Rob Smyth's Blog, page 158

May 20, 2017

Bradford City 0-1 Millwall: League One play-off final – as it happened

5.03pm BST

That’s about it for today’s liveblog. Congratulations to Millwall, who have closed the book on last year’s agony. Thanks for your company, night!

5.02pm BST

Steve Morison is being interviewed

Morison: “It’s brilliant. This is annoying me, I can’t focus. They’ve ruined it for me right now, absolutely ruined it [I assume he means the fans on the pitch rather than the tannoy telling them to get off]. We played poor but we’ll celebrate tonight. The Championship is where we wanna be, and we’ll have a good crack.”

4.57pm BST

Now there’s a mass pitch invasion. Neil Harris asks them to get off the pitch, but there’s no chance of that. He’s really angry.

4.56pm BST

Steve Morison, the oldest man on the pitch, has put Millwall back in the Championship with a terrific late finish. It’s a wonderful moment for Millwall and their manager Neil Harris, especially after defeat in last year’s final. Bradford played some high-class football but tired as the match progressed. Harris said he wanted “a Millwall performance”. He got that in the last half an hour. It was a triumph of the human spirit from a team who somehow, after 60-odd games this season, found something extra in their legs.

4.54pm BST

MILLWALL ARE BACK IN THE CHAMPIONSHIP!

4.54pm BST

90+5 min What a chance for McMahon! A loose ball broke to him just outside the six-yard box, at a very tight angle, but instead of drilling it across goal he smashed it wildly into the side netting.

4.52pm BST

90+3 min Bradford look shot. Cullen needlessly fouls Onyedinma, which will allow Millwall to waste more time.

4.51pm BST

90+2 min Millwall repel a series of balls into the box, with Hutchinson to the fore. Great defending.

4.49pm BST

90+1 min There will be five minutes of added agony for both sets of supporters. The ecstasy comes after.

4.48pm BST

90 min Another Millwall change: Gregory off, Calum Butcher on.

4.47pm BST

89 min Fred Onyedinma replaces Jed Wallace for Millwall, who are so close to the Championship.

4.46pm BST

88 min Cullen plays a good ball to Jones, who wins a corner off Williams.

4.45pm BST

I think Morison was fractionally offside, but the flag didn’t go up. A cross from the left by the tireless Williams - who started the move by intercepting Marshall’s pass in his own half - was acrobatically headed across goal by the diving Gregory, and Morison got on the wrong side to Dieng to ping a volley high into the net from six yards. It was a brilliant finish on the stretch.

4.44pm BST

The big man has done it for Millwall!

4.42pm BST

83 min Wallace wins Millwall’s umpteenth corner of the match. Ferguson stands it up under the crossbar and the referee gives a foul against the keeper Doyle.

4.41pm BST

82 min That’s better from Bradford, a lovely passing move involving Dieng, Cullen and Marshall. Eventually McMahon crossed to his fellow full-back Meredith, who headed wide of the far post from 15 yards. It was a quarter-chance.

4.39pm BST

79 min The under-pressure Vincelot gives the ball away in a dangerous area to Wallace, who guides it into Morison. He gets it out of his feet, 15 yards from goal, and sweeps a shot that is crucially blocked by McArdle. The ball runs loose and McArdle scrambles it behind for a corner.

4.36pm BST

79 min “I am trying,” says Kevin Ryan, “to imagine a feminist book club’s bowling night blessed with the presence of the likes of Walter Sobchak, Jesus Quintana and of the course The Dude. The mind boggles!”

4.35pm BST

78 min Millwall look like the team with more left in their legs. Bradford have struggled even to let the ball do the work in the last 10 minutes.

4.34pm BST

76 min Wallace bounces to the ground off Meredith, who is booked. I’m not sure Meredith could have done much to get out of the way.

4.32pm BST

74 min A double change for Bradford: Alex Jones and Timothee Dieng replace Billy Clarke and Nicky Law.

4.30pm BST

72 min This is Millwall’s best spell of the match, in terms of sustained possession. Bradford haven’t seen much of the ball in the last five or ten minutes.

4.29pm BST

71 min “As a Derby fan with post-2013 stress disorder,” chirps David Hopkins, “I can confirm that a team dominating without having scored should definitely be the more nervous.”

4.28pm BST

70 min The first substitution is made by Millwall: Shane Ferguson replaces Aiden O’Brien.

4.27pm BST

68 min “The more this goes on, the more the cold stash of Sapporo reduces,” says John Ashburne. “If it goes to penalties I’ve just about enough time to rush out and get my own personal, lonely half-crate. And offer up a prayer to the handily placed shrine.”

You’ll have time before extra-time, should it go that far. They take an age to restart.

4.25pm BST

67 min Ten months’ work comes down to the next 25 minutes (plus extra time and penalties if necessary).

4.24pm BST

65 min McMahon curls another free-kick from the right onto the head of McArdle, who again heads over from six yards. He was in less space but was able to get over the ball, and as such might feel he should have scored.

4.22pm BST

64 min Bradford haven’t dominated the second half as they did the first, though they are still having more possession. It’s so hard to call.

4.20pm BST

61 min Wallace misses an excellent chance for Millwall! Gregory beat a couple of players just past the halfway line and angled an excellent through pass to Wallace. He had to take the shot first time on the run and sidefooted tamely wide from the edge of the box. That was Millwall’s best chance by a long way.

4.18pm BST

60 min Millwall haven’t had a shot on target yet. In a weird way, I’d be more worried about that stat if I was supporting Bradford.

4.17pm BST

59 min McMahon’s free-kick is headed over from six yards by the unmarked McArdle! He just couldn’t get over the top of the ball to steer it towards goal, and in that sense it was a harder chance than it looked.

4.15pm BST

58 min Another penetrative run infield from Marshall is ended by a foul from O’Brien, who is booked.

4.14pm BST

55 min “I am said Bradford-supporting friend who missed a football match for a bowling night,” says Jim Bach. “I should point out that it wasn’t just a bowling night, it was a fundraiser for women’s health options and I had pledged to participate.”

The moral of this story? Good causes > banter.

4.12pm BST

54 min A corner to Millwall, who have started this half with plenty of attacking purpose. Williams swings it in from the right and it’s headed clear.

4.10pm BST

52 min A long ball is headed down by Gregory to Morison, who drags his first-time shot wide from 25 yards.

4.09pm BST

51 min At the other end, McArdle makes a vital tackle on Gregory, who would otherwise have been clear on goal after running onto a good pass from Wallace.

4.08pm BST

50 min Cullen’s cross hits Webster and rebounds to Meredith, who lashes a low shot that is kicked away by one of a posse of Millwall defenders on the six-yard line.

4.05pm BST

47 min Marshall makes ground down the right and wins an early corner for Bradford. It’s overhit.

4.03pm BST

46 min Peep peep! Bradford begin the second half, kicking from right to left as I look on my television screen.

3.59pm BST

“Sorry, I couldn’t let this [aggression] stand,” says Daniel Barnett. “’Shabbos’ refers to the Sabbath day. ‘Shomer Shabbos’ refers to an individual who ‘keeps’ the Sabbath, and so wouldn’t bowl or get into fights with German nihilists on Shabbos, from sundown on Friday to after nightfall on Saturday. So what you really wanted to say was, ‘Not on Shabbos, I hope.’”

This is the single greatest witch-hunt of an MBMer in Guardian history!

3.50pm BST

“Hi Rob,” says Graham Randall. “I have just taken great delight in pointing out to my Bradford-supporting friend that they are the purist and hipster choice. This is the same friend who missed a Columbus game to go to his feminist book club’s bowling night.”

Not on Shommer Shabbos, I hope.

3.48pm BST

There haven’t been many chances but that was a fascinating half, with multiple momentum shifts and a nice contrast between Bradford’s passing and Millwall’s power. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

3.47pm BST

45+1 min Morison has started to impose himself again in the last few minutes, bullying defenders in his inimitable style. He must be a nightmare to play against.

3.46pm BST

44 min “John writing from Japan,” says John Ashburne. “In 2013 I flew over from Kyoto to witness the nil-five defeat to Swansea. Just in case I cursed them, I decided to stay at home in my wood and paper Zen house this time, and save myself a good penny or two. I have a stash of cold Sapporo, and am completely on my own - missus, mates, my dear brother Steve even - have no interest in the Mighty Bantams. I’m excited and bricking it at the same time.”

3.44pm BST

42 min The ever dangerous Marshall is fouled on the right wing by Hutchinson. McMahon clips it towards the near post, where Wyke’s header spins well wide of the far post.

3.41pm BST

39 min McMahon fouls O’Brien, 35 yards from goal. That gives Millwall both a breather and a set-piece in a decent area. It’s angled towards Morison, who wins the header and knocks it back across goal. Hutchinson waits for it to bounce and smashes a shot that is crucially blocked by McArdle. For all Bradford’s dominance, Millwall are really dangerous in the final third.

3.39pm BST

37 min Bloody hell it’s Matt Tempest! “Your old Guardian Unlimited colleague here. As Bantams fan watching this in Brussels - well, watching your min-by-min, as the local bar has the Grand Prix on, and Radio 5 Live is geo-blocked - I’m the worst person to judge this, but are Bradford the neutral’s choice on this clash?”

I suspect so, given the general perception of Millwall FC, though there’s a lot to like about them under Neil Harris. Bradford would certainly be the purist and hipster choice.

3.37pm BST

36 min Some respite for Millwall. Abdou plays a crisp pass into the area for Morison, who fresh-airs his attempted shot.

3.36pm BST

35 min Bradford have so much class and they are completely dominant at the moment. Millwall need half-time.

3.35pm BST

33 min A clever corner routine from Bradford. Clarke passes it low and hard towards the D, where McMahon arrives late to rattle a left-footed shot towards goal. He doesn’t quite get hold of it and the ball deflects back for a second try, which he drags wide on the run.

3.33pm BST

32 min “As a West Ham fan, I’m obviously rooting for Bradford, not least because two of our youngsters (Reece Burke last year, and Josh Cullen this) have had very successful loans there,” says Daniel Barnett. “I was wondering how young Cullen looks today?”

He hasn’t been a huge influence so far but you can see how comfortable he is in possession. That said, it’s hard to assess a player when you do an MBM as you spend half your time typing, or looking at a screen, or thinking back to what happened a few seconds earlier.

3.32pm BST

31 min Romeo shepherds the ball behind, not realising it had taken a nick off one of his teammates. McMahon’s deep, booming corner is met beyond the far post by the stretching McArdle, but his header is comfortably held by Archer.

3.31pm BST

30 min A rare Millwall attack brings another corner. Williams’ outswinger is cleared and Bradford break menacingly again until Marshall overhits his cross. Bradford are geared for the counter-attack every time Millwall get a corner.

3.28pm BST

28 min Bradford have been extremely dominant in the last ten minutes or so, with Morison and Gregory, so dangerously early on, unable to get in the game. I suspect it’ll be a match of many mini-moodswings like that.

3.26pm BST

26 min “Your point about the contrast in attacking styles is a good one,” says Phil Withall, lovingly caressing my bald pate. “There seems to be a casual simplicity about Bradford’s approach, playing to the situation. Millwall seem to be playing toward an expectation. I feel it may not go well for them.”

3.25pm BST

24 min McMahon thumps a free-kick towards the far corner that is headed away fearlessly by Hutchinson a few yards from his own goal. Archer may have had it covered anyway but Hutchinson didn’t take any chances.

3.24pm BST

23 min Marshall’s shot deflects towards Clarke, who is taken down by Abdou just outside the area. Abdou might have got some of the ball, and it’ll certainly be an issue if Bradford score. The free-kick is in a great position.

3.22pm BST

23 min Bradford are really dominating possession now, though Millwall are not a team against who it would be wise to have any sense of security. The front two of Morison and Gregory are such a threat.

3.21pm BST

21 min The Bradford right-back McMahon tries an acrobatic volley from 25 yards. Throw-in to Millwall.

3.21pm BST

20 min The increasingly influential Clarke picks up a loose ball and charges straight to the edge of the area, where Williams makes an important tackle.

3.19pm BST

18 min The clash of attacking styles is fascinating. Bradford are patient and neat; Millwall are chaotic and in-your-face. Both have had plenty of joy already.

3.18pm BST

17 min Millwall win another corner on the right. This has been a brilliant start to the game. The corner is half cleared to O’Brien, whose shot is blocked on the edge of the box.

3.17pm BST

15 min Clarke tees up the marauding left-back Meredith, whose stinging shot from a tight angle is beaten away by Archer. It was a comfortable enough save.

3.15pm BST

14 min “Hi Rob,” says Shaun Wilkinson. “As a Scunthorpe fan living in Cologne, I am keeping up with this play-off final as well as the Bundesliga today. It looks as if Hamburg are going into the relegation play-off AGAIN. I know some people don’t like the English play-off system, but it is certainly better than having the third-bottom team from the Bundesliga play the third-placed team from Bundesliga 2, as happens here. It seems that the Bundesliga team (usually Hamburg these days) is given an ‘extra life’ that they don’t deserve. What are your thoughts?”

Yes I agree. I like the idea of a battle between divisions but I assume the top-division team would win too often to make it worthwhile or fair.

3.15pm BST

13 min What a save by Archer! Bradford broke devastatingly from the corner, with Marshall angling a wonderful through pass to Clarke. He took his time and tried to lift the ball over Archer, who had gone down but strained every sinew of his left arm to fingertip it past the post. Brilliant save.

3.14pm BST

12 min Millwall are causing a lot of problems for Bradford. Morison’s left-wing cross deflects dangerously across the area and is run behind nervously for a corner by Clarke. Williams’ inswinger is punched clear by Clarke.

3.13pm BST

12 min We’ve seen replays of the McArdle tackle on Gregory, and it seems he didn’t get the ball. The strange thing is, Gregory didn’t appeal at all for a penalty. Had he done so, he might have got one.

3.12pm BST

11 min Another corner to Millwall, this time on the left. It’s curled out to Morison, who gets above McArdle but mistimes his header well wide of the far post. That was a chance.

3.11pm BST

10 min The corner is swung in towards Hutchinson, whose flicked header deflects off McArdle and over the bar. That might have been going in. Millwall look such a threat from set pieces.

3.10pm BST

9 min McArdle makes an excellent challenge on Gregory, who had deftly pulled down a long pass over the top. Morrison is then crowded out, with Knight-Percival conceding a corner. Millwall are causing plenty of chaos in the final third.

3.06pm BST

6 min Marshall’s cross is half-cleared to McMahon, who tries to swoosh the bouncing ball into the far corner from 20 yards. He doesn’t cut across it sufficiently, however, and it drifts a few yards wide.

3.06pm BST

5 min Marshall miscontrols the ball, allowing Abdou to slide in and challenge. As he does so Marshall plants his studs into the side of Abdou’s leg. That looked very painful. I don’t think it was deliberate - it looked almost absent-minded - but he should have at least been penalised.

3.04pm BST

4 min Bradford enjoy their first familiar spell of possession, moving the ball around confidently before Clarke overhits a ball forward.

3.02pm BST

2 min Vincelot is penalised for climbing over the back of Gregory, which gives Millwall a free-kick 30 yards from goal on the right. Williams’ inswinger is headed away by Meredith.

3.00pm BST

1 min Peep peep! Millwall kick off from right to left. One of these teams will be playing Championship football next season.

2.59pm BST

Both teams are wearing their home strip: Bradford are in claret and amber, Millwall in blue and white.

2.56pm BST

My timeline has turned into something resembling a Hello magazine wedding shoot. Bradford v Millwall can't come soon enough.

2.54pm BST

The teams emerge from the tunnel. The Bradford manager Stuart McCall looks eerily relaxed, Millwall’s Neil Harris less so. In a game of this importance, I’m not sure which is preferable.

2.42pm BST

Any predictions? This is really tough to call but I think Bradford might sneak it 2-1.

2.14pm BST

Pre-match reading

2.09pm BST

Both teams are unchanged, and here they are.

Bradford (4-4-1-1) Doyle; McMahon, McArdle, Knight-Percival, Meredith; Marshall, Vincelot, Cullen; Law; Clarke; Wyke.
Substitutes: Sattelmaier, Darby, Dieng, Hiwula, Gilliead, Jones, Kilgallon.

12.12pm BST

Hello. The play-offs are an exquisitely cruel creation. Even in a sport that routinely deals in extremes, the play-offs sit alongside the penalty shoot-out and something I’ve no doubt forgotten as the most emotionally hazardous experiences in football. The Agony & The Ecstasy is the name of Richard Foster’s excellent history of the play-offs and that phrase sums up the thrilling, terrifying jeopardy of a play-off final at Wembley.

The first of this year’s finals is in League One, where Bradford City will play Millwall. One team will swig the happiest drinks of their lives at around 6pm tonight, whether it’s a tooth-tinglingly cold can of Stella or an Elderflower Tonic Water Infused With a Soupcon of Lemon. The other will drown the deepest, sourest sorrows, knowing that 49 games – 49 games! – of mostly excellent work has been for nothing.

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Published on May 20, 2017 09:03

May 13, 2017

Stoke City 1-4 Arsenal: Premier League – as it happened

Olivier Giroud scored twice and Alexis Sanchez was a constant menace as Arsenal thrashed Stoke to continue their excellent run

7.43pm BST

7.21pm BST

Peep peep! A happy day for Arsenal, who played well and won extremely well on a ground where they rarely have much joy. They are now one point behind Liverpool with two games to go; Liverpool’s visit to West Ham tomorrow will probably decide who finishes fourth. Thanks for your company, goodnight!

7.19pm BST

90+3 min “‘Delicious’ can be applied to apple pie, not to crosses or goals,” says David Mitchell. “‘But it’s so creative and original’...no it isn’t. Some football journalist used it about 8 years ago, and since then, every other football journalist copied him and can’t stop. ‘Delicious’ should be banned from all football reports. It’s awful and cringeworthy.”

Cheers David. Keep it up.

7.18pm BST

90+2 min This will be Arsene Wenger’s first league win away to a team managed by Mark Hughes.

7.18pm BST

90+1 min “’This is pulsating stuff, and it’s come from nowhere,’” says Nic Clarke. “Well not really. It came from Mike Dean’s poor refereeing and Stoke cheating... Why the reluctance to call out the obvious?”

Because the change in mood occurred after the substitutions and before the dodgy goal? That or the systematic anti-Arsenal bias that is at the core of the Guardian’s editorial policy.

7.16pm BST

90 min Four minutes.

7.15pm BST

89 min Crouch is booked for a desperate lunge at Xhaka. It looked slightly worse than it was, because of the size of his pins and the co-ordination issues caused thereby, but it was a bad one and a clear yellow card.

7.14pm BST

89 min “Wenger has it easy,” says Gary Naylor. “‘Mike Dean’ is trending after Crouch’s goal, and you can imagine what that’s like.”

It’s time for Mike Dean to blow the whistle. He’s taken this game as far as he can.

7.12pm BST

87 min This has been a comfortable win for Arsenal, apart from that manic nine minutes between the goals from Crouch and Sanchez.

7.11pm BST

85 min Cameron’s crisp low volley from 15 yards is smartly saved by Cech, down to his right.

7.10pm BST

84 min “I’m not sure there’s anything specific about Arsenal that has so irked Charlie Adam,” says Matt Dony. “It’s just that he’s been a bit directionless and lacked direction since Gareth Bale left the league.”

Do they have a bit of the old previous?

7.09pm BST

83 min Danny Welbeck replaces Mesut Ozil, who has had a very good day. His goal, to make it 2-0, was delicious. Theo Walcott also comes on for Olivier Giroud.

7.08pm BST

82 min Sobhi replaces Arnautovic, who was injured when Holding fouled him a few minutes ago.

7.07pm BST

Arsenal make it four! Ozil on the right opening the game up with a fine pass infield to Ramsey, who had burst forward from midfield. He ran from centre to right, tracked by Johnson, before drilling a fine low cross on the turn. Giroud got to it ahead of the defence to score his second tap-in of the match.

7.04pm BST

79 min “Stoke’s efforts to make to the next level hinge on finding a 20-goals-a-season centre forward,” says Phil Podolsky. “Diouf is clearly not that player and they’ve had rotten luck with Bony and Berahino so far. In this position it really can take years for the curse to lift.”

Indeed. I think their 20-a-season man was Peter Thorne in 2000.

7.04pm BST

78 min Ramsey almost makes it 4-1 with an excellent run and shot that brings a fine save from Butland. Holding is then booked for flattening Arnautovic, who has had the beating of him in the last 20 minutes.

7.03pm BST

77 min Sanchez does come off, to be replaced by home favourite Aaron Ramsey. Sanchez is a magnificent force of nature. Most players wouldn’t even try to score while waiting to go off injured; even fewer would do so.

7.02pm BST

I think he will need to come off anyway, but he will do so having restored Arsenal’s two-goal lead. He received a square pass from Bellerin in an inside-right position, ran into the area and hit a low shot that deflected off Shawcross and curled into the far corner.

7.01pm BST

So much for being injured!

7.00pm BST

74 min Sanchez wants to come off. He has what looks like a thigh injury, though Arsenal are not getting a substitute ready.

6.58pm BST

73 min “Hey Rob,” says JR in Illinois. “In this dark and scary era we have moved into I have become extremely vigilant in sniffing out fake news™. Therefore, for the sole purpose of providing the truth™ to all your readers, I am compelled to point out that Giroud’s tap-in was from 2.75 yards, not 4. You can tell because of the reference of the six-yard box line in combination with the cut of the grass. Now that Ozil goal, that was from 4 yards.”

6.57pm BST

71 min Berahino shoots tamely at Cech from distance. Meanwhile Mustafi is aggrieved about a clash with Pieters at a set piece. He thinks he was elbowed deliberately in the face.

6.56pm BST

70 min Arsenal were so composed and serene for an hour. They aren’t composed now. This is pulsating stuff, and it’s come from nowhere.

6.55pm BST

It was handball! Oh my. Arnautovic beat Holding on the left again and crossed to the near post, where Crouch got in front of Cech and seemed to flick a smart header into the net. The replays showed it was a clear handball, however, and Arsene Wenger is having a minor meltdown on the touchline as a result.

6.53pm BST

Crouchigol!

6.52pm BST

65 min It’s a game of corners at the moment. Giroud wins one for Arsenal, from which nothing happens.

6.50pm BST

64 min “I feel compelled to point out that Stoke’s enforcer-in-chief is actually Charlie Adam (no “s”), from the half-time comment,” says Tom Adams. “I don’t want people thinking he may be related to me if it can be avoided.”|

6.49pm BST

63 min Another corner for Stoke, their fourth in a couple of minutes. It’s half cleared and headed back in to Martins Indi, whose header on the turn from close range is palmed over by the leaping Cech.

6.48pm BST

62 min A succession of corners for Stoke. The third is flapped away under considerable pressure by Cech to give Arsenal’s defence a breather.

6.46pm BST

61 min A double change for Stoke: Peter Crouch and Saido Berahino replace Diouf and Allen.

6.46pm BST

60 min Diouf heads wide from four yards! Arnautovic teased Holding on the left and moved away from him before whacking a cross into the six-yard box. Diouf, who got ahead of the ball, had to dive almost backwards and ended up heading it back across goal and just wide of the near post.

6.44pm BST

58 min Giroud takes one in the face from Arsenal’s old friend Ryan Shawcross. I don’t think it was intentional.

6.42pm BST

This is the most gorgeous goal from Arsenal. Ozil wandered infield from the left, gave the ball to Sanchez and kept running forward. Sanchez waited, waited a bit more and then guided a straight through pass of immaculate precision and weight that bisected two covering Stoke defenders inside the area. Ozil took it on the run, waited for Butland to sit down and teased the ball high into the net. A brilliant goal. The pass from Sanchez was stunning, because it travelled 15 or 20 yards and he had almost no margin for error. Any more weight and Butland would have got it; any less and one of the two defenders would have cut it out.

6.41pm BST

Now that is how to play football.

6.40pm BST

55 min This is a good spell for Arsenal, who have got their passing groove back after a slow start to the half.

6.39pm BST

52 min Stoke’s proud record of finishing ninth in every season since 2013 will be under serious threat if they lose this game.

6.37pm BST

50 min Holding has had another assured game, albeit in comfortable circumstances thus far. It’s threatening to get tougher; Stoke have looked more likely to create something in the first five minutes of the second half than they did throughout the first 45.

6.34pm BST

48 min This is better from Stoke, who are breaking into sprints all over the pitch and playing with much greater intent. Shaqiri’s cross deflects wickedly towards Diouf, who goes over in the box after a collision with Monreal. There was nothing in that.

6.31pm BST

46 min Peep peep! Arsenal begin the second half. If you like to picture these things, they are passing from left to right on the television screen in front of me.

6.26pm BST

“I see Charlie Adams is available to step on some Arsenal ankles late doors,” writes Adrian de la Touche. “Was it ever discovered what so irked him about Arsenal players who ran away from him?”

6.16pm BST

Half-time reading

One from the archives, but with happy memories for Stoke and Arsenal fans.

6.16pm BST

Olivier Giroud’s goal means that Arsenal lead deservedly against a subdued Stoke. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

6.13pm BST

The goal was made by Bellerin, who scooted onto Coquelin’s excellent through ball and played a perfect square pass that gave Giroud a tap-in from four yards.

6.12pm BST

Olivier Giroud gives Arsenal the lead!

6.11pm BST

40 min Arsenal are starting to get a little frustrated by the scoreline. For all their possession Butland has only had one save to make, and that was from a set-piece.

6.08pm BST

38 min It’s a more even contest now, with Stoke showing a bit of purpose on the counter-attack. And it is still 0-0.

6.07pm BST

37 min Whelan’s dangerous cross from the right is expertly defended by the stretching Mustafi. Wouldn’t have mattered, as Arnautovic was offside, but Mustafi didn’t know that.

6.05pm BST

35 min Shaqiri’s attempted far-post curler nicks off the toe of Koscielny and spins wide for a corner. Nothing happens.

6.04pm BST

34 min Giroud robs Johnson, who drags him over. Sanchez picks up the loose ball, moves towards the box and drills a fast low shot into the side netting at the near post. I think Butland had it covered.

6.02pm BST

32 min “Unless Jose manages to land that protest plane on the pitch then nothing will exceed the existential drama of Mahrez’s self-kick penalty,” says Ian Copestake. “It confirmed that the gods have both a cruel sense of humour and premier league season tickets.”

Meh, that’s old news. Denis Irwin was doing it back in 2000, and getting away with it. (I would link to said incident against Anderlecht, but we are no longer allowed to link to unofficial sites for legal reasons.)

6.01pm BST

31 min Allen plays a give-and-go with Arnautovic and wriggles clear off a couple of defenders in the area before Koscielny clears.

5.59pm BST

29 min Arnautovic curls the free-kick a few yards over the bar. It was a decent effort but Cech wasn’t particularly alarmed.

5.58pm BST

28 min Sanchez’s inswinging cross is confidently taken by Butland, who flings it out to Arnatouvic. Stoke work the ball from left to right to Shaqiri, who shuffles back infield past three players before he is chopped down by Mustafi. That’s a yellow card and a free-kick 25 yards from goal.

5.55pm BST

26 min Glenn Whelan appraises Coquelin of his existence via the medium of the crunching tackle. Stoke could probably do with more of that.

5.54pm BST

25 min The good news for Stoke is: it’s still 0-0. See also, the bad news for Arsenal.

5.54pm BST

24 min The Women’s FA Cup final is done and dusted: Manchester City lead 3-0 after barely half an hour, with Carli Lloyd getting the third.

5.51pm BST

21 min It’s all Arsenal, just as it was five minutes ago. The match is almost weirdly one-sided, and it’s increasingly clear that Stoke are going to win 1-0 with a goal off Mame Biram’s Diouf belly button.

5.49pm BST

19 min “Under Labour, all ‘Wenger out’ protests will be nationalised,” sniffs Ian Copestake.

5.48pm BST

17 min Monreal hits the post! He has been a constant threat going forward in this match. After good work from Coquelin, Bellerin’s lofted cross skimmed off the head of a defender in the six-yard box and reached Monreal beyond the far post. He stretched to head the ball onto the near post, and Ozil was tackled as he attempted to put the loose ball away.

5.46pm BST

16 min Stoke’s first decent attack leads to a mild penalty appeal when Arnautovic’s cross hits a defender at close-range. Even if it did hit the hand - and I don’t know that it did - there was no intent.

5.43pm BST

13 min Ozil clips a brilliant diagonal pass over the defence to Monreal, who gets the wrong side of Johnson but runs the ball out of play. It wasn’t the easiest ball to control as it travelled a long way.

5.42pm BST

11 min Diouf tracks back to tackle Xhaka, allowing Stoke to get out of their half for the first time in a while. It’s very one-sided and, as Alan Smith says on Sky, there’s a strange lack of intensity about Stoke.

5.39pm BST

9 min What a fine save from Butland! Ozil’s outswinging corner from the left was looped towards the far post by the head of Mustafi, and Butland stretched a long way to tip it over.

5.38pm BST

8 min “Truly depressing to hear the local fans booing Arsenal,” begins Charles Antaki, “presumably for Ramsey’s effrontery in attacking Shawcross’s boot with his shin all those years ago ago, and having the metropolitan snootiness to go off with a supposedly broken leg.”

5.37pm BST

7 min Arsenal win the first corner. It’s played short to Sanchez, whose driven cross is headed away by Diouf.

5.36pm BST

6 min Arsenal are completely dominating possession, albeit in the sterile-domination zone at this stage.

5.35pm BST

5 min This has been a smooth, confident start from Arsenal. Mustafi drives a brilliant angled pass over the top for Sanchez, who controls it on the stretch with his bicep and is flagged offside anyway. Great pass though.

5.33pm BST

3 min A long spell of possession for Arsenal, most of it accompanied by boos, ends when Sanchez has his pocket picked by Shawcross. Diouf rumbles forward on a solo break until he is tackled by Mustafi (I think).

5.30pm BST

1 min Peep peep! Stoke kick off from left to right. They are in red-and-white stripes; Arsenal are in their very, very, very, very, very navy blue away strip.

5.20pm BST

Football news (sort of) OJ: Made in America is on BBC4 this week, starting tomorrow night. It is magnificent, so you should watch it.

5.19pm BST

This is a good stat on Sky Sports. Teams managed by Mark Hughes have hosted Arsenal eight time in the Premier League, with five wins and three draws. Wenger out!

5.08pm BST

It’s been another busy day in the Premier League, with Swansea winning at Sunderland to move closer to safety. You can get all the Premier League match reports here. And if you want to follow the Women’s FA Cup final with our resident MBM genius, Scott Murray, you can do so here.

4.32pm BST

Stoke (4-3-3) Butland; Johnson, Shawcross, Martins Indi, Pieters; Cameron, Allen, Whelan; Shaqiri, Diouf, Arnautovic.
Substitutes: Grant, Muniesa, Adam, Sobhi, Berahino, Walters, Crouch.

Arsenal (3-4-2-1) Cech; Holding, Mustafi, Koscielny; Bellerin, Coquelin, Xhaka, Monreal; Ozil, Sanchez; Giroud.
Substitutes: Ospina, Gabriel, Elneny, Ramsey, Iwobi, Welbeck, Walcott.

1.22pm BST

Hello. Arsene Wenger is so far behind the times that watching him has become a painful experience. He’s decent, dignified, principled and romantic - values that have little place in modern society, never mind modern football. In 2017, being behind the times should be a virtue, but Wenger has been subject to increasingly unpleasant abuse from myopic, entitled brats with an allergy to nuance and a thundering lack of perspective. Or, to give them their other name, a minority of Arsenal followers.

Wenger deserves criticism. All professionals do. There is, however, a pretty clear distinction between criticism and ridicule or abuse. Let’s be clear about this: Arsene Wenger is one of the greatest managers in British football history, who has given Arsenal fans some of the most euphoric moments of their lives. He sacrificed the best years of his career to do the right thing by Arsenal. He is also a bloody good human being; better than you, better than me. The ongoing attempt to hound him out of a job is pathetic.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

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Published on May 13, 2017 11:21

May 7, 2017

England v Ireland: second one-day international – as it happened

Joe Root had a fine game with bat and ball as England won by 85 runs to complete a comfortable 2-0 series victory

6.21pm BST

That’s a good weekend’s work for England, who won both matches comfortably and will take encouragement from a number of individual performances. Their next challenge is a three-match series against South Africa in a couple of weeks, and then it’ll be time for the Champions Trophy in June. Thanks for your company, night!

6.19pm BST

Wood arrows a yorker straight through Dockrell, a nice way to end a comfortable victory.

6.18pm BST

46th over: Ireland 243-9 (target 329; Dockrell 28, Chase 6) Chase flashes and flashes hard, edging Plunkett for four.

6.13pm BST

45th over: Ireland 235-9 (target 329; Dockrell 26, Chase 1) This is now Dockrell’s best ODI score, 26 not out from 27 balls. I have no idea what else to say.

6.09pm BST

44th over: Ireland 232-9 (target 329; Dockrell 24, Chase 0) Plunkett slips a couple past the outside edge of Chase, who looks like a No11 in nature as well as name.

6.06pm BST

Murtagh makes room to steer Plunkett’s slower ball straight to Ball at backward point, and England are one wicket away from victory.

6.04pm BST

43rd over: Ireland 231-8 (Dockrell 23, Murtagh 1)

6.01pm BST

42nd over: Ireland 227-8 (target 329; Dockrell 21, Murtagh 0) Plunkett has stealthily become an important member of this ODI side as a death hitter and old-ball bowler. He has superb figures of 6-0-14-2 today.

5.58pm BST

McCarthy goes cheaply. He clouted Plunkett miles in the air towards long-off, where Ball took an accomplished running catch.

5.55pm BST

41st over: Ireland 224-7 (target 329; Dockrell 18, McCarthy 0) An excellent over from Wood: three runs and the match-clinching wicket of Porterfield.

5.52pm BST

That should seal victory for England. Porterfield is bowled by Wood, missing a premeditated scoop as he walks across his stumps. He played extremely well, making 82 from 83 balls.

5.47pm BST

40th over: Ireland 221-6 (target 329; Porterfield 81, Dockrell 18) This is a superb and unexpected counter-attack from Dockrell and Porterfield, who have taken 32 from the last 13 deliveries. Dockrell pulls Ball for four and then Porterfield swings him high over wide long-on for six. Ireland need 108 from the last 10 overs.

5.42pm BST

39th over: Ireland 208-6 (target 329; Porterfield 73, Dockrell 13) Rashid almost gets a second wicket in his final over, with Morgan just failing to reach Porterfield’s top-edged sweep. A brilliant lofted off-drive on the run takes Porterfield into the seventies and then Dockrell blasts Rashid’s final delivery over long-on for six! Rashid ends with figures of 10-0-68-1.

5.37pm BST

38th over: Ireland 193-6 (target 329; Porterfield 64, Dockrell 7) Dockrell cuffs Jake Ball confidently through midwicket for four. It’s not patronising to say that Ireland have been much better today and that the game should end in a respectable margin of defeat.

5.32pm BST

37th over: Ireland 185-6 (target 329; Porterfield 62, Dockrell 2) Porterfield might be starting to think about a century, which would be pretty special for an Ireland captain in their first ODI at Lord’s. He already has nine ODI hundreds, a record for an Associate nation (I think).

5.29pm BST

36th over: Ireland 180-6 (target 329; Porterfield 59, Dockrell 0) “From an Irish perspective it’s great to see a better performance today,” says Fergus Carroll. “That so many of today’s team were part of the Bangalore victory in 2011 shows a level of consistency but also that we just don’t have the pool of talent to draw upon at the moment. Have any of the younger players played well enough to suggest there’s reason for optimism going forward? Hopefully Dockrell can rediscover his form.”

My knowledge of Irish cricket is not the greatest, but Tim Wigmore is an authority on the subject.

5.24pm BST

35th over: Ireland 179-6 (target 329; Porterfield 58, Dockrell 0) Ireland need 150 from 15 overs. You do the math.

5.22pm BST

Well bowled Adil Rashid. He kept his nerve and tossed the ball up, despite the six in his previous over, and Kevin O’Brien top-edged a sweep high to Ball at short fine leg. O’Brien goes for 18 from 10 balls, and that should be the match.

5.20pm BST

34th over: Ireland 175-5 (target 329; Porterfield 56, K O’Brien 16) Kevin O’Brien has gone straight into 2011 mode. He makes room to scream Root over extra cover for six, his second in the first five deliveries of his innings. Root ends his spell with figures of three for 52.

5.18pm BST

33rd over: Ireland 167-5 (target 329; Porterfield 55, K O’Brien 9) No messing from Kevin O’Brien, who slog-sweeps Rashid for six off the third delivery of his innings. He didn’t middle it but, with his power and the short boundary, he didn’t need to do so.

5.14pm BST

32nd over: Ireland 158-5 (target 329; Porterfield 54, K O’Brien 1) The new batsman is Kevin O’Brien, whose legendary 50-ball hundred took Ireland to victory over England in not dissimilar circumstances at the 2011 World Cup.

5.11pm BST

A third wicket for Root. Wilson slices a drive high to deep point, where Hales takes an easy running catch.

5.09pm BST

31st over: Ireland 153-4 (target 329; Porterfield 50, Wilson 13) Wilson sweeps a single to bring up the 150, and then Porterfield works a single to bring up his own fifty. Well played. Ireland have had a much better day than they did in Bristol, though the result is likely to be the same.

5.06pm BST

30th over: Ireland 148-4 (target 329; Porterfield 46, Wilson 12) Root continues and almost grabs a third wicket when Wilson drags the ball just past his off stump. Ireland are playing well enough but they need more if they are to win this game. To be precise, they need 181 from the last 20 overs.

5.05pm BST

29th over: Ireland 143-4 (target 329; Porterfield 42, Wilson 11) Porterfield is dropped! He tried to turn Rashid’s googly to leg and got a leading edge towards short extra cover, where Root put down a relatively straightforward diving chance.

5.01pm BST

28th over: Ireland 136-4 (target 329; Porterfield 36, Wilson 10)

5.00pm BST

27th over: Ireland 132-4 (target 329; Porterfield 34, Wilson 8) Rashid is generously providing one four-ball an over, in this case a low full toss that is driven crisply to the boundary by Porterfield.

4.56pm BST

26th over: Ireland 124-4 (target 329; Porterfield 27, Wilson 7) Root might do a 10-over stretch here. His sixth over costs just two runs. He is hurrying through the overs, the old Gloucestershire trick, sometimes even running back to his mark.

4.54pm BST

25th over: Ireland 122-4 (target 329; Porterfield 26, Wilson 6) Wilson pulls Rashid flat and hard for a one-bounce four. It was a dismal delivery that Wilson treated appropriately.

4.51pm BST

24th over: Ireland 116-4 (target 329; Porterfield 25, Wilson 1) In this short series, Joe Root is averaging 9 with the ball and 122 with the bat. Take that, “Sobers”.

4.48pm BST

Niall O’Brien dies by the sword, attempting a second straight six off Root but picking out Willey at long-on.

4.46pm BST

23rd over: Ireland 113-3 (target 329; Porterfield 23, N O’Brien 15) Rashid is bowling plenty of googlies to the two left-handed batsmen. So far they have played him respectfully, with four singles from that over.

4.44pm BST

22nd over: Ireland 109-3 (target 329; Porterfield 21, N O’Brien 13) Niall O’Brien swaggers down the pitch to launch Root back over his head for six. Shot! If Ireland win this, you suspect one of the O’Briens will be behind their victory.

4.41pm BST

21st over: Ireland 99-3 (target 329; Porterfield 19, N O’Brien 5) It’s time for Adil Rashid. His first ball is pushed sweetly through extra cover for four by Porterfield, who then survives a strange LBW appeal when he misses a slow-motion heave and is hit on the side. I think he was just outside the line.

4.38pm BST

20th over: Ireland 93-3 (target 329; Porterfield 14, N O’Brien 4) Root continues, racing through an over that costs five. Ireland need 236 runs from the last 30 overs at a rate of toomany per over.

4.33pm BST

19th over: Ireland 88-3 (target 329; Porterfield 13, N O’Brien 1) Hawkeye shows that delivery from Plunkett was just shaving the outside of leg stump. Niall O’Brien is the new batsman.

4.32pm BST

England are taking control of this match. Balbirnie plays inelegantly around a straight one from the impressive Plunkett and is trapped LBW. It wasn’t a million miles from missing leg, but it was given out on the field and Balbirnie walked straight off without discussing a review.

4.29pm BST

18th over: Ireland 86-2 (target 329; Porterfield 12, Balbirnie 2) Porterfield reverse-sweeps Root for four, then misses with the same shot next ball. The required rate is now above 7.5 an over.

4.25pm BST

17th over: Ireland 81-2 (target 329; Porterfield 7, Balbirnie 2) Just two singles from Plunkett’s over. You’d expect the two new batsmen to regroup for a wee while. England have squeezed Ireland impressively, with 31 runs and two wickets from the last 10 overs.

4.20pm BST

16th over: Ireland 79-2 (target 329; Porterfield 6, Balbirnie 1)

4.18pm BST

Joe Root, who dismissed Porterfield in the first ODI on Friday, comes into the attack - and this time he has got rid of Ed Joyce! It was smart bowling, a quicker delivery that skidded through to hit the leg stump as Joyce tried to hit inside-out. Joyce’s laboured innings of 16 from 43 balls is over.

4.15pm BST

15th over: Ireland 75-1 (target 329; Joyce 15, Porterfield 5) Joyce clunks a pull off Plunkett that lands just short of the man running in from deep midwicket. At the moment Joyce is seeing it like a Subbuteo football; he has 14 from 39 balls.

4.11pm BST

14th over: Ireland 72-1 (target 329; Joyce 13, Porterfield 4) William Porterfield (LHB) is the new batsman, and he gets off the mark with a flowing off-drive for four. This has nonetheless been a very good, order-restoring spell from Ball: 4-0-16-1. He’s a really interesting prospect who might become a key man in Australia in the winter.

4.08pm BST

Paul Stirling is given out on review. He tried to force a wide, back-of-a-length delivery from Ball that shaved the edge on its way through to Billings. It was given not out on the field, but England were certain he hit it and Ultra-Edge confirmed as much. That’s the end of a splendid innings of 48 from 43 balls.

4.05pm BST

13th over: Ireland 68-0 (target 329; Joyce 13, Stirling 48) Ireland could not have wished for a much better start than this. There is still plenty do - the required rate is above seven an over - but they at least have a chance. The match might be decided by how they play Adil Rashid.

4.03pm BST

12th over: Ireland 67-0 (target 329; Joyce 13, Stirling 47) Ball has settled into a good rhythm and has probably been the best of the England bowlers so far. He almost gets the first wicket, too: Stirling mishits a pull that loops just over the head of Wood at mid-on.

3.58pm BST

11th over: Ireland 62-0 (target 329; Joyce 12, Stirling 43) Liam Plunkett replaces Mark Wood (5-0-28-0) and Joyce edges him short of Rashid at third man. He and Stirling have each faced 33 deliveries; Joyce has 12 runs, Stirling 43.

3.54pm BST

10th over: Ireland 59-0 (target 329; Joyce 11, Stirling 42) Stirling boings his wrists to back cut Ball for four, another brilliant stroke that takes him out of the nervous thirties. Two balls later he misses an almighty yahoo across the line at a wide delivery. For the most part he has batted beautifully, with as much finesse as power.

3.51pm BST

9th over: Ireland 54-0 (target 329; Joyce 10, Stirling 38) Stirling’s flying start means Joyce can play an old-fashioned ODI innings, 10 not out from 26 balls. His objective is to bat through and make around 130 not out while those at the other end give it some humpty.

3.46pm BST

8th over: Ireland 52-0 (target 329; Joyce 9, Stirling 37) To the amusement of dorm rooms everywhere, Jake Ball replaces David Willey. Stirling, on the walk, is hurried by a short ball and lobs it safely into the leg side for a single. A good first over, two from it.

3.43pm BST

7th over: Ireland 50-0 (target 329; Joyce 8, Stirling 36) Stirling pulls Wood high over the leg side for four more. He was slightly beaten for pace but it was a safe enough shot. Two balls later, he nails a tremendous flat pull that goes for six. This is blistering stuff from Stirling, who has 36 from 24 balls - 34 of them in boundaries.

“I know pinch hitters are a bit out of fashion, but I like them,” says Gary Naylor. “As Sunil Narine is showing in the IPL, if you have a player (like Paul Stirling) who can make a contribution with the ball, it’s worth gambling his wicket in the Powerplay to get off to a flier. If he comes off (say at least 40 off 25 balls) one match in seven (because you should have seven batsmen in a white ball side), I reckon it’s worth it. Liam Plunkett should do it for England in T20s and David Willey in ODIs.”

3.38pm BST

6th over: Ireland 39-0 (target 329; Joyce 7, Stirling 26) After hitting 22 from his first eight balls Stirling then failed to score from the next nine, mainly due to Willey’s change of angle. Another supremely timed cover drive for four ended the drought, and the next ball swerved down the leg side for five wides. This is a perfect start for Ireland.

3.34pm BST

5th over: Ireland 30-0 (target 329; Joyce 7, Stirling 22) Joyce gloves Wood down the leg side for four, the only runs from a good over. England are bowling very straight, particularly to Stirling,

3.30pm BST

4th over: Ireland 26-0 (target 329; Joyce 3, Stirling 22) Willey gets the first suggestion of swing to beat Joyce outside off stump. He then goes around the wicket to the right-handed Stirling, a sensible change of angle that gives Stirling less room to free his arms. One from the over.

3.26pm BST

3rd over: Ireland 25-0 (target: 329; Joyce 2, Stirling 22) Stirling is off to a flyer. Two beautifully timed off drives for four off Wood take him to 22 from his first eight balls. This is his home ground and, as Nasser Hussain says on Sky, he knows that if you pierce the infield you’ll usually get four.

3.22pm BST

2nd over: Ireland 15-0 (target: 329; Joyce 1, Stirling 14) Those who didn’t know that Paul Stirling is a dangerous, meaty hitter have just been educated to that effect. He took boundaries off each of David Willey’s first three deliveries with a clump through the covers, a thumping pull and a lovely back-foot drive. No swing for Willey, so Stirling was able to throw his hands through the ball.

3.18pm BST

1st over: Ireland 2-0 (target: 329; Joyce 1, Stirling 1) Mark Wood, England’s wildcard, opens the bowling to Ed Joyce. A fit Wood would make such a difference to England’s chances in the Champions Trophy and the Ashes. Joyce works a single to leg, Paul Stirling cloths another single into the off side, and that’s the lot.

Anyone out there? Any nominations for England’s best-ever ODI reserve? They left Robin Smith out of the 1992 World Cup final, of course, but he wasn’t a regular reserve like Bairstow.

3.12pm BST

If you’re into the whole podcast thing, this chat with Eoin Morgan and Joe Root is quite splendid. Morgan, the quiet revolutionary, has been such an impressive influence on English cricket.

2.55pm BST

Hi there. It’s so easy to get carried away with the present, to be Brexiteers to the past, but even so… it is a long time since England last had an ODI reserve as good as Jonny Bairstow. He monstered 72 not out from 44 balls, continuing his wonderful form in all formats since 2015, to help England to a strong total of 328 for six at Lord’s. It is not an Ireland-proof score – we know that from the 2011 World Cup – but England will expect to win and wrap up this series 2-0.

2.48pm BST

50th over: England 328-6 (Bairstow 72, Willey 1) Bairstow hits yet another six, over deep midwicket, and then a four off the last ball. Like a true finisher, he finishes with 72 off only 44 balls. He made 42 off the last four overs, which is sensational stuff, whoever you’re playing. Ireland were good early on, then poor, then good, then blameless in the face of Bairstow’s blitz. The cameras zoom in on his sister Becky, who is clapping while looking unimpressed, in the great Yorkshire tradition.

So Ireland have to get 329, and The Wasp, which forecast 330 at the start, can be very pleased with itself. Time to hand over to our own ace finisher, Rob Smyth. Thanks for your company.

2.39pm BST

Rashid gets a top edge to give Ireland a much-needed breather. England are 317-6: game off again.

2.38pm BST

49th over: England 311-5 (Bairstow 62, Rashid 33) The pyrotechnics continue as McCarthy replaces Murtagh and Barstow turns into Viv Richards. He gets lucky with an edge for four, but there’s nothing streaky about the two sixes that follow – one over long-on, one square, both dismissive. That’s 44 off the last three overs.

2.34pm BST

48th over: England 294-5 (Bairstow 46, Rashid 32) Time for some proper fireworks. Bairstow plays a wonderful shot off O’Brien, a flat-bat back-foot off-drive for four that deserved at least eight. Then he hits a near-six which ends up as a three because Dockrell catches it on the boundary and has the presence of mind to throw it back onto the field as he himself is thrown off it. Rashid follows up with a flick for four to leg and a creamy drive into the covers. Proper entertainment.

And here comes John Starbuck again. “One thing about playing Ireland at cricket is that we in England are more likely to have Irish connections. I myself feel slightly more neutral than usual, owing to having been over there a few times and having distant relations too. It could be that we are not yet fully excited because their isn’t much cricketing history so a lack of statistics colours the match. We also want to see the Irish do well anyway, given their potential, but it may only last as long as they are underdogs.” Ah yes, the British love of the underdog. After Brexit, will that turn to self-love?

2.27pm BST

47th over: England 277-5 (Bairstow 39, Rashid 22) Murtagh is bowling with third man up, which forces him to bowl straight and begs the batsmen to explore the short leg-side boundary. Bairstow accepts the invitation with a one-handed pull for four. Murtagh takes his sweater with figures of 1-50. He would not have been flattered by 3-30.

2.23pm BST

46th over: England 267-5 (Bairstow 30, Rashid 21) Ireland are going for the world record for most bowling changes in a session. This is the 20th, as Chase returns for his ninth over. He concedes no fours, which is good going at this stage, so he’ll probably be taken off.

2.20pm BST

45th over: England 262-5 (Bairstow 29, Rashid 18) Rashid is enjoying this. He flicks a respectable ball from McCarthy for a classy four through square leg, to go with several ones and twos. The partnership is 33 already, off only 19 balls – the tempo of a T20.

Guy Hornsby has a question. “Am I the only one struggling to get excited about this game @TimdeLisle? It’s great for Ireland, but not sure we’ll learn much. I’m hungover.” No, Guy, you’re not the only one. The old postbag has been particularly threadbare.

2.14pm BST

44th over: England 250-5 (Bairstow 26, Rashid 9) Jonny be good now: he’s got 26 off 26, and everything but the sweep is in full working order. Nine off the over from Dockrell, whose travails are backing up England’s decision to leave out Moeen.

2.11pm BST

43rd over: England 241-5 (Bairstow 20, Rashid 6) As if hearing that question, Rashid answers it with a four through the vacant first slip off Murtagh. That’s either a stroke of genius or a streaky edge. Barstow caps it with a cut that somehow bisects the two backward points. England are back in the driving seat.

2.07pm BST

42nd over: England 230-5 (Bairstow 16, Rashid 0) Bairstow is bustling along, but England’s other keeper proves to be not a keeper at all, picking out the man at long-on. And, thanks to the IPL, there’s no Stokes or Woakes to bring us some last-minute mayhem. Can Adil Rashid add a few boundaries to all those wickets?

2.04pm BST

Another one, as Billings chips Dockrell’s slow left-arm over mid-on. It could have been six, but instead it’s a comfy catch for O’Brien at long-on. England 229-5: game fully on.

2.00pm BST

41st over: England 226-4 (Bairstow 12, Billings 7) Chase returns and Sam Billings shows his mettle with a rasping off-drive for four. You know a batsman means business when his bat ends up scratching his lower back.

1.56pm BST

40th over: England 220-4 (Bairstow 11, Billings 2) Pulling the strings confidently now, Porterfield summons George Dockrell, who comes within an inch of getting Bairstow lbw. Ireland have settled nicely now, and the short boundaries should give them a chance.

1.52pm BST

39th over: England 215-4 (Bairstow 9, Billings 1) Porterfield’s bowling changes are suddenly working wonders: he takes Murtagh off, brings McCarthy back, and persuades Morgan to join Root in the stymied seventies. Off the last three overs, England have scraped 9-2, which is very sporting of them. Sam Billings joins Bairstow, so after a pair of captains, we now have a pair of keepers.

1.47pm BST

One wicket brings two as Morgan chips into the covers and Ed Joyce takes a lovely diving catch. England are 213-4: game almost on.

1.46pm BST

38th over: England 213-3 (Morgan 76, Bairstow 8) Peter Chase is taken off straight after bagging that wicket, presumably to save him for the death, but it seems a shame when his tail is up. O’Brien, who has been less threatening, goes for a couple of twos. Mind you, most bowlers do against Bairstow, who is a magnificent runner.

1.42pm BST

37th over: England 207-3 (Morgan 73, Bairstow 6) Murtagh is still landing it in the right place, but Bairstow – or Barstow, as The Grauniad’s autocorrect longs to call him – is in such good form that he just pushes a length ball back past the bowler for four.

1.38pm BST

36th over: England 201-3 (Morgan 72, Bairstow 1) So Chase gets his man as Root, for the 21st time in ODIs, fails to turn a fifty into a hundred. But that was a formidable partnership of 140 at more than a run a ball, and it gives Jonny Bairstow the chance to bat for nearly an hour. He is fresh from walloping 174 in this format for Yorkshire.

1.34pm BST

Root dances down the pitch – and slams a half-volley straight to the man at mid-off. Shame. England are 200-3.

1.32pm BST

35th over: England 200-2 (Root 73, Morgan 72) Porterfield plays the only trump card in his hand and summons Tim Murtagh. But it’s not elevenses now. Root, using the crease, eases him for two, two and one, and the 200 is up. The Wasp was probably right: 330 is within range.

1.26pm BST

34th over: England 193-2 (Root 67, Morgan 71) Just when they could do with a big over, England take O’Brien to the cleaners. Root plays a crisp cut, picking his spot past backward point; Morgan stands and delivers, chipping a four over mid-off, and then pulls for four more. That’s drinks, the partnership is 133 from 128 balls, and the Irish Sea is looking almost as wide as it did at Bristol on Friday.

1.20pm BST

33rd over: England 179-2 (Root 62, Morgan 62) McCarthy again keeps England honest. He has 1-30 off seven overs, quite something against this pair.

1.18pm BST

32nd over: England 176-2 (Root 61, Morgan 60) Just when Stirling thought he was being parsimonious, Root plays a dancing cover-push for four and a pull for four more. He is a majestic sight in this mood. When he takes over the Test team, he will be the most elegant England captain since his role model, Michael Vaughan. Sheffield, where they make style.

1.15pm BST

31st over: England 166-2 (Root 52, Morgan 59) McCarthy, still bustling in, concedes only four. Second only to Murtagh among his team-mates, he can be proud of his morning’s work.

1.11pm BST

30th over: England 162-2 (Root 51, Morgan 56) After allowing Root to catch up, Morgan pushes ahead again with an off-shove off O’Brien, mistimed but still meaty enough to reach the rope. And that’s the hundred partnership, achieved with the greatest of ease. If you double the 30-over score, as England should do with so many wickets in hand, you get 324, which will be a mountain for the Irishmen to climb.

1.08pm BST

29th over: England 155-2 (Root 50, Morgan 50) Never mind Twenty20, welcome to Fifty50. The two skippers have added 95 already, without breaking sweat. Come on Ireland, conjure up a wicket.

1.05pm BST

Root hurdles a single to reach 50 off 57 balls, and off the next delivery Morgan swats a single to reach 50 off 49. Two captains’ innings at the same time.

1.02pm BST

28th over: England 150-2 (Root 48, Morgan 47) After the briefest of flirtations with spin from both ends, Porterfield recalls Kevin O’Brien, who keeps it immaculate for five balls and then hands Root a short one outside off. It is duly crunched for four to bring up the 150. You just hope Root is still doing this at the end of the longest summer.

“Re the first Brexit match,” wonders Gary Naylor, “can we make use of DRS to see if we can get a Not Out on review?” We’ve got to, haven’t we? The tide has turned against Brexit, and it just remains for the prime minister to spot this.

12.58pm BST

27th over: England 145-2 (Root 44, Morgan 46) Root plays the deftest of reverse sweeps, flicking a decent ball from George Dockrell over his right shoulder and past two gobsmacked fielders. Shot of the day so far.

12.56pm BST

26th over: England 138-2 (Root 39, Morgan 44) Stirling gets milked for seven, as off-spinners do. The sun has come out now. This is the first Brexit cricket match: Little England against a country that thought about turning its back on the European Union, and decided against.

12.52pm BST

25th over: England 131-2 (Root 36, Morgan 40) Just when the game was going to sleep, Joe Root hits a glorious straight drive back over Chase’s head for four. And that’s the halfway stage of an absorbing innings. This game is already far better than Friday, unless you’re a member of Adil Rashid’s family.

12.47pm BST

24th over: England 125-2 (Root 31, Morgan 39) Paul Stirling comes on with his off-breaks and hits Morgan’s stumps – but doesn’t dislodge the bail, as the ball has hit both pads on its way. England are still on top, but not out of sight.

12.44pm BST

23rd over: England 121-2 (Root 29, Morgan 37) Dockrell is taken off, with 0-24 off three, as Chase resumes. He does well, and England’s momentum is at least checked.

12.42pm BST

22nd over: England 118-2 (Root 28, Morgan 35) McCarthy restores order, conceding only two – a very Rootish cover drive from Root, well saved by the sweeper.

12.38pm BST

21st over: England 116-2 (Root 26, Morgan 35) A lap for four from Root brings up the fifty partnership in no time, or 45 balls.

I’m just wondering what the hell has happened to John Starbuck, when this arrives. “Tim,” yes John. “What hot drinks are consumed on the cricket field? Teas various, coffee (however elaborate, it won’t match the full range of coffee shops today), Horlicks, Bovril, Green & Black’s Hot Chocolate, or fortified milk drinks with a dash of hot water? Or rubbish sugar-filled junk? Does anyone out there have experience of this?” Starbuck at his best: not merely contributing but soliciting contributions from others.

12.34pm BST

20th over: England 107-2 (Root 19, Morgan 33) McCarthy keeps it tight-ish, which may also be the state of his hamstring. Sky keep showing shots of the ground taken from a helicopter, which must be maddening for the spectators. Perhaps Morgan could hit it with his next six.

12.31pm BST

19th over: England 103-2 (Root 17, Morgan 32) Morgan is enjoying this to an almost indecent extent. With that effortless six, he has 32 off 25 balls – and he usually speeds up through an innings, even more than most batsmen. Joe Root, meanwhile, is practising for being the England captain, adding a touch of sobriety to his exhilarating talent.

12.28pm BST

Morgan does it again, seeing Dockrell drag another one down and whacking it into the Mound stand.

12.26pm BST

18th over: England 94-2 (Root 16, Morgan 24) Barry McCarthy changes ends, but it doesn’t do him any good. When he drops short, Morgan sees it so early that he flat-bats a pull for four well in front of square. If he stays in for another hour, the game will run away from Ireland.

12.23pm BST

17th over: England 87-2 (Root 15, Morgan 18) Porterfield turns to spin for the first time in the form of George Dockrell’s slow left-arm, and Root helps himself to a couple of twos as Dockrell drops short. It would have been more had it not been for some fine sliding stops by Andy Balbirnie, patrolling the Grandstand boundary.

12.18pm BST

Hot drinks, I hope – it’s that kind of morning. Ireland have done pretty well, Murtagh especially, but Morgan is in the mood.

12.17pm BST

16th over: England 81-2 (Root 10, Morgan 17) Ireland take their slip out, and Morgan, the Irishman who got away, makes them pay with a delicious late cut for four. He joined England, you may remember, to play Test cricket. His best hope of playing some more of that may soon be to rejoin Ireland, who are expected to be granted Test status. But, for the moment, he remains a cracking one-day batsman.

12.13pm BST

15th over: England 73-2 (Root 9, Morgan 10) McCarthy keeps it tidy, restricting England’s two captains to three singles.

12.10pm BST

14th over: England 70-2 (Root 8, Morgan 8) Morgan’s six is the only excitement. It feels like a reproach to Roy for trundling along at an old-school tempo.

Andrew Benton responds to my question about how today’s contests should be ranked. “England vs Ireland – not much of a contest.” Harsh. “Man U vs Arsenal – not much of a contest, but the end of the footy season gets ever closer, hoorah! Macron vs Le Pen – could go pear-shaped with commentator’s curse.” Well yes, anything can: just ask Jason Roy. “But mostly, I’m looking forward to the Giro D’Italia. Will you be MBMing that this year?” Personally, no, but it’s a good question.

12.06pm BST

Out of nowhere, Eoin Morgan skips down the track and chips O’Brien over the rope at the pavilion end. Bold.

12.05pm BST

13th over: England 63-2 (Root 8, Morgan 1) McCarthy starts modestly, allowing Joe Root to crack a square drive for four, but then he gets the wicket of Roy, and later in the over he hurries Root into an ungainly shovel-shot. Game on.

12.00pm BST

Ireland’s surprise package, Barry McCarthy, lures Roy into a cover slap, which is sharply snaffled by Paul Stirling at extra cover. England are 60-2 and Ireland are suddenly on top.

11.57am BST

12th over: England 55-1 (Roy 20, Root 1) Jason Roy has been uncharacteristically muted, playing second fiddle to Hales, but now is his moment and he seizes it with a stylish straight drive for four off O’Brien. He has 20 off 32 balls: expect the first figure to catch up with the second fairly shortly.

Ireland’s grass-green shirts are sporting the logo of Turkish Airlines. It may be the most incongruous sponsorship since the Chinese ping-pong team agreed to promote Dubai.

11.52am BST

11th over: England 49-1 (Roy 15, Root 0) Murtagh finds enough movement up the slope to hit Hales’s leg stump with a ball that started off heading for middle-and-off. And then he has a decent shout against Joe Root with the same old trick. He has 1-16 off six overs, with no fewer than 28 dots.

11.47am BST

Murtagh finally gets his reward for a superb spell as Hales plays around his nip-backer. England are 49-1.

11.44am BST

10th over: England 45-0 (Roy 15, Hales 28) The bowling change I demanded comes to pass as Peter Chase goes off to lick his wounds and Kevin O’Brien comes on with his bustling medium pace. He has the broad beam that Fred Trueman considered essential for a seamer. On this evidence, he also has the miserliness of Murtagh. That’s the Powerplay done: England threatened to run away with it, but Murtagh had other ideas.

“Macron vs Le Pen?” snorts Gary Naylor. “French cricket with the googlies being bowled by Russia? Let’s hope Macron isn’t caught out.”

11.39am BST

9th over: England 44-0 (Roy 15, Hales 27) Murtagh’s little masterclass continues with a nip-backer up the slope that beats Hales’s inside edge and flips the flap of his pad. Murtagh has 5-0-12-0 and deserves better. Meanwhile the cameras find some Irish jackets that are just as garish as the English, and Liam Plunkett signs autographs for some schoolboys who are in uniform on a Sunday. That’s a bit keen.

11.35am BST

8th over: England 42-0 (Roy 13, Hales 27) Chase tries to bang it in, which almost worked in his first over. Now that Hales’s eye is in, it just produces two pulls for four. The other deliveries are fine, but after 4-0-32-0, it feels like time for a change.

11.31am BST

7th over: England 34-0 (Roy 13, Hales 19) Hales is going at almost a run a ball, but living dangerously against the excellent Murtagh. He pops an easy catch to short leg, and another to deep gully. Had there only been a man in either position, he would be toast.

11.27am BST

6th over: England 31-0 (Roy 13, Hales 16) Poor old Chase continues to leak runs without bowling badly. Roy punches a four through the covers and tucks a two off his hip. Ireland need a wicket.

11.23am BST

5th over: England 24-0 (Roy 7, Hales 16) Another tidy over from Tim Murtagh, who has conceded only seven. A question for you: which of today’s contests are you most gripped by?

(a) England v Ireland

11.20am BST

4th over: England 22-0 (Roy 6, Hales 15) Hales crunches Chase through the covers and then clips him for three. The cameramen tick two of the boxes in Lord’s bingo: the first bottle of champagne, and the first group of men wearing what passes for fancy dress in these parts – blazers in MCC colours, not so much egg and bacon as mango and strawberry.

11.14am BST

3rd over: England 14-0 (Roy 5, Hales 8) Murtagh keeps it tight and beats Hales, running the ball expertly down the slope. The Wasp, Sky’s prediction machine, reckons England will make 330. That will depend on whether the weather has a bigger say than the boundaries.

11.11am BST

2nd over: England 13-0 (Roy 4, Hales 8) Peter Chase, Ireland’s lone star on Friday, lopes in from the Pavilion end ... and bowls a big wide. Alex Hales pushes him through mid-on for four, almost plays on as Chase finds some bounce, and finishes the over with a cover drive for four.

11.04am BST

1st over: England 4-0 (Roy 4, Hales 0) Tim Murtagh opens up from the Nursery end, has a shout for lbw (straight but too high), and gets thumped down the ground by Jason Roy. The boundaries seem to be indecently short.

11.00am BST

This is the first big day for Lord’s latest stand, the Warner, which has been rebuilt. It was opened by the other day by Prince Philip, who, after listening to a talk about bats by Simon Hughes, promptly retired from public life.

When I started out as a cricket writer for The Independent on Sunday in 1990, the Warner was where they had the press box. It was a hopeless position, behind the bowler’s arse, when the bowler was at long leg. It was also deceptively cold: being in the corner of the ground that gets no sun, it didn’t warm up till July. But it did have, just behind the press box, a strategically placed bar.

10.53am BST

The man of the match on Friday, by a street, was Adil Rashid, who persuaded a succession of Irishmen to miss his googly. This morning, the man of the moment has got to be Tim Murtagh, a wily old swinger who knows all about dank mornings at Lord’s. The same thought has occurred to the tireless Gary Naylor. “If Murtagh and co can hit the seam on off stump and Porterfield backs them with slips, it will be a very tricky hour for England.”

10.42am BST

England resist the temptation to change a winning team, which is understandable but perhaps harsh on Moeen Ali. Ireland make one change, bringing in Barry McCarthy for Stuart Thompson, one seamer for another. You may not have heard of McCarthy, but he has two four-fors in ODIs, which is two more than Mark Wood, for all his pace, has in 50-over cricket.

10.36am BST

Heads, says William Porterfield, and heads it is. He opts to have a bowl, for obvious reasons: “it’s a bit cold, and there’s a bit of cloud around”. Eoin Morgan confirms that he would have done the same.

10.11am BST

Morning everyone, and welcome to the second day of England’s longest international summer. It’s as if we’re embarking on chapter two of War & Peace. Are you already absorbed, or finding it all a bit confusing?

The weather is murky, but the imperatives are clear enough. England need to carry on lording it and wrap up the first series win of the season, even if it will feel a bit like lifting the Community Shield. Ireland need to show they can compete after starting with a collapse worthy of Jeremy Corbyn. Cricket needs a clear sky and a proper contest, which probably means England batting first, if only to make sure the day lasts till teatime.

12.08am BST

Tim will be here shortly. In case you missed it, here’s Vic Marks on the first ODI, won comprehensively by England:

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Published on May 07, 2017 10:21

May 6, 2017

Hull 0-2 Sunderland, Leicester 3-0 Watford and more: clockwatch – as it happened

Relegated Sunderland ended Marco Silva’s long unbeaten run in home league matches with a surprise win at Hull, while Leicester jumped up to ninth in the table

5.28pm BST

Premier League match reports:

4.56pm BST

After a dull start, that turned into an entertaining afternoon: four games, 13 goals and one twist that not even Jed Mercurio saw coming. Sunderland’s win at Hull means Swansea will jump out of the bottom three if they beat Everton in the evening match. You can join Scott Murray for that. Thanks for your company; night!

4.53pm BST

An entertaining match ends 2-2 and confirms that both teams will play each other in the Premier League next season.

4.52pm BST

A surprise win for Sunderland leaves Hull in big trouble, while Burnley have reached the magical 40-point mark. They are not mathematically safe but it would take some series of results for them to go down.

4.51pm BST

Leicester move up to ninth in the table after a thumping win over a Watford side who put the pathetic in apathetic.

4.49pm BST

Marc Albrighton completes an easy win for the champions.

4.48pm BST

It’s over. Jermain Defoe has scored to give Sunderland a two-goal lead, even though he was clearly in an offside position, and Marco Silva’s unbeaten run is over.

4.47pm BST

Hull 0-1 Sunderland Hull don’t look like scoring. This is a monumental bonus for Swansea, who play Everton this evening.

4.46pm BST

Hull 0-1 Sunderland One minute plus added time remaining at Hull.

4.42pm BST

Sam Vokes gets his second, heading past the stranded Ben Foster, and Burnley are level.

4.41pm BST

A controversial equaliser for Bournemouth. Stoke thought King was offside when he deflected the ball onto Shawcross and into the net; the assistant referee disagreed.

4.38pm BST

Ten minutes to go and Sunderland still lead at Hull. It would be the most shocking coupon-buster since a fat Cockney spilled Begbie’s pint.

4.35pm BST

It’s dribbling goals in the Premier League! Craig Dawson heads in from a Chris Brunt corner to give West Brom the lead, and ensure Burnley aren’t safe just yet.

4.33pm BST

Hull 0-1 Sunderland Jordan Pickford makes another magnificent save, this time to deny Hernandez from close range. He is so good.

4.31pm BST

Brendan Rodgers will make a great England manager one day.

4.31pm BST

Mame Biram Diouf scores from close range after some sloppy Bournemouth defending. That’s his first goal in 27 games. Stoke deserve to be ahead.

4.30pm BST

It is happening again Sunderland were the team who ended Jose Mourinho’s long unbeaten home record as well.

4.27pm BST

“How can you miss the Raith Rovers v Ayr United game in the Scottish Championship?” sniffs Stewart Rennie. “A 10-man Rovers squad is clinging to a 1-0 lead and the hopes of avoiding the relegation playoffs if Hibs can put another past the surging Buddies (currently 1-1). Come on the Rovers (from Texas)!”

I was all over it until my moody feed went down.

4.25pm BST

Oh my word. Sunderland lead at the KCOM Stadium through a diving header from Billy Jones. Hull are suddenly in all sorts of trouble, and Marco Silva may be facing his first home defeat in a league match since March 2014!

4.24pm BST

Salomon Rondon scores his first goal since the days of Betamax video and Kajagoogoo haircuts, rattling in an equaliser at Turf Moor. That’s West Brom’s first goal since they beat Arsenal in March.

4.22pm BST

Patrick Roberts’ second goal should secure another win for Celtic.

4.21pm BST

Bournemouth have been below par but they are level through Junior Stanislas.

4.20pm BST

As things stand there are only four points between West Brom in eighth and Watford in 15th. There are a few ways to interpret that statistic.

4.19pm BST

Hull 0-0 Sunderland Hull are getting closer. A cross deflects to Hernandez, who is denied by a brilliant tackle from elegant octogenarian John O’Shea.

4.15pm BST

As things stand, Leicester are ninth in the table. Funny how things work out. (It’s effing hilarious.)

4.15pm BST

Riyad Mahrez (remember him?) doubles Leicester’s lead with a smart finish from a tight angle. Meanwhile, at Hull, Jordan Pickford has made another tremendous save.

4.14pm BST

That’s a big goal for Burnley, who are surely safe now. Ashley Barnes ignores a challenge from Jake Livermore, springs to his feet and crosses for Sam Vokes to score from close range.

4.13pm BST

Celtic are back in front. Yep.

4.13pm BST

Brexit means Brexit I forgot to update you on the action in Europe, but nothing of note is happening: Bayern and Dortmund are winning, while Atletico are drawing 0-0 with Eibar.

4.11pm BST

St Johnstone equalise almost immediately at Celtic Park!

4.09pm BST

Hull 0-0 Sunderland Another great chance, this time for Hull. Pickford palms the ball to N’Diaye, who shoots wide from close-range.

4.08pm BST

Celtic move closer to 100 points, and an unbeaten season in the league.

4.07pm BST

Hull 0-0 Sunderland Jermain Defoe has missed a fantastic chance to give Sunderland the lead, shooting too close to the keeper Jakupovic. What looked a home banker for Hull is turning into a bit of a nightmare.

4.05pm BST

Burnley 0-0 West Brom A great chance for the home side at the start of the second half, with James Tarkowski heading over the bar from close range.

4.01pm BST

“For anyone who’s wondering, Buckie Thistle just pulled one back against East Kilbride, who are now 2-1 up at home, the first leg having finished 2-2,” says Mike Cormack. “C’mon the Jags!”

3.58pm BST

If Hull draw against Sunderland they will be three points ahead of Swansea, but with two tricky games - Palace away, Spurs at home - remaining. Swansea have Everton (H), Sunderland (A) and West Brom (H) to play. Not even Jed Mercurio knows which team will be relegated.

3.56pm BST

“Hey Rob,” says JR in Illinois. “Who would you say has wasted the most time in the history of the Premier League? I think the answer is a no-doubter. It’s got to be Ben Foster. He is currently displaying his wares at Burnley (yes, he is time-wasting against Burnley) where he has just taken 31 seconds to take a goal kick. Other than Foster the Burnley-West Brom game is exactly as exciting as expected.”

3.49pm BST

Bournemouth 0-1 Stoke (Mousset own goal)

Burnley 0-0 West Brom

3.47pm BST

“My brother in law is a Cowdenbeath fan and tells a great story about the time Eddie the Eagle visited Central Park as part of a radio series on ‘Great Sporting Losers’,” says Simon McMahon. “At the time Cowdenbeath had gone about 18 months without a home win, after securing a promotion but then having gone the entire season without winning a home match, followed inevitably by relegation, after which it took them until about February to register their first home win. On the very day Eddie the Eagle turned up, of course.”

3.45pm BST

“Love that phrase, ‘a robust challenge’ (as used by the AFC Bournemouth Twitter feed),” says Kevin Ryan. “ It usually means ‘he booted him up in the air and then trampled on him’. It’s a bit like the Chief Executive address to the aggrieved shareholders at the Company’s AGM after a particularly awful year. ‘It has been a challenging year.....’ (that is we closed three factories, made several hundred workers redundant, found a bleeding great hole in the pension fund and are now virtually bust...)”

3.44pm BST

Bournemouth 0-1 Stoke Josh King misses a decent volleyed chance for Bournemouth.

3.43pm BST

Hull 0-0 Sunderland After a slow start, Hull are starting to threaten against Sunderland. They really need to win this game. Some might even go so far as to say they MUST win it.

3.41pm BST

Wilfred Ndidi has an enormous sweet spot on his right foot, and he has used it to blast Leicester ahead after Watford failed to clear a corner.

3.39pm BST

Thanks for sending in links to the Harry Arter tackle. Oof. That’s a red card in 1982, never mind 2017.

3.38pm BST

“Regarding your discussion with Naylor, doesn’t the successful Trundle+10 XI at Llanelli absolutely prove this?” says Elliot Carr-Barnsley. “I’d say a maverick is worth even more of he’s come out of retirement, apart from that time Gazza did it.”

3.37pm BST

Leicester 0-0 Watford: Kasper Schmeichel has made a good save from Tom Cleverley to keep the score at 0-0.

3.34pm BST

Stoke have scored their first away goal since January, an own goal from the Lys Mousset. He challenged Geoff Cameron for a corner and unwittingly headed past Artur Boruc. That’s pretty cruel luck for Mousset, who is making his full debut.

3.32pm BST

“Watching the Hull/Sunderland game (via completely legal means), I’m once again struck by just how good Harry Maguire is,” says Oli Atkinson. “He looks like an old-fashioned English clogger of a centre-back but actually has remarkably good technique. Best English defender in the league? Discuss.”

He’s been terrific in the games I’ve seen. I can’t remember an English centre-back who was as eye-catching in possession. Not seen enough to know how good a defender he is, but he can’t be far from the England squad.

3.29pm BST

This is where Twitter really comes into its own.

26: Arter picks up the first booking of the day for a robust challenge on Allen in our half.#BOUSTK

3.27pm BST

“Afternoon Rob,” says Matt Emerson. “Sad to see the decline of Cowdenbeath. My football club put on a penalty shoot out as half-time ‘entertainment’ for the few hundred faithful about twenty years ago. We paid fifty quid if I recall and we got pies laid on. Always had a soft spot for them ever since...”

Football will never recapture the magic of the Ginsters years.

3.26pm BST

Bournemouth 0-0 Stoke: Harry Arter is extremely lucky to receive only a yellow card for a shocking tackle on Joe Allen. I haven’t seen it but Paul Merson has, and his reaction was somewhere between appalled and horrified.

3.24pm BST

“What do you think of the eight teams playing just now Rob?” says Gary Naylor. “Save the obvious exception of Sunderland, they’re organised, athletic and committed - in a word, competent. But they’re not all that good at football - not by the historic standards on top-flight English football anyway. This “competent, but not much more” is a problem that stretches all the way up to Everton and, when going up a level, into PL sides in the Champions League and national teams too. Not that I know a solution - except, maybe, less PASSION!!!!!! and more coaching from top to bottom.”

Yes, that’s a very good point, though isn’t a problem in all football, from England to Brazil? The Premier League should introduce a quota system whereby every starting XI has to include at least one fat maverick.

3.21pm BST

Watford’s Adrian Mariappa is denied by the woodwork at the King Power Stadium, although he’s probably quite happy about that: it was the woodwork of his own team’s goal.

3.21pm BST

A good chance for Hull, with Sam Clucas denied by Sunderland’s Jordan Pickford. He is a tremendous young goalkeeper, isn’t he.

3.19pm BST

“Afternoon Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “The battle for play-off positions dominates the Scottish card today. Dundee United can finish second in the Scottish Championship with a win at Morton, but only if Falkirk don’t beat Dumbarton. But I’m bored of that already (there’s no way United are coming up, even if we make the play-off final, which we won’t), it’s really all about Cowdenbeath who, after being in the second tier only two seasons ago, have suffered consecutive relegations and now need a dramatic last-day escape to guarantee their league status. They must win at Elgin, and hope that Clyde or Berwick get beat. The team that finishes bottom will then face a play off against either East Kilbride or Buckie Thistle. It’s what clockwatch is all about, right? Come on the Blue Brazil.”

3.17pm BST

Fifteen minutes gone, no goals in the four Premier League games. Even Celtic haven’t scored. Our old friend ‘Saturday 3pm’ hasn’t had a good couple of weeks.

3.12pm BST

Stoke might have taken the lead at Bournemouth, had Marko Arnautovic not just shot tamely at Artur Boruc.

3.08pm BST

No goals so far, but Sunderland have started extremely well away to Hull. Leicester’s early dominance of Watford is less surprising.

3.06pm BST

10 - Stoke City have now gone 10 hours without an away league goal, since Peter Crouch scored at Sunderland in January. Malfunction. pic.twitter.com/09osHGSwyV

3.04pm BST

Sunderland have missed a great chance to take the lead at Hull, with George Honeyman heading wide from close range.

3.01pm BST

Funny old game department If you compiled a Premier League form table for 2017, Crystal Palace, Hull and Swansea - the teams battling to avoid the last relegation spot - would all be between ninth and 11th. One of those teams will feel pretty aggrieved come the final day of the season.

2.57pm BST

It’s spandex-tight in the lower-middle of the Premier League, with the chance for some smaller and/or newly promoted teams to finish in the top half. Burnley, for example, are in 15th place but could be ninth by 5pm.

2.43pm BST

An email! “Goochwatch: USA’s Lynden Gooch only gets a place on the subs bench for Sunderland, despite, by his account, pulling off a rather tasty rabona in his back garden yesterday,” says Woolie Madden. “One feels Mr Gooch now stands at a crossroads of his career as a Yank abroad: he could slip down the path of obscurity and wasted talent, like Freddy Adu; or, with hard work and a bit of luck, he could become the next, uh, Geoff Cameron.”

2.32pm BST

Some pre-match reading

Just in case you missed Rob Smyth's piece from Wednesday's @guardian: https://t.co/KG2qUAWhlF #Kaiser #CarlosKaiser #171

2.23pm BST

Crystal Palace have been plugged 5-0 at the Etihad, which will leave them in a bit of trouble should Swansea and Hull win today. City will surely finish in the top four now. Here’s the current Premier League table.

2.12pm BST

Bournemouth v Stoke team news

Bournemouth (4-2-3-1) Boruc; Smith, Francis, Cook, Daniels; Cook, Arter; Stanislas, Mousset, Pugh; King.

2.11pm BST

Burnley v West Brom team news

Burnley (4-4-2) Heaton; Lowton, Long, Tarkowski, Ward; Boyd, Westwood, Hendrick, Arfield; Vokes, Barnes.

2.09pm BST

Leicester v Watford team news

Leicester (4-4-2) Schmeichel; Simpson, Benalouane, Huth, Fuchs; Mahrez, Ndidi, Drinkwater, Albrighton; Okazaki, Vardy.

2.02pm BST

Hull v Sunderland team news

Hull (4-4-2) Jakupovic; Elmohamady, Ranocchia, Maguire, Robertson; Markovic, N’Diaye, Clucas, Grosicki; Hernandez, Niasse.

1.17pm BST

Today’s 3pm Premier League fixtures

10.50am BST

Hello one and all. On 30 March 2014, Rio Ave won 1-0 away to Estoril in Portugal’s Primera Liga. The goal was scored by the Egyptian striker Ahmed Hassan Mahgoub, also known as Kouka, or Koka, though his mother probably calls him Ahmed. It was a tremendous goal, belted low into the corner from 20 yards after a smooth passing move. You might wonder what’s the point of all this, and we’ll get to that as soon as we’ve dragged this paragraph out long enough to cause you mild irritation and make you question whether you are really living life to the max right now.

Where were we? Oh yeah, 30 March 2014. That was the last time Marco Silva lost a home league game as manager – a run that encompasses 41 matches and four different clubs. Since he moved to Hull they have been almost invincible at the KCOM Stadium, with six wins and a draw from seven games. If they win today at home to Sunderland - and they bloody well should - they will put all kinds of pressure on Swansea before their 5.30 kick-off at home to Everton. As it stands Hull are two points ahead of Swansea with three games to play.

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Published on May 06, 2017 08:56

April 26, 2017

The forgotten story of ... Carlos Kaiser, football's greatest conman | Rob Smyth

For more than two decades, Carlos Kaiser was one of the most famous footballers in Brazil – even though he had no intention of ever kicking a ball

You might know the voiceover at the start of The Big Lebowski. As tumbleweed meanders through Los Angeles, Sam Elliott introduces us to the film’s main character: “Goes by the name of Jeff Lebowski. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. See, this Lebowski, he called himself ‘The Dude’.”

The Stranger rambles on about this and that until he gets somewhere near the point. “Sometimes, there’s a man. And I’m talkin’ about the Dude here - the Dude from Los Angeles. Sometimes, there’s a man; well, he’s the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that’s the Dude.”

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Published on April 26, 2017 03:00

March 26, 2017

England 2-0 Lithuania: World Cup 2018 qualifier – as it happened

The recalled Jermain Defoe and the substitute Jamie Vardy produced accomplished finishes to give England a routine win in an underwhelming game

6.56pm BST

Peep peep! A routine win for England against limited opposition. Jermain Defoe scored on his return to the side, and Jamie Vardy continued his return to form with the second. Both were accomplished finishes. It was the kind of forgettable stroll we see so often in international football these days, and puts England one step closer to Russia. Thanks for your company; bye!

6.55pm BST

90+3 min “Oh,” says Phil Sawyer, “an MBM is Martini, Brandy, Madeira? *Puts meths, bleach and mouthwash back in cupboard*.”

6.53pm BST

90+3 min Rashford, on a yellow card, goes down in the box and is told to get up by the referee. We haven’t seen a replay so I’ve no idea whether it was a foul, but having told him to get up, the referee might have given him a second yellow card.

6.53pm BST

90+1 min The good news for England today: Keane, Defoe, Vardy, Rashford and the relentlessly excellent Walker. There is plenty to do but you can see a decent, likeable team starting to take shape. They won’t go to Russia among the favourites, but that’s probably no bad thing.

6.51pm BST

90 min Another elegant Henry-like burst from Rashford takes him through on goal to the left side of the box. He tries to stab it across to Vardy and the keeper Setkus blocks.

6.49pm BST

86 min “I’m pleased Defoe scored, and it’d be great if he went to the World Cup next year,” says Mike Gibbons. “ It probably won’t happen, but I do think the country owes him one after that decision to take a sixth-form age Walcott to Germany instead of him in 2006. Then as now, utterly unfathomable.”

Yes, especially for somebody as conservative as Eriksson. And wasn’t Walcott one of only four strikers, a half-fit Rooney and a barely fit Owen being two of the others? Bizarre. What an almighty mess England made of that tournament.

6.47pm BST

85 min Alli’s long-range shot is blocked, and Oxlade-Chamberlain’s beautifully struck follow-up is held by Setkus.

6.45pm BST

84 min “I got to Calais this morning for a two-day stint volunteering at the Refugee Community Kitchen here which is absolutely amazing and feeding displaced people in the Dunkirk camp as well as on the streets in Calais,” writes my colleague Stephanie Fincham. “Anyway, it was only as I arrived that I realised I miscalculated and that it has been only two weeks since my dog’s passport was issued - not the required three - so we are stuck here until Friday. So I was wondering if any of your readers might care to donate to refugeecommunitykitchen.com to help ease the pain of being a total twat ...”

Go on. It’s cheaper than buying a Stricken Strachan.

6.44pm BST

83 min Grigaravicius crosses low towards the near post, where Keane gets across to make a very good sliding tackle. England might have found a player there. He looks very composed.

6.43pm BST

82 min Rashford’s curling corner is headed over at the near post by Dier. That was a decent chance as well. Rashford has been brilliant in this cameo.

6.42pm BST

81 min “Can I interest Robin Hazelhurst in a MBM?” says Simon McMahon. “Martini, Brandy, Madeira. You need them when you follow Scotland.”

6.41pm BST

80 min Rashford, on the halfway line, plays a tremendous pass to put Vardy through on goal. The keeper comes out and Vardy lofts the ball over him and the bar. He should have scored. It was a great run though, possibly aided by the state of his eyebrows.

6.39pm BST

79 min “Is it me or does Jamie Vardy look like he’s had his eyebrows waxed?” says Keith Tucker. “Maybe it’s a way to make himself more aerodynamic; marginal gains and all that. I’m a metrosexual myself but this has to be a first for a Premier League footballer.”

I shudder to think what other grooming marginal gains might be available.

6.38pm BST

78 min Some good defending stops Vardy getting on to crosses from first Walker and then Lallana. England have been much better since Vardy and Rashford came on.

6.37pm BST

76 min When the book is written on the greatest 1,000,000,000,000,000 games in football history, this will just fail to make the cut.

6.33pm BST

74 min Another Lithuania change: Valskis off, Matulevicius on.

6.33pm BST

73 min Rashford is booked for deliberate handball from Alli’s cross.

6.32pm BST

71 min Walker finds Alli, who makes room for a low shot from 17 yards that is too close to Setkus.

6.29pm BST

69 min Lallana’s low left-wing cross finds Vardy, who tries a fancy flick and hits it against his standing leg.

6.27pm BST

Jamie Vardy seals victory for England. It was another nicely taken goal. Walker fed a short angled ball into Lallana, who clipped it first time round the corner. Slavickas pushed up for offside without bothering to consult anybody else, which gave Vardy space and time to control the ball and sidefoot smoothly into the corner. I think those were his first touches of the game.

6.24pm BST

63 min Rashford has added some necessary directness to England’s play, running at defenders every time he gets the ball. His best position will always be centre-forward but he is a very interesting option as a left-sided forward.

6.22pm BST

62 min “Simon McMahon normally offers cocktails when Scotland are playing, and given the current state of the Scottish football team he could probably make an appropriate one by mixing his and Mrs McMahon’s drinks,” says Robin Hazlehurst. “One part cheap lager and two parts cheap wine, it’s the Stricken Strachan. Hangover guaranteed just from looking at it. “

6.21pm BST

61 min Rashford breezes past three players on the left before a fourth defender comes across to concede a throw-in.

6.21pm BST

60 min “Re: 47 minutes, when did ‘corridor of uncertainty’ become standard terminology in football?” says David Wall. “I know Jonathan Pearce started using it a few years ago, and without acknowledging Geoff Boycott, but it really doesn’t work as well as in cricket. It’s not really a natural corridor in the way that the wicket is, in that people don’t tend to move along that line between goalkeeper and rear-most defenders. Surely there is something more appropriate for that area. How about playing the ball along the precipice of doubt? Or between the defender’s two minds?”

6.20pm BST

60 min A double England change: Marcus Rashford and Jamie Vardy replace Raheem Sterling and Jermain Defoe, the scorer of the only goal.

6.19pm BST

59 min Lallana breaks, and Zulpa takes a booking for the team near the halfway line.

6.18pm BST

58 min Lithuania have been a lot better going forward in this half. On ITV, Glenn Hoddle - an outstanding defensive coach - has been effusive in his praise for Michael Keane.

6.17pm BST

55 min Word to the wise: Judge John Deed is on Alibi right now.

6.14pm BST

54 min A Lithuania change: Novikovas off, Grigaravicius on.

6.13pm BST

53 min Oxlade-Chamberlain, using a defender as a screen, curls a good effort towards goal from 25 yards. It’s not quite in the corner and Setkus dives to his left to make a comfortable if spectacular--looking save.

6.13pm BST

52 min Slivka forces a reasonable save from Hart with a shot from the edge of the box. It came after a good break down the left by Cernych. He beat Walker and played it infield to Slivka, who moved away from Stones before hitting a left-footed shot that was comfortably saved to his right by Hart.

6.11pm BST

50 min Walker’s good curling cross is headed over at the far post by Alli, under pressure from Vaitkunas. There’s a bit more oomph to England’s play since half-time, when presumably the teamtalk wasn’t given by Iain Duncan Smith.

6.08pm BST

47 min Bertrand puts a beautiful ball into the corridor of uncertainty between defenders and keeper. Sterling gets there first, six yards out at the far post, but mistimes his connection and the dribbles through to the keeper. He should have scored.

6.07pm BST

46 min Oxlade-Chamberlain breaks dangerously beyond Vaitkunas, who sends him flying with a desperate shove to the chest. He’s booked.

6.05pm BST

46 min Peep peep! Lithuania begin the second half, kicking from right to left.

6.00pm BST

More half-time chit-chat

‘Workmanlike’ would be the kindest description so far. The unkindest, albeit the most accurate is this” - Hubert O’Hearn.

5.53pm BST

“I think the reason the Moronic Interloper (TM) is so unfazed by the threat of bass headstock-related violence is that he knows perfectly well if the ‘musician’ had the coordination to simultaneously keep playing and successfully strike someone, he’d be playing guitar rather than bass,” chirps Matt Dony. “And don’t even get me started on singers... (Tin hat: On.)”

5.51pm BST

A bit of half-time reading

5.51pm BST

Peep peep! On this occasion the headline is all you need to read: Jermain Defoe, 34, scored on his international return to give England the lead against a very defensive Lithuania. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

5.51pm BST

45+1 min John Stones clears off the line! Slivka was well offside when a towering defensive header came through to him just inside the England box, but play was allowed to continue. Hart came out unconvincingly and ran past the ball, allowing Slivka to chest the bouncing ball up in the air and head it towards goal. Stones reacted well to run back and hook it clear.

5.45pm BST

42 min “Afternoon Rob,” chirps Simon McMahon. “Talking as we are about moronic interlopers, Scotland are drinking in the last chance saloon against Slovenia tonight. Whereas I’m just drinking. It is Mother’s Day after all. Cheap lager for me and cheap wine for Mrs McMahon. Living the dream.”

5.44pm BST

41 min Sterling and Alli combine well on hte left to release Bertrand, who makes a fine run ... and then lets the ball roll under his foot and out for a goalkick.

5.41pm BST

38 min “The interloper is definitely Yahoo Serious, Australia’s version of laffmeister Noel Fielding,” says James Debens. “Either that or a young Trey Parker, “off his mash” on magic monkey juice.”

The greatest trick Mac Millings ever pulled was convincing the world he was multiple people.

5.40pm BST

36 min Sterling beats Vaitkunas again on the left side of the box - he’s got him on toast, with a homemade granola compote - but is denied when Setkus springs from his line to claim.

5.39pm BST

35 min Lithuania put a few passes together. I think I counted as many as six before they lost the ball.

5.36pm BST

32 min England have been slightly disappointing so far. That’s okay; there’ll be no England Fan TV reaction here. They’ve just been a bit slow to work out where it’s at: on the left and right wings. Their heat map leaves a lot to be desired! Their passing has also been a little on the slow side.

5.33pm BST

30 min Defoe is allowed to turn 25 yards from goal. So that’s what he does, teeing up a well-struck shot that flashes a few yards wide.

5.33pm BST

29 min “I think it’s unnecessarily cruel to link to a clip of one the most historically incendiary and exciting performing acts in a MBM of an England qualifier (possibly the least incendiary and exciting form of entertainment known to humankind),” says Sam Barton of that Jesus Lizard video. “That interloper looks suspiciously like James Endeacott (of Rough Trade records, later signed the Strokes & The Libertines). If I’m right do I win owt?”

Nope, and as you’re wrong you definitely win nowt. You’re right, mind; it does look a bit like him.

5.31pm BST

28 min Cernych does well to bring down a long pass on his chest just outside the England area, but his shot on the turn drifts well wide.

5.30pm BST

26 min “In 1993, I wasn’t watching proto-hipsters like The Jesus Lizard in trendsetting Highbury and cultivating curly hair for a living - I was drinking Merlot by the case and already telling anyone who would listen (or not), through misty eyes, how great that mid-80s Everton side really were,” says Gary Naylor. “I realise now that I’ve been (a) past it and (b) nostalgic for a quarter of a century. Millings is the new kid on that block. Though not that stage, obviously.”

The Secret Past of MBMers. If that’s not a Channel 5 series in the making, I don’t know what is.

5.29pm BST

24 min That’s a nice stat from the ITV commentator Clive Tyldesley: Defoe’s last goals for an England team were past Patrick Kielty in a Soccer Aid match. It’s a lovely story, and Russia is certainly a possibility given his fitness levels. I doubt he’ll start much for Southgate but he is a really good option from the bench.

5.26pm BST

It was a good goal. Sterling beat Vaitkunas with ease on the left, moved into the box and crossed low towards Defoe and Alli. A stretching defender missed it on the six-yard line and Defoe sidefooted decisively past Setkus.

5.25pm BST

Jermaine Defoe gives England the lead on his return to the side!

5.24pm BST

21 min Lallana shuffles infield from the right and plays a clever reverse pass to Defoe, who stretches to hit a first-time shot that is blocked by the outrushing Setkus. Not that it matters, because...

5.23pm BST

20 min “I think the most impressive part of the

Mac Millings
moronic interloper video is that he is so baked that he does not even flinch when the wood and steel headstock of a bass guitar is whipped toward his coupon,” says Peter Oh. “A lack of awareness since eclipsed only by David Luiz’s performance in the 2014 World Cup debacle against Germany.”

5.23pm BST

19 min Despite having loads of the ball, England haven’t really got going yet. They are still spending too much time trying to find an eye in the Lithuanian needle. The width of Walker has been the biggest threat.

5.21pm BST

17 min Keane sprays a long crossfield pass that is kept in play athletically by the relentless Walker. As the ball bounces Walker smacks a superb flat cross into the area that is headed away at the far post.

5.18pm BST

13 min Lallana’s cross from the left is headed away well by Cerynch, denying Walker a clear chance at the far post. Moments later Lallana’s shot from 20 yards is deflected through to the keeper Setkus.

5.14pm BST

10 min England’s play has been a bit narrow, which suits the compact Lithuania defence. It might be an idea to play with a little more width.

5.12pm BST

8 min “It’s a somewhat common theme that it’s only the English who are obsessed with the captaincy but, to my surprise, Univision’s coverage just talked about how ridiculous it is that a team like England has switched captains so frequently in recent times,” says Grace Pickering. “I’m not sure what else to add to that, to be honest. Just thought it worth noting.”

Who is this “Univision” and what does he know about English football? Is he even a football man?

5.11pm BST

7 min Alli is fouled 25 yards from goal, in line with the left edge of the box. England tried a training-ground free-kick, and cock it up.

5.10pm BST

6 min England have started confidently enough, though without any notable penetration. There’s very little space, with Lithuania keeping nine behind the ball most of the time.

5.07pm BST

4 min “That moronic interloper looks strangely familiar,” says Phil Sawyer. “Was it Sideshow Bob? You’ll notice I’ve resisted the urge to stick in a reference to Millings and unwelcome entrances.”

5.06pm BST

3 min Lots of early possession for England. Lithuania are defending very deep, as you’d expect.

5.04pm BST

2 min “I was going to write some smug, laff-filled comment about Sunderland experience equating to England, but my heart’s not in it,” says Hubert O’Hearn. “Instead, let’s just be happy for Jermain Defoe. He’s been a pro’s pro, does his business, sticks the ball in the net and deserves this curtain-call call-up. Nicely done sir.”

5.03pm BST

1 min The recalled Jermain Defoe has the first kick of the game, with England playing from right to left. They are in white; Lithuania are in yellow.

4.58pm BST

We’ve had the national anthems. Now there will be a minute’s silence for those who died in Wednesday’s terror attack on Westminster Bridge.

4.35pm BST

Guess who?

“If you can spare 50 seconds from your busy schedules, I urge you to watch this clip of The Jesus Lizard live at the Highbury Garage in ‘93,” writes Mac Millings. “I’m not sure what’s the best part: singer David Yow seemingly lifeless on the floor; the bassist’s exceptionally mild concern for Yow; the bassist’s flickered threat of violence towards a moronic interloper; the swift and sudden removal of said interloper; or the quiet grin of satisfaction on the bassist’s face at said swift and sudden removal of said interloper. Bonus points if you can identify the moronic interloper.”

4.35pm BST

“Afternoon Rob,” says Phil Sawyer. “There’s a ding-dong battle going on in the Moto3 race on BT right now. Not that I’m encouraging MBMers to DO IT! ESCAPE NOW! WHILE YOU STILL CAN! do anything other than stay tuned in to England’s latest hi-jinks.

4.16pm BST

ICYMI, this is tremendous.

4.15pm BST

“I like England’s all-attacking, all-defending, no midfielding line-up,” says Ian Copestake. “Long ball it to the creatives and let’s get the bacon delivered.”

We’re going to back to 5-0-5.

4.01pm BST

England (possible 4-2-3-1) Hart; Walker, Stones, Keane, Bertrand; Oxlade-Chamberlain, Dier; Sterling, Alli, Lallana; Defoe.

Lithuania (possible 4-2-3-1) Šetkus; Vaitkūnas, Kijanskas, Klimavičius, Slavickas; Kuklys, Žulpa; Novikovas, Slivka, Černych; Valskis.

1.11pm BST

Just when you thought you were out, they pull you back in. After a shambolic 2016, it seemed like the England football team were over, done, like skinny jeans. Yet there has been enough encouragement, in Gareth Southgate’s unsentimental rhetoric and the perky performance in Germany on Wednesday, to be drawn in again.

We know they will beat Lithuania today - no easy games at international level my corn-addled foot - so the fun will be in seeing how they beat them, whether Dele Alli and Adam Lallana combine as encouragingly as they did in Dortmund, and what system Southgate decides to play. This match won’t change your life but it should be diverting enough. Besides, what else are you going to do with your afternoon, watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on the Tiny Pop channel? You are? Oh fair enough, each his own.

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Published on March 26, 2017 10:56

March 25, 2017

Belgium 1-1 Greece: World Cup 2018 qualifier – as it happened

A disappointing Belgium grabbed a point against nine-man Greece through Romelu Lukaku’s superb late goal

9.40pm GMT

Eeh Bel Gium. That’s a frustrating night for Roberto Martinez’s team, and an excellent point for nine-man Greece. They would have won but for Romelu Lukaku’s brilliant late goal. Thanks for your company; night.

9.39pm GMT

The game ends with a bit of a rumble involving Lukaku and Tzavellas. Both are booked, which means Tzavellas goes off as it’s his second yellow. Greece are down to nine men. Lukaku then goes looking for trouble with someone else off camera. Tremendous stuff.

9.36pm GMT

90+1 min Kapino makes a great save from Lukaku! Carrasco’s cross from the left was thumped towards goal byu the head of Lukaku on the six-yard line, and Kapino reacted superbly to dive to his left and save. He could only push it onto a defender, and the deflection would have gone in had Kapino not reacted quickly to kick the ball away.

9.34pm GMT

It was a cracking finish by Lukaku. Mertens on the left floated a gentle ball towards him in the box. He had Papastathopoulous at his back but held him off, controlled the ball on his chest and swivelled to whack a volley that bounced through the hands of Kapino. Having done bugger all throughout the match. Lukaku suddenly went into beast mode there.

9.32pm GMT

Belgium have nicked a point!

9.30pm GMT

86 min Mirallas’s outswinging corner from the right is headed down by Alderweireld. It reaches Vertonghen at the far post, in loads of space, but he can’t control the ball on the stretch and it drifts behind for a goalkick.

9.29pm GMT

85 min “Evening Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “1-0 to Greece. It’s like 2004 all over again. But without The Killers, thankfully.”

Kasabian are still with us though, living the 2004 dream.

9.27pm GMT

84 min Greece kill a bit of time with another substitution: Zeca comes on for his debut, replacing Petros Mantalos.

9.27pm GMT

83 min Another Belgium change: Ciman off, Kevin Mirallas on. Belgium are now playing a loose-limbed 2-7-1 formation.

9.25pm GMT

82 min Alderweireld’s cutback from the right is only half cleared by the stretching Papastathopoulous. It bounces invitingly on the edge of the box for Witsel, who slashes the ball wide with his left foot. That was an excellent chance.

9.24pm GMT

81 min Greece’s defending has been extremely good. Belgium have had so much of the ball yet Kapino has had few difficult saves to make.

9.23pm GMT

79 min “Inspired by Roberto Martinez,” begins Ian Copestake, “I am following your coverage while listening to some sludge metal and a ditty called No One Deserves Happiness.”

9.21pm GMT

78 min You do wonder why Belgium didn’t show this much urgency in the first hour of the game.

9.19pm GMT

76 min “You know this piece of received wisdom about how going a man down only makes it easier on the team that’s under siege because they no longer have to pretend to play football and can just sit back and defend?” says Phil Podolsky. “Well based on my personal observations, sometimes this works and other times it doesn’t!”

9.18pm GMT

74 min Mertens free-kick hits the wall and rebounds to Alderweireld. His low shot deflects across the box and lands perfectly for Mertens, whose close-range shot is blocked by the feet of the outrushing Kapino.

9.16pm GMT

73 min Witsel is fouled just outside the area by Samaris, who is lucky not to be booked. This is a great opportunity for Belgium...

9.15pm GMT

72 min Witsel is booked for pulling Tzavellas to the ground.

9.14pm GMT

70 min Mertens’ fast low cross towards Lukaku is palmed away by the diving Kapino, after which it deflects off Manolas and behind for a corner. This is Belgium’s best spell of the game in terms of sustained pressure.

9.13pm GMT

69 min Chadli skedaddles round the back to win a corner. Nothing comes of it. Greece’s 10 men haven’t just parked the bus, they’ve removed the wheels as well.

9.11pm GMT

68 min Carrasco tries an optimistic effort from 25 yards that is saved easily by Kapino.

9.11pm GMT

67 min Greece make a change, with Alexandros Tziolis coming on to replace Fortounis, and to drop into the midfield hole vacated by Tachtsidis.

9.09pm GMT

66 min Belgium make a change: Mousa Dembele replaces Marouane Fellaini.

9.09pm GMT

Panagiotis Tachtsidis gets a second yellow for a late lunge at Alderweireld. It wasn’t the worst tackle in the world, but it was pretty daft for a player who had already been booked. Greece are down to 10 men.

9.06pm GMT

63 min Mertens dives on the edge of the box, and is perhaps a bit lucky not to receive a second yellow card. The Greece players certainly think so. Belgium have livened up at least, and Lukaku almost gets through a moment later. The last man Manolas come across to make a crucial interception.

9.05pm GMT

62 min “Flaky?” says Pete Strong. “A Roberto Martinez team? Really?”

9.04pm GMT

60 min Mertens gives Tzavellas’s nose a couple of non-playful tweaks and is booked.

9.02pm GMT

59 min Lukaku’s close-range shot is blocked by the keeper Kapino. Not that it matters; he was offside.

9.00pm GMT

57 min Belgium have some interesting options on the bench, including the exciting teenager Youri Tielemans and Simon Mignolet.

8.59pm GMT

55 min That’s better from Belgium. Lukaku does superbly to control a long ball forward from Vertonghen, hold off the defender and lay it back to Witsel. He marches onto the ball and spanks a rising drive not far wide from 25 yards.

8.58pm GMT

54 min Belgium look a bit confused by the scoreline. There does seem to be something exceptionally flaky about them, which is strange given how much their players have achieved at club level.

8.55pm GMT

51 min Alderweireld plays a brilliant through pass to Chadli on the right of the box. Stafylidis stumbles into him from behind but Chadli stays on his feet and eventually wins a corner. Had he gone down Belgium might have been given a penalty.

8.51pm GMT

The goal came out of nothing. Tachtsidis wanted a high ball more than Chadli and headed it forward in the general direction of the penalty area. Mitroglou reacted quicker than Ciman, running in behind him to sweep an emphatic curling half-volley across Courtois and into the far corner.

8.49pm GMT

Greece score after 18 seconds of the second half!

8.48pm GMT

46 min Peep peep! Greece begin the second half, kicking from left to right.

8.44pm GMT

France lead Luxembourg 2-1 at half-time. So far, so what. But just look at the possession stats!

8.41pm GMT

“Is this game rubbish because no one other than tooled-up bum-bag wearers really want to go to Russia?” types Ian Copestake on his iPhone 6, before placing it carefully in his bum bag.

8.31pm GMT

Half-time reading

8.31pm GMT

The scoreline flatters both teams. See you in 10 minutes for a second half that cannot fail to be better than the first.

Still, could be worse. “Netherlands down 0-2 away against Bulgaria without any real chances being made,” says Andreas Sjostrom. “Upset on the way.”

8.29pm GMT

43 min Belgium have been strangely lacking in urgency. Only Mertens has consistently got out of first gear.

8.28pm GMT

42 min Tzavellas is booked for fouling Fellaini. This is rubbish.

8.25pm GMT

40 min Fellaini gets his mandatory booking for kicking Mantalos. We’ll miss him when he’s gone.

8.23pm GMT

38 min Eden Hazard and Kevin De Bruyne are having outstanding games.

8.21pm GMT

36 min Mertens plays an outstanding pass infield to Nainggolan, who controls it excellently on the run while being challenged and then drags a low shot a few yards wide from just outside the box.

8.20pm GMT

34 min Mertens has been lively for Belgium. The rest haven’t. They’ve been pretty disappointing.

8.18pm GMT

33 min Greece have their longest spell of possession, a minute or so before the ball is given away. They haven’t offered much going forward.

8.16pm GMT

31 min Carrasco’s driven cross from the left is backflicked imaginatively towards goal by Fellaini, and Kapino leaps to tip the ball over the bar. That’s the first shot on target I think. It was a comfortable if showy save.

8.15pm GMT

30 min As we’re discussing all things Greek, here’s some football pornography involving Vassilis Hatzipanagis.

8.15pm GMT

29 min Tachtsidis is booked for shoving Fellaini over 35 yards from goal. Mertens’ lofted free-kick is punched away by Kapino.

8.13pm GMT

27 min This game is verging on the tedious, and no football match means to verge. Greece have defended really well, particularly with that defensive square in central positions.

8.11pm GMT

24 min As we’re discussing all things Belgium, here’s some football pornography involving the wondrous Enzo Scifo.

8.08pm GMT

21 min Lovely play from Belgium. Carrasco feeds the ball into Lukaku, who backheels it on the run to Nainggolan. He guides an angled first-time pass into the area towards Mertens, who falls over after a challenge from Tzavellas. Belgium want a penalty but Felix Brych is having none of it. It looked like nothing more than good body strength from Tzavellas.

8.06pm GMT

20 min Naingollan may look like a Rage Against The Machine song on legs, but he is the classiest footballer of their midfield trio. The moment I type that, of course, he screams a cross straight out of play on the far side.

8.05pm GMT

19 min Greece have done well enough so far, the Fellaini chance notwithstanding. Belgium’s passing can be intimidating, but you have to ignore it and remember that goals win matches. If I was managing a team against Martinez’s Belgium, these would be my tactics:

8.03pm GMT

17 min “I’m not really wanting to start anything public on this subject, but whilst I can see your point about Belgium as the time they blew their big moment, it’s more tricky about England about the hype, when we are so inundated with our own media, dissecting it so ruthlessly,” says Drew Goldie. “Was there really a golden generation, or was it just because football because more fashionable and wasn’t just back-page stuff? Perception’s a funny one. Do you know if the foreign press hyped England as potential winners of tournaments from - what, 98 to 2010?”

I see your point but I honestly think they did, certainly in 2006 and probably a little either side of them. On paper, Eriksson’s England were extremely good, and most of them were regulars in the later stages of the Champions League.

7.59pm GMT

14 min “Surely the most puzzling omission is Moussa Dembele,” says John Tumbridge. “He has helped drive Spurs to second place at the moment and looked great all season.”

Yes I’d have him over Witsel or Fellaini, but Roberto Martinez will have his reasons. I love Dembele. The way he hugs the ball on his left when he runs with the ball is just so damn moreish.

7.59pm GMT

13 min The first chance of the match. Mertens has time on the right and picks out a deliberate deep cross, arrowing it right onto the big, welcoming noggin of Fellaini. For once he makes a mess of a header, mistiming it well wide of the far post. He should have scored, and usually would have done. It was a brilliant cross from Mertens.

7.56pm GMT

10 min “Rob, the Belgians seem to be like a great beer in the making, with all the right ingredients, but that goes flat when poured out at the big occasions,” says

Al The Pub Landl
Justin Kavanagh. “So researching this, I’ve discovered that beer is given its fizz by being placed in a sealed container under pressure, whereby the beer absorbs the CO2. My conclusion is that Roberto Martinez needs to get his squad together a month before Russia in a Trappist environment and threaten blue murder if they don’t produce the goods next summer. After all, who wouldn’t bubble after a month of Martinez’s non-stop optimism?”

Sepp Piontek tried that in 1986, a story told in Danish Dynamite, named by the BBC as one of the five best football books of all time. But what he didn’t know is that Jan Molby had the keys to the secret beer stash, and the greatest Danish team of all didn’t win the World Cup.

7.54pm GMT

9 min Belgium are passing and moving as if they’re on the catwalk. It looks great, to be fair, and I bet they are bloody good in the rondo. In this actual match, almost all of their elegant passing has been in front of Greece.

7.52pm GMT

7 min Breaking nostalgia: Greece won Euro 2004.

7.50pm GMT

5 min “Belgium must be good if they can’t find places for Hazard or de Bruyne,” says Jake Lynch. “Is this some recondite scheme by Roberto Martinez? Or are they injured?”

Yep, both injured.

7.49pm GMT

4 min I’m not sure Greece have been out of their half yet. Belgium are swaggering around, moving the ball quickly and confidently.

7.48pm GMT

2 min A fast start from Belgium. Mertens, playing on the left in the absence of Eden Hazard, crosses towards the near post. Kapino spills it but just manages to grab it at the second attempt as Lukaku lunges towards the ball. The Greece defenders weren’t happy with Lukaku’s challenge, though it looked legitimate.

7.46pm GMT

1 min Peep peep! Belgium, in the usual red and black, kick off from left to right. Greece are in white.

7.32pm GMT

“Belgium better start delivering,” says Phil Podolsky, “cause their midfield conductor and architect is turning 30 this year.”

7.07pm GMT

Belgium (3-3-3-1) Courtois; Alderweireld, Ciman, Vertonghen; Nainggolan, Witsel, Fellaini; Chadli, Mertens, Carrasco; Lukaku.

Greece (4-2-3-1) Kapino; Torosidis, Manolas, Sokratis, Tzavellas; Tachtsidis, Samaris; Mantalos, Fortounis, Stafylidis; Mitroglou.

6.54pm GMT

A bit of pre-match reading

12.35pm GMT

Whom the gods wish to destroy, they first call a golden generation. Belgium are in danger of becoming the disappointment of their generation. They have looked great on paper for a few years now, but all they have managed on the pitch are two tame quarter-final defeats at the World Cup and European Championship.

They have replaced England as the team with the highest hype: achievement ratio in world football. It’s not too late to change that, though. They are still a young side - Romelu Lukaku is 23, Kevin de Bruyne 25, Eden Hazard 26 - and most of their squad should have at least two more major tournaments in them.

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Published on March 25, 2017 14:40

March 22, 2017

Germany 1-0 England: international friendly – as it happened

Lukas Podolski scored a belting goal in his last match for Germany to settle an enjoyable match against an impressive England

9.42pm GMT

Peep peep! That was a decent night’s work for England, despite the scoreline. They lost to a screamer from the retiring Lukas Podolski but played some sophisticated football and were the better team for plenty of the game. The 3-4-2-1 system worked well, and Alli and Lallana were outstanding in everything apart from their finishing. Thanks for your company; goodnight.

9.37pm GMT

88 min Schurrle drags a good first-time effort just wide of the far post. In fact it nicked off the boot of Stones, which is why it went wide. Germany have been a lot better in the second half.

9.34pm GMT

85 min This minute’s substitution: John Stones for Chris Smalling.

9.34pm GMT

84 min Lukas Podolski takes his leave as an international footballer, to be replaced by Sebastien Rudy. He went out in the grand manner with a magnificent goal.

9.32pm GMT

84 min England have a lost a bit of impetus in the last few minutes. The substitutions don’t help. Here are two more: James Ward-Prowse (another Southampton debutant) and Luke Shaw replace Jake Livermore and Ryan Bertrand.

9.30pm GMT

81 min “I know I write in all the time to talk about Romario but that goal is really something else,” says Phil Podolsky. “It gave a 10-year-old me a clear notion of what is talent, after I was obsessively trying to reproduce it on the playground for months.”

I love that it was against Real Madrid, too. It’s fascinating how often the greats save their highest peaks of genius for the toughest opponents.

9.28pm GMT

78 min Bertrand’s cross is only half cleared to Lingard, whose snapshot from 15 yards is blocked by a defender. That was a chance. Bertrand has had a good game tonight.

9.26pm GMT

77 min Another Germany change: Timo Werner off, Thomas Muller on.

9.24pm GMT

73 min Hart makes a terrific save from Sane. Keane made his first mistake of the night, misjudging a bouncing ball and allowing Sane to burst clear in the inside-left channel. He got into the box and cracked a low shot across goal that was almost behind Hart when he plunged to his left to keep it out. That’s a seriously good stop.

9.21pm GMT

71 min Marcus Rashford is on for Jamie Vardy, and Jesse Lingard has replaced Dele Alli.

9.19pm GMT

Lukas Podolski, on his farewell appearance, has given Germany the lead with a stunning goal. Schurrle laid the ball off to him 30 yards from goal; he touched it to the side and screamed an unsaveable rising drive into the top right-hand corner. It’s his 49th goal for Germany, and it was a belter.

9.18pm GMT

Oh my goodness!

9.16pm GMT

67 min Dier is fouled 70 yards from goal, springs straight to his feet and clips the free-kick over the top. Vardy’s pace is too much for Rudiger but he just can’t pull the ball down on the stretch.

9.15pm GMT

65 min An England change: Nathan Redmond, making his international debut, comes on for Adan Lallana. And Germany bring on Emre Can for Julian Weigl.

9.13pm GMT

63 min A fine move from England: Alli crunches a lovely pass out wide to Walker, who slips in the underlapping Lallana. His first-time clip across the box is deflected behind for a corner.

9.11pm GMT

62 min The substitute Schurrle goes on a glory mosey from the right wing, eventually lacing a good effort from 20 yards that flies just wide of the far post.

9.10pm GMT

61 min This is not a night on which to draw conclusions, good or bad, about England. But the one thing we can say, and which bodes well, is that they have been fun to watch. That sure isn’t always been the case.

9.09pm GMT

60 min An England corner breaks to Alli, whose shot is desperately smothered by Hummels.

9.08pm GMT

59 min The first substitution: Andre Schurrle for Julian Brandt.

9.07pm GMT

58 min “I think Lallana has one of the best first touches in world football, outside of the truly elite players,” says Matt Dony. “The way he regularly kills a ball and turns in one action is amazing. It just doesn’t lead somewhere quite often enough. I’m a big fan, and I’m very happy to have him at Liverpool, but he’s one of those players who always promises just a tiny bit more than he delivers. (See also: Arsenal 2009-present.)”

9.06pm GMT

57 min Germany have been much better going forward since half-time, and as a consequence it feels like a goal is coming at one end or another.

9.05pm GMT

55 min Another chance for England. Dier stumbles through the Germany defence, taking advantage of a couple of ricochets to strike an excellent cross shot from a narrow angle that is superbly saved by the diving ter Stegen.

9.04pm GMT

54 min Kroos clips a glorious short-range pass over the top of the England defence, where the stretching Podoslki can’t connect with an attempted close-range volley. Moments later, Podolski’s shot is deflected for a corner.

9.03pm GMT

53 min Livermore curves a ball down the right for Vardy, who easily beats Hummels for speed. His cross is deflected towards Alli, who arrives late but can’t connect properly with a left-footed volley on the stretch.

9.00pm GMT

50 min A snappy one-touch move from England. Eventually Lallana crosses towards Vardy, and Rudiger heads behind for a corner.

8.59pm GMT

49 min “Are you adopting a policy of not publishing all the emails commenting on the greater fluidity, pace and cohesion of the post-Rooney England?” says Geoff Wignall. “Or is it simply so taken for granted that it doesn’t elicit comment?”

The latter.

8.58pm GMT

48 min A miserable punch from Hart goes straight to Brandt, whose left-footed howitzer from inside the D swirls fractionally wide of the left-hand post.

8.56pm GMT

Advance apology. There will be a lot of substitutions in this half. If I miss one, sue me.

8.54pm GMT

46 min Peep peep! Germany begin the second half, kicking from left to right.

8.54pm GMT

“Is Lallana maybe not quite clinical enough to be a top-rated player?” says Neil Hattersley. “I like him a lot - but would he get a start for e.g. Chelsea?”

I know what you mean. There is so much to like about him - Ryan Giggs just came out with a nice line on ITV about Lallana “setting traps” before nicking the ball high up the pitch - but he’s not a killer. I do think he’s becoming more efficient under Jurgen Klopp though, and I’d always have him in the England team.

8.53pm GMT

“Not to rain upon the parade – well done all around and all that – but Germany are notorious for not taking friendlies serious,” rains Andreas. “Just ask the Argentinians: they beat Germany in the last three friendlies and got kicked out of the last three World Cups for their trouble. And Jogi Löw has taken this to a whole new level, handing out debuts like vaccinations and having already said that he will be using the Confed Cup to “experiment”. And let’s face it – this is not even a friendly, this is a vehicle for Podolski, who’d never even play under different circumstances.”

Oh it’s okay, having an open-top-bus parade for winning a friendly is so 2016. We’ve changed now.

8.42pm GMT

“You’ve got to feel for Podolski,” says Charles Antaki. “All dressed up, house decorated, bunting out, favourite mixtape in the cassette player, and along come some much cooler kids and take the party over. He might as well be back playing for Arsenal.”

8.39pm GMT

England should be ahead; they aren’t. But they have played well, with Dele Alli and Adam Lallana very lively. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

8.38pm GMT

45 min Weigl smacks an ambitious long-range shot well wide of the far post.

8.37pm GMT

43 min England look much sharper and hungrier than Germany, which I suppose is a qualified compliment given the status of the game. They have played really nicely going forward.

8.36pm GMT

41 min Alli misses a great chance! Germany lost the ball in their own third, with Bertrand and Vardy working the ball quickly from left to right to give Alli a clear shooting chance. He was 15 yards from goal but hit it too close to ter Stegen, who spread himself to make an excellent save. “He’s got to score,” says ITV’s ever excellent co-commentator Glenn Hoddle. “It’s not good enough just to hit the target from there. You’ve got to pick a spot.”

8.34pm GMT

40 min Dier took the free-kick - and sidefotted it a few yards over the bar.

8.33pm GMT

40 min Scotland have equalised against Canada. You probably want to know about that England free-kick, don’t you?

8.33pm GMT

39 min Alli, the best player on the pitch so far, is fouled just outside the area by Rudiger. It was a bit of a soft free-kick but it’s in a great position for England.

8.32pm GMT

37 min A couple of scares for England: Brandt’s cross hits the arm of Cahill inside the area, and then Hart is almost dispossessed by Werner while dealing with a backpass. Hart got himself out of trouble with a Cruyff turn in the end. It could easily have been a penalty against Cahill, who leaned into the ball when it hit his arm.

8.29pm GMT

35 min “After booing the German anthem, England fans do their 10 German Bombers bit,” says Dave Hickey. “How predictably tasteless.”

What’s the point? Of anything, but specifically war-themed banter like that.

8.27pm GMT

33 min Alli beats Hector on the right wing with a wonderful piece of skill - the same glue-on-the-boot drag used by Romario in his legendary goal against Real Madrid. Hector did not have a solitary clue what day it was.

8.25pm GMT

31 min: Lallana hits the post! It was all his own work. He intercepted a poor pass by Kimmich towards Rudiger on the halfway line, stabbed it past him and set off. He had to run half the length of the field with the ball but had enough pace to keep ahead of the defenders. Eventually he got into the box and place a low left-footed shot that beat ter Stegen and bounced off the far post.

8.22pm GMT

30 min “So far no game for those of us in the U.S. due to technical difficulties at ESPN so please do extra good describing for us,” says JR in Illinois. “Instead I am watching Scotland v Canada. Canada is winning 1-0. Oof.”

8.22pm GMT

29 min Weigl is off the field receiving treatment. He hurt himself in a 50/50 with Dier. Actually Weigl went slightly over the ball, a poor challenge, and injured himself in the process.

8.21pm GMT

28 min Keane waves a nice pass over the top for Alli, who gets behind the defence on the right of the box and hits a cross that is headed behind by Rudiger.

8.20pm GMT

27 min “Is Michael Keane the first Burnley player to debut since Martin Dobson v Portugal in 1974?” says Harry Williams. “(Yawn.)”

It’s a no from me. He’s the first outfield player from Burnley to play for England since Martin Dobson though.

8.19pm GMT

26 min Lallana’s outswinging corner is headed towards goal by Dier, with Ter Stegen making an easy save. He scored the winner in Berlin a year ago from a right-wing corner; this time he was under pressure and couldn’t get any power on the header.

8.18pm GMT

24 min There’s a breezy enterprise to England’s attacking, exemplified by Alli and Lallana. There are still medium-term areas of concern, particularly when it comes to the spine of the team, but the love handles of Walker, Rose, Lallana and Alli have a lot going for them.

8.16pm GMT

23 min Alli coaxes a really imaginative deep cross to Walker, who just keeps the ball in play and lobs it to far post on the stretch. Lallana does well to pull it down under pressure before Weigl clears.

8.15pm GMT

23 min “Of course, the only problem with having Millings in charge of England is, every team selection will be more influenced by some overarching theme (possibly music-related) than current form,” says Matt Dony. “Good news for, say, John Rolling Stones. Less so for plain Gary Cahill.”

8.14pm GMT

22 min It’s a bit of a quiet spell, the football equivalent of the boring middle overs in a one-day international cricket match.

8.12pm GMT

19 min “That Vardy pen shout sums up why players often dive,” says Hugh Molloy. “It’s clearly a foul, even if Vardy hurdles the keeper cleanly because he has to jump to avoid being taken out. Vardy, however, knows he won’t be given the foul so his only option is to try to manufacture contact.”

Yes, fair point, although the players who cheat are partially responsible for that refereeing reluctance.

8.11pm GMT

18 min Germany are coming into the game a bit more, with Weigl and Kroos having plenty of touches in the centre of midfield. Weigl looks so good for a 21-year-old, especially as he plays in a position that usually demands maturity.

8.09pm GMT

16 min A loose ball breaks to Podolski, who whacks a shot against the legs of Keane from 20 yards. I do hope he intends to shoot every single time he gets the ball tonight; I know I would.

8.08pm GMT

15 min Vardy plays a good through pass towards Alli, who doesn’t quite have the pace to get there before Hummels. Meanwhile, a superb stat from Clive Tyldesley: Jake Livermore is the first outfield player from West Brom to play for England since... Steve Hunt in 1984.

8.07pm GMT

14 min Vardy looks really sharp. When he’s in this mood he must be such a pain in the arse to play against. I suppose he is also fresh after missing the first six months of the season.

8.06pm GMT

12 min Germany have their first extended spell of possession. England are compact defensively, with nine behind the ball. Alli and Lallana appear to have the freedom to swap sides whenever the mood takes them. It’s not a bad system, this 3-4-2-1. The two behind the striker have a lot to do creatively, though.

8.03pm GMT

10 min “Podolski and his friend Klose really are a bit of what England need aren’t they?” says David Hopkins. “Solid but unspectacular most of the time then world-beaters come tournament time.”

8.01pm GMT

8 min Alli’s superb cross towards Vardy is put behind for a corner. Bertrand cracks a low outswinger that is dummied smartly by Vardy at the near post and thrashed just over the bar by Keane. He caught that very well and might have scored. This has been a really good start from England.

8.00pm GMT

6 min Alli turns smartly and plays a good ball through to Vardy, who beats Ter Stegen to the ball and then dives pathetically. The daft thing is that it probably was a foul - Vardy got to the ball first and Ter Stegen dived across the line of his body - but the absurd dive distracted from that.

7.58pm GMT

5 min Dele Alli swaggered all round Berlin when England beat Germany 3-2 a year ago. It’ll be interesting to see how he plays in this new England system, one that he knows well from Spurs.

7.56pm GMT

4 min “Evening Rob, my duck,” says Phil Sawyer. “I’ve just got off the phone to my dad. Now, my dad was born during WW2 and has not been backward in coming forward about his Brexit tendencies (in that awkward family dinner kind of way that can only be solved by your mother interjecting chirpily ‘So, anyone for pudding?’). However, even he was more interested in chatting about my mum’s recent bout of chicken-pox than the prospect of an England match against Germany. That’s how low we’ve sunk. When even the Brexit generation can’t be bothered to get worked up about an England performance. I blame ... (consults list) ... Mac Millings.”

If Southgate doesn’t work out, it’s surely time to go rogue and appoint Millings as England manager.

7.55pm GMT

3 min Nothing to report so far. Keane has had a couple of good nerve-calming touches.

7.54pm GMT

2 min “As you allude to, there’s been a surprising amount of success against Germany in Germany,” says Matt Dony. “Most notably, that magnificent ‘Germany 1 - 5 Liverpool’ scoreline from the halcyon days of 2001. I’m gonna listen to Amnesiac.”

Is this it.

7.53pm GMT

1 min Peep peep! The game kicks off seven minutes later than advertised. England, in their new midnight blue (sic) kit, are kicking from left to right. Germany are in white.

7.48pm GMT

“Seriously, can we start the game now?” says Lee Dixon on ITV. The ceremony is over, so now it’s time for the national anthems.

7.46pm GMT

Now Podolski is giving a speech to the crowd. The England players, who have been standing in a line since this ceremony started a few hours ago, are starting to look a little restless.

7.44pm GMT

The players are out in the middle. There is a long tribute to Lukas Podolski, who is playing his 130th and last match for Germany. He played a huge part in reviving German football after the embarrassments of the early 2000s (when they also managed to reach a World Cup final).

7.31pm GMT

The last time England lost against Germany in Germany was 1987. Football was a bit different then, as is demonstrated by Peter Reid’s contribution to Gary Lineker’s goal.

7.25pm GMT

“I think Waddle had a spontaneous rant after England went out of one or other tournament some time back, saw that it became very popular, and now seems to look forward to any forthcoming tournament for the chance to ‘spontaneously’ react that way again,” says David Wall. “Of course, the criticisms he makes tend to contradict those he made the last time, but consistency doesn’t seem to be necessary for popularity.”

I blame Twitter.

7.21pm GMT

Gareth Southgate’s pre-match interview “Our first thoughts are with the families of those who have lost their lives and been injured. It puts football into perspective. We’re conscious that part our of identity as a nation is that we carry on in moments like this, and it’s important we represent our country in the right way tonight.”

7.11pm GMT

An email “Interesting to see that Southgate is using the friendly to experiment with a different formation, and some players who don’t normally feature.,” says David Wall. “In particular, on the radio last night almost all of the pundits were saying he should try out using three centre halves, as he appears to be planning to do. Do you think those same pundits will cut the team some slack if they lose or don’t immediately look like world-beaters, or if it was just a ruse to allow them to draft their copy, and plan their criticism early (looking at you Chris Waddle)?”

I don’t listen to the radio much but I always thought Waddle was great. He hasn’t been turned into a reactionary, has he?

6.47pm GMT

I say all those nice things about you, Gareth, and then you select Jamie Vardy ahead of Marcus Rashford. We need to talk.

Germany (4-2-3-1) Ter Stegen; Kimmich, Rudiger, Hummels, Hector; Weigl, Kroos; Sane, Podolski (c), Brandt; Werner.

6.23pm GMT

It’s been a desperate day in London, and the fatal terror attack in Westminster will overshadow this match. The full story is on our ongoing liveblog. If there are any newsflashes we’ll let you know here as well; otherwise we’ll try to stick to the football.

5.40pm GMT

Hello. Here we go again, again. This is England’s first game since Gareth Southgate was made permanent manager and although the optimism is a warier and wearier than has sometimes been the case, the old John Cleese line from Clockwise still sums up how the majority of England supporters feel about their team: “It’s not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It’s the hope.”

Southgate has pointed out that, since his penalty miss against Germany in 1996, England have done little to warrant such hope. Most of the time they go into tournaments with a weird mixture of arrogance and insecurity, a confused kind of gallows hubris. Southgate’s standards are higher than that and, by his own admission, there is a bit of Roy Keane in him. In November 1998, when Aston Villa celebrated their best-ever start to a league season with a commemorative team photo after winning at the Dell, Southgate raged against their small-time mentality.

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Published on March 22, 2017 14:44

The Fiver | Their unique kind of gallows hubris

In today’s Fiver: Gareth Southgate stroking his beard, Zlatan v Pep, Premier League one-appearance wonders, Ronnie Moran RIP

The phrase “plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose” could have been invented for the England football team, if only it hadn’t been coined by some bloody foreigner. Every few years they and their followers restart the same pattern of hope, expectation, arrogance, insecurity, despair, failure and BBC montages. We know how tournament football works: when the going gets tough, England get going on the first available flight back home. Holland gave us Total Football; Spain introduced tiki-taka to the world; England bring their unique kind of gallows hubris.

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Published on March 22, 2017 09:58