Sheila Wray Gregoire's Blog, page 197

A Romance Writer Tells Us What Marriages Of the Past Have to Teach us Today

A big part of my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum is letting women in on something that’s so obvious we all should know–and yet we often forget. Life is very different today than it was one hundred years ago. Parenting has changed. Marriage has changed. And so if you’re wondering what’s wrong with you that you can’t keep up with the job of mothering the way your mom or grandmother could, maybe it’s because we’re doing a whole different job today!

We sometimes forget that about marriage, too. We assume that marriage has always been about the same things it is today: falling in love, keeping the romance going, feeling positively towards each other. And because of that, we can get this idealized notion of marriage that can actually hurt us.

Back in August I went to a conference with my agent, Chip MacGregor, and met a ton of other writers he represents. I got talking to Danica Favorite, who writes historical romance, and I said to her: I think that we as a society have forgotten what marriage used to be. She volunteered to write a post about that for me, and she joins us today.

As a historical romance writer, I get to look back on marriage and relationship history. While I focus on getting to the happily ever after in my books, it’s important to note that historically, being happy wasn’t the priority. In fact, much of what we take for granted in modern marriage wasn’t an important consideration back then. Even though much of what I write in historical romance is fiction, I’ve learned a lot from historical marriage to help my own marriage.

One of the most important differences between historical marriage and marriages of today is the idea of choice.

Being able to marry the person you choose is a fairly modern idea. Many women were simply told who they would marry. If your parents said to marry Joe Smith, you married Joe Smith, regardless of whether or not you liked the man. Sure, most parents would take into consideration what their children wanted, but not always. Historically, women had very few rights, especially in terms of marriage and finances. Because a woman was dependent on her family or husband for protection and financial support, she had to marry to survive.

When I was in college, my mother had picked out the perfect husband for me. I’d gone to school with him, and had never really gotten to know him. But my mother seemed to think he was The One for me. For a while, she even called him “her son-in-law.” As in, “I was at the store today and I ran into my son-in-law. Next time you’re home, you should get together.” Or, “I just saw my son-in-law and I was thinking that you guys would have the cutest babies.”

How many of you are saying, “EW!” right about now?

But if we’d been living a hundred and fifty years ago, I probably would be married to the guy who, for better or for worse, is best known for getting pantsed in gym class in middle school. He may be a perfectly nice person. But we never hung out in the same circles, and judging by his Facebook page, I can’t imagine we’d have all that much to talk about.

Sometimes having a choice makes us look at the other options and wonder if we made the right choice.

I love it when Sheila talks about the idea of whether or not you married the wrong person. Maybe you feel like you married the wrong person. But consider the fact that you chose him. There was something about that person that made you think, “Yes! This is the one.” Focus on that good point. Generations of women before us didn’t even have that to focus on, and yet they were able to find enough good in that person to build a life together.

I’ll admit, I never looked at the man my mother chose for me as a serious option. But when we make the mistake of looking at what we could have done, who we could have married, we fall into the trap of thinking that something else would have been better. The problem is, we’ve already made our choice. You got to marry the man you chose. Be grateful, and remember to appreciate the reasons you married the man you did.

Even on our worst day of marriage, I would definitely want to have my husband over the guy my mother was certain would be the perfect man for me.

The idea of choice highlights a second lesson we can learn from women in history- that of necessity.

The Bible talks a lot about the need for man and woman to have each other. But we don’t need to go as far back as the Bible to underscore this lesson. Before we had the luxury of modern kitchen appliances and grocery stores, making a simple meal for the family took hours. Running a household took teamwork. It was too much of a job for a person to do alone.

Believe it or not, that’s still true today. Last week, as I struggled in the family room to help our daughter with her report, my husband was in the kitchen helping our other daughter with her geometry. I am terrible at geometry. My husband is terrible at spelling, which is what I was helping our little one with.

When I look at how completely opposite my husband and I are, I could complain about how awful it is that we have so little in common. (And sometimes I do. ☺ )But then I look at how having differences benefits our kids. My weaknesses are often his strengths. My strengths are often his weaknesses.

The couples in the past knew this truth, and while some of the roles they created seem antiquated now, they had a point. We can’t do it alone. Our society tells us that we can have it all- we can be everything, everyone, and still have a wonderful life. The focus is so much on independence, and not wanting to be dependent on anyone else, that we forget the benefits of interdependence.

Marriage is a recognition that we both bring something valuable to the table.

Just as men of the past needed their wives, our husbands need us too. The great thing about modern marriage is that we can work together with our spouses to define those roles. In my house, that means my husband deals with all bodily fluids and I deal with all the logistics and organizational issues. My friend’s husband does all the cooking, and she does all the home repair. When we chaperoned a school field trip, he packed her a lunch in a little brown bag, complete with a love note. Maybe that wouldn’t have been so cool a hundred years ago, but today, it’s a great reminder of the special gifts we bring to our spouses.

The final lesson from historical marriage is this- there was no way out.

Now, I want to be clear here, because I do think that one of the great advances in our society is that women can get out of abusive marriages. So I want to take that off the table in terms of this discussion. I believe that if you are in an abusive situation, you need to find a way to get safe.

In the past, if a couple was unhappy, they had no choice but to stay together. To separate meant to have your reputations ruined, and in many cases, you were left with no way to survive. There weren’t many respectable jobs available to divorced women. Because there was no way out, they found a way to make their marriage work. A fight with your husband meant you had to figure out how to deal with your differences. Love was less about the emotion of how you felt about the person and more about how you chose to act.

We can learn from the idea of not having an out. Because getting a divorce is so easy in this day, it’s tempting to go back to the idea of choice, of making a better choice. Rather, we can take a look at our marriages and find ways of making it work. Again, I point back to Sheila’s posts about how we need to love one another as an action, instead of getting wrapped up in the heady rush of attraction. The difference between then and now is that now we have so many more resources to give us advice on how to make it through. There are amazing counselors, books, and even blogs like Sheila’s to give you a knot to hang on to when you’re at the end of the rope.

What’s wonderful about being married in today’s day and age is that we have a great deal of wisdom we can draw from. Back when women didn’t have any rights, they did what they could to make the best out of what wasn’t always the situation they wanted for themselves.

For those of you who are history buffs, are there any pieces of historical marriage advice you’d offer? How can we use the wisdom of the women of the past to make our marriages better?

A self-professed crazy chicken lady, Danica Favorite loves the adventure of living a creative life. She loves to explore the depths of human nature and follow people on the journey to happily ever after. Though the journey is often bumpy, those bumps are what refine imperfect characters as they live the life God created them for. Oops, that just spoiled the ending of all of Danica’s stories. Then again, getting there is all the fun. You can find her at Danica Favorite or follow along with her on Facebook or Twitter. Her first book, Rocky Mountain Dreams, is available now.

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In Successful Marriages Spouses Scan for Things to Praise Not Criticize

It’s Wednesday, the day we always talk marriage! I introduce a post, and then you all can link up your own posts below. Today I want to talk about what makes a successful marriage, and according to John Gottman, it’s pretty simple. It’s all in your attitude.

Let me tell you the story of two women that I know.

One lady, we’ll call her Maude, is a senior. She hangs out with a lot of other senior ladies doing a particular hobby, which I can’t mention because my hometown will know who I’m talking about. She’s a riot, but every time she talks about her husband Gerry she complains about him. When the kids were little she could never leave him alone with them. He’s lazy. He doesn’t know how to cook. He forgets birthdays. He’s just a big kid himself.

I didn’t have a very high opinion of Gerry until one day he walked in and I actually met him. I was expecting a gruff, angry man. Instead I met a teddy bear whose eyes twinkled as he joked with everybody else there. But when he looked at Maude, his eyes grew almost dead. She picked at him, and he turned away. He was a great guy–but she didn’t see it.

Then there’s a university friend I’ll call Elaine. She and her husband Todd are complete opposites–they’ve done the Myers Briggs personality test and she’s an ISFP and he’s an ENTJ. He’s never held a job for more than 3 years, because he’s always trying new entrepreneurial ventures–most of which succeed. He’s got several businesses on the go now, but life is hectic. And his hobbies? They’re hectic, too. She’d like to sit and be quiet but he wants adventure. She thrives on stability; he thrives on every new thing.

And when she talks about him she may tease him, but she does it while touching his arm. She smiles when she looks at him. She’s impressed by his many different ideas. And she’s always saying nice things about him to other people.

John Gottman, who has been studying the “Science of Marriage” for several decades, would call Elaine a Marriage Master and Maude a Marriage Disaster. And the difference between the two is often not huge. It’s in two little things, according to a new study.

In a Successful Marriage People Scan for Successes

Contempt is the number one thing that drives people apart. Contempt says, “you aren’t doing this right and you never will.” Contempt judges and leaves people in the dust. Maude and Gerry were still technically married, but they hadn’t been happy in decades.

And contempt means that you notice failures, not successes. What’s the point in noticing a success? Sure, he may have said that one particular thing nicely, but that doesn’t count if he never remembers my birthday and works so hard that he’s rarely here. He may have put the kids in bed tonight so I can have some time to myself but that doesn’t count because he worked last Saturday and left me with all the kids and he’s always doing that. You see yourself as the martyr and him as the bad one, and no matter what he does, you don’t give him credit, because he can never dig himself out of the hole he’s in.

Suggestion: For one week, thank him every chance you get for every nice thing he does. Don’t ask whether he deserves it. Don’t think, “if I thank him for this he’ll think he’s off the hook about that.” Just do it.

Why? Because when you have to thank him, you have to look for things that he does that are good. When you look for them, you see them. You think about him. And you end up thinking of him in a new way.

In a Successful Marriage People Turn Towards Each Other

Your husband walks in the door and yells, “Hi! I’m home!” What do you do? Do you get up and give him a kiss, or do you ignore him and keep cooking dinner? Your husband says, “I saw a woman today who looks just like this girl I used to live beside when I was little. You don’t think it could be her, do you?” Do you reply,

How would I know?
Don’t be silly. You grew up across the country from here.
Neat! Who was the girl you grew up with?
You never know. Remember when we met my old Math teacher at the Grand Canyon?

When the husband walked in the door and called out, that was a “bid” for connection, Gottman says. When he began that conversation about the woman he recognized, it was another bid. In successful marriages, people scan for these “bids”, and when they happen, they move towards each other. Either literally–as in going to the door and hugging him–or in conversation–as with the last two replies, rather than the first two replies. They don’t cut someone off, they continue.

Suggestion: For one week, really listen to everything your husband says. Continue conversations and pay attention.

Why: You show your husband you value him. And as you talk, you do grow closer.

That’s it–just two things that can change the whole dynamic of your marriage.

I think women sometimes get in this mindset that says something like, “my marriage isn’t great and it never will be because my husband just doesn’t get it”, and then they give up trying. They relate to their husbands like the husbands are simply always wrong. They put all of their efforts into their kids, or into their jobs, or into their ministries. And even if everyone else can see that they’re married to a great guy, they can’t see it themselves. They gave up a long time ago, and sigh about him all the time.

And most people who are like this won’t even realize that this blog post is about them.

If you believe that your husband just doesn’t get it, and that you are destined to have a lousy marriage, I’m talking to you. If you believe that your husband is hopeless when it comes to the kids or any kind of personal interaction, I’m talking to you. If you believe that your husband mostly makes you miserable, I’m talking to you. If you believe that your job is to put up with your husband for the rest of your life, but that you’ll never be happy, I’m talking to you.

You are scanning for mistakes. Stop it. Your husband isn’t the only reason your marriage is distant–you’ve decided to make that distance bigger! Start scanning for successes and thank him for them and mention them immediately.

And stop pulling away from him. When he says something that could bring you closer, pull in closer. Pay attention.

Do you realize how small these two things are? Like Shaunti Feldhahn found, the key to successful marriages tends to be in the small things, like saying thank you to your husband.

No, they don’t solve all marriage problems. But what they do do is lower the tension in your marriage so that you’re relaxed around each other because you have goodwill. And if you’re relaxed and feel positively, you can talk about those bigger issues and deal with them so much more effectively.

Many good, Christian women show their husbands contempt (and many husbands show their wives contempt; I understand that, it’s just that I’m writing to women on this blog). That’s not doing your kids any favours.

I’m perhaps more passionate about this today because I’ve seen it in several marriages close to me lately, and that’s why I’ve been going on and on about it. But it’s so important: scan for success. Pull closer. Say nice things. Don’t overanalyze it. Don’t wonder if he deserves it. Don’t worry that it will make him think he gets off scot free. Just do it. Please. And see what happens.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Link up the URL of a marriage post in the linky below!

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Top 10 Ways to Show Your Husband He’s Important After the Baby Comes

How do you show your husband he’s important when you have a new baby and you’re exhausted?

A reader asks this question:

I’m wondering what there is that I can do to make sure my husband feels looked after in the time after a baby arrives. We just welcomed our first 16 days ago and I feel bad for my husband because taking care of the baby takes so much time I feel like I have no time to take care of his needs too. Do you have any advice? I know it’s very soon after baby but I want to make sure my husband knows he’s still a priority despite how much the baby needs.

That is a challenge, isn’t it? I’d say carve out “us time” when the baby goes in the swing for half an hour, but my youngest was colicky and that wouldn’t even have been an option. So I asked Arlene Pellicane, author of Growing Up Social and 31 Days to a Happy Husband, to share her best tips for letting your husband know he still matters to you.

When our first baby came into the world ten years ago, he was like little Simba being presented in the Lion King.  That exalted, tiny 7-pound lump was about to cause some serious changes to the kingdom of our home.  When baby makes three, it’s extremely helpful to realize that baby is prince (or princess) but daddy is still king.

If you’re not intentional about it, your husband can become like wallpaper in your home, quietly existing while all your attention goes to your sweet baby.

Here are the TOP TEN ways to make your husband feel special after baby:
Keep gazing into his eyes. 

The picture of a mom gazing into her baby’s eyes is powerful and iconic.  Deep bonding happens through this eye contact.  Make sure you spend time gazing into your husband’s eyes too.  You don’t have to stare at him for hours, but whenever you have the chance, savor each opportunity to look into his eyes.  By the way, this includes putting your phone down more often and looking him in the eyes when talking.

Oxytocin is for him too. 

Oxytocin is the bonding hormone – if you’re breast feeding, oxytocin is produced so you feel close to your baby.  When you kiss or hug your baby, your oxytocin level goes up and you like your baby more.  Guess what?  Oxytocin is necessary for you and your husband too!  Don’t forget to kiss, hug, and make love (once you’re physically able to again) to your man.  It will make you like him more and vice versa.

Kiss everyday for 5 seconds. 

In my book, 31 Days to a Happy Husband, I interviewed sex therapists Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner who suggested a daily 5 – 30 second kiss.  Since you have a baby, I’m making the assignment easier:  5 seconds will do!  Let your husband know that this daily kiss is not the “GO!” signal.  It’s just a way that you want to stay close and keep the pilot light lit between you.  These 5 seconds will speak volumes to your husband.  Just 5 seconds will let him know you still find him desirable and you care about him.

Bring on the babysitter.

Whether it’s a grandparent or a trusted teenager, hire a babysitter so you can go out.  Sometimes mothers are afraid to leave their precious baby, but trust me on this one.  As long as your baby is being watched responsibly, your baby will not remember that you went on a 3-hour date when he or she was 6 months old.  (But your husband will).

Skip the donut.

I had three babies and two miscarriages in my 30s.  My weight went up of course with each pregnancy, and it meant a lot to my husband when he saw me trying to lose that baby weight.  Men are wired to be visually stimulated so don’t be mad at your husband if he would love to see your “before pregnancy” body back.  Obviously your body changes through the years.  But when you skip the donut and grab the apple instead, it communicates you are doing your best to by physically healthy which means a lot to your husband.

Plan for sex. 

Exhausted and sleep deprived, you may not want to have spontaneous sex for a very long time!  But when your body is able, plan for romance and put it on the calendar.  Dr. David Clarke says parents who don’t schedule their sex, don’t have sex.  I agree!  You’ve got to make room in your calendar for what’s most important to your marriage and lovemaking falls into that category.

When baby naps, you nap.

It’s hard to be a caring wife, let alone an amorous one, when you are so sleepy and tired.  When your baby takes a nap, leave the laundry alone.  Fall off the planet with social media.  Don’t watch TV.  Take a nap instead.  The more you can snatch pockets of time to catch up on your zzz’s, the nicer you will be to your husband and everyone else.

Connect with other positive moms.

You need time with adults who are not burping, drooling, or needing to be changed.  This way you’re not expecting your husband to meet every conversational need in your life.   Join MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) or other mom group that will connect you to positive moms.  Or you can have a weekly playdate with a friend who has a child similar in age.  Just make sure that the moms you hang out with are positive.  Avoid moms who constantly complain about their spouses and their kids.  Complaining is contagious and that’s a virus you don’t want to catch.

Pray for your spouse.

My friend Sharon Jaynes has a wonderful book, Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe.  It’s easy to use, giving you Scriptures to pray over your man to protect and bless him.  As you bring your husband to God in prayer, he will feel your prayers and love.  And your heart will turn towards your husband.  When you’re praying for your husband, it’s hard to be irritated or callous toward him.

Respect his opinion.

Yes, you may know more about how the baby should be burped and when she was last changed, but when your husband has something to say about parenting, listen to him.  Continue to show him respect in your marriage, especially in this new role of child rearing.  So many men feel inept as fathers because their wives make them feel foolish.  Instead view parenting as a team sport, where both husband and wife have something valuable to offer.

Okay…which way are you going to practice today to make your hubby feel special?  After all, it’s awfully hard to compete with a 7-pound lump of cuteness and perfection! 

Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World (co-authored with Gary Chapman), 31 Days to a Happy Husband, and 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Wife.

Arlene has been featured on the Today Show, Fox & Friends, Focus on the Family, Family Life Today, The Better Show, The 700 Club, Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah, and TLC’s Home Made Simple.

She and her husband James live in San Diego with their three children.  You can learn more about her ministry at www.ArlenePellicane.com

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Random Thoughts, Respect, and Reading!

I’ve been sitting here staring at my computer screen for about 15 minutes trying to figure out what to write. I have a backlog of Reader Questions to answer, and usually I do those on Mondays, but I feel a little brain dead right now.

…Speaking at a Weekend Retreat

I’m just back from speaking at a women’s retreat up in Muskoka (northern Ontario), and it was a riot! I shared about living “No Strings Attached”, about the things that we often hold back from God and the things that keep us from living a full life.

And we ended up cutting some of those strings!

We talked about how when we live wholly for God, we live a bigger life. It’s scarier. It’s more risky. But it’s so much more worthwhile.

Specifically I was sharing from my book How Big Is Your Umbrella, which talks about the things that we yell at God when life is really tough, and what God whispers back. You can get that book as part of the Christian Living Bundle Sale–85 + ebooks, courses, and mp3 downloads, worth over $1100, for just $34.95. But it’s up tonight at midnight EST! Check out all the books you get in this post.

…and then the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle Sale will be over!

Two of my closest friends came up for the weekend with me, which was fun. But it SNOWED! It is way too early for winter, even for this Canadian girl.

…I Don’t Like My Gall Bladder

…and I’d really like to see it gone. Unfortunately it’s not cooperating, and all the tests they’ve done so far haven’t shown anything conclusive. But I’m just sure that’s my problem. The good news? I’ve switched my diet to completely clean eating. The bad news? Yesterday I was tired and hungry and busy so we cheated and went to a restaurant where I thought I was ordering something relatively safe. I haven’t had an attack in 3 weeks, you see.

But I was up for several hours in pain again last night. Dear gall bladder: go away. Dear doctor: please take it out soon. Thank you.

…Thinking About Thanking Your Man

In other news, I received a neat email from Emily, one of my readers. After reading this post on why a simple thank you can transform your marriage, she told me this:

My husband is away this week. I gave him a pile of notes, one for each day he’s gone. Normally, those would be fairly sappy love notes. This time I tried something different. Each note starts with thanking him for a way he blesses me or our family. I’m hoping that will be more meaningful for him, and it was a fun exercise to come up with 6 different things I appreciate about him.

A great idea!

Lately I’ve been struck by how women tend not to thank their husbands for little things. Sometimes it’s because we’re overwhelmed by all the big things we have to do that saying thank you for something small seems ridiculous. Doesn’t he get how hard we work? But you know, it’s just being polite. And if we look for ways to thank him, I think we’ll notice how many little things our husbands DO do.

I’ve heard of several marriages breaking up this weekend. And it’s made me a little sad, which is perhaps why I’m having trouble thinking of a big overarching theme for a post today. But please, ladies, no matter where you are in your marriage, can you try to say thank you today for something? Just thank him. I have some stories I’d like to share on this but I can’t because they’re not mine to share, but I need to figure out a way to do so anonymously or something, because this is a huge deal. I have seen so many women lately just discount their husbands’ efforts or focus entirely on how hard THEIR lives are (and they are, no doubt), but in so doing they’re pushing their husbands away and they’re losing the intimacy and friendship that could help them get through the difficulties in their marriages.

Just say thank you. Seriously.

Let’s Stop It with the Disrespect
Exhibit A:

Erotica for women today is almost entirely focused on some sort of bondage. When did we decide that a man degrading a woman is sexy and is okay? Sexual play? Fine. Domination and whipping and humiliation? Not okay.

I wrote last week in my post about Pulling Back the Shades that we need to reassess what passes as sexy for women today, and I think this goes to the heart of something important: if we train our society to think that humiliating women is sexy, then why do we think it’s going to stop in the bedroom, or that it will always be between two consensual adults?

Exhibit B:

Up here in Canada there’s a scandal going on regarding one of our country’s most popular news commentary dudes: Jian Ghomeshi. Multiple women have now come forward to say that he forced them into 50 Shades of Grey-like scenarios, and it was definitely NOT consensual. I’m going to write more about this once I’ve been able to process it, but it’s gross.

Exhibit C:

Women are getting incredibly catty with one another. You see it in the celebrity gossip about what starlet hates what other starlet. We see it in TV shows like Desperate Housewives, where the women are at war with each other.

Why should we expect men to respect us if we women don’t even respect each other?

So what can you do? Don’t participate. When you see a link to some article about stars hating each other, don’t click it. Don’t watch shows that have women disrespecting each other. We are never going to create a culture of respect if we allow ourselves to be sucked in by the opposite. Let’s demand more of our media, and more of ourselves.

And for pity’s sake, let’s stop gossiping about other women and let’s try instead to help our friends when they’re going through a tough time. Instead of picking up the phone and talking to another woman about some friend and what she’s doing, just pray for that woman.

…Thinking About Wisdom from of Old

When I did my birthday retreat (I take a day and pray through my goals for the upcoming year, and ask God to give me words and verses and songs that I can cling to for the year ahead), one of the things I did was make a decision to read more GOOD books this year. I don’t tend to read enough since I’m on the computer all day, and at night I just want to collapse and knit and turn my brain off. But I need to go deeper, and so I’ve decided to spend a half hour reading a quality book every night from now on.

And one of the things I decided was that I was going to read more of the Christian classics–Tozer, Dwight L. Moody, etc. They have such interesting things to say, and God used them so mightily, and yet we tend to forget them today.

When I saw how many awesome classics were included in the Christian Living Bundle I got really excited. I’m especially interested in the ones on prayer, since I think God is calling me to learn more about prayer in the year ahead. These classics are amazing (they’re the reason my mom bought the bundle!), and if you want a challenge in your life to go deeper, I’d really encourage picking up the bundle.

I’ve talked mostly about the parenting and marriage books, but the classics are important ones, too. Check them out:

And the devotional ones (including one by Tozer!) will help you in your daily walk, too.

I think we all need more God in our lives, to help us with gratitude and respect and to cut those strings that hold us back. This is a great resource to help you on your walk. And don’t forget–the Bundle is gone tonight at midnight!

Tomorrow hopefully my head will be clear and we’ll be back for Top 10 Tuesday! Thanks for listening to my rant. I think I’ll go for a walk and try to clear my head a little bit more.

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How to Really Make a Difference

…and then the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle Sale will be over!

We’re in the middle of the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle Sale! And it will all be over Monday at midnight EST. Today I want to focus on how to expand our influence in the world.

A few years ago I was absolutely obsessed with politics. I read the news voraciously, I devoured blogs, and I complained nonstop about the country’s direction and the political system.

There was just one problem. I wasn’t actually changing anything. I could see what needed changing, but I was putting all sorts of emotional energy into worrying about something that I couldn’t actually do much about.

I came to the conclusion that the world wasn’t going to get better until people understood that family mattered and that morals mattered. We needed to take responsibility for ourselves and act right. Reading the news constantly reinforced my views and made me sure I was right (which is a very heady and great feeling–to be right), but it didn’t do anything about the essential problem–that people were ignoring their families.

And so after one election I quit cold turkey. I decided no more blogs, no more news, I would just write this blog. By writing this blog I might be able to actually help a family or two. I decided to put my energy into the places where I might actually have influence.

My mother shared with me this concept about influence, and I thought it was brilliant. I’m going to adapt it slightly here, but essentially we live in a world that can be divided up into three circles: the things you can control; the things you can influence; and the things that you cannot influence or control.

Things I Can Control

Basically, this circle is very small. It contains only one person: yourself. You can control what you do, how you react, how you spend your time, etc.

Things I Can Influence

You can influence those closest to you: your family, your friends, your coworkers. And you have a higher degree of influence on those closest to you.

Things I Can’t Influence or Control

You can’t change the weather, the economy, what your boss decides to do with your company, what ISIS terrorists do, what happens with Ebola, etc. etc etc. Most things are out of our control, and God does not ask us to spend time in areas that are out of our control. He asks us to do what we can–in the areas we can control.

But where do we spend most of our emotional energy? Worrying about things that we can’t control or influence.

Yet here’s something interesting: the more time we spend in the circles we can control and influence, the more influence we will have. And as we do that, often our sphere of influence grows. We’re actually more effective. And there’s a side benefit: people who spend most of their emotional energy in these two circles tend to be more joyful and peaceful. They aren’t worrying about things they can do nothing about; they’re pouring their energy into things they can influence, and often they’re seeing real changes.

Let me give you two examples of how this plays out. In marriage, we often spend most of the time wondering how we can get our husbands to change: how to make them more romantic; how to get them to spend more time with the family; how to get them to want to talk to us. But you can’t change him. If you spend more time in the circle you can control, though–yourself–you will likely see your marriage changing. You can change how you react to him. You can find ways to insert joy into your life. You can change how you react to the kids and change the tone of the house. And as you do that, you’ll find your marriage, and your attitude about marriage, improving.

Here’s another one: when I was pregnant with my second child, we find out that he had a serious heart defect that would likely end his life early. I spent a lot of time in that outer circle, worrying about him and fretting and crying. But I couldn’t do anything about his heart defect. When I decided to spend time in the circle I could control–my own reactions–I started looking for little things to be grateful for everyday. I started learning to savour every moment I had with him. And when Christopher did pass away, I was much more peaceful about it because I had leaned on God rather than given over to worry.

If you want to read more about this story, my book How Big Is Your Umbrella is part of the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle Sale this week! I talk about the things that we yell at God when life is lousy, and what God whispers back.

When we spend time with our kids and their friends, we can change this little bit of our culture, and that can have an effect on the wider society. When we help out a single mom in our neighbourhood, we can give her kids hope that marriage can work and show them good role models of strong, responsible men. When we choose to act in our circle of influence, we can end up changing, albeit in a small way, the culture that so upsets us.

This week I’ve been reading through some of the books in the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle sale, and there was one in particular that stood out to me: They Call Me Dad. It reads like a novel–almost an action thriller–and it’s the story of how an American pastor ended up rescuing kids from the Romanian orphanages in the early 1990s. It will bring tears to your eyes and cover you in goosebumps.

But what really struck me was how the whole story started. The pastor was happy in his life at his home, speaking and raising his kids and loving his wife. And then his dad in Scotland, who was suffering from cancer, called and started pestering him. “Babies are dying!” Camera crews had gone into Romania and were sending back pictures on the news of these horrible conditions, and this poor old man was overcome. He pestered and pestered his son until finally he flew over to Scotland to take his dad to Romania.

Meanwhile, his dad had been on the phone constantly, drumming up donations of diapers and formula and clothing and medicine. By the time he got there, the guy had a tractor trailer worth of stuff. And soon, after getting on the phone some more, they found a tractor trailer to haul the stuff, too. So off they went.

The story doesn’t end there, it only starts there. But that old man saw a picture on the news and he didn’t just cry about it or worry about it or lament about it. He did something about it. He thought of all the people that he knew that he could influence, and then he began calling in favours. And it wasn’t through that old man that God rescued those orphans; it was through his son Philip. But that man started the chain of events by spending time in his circle of influence.

I don’t know how many of us are called to do big things like Philip Cameron was, but his story is still amazing and I hope all of you read it. Yet the principle, I think, is a sound one: if you want to have influence, don’t just worry and fret and complain. Actually do something in your circle of influence. That’s the way we change our marriages, our communities, and the world–and that’s the way we find true joy, true purpose, and true effectiveness in this life.

They Call Me Dad is a great book. And best of all, it’s part of the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle, available until Monday at midnight!

But it’s only 1 of the books. There are 84 others, plus ecourses, mp3s of Scripture memory songs to sing with your kids, downloads of workout videos, bonuses of card packs and free books, and more! There’s even a personality test you can take.

Here are my favourite books from the bundle:

…and let’s get real about expanding our influence in our marriages, our communities, and the world!

The post How to Really Make a Difference appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Pulling Back the Shades on Fifty Shades of Grey

…and then the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle Sale will be over!

We’re in the middle of the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle Sale! And it will all be over Monday at midnight EST.

And today I’d like to share with you specifically about one of the books that’s in the Bundle Sale that is so important for my readers and my blog.  It’s Pulling Back the Shades: Erotica, Intimacy and the Longings of a Woman’s Heart by Dannah Gresh and Juli Slattery.

They’re talking about how the book series Fifty Shades of Grey and other erotica can wreck your sex drive, your marriage, and your spiritual life. And they’re so right. We can’t ignore this stuff.

I write a lot about pornography on this blog: I write about the effects of porn, how to deal with a husband’s addiction to porn, and more. But while porn is a major problem for men (and increasingly for women, since 30% of porn users are women), that does not mean that women are immune from these types of struggles. They just take different forms–and erotica is one of the main forms.

And so I’d like to share with you some quotes from the book, and some of my own thoughts. They write:

We believe that the release of the Fifty Shades of Grey series was a transforming moment that fueled the erotica craze, normalizing its use. The series has done for women and erotica what the advent of the Internet did for men and porn.

Fifty Shades of Grey made erotica become mainstream–and acceptable.

My family and I were on a cruise shortly after the craze, and my girls were gobsmacked by how many women were reading it on their Kindles on the pool deck–with their husbands sitting beside them, where everyone could see. It’s socially acceptable now, because it’s seen as empowering! It just boosts a woman’s libido, and what can be the harm in that?

Well, Dannah and Juli show how it boosts that libido in a very significant way, by appealing to a woman’s five major longings:

To escape reality
To be cherished by a man
To be protected by a strong man
To rescue a man
To be sexually alive

Think about how a book that’s about a strong, rich, multibillionaire who is troubled getting a young, naive girl involved in bondage will answer each of those 5 needs. The woman reading it escapes reality. She enters a story where this man who has everything is nonetheless obsessed and enthralled with this normal girl. He showers her with gifts, yet at the same time he is very strong–he totally dominates her. But he has these demons that only she can get rid of for him by her love. And in the midst of all that she has amazing sex (and as you read them you get aroused, too.

Erotica feeds right into our essential desires, but it does it in a counterfeit way.

“Erotica strategically and masterfully pulls you in by exploiting what your heart secretly longs for.”

Then Juli Slattery says this:

Having read the Fifty Shades trilogy, I will say with great confidence that these books are not merely fiction—a story that could be true but is not—but are actually fantasy— something that could not possibly be true.

Sure, they may meet our needs, but it’s completely not true. If you look at the plot, it can’t possibly be true. And that makes it a fantasy. The Narnia series is a fantasy–it breaks the laws of physics and nature by creating an alternate world you can travel to. Lord of the Rings is fantasy because it breaks other laws of nature to create a magical world that can’t exist. But those fantasy worlds are good ones, because they do not break moral laws. The erotic novels, on the other hand, actually change the laws–moral and relational laws. That’s why it’s called shades of grey–there aren’t black and white anymore. And the author says so explicitly in the book.

Breaking down moral rules is part of what she sets out to do in Fifty Shades of Grey.

Her main character is even called Christian. And look at what passes for love–dominating, humiliating, being abusive and making someone else complete you.

They do a wonderful job of explaining the black spiritual undertones to the books, but then they show why it is that even with these undertones we gravitate towards them.

Think about this, though: having to call someone Master–it’s a spiritual thing. And Jesus came to proclaim freedom! But they show how the BDSM lifestyle can appeal to women who are desperate to have a man act more like a man. Ultimately, though, it doesn’t enhance intimacy. It replaces it with adventure and danger, which does heighten sexual response because it releases certain hormones which make us feel more alive. But it isn’t intimacy. And the more that sexual response is paired with this kind of thing, the less your sexual response will even work when you’re trying to “make love”–when you’re trying to be intimate.

They share many stories of girls and women who have read the books and have gotten caught up in erotica. Some of you have shared those stories with me, too. I’ve had several women write about how they grew up in very conservative households, and they started with the Beverly Lewis Amish books. They devoured all those from the church library when they were 12 and 13, so then they moved on to the Karen Kingsbury and other romances there. When they had read all the romances, they went to the public library and looked for secular romances. And soon they were reading Nora Roberts and books with explicit sex scenes.

And before you know it they were seeking out erotica online–even as teens in a conservative Christian home.

Now they’re adults and they can’t stop. They count the moments until they can take some time to themselves and read an erotic novel. And they can’t have sx with their husbands without picturing some scene from the novel. It’s invaded everything.

But that kind of “boosting your libido” is fake.

The authors write,

Erotica like Fifty Shades of Grey is aimed at awakening your physical sexual desire without any connection to emotional, relational, or spiritual reality. Even if the main characters are “in love,” you are not! Whatever emotional and sexual response these novels create in you, they are disconnected from your love relationships and your longing to know and honor God.

It’s not that adventure in bed is wrong–and they do a good job of what’s okay and what’s not okay in the bedroom, and came to EXACTLY the same conclusions I did in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex on EVERYTHING, so I’m glad about that! Adventure is good, and discovery and exploration is good. But when it’s combined with something that isn’t about intimacy but is about humiliation or degradation, there are some serious problems.

Their conclusion:

While erotica might originally heighten sexual feelings, over the long haul it erodes something much more important—intimacy.

I know many of you are struggling with addictions or temptations towards erotica.

I know for many of us it IS a huge temptation. And that is not wrong. We’re all tempted towards something. But if you continue to read this kind of erotica, it will impact your sex life with your husband in a very negative way. You’ll be living your sex life through fantasy, and that is basically the same as cheating. How would you feel if your husband had to picture porn to get aroused? If you have to picture a scene from a book, you’re doing that, too.

It changes what we respond to. It changes how our bodies work. It makes us dissatisfied in our marriages and with our husbands. And it just plain is dangerous.

Pulling Back the Shades is a great book. It’s not only about Fifty Shades of Grey–it’s about the whole erotic, BDSM phenomenon that is sweeping through our culture. And I’d encourage you to read it, even if you’re not struggling with this, because we need to understand what’s going on so we can talk to our friends, our sisters, and our daughters about it.

And best of all, Pulling Back the Shades is part of the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle, available until Monday at midnight!

But it’s only 1 of the books. There are 84 others, plus ecourses, mp3s of Scripture memory songs to sing with your kids, downloads of workout videos, bonuses of card packs and free books, and more! There’s even a personality test you can take.

Here are my favourite books from the bundle:

…and let’s get real about fighting back against erotica and it’s destructive power on marriages!

 

The post Pulling Back the Shades on Fifty Shades of Grey appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

The Incredible Value of the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle–with Bonuses!

Who among us doesn’t want to lead a life worth living?

With great kids, a loving marriage, a successful career or business and a closer, faith-filled walk with the Lord. But for many of us, making that a reality is big challenge!

Balancing life’s priorities can seem a bit overwhelming at times. The pressures of work, the need for finances, the demands of parenting and the resulting strain on marriage can leave us weathered, weary and wondering what really works in life?

That’s where the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle comes in. Ultimate-Bundles.com called in some best selling authors, leading experts and top business professionals to address the most common challenges faced by families and individuals today – all from a solid, Biblical foundation.

About 3 times a year I share with you awesome opportunities to buy bundles–tons of books bundled together for one low price, that will never be seen again! So many books that there are bound to be several dozen that you really enjoy and find helpful. And this bundle is no exception–I especially love the parenting, devotional, and sharing your faith resources (and I love the four novels simply because I love NOVELS!) Plus my book, How Big Is Your Umbrella, about walking through grief, is also included.

 

 

For the ridiculously low price of just $34.95 (for the PDF version) or $39.97 (for the eReader version), you can get access to a carefully curated collection of eBooks and eCourses with a total combined value of over $1,140 that addresses these issues with stunning clarity and practical application.

For the family…

The bundle contains 10 wonderful books focused on incredibly inventive ways you can craft the marriage you signed on for. To complement that subject, they added 8 more books focused on parenting and passing on your faith to your kids. That wouldn’t be complete without books just for kids so they also included 8 children’s books that parents can read with their children. To close out the content for family life, the highly praised Singing Bible MP3 version was added (a $25 value all by itself). It actually teaches children the story of the Bible not just random stories.

Sheila says: one of the best books for kids is A Perfect Pet for Peyton by Gary Chapman which explains love languages to kids!

For your professional life…

You will find John Muratori and Michael Pink’s six -hour Christian Wealth Building course ($77 value) which was complemented with Bob Lotich’s 31-day devotional Managing Money God’s Way. There are a total of 14 business related books and courses including Zig Ziglar’s powerful Born To Win course (that Seth Godin and Dave Ramsey rave about), Dr. James B. Richards, Wired For Success – Programmed For Failure and Untold Secrets for Creating Wealth by Brig Hart and John Beehner. You’ll even find one of the best selling Christian business books of all time, The Bible Incorporated – In Your Life, Job & Business.

To ignite your faith…

Rounding out the package, Bridge Logos and Moody Press made a series of classic Christian literature available from generals of the faith like Charles Spurgeon, D.L. Moody, A.W. Pink, E.M. Bounds, Calvin, Wesley, Edwards and more who wrote about grace, prayer, faith and an overcoming life.

In addition to these wonderful classics, the Ultimate Bundles team snagged 12 heart-stirring devotionals from authors like A.W. Tozer and Nancy Leigh DeMoss that speak to matters of faith that are sure to inspire. Let’s not forget Gary Chapman’s Extraordinary Grace or Ray Comfort’s Way of the Master for sharing your faith with others. Both heartbreaking and inspiring, don’t miss Philip Cameron’s, They Call Me Dad, the story of one man’s fight to save orphans from human trafficking.

 

Sheila says: Oh, my goodness, They Call Me Dad is amazing and riveting and I was crying by page 2. What a story! It kept me from some serious work yesterday for several hours while I was devouring it. Now I want to head back to start an orphanage in Kenya…

 

 

 

The Ultimate Christian Living Bundle is an extraordinary value.

But it still gets better…

The Ultimate Bundles team asked several sponsors to step up to the plate and with no strings attached, provide meaningful BONUS GIFTS. One of the first to step up was Dayspring Greeting Cards who offered a choice of heart-warming gift card packages to choose from. Another, is a downloadable DVD workout series for getting in shape and maintaining health. With a retail value of $62.99 it includes a Biblical study guide for stewarding your health. Bonus gifts alone have a total retail value of over $160.

 So now you know…

For as little as $34.95 you can receive over $1,140 worth of valuable eBooks and eCourses that address the issues of life most of us face at one time or another, from a profoundly Biblical worldview. The BONUS GIFTS alone are worth more than four times the price of the bundle! So, if you want to ignite your faith, strengthen your family and help your professional life, there’s no better place to start! All the hard work has been done for you…

The Ultimate Christian Living Bundle will only be on sale for 6 days – from 8am (EST) on Wednesday, November 5th until 11:59pm (EST) on Monday, November 10th.

But don’t wait until the last moment – there are only 18,500 bundles available and once they’re gone, they’re gone!

 

You can buy with confidence because your purchase is covered by the Ultimate Bundles 30-day guarantee: you have a full month to enjoy all the books and courses in the bundle, and if you don’t feel like it’s made a huge difference to your family’s life, you’ll get your money back in full!

Here’s what you need to know about the sale:

When? 8 a.m. (EST) Wednesday, November 5th until 11:59 p.m. (EST) Monday, November 10th (or until 18,500 bundles are sold).

What?  84 eBooks plus eCourses and more, PLUS over $160 worth of bonus products you’ll really use!

Where? Purchase the bundle HERE.

How much? Well now, that’s the best part. The entire package is worth over $1,140, and it’s yours for as little as $34.95. Sweet deal, right?

When you’re ready, you can either buy here directly, or right through the website. It’s fast and easy, and you’ll have your bundle sent to you via email within minutes.

Click here for more info or to buy now.

Remember, this bundle is available for 6 days only, from 8 a.m. (EST) on Wednesday, November 5th to 11:59 p.m. (EST) on Monday, November 10th (or until 18,500 bundles are sold).

Want to know exactly what’s included in the bundle?

Take a look through the categories, as well as the full list of included resources.

Business & Personal Finance

Bible Incorporated by Michael @ MichaelPink.com ($10.00)
Born to Win by Zig and Tom Ziglar ($9.99)
Christian Business Legends by Rick Williams and Jared Crooks ($10.00)
Christian Wealth Building by John Muratori and Michael Pink @ MichaelPink.com ($77.00)
Discover Your Purpose by Jory @ JoryFisher.com ($19.97)
Managing Money God’s Way by Bob Lotich @ ChristianPF ($5.99)
My Father’s Business by Peter Tsukahira ($13.99) 
Rainforest Strategy by Michael @ MichaelPink.com ($25.00)
Selling Among Wolves by Michael @ MichaelPink.com ($15.00)
Taking Back the Gates of Commerce by Michael @ MichaelPink.com ($77.00)
The Art of Storytelling by John Walsh ($10.49)
The Road to Purpose by Carlos L. Malone, Sr. ($12.81)
The Untold Secret that Creates True Wealth by Brig Hart & John Beehner at Ask Wise Counsel ($13.84)
Wired for Success Programmed for Failure by Dr. James B. Richards ($13.49)

Christian Classics Series

Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray ($13.99)
All of Grace by Charles H. Spurgeon ($13.99)
Answers to Prayer by George Mueller ($14.99)
Fellowship of the Burning Heart by A.W. Tozer ($13.99)
God the Creator by John Clavin ($15.99)
Names of God by Nathan Stone ($5.24)
Power, Passion & Prayer by Charles G. Finney ($14.99)
Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God by Jonathan Edwards ($15.99)
The Classic Collection on Prayer by E.M. Bounds ($18.99)
The Holy Spirit & Power by John Wesley ($14.99)
The Incomparable Christ by J. Oswald Sanders ($6.74)
The Overcoming Life by D.L. Moody ($16.99)
The Pilgrim’s Progress in Modern English by John Bunyan ($17.99)
The Sovereignty of God by A.W. Pink ($15.99)

Christian Living

Equipped for Effectiveness in Spiritual Warfare by Al Pittman ($11.99)
Extraordinary Grace by Gary Chapman & Chris Fabry ($17.99) 
How Big is Your Umbrella? by Sheila @ SheilaWrayGregoire.com ($2.99)
It Happens After Prayer by H.B. Charles, Jr. ($9.74)
One Kingdom Under God by Dr. Tony Evans ($6.74)
One Minute After Your Die by Erwin W. Lutzer ($5.24) 
Relationships for Life by Richard Marks, PhD ($9.99)
Watching God Work by Carolyn Koontz Dearteaga ($13.99)
Who Are You and Why Are You Here? by Dan Miller @ 48 Days ($35)

Devotional Life

#Disciple by Scott @ Simple Life, Abundant Life ($4.99)
30 Days to a Life Made Full by Shanti @ Life Made Full ($14.99) 
30 Daily Appointments with Heaven by Dr. Reggie Anderson ($2.99)
A Thousand Years by Stanton Lanier ($8.99)
Good News of the Day by Yo Snyder ($16.99)
Guilt-Free Quiet Times by Emily @ Glo-Girl ($9.99) 
Mornings with Tozer by A.W. Tozer ($13.49)
Pause by Chris Maxwell ($9.99) 
Prayers & Meditations by Christin @ ChristinDitchfield.com ($10.00)
Prayers That Change Things by Lloyd B. Hildebrand ($9.99) 
The Quiet Place by Nancy Leigh DeMoss ($14.99)
This God We Serve by Rev. William J. Morford ($12.97)

For Children

A Perfect Pet for Peyton by Gary Chapman & Rick Osborne ($3.99)  (This is awesome!)
Because I Said So Combo Pack by Kim @ Not Consumed ($8.49)
Christ in the Commandments by Luke & Trisha @ Intoxicated on Life ($8.99) 
Christmas Celebrations by Kerry @ How to Homeschool My Child ($14.95)
Katie and Addie (with J.D.) Love Washington, D.C. by Michele Wetteland & John Rose ($8.99)
Learning to Speak Life: Fruit of the Spirit by Michael & Carlie @ Managing Our Blessings ($4.99) 
Saying Yes to God As a Family by Kristen @ We Are THAT Family ($1.99) 
Thanksgiving Heart by Stacie @ Motherhood on a Dime ($3.99)
The Singing Bible by Lightwave Publishing ($24.95)

Inspirational Novels

Junia: Woman Apostle, Only a Girl by Wanda Vassallo ($14.26) 
Pearl in the Sand by Tessa Afshar ($9.99) 
The Prodigy Project by Doug @ All Truth is God’s Truth ($9.99)
The Turning by Davis Bunn ($9.99) 

Married Life

25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband by Jennifer @ Loving Life at Home
100 Ways to Love Your Husband by Lisa @ Club 31 Women ($9.99)
100 Ways to Love Your Wife by Matthew @ MatthewLJacobson.com ($9.99)
365+ Ways to Love Your Wife When Your Kids Are Young by Leah @ LeahHeffner.com ($4.99)
Intentional Marriage by Crystal @ Serving Joyfully ($4.99)
No Longer Two by Jennifer Miller ($8.99) 
Pulling Back the Shades by Dannah Gr1esh & Dr. Juli Slattery ($8.99) 
Team Us: Marriage Together by Ashleigh Slater ($10.49)
Worth the Fight by Kayse @ KaysePratt.com ($3.99)
Your Supernatural Marriage by Bob & Audrey Meisner ($12.61) 

Parenting

Even-Tempered Mother by Tabitha @ Meet Penny ($4.99) 
Financial Parenting by Larry Burkett & Rick Osborne ($7.95) 
From Grouchy to Great by Ruth @ The Better Mom ($4.99)
The Spaghetti Shots by Courtney @ CourtneyWestlake.com ($4.99) 
Teaching Your Child How to Pray by Rick Osborne ($10.49) 
The Unwired Mom by Sarah Mae @ SarahMae.com ($4.99)
Three Decades of Fertility by Natalie @ Visionary Womanhood ($5.99)
When Motherhood Feels Too Hard by Kelly @ Generation Cedar ($4.97)

Reaching the Lost

How to Know God Exists by Ray Comfort ($7.50)
Reach: How to Use Your Social Media Influence for the Glory of God by Laura @ LauraKrokos.com ($4.99) 
The Way of the Master by Ray Comfort ($7.69)
They Call Me Dad by Philip @ Stella’s Voice ($12.95)  (Oh, my goodness! This is the best book in the bundle right here! It kept me riveted for hours).

Click here for more info or to buy now.

Remember, this bundle is available for 6 days only, from 8 a.m. (EST) on Wednesday, November 5th to 11:59 p.m. (EST) on Monday, November 10th (or until 18,500 bundles are sold).

Disclosure: I have included affiliate links in this post. Read the fine print about this bundle and read the answers to frequently asked questions about the bundle.

The post The Incredible Value of the Ultimate Christian Living Bundle–with Bonuses! appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.

Top 10 Ways to Tell Your Husband What You Want in Bed

How do you tell your husband what you want in bed? It’s a scary thing, isn’t it? You have to be vulnerable and actually share something intensely personal. Here’s a letter I received from a reader:

Me and my man have been together for a year and a half, and we can talk about almost anything. It’s wonderful! But when it comes to needing to discuss things like sex, and telling him what I like or showing him I get so shy and nervous I get on the borderline of having a panic attack. I know now that I should tell him and ask him instead of just going along with whatever. But I’m so extremely shy about talking to him about it. A lot of little things bring me to the point of an anxiety attack, like the thought of doing it in the light, or him seeing my face with or without light or even me seeing his, (I’m also insecure about the way I react when I orgasm, I feel like I don’t react right, it’s hard to explain). How do I get over my shyness?

Now, one caveat before I try to answer the question: I’m not sure if my reader is married or not. I know many people who read this blog aren’t married, and that’s perfectly fine. But my advice is really for married women, because sex changes so much once you’re married. Good sex requires vulnerability, and that kind of vulnerability you cannot have when there is no commitment. When people are engaged sexually before marriage, they often feel more intimate than they really are, because they’ve shared their bodies. They may not actually, however, have shared real emotional intimacy. It’s like the physical has gone 100 miles an hour, and outstripped the other. It’s hard to be truly vulnerable when you don’t have a commitment and when you haven’t shared your heart as much. That’s why God designed sex to be in marriage alone: outside of marriage it takes on a whole new meaning, and that can really distort sex.

When I wrote and did my surveys for my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found the women who had the best sex were those who had been married for over a decade, who felt the most spiritually intimate together, and who had waited until marriage to have sex.

So I’d just encourage women in this situation: back up and ask yourself what you want. If you want marriage, then don’t settle for less. And read this!

Okay, now let’s get back to the question at hand.

Picture this scenario: your wedding night is here–all that hopeful bliss you’ve been promised your whole life. And, whether you’re a virgin or not, the earth doesn’t really move. You think to yourself, “is this all there is?” But you don’t say anything, because you don’t want to wreck your guy’s pride, after all. And then the honeymoon goes on, and the earth still doesn’t move, and you still don’t say anything because you secretly wonder if something’s wrong with you. He’s enjoying himself; why aren’t you?

Weeks go by. Then months. Maybe even years. And you’ve never really told him, “I actually don’t like it when you touch my breasts like that. It’s too rough”, or “I really need you to pay more attention for longer to my clitoris before intercourse–but not so hard,” or “I’d actually like to try another position.” You’ve never said any of these things. And now you’re scared to, because if you do, isn’t it like saying, “we’ve been doing it wrong this whole time”?

I don’t think so, for two reasons. First, the vast majority of men honestly want to please their wives. Their pleasure is largely dependent on our pleasure. When we’re not having that much fun, they know, and it makes sex less exciting and a little disappointing to them, too. So they’d likely love some tips on how to make sex fun!

But more importantly, when you start sharing what you want, you open up to your husband. You become more sexual. And that’s sexy, in and of itself! When we’re honest, especially about something so personal, we will feel closer, and that makes sex hotter, too!

So today, on Top 10 Tuesday, I’d like to share 10 ways, from easy to more challenging, to tell him what you want in bed.
1. When he touches somewhere good, make sure he knows!

Moan a lot. Seriously. Say, “oh, yes, that’s wonderful”, or “right there, baby”. If you’re too shy to actually say, “I want you to do X”, then make sure that every time he comes anywhere near doing X, you moan and give him some positive reinforcement!

2. Guide his hand (or whatever else!)

Can’t say it out loud? Do a mime performance. Take his hand (or whatever else) and show him where you want to be touched. Be active! Don’t just lie there and let HIM make love to YOU; be an active participant and make things happen.

3. Be the one in control

Taking #2 a step further, if you’re the one initiating and running things, you can often make them go the way you want them to. So if you’re the one who starts making love, and you start rubbing against him, or climbing on top and changing things so the angle is just right, or taking his hand and showing him, that can work well, too. And then he knows more what turns you on when he sees the effect it’s having!

4. Play teacher

Decide that tonight you’re going to play “teacher”, where you instruct him for 15 minutes on what he’s doing, and he only gets his “prize” if he “passes”. This can be a fun one, because you can tell him, “not so rough”, or “slower”, or “more circles”, or whatever it may be. If you’re playing a teacher, then it is not always as intimidating. This often works well if you BOTH have a chance. You be teacher one night and he can be teacher the next night.

These scenarios where you’re the one in control are often easier for women who have sexual abuse in their background, too. It can be easier to let down your defences when you know that nothing will happen that you don’t want or haven’t asked for specifically.

5. Take lipstick and draw a treasure map where you want some attention

Want him to spend more time on foreplay and more time in certain areas? Take a lipstick and draw a treasure map on yourself. Start with 1 and work your way up to number 10, and he has to “connect the dots”, spending at LEAST a minute on each number. If you have a difficult time actually vocalizing what you want, giving him a map may make it easier!

6. Make him stay still and “use” him

Sometimes we just don’t know what we want. We’re not sure what feels good. Using his body with the expectation that you will set the agenda can help you explore more without worrying that he’d rather just “get on with things”. So set the timer for 10 minutes, or 15 minutes, or however long you want and tell him under no circumstances is he allowed to move–or even talk. If you get nervous about what he’s thinking or that he may not respect you or that he may think foreplay is silly, then having him talk can also get your anxiety level up again. But if he’s not allowed to move or say anything and you can just use any part of him that you want, then this can be much easier (you can tell him he can move his mouth if you put something there, for instance). But this lets you explore his body and figure out what you like about it, too.

Often when we make love we rush through, and then we don’t always figure out what’s really fun. Take the time to figure out what you actually like!

7. Show him what feels good yourself

This one takes some courage, and not everyone is comfortable doing it. But the vast majority of men really do enjoy it. Show him how you want to be touched by touching yourself. I’m not talking about full-blown masturbation here, truly. It’s just that if you can show him how you want him to touch you, then he may “get” it a little bit better.



Okay, those are 7 tips for helping him pay more attention to the parts of your body that want attention, in the way that it wants attention. But what if there’s more–what if you’d like to try something else, or you want to try a new position, or whatever? Read some of my posts on setting boundaries and what’s good and healthy in marriage and what’s not (you can see a bunch of posts listed under the right heading on my post with a summary of marriage advice), and then try these three things:

8. Sit in a bathtub with candlelight and talk to him about what you want

If you want something but you don’t know how to tell him, here’s one way: sit in a bathtub together “spooning” so that you’re not looking at his face. Use candles so there’s no much light. Then try telling him. Don’t like the bath idea? Try in bed, in the dark, with him hugging you while you’re facing away. The three key ingredients here are: physical contact, so you feel accepted; little light, so you’re not as self-conscious; and not looking into his face so you’re not worried as much about what he’s thinking.

You can also make this easier by having him share something, too, so it’s not only you opening up.

9. Write down some new things you’d like to try

Another version of the above: Write down 3-4 things you’d like to try on small slips of paper, and have him do the same thing. Put your papers in an envelope and his in an envelope, and every few weeks one of you draws out a piece of paper and you do what it says. That way you’re each trying what the other person wants.

Again, if you have reservations about something, read what I wrote about deciding what’s okay to do in bed. You never have to do anything that you feel is degrading, sinful, or dangerous. But sometimes it’s nice to spice things up!

10. Leave some lingerie somewhere he can find it–with a note

Finally, this one isn’t for the faint of heart. But if you’ve been opening up with your husband more and telling him what you’d like, you’re likely finding that he isn’t taking it as an insult. He’s probably really excited about this turn in your relationship! So add to the fun by letting him know what’s coming. Leave him notes about what you want to do tonight, or, even better, hide a piece of lingerie that you haven’t worn in a while (or a new item if you have the money) somewhere where he’ll find it, along with a note. Don’t put it in a place where he’d discover it with others there–like in his briefcase. But you can put it in a pocket, in his underwear drawer, in the passenger side of his car to see when he drives off to work, etc.

I guarantee most husbands would love it if their wives opened up and did more things like this. And if #9 and #10 are too much, that’s okay. Start with #1 and #2, and move you way down as you get more comfortable.

It takes a while to feel comfortable in our own skin with our husbands. For some of us it takes years! But the more honest we can be, the more fun we’ll find sex is, and the more intimate and close we’ll feel because we’re truly revealing a precious piece of ourselves–what makes us passionate and excited.

So try it–and see what it does for your marriage!

Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!


Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually.

If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.

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Reader Question: My Husband is Too Tired for Sex

Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today’s is one that lots of people struggle with: what do we do if we’re just too tired for sex?

What advice do you offer women who are married to men who are a little older and say they have the desire to have sex but just don’t feel up to it? I’m 36, hubby is 56. I have lupus, he has injuries from the war in Iraq. Neither one of us are rock stars. But I married a sex crazed man four years ago and now I’m doing good if we have sex once a month. It’s hard not to take it personally. When I try talking to him about it I see the hurt in his eyes, like he feels he’s letting me down. How do I accept that this is just the way it is? How do I protect my heart and mind?

Okay, ladies, it’s time for a bit of a pep talk today!

Maybe I’m just in an energetic mood because I finally finished all the major revisions for my new book (9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage) and got it off to the publishers, and I feel like I have my life back, but let’s think positively today! I’m going to comment on the general issue of feeling too tired for sex, and not on this particular letter writer’s issue, because I really don’t know what his health condition is. So let’s think of some general principles:

Live out your priorities–If you’re too tired for sex, are you too tired for everything else too?

I’m not trying to diminish the reality of being exhausted. I know many people are–especially when we’re getting little sleep because of shift work or because we’re in school studying for exams or because we’re pregnant. And when it’s a short term thing–like exams or pregnancy–grace should abound.

But look long-term for a moment. If sex is a priority (and it should be), then make sure you prioritize it! Don’t make it come last. If you have health issues, then you are only going to have energy for certain things. Make sure sex is one of them. Don’t overcommit yourselves to stuff. Don’t have all kinds of energy to clean the house or work on a hobby, and then collapse into bed. Make sex one of the first things on your list–not just something you do at the end of the day “if” you have energy left.

I’ve written in previous posts about how scheduling sex can work for some people, and in this case it may be a very good idea. If you know, we’re going to make love Tuesday night, then you can make sure that Tuesday you get ready! You don’t play video games until 1 in the morning. You don’t work late if you don’t have to. You get ready for sex!

Read it here: Scheduling Sex

Wasting time makes you more tired

Here’s another truth: when we’re tired, we tend to gravitate towards inactive things, like watching TV or surfing the internet. These activities, however, SAP your energy. They don’t preserve it.

That’s true for several reasons, but here are just a few: we know that these things don’t actually add tremendously to our lives, in the same way that talking to a friend, doing a hobby, journaling, or taking a walk do. And because of that, they tend to sap our souls. There’s nothing wrong with them in moderation (and I knit now when I watch netflix, which turns it into a hobby!), but have you ever spent an entire day watching TV and then at the end of the day thought, “where did today go?” It’s depressing because that’s time you can never get back. And if you have tendencies towards depression already, screens tend to make it worse, while fresh air tends to make it better.

God created us for a purpose, and when we spend too much time on activities with no lasting value, we hurt our own souls (and we contribute to mental  health issues, which is often a reason that we feel too tired for sex).

Also, when we’re tired and in pain, sitting in one place for prolonged periods of time tends to reinforce that. I have a friend who suffers from circulation issues due to severe burns she suffered as a child and rheumatoid arthritis (and she’s relatively young)! She recently got one of those pedometers that counts the number of steps you take a day. Her average is 16,000–and she doesn’t really go for walks. She’s just always on her feet at home. I took her out to dinner last Saturday for her birthday, and we sat at the restaurant and talked for a while. It was much longer than she usually lets herself sit down. When we got ready to go, she was really stiff.

“That’s why I don’t let myself watch TV,” she said. “If I were to sit and watch a movie, I’m done for. I have to keep moving.”

Of course this depends on the severity of the problem, but in the vast majority of medical issues, moving helps, and sitting in one place hinders. Another friend of mine with fibromyalgia qualified as a life guard when she was 50 and now teaches Aquafit. If she doesn’t swim, her body stiffens up too much. Of course it’s hard to get the motivation to move when you’re in pain, but ultimately it can help get that pain under control.

Again, it depends on the condition (certain back issues, for instance, make any movement too difficult). But sitting in one place watching a screen is rarely a good idea.

Do you get enough rest?

The average person needs eight hours of sleep a night. Certain chronic pain conditions, of course, make it difficult to get a full night’s sleep.

However, most people just don’t sleep enough today because of screens. We get watching a show and we stay up later than we intended. Or we stay up until we fall asleep on the couch. That increases our chances of depression and makes our sleep far worse. If you want to sleep well, turn off the screen at least 45 minutes before you intend to hit the pillow.

If you want to make sex a priority, set a bedtime when the screens go off! Head to bed at 10 and just talk with each other. Give each other a massage before bed.

Make it happen

As we get older our bodies fall apart, and some of us will have conditions that will cause that to happen more rapidly. It isn’t fair–but it’s life. The question is: what will you do about it? And likely there is so much more that you can do than you think!

Talk to your spouse and say, “I want us to have as much fun as possible, and to have as much energy as possible!” And sex, of course, increases your energy levels because it releases good hormones, relaxes you, and helps the quality of your sleep.

Many of us have bodies that are falling apart because we just aren’t treating them well. We live far too sedentary lives, we don’t feed them well, and we don’t rest enough.

So schedule sex. Turn off the screens. Move as much as you can. Go to bed at a decent hour. Give LOTS of massages. This won’t work for all health conditions–I’ve written before about what to do if health issues make intercourse impossible. But I think many of us are settling for crumbs in life when we can still have so much more! Sometimes we get into these bad habits because it’s just so easy. We’re tired at the end of the day, so sitting in front of  a screen seems enticing. But it won’t really help in the long run.

Ask yourself: is the way I’m living my life sapping my physical and emotional energy, or giving me more? If it’s sapping it, do a re-examination. Sometimes it just takes a few tweaks for you to find you have your life back!

Let us know: what have you found? Have you had something in your life that sapped your energy that you had to get rid of? Or did you find another way to boost your energy? Leave us a comment and tell us!

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When There Aren’t Easy Answers

This has been a strange week.

I’ve had some heavy posts on the blog, and have had some very difficult email questions sent to me. And then on Facebook I’ve had some happy posts that have gone really viral.

I’ve talked about when to leave your marriage, but I’ve also talked about how to save it. I’ve talked about a little thing you can do to turn a marriage around, and I’ve talked about what to do when nothing seems to work.

Sometimes I feel like I have whiplash, almost arguing diametrically opposing things. How can I believe that sometimes separation has to be used as a last resort, and yet also feel that the vow really matters?

And so today, rather than writing a “regular” blog post, I thought I’d take you through some of my reasoning over the last week, and point you to a few articles that are just so amazing–especially one not even written by me. (please read to the end to see it! It will be the best thing you read all year–I promise!)

Easy Answers Don’t Usually Exist in Hard Situations

Post I wrote this week: When Your Marriage is in Crisis

I once heard a line in a movie that said, “the hard thing to do and the right thing to do are almost always the same thing”, and I agree. Magic reglationship bullets have never been found.

Usually when a relationship is in crisis, what a woman (assuming it’s a woman who is hurting, since most of my readers are female) wants to know is “what can I do to get him to change”? If he’s watching porn all the time and ignoring the family, what can I do to make him stop? If he won’t get a job, what can I do to make him work? If he’s been texting an ex-girlfriend and is considering having an affair, what can I do to bring him back to me?

Nothing.

That’s the hard truth. You can’t make him change. The only thing you can do is to change what you are doing in response. When you change your behaviour, his will also adjust. And sometimes that can bring about reconciliation–but not always.

Nevertheless, even that isn’t an easy answer, because the way that you change may be different in different situations. I had one woman email me whose nonChristian husband was using porn–but he was still a great father, he was still a great provider, and they still had a good sex life. Should she give him an ultimatum?

And in that case, maybe not. It’s not always clear cut. And I get so many questions like that: here’s my situation. What should I do? But the truth is I don’t know, because I don’t know my readers in real life. I can give general principles, but I can’t tell you specifics.

But that’s why we need two things: we need to run to God and get used to distinguishing his voice now, so that when hard times come in our marriages, we’ll be able to hear what he is telling us to do. And we need to surround ourselves with a solid Christian community that can hold us up, pray with us, and help us make decisions in times of crisis. You need people who know you in real life. But to have those kinds of relationships, you have to invest in a church. You have to be a friend to someone else if you want someone to be a friend to you. You have to use your giftings and your time there, so that when you need help, others already know and love you.

Do you see? We need to be spending our time building up our relationship with God and our relationships in Christian community now, before a crisis hits, because that’s the only way to get through a crisis.

Easy Answers Sometimes Do Exist in Other Situations

Post I wrote on this: How a Simple ‘Thank You’ Can Transform a Marriage

There may not be hard and fast rules for what you should do in every crisis, but there are easy answers that seem to really help a marriage BEFORE it hits crisis. And this is what I so want my readers to understand: when we are intentional in the little things, showing love to one another, being kind to one another, understanding one another–we usually can avoid many of these crises.

I gave one example on my post on Monday of what Shaunti Feldhahn found when she researched thousands of couples over several years. Men say ‘I love you’, and women say ‘thank you’. It’s very simple, but it matters! Check it out.

Often these things are simple that can change the whole dynamic of our marriage. So please, before a crisis hits, be intentional! And then you may never hit that crisis in the first place.

Sometimes All It Takes is a Change in Perspective

Increasingly, though, I believe that most crises can be solved if we just get a change in perspective. Often things take on a life of their own because we get so wrapped up in our feelings that we aren’t able to see straight.

As I’ve been working on the final edits to my upcoming book, 9 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage, I found this article on Today’s Christian Woman that was brilliant. A woman was packed up and ready to leave her husband, when her mom made her make a list. It just wasn’t the list she thought of, and it changed everything.

I included the story in my book. It’s been a long time since I’ve read something so profound. And on Facebook, as of this morning, it’s been seen by more than 350,000 people.

The List That Saved My Marriage

Please read that. It will bless you. And if you haven’t joined my Facebook page, please do so. I share stuff like that all the time, and much of it doesn’t make it to the blog. So don’t miss it!

I so appreciate all of my readers, and I do wrestle with how to answer difficult questions. But ultimately I may point you in the right direction, but you need God’s wisdom to know the specifics. So please: invest in a Christian community. Chase after Him. No matter what happens in your marriage, He is always there for you and He always loves you, and His power is there to help you make the right decisions in difficult situations.

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