Rob Smyth's Blog, page 200

Phil Taylor: 'I'm playing darts in my sleep and I wake myself up'

The 15-times world champion on dreaming about darts, memories of Sid Waddell, and banning drinking from the game

Hi Phil. How are you doing?

I'm not too bad Small Talk, just got through customs.

And you're off to Germany for the European Championship?

Yeah, just in the terminal now; terminal 3 at Manchester.

Tell us a bit about the European Championship

It's a nice little tournament to win. It's obviously not as big as the Matchplay or the World Championship. Germany's taken to darts really well now – every session's sold out. It's like that with every tournament now. Next year Barry [Hearn] is looking at going over the east and everywhere with us.

Have you ever known darts to be bigger than it is now?

No I haven't to be honest with you, not even when Eric [Bristow] and Jocky [Wilson] and [John] Lowey were about.

Have you ever played better than you are now?

I'm playing OK; I'm plodding by. I've just done a tour of Australia which knocked a bit out of me with the travelling, I'm still waking up at three in the morning which is driving me crackers.

Is regaining the World Championship your big aim?

It is now, yeah. I'll start preparing for that as soon as I get back. That's the big push now, that's in the mindset.

Which is the favourite of your 15 world titles?

I would say the first one [in 1990], getting over that hurdle. And then I think the one in 2009. I thought I might not win another one. It had been a couple of years and people were writing me off and I thought 'maybe that's it', but it wasn't.

Do you feel like that now or do you feel you're playing so well that it will come? You know what, December's a funny time of the year, because the weather changes, the central heating comes on; sometimes you can get colds and coughs and flu. So it's hit and miss really, December time. I'll start hitting the vitamins now …

How many hours a day do you practice?

Well, I should do about two hours a day but I've probably been doing about an hour.

Do you practice specific things? If you think about it, Small Talk, I've been practising 30 years. It's a matter of keeping loose really. There's not much I can learn now. You can't teach an old dog new tricks as they say.

What's your favourite memory of Sid Waddell?

I loved him to bits. He was my biggest fan, Sid was. I knew him more than half my life and I miss him dearly. There were so many stories. When we wrote the book together … he's a genius and a nightmare at the same time. He's brilliant. I used to repair his door for him you know; his handle broke on his door and he never stopped talking about it. He couldn't believe I could put a screw in some wood.

If you could change one thing about darts, what would it be?

I'd ban drinking from darts.

Do you mean backstage or in the arena?

I'd ban it all together.

Who gave you the nickname 'The Power'?

That was Peter Judge, who used to be the walk-on manager at Sky Sports. He stood on a plastic CD in my car and snapped it. He picked it up and said "Oh sh … ugar", and there it was: Snap – The Power.

Were you good at maths at school?

I got better with darts. Definitely. If you told me I was at No34 Blake Street I'd immediately think 'double 17'. If I was at No37, I'd think 'five, double 16'.

Do you see darts when you close your eyes at night?

Sometimes I'm playing darts in my sleep and I wake myself up. I hate it. Drives me crackers because if I have a catnap I'm dreaming about bloody darts! I'm on double 18 and I throw it, and then my arm goes and that wakes me up. I tell myself, 'Stop bloody doing that. Bloody idiot'.

Who's the most famous person in your mobile phone?

Robbie Williams.

Have you seen a ghost?

Yes. I've seen three. I saw one when I was a kid; we used to have one at the pub; and I saw one in an old place in Herefordshire where we were staying. It was a little boy. I'm not frightened of them you see; whether that's because I see them I don't know.

Do you wear slippers at home?

Do I ever! Ugg slippers. I've just bought two new pairs of slippers from Australia. One are black and full of fur, and the other are like a shoe.

Cheese or chocolate?

Ermmm, cheese. Cranberry. That's our treat that is.

What would you put in Room 101?

Rucksacks! I hate 'em. I hate 'em with a passion. On aeroplanes, people walking past with rucksacks knocking me on the back of the head.

What's the last song you bought?

Robbie Williams! He's my pal so I've got to say that haven't I?

What's your favourite TV show?

At the moment it's Mrs Brown's Boys. I love it. I've got it on my iPad now so I'll watch it again on the plane. You should have a watch of it, it's brilliant.

What's your favourite film?

Zulu.

What do you have in your pockets? Probably not much if you've just been through customs

My wallet.

Thanks for your time Phil

Thanks Small Talk.

ESPN and ESPN Classic are broadcasting live and exclusive coverage of every session of the PDC European Darts Championship from 20th to 23rd September. For full details visit ESPN.co.uk/tv

Phil TaylorDartsRob Smyth
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Marítimo v Newcastle – as it happened | Rob Smyth

Both sides hit the woodwork as an enjoyable, open game in Madeira surprisingly ended goalless

Preamble Good evening. Not much time for a preamble today, but you know what's at stake here. This is the first of Newcastle's six group games in the Europa League, and the top two teams in each group qualify for the last 512 of the tournament. It's their first match against a Portuguese side since that traumatic night in Lisbon seven years ago. It's probably fair to assume that today's match won't quite match that for intensity, not least because Newcastle have left most of their best players at home or on their bench.

Team news

Maritimo (4-3-3): Salin, Briguel, Joao Guilherme, Roberge, Luis Olim; Rafael Miranda, Joao Luiz, David Simao; Heldon, Danilo Dias, Sami.
Subs: Lima De Oliveira, Joao Diogo, Marcio Rosario, Igor Rossi, Goncalo Abreu, Fidelis, Adilson.

Newcastle (4-2-3-1): Elliot; Perch, Williamson, Steven Taylor, Santon; Gosling, Bigirimana; Obertan, Vuckic, Amalfitano; Shola Ameobi.
Subs: Harper, Marveaux, Sammy Ameobi, Ferguson, Tavernier, Abeid, Campbell.

Referee: Robert Schorgenhofer (Austria)

The first email of the evening comes from the James Brown. No, not him, he died in 2006; it's the other the James Brown, from Sabotage Times. "Thought I'd tip you off to what is likely to be some of the strangest pre-match entertainment in European football tonight. When Leeds played there in 1998, George Graham's last weekend in charge, the pre-match warm up consisted of folk dancing with people with what looked like handkerchiefs on their heads and in their hands. Very Plymouth Brethren, not a cheerleader or confetti explosion in site."

Whatever they did tonight, I missed the whole thing because of a pre-match trip to the overgrown boys' room. Bah!

1 min Peep peep! Maritimo, in an odd green-and-red strip, kick off from right to left. Newcastle are in hangover-baiting yellow.

2 min A very dangerous low cross from Simao is just missed by the sliding Heldon, eight yards from goal. Had he made contact with that – and he should have done – he would probably have scored.

4 min At least I think it's the fourth minute. For some bizarre reason, our TV has sliced the ESPN clock off the screen, so I can only see the seconds but not the minutes. Yes I do realise this could and probably will precipitate a farce. As I type this I can confidently we are in the 21st second of a minute.

6 min The pitch isn't good. The ball is bobbling awkwardly, and that has contributed to a scruffy start to the match.

9 min A low cross from Santon is only half cleared to Amalfitano, whose fancy pirouette gets him past a defender before the ball is booted away.

11 min Rob Elliot makes a fine save to keep the scores level. A corner from the left escaped a posse of defenders at the near post and was volleyed towards goal by Sami from eight yards. Elliot, diving to his right, palmed it over the top.

12 min Another vital save from Elliot! Simao's long pass forward slipped under the last man Williamson, which put Sami through on goal. He smashed it first time from the edge of the box but Elliot, who had charged from his line, saved it with his legs. Sami should probably have scored.

15 min "I think our lemon sorbet kit is the best since our custard cream effort of 2009," says Andrew Watson, inexplicably ignoring the skin-coloured masterpiece that is often on show at St James' Park.

16 min Heldon, given far too much room on the right of the box, smashes a rising cross-shot wide of the far post. It's all Maritimo at the moment.

19 min The dangerous Heldon wins another corner down the right. Newcastle aren't quite hanging on, but they've certainly been second best. Simao's corner is cleared easily.

23 min Newcastle haven't really got going. Like so many teams away from home in Europe, they look like a team waiting for the wake-up call of going behind.

24 min "Can we have a mention of the stadium?" says Rob Stead. "From the camera angle it looks like they have decided to pump in crowd noise into the Colosseum." It is very strange. I haven't seen a single spectator, but there's a decent noise coming from somewhere. Unless it's all in my head. We all go a little mad sometimes.

28 min How did Newcastle not score there? When a corner was partially cleared, a loose ball broke to Williamson 14 yards from goal. His fierce shot was blocked by Roberge, who fell backwards as it hit him, and rebounded towards Shola Ameobi, a few yards from goal. He tried to plant a header inside the near post, but Salin charged across his line to beat it behind for a corner.

29 min Gosling hits the post! Vuckic ran at the defence before playing the ball infield to Gosling. He took a touch and then, from inside the D, drilled an excellent low shot to the left of the keeper Salin that rattled off the outside of the post.

30 min Now it's all Newcastle. Obertan chests the ball into space down the right wing, and as it bounces up he laces a fine effort from a ludicrous angle that whistles just wide of the far post.

33 min Maritimo play some neat stuff, with the forwards Sami and Damilo rotating nicely.

35 min This has been a strange game: somnolent for the most part, yet with four or five really good opportunities. My little book of 1990s music tells me it's had the rhythm of an early Mogwai song.

37 min Carl Cort has a half chance but runs down a blind alley to the right of the penalty area. He should have used Vuckic, who was in loads of space to his left.

40 min Anyone out there? I suspect the other game is a bit more interesting; Liverpool have just conceded a comedy equaliser.

41 min Bigirimana, one of the two deep-lying midfield players, has had an impressive half for Newcastle. I know nothing about him, but Wikipedia sure does.

43 min A crisp first-time cross from Obertan is blootered behind for a corner by Guilherme. The corner is cleared to Santon, who thrashes a ludicrous effort high and wide from 37.72 yards.

44 min ESPN have just shown a replay of a handball appeal against Luis Olim earlier in the half. A long throw dropped over a couple of players and hit him on the arm at the near post. He was unsighted up to a point, although you've seen them given.

45 min Bigirimana is booked for a foul on Luiz.

45+2 min After a big scramble in the box, Elliot picks up what looked like a backpass from Williamson. Maritimo ease a few toys out of the pram, and Simao is booked for dissent.

Half time: Maritimo 0-0 Newcastle An enjoyable half of football ends goalless. See you in 10 minutes.

Half-time email "Sorry," says Jeremy Boyle, "but were both the strips shown in your photo chosen by the teams, or imposed on them by some randomiser operated by a single-celled amoeba? They both look like something someone might have hoyed up after too many Guinness..."

I realise I should probably have to go door-to-door like Jesus Quintana after such a revelation, but I quite like the Maritimo kit.

46 min Newcastle kick off from right to left.

48 min Shola Ameobi hits the bar! That would have been a sensational goal. He escaped Guilherme on the halfway line down the left, ran all the way into the area, slipped the ball Messi-style inside the covering Roberge and then opened his body to curl a lovely effort across goal that clattered off the bar.

49 min "Carl Cort?" says Tim Dyer. Yep, Carl Cort.

51 min Newcastle should be ahead. Maritimo have arguably played the neater stuff but Newcastle have been far more decisive in the final third of the pitch.

52 min Another fine interception from the superb Bigirimana launches a Newcastle break that ends with Obertan's low cross being booted clear from under the bar by Guilherme. Obertan should probably have done better with the cross after easily skinning the left back Olim.

53 min Sammi Ameobi replaces the peripheral Haris Vuckic. He'll play alongside his brother Carl; they are the first brothers to play together Newcastle in Europe. I know this because John Champion on ESPN just told us.

54 min Maritimo bring on Fidelis for Heldon. I know what you're thinking, I know: how will it affect Maritimo's formation? I assume Fidelis will go straight up front, with Danilo Dias moving into a wider position.

56 min "The stadium is small, about 6000 fans at max," says Brian Cruickshank. "Maritimo were expanding it but had to halt the construction, so it's half finished right now, so heaven knows how many it can hold safely. Love Madeira though, the Toon Army will be in dreamland being there!"

57 min The Ameobis combine to give Amalfitano half a shooting chance on the left side of the box. He blitzes it towards orbit.

59 min Fidelis misses a great chance, sweeping Sami's low cross wide of the near post from 12 yards. I'm not entirely sure how this game is goalless. Both sides have had some fantastic chances.

61 min "I like the fact that Sammi Ameobi has S.Ameobi on his back, while Shola just has Ameobi," says Jimmy McManners. "I understand what they are trying to do, but it really is no help to anyone who doesn't already know what they look like is it?"

63 min Sammiammiobi's is deflected wide for a corner, which Shola Ameobi heads over from the edge of the area.

65 min Another chance for Shola Ameobi. He turns smoothly away from Guilherme in the box and drills a low shot across goal that is held at the second attempt by the sprawling Salin. Ameobi has shown great feet on a number of occasions tonight.

66 min Newcastle are in total control now, with Maritimo playing almost entirely on the break. They will be slightly annoyed if they don't win this as they have been much the better side since half time.

67 min Amalfitano is booked for a foul on Joao Luiz.

68 min On ESPN, Chris Waddle has just praised the teenager Bigirimana's performance. He looks like yet another triumph for Newcastle's peerless scouting department.

70 min Danilo's angled pass, centre to right, is drilled back towards the near post by Sami, 15 yards from goal, and Elliot gets down smartly to palm it wide for a corner. That's his third excellent save of the night.

71 min "In response to Jimmy McManners," says Benjamin McKinney, "I imagine Shola refused to add the further distinguishing H to his kit as it'd be a bit too much of an invitation any time he had a less-than-great game."

73 min A superb one-two between Sami and Simao ends with Sami's cross being cleared splendidly by Perch at the near post.

75 min Maritimo make their second substitution, with Goncalo Abreu replacing Simao.

76 min Newcastle bring on Shane Ferguson for Romain Amalfitano, who showed some nice touches but was on the periphery of the game for the most part.

80 min The lively substitute Goncalo Abreu wins a corner down the left. He takes it himself, swinging it deep to the far post, and the under pressure Williamson heads behind for another corner. Before it's taken, Gabriel Obertan is replaced by Sylvain Marveaux. Obertan was his usual mix of the slick and the exasperating.

81 min Now Maritimo hit the bar! Abreu's corner from the left was flicked on at the near post, and Roberge at the far headed towards goal from six yards. It hit the underside of the bar and bounced away off the head of the leaping Santon on the line. Had he not been there that would probably have bounced over the line.

83 min Maritimo make their last substitution, with Danilo Dias replaced by ... he's been replaced by ... I'll get back to you on that one.

84 min I've been so impressed with Bigirimana. He's done nothing amazing, but he's been so accomplished for a kid playing in one of the most mentally demanding positions on the field. Then again, the first time I saw Andy Reid, when Nottingham Forest hammered Gillingham 4-1 live on Sky in 2002-03, I sagely informed my friends that I'd seen a player. So, you know. (Not that Andy Reid wasn't a very nice player but, you know.)

86 min Santon is booked for not retreating 10 yards at a free kick. It's petering out now.

87 min Shola Ameobi's stinging 15-yard shot is blocked after an excellent drilled pass from Marveaux.

90 min There will be five minutes of added time.

90+1 min Goncalo Abreu comes infield from the left and drills a dipping 25-yard shot that Elliot fumbles around the post for a corner. It's headed clear by a combination of Sammi Ameobi and Williamson.

90+3 min Maritimo are finishing the stronger. Briguel's outswinging cross from the right is headed fiercely but high and wide by Fidelis, 12 yards from goal.

Full time: Maritimo 0-0 Newcastle As 0-0s go, that was pretty decent. Both sides played positively and had a few good chances, but some things just aren't meant to be. Like goals. Thanks for your emails; night.

Europa LeagueMarítimoNewcastle UnitedRob Smyth
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South Africa v Zimbabwe – as it happened | Rob Smyth

Jacques Kallis took four cheap wickets as South Africa eliminated Zimbabwe with a crushing victory

Preamble You wait two years for something and it's over in three days. Enough about your latest doomed relationship; I'm referring to Zimbabwe's World T20 campaign. If When they lose today they will exit the tournament before most teams have played their first game. Mind you, Zimbabwe did beat South Africa the last time these two sides met in a global tournament – a match those with English cricket close to their heart/funnybone will remember well. Zimbabwe could win today, but South Africa's odds of 1/20 look about right.

South Africa have won the toss and will bowl first.

South Africa Levi, Amla, Kallis, de Villiers (c/wk), Duminy, Behardien, A Morkel, Botha, Peterson, Steyn, M Morkel.

Zimbabwe Masakadza, Sibanda, Taylor (c/wk), Ervine, Matsikenyeri, Chigumbura, Cremer, Utseya, Price, Mpofu, Vitori.

1st over: Zimbabwe 1-0 (Masakadza 1, Sibanda 0) The ground is almost empty. It's a bit eerie, especially with cheesy beatdisco nonsense pumping out as the openers walk to the wicket. Hamilton Masakadza offers no stroke to the first four balls of the match, from Dale Steyn, and then steals a single to extra cover. Vusi Sibanda also leaves his first delivery. There can't be too many T20 overs in which five of the six balls were ignored by the batsmen.

"Seeing as how SA have won the toss and will bowl, what are the odds on the match being over before I have to go out at 4.45pm?" says Clare Davies. "I'm thinking it's possible but maybe I am being unkind to Zimbabwe." It shouldn't be over that quickly, although it may be finished in time for Pointless.

WICKET! Zimbabwe 2-1 (Sibanda b M Morkel 0) Well that didn't take long. Morne Morkel castles Vusi Sibanda for nought with a fine delivery: full and seaming back through the gate to trim the bails as Sibanda went for a big drive.

2nd over: Zimbabwe 3-1 (Masakadza 2, Taylor 1) The new batsman is the captain Brendan Taylor, who avoids a tournament king pair after his first-baller the other night. There is good carry in this pitch, especially for an Asian wicket, and Masakadza is beaten on the pull to conclude the over.

"Hi Rob, I am out here," says Louwrens Botha. "I've never heard of Behardien but the fact that Faf du Plessis is finally out of the team fills me with confidence. Not much faith in Levi though, I think it's the regular giants (Kallis, Amla and AB) who'll have to produce for SA today and throughout the tournament." Albie Morkel gives them good depth at No7, but there are some potential weak links in the top six for sure.

3rd over: Zimbabwe 4-1 (Masakadza 2, Taylor 2) Masakadza misses a windy woof at a lovely outswinger from Dale Steyn. This may be a straightforward game for South Africa, in theory, but Dale Steyn has his gameface on. And wise men don't argue with Dale Steyn's gameface. Masakadza is beaten again by some extra bounce later in the over. Zimbabwe are rattling along at 1.33 runs per over; their projected 20-over score is 27.

"Afternoon Smyth, afternoon everybody," says Josh Robinson. "If you're short on emails, you might like to check your spam folder. That must be where mine are ending up, because I'm unable to think of any other plausible explanation why you would have neglected to publish them."

WICKET! Zimbabwe 6-2 (Taylor c de Villiers b M Morkel 4) Two wickets in two overs for Morne Morkel. This time he takes the key wicket of the captain Brendan Taylor. It was an ugly dismissal. Taylor reached with a horizontal bat for a very wide delivery that took the bottom edge on its way through to AB de Villiers.

4th over: Zimbabwe 11-2 (Masakadza 6, Ervine 1) A boundary! Masakadza blasts a full delivery from Morkel down the ground for the first four of the innings.

WICKET! Zimbabwe 16-3 (Masakadza c Levi b A Morkel 6) Albie Morkel strikes with his fourth ball. Masakadza, charging down the track with all the conviction of Blackadder going over the top, lifted Morkel high in the air to mid on. This is far too easy for South Africa.

5th over: Zimbabwe 17-3 (Ervine 6, Matsikenyeri 0)

mismatch [ˌmɪsˈmætʃ]
vb to match badly, esp in marriage
n a bad or inappropriate match

6th over: Zimbabwe 21-3 (Ervine 8, Matsikenyeri 2) Four singles from Morne Morkel's third over.

"We have bigger crowds watching warm-ups on the maidan where I live here in a village in the Himalayas," says Prakash Anand. "What happens if Sri Lanka don't make the semi-finals? Will this be the most underattended 'world' sporting tournament ever?"

7th over: Zimbabwe 26-3 (Ervine 11, Matsikenyeri 4) The offspinner Johan Botha comes into the attack; his first over yields five. Zimbabwe are regrouping solidly, and if they keep wickets in hand for overs 41-50 they could post a competitive score.

8th over: Zimbabwe 34-3 (Ervine 16, Matsikenyeri 7) Craig Ervine gets his second boundary with an excellent reverse sweep off the new bowler Robin Peterson. Ervine has played nicely so far.

"I don't understand the format (but then again I don't understand much)," says Charles Evison. "How come Zimbabwe is playing their second game and are in danger of being dumped out the tournament before England have even played a game?" It's unavoidable if you have groups of three, because the second match in each group will always involve one side playing their second game and one side playing their first game, so when the second game in Group A is played, one team in Groups B, C and D won't have played their first game. Confused? Splendid, now lie down on the couch and talk to me about Oedipus.

9th over: Zimbabwe 43-3 (Ervine 21, Matsikenyeri 9) Another fine stroke from Ervine, an inside-out drive to the cover boundary off Botha. Two balls later Matsikenyeri is hit on the pad by an almost yorker-length delivery and survives a huge LBW appeal. I suspect it was turning down the leg side. Nine from the over. This has been a good, purposeful partnership.

"I am so disheartened that this contest (debatable description!) is already over that I may consider bidding on one of those awful specially minted ICC coins they use for the toss..." says Jim Lewis. "The minnows have been slightly disappointing so far, particularly their fielding, although I have a sneaky feeling England will make Afghanistan look like world beaters tomorrow." If they find a way to play Finn and Broad – which is a huge if, I realise – they could win that game.

10th over: Zimbabwe 51-3 (Ervine 25, Matsikenyeri 11)
"Today may be a mɪsˈmætʃ, but I have hope for the future," says Patrick Kingsley. "In the latest version of International Cricket Captain, now thankfully available for Mac, the year is 2033, I am the captain of Zimbabwe, and we are number one in all three formats of the game. We've won every single World Cup and World T20 for the past 20 years. Our secret weapon? Timycen Maruma, who is Zim's record wicket-taker in my alternative universe. Sadly he's not in the real-life squad. But maybe he should be."

One good thing about playing management games into the 2030s is that you sometimes get made-up names based on a mix of current player names. I wouldn't fancy coming up against Sir Garfield Botham or Malcolm Holding, although I suppose I'd fancy my chances against Chris Salisbury and Patterson Mahmood.

WICKET! Zimbabwe 51-4 (Matsinkenyeri c Peterson b Kallis 11) Jacques Kallis takes his 47410895th international wicket in his first over. Matsikenyeri, on the walk, clobbered a short ball straight to Peterson at extra cover.

WICKET! Zimbabwe 51-5 (Chigumbura LBW b Kallis 0) Make that 47410896 international wickets. Kallis has struck with consecutive deliveries. Elton Chigumbura got in a terrible mess with a very full delivery that hit him right in front of middle. A blindfolder man could have given that out, and Kallis on a hat-trick.

11th over: Zimbabwe 51-5 (Ervine 25, Cremer 0) Cremer survives the hat-trick ball. Jacques Kallis has bog-standard Twenty20 figures: 1-1-0-2.

12th over: Zimbabwe 57-5 (Ervine 28, Cremer 3) Six from Albie Morkel's over. "Afternoon Rob," says Elliot Carr-Barnsley. "I normally only come here for nostalgia, and this occasion is no different. Remember Neil Johnson? He was a beast and a genuine all-rounder as well as a part time wickie(?). His profile photo is hardly flattering but at least it was before the hair went. I definitely saw him play for a world XI at the Oval once, but it doesnt seem to be on Cricinfo." He was a fine player and made that lovely hundred against Australia at Lord's during the 1999 World Cup. Zimbabwe had a really good team around then, surely their best.

13th over: Zimbabwe 58-5 (Ervine 28, Cremer 4) Steyn returns to the attack in pursuit of some free candy. Cremer survives an extremely tight run-out referral after being sent back by Ervine. Steyn concludes a lively over by dumping Ervine on his derriere with an excellent short ball.

"The brass music is a bit average but the drumming isn't bad," says John Starbuck. "Do we know who's playing?" I think it's Reni although it could be the bloke from Heavy Stereo.

WICKET! Zimbabwe 60-6 (Cremer c de Villiers b Kallis 6) A third wicket for big Jacques. He just has too much nous and too much bounce for the Zimbabweans. Cremer, trying to pull, gloved a short one down the leg side to de Villiers.

14th over: Zimbabwe 61-6 (Ervine 28, Utseya 1) The new batsman is Prosper Utseya, the scourge of Stick Cricket addicts throughout 2005. Jacques Kallis has bog-standard Twenty20 figures: 2-1-3-3.

"One of my batsman's called Adriaanus Benkenstein, who's clearly channelling South Africa's Dale Benkenstein," says Patrick Kingsley. "Big difference, though. Dale never played a Test. Adriaanus averages 70 from 87." Pah. He's go nothing on Sir Donald Ganteaume.

15th over: Zimbabwe 65-6 (Ervine 29, Utseya 2) Morne Morkel finishes with figures of 4-0-16-2. I've seen worse.

16th over: Zimbabwe 69-6 (Ervine 31, Utseya 4) Four from Johan Botha's third over. Pulitzer please!

WICKET! Zimbabwe 75-7 (Utseya c de Villiers b Steyn 5) AB de Villiers takes a stunning catch to give Dale Steyn his first wicket of the innings. Utseya fenced a short ball down the leg side, and de Villiers moved sharply to his left before diving full length to take a one-handed catch just above the turf.

17th over: Zimbabwe 75-7 (Ervine 36, Price 0) Steyn ends with figures of 4-0-9-1. "Following this summer's Olympics, and the amazing spectacle that was the Tour de France/Vuelta a Espagna, I've been kind of taking it for granted that if I like it, it'll probably be on TV, but I can't seem to find the T20 anywhere," says Mark Taylor. "Is it digital or nothing for this one?" Yep, every game is on Sky Sports. I don't think there are terrestrial highlights, though I'm not certain.

WICKET! Zimbabwe 77-8 (Ervine c de Villiers b Kallis 37) Jacques Kallis has four wickets for five runs. Ervine tried to steer a short one to third man but it got big on him and went straight through to AB de Villiers.

18th over: Zimbabwe 80-8 (Price 1, Jarvis 3) Jacques Kallis has bog-standard Twenty20 figures: 3-1-8-4.

19th over: Zimbabwe 86-8 (Price 3, Jarvis 6)

20th over: Zimbabwe 93-8 (Price 7, Jarvis 9) Ray Price hits the last ball of the innings for four, so Jacques Kallis fails to add a Twenty20 five-for to his glittering CV. What a miserable failure he is. He ends with figures of 4-1-15-4, and South Africa need 94 to win the match and eliminate Zimbabwe. See you in 10 minutes for their reply.

INNINGS BREAK

1st over: South Africa 15-0 (target 94; Levi 1, Amla 8) Kyle Jarvis's first over disappears for 15! Six of those are extras, with four leg-byes followed by couple of wides. Amla gets off the mark by flashing a slower ball to the extra-cover boundary, and he uppercuts another four off the final delivery.

2nd over: South Africa 24-0 (target 94; Levi 8, Amla 9) We're having a few technical problems I'm afraid. Richard Levi has a few technical issues, but they don't seem too concern him too much. He drags a pull off the left-arm seamer Vitori round the corner for four. Amla and Levi might be the definitive beauty-and-the-beast opening partnership.

3rd over: South Africa 31-0 (target 94; Levi 10, Amla 11) Ray Price, Zimbabwe's ageing left-arm spinner, comes into the attack. His last ball beats everybody, just bouncing over the stumps for three byes.

4th over: South Africa 38-0 (target 94; Levi 15, Amla 12) A good over from Kyle Jarvis – just three from the first five balls – is soiled when Levi boom-booms him over mid-on for a one-bounce four.

5th over: South Africa 44-0 (target 94; Levi 15, Amla 17) Hashim Amla opens his legs and shows his class, easing back in the crease to lash Price through the covers for four. South Africa are just fractionally ahead of the required rate.

6th over: South Africa 56-0 (target 94; Levi 27, Amla 18) Richard Levi hits a lovely boundary on the off side, flashing Vitori through the covers on the up. He repeats the dose off the final ball of the over. South Africa required 38 from 84 balls. The CH- word wouldn't begin to do things justice were they to lose this.

"Pointless is starting now," says Simon McMahon. "Should be over in time for Eggheads, though."

7th over: South Africa 60-0 (target 94; Levi 29, Amla 20) Prosper Utseya is coming into the attack to bowl some offspin. Were this Stick Cricket in 2005 he would win the match from here. I can't have been the only one to have Utseya go through my team like a dose of salts? Anyway, his first over is a good one that goes for four.

8th over: South Africa 64-0 (target 94; Levi 31, Amla 22) The legspinner Graeme Cremer is fiddled around for four singles.

9th over: South Africa 73-0 (target 94; Levi 38, Amla 24) Levi slams a flighted delivery from Utseya over midwicket for a one-bounce four. Not long now. Hang in there.

10th over: South Africa 79-0 (target 94; Levi 42, Amla 26) You can download and print off the recipes for later using the link on the left. Marmite Bloody Mary anyone? Don't say we didn't warn you!

11th over: South Africa 88-0 (target 94; Levi 47, Amla 29) Marmite beef fillet with a chasseur ragout? Really?

12th over: South Africa 91-0 (target 94: Levi 49, Amla 30) Amla is dropped by Sibanda, a hot chance at backward point off the bowling of Jarvis.

13th over: South Africa 94-0 (Levi 50, Amla 32). SOUTH AFRICA WIN BY 10 WICKETS WITH 44 BALLS TO SPARE Levi reaches a strong 44-ball half century, and then Amla finishes the mismatch with a single down the ground. Zimbabwe are out; South Africa are through the second group stage. Thanks for your emails; night.

World Twenty20South Africa cricket teamZimbabwe Cricket TeamCricketRob Smyth
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Football Weekly Extra: Close but no cigars for Chelsea and City in the Champions League

So much for those boring Champions League group stages, eh?

In today's Football Weekly Extraaaaaah, AC Jimbo has Rob Smyth, Paul MacInnes and Jonathan Wilson in the pod to marvel at some truly liquid football. Ronaldo's last-gasp winner against City – woof! Oscar's screamer against Juventus – double woof! PSG's Zlatan Ibrahimovic becoming the first player to score for six teams in the competition – legend woof!

Next, we look forward to all the weekend's action in the Premier League. Can Brendan Rodgers finally get his first win under his belt as Liverpool host Manchester United? Can City bounce back from their Madrid heartbreak to beat in-form Arsenal? And where will West Ham-Sunderland appear on the Match of the Day running order?

Jimbo's away in Los Angeles with his musclebound friends at the World's Strongest Man competition, so Max Rushden is in the presenter's chair for the next three shows. He's got Sean Ingle, Amy Lawrence and Philippe Auclair with him – so make sure you join us too.

James RichardsonBen GreenPaul MacInnesJonathan WilsonRob SmythSid Lowe

Afghanistan v India – as it happened | Rob Smyth

Afghanistan impressed with bat and ball in Colombo, but paid the price for terrible fielding with a 23-run defeat

Preamble Zindabad Afghanistan! If you aren't moved by the story of Afghanistan's cricket team – wonderfully told in this must-see slice of cinema – you should get on eBay and buy a new soul. Today they start their second World Twenty20 campaign as they did their first, against India. They are not yet strong enough to beat the top teams – insert your own England joke here – but they do have some fine players.

Like Mohammad Shahzad, who did this to Saeed Ajmal during a one-day international earlier this year.

An email "The format of this tournament is really pretty good," says Josh Robinson. "The presence of two competitive associate sides; twelve meaningful games in the group stages, where we know who the favourites are but which still have the opportunity for an upset; a second group stage that ought fairly reliably to tell us who the top four sides are; and then the finale of the semi-finals and final – and all taking place over less than three weeks. Obviously, the quality of the tournament might end up disappointing, but if it does, it'll be hard to blame the ICC for this. Is it premature to congratulate them for getting the format pretty much right?"

Nope, not at all. All three World T20s have been excellent; this will be too. I was going to say it would be very difficult for administrators to make a boring tournament out of such an intrinsically entertaining form of the game as Twenty20, but then I remembered the IPL.

Afghanistan have won the toss and will bowl first, perhaps with Duckworth/Lewis in mind because there are some clouds gathering in Colombo. "Insha'Allah we will do well," says their captain Nawroz Mangal. They are without their star player, the injured fast bowler Hamid Hassan. India have omitted Harbhajan Singh. We'll have the full teams just as soon as I can nick them off Sky or Cricinfo.

Another great video from the Robelinda archive. You thought Steve Harmison's wide in 2006 was bad? At least it wasn't his first delivery in Test cricket ...

The teams

Afghanistan Karim Sadiq, Asghar Stanikzai, Mohammad Shahzad (wk), Nawroz Mangal (c), Najibullah Zadran, Shafiqullah, Mohammad Nabi, Gulbodin Naib, Samiullah Shenwari, Dawlat Zadran, Shapoor Zadran.

India Sehwag, Gambhir, Kohli, Yuvraj, Raina, Sharma, Dhoni (c/wk), Ashwin, Pathan, Zaheer, Balaji.

1st over: India 8-0 (Gambhir 4, Sehwag 2) The first over, bowled by the left-arm seamer Shapoor Zadran, goes for eight. He starts with an off-side wide to Gambhir; that aside it's a decent, boundaryless over.

"Me again," says my reader Josh Robinson. "Any thoughts on the big KP story of the moment? I'm referring, of course, to his presence in the commentary box. Has anyone listened to him yet? I for one am particularly interested in hearing Nick Knight's judgment." I haven't seen him but apparently he's been very good. No surprise really: he has always been pretty eloquent about the mechanics of the game.

2nd over: India 15-0 (Gambhir 10, Sehwag 3) Dawlat Zadran so nearly strikes with his first ball! Gambhir got a leading edge that looped tantalisingly short of mid-off. In fact Gambhir could have been out twice off the same delivery; he ran through for a single and would have been miles out with a direct hit. Sehwag then misses an attempted cut stroke and edges a good outswinger wide of point. Gambhir gets the first boundary of the innings with a flick off the pads. The last ball of the over bounces twice before hitting the keeper Shahzad on the knee. After a couple of minutes' treatment he is fit to resume.

"Watching the Afghanistan players and hearing their national anthem I wonder if people truly appreciate the achievements of these players," says Rahul Nayyar. "They are all refugees who turned cricketers and if you have visited a refugee camp you would know it is a place without hope. Maybe cricket is what brought hope to these people."

WICKET! India 15-1 (Gambhir b Shapoor Zadran 10) Shapoor strikes! Gambhir felt outside off stump with no foot movement and dragged the ball back onto the stumps. It was a good delivery that came back into him, although it was a dreadful shot. Shapoor charges down the pitch, arms wide in celebration, and then punches the air joyously. In fact he may have punched it a little too zestily because he's wringing his hand in pain.

3rd over: India 20-1 (Sehwag 7, Kohli 1) The new batsman is Virat Kohli, the next superstar of world cricket. There's a run-out referral when the non-striker Sehwag is a little slow to get back, but he was okay. Later in the over Sehwag is beaten by a snorter that lifts sharply; he responds with a disdainful clip off middle stump for four; and Shapoor responds with another beauty that goes past the edge.

4th over: India 22-1 (Sehwag 8, Kohli 2) A fine over from Dawlat costs just a couple, the second of which came from a false stroke by Sehwag as he heaved across the line.

WICKET! ZINDABAD AFGHANISTAN! India 22-2 (Sehwag c Shahzad b Shapoor 8) Another one gone! This is outstanding bowling from Shapoor Zadran. He beat Sehwag twice at the back end of his second over and dismissed him with the first ball of the third, another excellent delivery that was angled across and took a thin edge on its way through to the keeper Mohammad Shahzad. Shapoor has two for 12. Zindabad Afghanistan!

5th over: India 29-2 (Kohli 2, Yuvraj 6) Yuvraj Singh gets off the mark with a stunning drive over long on for a 90-metre six. Wow. That's right: wow.

"I once pulled ligaments in both knees whilst reaching for a bacon sandwich," says Jo Beasley. "I don't remember much about it, apart from I'm pretty sure I'd asked for egg too." There are some amusing tales here. I don't think I've ever suffered a stupid injury, being an imperious specimen of masculinity and all. I did manage to get locked in my house once though. The office loved that one when I phoned in.

6th over: India 34-2 (Kohli 7, Yuvraj 6) Gulbodin Naib comes into the attack and is driven gloriously through the covers for four by Kohli, a shot of serious beauty. As Lord Selve observed a couple of weeks ago, England are going to be sick of the sight of Virat Kohli by the end of January.

"Did I hear something a while back about a proposed feature film on the rise of Afghan cricket?" says Janet Stevens. "With Sam Mendes said to be involved?? I have a few pieces saved on the general subject but can't see anything about this. Personally I would prefer to see a decent documentary with real people but have to admit that a Hollywood blockbuster or even an arthouse job would probably get the message out much more widely." I'm not sure; let's hope so. Either way, Out of the Ashes is unequivocally recommended.

7th over: India 41-2 (Kohli 10, Yuvraj 10) Karim Sadiq, the big-hitting opener, comes on to bowl some offspin and is milked for seven: 5x1, 1x2. "Wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where counties could employ two overseas players, on the condition that the second was from an associate country, so that players like O'Brien and Hassan could get regular top(ish) level cricket?" says Robert Razzell. What a fantastic idea. (A number of the Irish lads play county cricket anyway but that's not the point.)

8th over: India 51-2 (Kohli 17, Yuvraj 13) Bloody hell, that is an awesome shot. Gulbodin is a fraction too full to Kohli, who drives him miles back over his head for six. "My mate once required seven staples in his forehead after claiming 'I wanna be a stuntman' and running full-pelt into a doorframe," says Lee Calvert. "This injury succeeds in being both stupid and mind-numbingly (literally) obvious."

9th over: India 60-2 (Kohli 23, Yuvraj 16) Another stunning shot from Kohli, who drives the offspinner Sadiq inside-out and almost straight down the ground for four. If Virat Kohli does not go on to attain greatness, we might as well all pack up and go home. Some of the shots he plays are unreal. There are five singles in addition to that boundary. India are starting to impose themselves after their slow start.

"On the theme of generally being amazing I once managed to lock my keys in the car with the engine running," says David McGrath. "As I was due to be going to see the parents that weekend I had almost all my worldly possessions in the car including my flat keys ... where my spare car keys were. It felt incredible. I still think of it fondly from time to time and weep manly tears..."

10th over: India 68-2 (Kohli 25, Yuvraj 18) Here comes another offspinner, Mohammad Nabi – and he drops Yuvraj off his own bowling. It was a sharp chance, high above his head, although an international fielder would expect to take it. He follows that with three wides, tarnishing an otherwise good over. Afghanistan have done well to keep India's run-rate to 6.8, although you suspect it'll be a lot higher than that in 10 overs' time.

WICKET! India 68-3 (Yuvraj c S Zadran b Sadiq 18) Yuvraj goes, slicing the offspinner Sadiq straight to short third man. I would tell you more but my computer is acting the goat and I have to throw it out the window.

11th over: India 72-3 (Kohli 27, Raina 2) Just four from Sadiq's over. India bat a long way down, with MS Dhoni at No7, so there is nothing for them to worry about at this stage.

12th over: India 75-3 (Kohli 29, Raina 3) Nabi has dropped a sitter! Raina screwed the ball straight back to him, but it slipped through his hands and then dropped between his legs to the floor. "Close your legs sir!" says Nasser Hussain. It's still a good over for Afghanistan, however, with only three from it. India will have to go into Ten10 mode pretty soon.

13th over: India 88-3 (Kohli 41, Raina 4) Shenwari has put down another sitter! Kohli drilled Sadiq flat to long on, where Shenwari fumbled the ball over his shoulder for six. The bowler Sadiq drops to his knees in frustration and rests his head on the pitch. Dear me. Afghanistan would be on top had those chances been taken.

14th over: India 102-3 (Kohli 46, Raina 13) Shapoor Zadran comes back for his final over, and Kohli makes room to blitz a thrilling one-bounce four over extra cover. There's a change in wicketkeeper during the over, with Shahzad still struggling after that early blow on the knee. He limps off the field and is replaced behind the stumps by Karim Sadiq. When play resumes, Raina clubs Shapoor back over his head for another one-bounce four. As Nasser Hussain says, India have hit beautifully in the V today. In fact they've hit beautifully in the I, with a number of perfectly straight boundaries. The next ball is heaved to midwicket for another boundary. Shapoor ends with figures of 4-0-33-2.

15th over: India 111-3 (Kohli 48, Raina 20) Yet another simple catch has gone down. Raina leading-edged the legspinner Shenwari high in the air towards point, where the substitute fielder Izzatullah Dawlatzai never looked like taking the chance. He misjudged the flight of the ball and barely laid a hand on it as he dived forward. That's the fourth fairly straightforward chance that has been dropped.

"Sounds like Afghanistan need a fielding coach," says Gary Naylor. "Is Mark Waugh available?" If that has gone straight over your head, click this link at your earliest convenience.

WICKET! India 114-4 (Kohli c Nabi b Dawlat 50) Virat Kohli reaches his inevitable fifty from 38 balls, with four fours and two sixes. As Ramiz Raja says on Sky, this isn't a purple patch of form; this is how good he is forever more. Of course the moment I type that he falls, driving the new bowler Dawlat to long off. Mohammad Nabi, who dropped two much simpler chances off his own bowling, takes a wonderfully nonchalant running catch above his head.

16th over: India 115-4 (Raina 22, Dhoni 0) "I once managed to cut my head open using an apple crumble," says Andrew Thomas. "Sort of. For reasons I don't quite recall I stuck my finger into the middle of the crumble. Presumably I was trying to see if it was hot; it was, exceptionally. In pain and surprise I sprang across the room, into a protruding corner of wall, and started leaking from the head. My girlfriend took me to hospital, where over the course of a four-hour wait I set an all-comers record for the pitiful repetition of the word 'sorry'. It was her birthday." And you thought that scene in American Pie was embarrassing.

17th over: India 122-4 (Raina 28, Dhoni 1) Raina laces Shenwari towards extra cover. The fielder (I'm not sure who) charges round the boundary, lets the ball through his legs for four and pulls his hamstring in the process. In an age of ice baths, Gatorade chasers and unyielding fielding excellence, such haplessness is more than a little endearing. Seven from the over. Afghanistan might keep India to under 150 here.

18th over: India 131-4 (Raina 33, Dhoni 3) The antepenultimate over of the innings, bowled by the offspinner Mohammad Nabi, goes for nine. The only boundary from the over is a brilliant lofted flick from Raina goes for a one-bounce four to midwicket.

19th over: India 143-4 (Raina 34, Dhoni 8) Dawlat Zadran drags a wide down the leg side that slips away to the boundary. Actually Afghanistan are a little unfortunate as it hit Raina's body and should have been leg byes rather than wides. It's a mixed over, including three excellent yorkers but also a savage pull for four from Dhoni. Dawlat ends with fine figures of 4-0-25-1; he looks an excellent bowler. "Given that India are not exactly a Paul Collingwood clone army either, surely we should be holding our fielding judgements in abeyance until they've had a pop at it as well?" says Lee Calvert, not unreasonably.

WICKET! India 148-5 (Raina b Nabi 38) Raina, on the charge, is yorked by a quicker ball from Mohammad Nabi that defiles the off stump. That's very well bowled. There are four balls remaining.

20th over: India 159-5 (Dhoni 18, R Sharma 1) Dhoni screams an attempted yorker down the ground for four with devastatingly fast hands – and he ends the innings by hoicking the last ball high over midwicket for six! Sixteen from the last over, then, and Afghanistan need 160 to stop the press. They bowled well for the most part, but let themselves down with four desperate dropped catches.

INNINGS BREAK

1st over: Afghanistan 4-0 (target 160; Shahzad 2, Mangal 1) Shahzad will open the batting despite that knee injury. He doesn't really do nurdling at the best of times, never mind when he can't run. Zaheer Khan's first ball is full, wide – and Shahzad smashes it towards an imaginary low-flying aircraft 2000 feet above mid-off. Gambhir just about saves the boundary, with Shahzad limping back for a second. Heis beaten by consecutive deliveries after that.

"Playing volleyball at school, managed to slap myself sharply in the swingers after an energetic smash," says Luke Williams. "No real harm done, except in the pride department; only greenness around the gills and wateriness of the eyes. The teacher was ever so sympathetic, opining that, at my age (about 14), I should have known exactly how hard to handle myself in that particular area."

2nd over: Afghanistan 11-0 (target 160; Shahzad 8, Mangal 1) Whatever happened to Irfan Pathan, eh? He's here, opening the bowling, that's what. He's still only 27, even though he made his debut when Clive Gibbons was still in Neighbours. After the keeper Nawroz Mangal takes a quick single, Shahzad heaves a pull through midwicket for four. We sometimes talk to two-lengths bowling. Shahzad is a two-shots batsman: block and thwack.

"To bring this thread tenuously back towards an injury caused by cricket, I once cracked the top of my head open at a game," says Sam Fox. "I say tenuously as we had finished playing, and I did it walking under a tree snagging my scalp on a freshly cut branch. The best of it all was when my first-aid trained team-mate 'White Lightning' dashed out of the shower in the all-together to bandage me up."

White lightning, a man dashing out of the shower and Sam Fox. Isn't that an early 1990s daydream?

3rd over: Afghanistan 24-0 (target 160; Shahzad 17, Mangal 6) Shahzad survives an appeal for a catch down the leg side before helicoptering Zaheer through square leg for a sensational boundary. What a shot! What a shot. If an Englishman tried that he would be out for months with sprained wrists. Even MS Dhoni, who patented the shot, smiled at that. Shahzad throws the kitchen, bathroom and toilet sinks at the next delivery, edging it wide of slip for four. This is great fun. Shahzad is not quite Leverock-sized, but he has an admirable gut and he is giving a great exhibition of pinch-biffing.

"Dannii Minogue landed me in casualty," says Rich Harding, continuing the theme of early 90s daydreams freak injuries. "She was staying in the hotel where I was bars manager. She's fond of pineapple juice. One doesn't stock much of that, as a rule. I went to one of our function bars to get some more and loaded up one bottle too many, which dropped to the floor. Foolishly I tried to catch it, only doing so on the bounce. As it smashed, it sliced through the bit between thumb and forefinger. It was a Friday evening. Five hours in casualty later..." On a weekend evening as well. One of the most miserable experiences of my life was in casualty at Medway Hospital in the small hours of a Sunday morning. There was a huge brawl which started when one gentlemen inquired of another: "Sir, at what art thou looking?" The other replied: "An ugly !£@)."

WICKET! Afghanistan 26-1 (Shahzad c Yuvraj b L Balaji 18) Having lived by the long handle, Mohammad Shahzad dies by the long handle., He clunks a pull off L Balaji to mid on, where Yuvraj backpedals to take a good catch. Shahzad swishes his bat angrily. That was an infectious cameo of 18 from 16 balls.

4th over: Afghanistan 26-1 (target 160; Mangal 7, Sadiq 0) "I'm currently waiting for an operation on my knee, having messed up the cartilage when shifting 2000 CDs upstairs before a new carpet was fitted, then shifting them back again two days later," says John Starbuck. "Painful, but such a banal cause. My more bizarre injury was a dislocated jaw, when my then girlfriend became too enthusiastic in the kissing department. We split up soon after the hospital trip, but I often wonder if she claimed me as a notch on her belt." Wasn't that a film starring Madonna?

5th over: Afghanistan 32-1 (target 160; Mangal 12, Sadiq 1) The captain Nawroz Mangal gets his first boundary with a gorgeous cover drive off Irfan Pathan. He looks a pretty calm character in a batting line-up not exactly renowned for its even heartbeat. Pathan has a big LBW shout from the final ball. It seemed to be swinging down leg, but Hawkeye shows it was hitting a good portion of leg stump. Afghanistan need 128 from 90 balls to put a big dumb grin on the face of the cricket world.

6th over: Afghanistan 42-1 (target 160; Mangal 21, Sadiq 2) Nawraz picks Balaji up for a wonderful six over midwicket. It was full, straight, and he pinged it sweetly over the fence. Afghanistan are ahead on the comparison; India were 34 for two at this stage. Surely it couldn't.

7th over: Afghanistan 52-1 (target 160; Mangal 22, Sadiq 11) MS Dhoni turns to the part-time offspin of Rohit Sharma. The first three balls are milked for four – and then Karim Sadiq spanks him to long on for four. Ten from the over in total, during which Dhoni waves angrily at a couple of fielders. India are rattled here.

WICKET! Afghanistan 52-2 (Nawroz Mangal LBW b Yuvraj Singh 22) Yuvraj Singh strikes with his first ball. Nawroz played defensively outside the line of a ball angled in from around the wicket. I thought it might be sliding down, but Simon Taufel raised the finger and there are no reviews in this tournament. Hawkeye shows it was hitting the outside of leg stump, and the captain Nawroz has gone for 22 from 18 balls.

8th over: Afghanistan 54-2 (target 160; Sadiq 12, Stanikzai 1) The new batsman is Asghar Stanikzai. An excellent over from Yuvraj goes for just two. Afghanistan need 106 from 72 balls.

9th over: Afghanistan 62-2 (target 160; Sadiq 19, Stanikzai 1) Karim Sadiq does not really care about reputations. He sledged Shoaib Akhtar after hitting him for six a couple of years ago, and now he has smeared R Ashwin's second ball for a one-handed four, straight back over the bowler's head. Eight from the over, the last delivery of which is a beauty, the other one slipping past Stanikzai's outside edge and just missing off stump.

"In the run up to my end of second year exams I took the opportunity to procrastinate my exam revision and went with friends to watch some other friends compete in a rowing race on the Thames," says Hugh Maguire. "In the exuberance brought on by lubricating our eyes for the better watching of the rowers I decided to climb a tree on the towpath which I discovered I could not climb down. Undaunted I leapt from the tree onto the river bed and broke my leg. A resit year ensued."

10th over: Afghanistan 69-2 (target 160; Sadiq 24, Stanikzai 3) Sadiq makes a touch of room against Yuvraj and flashes him off the stumps past short third man for four. That's a fine stroke. It's another decent over for Afghanistan, with seven from it.

"Afternoon Rob," says Andrew Benzeval. "In order to preserve their chances of success, can we agree that we won't use the words 'The Afghans are in with a chance here' and thus nixing them in a very British fashion? Of course, me saying that, even to deny it, will do the job just as well, and I see they've lost another wicket as I was typing this email up... "

11th over: Afghanistan 74-2 (target 160; Sadiq 26, Stanikzai 5) Dhoni misses a stumping chance off a wide. Sadiq charged Ashwin, knocking himself off his feet as he aimed a huge blow to leg, but in doing so he blocked Dhoni's view of the ball and it hit him on the body. That allowed Sadiq time to get back in his crease. Just five from a very good Ashwin over, however, and the required rate has jumped to 9.56 per over.

WICKET! Afghanistan 75-3 (Sadiq c Gambhir b Yuvraj 26) Sadiq has gone this time, top-edging a sweep towards deep square leg, where Gambhir takes an excellent running catch.

WICKET! Afghanistan 75-4 (Stanikzai c Dhoni b Yuvraj 0) Two wickets in two balls. A jaffa from Yuvraj spits and takes the thinnest of edges as Stanikzai feels defensively. MS Dhoni does the rest to give Yuvraj his third wicket. Who needs five bowlers?

12th over: Afghanistan 76-4 (target 160; Nabi 0, Shenwari 1) Shenwari survives the hat-trick ball, but that over – two runs, two wickets – has surely sealed the match for India. Yuvraj has figures of 3-0-11-3.

WICKET! Afghanistan 76-5 (Shenwari ct and b Ashwin 1) The innings in unraveling like Nana's old sweater. Shenwari chips a routine return chance to Ashwin, and Afghanistan have lost three wickets in six balls.

13th over: Afghanistan 80-5 (target 160; Nabi 2, Shafiqullah 2)

14th over: Afghanistan 93-5 (target 160; Nabi 9, Shafiqullah 8) Mohammad Nabi knows how to hit sixes. He struck five against Sri Lanka A at the weekend during a 22-ball half-century, and he has just charged Yuvraj to launch a 96-metre beauty over long on. And now Shafiquallh has hit one too, mowing a long hop high over midwicket! Thirteen from the over; that leaves Afghanistan needing 67 from 36 balls. Where's Eoin Morgan when you need him?

WICKET! Afghanistan 100-6 (Shafiqullah LBW b Pathan 8) Shafiqullah is sawn off by Asad Rauf. He got a big inside edge off Irfan Pathan, but Asad Rauf raised the finger and, with no reviews in this tournament, Shafiquallah had to walk.

15th over: Afghanistan 100-6 (target 160; Nabi 15, Gulbodin 0) "I have been hospitalised FOUR TIMES with injuries to the index finger on my left hand," says Mike Rogers. "The roll call: 1) The end of it (subsequently sewn back on) pulled off by a faulty mechanism in a conveyor belt at a popular supermarket; 2) Slashed by a Swiss Army Knife I was messing about with (immediately confiscated); 3) Accident with glass pipette in a lab class, which culminated in a knackered student doctor fishing around in the wound for glass that, as it turned out, had already fell out, and a tetanus shot in my arse. Got exciting sympathy snog a few days later, but she'd gone off me by the time I'd healed; 4) In afternoon, purchased nice new kitchen knife. In evening, sliced end of finger off with nice new kitchen knife."

Have you ever thought that some things aren't meant to be? Like an index finger.

16th over: Afghanistan 116-6 (target 160; Nabi 30, Gulbodin 1) Mohammad Nabi has just played the shot of the match, driving Zaheer Khan on the up over cover for six! That is utterly outrageous. For all the fun of the fair when Shahzad is batting, Nabi looks their most accomplished batsman. Three balls later he pings a low full toss through backward square leg for four more. He has larruped Zaheer Khan for 16 from the over. Afghanistan need 44 from four overs. India were 115 for four at this stage. What an effort. Just imagine if they hadn't dropped those catches.

WICKET! Afghanistan 119-7 (Mohammad Nabi c R Sharma b Ashwin 31) R Ashwin has won the match for India. He has taken the vital wicket of Mohammad Nabi, who made a thrilling 31 from 17 balls. Ashwin stopped during his bowling action, as he sometimes does, and Nabi screwed a big drive high to long on.

17th over: Afghanistan 119-7 (target 160 from 20 overs; Gulbodin 3, Najibullah 0) A superb over from Ashwin – just three from it. He finishes with figures of 4-0-20-2.

WICKET! Afghanistan 125-8 (Najibullah Zadran run out 5) Najibullah is run out in comic circumstances. He was the chap who pulled his hamstring earlier in the day, and, with no runners allowed, he has been limping singles since getting to the crease. He tried to steal another but, after hobbling more than halfway down the pitch, he was sent back by Gulbodin and was just short of the crease when the bowler Balaji broke the stumps. Najibullah limps another 50 yards off the field.

18th over: Afghanistan 126-8 (target 160 from 20 overs; Gulbodin 4, Dawlat 0) "Whatever happens, Afghanistan have set this tournament alight in a splendid way and with some proper cricket," says Clare Davies. "They seem to be here on more merit than Ireland on today's play. Once they get mitts on the ball in the field (and going back a bit, is Mark Waugh available?) they have the potential to become a real threat. I've enjoyed today so much more than yesterday."

19th over: Afghanistan 136-8 (target 160 from 20 overs; Gulbodin 5, Dawlat 8) The No10 Dawlat plays a ridiculous stroke, making room to slam Pathan through extra cover for four – and then he drags a slower ball for four more. Afghanistan need 24 from the last over to win. If they manage it, approximately 97 exclamation marks will appear on your screen in the next few minutes.

WICKET! Afghanistan 136-9 (Gulbodin Naib c Raina b Balaji 5) Gulbodin top edges a short ball from Balaji to mid off to leave Afghanistan needing 24 from four balls. Mathematicians around the cricket world are chuntering with excitement; everyone else knows it over.

WICKET! Afghanistan 136 all out (Dawlat b Balaji 8). INDIA WIN BY 23 RUNS L Balaji yorks Dawlat to finish an enjoyable match. India won, as we always knew they would, but Afghanistan gave them a game, with Mohammad Nabi and Dawlat particularly impressive. They play England on Friday, and a seismic shock certainly should not be discounted, especially if they remember how to catch a ball. Thanks for your emails; night.

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Not So Forgotten Story: Manchester United v Galatasaray, 1993 | Rob Smyth

Few had expected much from Galatasaray in the European Cup, but United were out of their depth on the pitch amid terrifying hostility and harassment off it

Sir Alex Ferguson's quest to win the European Cup with Manchester United was the sort of epic tale that usually takes a lot more than six years. It culminated at the Nou Camp in 1999, when Ferguson uttered his most famous phrase, and pretty much began when United were eliminated by Galatasaray in November 1993. You might call it From Hell to Football, Bloody Hell.

During that trip to Istanbul 19 years ago, Ferguson said United were "exposed … to as much hostility and harassment as I have ever known on a football expedition". In his autobiography, Gary Pallister went further. "It was a terrifying business which had nothing to do with sport, and can be categorised objectively as an absolute disgrace." A number of United players were assaulted by police; Steve Bruce was almost maimed by a flying brick; and 164 United fans were thrown in the cells without food or drink and then deported for the crime of breathing in oxygen. But, as Rob Hughes wrote in the Times, this was all a "violent smokescreen to a more horrid truth" – that United, and English football, were out of their depth in the European Cup.

"No Champions League for Manchester United, and in the Ali Sami Yen stadium here yesterday they made a poor case for belonging to anybody's league of champions," wrote David Lacey in this paper. In the Times, Hughes said that "The better team by some distance prevailed." Hugh McIlvanney's verdict in the Observer was even more damning. "After more than three decades of reporting British involvement in the European Cup, it is difficult to remember another occasion when genuinely outstanding challengers from this country fell so pathetically short of their true standards on a foreign ground."

United were cruising towards the retention of the Premier League; going into the second leg, they had a staggering 11-point lead after only 13 games. The general assumption was that, even with the debilitating foreigner rule that permitted only five overseas and assimilated players, they could challenge Milan, Barcelona and Monaco for the trophy. They beat Honved pretty comfortably in the first round, 5-3 on aggregate, and few people expected Galatasaray to give them any problems. If United won this tie they would progress to the last eight and the lucrative Champions League. In his brilliant book Are You Watching Liverpool?, Jim White wrote that victory "was the most certain thing this side of a date with a nurse". There have also been strong rumours that United's chief scout Les Kershaw – echoing Howard Wilkinson's infamous scouting report from Italia 90 – said that Galatasaray were nothing to worry about.

Turkish football had come a long way from when Bryan Robson helped West Bromwich Albion win 3-1 away to Galatasaray in the Uefa Cup in 1978, and this would be its greatest night. Galatasaray were an accomplished side – their spine of Bulent Korkmaz, Tugay and Hakan Sukur was also the spine of the Turkey side that ended 42 years on the periphery of international football by qualifying for Euro 96 – yet far from world-beaters. They had won the title only because of an 8-0 away win at Ankaragucu SK on the final day of the previous season; and in the 10 games they played in the European Cup that season, their only two victories were against Cork City, each by a single goal.

They did not need to beat United, instead putting them out on away goals. That seemed impossible when United took an early 2-0 lead in the first leg at Old Trafford. That start prompted a hubris which, as ever, would beget nemesis. Ferguson said United "replaced controlled aggression with self-indulgence"; before they knew it they were 3-2 down and facing a first European defeat at Old Trafford as Galatasaray passed through them with alarming ease. Eric Cantona scored a late equaliser, although the second half was as notable for Peter Schmeichel's roughhouse treatment of a Kurdish demonstrator off the pitch. Schmeichel erroneously thought he was burning a United flag. It set the mood for the second leg.

"They will be waiting for you at the airport," promised Galatasaray's German manager Reiner Hollmann after the first leg, with a twinkle in his eye. So they were. United were greeted by hundreds of fans chanting furiously. "Wellcome to the Hell!" (sic) was the most famous of many banners. Another said "This is the end of the road". It did not specify whether it referred to United's European hopes or United's players' lives. A fan got right in Paul Parker's face and offered a touch of clarity: "You will die."

Reaction to the welcome was mixed. Lacey wrote that it was "good-humoured if fervent"; in the Express, Steve Curry said that "it was the crazed delirium usually witnessed on news bulletins from Islamic rallies in Iraq". On the plane home, Schmeichel bollocked a load of journalists for unnecessarily scaring his family. United players smiled their way through it, albeit a little nervously. When he was asked the following day about the "riot" at the airport, Ferguson smiled: "You've obviously never seen a Glasgow wedding."

Nonetheless, the hostility was obvious. When United arrived at their beautiful hotel, Pallister trailed in last, doing things in his own time as usual. As he walked past a bellboy and smiled politely, the bellboy drew his finger across his throat. On the day before the game, an Istanbul paper launched into a prolonged rant against English football, the highlight of which was "Stuff Turkey, stuff this, stuff that, we'll see tomorrow who gets stuffed!" It was a recurring metaphor; after the game, the headline in one paper was "The Turkey mounted the English".

First it assaulted the English ears. On the day of the match, the majority of fans arrived eight or nine hours before the game. When United went out to look around a couple of hours before kick-off, they were hit by the most magnificent wall of sound. "The most incredible noise I've ever experienced in my life," said Gary Neville, who at the time was an 18-year-old with one first-team appearance to his name. The way the chanting was organised, one side of the ground followed by the other, gave new meaning to the phrase "end-to-end stuff". United were an exceptionally hard team with a spine of Schmeichel, Bruce, Pallister, Paul Ince, Roy Keane, Mark Hughes and Cantona. But they had never seen anything like this. Pallister said that "It made Anfield look like a tea party".

Pallister missed the game with injury; that and the foreigner rule left Ferguson with some tricky decisions. He had to omit one of Schmeichel, Cantona, Giggs, Denis Irwin, Keane and Hughes. Eventually he plumped for Hughes, to general astonishment.

The game was a stinker. A combination of a lively pitch, Galatasaray's man-to-man marking and time wasting, not to mention United's painful lack of street wisdom, meant United got no momentum and did not create a single clear chance. Lee Sharpe had a goal disallowed but the best opportunity went to Gala, with Schmeichel making a remarkable save from Hakan. Galatasaray fully deserved to go through. "They were tough and wily," said Keane in his autobiography. "They pulled every stroke in the book." The match was over before United knew it; there are occasional rumours that they thought League Cup rules applied – with away goals kicking in after extra time rather than before. They wouldn't have scored anyway.

"There can be no excuse for that terrible performance and I'm not going to waste time looking for one," said Ferguson in the aftermath of the game. "It was depressing to see how completely frustrated our fellas were when Galatasaray man-marked everybody." Cantona's verdict was simple. "Galatasaray is a little team but today so were Manchester United."

Cantona had lost his rag long before the end. In the 77th minute, with Galatasaray faffing over a throw-in, he booted the ball out of the reserve keeper Nezih Ali Bologlu's hands and then floored him with an elbow to the chest. He could have been sent off for that; he did walk at the final whistle after informing the Swiss referee Kurt Röthlisberger what he thought of his performance. (Some say Cantona did not say a word to Röthlisberger, who was a French teacher, although his gestures probably made things clear enough.) As Röthlisberger waved the red card, Cantona punched the ball miles in the air with a strength we still can't quite fathom. (Watch it here, it's ridiculous.)

Cantona was convinced Röthlisberger was on the take. He was banned from refereeing for life in 1997 after being found guilty of bribery and, though there have been subsequent allegations about this game, nothing has ever been proven. The reality is that Terry Christian could have refereed the game and Galatasaray would probably still have gone through.

At the time, there were bigger problems with officialdom to worry about. "As the referee blew the final whistle I could see in Eric's eyes that he had gone," wrote Robson in his autobiography. He took Cantona by the arm to lead him off the pitch; they were accompanied by a policeman, all the way to the top of the pitchside tunnel that led to the dressing rooms underneath the ground.

Then, in a rather different sense than usual, United took the result on the chin. "I was just about to thank the policeman when he punched Eric. Eric stumbled down a couple of steps, so I turned to throw a punch at the copper," wrote Robson. "As I did, a shield smashed into the back of me. I fell down a few steps, bashing my elbow against the wall. Eric wanted to go back up and fight, but by then the other lads were coming down the steps and calmed us down."

Robson needed six stitches in his elbow. Parker was also clouted down a few steps, where Schmeichel broke his fall. ("I am never going back to Turkey," said Parker in Glory Glory! "Never.") United's players did not start it, but nor were they a group of pacifists. "We had a few who could look after themselves," said Bruce. "We gave as good as we got."

They almost gave a bit more. "In the dressing room Eric went crazy," says Keane in his autobiography. "While the rest of us just wanted to get out of there, he was determined to go back outside to sort out the rogue cop who'd been wielding his truncheon. Eric was a big, strong lad. He was serious. He insisted he was going to kill 'that fucker'. It took the combined efforts of the [assistant] manager, Brian Kidd, and a few of the players to restrain him. Normally I wouldn't have backed off a fight, but even I wasn't up for this one. There were a lot of Turks out there!"

Ferguson said that "the police were even more frightening than the fans". Compared with this hellish fury, United's players would have taken a woman scorned any day. It did not end there. The bus was bricked on the way back to the hotel; one shattered a window where Bruce had been resting his head. "If it had smashed through I'd have been dead," he said. "That would have just about summed it up."

All the while there were groups of United fans on their way back to Manchester, most or all of whom had done nothing wrong. Hundreds of others were battered around the city the night before the match. Some were dumped in the Bayrampasa jail, made notorious by the film Midnight Express. One group of fans did not get home for a month. Their experiences were inevitably, miserably, covered up by the authorities.

It took a long time for the anger to go away. "One only has to watch the pre-second-leg footage from the United video to see that the lack of what we considered to be proper civilisation in Turkey created such angst in the United team that what followed was scarcely sport as we know it," wrote Richard Kurt in the excellent United! Despatches From Old Trafford. "What they did to our fans alone merited their exclusion from the cup as a nation unfit to receive visitors."

When Ferguson was interviewed soon after for United's new VHS magazine, he was asked if he was glad to be out of Turkey. "Och, you bet. I'll no' be going back!" In fact he went back a year later, when United again drew 0-0 in very different circumstances, and will be returning again in November.

The horror movie of 1993 became a vital part of United's European education. Gary Neville, who was brought on for the last few minutes to deliver some long throws, said he "learned more in 10 minutes than I had in the previous two years". It was not only the inexperienced who picked up new tricks; the whole club learned about man-to-man marking, the need for central-midfield discipline, not to mention the alien environments they would encounter on their quest to lift the giant trophy. United didn't only go to hell; they also went to school. But you'd have been a brave man to accentuate the positive in the United dressing room on the night of 3 November 1993.

Click here for footage of United's trip to Istanbul

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The Spin | Afghanistan are now part of international cricket's furniture | Rob Smyth

The Afghans are full of character, charm and innocence but they should not be underestimated by opponents

"The novelty has worn off" is an odd phrase, with unnecessarily limited, negative connotations. Sometimes the novelty fades and the excitement remains. Afghanistan are by far the most interesting team at the World Twenty20 which started in Sri Lanka on Tuesday; it's just that they are no longer new. They are now part of international cricket's furniture. It is not a shock they qualified. It would have been a surprise had they not done so.

Afghanistan – who play India in Group A on Wednesday before facing England on Friday – are a team of irrepressible optimists; full of character, charm and innocence; free of the cynicism and entitlement that pollute modern sport. They are subject to the unique goodwill, affection and gratitude that only occurs when you are exploring virgin territory on behalf of your country. Theirs is a tale the whole cricket world has embraced. The more you delve into their story, the more you fall in love with it. If you have not yet seen the life-affirming documentary Out of the Ashes, your LoveFilm list is in urgent need of revision.

"There is a lot of problems in the world today, you know?" the then national coach Taj Malik says in the documentary. "And everywhere, everywhere, there is complex fighting. The solution of all the problems ... is cricket." Nawroz Mangal, the captain, estimates the cricket-playing population of Afghanistan at more than 500,000. "After participating in this World Cup, if we do better, I expect 30 to 40% of the population to start playing cricket." The swashbuckling wicketkeeper-batsman Mohammad Shahzad says their participation "could be a positive step towards bringing peace to the country".

The word "journey" has become a little hackneyed in the reality TV age, but Afghanistan's journey is worth revisiting. It began in refugee camps during the Soviet occupation of 1979-89, where cricket was played using shoes for stumps and balls made out of torn-up shirts. The national team became affiliated to the ICC in 2001, when they went on their first tour, a trip across the Pakistan border from Kabul to Rawalpindi. As recently as 2008 they were playing in Division Five of the ICC World Cricket League against Japan, Jersey, Singapore, Botswana and the Bahamas. That was the start of a series of qualifiers for the last 50-over World Cup which took them to Jersey, Tanzania, Argentina and finally South Africa. Their dream of World Cup qualification ended with defeat to Canada in 2009 but they received ODI status at the end of the same tournament.

Afghanistan then qualified for the World T20 in 2010, where they were beaten by India and South Africa. Last month they played their first ODI against Australia and were far from embarrassed during a 66-run defeat. Mohammad Nabi clubbed four sixes while the boyish No9, Gulbodin Naib – whose endearing fixation with his Popeye muscles was a recurring theme of Out of the Ashes – showed the value of that gym work by hammering three sixes in nine balls off Mitchell Johnson and James Pattinson.

That match is one of only two ODIs against a Test-playing nation – they also lost to Pakistan by seven wickets in February – but they have an overall record of 12 wins and 11 defeats in that form of the game. In T20 internationals their record is won six and lost five, again with defeats in both their matches against a major nation. They have not played enough games to qualify for a place in the ICC T20 rankings, although their points total would put them 10th, above Ireland and Zimbabwe – and, for a few days a fortnight ago, Australia.

Afghanistan are probably not yet ready to beat one of the big nations. That day will come, however, and a victory against England – who have lost to Associate nations in two of the past three global tournaments – should not be completely discounted. "We have a very competitive team," says the ACB chief executive Hamid Shinwari, "and I hope that they will put up a better show in this year's event."

They were comfortably beaten in both matches in the Caribbean two years ago, although they left their mark. The lower order swung merrily to recover from 14 for six and 32 for eight to reach 80 against South Africa, while Hamid Hassan took three for 21 in that match and one for eight from three overs against India.

Hassan is the best fast bowler among the Associate and Affiliate nations. Afghanistan are not yet Associate members of the ICC, and share Affiliate status with, among others, Cameroon, Luxembourg and the Isle of Man. His former coach, the Pakistan wicketkeeper Rashid Latif, says he is "good enough to represent even a full nation in a developed team". His strength, yorkers and ability to swing the ball both ways, prompted Clive Lloyd to say that he reminded him a little of Waqar Younis. As a child he played in secret, because his father hated cricket. Now he loves expressing his talent in public. Hassan's aggression and love of wearing bandanas – with a lick of sunblock on his cheek – have led to him being described as the "Rambo of Afghanistan cricket".

He has been included in the squad despite fitness concerns. Hassan was badly injured playing for an Associate and Affiliate XI against England in Dubai in January, when he dismissed Andrew Strauss and Jonathan Trott during a lively spell, and has bowled only a handful of overs in the past eight months. In his absence, Dawlat Zadran has been Afghanistan's premier new-ball bowler: he was the only non-Irishman included on the five-man shortlist for Associate and Affiliate Player of the Year at last week's ICC Awards.

Fast bowling is probably Afghanistan's strongest suit, but batting is their most eye-catching. They are not especially savvy and do not really do nurdling, instead preferring to embrace an unashamed six-addiction. Nabi clouted five in a 22-ball half-century during a warmup against Sri Lanka A on Saturday. Overall Afghanistan hit 13 sixes in their 20 overs.

It has almost become a cliche to refer to Afghanistan's cricketers as fearless, yet that is the way they play the game. Nobody exemplifies that more than the hard-hitting opener, Karim Sadiq, who goes after bowlers from the moment the umpire calls "play". In the final of the World T20 qualifiers against Ireland, he pulled the first ball of the match from Warwickshire's Boyd Rankin over the ropes.

When Afghanistan met Pakistan in February, Shahzad reverse swept Saeed Ajmal, the world's best spinner, for an amazing six. And in a warmup game ahead of the last World T20, Sadiq smashed consecutive short balls from Shoaib Akhtar to the boundary, one of them on to a roof. As Shoaib prepared to share a few four-letter insights, Sadiq got in with the pre-emptive sledge: "This is not club cricket." It was international cricket, and it is where Afghanistan unquestionably belong.• This is an extract from the Spin, the Guardian's free weekly cricket email. To sign up, click here.

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Football transfer rumours: Man Utd to sign another striker?

Today's tall tales are so far behind in the race they actually believe they're leading

Sir Alex Ferguson's legacy is secure. He's the man who won a million trophies, got "squeaky bum time" in the dictionary and will soon become the first man to give his weekly press conference to an empty room because he's banned every single hack on the planet. It's never too late for an old dog to teach the world new tricks, and it seems Ferguson is intent on bequeathing football a new formation before his retirement: the jaunty 5-0-5. How else to explain the fact that Manchester United have spent the last few years hoovering up players in every position except midfield.

In this morning's finger-blackening rags, United have been linked with another centre forward: Benfica's Nélson Oliveira, from the ever-rewarding Jorge Mendes stable, would be just the 47th striker on United's books were he to join the club. He is currently on loan at Deportivo from Benfica, where he has a £24m buy-out clause. Manchester City, Chelsea and Barcelona have also hired a set of peepers to monitor his form.

Barcelona would also like to bundle Newcastle's excellent Dutch goalkeeper Tim Krul into the boot of their car and take him to a place where men go topless because of the sun rather than their innate wackiness. Barcelona want Krul for the role of Copa del Rey specialist and understudy to Víctor Valdés in the games they actually care about.

United are also keen on Torino's Italian international defender Angelo Ogbonna. We should have mentioned that but we're not very good with structure.

Former West Ham jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none Nigel Reo-Coker is going to join Charlton. Reo-Coker has been a free agent since leaving Bolton in the summer.

Another free agent, former Everton charmer Royston Drenthe, is about to join PAOK Salonika.

Southampton have had enough of watching former Sunderland goalkeeper Kelvin Davis retrieve a football from some netting, and would instead like to watch former Sunderland goalkeeper Craig Gordon retrieve a football from some netting.

Another big money Roy Keane signing, Kenwyne Jones, is wanted on loan by Leeds and Leicester. Jones has fallen down the Stoke pecking order, and realised the essential futility of life, after the signing of former footballer Michael Owen.

That's about it. The Mill is only as good as the tabs it steals- sorry, homages information from. We thought about making some up PHIL BROWN HAS BEEN SEEN IN A STEAMY CLINCH WITH SCARLETT JOHANSSON WHILE BRIAN HORTON WATCHES but we're not going to stoop to that.

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Temper tantrums and foul-mouthed rants are football's guilty pleasures | Rob Smyth

Joe Kinnear swore 52 times in a press conference but he was not the first and will not be the last manager to lose his rag

It's one of the more common laments about modern football. The game is so cut-throat, so results driven, that players and managers have lost the childlike joy that made them fall in love with football in the first place. This may be true, but it does not mean they have completely lost touch with their inner child. And not losing touch allows them to lose something else: their temper. Many football people have certainly retained the capacity for monumental tantrums over relatively trivial matters. Like football.

Watching a grown adult spectacularly mislay the plot is one of life's guiltiest pleasures, and football pleasures us more than most of life's walks in this regard. A proud tradition was continued by the Norway goalkeeper, Rune Jarstein, after their 2-1 win over Slovenia on Tuesday. When asked on Norway's TV2 channel whether he was at fault for Slovenia's goal, Jarstein walked out of the interview and threw his headset away in rage. He'd regret that in the morning, right? Well, maybe not: Jarstein was still boiling on Wednesday and reportedly threatened a photographer. Eventually he calmed down and apologised.

On the grand football meltdown scale, Jarstein's eruption was fairly tame. They tend to be the preserve of managers rather than players – and nobody has done it better than the former Newcastle manager Joe Kinnear during his infamous press conference in 2008, which contained 52 swear words in five minutes. As tone-setting opening gambits go, Kinnear's is up there: "Which one's Simon Bird? You're a cahnt!" Even better was his follow-up – "OK, I've said it to your face" – which confirmed the non-negotiable code of honour. It is fine to use the vilest swearword of all to describe someone, just so long as you look them in the eye and say it.

In his head, Kinnear had confirmed he was a stand-up guy. He also showed the comic timing of a stand-up veteran. For the rest of the press conference he settled for a one-size-fits-all response: "Fack off." But this was not just the ranting of a man in urgent need of Listerine. Kinnear's timing was immaculate, particularly when he asked one of the journalists: "What are you, my personal secretary?" and then left a beautiful pause before applying the pay‑off: "Fack off."

Another former Newcastle manager, Kevin Keegan, was responsible for perhaps English football's most famous outburst. The inevitable focus on "I would love it" has obscured an even better line, the sinister suggestion that "I've kept really quiet". Keegan's outburst also overshadowed another Monday-night meltdown earlier in the 1995-96 season from Ron Atkinson, whose Coventry side had been beaten by Southampton.

When Sky's Richard Keys suggested Coventry were in relegation trouble, Big Ron tried to count to 10 and got as far as nought. "I'm sorry ... you can sit there and play with all your silly machines," he said. "If the boys play badly I'll whip 'em, but I ain't whipping them for that. Who was the man of the match by the way?" Keys confirmed that it was the Southampton keeper, Dave Beasant. "So we must have played not bad then. Thanks lads, goodnight." At which point Atkinson tore off his headphones, threw them in the direction of the producer and lunged towards him with hard-faced purpose. For a split second it seemed like he might be about to apply a right-hander; in fact he was leaning in to apologise for his overzealous headphone-return policy.

Atkinson's successor at Old Trafford, Sir Alex Ferguson, often welcomes the media into a ring of ire. The best example came in 2002, when he told his friends from the press who had criticised Juan Verón: "He's a fuckin great player. Youse are all fuckin idiots." It's an observation he presumably shared in the mirror when Ferguson sold Verón a year later.

Sometimes it's the quiet ones you have to watch: the former Rangers manager Walter Smith's calm slaying of BBC Scotland's Chick Young – who suggested that Brian Laudrup and Basile Boli were struggling in Europe – was chilling in its softly spoken ferocity. If there was steam coming out of his ears, then the steam coming out of his mouth was even scarier: rarely has the act of breathing been quite such an intimidatory gesture.

Football has always been able to turn the nice guys into red-faced fools. After Liam Brady's Brighton side drew embarrassingly with Canvey Island in the FA Cup in 1995, he responded to even the most routine questions by fixing the interviewer with a look of contempt usually reserved for adults who find whoopee cushions hilarious. Eventually Brady announced: "If my granny had balls she'd be my grandad," gave the interviewer a gentle shove and flounced off.

Others who have famously lost their temper include Giovanni Trapattoni and Louis van Gaal. That Jarstein has joined a club that includes some of football's greatest names is probably little consolation. Even if he wins 150 caps for Norway, he will always be remembered for his meltdown, and as the man who put the 'ars' in 'Jarstein'.

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The Joy of Six: one-on-one finishes | Rob Smyth

Kanu, a Careca cracker and a 25-yard header from Diego Maradona feature in our list of memorable one-on-ones

1) Davor Suker, Croatia 1-2 Germany, European Championship quarter-final, 23 June 1996

One on one. Man to man. Those phrases suggest integrity, nobility even; a bit of eye contact and generally doing things by the book, as men should. Not in football. In football the best one-on-ones are all about deception. You want honesty, go have a drop ball. A one-on-one offers scope for the simulation it's OK to like. An attacker has all sorts of tools at his disposal. Stepovers and dragbacks; dummies and shimmies; sleight of foot, hip or eyes. Their weapons also include time – by taking the shot early or delaying it – and even the past, as Diego Maradona and Michael Thomas have shown.

Yet the greater the attempted deception, the more copious the egg on your coupon if it goes wrong – as with a Panenka in a different type of one-on-one, from the penalty spot. You act like the king, you best not miss. This is why the best one-on-one finishers need something more than fast feet and a slow heartbeat. They need something that allows them to take such liberties with a football. It's round, it has a circumference of 69 cm, it weighs between 420 and 445 grams - and that's just the left one.

Deception has been behind so many brilliant one-on-one finishes, including those by Alex Del Piero, Luis Figo, Ronaldo, Diego Maradona, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Claudio López and Peter Beardsley. All magnificent goals, but we particularly heart Davor Suker's equaliser against Germany in the Euro 96 quarter-final, when he dragged his studs over the ball to completely befuddle Andreas Kopke. It was a masterpiece of arrogance, technique and imagination. Suker had already scored a memorable goal in the group stages, chipping the ball deliciously over Peter Schmeichel to complete Croatia's 3-0 victory over Denmark. For two weeks in the summer of 1996, impressionable, delicate aesthetes all over England fell madly in love with him – principally for those two finishes and his attempt to lob Schmeichel from the halfway line.

Croatia eventually lost 2-1 to Germany, but all anyone remembers from the game is Suker's goal. These things matter. Had he simply passed the ball into the net against Denmark and Germany, Croatia's first appearance at a major tournament would have been largely forgotten outside Zagreb and the immediate environs. Instead it's still being talked about in Friday-morning list pieces 16 years later.

2) Careca, Brazil 2-1 Sweden, World Cup Group C, 10 June 1990

In a sane and just world, all one-on-ones would involve an attempt to go round the goalkeeper*. Of all the options available to a striker it's the most emphatic, brooking not a solitary argument. It's also the most elegant, the most artistic and – we know how important this is to you, dear readers – the most cool. Increasingly, it's also one of the most unusual. When Paolo Di Canio went past Raimond van der Gouw to score for West Ham against Manchester United, the BBC's Barry Davies lamented the reluctance of players to do that anymore – and that was 13 years ago.

Our favourite example of a player going round the keeper comes from Italia 90. You don't need Frank Carson to tell you that this was a Careca cracker. It's not so much a goal as a freeform dance routine: so smooth and gracefully athletic that you can hear the Samba beats as you watch it. It's not just Careca's movement that stands out. The angle at which he approaches the ball gives the Sweden keeper Thomas Ravelli no clue as to which way he might go – and Careca holds the moment between them for a few seconds with the certainty of a skilled seductor maintaining eye contact. Then a sudden movement of the right foot, with no backlift, and the ball is whisked away. Now you see it, now you don't. As Davies said simply: "Brilliantly done, brilliantly done."

It's logical that Brazil, the home of individual talent and unfettered expression, should produce so many good one-on-one finishers. But we're not sure we'll ever see one quite as slick as this again.

* Or, rather, past the goalkeeper. He doesn't really go round him, does he? Where does that expression come from anyway?

3) Kanu, Arsenal 5-1 Deportivo La Coruña, Uefa Cup fourth round, 2 March 2000

The little book of clichés tells us Kanu has a good touch for a big man. But who needs a GTFABM when you don't need to touch the ball at all? There have been a number of fine examples of players going past the keeper without applying leather to leather including George Best, Nicolas Anelka and Jesper Blomqvist. What we love about Kanu's goal is the irresistible languor. Everything is done in slow motion, and he sits down keeper Jacques Songo'o almost with kindness. All those good touches for a big man filled Songo'o's head with ideas of what Kanu might do to beat him. As a consequence, he didn't have to do anything at all.

* Blomqvist 1-0 Pele, right? Well, sort of. It's an amazing goal, and deserves to be more celebrated, but Pele has inventor's rights – and, just as importantly, his movement is a thing of the rarest athletic beauty. Blomqvist, by contrast, looks like he's lumbering through a quagmire.

4) Romario, Brazil 2-0 Uruguay, World Cup qualifier, 19 September 1993

Some people think a one-on-one is about scoring or saving a goal. These poor naïve souls probably leave their back door unlocked and believe in the good of mankind. For many attackers, the one-on-one is a power game. It is not enough to score a goal; they must humiliate the goalkeeper too. In essence, it's a masculinity-waving contest.

Nobody waved their masculinity more often or more persuasively than Romario. If there has ever been a better one-on-one finisher, we haven't seen him. Romario could manipulate the ball in a million different ways to get it over, under or either side of the goalkeeper. Watch this video of his one-on-one finishes and – as with the Diego Maradona YouTube game – try to predict what Romario is going to do with each one on one. No chance.

The one thing you could predict is that he would try to dehydrate the keeper. When Barcelona went to Old Trafford in 1994, there was much talk about Romario v Peter Schmeichel, the world's best striker v the world's best goalkeeper. Romario did not just score with his only chance, he nutmegged Schmeichel as Schmeichel spread himself as wide as possible. Romario had hoisted Schmeichel by his own technique. It might have been a coincidence. It might.

That had nothing on his goal against Uruguay a year earlier, when he made a complete clown of Roberto Siboldi. The context was a decisive World Cup qualifier. Had Brazil lost they would have failed to quality for the World Cup for the first time. So they recalled Romario, persona non grata for nine months and without a goal for four years. On a fraught night, Romario headed Brazil ahead in the 72nd minute, and with eight minutes to go he sealed their World Cup place.

After running through on goal he knocked the ball past the advancing Siboldi to the right, shaped to go left and then suddenly veered away to the right again. Siboldi did not so much have twisted blood as twisted brain cells. He was so frazzled that, with the ball nowhere near, he dived forward full length and tried to punch Romario off balance. It was like a Benny Hill sketch. Romario evaded his attempt contemptuously and tapped the ball into the net. Of all his brilliant one-on-one finishes, none captures his raison d'etre quite like this.

5) Diego Maradona, Napoli 4-1 Milan, Serie A, 27 November 1988

The one-on-one generally has a loose structure which, although informal, allows the striker to practice the skill in advance. There will be you, there will be a keeper, and you'll have a few seconds to score. Yet sometimes the goalscoring opportunity comes in such unusual circumstances as that improvisation is the only option. With a nod to Jean Pierre-Papin, Mark Hughes, Leopoldo Luque, Lionel Messi, Roberto Baggio and Thierry Henry, we've gone for a nod of Diego Maradona's head against Milan in 1988.

Maradona loved vaccinating Milan at the best of times. They were Napoli's main rivals in his time there, and he scored at home to them in each of his last five seasons in Serie A. This was the first meeting between the sides since Milan had taken Napoli's title – effectively with a 3-2 victory on Napoli's turf. Maradona's goal set Napoli on the way to a cathartic 4-1 trouncing.

Even the preamble to the goal is irresistible, with Maradona cracking the code of Milan offside trap, the thing that defined them. That will have given him almost as much pleasure as the finish. It's an extraordinary goal, as 25-yard headers are wont to be. When the ball bounced Maradona probably planned to lob Giovanni Galli, but it had so much backspin that, instead, he strained his neck muscles like an angry Bruce Banner to get the ball over Galli and slowly into the net. Every gentle bounce of the ball goaded Milan and informed them, as if they didn't already know: I have vaccinated you, again.

6) Jorge Burruchaga, Argentina 3-2 West Germany, World Cup final, 29 June 1986

Instinct is a footballer's best friend. Sometimes it gets them into trouble (morning Joey!) but for the most part it is a good thing. It takes care of business 99% of the time and ensures they don't have to engage the brain. One of the few exceptions is when a player runs through on goal from the halfway line. The good news is that he has time to decide what to do; the bad news is that his inner Costanza has time to tell him how he's going to mess it up. Tony Cascarino articulates this beautifully in his autobiography, in reference to an infamous miss for Gillingham against Everton. There was a similar gem from – you guessed it – Emile Heskey in 2003.

This is the problem for any player who bursts past a high defensive line. But some goals are bigger than others, and thus, with a nod to Michael Thomas, one example stands out in this sphere: Jorge Burruchaga in the World Cup final of 1986. As he hared on to Diego Maradona's pass with six minutes to go and the score at 2-2, Burruchaga had all the time in the world to consider the brutal reality of the moment. That, in the next few seconds his career – his life – would be defined: he would either be the man who won the World Cup, or the man who ballsed it up. (Argentina may well have gone on to win in extra-time, although they looked shattered and Maurice Mentum was emphatically with West Germany, who had come from 2-0 down to equalise moments earlier.) Immortality or infamy; nothing in between. He took two touches and stabbed the ball coolly under Harald Schumacher.

Some say Schumacher was slow off his line – having been burned earlier in the match when he came for a free-kick, missed and gave Argentina their opening goal – and that Burruchaga's second touch was slightly too heavy. Yet that touch satisfied the golden rule of taking the last defender out of the game without bringing the goalkeeper into it. Any softer and Hans-Peter Briegel would probably have been able to attempt a slide tackle – and there are still around three yards between Burruchaga and Schumacher when he shoots, so an earlier Schumacher advance would probably have made no difference.

Either way, who cares? It's a one-on-one finish and it won the World Cup. The moment all small boys dream of. The fact it came in circumstances that most grown-up footballers might secretly dread makes it even better.

Diego MaradonaRob Smyth
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