Rob Smyth's Blog, page 202

England v South Africa - first ODI as it didn't happen | Rob Smyth and John Ashdown

Only 5.3 overs were possible at Cardiff before the match was abandoned with no result

Preamble Morning. If you had said, at the start of 2012, that a switch from Test cricket to ODIs would increase England's chances of victory, you'd have been the recipient of the kind of disdainful look usually reserved for those who suggest that the Sopranos clearly borrows a number of dramatic techniques from Doogie Howser MD and that only ignoramuses fail to appreciate that Jedward must be celebrated as the quintessence of the creative freedoms afforded by a postmodern society. Yet that's how things seem at the moment. In 2012 England have won three out of 11 Tests, and 10 out of 10 one-day internationals

Only five sides in history – none of them English – have ever had a better run in this form of the game. England are top off the ICC Rankings too, for the first time since 1995, although South Africa will usurp them for the second time in a week if they win today. (Unlike in the Test Championship, the rankings change after each game rather than each series.) The upcoming three-match T20 series will also determine who is top of the T20 Championship.

I don't know about you but I'm slightly No1ed out, and not just because of the continence issues. These days every England game seems to be conducted with one eye on the top of the bloody ICC Rankings. We've almost forgotten that winning matches and winning series are a joyous end in themselves. Being good was fun for a while, but we're in too deep now. There's too much stress. I want out.

The forecast in Cardiff is dreadful. Ah. Mind you, it's not raining yet.

South Africa have won the toss and will bowl first They include five of the XI from the final Test at Lord's; England have six. Stuart Broad have been rested for this series, so Chris Woakes makes his first appearance since last August. There's no room in the side for Jonny Bairstow, at least not yet. With no Andrew Strauss, the composer quota is filled by the South African debutant Dean Elgar.

England Cook (c), Bell, Trott, Bopara, Morgan, Kieswetter (wk), Bresnan, Woakes, Swann, Anderson, Finn.

South Africa Amla, Smith, Elgar, de Villiers (c/wk), Duminy, du Plessis, McLaren, Parnell, Peterson, M Morkel, Tsotsobe.

In a surprising development, the covers are on, and not for aesthetic purposes.

Something to talk about given that there is bugger all chance of a completed match today We haven't had enough misanthropy on the OBO of late, so let's address that with one simple recycled riff: what would you put in Room 101 and why?

10.36am The covers are still on. A woman in the crowd is hiding under a hoodie, reading Fifty Shades of Grey. What would Fred Trueman make of that?

Has anyone actually read that thing? Is the whole world apart from me now having great lovin' as a result? IS SOMETHING BRILLIANT HAPPENING?

10.40am "Re Room 101 entries," says John Collins. "Corporate sponsored sixes and trumpeting. Hell, while we're at it can we just put Ravi Shastri in there too?"

10.54am "I'd like to consign rain that falls in daylight hours between April and the end of September to Room 101," says Paul Frame. "Surely we can all agree that rain is great, but that it should only fall between 9pm and 6am during the summer?"

Agreed. This whole summer has been like one long John Cusack film. Which is a very good thing in theory, but not when you are being drenched every second of the day.

10.59am "Rolling back to 1995, when we ruled the world, check out this knock from Athers," says Elliot Carr-Barnsley. "It had a SIX in it! In today's cricketing world he would've been called boom-boom Athers. Well, it was rapid for him. A victory helped in no small part by what must have been a truly horrible innings from Carl Hooper."

That was a magnificent innings, in a series decider as well. I think he took 27 balls to get off the mark, with Ambrose and Bishop seaming it square on a wet pitch, and then went through the gears. I've got a feeling the six was over extra cover. Atherton was an underrated one-day opener.

11.05am Sky are showing highlights of the last ODI between these sides, a low-scoring thriller at the last World Cup. If you are very, very, very, very, very, very, very bored, here's the OBO of that game.

11.15am "Athers' six," says Douglas Campbell. "Hooked high onto Mound Stand?" You might be right, my memory is a little addled. Let me check the Guardian archive.

11.18am Douglas Campbell 1-0 Rob Smyth. The archive tells us that Atherton "pulled Bishop high over square leg for six, a shot reminiscent of the great Rob Smyth in his pomp".

11.20am "Room 101?" says Richard Hudson. "I'd put WH Smith's policy of always trying to flog me a bar of chocolate every time I go to the till..."

This is precisely the kind of petty gripe I would be happy to call my own. More of this kind of thing please!

11.23am "Please insert fifty shades of everything into room 101," says Phil Withall. "No that's not a euphemism, but the ability of sub-editors to use it in everything from politics to gardening to hair colour, great in-joke chaps. Thank you an' g'nite."

I love the smell of serotonin in the morning.

11.26am Cardiff, a few moments ago. The match needs to start by 3.32pm or we'll all be cordially invited to do one.

11.53am Here's Roger Sweetman. "Can you put the decision to drop KP to humour a captain who averages about 15 with the bat in the last series in Room 101?" No, but I'm quite tempted to put you in, and everyone else who disrespects the Strauss. Nobody disrespects the Strauss on my watch.

11.55am "I'd put people who swing their arms while they walk into Room 101," says Susan Perry. "It's not like it has a tangible effect on propulsion. Grrrr."

11.56am This is the best email so far, from Dave Pople. "When I'm paying for petrol by card, the assistant says 'If you'll enter your card'... then 'If you'll enter your number'... then I desperately try to remove it before she (usually a she) says 'if you'll take your card' – but she says it anyway. What does it even mean? Why make it conditional? I then say thank you and she says 'no problem'. It had better not be an effing problem. Blood boiling, I leave."

12.07pm Play will start at 12.45pm if there is no further rain. Play may not start at 12.45pm. If we do start then, the match will be 38 overs per side.

12.12pm Be honest: how many of you were whooshed when you first saw that A Touch of Cloth trailer. It does seem like a fair few people were whooshed. I blame KP.

12.17pm "When exactly did Andrew Strauss morph from universally admired, level headed, dignified and down to earth chap into petulant, spoilt, monarch child dismissing people from his presence because of his own jealousy & Machiavellian games," says Rory Taylor. "When we lost a couple of games perchance?" I blame KP.

12.40pm We won't be starting at 12.45pm.

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

12.42pm "Room 101," says Daniel Maxwell. "How about putting in telephone helpdesk people who, after satisfying the most simple query, and despite the finality of your closing tones, insist on asking 'Is there anything else I can help you with sir?'."

When they do that you should just hit them with a list of problems. "Well the cream the doctor gave me isn't really working. Also, I get a little lonely sometimes ... I have intimacy issues ... I cry myself to sleep most nights ..."

12.46pm "Swinging your arms while walking reduces the angular momentum generated by leg movement," says Matt Healey. "It makes walking more efficient, providing a tangible effect on ambulatory propulsion. Just thought you and/or Susan Perry should know." I knew it would be worth coming into work today.

12.50pm The latest plan is to start play at 1.15pm.

12.59pm Play is not going to start 1.15pm. It's raining again.

1.01pm This is great. THE SICK TRUTH ABOUT IT HELPDESK OPERATORS. "I'm at work on an IT helpdesk as we speak (well type) and the reason we ask if there's anything else we can help with is because we are told to do so by strict call specs set by the client we work for," says Miv. "Not doing so can lead to warnings & dismissals believe it or not. It's not like we actually give a monkeys about the caller or their problems, I'm currently typing this, listening to my iPod in one ear while listening to some poor sod whine about lost emails in the other. A chat about his personal problems would be a godsend rather than take the next call from some muppet who can't drag and drop. There I said it – I feel better."

I don't know about you, but in terms of disappointment this is right up there with finding out the truth and Santa, the tooth fairy and Leland Palmer.

1.13pm In case you missed it earlier in the week, this video of Bumble and Nasser having a go at umpiring is fantastic.

1.20pm "When Miv (1.01pm) says (s)he works at an IT help desk, do they mean that one that keeps calling me up to fix a problem they've discovered on my computer by guiding me through the downloading of not-at-all-suspicious software?" says Matt Dony. "They keep trying, but if anything, my computers got more problems than ever. AND my bank account seems empty. Strange..."

1.23pm This is a sensational discovery from my colleague James Dart. It seems YouTube has a Moodwall, whereby you can search videos by 'vibe'. Seriously. There are a number of vibes, including 'creative', 'powerful', 'epic' and 'gross'. 'Despairing for the future of humanity' is not yet an option, though.

Maybe we should offer a selection of vibe-based OBOs for each game.

1.26pm The umpires have inspected again, and play is (probably not) going to start at 1.45pm.

1.30pm Guess what? Yep. We have around two hours to start the game. Mystic Bob has just the slightest hunch it won't happen.

1.39pm "I see in sunny India, that New Zealand are 106 for five," says Steven Pye. "All five wickets have fallen to the spin of Ojha and Ashwin. Just as well that England play spin so well, otherwise I'd be worried about our forthcoming tour…..oh." That's going to be a laugh riot for those of us getting up at 4am, isn't it.

1.42pm Another cracking discovery from James Dart. Graham Thorpe's two international wickets, and Mike Atherton's two international wickets. There have some decent victims between them: Vengsarkar, Ganguly and Akram. And here's Alec Stewart celebrating bowling his one for the over. Ah and here's Marcus Trescothick's only Test wicket – when he came on first change against Pakistan.

1.50pm "I'm a loyal OBOer," says Martin Rands. "I've laughed and cried, raged and nodded my way through years of the thoughts of other OBOers ranging from the truly insightful through the mildly interesting to the, frankly, deranged. During that time I've despatched many of my own thoughts TO ABSOLUTELY NO AVAIL… What's going on here boys? Is it a conspiracy (unlikely), are all my thoughts unworthy of publication (certainly a possibility) or am I simply being gathered up by the OBO spammer? PLEASE allow this one the oxygen of publicity, if only to confirm that I've got the right email address." Security!

2.05pm "Rob, have you seen the scorecard over at Leicester?" says Andrew Hewitt. "Hampshire's last pair are halfway to what would have to be the greatest comeback in sporting history!" Crikey, look at this.

2.09pm The covers are still on.

2.10pm The covers are still on.

2.11pm See 2.10pm.

2.17pm "For all the Londoners out there, I would put into Room 101 people who walk down the escalator and then stop at the bottom just as it flattens out before stepping off," says Kat Wilson. "Where is the logic in this? Just because it no longer resembles a stair you stop walking?! It is SO annoying. It then causes a backlog for all the other angry impatient people (like myself) trying to shave a few precious seconds off their commute."

Hang on, I'm confused. Do they not have escalators up north or is this behavioural trait unique to London?

2.24pm "That Hants last wicket stand looks awesome," says Tom Savage. "Can you OBO that instead while we're waiting for play?"

It's a great idea, with only one slight problem – I can't be bothered It's not on TV anywhere. Anyway, rain has stopped play there too: 168 down, 127 to go. Who's getting Astle flashbacks?

2.28pm Play will possibly maybe probably not no chance start at 3pm. The match will be four balls per side.

2.29pm Okay, it'll be 24 overs per side, if they actually set foot on the pitch.

2.40pm "Balcombe's out," says Sam Blackledge. "You jiffed it."

It's okay, there's no need to head to Google translate. This is what he's talking about.

2.48pm GUESS WHAT'S HAPPENING IN CARDIFF? Yes, it is raining; yes, you are a genius; no, you don't win a hundred dollars.

2.50pm The covers are coming off now. This is one twisted hokey-cokey we're doing. I don't know what day it is. Beefy is currently inspecting the surface: live grass, damp, cold, blah blah. England should definitely bowl first if they win the toss.

2.53pm Play is going to start at 3pm. I swear, by the moon and the starts and the sky.

What a slow song that was. Best quarter-to-two song ever. End of and fact.

2.57pm Here come the players. I swear it! It's a modern miracle.

0.0 overs of 24: England 1-0 (Cook 0, Bell 0) They've gone off after one ball! One ball, done one. Only in cricket. Morne Morkel bowled a single ball – a leg-side wide – and then the umpires took the players off again. Apparently the rain is not especially heavy, so this sorry farce isn't over just yet there's still a chance we might get some play.

3.02pm "If this doesn't get an OBOer breakdown, then I'll eat my hat..." says Peter Harmer. There's no point losing it; it's impossible to top the original and best OBO meltdown.

3.03pm Oh, cricket.

3.04pm The covers are coming off for the 974132423423MAKEITSTOP123443242342309090909094235th time today

"How many balls do they need to bowl before they can deny the spectators a refund?" says Robin Hazlehurst. "Was that one delivery enough to say 'ok folks you've seen some cricket, hope you got your money's worth' or do they need a couple of overs at least?"

I don't think so. There was a shambles of this nature in 1992 but I'm sure they changed the policy after that.

3.06pm Play will start at 3.10pm, and it'll be 23 overs a side.

3.07pm Wibble.

3.09pm See 3.07pm.

1st over of 23: England 1-0 (Cook 0, Bell 0) Morne Morkel bowls a legitimate delivery to Alastair Cook, prompting huge cheers from a crowd who now have a great tale for the grandchildren. Yes, yes they really did see some play at the Swalec Stadium on 24 August 2012. It's a Twentythree23 game, which means an unusual role for Cook, Bell and Trott. Cook plays defensively for most of Morkel's first over, which brings no runs off the bat.

"Room 101? Pies without bottoms," says Jo Beasley. "Apart from fish based products, cottage or shepherds - pies should be surrounded in pastry. A bowl of thick stew with a measly lid is not a pie, it's know in my circle of (not at all sad) friends as a 'lie pie'." I wanna be in your gang.

2nd over of 23: England 2-0 (Cook 0, Bell 1) The left-arm seamer Lonwabo Tsotsobe, who is No1 in the ICC ODI bowling rankings, will start from the other end. The crouching Bell misses an attempted cut at a pretty wide delivery angled across him, and then he fiddles the first run off the bat from the tenth delivery. A great start from England, who are on course for a score of 23 for none from 23 overs.

"Being accosted on the pavement by grinning strangers with their clipboards and their charity signs, trying to get me to set up a direct debit, like it'll just be the best wheeze in the world," says Jonathan Wood who, in a reversal of the norm, likes to talk about the charity work he doesn't do. "I'm sorry, you're not half as interesting as you think you are, you're trying to stop me getting where I want to go, and I'm British so I really, really just want to be left alone."

3rd over of 23: England 4-0 (Cook 1, Bell 2) England are motoring now, and Bell takes a quick single to mid on to make the score 3-0 from 2.3 overs. Cook then takes a ridiculous single to mid off and would have been out by a mile had Parnell not whizzed his throw like an eejit, miles wide of the stumps at the bowler's end. "One of the great England Powerplays you're watching here..." says Andy Bull to my right. England's scoring rate is an epiphany-inducing 1.33 runs per over.

"The difficulty of buying 500ml bottles of water makes me irrationally angry," says Richard Mansell. "Unless one searches diligently all one can get are 750ml bottles, which have a real cost of only slightly more than the 500ml bottles, but are charged at a much higher price (thus their prevalence). The money doesn't annoy me, though – it's the difficulty of squeezing them into the tiny little elasticised pockets behind airline seats into which we have to cram our necessaries." Are you sure you're not in the Truman Show and the subject of a cunning scheme designed to make you lose it? I've never had a problem finding 500ml bottles, ever.

4th over of 23: England 16-0 (Cook 8, Bell 7) Cook pings Tsotsobe through the covers for the first boundary of the innings, and then slices three more past point. Bell continues a generation-defining over by drilling a lovely boundary over mid off. Twelve from the over.

"Murray's Meltdown was in 2003," says Andrew Goldsby. "9 years? 9 YEARS? OBO just made me feel old. Very very old." How did you think we feel? Look what 10 years of OBOing and MBMing did to Scott Murray.

5th over of 23: England 32-0 (Cook 9, Bell 22) What a storming shot from Ian Ronald Bell! He walks down the track to Morkel's first ball and pulls it sweetly over midwicket for six. That was a bit like John Davison in the 2003 World Cup, a sweet roundhouse blow over the ropes. He gets another six later in the over, and if anything this one was even better, a delicious on-the-run drive over long off. Sixteen from the last Powerplay over.

RAIN STOPS PLAY. 5.3 overs of 23: England 37-0 (Cook 10, Bell 26) Yep. It's hootering down, so that might be it for the day. They need to be back on by around 4pm. It's currently 3.32.08.

3.38pm It's not going to happen. Go home. Get out of here!

3.40pm "Room 101," says William Hardy. "People who don't start bagging their shopping until after they've paid. Exacerbated by then not having their money ready, as if surprised at being asked to pay."

Play has been abandoned It's all over! England have beaten South Africa by 37 runs! That's how this works, right? Ah. Okay, the match has been abandoned due to rain, so it's 0-0 with four matches to play. The second ODI is at Southampton on Tuesday afternoon. See you then.

South Africa in England 2012England cricket teamSouth Africa cricket teamCricketOver by over reportsRob Smyth
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The Spin | Is Andrew Strauss out of form or out of time? | Rob Smyth

Deciding when it's time for England to move on will be one of the toughest decisions of Strauss and Andy Flower's careers

Of the hundreds of enduring images of England's Ashes victory of 2010-11, one in particular has stuck in the Spin's mind. It was not the delirious sprinkler dance on the outfield, or Chris Tremlett taking the final wicket at Sydney. It was not Tim Bresnan taking the final wicket at Melbourne, Andrew Strauss lifting the urn, or even Graeme Swann hamming it up to camera for his video diary.

It came at Melbourne, a few moments after England had thrashed Australia to take a 2-1 lead and retain the Ashes; a brief but beautiful embrace between Strauss and Andy Flower that moistened the eyes. Strauss and Flower have given English cricket fans some of the happiest moments of their lives. They are two remarkably impressive men, 21st-century upgrades of Gary Cooper's strong, silent type. They calmly cleaned up one Kevin Pietersen mess in 2009, and have shown exceptional dignity in the face of another, even if a few lunatics think it is time for both of them to resign. Their success (and recent travails) have created a bond we would expect to last a lifetime. All of which makes their parting even harder to comprehend.

In an ideal world they will simultaneously come to the conclusion that it is time for Strauss to be replaced by Alastair Cook, but sport does not always provide such neat endings. What if Flower feels that Strauss's batting form is no longer sustainable? Flower is a disciple of eye contact but if he has to have that conversation with Strauss, even he might feel like focussing on the eyebrows rather than the eyes.

It's easy to say that there can be no sentiment in sport. Ultimately that is correct, but the blithe assumption that you do what needs to be done and move on ignores the depth of human relationships that are formed. Some great coaches, like Sir Alex Ferguson, seem comfortable channelling their inner Corleone, yet even he cannot relish the experience. Flower has shown his ruthless side before, most obviously with the culling of Paul Collingwood from the ODI and T20 sides last year, but telling Strauss his time is up would be on another level entirely.

That seems unlikely to happen just yet. The impression we get from both men is that Strauss should and will continue in India. Then comes New Zealand, where he has already played one career-saving innings four years ago. The back-to-back Ashes series in 2013-14 provide an ideal endpoint for Strauss; not least, because, tantalisingly, they could yet become a kind of Super Ashes in which both the urn and the mace are at stake. (That is not as ridiculous as it might sound in view of South Africa's current supremacy: if Australia win their next series, at home to South Africa, they will go top of the Test Championship.)

Strauss is still a fine leader – even if the antiquated five-slips brigade might argue otherwise – and, Pietersen aside, there is no sense whatsoever that he is in any danger of losing the dressing room. Yet however much most of us love him, it would define denial to ignore his batting form. He did make two centuries against West Indies earlier in the summer, but after a poor series against South Africa he is under pressure once again. Against sides in the top six of the Test Championship (a legitimate distinction in modern Test cricket given the problems of West Indies and New Zealand) Strauss has not made a century in 31 innings, going back to Brisbane 2010, and has two in 56 innings since becoming captain in 2009. (Five of Strauss's seven tons since becoming full-time captain have been against West Indies, who have not been in the top six since 2000.)

At one stage Strauss was the best in the world at converting a start. When he made 161 against Australia at Lord's in 2009, it was his 18th Test century to go with 14 fifties – a staggering conversion rate of 56%. Since then he has made three hundreds and 13 fifties, a poor conversation rate of 23%. If converting fifties into hundreds has been an issue, then Strauss's biggest recent problem has been converting starts into fifties. Since the beginning of the India series last summer he has been out 27 times, 13 of which have been in the no-man's land between 21 and 49. A similar thing happened to Graham Gooch in his last few months as a Test cricketer).

In many ways this is more alarming than a series of failures. Anybody can get a good one early on, but to frequently get to 20 and then get out hints at something more serious. There have been some troublingly ugly dismissals, too. We can probably ignore Strauss padding up to Vernon Philander on Sunday, an explicable brainfade at the end of the most traumatic two weeks of his career. But there have been others this year: a heave across the line at Saeed Ajmal on the first morning of the Pakistan series, a wild drag to midwicket off Rangana Herath in the second innings at Galle; and a tame surrender to Imran Tahir in the second innings at the Oval, when the challenge seem to weary rather than invigorate him. The saddest indictment is that, when the cricket world discussed the need for a centurion were England to chase down 346 to beat South Africa at Lord's, hardly anybody nominated Strauss as a candidate.

This is the problem for an ageing batsman and those who select him. How do you know whether he is out of form or whether he is out of time? It is truly one of cricket's toughest judgement calls. Many feel that, at 35, Strauss is finished as a Test batsman – a legitimate argument, even if the aggression with which it has sometimes been presented shows a diabolical lack of respect – and it is worth nothing that, while plenty of Test captains have scored plenty of runs after their 35th birthday, there are few precedents for a captain overturning a woeful run of form at such an age.

Australia's Mark Taylor was 32 when he overcame an even bigger slump in the mid-1990s. There is, however, an encouraging precedent within the England camp. Gooch was 36 in 1989, when he was tormented by Terry Alderman to such an extent that he asked to be left out of the team. He was not captain then, so the circumstances are not exactly the same, but was appointed as David Gower's replacement a few months later and went on to score runs in industrial quantities. In the next two years Gooch made more than 2,000 Test runs at an average of 72.

Steve Waugh is another example from which Strauss can draw strength. Waugh retired on his terms, with a farewell tour of Australia when they played India in 2003-04. The last England captain to go out triumphantly was Mike Brearley more than 30 years ago. It is the nature of sport that almost all captaincy careers end in failure. But the Spin desperately hopes Strauss has a happy ending, with the urn, the mace and one last tear-jerking embrace with Flower.

• This is an extract from the Spin, the Guardian's free weekly cricket email. To sign up, click here .

England cricket teamAndrew StraussCricketRob Smyth
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Pub side with British links face might of IFK Gothenburg in Sweden Cup

Langholmen FC, amateur footballers with British and Irish ex-pats at their heart, prepares to meet Sweden's top club

In the past week there has been much talk about football's inability to match the charm, humility and humanity of the Olympics. On Monday evening, in a corner of a foreign field, there will be an antidote to such concerns.

Langholmen FC, a fledgling, English-speaking club with a number of British and Irish expats, will meet IFK Gothenburg in the last 64 of the Swedish Cup. This is the romance of the cup in excelsis, and a comparison between the two sides makes David look like a lively outsider when he met Goliath.

Gothenburg, founded in 1904, are the most successful club in Swedish history, with 18 championships and two Uefa Cups. Langholmen are only 10 years old and lie second from bottom of Division 4, the sixth tier of Swedish football. They have 10 teams above them in the league and a further 276 in the Swedish football pyramid.

"It's probably the equivalent of Manchester United playing a good county-level side, two levels below the Conference," says Andrew O'Sullivan, the left midfielder and press officer. Imagine Manchester United against Stocksbridge Park Steels or Hemel Hempstead Town in the FA Cup. Exactly. "We would have to have a miraculous performance, they would have to leave their minds behind in Gothenburg, and only then would there be any chance of us unsettling them. As a player, the original feeling of excitement has now changed into the slight fear of a 16-0 thrashing."

The Gothenburg squad includes Tobias Hysen, the son of the former Liverpool defender Glenn. His last match was for Sweden against Brazil on Wednesday. "A seamless transition of quality," says O'Sullivan.

Brazil almost certainly has more football players than Langholmen does people. It's a tiny island famous for two things: it was a prison island until 1975 – which is why Langholmen play in black-and-white stripes – and it has a Schnapps factory.

Langholmen's shirts are sponsored by Southside, "Stockholm's best and friendliest Irish pub". It's the team's unofficial clubhouse, with memorabilia adorning the walls. The pub staff store and wash the kit, while providing Chips of Victory – or Chips of Mediocrity – after each game. It seems fair to assume that ice baths and Gatorade chasers are not on offer.

The club started when a group of friends, mainly British and Irish, met for a regular Saturday morning kickaround on a gravel pitch. A few years later they set up a team and joined the Swedish football pyramid at the bottom in Division 8. Langholmen were promoted five times in the first seven years and even spent a season in the national, semi-professional Division 3. They now have six men's teams and two women's teams and are exploring the possibility of a youth scheme.

They usually play at Essinge IP (known as the Rock), a pitch in a residential area with a car park that has precisely seven spaces. For this match they have hired Grimsta IP, the home ground of the second-tier team IF Brommapojkarna.

"The logistics behind this game are such that we wouldn't be able to control security or fit enough people round the pitch," says O'Sullivan. Their usual attendance of around 50 is expected to rise to between 800 and 1,000. They tried for the Olympic Stadium but it was already booked. "Maybe," says O'Sullivan, "Bruce Springsteen is in town."

O'Sullivan works for a brand consultancy. There aren't any butchers, bakers or candlestick makers, but, in the best cup underdog tradition, the team come from all walks of life: there is a teacher, an accountant, an IT project manager, a carpenter, a recruitment consultant, an IT programmer, a physiotherapist, a telecoms salesman, a subway driver and a bunch of students. The manager, Stuart Lascelles, runs a gym.

Most will work on the day of the game – and the morning after, too, even if it seems fair to suggest that productivity will not be at an all-time high as the events and the drinks of the previous night swirl round their heads.

Langholmen were entered into the Swedish Cup by virtue of making the final of last season's Stockholm Cup. Victories in the first two rounds took them into the last 64, the point at which the big sides join the draw. "We hoped for a big club but thought we'd probably get some team nobody had heard of," O'Sullivan says. "When it happened I was at work and got a text from one my team-mates, which said: 'Have you seen it?' I'd completely forgotten about the draw so I replied: 'Have I seen what? What are you on about? You're freaking me out.' Then all hell broke loose. It was pandemonium."

SVT, the Swedish equivalent of the BBC, have interviewed the team on a number of occasions. They were on the national news, and even trended on Twitter for a few hours last week. They have had shirts reprinted for the game with additional sponsorship, while a local Welsh and Irish butchers will put on a barbecue at the game.

"This is what we've been working towards for 10 years," says the chairman, Mats Gustavsson. "We are ambitious, we set ourselves high standards, and in many ways this high-profile opportunity is a reflection of all the hard work put into the club by a dedicated band of members and supporters."

As such there will be an inevitable rush for souvenirs at the final whistle. "What is the general etiquette of shirt swapping at the end of a game these days?" O'Sullivan asks. "They won't want our shirts will they? But I quite fancy one of theirs …"

European club footballIFK GothenburgRob Smyth
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England v South Africa - live! Rob Bagchi and Rob Smyth

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Rob will be here from 10.30am BST with live commentary from the second day of play in the third Test at Lord's.

In the meantime, here's Vic Marks on Steve Finn's display on Thursday.

A strange day. There was some cricket to divert us, which was a massive relief for all after the buildup to this third Test was dominated by the Kevin Pietersen saga. And there was relief for Andrew Strauss as well. In times of trouble there is one haven for cricketers: out in the middle. The hordes of pressmen, photographers and cameramen are not allowed there. Not yet, anyway. Test cricketers have yet to be miked up, which must be considered a blessing.

It went well for the England captain at the start of his 100th Test. First there was that ticklish selectorial difficulty. No, not that one. Should he go for Steve Finn or Tim Bresnan or even Graham Onions (who later in the day would have some fun at Trent Bridge. He took 9-67 and ran the other Nottinghamshire batsman out).

Then there was the toss. Captains rarely admit this, but as the coin was in the air, Strauss may well have been silently pleading: "Call right Smithy, please call right." The South African captain obliged and did the obvious – he batted, hopeful that he might be able to polish off the series within two days by keeping England in the field for that time. Strauss probably wanted to field first but perversely he may not have wanted to insert the opposition. Strauss opted for Finn and his beanpole Middlesex colleague had three wickets in the bag by lunchtime.

For the full story, click here.

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The Spin | Remembering England's fairytale victory over West Indies in 1991

Two decades ago England went into the final Test needing a win to square the series. The result was a feelgood Test for the ages

"You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that do ya, on a weekday?"

"Is this a … what day is this?"

Jeffrey Lebowski didn't know what day it was. The Spin often knows the feeling. At the moment we're not sure what year it is. The state of English cricket leading up to Thursday's Test against South Africa is part 2012, part 1990s. If the Kevin Pietersen business is emphatically of its time, involving social networking and the confused entitlement of modern society, then the more important element of this week – England's need to win the final Test to square the series – feels like a throwback to the previous generation.

It actually didn't happen as often as you might think, yet it's still evocative of those late 20th century days. England in disarray going into the final Test, the selectors making multiple changes and being slaughtered for the aesthetic vandalism of omitting Jack Russell and/or the specialist spinner. The most obvious reference point is 1994, against South Africa, but we covered that a few weeks ago, and although we were tempted to reprint the whole thing and hope nobody noticed, we've always wanted to bask in the victory over West Indies in 1991, one of the most life-affirming Test matches of modern times. There were no tweets, no texts, no YouTube interviews and no parody accounts – even if Ian Botham did take the proverbial with his Beefy's Own comeback.

Happiness may be a cigar called Hamlet, finding a pencil or even a warm gun; it is also the memory of those five days at the Oval in 1991. This was a magical match played in gorgeous sunshine that almost had a fairytale quality. England beat West Indies, still the undisputed world champions, by five wickets to secure an heroic 2-2 series draw. Younger readers may wonder what the fuss is about (a draw against West Indies? Whatever) but a drawn series was as joyously improbable as victory in the 2005 Ashes. England had lost seven series in a row against West Indies, going back to 1974. In this paper, Mike Selvey wrote that "for England and English cricket … [the draw] represents quite possibly the most stirring of post-war deeds and arguably the grandest of them all". Like 2005, the series ended on an unforgettably crazy Monday (we did think about calling it a manic Monday but, y'know). In the Times, Alan Lee said that "one of the great games in Test cricket history climaxed in a rare and precious sporting day".

For England, a happy ending seemed utterly improbable a week earlier. After starting the series with an immense victory at Headingley, when Graham Gooch made his astonishing 154 not out, they had been slowly brought to heel by West Indies, who won the third and fourth Tests to take a 2-1 lead. Now the Windies were coming to the Oval, their favourite English ground and the one most suited to their phalanx of fast bowlers. The bookies made England 5-1 before the match. OK, there was two 00s missing from Headingley 1981, when England were 500-1, but it was still not exactly a vote of confidence. England went for their 007, the all-action hero Botham, who had once been pitched as the next James Bond. Botham had not played Test cricket for two years but was part of a dramatic reinvention of the team that even the chairman of selectors Ted Dexter said was "high-risk".

That was a generous description. The selectors basically went rogue, ripping up the existing XI and taking myriad gambles in a bespoke team that never played together before or after. Out went Graeme Hick – who had been persecuted by Curtly Ambrose – Allan Lamb, Richard Illingworth, Jack Russell and the injured Derek Pringle. In came Botham, the fit again Robin Smith, Alec Stewart, Phil Tufnell and David 'Syd' Lawrence. Four of the five were significant risks. Even though Botham had panelled 161 against West Indies for Worcestershire earlier in the summer, his Test record against them was poor and nobody knew whether, at 35, he could still cut it at international level. Stewart had not kept wicket in first-class cricket for Surrey all summer. Tufnell had been ostracised after the previous winter's tour of Australia because of his inability to fit in with the new professional ethos of Gooch and Micky Stewart; and Lawrence, though genuinely fast, was inexperienced and erratic. All four would play vital roles in the match.

The Stewart selection was particularly controversial. At that stage he was a batsman who kept only in limited-overs cricket, but England wanted five bowlers and that meant a keeper who could bat in the top six. A Guardian leader called it "crazy" and said he had "demonstrated before that he isn't up to the job". In his Times piece ahead of the squad selection, Lee said "surely the idea is not even worth discussing". Even Gooch, whose idea it was, said "I don't like the principle, and I wouldn't say for a minute it wasn't a gamble." Stewart said he was "very pleased but surprised." Russell kept his own counsel. "The outrage of almost everyone in the game speaks eloquently enough for the wicketkeeper England have discarded on entirely spurious grounds," wrote Lee in the Times. He and others were more than happy to praise Stewart after an almost flawless performance. "The selectors … are to be congratulated," wrote Lee nine days later. "Stewart did both jobs commendably well."

Most of the build-up, inevitably, was dominated by another all-rounder, the returning Botham. He celebrated his recall by taking seven for 54 against Warwickshire on the Monday before the game, the best figures of his long County Championship career. "MR INCREDIBLE" roared the back page of the Express. It was pitched as Both v Viv, one last time: Botham's comeback and Viv Richards's farewell. With West Indies having no Tests scheduled for the next 15 months (in the end they played the newly reintegrated South Africa in April 1992), it was widely and correctly assumed that this would be the Test match farewell of three West Indian greats: Richards, Malcolm Marshall and Jeffrey Dujon.

The cricket-loving philanthropist Patrick Whittingdale arranged a pre-match dinner at which Fleet Street's finest paid tribute to Richards. Perhaps the greatest of them all, John Woodcock, said: "If I were to choose two players to watch between lunch and tea, of all those I have ever seen, I would want to watch Denis [Compton] and you – and I hope he would not run you out." Viv said he was a "bit moved" – akin to most men admitting they'd gone a big rubbery one – although he was not in the mood mood to get too sentimental. "You'd think," he said, "that Viv was dead or something." His old mate Beefy was certainly back. With his first ball in the nets he sent Smith's stumps flying. "If one did not know better," wrote Selvey in this paper, "one would say it was a set-up."

Botham spent most of the first day struggling with a virus. If his sense of smell was compromised, then the England's batsmen's was more acute than ever. And the only thing they could smell was leather. Presented with the first fast pitch of the summer after a series of slow seamers, the quartet of Ambrose, Marshall, Courtney Walsh and Patrick Patterson enjoyed themselves. There was another reason to pummel the pitch halfway down: it would be the West Indies' last Test before the introduction of a regulation limiting bowlers to one bouncer per over. One last blast of chin music for the road – and on the road, for the Oval was like a concrete slab.

For England to close on 231 for four was an outstanding effort. "England survived relatively intact against the most torrid three sessions they have experienced since they were steamrollered in Antigua 18 months ago," said Selvey in this paper. In the series, their scores had been 198, 252, 354, 300, 211, 188 and 255. They had been taking on the West Indies' pace quartet with just two and a half batsmen. Gooch and Smith were simply magnificent – "It would hardly be an exaggeration," wrote Scyld Berry in Wisden, "to say they both batted virtually as well as humanly possible" – while the 21-year-old Mark Ramprakash, in his debut series, showed plenty of moxie even if he kept getting stuck in the twenties. But Hick, Lamb and Mike Atherton made 242 runs at 10.52, while Hugh Morris had failed twice on his debut in the previous Test at Edgbaston.

When England won the toss and batted, Gooch and particularly Morris were subjected to a brutal working over. They somehow got through to lunch at 82 for none, and were even applauded off by some of the West Indian team for their performance. Morris, only 5ft 8in, showed almighty courage. "By lunchtime," wrote Woodcock in the Times, "Gooch knew he had found a kindred spirit." As they walked off Gooch put a paternal arm round his new opening partner.

After lunch, Ambrose moved things up a notch. He smashed Morris on the jaw, breaking his helmet in the process. It was the first of five bouncers in seven balls to Morris, the last of which brought his wicket. Morris's 44, made in 189 minutes, was worth plenty more. It was, said Lee, "an ordeal he is unlikely ever to forget". His wicket sparked a collapse of three for eight in 21 balls. Atherton went for a duck, fending a beast from Courtney Walsh to slip. "It would have ripped out his throat had he not got a glove there first," said Selvey. Gooch went to the magnificent Ambrose.

In the Times, Lee described that afternoon session as "two hours of purgatory", with only 23 overs bowled and barely an idea where the next run was coming from. In the Express, Colin Bateman said "the batsmen's sole intention was to leave the middle on two feet as opposed to a stretcher". But Smith, promoted to No4, and Ramprakash, calmly rebuilt the innings. At that stage Smith was one of the world's best – third in the official rankings behind Gooch and Richie Richardson – while Ramprakash seemed undeniably to be made of the right stuff. If you had pencilled him in for 5000 Test runs, the only query would have been why you set the bar so low. His temperament and technique under the most extreme pressure were revelatory. He batted over 15 hours in the series, even though he never got beyond 29, and each of his innings lasted at least an hour. His scores in the series were 27, 27, 24, 13, 21, 29, 25, 25 and 19.

When he was hit early in his innings, Ramprakash did not rub his body and stared straight back at Ambrose. When a nastier blow on the wrist precipitated treatment, Richie Benaud observed on the BBC that Ramprakash had "a ton of courage". He made a calm 25 from 78 balls before, the hard work done, falling tamely to Carl Hooper. It was another immensely promising innings, and Selvey wrote that "he had established himself as a batsman of undoubted Test-match temperament". This is the true sadness of Ramprakash's career: many unfulfilled talents look out of place in Test cricket at the start, like Hick, yet he could barely have had a more impressive debut series.

Or a more impressive partner in this innings. After a traumatic winter in Australia, Smith was in the form of his life. He resumed on 54 for the second day, and went on to make his second century of the series; his 109 was an innings of monumental mental strength and physical bravery. He had a badly injured finger on the right hand and was also suffering with a virus, yet nothing was going to curb his almost masochistic enthusiasm for facing the West Indian quicks. He took his blows, one on the glove and two in the stomach, and landed them too. The speed-of-light square cut was in full evidence, with two in two balls off Ambrose, and he also drove handsomely on the rare occasions the opportunity presented itself.

Smith reached 2,000 Test runs in what was only his 27th Test, and his performance in this match took his average to 52.58 – outrageous for that era (Andrew Jones, Javed Miandad and Mark Taylor were the only contemporary players with a higher average), especially because 20 of his 27 Tests had been against the world's best, West Indies and Australia. It's often said that South African-born batsmen have to work 10 times as hard to win affection in England, yet Smith would walk into an XI of England's most-loved cricketers. His magnificent performances against West Indies are one of the main reasons for that. "If a Test of a batsman's rating is reckoned to be how he fares against a latter-day West Indian attack, Robin Smith is just about at the top of the tree," wrote Woodcock in the Times. "No one counter-punches against them with the same resilience and aggressiveness."

Smith's hundred helped England to the holy grail of 400 – a total they had not reached in an amazing 66 innings against the West Indies. They had to beg, steal and borrow every run. There were 54 in extras, 39 of them no-balls, and their 419 took more than 150 overs. Stewart and Botham each made 31 – Botham's was a responsible effort that took over two hours – and Chris Lewis punched a superb 47 not out from No8.

At that stage Lewis seemed to be maturing beautifully – on the fourth day of the match he would bowl an outstanding spell of 15 overs for 16 either side of lunch, including seven overs for one run at one stage – and was a potential successor to Botham. Not that anyone could deny Botham the spotlight. The end to his innings, when he tried to hook Ambrose and staggered towards his own wicket, dislodging the bails as he unsuccessfully tried to hurdle the stumps, was the moment of the day. Not least because of the impact it had on Test Match Special, where it prompted the legendary 'leg over' commentary from Brian Johnston and Jonathan Agnew. It's an appropriately abiding memory of such a feelgood match. Twenty one years on, it remains instant serotonin.

After reaching 419, England began their search for 20 wickets with almost manic desperation. At slip, Botham became the first Englishman to wear sunglasses in a Test (a big deal at the time, believe it or not). Phil Simmons went early, but West Indies ended the second day on 90 for one after England put down both Desmond Haynes (off Botham's fourth ball; so nearly another who-writes-your-scripts moment) and Richardson with the score on 85. An eventful day also included a 10-minute delay while he groundstaff cleared paper from around the ground, which had been thrown like ticker tape during a Mexican wave. "One of the more brainless things you could ever see at a cricket match," said Benaud on the BBC.

It was nowhere near as brainless as what we saw the following day, when West Indies ushered themselves towards defeat with an absurd display against Phil Tufnell. "Somewhere in the history of Test cricket," wrote the BBC commentator Jack Bannister, "a team may have tossed away a near-unassailable position in a five-match series with as abject a batting display … but I doubt it." They were 158 for three when Tufnell came on for his first bowl of the day; in the next 63 balls they lost seven for 18, most to ridiculous slogs. Tufnell finished with figures of 14.3-3-25-6. His figures for the day were 5.3-2-4-6. The last six batsmen scored four between them.

Tufnell was a genuine matchwinner around that time, a Cockney with craft who flighted the ball and outwitted good batsmen. He took five-fors in his next two Tests as well. He bowled impressively here, too, but the West Indian batting was at best lamentable, at worst disgraceful. It started when the debutant Clayton Lambert (covering for the injured Gus Logie, only because a young Brian Lara was injured) slogged his first ball miles in the air. Richards, down the order because of a migraine, sliced a wild on-the-run drive and was beautifully caught by Stewart, and the tail continued to die by the long handle. Haynes was alone as the others jumped off a deck that wasn't even burning. He carried his bat for 75 not out, an innings of serene authority that put the pitch in the context.

The upshot of all these upward shots was that West Indies followed on against England for the first time in 22 years. This time they batted properly, downgrading their approach against Tufnell from demented swishing to calculated aggression. (Having taken six for 25 in the first innings, Tufnell ended up a sixth of the wickets for six times as many runs: one for 150, even though he actually bowled pretty well.) Botham picked up a couple of important wickets, and then Lawrence dismissed Haynes, who left the field for the first time in the match. West Indies closed day three on 152 for three, a deficit of 91.

At that stage, Test cricket on a Sunday was still an unusual occurrence. We might have expected a quiet, respectful start. Some chance. Hooper, his genius in full flow, hit three sixes in the first six overs of the day, two of them off Tufnell. But Tufnell kept his nerve, kept flighting the ball, and had Hooper caught on the drive at short extra cover for a lustrous 54. It was one of only three wickets England took all day; any tentative hope that victory might come easily soon disappeared. Richardson – who before the series was disparaged as somebody who could not bat in English conditions – made his second century in a row, a high-class 121 from 312 balls. It was a masterful display of how to judge and sometimes dictate the mood of a tense day's play. At times he was becalmed, especially in excellent duels with Lewis and Tufnell in the afternoon session, at others freewheeling. He raced from 85 to 99 in four deliveries from Lawrence.

And then there was Viv. He walked to the crease for his final Test innings needing 20 for a career average of 50. The parallels with Don Bradman 43 years earlier were obvious; in this paper, Selvey joked that he might be bowled for nought by an Atherton googly. Richards reached 20 with one of the few all-run fours of his career and played with furious determination. "He played the innings of a batsman pouring every last drop of experience, technique and willpower into a final effort, taking no risks, playing exclusively on merit and punching boundaries only when presented with an unequivocal case for dispatching the ball," wrote Selvey. "It was classical batting against fine bowling."

Having reached 50, Viv's temperature was rasied by the hustle and bristle of Lawrence. He was, as Frank Keating put it, "beginning to get on the great man's wick". Two disdainful boundaries were followed with a drag to Morris at mid-on. One of the greatest batting careers was over. Richards walked off to a standing ovation, cap pulled down over his eyes, the window to his soul kept shut. We will never know if there were tears at that moment, and it is right that it should be that way. There were certainly tears around the ground. "Cricket provides its moving moments," wrote Selve, "and this stung the eyes more than most." A banner on the Harleyford Road flats said simply: 'Thanks Viv, we'll miss you'.

We would miss the brilliant Dujon too, even if by now he was a fading force. Two years before the debut of Glenn McGrath, he became the first Test batsman to lose his Test wicket to a pigeon. He was unsettled by its seed-gathering presence at silly point, and stopped play to shoo it away. After a delay of 93 seconds, Dujon wafted absent-mindedly at the next ball and was caught behind. That was 311 for six, but when the players came off at 4.55pm West Indies had moved on to 356 for six, a lead of 113, For England fans, The Fear was making its presence known, even if excitement remained the principal emotion. In the Express on Monday morning, the first line of Bateman's report captured the mood. "Take a day's holiday, get a sick note, fake amnesia – whatever it takes, forget work and don't miss the cricket in SE11 today." By lunchtime the ground was full, with shiny happy people basking in a rare sporting occasion.

Phil DeFreitas completed a wonderful series (22 wickets at 20.77) by dismissing Marshall and Ambrose in the first over, and then Lawrence completed his first five-for for England with the wickets of Walsh and Richardson. England's target was 143. Any suggestion it might be easy was dispelled when Patterson gave Morris the definitive snorter. Three for one. Wickets fell with troubling regularity, but England – running with the mood of the day – rattled along at a crazy run rate. Ambrose and Patterson ended with one-day figures of 8-0-48-0 and 9-0-63-2. At 80 for four, with Gooch and Smith gone, England were in a bit of trouble. But Ramprakash, indecently calm again, took 27 minutes to get off the mark while Stewart counter-punched at the other end to make a rapid 38 not out.

They took England to within one run of victory when Richards threw the ball to the part-timer Lambert to finish the game. Absurdly he dismissed Ramprakash, but that allowed the dream ending. Botham strode to the wicket and pulled his first ball for four to Compton's Corner. "Compton's famous sweep for the Ashes triumph of 1953 had finished in the same spot," said Wisden, "and in many ways this match was just as memorable in Oval Test history." Botham may not have got his leg over but he had got England's leg over the line: it was his first ever Test win in 20 attempts against West Indies, and he had hit the winning runs in his first Test for two years. Who wrote his scripts? He did, of course.

If Botham had inevitably stolen the show, nobody doubted that the biggest hero was the captain. "GOOCHIE'S FINEST HOUR!" was the Daily Mirror headline the next day. His unimaginable excellence had driven England to such rare heights. A couple of years earlier, the chairman of selectors Dexter said Gooch had "the charisma of a wet fish". Now he called him "a very special guy". Gooch looked shattered, having given his soul and body all summer. As champagne was sprayed all around him, he sat nursing a cup of tea. Forget the run orgy of 1990; this was Gooch's summer.

West Indies were not too sad, despite their defeat. They retained the Wisden Trophy and remained unbeaten in a series since 1979-80. A match and series full of decency of dignity left little scope for regrets. Two decades on, the memories have added poignancy because of the fate of some of the players. Marshall, the greatest of all fast bowlers, would die aged 41 in 1999; Lawrence's career would effectively be ended by an horrific knee injury during the tour of New Zealand that winter. (If you want to see, or rather hear, the injury – although it is truly horrible and we don't recommend it – you can click here) Lawrence was one of a number of the England team who did not or were not allowed to fulfil the considerable promise they showed in the match or the series: Ramprakash, Morris, Lewis, Tufnell, DeFreitas, maybe even Smith.

At the time the future was not ours to see, and there was only a warm, fuzzy feeling. "It has been a wonderful summer," said Richards. "We go back with our heads held high. The series was played in a wonderful spirit of keenness and generosity, and as it's level, the only outright winner is this wonderful game, which we all love dearly." The tour manager Lance Gibbs said it was "the happiest and most sporting of tours I can remember", a status that was even more striking because it followed a nasty series between West Indies and Australia earlier that year.

Wisden concurred that the series was "staged in the best of spirit", as did the Guardian. "Of all the good things to come out of this series," wrote Selvey, "perhaps the most significant was the manner in which the contests were conducted, proving conclusively that to compete fiercely – and there is no more ferocious contest than that between batsman and mega-fast bowlers on a surge – it is not necessary to drag the game into the gutter." Instead, for five days in August 1991, it was elevated to the stars.

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England v South Africa - day four as it happened | Rob Smyth

The second Test seemed set for a draw after only 38.4 overs were bowled on a rain-affected fourth day

Preamble The Lord Mayor's Show is supposed to be followed by a donkey-cart. I'm not sure that will be the case at Headingley today. We might even get another Lord Mayor's Show, because Kevin Pietersen is still there on 149 not out. Even if he goes early, his magical innings has blown the match and the series wide open, and set up a thrilling day four. The draw is favourite – as much because of today's poor weather forecast as anything – but strange things have happened in the third innings since Test cricket underwent the change around the turn of the century.

Modern batsmen score at a match-winning pace but also, occasionally, a match-losing pace. There have been 38 Tests in which a side has batted first, scored over 400 yet still lost the game; 25 of those have occurred since 1998. Or, to put it another way, between 1877 and March 1998 it happened every 109 Tests; since then it has happened every 25 Tests. You might have a vague memory of a game at Adelaide in December 2006.

It also happened to South Africa against England at the Oval in 2003, and the fear of a repeat is compounded by the fitness of Graeme Smith and Alviro Petersen. Smith limped off last night with a knee problem and Petersen has a hamstring strain (Grade 1, since you asked). With runners no longer allowed in international cricket – a ridiculous decision – that is a major problem. You could have Vernon Philander batting at No6. Mind you, Smith has batted before with concussion and a broken hand. Not at the same time, but still, it takes a lot to keep him from the crease.

All that is in the future though, and England aren't immune from defeat either. They know from the experience of Johannesburg 2005 that there is a way for them to lose this game. On the fourth morning, all four results are possible. You can't ask for much more than that. But I'm going to: another three hours of KP please!

Good news/bad news Graeme Smith is going to field, even though he is not fully fit but Jacques Kallis has a back spasm, and won't take the field this morning. So South Africa's top six could be something like: Smith, Rudolph, Amla, de Villiers, Duminy, Philander.

If you only do one thing today, brush your teeth you scruffy git. But if you only do two, watch the highlights of KP's innings yesterday. For an hour either side of South Africa taking the second new ball he was as near to perfection as dammit.

WICKET! England 351-6 (Pietersen LBW b Morkel 149) Kevin Pietersen has gone to the second ball of the day! What a start! It was a fine delivery from Morne Morkel, full and angling in to hit Pietersen on the pads as he flicked across the line. Pietersen was absolutely plumb and did not even discuss a review with Matt Prior. He walks off to a standing ovation for one of the innings of his life. That, you don't need me to tell you, is a huge wicket for South Africa, who will now fancy their chances of a first-innings lead.

106th over: England 354-6 (Prior 22, Bresnan 1) "When on earth did the no runner rule come in?" says Ian Copestake. "That's part of the spirit of Christmas and cricket gone right there. Was the news buried during Kate and William's wedding?" They announced it on 27 June 2011 so that it would be lost in the worldwide fervour about WWE Raw.

107th over: England 359-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 26, Bresnan 2) Steyn draws a thick edge from Prior, all along the ground to backward point, and the next ball is driven classily through the covers for four. Prior is the key man now of course, and the good thing for England is that if he hangs around he will score quickly.

"Hi Rob, can you please describe KP's clip off his hips to deep midwicket off Steyn's bowling?" says Niall Mullen. "I don't think I've ever seen a shot quite like it. It may be my favourite sporting moment of the year (so long Pirlo)." There are gazillions of superior writers who could not do justice to that shot. The most amazing thing was how tender it was. Just look at it.

108th over: England 366-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 32, Bresnan 3) Prior slashes a short one from Morkel to third man for four. It was in the air but wide of gully. Prior has raced to 32 from 39 balls. In other news, for those who can't see the Channel 5 link of Pietersen's innings, try this.

"With the prospect of Smith batting further down the order today there's a bit of a parallel in Jo'burg 2005 with him coming in at No8?" says Dave Voss. "I've vague memories of him in the first innings (I think Hoggard knocked him off his feet with the ball that got him lbw) but can't recall why he was batting so low – any ideas?" That crackpot coach Ray Jennings hit him on the head during a fielding drill.

109th over: England 366-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 32, Bresnan 3) A maiden from Steyn to Bresnan. Bresnan has started his innings pretty watchfully, as is usually the case. He wants to be a proper batsman and he certainly attempts to construct his innings in an old-fashioned manner, unlike those around him. Prior, Broad and Swann usually look to attack from the start.

"I realise both you and Aggers have criticised the decision to outlaw runners yet I don't think it's unfair at all," says Charles Davies. "If a bowler had a grade 1 hamstring tear then he wouldn't be able to bowl, it's not like he can call on someone else to bowl. The team as a result suffers due to injury. Why should the rules change just because it's the batting side. Part of the batsman's role is to run between the wickets, if he can't do that because of injury then why should he be helped out?"

110th over: England 378-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 43, Bresnan 3) This is wonderful initiative-seizing stuff from Prior. He hits consecutive boundaries off Morkel with a majestic extra-cover drive and a flick to fine leg. He takes a sharp two later in the over after an inside-edge to long leg.

111th over: England 378-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 43, Bresnan 3) Bresnan continues to play Taylor to Prior's Pietersen, so it's a maiden from Steyn. "Interesting to see that the influence of the two Andies over their team is now so strong that the players are catching Strauss syndrome," says Robin Hazlehurst. "Getting out in the first over of the morning after being on a decent score overnight is the signature move of the skipper, and KP paid a tribute to it there."

112th over: England 381-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 46, Bresnan 3) Prior pings Morkel through midwicket for a couple more.
"Similarly stupefied by the no-runners rule," says Richard Mansell. "Do you know what the rationale for it was? Also, if anyone has seen my USB SD card reader, please let me know, as I seem to have mislaid it and have baby birthday party pictures to edit."

113th over: England 382-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 46, Bresnan 3) Message to Sky: please, please, please, please, please, please stop showing that bloody Aguero goal. Thanks. Now, this is an interesting move. Graeme Smith has brought on Imran Tahir for Dale Steyn. Tahir dismissed both of these batsmen at the Oval of course. He starts around the wicket to Prior, who defends carefully.

114th over: England 384-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 47, Bresnan 4) Prior misses a booming drive at a full ball from Morkel. "Aside from the fact that cricket will be losing something that is roughly or potentially equivalent in amusement value to an outfield player having to go goal, I'm all for the no-runner rule," says Chris Renwick. "If my understanding of the debate is any thing to go by (and it probably isn't), an important part of the argument was that, if you allow runners, you effectively aren't punished if a batsman is injured but are if a bowler is. Seems fair to me, unless you want to argue that you can replace an injured bowler with another bowler."

115th over: England 386-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 48, Bresnan 4) "Interesting psychology regarding that Aguero advert which is a reaction shot of the crowd," says Niall Mullen. "Like the shark in Jaws or the ear amputation in Reservoir Dogs the greatest horror is generated by the action happening off screen. Still having nightmares Rob?" I did actually have one. City were down to ten men and 3-0 down (though playing Bolton for some reason) before scoring four in injury time. Then I bumped into Graeme Swann. New subconscious please!

116th over: England 388-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 49, Bresnan 5) Vernon Philander comes on for Morne Morkel. Prior flicks a single to move to 49. It's a pretty quiet spell just now. Prior has 49 from 65 balls, Bresnan five from 31.

117th over: England 391-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 50, Bresnan 6) Prior taps Tahir for a single to reach another superb half century, from 66 balls and with seven fours. It's worth repeating the stat that only three wicketkeepers in Test history have a higher batting average: Andy Flower, Adam Gilchrist and Les Ames. He is a gem of a player.

"Rob, can't agree more with your exhortation for people to watch highlights of KP's astonishing innings of imperious brutality yesterday," writes my colleague Jason Deans. "Haven't been to many better days at a Test – Saturday at Edgbaston 2005 for non-stop, topsy-turvy drama, Sunday at Lord's in 2003 for two hours of exhilarating hitting by Freddie in a losing cause. But KP's is the best individual innings I've seen live – singlehandedly turning a Test on its head. He was definitely 'in the zone' in that session after tea – like he was on a different level to everyone else on the pitch. Taking on Morkel when he bowled that over of round the wicket Bodyline; flamingoing Kallis, on the walk, through midwicket; and the two second new ball overs when he took Steyn to the cleaners – hairs standing up on the back of the neck stuff. Never saw Viv Richards batting live, but I imagine when he was in the mood it looked similar."

118th over: England 393-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 51, Bresnan 6) "Speaking of adverts, can you have a word about that bloody Chanel advert which pops up every time I click to the Guardian's sports page?" says Steve Hudson. "It's like stepping in the same dog mess every morning for a week."

Fragrant dog mess though.

119th over: England 396-6 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 51, Bresnan 9) The Sky camera lingers on Bumble in the press box, chatting to our old friend Lawrence Booth. All around the country, bored housewives feel a special tingle. Tahir continues around the wicket to Bresnan; at the moment it's not far from stalemate between those two, although Bresnan does get three by clipping a wrong'un through midwicket.

WICKET! England 396-7 (Bresnan c Smith b Philander 9) Bresnan has gone. It was a familiar Headingley dismissal, a defensive fiddle at a good delivery from Philander that nipped away fractionally to take the edge and just carried to first slip. Graeme Smith crouched to take a good catch.

120th over: England 396-7 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 51, Broad 0) "I left a message in the G fearing that KP might be out to the third ball of the day," says Chloe Lin. "Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, which, being translated, means Oh shite, look what I done."

121st over: England 399-7 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 53, Broad 1) Prior reverse sweeps Tahir for a single.

122nd over: England 402-7 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 56, Broad 1) "Can you or anyone else explain why Matt Prior isn't in the one day team?" says John Bottomley. "I can't see one reason why Kieswetter is a better choice." Prior's one-day record isn't great for a player of his obvious class – just three fifties in 62 innings – and he has had a few different spells in the side. England never quite worked out his role; there's an argument that he's too orthodox to bat No6 or 7 in the ODI side. He has been in stunning form for Sussex this season, especially in T20s, so I reckon they'll give him one last go at some stage in the future.

WICKET! England 407-8 (Broad c sub (du Plessis) b Tahir 1) Another one gone. Broad skies a pull at a quicker ball from Tahir, and the substitute Faf du Plessis takes a superbly judged catch running back from midwicket.

123rd over: England 407-8 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 61, Anderson 0) It looks like we're going to have a one-innings shootout, just like at Sydney in 2003 and Johannesburg in 2005. What's going to happen this time? Nobody knows anything.

124th over: England 411-8 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 64, Anderson 0) Prior tucks Philander to leg and charges back for two. He is intimidatingly purposeful at the crease, inscrutable and businesslike. Nothing personal, Vern. So South Africa made 419 and England are 411 for eight. As Ben Hendy points out, we've been here before.

"I had to take a breather/subscribed to a chat and flirt website, just to cope with the loss of Pietersen," says Ian Copestake. "Did any of your other reader do anything they regret after Pietersen went?" I just started moaning and wailing dementedly in the office. Nobody noticed.

REVIEW! England 414-8 (Prior not out 66) Prior is hit on the full after missing a reverse sweep at Tahir, and South Africa are going to review this. This could well be out. Actually it didn't quite hit him on the full; it pitched just before hitting the pad. But it pitched fractionally outside leg stump, so Prior survives.

125th over: England 415-8 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 67, Anderson 0) Anderson is beaten by consecutive googlies from Tahir. Lovely bowling. "Am not sure that Prior is a great six-hitter, and I think the selectors have made a point of looking for batsmen lower down the order who can clear the ropes, like Kieswetter," says Chris Andrews. Yeah, if you're going to pick Prior it would ideally be as an opener so that he can pierce the field with his drives during the Powerplay but there's no room there at all.

126th over: England 420-8 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Prior 68, Anderson 4) Dale Steyn returns to the attack in an attempt to blow away the tail. Prior takes a single first ball, the Steve Waugh approach. Anderson is beaten by a good one and then steers an edge through third slip for four. Those runs put England in the lead.

"Yup, Mr Bottomley raises a valid question," says SB Tang. "The answer to which is: Prior is the latest example of that very rare species of naturally exuberant, fast-scoring batsmen who succeed at Test level but, mysteriously, haven't gotten the job done at ODI level despite being given a reasonably fair go by the selectors. Michael Slater is the other prominent example: 42 ODIs, an anaemic strike rate of 60.40, an average of 24.07 and no centuries." Michael Vaughan was another.

WICKET! England 420-9 (Prior c Steyn b Tahir 68) For the second consecutive innings Matt Prior falls while sweeping Imran Tahir. This time he top edged it towards fine leg, where Dale Steyn took a decent catch. It ends an outstanding innings from Prior, 68 from 89 balls.

WICKET! England 425 all out (Anderson b Tahir 8) These two might as well have a swing now. If they add some runs, great. If not, England have a nice 15-minute spell at South Africa before lunch. Anderson does that just that, reverse sweeping a no-ball for four. He falls next ball, with Tahir hurrying one straight through an attempted slog sweep. He has done a good clean-up job on the tail to end with three for 92. England lead by six runs and South Africa will have around four overs to survive before lunch.

INNINGS BREAK

1st over: South Africa 4-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 3, Smith 0) Graeme Smith walks out to bat with Jacques Rudolph, who is covering for the injured Alviro Petersen. It shouldn't be much of a problem for Rudolph, who has experience of opening in Tests. This is a big 15 minutes, with mardy clouds gathering over the ground. There's big swing for Jimmy Anderson right from the start, and Rudolph pushes an inducker nicely down the ground for three. Smith is then turned round by an outswinger pitched outside leg stump. These are good signs for England.

2nd over: South Africa 5-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 3, Smith 1) Smith pushes Broad for a single on the off side. His knee doesn't seem to be inhibiting him significantly. Rudolph is beaten later in the over, poking at a full delivery angled across him. "Am at work in Wakefield and the heavens have just opened," says Darryl Short. "Think it could be a long lunch break."

REVIEW! South Africa 5-0 (Smith not out 1) Anderson has a huge shout for LBW against Smith, who gets in a bit of a tangle while trying to muscle a straight ball through square leg. Rod Tucker says not out but England are going to review it. It's close enough, although I suspect this is going over the top. Indeed it is, so Smith survives and England are down to one review.

RAIN STOPS PLAY. 2.3 overs: South Africa 5-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 3, Smith 1) Smith is beaten by a peach from Anderson, who is proving again that he is the best swing bowler in the world. Sadly for England that's it for the session: the rain has arrived a couple of minutes before the scheduled lunch break, and the players are hurrying off. It's pretty grim and the players could be off for an hour or two.

LUNCH

It's not cricket, but this is fantastic.

1.16pm "Monster storm over Headingley," tweets the South African journalist Neil Manthorp. "No really, Monster. Like Jo'burg storm! Lightning and proper rain."

I'm off to score some Nurofen, then. See you in half an hour for an update.

1.31pm It's still pouring down. It's hard to see there being any play before at least 3pm.

1.35pm Ah, it's a lot brighter at Headingley now and the rain has stopped.

1.39pm "I hope you're feeling a bit better, Rob," says Danielle Tolson. "Would it cheer you up if they did KP's innings as a brick-by-brick?"

We talk a lot about the healing power of sport but that innings yesterday was the first time I've experienced the medicinal power of sport. For three hours I didn't know or care that I was sick as a dog.

1.43pm "It's lovely in Compo country, about 20 miles south-west of Headingley," says Sean Clayton. "Lawnmower weather, although I'm on an enforced pit-stop having just mown the power cable in two (and blown all the fuses in the house)..."

With a bit of luck we should still get 40-50 more overs today and then 98 tomorrow. That's a lot of cricket.

1.59pm "Why, if runners are not allowed anymore, can we have substitute fielders?" says John Tumbridge. "Surely the same logic applies. We often have to do this at under 12s level."

2.17pm The umpires are going to inspect at 2.35pm, with a view to restarting at around 3pm.

2.31pm "It stopped raining at 1:35, now it's 2:20 and glorious sunshine, but the umpires are not even inspecting for another 15 minutes and play is unlikely to begin until 3pm," says Matthew Tom. "Why are there such ridiculous delays in getting play restarted? Not only are the paying spectators being denied, there is already precious little time left for a result in this match." Presumably the outfield was too wet.

Great villains of our time: Keyser Soze, Gus Fring, Baron Greenback ... and now the great Guardian smoothie thief. Public service announcement: lock up your smoothies! For the second time in a fortnight I've had a smoothie lifted from the fridge on the second floor. I needed that vitamin hit. A sick man, put upon by a bounder with a love of fruit. A smoothie having his smoothies lifted. Isn't it ironic, don't ya think?

The strangest thing about this one is that I'd already drunk half of it. So it's not just a whodunnit, a whydunnit as well. Who is it? You know how the song goes: We seek him here, we seek him there, if I catch him nicking another Pret a Manger Vitamin Volcano Smoothie I'll shove that undeniably tasty mix of apple juice, squished banana and squished red berries right up hi- [that'll do – imaginary ed].

Right. Hello. Play is going to start at 2.55pm. Tea will be taken at 4.55pm, and play can go until 7.30pm with the extra half hour. There are, theoretically, 59.3 overs remaining. I'm just off to nick as much food as possible from the fridge; see you in a couple of minutes for the resumption.

3rd over: South Africa 5-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 3, Smith 1) In bright sunshine, Jmmy Anderson prepares to bowl the last three deliveries of his second over. Nothing happens. On Sky, Nasser reports that Jacques Kallis is apparently still at the team hotel, lying on his back.

"I can only think that someone who would steal your half-finished smoothie must be the sort for whom this is the closest they can get to a little bit of Bobbie Smyth mouth-to-mouth action," says Mac Millings. "Imagine what kind of a person that must be. Go on. Imagine." At this point, Millings, could you please assure me you are not in the country at the moment?

4th over: South Africa 9-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 7, Smith 1) A beauty from Broad takes the shoulder of Rudolph's bat and loops tantalisingly over the slips for four. That climbed from a length. Rudolph, trying to leave the next ball, inadvertently steers it on the bounce to slip off the face of the bat. That was a seriously good over from Broad, with a dash of inswing to the left-hander as well.

"Johannesburg 2005 was a great Test and I'm a South African," says Jurie Schoeman. "Incredible how the two worst bowlers in that Test were Steyn (who bowled no ball after no ball) and Andersen, who couldn't find the pitch at times. Also incredible innings from Tresco and Gibbs (twice)." Tresco's innings has been slightly forgotten because of the Hoggard brilliance that followed, but it was a staggering knock. Two periods in particular stood out: the counter-attack with Vaughan early on and then when he teed off on the final morning.

5th over: South Africa 10-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 7, Smith 2) Anderson angles one past Rudolph's outside edge to continue England's excellent start. A few nasty clouds are starting to converge again, so I'm not sure how long they'll be on the field.

"More sugar in a smoothie than a can of coke," says Harry Tuttle. "Alright, so you can't dissolve a coin in a smoothie, but think of the figure, Rob! Think of the lines! And maybe eat an apple."

6th over: South Africa 17-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 12, Smith 4) Broad finds Rudolph's edge once again; this time it falls just short of Cook at third slip. Later in the over Broad strays onto the pads and is worked wristily to the fine-leg boundary.

7th over: South Africa 17-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 12, Smith 4) A maiden from Anderson to Smith.

8th over: South Africa 18-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 13, Smith 4) Rudolph has a nibble at another good one from Broad. This is not an easy time to bat, and South Africa are concentrating almost exclusively on survival and singles.

9th over: South Africa 18-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 13, Smith 4) Anderson moves around the wicket to Rudolph, who defends the straight balls and leaves the wider ones. A maiden. Anderson has figures of 5-3-4-0.

"30 seconds of grubby love," writes Mac Millings. I would explain the context but I suspect it'll be better for your sanity if I don't.

10th over: South Africa 19-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 13, Smith 5) It's pretty gloomy at Headingley now, a lovely time to bowl. South Africa's ambition with the bat is pretty limited, as it has to be in such conditions.

11th over: South Africa 19-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 13, Smith 5) Smith's defence has been formidable so far. He's the one England really need to dismiss early on, so that South Africa start to think the unthinkable. A maiden from Anderson to Smith.

12th over: South Africa 23-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 17, Smith 5) The first attacking shot for a long while, with Rudolph's drive well stopped by the diving Finn at mid off. The scoreboard is going nowhere, although it's hard to be too critical of South Africa's approach in these circumstances. Broad finds Rudolph's edge again later in the over, with the ball falling just short of Bresnan at gully before going through him and away for four.

13th over: South Africa 24-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 17, Smith 6) Finn replaces Anderson (6-4-4-0) and starts pretty well, zipping a sharp bouncer past the snout of Rudolph. One from the over; South Africa lead by 18.

14th over: South Africa 29-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 17, Smith 11) Bresnan comes on for Broad. Smith gets his first boundary with a dangerous flick in the air and just wide of the diving Bell at leg gully.

15th over: South Africa 32-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 17, Smith 14) Rudolph survives a slightly optimistic LBW shout from Finn. No chance of England risking their final review on that; it almost certainly pitched outside leg. Replays confirm that was the case.

"Reflecting on the relative merits of coke and smoothies, presumably the latter wins out on account of its greater vitamin and mineral benefits," says David Wall. "And people seem to classify things as 'super-foods' purely on the basis of something being especially rich in a particular vitamin or mineral and not on its overall nutritional profile: after all, things like blueberries, etc are high in sugar, gram-for-gram. But does that mean that things such as frosties and coco-pops are also super-foods seeing as they're fortified to have high vitamin and mineral levels (and again despite being nutritionally poor in other respects)? And if that's the case why don't they fortify every kind of processed food so be comparable with accepted super-foods in terms of vitamins and minerals? Imagine it, Monster Munch and Pot Noodle that were good for your health and that you needn't feel ashamed of eating! I'll bet there'd be no fridge-thieves in that kind of Xanadu."

16th over: South Africa 39-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 21, Smith 17) A full, wide delivery is driven crisply through extra cover for four by Rudolph. There is still loads of time left in this match – 144 overs potentially – but you feel England need an early wicket or two, as much for the impact on South Africa as anything. The openers have had some luck, Rudolph in particular; they have also been admirably defiant.

RAIN STOPS PLAY. 17th over: South Africa 39-0 (trailed by 6 on first innings; Rudolph 21, Smith 17) Rain is going to stop play any minute now. The groundstaff are on their marks. Finn, as Mikey Holding points out, has been a touch too short so far in this innings. When he does pitch it up at the end of the over, Smith screws a stiff-wristed defensive push just short of the bowler. That'll be all for now, because the covers are coming on and it's pelting down. There surely won't be any more play before tea.

4.24pm It's still raining heavily at Headingley. This could well be it for the day, and for the chances of a positive result.

4.56pm This is the latest view from Headingley. It's not going to happen.

5.17pm Play has been abandoned for the day. The prospect of a fascinating one-innings dogfight has been drowned and it will take something Adelaidean for either side to win from here. I'm off for a glass of Olympic Spirit, the 42.4% ABV juice of choice. See you tomorrow morning.

South Africa in England 2012England cricket teamSouth Africa cricket teamCricketOver by over reportsRob Smyth
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England v South Africa – day two as it happened | Rob Smyth

Alviro Petersen's mighty 182 took South Africa to 419 before England closed day two on 48 for nought at Headingley

Preamble In life, it's not always easy to choose the path ahead. Do you rely on instinct, experience, precedent, or do you look at the
inspirational bracelet on your wrist and think: What Would Rick Astley Do?
For England, there are no such problems this morning. The precedent for what they need to do is fresh in the memory. They simply need to ape South Africa's performance on the second morning at The Oval by taking a bundle of wickets for not many runs.

As things stand South Africa are sitting less uncomfortably than England. They resume on 262 for five, with Alviro Petersen on 124 and Jacques Rudolph on one. The new ball is only seven overs old, so if England get an early wicket they will hope to roll them for under 300, although under 350 may be more realistic. If they do, they are back in the series. If they don't, our mood will be backwards.

Pre-play email "On TMS the weather forecaster has used the term' bubbling up' for clouds," says John Starbuck. "It must be the phrase du jour as he said it three times. No doubt it will be something else to get sick off before too long."

88th over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) Jimmy Anderson will bowl the first over to Alviro Petersen, whose first name brings to mind Elvira and the trick or treat episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. (Nip faux outrage in the bud department: clip contains grown-up language.) It's a quiet first over until the final delivery, which is a very full delivery that seams sharply past the edge. Beautifully bowled.

"Speaking of choosing the path ahead, your esteemed Guardian colleague Alison Flood linked to this bit of genius today," says Peter McLeod. "Unfortunately this has led me to picture Graeme Smith smirking and saying 'England, your adventure ends here' as he brings Dale Steyn on to bowl." On that subject, does anyone remember a late 1980s choose-your-own-adventure-style book – it may even have been written by our own Vic Marks – in which you got to play a one-day international and had to make decisions throughout the book. I have a vague reflection of running out Ian Botham for a duck and being dismissed myself next ball. For nought.

89th over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) The last time Jacques Rudolph batted in a Test in England was nine years ago, when he was memorably set up by Martin Bicknell at The Oval. He does well to jerk inside the line of a sharp bouncer from Stuart Broad, who, like Anderson, starts with a maiden.

90th over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) This has been a good start from England, accurate and purposeful, and Anderson makes it three consecutive maidens. "Five of us are attempting the National Three Peaks Challenge in support of Cancer Research UK this weekend but disaster struck in the early hours of Wednesday morning when our two designated drivers were headbutted outside a popular Leeds nightspot during a disagreement over a mixed tikka kebab," says Thuram Thugood. "So now we are attempting the challenge with only three drivers, all of whom are tackling the three peaks. Like the England cricket team, we are up against it, so any donations would be most appreciated. Follow us on Twitter. Please could you include this sponsorship request in today's OBO report. We are all guardian readers, have very few friends and are struggling to raise the donations required to make our pitiful existence worthwhile." You had me at mixed tikka kebab.

91st over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) It seems pleasant enough at Headingley, with the sun making its presence known, although there is a bit of swing nonetheless. Broad is trying to shape it back into Rudolph, who defends carefully and then ignores a bouncer. Four maidens in a row from England; excellent stuff.

"I remember Vic's book very well; it was called The Ultimate One-Day International," says Paul Roberts. "Running Beefy out was an unfortunate option, but there was a chance of scoring an unbeaten 70 (ish) if you chose wisely. Can't remember what happened after that: if it was like other popular choose your own adventure books of the time, I'd imagine Sir Ian would probably challenge you to a fight when you returned to the dressing room." Hopefully there would have been the option to hide behind Peter Willey.

REVIEW! South Africa 262-5 (Petersen not out 126) For the second time in the match, Alviro Petersen has an LBW decision overturned on review. It looked good live, as he whipped around his front pad at a ball angled in to him by Anderson and was given out by Steve Davis. Petersen immediately signalled that he thought it was going down the leg side. Replays showed it was sneaking down and also just bouncing over.

92nd over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) To compound Anderson's frustration, Petersen edges the next ball a fraction short of second slip and is then beaten by a lifter. Five maidens in a row for England, and a wicket that never was.

93rd over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) Broad ends yet another maiden – six in a row this morning – with a wonderful delivery that pitches on leg and middle and seams past Rudolph's defensive push. Rudolph has one from 24 balls.

94th over: South Africa 263-5 (Petersen 125, Rudolph 1) A run! Petersen pushes Anderson into the covers for a single off the 39th ball of the day. This is a full-on JFK moment. What next, a GB medal? That joke (sic) no longer applies but I'll be flogging it all Test, don't you worry.

95th over: South Africa 266-5 (Petersen 128, Rudolph 1) Petersen, pushing with firm hands, thick-edges Broad along the ground to third man for two. "Seems like you get to use the old minute-by-minute display, whereas the Olympics get the all new flashy version," says David Crowther. "Is cricket now officially the poor relation of the sports desk, or is it more a reflection of your particular levels of competency with compooters?" The two aren't mutually exclusive.

96th over: South Africa 270-5 (Petersen 132, Rudolph 1) The clouds have gathered at Headingley, and Anderson seams another wonderful delivery past Petersen's defensive push. He has been outstanding this morning. Saying which, the final ball is a short, wide delivery that Petersen slaps up and over the cordon for the first boundary of the day. Short stuff has been punished mercilessly in this Test, particularly by Petersen.

"I'm looking forward to a good day's play in a match that actually looks like a contest, but how many other people are?" says Ben Hendy. "Is the ground pretty busy or are there empty seats due to the Olympics? I'm going to be up in Yorkshire for a long weekend and am going to try to sway my partner into going along, if there are seats available…" It's about 90 per cent full today, apparently. No idea about tomorrow.

97th over: South Africa 279-5 (Petersen 136, Rudolph 6)
Rudolph rolls the wrists to flick a short one from Broad round the corner, and a misfield from the sliding Trott at fine leg gives him a boundary. When he drops short later in the over, Petersen launches an extravagant pull through midwicket for four. I'd love to see the strike rate in this innings for short, good length and full deliveries. The short stuff has been savaged.

"Thus far in this series, dropped catches have cost England 370 runs and counting ..." says SB Tang. "Brutal."

98th over: South Africa 279-5 (Petersen 136, Rudolph 6) England have started well, but then so have South Africa, with both batsmen having a simple plan: leave the wide balls, block the straight ones, welt the short stuff. A maiden from Anderson to Rudolph.

99th over: South Africa 280-5 (Petersen 137, Rudolph 6) Bresnan replaces Broad and beats Petersen with a good one, a shortish delivery from wider on the crease that swung past the edge. He goes past the outside edge two balls later as well. England haven't had much luck this morning. We've had 18 runs from 12 overs this morning. Somewhere at Headingley, a gentlemen in a panama hat is musing that this is proper Test cricket.

100th over: South Africa 280-5 (Petersen 137, Rudolph 6) Another over, another play-and-miss, with Petersen wafting at a shorter delivery from Anderson.

101st over: South Africa 284-5 (Petersen 138, Rudolph 9) Excuse me for a second, I'm just choking on some winter. Four from Bresnan's over including a back-foot drive for three from Rudolph.

102nd over: South Africa 294-5 (Petersen 148, Rudolph 9) Finn replaces Anderson, who bowled an extremely good spell of 7-5-5-0, and concedes twice as many runs in his first over as Anderson did in his entire spell. Petersen leans into a couple of pleasant drives, the first for two and the second for four. Ten from the over in total. There is still a bit of an issue with Finn's economy rate at Test level. He's going at 3.70 in his Test career and 4.00 in this match. Perhaps he mixes up his length a bit too much.

103rd over: South Africa 298-5 (Petersen 148, Rudolph 13) Rudolph throws the bat at a wide delivery from Bresnan that flies off the edge and wide of the diving Cook in around a fifth slip position before scuttling away for four. South Africa have had moments of fortune this morning but everybody knows that you can't leave home without Ms Fortune when you are to bat at Headingley, and for the most part they have played really well.

"Already too late for England in this match I fear," says James Brown. "Bowled well in good conditions this morning but the South African batsmen refuse to play poor shots and simply wait for the bad ball. They'll go on to 400 plus now. The English would do well to copy their example and sell their wickets dearly." Which is something they haven't done so well this year. South Africa are on top but there's no need to panic. You never really know what's going to happen at Headingley.

104th over: South Africa 299-5 (Petersen 149, Rudolph 13)
"It's jolly disappointing to see these South African chaps digging in and not playing their natural games," says Bruce Coker. "They've a lot to learn from the likes of our own KP about how to handle a testing first hour, with the bowlers on top and the ball doing all sorts. KP would never have let himself be dominated like this. He'd have damn well taken the attack to those blighters or perished in the attempt. Almost certainly the latter. Apologies, I seem to have woken up in a Gaumont newsreel."

105th over: South Africa 300-5 (Petersen 150, Rudolph 13) Petersen taps Bresnan for a single to reach the mighty milestone of 150 not out. That's a sensational performance in the context of the series, his failure at Lord's and also the location of this match. Headingley often brings inexperienced Test batsmen out in a cold sweat, but Petersen, though fortunate at times, has played with admirable serenity.

"Did Andy Flower deliberately organise this series during the Olympics so our demise would go unnoticed?" says Chris Healy. "What a coach if he did." Draw this game, win at Lord's. Next! Actually it's not inconceivable they could win here, even if it looks increasingly unlikely. A tough New Zealand side, put in by England on this ground in 2004, got over 400 in their first innings but were well beaten in the end.

106th over: South Africa 301-5 (Petersen 151, Rudolph 13) Rudolph, on the drive, is beaten by a beast from Finn, who is now concentrating on a pretty full length to the left-handed Rudolph. South Africa are content to bat time, an approach that has served them reasonably well in this series. "How are things going at the cricket?" says Derek Russell. "England still in with a shout of silver? Bet you've not heard that one before."

107th over: South Africa 303-5 (Petersen 152, Rudolph 14) In sport we often refer to the irresistible force vs the immovable object. This is the immovable object vs the immovable object, or bowling dry vs batting dry. Who knew all those years ago that Wet Wet Wet was actually a reference to Sir Ian Botham bowling to Kris Srikkanth?

"Surely you jest Rob – I don't think you could liken an NZ pace attack to what South Africa have bought with them... " says Phil Edwards of that 2004 match. No, clearly SA are a much better team, but it is possible in the modern game to lose after posting 400 (or, say, 551 FOR SIX DECLARED) in the first innings, even at Headingley. Of course it's much likelier that South Africa will get 400-450, England will reply with around 280-330 and eventually Graham Onions will survive the final over on the final day to secure a draw.

108th over: South Africa 303-5 (Petersen 152, Rudolph 14)
"Perhaps, instead of having a pop at a South African who has chosen to play for England (and performed exceedingly well for seven years), we should be having a pop at the bizarre EU laws which gave birth to the Kolpak system which, in turn, gave the two obstinate Saffas currently at the crease, a well-paid tutelage in how to occupy the crease on a dreary English morning?" says SB Tang. "I'm just saying." Yes, good point. Rudolph has four years of Headingley experience.

109th over: South Africa 312-5 (Petersen 161, Rudolph 14) Sir Beefy's got steam coming out of his lugholes. England have taken a third slip out for Petersen – who then glides consecutive deliveries from Bresnan through precisely that gap for four. Botham has walked out of the commentary box! I thought it was in mock disgust but he hasn't come back yet. Ah, that was the end of his stint anyway.

110th over: South Africa 318-5 (Petersen 162, Rudolph 18) Petersen was treated for cramp between overs. He has scored more runs (161) and faced more balls (337) than in any other Test innings. A slightly strange shot from Rudolph, who steers a short ball from Finn in the air but wide of gully and away for four. This has almost imperceptibly turned into a brilliant morning for South Africa, who are only 20 minutes away from lunch.

WICKET! South Africa 318-6 (Rudolph st Prior b Pietersen 19) The good news for England is that they have a wicket. The bad news is that it came from Kevin Pietersen spinning one a mile. Rudolph pushed a long way forward to defend a ball that pitched on off stump before roaring past the outside edge, and he was stumped smartly by Matt Prior. Rudolph's back foot was right on the line – Nasser Hussain thought there was too much doubt to give it out – but the third umpire Asad Rauf raised the finger or pressed the button or announced the verdict on Twitter or whatever he does. That was a very tight decision that could have gone either way. Pietersen strikes with his second ball of the match, Imran Tahir's lips are freshly moist, and Graeme Swann is cursing the ones that got away.

111th over: South Africa 322-6 (Petersen 162, Duminy 4) Duminy drives Pietersen down the ground for four to get off the mark. He's done his job; England should give Anderson a burst before lunch.

"Smyth," says Mac Millings. "It's not often I hark back to the old days, when men were men, and changing the pace of an innings meant going from pedestrian to glacial, but your 88th-over entry had me rummaging through the Room of Cherished Memories at my Mum's house. Once I'd got past her collection of sticks of rhubarb and oranges garnished with the signatures of her victims, I found a tattered old box, bursting with only-edition copies of the Vic Marks-penned gamebook series, 'Spin Your Own Adventure'. That page where you run Botham out for a duck was well thumbed, I can tell you. Geoffrey Boycott, OBE."

112th over: South Africa 323-6 (Petersen 163, Duminy 4)
"So," says Albert Freeman. "England's spinner takes a wicket in his first over. Sound familiar?"

113th over: South Africa 328-6 (Petersen 168, Duminy 4) KP continues, which is perhaps a surprising decision. Mind you, Nasser points out that Duminy averages only 26 against spin in Tests, and Swann had some fun with him back in 2009-10. Nothing doing in that over.

"Shane Warne has repeatedly referred to Swann as the number one spinner in the world," says Peter Robertson. "I took a look this morning and found he was actually fourth behind Rehman, Ajmal and Herath. Can't believe this is an accurate reflection of his ability and also the entire rankings seem to have colossally demoted the entire England attack after one shellacking." I'd put Ajmal top, with Swann second, although Rehman in particular looks a very good bowler. Herath is a solid and smart bowler, though nowhere near as good as England made him look.

114th over: South Africa 331-6 (Petersen 169, Duminy 6) If South Africa win this match it will probably turn out to be a career-defining performance from Petersen, who has 169 not out in a total of 331. Not quite 154 not out in a total of 252 against the four horseman of the apocalypso but still a performance for which not much praise is too high. Duminy survives an appeal for Finn for a catch at slip. England thought there was an inside edge onto the body but in fact the second noise was bat on flap of pad.

115th over: South Africa 336-6 (Petersen 170, Duminy 10) A digitally enchanced close-up on Sky shows that Rudolph was indeed out (although Asad Rauf didn't have that view). Duminy whips another full toss from Pietersen through midwicket for four. KP really does mix jaffas and filth. His third over is the final one of the morning session. England bowled well but it was again South Africa's session. Alviro Petersen is still there, having made an immense 170, and his side are in the handy position of 336 for six. See you in half an hour for the afternoon session.

LUNCH

116th over: South Africa 337-6 (Petersen 171, Duminy 10) Jimmy Anderson starts the session with a quiet over that brings just a single to Petersen. "Just out of interest – many emails today?" says James Galea. "We're lucky enough to have a television in our office and I'm not even daring to ask if we can have the cricket on instead of the assorted running and jumping." Hardly any. Poor, lonely Robbie. It's like being at school again.

117th over: South Africa 342-6 (Petersen 176, Duminy 10) Petersen late cuts Broad to the vacant third-man boundary for four; that was the shot that led to Sir Ian Botham stomping off earlier in the day. What's a par score on this pitch? Nasser Hussain reckons around 350. I'm not sure it's even that many. South Africa are in a seriously good position. But I do think it's dangerous to assume too much at Headingley.

"Is there any reason to think that Monty wouldn't have got wickets here?" says Tom Hopkins. "I remember him doing for Pakistan at Headingley a few years ago." Yeah his record here is decent, although there would be no real reason to pick him ahead of Swann.

118th over: South Africa 345-6 (Petersen 177, Duminy 12) There is a third man for Petersen now, so when he cuts Anderson in that direction he gets just a single. It's been a fairly quiet start to the session. Apologies for not typing much just now. Nothing is happening, for one, and my left hand is hurting a fair bit. The infamous OBOers' cramp. I think this might actually be the first time I've ever had it. Any suggestions for curing it?

119th over: South Africa 349-6 (Petersen 181, Duminy 12) Broad has an optimistic shout for LBW against Petersen. Too high. A short ball later in the over is pulled disdainfully for four. Petersen has been so good against the short ball, even if it is brainless to bowl it on this pitch. There's a burgeoning whiff of resignation about England. "Was just wondering how many times a Test batsman has made more than 170 and been on the losing side," says eternal optimist Chris Bartlett. "46 is the answer according to statsguru." And 45 of those were by Brian Lara.

120th over: South Africa 353-6 (Petersen 182, Duminy 14) Duminy tries to drive Anderson and is beaten by some late seam movement. Petersen is on course for the 14th double hundred by a South African opener. Only three have been in South Africa; this would be the fifth in England. And another one was in East London.

WICKET! South Africa 353-7 (Petersen c Prior b Broad 182) Glory be, Alviro Petersen is out. What next, a GB medal? He got a big edge through to Matt Prior as he tried to drive a good delivery from Stuart Broad and, although it was missed by the umpire Rod Tucker, the DRS system did its job. Petersen walks off with his head down. It shouldn't be, because he has played the innings of his life: 182 from 365 balls with 23 fours.

121st over: South Africa 353-7 (Duminy 14, Philander 0) Philander isn't a donkey with the bat. He has two first-class hundreds and an average of 25.

"Is it normal procedure for the Headingley crowd to boo a man when he's just played the innings of his life?" says Luke Smith. I think they were booing the original decision. Although, as Nasser Hussain and Mike Atherton have just pointed out on Sky, you can see why Rod Tucker gave it not out. There were two noises, with the bat hitting the pad and the ball almost simultaneously.

122nd over: South Africa 354-7 (Duminy 15, Philander 0)
"The cure for your cramp is a) more salt, monster Munch please!" says Simon Brereton. "And b) a cold can (though I'd appreciate it if you stay off the golden stuff until your shift ends)."

123rd over: South Africa 358-7 (Duminy 19, Philander 0) Duminy opens the face to steer Broad short of Strauss at first slip and then through him for four. "That Eng v WI scorecard," says Peter McLeod. "Heartbreaking: Ramprakash with a pair of 27s on debut: that was also his Test average." They were both worth about 80 as well. And there was those two stunning pieces of fielding in the space of ten minutes to dismiss Simmons and Hooper. A star was born, or so we thought.

124th over: South Africa 363-7 (Duminy 19, Philander 5) Philander gets off the mark with a boundary to – yep – third man. The crowd break into a spontaneous cheer. Either GB have won a medal or Lawrence Booth has been spotted walking round the boundary. Actually, it's neither. They're doing banter with Kevin Pietersen.

"On Peterson's dismissal: I've always thought batsmen should walk when they know they're out, though that's obviously not a view shared by everyone," says Chris Renwick. "Surely in the age of DRS there's an even stronger case for walking because, let's face it, it's (a) pretty clear to everyone you're trying it on when they can see you got a massive edge so you can only enhance your reputation for playing fair, even if you wouldn't be inclined to without it and (b) what's the chances of actually getting away with it?" I can understand why they do it because you do occasionally get away with it. I'm pretty sure Ian Bell and VVS Laxman have done so in the past 18 months.

125th over: South Africa 371-7 (Duminy 19, Philander 13) Broad. Short. Four. Broad. Full. Four. "Hi Cynthia!" writes Gala Coral with Informed Store. We are introducing the all new Galacasino.com�. and we have to say, you�ll be very impressed. We have a fantastic variety of games and slots, with millions of pounds to be won. With live dealers for blackjack, roulette and an excellent poker room, you can have the full interactive experience. With a number of playtech and non-playtech games, you know it�s quality."

126th over: South Africa 374-7 (Duminy 22, Philander 13) A lovely shot from Duminy, who drives the new bowler Bresnan square for three. James Taylor did outstandingly well to save the boundary. He'll be one not out when he comes to the crease. "Seems that the ball is still doing plenty – lots of edges flying through or wide of the slips," says Duncan Bonnett. "The commentators on our (poor man's version of) TMS reckon that the pitch is two paced and already showing variable bounce. What do the OBO mob (of one) think?" The OBO mob of one thinks it is not and never has been cowardly to pray for rain.

WICKET! South Africa 375-8 (Philander c Bresnan b Finn 13) Tall RFM replaces tall RFM, with Finn coming on for Broad – and the change brings a wicket when Philander pulls straight to Bresnan at deep midwicket. The catch itself was routine, although Bresnan did well to judge where he was in relation to the boundary rope.

127th over: South Africa 375-8 (Duminy 23, Morkel 0) IF SKY SHOW THAT EFFING AGUERO GOAL ONE MORE TIME DURING AN AD BREAK.

128th over: South Africa 381-8 (Duminy 24, Morkel 5) Morkel drives Bresnan nicely for four. Duminy may go into one-day mode now. He famously added 180 for the ninth wicket with Dale Steyn in Australia in 2008-09. If he adds 180 for the ninth wicket today you'll witness a fully fledged OBO meltdown.

"A suggestion for avoiding getting cramp in your hand – lay off the specialist literature in your lunch break," says Robin Hazlehurst. "Calling it 'the OBO cramp' is a wonderful euphemism." I will never stop leafing through Wisden in my lunch break. Never.

129th over: South Africa 390-8 (Duminy 33, Morkel 5) Duminy takes two boundaries off Finn with a late cut and a dragged pull through midwicket. And he keeps the strike with a single off the final ball. "When I was expecting my fourth and final offsprung," begins Sally Crooke, preferring the New Zealand spelling, "cramp in the night had me dancing like a contortionist around the bedroom. A banana eaten at bedtime did the trick..."

130th over: South Africa 395-8 (Duminy 34, Morkel 9) KP is back on for Bresnan. Morkel puts a poor delivery away very nicely to the point boundary.

131st over: South Africa 402-8 (Duminy 35, Morkel 15) Duminy Stevewaughs a single off Finn's first ball, giving Morkel the strike. He misses with a windy woof outside off stump and then slams a majestic pull for four to take South Africa past the magic 400 mark. It doesn't grant immunity from defeat any more, but it does give you access to the box seat.

"Lies, damn lies and statsguru (bet you've never had that one before...)" begins David Ferguson. "It's summer holiday season here in Paris so the office is practically deserted. I'm motivating my remaining French colleagues through the medium of Statsguru (it's not working, strangely). Test batsmen have reached 182 runs 452 times. Of those said batsman ended up on the losing side only 30 times. So England have a 6.6% chance of winning this. Worse, 2/3 of the time it's enough to help your team win at Headingley."

132nd over: South Africa 403-8 (Duminy 37, Morkel 15) Duminy survives biggish appeals off consecutive deliveries from Pietersen, one for LBW and one for a catch down the leg side. They weren't out, so England didn't review them.

133rd over: South Africa 404-8 (Duminy 37, Morkel 15) "I've never seen that effing Aguero goal," says Rory Taylor. "I'm aiming to keep it this way til I die. This is involving good reflexes with the remote." It keeps catching me unaware between overs while I type this nonsense. It gives me no pleasure at all to admit that it is, in context, a crazily accomplished goal.

134th over: South Africa 407-8 (Duminy 39, Morkel 16) I'm fed up.

135th over: South Africa 411-8 (Duminy 42, Morkel 17) Broad replaces Finn. South Africa plod on. They should declare at 411 for eight. Here's why.

136th over: South Africa 414-8 (Duminy 43, Morkel 19) You know what they say: lucky in love, unable to take ten South African wickets for love nor money. "Enjoying your biased and unfair OBO from down here in Bulawayo Zimbabwe," says Butholezwe Ncube. "COME JP get a ton."

Wicket. South Africa 414-9 (Morkel c Cook b Broad 19) Morkel clunks Broad straight to mid off to end a decent innings of 19 from 27 balls.

137th over: South Africa 414-9 (Duminy 43, Tahir 0) If a wicket falls in the next 17 hours few minutes we will have an early tea.

138th over: South Africa 415-9 (Duminy 44, Tahir 0) Anderson is back for Pietersen, who will finish with figures of 7-0-26-1. Duminy keeps strike with a single off the last ball.

139th over: South Africa 419-9 (Duminy 48, Tahir 0) Now Duminy does turn down a single, with the No11 Tahir at the crease. He might as well deal in boundaries, so he flashes Broad past the diving gully for four.

"Rob old spoon, you may think you are fed up but I am contemplating the same ghastly situation in the cricket as you, plus an email from a company that I left a month ago that they have just been sold, so had I quit a mere month later, I could have walked off with around £7000 in redundancy money," says Ben Dorning. "Therefore I am more fed up than you." Oof, that's some dumb luck. Hang on, why did they email you? To gloat? Here's what you could have won...

Wicket. South Africa 419 all out (Tahir c Cook b Anderson 0) For the first time in four Test innings, England have bowled South Africa out. What next, a GB medal? Tahir edges Anderson to second slip, so Duminy is left on 48 not out. That's a fine effort from South Africa and particularly Alviro Petersen, whose mighty 182 took his side to an imposing total of 419. They have almost certainly batted England out of the game – and, if the weather doesn't intervene, saving this game could prove very tricky. See you in 10 minutes for an extended evening session.

TEA

1st over: England 5-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 0, Cook 0) From memory, Andrew Strauss has a head-to-head average of 12.29 against Morne Morkel in Tests, so it's pretty clear who will take the first over. Morkel almost strikes first ball, too, with Strauss edging on the bounce to third slip. That's the start of an eventful first over. The second ball slips away for four leg byes, the fourth is an off-side wide and the sixth is a peach that swings past the edge. "What a mixed bag this is!" says Mike Atherton on Sky.

2nd over: England 6-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 0, Cook 0) There are still 39 overs to be bowled today. England's over rate was appalling in the afternoon session. Vernon Philander starts with a poor over: the first ball is a wide and the rest are wide enough that Cook doesn't have to play.

"Actually it was a friend who was also leaving who emailed me," says Ben Dorning (see the 139th over of SA's innings). "She managed to pull off the trick that I narrowly failed to do. And this friend's parents won the Canadian national lottery a couple of years ago, I might add. Bitter, moi?"

3rd over: England 8-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 1, Cook 0) This has been a scruffy start from South Africa. Morkel adds a no-ball to his wide in the previous over, and England are gettin' 'em in extras. Strauss gets the first run off the bat with a push to leg. His Morkelaverage zips up to 12.43.

4th over: England 13-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 5, Cook 0) Philander overcompensates with his line, allowing Strauss to flick a full delivery behind square leg for four. A no-ball continues South Africa's iffy start, although Philander's last delivery is a good one that beats Strauss's defensive stroke.

5th over: England 17-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 6, Cook 2) Extra, extra, read all about it: Morkel starts his third over with a wide, which makes it nine extras in a total of 14. By the end of the over it's nine in 17. His line and length are all over the place at the moment, and his pitch map is more Jackson Pollock than Shaun Pollock. It's a shame South Africa don't have a decent first change they can turn to, eh.

6th over: England 21-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 6, Cook 6) Dale Steyn is coming on for Vernon Philander, who will presumably change ends to replace Morne Morkel. He was regal in the second innings at The Oval and he starts pretty well here, with a good line and a bit of shape back into Cook. Cook works a pair of twos into the leg side.

"I can't believe Warnie's knocking Steve Waugh's strategy for batting with the tail, namely, trusting his partner's ability with the bat and not farming the strike," says SB Tang. "It worked. Tugga has a brilliant Test record batting with the tail — 44 partnerships of 50 or more for the sixth wicket or greater, including quite a few with a certain SK Warne. And, yup, I've excluded the partnerships where he was batting with a specialist batsman." It did work a lot of the time but he also lost that famous Test at Melbourne in 1998. And why didn't he add 350 with the tail here, eh? It all depends on the quality of the lower-order batsman. If you are with Warne and Reiffel, fine. If it's MacGill and McGrath, I'm not so sure.

7th over: England 23-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 7, Cook 7) Philander does change ends, as expected, and nips a lovely delivery past Strauss's edge. Two from the over to continue a relatively trouble-free start for England. The sun is out, which helps.

8th over: England 26-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 9, Cook 8) Strauss pushes Steyn pleasantly down the ground for two. Batting is so much easier at Headingley when the sun is shining.

9th over: England 27-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 9, Cook 9) An escape from Strauss, who fences a good delivery from Philander this far short of Smith at first slip. Strauss did well to soften his hands at the point of contact; otherwise he was gone.

10th over: England 31-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 9, Cook 13) Cook tickles Steyn to fine leg for four. This is all too serene for England. What's the catch? "I heard something on the Sky coverage earlier about how the ball only really swings at Headingly when there is cloud cover," says Martin Whitman. "Is this true? If so, is it a pressure issue?" It's not quite that extreme but, yep, it does so much more in the air when there is cloud cover. It sometimes seems to do more off the pitch when it's cloudy as well, which makes no sense at all. Nobody knows why. Swing will always be one of life's great mysteries, along with the opposite sex and belly-button fluff.

11st over: England 36-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 14, Cook 13) This is a gorgeous stroke from Strauss, an off drive for four off the bowling of Philander. That was straight outta 2004-05. "I see you've been accused of being biased and unfair," says Niall Mullen. "Has the football season started."

12nd over: England 40-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 18, Cook 13) Another beautiful drive from Strauss, this one almost straight down the ground off Steyn, races away for four. Those runs take him past Sir Len Hutton and up to eighth on the list of leading England runscorers in Tests. Steyn responds like the champion he is, going past the outside edge with consecutive deliveries.

"I'd always considered the enduring appeal of Noel Edmonds to be life's greatest mystery," says Tom Bonsell. Every cult needs a leader.

13rd over: England 47-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 20, Cook 19) Four to Cook, flashed in the air but safely wide of gully. Headingley is such a strange ground. At times batting can seem so comfortable, but then you can go from 292 for two to 320 all out. It's safe to say this is a unique venue.

"As an Australian, I am conflicted watching this series," says Martin Gillam. "Always good to see the Poms get a whacking, but using the recent ODI series as a form guide, it suggests that when the Saffers visit Australia soon they will win every Test by an innings. Can't find any comfort in the Olympics either. Think I'll just pretend for a while that I don't like sport."

14th over: England 47-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 19, Cook 19) Kallis replaces Steyn, who bowled an okay spell of 4-0-15-0. Kallis has an outstanding record here with the ball: 12 Test wickets at 18.91, including a matchwinning performance in a Pollockless side in 2003. As Nasser says, he bowls the requisite Headingley full length, and he demonstrates that again in that over with a good one that angles past Cook's defensive push. A maiden.

"Not only are the 11st and 12nd overs incorrectly digicised (it's a technical term) but there is a typo in cult leader," honks Ian Copestake. I blame OBOers' cramp and what feels like a burgeoning dose of flu. I'm not sick but I'm not well.

15th over: England 47-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 19, Cook 19) Morkel returns to the attack and bowls a much better over, with two good deliveries trampolining past Strauss's outside edge.

"Do emails like those of Butholezwe Ncube (over 136) annoy or amuse?" asks Adam Houlbrook. It usually depends on the size of the hangover. Obviously we all try to ignore abuse, but it can be deceptively difficult to tolerate it in the course of what is, after all, only a job. Perversely, it's normally the milder stuff that triggers the departure of a few pram toys; the death threats and pucky-mouthed stuff is usually pretty amusing. I might revise this entry if one of us actually gets killed, of course.

16th over: England 48-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 19, Cook 20) There's a bit of cloud cover now, and Lord Beefy reckons batting could be tricky for the next half hour or so. International teams have a huge backroom team these days; they should probably add a weatherman for the Headingley Tests.

"If you'll permit me to respond to your valid points (sixth over)," says SB Tang. "Even in that 1998 Boxing Day Test, Waugh's strategy worked with MacGill in our first innings, when they shared a ninth wicket partnership of 88 which got Australia to 340 and Waugh to his century. I never knew MacGilla could bat like that — the man had a gap between bat and pad which Eric Cartman could stroll through — and I don't reckon he did either. But therein lay the secret of both Waugh's captaincy and his strategy for batting with the tail: he backed and thereby empowered people, see, for example, exhibits Hayden, Langer and Martyn who were all supposed failures under the Taylor regime."

That's true about the first innings. I just think that, given the extreme pressure – two wickets left, ten or so to win – I'd have taken control of that particular situation and farmed it. From memory, I think he gave MacGill the strike off the first ball of the over and Gough finished the game before he could face another ball. That said, empowering the lower-order batsmen had a significant impact. Remember Hughes and Lawson cuffing England everywhere in 1989? And was he around for Fleming's 70-odd at Brisbane in 1998 as well? Overall the tactic was clearly a success. Matt Prior does it sometimes as well – albeit while playing more aggressively when on strike – and he's one of the best in the world at batting with the tail.

17th over: England 48-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 19, Cook 20) A maiden from Morkel to Strauss.

BAD LIGHT STOPS PLAY. 18th over: England 48-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 19, Cook 20) Strauss is beaten by a heavy ball from Kallis, angled across him from over the wicket. A maiden, after which the umpires start discussing the light before it to Strauss and Cook. They do what the man from Del Monte did, so off we go. It's not too bad, however, and I'm sure there will be more play today, barring an apocalypse.

"I see Chris Tavare Gayle's made a quick 7 from 51 balls in the Test," says Jeremy Shapiro. "Do we think he's fallen asleep at the crease?"

5.17pm "As you have let it be known that milder forms of abuse leave you rocking in the corner of your room," begins Ian Copestake, "expect some finely honed examples to come your way, you gauche excuse for a typist."a

5.20pm "Anyone wanting to get some insight into the mysteries of swing could do a lot worse than pick up the excellent Art and Science of Cricket by the late Bob Woolmer," says Phil Sawyer. "There are 12 pages alone devoted to how air flows over a moving ball and how this movement is affected by various factors such as seam position. My dad used to be an aeronautical engineer and he was mightily impressed by the scientific knowledge Woolmer displays."

5.35pm On Twitter, Mike Selvey reckons we need to start again by 6.10pm or that will be it for the day. It's raining as well now, if lightly. That might be it for the day.

5.41pm "Yes, I am out here, trying to work on my cash-in book about the Olympics," says Nick Lezard, "but ... well, there's a bloody TEST MATCH on, how can dancing horses or going round and round a track on a bicycle or doing lengths compete?"

5.47pm Play has been abandoned for the day. With a terrible forecast for the weekend, this match0 could be drifting towards a draw. Thanks for your emails. See you tomorrow.

You're still here? It's over. Go home. Go.

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8th over: England 26-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 9, Cook 8) Anyone out there?

8th over: England 26-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 9, Cook 8) Strauss pushes Steyn pleasantly down the ground for two. Batting is so much easier at Headingley when the sun is shining.

7th over: England 23-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 7, Cook 7) Philander does change ends, as expected, and nips a lovely delivery past Strauss's edge. Two from the over to continue a relatively trouble-free start for England. The sun is out, which helps.

6th over: England 21-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 6, Cook 6) Dale Steyn is coming on for Vernon Philander, who will presumably change ends to replace Morne Morkel. He was regal in the second innings at The Oval and he starts pretty well here, with a good line and a bit of shape back into Cook. Cook works a pair of twos into the leg side.

"I can't believe Warnie's knocking Steve Waugh's strategy for batting with the tail, namely, trusting his partner's ability with the bat and not farming the strike," says SB Tang. "It worked. Tugga has a brilliant Test record batting with the tail — 44 partnerships of 50 or more for the sixth wicket or greater, including quite a few with a certain SK Warne. And, yup, I've excluded the partnerships where he was batting with a specialist batsman." It did work a lot of the time but he also lost that famous Test at Melbourne in 1998. And why didn't he add 350 with the tail here, eh? It all depends on the quality of the lower-order batsman. If you are with Warne and Reiffel, fine. If it's MacGill and McGrath, I'm not so sure.

5th over: England 17-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 6, Cook 2) Extra, extra, read all about it: Morkel starts his third over with a wide, which makes it nine extras in a total of 14. By the end of the over it's nine in 17. His line and length are all over the place at the moment, and his pitch map is more Jackson Pollock than Shaun Pollock. It's a shame South Africa don't have a decent first change they can turn to, eh.

4th over: England 13-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 5, Cook 0) Philander overcompensates with his line, allowing Strauss to flick a full delivery behind square leg for four. A no-ball continues South Africa's iffy start, although Philander's last delivery is a good one that beats Strauss's defensive stroke.

3rd over: England 8-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 1, Cook 0) This has been a scruffy start from South Africa. Morkel adds a no-ball to his wide in the previous over, and England are gettin' 'em in extras. Strauss gets the first run off the bat with a push to leg. His Morkelaverage zips up to 12.43.

2nd over: England 6-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 0, Cook 0) There are still 39 overs to be bowled today. England's over rate was appalling in the afternoon session. Vernon Philander starts with a poor over: the first ball is a wide and the rest are wide enough that Cook doesn't have to play.

"Actually it was a friend who was also leaving who emailed me," says Ben Dorning (see the 139th over of SA's innings). "She managed to pull off the trick that I narrowly failed to do. And this friend's parents won the Canadian national lottery a couple of years ago, I might add. Bitter, moi?"

1st over: England 5-0 (in reply to South Africa's 419; Strauss 0, Cook 0) From memory, Andrew Strauss has a head-to-head average of 12.29 against Morne Morkel in Tests, so it's pretty clear who will take the first over. Morkel almost strikes first ball, too, with Strauss edging on the bounce to third slip. That's the start of an eventful first over. The second ball slips away for four leg byes, the fourth is an off-side wide and the sixth is a peach that swings past the edge. "What a mixed bag this is!" says Mike Atherton on Sky.

TEA

Wicket. South Africa 419 all out (Tahir c Cook b Anderson 0) For the first time in four Test innings, England have bowled South Africa out. What next, a GB medal? Tahir edges Anderson to second slip, so Duminy is left on 48 not out. That's a fine effort from South Africa and particularly Alviro Petersen, whose mighty 182 took his side to an imposing total of 419. They have almost certainly batted England out of the game – and, if the weather doesn't intervene, saving this game could prove very tricky. See you in 10 minutes for an extended evening session.

139th over: South Africa 419-9 (Duminy 48, Tahir 0) Now Duminy does turn down a single, with the No11 Tahir at the crease. He might as well deal in boundaries, so he flashes Broad past the diving gully for four.

"Rob old spoon, you may think you are fed up but I am contemplating the same ghastly situation in the cricket as you, plus an email from a company that I left a month ago that they have just been sold, so had I quit a mere month later, I could have walked off with around £7000 in redundancy money," says Ben Dorning. "Therefore I am more fed up than you." Oof, that's some dumb luck. Hang on, why did they email you? To gloat? Here's what you could have won...

138th over: South Africa 415-9 (Duminy 44, Tahir 0) Anderson is back for Pietersen, who will finish with figures of 7-0-26-1. Duminy keeps strike with a single off the last ball.

137th over: South Africa 414-9 (Duminy 43, Tahir 0) If a wicket falls in the next 17 hours few minutes we will have an early tea.

Wicket. South Africa 414-9 (Morkel c Cook b Broad 19) Morkel clunks Broad straight to mid off to end a decent innings of 19 from 27 balls.

136th over: South Africa 414-8 (Duminy 43, Morkel 19) You know what they say: lucky in love, unable to take ten South African wickets for love nor money. "Enjoying your biased and unfair OBO from down here in Bulawayo Zimbabwe," says Butholezwe Ncube. "COME JP get a ton."

135th over: South Africa 411-8 (Duminy 42, Morkel 17) Broad replaces Finn. South Africa plod on. They should declare at 411 for eight. Here's why.

134th over: South Africa 407-8 (Duminy 39, Morkel 16) I'm fed up.

133rd over: South Africa 404-8 (Duminy 37, Morkel 15) "I've never seen that effing Aguero goal," says Rory Taylor. "I'm aiming to keep it this way til I die. This is involving good reflexes with the remote." It keeps catching me unaware between overs while I type this nonsense. It gives me no pleasure at all to admit that it is, in context, a crazily accomplished goal.

132nd over: South Africa 403-8 (Duminy 37, Morkel 15) Duminy survives biggish appeals off consecutive deliveries from Pietersen, one for LBW and one for a catch down the leg side. They weren't out, so England didn't review them.

131st over: South Africa 402-8 (Duminy 35, Morkel 15) Duminy Stevewaughs a single off Finn's first ball, giving Morkel the strike. He misses with a windy woof outside off stump and then slams a majestic pull for four to take South Africa past the magic 400 mark. It doesn't grant immunity from defeat any more, but it does give you access to the box seat.

"Lies, damn lies and statsguru (bet you've never had that one before...)" begins David Ferguson. "It's summer holiday season here in Paris so the office is practically deserted. I'm motivating my remaining French colleagues through the medium of Statsguru (it's not working, strangely). Test batsmen have reached 182 runs 452 times. Of those said batsman ended up on the losing side only 30 times. So England have a 6.6% chance of winning this. Worse, 2/3 of the time it's enough to help your team win at Headingley."

130th over: South Africa 395-8 (Duminy 34, Morkel 9) KP is back on for Bresnan. Morkel puts a poor delivery away very nicely to the point boundary.

129th over: South Africa 390-8 (Duminy 33, Morkel 5) Duminy takes two boundaries off Finn with a late cut and a dragged pull through midwicket. And he keeps the strike with a single off the final ball. "When I was expecting my fourth and final offsprung," begins Sally Crooke, preferring the New Zealand spelling, "cramp in the night had me dancing like a contortionist around the bedroom. A banana eaten at bedtime did the trick..."

128th over: South Africa 381-8 (Duminy 24, Morkel 5) Morkel drives Bresnan nicely for four. Duminy may go into one-day mode now. He famously added 180 for the ninth wicket with Dale Steyn in Australia in 2008-09. If he adds 180 for the ninth wicket today you'll witness a fully fledged OBO meltdown.

"A suggestion for avoiding getting cramp in your hand – lay off the specialist literature in your lunch break," says Robin Hazlehurst. "Calling it 'the OBO cramp' is a wonderful euphemism." I will never stop leafing through Wisden in my lunch break. Never.

127th over: South Africa 375-8 (Duminy 23, Morkel 0) IF SKY SHOW THAT EFFING AGUERO GOAL ONE MORE TIME DURING AN AD BREAK.

WICKET! South Africa 375-8 (Philander c Bresnan b Finn 13) Tall RFM replaces tall RFM, with Finn coming on for Broad – and the change brings a wicket when Philander pulls straight to Bresnan at deep midwicket. The catch itself was routine, although Bresnan did well to judge where he was in relation to the boundary rope.

126th over: South Africa 374-7 (Duminy 22, Philander 13) A lovely shot from Duminy, who drives the new bowler Bresnan square for three. James Taylor did outstandingly well to save the boundary. He'll be one not out when he comes to the crease. "Seems that the ball is still doing plenty – lots of edges flying through or wide of the slips," says Duncan Bonnett. "The commentators on our (poor man's version of) TMS reckon that the pitch is two paced and already showing variable bounce. What do the OBO mob (of one) think?" The OBO mob of one thinks it is not and never has been cowardly to pray for rain.

125th over: South Africa 371-7 (Duminy 19, Philander 13) Broad. Short. Four. Broad. Full. Four. "Hi Cynthia!" writes Gala Coral with Informed Store. We are introducing the all new Galacasino.com�. and we have to say, you�ll be very impressed. We have a fantastic variety of games and slots, with millions of pounds to be won. With live dealers for blackjack, roulette and an excellent poker room, you can have the full interactive experience. With a number of playtech and non-playtech games, you know it�s quality."

124th over: South Africa 363-7 (Duminy 19, Philander 5) Philander gets off the mark with a boundary to – yep – third man. The crowd break into a spontaneous cheer. Either GB have won a medal or Lawrence Booth has been spotted walking round the boundary. Actually, it's neither. They're doing banter with Kevin Pietersen.

"On Peterson's dismissal: I've always thought batsmen should walk when they know they're out, though that's obviously not a view shared by everyone," says Chris Renwick. "Surely in the age of DRS there's an even stronger case for walking because, let's face it, it's (a) pretty clear to everyone you're trying it on when they can see you got a massive edge so you can only enhance your reputation for playing fair, even if you wouldn't be inclined to without it and (b) what's the chances of actually getting away with it?" I can understand why they do it because you do occasionally get away with it. I'm pretty sure Ian Bell and VVS Laxman have done so in the past 18 months.

123rd over: South Africa 358-7 (Duminy 19, Philander 0) Duminy opens the face to steer Broad short of Strauss at first slip and then through him for four. "That Eng v WI scorecard," says Peter McLeod. "Heartbreaking: Ramprakash with a pair of 27s on debut: that was also his Test average." They were both worth about 80 as well. And there was those two stunning pieces of fielding in the space of ten minutes to dismiss Simmons and Hooper. A star was born, or so we thought.

122nd over: South Africa 354-7 (Duminy 15, Philander 0)
"The cure for your cramp is a) more salt, monster Munch please!" says Simon Brereton. "And b) a cold can (though I'd appreciate it if you stay off the golden stuff until your shift ends)."

121st over: South Africa 353-7 (Duminy 14, Philander 0) Philander isn't a donkey with the bat. He has two first-class hundreds and an average of 25.

"Is it normal procedure for the Headingley crowd to boo a man when he's just played the innings of his life?" says Luke Smith. I think they were booing the original decision. Although, as Nasser Hussain and Mike Atherton have just pointed out on Sky, you can see why Rod Tucker gave it not out. There were two noises, with the bat hitting the pad and the ball almost simultaneously.

WICKET! South Africa 353-7 (Petersen c Prior b Broad 182) Glory be, Alviro Petersen is out. What next, a GB medal? He got a big edge through to Matt Prior as he tried to drive a good delivery from Stuart Broad and, although it was missed by the umpire Rod Tucker, the DRS system did its job. Petersen walks off with his head down. It shouldn't be, because he has played the innings of his life: 182 from 365 balls with 23 fours.

120th over: South Africa 353-6 (Petersen 182, Duminy 14) Duminy tries to drive Anderson and is beaten by some late seam movement. Petersen is on course for the 14th double hundred by a South African opener. Only three have been in South Africa; this would be the fifth in England. And another one was in East London.

119th over: South Africa 349-6 (Petersen 181, Duminy 12) Broad has an optimistic shout for LBW against Petersen. Too high. A short ball later in the over is pulled disdainfully for four. Petersen has been so good against the short ball, even if it is brainless to bowl it on this pitch. There's a burgeoning whiff of resignation about England. "Was just wondering how many times a Test batsman has made more than 170 and been on the losing side," says eternal optimist Chris Bartlett. "46 is the answer according to statsguru." And 45 of those were by Brian Lara.

118th over: South Africa 345-6 (Petersen 177, Duminy 12) There is a third man for Petersen now, so when he cuts Anderson in that direction he gets just a single. It's been a fairly quiet start to the session. Apologies for not typing much just now. Nothing is happening, for one, and my left hand is hurting a fair bit. The infamous OBOers' cramp. I think this might actually be the first time I've ever had it. Any suggestions for curing it?

117th over: South Africa 342-6 (Petersen 176, Duminy 10) Petersen late cuts Broad to the vacant third-man boundary for four; that was the shot that led to Sir Ian Botham stomping off earlier in the day. What's a par score on this pitch? Nasser Hussain reckons around 350. I'm not sure it's even that many. South Africa are in a seriously good position. But I do think it's dangerous to assume too much at Headingley.

"Is there any reason to think that Monty wouldn't have got wickets here?" says Tom Hopkins. "I remember him doing for Pakistan at Headingley a few years ago." Yeah his record here is decent, although there would be no real reason to pick him ahead of Swann.

116th over: South Africa 337-6 (Petersen 171, Duminy 10) Jimmy Anderson starts the session with a quiet over that brings just a single to Petersen. "Just out of interest – many emails today?" says James Galea. "We're lucky enough to have a television in our office and I'm not even daring to ask if we can have the cricket on instead of the assorted running and jumping." Hardly any. Poor, lonely Robbie. It's like being at school again.

LUNCH

115th over: South Africa 336-6 (Petersen 170, Duminy 10) A digitally enchanced close-up on Sky shows that Rudolph was indeed out (although Asad Rauf didn't have that view). Duminy whips another full toss from Pietersen through midwicket for four. KP really does mix jaffas and filth. His third over is the final one of the morning session. England bowled well but it was again South Africa's session. Alviro Petersen is still there, having made an immense 170, and his side are in the handy position of 336 for six. See you in half an hour for the afternoon session.

114th over: South Africa 331-6 (Petersen 169, Duminy 6) If South Africa win this match it will probably turn out to be a career-defining performance from Petersen, who has 169 not out in a total of 331. Not quite 154 not out in a total of 252 against the four horseman of the apocalypso but still a performance for which not much praise is too high. Duminy survives an appeal for Finn for a catch at slip. England thought there was an inside edge onto the body but in fact the second noise was bat on flap of pad.

113th over: South Africa 328-6 (Petersen 168, Duminy 4) KP continues, which is perhaps a surprising decision. Mind you, Nasser points out that Duminy averages only 26 against spin in Tests, and Swann had some fun with him back in 2009-10. Nothing doing in that over.

"Shane Warne has repeatedly referred to Swann as the number one spinner in the world," says Peter Robertson. "I took a look this morning and found he was actually fourth behind Rehman, Ajmal and Herath. Can't believe this is an accurate reflection of his ability and also the entire rankings seem to have colossally demoted the entire England attack after one shellacking." I'd put Ajmal top, with Swann second, although Rehman in particular looks a very good bowler. Herath is a solid and smart bowler, though nowhere near as good as England made him look.

112th over: South Africa 323-6 (Petersen 163, Duminy 4)
"So," says Albert Freeman. "England's spinner takes a wicket in his first over. Sound familiar?"

111th over: South Africa 322-6 (Petersen 162, Duminy 4) Duminy drives Pietersen down the ground for four to get off the mark. He's done his job; England should give Anderson a burst before lunch.

"Smyth," says Mac Millings. "It's not often I hark back to the old days, when men were men, and changing the pace of an innings meant going from pedestrian to glacial, but your 88th-over entry had me rummaging through the Room of Cherished Memories at my Mum's house. Once I'd got past her collection of sticks of rhubarb and oranges garnished with the signatures of her victims, I found a tattered old box, bursting with only-edition copies of the Vic Marks-penned gamebook series, 'Spin Your Own Adventure'. That page where you run Botham out for a duck was well thumbed, I can tell you. Geoffrey Boycott, OBE."

WICKET! South Africa 318-6 (Rudolph st Prior b Pietersen 19) The good news for England is that they have a wicket. The bad news is that it came from Kevin Pietersen spinning one a mile. Rudolph pushed a long way forward to defend a ball that pitched on off stump before roaring past the outside edge, and he was stumped smartly by Matt Prior. Rudolph's back foot was right on the line – Nasser Hussain thought there was too much doubt to give it out – but the third umpire Asad Rauf raised the finger or pressed the button or announced the verdict on Twitter or whatever he does. That was a very tight decision that could have gone either way. Pietersen strikes with his second ball of the match, Imran Tahir's lips are freshly moist, and Graeme Swann is cursing the ones that got away.

110th over: South Africa 318-5 (Petersen 162, Rudolph 18) Petersen was treated for cramp between overs. He has scored more runs (161) and faced more balls (337) than in any other Test innings. A slightly strange shot from Rudolph, who steers a short ball from Finn in the air but wide of gully and away for four. This has almost imperceptibly turned into a brilliant morning for South Africa, who are only 20 minutes away from lunch.

109th over: South Africa 312-5 (Petersen 161, Rudolph 14) Sir Beefy's got steam coming out of his lugholes. England have taken a third slip out for Petersen – who then glides consecutive deliveries from Bresnan through precisely that gap for four. Botham has walked out of the commentary box! I thought it was in mock disgust but he hasn't come back yet. Ah, that was the end of his stint anyway.

108th over: South Africa 303-5 (Petersen 152, Rudolph 14)
"Perhaps, instead of having a pop at a South African who has chosen to play for England (and performed exceedingly well for seven years), we should be having a pop at the bizarre EU laws which gave birth to the Kolpak system which, in turn, gave the two obstinate Saffas currently at the crease, a well-paid tutelage in how to occupy the crease on a dreary English morning?" says SB Tang. "I'm just saying." Yes, good point. Rudolph has four years of Headingley experience.

107th over: South Africa 303-5 (Petersen 152, Rudolph 14) In sport we often refer to the irresistible force vs the immovable object. This is the immovable object vs the immovable object, or bowling dry vs batting dry. Who knew all those years ago that Wet Wet Wet was actually a reference to Sir Ian Botham bowling to Kris Srikkanth?

"Surely you jest Rob – I don't think you could liken an NZ pace attack to what South Africa have bought with them... " says Phil Edwards of that 2004 match. No, clearly SA are a much better team, but it is possible in the modern game to lose after posting 400 (or, say, 551 FOR SIX DECLARED) in the first innings, even at Headingley. Of course it's much likelier that South Africa will get 400-450, England will reply with around 280-330 and eventually Graham Onions will survive the final over on the final day to secure a draw.

106th over: South Africa 301-5 (Petersen 151, Rudolph 13) Rudolph, on the drive, is beaten by a beast from Finn, who is now concentrating on a pretty full length to the left-handed Rudolph. South Africa are content to bat time, an approach that has served them reasonably well in this series. "How are things going at the cricket?" says Derek Russell. "England still in with a shout of silver? Bet you've not heard that one before."

105th over: South Africa 300-5 (Petersen 150, Rudolph 13) Petersen taps Bresnan for a single to reach the mighty milestone of 150 not out. That's a sensational performance in the context of the series, his failure at Lord's and also the location of this match. Headingley often brings inexperienced Test batsmen out in a cold sweat, but Petersen, though fortunate at times, has played with admirable serenity.

"Did Andy Flower deliberately organise this series during the Olympics so our demise would go unnoticed?" says Chris Healy. "What a coach if he did." Draw this game, win at Lord's. Next! Actually it's not inconceivable they could win here, even if it looks increasingly unlikely. A tough New Zealand side, put in by England on this ground in 2004, got over 400 in their first innings but were well beaten in the end.

104th over: South Africa 299-5 (Petersen 149, Rudolph 13)
"It's jolly disappointing to see these South African chaps digging in and not playing their natural games," says Bruce Coker. "They've a lot to learn from the likes of our own KP about how to handle a testing first hour, with the bowlers on top and the ball doing all sorts. KP would never have let himself be dominated like this. He'd have damn well taken the attack to those blighters or perished in the attempt. Almost certainly the latter. Apologies, I seem to have woken up in a Gaumont newsreel."

103rd over: South Africa 298-5 (Petersen 148, Rudolph 13) Rudolph throws the bat at a wide delivery from Bresnan that flies off the edge and wide of the diving Cook in around a fifth slip position before scuttling away for four. South Africa have had moments of fortune this morning but everybody knows that you can't leave home without Ms Fortune when you are to bat at Headingley, and for the most part they have played really well.

"Already too late for England in this match I fear," says James Brown. "Bowled well in good conditions this morning but the South African batsmen refuse to play poor shots and simply wait for the bad ball. They'll go on to 400 plus now. The English would do well to copy their example and sell their wickets dearly." Which is something they haven't done so well this year. South Africa are on top but there's no need to panic. You never really know what's going to happen at Headingley.

102nd over: South Africa 294-5 (Petersen 148, Rudolph 9) Finn replaces Anderson, who bowled an extremely good spell of 7-5-5-0, and concedes twice as many runs in his first over as Anderson did in his entire spell. Petersen leans into a couple of pleasant drives, the first for two and the second for four. Ten from the over in total. There is still a bit of an issue with Finn's economy rate at Test level. He's going at 3.70 in his Test career and 4.00 in this match. Perhaps he mixes up his length a bit too much.

101st over: South Africa 284-5 (Petersen 138, Rudolph 9) Excuse me for a second, I'm just choking on some winter. Four from Bresnan's over including a back-foot drive for three from Rudolph.

100th over: South Africa 280-5 (Petersen 137, Rudolph 6) Another over, another play-and-miss, with Petersen wafting at a shorter delivery from Anderson.

99th over: South Africa 280-5 (Petersen 137, Rudolph 6) Bresnan replaces Broad and beats Petersen with a good one, a shortish delivery from wider on the crease that swung past the edge. He goes past the outside edge two balls later as well. England haven't had much luck this morning. We've had 18 runs from 12 overs this morning. Somewhere at Headingley, a gentlemen in a panama hat is musing that this is proper Test cricket.

98th over: South Africa 279-5 (Petersen 136, Rudolph 6) England have started well, but then so have South Africa, with both batsmen having a simple plan: leave the wide balls, block the straight ones, welt the short stuff. A maiden from Anderson to Rudolph.

97th over: South Africa 279-5 (Petersen 136, Rudolph 6)
Rudolph rolls the wrists to flick a short one from Broad round the corner, and a misfield from the sliding Trott at fine leg gives him a boundary. When he drops short later in the over, Petersen launches an extravagant pull through midwicket for four. I'd love to see the strike rate in this innings for short, good length and full deliveries. The short stuff has been savaged.

"Thus far in this series, dropped catches have cost England 370 runs and counting ..." says SB Tang. "Brutal."

96th over: South Africa 270-5 (Petersen 132, Rudolph 1) The clouds have gathered at Headingley, and Anderson seams another wonderful delivery past Petersen's defensive push. He has been outstanding this morning. Saying which, the final ball is a short, wide delivery that Petersen slaps up and over the cordon for the first boundary of the day. Short stuff has been punished mercilessly in this Test, particularly by Petersen.

"I'm looking forward to a good day's play in a match that actually looks like a contest, but how many other people are?" says Ben Hendy. "Is the ground pretty busy or are there empty seats due to the Olympics? I'm going to be up in Yorkshire for a long weekend and am going to try to sway my partner into going along, if there are seats available…" It's about 90 per cent full today, apparently. No idea about tomorrow.

95th over: South Africa 266-5 (Petersen 128, Rudolph 1) Petersen, pushing with firm hands, thick-edges Broad along the ground to third man for two. "Seems like you get to use the old minute-by-minute display, whereas the Olympics get the all new flashy version," says David Crowther. "Is cricket now officially the poor relation of the sports desk, or is it more a reflection of your particular levels of competency with compooters?" The two aren't mutually exclusive.

94th over: South Africa 263-5 (Petersen 125, Rudolph 1) A run! Petersen pushes Anderson into the covers for a single off the 39th ball of the day. This is a full-on JFK moment. What next, a GB medal? That joke (sic) no longer applies but I'll be flogging it all Test, don't you worry.

93rd over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) Broad ends yet another maiden – six in a row this morning – with a wonderful delivery that pitches on leg and middle and seams past Rudolph's defensive push. Rudolph has one from 24 balls.

92nd over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) To compound Anderson's frustration, Petersen edges the next ball a fraction short of second slip and is then beaten by a lifter. Five maidens in a row for England, and a wicket that never was.

REVIEW! South Africa 262-5 (Petersen not out 126) For the second time in the match, Alviro Petersen has an LBW decision overturned on review. It looked good live, as he whipped around his front pad at a ball angled in to him by Anderson and was given out by Steve Davis. Petersen immediately signalled that he thought it was going down the leg side. Replays showed it was sneaking down and also just bouncing over.

91st over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) It seems pleasant enough at Headingley, with the sun making its presence known, although there is a bit of swing nonetheless. Broad is trying to shape it back into Rudolph, who defends carefully and then ignores a bouncer. Four maidens in a row from England; excellent stuff.

"I remember Vic's book very well; it was called The Ultimate One-Day International," says Paul Roberts. "Running Beefy out was an unfortunate option, but there was a chance of scoring an unbeaten 70 (ish) if you chose wisely. Can't remember what happened after that: if it was like other popular choose your own adventure books of the time, I'd imagine Sir Ian would probably challenge you to a fight when you returned to the dressing room." Hopefully there would have been the option to hide behind Peter Willey.

90th over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) This has been a good start from England, accurate and purposeful, and Anderson makes it three consecutive maidens. "Five of us are attempting the National Three Peaks Challenge in support of Cancer Research UK this weekend but disaster struck in the early hours of Wednesday morning when our two designated drivers were headbutted outside a popular Leeds nightspot during a disagreement over a mixed tikka kebab," says Thuram Thugood. "So now we are attempting the challenge with only three drivers, all of whom are tackling the three peaks. Like the England cricket team, we are up against it, so any donations would be most appreciated. Follow us on Twitter. Please could you include this sponsorship request in today's OBO report. We are all guardian readers, have very few friends and are struggling to raise the donations required to make our pitiful existence worthwhile." You had me at mixed tikka kebab.

89th over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) The last time Jacques Rudolph batted in a Test in England was nine years ago, when he was memorably set up by Martin Bicknell at The Oval. He does well to jerk inside the line of a sharp bouncer from Stuart Broad, who, like Anderson, starts with a maiden.

88th over: South Africa 262-5 (Petersen 124, Rudolph 1) Jimmy Anderson will bowl the first over to Alviro Petersen, whose first name brings to mind Elvira and the trick or treat episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. (Nip faux outrage in the bud department: clip contains grown-up language.) It's a quiet first over until the final delivery, which is a very full delivery that seams sharply past the edge. Beautifully bowled.

"Speaking of choosing the path ahead, your esteemed Guardian colleague Alison Flood linked to this bit of genius today," says Peter McLeod. "Unfortunately this has led me to picture Graeme Smith smirking and saying 'England, your adventure ends here' as he brings Dale Steyn on to bowl." On that subject, does anyone remember a late 1980s choose-your-own-adventure-style book – it may even have been written by our own Vic Marks – in which you got to play a one-day international and had to make decisions throughout the book. I have a vague reflection of running out Ian Botham for a duck and being dismissed myself next ball. For nought.

Pre-play email "On TMS the weather forecaster has used the term' bubbling up' for clouds," says John Starbuck. "It must be the phrase du jour as he said it three times. No doubt it will be something else to get sick off before too long."

Preamble In life, it's not always easy to choose the path ahead. Do you rely on instinct, experience, precedent, or do you look at the
inspirational bracelet on your wrist and think: What Would Rick Astley Do?
For England, there are no such problems this morning. The precedent for what they need to do is fresh in the memory. They simply need to ape South Africa's performance on the second morning at The Oval by taking a bundle of wickets for not many runs.

As things stand South Africa are sitting less uncomfortably than England. They resume on 262 for five, with Alviro Petersen on 124 and Jacques Rudolph on one. The new ball is only seven overs old, so if England get an early wicket they will hope to roll them for under 300, although under 350 may be more realistic. If they do, they are back in the series. If they don't, our mood will be backwards.

South Africa in England 2012England cricket teamSouth Africa cricket teamCricketRob Smyth
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The Fiver | The Glazers' latest magic trick | Rob Smyth

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ATTRACT, RETAIN AND MOTIVATE

The Glazers are the naffest magicians in history. Abracadabra! Watch hundreds of millions of pounds turn to dust. Hey presto! Watch Cristiano Ronaldo disappear and return a year later as Bebe. Shazam! Watch the Glazers trouser half the money from the IPO that was supposed to ease the club's elephantine debt. Yes, Manchester United last night announced their listing on the New York stock exchange, but with a twist: it seems half the money will be going straight to the Glazers' cavernous pockets.

In 1999, plain old Alex Ferguson said: "When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure." In unrelated news, Sir Alex Ferguson recently said the Glazers were "great" for Manchester United and that "the majority of real fans will look at it realistically and say it's not affecting the team". Yet the Glazers' latest magic trick raises one particular point that even the Fiver – a U at Business Studies, and that was second time round – can see is of vague importance.

Sixteen million shares worth $288m will form an equity plan, the purpose of which is "to attract, retain and motivate selected employees … through the granting of share-based and cash-based compensation awards". Attract, retain, motivate, and don't nobody say nothin'. If Ferguson is part of that scheme – and if he's not something is amiss, as he is by some distance the most select employee at the club – the credibility of his comments about the Glazers would be obliterated faster than you could say 'the Govan department of champagne socialism'.

At the very least, Ferguson is guilty of wilful ignorance and/or a certain moral ambivalence when it comes to the Glazers' impact on the club. And if it is the case that he will make a significant financial gain from this latest manoeuvre, it will be hard for anyone to credibly dispute the suggestion that he has been complicit in the systematic violation of Manchester United Football Club. Were that the case, even his beloved "real fans" should struggle to forgive him.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The primary reason is that I want to get a job in the Premier League" – Mick McCarthy explains why he opted against the Nottingham Forest job … after holding talks with the Championship club.

FIVER LETTERS

"To answer Matthew Sharpe (yesterday's Fiver letters), the correct adjective for things that have become a shadow of their former selves, particularly where they've added a lot of unnecessary padding in the process, is to brolin, so the Fiver has brolined. Readers of a certain age may also recall the older vernacular which is of course that the Fiver has neilwebbed. For fans of the developing language, I suspect a future adjective might be that a player has carrolled, now that big Andy has birtled so conspicuously at Liverpool" – Jason Tew.

"I bring news! Having attended the match on Saturday between Gareth Bale's ankle and Charlie Adam's boot, I can report that no football whatsoever took place. Instead a group jog was conducted with routine quality checks on all corners of the centre circle. Two steps forward and a tumble down the hill in the quest to bring quality Soccerball to USA! USA!! USA!!! At least Stuart Downing didn't pla … oh" – Brad Porterfield.

"With the news Manchester United have signed a shirt sponsorship deal with Chevrolet (yesterday's Bits and Bobs), I have inside information that there were previously failed negotiations with Tottenham chairman Daniel Levy. Apparently they took the Chevy to the Levy but the Levy was dry" – Ollie Poole-Cowley.

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BITS AND BOBS

The Pope's Newc O'Rangers have completed the signing of free agent Dean Shiels, ahead of the club's transfer embargo on 1 September. "No matter what league they are in, it's a massive club," cheered Shiels.

New Marseille coach Elie Baup has denied any intentional wrongdoing after being charged with benefits fraud. "I had no intention to [do this]," insisted Baup, who is accused of receiving benefits while he was working for Canal+ after he was sacked by Nantes in 2009. "This is the reality. I trusted some law experts and advisors who led me into this … I am willing to pay some damages, even to give the whole money back. I'll do whatever it takes."

Newcastle have confirmed the signing of teenage Melbourne Heart defender Curtis Good on a flamin' six-year deal.

And Swansea are interested in signing formerly good West Brom striker Simon Cox.

STILL WANT MORE?

An obese Ryan Giggs, a dodgy map and some old Greeks all feature in this week's Gallery efforts.

And while the FA's stance on racism has improved, more still needs to be done, says Musa Okwonga.

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WE'RE SUPPORTING FRANCERob Smyth
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London 2012 Olympics: day four – as it happened

Michael Phelps became the most decorated Olympian of all time after victory in the 4x200m freestyle and there was another gold for Ye Shiwen

Paul DoylePaul OwenGeorgina TurnerRob Smyth