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The Spin | Remembering when South Africa reduced England to two for four | Rob Smyth

25 November 1999, when England made their worst ever start to a Test innings, was actually a good day for English cricket

Duncan Fletcher would make a great poker player. As England coach he personified inscrutability and had the rare ability to treat Kipling's impostors the same. His autobiography was called Behind The Shades; those familiar sunglasses slammed shut any potential window into his soul. On the morning of his first Test as England coach, against South Africa at Johannesburg on 25 November 1999, a big interview with Fletcher appeared in the Express. Tucked away in the fourth last paragraph was an ostensibly insignificant quote. "In the dressing room I won't get too excited if we do well, I won't be cross if things don't go well," he said. "I believe it is important to keep an even keel to get the best out of players."

By the time people in England were reading that interview over their muesli and not-from-concentrate orange juice, Fletcher's philosophy had been given the most exacting test. On the first morning of the Test, the first morning of England's bright new era, they were reduced to two for four, the second worst start to an innings in Test history and the worst ever start to a series. Fletcher, as promised, was impassive, a monument of inexplicable calm and equilibrium.

England had started the tour as the worst side in the world, according to the Wisden World Championship (there was no ICC Test Championship in those days, although the retrospective rankings have them eighth, still above Zimbabwe). Their build-up was encouraging, however, with back-to-back first-class wins for the first time in years. Nobody expected them to beat a strong South African side who had won 10 Tests in a row at home, but there was cautious optimism that England would at least compete.

A level playing field might have made competing easier. On the morning of the match, conditions were barely fit for club cricket: terrible light and a pitch that Mike Selvey described as "disgracefully damp for the start of the Test". Nobody expected play to start on time, but it did. "The pitch was so wet and the light so bad that it was embarrassing," said Fletcher in his autobiography. "There is no way we should have started." Gary Kirsten and Allan Donald were among the South Africans who agreed the start should have been delayed. Fletcher said that winning the toss was "tantamount to winning the match".

With weary inevitability, England lost the toss. Rumour has it that Hansie Cronje even showed his teeth as he invited England to bat. Then Donald and Shaun Pollock went to work. Within 15 minutes England were two for four; one of those was a leg-bye. As if the scoreline wasn't bad enough, the four players to be dismissed were their only experienced batsmen, all England captains past or present: Mike Atherton. Nasser Hussain, Mark Butcher and Alec Stewart. They had 244 Test caps and 16,052 runs between them. between them. The next four batsmen shared two caps and 17 runs. Michael Vaughan, Chris Adams and Gavin Hamilton were all making their debuts, while Andrew Flintoff was back in the side after a 15-month absence. The whole thing felt like a perverse take on the defeatism that accompanied English cricket in the 1990s. You think being the worst team in the world is bad? Well cop a load of this.

The Spin was at university when it happened, and stirred reluctantly at the ungodly hour of 9am to check how the cricket was going. When we turned on Talk Radio (they had outbid the BBC for the rights) and heard the name 'Adams' – who had been earmarked to bat No6 – we assumed we must have got our timings wrong, and that the game had started a few hours earlier. Over the next five minutes, this bed-bound detective pieced together the details of the crime. Two for four?! England had been two for four in a Test the previous winter as well, but at least then they were in Australia. This time they were two runs for four wickets.

"The dressing room was completely silent and in a state of intense shock," wrote Atherton in his autobiography. "Even those of us experienced in England's calamities had never seen anything quite like this." Fletcher had infamously inherited a side with a lower order ("Never call them the tail," says Fletcher, though he'd surely have made an exception for this lot) of Andy Caddick, Alan Mullally, Phil Tufnell and Ed Giddins. Now he had a top order who were dealing in binary. In the Times, Christopher Martin-Jenkins said the start was "like arriving at the party to which you have been looking forward for months, only to be seized, bound, gagged and robbed".

The build-up to the series had been dominated by talk of Donald v Atherton. In England's previous Test at Johannesburg, four years earlier, Atherton had played the innings of his life, saving the match with one of the all-time great captain's knocks, 185 not out in 643 minutes. He was in splendid form, too. In the tour games he played with serene certainty, even hitting a few sixes. Selvey said he was "playing as well as he has ever done". Donald, by contrast, had endured a long, dark month of the soul. He had bowled poorly in the Test series against Zimbabwe a few weeks earlier and was all over the place in the nets. Plenty thought that, at 33, he was finished. "Judging by my preparation," he wrote in his autobiography, "I'd have been happy with Alan Mullally's wicket, never mind Athers'!"

Cricket's capacity for the perverse never ceases to amaze. Atherton would last three balls in the match and get a pair. Donald would take six for 53 in the first innings and 11 for 127 in the match. He had almost willed himself back into form. "That game taught me a hell of a lesson: when it is not going well you have to find something that works," said Donald in this excellent interview. "There is no turning back, there is no hiding. You must find something that contributes to the team even if you take one wicket."

In the dressing room on that first morning, Cronje told everyone that Donald would bowl Atherton in the first over the day. When Donald obliged with the last ball of that first over, he pointed straight at his captain. Donald had been bowling inswingers because his wrist action was all over the place, and he produced a monster that came back a mile to take Atherton's off stump for a walk. "It is hard to believe," wrote Chris Lander in the Mirror, "that Atherton has been on the end of a more venomous wicket-taking delivery." (Courtney Walsh might have something to say about that, but anyway.) Donald said it was the second greatest delivery he had ever bowled, just behind a jaffa to dismiss Sachin Tendulkar three years earlier.

"Every time I see that picture of me bowling Atherton in the first innings it signifies the amount of effort I had put in mentally," said Donald. "It just shows this thing between your ears is so strong. If you believe in it and you trust what you have, you can do wonders."

Hussain fell for a duck to a vile lifter from Pollock. Then, in Donald's second over, Butcher feathered a good delivery to his near namesake Mark Boucher and Stewart was given out lbw to another huge inswinger. "It might provide for exciting cricket," said Kirsten at the end of the day's play, "but it is not the way the game should be played. It does not provide for a fair contest between bat and ball." Batting, said Wisden, was "a lottery." England were – it's worth repeating – two for four after 17 balls, with two debutants at the crease who had not faced a ball. At the time it seemed like they'd would do well to reach 50. But among the debris, England found a piece of gold.

Vaughan was not supposed to be in the squad. He was the only demand Fletcher made, and the tour party was extended to 17 to accommodate him. He had only averaged 27.12 in first-class cricket that summer, but Fletcher was not interested in statistics. Few, if any, have had such an eye for raw talent. After the first net session in South Africa, Fletcher told Hussain that Vaughan had to play in the first Test. "Hussain gave me a perplexed look. 'Are you sure?' he said," remembered Fletcher in his autobiography. "I most certainly was."

The calm, classy manner in which Vaughan made a two-hour 33 suggested England had found someone who had the temperament and talent for Test cricket. He would become one of England's best attacking batsmen of the modern era, but at that stage he was a different player entirely, widely compared to Atherton for his sang froid and defensive excellence. CMJ went further after that debut innings, comparing him to Chris Tavare. "He has the same angular frame, the same walk to short square leg between balls, the same ability never to seem hurried and, mercifully, a greater willingness to recognise a scoring opportunity."

Vaughan added 32 for the fifth wicket with Chris Adams (16) to take England to the, ahem, respectability of 34 for five. Perversely, the predicament helped Vaughan to relax. "If I am honest, [the scoreline] relieved some of the pressure on me," he said in his autobiography. "With our four big guns gone, I knew that I could not do any worse. Much as I would like to portray my debut as having been heroic under fire, the truth is that it is easier to come in at two for two on your debut than at 200 for two on a flat wicket full of runs. Chris Adams came out at two for four and asked, 'What's it doing?'' to which I replied, 'Don't ask me I haven't faced an effing ball yet.'"

Vaughan said he felt "remarkably calm" as he went about his work. He then added 56 in an hour with Flintoff, who punched 38; their partnership was the first sign of the fearless, almost carefree approach that would win the 2005 Ashes. England limped to 122, almost a triumph in the circumstances, with Donald and Pollock sharing all 10 wickets and 19 in the match. That first-innings score was in part thanks to an absurd cameo from Mullally, who top edged Donald for six during a rare foray into double figures. When he did so, the England balcony naturally burst into laughter – "black humour which released the tension of a morbid day," said Fletcher. The Mirror's back page the next day had a picture of the balcony smiling, with the headline: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOT LAUGHING AT?"

For the most part the press reaction was reasonable. "England have put in some dreadful performances in recent years but this, despite all the evidence on the scoreboard, is not one of them," wrote Tim de Lisle, the editor of Wisden Cricket Monthly. "They have had a raw deal in Johannesburg from the toss, the pitch, the weather and the umpires."

Fletcher made that first day in Johannesburg a Duncan Day – the name given to those when England were outplayed to such an extent that Fletcher would face the press himself rather than send one of the players. "It would have been difficult for any batting side out there this morning," he said. "I will tell the guys to look forward, not back, and try to forget the situation. I wouldn't say I was too excited by the start. It's not a good score but it could be worse."

He stuck to his guns after the match too, going ahead with a planned break to Sun City despite some criticism. Atherton said "there was not a hint of panic" in the way Fletcher reacted to the defeat. England went on to lose by an innings and 21 runs, an inevitable result after that traumatic start, but in the performances of Fletcher, Vaughan and Flintoff, there were significant positives. Something else happened on that first day, too. Back in England, the counties agreed that the ECB could give up to 16 central contracts the following year. You'd have been a brave man to say as much when England were two for four, but maybe 25 November 1999 was a good day for English cricket.

• This is an extract from the Spin, the Guardian's free weekly cricket email. To sign up, click here .

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We can beat England and be world No1, says South Africa's Dale Steyn

The South African paceman is the world's best bowler and he says his country can show they are the best by beating England

The upcoming series between England and South Africa will provide answers to two big questions: which side has the best attack and which side is No1 in the world. What should not be up for discussion, however, is which side has the best bowler. Dale Steyn has officially been the best in the world for more than three years. In the International Cricket Council rankings he sits 54 points ahead of Saeed Ajmal in second and a staggering 101 ahead of the next best fast bowler, Jimmy Anderson. Steyn possesses the fast bowler's holy trinity: a full length, late swing and paint-stripping pace. He is the one bowler of his generation who is unquestionably great.

England fans might sniff at that suggestion. Not merely because of justified pride in their own, but because they have not always seen the best of Steyn. There have been moments – most notably a staggering stump-buster to Michael Vaughan on debut eight years ago – but his Test average of 34.29 against England is his worst against any country, and the only three Tests he has missed since his breakthrough year of 2007 have been against England, because of a broken thumb and then a hamstring injury.

There are no injury concerns this time. When he met the press in Canterbury this week, Steyn was a fascinating interviewee: polite ("Is it cool if I leave my hat on?"), intelligent, humorous, earthily charming and totally comfortable in his own skin. Yet when he walks on to the field he gets in character, demonstrating a chilling, hard-faced purpose. Nothing personal, it's just business. "I just want to take wickets and I want to scare the shit out of people," he says. Well, two out of two ain't bad.

"Once I step over that white line I become The Bowler," he says. "When I'm sitting here I'm obviously another guy. I probably wouldn't be saying the same things if you did an interview with me out in the middle after I'd taken a wicket. There would be a couple more beeps on the tape." He does what needs to be done, and to hell with niceties and respect. During a glorious duel in Cape Town last year Steyn calmly told one of the game's icons: "I'm going to knock your fucking head off, Sachin."

"Generally I don't say too much on the field," he says. "However, I am a fast bowler and with that comes the responsibility of saying a word or two and getting in a guy's face. It can not only send shivers down the opposition's spine but it gets your team up and bouncing around. Fast bowlers also make things happen when the game has gone quiet. Those are the sort of responsibilities that fall on my shoulders."

He wears them comfortably. Steyn has a sensational record of 272 Test wickets at 23.18, and his strike rate of 40.9 is the best of anybody with 100 Test wickets since the 19th century. He has been top of the ICC rankings since overtaking Muttiah Muralitharan on 12 July 2009. "Do I like being No1? Absolutely. Who doesn't? When I was 13 I always wanted to be part of the No1 cricket team in the world, I always wanted to be the No1 bowler, I always wanted to be the fastest runner around my house with my mate and I always wanted to beat him. I wanted to embarrass him in all honesty, that's how much I wanted to beat him.

"But when I walk on to the field, the ranking means nothing, it really doesn't. I've still got to bowl the ball in the right place. In a small way it motivates me, especially if my team-mates come up to me and say: 'You're not No1 in the world for nothing.' That's something that makes me bowl that extra over, maybe bowl a yard quicker."

He keeps an eye out for his mates on the field, even if his role has developed over time. "It changed a couple of years ago. Before that I took on a bit more responsibility than I should have. I worried about our bowlers, but then I realised these guys were good enough to look after themselves. I've just got to be there for them when they need me; I don't need to be saying things they've heard a million times before."

By the end of the series Steyn will have heard a million times about his battle with Anderson. "He's a good bowler, Jimmy, and a good bloke too," says Steyn. "I remember hitting him on the head [at Headingley in 2008], I remember good things like that!" Steyn is loth to get caught up in a head-to-head, however. "No, no, no. If I focus on how many wickets Jimmy gets then I'm rocketing off the path. Maybe I did get caught up in that three or four years ago. Stats have flown out of my head now. I'm more worried about the job I have to perform for the side. Bouchy [Mark Boucher] said to me in New Zealand that I didn't get the big five-fors, but when we needed a wicket they threw the ball to me and I made a breakthrough out of nothing. Vernon [Philander] would come on at the other end and get a quick four-for, which didn't bother me because we would end up winning a Test match. That's all I wanted to do."

The ultimate aim of winning Test matches is to become the best team in the world. When asked if there has been talk of the No1 ranking, Steyn eschews the usual "one game at a time" guff. "Yeah, obviously we've discussed it," he says matter-of-factly. "We've come here to win the series and if we do that we become No1. I also think that if the Proteas are the No1 Test team in the world – which they are in my mind, we need it on paper, though – then it inspires people back in our country to want to play cricket."

Why does he think South Africa are No1? "Well, I don't worry about England. That's why we're No1 in my eyes. I think we've got all the players, we cover all our bases. Is there something wrong with me thinking we're the best team in the world?" If Steyn bowls as well as he can, the Test Championship might concur with his judgment in a month's time.

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David Haye v Dereck Chisora – as it happened | Rob Smyth

David Haye won the Upton Park grudge match in the fifth round

Round five: At the moment it does indeed look like a boxer against a brawler. Haye lands a punishing right and then dances away from trouble, before doing the same 30 seconds later. And now Chisora is down! Haye nailed him with a stunning left hook, following it up with a scything right to send Chisora down. Chisora staggers to his feet. He's in all sorts of trouble here, with another 20 seconds to survive. And now he's down again! David Haye has beaten Dereck Chisora! The referee had no option but to stop the fight. Chisora had gone completely.

Round four: The fourth starts as the third ended, with a flurry of punches from both men, including a classy uppercut from Haye. He then pins Chisora back for the first time, landing a couple of nice rights. It's Haye's round again, and the fight is going pretty much as we expected.

Guardian unofficial score: Haye 10-9 Chisora

Round three: The two finally go toe to toe towards the end of the round, and the ensuing noise is so great that nobody hears the bell. A second later, Chisora lands a left hook on Haye, who staggers backwards and smiles nervously. That's had a bit of an impact. Haye probably took the round for his work before that, but that left has changed the mood of the fight.

Guardian unofficial score: Haye 10-9 Chisora

"Talksport's commentator twice referred to Chisoram 'jitterbugging' forward," says Gary Naylor. "I expected plenty of wham in this fight, but not that kind."

Round two: A clean right hand from Haye stuns Chisora for a split-second, but he keeps coming forward, almost like a zombie. Haye is a bit too quick for Chisora at the moment and probably did enough there as well. He landed one on Chisora after the ball, prompting words from both sides.

Guardian unofficial score: Haye 10-9 Chisora

"In regards to nothing, I've just listened to Pearl Jam's 'Jeremy' with lyrics on YouTube and discovered I've been vocally abusing the wrong words for nearly two decade," says Ben Dunn. "Bummer."

Round one: Haye has come out to play. He starts with some quick combinations, although he's caught by a decent left hand after 25 seconds. Chisora is lunging forward at every opportunity, as you'd expect, and Haye is throwing plenty of punches. Nothing much of note in what is a relatively gentle start, but the volume of punches probably gives Haye the round.

Guardian unofficial score: Haye 10-9 Chisora

10.07pm The fighters barely bother to touch gloves. David Haye has got the face on. You should see his coupon! Here we go...

10.06pm Haye is bang on 15 stone and – phwoar – really does look fantastic. Chisora is a couple of pounds heavier I think.

10.05pm "These two show how the Klitchkos have changed heavyweight boxing," says Paddy Blewer. "In other eras they might be credible contenders. The brothers are a significant bit bigger than anyone has ever been – but crucially are exceptional athletes, with good enough boxing skills. They are living proof that a 'good bigun' always wins. It's just now that a good bigun is 6ft 5 and 18 stone. This is a strictly local fight."

10.04pm Michael Buffer michaelbuffers his way through the introductions. As he's doing so, Chisora strips off to reveal a T-shirt that says 'Africa Is The Future'. No retro Man Utd kit, then.

10pm Haye makes everyone wait for a minute or two, but here he comes to a backdrop of Ain't No Stoppin Us Now and wild cheers around Upton Park. He looks mean and moody, and is almost scowling as he enters the ring.

9.58pm "As a boxing purist I can say I'm looking forward to this..." says Matt Rhodes, "but much as a health and fitness guru may lust for a double bacon cheeseburger on his cheat days but will regret it afterwards I expect to feel a little dirty afterwards. That said for all its nobility boxing has always had this aspect to it. Ali's bout with Foreman and his contests with Frazier were both circuses, Bernard Hopkins regularly turned his contests (at least pre-fight) into a media frenzy through the lowest possible means and even the legendary Harry Greb had a scuffle with Mickey Walker after their bout. As much as we as fans want boxing to be pure and rightous and all such other things we cannot ignore the fact that at its most intrinsic boxing is us paying to watch two people punch each other in the face. There will always be something of the gutter about it."

9.57pm Here comes Dereck Chisora, to jaunty chants of "You fat bastard!" As usual his face is completely covered. He waves his left fist to the crowd, who respond with a zesty "Who are ya?"

9.53pm "If we're talking both grudge matches and most entertaining videos then surely the infamous Larry Holmes dropkick after jumping off the top of a car on Trevor Berbick (after a pretty entertaining street brawl) takes the cake..."

9.51pm "Why are they only doing 10 rounds?" says Silver Fox. "Neither of them got the stamina for the full 12? To be honest I think Fury would beat both of them (not at the same time like). Still looking forward to it though." It was 10 in the original contract, and then Haye was reluctant to change it.

9.50pm "You can have all the technical analysis you like," says Gary Naylor, who clearly hasn't been reading my RBR report, "but Haye has to be lucky for ten rounds and Chisora needs to get lucky just the once. The rematch will probably be at Brisbane Road under the Liechtenstein Board, as the hype dribbles away to nothing."

9.48pm I wonder what a) Danny Dyer and b) assorted boxing purists are doing right now.

9.46pm In a surprising twist, it's pelting down at Upton Park. This is just a brawl in a field, isn't it.

9.40pm "I've just spent 15 minutes going through highlights of some of those fights between Benn, Eubank and Collins," says Guy Hornsby. "That was an incredible period for boxing. I know the Hagler/Duran/Hearns/Leonard era is always talked about in reverential tones, but this was right up there for me. Benn was a truly frightening individual (and flawed, as the incredible Fight Of Their Lives showed) but of all of them I don't think we've had a harder hitter since him, not even Haye. He was brutal. I think Haye will win tonight, for what it's worth, his power and speed will end up wearing down Chisora, as long as he stays away from his hook."

9.32pm "Haye's class is often quoted, but as a heavy he's 5 and 1," says Ben Dunn. "And the wins are not against the elite. As a heavy he has developed into an overly cautious runner. It'll be interesting to see Haye's tactics, will he circle and fire off sporadic shots as he did against Klitschko and Valuev, or will he take aggressive risks as he did against Ruiz and Barrett? Chisora will do his slowed-down-Frazier impression so I guess Haye will be on his bike looking for a single fight-turning shot. I fancy Chisora to do something here as when he's in shape he's constant pressure and Haye won't score enough to take rounds unless he unleashes some accurate power on a regular basis, which is something he has never done. "P.S. You, on the boxing? Really?"

Look, I have my laminated round-by-round writer's licence from the Luxembourg Boxing Federation, I don't know what the problem is.

9.10pm "The question is in many ways whether Chisora can or can't take Haye's power," says Matt Rhodes. "Haye's been put under pressure by boxers before but on the whole when he hits them they are hurt. Chisora's got a solid defence but the reality is that he will get hit at some stage... but Vitali hit him clean and barely dented him. If Chisora (who at 240 odd lbs has a consistent and pretty high workrate) can take Haye's power shots while constantly pressuring, hitting to the head and body while also roughing Haye up inside then there's a good chance he can wear Haye down to either a decision or late stoppage.

"I think Haye will take it. I think he speed keeps him out of the way of Chisora and that speed combined with the power means he can hurt him... but whatever happens (and I can see both men winning early, both men winning late, both men taking and easy win and both men struggling) prior to the first bell ringing there's a good case for each man."

9.01pm "Ah, that Eubank/Benn video was grand viewing," says Phil Sawyer. "I think the difference between then and now is that that truly felt like a clash of titans that deserved to play out on the grandest stage possible. Tonight's fight feels like it should be taking place in a school playground while kids form a ring shouting 'Scrap! Scrap! Scrap!'. Not that that'll stop me enjoying every minute of it, mind."

Oh aye, that really was a golden age. The magnificent first fight between Benn and Eubank is here, including the full ITV build-up. Look at Gazza's jumper!

Grudge match department This is probably the best video in the history of YouTube, even better than the fight itself.

Preamble What the eff are you looking at? Do you want some? I'll stick that tablet up your

Sorry, I got lost in a bit of method MBMing there. Let's start again.

Hello. Saturday night, the East End, and two gentlemen are preparing to settle a burgeoning dispute in the traditional manner. So far, so weekly occurrence, but this is not just a mindless brawl between two thugs who can't stand the sight of each other. No no no. Welcome to Haye v Chisora, The Rematch: This Time It's Personal Licensed By The Luxembourg Boxing Federation.

In many ways this fight is an affront to boxing, but for most people it's also a guilty pleasure and a half. There's nothing quite like a grudge match, and these two have wanted a piece of each other since their impromptu bare-knuckle tomfoolery in Munich earlier this year. Chisora says Haye is a "drama queen". After the weigh-in Haye said Chisora "just looks like a fat ****". The word was starred out in the report we read, but I presume it was 'ne'er-do-well'.

Over ten rounds of tawdry glamour (not 12 tonight), they will settle their differences. All logic suggests Haye's superior class should tell, despite the quality of Chirosa's whiskers, maybe in the sixth. Whatever happens, you suspect it's going to be nawty, nawty, very nawty ...

The fighters should be out at around 10pm.

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AB de Villiers happy with new South Africa role after Boucher retirement

• De Villiers ready for challenge in first Test against England
• World No3 batsman has kept wicket in only two Tests

AB de Villiers did not think it was going to be like this. When he arrived in England De Villiers expected to be fielding at point and trying to confirm his status as one of the world's best batsmen. Then Mark Boucher suffered his horrific eye injury at Somerset. De Villiers, 28, will replace Boucher in the tour match against Kent, which starts at Canterbury on Friday, and is expected to do so in next week's first Test.

De Villiers has kept wicket in only two of his 74 Tests, both against England seven years ago. "I'm a bit undercooked when it comes to keeping in Test cricket but I've had a lot of experience in T20 and ODIs for my country, and my keeping has improved a lot," he said. "I probably wouldn't be here without Bouch; he's done a lot for my cricket. It's been a bit of an emotional thing."

The absence of the totemic Boucher will take some getting used to for everyone. "At practice Smithy [the captain Graeme Smith] called me 'Bouch'. I was like: 'Bud, it's me now.'" South Africa will be using Boucher's absence as a stimulus. "There's definitely a bit of extra motivation. It'd be great to win the series and give it up to him."

De Villiers is third in the ICC Test batting rankings and averages 77 in his last 15 Tests. Plenty of high-class batsmen, including Kumar Sangakkara and Alec Stewart, have been much less effective while keeping wicket, but the extra burden does not concern De Villiers. "I rest a bit more when I keep," he said. "The only thing I have to look after is my back and using different muscle groups. When I'm fielding at point I'm running all over that field and I'm really tired by the end of the innings. I don't think it'll affect my batting."

He is No2 in the ODI batting rankings, when he usually doubles up as keeper. "I love keeping. I'm in the game all the time. I see angles that I wouldn't normally see and I feel part of what the captain does." He is also in the best place to bother the ears of the England batsmen – De Villiers joked that Boucher has given him "some messages to pass across".

De Villiers is aware of the unique challenge of English conditions, both as a batsman and a keeper. "The ball does swing after it's passed the stumps, but I've seen English keepers drop the ball as well, so it's not just a foreign thing – a guy coming in, dropping the ball and he's so pathetic," he said with a smile. "I expect to fumble a couple but hopefully I've got enough skill to watch the swing and follow it into my hands."

Or on to the middle of the bat. "The ball will definitely move around. I played and missed at around 100 balls in my century at Headingley in 2008, but that's what it's all about over here: facing your fears, going through the tough patches and then cashing in. If you get on top of the bowlers it becomes an amazing place to score runs."

De Villiers picked Stuart Broad as England's most improved bowler but did not say who of the current team he least enjoyed facing. "[Andrew] Flintoff is not there any more, thank goodness for that. I can't pinpoint one guy from the current team. They're a very well balanced attack. Both batting line-ups are going to have a lot to think about."

De Villiers has even more to think about than the rest. This was not as he planned it, but he looks ready for the challenge.

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The Spin | When Devon Malcolm made South Africa history | Rob Smyth

Why England's win over South Africa at the Oval in 1994 might be the most jawdropping performance in their history

Ray Illingworth likes the past. If Fred Trueman is the cricketer most associated with the phrase "in my day", then Illingworth, his fellow nonsense-averse Yorkshireman, isn't far behind. His tenure as England supremo sometimes felt like an extended paean to his playing days, from his opening gambit that he wanted to play only five batsmen, with two spinners at all times, to the antiquated tactics that England used during their disastrous 1996 World Cup campaign.

It's in that context that we must understand Illingworth's comments about England's defeat of South Africa at the Oval in 1994. He said England had played "the best aggressive Test cricket I have ever seen in my life". This was not a giddy reaction to victory. Raymond Illingworth did not do giddy. Two years later, in his book One Man Committee, he had diluted his view, but only a little. "I have thought about it carefully, and I rate what happened in the last couple of days of that game as good an exhibition of positive cricket by England as I have seen in 30 years." The captain Mike Atherton, referring to those comments in his autobiography, said Illingworth was "as likely to give undue praise as the Pope is to condone abortion".

Most memories of the game start and stop at Devon Malcolm's nine for 57 in the second innings. That's understandable; it was one of the all-time great performances, described by Allan Donald as "the most destructive piece of fast bowling I have ever seen". But Malcolm's was only the most significant part of the most jawdropping England performance the Spin has ever seen, full of wild emotion, primal intent and sustained, almost deranged brutality.

There was no suggestion of what was to come. South Africa, a side full of hard-boiled characters who belonged on the set of a Western (Brian McMillan once walked into the Australian dressing-room wielding a gun), had drawn home and away with Australia the previous winter and led 1-0 going into the final Test of the three-match series. They had humiliated England by 356 runs at Lord's, a match best remembered for the dirt in Mike Atherton's pocket. England had slightly the better of the drawn second Test at Headingley, and the last hour of that match informed the final game at the Oval. As the match drifted to a draw, Darren Gough decided to rough up South Africa's star young batsman Hansie Cronje, who struggled to 15 not out from 124 balls. It was an ostensibly meaningless mini-session at the end of the match, but it suggested England's idea that South Africa were vulnerable to spin might need revising.

On the day before the third Test, a trademark Oval trampoline made up their mind for them: although Illingworth and Atherton did not like going in without a spinner, they omitted Phil Tufnell and picked a four-man pace attack of Devon Malcolm, Phil DeFreitas, Darren Gough and Joey Benjamin. Benjamin, who was making his Test debut at 33, heard of his call-up from a spectator in a lift.

The decision to omit a spinner was not entirely popular. "Malcolm ought to have been sacrificed for Tufnell," wrote Alan Lee in the Times. "If England win it will be forgotten, but it will not forgive the shallowness of their thinking." Also in the Times that day was a letter from a member of the public, Tony Risveglia. "Will our cricket selectors ever learn?" it began. "Let me tell them loud and clear – Devon Malcolm (average 37.50 per wicket) is not Test class." Mr Risveglia's letter included his full home address, as did all the other letters. These were different times in terms of reader interaction.

They were different times in south west London, too. This was the last of the fast Oval pitches. If Malcolm hadn't taken nine for 57, there might have been a case for making Harry Brind the man of the match. Brind, in his last season as head groundsman at Surrey, produced a glorious wicket: hard, fast and as true as a dying man's final words. It did not so much invite attacking cricket as demand it. The scoring rate of 3.97 runs per over throughout the match was the fifth fastest in a Test in the 20th century, and the pitch was so hard that Geoff Boycott couldn't get his key into it for a pre-match inspection. Back then the Oval was a cousin of Perth, the fastest wicket in the world, and this was the Oval in excelsis. After the second day, the Guardian's Mike Selvey called it "an exceptionally fair pitch". Illingworth said it was "as good a batting pitch, regarding consistency of bounce, as [the batsmen] will ever see".

The pitch was not, as a few people felt, responsible for the horrible injury suffered by Jonty Rhodes on the first day. Rhodes, having misjudged the length, ducked into a ball from Malcolm that smashed him on the helmet and might even have brought an lbw appeal. There were more important things to worry about: Rhodes suffered from epilepsy, which exacerbated concerns as he lay on the floor for four minutes. "He was thoroughly KO'd," said the captain Kepler Wessels. "It was sickening." Rhodes was eventually taken to hospital, where he was kept overnight with concussion. The ball had cracked his helmet, and the Daily Mirror back page the next day screamed the headline "This helmet saved Jonty's LIFE!"

England reduced South Africa to 136 for five – effectively six with Rhodes in hospital – but the expert firefighting duo of McMillan (93) and Dave Richardson (58) got South Africa out of trouble yet again. They were aided by some dubious tactics from that England attack, which, wrote Selvey, "got ludicrously carried away with itself on the fast bouncy pitch … Benjamin excepted, it was juvenile stuff."

After bowling too short all day, Malcolm then decided not to bowl short at the tailenders towards the end of the day, a contravention of England's pre-match plan. In the dressing-room, Atherton gave him a not inconsiderable b0llocking. Only Benjamin's four for 42 on his home ground – he got an almighty ovation every time he returned to fine leg – kept England in the game.

South Africa were dismissed for 332 on the second morning. Then came another storm in the most tumultuous summer of Atherton's career. He was lbw first ball despite a biggish inside-edge. As he walked off Atherton shook his head and glanced at his bat; that was enough for the match referee Peter Burge, who had been looking for an excuse ever since Atherton was economical with the truth at the start of the dirt-in-the-pocket affair. Before the Headingley Test, Burge had said, "If Atherton sneezes in the morning, he'll have pneumonia by evening." At the Oval he fined Atherton 50% of his match fee – "I'm the last of the amateurs" joked Atherton after the match – and the papers were full of reports that Atherton might resign. That evening he attended a Wisden Cricket Monthly dinner in Piccadilly and, after being told that the number of hacks outside was growing exponentially, sneaked out of the restaurant via the kitchen, up a fire escape and across a couple of rooftops.

A couple of hours earlier, Darren Gough and Phil DeFreitas had also taken the aerial route to keep England in the match. It had not looked so good earlier in the day. Atherton's dismissal was followed by a sad and tortuous knock of eight from 43 balls by Graham Gooch, which continued an awful run. Since starting the international summer with a double-century against New Zealand, he had made just 119 in eight Test innings. After Gooch's struggle came two excellent innings from Surrey players on their home ground. Graham Thorpe had returned to the side at Headingley after being ludicrously dropped for the first four Tests of the summer. He was a different player, an exhilarating counter-attacker. "I didn't want to die wondering." Thorpe pulled, cut and drove his way to a blistering 79, his third consecutive seventy-something score since his return,, while Alec Stewart made a lordly 62. Yet at 222 for seven, still 110 behind, those innings felt like decorations on a defeat.

Then came what Matthew Engel described in the paper as "brilliant oh-bugger-it batting": in the last half hour of the second day, DeFreitas and Gough decided on a bit of Friday night excess, hooking and driving on the up with abandon. They flogged a tiring Donald all round the Oval. He went for 30 in two overs, and the pair added 59 in 50 balls before the close. Every blow was met with lusty cheers form a liquored crowd, and the carefree manner in which the two batsmen gave it some humpty had many going back to Headingley 81 for a reference point. In the Times, Lee said it was "rollickingly disrespectful". Selvey called it "outrageous".

It was also contagious. From the start of that partnership to the end of the match almost two days later, England scored their runs at 5.76 per over and took a wicket every 30 balls. Throughout the match their run rate was 4.52, which was staggering and unprecedented in the mid-1990s. It has only ever been exceeded three times by an English side: the two complete mismatches against Bangladesh in 2005, and another pummelling of a poor West Indies in 2007. This was England playing like cornered tigers.

The cubs were certainly ready to protect their leader. On the Saturday morning, the England coach Keith Fletcher called Atherton into another room on the pretext of discussing field placings so that Gooch could implore the rest of the team to give everything for their besieged captain. It is seen as one of the key moments in the match, and was shortly followed by another: the first-ball bouncer from Fanie de Villiers that rattled into Malcolm's helmet. In his autobiography, Donald says that a number of the South Africa team (though not him) blamed Malcolm for Rhodes's injury and wanted to give him some short stuff in return. It prompted a furious response from Malcolm. "You guys are going to pay for this," is the pre-watershed version of his response. "You guys are history."

Some think Malcolm's famous quote is apocryphal – most of the best quotes are – although many of the South Africans on the field at the time attest to it. In his autobiography, Donald recalled the scene. "A piece of foam padding flew off from Devon's helmet and Gary Kirsten, fielding at short leg, bent down to pick it up. Devon said to him, 'Fuck off, I'm going to kill you guys', and Gary just smiled back at him. The rest of the close fielders joined in to chirrup Devon and he turned rond to them, snarling 'You guys are fucking history'. Soon we were."

England trailed by 28, but the mood of the match had changed with Gough and DeFreitas's assault. Between innings Malcolm was as inscrutable as ever, sat with his eyes closed and his headphones on. Then came the chin music. His first ball was an eye-widening brute that whistled past Gary Kirsten's face. Kirsten, numbed into strokelessness, wasn't even looking at the third ball when it rammed into his glove, with Malcolm charging through to take the return catch. The other Kirsten, Peter, went to the other extreme and was caught on the hook. Then Cronje played an immaculate looking forward defensive, only to lose his middle stump. "If you look on the footage he was in the perfect forward defence position," said Malcolm in this interview, "but the ball bowled him half an hour before he put the bat down!"

South Africa were one for three. Malcolm had figures of 2-2-0-3. Although South Africa partially recovered to 73 for three and 137 for four, Malcolm went through them in three spells of unfettered, uncomplicated fast bowling: fast, straight, and with a followthrough that suggested he was right on his game. "If ever there was a zone, I was in it," he says in an excellent interview in this month's Cricketer. The three spells were 5-2-4-3, 6-0-36-1 and then 5.3-0-17-5 as he blew away the lower order.

The glory was all Malcolm's. South Africa certainly didn't cover themselves in it.

The captain Wessels, rattled after being hit in the box and given a couple of temporary tattoos he didn't ask for, slashed wildly and was caught behind. The lower order generally took guard somewhere on middle stump … of an imaginary second set. In short, many of them didn't fancy it. "Technically they were horribly exposed," wrote Vic Marks in the Observer. At times they looked like they had seen the devil. In fact it was only Devon, but on that day it wasn't easy to discern the difference.

Only Daryll Cullinan fronted up. He made a beautiful 94 and was the only man who didn't fall to Malcolm, with Gough taking the eighth wicket of the innings. "I really don't think we were weak against fast bowling," argues the wicketkeeper Richardson. "Any team in the world would have struggled against him on that day, on that pitch." Malcolm's figures of 16.3-2-57-9 were the sixth best in Test history at the time and are still in the top 10. George Lohmann and Sir Richard Hadlee are the only seamers to have taken better figures. When he phoned home that night, Malcolm's wife Jenny, who had watched every ball, deadpanned "Hello dear. I've been out shopping all day. Did you get any wickets?" Malcolm replied: "Oh yeah, I got a couple."

England's target of 204 could have been tricky, but Gooch and Atherton ran with the mood and ran amok, ludicrously adding 56 for the first wicket in five overs. Gooch, who was angry because he thought he was past it after dropping a simple catch, creamed 33 off 20 balls. His Twenty20 strike rate of 165 was more than eight times his strike rate of 18.60 in the first innings. Donald again bore the brunt. His first four overs went for 45, which made it 75 from six after his spell on the Friday evening. After one blow from Gooch, the BBC commentator Tony Lewis said: "It's like a Sunday league match, this."

At the close England were 107 for one from only 16 overs. Victory was completed the next morning, with Graeme Hick making a classy 81 not out from 81 balls. Lee praised England's "stunningly ruthless cricket … The transformation was so swift and complete as to be barely believable."

Where does such a staggering performance come from? "Sometimes that happens," said Thorpe. "The adrenaline just courses through a side." It's natural to ascribe deeper meaning to potential tipping points – Atherton rowing with Malcolm, Gooch's pep talk, Malcolm being skulled by de Villiers – although the more mundane reality may be that it simply happened, almost by accident.

At the end of a draining match, both Gooch and Atherton considered their future before eventually going on the Ashes tour. Atherton, wrote Selvey, was "as flat as a hedgehog on the A1". The man himself said simply "this weekend wasn't a very good time for me". He was one of the few who didn't get carried away with the victory. Most felt England were ready to compete with Australia that winter. They weren't and lost 3-1. A year later, the story had a sad footnote when Malcolm and Illingworth had a nasty, public fall-out on the tour of South Africa.

Thankfully, the abiding memory is of the match itself. The magnificent English team of the 2010s give us very few opportunities to grumble about how things were back in the day. But they still haven't produced a performance as devastating as this.

You can see highlights of the game by clicking here.

• This is an extract from the Spin, the Guardian's free weekly cricket email. To sign up, click here .

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England v Australia – as it happened | Rob Smyth

Ravi Bopara starred with bat and ball as England completed a 4-0 thrashing of Australia with a comfortable victory in a rain-affected match at Old Trafford

Routing Australia, rather than preparing for the Tests to come against South Africa, will be England's priority when they aim to put the seal on a successful month of one-day cricket under the Old Trafford floodlights on Tuesday.

"I can honestly say there's been no talk about South Africa," said Graham Gooch, the batting coach, ahead of a day-night match in which England will be aiming to clinch the NatWest series 4-0 with a record-extending 10th consecutive win in 50-over cricket, discounting a couple of washouts. "Every time you play Australia you want to win, every time you beat Australia it brings confidence to your dressing room."

Victory would also make a significant difference to England's place in the official 50-over rankings. The abandonment of the third match of the series at Edgbaston may have scuppered the ambitious goal of displacing Australia from the top of the rankings with a 5-0 whitewash, but a 4-0 win would lift England to third, behind South Africa only on fractions and within a single point of Australia. That would leave either England or South Africa with the opportunity to overtake the Aussies in the three one-day games that follow their Test series in August.

On the other hand an Australia victory at Old Trafford would consolidate their position at the top with 121 ranking points, and leave England in fourth on 115.

Read the full preview here.

Preamble The old jokes are the best, right? Well. For the last week we've had to endure banterlicious discussion of whether Andy Murray is British or Scottish – a joke that was funny for about 72 seconds, in 2005 – and now, after a cricket summer that had been drowned by the weather, we have a game in, yes, Manchester. And it's raining! The forecast is less than great and, while the game isn't yet a write off, play won't start at 2pm as scheduled.

There will be an inspection at 3pm. The cut-off point for play to start is just after 7pm.

2pm Mark Boucher has brought forward his retirement from international cricket because of the horrific eye injury he suffered at Somerset yesterday. What an unspeakably brutal twist of fate. He ends, almost unbelievably, one short of becoming the first man to reach 1000 dismissals in international cricket. Instead he stuck in the nervous 990s, with 555 in Tests and 444 in ODIs and T20s. He will also end on 147 Test caps. The plan was for him to reach 150 on this tour and then retire.

Boucher was the tough guy of the South African team from 1997 to 2012, a player who was not always liked but who was respected by every opponent he faced. The first line of his Cricinfo profile says it all: "A man to go to war with, but never against." Here's a supreme tribute to Boucher, written by Rob Bagchi earlier in the year.

2.05pm "It's rained here in Manchester persistently all night and all day and continues you do so now," says Ian Rogers. "Go home, forget it, nothing to see here."

2.10pm "A journalist described Boucher as a 'hard bastard' on the radio earlier today," says Ravi Nair. "Affectionately. So not always little friend of all the world. But... Still a legend, no? Love him or hate him. And worrying about his eye. Wouldn't wish that on anybody."

2.15pm "Just as I'm coming round to the fact that England have an excellent Test team, and a more-than-useful T20 one, they've gone and got good at ODIs too," says Ant Pease. "It's either that or Australia have been pretty shoddy this tourette (is that the right word?). All I do know is that when I read a piece on Cricinfo saying that having identified Bresnan batting at 7 to be a weakness, Australia are yet to bowl at him, my first thought was to feel a bit sorry for them. Sorry! For the Aussies! From an English cricket fan exposed to the 80s and 90s! There's something deeply wrong with the world, and I blame Andy Flower."

2.20pm "Please let me be the first (I'm sure I'm not) to say how sad the news about Mark Boucher is today," says Simon Brereton. "I could scarcely believe it when I saw he'd played 150-odd Tests. That has to be some kind of record, I said, when I remembered in this day and age Tendulkar has all those records sown up. But not many remember when (current ICC head-honcho) Dave Richardson retired how sad we were and unimpressed by young Mark's first few games, but it's not sentiment now that would put him in my (not your) all-time XI. We will miss you Mark. That is all.."

Cricinfo picked John Waite in their all-time South Africa XI. Denis Lindsay was a fantastic keeper-batsman too, but I don't think anyone would argue too strongly if you put Boucher in.

2.31pm It's not raining in Manchester at the moment. The delay is because of a wet outfield, but there is a snifter of optimism that we might get some play.

2.45pm "I know he's been slagged off many a time on the boards here, but Mark Boucher really was a great servant of cricket in South Africa," says Duncan Bonnett. "Given the nature of cricket and cricket politics in South Africa over the years, it's remarkable that a brief period aside, he's been a fixture in the team when all around him were being skewered for cricketing and non-cricketing reasons. He'll leave a pretty big hole in the side. In terms of the best 'keeper from our shores of all time, a mention has to be made of Ray 'Jet' Jennings: another abrasive character from the golden (although unproven) era of South African cricket from the seventies through to the eighties. He had remarkable reflexes, was a great keeper and handy (at times) with the bat too."

Very true. Dave Richardson was a fine keeper-batsman too. I'm still haunted by the thought of Brian McMillan and Richardson turning a score of 150 for six into 350 against England.

2.49pm "While we await the end of the ersatz Ashes, the Somerset versus Proteas match (thank goodness for twitcher and Aunty) seems to be tremendous fun. Also our lovely England women are playing the series decider against India tomorrow. I presume you know about the wonderful '50 shades of Grey' mystery on their long coach trip from Truro to Wormsley yesterday?"

No, what's this? And what's 50 shades of Grey?

2.59pm I've just realised what Fifty Shades of Grey is. As you were.

3.01pm Rob has dashed off to Waterstones, rambling about an "urgent purchase", but you're not missing much: the umpires have inspected, and will do so again in an hour's time. The outfield isn't fit for play at the moment.

3.13pm "50 shades of grey," says Lorraine Reese.

3.14pm "Afternoon," says Mark Jelbert. "Is Fifty Shades of Grey the weather forecast?"

3.18pm "This," says Jos Roberts, "is all you need to know about said tome."

3.52pm Hello. I've been faffing around, reading Fifty Shades of Grey in record time researching this week's Spin, but you haven't missed anything. The next inspection is at 4pm.

4.02pm The umpires are inspecting as we type.

4.08pm Sky are showing highlights of the thrilling first CB Series final between Australia and England in 2007. If you are really, really workshy/bored, you can relive it here. The one thing I remember about that OBO is desperately needing the little boys' room for the last hour. You really needed to know that.

4.11pm "If we do get some play and England win the series 4-0 will it be a greywash?" says Kevin Perkins. "And if so what shade will it be?"

4.14pm Some good news: play will start at 5.30pm. If it doesn't rain frogs in the meantime.

4.15pm THe match will be 32 overs per side.

4.20pm "'Faffing'?" sniffs Matt Dony. "Is that what you call it these days? Sounds like you might need the little boys room now!" That's his exclamation mark, not mine.

4.21pm "50 Shades of Delay is more appropriate!" "Ha! Brilliant," says Ben Timpson, who won't be here all week because we've just booted him out the fire escape.

4.50pm Pop quiz, hotshot: guess what's happening in Manchester?

4.51pm Yes, yes it is raining. Not heavily, but the covers are back on.

5pm "Miserable," says Mike Atherton, hiding under a Sky Sports umbrella out in the middle. "Nothing to commend it at all. Raining, not too heavily, but very miserable." He's talking about the direction of the weather and adds, with a smile, that "nothing much good comes from Liverpool". Yes, he is a Manchester United fan. Yes, he was joking. Yes, I will work my eyeballs out with a pencil if there is faux outrage over this.

5.10pm The covers are off again, and apparently we are still on a for a 5.30pm start.

5.14pm "Shouldn't you have used the time afforded by this rain delay to pen '50 shades of Gary' – a collection of Mr Naylor's most memorable homoerotic OBO comments," says Nick Smith. Do we really need to cap it at 50?

England have won the toss and will bowl first, for obvious reasons. Tim Bresnan is out with a sore elbow, so James Tredwell comes in. Australia make two changes, with Xavier Doherty and Steve Smith replacing the injured pair of Brett Lee and Shane Watson. The wicketkeeper Matthew Wade moves up to open.

England Cook (c), Bell, Trott, Bopara, Morgan, Kieswetter (wk), Patel, Broad, Tredwell, Anderson, Finn.

Australia Warner, Wade (wk), Forrest, Clarke (c), Bailey, Hussey, Smith, McKay, Pattinson, Hilfenhaus, Doherty.

Here come the players. I must be honest, I had no expectation of play today so I haven't had time for my pre-OBO finger-exercise routine. [Brent] Get your excuses in early [/Brent].

1st over: Australia 1-0 (Wade 1, Warner 0) A bit of early swing for Anderson, on his home ground. Can we really refer to home grounds for centrally contracted players? Anyway, the new opener Wade drives the second ball for a single, the only run from a good first over.

"My abiding memory of Boucher," says Nagarjun K, "will be that of White Lightning going mental over his dropped catch in '98." And the lovely touch when Donald then ran up from fine leg to pat him on the bum. It will definitely be in the Joy of Six: sporting bumpats.

2nd over: Australia 2-0 (Wade 2, Warner 0) The magnificent Steven Finn starts with two stunning full-length deliveries that growl past Wade's outside edge. The fourth ball jags back to leave a tattoo on Wade's inner thigh. Finn is in the top three of the ODI rankings, which prompts a magnificent stat from Bumble. "First England pace bowler to be in the top three since ... Alan Mullally!" Mind you, the official ICC site has Finn at tenth in the rankings, so maybe Bumble's caught a sniff of the wrong whitewash. Presumably Finn is set to go into the top three when they update the rankings at the end of this series.

"The woman next to me on the train this morning was reading 50 Shades of Grey on her Kindle," says Ant Pease. "Not wanting to ruin her ladyporn experience, I helpfully pointed out that at best, the kindle can only render 16 grayscale shades, so she might not be getting the most out of the book. How does that make me the loser?" Has anyone actually read this thing? What is so special about it? Is it unisexual?

3rd over of 32: Australia 2-0 (Wade 2, Warner 0) I think I'm right in saying that, if England win today, they will have a chance to go No1 by beating South Africa later in the summer. But I'm not certain as the relevant webpage seems to be down. England's bowling attack are in perfect working order though – how's that for a dreadful segue – and Anderson zips one off the seam past the groping Wade's outside edge. An excellent maiden.

"Best hope it's a prevailing sou'westerly," says Sean Clayton. "From my mobile weather centre (a train somewhere near York), it's bloody horrible over God's\ Allah's\ the Flying Spaghetti Monster's Own County..." It looks okay at the moment. Imagine if it welts down during the Olympics.

4th over of 32: Australia 8-0 (Wade 2, Warner 5) Warner misses a booming drive at another snorter from Finn but gets it right next ball, punching an authoritative drive down the ground for four.

"If England's First XI are at or near the top of the rankings, where would their
Second XI be in a Second XI ranking?" says Gary Naylor. "Miles ahead, I venture. When one looks at other countries or the IPL, the shallowness of talent (with the possible exception of Indian middle order batting and Australian pace bowling) is marked. It may just be cyclical, or it may be a sign that talented schoolkids in other countries are turning to other sports." I don't really know enough to comment. Is our depth of batting really that strong, though? There is scary potential, but if chickenpox took out three of the top six for next week's first Test, who would we bring in?

5th over of 32: Australia 9-0 (Wade 2, Warner 6) Wade is beaten by another gem from Anderson, on a perfect length and angling away off the seam. Anderson has figures of 3-1-2-0; outstanding in a 50-over game, never mind a 32-over contest.

"My wife's book group have decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in order to annoy a conservative voting bloke in their midst," says Matthew West. "She informs me that it is absolute bollocks. She has declined to clarify whether that is just reference to a chapter involving teabagging." And with its first teabagging reference, the once proud Guardian Over-by-Over reached its nadir. (I was going to say 'if it's good enough for John Waters it should be good enough for us', as teabagging is an, a-hem, important part of the brilliant film Pecker, but then I remembered Pink Flamingos.)

6th over of 32: Australia 13-0 (Wade 2, Warner 10) Finn beats Warner with yet another wonderful delivery that boings away off the seam. "Cor!" says Bumble. "Oh hoo!" When Finn bowls that full length he really brings to mind Jason Gillespie in his snarling pomp. After five dot balls, Warner inside edges the last ball of a sensational over for four, just wide of the diving Kieswetter.

In an unrelated development, look at this for a Twenty20 match!

7th over of 32: Australia 22-0 (Wade 4, Warner 17) Warner flicks a shortish delivery from Anderson cleverly behind square for four. The next ball is fuller, seams back and cuts Warner in half. These are such difficult conditions for batting, especially in a reduced-overs game where you have less time to just hang in there.

8th over of 32: Australia 24-0 (Wade 5, Warner 18) A Halley's Comet moment. Jimmy Anderson has dropped a catch. Wade edged a drive at the new bowler Broad to the left of Anderson at slip, but he put down a sharp chance at shoulder height. "Old Trafford looks a picture," says Gary Naylor. "Unfortunately, a picture by Jackson Pollock."

9th over of 32: Australia 31-0 (Wade 7, Warner 23) Finn switches ends and is driven through the covers for four by Warner, who has done extremely well to score at almost a run a ball (23 from 25) in these conditions. Wade has been far less convincing at the other end – and he has just been dropped for the second time! He pushed at a good delivery from Finn that bounced more than he expected and went very low to the right of Tredwell at second slip. He was a little slow to get down and couldn't get his hands under the ball.

"Rob, how can you even ask! Test match, 50/50 or even T20, Rob Lewis in Istanbul and my good self on the steamy west coast of Turkey are with you forever. In contrast to my home city of Derby – 15 degrees and flooded – Rob and I are sipping our ice-cold beers on the balcony: it's a mere 36 degrees in Turkey today. But you won't print this, so you can wave goodbye to that box of Turkish delight I purchased for you today", writes the ever-perky Wayne Trotman in Izmir, who even writes the 'writes the ever-perky Wayne Trotman in Izmir' for me. Now that's the kind of reader I like.

10th over of 32: Australia 42-0 (Wade 8, Warner 32) Pick that out! Warner launches a length ball from Broad high over mid on for six. Warner looks in the mood tonight, and if he bats most of this innings Australia will have a very good score. Such statements of the offensively obvious are why they pay me the big bucks. Oh dear, Warner has been put down by Samit Patel, a dolly at third man. He got in the perfect position to take the ball after Warner slashed Broad up and over, but the ball went straight through his hands and into his chest. Whatever he achieves in international cricket, and he is extremely talented, Samit Patel will never be able to lose his Frank Spencer gene.

"I would not worry about heavy rain during the Olympics," says Ian Copestake, "as like many other parts of the capital the weather will be cordoned off."

WICKET! Australia 43-1 (Warner LBW b Tredwell 32) James Tredwell, playing his first game for England since the World Cup, strikes with his fourth ball. Warner simply missed a sweep at a very full delivery that turned and would have hit middle stump. He fancied the review but Wade rightly talked him out of it. That was pretty plumb, and it's an excellent wicket for England. Warner looked dangerous and made 32 from 32 balls.

11th over of 32: Australia 44-1 (Wade 9, Forrest 1) The new batsman Peter Forrest avoids consecutive golden ducks, and then avoids consecutive ducks with a single to leg off his second ball. "In reference to that Bangladesh v. Bangladesh A T20, you don't see an economy rate of 36.00 very often, do you?" says Lee Rodwell. "We've clearly answered that question of who has the best Second XI in international cricket."

12th over of 32: Australia 45-1 (Wade 9, Forrest 2) Forrest survives a huge LBW shout from Broad. It looked plumb, but when Aleem Dar shakes his head you know it's not out. Hotspot shows there was indeed an inside edge. If society could clone one human being in any field, surely it would have to be Aleem Dar? He is insanely good. Just one from Broad's over, and Wade has now crawled to 9 from 36 balls. He has the capacity to make up for those lost balls later in his innings; he certainly needs to do so because if he gets out now it could be a match-losing innings.

13th over of 32: Australia 45-1 (Wade 9, Forrest 2) A maiden from Tredwell to Forrest. Australia are struggling here.

"Banter," is the email subject written by Phil Sawyer, who knows that string vests aren't the only way to get a gentleman OBOer's attention. "I've got a riff for you, Rob dearest. If this game goes past 9pm it'll clash with my weekly dose of Hells Kitchen USA. Yes, I know. I hate me too for watching it. But for some reason I find I get a guilty pleasure out of my fix of Gordon Ramsey swearing indiscriminately at fist pumping American wretches who are completely blind to their own inadequacies (or, indeed, those of Chef Ramsey, as they insist on calling him). What are your other twos of readers' guilty viewing pleasures? The kind of thing that, if you admitted to watching at a dinner party, you know you'd have to leave shortly afterwards, never be invited back, and have to find new friends afterwards." There are rumours that one OBO writer refuses to make plans between 9 and 10pm on a Monday night, but I have no comment to make on the subject.

14th over of 32: Australia 48-1 (Wade 11, Forrest 3) A leading edge from Forrest off Broad falls short of cover, and then he misses an attempted hook. Three from the over, and between them these two have made 14 from 52 balls.

WICKET! Australia 49-2 (Forrest run out 3) This might be a blessing in disguise for Australia. The hapless Peter Forrest, who came back for a second to long on, was beaten by a sharp throw from Patel and a superb piece of work from Tredwell, who took the ball in front of the stumps and swivelled smoothly to dislodge the bails a fraction before Forrest was home.

WICKET! Australia 49-3 (Wade st Kieswetter b Tredwell 12) Two wickets in three balls! James Tredwell is having a fairytale return to the England side. Wade charged down the track and was beaten by a ball that turned a long way past the edge, with Craig Kieswetter doing the necessary behind the stumps. Wade looks accusingly at the pitch, although I'm not sure why. He has gone for a miserable 12 from 41 balls.

15th over of 32: Australia 52-3 (Clarke 1, Smith 2) Tredwell has figures of 3-1-6-2, to go with the run out. He's a crecit to the bald community.

"I have an answer to Phil Sawyer's query," says Ian Copestake, "but it involves the word "porn," so I'll leave it."

WICKET! Australia 55-4 (Clarke run out 1) This is turning into a farce. Michael Clarke plays tip-and-run into the off side, and he is well short when Eoin Morgan collects the ball on the run and detonates the stumps at the non-striker's end. Wonderful fielding, and Morgan wheels away with one hand in the air like Ian Rush in his bristling-couponed pomp. It won't show on Statsguru, but there are few better feelings for a fielder. Australia have lost four for 12 in five overs.

16th over of 32: Australia 56-4 (Smith 5, D Hussey 0) "As you watch more of the Twenty20 stuff than is probably good for you, are there ever instances when a struggling batter has removed himself to let the next one have a go," says Ian Copestake. "It came to mind as Forrest and thingy were struggling." None that I know of, although it may well have happened somewhere. Ordinarily they simply hit out or get out. And it's Thirtytwo32, Ian, not Twenty20.

17th over of 32: Australia 61-4 (Smith 8, D Hussey 2) Samit Patel comes into the attack and the new batsman Hussey gets a leading edge just wide of short extra cover. This pitch is certainly turning.

18th over of 32: Australia 71-4 (Smith 18, D Hussey 2) Steven Finn is back, presumably to harass Steven Smith. In fact Smith drives very pleasantly down the ground for four, the first boundary for eight overs. HE gets anoither off the last ball, tickling a short ball off the hip. A fine over from Australia, ten from it.

"Does Man v Food still count as a guilty pleasure following its appearance in The Guide, or is it now ironically hip?" says Tom Hopkins. "If it helps one way or the other, it comes with a special hand signal (no, not one of those ones)."

19th over of 32: Australia 77-4 (Smith 21, D Hussey 6) Smith and Hussey scamper six from Patel's over. They are both very quick between the wickets and have regrouped purposefully since that collapse.

"How's this for a predicament: flew from Kathmandu (my home for the past three years) today, heading optimistically for Colombo, my home to be," says Tony George, and you know where this story is going. "Owing to a total screw up on the visa front (by the organisation I shall be working for, rather than yours truly, for once) , I'm sat in Delhi airport, stuck in limbo Tom Hanks-stylee as they won't give me a boarding pass. I have, at least, convinced them I need access to their computer, which I am using to follow the OBO on the sly. Looking like I'll be sat here for another, ooooh, 20 hours though. Anyone had worse? I imagine something similar in the old Delhi airport would've been in a different class. And the only effing smoking room's closed for refurbishment." I'm sensing rancour.

WICKET! Australia 77-5 (Smith c Kieswetter b Bopara 21) A bonus wicket for Ravi Bopara with his first ball of the match. Smith, who had played well to reach 21 from 20 balls, got a thin edge down the leg side and Kieswetter took a smart low catch. Smith shakes his head in disgust as what Dame Fortune has just done on his bonfire.

20th over of 32: Australia 80-5 (D Hussey 6, Bailey 3) It's hard to know what a good score is in these conditions, but it's definitely not 79 for five.

21st over of 32: Australia 86-5 (D Hussey 9, Bailey 6)
"Well, there was I, merrily trying to dig a tree stump out of my garden (don't ask) when the radio tells me that they're actually deigning to try and play cricket," says Alan Titchm Amy Clements. "So I duly tune to TMS, to hear that the Aussies have apparently given up playing any cricket, and somewhat sarcastic commentary about how it helps to actually run between the wickets when at the crease... So, what's the verdict on this Aussie side? Have Clarke, Hussey et al just given up? Or are England really that superior? (I don't actually think we are, though we undoubtedly have a cracking side.) Anyhoo, it's not looking like anything other than 4-0 to the Poms in the series at the moment, is it. Shame, I was rather hoping that we'd get a contest out of this one day series..."

Now now, remember John Buchanan saying that. Australia must be better than we have seen in this series. It seems there has been a combination of factors: being caught cold during an off-season tour, not having Mike Hussey, the moving ball, and of course England playing some formidable cricket. It's also easy for an ODI series to get away from a team mentally if they go behind – especially if they are the touring side and start thinking of the children and the flight home. Look how often England have been panned 5-1 or 6-1 in the last decade, including in Australia in 2010-11.

WICKET! Australia 86-6 (D Hussey c Kieswetter b Bopara 9) Ravi Bopara is going through Australia like a dose of salts. The world has mislaid its final marble. Hussey, trying to glide a widish delivery to third man, doesn't get enough on it and Kieswetter takes a simple catch. Bopara has figures of 1.1-0-3-2.

22nd over of 32: Australia 87-6 (Bailey 6, Pattinson 1)
"Kieswetter's rather upped his game in the keeper stakes this series," says Phil Sawyer. "Is it possible that knowing he's not going to have to open the batting has relaxed him and left him more able to concentrate on his performance behind the stumps?" I suppose that's possible, yeah. He has always taken some brilliant catches, but in this series he hasn't had the accompanying howlers. Still, he is mainly in the team for his batting and he does have a lot to learn at No6. (That's not a criticism, it's a completely new role for him in the England team.)

REVIEW! Australia 89-6 (Pattinson not out 2) I know it's been a wet summer, but nobody expected Australia to be such a shower. It's almost too much to bear. England have been all over them from the moment Eoin Morgan got going in the first ODI. Is this another wicket? Pattinson pushed defensively at a straight delivery from Tredwell, bat hidden behind the pad. Ian Gould said not out but England chose to review the decision. It was bouncing over the stumps, so that's an excellent piece of umpiring.

23rd over of 32: Australia 89-6 (Bailey 7, Pattinson 2) That was the last ball of the over. Tredwell's figures are 4-1-8-2.

24th over of 32: Australia 90-6 (Bailey 8, Pattinson 2) Pattinson snicks a low full toss from Bopara on the bounce to Kieswetter, and is beaten outside off later in the over. Try explaining that sentence to somebody who doesn't like cricket.

"Australia will be fine," says Ian Copestake. "They are just going through a transitional decade." We'll regret such gloating one of these centuries days, quite possibly next summer.

25th over of 32: Australia 93-6 (Bailey 10, Pattinson 3) Bailey shovels Tredwell over his shoulder for a single, despite Kieswetter anticipating the shot and attempting to catch it. Pattinson survives a huge LBW shout later in the over. England have used their review, although it doesn't matter as it pitched just outside leg before turning a mile to hit Pattinson on the pad.

"I honestly worry for the character of the nation's young cricket fans," says Peter Harmer. "They'll be starting to think this is how cricket works. I'm sure my early years of cricket-induced fear were character building. I didn't realise 'England middle order' could be said without being followed by 'batting collapse' until I was 15 and that set me up perfectly for the rest of life's disappointment." It's so true. The 46 all out is fractionally above puberty, being dumped for the first time and discovering Hold On by Wilson Phillips on the list of formative experiences.

26th over of 32: Australia 96-6 (Bailey 12, Pattinson 4) Three singles from Bopara's over. England are rattling through the overs.

27th over of 32: Australia 99-6 (Bailey 14, Pattinson 5) And now just three singles from Tredwell's over. "Hey, man, like someone who resents all of George Lucas' work post-1984, I was there at the beginning and I will throw at least as much doo at the Aussies as I had to sift through in my sensitive years," says Ian Copestake, who has a lot of doo still to throw.

28th over of 32: Australia 104-6 (Bailey 17, Pattinson 7) Stuart Broad replaces Ravi Bopara, who has daft figures of 4-0-8-2 in the match and 19-0-57-4 in the series. Five from the over; Australia are dealing purely in singles at the moment.

"Bonsoir Robert," says Michael Plevin. "I've just discovered that my local English pub in Grenoble (called Shakesbeer. Get it?) is showing the cricket. They even serve a reasonable pint of Youngs. I'm here with a mélange of European scientists. They seem more confused than interested and can't understand my smug grin. I guess they didn't suffer the same way we did in the 1990s."

29th over of 32: Australia 113-6 (Bailey 25, Pattinson 8) Bailey gives Tredwell's first ball the charge and strong-arms it impressively over long on for six. Tredwell's comeback is impressive, however, with only three singles from the last five balls of the over. And his comeback to international cricket has been extremely impressive. He ends with figures of 7-1-23-2, to go with that neat run-out of Forrest.

WICKET! Australia 120-7 (Pattinson c Kieswetter b Finn 13) Pattinson bottom-edges a slower ball from Finn through to Kieswetter, who takes an excellent catch diving forward. There was a long delay while the decision went upstairs – and there was a bit of confusion as the replays s suggested the third umpire might have been checking whether there was an edge. Except he's not allowed to do that because England have already used their review. The Sky chaps don't seem to think there's any controversy, however, and that the third umpire was only checking whether the ball carried. It did.

30th over of 32: Australia 120-7 (Bailey 27, McKay 0) That was the last ball of the over.

31st over of 32: Australia 133-7 (Bailey 36, McKay 4) The penultimate over of the innings, bowled by Broad, costs 13. Bailey flicks consecutive deliveries past short fine leg for four and then McKay edges through the vacant cordon for another boundary.

32 overs: Australia 145-7 (Bailey 46, McKay 5) Australia take 12 from the last over, bowled by Anderson. Bailey just gets outside the line of an inswinging yorker, thus surviving a big LBW shout – and that's an important reprieve because he launches Anderson for a mighty six over long on and then clouts another boundary back over the bowler's head. Bailey played a very good innings, 46 not out from 41 balls, and England need 146 to win. It's pretty much a Twenty20 target with an extra 12 overs to bat, so you would expect them to clinch a 4-0 victory, even though batting conditions aren't the easiest. See you in 10 minutes.

INNINGS BREAK

WICKET! England 5-1 (Bell c b McKay 4) Australia get the early wicket they need. Ian Bell clips Clint McKay straight to midwicket, where George Bailey takes a routine catch. That's a soft dismissal, and Bell's first failure in his new role as opener.

1st over: England 5-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 1, Trott 0) In other news, I've just accidentally fingered an utterly rancid grape in my punnet, and my fingers now smell of vinegar. Urgh.

2nd over: England 7-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 2, Trott 0) The ball is still moving around, and this could be a much tighter chase than some of us envisaged. Cook leaves an inswinger from Hilfenhaus that doesn't miss off stump by much; then he digs out an excellent yorker.

"Hold On by Wilson Phillips? Ooh, good call, Rob," says Phil Sawyer, who almost certainly has a different song in mind. "A couple of years ago I finally pursuaded my father to let me have his collection of old soul and R&B 45s as my rather premature inheritance. I'm sure he thought I'd immediately be hawking them on Ebay. Little did he suspect I'd spend my evenings keening over them, Gollum style. I think I might even occasionally mutter 'my precious' when I hold in my hands this gem from Sugar Pie Desanto."

3rd over: England 13-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 8, Trott 0) Cook gets the first boundary, flashing a wider delivery from McKay through the covers. "When the conversation turns to the Higgs Boson it will be the turn of Michael Plevin's new drinking buddies to wear the smug grins and shake their heads at his being more confused than interested," says Marie Meyer.

4th over: England 19-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 8, Trott 6) A lovely stroke from Trott off Hilfenhaus is half stopped by Warner a backward point, a brilliant effort that saves two runs, but he flicks the next ball off the thigh to get his first boundary.

REVIEW! England 19-1 (Cook not out 8) Cook is given out caught behind by Aleem Dar but I think the noise was bat on pad. Cook certainly thought so – he reviewed the decision straight away, and he was right to do so. The noise was indeed bat on pad and there was no edge, so Cook survives. Aleem Dar has made his first mistake since 2006.

5th over: England 20-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 9, Trott 6) "Ah. Ahem," says Phil Sawyer. "Yes, I was thinking of a different song entirely. Hold On by Sam and Dave, in fact."

RAIN STOPS PLAY. 5.4 overs: England 24-1 (target: 146 from 32 overs; Cook 13, Trott 6) James Pattinson replaces Ben Hilfenhaus and is cut fiercely for four by Cook. The rain has started falling, so we might not be on for long. In fact that's it for now. The crowd are booing but the umpires don't really have any option.

8.39pm We need to have 20 overs in the England innings for the match to be completed. I don't know what the cut-off point for a restart is, however. It doesn't look great. What an ill-smelling wet dog of a summer.

8.45pm Ah, it looks a bit better now. Most of the covers have come off. The players need to be back on the field by 9.17pm, so we should be okay. England will have a revised target.

8.49pm The players are coming back out. England's revised target is 138 from 29 overs.

6th over: England 25-1 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 14, Trott 6) James Pattinson bowls the last two balls of his first over, with Cook pushing a single to leg.

7th over: England 26-1 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 15, Trott 6) Hilfenhaus replaces McKay and bowls a good over at a cost of just one. This is going to be a very late finish, near 11pm potentially. There goes another wild night of abandon.

8th over: England 31-1 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 16, Trott 10) Trott cuts Pattinson classily for four, a much needed boundary for England. The target is now 107 from 21 overs.

9th over: England 33-1 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 17, Trott 10) Cook and Trott are happy to play the long game, even in a 29-over chase, although Trott does slam Hilfenhaus a fraction short of mid on.

"Where's Peter Siddle these days?" says Harry Tuttle. "I'm hoping late night talk radio." They're just talking about him on Sky. He's Australia's attack leader in the Test side, a completely different bowler since the former bowling coach Craig McDermott introduced him to the joys of a full length.

WICKET! England 34-2 (Trott b Clarke 10) Michael Clarke has brought himself on to bowl. We should see a few overs of spin in this innings from Clarke, Doherty and maybe Smith, as the ball turned for Tredwell and Patel. And it has certainly turned there! Trott, trying to sweep, missed a ball that ragged sharply and just clipped the off bail. That's a fantastic delivery.

10th over: England 35-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 18, Bopara 1) A fine start from Clarke. One over, two runs and one wicket.

11th over: England 43-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 22, Bopara 5) Left-arm spin from both ends, with Xavier Doherty replacing Ben Hilfenhaus (4-0-11-0). Cook and Bopara work him for eight low-risk runs, including a clever tickle off the pad for three by Cook.

12th over: England 45-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 23, Bopara 6) Another excellent over from Clarke goes for just two singles. He might well bowl his six overs straight through here.

13th over: England 48-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 24, Bopara 8) The Essex boys aren't risking any big shots at this stage, with the required rate still below a run a ball. Three more singles from Doherty's over. England need 90 from 96 balls.

"It's a bit strange when you think about but Australia's best spinner since SK Warne is Michael Clarke," says Gary Naylor. "Nathan Lyon looks a prospect though." Clarke has been so impressive on this tour, especially as captain. He's a captain who never lets the game take a nap, which is extremely rare.

14th over: England 58-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 27, Bopara 15) The weather looks fine now so I'm sure we'll get a result in this match. Cook back cuts Clarke nicely for three and then Bopara, dancing back in his crease, flashes him majestically through extra cover for four. Ten from the over.

15th over: England 62-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 29, Bopara 17) Nudge, scamper. Repeat four times. "Right, I admit to being baffled by the D/L method, but accept whatever I'm told about what the target is," writes Shaun Pollock. "But what I'm not capable of right now (it's just too late / I'm a bit crap / I missed that class at school / the cat sat on the calculator / I can't be arsed and there's a friendly OBO writer to do these things for us) is working out what our run rate needs to be at the moment. So, Smyth, what do we need?" Oh, you mean if it starts raining now? Aleem Dar knows. England must be ahead of D/L at the moment. But I don't think it's going to come into play. If it does you'll hear it here 12th.

16th over: England 64-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 30, Bopara 18) Australia need a wicket and Bopara is playing the spinners beautifully, so Michael Clarke replaces Michael Clarke with James Pattinson. Just two from the over.

17th over: England 73-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 32, Bopara 25) Bopara laps Doherty neatly round the corner and hares back for two, and a high-class cover drive for four from the same batsman makes it nine from the over. England need 65 from 72 balls.

18th over: England 80-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 39, Bopara 25) Cook smashes a pull for four of Pattinson. Seven from the over; England are going really well at the moment and are strong favourites. The weather seems to be closing in again, although we only need to have two more overs for there to be a result.

"Speaking of Clarke's captaincy skills, who was the last great Aussie captain?" says Sean Clayton. "I'd have to go for Tubby Taylor. Ponting was too reactive (and too easily wound up) while Steve Waugh had such a good team around him that he wasn't tested as a captain that often." Waugh was the perfect captain for that group of players; I don't know if it's fair to judge him on what he didn't do because he tailored his approach to that team. And few captains have led by example better than Ponting. But, yes, Taylor was the last classical, imaginative captain before Clarke, definitely, and quite possibly the last great one. He was a sensational captain.

19th over: England 86-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 44, Bopara 26) Cook touches the new bowler McKay off the hip for four to bring up a fine fifty partnership and prompt a less than fine blast of Chelsea Dagger the Fratellis over the tannoy. He survives a muted shout for LBW later in the over. It was missing off.

20th over: England 89-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 46, Bopara 27) Steve Smith comes into the attack, another gamble from the ever adventurous Michael Clarke. Cook fails to punish a full toss and there are just three from the over. Even if the apocalypse arrives now, we will have a result. England are currently ahead of Duckworth/Lewis.

21st over: England 92-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 46, Bopara 30) Cook misses a big flash at McKay, whose fifty over costs just three. England need 46 from 48 balls.

22nd over: England 98-2 (target: 138 from 29 overs; Cook 50, Bopara 32) Cook works Smith round the corner to reach another excellent half-century, this one from 68 balls. Six from the over. England need 40 from 42 balls.

23rd over: England 104-2 (need 34 from 36 balls; Cook 51, Bopara 36) Bopara clunks the new bowler Pattinson over mid on for a couple to bring up the hundred, and then scampers back for two more to deep cover. Six from the over.

24th over: England 114-2 (need 24 from 30 balls; Cook 56, Bopara 41) Steve Smith is replaced by Xavier Doherty, and Bopara sweeps him expertly for four. He has played the slow bowlers so well in this innings. Cook then lifts one a fraction short of Pattinson, running round from deep mid on. Ten from the over.

25th over: England 123-2 (need 15 from 24 balls; Cook 56, Bopara 50) Bopara clouts a short ball from Pattinson thrillingly to cow corner for a one-bounce four. The next ball is full, in the slot and blitzed through extra cover for four more. A neat glide to third man brings him to a majestic 50 from only 51 balls. He has never played better for England, and he will surely bat No6 in the Test series against South Africa.

WICKET! England 126-3 (Cook c Clarke b Hilfenhaus 58) Cook falls, edging an attempted cut to Clarke at slip. That was a smart catch from Clarke. England need 12 from 19 balls.

26th over: England 130-3 (need 8 from 18 balls; Bopara 51, Morgan 4) Morgan waves his first ball imperiously for four. The way he is batting right now, he has the world's address.

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Andy Murray v Jo-Wilfried Tsonga – Wimbledon semi-final as it happened

Andy Murray won an emotional match 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 7-5 to become the first British man to reach the Wimbledon final since 1938

Preamble Are you sitting uncomfortably? Then we'll begin. The experience of watching Andy Murray in a grand slam, particularly at Wimbledon, is some of the most addictive stress around. There will be plenty of that this afternoon – don't make any plans for those fingernails tomorrow – but there may also be unbridled joy. If Murray wins his semi-final he will become the first adopted Englishman British man to reach a Wimbledon final since Bunny Austin in 1938, 27,034 days ago.

Even if he disowns gluten and plays until he's 47, Murray may never get a better chance to reach the final. The match is almost as much about who he isn't playing (Rafael Nadal) as who he is. That in itself is a little worrying. Jo-Wilfried Tsonga is a class act, the fifth seed and sixth in the world, and we saw what the expectation of victory did to Murray the last time the draw opened up for him, back in 2009. He describes his semi-final defeat to Andy Roddick that year as "maybe been my toughest loss so far in a slam"

For all those concerns, Murray has to be favourite. He is the better player and, crucially, has an outstanding head-to-head record against Tsonga: five wins in six, including a four-setter at Wimbledon in 2010.

The winner of this match will play Roger Federer, who struck a blow for gluten with an immense 6-3, 3-6, 6-4, 6-3 victory over Novak Djokovic in the first semi-final. You can relive a fascinating match here.

3.34pm With the sun having the temerity to make an appearance – what does it think this is, summer – they are going to open the roof on Centre Court. The players will be out in around 20 minutes. Here's a Guardian exclusive audio track of Andy Murray's heartbeat at this precise moment.

Roger Federer is Roger Federer is Roger Federer, and he will be favourite on Sunday whoever he plays. But if you had told Andy Murray he could win Wimbledon without playing Nadal or Djokovic, he must just have broken into a smile.

Tony Arthur breaks the golden rule by mentioning the P-word "Is it me or does Judy's outfit remind you of something Grayson Perry would wear?"

It says Murray needs to win more than 65 per cent of his points on the second serve, 55 per cent of rallies with two or fewer shots and 54 per cent of second serve return points. Tsonga needs to win more than 47 per cent of second serve return points, 23 per cent of first serve points with an ace and 55 per cent of points after a rally of nine of more strokes.

First set: Murray* 1-0 Tsonga (*denotes server) Murray breezes to 40-0 before a backhand lob brings him back to 40-15. The crowd groan for the first time when it goes to 40-30 but Murray holds after a longish rally.

First set: Murray 2-0 Tsonga* (*denotes server) A storming two-handed cross-court two-handed backhand from Murray brings him back to 30-15 on the Tonsga serve, and then Tsonga goes long with a relatively straightforward forehand. Another errant forehand down the line gives Murray his first break point; Tsonga saves it with a deliciously deft half-volley, but Murray gets another with a gorgeous dipping cross-court forehand. Tsonga slipped but I don't know if he'd have made it anyway. So another break point to Murray – and this time he takes it with another big two-handed backhand down the line. What a start for Murray.

"Did you know Henry 'Bunny' Austin was the first player to wear shorts at Wimbledon in 1932?" says Rowan Walker. You mean his real name wasn't Bunny?

First set: Murray* 3-0 Tsonga (*denotes server) Here's a video of Andy Murray's fans before the match. Ah, optimism. Hope. Happiness. The transitory fiends. Murray has started really well here and, despite losing the longest and best rally of the match so far, holds his serve to 15.

First set: Murray 3-1 Tsonga* (*denotes server) After a sublime crosscourt whip from Murray, Tsonga takes four consecutive points in brusque fashion to claim his first game.

"How come there are so many empty seats court side, whilst thousands sitting outside?" says Michael Nolan. "Another case of corporate freeloaders?" I have not a solitary clue. Anyone know?

First set: Murray* 4-1 Tsonga (*denotes server) A wonderful crosscourt backhand from Tsonga gives him two break points, his first of the match. He makes a Horlicks of the first, slapping a down-the-line forehand into the net, and Murray saves the second with a big forehand as Tsonga half-slips again. Murray, grateful for the reprieve, serves out with consecutive aces, his first of the match. That's an extremely importantl hold for Murray.

First set: Murray 4-2* Tsonga (*denotes server) Thus far Murray has won 71 per cent of points on second serve. Tsonga? 0 per cent. Nada. Zilch. The square root of eff all. He's strong enough on his first serve, however. Murray misses a chance at 30-15, and Tsonga holds with an ace.

"After the Federer/Djokovic excitement, everyone's gone to the food court," says Mark Seager. "And anyone who's been in there knows how much of an epic trek that journey is." What's the least Wimbledony food they sell there? I assume there's no Subway. A Greggs, maybe? Ginsters and Pimm's?

First set: Murray* 5-2 Tsonga (*denotes server) Murray looks mean and moody. You wouldn't want to say anything about Judy's outfit to him when he's got this face on. It's his Business Face, his Lendl Face. An ace takes him to 40-15, and he finishes the game with another sensational dipping cross-court forehand on the run. "You gotta show a replay of that..." says John McEnroe. Murray is playing beautifully.

"I'm assuming empty seats at W'don are for the same reason that there are empty seats at Test matches and footy games after breaks," says Adam Roberts. "Some people are more interested in other things than the sport. And don't get me started on 'beating the traffic'…."

First set: Murray 5-3 Tsonga* (*denotes server) Superstar watch: the camera spends a few seconds leering at Kylie Minogue between points. There are too many unforced errors from Tsonga the noo; a long slice makes it 30-15, and at 40-15 he loses yet another point on the second serve. But Murray can't take advantage and Tsonga holds, so Murray will serve for the first set.

"Surely they must sell deep-fried Mars Bars in honour of Murray?" honks Tom Janes. "Or at least deep-fried strawberries."

Murray wins the first set 6-3. A successful challenge from Murray gives him the first point of the game after Tsonga fails to deal with a serve that is erroneously called long. Tsonga brings it back to 15-15, following up a superb sliced drop shot with an easy backhand volley. A big first serve from Murray takes him to within two points of the first set – and then a vicious forehand give him two set points. Already. He takes the first with a routine forehand. What a fantastic set of tennis from Andy Murray; it took him just 35 minutes. Ivan Lendl is smiling broadly.

The IBM SlamTracker tells us that Tsonga had nine unforced errors to Murray's three in that set.

Second set: Murray 6-3, 0-1 Tsonga* (*denotes server) Murray starts the second set as he finished the first, winning the first two points on the Tsonga serve. A flurry of big first serves from Tsonga bring him back to 40-30, and despite netting a backhand he eventually holds.

"When I'm in charge, it will be illegal to arrive at a sporting event late, or leave early," says Bill Gibson, who may or may not own a cattle prod. "The only excuse for leaving before the players have been applauded off would be if one's partner enters the second stage of labour, and even then it's poor form."

Second set: Murray* 6-3, 1-1 Tsonga (*denotes server) Tsonga has the body language of a man who's just lost all his original, vintage Now... CDs, especially when he nets a forehand to make it 30-15. Another unforced error prompts a few seconds of public self-loathing, and Murray holds comfortably to 15.

"Wimbledon 2012 Final: The premonition?" says Simon Watson, before adding a smiley at the end. No smileys please. This isn't a time for smileys. It's never a time for smileys.

Second set: Murray 6-3, 1-2 Tsonga* (*denotes server) Now Murray slips, which is always a worry. No dramaqueenery here, however; he rubs his ankle and gets on with business. Tsonga takes the first two points on serve but a fine backhand drop shot is followed by Tsonga's 15th unforced error. Murray gets into the rally at 30-30 but muffs a backhand, prompting a cry of "AAAAAGH", and Tsonga's big first serve finishes the game.

"Foie gras and Irn Bru?" offers Adam Roberts.Now Murray slips, which is always a worry. No dramaqueenery here, however; he rubs his ankle and gets on with business. Tsonga takes the first two points on serve but a fine backhand drop shot is followed by Tsonga's 15th unforced error. Murray gets into the rally at 30-30 but muffs a backhand, prompting a cry of "AAAAAGH", and Tsonga's big first serve finishes the game.

"Foie gras and Irn Bru?" offers Adam Roberts.

Second set: Murray* 6-3, 2-2 Tsonga (*denotes server)
Tsonga hasn't put nearly enough pressure on the Murray serve, with just those two break points in the fifth game of the first set. There's no pressure at all in that game: Murray holds to love in 69 seconds, including two consecutive aces.

"With regards to Kylie, keep your eyes on the tennis. She's no better than she ought to be that one. Love, Mother." Says David Weston.

Second set: Murray 6-3, 3-2 Tsonga* (*denotes server) Murray has a sniff when Tsonga double faults to make it 0-30. He follows that with an ace, which barely tickles the line, but another majestic crosscourt forehand from Murray forces the advancing Tsonga to net his half volley. Two break points for Murray. What a chance for Murray. Tsonga saves them both, the second with a last-gasp leave to allow Murray's crosscourt backhand to drift wide. A thrilling backhand return from Murray brings another break point. Tsonga's first serve is long, which means trouble for him – and he welts another forehand wide off the second serve. Murray breaks for the second time in the match. It might be all he needs for a two-set lead.

"Why is Mr Janes talking about stereotypical so-called Scottish delicacies when Murray is (still) British," says Simon Lewis. "I read somewhere that if he reaches the final, Murray will be the first British person born in Scotland to be involved on the last day of the championships since 1314."

Second set: Murray* 6-3, 4-2 Tsonga (*denotes server) Murray holds to love again. Tsonga can't get near his serve, and has lost the last 11 points on it. You know when things are going a bit too well? We are at that stage. This is almost dreamy from Murray. Many sportsmen like to visualise before their matches. I doubt even Andy Murray's chipper alter ego could have visualised it going any better than this.

Second set: Murray 6-3, 4-3 Tsonga* (*denotes server) Tsonga wins his first game in four, holding to 30 and finishing the game with a textbook big of serve y volley.

"We don't say 'Everest Mount' so why is it 'Murray Mount'?" says Valentina Montagnani. "It's 'Mount Murray' people! Anyway, it's a mountain for Tsonga. I'd say he's currently facing something akin to the Everest South West side climbing route: tough but just achievable (15 successful attempts in history). But if he loses another set I'd say he's looking at the Eastern face: only ever climbed successfully twice." Isn't it just because it was Henman Hill, so they keep the same order. You wouldn't say Hill Solsbury. There is Hill Street Blues I suppose. What?

Second set: Murray* 6-3, 5-3 Tsonga (*denotes server) Superstar watch: the camera leers at ... actually, I've no idea who this bloke is. Ah, Luke Donald. Tsonga unsuccessfully challenges a Murray serve which is approximately 0.0000000000000000000001 millimetres in, if that, and Murray yet again holds to love. He has won 15 straight points on his serve. Kneejerk poetry has been written about less.

Second set: Murray 6-3, 5-4 Tsonga* (*denotes server) "It gets better and better" says the fella who isn't McEnroe on the BBC when Murray cleaves a backhand return to make it 15-30. Two excellent pieces of serve-and-volley from Tsonga are followed by another yorker-length backhand from Murray that takes us to deuce. Tsonga extricates himself classily to take the next points. Murray will serve for the set.

Murray wins the second set and leads 6-3, 6-4 Tsonga has called for the trainer. He needs a breather as much as anything. He finally wins a point on the Murray serve at 30-0, moving Murray round the court as if he was controlling him on the PlayStation, but a poor return on the second serve gives Murray two set points. To go 2-0 up. In a Wimbledon semi-final. He needs only one, with Tsonga hitting a sliced backhand long. Murray leads 6-3, 6-4. This is all going crazily well. What's the catch? When's it going to start going wrong? Who's Keyser Soze?

"Aren't your asterisks the wrong way round?" says Gavin Bullock. "It looks like Murray has been broken to go down 2:1 in the second set. You almost gave me a heart attack!" See, I don't think it looks right either way. I think you should have the score and then, in brackets (one break up/two breaks/with serve). But I know nothing about tennis/THEY MADE ME DO IT.

The IBM SlamTracker has just whispered in my lughole that Murray won 94 per cent of points on his first serve in that set. Tsonga won only two points on the Murray serve in the whole set; Murray won 16.

Third set: Murray 6-3, 6-4, 0-1 Tsonga* (*denotes server) Tsonga holds to 15. Fact, end of. "I like that moments of ill fortune produce a rueful chuckle from Tsonga," says Marianka. "I bet he'd have been fun to have around on the Titanic." I bet James Corden would have been great on it too. Oh aye.

Third set: Murray* 6-3, 6-4, 0-2 Tsonga (*denotes server) A double fault is followed by a poor forehand leave Murray in trouble at 0-30. Another long forehand gives Tsonga three breaks points, having already won more points on Murray's serve in this set than he did in the second. He picks up a fourth point too, breaking to love when Murray tries to whip a forehand around the advancing Tsonga but curves it wide. Crikey.

Third set: Murray 6-3, 6-4, 0-3 Tsonga* (*denotes server) Tsonga, of course, came from two sets down to beat Federer in last year's quarter-final, and we have seen a billion times how one break of serve can tilt a match dramatically. Tsonga holds again, a little uncomfortably to deuce, and for the first time it feels like a contest.

Third set: Murray* 6-3, 6-4, 1-3 Tsonga (*denotes server)
The life of the mind, part 97843242345234523 in an ongoing series. In the second set, Tsonga won only two points on the Murray servee; he has started this set by winning six in a row to move to 0-30 in this game. A smash and a lazy backhand from Tsonga bring it back to 30-30. Murray has stopped getting his first serve in, however, and a loose backhand off the second serve gives Tsonga a break point for 4-0. "Murray has tightened up. This is the set, here," says John McEnroe. Again Murray misses his first serve, but Tsonga fails to capitalise on the second with a bit of an absent-minded slice. What a chance that was. Murray finally woofs down a big first serve and then holds after a longish rally. He needed that.

"I don't like the asterisk either way either," says Ian Kay. "If the note in brackets explaining the asterisk is right there, there's no need to have an asterisk. Just write: \'(serving next) Murray 6-3, 1-2 Tsonga" or
"Murray 6-3, 2-2 Tsonga (serving next)'." I can't! It's house style! I'm not passing the buck it was someone else's decision!

Third set: Murray 6-3, 6-4, 1-4 Tsonga* (*denotes server) A disgusting smash from Tsonga gives Murray a chance at 30-30, and he earns a break point with a routine down-the-line backhand past a static Tsonga. This has the feeling of a Big Moment. Tsonga's first serve is long, unsuccessfully challenged, but the second kicks nastily and is spooned long by Murray. Murray improvises brilliantly to return Tsonga's second serve with an almost vertical racket, and Tsonga slaps his forehand wide to give Murray a second break point. Tsonga saves it again with a couple of hyper-aggressive forehands; that was beautifully played, but then Murray stays in a long rally and eventually wins it to get another break point. A withering first serve takes care of that, with Murray challenging unsuccessfully. A stunning down-the-line backhand from Tsonga gives him advantage for the first time, and he holds with an ace. That was brilliant from Tsonga, probably a set-winning hold. The mood of this match has changed enormously in the last half hour.

Third set: Murray* 6-3, 6-4, 2-4 Tsonga (*denotes server) Murray needs a routine service game. Murray gets a routine service game. If only life was that simple, eh.

Third set: Murray 6-3, 6-4, 2-5 Tsonga* (*denotes server)
Tsonga is starting to get his groove back, and thunders down two aces at 15-15 and 30-30. A cheeky, counter-intuitive half-volley, sending the ball back whence it came as Murray advances, puts him 5-2 up.

"Rob," says Andrew Roberts, "is your name pronounced like WH Smiths or the rather more upper crust Smythe?" Depends how I feel on the day.

Third set: Murray* 6-3, 6-4, 3-5 Tsonga (*denotes server) A dubiously late challenge from Murray is successful on the first point. He's far from his best at the moment, but he holds easily enough to 15. Tsonga will serve for the set.

"Thanks for your commentary," says Charles Abbott. "No dish in this household!" You do realise it's on BBC1? You don't have to buy a dish for The One Show, either. I know. Oh, hang on, I've just realised not everyone lives in England. As you were.

Tsonga wins the third set 6-3; Murray leads 6-3, 6-4, 3-6 This is the bit where I pre-emptively type 'Tsonga wins the third set 6-3' in the browser in a pathetic attempt to make fate do its thing. At 15-15, Murray hammers a close-range forehand straight into Tsonga's foetus facilitator. Close your legs, gentlemen. He apologises immediately and then again as Tsonga gets down on his knees in some pain. "New balls please!" shouts one attention-seeking eejit wag in the crowd. Tsonga works back to 40-30 for his first set point, and a good first serve is enough, with Murray slamming it into the net. I told you it was going too well. The next break could even decide the match.

"Does Murray ever get a challenge even close to being right?" says Matt Dony. "He's the most hopeful man in the world." Stuart Broad.

Fourth set: Murray* 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 1-0 Tsonga (*denotes server) The Jaws music isn't quite playing but these are dangerous times for Murray. An iffy forehand from Murray makes it 30-30, but then Tsonga nets a poor backhand after a long rally. "'Moan!" shouts Murray. He's really under the pump now, though, and it's only Tsonga's propensity for unforced errors that is keeping him in this. Another errant backhand gives Murray the game, as the match enters its third hour. We could be here a while.

Fourth set: Murray 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 1-1 *Tsonga (*denotes server) Tsonga is really giving it some humpty. "Like a big bear waking from his slumber," says John McEnroe. "He was hibernating in the first two sets." He's mixing brutish forehandswith daft errors. Two of the latter let Murray back into the game at 40-30; one of the former enables Tsonga to hold.
"I see, moaning about being ignored, are you now?" says Amy Clements. "Well you can stop, as you've no doubt got a flurry of emails in return for your somewhat pitiful plea... I'm sat at home, on a day off, doing really really boring and tedious family paperwork. You're being paid to commentate on tennis, so you don't get any sympathy from me ;-)." And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those pesky emoticons.

Fourth set: Murray* 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 2-1 Tsonga (*denotes server) It was always going to be like this, wasn't it? And deep down you would have it no other way. No straight-sets victory please I'm British. He does have a much better service game there, however, holding to 15 and finished it off with a majestic crosscourt forehand. That's probably his best shot since the second set.

"Drop the polite asterix and get with the internet's in-your-face culture," says Valentine Montagnani. "A LOL in brackets after the name of the person who's managed to break the other's balls serve, I say. Murray (LOL) 4-3 Tsonga (L)."

Fourth set: Murray 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 3-1 *Tsonga (*denotes server) A double fault from Tsonga makes it 0-30, and then a sensational whipped forehand gives Murray two break points. He needs only one! Tsonga did amazingly well to get a brilliant return back over the net, but Murray had control of the point from that moment and Tsonga was long with his next stroke. Murray is three service games from the Wimbledon final. Who needs a drink?

"It's a sweltering one hundred degrees here!" says Clive Graham in Grimsb Annapolis. "Glad to be in the A/C following on. Gawd I hope he doesn't bottle it. Must be awful carrying the weight of millions of people's wishes on one's shoulders." I try not to think about it. I do my best and type as quickly as I can an- oh.

Fourth set: Murray* 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 3-2 Tsonga (*denotes server) A long rally at 15-15 is won by Tsonga, who hits a glorious, curving forehand pass on the run. Murray squeezes his eyes tight in frustration and then readies himself for the next serve. It's a beauty, prompting another cry of "'Moan!" That's probably as much to the crowd as himself. At 30-30, Tsonga comes up with an awkward crosscourt backhand that Murray leavces, thinking it's going wide. It isn't and Tsonga has a chance to break back straight away. Murray is under real pressure here – and he produces a brilliant ace! Ya dancer! Where will this game go from here? Tsonga controls a lovely rally at deuce, eventually winning with a supreme half-volley. Another break point for him, and he takes it on the second serve when Murray nets a backhand. BAH! Consecutive breaks of serve. Tsonga is not going away in a hurry, is he?

Fourth set: Murray 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 3-3* Tsonga (*denotes server) Sensational from Tsonga! Murray seems to have him where he wants him, about to go 0-30, but Tsonga comes up with a diving volley at the net and eventually wins the game with another murderous two-handed backhand. To thicken the plot, the clouds are gathering over Centre Court and the groundstaff are ready. In a sense a break to put the roof on might help Murray, who at the moment is suffering death by a thousand forehands.

"I just wanted to remind everyone that Andy Murray is Scottish, and not English," writes Rab C Nesbitt Dave Rooney.

Fourth set: Murray* 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 4-3 Tsonga (*denotes server) If it goes to a fifth, you would probably fancy Tsonga, because of the narrative of the game and the way he is playing. Murray just needs to stick in this set for the time being, and he does with a comfortable hold to 15. I would humbly suggest that, if ever there was a time to break the Tsonga serve, now would be that time.

"I'm in Milan and about to go to the seaside so I will miss it," says Andy. "Have to see the result when I get to my destination :-(" Right, that's the last emoticon. Don't make me use adult language.

Fourth set: Murray 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 4-4* Tsonga (*denotes server) Murray fails to take two break points for a 5-3 lead! The game came to life when a dreadful forehand from Tsonga made it 0-30. He came up with an ace but then netted a volley to give Murray two break points. Tsonga saved the first with an indecently cool volley at the net; Murray slipped but he wasn't getting there. And then Tsonga came up with an even better shot to save the break point! Murray lobbed Tsonga, who ran back to the baseline, turned and slammed a magnificent forehand that the diving Murray could only send wide. What a shot! From there the momentum is with Tsonga and he takes the last two points with ease. That was an outrageous performance from Tsonga.

"What are the odds on a five-setter at the moment d'ya reckon?" says Amy Clements, mistaking me for someone who has a sollitary clue. "I'm reckoning he (Murray) could yet snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Oh, and does Valentine whatsit (not going to try and spell it) have the best name so far of today's emailers?" This is going to five sets. It has to be this way. It's an immutable law of British sport that torture must precede victory.

Fourth set: Murray* 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 5-4 Tsonga (*denotes server) After a long rally at 15-30, Tsonga produces a monstrous forehand. Two break points. It was always going to be like this. Murray saves the first break point when Tsonga's return is long. Murray successfully challenges a first serve that is called long, although he's frustrated that he doesn't get the point. It doesn't matter because Tsonga dances around the eventual second serve and blazes it long. Deuce. There isn't a dry nail in the house. Tsonga nets another forehand, at which point the camera cuts to Judy Murray gritting her teeth with ... what can you call it? It's not exactly joy is it? Anyway, advantage Murray – and game Murray when Tsonga spoons a forehand. The tension is unreal. Murray is simultaneously one game away from a Wimbledon final, and miles away.

Fourth set: Murray 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 5-5 *Tsonga (*denotes server) A ruthless hold from Tsonga, to 15, despite a dodgy call against him on the first point at 40-15. He looks the fresher player at the moment.

"Kuala Lumpur," says Sean Matthews. "The Royal Commonwealth Club. Great band tonight. But somehow there is a corner of some foreign field will be or ever Wimbledon. Or Scotland, or something. Is he going to lose?" Ssssshh.

Fourth set: Murray* 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 6-5 Tsonga (*denotes server) Murray looks weary. He double faults at 15-0 – only his second of the match – and then gives away another point with a poor forehand. We might just look back on this as the decisive game of the match. At 15-30 Tsonga can't control a good second serve from Murray; then, from another second serve, Tsonga belabours a forehand into the net. This has been one of the scruffiest games of the match, but Murray won't care: he wins it when another return from Tsonga goes long.

"When a tennis player is on match point," says Matt Storrow, "the umpire should shout 'FINISH HIM!' like in the style of the 1990s computer game Mortal Kombat." You took the words right out of my fingers.

ANDY MURRAY WINS 6-3, 6-4, 3-6, 7-5 Tsonga is serving to stay in the set. He nets a backhand at the start of the game. Three more points. Three points to get us over this long, hard day. Make that two points! Tsonga has spooned a forehand wide. From 0-30 he comes up with a stonking forehand. 15-30. And now 15-40! Murray's backhand is netted by Tsonga. He has two match points. And then he wins it on a challenge! What an astonishing way to win the game! Tsonga's first serve was smashed crosscourt by Murray, and nobody was quite sure whether it was in or out. It was called out, but half the stadium were celebrating. Murray thought it was in. The two players convened at the net, Tsonga with a smile on his face to the last. The replay showed it was just in. Thanks to a 21st-century piece of ball-tracking technology, Murray became the first British man to reach a Wimbledon final since 1938.

What a staggering finish. Talk about a moment in time! Murray looks emotionally spent, utterly exhausted. Ivan Lendl is smiling broadly. He raises his fingers to the sky, almost grimacing as he does so, with a few tears making a bid for freedom. Then he slumps back in his chair to take it all in. It'll take more than a few minutes to take this in. That was breathtaking stuff. He did it the hard way; of course he did it the hard way; but he did it. He bloody did it!

Is this the bit where we type 'Tennis? Bloody hell' That was exhilarating stuff, two matches for the price of one really. Murray was sensational for the first two sets – he can rarely have played better under such pressure – and just about held on in the fourth as Tsonga started hitting some huge forehands.

Murray is being interviewed on the gogglebox

BBC man: What must it be like for your parents?
Murray: I'm not really bothered. It's much tougher for me.

You have to love Andy Murray. We'll love him even more if he beats Roger Federer on Sunday. Today he knocked Bunny Austin off his perch; now he just needs to knock Fred Perry and Roger Federer off theirs. Thanks for your emails, night.

Wimbledon 2012Andy MurrayWimbledonTennisRob Smyth
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Football transfer rumours: Robin van Persie to Juventus?

Today's piffle is gonna get some records by the Status Quo

Don't shoot the poppycock-peddler, but today's rumours are a bit of a remix of those earlier in the week, with the same names and clubs involved. It won't be long before RVP Ennui is an official medical condition, as his transfer is shaping up to match the will-they-won't-they-MAKEITSTOP sagas of Patrick Vieira (2004) and Cesc Fábregas (2011).

Today's lukewarm gossip is that Robin van Persie will eschew a move to Manchester in favour of a one-way ticket to Turin, where he will nestle contentedly in the warm bosom of the Old Lady. Insert your own Wayne Rooney joke here.

Van Persie's imminent departure is bound to make Arsenal's other world-class players question their future. Quite what this has to do with Theo Walcott is anyone's guess, but tomorrow's chip paper reckons he is also tempted to leave the Emirates in pursuit of blind all- sorry, trophies. Chelsea have a vacancy for a sprinter with a negligible understanding of how football works, and are thus keen. They also have their peepers on Wigan Athletic's Victor Moses, having had an offer of 4p rejected earlier in the summer.

Arsenal will make up for Van Persie's departure by fixing those lovin' eyes on Robert Lewandowski, Stevan Jovetic and Cheik Tioté before eventually buying little-known players at half the price. Rennes's Tongo Doumbia fits the bill.

Manchester United are keen on Porto's João Moutinho, just as they were two or three days ago, but now they have reportedly made an official offer of Bébé, Anderson and a piece of headed paper with "I.O.U. £20m. Love, Malcy x" scrawled on it.

United will have to fight Tottenham Hotspur for Moutinho, and AVB is planning to further empurple Sir Alex Ferguson by stealing Ezekiel Fryers from United. He also wants Emmanuel Adebayor, Jack Butland, Hugo Lloris, Lassana Diarra and Frank Lampard's head on a stick.

One last bit of news: Brighton & Hove Albion want former footballer Wayne Bridge on loan for the season.

Robin van PersieRob Smyth
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Small Talk | Sarah Taylor: 'The last night on tour, that's our good night'

England's brilliant wicketkeeper-batsman on heels, tattoos, JD and being asked for ID

You're arguably the best keeper in women's cricket history, but you became a keeper by accident … I did. It was thanks to [team-mate] Laura Marsh's dad. I must have been 11 or 12 and I was playing a game in Sussex. The keeper just did not turn up, literally did not turn up, and he said: 'Could you fill in for the day?' I thought: 'Yeah, this looks like a bit of fun'.

Was it apparent you were good straight away or did you develop over time? It was more the case that I was OK in the field and then all of a sudden with the gloves on I was involved all the time. I love it, I love it, you're not taking the gloves off me!

You've been described as a genius. Do you feel like a genius? No! It's flattering, I guess. If they're talking about sport, I'll take it. If they're talking about real life, they don't know me at all!

What's the secret of the team's success? Our team spirit. We back any one of us, even No11, to get a hundred. We fight to the death for each other.

Can you build team spirit or do you have to get on naturally? I think you can build it. The management have helped the team a lot and they really buy into it. If there's an issue we get it sorted straight away. But it does help that we all get on so well. Women's cricket is a small community so you tend to get to know people and get on with them. And if there's any gossip you soon know about it!

You also seem to know how to celebrate properly? There's your team spirit! We pride ourselves that we work really hard, so we play hard as well. The last night on tour, that's our good night.

Do the team get the credit they deserve? Yeah, I think so. Over time we've had more coverage and more funding. I think that's due to everything we've done. If we continue it will hopefully get even better.

What's been your career highlight? As a team, definitely winning the World Cup in 2009. Personally my hundred at Lord's in 2008 and the partnership with Caroline Atkins [the two put on 268 for the first wicket against South Africa, still a world record]. Can't beat that at Lord's.

What would you rather win: the Ashes, the World Cup or the World T20? Putting one over on the Aussies is always great, but I think I'd take the World Cup.

You've been blogging for Sky Sports. How did that come about and how do you find it? I was just asked to do that and obviously said yes. I love doing it. I'm quite a sarcastic person so it can be quite hard to relay that on the page, but I really enjoy it.

You got a tattoo in New Zealand last year – are you going to end up like Jade Dernbach with tattoos all over your arms? Could you imagine? That'd be awful. No I'm not. That was a personal thing for me. I didn't believe anyone who said tattoos could be addictive, but I'm already planning another one.

You're an Arsenal fan … Gooner. Absolute Gooner.

Who's your favourite player? Well it was Fábregas till he left. I'm a big Wilshere fan, but it has to be the The Ox. Yeah, The Ox.

What was the last song or album you bought? Chris Brown – Don't Wake Me Up. The album was Carrie Underwood. You don't have to put that in …

What's your favourite film? Shawshank, definitely.

What was the last boxset you bought? It was [thinks] … seasons 1-11 of Family Guy.

How many pairs of shoes have you got? Proper shoes or trainers?

Proper shoes. Carrie Bradshaw shoes Too many. Around 25 pairs, I think. Too many heels.

Cheese or chocolate? [Quick as a flash] Chocolate! Every time. I'm a big Lindt fan. But a Viennesse truffle from Thorntons, that's my downfall.

What's your favourite tipple? Jack Daniels. Yep, whisky girl.

Do you get ID'd? I do. My baby face. Quite often actually. I'm taking it as a compliment.

Who's the most famous person in your mobile? I know him quite well so it doesn't really feel like he's famous: Matt Prior.

What have you got in your pockets? My iPhone and my headphones to listen to my iPhone.

Thanks for your time, Sarah No problem, Small Talk.

England women's cricket teamCricketRob Smyth
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The Spin | Is this the zenith of English cricket? | Rob Smyth

If England win the next three ODIs they will be No1 in the world in all three formats. Will we ever have it so good again?

Life, as Ferris Bueller said, moves pretty fast. "If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." It's time us English cricket fans stopped, looked around, and realised how unbelievably privileged we are. Whether this is the greatest England side of all is a different argument but it may well be be the case that no generation of England fans have ever had it so good. The Golden Age of cricket in general will always be Ranji and all that. But today, 3 July 2012, might just be the zenith of English cricket.

If England win the last three ODIs against Australia – entirely conceivable given their comfortable victories in the first two matches, even though the weather could play a part – they will become the first team in history to top the ICC rankings in three formats of the game. They hold the Ashes and the World Twenty20. England Women hold the World Cup and are playing cricket from the future. Is this really happening?

It's often the case in sport that, cliché though it is, you don't know what you've got till its gone. Since Andy Flower took over in 2009, England have won 85 international matches; that's only more than they managed in the whole of the 1980s and one fewer than in the 1990s. We should, to tweak Carlos Castaneda's advice, treat every victory like it's our last dance on earth. In all probability this will be as good as it gets. Australia could win one of the remaining ODIs, or even all three to take the series; South Africa may topple England from the top of the Test rankings later in the summer; and England's young side will have a serious job on to win the World Twenty20.

English cricket fans have seen some joyously unexpected things in the last decade, but you really know the world has gone doolally when they have a chance of being the best 50-over side in the world. They have been mired in mid-table mediocrity for almost all of the last two decades. The last time England were top of the retrospective ODI rankings was not, as you might expect, in 1992. In fact they were top for the last two months of 1995 – but that was by default, without playing, because the teams above them lost games. England then lost their next one-day series 6-1 in South Africa before embarrassing themselves at the World Cup. They dropped from No1 faster than a novelty pop song. By March 1996 England were eighth, their players having completed an heroic and selfless restoration of the natural order.

In truth, it doesn't feel like the current one-day side are quite ready to be the best in the world. They haven't been on – for want of a less reality TV-friendly word – the journey that the Test team took in reaching No1. They are a work in progress, and it was only nine months ago that they were being routed 5-0 in India. The side is certainly developing nicely, and the bowling attack is truly formidable. If you are only as good as your fifth bowler in one-day cricket, then England are a bloody good side. England have had some interesting change bowlers in one-day cricket down the years, including Andrew Strauss, Chris Tavare, Derek Randall, Allan Lamb, David Gower and Wayne Larkins, but now there is not even a hint of a weak link or a bowler the opposition can target.

England's batting is solid rather than spectacular, and the middle order is dangerously reliant on the genius of Eoin Morgan, now one of only two men in ODI history to score over 1,000 runs at No5 at an average above 50. Alastair Cook and Ian Bell continue to expand their games, however, and Ravi Bopara is tantalisingly close to his big breakthrough – even if his inability to get over the finishing line is fast becoming the most bizarre mental block in English cricket since Mark Ramprakash got stuck in the 20s time after time during his debut series against West Indies in 1991.

England have been aided by a surprisingly fragile Australia, who desperately miss the absent Mike Hussey. They looks a little like England's one-day teams of the past: eight or nine very good players and two or three unfathomable choices who bring very little to the table. The argument that England don't deserve to be No1 in the world is weakened when you realise that this excellent but not exceptional Australian side have been No1 for over three years. Maybe this is England's time after all. One thing's for sure: as England cricket fans, this is the time of our lives.

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England cricket teamCricketRob Smyth
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