Jonalyn Fincher's Blog, page 7

The Limits of Submission

Guest post by FreedomBuilder, Susan Lawrence, who has penned a series on patriarchy here.

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In a video at Dale Fincher’s blog, FreeAtLast entitled “Big Red Flag”, Dale explained, “I think that any time we are caught in a spiritually abusive situation (of humiliation, of being degraded, made small), you see a test come out time and again for me to prove my spirituality. I must prove my submission to the authority over me in order to prove my godliness. When that comes across your radar, it should be the gigantic red flag.”

Spiritually abusive authorities often make the litmus test of a person’s spiritual depth how he is perceived to submit to their authority. Authority figures (Christian school teachers, pastors, elders, deacons) cite verses like:

1 Peter 2:13 For the Lord’s sake accept the authority of every human institution
Romans 13:1 Let every person be subject to the governing authorities
(And, for the married women) 1 Peter 3:1 Wives, in the same way, accept the authority of your husbands

These abusive authorities then demand—“based on Scripture”– unquestioning, immediate, and unthinking obedience that resembles an automatic, empty reflex rather than a joyful, mutual submission to one another.

And a lot of wounded, hurting people are believing them.

Recently, an acquaintance shared with me that her difficult marriage got exponentially harder as her husband began repeatedly demanding, in front of their small children,

“Hush your mouth and obey me!”

When she tried to interact with this new demand for instant obedience, he kept cutting her off with,

“You are my wife, and I am your spiritual authority. You must obey me!”

But she’s sure that she is a person, a human, an adult, too, and that this treatment of her—as if she were a stubborn two-year-old and he her parent—is somehow very wrong, though she is so wearied by it she cannot yet articulate why. Her husband believed if only his wife obeyed whatever he said, then every other difficulty, disagreement, and point of tension in their marriage would be resolved.

After attending a church for seven years, we left. We had faced two silent months before my husband and I received a shunning letter telling us that we had two options—

Option A. Return to full fellowship in the church, submit to God and the church authority.

or

Option B. Resign our membership.

The implication was obvious: by speaking up about problems in the church leadership, we had been labeled unsubmissive to our authority and therefore to God himself.

These stories happen regularly. Early last year, at my friend’s church in Georgia, it became obvious to the deacons and those involved in the church that the manipulative pastor had lied to them, particularly about finances. After trying to confront the pastor, who waved off their accusations, families who had suffered financial loss at his hands quietly left the church instead of taking the deceit to the deacon board or others in the church. Quietly leaving, empowering the abusive authorities and the cycle continues.

But in this Georgia church, my friend, a deacon, promised to do otherwise.  He vowed to his fellow congregants that next time the pastor publicly tried to put one over the congregation, he would stand up and call out the pastor.  He did. On a Sunday morning, no less. Shortly thereafter, that pastor resigned from that church. Shortly after his resignation, he applied for and was offered a pastoral job at a church in Arkansas, where he shared how “unsubmissive” his former church had been to his “God-given authority.”

How did my friend find this kind of courage to stand up and protect his fellow parishioners?  He knew that Peter and Paul themselves taught the limits of submission.

Peter did not submit to the Sanhedrin—a religious institution, a human institution—but instead told them outright, “Whether it is right in God’s sight to listen to you rather than to God, you must judge; for we cannot keep from speaking about what we have seen and heard” (Acts 4:19-20). Later, Peter repeats himself and does not submit to the high priest. “We must obey God rather than any human authority,” he proclaims in Acts 5:29.

Paul did not submit and leave quietly in order to save the feelings and reputations of the human authorities who wrongly imprisoned him along with Silas. Instead, in Acts 16:37, Paul says, “They have beaten us in public, uncondemned, men who are Roman citizens, and have thrown us into prison; and now are they going to discharge us in secret? Certainly not! Let them come and take us out themselves.” By claiming his right as a Roman citizen, Paul refused to be a doormat or a scapegoat, instead giving us a fantastic example of self-respect and thoughtful courage.

So what are the limits of submission?

When do we say, as Peter and Paul did in different situations, “Enough of this!”?

There are two tests I’ve pulled from the Spiritual Formation Bible to answer this important question.

Am I seeing and sensing humility from this authority?


Has this authority become destructive?

If we answer no to the first and yes to the second, then we need to remember we submit to God, first and last, and recognize that we have come to the end of submission. With self-respect, thoughtful courage, and obedience to God, we need to explore removing ourselves from that abusive authority.

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Susan Lawrence is a full time mother and garden center/nursery entrepreneur with her husband, Glenn. She lives with her four children in northern Ontario, Canada. You can find more of Susan’s thoughts in her regular writing at the Soulation Blog, and BreakfastReading. Be sure to see her complementarian series, her post on Letting Barbie in Our House.

If you know someone suffering from abusive authority who use scripture to silence them, send them to FreedomBuilders where we are forging new wings to take flight.

To the Virgins On Their Wedding Night

We have fierce sexual drives.

— Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers

You wait, and wait, and wait, and grit your teeth because you expect God to bless your sex life. You’re a virgin, after all. You DESERVE this.

You  marry. But then, the honeymoon comes and goes and . . . well, it’s hard to switcheroo so fast. No, No, NO! Now, all of a sudden, a ceremony later and yes, yes, yes?

Not exactly. I’ve heard it time and again, “I said “No” to sex for so long, that I just can’t enjoy sex like I want to.” How many Christians feel like there’s a wall of guilt and pent-up frustration that complicates their sexual pleasure, even decades into their marriage? Years into marriage, Christians tend to shy away from the ways sex can be wild and vulnerable, because they’re still shamed, guilted and well, repressed. Not all Christians, mind you, but plenty I’ve met.

If we teach young women that marriage is a place they must put out (thank you, Mark Driscoll), and if we teach men they’ve got to take what they can get (“Men are wired to like sex more than women.”), we get sexual unions that are a shadow of what they could be. The purity movement can also take a little blame here.

I interviewed certified sex therapist and licensed family therapist, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, on this problem, starting with the big question of “How do you go from turning off your sexual desire to turning it on?”

In 7 minutes, Dr. Sellers covers:

the connection between the purity movement and sexual abuse (minute 3:48)
why the Christian idea of  “my body is a temple” includes your genitals (minute 1:23)
and how sexual stewardship before marriage plays into sexual pleasure after marriage (minute 2:58)

Pay close attention at minute 6:11 when she talks about what men want the most in bed. It’s more honest than what I’ve read in Cosmo.

For those viewing from email, go here.

In case you want to click over to Dr. Sellers Intimacy Retreats.  Or see her work at ThankGodForSex.org. Follow Tina @TinaSSellers

We’ll be having more of videos with Dr. Sellers in the coming months.

Photo credit: oncewed.com

The Masculine Feel of Christianity

God’s words to Isaiah

I have kept silent for a long time,

I have kept still and restrained Myself.

Now like a woman in labor I will groan,

I will both gasp and pant.

Isaiah 42:14

Guest Post by Savvy Wolfson.

The congregation rose out of their pews and male song leader waved his arms to the rhythm. I leaned over and sang “sister” in my best friend’s ear every time the word “brother” was written in the hymn book. We shared a giggle each time and I was so pleased with my little joke. We sat through more men passing the plate, preaching, reading Scripture, and praying. Another week of church had passed without the sound of a woman’s voice. On another Sunday morning, a woman might have shared a missionary update or a song. But women were not allowed to share their own thoughts about God in our church. What’s more, they didn’t want to.

John Piper has spoken about the “masculine feel of Christianity,” and I’m here to say that he’s right. Where I came from, “Mother God” was rarely mentioned (and “heretical”) but “Father God” was named in seemingly every prayer. As a child, I “knew” the most diverse audience I would ever teach would be the stuffed animals in my bedroom. And in any sermon I heard about women, the emphasis was on covering up the feminine—both the female body and voice. In submission, we made way for the men in every way we knew how. So we made them casseroles but we were afraid to feed their souls.

I’m not here to talk about the theological arguments for including women equally—that’s been done. I’m here to share about my healing. See, you can’t have a disproportionate emphasis on masculinity without pushing femininity out. Even when I was too scared to acknowledge my questions about God vs. all things feminine, I knew that I’d gotten hurt. The prominence of all things male in our church meant that even little boys knew and acted like they were just…better. I remember desperately debating the role of a wife in my third grade Sunday School class. One boy insisted that a wife had to do everything a husband wanted. I argued across the table, “God made us helpers, not…slaves!” The teacher just watched, curious and silent, until I gave up.

By adulthood, I had rationalized myself into that corner of “equal in value but complimentary” to men. But because of my study of Scripture, I finally let some of my questions progress from buried, half-formed thoughts to realities in my soul. Gradually, a terrified, dejected, and angry scream rose in my soul. “Why, God, if you say you love me, do you tell me to shut up all the time?” I became like the Psalmist, struggling with her maker, accusing, trying to make sense of senseless degradation she’d lived through.

God honoured the honest me, and set me on course for living a wholehearted life. As I grew to understand that God was for me and for women, my faith evolved into a source of vibrant life. It got more painful before it got better though, because I had to leave my faith communities that no longer wanted me when I began to use my voice. I guess that means they never really wanted me in the first place. Giving myself permission to withdraw was the first step. It allowed me to be myself, and embracing my gender was the second step.

After months of research, I started wondering why I couldn’t bring myself to address God as both Mother and Father. I realized that I was afraid of what people would think of me—and I timidly reprioritized. Today, you won’t hear me limit God to a single gender. After all, Scripture says that God is like an adoptive Father and a protective Mother who birthed creation for us, nurtures us, and labors for us. How amazing that God knows the experience of both men and women on earth. How amazing that we are all made in God’s image.

Art by Heidi Taillefer

Finally, a year after my breakoff from my congregation, I was ready to attend a new church. It’s been said that community hurt needs community healing. In my case, I needed to see that not all church communities were like mine. I needed to watch women embrace their unique gifts instead of accepting cookie-cutter roles (you can see a picture of my pastor Jamie Washam preaching at the top of this post). When the followers of Jesus value me, I feel valued by Jesus.

Today, I’m not saying I’ve arrived at healing. There’s days when Mark Driscoll still gets under my skin or I still feel afraid to use “she” instead of “he.” Some days I’m even still angry at God, because the strengths He’s given to women were twisted into curses when sin entered the world and I want Her to just…fix it!! I long for the day when this earth and the genders will be redeemed. But I’ve made progress. God has made progress. And I now know that my longing for gender redemption is something that my God desires alongside me.

Savannah Wolfson is an empathizing, tree-hugging, lucky in love, play-at-home mom to two under two. She’s also a faithful supporter of Soulation, a FreedomBuilder, and a friend. Her other RubySlippers posts include My Hair is My Glory and Women Who Breastfeed in Church. 

For more on the gender of God, see Ruby Slippers chapter 6 “The Feminine in the Sacred” and Unmuted: the Welcome Colors of a Woman’s Voice

Abortion Debated – Emerald City with Emily Heist Moss

I’ve become friends with this columnist over in Chicago. There’s a lot that separates us. Emily Heist Moss is liberal, shows up religiously for Pride Parades, and if she got pregnant right now, Emily believes she would probably have an abortion.  But, there’s also a lot that unites us, we are both vocal feminists, writers, we both care about humanizing the debate across the aisle, and let’s not forget our penchant for handicrafts (cross-stitch for Emily, knitting for me).

By our friendship alone we are representing a challenge to today’s “argument culture.”

Emily Heist Moss writes regularly over at RoleReboot. I loved her “Why It’s Not OK to Objectify World Cup Soccer Players (Even Though You Really Want To)” post this year. You can follow her at her blog RosieSays or @emilyheistmoss.

A few weeks ago, Emily got raked over the coals by a conservative journalist (Robert Stacey McCain). While I may line up ideologically with McCain, he flunked civility in his arguments toward Moss. Let’s show Emily and her friends how we talk about sticky, difficult topics at RubySlippers.  A reminder to those who want to comment of our rules for loving discourse.

In this Emerald City, Emily and I go into the most terrifying place for a conservative and liberal to lock horns: abortion.  Lions and Tigers and Bears, indeed.  For example, this two minute clip:

We agreed. This was our most difficult debate, more challenging than gay marriage and the definition of sex. Abortion is one of those “Get-on-the-party-line-or-else” places. You must be for or against the rights of the unborn, for or against the rights for women. And we both felt nervous that we’d fail our people.

Watch the full debate.

If reading on email, click here to watch video.

Judith Jarvis Thompson’s violinist argument

A response to the violinist argument.

More from Emily on abortion “On This 40th Anniversary Of Roe v. Wade, Here’s Why It’s More Important Than Ever“. One of her favorite recent articles on abortion “There’s No Such Thing As a ‘Bad’ Abortion“.

More from RubySlippers on abortion. Here’s where I play the pro-choice feminist opposite Christian apologist Josh Brahm who coached me in several arguments for this debate with Emily (thanks, Josh!). For more see Josh Brahm’s organization Equal Rights Institute: Clear Pro-Life Thinking and his talks on Responding to Bodily Rights Arguments and “I’m Pro Life But . . .”

Emily and I are already talking about an Abortion: Part 2. As you’ll be able to see, we had to rush at the end.

In the comments, I’d like to hear what arguments you wish we had talked about more and what you would have liked to clarify or add.

 

Teaching Consent to our Children

Four Ways We Teach Kids That Consent Doesn’t Matter, from Everyday Feminism:

Teaching them that “No” means “Yes.” Suggestion: Always stop tickling when they say “Stop” or “No”.
Contradicting Their Feelings. Suggestion: I can understand that you’d feel angry toward me right now.
Forced Hugs and Kisses. Suggestion: You can wave goodbye instead.
Carte Blanche Respect for Your Elders. Suggestion: Just because someone is older doesn’t mean they’re right.

Many young people today journey in the dark, as the young always have, and we elders do them a disservice when we withhold the shadowy parts of our lives.  When I was young there were very few leaders willing to talk about the darkness; most of them pretended that success was all they had ever known. Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak p 18

In last week’s post (Consent is Complicated), many of you refused to keep those shadowy places hidden. Thank you for sharing the shadowy parts of your lives. My gratitude goes out to these, among others. . .

Ariana:

This is a BIG issue in my mind, and love that you talk about men with “spiritual authority” and the way that we feel we need to “submit” to their unwelcome advances. This was a big deal in the missionary community in my experience. I remember being chastized by my parents when I made a missionary “uncle” feel inappropriate when I reacted negatively to his unwelcome tickling. We are taught over and over again in some religious communities to not rock the boat, and to always assume the best about the men who may overstep boundaries. NOT healthy or appropriate, and it’s is long overdue to talk about this.

K2:

At church some of the people over-ride my handshake and move in for the kill – and I am one of the elders – and feel I HAVE to give in – and yet with my own past of having been used and abused, molested and violated – and undergoing counselling right now to deal with just the first 7 years of my life – I WANT to take control of what I am all right with and what I am not – and be RESPECTED – and still be seen as a loving – Christ like – man of God! It’s hard!

Best advice for distinguishing awkward huggers from creepy huggers from Karen1657:

One quick way to evaluate the intentions of an Adam is his response when/if he is asked to stop. If his intentions are pure, when asked to stop he will be horrified and apologetic that his behavior made you uncomfortable. However, in my experience if his behavior comes from a place of wanting to consciously or unconsciously exert power, he will accuse you of all manner of things and he will be OFFENDED that you would in any way misinterpret his intentions, because after all, he is godly, a Christian, a leader, blah, blah, blah….

Rich:

I am interested in discussing how to teach these concepts to children. My wife is Italian, and we have had issues with her family “coercing” our children for hugs and kisses. My daughters are told by extended family to “give _______ a hug or kiss or you will make them feel bad.” There is much wrong with this, not the least is the lesson that making someone feel bad is an adequate reason to allow them to demand physical attention. This is just about the opposite that we teach our kids for other relationships – especially during adolescence.

Best way to teach empathy to children by Heather:

Also, concerning children, there are two aspects concerning lack of consent regarding children that bother me immensely. One is parents who force their kids to touch or greet family and friends by force. I believe a child can practice good manners and never have to touch an adult. The other side of that coin are sooooooo many adults who force themselves on toddlers and children in a way that, if that kid were me, I would punch them in the face . . . Children are so vulnerable. So, so vulnerable. And i find that perhaps many adults who grasp at the affections of young children through non-consent touch really just need to face some codependent issues. Maybe this is harsh. But I don’t think so.

More on Disney’s take on the “extremely kind and very loveable” Aunti Gerti in Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas.

I would like to hear from other adults, especially teachers and those in authority on “How do you equip children to offer a meaningful ‘yes’ and ‘no’ about their body’s integrity?” especially when they face the many authority figures in their lives: teachers, principles, babysitters, relatives, law enforcement, flight attendants, etc.

Consent is Complicated

The trouble with this post is that the men who will read it are probably not the men I’m talking about. But, just in case you are, this one’s for you.

There is a man I find particular troublesome. Let’s call him Adam.

I do not like to hug Adam. I don’t like how I feel when I’m being hugged by him. I feel smothered, scared, counting the milliseconds until the hug is over. And it’s taken years (yes, that’s how long this has been going on) to figure out that I feel used when I hug him.

That is a problem. It means I’m hugging someone I don’t want to hug. It means that all the glorious feminist verbiage about female consent is bull crap, unless I know how to practice it.

Consent – offering the option to say “No.” Notice it’s not just asking permission. It’s waiting for an answer.

Even about a hug. Especially about a hug.  Because if I cannot say “No, thanks” to a hug, we’ve got problems. And we do have problems among Christians about hugging, problems that side-hugs don’t quite fix.

Women tend to have some trouble believing our bodies are our own. We think of our bodies as tools, to serve, to help, to bedazzle with hotness.  But, the Christian message about bodies actually goes like this “God is for your body” (1 Cor 6:13). Our bodies are meant to be ways we give God an incredible good reputation (i.e. “glorify God with your body” in 1 Cor 6:20).

A failed Christian solution has been to outlaw touch between unmarried men and women. That certainly doesn’t create safety, equality or friendship. So I’m not for that rule, besides, I don’t believe that the Bible recommends it.* And, I don’t believe a side-hug is the only Christian way to hug out there. Thank heavens.

A big ol’ bear hug between a man and woman can give comfort, reconcile, say goodbye in a way a handshake cannot. That’s why I welcome hugs from my husband, my grandpa, some male friends, and my son.  Besides, Jesus touched women, regularly with such kindness and dignity, his touch brought physical healing (see the gospel of Matthew chapter 9). He’s the main reason I believe male/female friendships and the hugs within them are so good.

So it’s not hugs that are the problem, it’s consent.  I’m realizing there are places I don’t know how to practice consent. 

The Small Thing That’s a Big Deal

Active consent = the ongoing way we teach others it is okay or not okay to touch our bodies. We flex our consent muscles anytime another individual’s actions are unwelcome.

As Christians we have a Biblical reason to practice consent. As Paige McCaleb, consent advocate, christian and fellow creative explained…

Jesus says, “Let Your Yes be Yes and No be No.” This relates to consent. When I say “No”, I want it to be firm, not flirtatious or fickle. When I ask someone explicitly or through body language to stop I mean, ”Stop” not “Try again in a moment.” And when and if  I’m ready I need to also make that clear.  For example, I may not yet have a relationship where I deem hugging appropriate or comfortable. But when or if that changes I’ll let the person know by initiating a friendly hug or asking permission to hug. And if there’s a day where I just don’t feel up to sharing myself through a hug I can say “Today I’m not in the hugging frame of mind.”

But I’m not as practiced as Paige.

I ask myself every time I see Adam, “Why make the big deal? It’s a whole lot easier to just hug him and die to myself for a moment.”

See how Christian I can make it? Here’s what all teachers and bloggers about the Bible need to understand. Bible verses out of context can sound like God commands women to allow our bodies to become someone else’s property. The sermons you preach, the posts you write will free or enslave the sexual abuse victims in your audience regarding their own bodies. Take care!

For me, it just seems easier to put up with this man’s arms around me instead of making a scene. So I sacrifice myself for the sake of the little community.

And it’s very easy to justify my behavior. Adam is an elder in his church.

As my husband pointed out, it seems the three qualifying factors to become an elder these days are

financially successful
faithful church attender
married to a woman

Adam fits the bill. Unfortunately (and church leaders, we need to talk about this) I’m not aware of a church policy where women get to vote on general creepiness of the man who will become their spiritual authority.

I really don’t want to trot out Adam’s gory details, but Adam has a history of using women. The last decade, however, he’s clean. He’s shining proof that God changed him. Even I want to believe it, and there are so many examples of change.

He’s a changed man, his loved ones said. He’s a leader of Bible studies and a pillar of the church. He’s not my elder, which helps. But, he’s still a male. Older, in power, and tends to seem “in charge.” Adam is clearly socialized into privilege, which translates into power. He easily checks all the boxes: male, older, wealthy, institutional church authority, white.

Last year, when I decided to sit down next to him to share a few things (at a dinner for 12), I didn’t know what to do when he put his hand on my leg, right above my knee. I froze inside, but I rationalized that his move wasn’t OBVIOUS enough to do anything.

It’s just my knee, I self-justified. He’s just trying to be warm and kind. Besides, this other male is watching, so if it were weird the other male would be concerned, right?

But I was so afraid, I couldn’t even look up at the other male. I kept trying to keep myself light and breezy as if I didn’t care. Because if I act like it matters, maybe it does. I was worried that I would hurt Adam’s feelings, so I kept on listening without removing his hand.

Within seconds, it was gone. Even though my knee and thigh looked the same, the damage was done. I had silenced my inner “Uh-oh” feelings. I was feigning consent. As Paige explains it “If you’re even a tiny bit uncomfortable, the action needs to stop immediately.”

Please notice, I was more worried about Adam’s feelings and making him uncomfortable, than I was at noticing how uncomfortable and creeped out I felt.  My concern for being kind actually trumped my capacity to notice myself.  I became an object to this man, and I internalized his objectification.

That I can write this is evidence that I no longer agree with Adam’s proprietary view of legs. In fact, I’m preparing myself for the next time I meet Adam. Preparing myself, because I cannot exercise the rights of my body, as God intended, unless I’m prepared for men like Adam in this world. And he will come into my life again.

Copyright NBC / Splash News

He will. He’s unavoidable.

And he will be unavoidably offended and probably verbally explode when I challenge his right to touch me. Everyone at dinner will hear it, everyone will know that I have subtly accused Adam of being unsafe, of being creepy. It might ruin the entire dinner party and who knows what else.

When I remove his hand from my waist or my shoulder or my leg, I will be telling myself that I’m ready. Ready for him to accuse me for accusing him. Prepared to refuse any unwelcome proprietary touch.

Practice Active Consent

I’m drawing up ways to avoid hugging some people. There are men out there (and some women too, consent works in all directions), Christian men, Christian leaders, who don’t feel safe near my body. So, for those of you who need some creative ways to avoid touch, here’s my list. Additions welcome in the comments.

For the beginners: If you find yourself noticing one man you do not want to hug, don’t hug ANY men. Hug the females (if you want), shake the men’s hands IF YOU WANT. Or, wave hello/goodbye and make a beeline to the drinks or food or out the door if you’re leaving. The point being, you get to train people how to treat you. Show how you prefer to say hello/goodbye by being the first to extend a handshake, or a hug if and only if you are comfortable and ready.
When a new man enters the room, don’t rise to greet him. Stay in your chair, extend a hand for a handshake if you’d like. It’s harder to hug seated women.
When a man stands to say good-bye to you at the door, do not make eye contact until you’re far enough away that he would have to walk at least four strides to reach you. If you sense him starting toward you, take your arm and put it around the shoulder of a woman friend near you. The most he’ll be able to get is a one-armed, side hug… perhaps the most unsatisfying hug ever invented.
Master a meaningful, strong, warm handshake. Practice it.
Pray for strength whenever you must engage with a man who is unsafe. Pray that God will show you how much God values your body. Memorize 1 Cor 6:13 “God is for your body”. Ask God to show you how to guard your integrity.
Practice, practice, practice using your words. It’s OKAY to say “I’m not comfortable with hugging/your hand there/you standing that close/etc.” There’s nothing wrong with vocally giving a “yellow light” and sometimes it’s needed! Favorite Yellow Light phrases:

“Wow! That was uninvited”
“I’m not comfortable with…”
“I think I need a little space.”
“I’d rather not ____ right now/today” (because some days we are more or less okay with being touched).


These apply to all men who sense women creeping them out (because ladies, we can be creepy, too). A few examples.

And to the men reading:

If you’re in authority anywhere take these to heart even more. Your authority erodes a woman’s ability to give meaningful consent.
Wait until a woman moves toward you to hug you, don’t lunge or put your arms wide expecting her to walk into your embrace. Do ask “Is it okay if I hug you?” but NOT with your hands or arms held out expectantly. I don’t care if she’s your blood relative, niece, granddaughter, daughter, or sister, wait for them to make the first move.
Because of patriarchy’s baggage in all our lives, let women lead with touch. Don’t reach out to stroke or touch a woman unless she’s your girlfriend/lover/wife. Erogenous zones include waist, scalp, neck, mouth, cheek, ears, chest, navel, abdomen, inner arm, ankles, thighs, feet. For example, don’t put your hand on a woman’s waist, even to usher her through a door unless you’ve been granted consent.
Master a warm, meaningful handshake. Nothing makes me feel so safe as a good handshake.
My French/Spanish heritage has a tradition where we kiss on a cheek and don’t require I press my body up against yours to say hello.  If I know a man, but he is not a super close friend, I prefer he greet me with a kiss on a cheek over him hugging me.  Ask your female friends how they like to greet men.  Make the question general, allow them to set the tone.
If giving a hug maintain some body distance, leave space between your torso and hers. You don’t have to make it as awkward as this picture to do it well. Don’t rub her back during the hug or let your arms linger. Don’t pick her up! These are all elements of a more intimate hug the woman did not consent to.
Pray for wisdom and ask your sisters, your wife, your mother and grandmothers for guidance.

In the comments, I’d like to hear how men would like more freedom of consent and if men also struggle with believing their body is their own.

And if you want a follow-up post on how to teach consent to your children, let me know.

*For Bible scholars, the 1 Corinthian 7:1 passage, “It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (NASB), is best translated in context as “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman” (NIV), an idea I can get behind when the two are not married.

Invitation to Tears Read Along #8 – Final Post

I can imagine that you may be like me, that you want to discuss how to love the Bible, love God and love our gay brothers and sisters.

For the last six months, I’ve been conducting interviews with Christians pyschologists, theologians, and pastors (both male and female) who land on both sides of the gay marriage question. From these interviews of celibate, gay, and straight Christians I plan to edit the best parts to share with you. So, before launching into the final Invitation to Tears Read Along, could you help me by taking a quick (2 question) survey on how you’d like to see these videos appear?

For the topic of loving our gay brothers and sisters . . .

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Thank you for voting! And now, onto our FINAL Read-Along covering Chapter 6, “Reaching Shore”. And next week, I’m back covering topics of sexuality and faith in the post “Consent is Complicated”.

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We’ve made it, the FINAL spiritual discipline for the series that began in early June with our summer of spiritual disciplines. To those who’ve trekked through this difficulty trail with me, I want to have you over for tea and scones.  Thank you for walking along.

The final podcast, which happens to be my favorite one of the series, includes quotes and even some music.

If you’re reading via email, click here to listen to the podcast.

In the podcast, you’ll hear about how you become “fine”. How you slip grief into your pocket and carry it with you, an imperceptible weight to others, but part of who you are now.

You can listen here.

Other quotes and links pertinent in this week’s podcast:

Brene Brown on grief:

If someone has to die for forgiveness to happen and people are deathly afraid to feel grief, then we won’t forgive anybody because we don’t want to feel grief. I thought faith would say, “I’ll take away the pain and discomfort”, but what it ended up saying was, “I’ll sit with you in it”. –Brene Brown in this video on returning to church and her faith.

If you haven’t read through Invitation to Tears, skip to page 67 right now and read the quote from the film Rabbit Hole. You can follow along as I read it at the beginning of the podcast.

Nicole Kidman in “Rabbit Hole”

Dale’s sermon on Turning Evil into Song. Be sure to listen to Tchaikovsky’s Symphony No. 5 soon after. 

Rosa Parks by Douglas Brinkley. The biography I read during my years of childlessness.

One Month of Pregnancy at RubySlippers

One Week of Miscarriage at RubySlippers

Comfort for those who’ve lost a pregnancy or had an abortion.

Maria Popova of Brainpicking’s review of another book on grief The Long Goodbye: A Memoir by Meghan O’Rouke and a quote

When you lose someone you were close to, you have to reassess your picture of the world and your place in it. The more your identity is wrapped up with the deceased, the more difficult the mental work.

The story of my son’s birth at RubySlippers: 3-2-10.


On men, emotions and what happens when we hold back tears “I’m a Feminist and I Wear a Speedo“

The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places. But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater. — J.R.R. Tolkien

I welcome your final thoughts on grief, how you’ve chosen (as I ask in the podcast) to walk on shore differently because of your loss, or any other concluding comments about our read-along.

Thank you for making time to join me in grieving well!

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Image source: mrwallpaper.com

Invitation to Tears Read-Along #7

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Welcome everyone! This is my last week inviting you to share your grief questions. This week we’re covering your questions on Chapter 5: “Mourning with Friends”. The chapter inspired me to share stories of how friendships work to

In the podcast, you’ll hear about why grief is not a solo activity, where the Bible actually tells us to search for our friends who are in grief, and how we can turn grief into mourning.

You can listen here.

Other quotes and links pertinent in this week’s podcast:

“Be kind for everyone you meet is carrying a great burden.” — Attributed to Philo

“What is the difference between grief and mourning? Mourning has company.” –Roger Rosenblatt. Quote in my podcast from Roger Rosenblatt in Kayak Morning: Reflections on Love, Grief, and Small Boats from page 20-21

Dr. Catherine Sanders (who gave us the positive “hoarding” concept) and her book Surviving Grief and Learning to Live Again and a summary of her material by clinical psychologist Dr. Patricia Pitta “Grief and Bereavement.”

More details about the Jewish practice of Shiva and beyond. I was particularly drawn to this Shiva written notice on the door of those bereaved

“In a Jewish House of Mourning” – Each culture approaches death and the mourning period in its own unique fashion. As a family, we only request that an effort be made to create an atmosphere that is congruous with our Jewish values. Conversations should focus on the life and legacy of Judy Dan. No effort should be made to portray her in an artificial light, since this would offend her memory. Painful as it may seem, attempts at distracting family members from thinking or speaking about their loss are not considered appropriate at this time.Thank you, The Dan Family

Grieving the breakups of friends.

WYG: What’s Your Grief? illustrations on the difference between primary and secondary losses.

Wendt Center for Loss and Healing on secondary losses.

“Understanding Grief: Distinguishing between Primary and Secondary Loss” from GriefJourney.com. A helpful guide to distinguish primary and secondary loss and questions to ask yourself.

Wendy Welch’s Little Bookstore of Big Stone Gap, which I quote at length regarding the divorced man bringing his wife’s library to the used bookstore. Wendy’s blog and info to buy her book.

Commentor David’s comments on grief from last week.

One of my favorite guides through grief, author Christian Wiman and his book My Bright Abyss Meditation of a Modern Believer.  One of the underlined sentences in my copy “What might it mean to be drawn into meanings that, in some profound and necessary sense, shatter us? This is what it means to love.” p. 50.

Andrew Sullivan’s review of Wiman’s book calling Wiman “America’s Most Important Christian Author”.

–for Christ plays in ten thousand places, / Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his, / To the Father through the features of men’s faces. — Gerard Manley Hopkins

We are looking forward to your comments and questions this week over our LAST chapter, Chapter 6 “Reaching”. Feel free to submit any general question as well as we only have this week left!

As always, please leave comments and questions for next week’s reading below. Or you can send confidential questions to mail(at)soulation(dot)org. You must have your questions submitted by 1pm MT this Friday afternoon.

The iTunes link if you want to subscribe to the podcast.

If you’re reading via email, click here to listen to the podcast.

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Invitation to Tears Read-Along #6

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Welcome everyone! This week we’re covering your questions on Chapter 4: “Your Path Through Grief”. The chapter opens up with a story so poignant, I had to read it to you. I think you’ll find your shoulders relaxing as you hear how many responses to grief are normal.

In the podcast, you’ll hear about why Americans view grief as a competitive sport, discover the one way to grieve poorly, and learn how to approach grief as a bundle of tasks not a series of stages.

You can listen here.

Other quotes and links pertinent in this week’s podcast:

Henri Nouwen’s quote, “It is by experiencing pain that we really learn to love others.”

For more on Doer and Feelers, Drs. Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin original terms of “intuitive” and “instrumental” grievers. Be sure to scroll to section 7.

More explanation of linking objects or memory tokens. J. William Worden’s explanation and Linking Objects (an article from Aubrie’s archives).

A quote from Worden on linking objects from Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, “Linking objects are similar to transitional objects such as those that a children hold onto when they are away from their parents. As they grow older, they may hold onto a blanket, a stuffed animal, or some object that makes them feel safe and secure during the transition between safety and security associated with their parents and the need to grow and detach from the family and become their own person. In most cases transitional objects are dropped as children grow up. However, when they are needed, their absence can cause a tremendous amount of anxiety and uproar.” *A note here: linking objects can be negatively connoted if held onto obsessively. But they can play a vital role in the tasks of grieving well. Find out more by reading Worden on linking objects.

Rewriting the Rules of Grief (look under “Help in Healing”)

“They say that people in grief become more like themselves.” from Roger Rosenblatt in Kayak Morning: Reflections on Love, Grief, and Small Boats. Rosenblatt’s book also enjoys a watercraft metaphor, similar to the sailing metaphor we used in Invitation to Tears. In case you missed this wonderful quote on water and grief, read it in last week’s post.


Helpful list of recommended reading on grief from University of Washington.

We are looking forward to your comments and questions next week as we go through Chapter 5 “Mourning with Friends”. Feel free to submit any general question as well as we only have two weeks left!

As always, please leave comments and questions for next week’s reading below. Or you can send confidential questions to mail(at)soulation(dot)org. You must have your questions submitted by 1pm MT this Friday afternoon.

Here is the iTunes link if you want to subscribe to the podcast.

If you’re reading via email, click here to listen to the podcast.

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Invitation to Tears Read-Along #5

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Welcome everyone! This week we’re into Chapter 3: “Learning the Language of Your Loss”. This chapter is really about noticing what you do to both avoid and start to grieve in your way. That little pronoun “your” is so significant.  Be sure to listen for the re-telling of my son’s grief from pages 34-35.

You can listen here.

In the podcast, I read from page 33 “Fluidity, unpredictability is part of grief. Speed is not.” To illustrate this unpredictability, read this poem by Jane Kenyon that you may want to copy into your own journal or notes. I read it in this podcast, a quoted portion is also on page 33.

“What Came To Me”

by Jane Kenyon (1947-1995)

I took the last

dusty piece of china

out of the barrel.

It was your gravy boat,

with a hard, brown

drop of gravy still

on the porcelain lip.

I grieved for you then

as I never had before.

Other quotes and links pertinent in this week’s podcast:

Thanks to Brandon Hoops for this quote:

On a quiet Sunday morning, two and a half years after Amy’s death, Roger heads out in his kayak. He observes,“You can’t always make your way in the world by moving up. Or down, for that matter. Boats move laterally on water, which levels everything. It is one of the two great levelers.”

 Kayak Morning: Reflections on Love, Grief and Small Boats by Roger Rosenblatt similar to A Grief Observed.

From Parker J. Palmer Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, “In an effort to avoid those feelings, I give advice, which sets me, not you, free. If you take my advice, you might get well, but if you don’t, I’ve done the best I could. If you fail to take my advice, there’s nothing more I can do. Either way I get relief by distancing myself from you, guilt-free.” p 63


German poet Ranier Maria Rilke writes in Letters to a Young Poet, “Love consists in this . . . two solitudes protect and border and salute each other.”
The functional atheism of Christianity that according to Parker J. Palmer requires we say “pious words about God’s presence in our lives but believe, on the contrary, that nothing good is going to happen unless we make it happen.”  p 64
For practicing self care during grief, a few guides Is It Okay to Love Myself? and Debbie Downer Fixer-Uppers.
This week in the Compass Checkpoints (p 39-40), you’ll find an original poem by Amy Kaneko, multi-champion Hawai’i Slam Poet. You won’t want to miss it.

Looking forward to your comments and questions next week as we go through Chapter 4 “Your Path Through Grief”. What questions about this chapter would you like to share? As always, please leave comments and questions for next week’s reading below. Or you can send confidential questions to mail(at)soulation(dot)org. You must have your questions submitted by 1pm MT Friday afternoon.

Here is the iTunes link if you want to subscribe to the podcast.

If you’re reading via email, click here to listen to the podcast.

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