Rob Smyth's Blog, page 159

Bournemouth 2-0 Swansea City: Premier League – live!

An Alfie Mawson own goal and Benik Afobe’s second-half strike gave Bournemouth a deserved win that moved them up to 11th in the table

7.20pm GMT

Peep peep! That’s an excellent and deserved win for Bournemouth. The game was pretty even until Alfie Mawson’s unfortunate own goal, but after that they were largely in control and deserve the cushion given them by Benik Afobe’s goal. They are nine points clear of the Championship Penthouse and should be safe for another season. A subdued Swansea have plenty of work to do. Thanks for your company, night.

7.19pm GMT

90+3 min Wilshere hits one straight at Fabianski from inside the D. And that should be that.

7.18pm GMT

90+2 min Eddie Howe gifts Max Gradel a win bonus, bringing him on for the excellent Josh King. He didn’t score but played a significant part in both goals.

7.16pm GMT

90 min There will be three minutes of added formality.

7.13pm GMT

87 min The game is petering out. Bournemouth have been excellent today. They deserve so much praise for the way they have got back on track since that diabolical first 20 minutes at Old Trafford a fortnight ago.

7.10pm GMT

84 min If it stays like this it will be Bournemouth’s first clean sheet since... their 3-0 win at Swansea on New Year’s Eve.

7.08pm GMT

82 min Another Swansea change: Borja Baston replace Llorente, who had little joy all night.

7.06pm GMT

81 min “What about, ‘Hull, Middlesborough and Sunderland currently occupy the Sunderland Memorial Bench’?” offers Matt Dony.

7.06pm GMT

79 min Fabianski makes a magnificent save to deny King! Wilshere stood up a lovely deep cross to the far post, where King soared above Kingsley and thumped a header towards the bottom corner. He was only six yards out but Fabianski showed brilliant reflexes to get down to his left and keep it out. There won’t be many better saves than that in the Premier League this season.

7.04pm GMT

78 min “Maybe we should give the bottom three a boost of confidence,” says Hubert O’Hearn. “May I suggest ‘Championship Penthouse’?”

7.02pm GMT

77 min Cork flattens Afobe and is booked.

7.01pm GMT

76 min “Regarding the relegation zone,” says Ian Copestake, “perhaps it can simply be called’the toilet’.”

7.00pm GMT

75 min A Bournemouth change: Jack Wilshere replaces the impressive Fraser.

6.59pm GMT

The two strikers combined to make the goal. King picked up a loose ball 25 yards goal and opened his body to play an angled pass to Afobe. The stretching Mawson missed his attempted interception and Afobe took the ball in his stride before sidefooting it across Fabianski and in off the post. That’s an excellent finish.

6.58pm GMT

This is definitely Benik Afobe’s goal!

6.57pm GMT

70 min Routledge’s chipped cross is pulled down nicely by Llorente, who somehow manufactures a low cross from the byline. Narsingh is tackled at the near post and the ball ricochets towards Routledge, who has followed up the play and is about to start his shooting motion when Cook stretches to make a vital, probably goal-saving tackle. All of a sudden Bournemouth are hanging on.

6.55pm GMT

68 min This is Swansea’s best spell of the half by a distance, with a couple of corners and a wee snifter of hope. Carroll’s long cross is headed back across goal by Llorente and cleared desperately by a combination of Afobe and Francis.

6.53pm GMT

67 min Another Swansea change: Wayne Routledge replaces Ki.

6.52pm GMT

66 min Bloody hell, an email! “Yeah some great stuff on that channel,” says Phil Podolsky. “You don’t have to be ‘Romerio’ to score that goal but it sure looks better when he does it.”

I’ve never seen a better one-on-one finisher. Scoring a goal wasn’t good enough for him. He had to vaccinate the keeper, and ideally a defender or two, as well.

6.51pm GMT

65 min Carroll is fouled just outside the area. It’s a fair way to the left of centre but certainly not out of range for Sigurdsson. He strolls up to the ball ... and hits it into the wall.

6.48pm GMT

62 min Bournemouth are moving the ball around beautifully now. They are such an admirable side who didn’t compromise even when they were in freefall. If they win today they won’t be worrying about relegation so much as looking at the chance of finishing in the top ten.

6.43pm GMT

58 min Fabianski miskicks to Fraser and then saves his long-range shot. Bournemouth have the game under control at the moment and look the much likelier scorers. Swansea have been poor since half-time.

6.41pm GMT

56 min A Swansea change: the ineffective Ayew off, Luciano Narsingh on.

6.38pm GMT

53 min That’s more like it. King nicks the ball off Ki and gives it Gosling, who moves forward and cracks a good low shot from 20 yards that is pushed round by the diving Fabianski.

6.37pm GMT

52 min It hasn’t been a great start to the second half. In fact, the square root of bugger all has happened in the last five minutes.

6.34pm GMT

47 min Ayew makes a positive run down the right before he is pulled down by Daniels. Nothing comes of the free-kick.

6.31pm GMT

46 min Peep peep! Swansea begin the second half, kicking from left to right.

6.17pm GMT

Half-time reading

Related: Pep Guardiola’s zonal theory will take time for Manchester City to learn | Jonathan Wilson

6.17pm GMT

Peep peep! A quiet end to an interesting half between two confident sides. Bournemouth lead through Unlucky Alf’s own goal. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

6.11pm GMT

41 min Smith curls the resulting free-kick straight into the friendly bosom of Fabianski.

6.11pm GMT

40 min Ki is booked for a late tackle on Fraser. He knew. It was an honest attempt to get the ball but he was beaten by Fraser’s cartoon pace. He looks really promising, with his direct running and crossing technique. I’m telling you, Scotland are slowly putting a team together.

6.09pm GMT

38 min If it stays like this Bournemouth will be nine points clear of the relegation places. Don’t call it the drop zone. Please don’t call it that. This isn’t The Crystal Maze.

6.07pm GMT

36 min A lovely attempt from Sigurdsson. He received the ball 30 yards out, looked around as if nothing was going on, and then suddenly whipped a wonderful dipping effort towards the far corner. Boruc flew across his line to tip it behind for a corner. I think it would have hit the outside of the post anyway but Boruc made sure.

6.03pm GMT

The goal was made by King and Pugh, who played a good one-two 25 yards from goal. Afobe then took the ball off King’s feet, charged towards the edge of the box and mishit a low shot that took a big deflection off Mawson. I think that might be an own goal; I’m not sure Afobe’s shot was on target.

6.01pm GMT

Benik Afobe gives Bournemouth the lead with the aid of a huge deflection!

6.00pm GMT

27 min It’s been a decent game, with both teams bright and breezy in possession, but it’s getting to the stage where it could do with a goal.

5.56pm GMT

24 min From the resulting corner, Carroll’s shot hits the arm of Pugh to prompt an unsuccessful penalty appeal. Pugh’s arms were up and, though he was barely a yard from Carroll, that could easily have been given - especially by Mike Dean.

5.54pm GMT

23 min Kingsley is fouled by Smith on the left wing. Sigurdsson’s superb inswinging free-kick skims off the head of King and flashes this far wide of the far post. King is in the goals at the moment but that would have been ridiculous.

5.48pm GMT

18 min Swansea have been the better team in the last 10 minutes. As Martin Keown says on BT, having three against two in midfield is really helping Swansea.

5.45pm GMT

15 min A half-chance at the other end. The lively Fraser puts a beautiful dipping cross onto the head of Afobe, whose diving header goes a few yards wide of the far post.

5.44pm GMT

14 min Fer’s long throw from the right is headed down precisely by Llorente to Sigurdsson, who bangs a volley over the bar from 15 yards. That was half a chance for a player of Sigurdsson’s technical quality.

5.43pm GMT

13 min Swansea enjoy a few minutes of largely uninterrupted possession. If we get an early goal, this could be a cracker.

5.40pm GMT

10 min A good effort from Fraser. He scurries forward, away from Carroll, and drags a low shot not far wide from the edge of the box.

5.39pm GMT

9 min Swansea are starting to come into the game after a very sluggish start. Sigurdsson curls in a very good free-kick from a deep, narrow position on the right, and the stretching Mawson heads well wide of the far post. He couldn’t get over the ball to control the header.

5.35pm GMT

6 min Smith’s cross deflects into the face of Sigurdsson and behind for the first corner. Surman takes it short to Fraser, who cross is intercepted by Carroll.

5.33pm GMT

3 min The in-form King nicks possession just outside the area before blasting high and wide. Swansea have barely had a kick so far.

5.31pm GMT

2 min This is a confident start from Bournemouth. Pugh moves smoothly round the back on the left before stabbing a cross that is cleared at the near post.

5.31pm GMT

1 min Peep peep! Bournemouth, in red and black, kick off from left to right. Swansea are in white. It looks like Swansea are playing with Leroy Fer as an emergency right-back.

5.29pm GMT

A gift, from me to you.

This YouTube channel is entirely wonderful.

4.35pm GMT

Bournemouth (4-4-2) Boruc; Smith, Francis, Cook, Daniels; Fraser, Surman, Gosling, Pugh; King, Afobe.
Substitutes: Allsop, Cargill, Smith, Ibe, Wilshere, Cook, Gradel.

Swansea (4-3-3) Fabianski; Fer, Fernandez, Mawson, Kingsley; Cork, Ki, Carroll; Ayew, Llorente, Sigurdsson.
Substitutes: Nordfeldt, Roberts, Amat, Routledge, Britton, Narsingh, Baston.

6.16pm GMT

Hello. Some games are bigger than others. This match, between the teams who started the day in 14th and 16th place, has been described as a six-pointer. It’s no such thing - you don’t need to be a distant relation of Archimedes to know you can’t have a six-pointer if there are more than two teams involved in a race for something - but it’s a pretty important match, especially with Leicester and Crystal Palace winning.

Two weeks ago, Swansea would have been favourites to win at the Vitality Stadium. Since then they have lost at Hull and Bournemouth have stopped free fallin’. I haven’t a clue what’s going to happen. Nor have you. We’ll find out from 5.30pm.

Continue reading...

West Bromwich Albion 3-1 Arsenal: Premier League – as it happened

Craig Dawson scored two identical goals from corners to give West Brom an outstanding victory over Arsenal

2.27pm GMT

PS Join the inventor of and world leader in liveblogging, Scott Murray, for today’s 3pm fixtures. Bye!

Related: Stoke v Chelsea, West Ham v Leicester City and more: clockwatch – live!

Related: West Bromwich Albion’s Craig Dawson soars to give Arsenal a fresh low

2.25pm GMT

Peep peep! West Brom fully deserve this fine victory. They did a number on Arsenal, with Craig Dawson scoring two identical goals from corners. There was more to it than that, though, with the usual organised defending and some high-class counter-attacking prompted by the left foot of Chris Brunt. Arsenal’s performance aped that of Alexis Sanchez: lively in the first half, empty in the second. I’ll leave the final word to Victor Valkov. “ I’m all for showing respect to an illustrious 20-year career and a 49-game unbeaten record that will never be broken but Arsene just cost me five quid on my accumulator. He’s dead to me.”

2.20pm GMT

90+2 min “NBC coverage suggest Arsenal lack moral fibre,” says Ian Copestake. “Surely the nutritionist should be sacked.”

2.18pm GMT

90+1 min “Have the players downed tools on Arsene?” says Sam Hankins. “Or are Arsenal really that bad? It sure looked like that with Leicester City to get their manager the sack.”

I might be wrong, and frequently am, but I think this is more an inherent weakness in too many of the players that puts the mental in fundamental. They are an extremely good fairweather side.

2.18pm GMT

90 min West Brom make a late substitution: young Sam Field replaces Nacir Chadli.

2.15pm GMT

85 min Arsenal have really struggled since that third goal. Now they are enduring some ole football from West Brom. Quite a role reversal, that. West Brom have been tremendous. Their gameplan has worked perfectly, and some of their counter-attacking football has been extremely good.

2.12pm GMT

84 min It wouldn’t be a surprise if Sanchez was feeling that McClean tackle in the second half, so dramatic was the drop-off in his performance. Without him, Arsenal have offered nothing in attack. Too many good-time Charlies.

2.11pm GMT

83 min “Hey Rob,” says JR in Illinois. “Neil Swarbrick seems to be the only referee that holsters his canister of invisible spray on the front of his shorts. And it’s not just that it’s on the front but that it is basically centered that makes it a bit disconcerting.”

Neil Phwoarbrick more like!

2.10pm GMT

82 min Arsenal are suffering death by deja vu. Again.

2.10pm GMT

80 min If it stays like this Arsenal will have lost four of the last five league games and six of the last 12. Everybody knows the war is over; everybody knows the good guy lost. It does feel like time for a change, but the abuse and lack of respect is not on.

2.06pm GMT

78 min An Arsenal change: Alex Iwobi replaces Alexis Sanchez.

2.04pm GMT

This is far too easy. McClean on the right curls over a fast corner into the six-yard box. Dawson again gets a run at the ball and strains his neck muscles to head in from a few yards, flattening one of his team-mates in the process. He was surrounded by team-mates, in fact, because Arsenal had nobody near him in the six-yard box.

2.03pm GMT

This is almost identical to the first goal. Oh, Arsenal.

2.03pm GMT

74 min “A part of me was really hoping Ospina tripped Chadli there just to see who would play keeper,” says Abhi Vijay. “Arsenal would truly have blurred the lines between sport and performance art.”

2.01pm GMT

73 min Sanchez has been much quieter in the second half, and therefore so have Arsenal.

2.00pm GMT

72 min Claudio Yacob replaces Chris Brunt, who has had a fine game, particularly with his passing on the counter-attack.

2.00pm GMT

71 min If West Brom win this they will be seven points ahead of ninth-placed Stoke, who lost at home to Chelsea later this afternoon.

1.57pm GMT

70 min Xhaka can’t. He cracks it into the wall.

1.57pm GMT

69 min Welbeck is fouled just outside the area by Brunt. The free-kick is a fair way to the right of centre and thus suits the left-footed Xhaka.

1.55pm GMT

66 min A double chance for West Brom! Brunt’s beautiful curling pass allows Robson-Kanu to run beyond Mustafi and clear on goal. Ospina dithers but then does well to block Robson-Kanu’s attempted dink. The ball rebounds to Chadli, who dances around Ospina before hitting a shot that is blocked on the line by Mustafi.

1.53pm GMT

65 min Welbeck hits the bar! Xhaka coaxed a right-wing corner to the far post, where Welbeck stretched to steer a header onto the bar.

1.53pm GMT

65 min Walcott has had a really poor game. Maybe he’s trying too hard. Anyway, he is coming off now to be replaced by rugged bench-warmer Olivier Giroud.

1.52pm GMT

64 min “I think it would have shown great forward thinking by the WBA ownership had they provided away fans with A4 sheets of paper and marker pens,” says our Wexit correspondent Ian Copestake.

1.50pm GMT

62 min “Arsene strikes me as a modular synth guy in the vein of Jean Michel Jarre - admired by the purists for his technical grasp of difficult analogue systems and methods (Dennis Bergkamp perhaps the most “analogue synth-esque player of the Wenger era), but fundamentally the fans find the lack of chart toppers hard to stomach after a while, and wish he would just invest in some quality session musicians and make a more typical record, rather than noodling constantly with weird synth patches and filters.”

That’s no way to talk about Per Mertesacker.

1.47pm GMT

60 min Big Hal Robson-Kanu had been on the field for about 74 seconds when he scored that goal. Not even Quasimodo predicted that.

1.47pm GMT

59 min “I firmly believe,” says Ian Copestake, “that if defenders and such had just stood off Maradona and admired sharing the turf with him rather than hacking him to bits in the name of defensive duties, he would never have picked up that air rifle.”

1.46pm GMT

Arsenal aren’t happy about this. McClean played the ball infield from the left to Chadli, who lofted a return pass over the top. Ospina came out feet first to clear but the ball hit Robson-Kanu, who reacted smartly to poke it into the net. It went through the legs of McClean, who was standing behind the keeper and in an offside position, but also reacted smartly to spread his legs and ensure he didn’t touch the ball. The referee went to the linesman to check, with Arsenal encouraging him to disallow the goal, but by the laws of the game it was fine. I have no idea why Ospina didn’t use his hands there.

1.43pm GMT

Big Hal Robson-Kanu gives West Brom the lead with a comedy goal!

1.43pm GMT

55 min “Or,” says Steven Hughes, “the brilliant Noel Gallagher music video commentary.”

1.42pm GMT

54 min Rondon is coming off, to be replaced by Big Hal Robson-Kanu.

1.40pm GMT

51 min A good chance for Rondon to score his first goal since the millennium. Brunt, in space on the left, curls over a beautiful cross towards the six-yard box, where Rondon gets above Koscielny and flicks a header just wide of the far post. Koscielny just about did enough to put him off.

1.39pm GMT

50 min Rondon tries to shoulder charge Bellerin, misses and ends up on his arse.

1.37pm GMT

48 min Sanchez is penalised for fouling Dawson and has a long moan at the referee. He’ll be booked for dissent at some stage. I do have a bit of sympathy for him though, because he’s been cynically fouled a few times in this match.

1.33pm GMT

46 min Peep peep! West Brom begin the second half, kicking from right to left.

1.33pm GMT

A few of you have suggested that, had McClean’s foul on Sanchez been committed by Xhaka on a West Brom player, he would have sent off. That might be true, though I don’t think it was close to a red-card offence.

1.23pm GMT

Half-time chit-chat

“Andy Hinchcliffe’s Dad once made a wooden doll’s house for one of my kids,” says David McMurrugh. “He was an accountant but that was his hobby.”

1.19pm GMT

Half-time reading

Related: David Wagner’s survivalist mentality steels Huddersfield for the big time

1.19pm GMT

Peep peep! The scoreline is about right after a good half of football. West Brom were dangerous from corners and counters; Arsenal were dangerous when Alexis Sanchez had the ball. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

1.19pm GMT

45+3 min And he’s a dog person.

1.18pm GMT

45+2 min When Xhaka overhits a return pass in a dangerous area, Sanchez’s face aches with frustration. I know some of his behaviour has been iffy of late, but by god he is magnificent. He is everything you could want in a player.

1.15pm GMT

45+1 min Sanchez is back back back.

1.14pm GMT

45 min “Pulis would play the kazoo,” says Justin O’Gorman. That’s a compliment, rig- “You can just about get a basic tune out of it. Nobody ever takes you seriously, though.”

1.13pm GMT

44 min Sanchez is limping to the touchline after that tackle, which wasn’t the best. I suspect he’ll be okay for the second half.

1.12pm GMT

43 min Finally somebody is booked for a foul on Sanchez. It’s McClean, who sent him flying with a sliding tackle.

1.12pm GMT

42 min “The theremin, I think, for Wenger,” says Charles Antaki. “It requires a professorial, not to say aloof posture, can yield beautiful harmonies, but with poor handling produces discordant notes and horrible, screaming protest.”

1.11pm GMT

41 min Xhaka shoots from 35 yards, but does so with a lack of conviction that suggests he realised halfway through the kicking motion that it was an entirely futile gesture. It was too late to abort so he just wafted it gently miles wide of goal.

1.09pm GMT

39 min “I was at that 5-2 game with my partner, Tessa, who’s not a football fan,” says Tom Levesley. “She thought it was unfair that Albion had to play a team of people so much bigger and better. A good assessment. We were finding our feet in the Prem still and it’s fair to say it was indeed men against boys that night.”

Arsenal were bloody terrifying in the autumn of 2002. It was men against boys in every game until a 16-year-old boy called Rooney finally brought them down.

1.07pm GMT

37 min David Ospina replaces Cech, who is applauded off the field by both sets of supporters.

1.06pm GMT

36 min Petr Cech has injured himself and needs to come off. He injured himself while passing the ball to Mustafi; it looks like a calf or hamstring problem.

1.04pm GMT

34 min Now it’s West Brom who almost take the lead. Livermore shapes an imaginative through pass that sits up perfectly for Fletcher to whack first time across goal, and Cech flies to his right to turn it behind. This is a really enjoyable game.

1.03pm GMT

33 min Fine save from Foster! The chance was made by the roaming Sanchez, who cracked an excellent angled pass to Ramsey in the box. He turned smoothly and clipped an excellent left-footed shot towards the far corner. It looked like it was going in but Foster got down really smartly to his left to save. That led to a desperate scramble in the box, during which Walcott almost scored, before Nyom cleared.

1.01pm GMT

31 min Rondon, found by Chadli on the break, drags a low shot through Mustafi’s legs and a few yards wide of the far post. It was a decent effort from a prohibitive angle.

1.00pm GMT

30 min “On the theme of Pulis’ potential music video - which musical instruments would these two managers play, if they gave up the day job and fancied a career a little less fickle and popularity-driven than that of Premier League manager?” muses Matt Loten. “Pulis would be all about the acoustic guitar I feel: dependable; unflashy; gets the job done but hardly likely to set the pulses racing. Wenger would of course pick something wafty and elegant, but outmoded in today’s pop-and-rock world. The harp, perhaps?”

I think Pulis would be the electric guitar, and a member of Status Quo. Wenger would play the fourth flute part, and when he played the second flute nobody would notice.

12.57pm GMT

27 min A dangerous corner from Brunt flashes across the six-yard box. Arsenal break and Sanchez is pulled back by Rondon; like McAuley earlier, he’s lucky not to be booked. Sanchez is ticking in the comedy style.

12.56pm GMT

26 min The game hasn’t really settled down since those two quick goals, but now West Brom have a corner and that’s as good as a penalty.

12.54pm GMT

24 min Sanchez is warned for repeatedly complaining about being fouled. There’s a lovely English football logic in that.

12.53pm GMT

22 min The Sky commentator Andy Hinchcliffe continues to do his nut about the defending for both goals, specifically Arsenal allowing Dawson a clear run, and Chadli not bothering to share a postcode with Sanchez in the West Brom area. Hinchcliffe, quietly, is one of the best co-commentators on Sky I think. He does what so few co-commentators do - he gives you the expert’s view rather than repeating the commentary. The only slight downside is that his voice always sounds a bit worried, as if he’s commentating on the game but is preoccupied with the nagging concern that he didn’t lock the back door when he came out.

12.51pm GMT

20 min “It’s nearly 11 at night, there is a seriously large storm outside and I’m watching Aberdeen play Hearts rather than the Premier League,” says Phil Withall. “Is this a sign of the mundane nature of the Premier League or a more deep seated aversion to hype over substance?”

I’m going forthe latter. Either that or you have extra-special hipster foresight and know that Scottish football will be so damn hot in five years’ time.

12.49pm GMT

19 min Sanchez spins McAuley brilliantly 35 yards from goal and is pulled back. McAuley might have been booked for that. Sanchez looks extremely sharp today.

12.47pm GMT

Arsenal passed the ball around patiently, waiting for an opening. Eventually Xhaka drilled a good crossfield pass to Sanchez, who was in an absurd amount of space on the left side of the box. He took it on the chest, came inside the covering Dawson and smashed the ball in off the bar from eight yards.

12.46pm GMT

Arsenal are level straight away!

12.44pm GMT

West Brom are so good at set pieces and they have done it again. Chadli curled it into the six-yard box from the left and Dawson got a run on Koscielny to flash a close-range header into the net. That was so simple. Cech was nowhere and Dawson, who came from deep, towered above everyone to win the header.

12.43pm GMT

West Brom take the lead from a set piece.

12.42pm GMT

12 min Cech makes a good save to deny McClean. It came from a fine counter-attack. Brunt played a crisp straight pass through to McClean, who ran into the area and belted a shot towards the near post from the left side of the box. Cech’s positioning was excellent and he pushed it behind for a corner.

12.41pm GMT

10 min Tony Pulis harrumphs on the touchline when a decision goes against West Brom. He has his baseball cap on as usual. Surely it’s time for him to do a charity single, with saucy video, entitled ‘You Can Leave Your Cap On’.

12.37pm GMT

6 min Almost a goal for Arsenal at the other end. Sanchez plays a great through pass to the overlapping Monreal, who crosses low towards Walcott in the six-yard box. Foster does well to smother the chance. I’m not sure whether it was Foster or Walcott who got to the ball first; either way, Foster got a touch at some stage and it was excellent goalkeeping.

12.35pm GMT

5 min What a run from Nyom! He bulldozed skilfully past three players on the left before clipping the ball right across the face of goal. The final ball wasn’t great actually - he should have cut it back to Rondon - but his powerful, fleet-footed run was magnificent.

12.32pm GMT

3 min The pattern of the match has already been established: West Brom defending deep and narrow, Arsenal having loads of the ball. They are actually playing with Welbeck up front and Sanchez on the left.

12.30pm GMT

1 min Peep peep! Arsenal, in yellow, kick off from right to left. West Brom are in the usual blue and white.

12.29pm GMT

Mind the time when...

12.25pm GMT

“I notice West Brom have had difficulty scoring goals this season,” says Kevin Ryan. “Bournemouth have scored four more than them and 16th placed Swansea the same number (36). However judging by the photo of Arsene Wenger striding across today’s pitch the Baggies have come up with a brilliant solution - have two goals at each end. Excellent idea! Maybe they should also campaign for a novel amendment to the existing rules i.e goalkeepers not being allowed to use hands.”

You jest, but I give it 10 years, tops, before a lightbulb goes on in Gianni Infantino’s head.

12.20pm GMT

“Afternoon Rob,” says Matt Loten. “Oxlade-Chamberlain, Walcott and Welbeck all in Arsenal’s starting line-up today; who would have thought that of the three, The Ox would be the only one to make the latest England squad? He’s probably the most naturally talented of the three, and his breakthrough performance against Barcelona, which had shades of Jack Wilshere a few years prior, would cause most football purists to swoon. Much like, Wilshere, however, Oxlade-Chamberlain hasn’t really kicked on, and seems to have fallen foul of late-Wenger’s decision to keep experienced, trophy-laden pros to a minimum - how might his career have panned out had he learnt under Vieira, Fabregas or even Ray Parlour? On the other hand, I’d have taken Walcott and Welbeck in a heartbeat, given Theo’s form and the national team’s current lack of options up front.”

Yes, I agree about Oxlade-Chamberlain - that dressing-room osmosis is incredibly important. I’m sure Welbeck will be a squad regular once he has a run of games.

11.33am GMT

West Brom (4-2-3-1) Foster; Dawson, McAuley, Evans, Nyom; Fletcher, Livermore; Brunt, Chadli, McClean; Rondon.
Substitutes: Myhill, Wilson, Olsson, Yacob, Leko, Field, Robson-Kanu.

Arsenal (4-2-3-1) Cech; Bellerin, Mustafi, Koscielny, Monreal; Oxlade-Chamberlain, Xhaka; Walcott, Ramsey, Welbeck; Sanchez.
Substitutes: Ospina, Gabriel, Mertesacker, Iwobi, Elneny, Coquelin, Giroud.

6.01pm GMT

Hello. Melodrama is the new stability. We have become a society full of Eastenders characters, addicted to narcissistrionics. That is especially true of football, which gets more infantile by the day, and means that Tony Pulis and Arsène Wenger – the high priests of Premier League stability – get nowhere near the credit they deserve.

Pulis has been one of the managers of the season; Wenger the most scandalously treated. They have - and have had - their differences but they share an old-school philosophy and certain non-negotiable standards of behaviour. They are good men in a bad industry. Their teams meet today, with humble but admirable targets in mind: Pulis wants to establish West Brom in the top 10, Wenger wants to keep Arsenal in the top four and continue their pound-for-pound overachievement.

Continue reading...

Atlético Madrid 0-0 Bayer Leverkusen: Champions League last 16, second leg – as it happened

Atlético Madrid eased into the quarter-finals for the fourth consecutive season after an entertaining goalless draw with Leverkusen

9.36pm GMT

Peep peep! Atletico are into the quarter-finals for the fourth consecutive season. The game was more fun than the scoreline suggests, with some classy attacking play - particularly from Leverkusen - and some beautiful goalkeeping from Oblak and Leno. Thanks for your company, goodnight.

9.31pm GMT

89 min Gaitan is booked for a high tackle on Kampl.

9.29pm GMT

87 min When The Joy of Six: Meaningless 0-0s is written, this will be in there. It has defied all logic by being an enjoyable, engaging game.

9.28pm GMT

86 min Griezmann stabs a pass into Saul on the edge of the area. He turns and whacks a low left-footed shot that is comfortably held by the sprawling Leno.

9.27pm GMT

84 min Godin has had a superb game tonight. He could easily have coasted but his beyond-the-call commitment sums up the sheer pride of this Atletico side.

9.22pm GMT

80 min The substitute Bailey cuts across an awkward, bouncing shot from 25 yards that is turned behind by the diving Oblak. The corner is played short and worked to Kampl, whose low 25-yard curler is again repelled by Oblak, a good save as he was probably unsighted.

9.21pm GMT

78 min The match is starting to peter out. Leverkusen bring on Leon Bailey for the impressive Julian Brandt.

9.16pm GMT

73 min Bellarabi’s fierce left-footed shot from the edge of the box is spilled by Oblak, but Savic is on hand to beat Hernandez to the loose ball and concede a corner. Leverkusen have had their moments tonight.

9.14pm GMT

72 min Another Atletico change: Stefan Savic comes on for Yannick Carrasco.

9.14pm GMT

71 min Baumgartlinger is booked for pulling back Vrsaljko.

9.12pm GMT

70 min Griezmann misses a chance, rifling wide of the near post from a tightish angle after a good pass from Carrasco.

9.11pm GMT

68 min Oblak makes a tremendous triple save to deny first Brandt and then Volland. The second and third stops, both from Volland, were especially good as he had to get to his feet each time. The ball then deflects to Hernandez, whose low shot is deflected just wide of the far post by one of the four Atletico defenders guarding the goal as a mother guards her cubs.

9.09pm GMT

66 min Another classy take from Hernandez prompts a bad foul from Gimenez, who is booked.

9.07pm GMT

65 min Gimenez goes over in the box after a slight shove from Hilbert. The referee isn’t interested.

9.07pm GMT

64 min A change for Atletico: Nicolas Gaitan replaces the lively Angel Correa.

9.06pm GMT

63 min The smooth, talented Brandt tries to run the last man Godin, who stretches to make a vital tackle. Atletico break and Correa is fouled by Jedvaj, who is booked.

9.05pm GMT

62 min A nice chipped pass into the area by Kampl is taken beautifully on the turn by Hernandez, who is denied a clear chance by a desperate tackle from Gimenez. Leverkusen have shown a lot of class going forward.

9.03pm GMT

60 min Griezmann sprays a languid, swirling crossfield pass to the indefatigable Vrsaljko, who wins a corner. That leads to a second corner, this time on the left. It’s played short to Correa, who stabs it up in the air and belts a dangerous volleyed cross on the turn that is cleared at the near post.

9.00pm GMT

57 min Griezmann is played through on the right-hand side of the box. He has no support so goes for a right-footed chip that beats Leno and drifts just wide of the far post. That was a lovely effort. For a meaningless game, this has been great.

8.59pm GMT

54 min A chance at the other end for Atletico. Correa beats two players in a tight area and tries to swerve a left-footed daisy cutter into far corner. It curls a couple of yards wide. Had it gone in, it would have almost identical to this goal.

8.57pm GMT

53 min Ach! Another tantalising moment for Leverkusen. Brandt beats four players in a tight area with a lovely piece of skill and then plays a through pass to Volland on the right of the box. He tries to give Hernandez a tap-in at the far post but puts too much on his angled pass and it drifts behind for a goalkick.

8.52pm GMT

49 min Volland, who has put himself about in the retro-masculine style tonight, is a bit fortunate not to be booked for a hack at Saul Niguez.

8.49pm GMT

46 min Peep peep! Atletico begin the second half and have a half-chance after seven seconds. Wendell miscontrolled the ball straight to Griezmann, who dragged a first-time shot wide from 18 yards.

8.48pm GMT

“Hi Rob,” says John Parry. “Just popped into the Atletico supporters” bar opposite my flat in Málaga for a nose, on the way home from my Spanish lesson. Not one single person was looking at the telly. But there are specials on soup and fried anchovies, so it’s no wonder really.”

Ginsters anchovies, I hope.

8.32pm GMT

Peep peep! That was a fun half of football, despite the situation in the tie. Leverkusen had a lot of half-chances, and their keeper Leno made two lovely saves at the other end. See you in 10 minutes to see if Leverkusen can outmiracle Barcelona.

8.29pm GMT

42 min If this was a first-leg match it would be a bit of a cracker. There have been plenty of opportunities at both ends and here’s another for Leverkusen. Kampl dinks an elegant pass over four defenders for Hernandez, whose first-time half-volley on the turn hits Godin and spins behind for a corner. That was a crucial block from Godin, seven yards from his own goal.

8.27pm GMT

41 min Matt Dony sent this email at precisely the moment I posted that Leverkusen video, showing once again that nostalgia is so damn hot right now. Or should it be nostalgia was so damn hot right then? Anyway.

“After spending my late teens exclusively working on musical snobbery, I fell back in love with football in my early 20’s. Early 00’s Champions League was a big part of that, and it’s funny how individual moments stick in your brain. I can’t think of Leverkusen without seeing Gerrard slide past Ballack dummying a shot, before cutting back on his left and spanking one in. I can’t remember exactly what the final score was, but I can see that goal clear as day. Then, a few games later, Leverkusen allowed Zidane to teach us all the true meaning of the word ‘volley’. Magnificent times.”

8.26pm GMT

40 min Leno makes another lovely save. Griezmann played a long pass infield to Koke, who fed it forward to Correa and kept running. Correa played a square return pass with a weight that allowed Koke to smack a low first-time drive towards the bottom corner from 25 yards. Leno got down really smartly to his right to turn it behind for a corner.

8.24pm GMT

38 min The best moment of the match. A beautifully weighted touch from Griezmann allows Correa to make an angled run into the box, away from Jedvaj, before striking a near-post shot that is beautifully tipped round by Leno. That was an exceptional save.

8.23pm GMT

37 min Kampl moves away from Koke and tries a shot from 25 yards. It goes high over the bar. Three points for trying though.

8.21pm GMT

35 min This match is being played on a mezzanine level between friendly and competitive. Hernandez turns smartly on the edge of the box before his attempted pass to Brandt is blocked by Partey.

8.19pm GMT

33 min In lieu of any action in 2017, let’s go back to the beautiful season of 2001-02. Now that was a time for cigarettes and booze.

8.16pm GMT

32 min A precis of the incident in the last five minutes:

8.13pm GMT

27 min At the other end Godin’s headed clearance comes to Baumgartlinger, who loops a volley over the bar from 25 yards. Leverkusen have dominated, though it doesn’t feel like there is anything for Atletico to worry about.

8.10pm GMT

25 min Wendell’s headed clearance comes to Koke, who volleys an awkward dropping ball into orbit.

8.08pm GMT

23 min “Will Fernando Torres get some minutes, as they say, tonight?” says Charles Antaki. “As a story arc, his is a lot more satisfying than many recent Spanish ex-international strikers; yes, David Villa had fun in the MLS, but consider Morientes,or the current pair of Premiership strugglers Negredo and Llorente. A few minutes in a Champions’ League knockout stage isn’t too shabby...”

8.07pm GMT

21 min Leverkusen are creating opportunities. Brandt’s cut back from the left side of the box finds Hernandez, who sweeps a snapshot over the bar from 10 yards. For a finisher of his class that was a decent chance.

8.06pm GMT

20 min If Leverkusen are to do anything here - and as you can probably tell, this flight of fancy comes from sheer boredom on my part - they probably need to be at least 1-0 up at half-time. After that, they can follow the George Graham/Anfield 89 route to success.

8.06pm GMT

8.05pm GMT

17 min “I’m reading your MBM because I’m at work here in Chicago and I have recorded the Monaco/Man City match to watch when I get home,” says Matt Burtz. “Don’t worry about spoiling the first goal in that one though!”

Oof, apologies. I’ll keep quiet about John Stones punching Pep Guardiola straight in his confused coupon.

8.02pm GMT

15 min Chances at both ends. Correa’s shot is blocked by a Leverkusen defender after a gorgeous disguised pass from Carrasco; Leverkusen break and Hernandez plays a simple through ball to Brandt, who delays his shot and is dispossessed by Vrsaljko.

7.59pm GMT

14 min In the nicest possible way, there is absolutely no point to any of this. European football should have a throw-in-the-towel option ahead of the second leg.

7.58pm GMT

12 min “If this tournament is a corollary to the 2016 PDC then I calculate Leverkusen are Alan Norris and will beat Mark Webster’s Atletico tonight,” says Greg Phillips. “It’s not too late to put a fiver on it.”

But will you bet responsibly?

7.57pm GMT

11 min Atletico pass the clock down for a minute or two. Vrsaljko wins a corner after a lovely one-two with the frequently outstanding Koke. The corner is swung out by Koke and headed towards goal by the under pressure Gimenez. It loops up and is easily claimed by Leno.

7.55pm GMT

9 min I suspect you are elsewhere. And if you’re not, you should be: Monaco are 1-0 up against Manchester City.

Related: Monaco v Manchester City: Champions League last 16, second leg – live!

7.51pm GMT

6 min Leverkusen have started very well for a team who are 99.99999 per cent certain to go out. They have had most of the possession and look sharp in attack, especially Bellarabi.

7.50pm GMT

4 min An early chance for Leverkusen. Kampl feeds a good pass into Volland, who turns beautifully just inside the area and drives a low shot just wide of the far post.

7.48pm GMT

3 min The right-winger Bellarabi beats Lucas, promisingly, and then belts a cross straight out of play, not so promisingly.

7.47pm GMT

2 min A quiet start to the match, so here’s some Leverkusen-themed porn for you.

7.45pm GMT

1 min Peep peep! Leverkusen, in black, kick off from right to left. Atletico are wearing the usual.

7.39pm GMT

Tonight’s soundtrack is for an eternal friend.

7.38pm GMT

“A night of celebration for Atletico, you say?” says Matt Dony. “They might even have a Partey on the pitch. I’m here all week. Try the patatas bravas.”

If someone mentions doing the Hokey Koke...

7.27pm GMT

Barcelona 6-1 PSG, Manchester City 5-3 Monaco, Leicester 2-0 Sevilla, Arsenal 2-159 Bayern Munich ... this has been the most eye-widening last-16 stage in any major sport since the 2016 PDC World Championship. If Leverkusen go through tonight, it might even top that.

6.58pm GMT

Atletico Madrid (4-4-2) Oblak; Vrsaljko, Gimenez, Godin, Lucas Hernandez; Saul Niguez, Partey, Koke, Carrasco; Correa, Griezmann.
Substitutes: Moya, Torres, Savic, Cerci, Juanfran, Gaitan, Juan Moreno.

Bayer Leverkusen (4-2-3-1) Leno; Hilbert, Jedvaj, Dragovic, Wendell; Baumgartlinger, Kampl; Bellararbi, Volland, Brandt; Hernandez.
Substitutes: Ozcan, Bailey, Mehmedi, Pohjanpalo, Aranguiz, da Costa, Yurchenko.

10.56am GMT

“There’s nothing that can’t be done,” said Michael McManus, dead-eyed hero of the Usual Suspects. Half an hour later he took a serrated one in the neck from Keyser Soze, proving that some things really can’t be done. Ask Bayer Leverkusen. They need to score at least three goals in Madrid, maybe more, if they are to overturn a 4-2 first-leg defeat. We’re all friends here, so let us speak frankly: this tie is over.

This, then, should be a night of celebration for Atletico, who will reach a fourth consecutive European Cup quarter-final. They are the charismatic, uninvited guests who have crashed crash an era of big-club dominance. They ended Real Madrid and Barcelona’s La Liga duopoly. If they can end their Champions League duopoly as well, especially after losing two finals in such heartbreaking circumstances, it’ll be the greatest achievement since Brian Clough wore a green jumper.

Related: Fernando Torres hands Atlético Madrid control against Bayer Leverkusen

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Liverpool 2-1 Burnley: Premier League – as it happened

Liverpool came from behind to defeat Burnley at Anfield, with Emre Can hammering a tremendous winning goal

6.19pm GMT

Related: Liverpool struggle past Burnley thanks to Emre Can and Lowton’s miss

5.51pm GMT

Winning ugly is not Liverpool’s forte, so this will give them a fair bit of pleasure. They didn’t play well and had to come from behind, with Emre Can’s cracking goal deciding the match. They are now five points clear of fifth-placed Arsenal, though they have played two games more. Burnley were Burnley, admirable but limited. They shouldn’t have any problems staying up, despite their wretched away record. Thanks for your company, night.

5.50pm GMT

90+3 min What a chance for Burnley! Liverpool couldn’t clear a long throw for love nor money. Eventually Keane headed the ball back across goal, and Lowton lobbed it over the bar from six yards. As Gary Neville on Sky, if he had his time again he probably wouldn’t let that bounce. Once it did, he was always going to have trouble getting over the ball.

5.47pm GMT

90+1 min There will be four added minutes. Burnley can’t get the ball.

5.46pm GMT

90 min Burnley make another change: the teenager Daniel Agyei replaces Scott Arfield.

5.46pm GMT

89 min Can gets a lucky rebound and chips a beautiful pass over the defence for Mane, whose rising shot is acrobatically tipped over by Heaton.

5.45pm GMT

88 min Woodburn’s fierce 25-yard shot is blocked. He looks a tremendous prospect.

5.44pm GMT

87 min Liverpool break dangerously but Mane overhits his pass to Woodburn, whose attempted return cross deflects behind off the sliding Ward.

5.41pm GMT

85 min Despite their best efforts, Liverpool’s defence don’t look like conceding an equaliser here. Burnley have had a fair bit of the ball since going behind but they have been pretty impotent, certainly in open play.

5.40pm GMT

82 min “As a Paddy, I’m obviously hoping Robbie Brady does something here for Burnley,” writes Paul Neilan. “Hopefully, he onionbags one because his knee-slides are simply the best in the business.”

Using onionbag is a verb is tremendous, and something I’ll be stealing without shame or appropriate credit.

5.38pm GMT

81 min Vokes nicks the ball off Matip, who does excellently to redeem his initial mistake with a desperate and crucial tackle in the box.

5.37pm GMT

80 min Another long free-kick from Heaton is headed to the edge of the area by Matip and slashed wide on the half-volley by Brady. He had to take it with his right foot rather than his left, which is the main reason he didn’t get it on target.

5.36pm GMT

80 min And now Burnley make another substitution, Sam Vokes for Andre Gray.

5.35pm GMT

79 min Liverpool make a change, with Lucas replacing Divock Origi.

5.34pm GMT

76 min Breaking news: Ben Woodburn has got it. He hasn’t done much of note in this game but everything he has done has demonstrated a mature accomplishment that is beyond 99.94 per cent of 17-year-olds.

5.32pm GMT

75 min Mignolet comes almost to the edge of the area to make another decisive punch from a lofted free-kick. He has been excellent on set-pieces today.

5.29pm GMT

72 min Burnley make a change: Robbie Brady on, George Boyd off.

5.28pm GMT

71 min Woodburn has replaced Coutinho and he replicated him there, zipping infield from the left and whipping a very dangerous inswinging cross that flashed over Origi’s head and just wide of the far post.

5.26pm GMT

69 min Heaton launches a free-kick into the area, where his opposite number Mignolet does really well to punch clear despite being simultaneously fouled by Mee and Keane.

5.25pm GMT

68 min Burnley area having a decent spell in response to going behind. They won’t give up, even in the face of apparently imminent defeat. What the cops never figured out, and what I know now, was that these men would never break, never lie down, never bend over for anybody. Anybody.

5.23pm GMT

67 min “Well, look at my ignint butt,” says Paul Neinan, who wrote an ode to Can after 32 minutes. “The game is gone.”

5.22pm GMT

66 min There have only been three shots on target in the match. Analyse that.

5.20pm GMT

63 min The goalscorer Can is booked for a foul on Barnes. The resulting free-kick almost leads to an instant equaliser for Burnley. It pinballed around the area until Barnes’s close-range shot was desperately blocked by a combination of Klavan and Lallana.

5.19pm GMT

That came from nowhere. Can received a square pass 25 yards from goal, moved the ball into a shooting position with his first touch and hit a perfectly placed low shot. It beat Heaton for pace and flew into the bottom-right corner.

5.17pm GMT

A brilliant goal from Emre Can gives Liverpool the lead.

5.17pm GMT

60 min An interesting change from Jurgen Klopp: Coutinho is replaced by the teenage forward Ben Woodburn.

5.16pm GMT

59 min A beautiful cross from Coutinho causes chaos in the Burnley box, which eventually leads to a corner, and then another corner. Nothing comes of it but these are testing times for Burnley.

5.14pm GMT

58 min Barton is booked for shoving Wijnaldum over just outside the box on the right.

5.14pm GMT

57 min Coutinho has had an unusually poor game, littered with basic errors.

5.12pm GMT

55 min A good counter-attack from Burnley. Barnes peels away to the left to receive Barton’s crossfield pass. He has Gray in the centre but his cross is cleared by Klavan. A few seconds later, Barnes hoofs a volley into orbit from a tight angle.

5.06pm GMT

50 min Liverpool have started the second half better than the first, though they are still a fair way from their liquid best.

5.05pm GMT

48 min “Hi Rob,” says Peter Oh. “Great to see the Dutchman equalise! My young kids and I have taken to calling him Wijnaldinho, given his recent goal-scoring exploits.” I think all 16 of his Premier League goals have been at home, which is a minor statgasm if I ever I felt one.

5.02pm GMT

46 min Peep peep! Liverpool begin the second half, kicking from left to right.

4.52pm GMT

Half-time reading

Related: Kazuyoshi Miura scores at 50 to beat Sir Stanley Matthews’ record

4.51pm GMT

Half-time chit-chat

“I see that Burnley have Tarkowski on the bench,” says Gary Naylor. “I’m guessing that he’s slow, lacking in drive, but a lovely player to watch. Though you might have to go to film school for five years to appreciate him fully.”

4.48pm GMT

Peep peep! That goal completely changes the mood of the match. Burnley were in control for most of the first half but will expect a second-half onslaught now. See you in 10 minutes.

4.46pm GMT

Liverpool equalise on the stroke of half-time. After a very neat passing move, Origi curls in a cross from the left towards Wijnaldum. His flick hits Mee and lands invitingly in front of goal, where Wijnaldum has time to compose himself and force the ball past Heaton.

4.44pm GMT

45 min Ashley Barnes is given a final warning for repeated pain-in-the-arsery.

4.44pm GMT

43 min “Can is, somehow, a live grenade looking to explode,” says Paul Neilan, “yet has all the pace of - Eamon Dunphy’s words about Ian Harte - ‘a loaf of bread with the hand-brake on’.”

4.42pm GMT

42 min Milner’s deep, lofted cross bounces off the shoulder of Origi and wide of goal. He was under pressure from Mee and couldn’t time his jump properly.

4.41pm GMT

41 min “Dear Rob,” says Putera Satria. “I was wondering whether your full first name is ‘Robin’? If yes, then you must be a generous man like Jurgen Klopp, the modern-day Robin Hood who came to the Premiership in a divine, egalitarian mission to collect points from the rich top-six clubs and distribute them to those in need, like Burnley.”

It isn’t, but I do also rob people, especially employers.

4.40pm GMT

40 min Liverpool are having their best spell of the match, though that isn’t saying too much.

4.39pm GMT

39 min “Afternoon Rob,” says Matt Loten. “Is there something to the theory that, even when the first-choice XI is fully fit, Liverpool’s lack of depth is what is holding them back? Though the defence clearly requires surgery, Klopp’s high-intensity gameplan surely can’t be expected to maintain its effectiveness over a whole season without a modicum of rotation. When Mane was missing, that was why Liverpool lost; when Coutinho was injured, that was the key; and now that Firmino is missing, it’s the same story. For me, it’s also down to the fact that this style of play demands depth of squad, regardless of luck with injuries and suspension.”

I still think the defence is the biggest problem. It’s one thing to lose to teams in the bottom half, another to lose with scores like 4-3 and 3-2. But they aren’t far away. At their best they are the most exhilarating team in the country I think, but yes, they need at least four players in the summer given their exisiting inadequacies and increased workload next season.

4.38pm GMT

38 min Liverpool make a dreadful mess of a free-kick 30 yards from goal. Milner plays it short to Wijnaldum, who seems unprepared for the execution of that particular masterplan and hoofs it into orbit.

4.37pm GMT

36 min Mee is booked for a trip on Lallana, who did him with a beautiful piece of skill, an unwitting homage to Fowler on Staunton.

4.33pm GMT

32 min “Good God, Can is a horrible player,” says Rolf Wilhelm. “A lumbering freekick machine who always takes too many touches on the ball.”

4.32pm GMT

31 min Clyne’s cross deflects behind off Mee’s raised arm. Liverpool get a corner rather than a free-kick in a slightly better position. It’s a poor one from Coutinho, easily cleared by Boyd.

4.30pm GMT

28 min “There’s always a slightly seedy, Weimarish atmosphere in casinos - always a guilty pleasure for me,” says Gary Naylor. “Just seen a show at The Hippodrome nicely timed to finish as the match started and now I’m spinning out a coffee waiting to see how long it will be before Klopp rolls the dice. Given a defence best described as “craps”, it might not be long.”

Yes, if they had Henchoz and Hyypia they’d probably win the league.

4.28pm GMT

27 min Barton’s dreadful pass launches a Liverpool attack. Eventually Can’s long-range rattler is kicked away by Keane.

4.26pm GMT

26 min Lowton’s long throw finds its way through to Gray, who rolls Matip before blasting a shot over the bar from a very tight angle.

4.25pm GMT

25 min The corner is played short, to no positive effect whatsoever. Liverpool, who were wonderful against Arsenal last week, are not on their game at all today. The absence of the subtle, underrated Firmino can’t help.

4.24pm GMT

24 min Mane, the liveliest Liverpool attacker by far, wins a free-kick 40 yards from goal. That leads to another corner on the right, which will be taken by Coutinho.

4.21pm GMT

21 min Barnes volleys just wide from Ward’s excellent cross. It wouldn’t have counted as he was offside.

4.21pm GMT

20 min Liverpool win three corners in quick succession on the right. The third is headed clear to the dangerous Gray, whose one-man counter-attack is ended by a deliberate foul from Milner. He should have been booked.

4.18pm GMT

17 min Burnley still look very comfortable. Liverpool often demolish teams in the first half an hour at Anfield but they have been weirdly sluggish so far.

4.14pm GMT

13 min The electric Mane leaves Mee for dead on the right and lofts a cross that is just beyond the head of Origi.

4.12pm GMT

11 min The atmosphere is weirdly flat at Anfield. It was even before the goal.

4.08pm GMT

That was a superb goal. It was made by the right-back Lowton, who received the ball 35 yards from goal in a narrow position. He looked up and curled a wonderful ball around the retreating Liverpool defence. It was missed at the near post by Gray but Barnes stretched with his wrong foot, the right, to stab it past the diving Mignolet.

4.07pm GMT

Ashley Barnes gives Burnley the lead!

4.07pm GMT

7 min Gray makes another excellent run to beat the offside trap. Milner does enough to delay Gray, whose eventual cross is headed clear by Matip.

4.06pm GMT

6 min Gray makes a good run down the right channel and plays a decent ball right across the face of goal. Barnes just couldn’t get there.

4.05pm GMT

5 min Burnley win the first corner of the match. It’s half cleared to Boyd inside the D and he swishes a decent half-volley a few yards over the bar.

4.02pm GMT

2 min The usual fast start from Liverpool. Mane skins Lowton with ease on the left touchline and cuts the ball back towards Coutinho at the near post. The well positioned Keane nips in to make a vital interception.

4.00pm GMT

1 min Burnley kick off from left to right.

3.46pm GMT

FA Cup latest

Spurs have joined Arsenal and Manchester City in the last four. Chelsea or Manchester United will completely the most powerful semi-final line-up in decades. Or since 2009, I’m not sure which.

Related: Tottenham Hotspur v Millwall: FA Cup quarter-final – live!

3.03pm GMT

Liverpool (4-3-3) Mignolet; Clyne, Matip, Klavan, Milner; Can, Wijnaldum, Lallana; Mane, Origi, Coutinho.
Substitutes: Karius, Moreno, Lucas, Woodburn, Wilson, Alexander-Arnold, Gomez.

Burnley (4-4-2) Heaton; Lowton, Keane, Mee, Ward; Boyd, Barton, Hendrick, Arfield; Gray, Barnes.
Substitutes: Vokes, Brady, Westwood, Agyei, Tarkowski, Robinson, Darikwa.

1.38pm GMT

Hello. Liverpool are the rough-track bullies of the Premier League: brilliant against the big teams, not so good against the smaller sides. That unusual pattern was established right at the start of the season: they won their first game 4-3 at Arsenal and followed up with a 2-0 defeat at Burnley.

Burnley, in 12th, are the highest-placed of the five teams to beat Liverpool in the league this season, and this match is Liverpool’s last tricky fixture before two guaranteed wins against Manchester City and Everton. A win would take Liverpool nowhere, as they are stuck in fourth for the time being. If Burnley win away for the first time this season, they will move into the top ten.

Related: Liverpool v Burnley: match preview

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Celtic 1-1 Rangers: Scottish Premiership – as it happened

Clint Hill’s late equaliser ended Celtic’s long winning run in a superb Old Firm derby

1.51pm GMT

That was tremendous entertainment, 90 minutes of football as nature intended. Stuart Armstrong’s brilliant goal gave Celtic the lead, and they looked like extending it for most of the second half. Rangers found a second wind from somewhere, however, and ultimately deserved Clint Hill’s dramatic late equaliser. Thanks for your company, bye.

Related: Rangers’ Clint Hill strikes late to deny Celtic in Old Firm game

1.50pm GMT

Peep peep! Celtic’s winning run is over after a cracking derby.

1.49pm GMT

90+3 min Rangers are camped in their own box. A cross breaks to Griffiths, who lashes the bouncing ball towards goal. It takes a deflection off one defender and is headed clear by Hill on the six-yard line.

1.47pm GMT

90+1 min There will be three minutes of additional mayhem.

1.46pm GMT

90 min Hill makes a vital tackle on Griffiths in the penalty area. Celtic wanted a penalty and you can see why - Hill did get the ball but you could make a good case that he came through Griffiths to do so. I can see both sides!

1.45pm GMT

88 min “By ‘comedy bronze’,” says Mac Millings, “I assume aspiring satirist Ian Copestake is referring to my new President.”

1.45pm GMT

What a moment! Tavernier’s long free-kick was half cleared and came back to him 25 yards from goal. He slipped a fine, straight through pass to Hyndman, who got it out of his feet and struck a swaggering low shot across goal from just inside the box. Gordon made an outstanding save low to his right, but he only could push it further across goal and Clint Hill reacted quickest to shin it gleefully into the net from a few yards.

1.44pm GMT

Rangers have equalised!

1.42pm GMT

86 min “You are depressing me,” says Andrew Orlowicz. “I used to love reading the MBMs. It used to be a great part of weekend mornings but now they suck. You fuck off.”

1.42pm GMT

85 min Dembele almost seals it on the counter-attack. He twisted Wilson inside out on the left of the box and smashed a left-footed shot right across the face of goal from a narrow angle.

1.41pm GMT

85 min Celtic aren’t exactly hanging on but they are sitting uncomfortably on this one-goal lead. Rangers have admirably found a second wind from somewhere.

1.40pm GMT

84 min Another Rangers change; MIchael O’Halloran replaces the tiring Waghorn.

1.38pm GMT

81 min Holt is subbed off before he is sent off. Harry Forrester replaces him.

1.38pm GMT

80 min Holt wins the ball in a dangerous area with a scissor tackle on Roberts, runs into the area and places a curler just wide of the far post. It looked a foul from Holt, and Lustig was booked for protesting.

1.36pm GMT

79 min Waghorn bounces off Boyata and falls over in the penalty area. There are a few shouts for a penalty, though none really from the Rangers players.

1.35pm GMT

77 min Scott Brown (pictured below) is booked for a foul on Waghorn.

1.32pm GMT

76 min “Do we know the names of Mac Millings’ cats?” says Simon McMahon. “My money’s on Harmison, Hoggard, Flintoff and Jones.”

I assumed they were Caddick, Giddins, Mullally and Tufnell.

1.31pm GMT

75 min This is a much better spell for Rangers, who survived an onslaught at 1-0 and still have a chance of ending Celtic’s winning run.

1.30pm GMT

74 min “When Mac emails its like a guest appearance from Matt Berry,” says Ian Copestake. “Comedy bronze.”

1.30pm GMT

73 min Celtic make another substitution: Leigh Griffiths replaces the goalscorer Armstrong.

1.28pm GMT

71 min Gordon makes a great save from Waghorn! Miller chased a lost cause down the left wing and crossed low towards Waghorn, who hooked it first time towards goal from 10 yards. Gordon flew from his line and again blocked it with his legs. Waghorn had been a million miles offside in the first phase of play, which meant he was ahead of the Celtic defenders - but behind Miller and therefore onside - when the cross came in. It was another great chance.

1.27pm GMT

70 min What Rangers would give for somebody like Brian Laudrup or Paul Gascoigne (pictured below) in this situation.

1.25pm GMT

69 min A Celtic change: Patrick Roberts (pictured below) replaces James Forrest.

1.24pm GMT

68 min Armstrong brings a fine diving save from Foderingham with a long-range curler.

1.22pm GMT

65 min Rangers can’t get out of their third, never mind their half. Celtic’s passing has been superb in the last 10 minutes.

1.21pm GMT

64 min “Dear Andrew Orlowicz,” writes Mac Millings. “I don’t have ‘cable’, or ‘satellite’, or ‘friends’, so I don’t watch a lot of modern football. (Yeah, I’m bragging.) I may not be all that weird. I’m not fat, but it’s not for want of sitting, immobile, on my smeary couch, surrounded by nothing but carbohydrates (solid and liquid) and four cats. I’m only fake-lonely (fauxnely, as I the modern parlance has it), as I do have a family, although thankfully they ignore me. I don’t get you, Andrew, or it, or any. But I will tell you this - leave Rob Smyth alone. He is everything I aspire to be. A weird, fat, lonely man.”

1.20pm GMT

63 min Sinclair and Tierney are giving Rangers all sorts of trouble down the left. Another good move from them ends with Tierney’s cut-back being blocked.

1.18pm GMT

61 min Rangers can’t get out at the moment.

1.16pm GMT

59 min Rangers make a change: Barrie McKay is replaced by Josh Windass (pictured below).

1.15pm GMT

58 min Wilson overruns the ball and gives it to Forrest, who scoops it forward to Dembele. He runs at the defence and shoots straight at Foderingham from the edge of the box. Wilson needs to be careful as he’s been booked and he lunged at Forrest in that attack.

1.13pm GMT

56 min Sinclair on the left plays a good reverse pass to Armstong, whose fierce left-footed shot from a tight angle is turned round the far post by the diving Foderingham. Celtic have woken up after a slow start to the half.

1.10pm GMT

54 min Lovely play on the left from Tierney, who nutmegs Tavernier and crosses low to McGregor, who mishits a first-time shot across the box.

1.09pm GMT

52 min Hill is booked for a bodycheck on Dembele. He’s the fourth Rangers player on a yellow card. You can probably work out what happens next.

1.08pm GMT

51 min Rangers have started the second half as they did the first, on the front foot. The next goal is of not inconsiderable importance.

1.05pm GMT

48 min “That link which gives us the skinny on Fitz Hall being in ‘The Fifth Element’ also includes a ‘Knowledge Archive’ question, further down, from a ‘Clinton Mansell’,” says Stephen Hughes. “Is that the renowned composer of film scores for Darren Aronofsky, among others, who’s also the former lead singer from ‘Pop Will Eat Itself’, whose tunes included the very unofficial Italia ‘90 song ‘Touched By The Hand Of Cicciolina’? I’m guessing it is.”

1.04pm GMT

47 min Almost an early chance for Rangers. Waghorn gets the wrong side of Sviatchenko, who misjudged a ball forward from Tavernier, only for the ball to wriggle away from his right foot.

1.03pm GMT

47 min “As an infrequent viewer of Scottish football, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by Neil McCann as a part of Sky’s punditry team,” says Matt Loten. “Coherent, clearly enthusiastic and knowledgeable, he actually does what so few of his peers fail spectacularly to do: offer insight on the match which the rest of us Joe Nobody’s couldn’t have managed ourselves. It’s a bit of a damning indictment on the rest of the ‘profession’ that we have to praise such pundits (Gary Neville setting the gold standard) for simply fulfilling their job description, but the fact is it remains rare, and those that manage it (I’m also partial to Danny Higginbotham) deserve to be highlighted.”

1.02pm GMT

46 min Rangers begin the second half, kicking from left to right.

1.02pm GMT

Celtic have made a half-time change: the injured Nir Bitton is replaced by Callum McGregor.

12.56pm GMT

Half-time fan mail

“Why would you post an email that is essentially some dude bragging about having cable?” says Andrew Orlowicz. “You are so weird.”

12.45pm GMT

Half-time reading

Related: Rangers head into daunting Old Firm match with shaky hands on the tiller

12.45pm GMT

Peep peep! Celtic lead a tight game thanks to a moment of individual brilliance from Stuart Armstrong. See you in 10 minutes for the second half!

12.44pm GMT

44 min “You mentioned ‘one size’ Fitz Hall & did you know he was in The Fifth Element as a teenager?” says Sean Rooney. “I didn’t & I am baffled as to why & how he did. Any idea how he got that gig?”

Really? Crikey, so he was. On that theme, apparently Lady Gaga was in the Sopranos. The flip?

12.42pm GMT

43 min It’s unthinkable for Rangers to concede a second before half-time. They’ve done some good things in this half, and had a great chance to take the lead, but if they go 2-0 down they can forget it.

12.41pm GMT

42 min Armstrong scuffs a shot straight at Foderingham from 25 yards.

12.40pm GMT

41 min Brown plays an impromptu game of keepy-uppy near the touchline. Tavernier is not having that and plays a game of keepy-uppy with Brown. He’s booked.

12.39pm GMT

39 min A lovely move from Celtic brings a half-chance for a second: Brown’s arrowing crossfield pass, Lustig’s header infield, and finally Forrest’s dragged shot that goes well wide of the near post.

12.36pm GMT

The goal came from an error by Holt on the edge of the box. He miskicked an attempted clearance, giving the ball to Armstrong. He played a give-and-go with Forrest and then smashed a low shot from just outside the area that whistled into the corner at the near post. Foderingham had no chance; it was a beautiful left-footed strike with very little backlift.

12.35pm GMT

Celtic lead through a terrific goal!

12.34pm GMT

35 min “G’day from my couch in Mt Helen, Victoria, Oz,” says Alan Clark. “I have beIN on one screen and you on another, so I’ll have things well covered tonight, eh? It is all a bit tighter than I thought it might be, but it’ll still be the hoops by three. Antipodean cheers.”

12.33pm GMT

34 min McKay’s long-range shot is too soft and too straight. An easy save for Gordon.

12.32pm GMT

32 min Wilson is booked for something or other. Tierney’s shot deflects behind for another Celtic corner. It’s cleared, but the pressure is building.

12.31pm GMT

31 min Replays suggest Foderingham may have fingertipped that onto the post. If he did, it’s a seriously good save.

12.30pm GMT

30 min Armstrong’s free-kick hits the post! It went straight through the wall and bounced up to hit the outside of the left post as Foderingham scrambled across his line.

12.29pm GMT

29 min Brown takes care off the covering Holt off the ball, allowing Forrest to run thrillingly at the defence until he is fouled just outside the area by the sliding Wilson. This is a chance...

12.25pm GMT

24 min Gordon makes a vital save from Waghorn! The chance came out of nothing, with a little header through the defence from Kenny Miller. Waghorn, who looked fractionally offside, marched onto it and hit a left-footed shot from 15 yards that was kicked away by the stretching Gordon. That’s an excellent reaction save.

12.23pm GMT

24 min “Afternoon Rob,” says Simon McMahon. “Stuart Armstrong is an excellent player, that much was clear as he racked up 150 appearances for Dundee United after making his debut at 18, and he has really flourished under Brendan Rodgers as a box-to-box, goalscoring midfielder. He’s also not your typical Scottish footballer, having completed a law degree from the OU and openly stated his ambition to further his football development in a European league. More predictably, he was nicknamed ‘Stretch’ at United.”

And there I was thinking Fitz Hall and Kiki Musampa had ushered in an age of decent footballer nicknames.

12.22pm GMT

23 min Rangers should be really happy with this first quarter. They haven’t created anything; more importantly, nor have Celtic. The game still hasn’t fully settled down.

12.20pm GMT

20 min “Regarding doing things once a day that scare us - opening the computer is plenty scary enough for me,” says Gary Naylor.

Ha, yeah. In 2016 and 2017, waking up probably qualifies.

12.19pm GMT

19 min Celtic are starting to threaten. Lustig, on the halfway line, drills a stunning angled pass over the defence for Dembele, who just can’t bring in down in the area.

12.18pm GMT

19 min Gordon’s long free-kick is allowed to bounce through to Dembele, who shoots tamely and straight at Foderingham from 15 yards. That was half a chance.

12.18pm GMT

18 min Waghorn’s first touch is good, his second less so, and that means his third is a foul on Bitton - a bad one too, for which he is booked.

12.17pm GMT

17 min “Not sure if it’s been mentioned before, but Pedro Caixinha used to be the coach of Santos Laguna in the Mexican League,” says Julio Castaneda. “He was very innovative with his tactics for the Mexican League (which isn’t necessarily saying much) and overperformed with the squad he had for several seasons. He also brought in youth to the first team from the academy.”

12.16pm GMT

15 min Holt and particularly Hyndman have started superbly in the centre of midfield for Rangers. There’s a confidence to their play, and they combine to find McKay on the left. His outside-of-the-foot cross bounces awkwardly in front of Miller, who slices his attempted shot. Celtic break at pace and Sinclair beats Hodson on the left of the box but then runs the ball out of play.

12.12pm GMT

12 min Most of the game has taken place in the Celtic half so far. Rangers could really do with scoring while they are on top though, because it’s not going to be like this for 90 minutes.

12.11pm GMT

11 min Clint Hill, aged 92, is penalised for a challenge on Forrest. There’s an admirable latent fury to this game.

12.09pm GMT

8 min Dembele’s clearance hits Tavernier and rebounds back off Dembele for a Rangers corner. Nothing comes of it but Rangers will be happy with this start. Miller then flies in at Armstrong, both feet off the ground, and is a bit lucky that Armstrong evades and then ignores the challenge. Some players would have asked the referee to show a red card for that. Armstrong didn’t react at all.

12.06pm GMT

7 min This has been a decent start from Rangers. Waghorn robs Sviatchenko and wins a free-kick on the right wing. Tavernier made a mess of the last one; this one is better but headed clear at the near post.

12.05pm GMT

5 min Wallace is fouled down the left by Armstrong. Tavernier’s inswinging free-kick is too close to Gordon and easily claimed.

12.02pm GMT

3 min You probably don’t need me to tell you that there is a belting atmosphere at Celtic Park. Celtic, as you’d expect, have started with a relaxed confidence in possession.

12.00pm GMT

1 min Celtic kick off from left to right. They are in green and white hoops; Rangers are in blue.

11.35am GMT

“Regarding doing things once a day that scare us, I asked a woman at the local supermarket here in Frankfurt where the eggs had gone,” says Ian Copestake. “With unconcealed bitterness at being disturbed she wordlessly pointed at the empty shelf. So thanks, Baz, I now have to move cities.”

11.27am GMT

Pre-match nostalgia

11.21am GMT

The new Rangers manager Pedro Caixinha will be at today’s game, though he’ll only be watching from the stands. Graeme Murty will manage the team.

11.20am GMT

What’s Pards got to do, got to do with it?

Everyone's excited for the derby here at Paradise! #COYBIG pic.twitter.com/EiOypWNRgY

11.05am GMT

Celtic (4-3-3) Gordon; Lustig, Boyata, Sviatchenko, Tierney; Brown, Bitton Armstrong; Forrest, Dembele, Sinclair.
Substitutes: De Vries, Simunovic, Griffiths, Gamboa, Roberts, McGregor, Eboue Kouassi.

Rangers (4-4-2) Foderingham; Hodson, Hill, Wilson, Wallace; Tavernier, Hyndman, Holt, McKay; Miller, Waghorn.
Substitutes: Alnwick, Bates, O’Halloran, Forrester, Dodoo, Senderos, Windass.

11.57pm GMT

Morning! In Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen), his feelgood sermon about missing most of life’s opportunities, Baz Luhrmann says we should do one thing each day that scares us. And so today Rangers will head to Celtic Park, fearing an almighty towelling. Few if any of the 400-odd Old Firm derbies have looked as one-sided as this, and some have been looking up Celtic’s record win in this fixture: 7-1, which are coincidentally the odds you can get on a Rangers win.

There is an upside to all this for Rangers. From the dancefloor to the workplace, life is a game of risk and reward. The greater the risk, the greater the potential reward. Just imagine how good Rangers will feel if they beat Celtic today. Even a draw would feel pretty wonderful, especially as it would end Celtic’s run of 22 consecutive league wins.

Related: Rangers head into daunting Old Firm match with shaky hands on the tiller

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Arsenal 5-0 Lincoln City: FA Cup quarter-final – as it happened

Non-league Lincoln played superbly for 45 minutes at the Emirates before Arsenal’s superior class and fitness told in a one-sided second half

7.39pm GMT

Related: Theo Walcott opens floodgates for Arsenal to end Lincoln’s fairytale run

7.27pm GMT

Peep peep! Arsenal ease into the last four of the FA Cup with an ultimately comfortable win. Lincoln’s magical cup campaign is over; they won’t be forgotten in a hurry. They were very good for 45 minutes, before Theo Walcott’s goal inevitably opened the floodgates. Lincoln won’t be going to Wembley but they have achieved something even rarer: they have joined the FA Cup immortals. Thanks for your company, night.

7.23pm GMT

89 min “I’ve been trying to come up with something to say for a while now, and all I can think of is ‘arse’.,” says Phil Sawyer. “At least the FA Cup unexpectedly turned up at work on Thursday, which is the nearest I’ll ever get to it.”

7.21pm GMT

87 min A corner is half cleared to Walcott, who takes it on the chest and volleys a few yards wide. It’s been a battering in the second half, though that shouldn’t obscure how well Lincoln did for the first 45 minutes.

7.19pm GMT

86 min Sanchez cracks a superb free-kick against the bar!

7.18pm GMT

85 min Raggett is booked for a weary hack at Ozil just outside the area.

7.18pm GMT

84 min Ramsey misses a great headed chance from a brilliant driven cross by Ozil. Moments later Perez falls over in the box - “what a joke when you’re 5-0 up,” sniffs Chris Sutton - and then Sanchez’s fierce shot is very well blocked.

7.15pm GMT

81 min “Could anything now happen to allow the TV director to pick out Man With Wenger-Out Placard, who seems to have established Equity appearance rights at all games?” says Charles Antaki. “On Arsenal’s recent form, nothing is completely impossible.”

A sixth Arsenal goal might tip our beloved eejit over the edge. Why couldn’t they score six against Bayern and Liverpool?

7.14pm GMT

80 min Power hits a good curling shot from 25 yards that is well claimed to his left by Cech.

7.13pm GMT

79 min “I love it,” says Andy. “Arsenal have their ‘swagger back’ against a side 1 million leagues below them? It’s an almost embarassing statement.”

This was the definitive can’t-win game for them, wasn’t it.

7.11pm GMT

78 min Lincoln’s last change: Adam Marriott replaces Terry Hawkridge.

7.11pm GMT

77 min “The problem with Xhaka, I would argue, is that he - is - technically good enough to play for a title-winning team,” says Matt Loten. “Energy, vision, range of passing, aggression: he has every attribute you would want from a player in his position. Unfortunately he has no idea how to string them together and apply them properly.”

7.09pm GMT

76 min “What with the habit of footballers and managers covering their mouths when speaking,” says Keith Poliglotus, “I was wondering if anyone had been caught saying something about a fellow professional which they probably shouldn’t have?”

Nothing springs to mind.

7.09pm GMT

It’s getting messy now. Sanchez’s cross deflects to Ramsey, who walks around Farman and literally walks the ball into the net.

7.06pm GMT

A beautiful goal from Alexis Sanchez. He ran at Wood, who missed his tackle completely, and opened his body to place a lovely curling shot into the far corner from 20 yards.

7.04pm GMT

71 min Coquelin is fortunate not to be booked for a studs-up lunge at Hawkridge. Coquelin and Xhaka really aren’t good enough for a team that wants to win the Premier League.

7.02pm GMT

69 min Lincoln are struggling to chase the shadows, never mind the Arsenal players. This is going to be a long 20 minutes for them as Arsenal are in swagger mode now.

7.01pm GMT

68 min Sanchez, on the left wing, picks out a lovely lofted pass to Ozil, who heads over from 12 yards.

7.00pm GMT

67 min “Xhaka off?” says Ian Copestake. “How dare you.”

6.59pm GMT

66 min Lincoln make a change as well: Matt Rhead leaves the scene to be replaced by Joe Ward. Rhead played well in that impressive first-half performance.

6.58pm GMT

65 min An Arsenal change: Lucas Perez replaces Olivier Giroud.

6.56pm GMT

63 min Margetts is booked for an absurd, retro lunge at Gibbs.

6.54pm GMT

61 min An Arsenal change: Xhaka off, Coquelin on.

6.53pm GMT

59 min “Instructions are available for putting the internet back in its box,” high-fives Ian Copestake.

6.52pm GMT

A cruel moment for Luke Waterfall, whose own goal finishes the match. Sanchez played the underlapping Gibbs into the box on the left, and he cut the ball back towards the near post. Waterfall stretched to intercept but in doing so stabbed it past Farman.

6.51pm GMT

57 min All of a sudden the Emirates pitch looks absolutely huge. Lincoln are being pulled all over the place. Ramsey’s flicked shot is deflected out to the edge of the area, where Bellerin nutmegs the sliding Power and then places a shot just wide of the right-hand post.

6.48pm GMT

55 min “Since I’m sure you appreciate the irony of posting “CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE PUT THE EFFING INTERNET BACK IN ITS BOX PLEASE FOR THE LOVE DIGNITY.” on a medium only enable by the internet I’ll content myself with pedantically pointing out the missing OF,” says Julian Borrill. “From a laptop tethered to a phone on the 6:11 from Oban to Glasgow.”

Oh that was the autocorrect and the booze.

6.48pm GMT

54 min A Lincoln substitution: Jonny Margetts replaces Jack Muldoon.

6.47pm GMT

This is a lovely goal. The superb Bellerin plays a one-two in a phonebox with Sanchez to go through on goal. He declines to shoot himself and instead gives the goal to Giroud with a simple cut-back.

6.45pm GMT

51 min Arsenal look much sharper since half-time. If they get a second soon you’d expect this to end maybe 5-0 or 6-0; games of this nature often open up in the second half. For now, Lincoln can still fantasise.

6.43pm GMT

50 min A double chance for Arsenal. Farman makes a terrific save low to his left from Giroud, and then Gibbs heads over from six yards after Walcott lobbed the loose ball back into the box.

6.42pm GMT

49 min Ozil shapes one towards the corner that hits Power and goes behind for a corner. Xhaka drills it flat towards the far post and Rhead heads away.

6.40pm GMT

47 min Arsenal play around Lincoln’s high press until Woodyard ploughs through Gibbs and is booked. “I feel for him,” says the defiantly old-school Chris Sutton of a foul which, alas, was a clear yellow card in the modern game.

6.38pm GMT

46 min Peep peep! Arsenal begin the second half, kicking from right to left.

6.38pm GMT

“I guess thank you for pointing out that Arsenal actually finished second last year, thus qualifying for a Round of 16 exit in the Champions League this year,” says Ted Storer. “I just assumed as an American paying attention to a Guardian MBM I was allowed to use alternative facts in an attempt at humour.”

Alternative bloody facts. Do you ever do that thing where you switch off mentally for a few seconds and then suddenly think WHAT THE EFFING EFFING EFF HAS HAPPENED TO THIS WORLD THERE’S NO WAY BACK IS THERE IT’S BLOODY SOCIAL MEDIA THAT’S THE CAUSE OF ALL THIS IT HAS ALLOWED THE DISCOURSE TO BE SHAPED BY NARCISSISTS AND EEJITS AND PEOPLE WHO FAILED IN LIFE AND ARE NOW MAKING AN EVEN BIGGER HORLICKS OF THEIR SECOND LIFE, THEIR DIGITAL LIFE, BUT THEY ARE BLOODY DRAGGING THE ENTIRE SENTIENT WORLD DOWN TO THEIR LEVEL CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE PUT THE EFFING INTERNET BACK IN ITS BOX PLEASE FOR THE LOVE DIGNITY.

6.32pm GMT

Half-time sing-song

Matt Dony has been busy, for at least eight seconds:

6.27pm GMT

“I love Suarez’s over-the-top theatrics, probably cause it reminds me of his most inspired moment: when he pretended to clutch his tooth in pain after he bit Chiellini,” says Phil Podolsky. “Transposing typical football playacting into the realm of biting shows a talent for invention that’s pretty impressive.”

Yes, the best cheats rely on their instinct.

6.23pm GMT

Half-time reading

Related: Millwall’s Tony Craig: ‘All those scars show the sort of player I am’

6.23pm GMT

Pee peep! Lincoln did a fine defensive job for most of the half, and had a chance to take the lead, but Theo Walcott’s injury-time goal changed the mood of the match and even the scoreline. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

6.19pm GMT

45+3 min This could get nasty now, and not in a nice way. Walcott plays an excellent pass to pick out Ramsey, who smashes into orbit from 14 yards.

6.18pm GMT

An Arsenal corner wasn’t cleared and eventually came back to Walcott, whose sidefooted shot from 10 yards took a decisive deflection off Habergham and ended up in the corner of the net.

6.17pm GMT

Cometh the hour, cometh the man.

6.17pm GMT

45+1 min There will be six minutes of added time. Six minutes! Arsenal almost score in the first of them. Ozil’s inswinging cross is left at the last minute by Raggett and would have sneaked in the far corner without Farman’s desperate fumble round the post.

6.15pm GMT

45 min Bellerin’s cross is only half cleared to Ramsey, who tries to flick a shot into the far corner with the outside of his right foot, and fails.

6.12pm GMT

43 min See 35 mins.

6.12pm GMT

42 min Giroud is down after a clash of heads with both Raggett and Waterfall. That looked especially painful, though he seems to be okay.

6.11pm GMT

41 min A quick recap in case you’ve been asleep for the last two months: Lincoln City are potentially one goal away from the FA Cup semi-finals at Wembley.

6.10pm GMT

39 min Lincoln have wasted two or three free-kicks by being caught offside, usually Rhead. That’s really wasteful as those set-pieces are their best chance of a goal.

6.09pm GMT

38 min The greatest surprise is not that it’s 0-0, but that 0-0 is a fair score. Farman has only had one significant save to make. The Arsenal crowd, and the Arsenal players, are just starting to go into brat mode. They could use a goal before half-time.

6.08pm GMT

37 min There has been some clumsy defending from Arsenal, and now Koscielny has been booked for a foul on Muldoon. I’m not sure he did much wrong that time, mind.

6.07pm GMT

36 min “I think the last time a hairstyle like Rhead’s was seen on national TV was when Ralph Coates was in his pomp,” says Charles Antaki. “But Coates had a terrible time in London, so, y’know, not the best precedent.”

6.06pm GMT

35 min It’s still 0-0.

6.05pm GMT

34 min Sanchez’s low ball into the box is collected on the run by Walcott, whose left-footed shot is deflected straight through to Farman.

6.04pm GMT

33 min “Arsenal’s second place last year is used as a stick to beat them with, as “if they can’t win when everyone else is crap, then when will they win?” is the established narrative,” says Graeme Thorn. “Firstly, this attitude is extremely patronising to Leicester who genuinely had an excellent season, and secondly, why didn’t Chelsea or Manchester United or Manchester City or Spurs or Liverpool last season win it if the competition was that poor?”

Indeed. This is the problem with turning sport into a soap opera: people then want melodrama rather than stability. It’s a greater achievement to finish 11th and then 2nd than it is to finish 3rd and 2nd.

6.01pm GMT

31 min Rhead is receiving treatment after an accidental elbow from Koscielny. He has been down for a couple of minutes now.

6.00pm GMT

28 min Lincoln almost take the lead! Arnold plays a give-and-go with Woodyard on the right and then makes a beeline for goal. Koscielny comes across but Arnold slips inside him and places a lofted shot across goal that is palmed behind by the diving Cech. That was a lovely piece of play. He was slightly off balance as he hit the shot, though it would still have gone in without Cech’s touch.

5.57pm GMT

27 min An Arsenal substitution: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, presumably injured, is replaced by Mesut Ozil.

5.57pm GMT

26 min Bellerin has been Arsenal’s best attacker so far. He is such a good player. Lincoln do look pretty comfortable in open play, however. Most of the problems have been from Arsenal corners.

5.56pm GMT

25 min “Good to be seeing a domestic replay of the classic Barcelona-PSG match,” says Charles Antaki. “Lincoln doing a fair impersonation of Barça so far, just minus the goal (leaving aside irrelevancies like skill etc, also diving).”

The omerta over Barcelona’s win-at-all-costs-to-dignity approach was a bit weird. It was an amazing win but should have an asterisk against it because of the extent of their cheating and a refereeing ineptitude that verged on the suspicious.

5.54pm GMT

24 min After another Arsenal attack falls down, Xhaka is booked for an inept lunge at Rhead.

5.53pm GMT

23 min “As much as it goes against all my natural inclinations, I really want Arsenal to win,” says Matt Dony. “Or rather, I need Arsenal to win, for the sake of my job. One of my colleagues is a big Arsenal fan. After the Liverpool game, I obviously gave him the requisite amount of Top Bantz, then there was the Bayern Capitulation (the most entertaining film in the Matt Damon franchise) which left him teetering on the edge. A loss today, and I probably won’t see him again.”

I’d be careful with that banter.

5.52pm GMT

22 min Arsenal have an extended spell of possession. Eventually the ball is fed into Giroud, who is muscled off it.

5.51pm GMT

20 min “Hey Rob,” says JR in Illinois. “I follow football pretty closely so you can imagine my surprise to see that Gareth Southgate is on the touchline and managing for Lincoln City. But seriously, people must have mentioned this before, yes? It somehow had escaped me until now.”

That’s blatant beardism. You people make me sick.

5.51pm GMT

19 min Mustafi is penalised for pushing Rhead, who has started this game excellently. He’s a smart player who knows exactly where, when and how to throw his weight around. Lincoln try the old fake misunderstanding, Aberdeen-Bayern free-kick: it’s headed clear nonetheless.

5.49pm GMT

18 min Though Lincoln are under pressure, they are not camped in their own box by any means. This has been a very good start for them.

5.49pm GMT

5.47pm GMT

15 min “Lincoln has not one but three Wetherspoons within easy walking distance of the high street,” says Phil Sawyer. “Make of that what you will.”

What are the house prices like? Asking for a friend.

5.46pm GMT

13 min Walcott hits the post! A corner was played short to Gibbs and lofted towards the far post. It was headed it clear to Walcott, who hit a rasping volley from 18 yards that the diving Farman just managed to touch onto the post.

5.44pm GMT

12 min Arsenal have started to warm up after a sluggish start, and the game has assumed the expected pattern: attack and defence, invasion and repulsion, just like when Nick Hornby was a teenage boy.

5.43pm GMT

11 min “Your typos at six minutes aren’t because of a sneaky tipple,” says Ted Storer. “It’s autocorrect. Which is what Arsenal fans should be complaining about as the club has been on an autocorrect to third or fourth place for years.

Again, I wish I could blame autocorrect. Also, Arsenal finished second last year. I know that doesn’t change the overall picture but it’s interesting how that has been airbrushed out of history.

5.41pm GMT

10 min Arsenal miss the first good chance of the match. Oxlade-Chamberlain sprays a beautiful crossfield pass to Bellerin, who takes it down and then picks out Ramsey on the edge of the box. He takes the shot first time and places it a few yards wide of the near post.

5.38pm GMT

8 min Lincoln are pressing so high up the field. They surely can’t do this for 90 minutes but at the moment it is working extremely well.

5.38pm GMT

7 min Lincoln have had 62 per cent of the possession so far. I wish we were doing a companion liveblog from Lincoln Wetherspoons, assuming there is a Lincoln Wetherspoons.

5.37pm GMT

6 min “‘They’re team’; ‘every seen’ - you sure you haven’t been at the Cup Fever yourself, Rob?” hics Matt Loten. “Surely it’s a bad sign if the typos are out in force before the match has even kicked off! Not that I could blame you for having a sneaky tipple, what with having to work on a Saturday night, we used to have the odd sly snifter when I worked weekends in the pub trade.”

If only I could blame it on booze.

5.35pm GMT

5 min Arsenal haven’t really got going as yet. It’s not an exaggeration to say Lincoln have been the better side and have won the first of the 18 five-minute segments.

5.34pm GMT

3 min Matt Rhead, the Lincoln centre-forward and Joey Barton’s nemesis, is already putting himself about and has just landed a stiff arm in Mustafi’s face while jumping for a high ball. He is an inspiration.

5.33pm GMT

2 min It’s been a fine start from Lincoln, who are pressing high up the pitch, and Muldoon almost wriggles through Koscielny on the edge of the box.

5.32pm GMT

1 min Lincoln win a free-kick on the right wing after 15 seconds. Habergham lofts it into the box, and the referee Anthony Taylor blows for a free-kick against Lincoln. Why’s he gotta be so cold?

5.31pm GMT

1 min Lincoln kick off from right to left. They are in green; a strong Arsenal XI are wearing red.

5.30pm GMT

The Lincoln manager Danny Cowley smiles as he gives all his players a hug on the pitch. Even if he lives to the age of 172, he’ll experience nothing like this. Hasn’t had a shave though.

5.16pm GMT

An email! “Here in Plucky Little Lincoln, it’s fair to say cup fever has reached, erm, fever pitch,” says Phil Sawyer. “In fact walking down the high street earlier it appeared that quite a few of the locals had had a pint or two of Cup Fever early doors. No matter how the result goes, I fear there are going to be a fair few Lincolnites feeling tired and emotional by the end of the evening.”

Imagine if they win. There will be some of the happiest 2am drunken brawls ever seen.

4.59pm GMT

Some pre-match reading

Related: ‘Nine thousand Lincoln fans at Arsenal is going to be unreal’

Related: Lincoln City line up Arsenal Impvasion for one more shock in golden FA Cup run

Related: Lincoln’s Danny Cowley: ‘We have one-in-1,000 chance at Arsenal but we can do it’

4.42pm GMT

Arsenal (4-2-3-1) Cech; Bellerin, Mustafi, Koscielny, Gibbs; Ramsey, Xhaka; Walcott, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Sanchez; Giroud.
Substitutes: Martinez, Gabriel, Monreal, Coquelin, Iwobi, Ozil, Lucas.

Lincoln (4-4-2) Farman; Wood, Waterfall, Raggett, Habergham; Arnold, Woodyard, Power, Hawkridge; Muldoon, Rhead.
Substitutes: Marriott, Margetts, McMenemy, McCombe, Calder, Ward, Etheridge.

11.31am GMT

Hello. One set of supporters arrive at the Emirates today in a foul mood. They know their team are going to win. The other group of fans are in a grand old mood; they know their team are likely to get stuffed. That’s the slightly odd backdrop to Arsenal’s quarter-final at home to non-league Lincoln City.

Lincoln can’t lose today. This isn’t a contest so much as a reward for their giant-killing, a football spa day at one of the biggest grounds in Britain. But if they do win, and reach the semi-finals, there won’t be enough exclamation marks in the world.

Continue reading...

Middlesbrough 0-2 Manchester City: FA Cup quarter-final – as it happened

David Silva and Sergio Aguero scored to give a slick City an easy victory over a toothless Middlesbrough

2.08pm GMT

Peep peep! City ease into the semi-finals with a quietly emphatic victory over Middlesbrough. David Silva’s early goal pretty much decided the match; Sergio Aguero’s second-half goal confirmed it was all over. Thanks for your company, bye.

Related: Manchester City and David Silva catch Middlesbrough cold to reach semi

2.07pm GMT

90+2 min “Surely Clayton should get a retrospective for the stamp on Sterling!!” says Bill.

It depends on how much media coverage it gets. These things are rarely decided on merit.

2.06pm GMT

90+1 min City’s final change. Sergio Aguero, who killed this game with that excellent second goal, is replaced by Kelechi Iheanacho.

2.05pm GMT

89 min This will be City’s sixth consecutive clean sheet away from home. They still aren’t exactly watertight, but it is progress.

2.01pm GMT

87 min Another change for City: Fernando replaces Yaya Toure.

2.00pm GMT

87 min “Saying the Ethiad has sold out also has more than one meaning,” says Ian Copestake.

2.00pm GMT

86 min “Before we all pack up and go home, can we stop and appreciate the job that Kevin De Bruyne has done today?” says Matt Loten. “Aguero, Sane, Silva and Sterling have played brilliant Pep-ball up top, but De Bruyne has been sublime in a much deeper role than usual, picking up the ball in front of the back four and initiating play. I think after his whirlwind reintroduction to English football last season, he’s been a little forgotten about this year, but whilst he’s not getting the assists or goals that he was, he’s making this side tick in his own way.”

Yes he’s a glorious and very selfless player. There’s nobody with his range of skills in the league. He’s the closest Guardiola will have to an Iniesta at City.

1.59pm GMT

84 min “How’s Fabio playing?” says Arjun Kallapur. “Is he still the lazy defender from Man United?”

He’s played pretty well I think, but I watch football through DaSilva-tinted spectacles.

1.58pm GMT

83 min De Roon is booked for repeat offending.

1.57pm GMT

82 min City have played some glorious football today. De Bruyne runs down the right and curls a ridiculously good cross around the defence and towards the far post, where the stretching Nolito just can’t reach it.

1.57pm GMT

81 min Earlier on, I missed a shocking tackle from Clayton on Sterling. He wasn’t booked but might have been sent off, looking at the replays.

1.56pm GMT

80 min Sterling hares into the area and hits a low left-footed shot that brings another really smart save from Guzan. He and Gibson have played brilliantly in the face of certain defeat.

1.54pm GMT

78 min “The Etihad is sold out every match,” says J. A. Hopkin. “The Stoke fixture was a re-arranged match at short notice due to cup progression, and also on TV, hence the low turnout.”

‘Lacking’ has more than one meaning in this context.

1.53pm GMT

77 min Stones clears off the line! The chance came from a quite scintillating run down the right by Traore. This time he got the cross right too, standing it up beyond the far post. Negredo stretched to head down towards the penalty spot, where Fabio arrived late to head the bouncing ball towards goal. Bravo got hands to it but it would have gone into the corner but for Stones’ clearance.

1.51pm GMT

76 min Nolito’s fringe bounces down the left wing before his right foot plays a good through pass to Silva. His cross is cleared by the quietly heroic Gibson.

1.50pm GMT

75 min City’s home support is sometimes a bit lacking but their away fans have been great today. The game has been played in a belting atmosphere.

1.50pm GMT

74 min “Hey Rob,” says JR. “Philosophical question here. Can any game truly be declared over with Bravo in goal? He stinks.”

Poor bloke, his confidence is through the floor. He’s better than this, but I’m not sure we’ll see it in a City shirt. It’ll be interesting to see if Guardiola, who is stubborn and proud, cuts his losses in the summer or hopes the Pires Principle will apply to Bravo in his second season.

1.48pm GMT

73 min Mike Dean inexplicably misses the chance to give a penalty when Stones is tripped by the unsighted Gibson. Moments later, Silva’s shot hits Gibson and deflects into the groin of Guzan, who had already dived the other way. City could have scored eight today.

1.47pm GMT

71 min City have a goal disallowed. Guzan fumbles Aguero’s long-range shot to Sterling, who taps in from four yards before realising he has given offside. Replays show it was an extremely tight decision that could have gone either way.

1.46pm GMT

70 min Ramirez slithers through the City defence from nowhere. Bravo comes out, slides in and kicks the ball out for a throw-in. Who needs hands?

1.44pm GMT

70 min City’s SAS front three have just been too good for Boro. Sane is growing into a delightful footballer, and his importance is shown by the fact that he is going off with Monaco in mind. Nolito replaces him.

1.43pm GMT

Guzan couldn’t deny City forever, and now the game is over. It’s a classic striker’s goal. Sane breaks down the left and crosses early towards the near post, where Aguero gets in front of Fabio to guide the ball past Guzan.

1.41pm GMT

66 min A Boro change: Leadbitter is replaced by the talented if not entirely popular forward Gaston Ramirez.

1.40pm GMT

65 min The corner is half cleared to Sane, who receives a return pass from Silva and cracks a dipping 25-yard shot that is palmed behind again by the diving Guzan. It was a good rather than an excellent save, but they all count in the Opta stats.

1.39pm GMT

64 min Guzan is having a fine game and this is another excellent save. Silva’s low angled shot from 18 yards went through the legs of a defender and was arrowing towards the far corner until Guzan got down to his left to fingertip it behind.

1.37pm GMT

61 min A long spell of City possession almost brings a second. Eventually Silva plays a good square pass from the left to Sane, who swerves beautifully away from Barragan and hits a close-range shot from a tight angle that is kicked behind for a corner by Guzan.

1.34pm GMT

59 min De Roon has a go at Otamendi for making the most of a challenge, and both are spoken to by the referee. Boro’s best chance might be to introduce some needle to the game.

1.34pm GMT

56 min The longer it stays 1-0, the more you wonder if something absurd is going to happen.

1.29pm GMT

52 min Zabaleta’s shot from the edge of the wide takes a deflection and spins wide.

1.27pm GMT

51 min Aguero hits the post! City broke smoothly down the right, where Sterling - offside but not given - guided a low cross towards the near post. Aguero’s movement was too much for Fry and he clipped a first-time shot that was magnificently deflected onto the post by the right foot of Guzan.

1.25pm GMT

50 min Bernardo is coming off, to be replaced by the teenager Dael Fry. Godspeed, kid.

1.25pm GMT

49 min Silva almost scores an identical goal to the one at the start of the first half. A clip over the top from Toure, a volleyed cross on the run (this time from De Bruyne rather than Zabaleta), a touch from Sterling and finally a right-footed shot over the bar from Silva. That was so similar to the goal as to be almost weird.

1.23pm GMT

48 min Bernardo is moving very gingerly and doesn’t look like he’ll last long.

1.21pm GMT

46 min Peep peep! City begin the second half, kicking from right to left.

1.05pm GMT

Half-time viewing

Related: FA Cup photo essay – Middlesbrough v Oxford United in the fifth round

1.04pm GMT

Peep peep! City have been in control and deserve to lead, though Boro have had their moments going forward. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

1.04pm GMT

45+3 min Now Traore is booked for kicking Otamendi.

1.03pm GMT

45+1 min Leadbitter gets a final warning from Sheriff Dean after a foul on Toure.

1.01pm GMT

44 min Sane gives the ball away in a dangerous area to Leadbitter, whose through pass to Negredo is crucially intercepted by the stretching Stones. Seconds later, Leadbitter is finally booked, this time for a foul on De Bruyne.

12.59pm GMT

43 min “Narratives aside, can anyone explain what has happened to Negredo since that phenomenal half-season at City?” asks Matt Loten. “Not so much his lack of goals - Messi would struggle to reach double figures in ‘Boro’s defensive setup - but the fact that he’s there at all. His goal return at Sevilla and City was top-notch, and he’s got a goal every other game for Spain. If you’d told me in January 2014 that he’d end up as backup striker in a relegation-bound team which couldn’t buy a goal, I’d have spat out my tea and eaten my hat, simultaneously. “

12.59pm GMT

42 min Sane has a goal rightly disallowed for offside against Silva in the build-up.

12.58pm GMT

41 min Toure misses a good chance, nutting the ball wide at the near post from De Bruyne’s inswinging free-kick. In fact he mistimed his flicked header and it came off his shoulder, which is why it bulleted past the bear post.

12.57pm GMT

39 min “Bloody virtuous non-drinking sports journos,” sniffs Ian Copestake.

12.55pm GMT

38 min City break and Silva’s deflected shot almost wrongfoots Guzan. In the end he has time to adjust his feet and dive lovingly on the ball.

12.54pm GMT

37 min A good move at the other end from Boro. Traore finds De Roon, who launches an excellent cross towards the penalty spot. Zabaleta slips and that allows Stuani to get in front of him. He connects well with his header but it’s far too close to Bravo, who saves comfortably. That was a decent chance.

12.52pm GMT

34 min Sane almost makes up for his miss with a mesmeric zig-zag through the defence on the left of the box. He gets to the byline and cuts the ball back towards Sterling in the six-yard box; he would have had a tap-in but for some great defending by Gibson.

12.51pm GMT

33 min Sane misses a great chance! City. Sterling plays a good little pass to Silva, who moves into the area from the right and passes the ball across the face of goal. It deflects off somebody at the near post and breaks towards De Bruyne, who is dened by an excellent block from Fabio. Moments later, Sane miskicks from six yards! It was a sitter, with his right foot from a low cross by Sterling, but he scuffed it and Guzan made a comfortable save.

12.45pm GMT

28 min Boro have done pretty well to stay in this game, because the first few minutes were extremely ominous. They still need to score a goal but that doesn’t look quite so high concept as it did 20 minutes ago.

12.43pm GMT

26 min Alvaro Negredo, once of Manchester City, replaces Gestede. This, says Peter Drury on BT, “freshens up the narrative”. I like Peter Drury but bloody effing mothereffing sporting narratives need to go straight into Room 101.

12.42pm GMT

25 min Gestede is injured and needs to come off. I’m not sure what happened but the physio is currently pressing down on his backside. That’s a shame for Gestede as he was looking lively.

12.41pm GMT

24 min Leadbitter makes an excellent sliding tackle in his own area to stop Sterling getting a shot away. It’s the queue for a five-second free-for-all, with seven or eight players trying to get hold of the ball, until Boro manage to clear.

12.40pm GMT

23 min You’ll probably take a drink tonight, won’t you? Well I won’t, because I am virtuous. If you’d like to sponsor my virtue, you can do it here.

12.39pm GMT

22 min Fabio wins a corner for Boro, and they almost equalise! Leadbitter’s inswinger from the left is won by Gestede, who flicks a header towards goal from six yards. Bravo fumbles it and Zabaleta hoofs it off the line. The ball comes back to Leadbitter, who dumps it back into the box, and this time Gestede heads onto the roof of the net.

12.37pm GMT

19 min De Bruyne plays a loose pass in front of the back four to Stuani, who collects the ball and then literally leaves it behind him as he runs determinedly towards goal. I know Boro’s attackers don’t see a lot of the ball but they should at least be able to remember what they are supposed to do with it. You can’t just run yourself into the net and claim a goal.

12.34pm GMT

17 min Barragan is booked for taking a shortcut through Sane.

12.33pm GMT

16 min City almost make it 2-0. De Bruyne plays a lovely angled through pass for Sane, who scorches away from Barragan and into the box. He has Aguero at the far post and gets caught in two minds as a result, hitting a cross-cum-shot that drifts well wide of the far post.

12.31pm GMT

14 min Traore beats Toure with ease down the right, then wafts a cross straight out of play. A microcosm of his career so far.

12.25pm GMT

9 min Aguero is still limping after that kick from Leadbitter. That’s a bit ominous for City, with the trip to Monaco on Wednesday in mind. It was a bad tackle.

12.24pm GMT

8 min Guzan launches a long kick to the hulking Gestede, who wins it easily in the air and flicks it on. Traore scoots beyond the defence but Bravo gets to the ball first. As Steve McManaman says on BT Sport, that’s a tactic Boro should use today - Gestede will win everything in the air and Traore’s pace is like something from a cartoon.

12.23pm GMT

7 min “Rob,” says Alex Chance, “you’re telling me putting one’s pants on before one’s socks is old-fashioned?? I need to get out more...”

There’s all kinds of deviancy these days. Some people don’t put their pants on at all.

12.22pm GMT

6 min Leadbitter takes his frustration out on Aguero’s left leg and is lucky not to be booked.

12.20pm GMT

That was an almost offensively easy goal. Toure lofted a golf shot over the defence for the overlapping Zabaleta, who cushioned a first-time volley across the line of the six-yard box. Sterling mishit it but Silva was waiting behind him to rattle the ball through Guzan from six yards. Boro normally defend a lot better than that. I normally defend a lot better than that.

12.19pm GMT

Well that’s this game done. Thanks for your emails, bye!

12.16pm GMT

1 min Peep peep! Boro, in red, kick off from right to left. City are in sky blue.

12.12pm GMT

“Ha!” says Ian Copestake. “Relevant emoji of some sort indicating profound appreciation.”

Bloody profound appreciators.

12.11pm GMT

“Morning Rob,” says Matt Loten. “What does Aitor Karanka have over Steve Gibson to ensure that he remains the most bafflingly unsacked manager in the country? Now, in normal circumstances, I’d say he was doing a half-decent job: he’s kept ‘Boro out of the relegation zone for much of the season, and an FA Cup quarter-final shouldn’t be sniffed at (though it is). However, he seems an incredibly divisive and high-maintenance figure to have at the helm when trying to rally the troops for one final push, the style of football he insists upon is soporific at best, and his transfers are questionable. £12m on Bamford and Gestede; £12m on De Roon? Valdes on a free transfer was a decent coup, and £7m could be a bargain for Traore if he one day completes a successful cross, but by and large it’s not been a great return on nearly £50m since the summer. Perhaps I’m being very harsh and my judgement is clouded because I don’t think he seems a particularly likeable guy, but then neither’s Mourinho and I don’t begrudge him a single trophy, because he’s actually quite good at his job.”

Unless the circumstances are exceptional, I’d always give a promoted manager at least one full season. I bloody hate when managers overachieve by getting an average team promoted to the Premier League and are then get sacked by Christmas because of unrealistic expectations. You make a good case for getting rid of Karanka, and I don’t know the club as well as you, but as a general principle I’d be against sacking him. I think I’m quite old-fashioned though: I like to listen to albums in running order, and I still put my pants on before my socks.

12.05pm GMT

An email! “Gadzooks!” says Ian Copestake. “You should utter a cry of “gardyloo” before unloading such invective on the shiny pate of Dean, he of the puissant peninsula of Wirral. How dare you be so swoopstake!”

Bloody Guardian readers.

11.25am GMT

Middlesbrough (4-3-3) Guzan; Barragan, Bernardo, Gibson, Fabio; De Roon, Clayton, Leadbitter; Traore, Gestede, Stuani.
Substitutes: Valdes, Husband, Fry, Forshaw, Fischer, Ramirez, Negredo.

Manchester City (4-2-3-1) Bravo; Zabaleta, Stones, Otamendi, Clichy; Toure; Sterling, De Bruyne, Silva, Sane; Aguero.
Substitutes: Caballero, Fernando, Nolito, Kolarov, Delph, Fernandinho, Iheanacho.

11.23am GMT

Two Premier League sides meet in the first FA Cup quarter-final, yet there is still scope for a giant-killing. The difference between Middlesbrough and Manchester City, in everything from resources to current form, is so pronounced that it would be a big shock if Boro went through today.

Not least because they would have to score a goal to do so.

The good news is that they don’t necessarily have to score a goal to get through: the new regulations mean that the match will be decided today, on penalties if necessary, and Middlesbrough’s outstanding defence – arguably the best in the division – are at least capable of keeping their sheet clean for 120 minutes. If the game does go to extra-time, both teams will also have the option of using a fourth substitute. Mind you, with Mike Dean as referee this could to go a penalty shoot-out without recourse to extra-time.

Related: Middlesbrough tensions on back burner after Aitor Karanka clears the air

Continue reading...

West Indies v England: second ODI – as it happened

Superb innings under pressure, from Joe Root and Chris Woakes, see England home from an unexpectedly difficult position; they now hold an unassailable 2-0 lead in the three-match series

9.02pm GMT

So, that’s that then - England win the series, which will play to a finish in Barbados on Thursday. See youse then!

8.58pm GMT

West Indies were unlucky that Shannon Gabriel got injured, but however you look at things, they got nowhere near enough runs. And when that happens, the fielding needs to spot-on, which it wasn’t, and an attack with no part-timers is required, which there also wasn’t.

8.57pm GMT

Root nudges to point, there’s a misfield, and that’s that! What a brilliant partnership this has been, 102 runs in total, with Root ending on 90 and Woakes on 68.

8.56pm GMT

48th over: England 225-6 (Root 89, Woakes 68) Four dots from Holder, then Woakes spots a slower ball and humps it over the top for six - that’s the hundred partnership, and the scores are level. But Holder isn’t letting this go, following Woakes as he moves to leg and burning one at his body! Lovely stuff! England require 1 off 12 balls.

8.50pm GMT

47th over: England 219-6 (Root 89, Woakes 62) Single to Root, then Woakes tries to lift a long-hop over the top - it sits up and pleads for maltreatment 0 but leaning back, he toe-ends it, only doe Holder to put him down at mid-off. That was very naughty indeed. England then add three more, and it’s nearly time; if Root hits two sixes, is that a ton? England require 7 from 18 balls.

8.46pm GMT

46th over: England 213-6 (Root 87, Woakes 58) Holder returns, and this match is now ambling to a finish; if Root can whack the runs required, he’ll have a century - and he’ll also have strike. England require 13 from 24 balls.

8.42pm GMT

45th over: England 212-6 (Root 86, Woakes 58) Four singles from Brathwaite’s over; West Indies just didn’t have the bowling once the two frontline spinners were done. And even then, they missed some chances, Powell’s catch and the run out in particular. England require 14 from 30 balls.

8.39pm GMT

44th over: England 208-6 (Root 84, Woakes 56) Carter fractionally overpitches, so Woakes panels him through extra cover - I don’t think Root has hit a boundary since he came in, nor has he needed to. On the one hand, they’ve batted brilliantly; on the other, with no scoreboard pressure, it’s been relatively easy for them to. England require 18 from 36 balls.

8.35pm GMT

43rd over: England 202-6 (Root 83, Woakes 51) Kraigg Brathwaite continues, and Root nudges a single, then Woakes leans back and cuts the two which brings up an iron-stoned fifty. I say iron-stoned, but he only from my own pathetic perspective - he has looked amazingly calm throughout, the mortifyingly handsome, personable and talented so-and-so. He adds a single, Root does likewise, and this has been a lot of fun. England require 24 from 42 balls.

8.30pm GMT

42nd over: England 197-6 (Root 81, Woakes 48) Holder opts to slow things down, introducing Carter, whom Woakes immediately runs down to third man. Root then nabs a single of his own - this has been one of the best low-key innings I’ve ever seen - and a further single each takes England into the 20s. This is pretty much done. England require 29 from 48 balls.

8.26pm GMT

41st over: England 193-6 (Root 79, Woakes 46) Here comes the powerplay; England take three from the over, and could probably now wear another wicket. England require 33 from 54 balls.

8.25pm GMT

40th over: England 189-6 (Root 77, Woakes 44) Single to Root, then Brathwaite tries a cutter, donating far too much width - Woakes doesn’t wait to be asked twice, thrashing it through point for four. This is superb behaviour from him - completely calm, rational batting, hitting that which needs to be hit, not getting out otherwise, and he’s not far off guiding his team home. But then he pulls to long-on, gets through the shot too quickly, and Powell, on for Gabriel, is well-placed to snaffle! But running around the fence, he can’t quite bring it in, letting it burst his hands and falling onto his fizog in the process! That might be West Indies’ last chance, as they run two; this partnership is now 66, of which Woakes has scored 44. What a player he now is; why, it’s almost as if the selectors know more about cricket than livebloggers! England require 37 from 60 balls.

8.19pm GMT

39th over: England 180-6 (Root 75, Woakes 37) Now Kraigg Brathwaite is given a go, and Woakes has a look then lifts his third ball over midwicket for one. Root then knocks the final one to midwicket for a further single, and West Indies badly need a wicket. England require 46 from 66 balls.

8.15pm GMT

38th over: England 178-6 (Root 74, Woakes 36) Carlos Brathwaite into the attack, and Root eases him to third man, before Woakes picks out the man at point when he tries a cut. But he doesn’t miss out next ball! Oh yes! A pitched-up delivery doesn’t have the pace to do anything but sit up to be clouted, so clouted it is, all the way over the fence! And then a slice for two makes that an excellent over for England, ten from it. England require 48 from 72 balls.

8.10pm GMT

37th over: England 168-6 (Root 73, Woakes 27) Mohammed continues and England calmly take three - one to Root, two to Woakes. West Indies haven’t yet run out of time, but they’re not far. England require 58 from 78 balls.

8.08pm GMT

36th over: England 165-6 (Root 72, Woakes 25) Holder charges in and Root pokes him to third man - Woakes isn’t necessarily up for a single, but runs one anyway, and it’s comfortable. But he’s nearly left rueing his agreeableness - now there’s a lesson for us all - when he under-edges a pull, his pads saving him from playing on. Next ball, he canes for four to midwicket, and then after they hustle a single and decide there’s another run on, Lewis is left with a shot - if he hits, Woakes is done for, but he misses! England require 61 from 84 balls.

8.03pm GMT

35th over: England 158-6 (Root 71, Woakes 19) After drinks - and heaven knows, I need one - Root nurdles a single to leg, then Woakes adds one down the ground. And what’s this! Root tries a cut, the same shot that’s got out three of his mates, but misses by the width of a bumfluff beard. He then bunts a single into the off side, and experiences relief - if West Indies can get him, that will probably be it. England require 68 from 90 balls.

7.57pm GMT

34th over: England 155-6 (Root 69, Woakes 18) Woakes pulls two to square leg off Holder’s second ball, and England are just easing free again, now that Bishoo and Nurse are gone. the fifth delivery sneaks past the outside edge, but then - or and then, depending on you read the situation - Woakes then wafts the next delivery just over mid-off. This is brilliantly tense stuff. England require 71 from 96 balls.

7.52pm GMT

33rd over: England 151-6 (Root 69, Woakes 14) This is rapidly - ok, not rapidly, very slowly - becoming yet another innings of mature brilliance from Joe Root. He might make a player, and a captain, one day. He sensibly arranges another single, then Woakes steps down the track and launches a drive over mid-off for four. It’s not so much about the runs, that, as reasserting supremacy. Though it’s England who are nervous, West Indies would swap places in a second. England require 75 from 102 balls.

7.49pm GMT

32nd over: England 145-6 (Root 68, Woakes 9) Root pushes down the track and hints at a run, so Holder makes to shy, then doesn’t bother when he stays put. This is wonderfully tight stuff now, though we’re some way from runs becoming an issue. But a pain in the midriff becomes one, when Root misses a pull and wears a stinger, bellowing a cussword in fury. He then pulls a single, the only run from the over, before Woakes narrowly avoids edging a short one and we learn than Gabriel has a sidestrain, so won’t be bowling again this evening. England require 81 from 108 balls.

7.44pm GMT

31st over: England 144-6 (Root 67, Woakes 9) At Nurse’s end, Holder opts for the part-time spin of Jason Mohammed, perhaps hoping that England’s not having faced him much will help. And really, the tension 19 overs out from the close is remarkable - we should never be allowed to forget the fun of a low-scoring ODI. Three singles from the over; both batsmen daren’t get out, so we’re in this for the long haul. England require 82 from 114 balls.

7.41pm GMT

3oth over: England 141-6 (Root 65, Woakes 8) So, who will it be? Holder, er, goes to, er, himself. Fair dos, at least he’ll know who to blame if it doesn’t work out: his front line batsmen. And he’s really putting his back into things, testing Root with a short one, tempting the fence before hands come inside it. One from the over. England require 85 from 120 balls.

7.40pm GMT

30th over: England 141-6 (Root 65, Woakes 8) So, who will it be? Holder, er, goes to, er, himself. Fair dos, at least he’ll know who to blame if it doesn’t work out: his front line batsmen. And he’s really putting his back into things, testing Root with a short one, tempting the fence before hands come inside it. One from the over. England require 85 from 120 balls.

7.36pm GMT

29th over: England 140-6 (Root 64, Woakes 8) And this is the last of Nurse, who England nudge away - though his fourth delivery bounces big on Woakes, causing minor consternation. Nurse finishes with 3-34, and a revitalised game; well done him, and and well done Jason Holder for bowling him through and supporting him with slips. England require 86 from 126 balls.

7.34pm GMT

28th over: England 136-6 (Root 62, Woakes 7) Here comes your Bishoo to bowl the final over of a telling spell, and after a single to Root, Woakes cracks him square on the off side for the first boundary in absolutely ages. Bishoo ends wih 2-43 off his ten. England require 90 from 132 balls.

7.31pm GMT

27th over: England 131-6 (Root 61, Woakes 3) This is Nurse’s penultimate over; Nurse Ratched, as far as England are concerned. Root shoves his first ball for one, then four dots follow before Woakes, who looks comfy, takes a single down the ground and Root does likewise to midwicket . England require 95 from 138 balls.

7.27pm GMT

26th over: England 128-6 (Root 59, Woakes 2) All England need to do is not get out. Easy, right? A wide helps, then a single to Root and two to Woakes. England require 98 from 144 balls.

7.24pm GMT

This is great bowling, and the dancing has begun! Moeen was still thinking about the one that left him in the previous over so when one drifted in on him, he did nothing - until it rammed middle and off, at which point he picked up his bat and returned hutchwards.

7.23pm GMT

25th over: England 124-5 (Root 58, Ali 3) Moeen plays for turn, none comes, and there’s minor excitement as the ball goes past his edge. I wonder who’ll be used when these two are done - and if Holder will try and finish this, or hold back something for the death.

7.20pm GMT

24th over: England 120-5 (Root 56, Ali 1) Moeen won’t have been expecting this, having been born in mere 1987. Can he persuade himself to knock the ball around, or will he thrash over the top and get himself gone?

“How about that ‘unthrillingness’ in the 20th over?” emails John Starbuck on behalf of the six others. “Apart from remarking on its awkward construction, your readers will be thinking ‘careful what you wish for’.”

7.16pm GMT

We have ourselves a ballgame! Bishoo and Nurse have done exceptionally well to first apply the breaks, then the vice, and Buttler edges a cut, Hope hanging on at the second attempt.

7.15pm GMT

24th over: England 117-4 (Root 54, Buttler 0) Root pushes forward and edges Bishoo! But it’s thick enough to run away for three.

7.14pm GMT

23rd over: England 114-4 (Root 51, Buttler 0) Root is unmoved by the vaguely increased tension, working a single, then Nurse spins one away from Buttler. Keen to get off the mark, he then calls Root through for a single after nudging to midwicket and has to turn and fling himself back; one more step and he was toast.

7.11pm GMT

22nd over: England 113-4 (Root 50, Buttler 0) So, have we ourselves a ballgame? England still have plenty of batting to come, but they also have a fair few runs left to get. They’re favourites, for sure, but won’t be wanting to lose any more wickets in the next bit.

7.09pm GMT

Stokes leans back to force a cut away, can only edge, and Hope takes a smart catch behind the wicket.

7.08pm GMT

22nd over: England 113-3 (Root 50, Stokes 1) Root gets one of the least memorable fifties you’ll ever see, Collingwodian in its stealthy, relentless accumulation. But then Stokes props forward to Bishoo, misses, and takes it on the pads. The ball was going down, but that’s a warning.

7.07pm GMT

21st over: England 112-3 (Root 49, Stokes 1) Surely West Indies now bring on Brathwaite to try and get Stokes ego before. But, in the meantime, he’s off the mark second ball, then Root adds a two and a one.

7.04pm GMT

Pitching in-line, umpire’s call on the stumps - the ball was dislodging the off-bail. Well bowled, Ashley Nurse.

7.03pm GMT

This one goes on with the arm, Morgan waits for the spin that didn’t come, plays down the wrong line, and REVIEWS! Looks out to me...

7.02pm GMT

20th over: England 108-2 (Root 46, Morgan 7) West Indies have staunched the flow of boundaries, at least; after a wide, Morgan bunts a single and Root takes three to point. Then another single, and, well, this is thrilling only in its entire unthrillingness.

6.59pm GMT

19th over: England 102-2 (Root 40, Morgan 4) There just isn’t very much West Indies can do about any of this. Even quiet overs are fine, and in the middle are two men with the skill and temperament to guide England through as many of them as necessary. Perhaps it might be worth bringing some pace back to get at Morgan before he’s in, because there’s another over exceeding the run rate, currently standing at 3.95.

6.56pm GMT

18th over: England 98-2 (Root 40, Morgan 4) Bishoo twirls through, Root sweeping a brace then a guiding a single off the final two deliveries of the over.

6.48pm GMT

17th over: England 92-2 (Root 32, Morgan 0) Root and Morgan knock Nurse around. Drinks.

“90s dance produced a lot of quality,” tweets Michael Avery, “like Livin Joy’s ‘Dreamer’.”

6.45pm GMT

16th over: England 92-2 (Root 32, Morgan 0) Root and Morgan knock Bishoo around - I might just store that line on my clipboard.

6.43pm GMT

15th over: England 87-2 (Root 32, Morgan 0) So out comes the in-form Eoin Morgan; what a sentence that is to type.

6.42pm GMT

As I was saying, Roy can’t help but swipe at one outside off - it’s a decent ball, daring him to take it on through the wind and to the long boundary - and that’s a straightforward catch at wide long-on.

6.41pm GMT

15th over: England 87-1 (Roy 52, Root 33) Nurse is bowling reasonably enough, but isn’t looking likely to break through - instead, a tempered pull earns Roy two and his fifty.

6.38pm GMT

14th over: England 83-1 (Roy 49, Root 32) Bishoo opens his third over with a wide, and then, after a dot, Roy reminds him what’s what, carting a shot one to the midwicket fence. And this is the problem, I guess - you create pressure and take wickets by bowling a succession of good balls. Put that insight in your pipe and smoke it.

6.35pm GMT

13th over: England 73-1 (Roy 42, Root 30) This is good from West Indies just as England were threatening to pull away. Bowling very straight, Nurse limits the batsmen to four singles - still more than the run rate.

6.32pm GMT

12th over: England 73-1 (Roy 42, Root 30) Bishoo is somewhat grooved now, Root’s sweep for one the only run off the over. In a way I’m surprised - England won’t want to let him settle - but on the other, little point getting all excited chasing such a low total.

6.30pm GMT

11th over: England 72-1 (Roy 42, Root 29) Nurse into the attack for some more powerplay behaviour and this is the first tight over in sometime, just three from it.

6.28pm GMT

10th over: England 69-1 (Roy 41, Root 27) Later than I expected, Holden turns to Bishoo, and Roy has a look, for one ball, before sweeping him left-handed, from outside off, to the fence at third man. Er, ok then! Perfectly normal behaviours!

Elsewhere, it seems that BBC 6 Music are following the 90s riff.

Wouldn't be a #DNB6Music playlist without @therealLTJbukem and 'Horizons', before that you heard 'The Bass II Dark' by Asylum

6.23pm GMT

9th over: England 63-1 (Roy 35, Root 27) Root takes a single, then Roy chucks everything at a pull, minding at the past second that there’s a breeze going on and taking his bottom hand off the bat. Smart gear, that, and it saves him, the ball dropping short of the fielder as they run one, and then Brathwaite drops short so Root glances him to the fence. And four more arrive next ball, Root leaping onto tippy-toes to square-drive to the point fence, two more follow, and England are rinsing: 12 off this over, 13 off the previous one.

6.19pm GMT

8th over: England 51-1 (Roy 34, Root 16) Holder continues and Root nabs three more to midwicket, then a single apiece brings Roy back onto strike. Ah. So he waits for one that’s marginally wide of off and chleanses it to the midwicket fence, then twists the next ball to square leg, raising the 50 partnership - it’s come off 31 balls.

“In other news, Chris Jordan is about to become a PSL champion,” emails Chris Drew. “Another for the CL team?”

6.13pm GMT

7th over: England 38-1 (Roy 25, Root 12) Brathwaite, CR into the attack Root turns two away towards midwicket, then charges and swipes three more - it should carry over the fence but holds up in the wind instead. Roy then turns down a single Root is certain exists, but it makes little difference - after that early wicket and scare, England look to have this squantied right down.

6.09pm GMT

6th over: England 31-1 (Roy 24, Root 6) The standard of 90s pop-dance tunes really was outstanding: Haddaway, Culture Beat, Shabba (sorry, for avoidance of doubt, that was me interjecting, not listing an R&B act in a pop-dance list). Anyway, back out in the middle it’s techno techno techno techno as Roy powerstrokes a straight six. The control there was startling.

6.05pm GMT

5th over: England 24-1 (Roy 18, Root 5) England are taking things gently, at least until Roy clumps Gabriel over fine mid-on. Is it just me, or does he have the game for Tests? And here he is, oh yes! Four more, whammed over cover.

To carry on Rob’s 90s revival, here’s the finest album track of the period, period. Even if later album releases ruined things by removing the rap.

6.00pm GMT

4th over: England 14-1 (Roy 10, Root 4) Roy runs a single down to third man, and then Root gets himself going - must be a while since he’s faced seven straight dots - thanks to a wide, short one, slashed through backward point.

5.55pm GMT

3rd over: England 9-1 (Roy 9, Root 0) Roy’s hit on the pad off a full one, but it was going well down. Well, that’s how it looked to me, the reality being somewhat closer. Either way, Roy is down the ground next ball, gliding a beautiful four. “Ah, pleasant! Sheer pleasantry, just to look at that,” says commentary. And three more follow, though these are dicily obtained, narrowly avoiding dive de Brathwaite. He has nearly pulled off two stunners, in the process pulling off zero stunners. Ah.

5.50pm GMT

2nd over: England 2-1 (Roy 2, Root 0) The certainty of the fielders was persuasive, I must say. But what can you do.

5.50pm GMT

Well, this is an odd one. In the absence of Snicko, Ultra Edge and Hot Spot, it’s simply a case of umpire’s judgement, or, more accurately, proof. And there’s not enough - though I’d not be surprised if the third umpire thought it was out.

5.46pm GMT

2nd over: England 1-1 (Roy 1, Root 0) Roy absolutely marmalises a wide one from Holder, and Brathwaite, at mid-on, dives like a goalkeeper, leading with his top hand, but can’t quite hang on. Still, that was pretty incredible. And what’s this! Holder spirits one through Roy, there’s a huge appeal, the umpire says not, and immediately comes the call to review, led by Hope behind the stumps. The bat is miles from the pad, so any noise is likely to be incriminating.

“What are the thoughts around Finn’s performances out there, Daniel?” asks Bill Hargreaves. “For me he had the potential to be a stalwart next to Anderson and Broad had his management or development taken a different direction, possibly?”

5.42pm GMT

1st over: England 1-1 (Roy 1, Root 0) That might be the series for Billings, with Hales likely to come back in for the next match. Truth is, he’s probably more suited to the middle order at the moment, it’s just his bad luck that the same is so of various other monsters. Anyway, Root, who was castled by Gabriel on Friday, edges going hard, and is relieved to see it bounce in front of slip - quite how it didn’t carry, I really do not know. Great over.

5.39pm GMT

Well well well! After Roy takes a single from the first ball, a lovely delivery, full and on middle, is edged to Nurse a second slip, he parries it across to first, and that’s gone!

5.37pm GMT

The players are preparing themselves ... can Shannon Gabriel get the early wickets Windies need?

5.32pm GMT

“What’s with all the upbeat talk of England winning?” emails Chris Drew.
“We’re doing a 90s throwback day remember! We know how to lose from anywhere.”

Exactly - and that all begins with cheap talk.

5.29pm GMT

“It is, like the rest of his appearance, stolen from Tamsin Greig,” says Dan Lucas of Finnsfringe, also a town in the Rhineland.

5.24pm GMT

Meanwhile.

Wasim Akram as tv camera shows overhead view of Lahore "look at the amazing, eternal & beautiful city of Lahore" #PslFinalLahore pic.twitter.com/dzSg6O9mdk

5.23pm GMT

“In an effort to tempt fate away from soling the notion that there are any certainties in life/sport,” emails Ian Copestake, “West Indies’ total is only 70 short if their bowlers up their game and/or England fail to bat like chumps.”

I know, I know, but I’m not sure either side has a Windies win in them. As for certainties, general boredom and misery is one, I suppose.

5.17pm GMT

It’s been bothering me all day, but I am finally able to make an announcement: Steven Finn’s fringe is stolen from George McFly.

5.10pm GMT

To ponder: are England seriously going to negotiate and at home Champions Trophy without Stuart Broad?

5.09pm GMT

It’s very very hard to see how England don’t win from here. Their batting is so strong these days that someone always turns up, and chasing such a low total, that’s pretty much all it’ll take.

5.01pm GMT

Meanwhile...

Darren Sammy's reaction after hitting a huge six. #HBLPSLFINAL #QaddafiStadium #PZvQG pic.twitter.com/md385BolOm

5.00pm GMT

Bumble reckons Windies are 70 under par - that’s a damning verdict indeed.

4.59pm GMT

Plus, Plunkett for Woakes would barely touch the overall hunkfactor of England’s attack, which has probably never been higher.

4.57pm GMT

Liam Plunkett, then. He’s had some ill luck to find himself only playing limited overs gear - he had a fairly decent summer in 2014, then got injured at a bad time and hasn’t had a sniff since. I wonder if he might be more use on flat tracks than Woakes.

4.53pm GMT

Ta Rob, and well bowled England, who’ve put themselves in position here. We’ve said that before!

4.51pm GMT

That’s a really good effort from England, who need 226 to win the match and series. It should be a doddle. Daniel Harris will be here for the England run-chase. Bye!

4.51pm GMT

Jos Buttler ends the innings with a superb run out, hitting the stumps direct with the non-striker Gabriel well short.

4.49pm GMT

48th over: West Indies 221-9 (Bishoo 0, Gabriel 1) Plunkett now has figures of seven for 72 in this short series.

4.47pm GMT

Plunkett gets his third wicket, zipping one through Nurse’s expansive drive to hit the stumps. This has been a pretty efficient bowling performance.

4.45pm GMT

47th over: West Indies 220-8 (Nurse 9, Bishoo 0) The almost absent-minded nonchalance of Roy’s throw to Billings showed just how normal that type of one-two dismissal is nowadays. WHAT IS GOING ON OUT THERE?

4.43pm GMT

Brathwaite smashes Rashid towards wide long-on, where Roy and Billings combine superbly to take the catch. Roy caught the ball inside the rope and then, as he was falling over the rope, threw it nonchalantly to Billings.

4.40pm GMT

46th over: West Indies 218-7 (C Brathwaite 23, Nurse! 7) The new bowler Plunkett drifts onto the pad of Nurse, who flicks him around the corner and wide of short fine leg for four. It’s a scruffy over, with a couple of wides as well. West Indies are sneaking towards a workable score.

4.35pm GMT

45th over: West Indies 207-7 (C Brathwaite 22, Nurse 0) Brathwaite, who is playing well now, crashes Rashid down the ground for four.

4.32pm GMT

Holder slog-sweeps Rashid miles in the air, and when the ball eventually comes down Rashid takes a very well-judged catch.

4.30pm GMT

44th over: West Indies 199-6 (Holder 13, C Brathwaite 14) Brathwaite gives us a reminder of his power, hustling Woakes through midwicket for four with little more than a short-arm jab. Eight from the over.

4.25pm GMT

43rd over: West Indies 191-6 (Holder 12, C Brathwaite 8) A good over from Rashid costs just four singles. West Indies are really struggling now.

4.22pm GMT

42nd over: West Indies 187-6 (Holder 10, C Brathwaite 6) With Brathwaite at the crease I’m surprised Stokes hasn’t asked to bowl, or at the very least threatened to kill Eoin Morgan with his bare hands if he doesn’t give him the ball.

For now Woakes continues to Holder and Brathwaite, two huge men who can hit the ball a long way, but at the moment can barely get it off the square. Woakes has terrific figures of 7-1-18-0.

4.18pm GMT

41st over: West Indies 182-6 (Holder 7, C Brathwaite 5) Rashid is back and has a big appeal for LBW against Holder turned down. Morgan decides to review. The only issue is whether Holder actually connected with his attempted lap sweep. The umpire thought so; replays suggested otherwise. But Holder survives because the point of contact with the top of the stumps was umpire’s call. The England balcony are not impressed.

4.12pm GMT

40th over: West Indies 176-6 (Holder 4, C Brathwaite 2) Woakes, not Stokes, returns to the attack to bowl at Carlos Brathwaite. His batting form has been surprisingly poor since he marmalised Stokes in the final of the World T20, and in that over he is rapped painfully on the glove by Woakes. West Indies probably need at least a run a ball from the last 10 overs to make this competitive.

4.09pm GMT

39th over: West Indies 173-6 (Holder 3, C Brathwaite 0) That was the last ball of the over. Carlos Brathwaite is the new batsman.

4.08pm GMT

Carter the stoppable six machine. He tried to blast Plunkett over mid-on, a bit of a premature stroke, and sliced it high to Rashid at mid-off. It was a lively innings of 39 from 36 balls but now West Indies are in the ill-smelling stuff.

4.03pm GMT

38th over: West Indies 171-5 (Carter 39, Holder 2) Moeen bowls his last over, and Carter bids him farewell with a big six over long-on. Shot! Moeen ends with decent figures of 10-0-44-1.

4.00pm GMT

37th over: West Indies 163-5 (Carter 32, Holder 1) “In another 90s throwback,” says Chris Drew, “we now have Carter the Unstoppable Six Machine at the crease!”

3.58pm GMT

Plunkett strikes with the second ball of a new spell. It was a nothing delivery really, drifting onto leg stump, but Mohammed lifted it gently to Rashid at mid-on.

3.51pm GMT

36th over: West Indies 158-4 (Mohammed 50, Carter 28) The lively Carter hustles Moeen for four more through midwicket. As on Friday, he has given the innings considerable impetus; he has 28 from 25 balls.

3.49pm GMT

35th over: West Indies 149-4 (Mohammed 50, Carter 19) Ach, apologies; we’ve been having a few technical problems. West Indies have started to get a move on: seven runs from Finn’s over and now 13 from the returning Stokes’s. Six of those came from one thumping pull stroke by Mohammed that took him to his second half-century in three days. That’s a particularly good effort given that, before Friday, he has played two ODIs (across five-and-a-bit years) and scored six runs.

3.43pm GMT

34th over: West Indies 136-4 (Mohammed 43, Carter 14)

3.43pm GMT

33rd over: West Indies 130-4 (Mohammed 41, Carter 10) Carter gets his first boundary, rifling a half-volley from Finn back down the ground. Stokes, meanwhile, is back on the field; apparently he has just jarred a finger.

3.36pm GMT

32nd over: West Indies 123-4 (Mohammed 41, Carter 3) Excellent stuff from Moeen, who keeps Carter to a single from the over and now has figures of 7-0-21-1.

3.35pm GMT

31st over: West Indies 122-4 (Mohammed 41, Carter 2) Finn has troubled every batsman with the short ball today. That includes the new batsman Carter, who gets a leading edge that loops safely wide of backward point for a single. Finn’s performance in this series will probably get him into the Champions Trophy squad, though there is a lot competition for the seam-bowling places.

“If that’s your seam attack (and I’ve no problem with it), what’s you batting line-up?” says Chris Drew. “Any changes from here?” Probably just Hales for Billings, though I would definitely have Billings in the squad as he is such an impressive utility batsman. Hales’ experience and capacity to score 150 give him the edge though.

3.28pm GMT

30th over: West Indies 120-4 (Mohammed 40, Carter 1) “Stokes has just dropped the IPL,” sniffs Ian Copestake.

3.28pm GMT

Brathwaite’s work is done. He walks straight past a big-spinning delivery from Moeen and is stumped by a mile.

3.25pm GMT

29th over: West Indies 117-3 (K Brathwaite 42, Mohammed 38) Finn replaces the relatively expensive Rashid (5-0-33-0) - and he has Brathwaite dropped off his fifth ball. It was a relatively simple chance for Stokes, running back from midwicket when Brathwaite mistimed a pull, but his positioning was poor and it burst through his hands. He injured himself in the process and is leaving the field. It looks like he has damaged the middle finger on his right hand. It’s almost surreal to see him put down a chance like that.

3.19pm GMT

28th over: West Indies 113-3 (K Brathwaite 40, Mohammed 36) Mohammed is into his work now. After four dots from Moeen he slaughters him back over his head for another boundary. The rain seems to have cleared so we should be okay to go straight through the 50 over.s.

3.14pm GMT

27th over: West Indies 109-3 (K Brathwaite 40, Mohammed 32) Mohammed gets down on one knee to swipe Rashid over midwicket for the first six of the innings. That was a cracking shot. It’s raining fairly heavily now, though play is continuing for now.

3.12pm GMT

26th over: West Indies 100-3 (K Brathwaite 39, Mohammed 24) Mohammed scrunches Moeen to long off for a single to bring up the hundred. It’s been a good recovery from the West Indies, though Moeen is quietly doing an economical job: 4-0-13-0.

3.09pm GMT

25th over: West Indies 98-3 (K Brathwaite 38, Mohammed 23) Brathwaite gives Rashid the charge, gets nowhere near the pitch and decided to mow him towards cow corner for a single. That’s one of five runs in the over - runs being the operative word in this partnership, as only eight of the 52 have come in boundaries.

3.07pm GMT

24th over: West Indies 93-3 (K Brathwaite 35, Mohammed 21)

3.05pm GMT

23rd over: West Indies 91-3 (K Brathwaite 34, Mohammed 20) Brathwaite heaves Rashid towards cow corner for a couple off the last ball of an over that brings five runs.

“I attended the Active Bradford Sports awards on Thursday, my primary school was nominated for an award, and was disappointed that Rashid (who was also up for an award) wasn’t there,” says Tom Van der Gucht. “At the time I had a similar attitude to Andrew Gale (when Rashid declined to play for Yorkshire at the end of the season) but hearing him in action now, I’m can almost understand why he was unable to make it.”

3.02pm GMT

22nd over: West Indies 86-3 (K Brathwaite 31, Mohammed 18) It’s pretty gloomy in Antigua, and the groundstaff are getting ready just in case. Two from Moeen’s over. West Indies have rotated the strike a lot better in the last few overs; on this pitch you’d expect with the lowest dot-ball ratio to win the match.

2.58pm GMT

21st over: West Indies 84-3 (K Brathwaite 29, Mohammed 17) Brathwaite pumps Rashid down the ground for four. It wasn’t a perfect stroke but he got enough on it to clear mid-on. Rashid’s reply is excellent, an even slower legspinner that growls past the edge.

2.55pm GMT

20th over: West Indies 76-3 (K Brathwaite 24, Mohammed 16) Moeen Ali comes into the attack in place of Stokes. The bowling changes have been pretty mechanical so far but that’s fine; this pitch doesn’t really need funky captaincy. Seven from the over, all in ones and twos. This is good batting. Now, assuming everyone is fit, what would be your seam attack for the first game of the Champions Trophy? I’d probably go with Woakes, Willey, Wood and Stokes.

2.51pm GMT

19th over: West Indies 69-3 (K Brathwaite 21, Mohammed 12) Adil Rashid is coming on to replace Liam Plunkett (4-1-11-0). His first over is on the malodorous side, with two wides in the first four balls and then a full toss. He improves towards the end, mind you, and there are six runs from the over.

2.47pm GMT

18th over: West Indies 63-3 (K Brathwaite 19, Mohammed 10) Stokes is worked around for six in that over, four singles and a two. I have no idea what else to say.

2.40pm GMT

17th over: West Indies 57-3 (K Brathwaite 15, Mohammed 8) A maiden from Plunkett, and that’s drinks.

“Oh!” says Chris Drew. “1990s link. That would be this.”

2.38pm GMT

16th over: West Indies 57-3 (K Brathwaite 15, Mohammed 8) It’s fair to say England are on top, but this score isn’t a disaster for West Indies given the nature of the pitch. If they can beg, steal and borrow their way to 250, they will have a chance.

2.31pm GMT

15th over: West Indies 52-3 (K Brathwaite 13, Mohammed 5) Mohammed opens the face to glide Plunkett through the vacant slip area for four. Actually there was a bit of edge in that and, as Sir Robert Key says on Sky, it’s unusual for Morgan not to have a slip in when the opposition are 47 for three.

2.29pm GMT

14th over: West Indies 47-3 (K Brathwaite 13, Mohammed 0) “Afternoon Rob,” says Chris Drew. “Just over one month to the potentially promotion deciding clash: Northamptonshire v Glamorgan. Proper cricket is on its way back!”

Yes, but what’s that got to do with the 1990s?

2.27pm GMT

Ben Stokes makes things happen, part 31204101863. It wasn’t a great delivery, short and wide, but it got the wicket. Hope threw his hands at the ball and bottom-edged to Jos Buttler. Any golden-armed all-rounder would have been proud of that wicket.

2.25pm GMT

13th over: West Indies 45-2 (K Brathwaite 12, Hope 16) Plunkett hurries through another over, one from it. England have bowled very straight today.

2.20pm GMT

12th over: West Indies 44-2 (K Brathwaite 11, Hope 16) It’s time for Ben Stokes, who didn’t bowl in the first ODI. His first over is adequate and brings four low-risk runs. It’s all a bit low-key at the moment.

2.16pm GMT

11th over: West Indies 40-2 (K Brathwaite 10, Hope 13) Liam Plunkett replaces Steven Finn. Five from the over. No, no I wasn’t paying attention.

2.12pm GMT

10th over: West Indies 35-2 (K Brathwaite 9, Hope 9) Chris Woakes has proved tens of thousands of people wrong by becoming an England regular. I wonder if he’s proved his own subconscious wrong as well. Either way he looks the part now, certainly in one-day cricket. The moment I type that, he drops short and is muscled through midwicket for four by Brathwaite. Commentator’s curse?!?!?!?!

2.09pm GMT

9th over: West Indies 31-2 (K Brathwaite 5, Hope 9) Hope turns Finn just short of Despair at square leg. Later in the over, Finn drops short and is scorched through the off side for a fine boundary.

“I miss Neil Fairbrother, Rob,” weeps Guy Hornsby. “Almost as much as I miss Graeme Thorpe. Artists at forging an innings, but the former with so much unfulfilled international promise. He could’ve been a superstar. It’s great to see that skill hasn’t totally evaporated in these thick-batted, slow-bouncer times. Morgan & Billings grafted on Friday, and we’ll need that again today. All these 90s touchstones, it just makes me want to listen to Different Class. There’s a Stokes riff in there somewhere.”

2.04pm GMT

8th over: West Indies 23-2 (K Brathwaite 5, Hope 1) Brathwaite slaps Woakes just wide of the jack-knifing Root at gully. It would have been a superhuman catch. The new batsman Hope then inside-edges just short of Buttler. This really isn’t an easy pitch. It’s two-paced - slow and slower - and not at all conducive to strokeplay.

“You know things are bad,” says David Horn, “when English cricket in the 90s is providing you with comfort.”

2.00pm GMT

7th over: West Indies 21-2 (K Brathwaite 4, Hope 0) Every milestone in Steven Finn’s career is worth celebrating, given all he has been through and will probably continue to go through. He’s such a likeable, admirable bloke, with a spirit that is paradoxically fragile yet unbreakable. Only Darren Gough and Stuart Broad have got to 100 ODI wickets for England in fewer matches than Finn’s 67.

“Was intrigued to read of an ‘insinuation of swing’ earlier,” says Brian Withington “Any chance of a ‘semblance of seam’ too?”

1.58pm GMT

Steven Finn gets his 100th ODI wicket. Powell tried to pull a short ball that was too wide for the stroke, and it lobbed straight up in the air for Finn to take a simple catch.

1.55pm GMT

6th over: West Indies 21-1 (K Brathwaite 4, Powell 9) Chris Woakes has quietly become the leader of England’s seam attack in ODI cricket, and he has started superbly here. He is bowling very straight and just short of a length, making him hard to get away on this tacky pitch. His figures are 3-1-4-0.

1.50pm GMT

5th over: West Indies 19-1 (K Brathwaite 3, Powell 8) After five dot balls, Powell punches Finn classically through mid-off for four. That stroke notwithstanding, this looks a difficult pitch to score on. Funny that, as it’s the same pitch that was awkward to score on the other day and now it’s even more tired. Identifying what is a decent score will be so important for the West Indies; even something as low as 240 might be enough, though they’ll probably want nearer 270.

1.47pm GMT

4th over: West Indies 15-1 (K Brathwaite 3, Powell 4) Brathwaite is dropped by Morgan off Woakes at mid-on. It was a brilliant attempt. He dived high to his left, extended a telescopic left arm to reach the ball... but couldn’t hang on. A maiden from Woakes.

“Scrolling through on my phone and coming across that Neil Fairbrother video, I knew right away who was doing the OBO today!” says David Horn. “Your 90s nostalgia gives you away. But what a player he was. England’s first ODI specialist. The spiritual Godfather of Morgan and Buttler. I remember watching him once against Surrey and the way he moved his feet was quite incredible. He seemed perpetually on the move.”

1.43pm GMT

3rd over: West Indies 15-1 (K Brathwaite 3, Powell 4) Powell is quickly off the mark, forcing Finn through point for four.

“Dear rob.smyth,” writes Odell. “We are looking for employees working remotely. My name is Odell, I am the personnel manager of a large International company. Most of the work you can do from home, that is, at a distance. Salary is $2700-$5800.”

1.41pm GMT

Lewis has gone! He tried to turn Finn to leg and got a leading edge towards short cover, where Billings took a smart catch diving forward. It looked like the ball stopped in the wicket a bit, and that’s likely to be an issue all day on this used pitch.

1.38pm GMT

2nd over: West Indies 11-0 (K Brathwaite 3, Lewis 8) Chris Woakes will open the defence from the Sir Andy Roberts End. There’s an insinuation of swing to the right-handed Brathwaite, no more than that, but his line is good and there are just two from the over.

1.34pm GMT

1st over: West Indies 9-0 (K Brathwaite 1, Lewis 8) It used to be the bowlers who opened the attack. These days it’s the batsmen, and in this case Evin Lewis. He slams his first two balls, from Steven Finn, through the offside for four to get the West Indies off to a flyer.

1.25pm GMT

The Joy of One, England v West Indies in ODIs

Neil Fairbrother’s magical innings at Lord’s in 1991, one of the more bittersweet hundreds scored by an England player in the 1990s.

1.22pm GMT

In other news, there is a belting Test match going on in Bangalore. England need to improve a fair bit if they are to compete in the Ashes next winter.

Related: Renshaw and Marsh edge Australia ahead of India in Bangalore Test

1.04pm GMT

West Indies K Brathwaite, Lewis, Powell, Hope (wk), Mohammed, Carter, Holder (c), C Brathwaite, Bishoo, Nurse, Gabriel.

England Roy, Billings, Root, Morgan (c), Buttler (wk), Stokes, Moeen, Woakes, Rashid, Plunkett, Finn.

1.03pm GMT

They are unchanged, as are England. Next!

10.39am GMT

Good afternoon. The pitches in the West Indies bear approximately 0.00 per cent resemblance to those in England. In that sense, a series win here would have very little significance when England attempt to win this summer’s Champions Trophy. But confidence, individual and collective, is something you can take all round the globe. Maurice Mentum has the world’s most powerful passport.

In that sense a victory would be valuable, especially if it involves individual success for key players like Eoin Morgan and the type of nuanced batting performance that shows England have more than one way to skin a bowling attack. They will need another such performance today, as we are playing on the same wicket that was used for the first ODI. I say ‘we’; I’m not putting on my pads, I haven’t taken guard on middle stump, Dude.

Related: Fate hands Alex Hales return to England fold after troubled winter

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Liverpool 3-1 Arsenal: Premier League – as it happened

Liverpool moved up to third after an exhilarating attacking performance gave them a deserved win in a fine match at Anfield

7.47pm GMT

Related: Liverpool bounce back into form with spirited victory over listless Arsenal

7.23pm GMT

Liverpool are deserved winners of an extremely good game of football. The front three of Mane, Coutinho and Firmino were just brilliant, as was Adam Lallana, and Liverpool continue their outstanding big-game record this season. There will be lots of talk about Arsenal omitting Alexis Sanchez. It was a debatable decision, but it wasn’t why they lost this game. They lost it because Xhaka and Coquelin are a papier mache midfield, and because Liverpool were sensational in attack. Thanks for your company, night.

7.21pm GMT

90+2 min Origi was actually offside when he ran onto Lallana’s pass, but it was still a brilliant goal.

7.20pm GMT

Sanchez’s shot was blocked by Matip and deflected to Lallana, who held the ball and then flicked an outside-of-the foot pass out to Origi on the right wing. He played a fast low ball into Wijnaldum, who galloped into the area and crashed an emphatic first-time shot to the left of Cech. That was the most exhilarating goal.

7.18pm GMT

This is a classic counter-attacking goal.

7.18pm GMT

90+1 min A great move from Arsenal, started by Sanchez, ends with the same player having a shot blocked in the area - and Liverpool break to score a third!

7.17pm GMT

90+1 min There will be three minutes of added time. “It’s tempting to rail at Walcott for being disappointing,” says Charles Antaki. “Very tempting. But we’re in Lent.”

7.17pm GMT

90 min Arsenal have fought really hard in the second half but they look beaten now.

7.14pm GMT

87 min Klavan makes a fine sliding block from Perez’s first-time shot, which came after a nice through ball by Oxlade-Chamberlain.

7.13pm GMT

85 min Arsenal are struggling to get any attacking momentum. There have been a few poor crosses and passes in the final third in the last 10 minutes, and there’s another from Theo Walcott.

7.12pm GMT

84 min You can see why the referee didn’t send Can off. Walcott was fouled almost simultaneously by Can and Matip, and it only became clear with the benefit of replays that Can got him first.

7.11pm GMT

83 min: Origi hits the post! It was an excellent flicked header from Milner’s inswinging free-kick. Cech was beaten and it bounced off the face of the post.

7.07pm GMT

80 min Liverpool make a change: Divock Origi replaces the wonderful Coutinho.

7.06pm GMT

78 min Can is leaving the field, but not in the manner he should be. He fouled Walcott, for which he probably deserved a second yellow card, and then spent ages rolling round. In fairness I think it was an injury, and eventually he limped to the sideline before returning to the field. Granit Xhaka was booked for questioning why Can wasn’t booked a second time.

7.03pm GMT

76 min Xhaka, who has had a poor game, concedes a needless free-kick on the right wing. Coutinho curls a gorgeous ball towards Matip, who should score but mistimes his close-range header into the ground and that gives Cech the opportunity to save to his right.

7.01pm GMT

74 min The wonderful Coutinho abracadabras some space on the edge of the box before driving over the bar. Arsenal then make their last substitutions: Lucas Perez and Theo Walcott replace Danny Welbeck and Olivier Giroud.

6.59pm GMT

72 min The indefatigable Milner wins a corner down the left. It’s played short and eventually cleared by Giroud.

6.56pm GMT

69 min Here’s Matt Dony. “Taking Millings’ lead, #... In the Mings-night hour, I can Ibra power, I’m down Surman my knees, I wanna take you there#.”

6.55pm GMT

68 min Can is booked for a foul on Sanchez. This is a cracking match now: 60 per cent football, 40 per cent basketball.

6.54pm GMT

66 min Firmino’s surprise through ball to Coutinho is just cut out by the stretching Mustafi. Great defending. Mustafi has been excellent in the second half.

6.52pm GMT

65 min Mane escapes Monreal with some CGI footwork and finds Clyne, who splatters an optimistic shot high and wide at the near post. Mane has had a fantastic game, again.

6.50pm GMT

63 min Bellerin’s low cross almost reaches Sanchez, with Clyne doing well to get in front of him and clear.

6.48pm GMT

62 min This match is lurching back and forth, with Arsenal an attacking threat for the first time in the game. It’s richly entertaining if you’re into the whole neutral thing.

6.47pm GMT

60 min A rapid break from Liverpool almost brings a third goal. Coutinho slides a dangerous ball across the six-yard box, and Mustafi does extremely well to boot it over his own bar rather than into the net.

6.46pm GMT

59 min “Why bother watching this game?” says Benjamin Park. “This is Chelsea all over again. Lose, but possibly get a last minute goal as consolation. I’m heading to the cinema.”

Insert your own Groundhog Day joke here.

6.46pm GMT

58 min “In the old days, all this footballers’-names-and-music stuff would have inspired me to come with a related All-time XI,” says Mac Millings. “In my dosage, all you’re getting is: Kasper When You Call My Name, It’s Schmeichel little prayer.”

‘Dosage’, indeed.

6.45pm GMT

Sanchez made it in the inside-left position with a deflected through pass to Welbeck, who saw Mignolet coming and dinked it classily over him. That’s a lovely finish.

6.43pm GMT

Arsenal are back in it!

6.42pm GMT

55 min Liverpool get another corner after some beautiful one-touch passing from the front three. It’s headed away but, bloody hell, Liverpool have played some football today.

6.41pm GMT

54 min ... and it’s straight into the wall.

6.41pm GMT

53 min Coutinho is fouled just outside the area by Mustafi. He has been marvellous today; so have Firmino, Mane and Lallana. Coutinho will take the free-kick...

6.38pm GMT

50 min Firmino makes some room in the box with a delightful turn, lobbing the ball over Koscielny in the process, but then his shot hits Monreal and loses its sting as a result.

6.36pm GMT

48 min Fine save from Mignolet! Monreal, in a deep position on the left, curled a cross towards the leaping Giroud, who strained every neck muscle to force a header towards goal. Mignolet dived high to his right to palm it up and onto the top of the bar.

6.34pm GMT

47 min Mignolet does well to palm Sanchez’s left-wing cross away from Welbeck at the far post.

6.34pm GMT

47 min “Hi Rob,” says Brendan O’Sullivan. “Our problems certainly aren’t helped by a major hole in front of the defence where Santi Cazorla should be. However, every season there’s always one long-term injury without which we would have won the league, so the story goes. A masterplan for a team that’s negated by a single injury isn’t a masterplan.”

6.32pm GMT

46 min Peep peep! Arsenal begin the second half. Alexis Sanchez has come on for Francis Coquelin.

6.22pm GMT

“Is the problem in front for the back four?” says Bill Hargreaves. “I have a feeling that if Arsenal had bought Kante they’d be first, too.”

Yes. Mind you, if Rushden & Diamonds bought Kante they’d probably be top of the Premier League.

6.20pm GMT

Post-triumphalism “It says so much about Liverpool’s season (and my own sad, fragile state of mind) that I’m struggling to enjoy this,” says Matt Dony. “I’m already worried about Burnley at home next week.”

6.18pm GMT

Half-time entertainment (with thanks to Wilson Beuys)

“The Xhaka Can reference made me want to draw your attention to her possibly lesser-known sister, (Tiki) Taka Boom. If possible, she has an even more magnificent voice, as evinced on The Undisputed Truth album, Method to the Madness.
“Composed by funk genius Norman Whitfield, the whole album is a treat, from the giant white afros on the cover and the opening spoken track where the band gets zapped up into space by aliens, to the title track and, above all, this magnificent tour de force, You + Me = Love.
“Masterful arrangement, non-stop funk and an astonishing singer—and just when you think it’s slowing down, it all kicks in again and keeps on going… for 11 minutes. Perfect half-time entertainment.”

6.17pm GMT

The big-game specialists deservedly lead the big-game strugglers 2-0. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

6.15pm GMT

44 min Coutinho misses a great chance to make it 3-0. The exceptional Lallana’s shot hit a defender before looping wickedly over the defence. Coutinho’s first touch to kill the spinning ball was glorious; his second was too close to Cech.

6.13pm GMT

43 min Arsenal are suffering death by deja vu. It’s not nice to watch.

6.11pm GMT

Liverpool built the attack patiently down the left through Milner and Wijnaldum, who then found Firmino on the left of the box. He held off a defender, kept his head up while doing so and played a lovely square pass across the box to find Mane in all kinds of space. He took a touch and smashed the ball hard and low past Cech. That was high-class football by any measure.

6.09pm GMT

This is a great goal.

6.05pm GMT

36 min Mane turns smartly on the edge of the area before trying to chip Cech. It drifts a few yards wide. Liverpool have been sensational in the last 15 minutes.

6.04pm GMT

34 min Coutinho nutmegs Mustafi and goes down in the D. The referee says play on. Arsenal are being run ragged at the moment and now Coquelin has booked for pulling back Lallana.

6.03pm GMT

32 min Liverpool are starting to look really menacing on the counter attack. First Coutinho has a shot from 15 yards that is blocked and then Mane, after a masterful first touch, overhits a through pass to Clyne.

6.02pm GMT

31 min “It’s the box-of-chocolates team again,” writes an unnamed reader. “You never know what you are going to get. Hammered by bottom of the division teams, masterful against the Premiership’s best. Mostly. Another ‘what could have been’ season. Maddening.”

I know, right. Same old Arsenal.

5.59pm GMT

30 min A long punt forward from Cech comes back to Xhaka, who clatters the bouncing ball miles wide from 25 yards.

5.59pm GMT

29 min Mane is butchered on the edge of the box by Mustafi. The referee plays a fine advantage, allowing Coutinho to lash a rising drive that is excellently tipped over by the diving Cech.

5.58pm GMT

28 min Arsenal have lost some of their effervescence since conceding the goal, like a solemn dog that can’t understand why it keeps soiling the expensive rug.

5.56pm GMT

27 min Sanchez is warming up now. What could it all mean?

5.55pm GMT

24 min Giroud is moving gingerly and seems to have a problem with his right leg. Either that or he just wants to tease us, the big hunk. Arsenal have three men warming up, but Sanchez is not among their number.

5.53pm GMT

23 min Arsenal enjoy a long spell of possession. The last time they did that they went behind from the resulting goal-kick. This time they get a throw-in.

5.52pm GMT

22 min “I feel for you, Matt Dony,” says Simon Frank. “I couldn’t effing resist.”

Funk This.

5.51pm GMT

21 min Oxlade-Chamberlain dinks a left-footed cross towards the far post. Mignolet, under pressure from Giroud, misses his punch completely and the ball goes behind for an erroneously awarded corner. No matter: the corner is cleared.

5.49pm GMT

20 min Liverpool have been much the better team since the goal. Arsenal are in danger of being blown away before Alexis Sanchez has gone for his first token warm-up.

5.48pm GMT

18 min “I’m looking forward to the commentary if the midfield gets really scrappy,” says Matt Dony. “‘Xhaka, Can, Xhaka, Can...’.”

5.47pm GMT

17 min When the corner is only half cleared, Coutinho hammers a cross all the way across the area. Matip tried the old Nigel Clough finish behind his standing leg but the ball flashed past him.

5.45pm GMT

16 min Can drills a great crossfield pass to Clyne, who wins a corner off Monreal.

5.44pm GMT

12 min That will annoy Arsene Wenger so much. Arsenal started the game really well and then jiggered it all by conceding a needless goal. The moment the ball skimmed off the head of Koscielny and went through to Coutinho, they were in trouble.

5.41pm GMT

This is a soft goal to concede, coming straight from a goalkick. It was allowed to travel all the way through to Coutinho, who headed it back to Lallana. He fed it wide to Mane, who drove a low cross-shot from just outside the area. It was missed by Coutinho in the middle of the goal but came to Firmino, who had danced into space at the far post and had time to control the ball before ramming a shot over Cech from six yards.

5.39pm GMT

Erm, about Arsenal starting the game well...

5.39pm GMT

9 min Arsenal keep the ball for ages until Xhaka slightly overhits his lofted through pass to Monreal. They’ve started this game really well.

5.35pm GMT

6 min Arsenal are sitting deeper than usual when Liverpool have possession, with nine behind the ball a lot of the time.

5.34pm GMT

5 min The corner is half-cleared to Coquelin, who shoots straight at Mignolet from 22 yards.

5.34pm GMT

4 min A good break from Arsenal. Bellerin scoots down the right and stands up a cross that is headed behind by Matip.

5.33pm GMT

3 min “Rob, I know you’re doing a football blog,” says James Lane. “But did you happen to catch any of the cricket today? Phoar.”

Don’t.

5.32pm GMT

2 min Milner’s cross pings behind off Oxlade-Chamberlain for an early Liverpool corner. Arsenal clear it at about the eighth attempt.

5.30pm GMT

1 min Peep peep! After a lively rendition of You’ll Never Walk Alone, Arsenal kick off from left to right. They are in yellow; Liverpool are in red.

5.25pm GMT

“No Sánchez?” sniffs Charles Antaki. “Let the post-mortems start here then, before the body is on the slab or even lying down. He’s downed tools, is in a huff, has let down his teammates, has had his head turned, has betrayed Wenger, and so on. Or maybe he’s like, y’know, unfit. And Arsenal are as perfectly capable of losing a game with him in as out.”

I’m surprised more managers don’t use specialist subs. Maybe using your best player from the bench is a bit extreme but there’s something in it. In a parallel universe, Theo Walcott is a world-famous specialist substitute.

5.22pm GMT

“Rob,” says Hubert O’Hearn. “As part of the pre-game festivities are Jurgen Klopp and Arsene Wenger doing an interpretive dance involving passing the Crisis Baton back and forth, said cursed object being laid in the centre of the pitch by murdered saint Claudio Ranieri?”

I thought Aitor Karanka had just charged off with Crisis Baton? I just can’t keep up with all these bloody crises.

4.47pm GMT

Pre-match reading

Related: Arsène Wenger needs Arsenal to bolster Big Six record at Liverpool | David Hytner

Related: Jürgen Klopp ready to splash out to strengthen thin Liverpool squad

4.42pm GMT

Alexis Sanchez has been left out, with Danny Welbeck and Olivier Giroud starting. Jake Humphrey isn’t impressed.

Liverpool (4-3-3) Mignolet; Clyne, Matip, Klavan, Milner; Can, Wijnaldum, Lallana; Mane, Firmino, Coutinho.
Substitutes: Karius, Moreno, Lucas, Alexander, Lovren, Origi, Woodburn.

12.09pm GMT

Hello. Liverpool and Arsenal are two of the eternal greats of English football, with 31 league titles between them, but the wait for No32 hangs over this game. In the first half of the season both teams committed the cardinal sin: they gave their fans hope. That has made the reality of the 2016-17 season - that they have a job on to finish fourth, never mind first - so much more dispiriting.

Forget all that. Let’s accentuate the positive instead: neither of these teams can defend, so we’re bound t-

Continue reading...

Manchester United 1-1 Bournemouth: Premier League – as it happened

Ten-man Bournemouth took a valuable point from a bizarre game that included unpunished GBH, a missed penalty from Zlatan Ibrahimovic and all kinds of controversy

2.40pm GMT

Read Richard Jolly’s match report from Old Trafford:

Related: Manchester United’s top-four push stalls in chaotic draw with Bournemouth

2.34pm GMT

Related: Leicester City v Hull City, Eibar v Real Madrid and more – live!

2.27pm GMT

Where do you start with that? United could have been 7-2 up after 20 minutes, yet created very little against 10 men in the second half. Surman was wrongly sent off. Arter was wrongly not sent off. Mings and Ibrahimovic got away with GBH. Ibrahimovic had a penalty saved by Boruc.

The upshot is that United are still sixth, and Bournemouth have renewed hope for their relegation battle after a second-half performance of enormous character. Thanks for your company, bye.

2.25pm GMT

That is one of the oddest games of football you will ever see.

2.25pm GMT

90+5 min Pogba misses another chance from Ibrahimovic’s knockdown! He couldn’t get his shot away and appealed for a penalty, but I don’t think it was one.

2.24pm GMT

90+4 min Arter nicks the ball from the last defender Martial (!), whose pace just gets him out of trouble.

2.23pm GMT

90+3 min Pogba misses a great chance! Ibrahimovic’s header came to him eight yards out but he completely mishit a volley that bobbled miserably wide. He should have scored.

2.22pm GMT

90+2 min There has been so much incident that the result almost feels secondary. But this would be a huge point for Bournemouth and two costly dropped points for United.

2.20pm GMT

90+1 min There will be five minutes of added time.

2.20pm GMT

90 min Rojo’s cross is comfortably claimed by Boruc, who takes the opportunity to waste 10 seconds. You can’t blame him for that.

2.17pm GMT

88 min Bournemouth make their final change: Max Gradel replaces Josh King.

2.17pm GMT

87 min A point here could change Bournemouth’s season, especially the manner in which it will have been achieved. They have been tremendous after a diabolical start to the game.

2.15pm GMT

85 min Martial’s cross seems to hit the arm of Smith just inside the area; this time there’s no penalty.

2.14pm GMT

84 min Juan Mata is imploring his team-mates to calm down and play the ball around. They have been hitting too many long balls. This is where Sir Alex Ferguson’s sides was so good: they generally kept their nerve and kept passing the ball, even in injury time.

2.12pm GMT

82 min United have been dreadful in this second half, desperate and unfocussed. That said, Bournemouth’s defending has been almost unrecognisable from the first half.

2.11pm GMT

80 min Rashford is booked for shoving Smith over. That was the wrong decision as well. The referee has had a shocker. You have to feel for him; it must be horrible to be in this position. It’s not often that the referee is desperate to hear his own final whistle.

2.08pm GMT

78 min Pogba is fouled 25 yards from goal by Arter, who has already been booked. The referee gives him a last warning. Arter should have been sent off but he’s hardly alone in that today. Meanwhile, the injured Mings is replaced by the debutant Baily Cargill.

2.06pm GMT

76 min “Contrary opinions are surely welcome,” says Ian Copestake. “I certainly don’t take anything I say seriously.”

But why don’t you? Don’t you think you deserve more respect? Eh? Do you want some?

2.06pm GMT

75 min Arter seems fine now. Ibrahomivic has a snapshot blocked and now Tyrone Mings is down in pain, holding his thigh. This game has been just weird.

2.04pm GMT

74 min Rashford’s 20-yard shot deflects just wide. Bournemouth have a player flat out on his back, Harry Arter. Pogba ran into him off the ball and I think he might be concussed.

2.02pm GMT

Boruc gets down superbly to his right to save from Ibrahimovic. That’s a brilliant save because it wasn’t a bad penalty at all. This bizarre game continues to confound everyone except Quasimodo.

2.01pm GMT

Smith was so close to Pogba that, although his arm was outstretched, there wasn’t much he could do to get out of the way.

2.01pm GMT

Pogba’s acrobatic volleyed cross hits the outstretched hand of Smith. I think that’s harsh.

2.00pm GMT

70 min A triple United change: Fellaini, Lingard and Rashford for Shaw, Carrick and Rooney. Lingard is now playing at left-back.

1.59pm GMT

69 min In a strange way that red card has helped Bournemouth. It’s made everything so much simpler, and perhaps distracted United.

1.57pm GMT

68 min “Good point,” says Roy Allen. “Never liked Paulie though.”

Sil? Chrissy?

1.57pm GMT

68 min This is an excellent spell for Bournemouth, who look more comfortable than at any stage in the match. As a result, Jose Mourinho is about to make a triple substitution.

1.55pm GMT

66 min “I realize that Ian Copestake is an institution on these MBMs, and I’m also entertained by Ibrahimovic, but I’m of the contrary opinion that Ibrahimovic should start every game automatically on a yellow card,” says Glenn Hoddle. “This would stop him from thinking he can get away with a whole load of crap just on account of being a Lion, or a hamster or a sea-slug or whatever he is that week.”

1.54pm GMT

64 min Ibrahimovic hits a poor free-kick into the wall, from where it spins behind for United’s 48th corner. Bournemouth’s defending at the start of the game was hopeless but they have been very good in this half.

1.53pm GMT

63 min Pogba beats two players 25 yards from goal and is brought down by Gosling. The free-kick is to slightly to the right of centre, perfectly for a left-footer. It’ll be Zlatan to take it.

1.52pm GMT

62 min The most absurd thing about Ibrahimovic is that, despite throwing Mings to the canvas then crunching an elbow into the coupon, the only thing he was actually booked for was dissent.

1.49pm GMT

60 min Bournemouth have calmed things down a little after a torrid start to the half. It’s also disappointing to note a complete lack of cartoon violence since half-time.

1.49pm GMT

58 min Carrick is booked for pulling back King. “No one seems to have mentioned Ibra’s attempted stamp on Mings’ thigh just before the Mings stamp on his head,” says Simon Ward.

I genuinely missed that. The view from up Zlatan’s derriere isn’t the best. It’s a restricted-view ticket.

1.47pm GMT

57 min “Is the press now so far up Ibrahimovic’s arse that even an elbow to the head is considered heroic?” says Roy Allen. “You’re normally very good but your home team bias shows here.”

If you can’t see the comic heroism in Ibrahimovic’s elbow, you haven’t spent enough of your life watching the Sopranos on loop. Paulie Walnuts couldn’t have done it better.

1.46pm GMT

56 min Pogba’s booming curler from 25 yards is beautifully saved by Boruc, leaping to his left.

1.44pm GMT

54 min United win three corners in quick succession. Bournemouth are under constant pressure at the moment.

1.43pm GMT

53 min A very smart turn from Rooney on the edge of the box brings a shooting opportunity, with the ball nicking off a defender and looping over the bar.

1.42pm GMT

52 min “Just as offsides should not be given against beautiful goals,” says Ian Copestake, “so Ibrahimovic should be pardoned if his violence entertained us.”

That’s a great rule, and this should be exhibit A.

1.41pm GMT

51 min That red card is a shame for the game, because when it was 11 v 11 Bournemouth fancied their chances. Now even they will have to embrace pragmatism.

1.40pm GMT

50 min The game is now taking place almost exclusively in the Bournemouth half. Ibrahimovic’s fierce long-range shot deflects to safety off Mings.

1.39pm GMT

49 min Martial’s superb cross is headed over his own bar by the stretching Cook, denying Rooney a simple chance in the process.

1.38pm GMT

47 min “Hi Rob,” says Waqas Mir. “Since they’re both getting bans after the game anyway, they should consider the second half a free hit and come out of the tunnel windmilling.”

1.37pm GMT

46 min Mings crunches Ibrahimovic, aggressively but fairly, 30 seconds into the second half. There’s no way those two will be on the pitch at the final whistle.

1.35pm GMT

46 min Bournemouth make a half-time change, bringing on Dan Gosling for Pugh. Their assistant manager has been sent off as well. I can’t keep up with this.

1.35pm GMT

Jose Mourinho had a one-way exchange of views with Tyrone Mings in the tunnel as the players came out for the second half. It wouldn’t be remotely surprising if there’s more to come.

1.34pm GMT

Mings will get a three-match ban at least. Not sure what happens with Ibrahimovic: Kevin Friend spent an age talking to him, which implies he saw the incident. I suspect the FA will do the necessary to ensure Ibrahimovic gets his three-match ban. He deserves a ban, however heroic and hilarious an argument-settler that was.

1.32pm GMT

I suppose players like Mings and Ibrahimovic might as well try to get away with sly naughtiness while they still can.

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1.28pm GMT

That Surman red card is a joke. The first yellow was for a very strong but fair challenge on Shaw; the second a push on Ibrahimovic in response to the elbow on Mings. In addition to that, the referee originally forgot that he showed Surman a first yellow card. It’s a Premier League farce!

1.27pm GMT

“Oh, and by the way, it wasn’t a penalty but a dive,” says Adam Primus. “Stonewall dive. Go look.”

1.25pm GMT

Reasons to love Jamie Carragher

“That is horrific from Mings, and he probably deserves a smack for that.”

1.25pm GMT

Half time chit-chat

“Mings isn’t gonna try it again,” says Alex Netherton. “That was magnificent.”

1.22pm GMT

If you live to 247, you will not see another half of football like that. It could be 9-3 to United. Mings (revenge stamp on head) and Ibrahimovic (thunderous revenge elbow) should have been sent off; instead Surman was sent off for reasons that aren’t remotely clear. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.

1.20pm GMT

45+4 min Ibrahimovic goes through one on one and is denied by Boruc.

1.18pm GMT

Mings and Ibrahimovic should be off. They aren’t, but Surman is! We’ve seen the replays now. Mings stamped on Ibrahimovic’s head after that tackle on the edge of the area, and then Ibrahimovic gave Mings a cracking elbow in the face. Meanwhile, Surman has been sent off for a second yellow card! I have no idea why. A very strange end to a thoroughly weird half. How did Quasimodo predict all this?

1.16pm GMT

45+2 min Yes, he’s got away with it. We still haven’t seen a replay so it’s hard to know what happened, but Bournemouth have the collective face on.

1.15pm GMT

45+1 min Now Kevin Friend is talking to Ibrahimovic, which suggests it might be a last warning rather than a second yellow card.

1.15pm GMT

45 min From the resulting corner, a deep cross towards Ibrahimovic and Mings ended with Mings on the floor holding his face. The Bournemouth were straight around the referee, who is taking his time over the whole thing.

1.14pm GMT

44 min Moments after Mings takes out Rooney and Ibrahimovic with one sliding tackle, Pogba’s chip over the top is half-volleyed towards goal by Rooney and well saved by Boruc. It was an excellent save. Ibrahimovic is going off here I think...

1.12pm GMT

43 min Actually that Zlatan cross/shot was going well wide. In other news, he was booked for complaining about the penalty.

1.12pm GMT

42 min Ibrahimovic, by the left corner of the box, coaxes a curler towards the far post that is flapped away by the flying Boruc. I’m not sure whether that was a cross or shot from Zlatan but it might have sneaked in the far corner without Boruc’s intervention.

1.11pm GMT

41 min Jones dithers and is robbed by King, who charges towards the area and hits a shot that is blocked by Rojo.

1.10pm GMT

41 min What a weird half of football this has been. And yet Quasimodo predicted the whole thing.

1.09pm GMT

Josh King takes a short run-up - and then smashes an unsaveable penalty into the top-left corner. Majestic.

1.08pm GMT

A clear penalty. Pugh turned smartly in the box, and Jones ran him over. A no-brainer in every sense.

1.08pm GMT

37 min There’s an off-the-ball incident between Ibrahimovic and Mings. Replays show Ibrahimovic threw Mings to the canvas, so he’s lucky not to be booked.

1.03pm GMT

33 min The game has calmed down since the goal. Surman has just been booked for clattering Shaw, though. It looked a strong, fair challenge but Kevin Friend did not concur.

12.57pm GMT

27 min “Just as ‘Yes’ transcended Britpop,” begins Neill Brown, “Zlatan’s showing us all that the Premier League is capable of so much more than the occasional decent first-touch by Dele Alli. He’s the McAlmont & Butler of the Premier League!”

12.56pm GMT

26 min Now another Bournemouth defender, Cook, is receiving treatment. Bournemouth are an absolute mess. It’s 22 years to the day since United beat Ipswich 9-0. They could have scored seven already in this game.

12.54pm GMT

A corner was half-cleared to Valencia 25 yards from goal. He dragged his shot well off target but Rojo - played onside by Cook - steered it past Boruc.

12.53pm GMT

This was overdue.

12.52pm GMT

23 min Adam Smith is down after a fierce 50/50 with Luke Shaw. It’ll give the Bournemouth defence a chance to take some oxygen as well.

12.50pm GMT

20 min I can’t remember seeing a start to a game like this in years. It is comically open, and Martial has again been denied by Boruc after a fine through pass from Carrick. This could seriously be 6-2 to United.

12.48pm GMT

19 min “The entire Bournemouth team looks like they have gastroenteritis,” says JR in Illinois. “As does Rojo. And Ibrahimovic. And Kevin Friend. This game is wack.”

You say it’s wack, but Quasimodo predicted all this.

12.47pm GMT

18 min We’ve just seen a replay of that Ibrahimovic chance. It hit the side of his knee three yards from goal and deflected behind him.

12.47pm GMT

17 min The rampant Valencia finds Mata in a scandalous amount of space on the right-hand side of the box. He takes his time and eventually his cross deflects behind for a corner.

12.46pm GMT

15 min “Am I the only one who finds the comparison between Cantona and any striker who joins United and is deemed a bit different/exotic lazy?” asks Nick Parmenter. “Cantona lifted a whole club to a level it hadn’t been at in a generation!”

Yes it’s ridiculous, though Zlatan is worthier of the comparison than most. The strangest one was Larsson, who was more Sheringham than Cantona.

12.44pm GMT

14 min How did that stay out? Martial slithers through defenders on the left of the box and whacks a short-range cross into the six-yard box. It looks like a straightforward finish for Ibrahimovic but somehow - and I’ve no idea how as we haven’t seen a replay - the ball ends up behind him.

12.43pm GMT

14 min Arter is booked for a late tackle on Carrick.

12.42pm GMT

13 min Martial moves elegantly infield on the edge of the area and hits a low shot that is beaten away by Boruc. This is like a 1950s game. It could already be 4-2 to United.

12.41pm GMT

11 min Rooney and Ibrahimovic combine to make a mess of a great chance, and then Afobe slips when through on goal at the other end! First the United chance: they were two v one but Rooney overhit the pass to Ibrahimovic, who then miscontrolled it on the stretch. Bournemouth broke straight away and Afobe charged through on goal. He tried to go round De Gea but slipped as he did so and lost the chance.

12.37pm GMT

8 min Mata, given offside, has a close-range shot well saved by Boruc. Bournemouth are so open.

12.36pm GMT

5 min Pogba almost scores the opening goal after a 60-yard off-the-ball run. When that Bournemouth corner was cleared, Shaw lumped a ball over the halfway line. It seemed to be covered but then Pogba appeared from nowhere with a majestic gallop from deep inside his own half. He got to the ball first, moved into the area and hit a low left-footed shot that was excellently turned round by Boruc. This has been a thrilling start to the game.

12.34pm GMT

4 min Bournemouth have come to play. They always do. It’s their best quality and possibly their worst. King shoves Jones over down the left and moves into the area before winning a corner off Rojo.

12.32pm GMT

2 min Almost a goal at the other end. A long ball forward towards Afobe hit the covering Jones and nearly deflected past the outrushing De Gea.

12.32pm GMT

2 min Rooney misses an early chance, lobbing a header onto the roof of the net. Valencia won the ball high up the field and played it to Ibrahimovic. His attempted pass to Rooney was cut out but came back to Valencia, who dinked it over the defence to find Rooney in space 10 yards from goal. He probably had time to take it down but went for the first-time header and looped it over the bar.

12.31pm GMT

2 min Eddie Howe is on the Bournemouth bench despite being ill last night. He has what the Sky commentator Martin Tyler describes as “gastric problems”.

12.30pm GMT

1 min Peep peep! Bournemouth kick off from right to left. They are wearing blue; United are in red.

12.09pm GMT

Ten years ago this weekend

11.41am GMT

Pre-match reading

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11.34am GMT

Manchester United (4-2-3-1) De Gea; Valencia, Jones, Rojo, Shaw; Carrick, Pogba; Mata, Rooney, Martial; Ibrahimovic.
Substitutes: Romero, Blind, Smalling, Fellaini, Herrera, Lingard, Rashford.

AFC Bournemouth (4-4-2) Boruc; A Smith, S Cook, Mings, Daniels; Fraser, Arter, Surman, Pugh; Afobe, King.
Substitutes: Allsop, Cargill, B Smith, Gosling, Ibe, Wilshere, Gradel.

12.00pm GMT

Good morning, good evening, hello. Jose Mourinho has brought a strange kind of stability to Manchester United. For four months – four months! – they’ve been stuck in sixth place in the Premier League. Despite being unbeaten in that time they have moved precisely nowhere, participants in the dullest game of Snakes and Ladders ever. We shall not be moved, indeed.

That should finally change today. If United win against Bournemouth, they will move up to fourth for a few hours. More importantly, they will be guaranteed to finish the weekend in the rarefied atmosphere of fifth place.

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