s make sure that this year, we take advantage of the opportunity.


Merry Christmas, everybody!



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Published on December 19, 2014 04:00

December 18, 2014

How An Open Adoption Opened Our Hearts

Today I’d like to share with you my reader Linda Jonasson’s beautiful story of an open adoption, and how they found more room for love than they imagined.


A true story of how an open adoption can leave room for more love than you thought possible.


It was December 1, 1998. My husband Rob had just put up the Christmas tree. We were particularly sad, knowing that we were facing another Christmas without children.


Then the phone rang…

I truly believe God brought us together. Three days after the phone call, we met Nicole and her boyfriend, Lance, at the Brantford Pregnancy Centre. The handsome teenage couple had chosen us to parent their baby – what an honour!


While we were very nervous at our first meeting, the four of us hit it off immediately. I still remember the pregnancy glow that Nicole, dressed in a peasant blouse with a cross-stitch design, emanated. I still remember the way Lance, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, held her by the hand, supporting her every step of the way. I still remember holding the Polaroid photograph of the four of us standing in front of the Christmas tree, an angel watching over us from the top of the tree.


I can picture the booth we sat in at Moose Winooski’s when we took them out for dinner the first time. It was raining that night even though it was December. The storm had caused the lights to go out; I had fumbled around in the dark trying to put in my contact lenses. It was like a second date: I wondered if Nicole and Lance would like us just a much the second time as the first.


Our first visit at the hospital was surreal. I remember holding my newborn baby in my arms for the first time. I saw his birth parents traits in him: Lance’s lips, Nicole’s nose. He was soft and warm and smelled like baby powder. What an honour to be able to feed him his bottle!


The next day, God gave me the sense that I needed to be at the hospital even though we didn’t get a call from the birth parents.

I remember arriving at Nicole’s hospital room door, only to find it closed. The birth parents, their faces red from shedding so many tears, were preparing to say goodbye to their baby, our baby. I reassured Nicole and Lance that we wanted them to be a part of Thomas’ life. That we wouldn’t hop the next plane and skip town.


Thomas was our Christmas miracle.

We brought him home on December 22. I remember sitting in church, my arms full, my heart bursting, as I gazed at the Nativity Scene on Christmas Eve. It was exciting introducing him to our families over the holidays. But as I passed the turkey and mashed potatoes, in the back of my mind, I knew the birth mother had three weeks where she could change her mind and take Thomas back. Even so, I felt a strange sense of calm during the waiting period. Our church prayer group covered us in prayer: I could feel God’s presence.


That was 16 years ago. Today, Thomas stands 5 feet 9 inches tall, he weighs 160 pounds and he wears a size 12 shoe. He has thick brown hair and brown eyes. He sports muscles from his daily workouts at the gym with his dad. He plays three guitars, sharing his talents in two praise teams at our church. Next week, he is about to start driving lessons. How much Thomas has changed! But one thing has not changed – his relationship with his birth parents.


Thomas has always known he was adopted.

As he has grown, the word has gained more and more meaning. At first, Nicole and Lance were the nice couple who visited us at Christmas. Thomas would stand at the window waiting for them, excitement etched on his face. Nicole and Lance would arrive with enough gifts to fill Santa’s sac. Once Thomas finished tearing open the presents, our recreation room would be plastered in red and green wrapping paper. One of Nicole’s early gifts was a wooden rocking horse fashioned by her father, the one she rode as a toddler. Each Christmas visit ended with dinner at Moose Winooski’s, our favourite restaurant.


Four and a half years after Thomas was born, I became pregnant. Thomas was curious about my growing belly. I told him that I had a baby in my “tummy”. “Whose tummy did I come from, Mommy?” he asked. I explained to him that the nice couple who arrived at Christmas with an armful of presents were his birth parents. “You’re kidding, right?” he asked. I explained that I was telling the truth. Thomas nodded, smiled and gave me a look that said: “I can live with that.”


Thomas’ birth parents visited that summer. We surprised them with our newborn daughter, Jacqueline. I was concerned that Nicole and Lance might think that Thomas wouldn’t get as much attention now that he had a baby sister. But the second they met our little girl, they fell in love with her. By the time Jacqueline was a toddler, she was in there like a dirty old shirt, squeezing in between Nicole and Lance on the couch while they watched a movie with Thomas.


When Thomas was about 9 years old, I asked Nicole if she ever regretted placing him for adoption. She said: “Absolutely not. Out of all the decisions I’ve made in my life, it’s the one I’m most proud of.” That was music to my ears. Rob and I wanted her to be happy, too.


The birth parents’ visits continued twice a year at our home in Brantford. When Thomas turned 13, we allowed him to open a Facebook account. He befriended Nicole and Lance, yet another way to keep in touch. When Thomas entered high school, he bought his first cell phone. Now he could text his birth parents as well.


I know Thomas has benefited from the love of not two, but four parents.

The fact that he knows his roots is invaluable, something the rest of us take for granted. There is no mystery concerning his past. It’s reassuring to know where he came from.


As Rob puts up the Christmas tree this year, he will have his son standing by his side, handing him the branches. One of the Christmas ornaments they will hang on the tree is a silver penguin, with THOMAS inscribed at the bottom, a gift from his birthparents. Thank you, Nicole & Lance, for giving us your son – the best Christmas present ever!


Thomas with his birth parents at his grade 8 graduation

Thomas with his birth parents at his grade 8 graduation


lindaLinda Jonasson and her husband Rob, adopted their son, Thomas, in December of 1998 through Beginnings Adoption Agency in Hamilton, Ontario. Linda is a writer and teacher. She speaks about adoption and childhood literacy to churches and schools. She blogs daily, with a heavy dose of history, at A Line from Linda.



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Published on December 18, 2014 05:35

December 17, 2014

Wifey Wednesday: Don’t Be the Christmas Doormat!

It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today Sarah Ball, aka The Virtuous Woman Exposed, joins us talking about how you can be a non-stressed wife this Christmas–by not being a Christmas martyr!

be a non-stressed wife this christmas


Dad is sitting peacefully with his pipe by the fire, the kids are playing joyfully with their new toys, the in-laws have that 1,000 pieced puzzle mastered, and Aunt Sally and Uncle Joe dance arm in arm to “I’ll be home for Christmas.”


But wait, where’s mom?

Oh, right. She’s hyperventilating in the walk-in pantry.


“It’s just the onions,” she says with a forced smile. Come on, we all know it’s not just the onions. It’s a layer of exhaustion, trying to please everyone, a failed soufflé (do women still make these?) a critical comment from the Mother-in-law, an eye roll over paper plates from the Aunt, oh…and the one gift she received under the tree.


One hand-made candleholder made with love and painted macaroni.


She loves seeing her family happy, and nothing beats watching her children open gifts, and she knows the true meaning of Christmas. Yet she can’t help but feel a little empty; so she distracts herself with giving and serving, while telling herself she ‘is being stupid and needs to suck it up.’ She takes the freshly made bacon wrapped scallops out of the oven, waves her eyes clear of tears, inhales deeply, and joins the party. “Hungry?” She sings. They all run to the platter of savory and leave her none.


Does this sound like you? The Christmas Door Mat or The Maid of Merry Men?

How not to be a Christmas martyr in your family--and find peace once again!


If so, I am here to release you from the hard bondage in which you have been forced to serve. With a loving lecture!


STOP IT!


What if I were to tell you that the reason Jesus was born, (the reason we celebrate Christmas) was so that we could rest and receive abundant blessing? Not strain ourselves to the point of tears.

Jesus knew that women have a tendency to strive to earn favor with man and Christ. Which is why God strategically left this story of Mary and Martha, in the bible….


  Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.”


  And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10: 38-41


His peace and presence is available to all, but it is up to us Martha’s to put down our apron and just be present enough to enjoy the gift of the moment.


It is perfectly acceptable to expect blessing for yourself on Christmas. It’s not selfish and it’s not sacrilegious. No one ever called you to be a Christmas Martyr. In fact when you take it upon yourself to please everyone, you are actually taking away their opportunities to be a blessing. It feels good to give. Why not let your family experience that too.


We as moms need to help our children and husband bless us. I know that this sounds selfish, and I know that the giver in you is cringing. I realize Christmas isn’t just about gifts, but gifts are a legitimate godly way of showing care for one another.


 


I drive my children, including my teenaged son, to shop for their dad and me. I drop them off at my favorite store and tell them what I don’t want.

Last year, my teenaged boy was absolutely mortified when I dropped him off at a girly accessories store. I walked him into the store and introduced him to the cashier. “My son is shopping for me, these are the things I like, and can you help him?” I asked. She looked as awkward as he did. It was a match made in retail!


“I’ll be in the car,” I said, as I walked out the door. My son, his poor face turned Rudolph red. But that face turned into a very proud grin when I opened a great pair of gloves and scarf on Christmas morning.


I just scored points with his future wife. ‘Not afraid to shop at girly stores to buy his wife great gifts.’ CHECK!


Some husbands may need the same encouragement.


My husband loves to make me happy, and to be honest he deserves more gifts around the tree this year than I do, and he spoils me. So dropping him off at the local frilly shop will be in vain. What I can give him, that in turn blesses me, is an unstressed, joyful version of me. He’s not looking for a perfected Christmas Décor, or an overstuffed brined turkey. He is looking for moments with me, moments when he has my full, happy and content, attention.


This year I have given up the family photo, the Christmas letter and even the Christmas cards. I’m going to express my needs and ask for help. I am going to serve child decorated cookies, that look like reindeer vomit and I’m going to stick to mashed potatoes, turkey and pie. Martha Stewart, you’re fired!


What can you do for yourself this Christmas?

 


Sarah BallSarah Ball is a blogger, speaker, and mother of 5 children. She is currently working on a series called Fearless in 21 days, helping men and women break free from crippling anxiety and panic. You can follow her blog at Virtuous Woman Exposed.


Sarah says, “Head on over to my Virtuous Woman Exposed Facebook Page so we can be friends! You can also find me on Pinterest and Twitter.


WifeyWednesday175Have any Christmas marriage thoughts for us? Link up the URL of one of your marriage posts in our Wifey Wednesday Linkup below! And be sure to link back here so other people can read these great posts.










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Published on December 17, 2014 04:00

December 16, 2014

10 Weird Things About Sheila

Top TenIt’s Top 10 Tuesday! And I thought that for today’s installment I’d share with you 10 weird things about me that you don’t know (and maybe you’ll wish you never did after you read this. :) )


1. I Am a Tea Fanatic

It’s almost a sickness. I can’t go into one of those looseleaf tea stores without coming out with a ton of tea.


It’s because last December 20 I quit Diet Pepsi, and I hate coffee, but I still need something with caffeine to drink. And I figure if I have lots of different flavours of tea then I’m not really depriving myself.


So I buy little bits of teas to try them out and blend them and see what I like. Here’s my tea drawer:


My tea drawer


Then, once I’m sure I like a tea, I get a whole can of it:


My Tea Cans


Tea features in my daughter Katie’s latest video (it’s about halfway through; and bonus, you get to see my house!)



2. One of my Favourite Snacks is Chocolate Chips and Milk. With a spoon.

When I get a craving for sweets, this is what I get.


Hey, it’s got calcium in it!


photo-1


3. I’m Actually Quite Introverted in Public. I’m Scared of Small Talk

Seriously. I speak all the time in front of really large audiences and it doesn’t phase me one bit. I don’t even really get nervous anymore. I can go on the set of a TV show or a taping and I’m perfectly fine.


Sheila at Focus


But if you get me in a small group with people I don’t really know and try to make small talk, I’m a little at a loss. I’m afraid it makes me seem a little stand offish at times, because sometimes after church I bolt rather than talk to the people around me if I don’t know them well. And I know that’s exactly the wrong thing to do (and kind of cowardly). But I feel flustered.


Which makes going to my husband’s work parties really stressful for me. I want to get to know his work buddies, but I honestly dread walking into a room where everybody knows each other except for me.


Of course, that’s my issue and I’ll have to get over it. It isn’t good to shy away from people. But it is difficult…


4. I’ve Got Gallbladder Issues. Or Maybe Not. But I Sure Hope That’s What It Is!

Haven’t mentioned this too much on the blog, but back in July I started getting these intermittent HORRIBLE stomach pains. It took me a few weeks to figure out that they were related to eating fatty foods, and the more I researched it the more it sounds exactly like gallbladder attacks. It’s absolutely horrible.


So I’ve stopped going to restaurants entirely, and I eat pretty much totally clean. The good news is I’ve lost 15 pounds. In fact, I’ve lost so much weight that my dress pants don’t stay up anymore–like the pants I wear to speak. And most of those pants don’t have belt loops. At my last speaking engagement I had to use safety pins to keep them up.


But in the meantime I’d really like this fixed, but absolutely all of the tests that I’ve had point to pancreatitis, not gallbladder. And there are no real treatments for pancreatitis. I go to see the surgeon on Thursday, so I’m praying that she’ll be able to say, “yes, it’s gallbladder, just a weird presentation, and we’ll take it out for you!” Because honestly, I don’t know how much more of this I can take. It’s nothing that will kill me, but it’s awfully uncomfortable.


5. One of the things I would grab if there were ever a fire in my house is a blouse my great-grandmother knit.

I have things my grandmother and my mother knit, too! I come from a long line of knitters.


Here’s Katie wearing the top her great-great-grandmother knit:


Katie in a top my great-grandmother knit


6. I never liked Michael Jackson. Ever. Even when he was cool.

In fact, I never liked most popular music. I always pretended to, but I never really did. And Michael Jackson always struck me as whiny–even when I was 13.


7. I’m Actually an American. Sort of!

Here’s something kinda weird. So I was born in Boston while my dad was at Harvard, but I only ever lived there for 6 months. So I’ve always considered myself a Canadian.


But now I’m an adult and I go back and forth across the border to speak a lot, and I have a lot of American income. And I’ve been trying to collect that income using an IRS form saying I’m Canadian.


So I had a note from the IRS recently telling me I had to either provide proof that I’d renounced my U.S. citizenship (because they knew I was born in the U.S.) or provide my social security number.


And I’m like, “Whoa, I’m actually American. I better do something about that!” So since then I’ve got all my paperwork in order and I can now travel under an American passport. No more hassles when I try to cross the border! When I was applying for my social security number a while back they tried to tell me that I wasn’t really American, and for the first time in my life I had this surge of patriotism–“But it’s my birthright!” And so now I’m American. And Canadian. And it’s kinda cool.


8. My mother has a grand-daughter who is not actually related to me.

So a little while ago my best friend started caring for a little baby who needed a home. My mom wanted to give my friend a break, so every week she’d take the baby for a day.


When that baby got to be a year old, she came up for adoption, and my friend and her husband decided to adopt her. Except that now my mom had been caring for her for a day a week since she was born, and she figured that she may as well keep going since the baby was so attached to her (and vice versa).


That baby is now 5, and she calls my mom “Nana”, just like my daughters do. But once that little girl became her granddaughter, then it only seemed fair that the other two older kids in the family become her grandchildren, too. See, my friend and her husband don’t have any extended family, so the kids didn’t really have grandparents.


For years my mom was Nana to just two girls (mine), but now she has three more grandchildren! And she takes them to movies and watches their soccer games and goes to their birthday parties. And that little girl still cuddles in and hugs her quite often (she’s older than she looks; she’s tiny for 5 and so everyone still picks her up!)


Mom Holding Sam


Every Sunday my mom makes the snack for the kids in our youth Bible quizzing class, and the little girl “helps”. So last week we’re in the middle of quizzing and the little girl is passing out muffins and she announces, really loudly, “I love you, Nana.”


It’s funny because she HAS to sit with my Mom at church. It’s so important to her. So my mom always sits with their family. And often their family has extra kids with them, so there’s not always room in the pew for my husband and me. Which honestly is fine. But recently our church hired a new outreach pastor, and my mom was talking to him about her daughter. It took her a few minutes to realize that the pastor and she were talking about two completely different women–because the pastor assumed that Mom’s daughter was my friend, not me! It makes sense–everywhere you go in church Mom is being crawled all over by that little girl and talked to by my friend’s kids. It’s absolutely the cutest thing.


We always laugh because one day that little girl will understand that being adopted (they don’t hide that fact at all) means that she’s not actually blood related to her mom. But not only is she not blood related to her mom, her mom isn’t actually blood related to her grandma!


But you know what? I don’t think it really matters.


Staples Back to School 6


9. I have never watched the movie Titanic.

I just can’t handle watching movies about real things where people died or suffered horribly. I don’t think I could watch it when the ship went down–because the ship really DID go down and just thinking about families being separated from each other makes me absolutely sick.


It’s like Holocaust movies–I can’t watch them either. I already know a ton about the Holocaust; it’s not that the movies teach me stuff I didn’t know and make me sad; it’s that I can’t handle having pictures put to my thoughts. I saw Schindler’s List in theatres and I still regret it. It still haunts me.


It’s important to remember the horrors that we have inflicted on each other so we don’t repeat them, but I can’t emotionally handle watching it. I hope that doesn’t make me shallow.


10. I’m touring all over the U.S. in 2015-2016. And in Australia, too!

I’m in Texas in February, Louisiana in March, Arizona in April, Indiana in September, and Brisbane/Melbourne in October. Plus I’ll be around Canada frequently, too! I’m still adding dates to all of those tours, so if you have a church that would be interested in hosting my Girl Talk, just email me and my assistant Tammy will get some info out to you!


So there you go: 10 weird things about me. Have any weird things yourself you’d like to share?


Remember TWO big promotions going on at the blog right now!


First, Covenant Eyes is offering two months free when you use my promo code (TLHV); it’s automatically applied if you follow my link. It’s so important to protect our kids online, and to remove the temptation of porn from our homes. Check it out!


And the MELT Massage instructional videos are on sale again, just in time for Christmas! You get lifetime access to the online videos which teach you in really small increments how to properly massage each other–and then you can put those “moves” together into one massage routine which is AMAZING for your spouse (and your intimacy!) Check it out, too.


Melt Massage for Couples





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Published on December 16, 2014 04:56

December 15, 2014

Reader Question: I Caught My Dad Watching Porn

Reader Question of the Week Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and try to take a stab at answering it. With the Christmas holidays approaching and extended family being more on our minds, I thought this sad one would be an important one to answer. What do you do if you catch your dad watching porn (or another married relative)?

My reader writes:


I’m in my mid-twenties and still living at home while I finish up graduate school. I’m very blessed to have parents who are willing to support me financially while I pursue my career goals. But I have a HUGE problem: two years ago I walked in on my dad watching porn while my mom was at her weekly women’s bible study. In the two years since, I have walked in on or came close to walking in on him watching porn several times so I know this is a regular occurrence. I believe that God has allowed me to discover this about him. My dad has acted like nothing has changed between us, and I think that is because he has convinced himself that I did not actually see anything. There are times that he is colder towards me or dismissive and angry. He has verbally abused me on a few occasions and yelled at me for being a “petulant child” then the next minute swings back into his normal temperate state like nothing was even said. He has never treated me like this when my mom is around, and no one else in my family knows what he is like behind closed doors. Either my mom has no idea that he watches porn or has convinced herself that there is nothing that she can do about it. She has counseled me that porn use is an automatic no in a dating relationship (my dad was in the room when she said this-awkward few minutes for me).


I really need advice on what to do. I really do not want to see my dad in sinful bondage like this, but I am fearful because I am financially dependent on my parents allowing me to stay at home. I have debated and prayed and asked for advice on whether or not to confront my dad. I want him to get help, I want my parents to have a real, healthy marriage. But I have no idea how to go about that as an adult daughter still at home. There are lines that I am afraid to even toe for fear of retribution. I’ll be honest, I am very uncomfortable living in my own home and spend most of my time shut up in my room. I need advice on something, anything I can do to try and help make this situation bearable. Keeping my dad’s secret is exhausting, not just the porn use, but his verbal treatment of me at times.


This is a really hard situation, and I want to raise just a few issues which could help people make decisions about what to do in a case like this.


Do you keep the secret if you catch your dad--or another married relative--watching porn? Some thoughts on how to stop the cycle of lies in families.


You Are Not Responsible for Keeping Someone’s Marriage Together

No one is responsible for anyone’s marriage other than our own. Yes, we need to support our friends’ marriages, but that doesn’t mean that if we rock the boat and the marriage falls apart we are somehow to blame.


If something falls apart because of truth, then that something wasn’t really together in the first place. Look, what you want is for your parents (or other relatives in other cases) to have a good marriage. A good marriage is one that honors God. And Jesus said that He was the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Jesus is the Truth, and Jesus is in the Truth. We should never flee from the truth.


And if you really are the thing holding a marriage together (like if you telling a secret would break up a marriage) then that marriage wasn’t really together in the first place. Our aim should be for truth and God. God works when things are brought to light, not when things are hidden and when people refuse to address issues and work on them. Hiding things is lying. Often family tries to suck us in to agree with a big “family lie”, but that isn’t your role and it isn’t right. The Truth is what is right, and don’t ever let someone else convince you otherwise.


Secrets Eat at a Family

Secrets get replicated. What happens in one generation often gets passed on to the next, even if it’s never explicitly talked about. A woman marries a man who cheats, and even though the kids never specifically know that he cheats, somehow they all pick similar people to marry. These patterns repeat.


I once knew something about a young man at our church that I knew the parents would want to know. I went through a bit of a crisis of conscience, wondering if it was really my place to get involved. Is it honestly my business? But it came back to this: If someone knew something like that about my child, I would want to be told. And so how could I not tell his parents? They had the chance to do something about it if they knew; by not sharing the secret I wasn’t actually helping him or helping my friends (his parents). I was just allowing him to engage in really damaging behaviour under the radar.


In this case, her father is engaged in really dangerous behaviour. That sinful porn addiction is also likely responsible for the verbal abuse and the cavalier attitude about other things. Porn affects all aspects of our lives. I believe it needs to be told, either to her mom or to a pastor or to somebody, but it is absolutely not fair that she be put in a position where she feels like she has to keep a secret. That’s too big a burden to put on someone.


If you’re the one dealing with this, though, one word of caution:  you may tell your mom and she may choose to do nothing. That is her choice. But you have now given her a choice, and that’s important, in and of itself. Now you can let go of it.


We All Need a Support System

Find some mentors that you can tell these things to–not a whole lot of people, but some, who can pray for you before you disclose the secret and who can pray for you as you try to live in this environment. You can’t carry this all by yourself anymore.


We Need a Safe Place to Live

Here’s another thing that’s so important to realize: we all need a safe place to live. So many studies have been written about the effects of living in a toxic environment. If you are putting up with verbal abuse and lies because you need to save money, you still are likely paying too high a cost.


Toxic people hurt you. They give you a negative outlook on life. They wreck your self-esteem. They make you pessimistic and sad. That’s not a good combination.


Sometimes Life Involves Risk

Disclosing your dad’s porn use is risky; you may not be able to live at your parents’ house anymore. But often doing the right thing is also doing the risky thing. The reason so many of us live miserable lives is because we choose to live with the secrets rather than rocking the boat. And when we do that we limit what God can do.


God really can do amazing things, but He tends to do those things when we open ourselves up, make ourselves vulnerable, and stop trying to protect ourselves.


And that may mean not just disclosing a secret, but also moving out.


And it doesn’t have to be that expensive! A female grad student who stays in her room on wifi? Do you know how great a tenant that is? My mom rented out a room to a college student a few  years ago really inexpensively. If you’re prepared to just take a room in someone’s home, you can often find an older woman or an older couple who just needs a little more income and who has a spare room. Sometimes someone in your church, if you let the need be known, may do it for free to help you get on your feet. It’s not like you necessarily have to rent a whole apartment.


The unknown is scary, but when we step there, God opens doors.


One More Thing: Porn is Not Inevitable

This woman’s mom said that porn is inevitable in a dating relationship. She’s right, it is inevitable–IF you date people who use porn and IF you tolerate it. Whatever you tolerate will continue.


Whatever you tolerate will continue. #marriagetip


Most teens will be exposed to porn (which is why it’s so important to protect the gadgets in your home! See here for a special 2-month free offer from Covenant Eyes).  But while many teens will be tempted (including girls) not all will become habitual users. And if they are habitual porn users, that needs to be dealt with before an engagement or marriage–but it absolutely CAN be defeated.


People say porn is inevitable because it gives them an “out”–if their significant other uses porn, and they haven’t wanted to rock the boat for fear of losing that person, they likely justified it to themselves by saying, “everyone uses it”. But it’s not true.


If, in your circle of friends, everybody uses it and no one is struggling to stop, then you need a new circle of friends. Porn isn’t inevitable, porn can be defeated, and many, many people are fighting for pure marriages.


So those are my thoughts for this poor woman, but I know that there are many of you in the same position–people who caught their brother-in-law using porn, or their married brother, or an uncle, or whoever. Let me leave you with one last thought: what if your sister-in-law (or whoever the spouse is) has been struggling under this burden of her husband’s porn use? What if she has thought it was hopeless? What if she has convinced herself there is nothing she can do, and she feels so alone and so dirty? And then you come to her and say, “no, this is not acceptable. You’re right to be upset.” You actually free her from the trap that she’s built for herself. You’ve spoken truth into a web of lies, and it’s amazing how one word of truth can often turn a situation around. Maybe she’s hurting, and she needs the strength to do something about it. Maybe you’re the kick in the pants, the reality check, the support she needs.


Now, I’d love to know: have you ever been in a situation where you caught a relative using porn? Or did you have secrets in your family? What did you do? Let’s talk in the comments and encourage each other!



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Published on December 15, 2014 05:44