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Rob Smyth

India v England - as it happened!

India wrapped up the first Test with a nine-wicket victory, despite Alastair Cook's heroics

Hope: it's a cruel mistress. Yesterday at this time of the morning, this felt like a wander into the masochist's parlour. England fans knew this was a doomed cause, they knew this would end in tragedy and farce. Yet still they watched, enjoying the curious pain and addiction unique to watching a Test cricket side being gently crushed.

But now? Now, it's even worse. Because after Cook and Prior's heroics, there's that glimmer of maybe. Just maybe. You suspect that, at the current rate of scoring, they'll probably need to bat to around tea in order to post a target they can defend. That's a mighty big ask. Mighty big. But can they?

But then there is a precedent of a solid, reliable England captain and opener batting with his wicketkeeper to save a Test. Vic Marks wrote a great piece on Mike Atherton and Jack Russell's 1995 innings against South Africa here, so there's no need to rehash it. It is worth pointing out, though, that India don't have an Allan Donald in their ranks, while Prior is a better (and less helter skelter) batsman than the tea, biscuit and baked-bean obsessed Russell. There's that hope again...

"Wake up!" hollers Zaph Mann. "The game starts again in 12 minutes!!! That woman you're holding is just a dream, wake up Tom! Wake up..." Have no fear Zaph. As if any woman, imaginary or otherwise, could be better than a grindingly defensive, rearguard Test innings.

"Morning Tom," emails Harry Tuttle, he of the startling revelations yesterday. "Fifth day, absolutely knackered but feeling better after managing to sleep in a socially acceptable fashion all through Sunday. As a final, decisive act of derision towards the BCCI, I present my artist's portrayal of yesterday's events. Can your readers do better? I think not ... Oh, and here's Matt Prior." Oh dear.

3.57am: Oh, well there's the tin lid on it. Ian Botham says he has no reason not to believe England will save this. Go back to bed everyone. Night, night. Never going to happen now.

129th over: England 340-5 (lead by 10 runs; Cook 168, Prior 84): Zaheer Khan opens the bowling on the fifth day with no slips and a split field. Cook prods forward at his first ball and misses it by a margin. He's better with the erst of the over, which is largely full and straight. A maiden, England are basically 10 for five.

Good lord, it's early for this from Liam Drew. "Nietzsche's take on hope: Zeus intended that man, notwithstanding the evils oppressing him, should continue to live and not rid himself of life, but keep on making himself miserable. For this purpose he bestowed hope upon man: it is, in truth, the greatest of evils for it lengthens the ordeal of man."

130th over: England 341-5 (lead by 11 runs; Cook 168, Prior 85): Ojha, two wickets in this innings, starts at the other end. He bowls to Prior who has no maker's name on his bat - the theory being that he's gone out and bought a local piece of timber rather than use his more usual one. These are the tense overs as they try to get their eyes back in. Prior works a single to the deep

"The most concerning aspect of this test from an England point of view is not necessarily many of the players' inability to play spin, but the fact that our supposed strength in fast bowling has been proven totally illusory," emails Peter Hook from a cool and cloudy Sydney. "Our trio have barely reached 80mph on the speed-gun, where as Yudav has been managing close to 90mph and both he and Zaheer have extracted swing, where as Bresnan, Broad and Anderson were barely able to move the ball in the air or off the wicket. There is a point where blind loyalty just becomes blind, and Bresnan and Broad need to replaced by Finn and Monty. Samit may have got a couple of dubious LBWs but he needs to be replaced by a specialist who can score a century (ie Morgan). While I'd love Captain Cook and Sgt Major Prior to bat England to safety it will tend to cover over the very obvious selection mistakes England have made. But can we have both a draw and selection overhaul, pleeease?" I think both Broad and Bresnan need to have a bit of a think.

131st over: England 346-5 (lead by 16 runs; Cook 168, Prior 90): That eases the pressure. Khan bowls shortish and wide to Prior and, batting out of his crease, he flays the ball to the point boundary. He feels for a better, wide one later in the over, the one slip in to Prior momentarily twitching. A drive then brings him both a single and into the 90s.

"Apparently if you don't sweat it's very dangerous," emails Dr Ian Forth. "There must be a chance that at some point Cook will overheat, then spontaneously combust, like Mr Krook in Bleak House. I'm guessing he would be the first visiting captain to India to do so (though I haven't checked statsguru). How many more records will he break?"

132nd over: England 346-5 (lead by 16 runs; Cook 168, Prior 90): Ojha has an ambitious lbw shout, pitching the ball outside leg stump and not turning it enough to hit them. Two balls later, though, he bowls a stunner: the ball turns sharply, keeping very low, and just avoids Prior's edge. Yikes. A maiden, and blimey, India are cracking through the overs.

133rd over: England 348-5 (lead by 18 runs; Cook 169, Prior 91): Cook runs a quick single to cover to get off the mark for the morning, before Prior works Khan to gully for another. Khan is keeping the ball very tight, hoping to get Cook lbw before his feet are moving properly. He does rap him on the front shin with his last of the over, but the ball was going down.

"Good morning Tom," emails Chris Bourne. "Glad to hear you're not encumbered with women when the only thing on any true Englishman's mind should be a forward defensive prod. If we are going to riff on the great philosophers today, then I think Albert Camus had something important to say about Cook's innings: 'Au milieu de l'hiver, j'ai découvert en moi un invincible été.' If ever a batmsan carried an invincible summer in him, it must be Alistair." Tell you what, let's not riff on philosophers. I need little enough temptation to question my existence at this time of the morning.

134th over: England 348-5 (lead by 18 runs; Cook 169, Prior 91): Ojha continues, and Prior slaps the ball through silly point. But Tendulkar is there in the covers to prevent a run. Prior then goes back to a ball that was a touch quicker than he expected, causing him momentary alarm. Another maiden.

135th over: England 349-5 (lead by 19 runs; Cook 170, Prior 91): Khan is working hard on the ball, trying to get something out of it. He's finding a little reverse. I said it yesterday, but this is one of the greenest outfield I've ever seen in India - a Fletcher plan, perhaps, to nullify England's seamers. However, it's not helping Khan much at this point either. He sets Cook up with three outside off, then brings in a sharp inswinger. The England captain nudges it to leg to bring up the 150 partnership.

"This is Roy in Brighton," emails Roy from Brighton. "Talking of hope - an entire US presidential election was decided on who could read that word off a TelePrompter in a convincing manner. Hope works - unless it's a Test match. Oh wait ... I think England will lose the match, but not before giving us lots of hope. At least till Lunch. Then India will win by tea. I am told they have a plane to catch. Which will be just around the time BCCI will announce truce with the camera bearers."

136th over: England 350-5 (lead by 20 runs; Cook 171, Prior 91): Here's Ojha, rattling through his overs again. Cook seems happy to get off strike and leave Prior to deal with his looping, tossed-up left-arm spinners and nurdles a single first ball. He's bowling a good length to Prior, who is playing him both back and forwards without looking entirely comfortable with either.

137th over: England 356-5 (lead by 26 runs; Cook 175, Prior 91): Khan does find some good reverse swing, throwing in a yorker that Cook deals with. His next ball, however, is a pearl. Cook, I think, was leaving it but it cut back in and missed the stumps by the proverbial paint lick. Two byes, and clip off his pads for four follows.

So that's 16 runs in the first half hour, plus a ludicrous lbw appeal. This is going to be a long, grinding, battle. Or at least it is as long as these two are in. I'm not sure how much stomach Broad or Swann, for example, have for the long, grinding battle.

WICKET! Prior 91 c+b Ojha (England 356-6): The ball got stuck in the wicket and Prior simply chipped the ball back to the bowler. Uh oh. He's furious. Essentially, he just prodded at a ball that kept very low and could do nothing but lift it back at Ojha. What a shame that such a brilliant innings has come to an end like that.

138th over: England 357-6 (lead by 27 runs; Cook 175, Bresnan 1): Bresnan gets off the mark with a squirted thick edge. Ojha will be thrilled with that over. That swings the momentum back India's way

139th over: England 360-6 (lead by 30 runs; Cook 176, Bresnan 3): Tea seems a long way off now. Dhoni brings in two slips for Bresnan, with Khan angling the ball across him with the assistance of some reverse. Bresnan dabs his first ball away for a single. Cook is watchful, eventually pushing another single to third man. Bresnan responds with one of his own.

Poor old Prior, it was such bad luck. The bowler didn't do anything special, he just got one of those nothing balls that gets you out. If ever someone was deserving of a century, it was him. "There goes the Test then," emails Melbourne's Paul Tooby. "Damn shame for Prior. The thing is, here I am saying 'There goes the Test,' when apparently I should still be full of hope because of our much vaunted lower order batting. I'm not though. Bresnan, Broad and Swann don't have a prayer of making this stick, do they? which rather poses the question of why we contemplate sacrificing the potentially more suitable bowling skills of Finn and Panesar because they can't bat! Monty and Jimmy in Cardiff 2009, anyone?"

140th over: England 363-6 (lead by 33 runs; Cook 176, Bresnan 6): Ojha sends down another of his beauties, as he is wont to do every 10 balls or so. This one turns from middle and just fails to catch Bresnan's edge. Brezza does manage to work three runs from him in the over, ticking along at a run a ball(ish), perhaps belying his nerves.

Broad, Swann and Bresnan are the lower order batsmen you want coming in when you're on a charge, and a brisk 70 odd from the lower order is exactly the ticket. When you're batting time though ...

141st over: England 365-6 (lead by 35 runs; Cook 176, Bresnan 8): Khan has changed his line to Bresnan, the left-armer coming round the wicket and from wide in the crease. Bresnan deals with it comfortably enough, flicking the ball angled into his pads around the corner. But Khan, crafty old bowler that he is, has a plan. He changes back to over the wicket, bowls full and straight, and nearly takes Bresnan's feet off.

"Bresnan, going at a run a ball, you'd think he was trying to win this!" chirps Simon Brereton.

WICKET! Cook 176 b Ojha (England 365-7): Oh dear. Cook made 176 from 374 balls in one of the greatest innings of his life. But he couldn't keep out Ojha there, who has his fourth of the innings. The spinner dropped the ball outside his off stump, and it cut back and kept low to clip his pad and then his stumps. Cook looks absolutely gutterd.

142nd over: England 365-7 (lead by 35 runs; Bresnan 8, Broad 0): Broad blocks his first ball, then gets caught on the pad. The ball loops up to first slip, who appeals wildly thinking the ball had caught the glove. It hadn't.

"Bresnan, Broad and Swann make me less nervous than Trott, Bell and
Peitersen, they will out score and outstay them in this test for sure," reckons Peter Roy. You're about to find out ...

143rd over: England 371-7 (lead by 41 runs; Bresnan 14, Broad 0): Yadav comes on, probing a line outside off. Dhoni puffs out his cheeks at one that Bresnan leaves outside the off stump, but it's hard to see why, it wasn't threatening much. A push to cover brings two, then a flick to fine leg brings four more. Perhaps positivity is the way to go - build as many runs as possible, batting in their own style, then try to strangle India. As I said, hope does crazy things to a man.

144th over: England 372-7 (lead by 42 runs; Bresnan 14, Broad 1): Ojha has a knack of bowling deliveries that keep low. To a big man like Broad, they're a tricky thing to deal with. So far, he's done OK, managing to nurdle to cover to get off the mark.

WICKET! Broad 3 c+b Yadav (England 378-8): Broad clonks a leading edge straight back to the bowler when trying to turn the ball to leg. What's that saying about one wicket bringing 10 in India?

145th over: England 378-8 (lead by 44 runs; Bresnan 14, Swann 0): Broad had squirted a Yadav delivery away for two, then Dhoni conceded four byes, having a difficult job behind the stumps with the ball not bouncing. He does well to claim one down the leg side from the first delivery Swann faces. There's a strangled appeal, the ball flicking part of his anatomy on the way through. Apparently, the Indian players complained that Broad walked straight down the pitch when walking off. Didn't look like there was much in it, to be honest.

"I have to disagree with Paul Tooby in the 139th over," reckons Harry Tuttle. "Flintoff, Broad and Swann, the 3 batsmen in before Jimmy and Monty, got 71 runs altogether in an innings where Cook, Ravi and Pietersen put on 16 runs between them. Without their contribution, Monty/Jimmy would be unthinkable.

"The real hero of Cardiff, though, was Collingwood, who got 74 runs off 245 balls. We have never replaced him, never. We have lost more Tests than we've won since he retired, especially if you file the India whitewash in the drawer marked 'anomalous madness'. We need an all-rounder to bat at six and he needs to be one of the best fielders we've ever had, oh, and he needs to have the attitude and bearing of a solid company man." Oh for a Colly here.

146th over: England 381-8 (lead by 51 runs; Bresnan 17, Swann 0): It was Ojha doing the chirping about Broad walking on the wicket. I don't think Broad was really at fault there, he was ambling gently down the side of the strip and the spinner was howling at him. Ojha responds by turning one sharply past Bresnan's bat, who works him for three soon after. Then Ojha very nearly slides a ball under Swann's bat, who clonks it with the toe end of his bat. A charge and a thrash a ball later brings nothing.

147th over: England 383-8 (lead by 52 runs; Bresnan 18, Swann 0): Bresnan is very lucky so survive an lbw shout to Yadav's first delivery. The ball pitched outside off and looked as though it would have taken leg and middle out of the ground. There was no bat on it either, but Tony Hill shook his head. Lucky for Bresnan, not so lucky for Yadav, another one in the face of the BCCI as DRS would have nailed him. Yadav responds with a bouncer - a rarity in this Test - that balloons well over Bresnan's head for a wide, before a hook brings a single. It's Swann's trn to get on the pad next, this one definitely sneaking down leg.

148th over: England 384-8 (lead by 54 runs; Bresnan 19, Swann 0): Bresnan runs a single off the arm ball, before Swann gets himself into a right old tangle as the ball again keeps very low on him.

"I've always contested that if you bat seven sessions, you shouldn't lose a Test," says Gary Naylor. "And therefore, in the first Test of a series, the primary job is to bat 210 overs and not go one down. I think Dhoni was wrong to enforce the follow-on, but it looks like England will bat their seven sessions and lose. So maybe I'm doubly wrong!" The Dhoni declaration was another odd one - not least because the batsmen in the middle didn't seem to know he had declared. Another 45 minutes in the middle and India might still have a lead at this point. Still, they did rattle through the top order (and nightwatchman) that evening, so perhaps he had a point.

149th over: England 388-8 (lead by 58 runs; Bresnan 19, Swann 0): Dhoni concedes another four byes, this time not really his fault. Yadav sent the ball low and wide down the leg side and the keeper didn't have much of a chance there. He gets as much of the hump as he's ever likely to get, being a fairly laidback sort of chap, and tells Zaheer Khan to go and have a word with the young quickie.

150th over: England 395-8 (lead by 65 runs; Bresnan 19, Swann 7): Swann has the mother and father of hoicks at a ball pitching on leg, and succeeds in edging the ball into his pads. Next ball, he connects and gets off the mark with a slog sweep over midwicket for six. A single brings Bresnan onto strike, and he edges just short of second slip.

151st over: England 399-8 (lead by 69 runs; Bresnan 19, Swann 11): Dhoni is doesn't Yadav getting him to scrabble about on the floor down the leg side again, so he's chopped him and returned to Zaheer Khan. He strays onto the leg stump, though, and Swann (batting a mile out of his crease) can clip a full toss to the square leg boundary.

152nd over: England 402-8 (lead by 72 runs; Bresnan 20, Swann 13): Ashwin (three wickets in the match, none this innings) comes on, to replace Ojha who has nine in the match. He has a short leg, leg slip and slip in for Bresnan who watchfully prods him to off for a single that brings up the 400. Swann reverse sweeps him for a couple. He does the same on the next ball, but misses completely and is lucky the ball turns past the stumps. It all gets a bit spicy after that, with Swann surviving an lbw appeal as he is outside the line, then Ashwin attempting to hurl down his stumps.

"Assuming the target is somewhere around 130, do you think Cook would have the gumption to open with Anderson and Swann?" asks Simon Brereton, making a fairly big assumption that a lead of 130 is on the cards. He may as well open with himself, because it ain't going to change much here.

153rd over: England 402-8 (lead by 72 runs; Bresnan 20, Swann 13): The umpires are having a word with Bresnan about him batting out of the crease - perhaps it's a ploy to rough up the wicket for later, but he's entitled to bat where he likes. The host broadcaster helpfully explains the situation by dropping a large blue arrow onto the screen, pointing directly at Bresnan's gentleman's area. Perhaps they're suggesting he's got balls to stand up to Zaheer?

154th over: England 406-8 (lead by 76 runs; Bresnan 20, Swann 17): Swann reverse sweeps again, this time finding the third man boundary. He then flatters to do it again, before charging Ashwin and attempting to drive. There's an interesting little battle going on between these two - an off spinners' stand off. But ...

WICKET! Swann 17 b Ashwin (England 406-9): Swann attempts to reverse sweep again, and manages to york himself, the ball clattering middle stump as Swann tries the shot to a ball that is too full. Ashwin wins the off spinner stand off. Not really the shot needed when you're batting for time. England are basically 76-9.

WICKET! Bresnan 20 c Rhane b Zaheer (England 406 all out, a lead of 76): Bresnan thrashed a full ball outside off stump to extra cover, where Rahane claims a very good catch. There was barely a celebration there. A good session for India, five wickets from it. With them, go any of England's hope of saving this Test. Go back to bed, roll over and pretend that all that hope you had was a mere trifle.

LUNCH: I imagine India's cheese sandwiches will taste better than England's. See you in a bit.

So will Cook open with spin? Probably. What's he got to lose? Graeme Swann is not a big fan of bowling with the new ball, finding the lacquer hard to grip. But he has been sending new balls down in the nets, just in case, in the run up to this game so should be reasonably used to the feel of the thing.

Anderson and Swann likely to open then, with India presumably hopeful of wrapping this up before tea.

Doesn't seem to early to begin the inquest: Trott, Bell, Patel (two poor decisions notwithstanding) and Pietersen have not contributed enough with the bat. Broad and Bresnan not enough with the ball. Clearly this should have been a two spinner pitch, with Patel not good enough to be that second spinner. Discuss.

In the meantime, what's left to say about Alastair Cook? The man is a batting machine, someone who will shatter records everywhere by the time he is done. He just seems to entirely know his game - he knows his limitations, knows his strengths and plays to both. Put like that, it doesn't seem that complicated, does it?

Prior, too, has had a good Test with the bat. While his glovework was uncharacteristically sloppy in the first innings, he is surely absolutely key for England now. I wonder if there was ever a consideration about giving him the captaincy. Certainly he seems to have the diplomat's touch, what with his role in the KP affair.

1st over: India 5-0 (need 77 to win; Sehwag 3, Pujara 2): Anderson will open the bowling as India change their openers, with Gambhir absent after the death of his grandmother. There's just one slip in, Cook opting to go on the defensive with a split field. Sehwag gets off the mark with a push to deep cover before Pujara angles one to leg to do the same. Anderson then bleeds another three singles. So much for the defensive field.

2nd over: India 14-0 (need 77 to win; Sehwag 4, Pujara 10): Swann takes the new ball from the other end. He sets an in-out field, perhaps with the intention of getting Sehwag to try something nutty. He has a big flail at a flighted delivery and is lucky to get away with a single from an inside edge. Pujara, though, whips Swann very classily through midwicket for four. He clonks him for another one, flicked wristily away to leg, two balls later. This isn't going to take long, is it?

3rd over: India 19-0 (need 77 to win; Sehwag 5, Pujara 14): Sehwag scampers a single, as Anderson probes an off stump line. Pujara is happy to see the over out until leaning into Anderson's last ball, on which he unfurls a perfect cover drive for four.

"I'm not so sure that it's a two spinner pitch - it might be a one and a half spinner pitch," says Gary Naylor, presumably ruling Patel out as that extra half a spinner on account of his girth. "What it definitely is beyond any doubt, is a bat-time pitch - and this match has been lost because too many England batsmen could not bat time. And that surely is as much about mental approach as technical skill. All the talk will be about Monty though but that's a sideshow." All of which makes a lot of sense.

4th over: India 28-0 (need 77 to win; Sehwag 10, Pujara 18): Sehwag crunches Swann for four, a drive clattering into the advertising boards. He's in no mood to mess about, and flicks a single. It brings Pujara onto strike and he thumps Swann to the boundary again too, the ball whistling past Cook at silly point who must be wondering what the hell he's doing there after his epic innings. "This is frenetic batting. I blame the IPL," adds Gary Naylor.

5th over: India 39-0 (need 77 to win; Sehwag 17, Pujara 22): Anderson comes out of the attack, and Patel comes in. Is it too much to say he's bowling for his place here? Probably, but he'll need to do well. He starts with an utterly disgusting full toss that Sehwag murders into the stands. It might have worked against Yuvraj in the first innings, but it's not going to fly here. Pujara than hammers him to square leg for another four. A filthy over.

6th over: India 48-0 (need 77 to win; Sehwag 19, Pujara 29): Sehwag and Pujara exchange singles, each looking to attack and put this game down with the minimum of fuss. Swann's bowling faster than the India spinners and Pujara uses the fullness the pace is bringing to belt him to the mid-off boundary. The Indian batsmen are rubbing England's nose in it.

7th over: India 49-0 (need 77 to win; Sehwag 20, Pujara 29): Better from Patel, in that he doesn't smeared for a six, but it's still tame stuff. Ian Bell has already done one, incidentally. He's left the ground already to head home for the birth of his son.

8th over: India 53-0 (need 77 to win; Sehwag 23, Pujara 30): Sehwag brings up India's 50 from 43 balls. How long did Cook and Prior bat for the same number of runs yesterday? Just to rub it in, silly point Cook wears one from Pujara on the shins. He has to leap out of the way next ball too as Sehwag drives. Lord knows what's going through his mind.

9th over: India 54-0 (need 77 to win; Sehwag 23, Pujara 31): Patel bowls a tight over to Pujara, who works him for a single from the last ball.

"One name to save them and in the darkness bind them (or spin them actually) Kerrigan ... and why not? He's young he's talented, he plays for Lanky and been mentored by Sir Gary Keedy," reckons Lee Henderson.

WICKET! Sehwag 25 c Pietersen b Swann (India 57-1) Swann floats one up and Sehwag smears him to long on. It was possibly heading for six, but KP managed to pouch it just inside the boundary. His momentum nearly took him over, but he just checked himself in time.

10th over: India 61-1 (need 77 to win; Pujara 36, Kohli 0): One wicket here is something; anything to avoid the ignominy of a 10-wicket defeat. Sehwag couldn't give a flying one as he walks off. Both he and Pujara were batting have the look of club cricketers having a bit of a laugh at the Under 12s' expense. It's why Pujara smacks Swann to the square leg boundary the ball after the dismissal.

"If we're not getting any photos out of the ground, so there's no real evidence for it, can we just say this test never happened?" pleads Michael Hunt.

11th over: India 66-1 (need 77 to win; Pujara 36, Kohli 5): Kohli gets off the mark by driving Patel dismissively through the covers for four. Credit to India, at least they're hardly toying with their victims here.

12th over: India 66-1 (need 77 to win; Pujara 36, Kohli 5): Kohli has a couple of slogs, attempting to knock off these remaining runs in a couple of shots, but mistimes them. Never mind, Patel is bowling to Pujara next over so I'm sure we'll all be out of our misery soon.

"Morning Tom, have to disagree with Naylor," writes Indy. "True that various batsmen need to look in the mirror. However, we did bat seven sessions and never looked like being even in contention for a draw. Sometimes the bowling is at fault. Now Monty may well not be the solution, but comparing Broad and Bres to Khan and Yadav suggests a problem."

13th over: India 67-1 (need 77 to win; Pujara 37, Kohli 5): Just the single from it. What was I saying about India not toying with their victims?

14th over: India 71-1 (need 77 to win; Pujara 41, Kohli 5): Pujara whistles a leg-side flick through midwicket for four, he looks some player.

15th over: India 76-1 (need 77 to win; Pujara 41, Kohli 10): Kohli drives uppishly just to the left of a diving Compton at a shortish cover. Next, he flays him straight down the ground for four. A scrambled run nearly brings a run out chance, but Broad's throw is too strong for Patel to catch. Then, with one run to win, Kohli calls for a new bat having driven his into the ground while diving for the line.

INDIA WIN BY NINE WICKETS: That's that then, Kohli driving Swann for a single. India win the first Test at a canter. In conditions where Test wins are far less likely than Test draws, that's a heck of a way to begin the series. England have some serious questions to ask themselves - did they get the makeup of the side right? Is Monty the answer? And do the batsmen really think that was good enough. Perhaps Gooch too needs to stop reveling in Cook's brilliance and do some work with the other batsmen.

Man of the match? Take your pick from Sehwag, Pujara, Ojha or Cook. I'd give it to Pujara for his double ton, but nine wickets from Ojha is nothing to be sniffed at. Anyway, that's it from me, thanks for reading and cheers for all your emails. Join us for the second Test in Mumbai on Friday morning.

England in India 2012-13India cricket teamEngland cricket teamCricketOver by over reportsTom BryantRob Smyth
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115th over: England 313-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 160, Prior 65) Ashwin is bowling pretty straight to Prior, perhaps setting him up for the carrom ball. It doesn't come in that over though, and a low full toss is patted down the ground for four. That takes Prior to 65 and England to within 17 of making India bat again.

114th over: England 307-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 160, Prior 61) "I feel your pain on the damp trousers," says Stuart Wilson. "I went to a wedding last year wearing light coloured trousers. I popped to the toilet and an over excitable tap sprayed a tidal wave of water all down the front of my trousers. After unsuccessfully trying to limbo my crotch under the hand dryer I had to take my jacket off and carry it in a rather camp fashion as a cover up for the next few hours until it dried." They're almost dry now, although the pneumonia's in the post.

113th over: England 306-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 160, Prior 60) Cook, trying to cut Ashwin, is beaten by some sharp bounce. Two false strokes in as many overs, after an hour of untroubled progress. With Ojha and Ashwin on, and with the close an hour, this passage of play may well decide the match. If England are to have any chance of survival they cannot afford to lose a wicket tonight.

"Morning Rob, the chat about wicketkeepers, and the fact that it's you in the hot seat, has got me thinking," says Luke Dealtry. "Who is the Martin McCague of England keepers? You know – the one who'll go down as being really, really, really bad. I mean beguilingly bad, bewitchingly bad, McCague bad." I suppose in modern times it would be poor old Richard Blakey, who suffered death by flipper in India in 1992-93. He was actually a very good player, and anyway he redeemed himself by naming his autobiography 'Taking it from Behind'.

112th over: England 306-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 160, Prior 60) Prior is beaten by a gorgeous, seductive delivery from Ojha that dips in and then snaps past the edge. Beautiful bowling.

"After day one, to claim that England were right to leave out Monty was
tantamount to walking around the village in an old straw hat sucking a stalk of
grass," says Gary Naylor. "But the pitch readers know nothing at all do they? (As I rather enjoyed claiming here.) All the debate will focus on the balance of the bowling attack (which did fail) but England are losing this match because of the upper order – change them."

111th over: England 306-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 160, Prior 60) You're thinking it, aren't you? You're thinking if these two get through to the close and then get their eye in tomorrow morning.... You are an idiot.

After one over from Yadav, MS Dhoni has gone back to R Ashwin, who hasn't taken a wicket in his last 40-odd overs. Four low-risk singles continue England's disconcertingly serene progress.

"So the game plan is patently for England crawl to a lead of a 150 or so by lunch tomorrow, couple of overs of quickish to get the shine off the new ball and then our double spin attack steam through," says John Tumbridge. "Oh..."

110th over: England 302-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 158, Prior 58) Ojha replaces the ineffective Yuvraj. His first ball is way too short and Prior flicks it almost daintily through midwicket. That brings up the hundred partnership and England's 300.

109th over: England 296-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 156, Prior 51) The impressive Yadav returns to the attack. He's a big unit in the flattering sense of the phrase; in fact his upper body is like that of the Incredible Hulk. He digs in a short ball to Cook, who whirls an emphatic pull round the corner for four. We've said it a few times before but it's worth repeating: he is going to obliterate every English Test batting record in the book.

"So what target's safe to set India to save the game?" says Calum Loudon. "10? 20? 600ish?" Not sure about the target, although England would probably have to bat until just before tea tomorrow to save the game. But like the man said: don't get any big ideas, they're not gonna happen.

108th over: England 292-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 152, Prior 51) Cook and Prior look extremely comfortable. We know how these things work, though: one wicket falls and then the new batsman is eaten alive before he can get his eye in.

"I would struggle to find Prior a place on the grounds that if you want a pure gloveman to go in at 7 below Botham then you of course have to pick Knott (Russell as reserve)," says Phil Russell. "If you are after a wicketkeeper-batsman however, then for me Prior has to take second place to Her Majesty's Alec Stewart. 8,000 runs at a touch under 40, 15 tons and here's a quick clip of some impressively subtle sledging from behind the stumps v Zimbabwe." The Gaffer was a glorious opener, and a very good keeper, but his batting average as keeper was only 34.92, well down on Prior (whose moral average is even higher, given how many times he throws away his wicket for the team). Having said that, the Gaffer played in an era of great bowlers. Either way, there's a very good chance we will remember Matt Prior as a great rather than a very good player.

107th over: England 290-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 152, Prior 51) "Apropos of nothing, how's this for an over," says Mark Hooper. "Doesn't get better than dismissing Ponting and both Waughs." One of the best spells of modern times. In the next over he did this.

106th over: England 288-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 151, Prior 51) Cook cuts Yuvraj for two to reach a monumental 150. What a staggering performance. It's his sixth 150-plus score in Tests; in the context, however, it doesn't feel remotely adequate to call this a Daddy hundred. The most impressive thing is how fresh he looks. He celebrates with a gentle raise of the bat, nothing more than that. There's more work to be done. He's a batting addict.

105th over: England 285-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 148, Prior 51) Cook reaches outside off stump to time Zaheer classily through extra cover for four. Where does he get the physical and particularly mental strength to play an innings like this? He's been on the field for all bar 35 overs of the match.

"I'd go for Knott as England keeper too – not just a better keeper (THE best) but a far better batsman than his stats indicate," says Steve Hudson. "Most of his runs were made when it mattered, and against both Indian spin in India and the fastest Aussie and Windies bowlers too. For instance Perth 1974-5 and Bangalore 1976-77, both innings only a genius could play." Indeed. Selve argues, rightly I think, that if he were playing today Knott would probably average over 40 rather than 32.75. Expectations of a keeper were completely different Before Gilchrist.

104th over: England 280-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 143, Prior 51) Prior sweeps Yuvraj for two to reach a superb fifty, from 110 balls and with five fours. He is so good at adapting to conditions and the match situation and this has been a very careful innings. It's in keeping with his career: Prior's Test strike rate is 48 in Asia and 70 in England –

"Is it really a sackable offence to work in your underwear at the Guardian?" says Robin Hazlehurst. "I'm surprised, I thought you were all liberal and open-minded and tolerant. Or are your smalls so particularly offensive that they breach other regulations like health and safety or do have intolerant un-guardianista cartoons on them? And why I am spending my Sunday morning visualising Rob Smyth in his pants? I really wish I hadn't started this now..." What?

103rd over: England 274-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 140, Prior 48) Zaheer Khan appeals desperately for LBW against Cook. Inside edge. Next! In fact, the next ball is a beautiful inswinging yorker which Cook blocks.

"Not tempted to pop down to American Apparel at the brand spanking new Kings Cross station and pick up a pair of skinny trousers, perhaps in a fetching luminous yellow?" says James Robinson. "If you're too tight to pay for a haircut perhaps not but thought I'd throw it out there." I was thinking of going down at 11am when this finishes but I'll have died of pneumonia and/or indignity by then. Also, is "too tight to pay for a haircut" a new euphemism for baldness?

102nd over: England 271-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 139, Prior 46) So much for starting a session with your best bowlers. MS Dhoni does things differently, and he's given the ball to Yuvraj Singh. Matt Prior slices a drive in the air but safely wide of point for a couple.

"Go for the wet trousers, obviously," says John Starbuck. "You'll steam a bit and everyone will therefore give you a wide berth, but this is all good practice for the indignities of later life." The indignities of now life are quite enough.

101st over: England 266-5 (need 330 to make India bat again; Cook 139, Prior 41) Zaheer Khan starts after tea. The new ball is around 20 overs old, so there's no real sign of reverse swing. Just two singles from the over.

"Trousers excuse" is the subject of Paul King's email. "That old chestnut? Come off it mate…" There's not enough Volvic in the world to make this mess.

Matt Prior would get in an all-time England XI. Discuss I'd still go for Alan Knott, because of catches like this, but Prior really is a gem of a cricketer, surely the finest in England right now.

It's official: Alastair Cook is the second greatest batsman-captain in Test history.

Bright ideas department With such an early start, I thought it'd be a good idea to have a shower at work instead of at home. The flat's a bit cold at that hour, and the showers here are lovely: power showers, a zesty early-morning treat. What I didn't bank on what the shower hose going doolally and spraying water high in the air and all over my trousers, the left leg of which is now wet through. So I have two options: sit in the office in Y-fronts and get a P45, or sit in the office in trousers and get pneumonia. Any advice? All together now, bom bom bom …

Morning. England are in serious danger of clutching honour from the jaws of ignominy. They will still lose this game, but the performances of Matt Prior and particularly Alastair Cook, two thoroughly admirable cricketers, means they should avert the innings defeat on which you'd have staked your house 24 hours ago. England will resume on 264 for five, a deficit of 66, with Cook on 138 and Prior on 40.

TEA

100th over: England 264-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 138, Prior 40) Prior is more watchful against Ojha, seeing out the last over before tea with caution. Still, the ball kicks up from the rough, bounces off his pads and clips his gloves, prompting a diving effort at silly point that just goes down.

Two wickets and not many runs from the session but it could be enough to ensure England take this Test into the fifth day. Join Rob Smyth for the rest of today's play. Thanks for all your emails.

99th over: England 264-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 138, Prior 40) Cook edges Ashwin to first slip, the ball doesn't even get halfway to Sehwag before dying on the ground. This pitch has no life in it whatsoever. Cook cleaves a couple to Harbhajan, the sub fielder, in deep cover as if he cares about runs now.

98th over: England 262-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 136, Prior 40) Ojha is coming round the wicket to Cook, who wouldn't care if he was coming in from square leg, so unbothered does he look. He's bowling remarkably slowly too, 45mph, and the England captain works him for a lazy single. Prior then has another swipe outside the off stump, he's living dangerously at the moment.

97th over: England 261-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 135, Prior 40) Prior sweeps but is rapped on the pads in front of his stumps. Umpire Tony Hill reckons he's just outside the line. On DRS, that might have been given. In your face again BCCI. He sweeps again and is hit again in front of his stumps. He's definitely outside the line this time.

96th over: England 261-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 135, Prior 40) Prior edges onto his pad, which doesn't stop Ojha going up for a big lbw shout. Next ball, he sends down a tempting full toss but Prior picks out a fielder, much to his annoyance. With no DRS in operation, Prior then props forward, hiding his bat behind his pad and, lets the ball hit him. In your face BCCI.

95th over: England 260-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 135, Prior 39) Prior sweeps hard into the man at short leg. He comes up smiling. Another couple of singles from Ashwin's over.

"A quick question for you Tom. The lucky soul that has to get up for the first session tomorrow. Will they be sat hoping the Indians wrap this up today so they get a lie in or will they be patriotically willing England on even at the expense of sleep?" asks Phil Withall. I happen to be that lucky soul, Phil, and I'm having quite the debate with myself about it. On the one hand, this is a losing cause. On the other ... could they? Well, no, obviously. But we can hope.

94th over: England 258-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 134, Prior 38) Ojha lobs the ball outside off and Prior edges to first slip. It drops just short. Lucky from Prior. Two singles from the over.

93rd over: England 256-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 133, Prior 37) Ashwin sneaks one past Prior's outside edge and Dhoni whips his bails off. His feet are well within the crease though. He then sweeps for what I think is the first time, pouring cold water on his head immediately after to remind him not to. Bumble is talking about One Direction, N Dubz, Frank Zappa and Zoot Money on Sky. Even in a booth in Isleworth, the heat is getting to people.

92nd over: England 254-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 132, Prior 36) Ojha continues, running across the umpire and bowling from very wide of the crease. He tempts Prior outside off, and he carves thin air dangerously. That ball missed the stumps by an inch.

91st over: England 253-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 131, Prior 36) Ashwin comes on at the other end now, replacing Khan. He has figures of 28o 82r 6m 0w before this over, which is something of a surprise. He's mixing his pace to Prior, but you can't help but feel he'd be better floating it outside the off stump to tempt the England man into a hoick. Instead, Prior scampers through for two after nurdling to leg. Ashwin's last of the over is exactly the tempter outside off required and it unsettles Prior.

"I recall one occasion when, waiting to bat, I was having my usual fag (I've given up tobacco now, this was ages ago), walked out and tossed the ciggy away, faced one ball, which was a massive inswinger and bowled me through the gate, walked back, paused for a chat with the next batsman, and found my ciggy still alight. Finished it. There's more than one way to be unprepared," emails John Starbuck.

90th over: England 250-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 130, Prior 34) Cook appears not to have broken sweat yet, he could be on the village green in late June so unflustered does he look. This really has been a sensational innings. At the other end, Prior continues his good Test too. He carves Ojha (I've stopped keeping track of these bowling changes) for a four that goes right through Zaheer Khan at point. Dhoni is in a kind of inertia at the moment, setting a defensive field as he seems to be hoping the game will just do the decent thing and die.

89th over: England 244-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 129, Prior 29) Thinking about it, Chris and Kate Evans, there hasn't been too much sweeping today. Only Pietersen really - who was rightly bowled for his efforts - and one that I can remember from Cook. Perhaps lessons have been learned? Four from the over despite a disciplined line from Khan.

88th over: England 240-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 127, Prior 27) Ashwin whistles an off-spinner past the edge of Cook's bat, the England captain letting his concentration slip for a nanosecond. Prior then goes back into positive mode, lofting a leg whallop over the field for four.

"What I don't understand is this continued panic against spin," emails someone called both Chris and Kate Evans. "I reckon a problem lies because the coaches, Flower and Gooch and England's more successful players of spin, Tresco and Thorpe were all sweepers. Post DRS you can't play like they did. Miss and hit on the pad and you're gone, whereas you'd have been safe before.

"I wish the players (probably those on the fringes of the test squad) themselves would spend an entire winter in India, Pakistan or Sri Lanka playing at the highest level they can and learn to play spin properly."

87th over: England 234-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 126, Prior 22) Zaheer Khan is on now, the Dhoni revolving door policy to his bowlers continuing apace. Cook cuts him for one, before Prior bottom edges a wide ball into the ground and behind into Dhoni's gloves. He makes up for it by driving expansively next up for two. Next, he survives an impassioned lbw shout by the crafty tactic of edging the ball onto his pads. Just the 96 behind now. Nearly there lads, you can do it. Etc.

86th over: England 230-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 125, Prior 19) Ashwin, wicketless in this innings, replaces Ojha and Cook cuts him for a single. Prior blocks him for the rest of the over, putting pay to what I said in the last over.

85th over: England 229-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 124, Prior 19) A crisp clip off the pads earns Prior a single from Yadav's first ball. Later in the over, he carves another attacking stroke to cover. It is lovely to see someone play with confidence and positivity rather than appear cowed by what is, in all honesty, only a decent attack.

84th over: England 225-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 122, Prior 17) Ojha takes up the new ball from the other end and loops and flights it to Prior. He has an almighty hoick at his third, misses completely and the turn take the ball past slip. Prior leaves the next delivery and leaves Dhoni to to do the rest - his ineptness behind the stumps continues and allows a bye.

83rd over: England 224-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 122, Prior 17) Yadav angles the ball into Prior's feet, and he tickles an inside edge to the fine leg boundary. It prompts India to take the new ball a couple of deliveries later, the harder cherry being something Prior might well prefer. In fact, he does - clobbering a wide ball to point for another boundary. Still, for England to post a target they can defend here, they probably need to bat until tea tomorrow. Can anyone else see that happening? With that, let's have a drinks break.

82nd over: England 215-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 122, Prior 8) The doomed effort continues, Prior prodding runs off Ojha in the face of inevitable defeat.

Here's Iain Ruck on a tale of being unprepared: "When we hosted a Yorkshire touring team in a match about 10 years ago. Needing 1 run to win, I headed for the shower knowing that I wasn't going to bat. Our captain, trying to stymie my early bolt for the bar, suggested that I had better not as I may still be needed if 3 more wickets fell. 'I will bat in my pants if needs be,' I replied, failing to realise that our middle order was as secure as England's in their first innings and was soon taking my guard outside of leg stump."

81st over: England 212-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 122, Prior 5) England run a bye to a Dhoni mistake as Yadav continues with the old ball, then Prior latches onto some Yadav width to put away a crisp cut for four. Cook completes the over by edging one short of the one wide slip. Here's a stat: India's strike rate with pace is 55.4 and England's is 420. Good grief.

80th over: England 206-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 122, Prior 0) Cook cuts Ojha elegantly for four, then works a single. Prior attempts to play with trademark positivity. For no runs but one or two heart flutters as yet.

"I now understand England's strategy," reckons Chris Bourne. "By contiving to lose three wickets to pace bowlers we are trying to convince the Indians to play only one spinner in the next three matches. This will not make any difference to our ability to get out to any form of bowling on the sub-continent, but will at least vindicate the Flowers Doctrine. We've got them where we want them, obviously."

79th over: England 201-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 117, Prior 0) Yadav's hat-trick delivery is left well alone by Cook. The rest of the over is treated with suspicion too. Excellent over, two from it.

"At what stage does Bell start to earn his redemption?" asks Phil Withall. "Having turned into an apoplectic Daily Mail reader yesterday I was wondering when I can start being a touchy feely Guardian reader again. Oh there's my answer now, such timing. Six to eight months it is then."

78th over: England 200-5 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 116, Prior 0) The 200 finally comes up, England are just the 130 behind with five wickets remaining. The replay suggests Patel also got a faint inside edge onto that, he walked off with a right old funk on.

WICKET! Patel 0 lbw Yadav (England 199-5): See entry for Bell dismissal. Patel goes first ball. Actually he has had another bad one, that swung in from way outside off and was almost certainly heading down the leg side. It was full and fast but England are in trouble. Well, England are in more trouble.

WICKET! Bell 22 lbw Yadav (England 199-4): Yadav swings one in from outside off and it clumps Bell full on the pad. Was it doing a bit much? Possibly not. It certainly moved a fair bit in the air but was probably going to clip leg stump. He's not entirely made up for yesterday there. Bloody Ian Bell.

77th over: England 199-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 115, Bell 22) Yadav is on now, who knows who'll be bowling the next over. Could be anyone at this point, the way Dhoni is rotating things. Bell punches a back foot defensive shot down the ground and damn near gets four for it - much to his surprise. But then...

76th over: England 196-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 114, Bell 20) Dhoni shuffles his pack again, and Ojha returns. Cook works a single and decides he may as well run it, despite the fact he clearly couldn't give two monkeys for the score. Bell can't resist cutting a loose ball to the point boundary, but largely his has been a very watchful innings of 20 from 52. In marked contrast to his first 'innings'.

75th over: England 191-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 113, Bell 16) They've just pointed out on Sky that India haven't had their two seamers operating in tandem so far in this Test. England have three of them. Good old England. Zaheer meanwhile is just marking time until the spinners can get at the new ball. They do things differently here. Not that England appear to have noticed.

74th over: England 186-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 112, Bell 13) Ashwin continues and Cook nurdles a single to get off Nelson. Bell watchfully plays out much of the rest of the over, picking the carrom ball while he's at it. India are waiting for the new ball here, as this one is dead.

73rd over: England 185-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 111, Bell 12) Zaheer is varying his line, and his line of attack, coming from around the wicket and both wide of the crease and close to the stumps. He's chucking the thing down at an average of 80mph. Bell nudges a single off his hip, then Cook works another sharp one to go to a personal Nelson.

72nd over: England 183-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 110, Bell 11) An immediate change of bowling, Ashwin comes on for Ojha. He bowls a full length to Cook as the batsman steps out and smothers him. Nasser Hussain thinks he's bowling too full on Sky and, certainly when he drops one a shade shorter, Cook looks less sure of himself. Still, that's another maiden safely navigated. Hold onto your hats, this is what we're in for now.

71st over: England 183-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 110, Bell 11) Zaheer Khan bowls from the other end and it's a credit to his nous that he's getting the ball to reverse a touch. This is surely one of the greenest outfields ever seen in India - a ploy to blunt the England seamers? - but Zaheer is still finding movement. Cook blocks, leaves and becalms him before clipping the ball to leg for a single.

70th over: England 182-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 109, Bell 11) Ojha continues, three wickets shy of a 10-wicket haul. Bell manages not to dance down the wicket and chip his first ball down Tendulkar's throat. Good, good. He does cut a pitched-up ball on middle stump though, less convincingly, before offering his bat uncertainly at a slower ball that nips past the edge.

The umpires are back out, as are the India fielders. The home side still have a strangehold on this game, with England still a long way off the pace, trailing by 148. Can Bell stay with his skipper for the afternoon? Let's find out.

A stat I missed, so sue me*: Cook's century makes him the first Test captain to score three hundreds in his first three Tests as captain.

* Don't sue me.

Housekeeping dept: I'm grateful to Uthra Ganesan who clarifies: "It's not Ghambir's mother, it's his grandmother who has passed away. He was closest to her, grew up at her place." While Rohit Negi tweets to say "In India, the Test must compete today with 1) the funeral of politician Thackeray; and 2) shootout death of a famed mafia don." Yikes.

A thought to leave you on, while your OBO correspondent has a lie down and some breakfast: "Is it possible to clone Cook?" emails Kevin O'Rourke, somewhat smugly on the deck with a glass of wine in Sydney. "Maybe we could get the Skelmersdale and Bassenthwaite crochet circle to knit some more for the next test. I reckon with Captain Cook and three pearl and plain cross stitched clones we stand a chance. We could use the wool in KPs and Bells skull; plentiful supply apparently unstressed." If they could knock up a Paul Collingwood while they're at it, we could airdrop him in at six and relax for the next day and a half.

69th over: England 182-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 109, Bell 11) The first runs for three overs come when Cook clonks a full toss from Ashwin to leg. A push to leg from Bell keeps things ticking over. That Bell lbw shout in the last over looked as though it just pitched outside leg, fortunately for him something that was spotted by Aleem Dar. With that over done, should come lunch.

68th over: England 178-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 106, Bell 10) Ojha drops one just outside Bell's off stump. He couldn't leave it but didn't want to play it either. He's lucky to miss it in the end, the ball turning just past his outside edge. Two balls later Ojha bowls him another beauty which clips on the back pad and might have been given by another umpire. Fantastic over from Ojha, who is finding a bit of bounce.

"Thinking about it, we may be treating KP with undue harshness," reckons that man Chris Bourne again. "Perhaps playing a full part in the traditional middle order batting collapse is a necessary part of his reintegration process?"

67th over: England 178-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 106, Bell 10) Ashwin is back on, and Dhoni has surrounded the bat again. Cook is watchful, resisting the urge to play against the spin.

66th over: England 178-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 106, Bell 10) Bell continues to play Ojha with the same caution. If he was chucking snakes at him, he'd hardly be more careful.

"Following on, no pun intended, from Stephen's predicament (52nd over), here's one of Ganguly's cheeky secrets," emails Toby from Calcutta. "Which explains that despite his run of form he has never made a run of form."

65th over: England 178-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 106, Bell 10) Cook times a leg-side flick to the deep midwicket boundary beautifully. He could bat all year at this rate. Dhoni suspects as much too and tells his slips to do one. Then, just as I type that, Yadav strikes him on the shin just outside the line of the off stump. That was close.

64th over: England 174-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 102, Bell 10) Ojha tosses it up outside off to Cook and he spends the over either leaving or smothering the spin. He clips a lazy single to mid on to complete the over.

63rd over: England 173-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 101, Bell 10) Cook continues as he has done all morning, solid, quiet and focused. Bell then clumps a wide ball elegantly to the third man boundary. He survives an appeal for caught behind - there was certainly a noise but it appears to have come off either thigh pad or box. Fortunately he's not Stephen Horner of the 52nd over. Next, he leaves one outside off that cuts back and misses the stumps by a whisker. Looking at the replay of the KP dismissal, it's impossible to know what he was thinking. Clearly it was a premeditated shot that he played to completely the wrong ball. Has the man got no defence at all?

62nd over: England 168-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 100, Bell 6) Bell plays Ojha as if he's bowling him hand grenades. Which is as at it should be.

"Kevin must be one of the few batsman in the world who can be relied on to play the only shot that's likely to get him out against a left-hand spinner just because he thinks he can. And then gets out." says Chris Bourne. "I am now deeply sorry for my suggestion that it might be nice if we didn't see Ian Ronald until tomorrow."

61st over: England 168-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 100, Bell 6) Cook is in a bubble. Barring a disappointed flicker at both Trott and Pietersen's dismissals, it's just him and the clock out there. Despite this, he nicks safely to slip then works the ball to leg for two for his century. It's a stunning knock in the context of the game and he salutes it in very measured fashion, the job nothing like done yet. What powers of concentration. I know KP is anti-Cook but, still, he could do with some of his captain's mental stamina.

60th over: England 166-3 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 98, Bell 6) Bell prods forward at his first ball, edging safely to slip. That has to go down as an improvement. He follows it up with a sweetly timed four, driven through the covers. Which is much, much better than swaggering down the wicket and holing out to mid off. A neat two follows.

"Did we learn nothing from last winter?" barks John Goldstein, spittle flying. "Apparently not. It's not difficult is it? Two spinners and stop playing the bloody sweep shot."

WICKET! Pietersen 2 b Ojha (England 160-3) Oh dear. A full ball on leg stump has KP groping forward for an unlikely sweep. He played down entirely the wrong line, the ball going right through him and bowling him round the legs. Here comes suicide's Ian Bell.

59th over: England 160-2 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 98, Pietersen 2) Cook squirts a thick edge to point for a single, moving inexorably towards that ton. It was a full, wide ball too - one that you might expect a more dashing batsman to fling the kitchen sink at. It's a credit to him that he didn't. Pietersen played the first innings as if he had firecrackers in his boots, leaping about all over the place, and survives an optimistic lbw appeal that had everything going for it apart from the fact it came off the middle of the bat. He mistimes a short ball to leg to scamper off strike again.

58th over: England 158-2 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 97, Pietersen 1) Pietersen sets off for his traditional helter-skelter, off-the-mark single. He'll be delighted to have come in to face a left-arm spinner of course. Trott made his 17 from 43 balls incidentally - exactly the sort of scoring rate necessary, only it would have been nice if it had been 170 from 430 balls, from England's perspective.

WICKET! Trott 17 c Dhoni, b Ojha (England 156-2)Ah, Ojha was simply changing ends. He drifts one outside Trott's off stump, he pushes and edges to a ball turning away from him and Dhoni does the business behind the stumps. Here comes KP...

57th over: England 156-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 96, Trott 17) Yadav comes on, with Ojha not finding much. Dhoni reverting to the chop and change tactic which worked so well in the first innings. It gives Cook something to think about for a moment, the ball arrowing in to the stumps at pace now. He waits for one to bounce onto his hips, then simply pushes it through the leg side for four. A perfect piece of timing.

56th over: England 152-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 92, Trott 17) Ashwin bowls with slip, gully and silly point, attempting to force Cook into getting out the same way he did in the first innings - i.e. driving outside off and nicking to slip. Four singles from the over, including one from an attempted leggie so poorly disguised Ashwin may as well have yelled 'Leggie!' as he bowled it. Next, Dhoni manages to punch the ball past leg slip for a bye. "Hey! Blame the victim," howls Steve Mason, of 51st over fame.

55th over: England 147-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 90, Trott 16) After a drinks break, Ojha continues. He's not finding the fizz he had in the first innings, the pitch having died somewhat. Trott is happy to push and prod until piercing the field with a an off drive for four. Meanwhile, Guatam Gambhir is not on the pitch having returned to Delhi after the death of his mother. He'll bat at No.7 if needed.

54th over: England 143-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 90, Trott 12) A little while ago, if you wanted two batsmen to play for your life, then these would be the two. While Cook is still Mr Reliable, Jonathan Trott's average has slumped to 32 in his last 15 Tests, from 64 in his first 20. Meanwhile, Cook blocks out an over from Ashwin with hardly a worry.

53rd over: England 143-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 90, Trott 12) Cook heads into the 90s with a chop to leg. Ojha is tempting Trott forward, his great barn door pads coming down the wicket like a great barn door coming down the wicket. He drops one short and wide, though, and Trott latches onto it with relief, thrashing the ball to the point boundary.

52nd over: England 138-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 89, Trott 8) You suspect Cook could not give a flying one about a ton, instead batting for the clock. He's nine away though, which has probably jinxed him to the hilt.

"Morning! On your subject of unpreparedednesses (?)" chirps Stephen Horner. "There's never an excuse for wearing loose boxer shorts to a cricket match yet I manage it at least twice a season. Of course I don't realise until I head out to bat; box goes in, box slides out. I find my innings then largely consists of shuffling around, one hand on my crotch turning down singles at every opportunity. I've learnt that if you stand very very still, you're safe. Next season, emergency tight pants are key." This might explain Inzy's entire career.

51st over: England 137-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 88, Trott 8) First change of the morning and Ojha comes into the attack, Khan heading off to give his aching bones a break. Trott pushes a lazy flick to leg for two.

"I didn't find Ahmedabad to be unfriendly," emails Steve Mason. "Though I was mugged in the ground by a gang of locals in the 2001 Test. Surely New York is the unfriendliest place? They seem to pride themselves on it. Failing that, I've been beaten up in most places I've been to in Yorkshire." That might say more about you than them, Steve.

50th over: England 135-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 88, Trott 6) Cook and Trott rotate the strike nicely, with Ashwin attempting to get both of them driving outside off stump while he aims for the rough on either side.

49th over: England 131-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 86, Trott 4) Trott plays straight and crisp and even to Khan, who has given up on his tactic of trying to get the batsman to play across his front pad. He does have a go at a couple of bouncers though, the first barely bouncing above waist height, the second whizzing harmlessly down the leg. Realising there's not much for him on length, Khan keeps changing his line of attack. He finishes the over by going round, always trying variations.

48th over: England 131-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 86, Trott 4) Ashwin, who got Trott in the first innings, continues. He has men around the bat - leg slip, slip, short leg and silly mid off. Trott pushes a single through the offside, driving from the rough - much to Ashwin's glee. The spinner comes over the wicket to Cook, landing the ball on his leg stump for the rest of a quiet over.

47th over: England 130-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 86, Trott 3) Trott gets off the mark first ball, with India trying to get him to play across his pad and either chip to a short midwicket or be caught lbw. Dhoni goes charging down the other end to have a word with Khan, who then bowls from very wide in the crease and around the wicket. Trott works him to leg again. Meanwhile Compton can surely take heart from that innings. He must never have faced anything as tricky as following on in India so to do so in his first Test - and to stick around so long - counts as a plus for him.

46th over: England 127-1 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 86, Trott 0) That was a lovely ball from Zaheer Khan, pitching on leg and catching Compton low on the shin. Meanwhile, at the other end, Cook takes his life in his hands with a swished sweep. He gets four, while a miss would have had him out lbw.

"Along the lines of Trott and catches not taken," fibs Matthew, who has a good story anyway so what the hell. "I once managed to insert my foot into the front wheel of my bicycle and fly head over handlebars onto the pavement. Convinced my parents that the neighbour kid did it to me."

WICKET! Compton 37 lbw Khan (England 123-1) Khan goes back to over the wicket and catches Compton full in front of the stumps. Slight question of whether it pitched outside leg but, no, the replays show that was fine. Dhoni must be breathing a sigh of relief after that missed stumping. Here comes Trott, on a pair.

45th over: England 123-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 82, Compton 37) Khan comes round the wicket to Compton and the batsman is late and beaten on the inside edge. Dhoni takes a tumbling catch behind. More than a whisper of reverse now. But then ...

44th over: England 123-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 82, Compton 37) Dhoni has just missed the simplest stumping. Compton came dancing down the wicket and was entirely beaten by the flight. Dhoni simply didn't react, the ball bouncing off him and harmlessly to leg. A shocker from the Indian captain.

43rd over: England 120-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 80, Compton 36) Khan's not exactly roaring in, hurling the thing down at a lick under 80mph. But there is a suspicion of reverse, a whisper at this stage. Compton appears unperturbed and prods a sharp single to Yuvraj at point. Cook scraped home by an inch. A run out then wouldn't have been exactly ideal for England. Khan then brings one back sharply from outside off and, despite the fact it hits the bat first, Khan gives it a good appeal anyway.

42nd over: England 119-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 80, Compton 35) A silly point has come in for Compton now as Ashwin does the batsman with his other one, second ball. His third raps Compton on the pad, jagging back from well outside off but probably heading past the leg stump. Leg bye, followed by a couple of singles.

"Good morning Tom," chirps the unprepared Chris Bourne. "Not being a great cricketer, even at school, I was never very well prepared. But I suppose the nadir was coming out in suede hush puppies paired with one red and one yellow sock, on account of having to borrow boots, and discovering that nobody, but nobody, had feet as large as mine.

"Now that Hope is propping at the bar with her moth-eaten falsies and her come-hither pout, we are firmly into the jinx zone, so the least said about the match the better. It is, however, another opportunity for Ian Ronald to play a Significant Innings, as opposed to knocking off centuries at the fag end of a dead rubber. I hope we don't see him until tomorrow, though."

41st over: England 116-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 79, Compton 34) Cook chops Khan to the boundary. A full wide one outside off is not something Cook needs a second invitation for. He leaves the final ball of the over, which cut in from outside off and fizzed past his off stump.

"Re. getting into hopeless situations," emails a full and frank Harry Tuttle, at this time of the morning too. "The first time I had sex with my ex she cried. We stayed together for seven years."

40th over: England 112-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 75, Compton 34) Ashwin bowls from the other end, his wobbley-armed run-up sending a series of well-pitched-up deliveries to in and around Cook's feet. The batmsan forces a single into the leg side to remove the prospect of Nelson striking. It's a noticeably less attacking field now, with just a short leg and slip in to Compton.

39th over: England 111-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 74, Compton 34) Zaheer Khan opens proceedings coming over the wicket to Compton, with two slips waiting behind. His first three are sighters at or around the off stump, his fourth is a slower ball bowled out his knuckles which Compton blocks easily enough. An attempted yorker, with a touch of reverse, from around the wicket finishes a maiden. Nelson is is still on...

Apparently Matt Prior was in the altogether moments before he was called into bat yesterday, not expecting those above him to crumble quite so ineptly. A desperate scramble for pads, clothes and dignity ensued. So, what's the least prepared you've been before an innings - we're talking string jockstrap, and rolled up newspaper as a thigh pad? Also, in honour of Jonathan Trott, we may as well hear catches that were given that you know you didn't take too.

Early news is that the pitch has apparently not fallen apart overnight, with the weather not being quite so hot as expected. So that's something for England, who will no doubt find themselves hoping to simply bat defensively for as much of the next two days as they can manage. Which reminds me - when was the last time you got yourselves into something hopeless?

What passes for a preamble at this time of the morning: In 1999, a friend and backpacked around India in the mistaken belief (on my part) we were hippies. We arrived in Ahmedabad after 48 hours in the back of a jeep that bounced and bruised us sleeplessly over the desert. Tired, ratty and spoiling for a fight, we didn't take to the place and left as soon as we could. I wrote, in my somewhat pretentious diary, that it was "the most unfriendly place on earth".

It was a statement base on supposition, preconception and fear and is likely entirely inaccurate. Had I spent longer in town, I'm sure I would have come to have loved it. But I didn't. I high-tailed it to Bhavnagar.

I mention this not because my teenaged travelling is of interest but because it bears a parallel to England's travails. Turn up to the crease in Ahmedabad, freak out and go mad (Belly?) and you're out of there before you've had time to get the feel of the place. Take the time to stick around and soak in the atmosphere, and you might find yourselves on 111 without loss, thinking 'Bugger Bhavnagar, let's stick about'. Fortunately for England fans, that's just what Cook and Compton did last night.

England in India 2012-13India cricket teamEngland cricket teamCricketOver by over reportsTom BryantRob Smyth
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Test Notebook: Ian Bell's nightmare as England collapse against India

Alastair Cook is the only bright spot as batsmen are befuddled by the wiles of Pragyan Ojha

MAN OF THE DAY

Pragyan Ojha took his fourth five-wicket haul in six Tests. The highlight was the wicket of Kevin Pietersen, who was befuddled by a delivery that straightened to hit middle.

RUNNER-UP

Alastair Cook was able to put England's woes aside and focus entirely on his batting, following up his first innings 41 with a superbly authoritative 74 not out when they followed on.

NON-SHOCK OF THE DAY I

Geoffrey Boycott's mother could have handled subcontinental pitches as well as Ian Bell, Five Live listeners learned.

NON-SHOCK OF THE DAY II

The absence of DRS led to a number of controversial decisions that would have been overturned on review. If that wasn't a surprise, that most of the errors came from Aleem Dar certainly was.

VILLAIN OF THE DAY

Hundreds of Test batsmen have fallen for a golden duck but none quite like Ian Bell, who played a startlingly dunderhead shot, chipping his first ball high to mid-off.

ROB SMYTH'S STATWATCH

Pragyan Ojha's dismissal of Matt Prior was the 100th Test wicket by a slower bowler against England in 2012. In 2011 they managed 19 … Kevin Pietersen fell to left-arm spin for the 24th time in his Test career … In the first innings of the first Test of their three series in Asia this year, England have been dismissed for 191, 192 and 193.

England in India 2012-13India cricket teamEngland cricket teamCricketRob Smyth
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Arsenal v Tottenham Hotspur - as it happened

Emmanuel Adebayor scored and was sent off in the first 20 minutes as Arsenal beat Spurs 5-2 for the second time this year

Rob Smyth

India v England – live! | Andy Bull and Rob Smyth

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21st over: England 56-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 33, Compton 23) "To save his reputation to some degree, what Ian Bell must do is, firstly, make a double century at least, secondly, take the score a long way into the positive to set a decent target and, thirdly, take at least seven catches at Insanely Stupid Short Leg to knock the stuffing out of the Indians (off Pietersen's bowling)," says John Starbuck. "Incidentally, I'm wearing the Is is cowardly … T-shirt but only because it's been relegated to nightwear and I haven't got round to getting dressed yet."

20th over: England 56-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 33, Compton 23) Ojha is back into the attack, replacing Zaheer Khan. Compton works a couple through square leg. England's progress is almost too serene. It makes you suspicious, like a horror film whose first 20 minutes involves teenagers cheerily celebrating life and then suddenly one of them walks round a corner and onto a pickaxe.

Drinks break Crikey, what a find this is: David Hookes's famous 34-ball century in 1982-83. Listen the sound his bat makes!

19th over: England 53-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 32, Compton 21) Ojha is back on the field. That's a surprise, although he's still holding his elbow like its a wounded kitten. Cook clips Ashwin round the corner for four to bring up England's first fifty partnership of the match. He and Compton have played really well.

18th over: England 47-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 27, Compton 21) The third-change bowler Zaheer Khan replaces the injured Ojha and Compton easily plays out the over. England are winning this session. England are winning. England have won. "Awful cricket shots," says Prahalad Bhat. "May I suggest, as a group entry, every single Shahid Afridi dismissal, ever?"

17th over: England 46-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 27, Compton 19) Compton, attempting to drive Ashwin, squirts an edge all along the ground for four. Then Ojha injures his right elbow while making a sliding stop at midwicket. He's on his back, clearly in pain, and is going to leave the field. It's hard to know just how serious it might be, although I doubt we'll see him bowl again today. It would be an obvious blow to India if he is unable to bowl again in the match. England might yet avoid an innings defeat.

16th over: England 39-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 26, Compton 13) Too short from Ojha, and again Cook flashes a cut stroke to the boundary. England are probably having their best period of the match. No, this is not saying much.

15th over: England 35-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 22, Compton 13) Ashwin has also switched, to the Adani Pavilion End, where he took all his first-innings wickets. In short, we're all doomed. England look fairly secure actually, but you know what's coming. We all know what's coming, and it's not happiness.

"Please find attached a link to the single most idiotic, pathetic, embarrassing, humiliating, disgraceful, desultory, excruciatingly
awful dismissal I have seen from an English batsman," says Eric Stephenson. "Bell has got previous." This not dissimilar dismissal, suggested by Chris Evans, is a gem too.

14th over: England 35-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 22, Compton 13) Ojha has switched to the GMDC End, where he took all his first-innings wickets. Compton, who looks relatively comfortable now, works a single to leg. "This shocker from Brad Haddin in Australia's capitulation at the hands of South Africa last year almost makes Bell look sensible," says Lewis Owen-Beckwith.

13th over: England 34-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 22, Compton 12) Virender Sehwag comes on to bowl his part-time offspin and so nearly strikes with his fourth ball. Cook felt a little lazily outside off stump and edged the ball a fraction short of Kohli at slip.

12th over: England 33-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 22, Compton 11) A bad ball from Ashwin is cut for four with the minimum of fuss by Cook, who then drives sweetly through extra cover for four more. In the context of what has happened at the other end, he has batted beautifully in this game.

Okay, here's a question: in view of Ian Bell's gift to comedy earlier in the day, what would you nominate for The Joy of Six: awful cricket shots. (With YouTube links if possible.) I'll start with this old favourite from Beefy, who was still on nought, against Australia in 1989.

11th over: England 25-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 12, Compton 11) Nothing whatsoever is happening. This is often the way in India, of course, and then one wicket brings ten.

10th over: England 24-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 12, Compton 11) It's spin from both ends now, for the first time in the innings. A quiet over from Ashwin. "Morning Rob," says Jon France. "A wave of 90s nostalgia swept over me this morning on waking to the news that after being 22 not out over night, Cook is
still there, 12 not out."

9th over: England 23-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 12, Compton 11) Cook skips down the track to hustle the returning Ojha over midwicket for four. That's a fine shot indeed. England will be cautiously pleased with their start to this innings.

"I really wish Paul Collingwood still played for England," says Simon McMahon. He would love this challenge. He'd have made 38 not out from 149 balls in the first innings.

8th over: England 16-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 6, Compton 10) Compton is stretching as far forward as possible to smother the spin of Ashwin, who switches around the wicket as a consequence. The first ball from that angle is too straight and tucked round the corner for a couple, and then Compton gets a reverse sweep away for four. I wonder how many people have scored their first Test-match boundary with a reverse sweep.

"Everyone's focusing in how rapidly England have gone from invincible to a shambles – but how have India turned it around from the shambles of their England tour?" says Mark Hooper. "It can't just be conditions, there seems to be a totally different attitude." I think it is mainly conditions. They were hammered 4-0 in Australia as well, and if these two sides played in England you'd expect England to hammer them again.

7th over: England 10-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 6, Compton 4) The new ball is doing nothing for Yadav. I'm not sure why Dhoni isn't bowling spin from both ends. I suppose it's all for his amusement, a cat toying with a dying mouse because it wants to, and because it can.

6th over: England 8-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 5, Compton 3) Ashwin replaces Ojha. His run-up is fascinating: he almost looks like a left-arm spinner with the way he attacks the stumps. Three from the over. Cook looks comfortable, Compton less so. What a hideous situation in which to make your Test debut.

5th over: England 4-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 3, Compton 1) Compton gets off the mark, working Yadav to leg for a single. "How about X-Factor style open auditions before the next Test?" says Thom Pierce. "At least it would make losing more interesting and with a public vote we would feel more invested in the team."

And after this week's public vote, I can exclusively reveal that the bottom two are ... Ian Bell and Ian Bell.

4th over: England 2-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 2, Compton 0) Compton defends fairly comfortably in that Ojha over. The problem is that he seems to have very few scoring shots: 57 of his 65 deliveries in this match have been dot balls.

3rd over: England 2-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 2, Compton 0) MS Dhoni was pointing a finger pretty aggressively at Aleem Dar at the end of Ojha's over. That didn't look good at all. Dhoni is one of the most charismatic, interesting men in cricket but he was out of order there. It was also a bit pointless, given the match situation. On Sky, David Lloyd – a big advocate of having yellow and red cards for player behaviour – says he would have given Dhoni a yellow.

2nd over: England 0-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 0, Compton 0) India have a completely different new-ball pair. In the first innings it was Ashwin and Zaheer; this time it's Yadav and Ojha. Compton survives a huge LBW shout second ball. It looked out live, but replays suggested it was a fine decision from Aleem Dar. The ball didn't straighten quite enough and would probably have gone down leg. There may also have been an inside edge. Another maiden, uncomfortably survived buy Compton.

"A JAR OF FREE HOMEMADE CHUTNEY sourced from Brighton's cutest new coffee shop, Lark on Lowther, to cheer up depressed UK-based OBO readers who donate £10 or more to my sponsored bike ride across Rajasthan in aid of the children's cancer charity CLIC Sargent," writes my colleague Steph Fincham. "(Please leave your address on my JustGiving page.)"

1st over: England 0-0 (need 330 to avoid an innings defeat; Cook 0, Compton 0) Umesh Yadav, who wasn't used until the 48th over in the first innings, has graduated to the new ball, and he starts with a maiden. It won't be easy for Cook to clear his head of extraneous thoughts and concentrate solely on batting. He pushes forward a little tentatively to the fifth ball and is beaten.

"Back in the day, I always thought the second innings was like the second life in Super Mario," says Abhishek Rayasam. "I always figured going through the same level all over again would be so much easier – and always hit the first turtle that came along again. Hope it works out better for England for the sake of the game." My money's on the turtle.

A poem from Simon McMahon

"Apologies to Baldrick.

'The England batsmen'

WICKET WICKET WICKET WICKET
WICKET WICKET WICKET
WICKET WICKET WICKET WICKET
WICKET WICKET WICKET"

That last wicket from Ojha was the 100th by a spinner in Tests against England in 2012. Those wickets have come at an average of 23.57. In 2011, slow bowlers took just 19 English wickets in Tests at an average of 82.73. You'll be pleased to know that England are cruising towards the record for wickets taken by spinners against them in a calendar year: 109 in 1993. They might even beat it in this innings.

Preamble We knew England would probably lose. We knew they might lose heavily. But did the manner of it have to be so bloody predictable? It's almost offensively cliched.

TEA

Rob Smyth will be here in ten minutes or so, so please send your emails to him now, at rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk. I am going to lie down in a dark room.

England are 330 runs behind, and a world away from even beginning to be able to compete. India batted for just under two days. England have been bowled out in just over two sessions.

WICKET! Prior 48 b Ojha (England 191) This farce is over.

74th over: England 189-8 (Prior 48, Swann 0) Swann is almost out to the very first ball, as he, like Broad, is baffled by Zaheer's reverse swing. Umpire Dar reckons it was going down the leg-side. It seems almost heretical to say this, but he seems to be making a few ropey decisions in this match, which isn't like him at all. This one looked a lot more out than the one before it.

WICKET! Broad 25 lbw Zaheer (England 187-9) It's almost over now, for the first innings at least. Broad is given out lbw by Dar, though it wasn't a stone dead decision.

74th over: England 179-8 (Prior 48, Broad 25) Four leg byes as Zaheer's line drifts too far over. Broad then punches the next delivery down the ground for three.

73rd over: England 179-8 (Prior 48, Broad 22) "Reasons to be cheerful?" asks Phil Russell. "Say what you like about the Caledonian Road but i got a great deal on a mobile phone there from a bloke outside a pub last night. Only wanted 20 quid for it. Top stuff."

72nd over: England 177-8 (Prior 47, Broad 21) Zaheer beats the outside of Broad's bat with a little away-swinger. Later in the over he brings one back the other way, and hits him on he pads in front of leg. "Gardening done, wine in hand" says Phil Withall, who I can only presume is in a different time zone to me. "Your point about the Indian quicks outperforming their English counterparts makes me wonder if there is a psychological hurdle in their minds. The fact that spin is the most effective form in India has probably instilled a subconscious negativity - 'Its all about spin, I'll struggle out here'. Might well play a factor." Possibly, Phil, possibly. Or perhaps they're just a bunch of chumps.

71st over: England 177-8 (Prior 47, Broad 21) A close lbw shout from Ashwin, against Prior. But it's not close enough. He's England's top-scorer now. Later in the over he tries a reverse sweep, and the ball pops up in the air to a close fielder. Again, India appeal. And again, it's not out.

70th over: England 171-8 (Prior 41, Broad 21) "It's absolutely bucketing it down here in Singapore," says Nicholas Stone. "A real electrical storm. I'm dancing around right now in a forlorn attempt to shepherd some of it towards India." Just as Yadav is quicker than any of the English seamers, Zaheer is finding more movement than any of them too. England, I'm afraid, are being out-performed by India's fast bowlers too. He swings one back in to Broad, who slices the ball just past his stumps.

69th over: England 166-8 (Prior 37, Broad 20) Four more for Broad to start the over, and then, to end it, a mighty six down the ground. It was the carrom ball, but it could just as well have been a doosra, a teesra, an arm ball or anything else you'd care to name, because Broad was going to clobber it regardless. That's 14 from the over. "Trying to stay positive, all we need is for Broad and Prior to put together a partnership like Broad and Trott at Lord's and we'll be right back in the game," cries Ed Battison. "Nurse, more pills!"

68th over: England 152-8 (Prior 36, Broad 6) Yup.

67th over: England 150-8 (Prior 34, Broad 6) Broad knows what he wants to do, and wallops his first ball through mid-wicket for four.

WICKET! Bresnan 19 c Kohli b Ojha (England 144-8) Bresnan comes half-forward, and gets a thick edge that flies to gully. He lasted 60 balls, which is ten more than Anderson, Trott, Bell, and Pietersen managed between them.

67th over: England 144-7 (Prior 34, Bresnan 19) Ojha replaces Ashwin. And, well, you can guess what is coming...

66th over: England 143-7 (Prior 34, Bresnan 19) A maiden by Khan. In Mirpur, Bangladesh appear to have pretty much given up the chase and are trying to save the draw instead. England fans aren't really in a position to comment on the rights and wrongs of that policy.

65th over: England 143-7 (Prior 34, Bresnan 19) At the risk of turning this OBO into a victim's support group, will the rest of you indulge me while I reply to Alex Marsh? "You didn't have your phone nicked on Caledonian Road by any chance? Last year I had the very same thing happen to me (hoodie, bike, snatch) when walking hope from the pub completely not drunk at all. Did you follow it up with the attempt to catch them? I did. Pointless AND humiliating." Yes, it was on Caledonian Road. Yes it was a kid in a hoodie on a bike. And yes, I did make a very brief effort to chase him, but ultimately settled for demeaning myself further still by shouting foul abuse at his back as he disappeared down the road, immediately abandoning all my left wing principles, deciding to start buying the Daily mail, and resolving to vote for someone far to the right of the Tory party at the next election.

64th over: England 140-7 (Prior 33, Bresnan 17) Bresnan is very nearly bowled by a ball that ricocheted off his bat onto his pads and, almost, into the stumps. In his panic he shapes to hoof it into row z, before realising, a little sheepishly, that he doesn't really need to because the ball has dropped stone dead on the pitch.

63rd over: England 138-7 (Prior 32, Bresnan 16) "Ian Bell is one of only two cricketers (the other was Geraint Jones) who've annoyed me so much over the years that I've learnt their middle name to shout at the telly," says Ed Battison. "Obviously makes no difference to them but it makes me feel better to shout Ian RONALD Bell when he's done something stupid again."

62nd over: England 136-7 (Prior 31, Bresnan 15) Zak's back in the attack. Prior edges his first ball towards slip, but the ball falls well short. Later in the over he drives four past point. Of course, it feels as though he's showing his colleagues up here, but you have to remember he's has the luxury of playing a fast bowler, rather than being confronted by a spinner at both ends, for most of the time he has been in the middle. Mike Thorley, you've done more for my morale with this one email than any other single thing that's happened in the last 12 hours: "I share your pain regarding coppers and reporting nicked mobile phones. Wandering down the main street of a what, with hindsight, was a use-your-hands-free north Parisian suburb, a burly young chap tapped me on the left shoulder and snatched the phone from my right hand. Bold as brass he looked me in eye and walked at a leisurely pace into a towerblock a couple of hundred metres down the road. My natural inner coward let him stroll off as I strolled to the local police station. Once I'd finished the report the young police officer commented that the theft was quite unusual. "Mobile snatched in street unusual, surely not", muttered I , incredulously, only to be greeted with a withering "Well it's the first time I've had it reported by a man, it usually happens to women and children round here." Felt much better for that."

61st over: England 132-7 (Prior 27, Bresnan 15) Bresnan ambles onwards, unflustered. He takes four from this over.

60th over: England 126-7 (Prior 27, Bresnan 10) In times like this, what can we do but turn to Gary Naylor? "I'm actually wearing the "Cowardly" T-shirt now. And the answer is no."

59th over: England 126-7 (Prior 26, Bresnan 10) Ashwin replaces Dhoni, and utterly foxes Bresnan with a carrom ball, flicked out of the fingers and breaking away from the bat. It flew low to Sehwag, who dropped the catch. India's fielding has been typically poor - the one blemish on their performance so far. What a luxury of resources the Indian captain seems to have at his disposal, in comparison to the paucity of options Cook had to pick from. This is an excellent email from Simon Babar, who, I can only presume, is writing from Celesteville: "Taking a step back, test cricket is back after a gap of a few months (not just here, but in Aus and Bangladesh too). Also focusing on this game, the shellacking we are taking should mean The Management look at some of the "certainties" that they seem to have adopted - Bell, Broad, balance. And it does give Cook a chance to put a stamp on his team and impose some authority (like Strauss/flower 2009). On the Bell point and the discussions in over 54 - I think it is telling that Bell has never been considered for a position of authority in this team - never talked about as captain, vice-captain or even chief ball polisher. And he has been in the team solidly barring injury since 2005(?) except for that brief spell in 2009."

58th over: England 121-7 (Prior 25, Bresnan 6) A single off Yadav's latest over. Looks to have the makings of a good bowler, this chap. "If it makes you feel any better it's been raining all day here in Santa Barbara," says Tim Jones, as though here in England we have constant sunshine. "Plus I went for a shingles vaccination this morning, and then we backed out of the parking space smack into the car backing out of the one opposite. Nobody hurt though. Back on Merseyside the other driver would have emerged saying (a) he had been stationary and (b) his neck hurt. But this is California so after some mutual good will we were on our way."

57th over: England 120-7 (Prior 24, Bresnan 6) Bresnan, looking more confident against Ojha than any English batsman other than Cook, plays out a maiden with a minimum of fuss.

56th over: England 120-7 (Prior 24, Bresnan 6) Just another 206 needed to avoid the follow on now. Yadav floats up a slower ball, and Prior whacks it to cover. Later in the over, though, he plays a lovely crisp cover drive for four. "Reasons to be cheerful?" asks Dan Stagg. "We can now all joyously retrieve our 'Is it cowardly' T-shirts from the murky depths of whatever cupboard they were slung when it became just too hypocritical to wear them whilst beating the Aussies home and away and marching inexorably to number one. Unlike our batsman, we English cricket fans are now firmly back in our comfort zone."

55th over: England 115-7 (Prior 20, Bresnan 5) There are four men close in on the off-side for Bresnan, but he manages to thump the ball past them all for four. "I can't believe the negativity sallying forth from the interwebs at me," insists Grant Cartledge. "Can't you see the tactics here? We have them exactly where we want them! Cook realised the only way to win this game having lost the toss is to not bat last on this track. So he clearly decided to set such a woefully low first innings score to ensure the follow on gets enforced, we then get a quick-fire 600 in the second innings and skittle them out for around a 100 on the last day. Job done. Oh, wait a mo, someone's just come in - yes nurse, I'll have my medications now please."

54th over: England 110-7 (Prior 20, Bresnan 0) Yadav, who looks much the fastest bowler in the match, will continue. I like this email from Luke Richardson. It is cruel, but there a grain of truth in it: "Just catching up on the OBO and reading about Bell's dismissal reinforces my heavily researched view that he's just a bit stupid and, if anything, a product of his media training. He's always so keen to present the right view of himself that he basically out thinks himself. There are many more ways to bat positively in this situation than to strut out like Steve Waugh and then walk down the wicket and limply poke one 30 yards. When the run out snafu happened at Trent Bridge I seem to recall Bell being asked to comment and making no sense whatsoever. It was left to Rahul Dravid (first language: not English - again, heavily researched) to very articulately disarm the situation. Would it make more sense for him to throw all the Positive Mental Attitude out of the window, and just go out and bat?" Deary me, you should have been there to see the tangle Bell got himself into in his first press conference after Steve Davies came out a couple of years ago.

53rd over: England 110-7 (Prior 20, Bresnan 0) So, Ojha starts after lunch, and his very first ball beats Bresnan's bat and hits him in front of leg stump. "Ow'zat?" asks Dhoni, with an air that suggests 'I don't really mind either way, because if he's not out now he will be soon enough.'"

Back to the slaughter board for England. Here come the batsmen.

Meanwhile, in Mirpur, Bangladesh need another 189 from 57 overs to beat the West Indies in the first Test, but they only have six wickets left to do it with.

In all my excitement, I realise I haven't taken a moment to stress this: India have been wonderful in almost every way. They are halfway through a perfect Test match performance.

If you wonder why I am singling out Broad from the bowlers, here are some stats from the marvelous Andy Zaltzman, who has a Smyth-like ability for digging out gems on Statsguru: "The combined analysis for Broad's last six opening spells in Tests is: 0-107 off 36 overs. His previous eight opening spells before that returned 8-118 off 41. In Engand's last six bowling innings, Broad has taken one wicket in the first 50 overs."

Really, at the risk of sounding curmudgeonly, I think Flower and Cook need to give this team a kick in the arse right now. Just as Flower and Strauss did in Kingston when the team were bowled out for 51 by the West Indies. Some of the senior players - and I am talking about Stuart Broad, Ian Bell, and, to a much lesser extent, Jon Trott - need the stick, not the carrot here. They need to know that if they're going to fall so far below the standard expected, then their places aren't safe anymore. Especially when there are young alternatives available in the squad.

"For a senior player," says Athers of Ian Bell's dismissal, "that was disgraceful. After that he can take as much paternity leave as he wants." Nick Knight agrees. "This is indefensible. I cannot find any way of defending this. This is his first ball of the Test match, he's walked out and thought 'I'm Ian Bell and I'm going to hit you back over your head.' No, no you're not."

A quick public service announcement: Use the manual refresh button if you find you're missing descriptions of the wickets. It's not us, it's the tools.

LUNCH

So, how are those reasons to be cheerful working out for you? Keep them coming, those of you that still have any. Alternatively, I'll also welcome more suggestions for otherwise awful activities that are still, at the moment, preferable to sitting through this shambles. Like spreading tree bark.

52nd over: England 110-7 (Prior 20, Bresnan 0) Prior cuts four past point, and then swings and misses at another wide one from Yadav in an attempt to repeat the shot. And that, ladies and gents, is lunch.

51st over: England 106-7 (Prior 16, Bresnan 0) Otherwise unpleasant things that are still preferable to being an England cricket fan right now, No1 in an ongoing series: "My wife, being sensitive to the pitiful aura that has engulfed me this afternoon, has just arranged the delivery of 2 cubic metres of shredded tree bark. I can now go into the garden and spread this over the the garden beds. This will take my mind of the cricket and take me up to wine o'clock. A course of events I would strongly recommend to all readers at a loose end."

50th over: England 105-7 (Prior 15, Bresnan 0) Yadav almost yorks Bresnan with a rather brilliant little reverse-swinging yorker.

49th over: England 105-7 (Prior 15, Bresnan 0) Prior sweeps four away square, and brings up the 100. Later in the over he hits another boundary, this time out to cover. He seems to be taking this all in his stride.

WICKET! Patel 10 lbw Yadav (England 97-7) Samit looks sick as a parrot, and I can't say I blame him. That's a shoddy sort of decision from umpire Dar. He's been given out to a delivery that looked to be going down the leg side. He had been playing well, too, or at least finding a way to stay at the crease. Once he's picked up his jaw, he strolls sulkily off.

48th over: England 97-6 (Patel 10 Prior 7) Here, at last, is Umesh Yadav. They do do things differently in India, don't they? Here, it is the quick bowler who is getting a token over or two before lunch. Patel clips two runs away to square leg.

47th over: England 95-6 (Patel 8 Prior 7) Prior survives an lbw appeal after padding up, possibly because it hit him just a little too high on the pad. And then he's dropped by deep mid-wicket, after slapping a full toss straight to Zaheer Khan. It would have been an ugly dismissal, if Zaheer hadn't fumbled the chance.

46th over: England 86-6 (Patel 6 Prior 2) Yuvraj continues, with another cheap over.

45th over: England 86-6 (Patel 5 Prior 1) Ashwin is back on, from the other end. "Reason to be cheerful?" asks Dom Wright When back at No. 1 some time next decade it'll be all the sweeter for lows such as this." Dominic, an optimist, said Ambrose Bierce, is "a proponent of the doctrine that black is white." Oh my goodness. Iron Bottom has just said "Of all the shots, Ian Bell's is probably the one I can most live with." It is such a preposterous thing to say, that Nick Knight - Nick Knight! The blandest, most inoffensive man in cricket - immediately shoots him down in flames. And to be fair to Iron Bottom, he then changes his mind and explains that basically Bell's shot is what he would have done in that situation, simply because he would have been so hacked off at the state of play before he came in.

44th over: England 86-6 (Patel 4 Prior 1) Yuvraj is going to get a little bowl now, which seems a strange sort of move from Dhoni. It's worth remembering at this point that Umesh Yadav, batting at No11, still hasn't had a bowl.

43rd over: England 85-6 (Patel 4 Prior 1) Ian Bell is going to be a broken man after that dismissal. I'll be surprised if he even makes it out of bed to get back to the ground for the second innings. He's going to need years of therapy to recover from this. "Even I'm bored and tired now," says my sports desk mucker Barry Glendenning, harking back to his long-standing dispute with another old colleague about Bell's merits as a batsman. "Bell etc. booth. Wisden ed. etc. yawn."

42nd over: England 85-6 (Patel 4 Prior 1) "If it's any consolation at all, I had so many such moments last summer as the Indians played one hapless and desperate shot after another against an English attack that was simply relentless. They showed no desire to be there at all. I think we've all got to get used to the idea that our players aren't as great as they look at home - but by the same token, they aren't so bad as they look abroad." That's a kind and generous email, Sankaran Krishna, but where's the fun in being reasonable? For those of you wondering what's happening in the middle, by the way, every over is bringing at least one or two raucous lbw shouts or edges that fly past a fielder. Patel is plumb lbw here, but survives through nothing other than the generosity of umpire Dar.

41st over: England 81-6 (Patel 4 Prior 1 Hope 0) I think Graham Gooch just got a text telling him that his dog has been shot. how else to explain his ashen pallor?

WICKET! Cook 41 c Sehwag b Ashwin (England 80-6) Look, just shut your eyes, and set your alarm clock for January 2013. Cook, who has played better than any of his teammates, is caught at slip, beaten by an off break that dipped, spun, snicked off the edge and flew to Sehwag.

39th over: England 78-5 (Cook 39, Patel 4) "Including this match, Ian Bell now averages 27.75 in 32 innings over his 18 tests in India/Sri Lanka/Pakistan/UAE," says Amirali Abdullah. "This is a fairly non-trivial statistical sample now - should Bell be dropped because he can't play competent spin well? Remember, Johnny Bairstow scored 149 runs in his last test match, but the conventional wisdom is that he was dropped because he isn't as secure against the tweakers of the ball." He's about to jump before he is pushed. Unless he scores runs in the second innings, I'd be pretty surprised if we see him again in this series given that both Morgan and Bairstow made runs in the warm-up matches.

38th over: England 75-5 (Cook 38, Patel 2) Ashwin is back on, and he has raced through a maiden over to Patel.

37th over: England 75-5 (Cook 38, Patel 2) "Never in the field of cricket conflict," writes Adam Hirst, "have so many over-rated one batsman by so much for so few." It wasn't the fact that he got out first ball. It was the manner of it, the fact that he couldn't even begin to find a way to try and cope with this situation. Pietersen, for instance, played awfully today, and looked all over the place, but at least he tried to find a way to stay in. He didn't just walk in, whack one to mid-off, and walk off again. None of the English batsmen are going to find this easy - the pitch is turning, the bowling is good, and their techniques can't cut it - but at least the others are trying. "Hard to disagree with you re: Bell's dismissal. There are times when a statement-of-intent shot is appropriate," says Dave Adams. "Fair to say 69/4 chasing 500 is not one of them. Gooch's face is priceless though."

36th over: England 75-5 (Cook 38, Patel 2) For all that I'm hammering Bell here, I've just realised that I'm drinking my coffee out of a mug that says 'Yummy Mummy' on the side in big pink letters. Oh dignity, why hast thou forsaken me?

35th over: England 70-5 (Cook 34, Patel 1) "I really wouldn't like to be Ian Bell right now," says Phil Withall. "And I really, really wouldn't want to be Ian Bell when Cook gets back into the dressing room. Maybe someone should have told him it was a test match and not the last over of a T20 match. He's ruined my Saturday." The only shred of an excuse I can think of for him is that you can see what he was trying to do - be positive, break the shackles, refuse to allow the bowler to dictate to him - all that jazz. But it was just so poor: witless, gutless, brainless. When Strauss first became captain, and England were routed in Kingston, he dropped Bell simply to make a point. Cook must be tempted to do the very same thing, if only Bell wasn't about to fly home anyway.

Go back to bed. Just pull up the duvet and go back to bed.

England: Up The Creek - Without a Clue (Cook 34 Patel 0) Cook survives the hattrick ball, just, but only because the edge he sent to slip was too low for the fielder to catch. Then he's within a whisker of being out lbw. The pressure on umpire Hill as he contemplates whether or not to give him out is enormous, with 15,000 people roaring for him raise his finger. He doesn't, and Cook bats on.

WICKET! Bell 0 c Tendulkar b Ojha (England 69-5) l cannot not believe this. I mean really, really, that may be the single most idiotic, pathetic, embarrassing, humiliating, disgraceful, desultory, excruciatingly awful dismissal I have seen from an English batsman in five years of writing over-by-over cricket coverage. Really, that's not a joke, or an exaggeration. It is a good thing Ian Bell is about to fly home to be there for the birth of his child, because if he wasn't - barring a hundred in the second innings - I would really suggest that he should have been dropped from the team on the strength of that shot alone. Mercy me. To recap: Ian Bell walked out to the middle, in the most jaunty, cocksure fashion, marked his guard, took a step down the wicket and chipped a catch straight - and I mean straight - to mid-off. It was, truly, the shot of a moron. He's gone for a golden duck.

WICKET! Pietersen 17 b Ojha (England 69-4) He tried, he really did, but for all his effort Pietersen has looked uncomfortable against Ojha all morning long. And now, at last, he succumbs to him, beaten by a ball that drifted in, and then span back past the bat into the stumps. The dismissal came hard on the heels of an lbw shout.

32nd over: England 69-3 (Cook 34 Pietersen 16) After eating the first half of my cheese sandwich, I've one less reason to be cheerful. If you're wondering why I'm feeling especially hacked off today, by the way - and it is a little disconcerting that judging by the lack of emails on the topic my especially bleak tone doesn't seem to be so very different from my regular one - I had my phone nicked yesterday evening, by a bloke in a hoodie on a bike. I went to the police station to report and - I promise you - the cop asked me if I had a mobile number so he could contact me. Anyway, easy come, easy go. It's more the prospect of the mountain of paperwork I'm facing from the insurance company that is getting me down.

31st over: England 69-3 (Cook 34 Pietersen 16) Pietersen is equal to the first four balls of Ojha's over, but is beaten all ends up by the fifth, which rips past his outside edge and draws forth cries from the close fielders as it does so.

30th over: England 69-3 (Cook 34 Pietersen 16) The first bowling change of the day brings Zaheer Khan into the attack, and he bowls a maiden to Cook. Umesh Yadav must wonder what he's supposed to do with himself. Three days into the match and he hasn't had a bat or a bowl.

29th over: England 69-3 (Cook 34 Pietersen 16) KP edges the ball past slip for a single. And then Cook is damn-near at short leg caught off the next ball. Or at least so India's appeal would have you think. In fact the ball came straight off the pad, and never made contact with the bat.

28th over: England 67-3 (Cook 33 Pietersen 15) Ashwin finally serves up a bad ball, a rank full toss from over the wicket. Cook's eyes open wide, and he wallops it for four through mid-wicket. For all Pietersen's travails at the other end, Cook is playing wonderfully well. The captaincy suits him.

27th over: England 62-3 (Cook 28 Pietersen 15) Cook cuts four away square off Ojha. "Reasons to be cheerful?" asks Rory Martin. "Have you tried a very small measure of decent Scotch?" Sure, because alcohol is a notoriously good cure for depression.

26th over: England 57-3 (Cook 24 Pietersen 15) Ashwin bowls his overs so quickly, I've hardly time to start typing before it is time to move on. This was yet another maiden. His current spell is 8-5-6-2. Preposterous. A little caption flashes up and tells us that 29% of the viewers in India think this match will be over today. They've obviously got a lot of faith in England's ability to knock the deficit off sometime soon after lunch.

25th over: England 57-3 (Cook 24 Pietersen 15) Pietersen plays one with the spin, for once, almost as though that snick to slips in the last over reminded him that he doesn't need to try and shovel everything through the leg side. He plays outside then line of the last ball of the over, and is hit in front of off stump. India appeal, but umpire Hill shakes his head. Dhoni isn't happy about it, and strolls up to the umpire to grumble at him about the decision. "They do have a system for things like this Mahi, you know," Hill may or may not have said. "It is called the DRS."

24th over: England 53-3 (Cook 24 Pietersen 11) I don't think I've ever seen two bowlers race through their overs at such a rapid rate as these two are right now. "Re KP looking edgy this morning: Am I right in seeing that he has a leg stump guard and will soon edge one to the slips off Ojha with his current mind set?" I reckon you might well be, Rachit Gupta. "I am bloody confused whether he will make a daddy 100 or go cheaply this morning. Please use either email as per situation." I'll just ask people to delete as appropriate. And seeing as you asked so nicely, yes, i will give a plug to what you describe as "the mighty West Bergholt Cricket Club".

23rd over: England 53-3 (Cook 24 Pietersen 11) Pietersen finally middles one, flicking four through mid-wicket. It's only a fleeting victory though, because the very next delivery squirts off the outside edge and loops up towards slip. Pietersen's surviving, but he seems to be dodging a bullet every other ball right now.

22nd over: England 49-3 (Cook 24 Pietersen 7) Ashwin races through another maiden over. "Being from Somerset, my initial reason to be cheerful was the call up of Nick Compton..." says Liam Drew. "9 from 53 was definitely more the 2010/11 vintage. Fingers crossed for the second innings. Be nice if that were after India bat again, wouldn't it?" I'm a Somerset fan myself, Liam. And the funny thing is that you and I both know Nick Compton isn't even the best opening batsmen at the club, nevermind in the country.

21st over: England 49-3 (Cook 24 Pietersen 7) Pietersen is all at sea here. He should have been stumped down the leg side off the first ball, but Dhoni missed his chance. The ball runs away for four leg byes. And then he was very nearly lbw to the next delivery. The Indian broadcaster has just put up a caption on the screen asking viewers to vote now to say whether or not they think this match is going to make it to a fourth day. "Reasons to be cheerful?" asks Phil Withall. "Paul Collingwood's soothing tones on the commentary. And the chance that, if K.P continues to sprint down the wicket in search of a shot, I'll hear him say "hadaway an shite" or some such Geordie gem." Hadaway is sh!te, he's right.

20th over: England 41-3 (Cook 23 Pietersen 6) And at the other end, it is Ravi Ashwin. He's bowling around the wicket to Cook, looking to turn the ball from the rough outside off-stump. It's a maiden. I enjoyed that last email from Dave Adams about educating his two-year-old in the ways of being an England fan. You can't start too young, Dave. I hope you held a radio up to your wife's belly when she was expecting so that young Adams could get accustomed to the dulcet tones and common sensical life approach of Geoffrey Boycott from the get-go.

19th over: England 41-3 (Cook 23 Pietersen 6) So, England resume with a slender deficit of 480, and , you'll never believe this, but MS Dhoni has decided to open the attack with a spinner. Pragyan Ojha to be precise. His first ball turns past the bat, past the stumps, past the 'keeper, and runs away for a bye. A single puts KP on strike again, he almost manages to run himself out when he charges down the pitch, squirts an edge off his pads to silly point, and has to turn and dive back to beat the return throw. "Feel like death?" asks Dave Adams. Actually, Dave, death doesn't cover it. At least the dead can sleep. "I sure do. My two year old just woke up in time for the start of play, so now we're both up, we may as well continue his nascent cricket education. Two lessons today - England's inability to bat on the sub-continent and the concept of the follow-on. This is probably also where we re-learn for the hundredth time that the few extra runs you might get from compromising your bowling attack are almost always worth less than a couple more wickets would have been. Might not tell my son that bit, as I don't want to turn him into a cynic. Genetics may have done that already though."

"Reasons to be cheerful?" chirrups Liam Drew as the umpires walk out to the middle. "The return of KP, no?" Well, Liam, I'd be a little happier if we'd been able to wait a little longer before we got to see him at the crease.

While I'm waiting to hear your reasons to be cheerful, here's an incidental email from Tom Maxsted: "Seeing as it's Ridiculous O'Clock, and both the cricket and my night work don't get restarted until 4am, any chance you can provide an update on Maurice Holmes? Have you had any contact from anyone in cricket regarding him since the excellent article you wrote the other week? Any updates? If it hasn't, then this would still be an opportunity for you to re-post a link to it." Too kind, Tom. There's not much I can tell you just yet, but it's true that I am in the thick of a fairly frank exchange of emails with the ECB over English cricket's missing mystery spinner. It would be fair to say we have opposing views on the matter. I'll put an update in The Spin when I have something new to say, so keep an eye out there.

Those were Ian Dury's. Now what are yours, please? I've a feeling they're going to be sorely needed in the next four hours or so.

Reasons to be cheerful: "Health service glasses, gigolos and brasses. Round or skinny bottoms. Take your mum to Paris, lighting up the chalice Wee Willy Harris, Bantu Stephen Biko, listening to Rico, Harpo, Groucho, Chico. Cheddar cheese and pickle, the Vincent motor cycle, Slap and tickle, Woody Allen, Dali, Dimitri and Pasquale Balabalabala and Volare. Something nice to study, phoning up a buddy, Being in my nuddy, Saying 'okey-dokey', singalonga Smokey, Coming out of chokey. John Coltrane's soprano, Adi Celantano, Bonar Colleano."

Good morning everyone. Perhaps just, 'morning' will suffice today. It might be more accurate.

England in India 2012-13England cricket teamIndia cricket teamCricketAndy BullRob Smyth
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Sky's cricket commentators worked from 'home' for the first India Test

• Ongoing row with BCCI keeps commentators out of venues
• Michael Atherton forced to report from nearby car park

Since it started covering cricket just under 23 years ago, Sky has shown almost all of England's overseas Tests, including every one since 1994. The coverage has taken its commentators to 42 different Test grounds. On Thursday, it took them to a 43rd venue and one that has yet to be granted official Test status: the Sky studios in west London.

For the first time, Sky commentated on an England Test "off tube" rather than from the venue. It was the consequence of a dispute with the BCCI, which continued its charm offensive by asking for a reported £500,000 to allow Sky into the grounds for the four-Test series in India. Sky declined, so only the host broadcaster Star Sports is allowed entry.

Its commentary is available via the red button on Sky, with the main commentary coming from its usual team in London. In a sense, Sir Ian Botham, Nasser Hussain and the rest were working both from home and the office.

They all looked surprisingly chipper for men who had been ripped from their sleep in the mezzanine hours – even Botham, who frequently jokes about going to bed at 3am. When England beat Sri Lanka in front of a few spectators and a dog at Cardiff in 2011, they talked about how they created their own atmosphere.

The Sky commentators managed to do the same thing; their exclamations were at the same pitch you would expect from those at the ground. Indeed, with the crowd noise piped in, the commentary could easily have come from Ahmedabad. It would have been different 30 years ago, when overseas commentaries were often shouted down a crackly phone line; these days it is not really possible to discern any difference.

There were no significant hitches, and no dramatic moments off camera that the commentators could not see, one of the principal risks of off-tube coverage. The only slightly strange moment came when the camera focused on the Star Sports commentary team. The movement of Ravi Shastri's lips produced the sound of Nick Knight's voice, a particularly disconcerting sight for those who had been imbibing caffeine since 2am and were already a little disoriented..

The only Sky commentator in India is Michael Atherton; with no cameras allowed in the stadium, he had to schlep a few hundred yards to a nearby car park to discuss the match before play and during the intervals. By the end of the day, he would have had almost as many miles in his legs as England's bowlers; Sky should have put a pedometer on him.

Atherton spoke to camera with a group of children playing cricket in the background. That provided a slice of authentic India. Then again, thanks to modern technology, so did the team in London.

England in India 2012-13Sky SportsSports rightsRob Smyth
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India v England – as it happened | Rob Smyth and Andy Bull

Virender Sehwag's stunning 117 from 117 balls took India to 323 for four on a pitch that is already helping the spinners

Morning everyone. And how are you feeling today? A little light-headed? Just a touch giddy? A few butterflies in the stomach? There is nothing, nothing at all, quite like the first morning of the first day of the first Test of a new series. The old sage Pat Gibson, Chairman of the Cricket Writers' Club, once told me that he's unable to walk past a cricket ground when there's a game going on without feeling a little twinge of excitement in his gut, and that was why, even after all these years, he still loved the game and loved his job. Actually he was rather more eloquent than that, and quoted, I think, Arthur Hopcraft at me. I can't quite recall because I was three-quarters-cut at the time. You get my gist though, h'm? Days like today, for cricket tragics like us, are as good as they get. How else can I explain the fact that I'm here at work, all alone in the office, three hours before play is even due to start?

So where do we start? No really, where do we start? I haven't seen more than a single day's play in over a year, let alone done an over-by-over, and have almost entirely forgotten how these things work. What's more Bobby Smyth isn't even due into the office till 8am or thereabouts, so I'm all on my lonesome. I can't even kiss his wee balding head for luck.

I was about to embark on a long meandering ramble to while away these empty email-less hours, fully anticipating that at this hour of the night my inbox would be as barren as the sands at Weston-Super-Mare on a wet Wednesday. But, readers, it seems I underestimated you. Or at least I underestimated Josh Robinson, who opens up the correspondence for the winter with this loosener down the leg-side: "Evening Bull, evening everybody. I presume I'm not the only one who's almost childishly excited about the start of the first Test of the tour. So much so that I suspect I'd be awake even if I didn't have a stack of work to do in order to avoid missing deadlines by even more obscene amounts of time than will be the case. Anyway: an OBO up more than two hours before the start of play? It's going to be a long and strangely captivating night, isn't it?" Yes. Yes it is.

In fact I'm struggling to think of a series, outside of the Ashes, that I've looked forward to more. Somehow it seems all the more fascinating for being between two teams who are both so flawed, and have both been recently deposed from the top slot in the world rankings in such ignominious fashion. old instincts die hard, and all those years of success under Andy Flower and Andy Strauss haven't killed my pessimistic streak. So if you push me, I'll say that I'll be amazed if India don't win this series. They have, after all, guardian.co.uk © 2012 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds

Arsenal v Fulham – as it happened | Rob Smyth

Olivier Giroud and Dimitar Berbatov both scored twice and Mark Schwarzer saved an injury-time penalty from Mikel Arteta

Preamble: Arsenal v Fulham could be the middle-class derby of football. A nice fixture. Real nice. For the next two hours, warm Carling will be replaced by 37 degrees fahrenheit Pinot Grigio, Pukka Pies by Waitrose ethical foie gras and good honest violence by excruciatingly transparent passive aggression.

Actually, Arsenal and Fulham are two of the more likeable Premier League sides, partly because Arsene Wenger and Martin Jol are two of the few elite managers who still demonstrate discernible signs of humanity and decency. They have some very likeable players too, including Santi Cazorla and Dimitar Berbatov, the personification of sexy football and a man whose first touch is a unique fusion of velvet, velcro and viagra.

Unusually, these sides come together as equals. Arsenal are seventh and Fulham eighth, with both on 15 points and both playing 4-3-3: four wins, three draws and three defeats. In a sense, however, their roles have been reversed. This season Arsenal, in the league at least, have had the binary anonymity of Roy Hodgson or Mark Hughes's Fulham. If you discount the six pieces of candy they took from Southampton, Arsenal have scored nine in nine league games, while their defence is the tightest in English football.

Fulham, by contrast, are not unlike 2008-12 Arsenal, with plenty going in at both ends. That's often the way with any team managed by the wonderful Martin Jol, the Jeffrey Lebowski of world football.

That's a bit of a rubbish ending to the preamble, isn't it? Between us, I can't think of anything else to write. Team news please!

Team news

Arsenal (4-2-3-1) Mannone; Sagna, Koscielny, Mertesacker, Vermaelen; Coquelin, Arteta; Walcott, Cazorla, Podolski; Giroud.
Subs: Szczesny, Andre Santos, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Ramsey, Arshavin,
Jenkinson, Chamakh.

Fulham (4-2-3-1) Schwarzer; Riether, Hughes, Hangeland, Riise; Baird, Sidwell; Dejagah, Ruiz, Richardson; Berbatov.
Subs: Stockdale, Senderos, Petric, Karagounis, Duff, Rodallega, Kacaniklic.

Referee: Phil Dowd (Staffordshire)

Emails please! Please. Seriously.

1 min After a minute's silence for Armistice Day, Dimitar Berbatov caresses the sphere towards Bryan Ruiz to signal the commencement of the contest. Fulham are playing from right to left. They are in white; Arsenal are in red and white.

2 min "Dearest, Rob," says Ian Copestake. "Can we please get through an entire Berbatov 90 minutes (or 60 mins before he is out of breath and taken off) without mentioning Gitanes? Thanks. What? Oh."

3 min "Jol is a preposterously prepossessing character, but Jeffery Lebowski?" says Phil Podolsky. "I was thinking more Caspar from Miller's Crossing who, unlike El Duderino, can be bothered to act ruthlessly when the situation calls for just that." Maybe. But he'd never slap his own kid and then say "Awwww somebody hit you?" or get in a tangle about ettics.

4 min It's been all Fulham so far, and Bryan Ruiz almost gives them the lead with a deflected shot from 20 yards that spins over Mannone and just wide.

6 min Arsenal's first spell of possession brings a free-kick when Theo Walcott, superstarter, is fouled by John Arne Riise. Nothing comes of it. It's been a good, open start to the game. A nice start. Real nice.

7 min Are there any Arsenal fans reading who want Wenger sacked? If so, let's hear it.

8 min "Ah, Berbatov," says Simon McMahon. "The Camus of English football. Can you post my favourite picture of him, the one where he is rolling a fag after eating a plate of full English dressed in his Man Utd club blazer and tie, with a glass of whisky at his side?" I'm afraid I don't have any photographs of your deviant dreams. But there is this beauty, which, as my brilliant colleague Georgina Turner said, is "drenched in lust".

10 min No real chances yet at either end. Berbatov looks lively. The joy of working from someone who rates and trusts you, eh?

GOAL! Arsenal 1-0 Fulham (Giroud 11) Walcott wins Arsenal's first corner – and it leads to the first goal. It was almost offensively straightforward. The corner was swung out by Walcott, and Giroud got away from Aaron Hughes to thump a near-post header through the left hand of Schwarzer from six yards. The inadequacies of man-to-man marking are exposed yet again. It was a good header but the defending from Hughes was awful.

13 min "Notice the pace of Arsenal's attack when Walcott is present," says Johnny G. "Allows for a player like Cazorla to open up the defense or for a player like Giroud to lumber into position." I'd still use Walcott as a substitute in a lot of games. Anyone who can terrorise Barcelona in that role must have something going for him.

15 min Given the power of some of his recent headers, particularly today's, it's fair to opine that Olivier Giroud is not a gentleman from whom one would like to receive a Glasgow kiss.

16 min Fulham have had most of the ball since the goal, and had much of it before the goal. Their away record against the big sides has been pretty appalling from the last few years, but the way they are playing suggests they think they can get something today.

19 min"So who are the other decent people among the elite managers," says Sam Abrahams, "and who's the nicest manager in the history of the Premier League?" Tony Mowbray maybe? He seems a very nice bloke. Jol of course. Wenger too, up to a point, although he was an awful loser, really undignified, until it became a semi-regular occurrence. David Moyes is a top man as well.

21 min Kieron Richardson sprints down the left and then pulls up in the manner of a man who has just done his hamstring. I reckon he might have done his hamstring.

GOAL! Arsenal 2-0 Fulham (Podolski 23) Arise Sir Arsene. All is well with Arsenal's world again, for the time being at least. A short throw-in from the right somehow slithered through to the onrushing Arteta on the right side of the box. He moved the ball away from Baird before squaring it across the six-yard line, where Podolski came from behind the ball-watching Riether to poke past Schwarzer. More poor defending in truth.

24 min Richardson has indeed done his hamstring – I told you! – and has been replaced by Alex Kacaniklic.

26 min "Roy Evans was a nice guy wasn't he?" says Gary Naylor. "Loved by Liverpool and Everton fans – but for different reasons I think." The perception of Evans is a little harsh. He got closer to the title than any other Liverpool manager in the last 20 years and Liverpool played their best football of the last 20 years under him.

28 min Apart from the fact they're 2-0 down, Fulham will be pleased with this half. Like, duh and all that, but they have actually played really well; they've just conceded sloppy goals.

GOAL! Arsenal 2-1 Fulham (Berbatov 29) Fulham are back in the game. Ruiz swings in a left-footed corner from the right towards the head of Berbatov, six yards out in a central position, and he Berbatovs it past Mannone with the minimum of fuss.

30 min "Don't rate your MBM," says Alex Netherton. "If you were on Twitter I'd unfollow you."

31 min "I believe the photo Simon is talking about is at the top of the page here," says Jonathan Leeuwenburgh. Oh my, that is a very special picture.

32 min The hitherto quiet Cazorla is fouled just outside the left corner of the box. Theo Walcott lines up the free-kick ... and scuffs a piece of apologetic nonsense towards the near post that is easily cleared.

35 min "In terms of talent, can you (or your twos of other readers) think of a more disappointing player than Arshavin?" says Neill Brown. "Such a shame that he's become a bit-part player in what is clearly a fairly average team. He should be a star of this league." Dennis Bergkamp at Inter? Patrick Kluivert at Newcastle? Andres Iniesta?

37 min Usually football matches start very tight and stilted and get looser as they progress, like English people as they get drunk, but the first half of this game has had the feel of a second half. There haven't been many chances, but it has just felt open.

GOAL! Arsenal 2-2 Fulham (Kacaniklic 40) Now this is Berbarotica. He – and I mean He – has just made an equaliser for Alex Kacaniklic in superb style. He ran down the right side of the penalty area onto a pass from Riether, leaving Koscielny in his slipstream. Then, with all the Arsenal players running desperately towards their own goal, he clipped a deliberate first-time cross behind them all, right on to the head of the unmarked Kacaniklic near the penalty spot. He planted his header into the ground, from where it kicked up to beat Mannone and go into the net off the inside of the far post. Berbatov spreads his arms wide and accepts the loving embrace of his teammates. He is simply magnificent.

42 min Sidwell is booked for a foul on someone or other. I missed it because I was still cleaning up the me attempting to describe that Kacaniklic goal.

45 min Vermaelen, the emergency left-back, hoofs a long cross straight out of play.

45+2 min Fulham almost went ahead in the last minute of added time. Ruiz played a stunning pass dwont eh left wing with the outside of the left foot. It came to Riise, whose low first-time cross towards the near post was flicked behind his standing leg by Dejagah. It wasn't going in, although Berbatov would have put it in at the far post had Koscielny (I think) not slid the ball behind.

Half time: Arsenal 2-2 Dimitar Berbatov What an enjoyable half of football that was between two teams who think there is more to life than murderous ambition. Not that some of the Arsenal fans agree; they have just booed their side off the field. The age of entitlement strikes again.

See you in 10 minutes.

Half-time chit-chat "Arsenal fan here, I'm happy for Wenger to stay," says Angus Chisholm. "The Arsenal fans who want Wenger to go (and let's be frank here, many of them – not all, but many – are quite dim, as evinced by the dreadful comments on Arsenal's official facebook posts) suffer from small-picture thinking. Sure, a change might be invigorating, might mix things up a bit, but what is the viable alternative and how is it going to be implemented? How will the culture that Wenger has installed over the course of 16 years at the club cope with a sudden sacking? Are the 'lean times' we're going through now going to seem trivially irrelevant in the future when the club is steady thanks to the foresight with which the club appears to be run now? Just have a look at Liverpool in 2012 to see how things can go quite wrong quite quickly, and there's no shortage of viable clubs willing to occupy that perpetual Champions League qualification spot when Arsenal or whoever show the slightest sign of weakness, and there's every chance a Wenger sacking would lead to a decline, and there are just three places above us but 88 below us. So no. Bad idea."

46 min Arsenal kick off the second half from left to right.

47 min Here's the alternative view, from Zachary Gomperts-Mitchelson. "Until Arsene sold Alex Song, I felt he was probably still the man for the job. When we came out playing some fantastic football in the early season, dominating Liverpool and City at their places I felt it was very sad really cause Diaby's knees were always going to go. Arsene has become the sort of manager who doesn't even seem to understand his own system any more. We are set up for a mobile striker and certain amount of physicality in midfield to let our creative sorts work their magic. Now you see us playing like we are today, the players look completely unmotivated, our system is ridiculously easy to shackle, no one in midfield can beat a man through strength or tricks, there is no movement up front and we don't even get into good wide positions like we used to.

"The players look very poorly drilled at the back, and for all the magnificent things Wenger has done for our club, he's finished. He looks like an absolutely drained shell. For that I blame our board and the arrogance in Wenger that made him think he could run the whole club, do everything in training and still move us forward, an it really was fantastic when he nearly succeeded. The setback in 07/08 when we should have won the league marked the end of our mental strength an since then, though we've had some good moments, including the Fabregas/Nasri team that probably should have won the league themselves we've always flattered to deceive.

"As good as he was Wenger won't take us forward anymore, although I doubt a manager of Klopp or Guardiola's quality would want much to do with us at the moment considering the jobs that might be open to them."

48 min The second half has started like the first, with Fulham hogging the ball. Fulham have never won away to Arsenal; they have quite the opportunity today.

49 min "Is it just me or would anyone else find it incredibly disheartening to have your own team boo you off the pitch?" says Linda Howard. "I never understand; it seems like self-sabotage. That kind of reaction would send me headed straight for the hard liquor."

Quite. On that note, there are unconfirmed reports that sales of alcohol to journalists have gone up 4895235298 per cent since comment sections were introduced.

51 min An outstanding right-wing cross from Walcott just clears the leaping Giroud, who would have had a fairly simple header from eight yards. Moments later Bryan Ruiz, teed up by Dejagah, screws a 20-yard shot wide of the near post.

52 min Berbatov has given Koscielny such a tough time today. Not just for skill and intelligence, but also for speed and strength, elements of his game that are strangely underappreciated.

55 min Arsenal are having a good spell of possession, with most of the threat down the right wing. That's where Walcott plays a crisp one-two before setting off on an angled, driving run infield. He beats three players on the way to the edge of the area, from where he curls a left-footed shot high and wide.

56 min Francis Coquelin is replaced by Aaron Ramsey.

59 min Another chance for Fulham. Berbatov puts Kacaniklic clear down the left. He gets into the area and pulls the ball across the face of goal, and it's cleared desperately before Dejagah can put it into the net.

60 min Sidwell fouls someone 25 yards from goal. He's already been booked but gets away with a final warning from Phil Dowd. Instead Aaron Ramsey is booked. Why? I have no idea why. Hope this helps!

61 min "This idea that a fan, or in this case Arsenal fans, who are often paying a substantial amount of their yearly income for season tickets due to their commitment to their club are banned from expressing dissatisfaction, when the team they are paying through the nose to see play, perform like this team does, is such a revoltingly disconnected bit of journalistic snobbery it could only come from the mouth of someone who views this whole thing from a very American perspective," says Zachary Gomperts-Mitchelson. "Arsenal aren't just a franchise that the boo'ers in the stadium have bought into for entertainment. My family live in Highbury and when we lost our season tickets due to price hikes, as our best players where sold and replaced with inferior replacements and our board members caught multimillion deals for their shares, I damn well felt like booing, I felt more disenfranchised and miserable then entitled."

Sorry. I forgot that two grown adults aren't capable of having different opinions without one of them being revoltingly disconnected.

63 min Walcott's angled shot from the right of the box is deflected wide of the near post by Hangeland. Fulham are struggling to get out of their third, never mind their half.

65 min Ramsey, already booked, might have been given a second yellow card for a cynical tug on Sidwell. He was in the Fulham half but it was deliberate, the kind of football that often brings a yellow card.

66 min "Although Zachary G-M makes some very good points, the thing is Arsenal's woes aren't really down to Wenger: it's down, even more than it ever was, to money, and other people being able to flash it around even more," says Nick Lezard. "That said, if they lose to Fulham today I'll be round with my pitchfork and flaming brand, in spirit if not in actual physical presence."

Wenger is an essentially decent human being trapped in a thoroughly repugnant sport. It's hard not to have a fair bit of sympathy for him.

66 min: PENALTY TO FULHAM Arteta, admiring his own shadow, is robbed on the corner of the box by Bryan Ruiz, who surges into the area and then falls over under Arteta's clumsy challenge from behind.

GOAL! Arsenal 2-3 Fulham (Berbatov 67 pen) What a penalty from Berbatov. This was ludicrously, orgiastically nonchalant. He sauntered towards the ball, looked Mannone up and down and then gently Berbatoved the ball into the left side of the goal with Mannone standing still on the spot. Fulham have come from 2-0 down to lead!

69 min Half chances at both ends. Giroud, 20 yards out, smashes a bouncing ball straight at Schwarzer; then Riise forces a sprawling near-post save from Mannone.

GOAL! Arsenal 3-3 Fulham (Giroud 69) Seven seconds after hitting the post, Olivier Giroud equalises for Arsenal. He dragged a left-footed shot across goal and onto the post, from where it rebounded to Walcott on the right of the box. He stood up a fine cross towards Giroud, six yards out, and he got enough flick and power on the ball to send it beyond the leaping Schwarzer's right hand. That was a very good header.

71 min A rising 20-yard shot from Ruiz is straight at Mannone but hit with enough power that he has to palm it over for a corner.

72 min Walcott has done some extremely good things today. Hashtagjustsayin'.

73 min This is anyone's game. Obviously. It was open at 0-0 in the first half. Now, at 3-3 in the second, it's you-attack-we-attack.

74 min "Say what you like about Arsenal (and plenty of people do), they're not boring," says David White. "The Emirates is expensive bit why does everyone correlate value for money with winning - what about entertainment? Is any other ground better value for money in terms of entertainment?"

Craven Cottage. Every football team should be managed by Martin Jol.

76 min Koscielny makes a desperate and vital sliding challenge to stop Berbatov having a chance of his hat-trick. He was put through by an excellent angled pass from the left, and his shot back across the goal was superbly blocked by Koscielny.

77 min Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain replaces Lukas Podolski, who was almost entirely anonymous. Cazorla hasn't been great either. Giroud and Walcott have been Arsenal's best attackers by a distance.

80 min Giroud is denied his hat-trick by a fine save from Schwarzer. He picked the ball up 45 yards from goal, muscled his way to the edge of the D and then larruped a left-footed shot towards the bottom corner. Schwarzer dived to his left to push it behind for a corner with both hands. I thought Giroud was supposed to be crap? He's had a stormer.

82 min Theo Walcott is struggling with some injury or other. Former football Andriy Arshavin is getting ready to replace him.

83 min "Re: David White's comment in the 74th minute," says Robin White. "Yes, St Mary's. Just an awfully more masochistic form of entertainment."

85 min Fulham have their backs to the wall, and moulded into the wall in fact. They can't get out at all. This might help: Arshavin has replaced Walcott. I don't know if he's injured or just shattered; it's been seven months since he started two games in a week. Fulham have almost made a substitution, with Damien Duff replacing Ashkan Dejagah.

87 min "A word for Ruiz today?" says David Fallon. "His control, passing and simple use of the ball has been as if not more essential to Fulham's successes today. Even if he does use his first name on the jersey. Sacrilege."

I've been lost in Berbatov but Ruiz has played beautifully, with the same languorous class of our Bulgarian hero. One outside-of-the-left-foot pass to Riise in the first half was stunning.

89 min Ruiz's chipped left-wing corner is headed just wide of the far post by Hangeland, although the man on the line had it covered.

90 min Giroud misses a fine chance to win the match. His own excellent movement meant that he was unmarked by the penalty spot as he ran backwards to meet Sagna's right-wing cross; he headed the ball back whence it came but got a bit too much on it and it went just wide.

90+2 min There will be four added minutes. An Arsenal corner is half cleared to Arteta, whose stinging volley from 20 yards is blocked by a defender.

90+3 min Baird chests Arshavin's cross behind for a corner. This is Arsenal's last chance. They don't score from it.

PENALTY TO ARSENAL! This looks very harsh. Arshavin's cross hits Riether, who was barely two yards away and actually seemed to be trying to pull his arm out of the way. A pathetic decision. Baird is booked for protesting. Arteta will take the penalty. We're into the fifth of four added minutes.

SCHWARZER SAVES ARTETA'S PENALTY! Jesus. That's the last touch of the game! Arteta sidefooted it all along the ground towards the left of Schwarzer, but it wasn't right in the corner and Schwarzer got down to push it round the post. It wasn't the greatest penalty; nor was it a shocker, though, and it was an excellent save from Schwarzer. It was a shocking decision, though, and it would have been so harsh on Fulham had they lost.

Full time: Arsenal 3-3 Fulham In the grand scheme this game probably doesn't mean that much, but it was a whole load of fun. I'm off to change my name to Dimitar Berbatov. Night!

Premier LeagueFulhamArsenalRob Smyth
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Football Weekly: United humble Arsenal ... again

On today's Football Weekly, James Richardson invites Barry Glendenning, Owen Gibson and banter's Rob Smyth to look back on a weekend of occasional drama but mostly just draws.

We start with all the business from the Premier League, where Manchester United beat Arsenal in a game every bit as chastening as last season's 8-2, Liverpool showed that they're also a long-ball side, and Chelsea were lucky to leave Swansea with a point.

Next, we wonder whether Manchester City can pull off a Lazarus-like comeback in the Champions League (probably not), and then it's a quick stop to Serie A, where Inter stopped Juventus making it 50 matches unbeaten.

Elsewhere, we hear from Ewan Murray about how Celtic plan to stop Barcelona , while Sid Lowe sends out an appeal to save his beloved Oviedo and challenges you not to watch Gary Lineker doing the do instead.

And finally, we speculate over the tubbiest footballers ever to take to the field of play. Which is a bit naughty and very hypocritical, considering most of our podders get out of breadth just climbing stairs

James RichardsonBen GreenBarry GlendenningSid LoweRob SmythOwen Gibson